I’m in such a state of ‘I don’t know’. I don’t know if there’s a god. I don’t know if there’s an afterlife. I don’t know if there are multi-universes. I don’t know if we’re reincarnated. I don’t know if there are devils. I don’t know if there are angels. I don’t know if things happen for a reason. I don’t know if things happen just because.

I’ve never witnessed or experienced anything to tell me one way or another with certainty. Sometimes I wish I believed strongly and confidently in some things…even if I may be kidding myself in the end.

Anyway, a 63-year-old woman who lives here named Rhonda requested to add me but hasn’t commented or reacted to any of my stuff. Might be a good thing, though, because based on all the religious stuff on her wall, we probably don’t have much in common.

Had my follow-up with the cardiologist yesterday who was 50 minutes late, and everything is great. Even the ejection fraction rate. She says their equipment tends to measure high so it’s not really that high. Those “hard” heartbeats I occasionally get are actually PVCs and harmless as long as they make up less than 3% of your heartbeats, and mine’s at 1% after they counted over a million heartbeats during the week I wore the monitor. No signs of blockages or anything wrong with the heart or arteries so what it was I did to get so lucky compared to everyone else in my family is beyond me but I’m grateful nonetheless. I can only guess it’s because I quit smoking younger and have been more active in general. This aligns with the very strong feeling I’ve had for many years that I’ll never get anything serious because I’ll go when he goes and therefore will never know what would have killed me in the end. So I don’t expect to ever experience any heart attacks, strokes or get a cancer diagnosis of any kind.

I won’t be seeing this doctor again. In fact, I’m not going to be going to Palm Harbor again because I’m sick of the fucking charging games. I’m not going beyond 15 miles or so in this car.

With 4 miles left, we got to one of the fast chargers only to find it offline. So then we had to go to a slow charger after getting lost at first. Because it took quite a while, we walked to a nearby Burger King. Of course I ended up feeling a little queasy afterward but it was still a nice treat and I was pretty hungry by then.

The charger was in a parking garage so we didn’t have to deal with the glaring sunlight even though the air was cool. It was in the 60s yesterday.

A couple of days ago we had tons of wind and rain. The rain stopped when the sun came up but it was still very windy that I was surprised the honker chose that day to do a project. He was sawing what appeared to be ceramic tiles, obviously installing a new floor somewhere in his place. I hope this doesn’t become a regular hobby of his! So much for thinking it would be a peaceful day that day but no one rode their motorcycle.

My kidney infection is gone. At least I think it is and that the antibiotic didn’t trigger a yeast infection. Right now my biggest problem is the menopausal burning I have down there and now I know why there appears to be something blocking entry at times when I go to insert suppositories or creams. It’s because the walls of the opening are literally clamped shut! Apparently, this is a perk of menopause as well. It’s called vaginismus. I’ve heard some women can get it if they fear sex due to being sexually traumatized in the past. Kind of hard to treat the dryness and the burning with suppositories or creams when the door is often locked. So I definitely do need to get a new GYN with the new insurance because this is getting ridiculous. Before I discovered the locked door after putting some Replens on my fingertip and inserting some that way, I ordered a can of Kindra which is what Jessie says she uses. Now I know this was likely a waste of money since it doesn’t matter what form of treatment I use if I can’t get it where it needs to be. Then again, you only need to go in an inch or less with this stuff and it might last longer with just a dab once or twice a day.

Tom had a video interview with the paper company and is going to be sent a book with the list of routes for him to drive around and see if he’s okay with delivering in those areas. He was the only one that showed up for the interview which was supposed to be a group meeting.

He just said the driving would be too many miles after calculating a route with 180 houses, so he’s going to look for something else. I think he’s going to have no choice but to get something full-time, even though he wants part-time. Unfortunately, life isn’t usually about what we plan and want. I want a bigger living room but I highly doubt I’ll ever have one.

Had a little less energy yesterday and so far today and I’m hoping that’s only because I woke up a few times. Last night I snored myself awake twice after wanting one more night off from the mask. I’ll resume therapy tonight but even that’s going to wake me up when air starts hissing out my mouth. I just can’t win either way. Sleep with it, I’m damned. Sleep without it, I’m damned.

I was going through journals from 20 years ago and found myself wondering about Mary and “Teddy Bear.” I wonder what their lives are like today. Mary, surprisingly, has very little online presence. She’s a victim’s advocate is all I can see. For a fleeting moment, I missed the friendship we once had but I won’t let myself reach out to her. She used the shit out of me and then she dumped me because someone supposedly told her I wrote something about her in my blog without confronting me first, and as I have been for years now, I’m tired of being the one to reach out first.

Same goes for Teddy Bear, not that I know how to contact her since I never knew her full name, but she could have kept her word about seeing me a year after I left the jail yet chose not to. If I had made the same impact on her that she made on me she would at least remember my name and look me up on Facebook yet she never cared to do so.

I’m not kidding when I say I’m so done wasting time with those who don’t give a damn about me. And no way will I forgive those who have been a problem for me in the past and let them back into my life. I get that no relationship of any kind is ever perfect. Everyone has disagreements and problems. It just depends on the severity of the problems and the frequency of them. No ill feelings toward them, though. If life is going well for them then great!

There are only two people alive right now that I will always loathe from the bottom of my heart and if they suddenly appeared before my eyes, oh what fun I’d have with them! But Tammy B and Joely N would never have the guts to come to my door if they knew where it was. I can’t stand my nieces either but to be fair, they were trained, encouraged, and recruited by their twisted mother. The termite led them down the path they’re on. Then again, they should be plenty old enough to know right from wrong and therefore, take it upon themselves to get off that path. So just about everyone in my family, along with anyone that had anything to do with what happened in Arizona, can go fuck themselves.