Whatever’s cursing my sleep didn’t use traffic or my snoring to wake me up. Instead, it used Tom. He accidentally shut a door too hard and with the house being so small, the sound goes right through the grille above the door. It took me over an hour to fall back to sleep and sleeping in chunks is a real killer for me.

Once again, I’ve decided that when I’m getting up around 6:00 AM, I’m going to try to hold my schedule as long as I can and remind myself when that alarm goes off and I’m exhausted that I would have felt that way anyway. This way we’ll be on the same schedule and he can make all the noise he wants and eat all the smelly foods he wants too. I’ll hold it for as long as I can stand to. Nothing I do is going to restore my energy and give me my old life back so I might as well be on days whenever possible. The fatigue isn’t all on the sleep curse (me being woken up), anyway. I’m sure my thyroid, sleep apnea, and the (N24) are factors as well.

Giving the new docs one final chance to help with my weight and fatigue. This will seriously be my last-ditch effort. I’m not going to spend my life trying to give my body to do what it’s not meant to do, if that’s the case, and nothing can help me. The weight I can live with, but if I really am looking at lifelong fatigue then I’m thinking I want out. I don’t want to just be alive. I want to live. If I can’t live, then what’s the point of going on?

Sometimes I wish I could be a chameleon. It wouldn’t be being true to myself, but it sure would keep the peace if I could agree or at least go along with those who see things from a different perspective.

Take Andy for example. Not that we’re fighting or anything (I don’t fight anymore, I just dump) The way he sends me pro-black memes mixed in with other memes and nature pics annoys me. This guy really has a poor memory and lacks common sense. He knows damn well that I have no sympathy for today’s blacks. 100 years ago, sure. Now, not so much.

He also knows damn well that I was discriminated against by blacks and therefore sending me pro-black memes doesn’t exactly sit well with me. That’s like sending a rape victim pictures of her rapist. How insensitive is that?

I know it wouldn’t do me any good to point this out for the thousandth time and I get that most people still don’t believe whites can be discriminated against despite knowing from personal firsthand experience that yes, they most certainly can be and they are. He’ll either forget everything I said or he just won’t care. He tends to be an opposite-doer. Try to push him left and he’ll go right. I love the guy but he is frustrating as hell at times. Again, though, if I tell him it will either hurt his feelings or he just won’t get it if he even remembers what I said a day later. This is why I wish I could be a chameleon in some ways much like Kim was. I would like everything each individual friend liked and I would agree with their personal beliefs and opinions all the way. But I can’t make myself feel what I don’t so the next best thing is to just not say anything at all and ignore what I don’t want to see. You know, sort of like some people should have done 25 years and 2000 miles ago.

Speaking of them, Tom and I were talking about revenge and how it may make for a great fantasy but it only makes things worse in real life. Yeah, but only if you’re me. Never once in my life has anyone who ever wronged me paid for it in any way. Not by the law, not by Karma. Hell, I can’t even get away with filing a legal formal complaint let alone any form of actual revenge.

Termite Tammy losing her husband at 65, assuming she has another decade or two to live, could be considered Karma for taking me away from my husband for half a year but what about all the other stuff? It’s still not the same as being legally kidnapped and forced to spend half a year of life in captivity. I won’t get into all the time and money we lost either. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in the lives of the people out west but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if life has been pretty good to them overall.

Honker’s got out-of-towners staying with him again. Funny how the people from here who are close to us never have anyone stay overnight. But the guy down all the way from Canada has overnighters 2-3 times in 6 months.

The planes are back to being full-on annoying. Keeping sound machines on until midnight. This is ridiculous.