So Toni's in Florida now, and she didn't tell me she was coming down. I don't know how close she is to us, but that doesn't matter, as I'm not sure she and Melanie are really invested in friendship. I think Melanie's too sensitive to some of our different views on things, and that both of them just don't have much extra time for socializing since they have little kids.

Damn, do I wish I could go back in time when Aly and I were close, along with the version of Kim I knew before she went completely crazy on me. And of course, back to when Nane was part of my life, judgmental and hypocritical or not. Weird how so much of the time I miss our chats and wonder about her life and have thrown her into so many of my stories, but not Maliheh. Maliheh, I don't give a damn about, and I rarely think of her. I know I shouldn't give a damn about Nane either, but the more shit I go through these days, the more I miss some past aspects of my life. I'll never stop missing Aly, no matter what my life is like.

Anyway, I feel like Melanie is pulling away. She unfriended me on PB, and I doubt it's due to the fact that I haven't been using it publicly or even with friends; she takes time to get back to me on Messenger, and her answers have been pretty abrupt. I feel the urge to delete her, Toni, and the silent “Parker.”

As I said, I get that she and Toni don't have much free time, and I miss having mostly childless friends. Yet here we are living in a time when more women than ever don't have kids, yet I have very few friends who don't have any living at home, which makes regular check-ins and chats less consistent. The only one that is consistent is Todd, and that's great. But due to being intellectually challenged, it's hard to have deep, meaningful conversations with him any more than I could with Kim or Molly.

In general, I'm becoming less and less sociable online. I guess this is mostly due to wanting what I can't have back, and that's Aly. Nor will I ever have anyone like her. I realize I've got to stop hoping to be surprised in that department. Melanie and Toni and I just don't have the kinds of commonalities Aly and I had. They're not into creative writing, for ex.

Got a storm rolling through now, so I'm glad I'm still up. Still super stressed about tomorrow and if and when I can get that damn pre-op appointment scheduled!

Wish I could have more alone time, too. I love Tom, but this always home, always together—unless I'm up when he's donating or asleep—gets to be a bit much for me.

What's better about my life today? This is something I've been asking myself and trying to focus on to get a better outlook on things, but the fact is, I can't always tell myself things will be OK and that they'll work out with the kind of confidence Tom has. I wish I could make myself feel and believe whatever at will, but I just can't. Nonetheless, I don't have the kind of killer anxiety I used to have, and I definitely have a quieter place to live, which is great, but other than that, I feel like I don't have much going for me in the way of anything new or exciting or that feels like I'm making progress and getting ahead. I just don't see many new experiences or anything. I only see money woes and health issues.