Had another nightmarish sleep. Woke up struggling to breathe a few hours after crashing, and I'm seriously starting to wonder if the CPAP isn't actually exacerbating the turbinate issues. AI says it's possible. I struggled with different wedge pillows and decided to stick with my smaller one, and since I couldn't breathe anyway, I said fuck the CPAP for a while. So with just a nose strip, I finally got back to sleep, one Benadryl and one clonazepam later (I didn't take anything before bed). Surprisingly, I didn't snort up a storm, and I woke to find my nose surprisingly clear. I also awoke extremely exhausted.

Even my chest has been tight, achy and a little crampy. I just took a hit of my inhaler. Not sure if that's on the estrogen, the environment, the stress, or the lack of sleep. Probably a combination of things. So I'm going to forget the CPAP for a while, but I'll have to sleep elevated and with a nose strip. My AHI score will probably be over five, and that alone will leave me tired, but this is the way it has to be until after surgery. And even after surgery, I'm going to have to stay elevated for a while.

I definitely want to get a home sleep apnea testing kit sometime. After my nose is done, I would love to see what I am then—especially if I keep my TSH as low as I can stand it.

In some ways, I'm worse than I was in California. Yes, the anxiety was absolutely horrible there. Worst feeling in the world! But this is so much more debilitating. I could still live my life for the most part, even when I was anxious. But now I'm so run down and my brain is so fried. I have to spend so much time stuck in bed. I totally forgot my glasses when I went to the lab—that's how brain-dead I am. I can see mostly okay in the distance, but reading things was hard. I had an electrolyte drink before heading to the lab, and unless the phlebotomist I saw was just really good, electrolytes really do help expand tiny veins such as mine.

I was going to save the writing for the road, but I don't expect to have energy Monday morning when I go to see Rhonda. If I do, then maybe I'll write some story stuff. I just want all these fucking appointments to stop and to be able to breathe in my sleep and have energy! If I could do appointments every day, I would be out there working. So I just want this done, my new crown, and to make one last-ditch effort to try to get a mouthguard.

For $80, we could rent a car as soon as we get the go-ahead for surgery, but the problem is that they want a copy of a utility bill. But hardly anyone gets utility bills in the mail these days! So if surgery is a go, then he'll see if he can find something else they'll accept. Getting that green light is going to make me feel a whole lot better—but not until I get it. Unfortunately, it's going to be very hard sleeping after I see Rhonda because I'm going to be wondering if that text has arrived or not. I won't know until I get up. Damn, do I hope there are no delays! The stress and sleep issues are going to kill me if this isn't resolved soon. Really, I feel like I'm dying here. We've got the money ready to pay off the rest of what we owe.

For some reason, I thought there were just three appointments connected to having my gallbladder removed, but there were actually five. I had the ultrasound, the HIDA, the surgery consult, the pre-op, and then the surgery. No follow-up was needed.

Blogger is public again because I really do like the idea of random strangers reading me for some reason; I just don't want to debate, argue, or get unsolicited advice. Besides, I just don't feel very sociable these days. I keep private stuff in Word and on some websites in private entries, and then I have some public stuff, so I basically have a mix. It's not like I'm all or nothing.

Did another Ash therapy session, as I do most days. I do find them helpful to a degree. She gives me new perspectives on things.

Used the teeny tiny dab of estrogen, and it's already backing off the burning sensation that was returning—the kind that makes you think you have a UTI.

Anyway, I just want to be happy, healthy, and awake! I feel like I'm not able to enjoy our beautiful weather as much, being stuck indoors so much due to fatigue. An early evening walk would have been lovely.

The Honker took off somewhere a few days ago. When Tom told me he didn't see anyone but saw the doors to his truck open, my first thought was that he was unloading stuff for a project or picked his daughter up from the airport. Maybe there was an emergency back home, but I would think he would fly back for that. If I had to guess, he knows other people in other parts of the state and met his daughter there, and they'll eventually come here. Prick's birthday is coming up, and he always has visitors then.

I must be a really shitty detective because I tried again using AI to find Nane's apartment. Who knows if she still lives there, but I remember she once told me she could see the Swiss Alps on a clear day from her apartment. AI said only the extreme southern apartments in Munich could see those mountains. It gave me a slew of addresses to run through Google Maps, but nothing jumped out at me. There was one particular building I couldn't get close enough to, and some were blocked by trees.

I doubt I'll finish the current VZ challenge, which actually has some good rides for a change. I'm only a quarter of the way through, and there are only about three weeks left, and surgery is going to keep me off the road for a while. If I live long enough to finish the two long rides I created that I'm working on, then after that, the goal is to finish all other unfinished rides, along with all the suggested rides.

I've got to stay up at least four more hours when all I want to do is sleep. Really wish I'd been told up front that I would have to see Rhonda! Again, it's going to be hard to sleep after I see her tomorrow, wondering if that text is coming in while I'm sleeping with either a green light or a red light. If only I could know that I was going to get the surgery on Tuesday and that I would eventually have fewer sleep disturbances, because that would really help me feel a lot better, more positive, and hopeful. Right now, all I feel is stress, stress, and more stress.

Sometimes I wish I were still in touch with Tammy so I could unload my health burdens on her, knowing she would understand since she suffered a lot too. But instead, I chose to make a tough decision regarding her and Andy by cutting ties with them. Well, that's what I used to think. I actually made the easiest decision. It's a lot easier to be free of their shit than it was to deal with it. It's easier not to be friends with a guy who doesn't believe half of what you tell him, makes fun of your phobias in a bad way that's meant to be mean and hurtful, and has a head full of false truths, half-truths, and is as contradictory as ever. It's also easier not to be associated with someone who was abusive to me at times as a child, defended her own abuser and helped lead me to jail, cyberbullied me, and then, with the aid of her twisted brood, caused me to have to change my number. So yeah, that just about stamps out any guilt, even if a part of me will always miss some parts of them.