I’m taping a 3-hour doll show now to see if they show Glenora again so I can at least get her code number which I was stupid enough to tape over. I won’t be able to pick out a doll for a few weeks, though, cuz Tom went over the limit on the credit card.

Two things went as I predicted. One was that Tom won a small amount of money at the racetrack yesterday ($16) like I saw, and two, the freeloaders were quiet. It’s today or Monday that they may make a ruckus.

Woke up at 112 pounds. Tom says it cuz I was stuck (I’m now unstuck). Even so, I took a water pill so I don’t have to starve for two weeks to get back under 110.

Yesterday, Tom not only surprised me by suddenly leading me to the bed for fun but also with how wonderful a job he did when he went down on me. I even got off. For your average woman, it’s a million times easier to get off when you go down on her than when you screw her. Screwing can’t hit the clit just right and in the right kind of way. At first he told me I didn’t have to get off since that’s not what this was all about, but I did. He did such a good job. Better than he’d usually do.

Once again, though, I don’t like the lying. That’s the only thing I have a problem with. He claimed, upon us getting into bed, that he didn’t know what would happen. You mean to tell me he just “happened” to go down on me after not doing so for ages? I don’t think so. I know he planned to go down on me, which was great. I needed the change. All we’ve been doing is screwing. But must he lie about it?

God really does find all kinds of ways to ensure our destinies. Even if it means using others to help. What I mean by this is that since we’re starting all over, he’s gonna use this as an excuse to not cum for years. Well, I hope he’s happy and doesn’t mind sacrificing cumming with his wife.

So, since we’ve gone back to the beginning, I can enjoy being selfish by having the sex be just for me, and not having to wash cum-stained sheets. If he’s as serious as he has been about going back in time and reenacting the sex we had in the beginning, then we’ll be having 1-sided sex for sure and he won’t cum till around the middle of 2001. Oh, how good it feels to have sex like this now! In the beginning, when we had our 1-sided sex where he didn’t cum, it was miserable for me. I hated it and I hated the infrequency of it, too. But now, if we switched to having sex more than once a week and during weekdays too (he claims he doesn’t know when or how often we’ll have sex), I’d be bored silly with it like never before.

I typed him up a little Valentine’s note and now I’ll go get my Evie messages.

Later...

Wow. No Evie messages. I wonder if I sent Dureen and Art a blank message, though. I thought it’d be funny if they found that I found them yet again, and took a moment to think of their most loved things, besides themselves. I came up with their bird and dog and so I typed in maxchicken. This produced no results, so then I tried chickenmax and the thing went through. I’ll know if it’s them in a day or two if the name changes again. If I send a message to chickenmax in a couple of days and get a message saying there’s no such user - it was them. If it’s them since their names didn’t work, their animals didn’t work, that should mean the flags would be next. Chickenmax, though, does seem like a name people may use. I mean, it doesn’t sound too original, so if I had to guess, I’d say it wasn’t them. Even though they do have a bird named Chicken and a dog named Max, Doe66 was more obvious than chickenmax.

Along with going to the track, Tom stopped and got me ink cartridges and some really cool treats for the mice that Mary gets for her hamsters. It’s colorful, crinkly strips of paper in a thin, cardboard box that they chew their way into. It’s got pink, blue, and yellow paper. He got one box that’s a couple of inches wide that I put in the small aquarium (I set up the aquariums again) and a box that’s about six inches wide that I put in the big aquarium.

I found a neat way to set up tubes in the rat’s cage. It’s hard to connect the tubes to the shelves once the shelves are inside the cage, but you can’t really do it before putting the shelves inside cuz they won’t fit through the doors. So I used the chains that hook the hammock on that they never used and it’s really cool. I think they like it. The chains hold the tubes in place, so I created a little ramp-like thing. The plastic rings that go on these tubes have holes in them for the chains.

I still have a strong vibe saying we’ll move in June, or very close to June, but what if the house takes close to a year to sell? God, I hope not! Tom says that houses out here are commonly selling in just 30 days lately. Well, I hope it stays that way and that it sells fast enough for us. I’ve seen houses take way more than 1-2 months to sell out here.

Thank God the freeloaders don’t know we’re moving soon enough, cuz if they did, they’d probably figure it was close enough that I wouldn’t complain to the city if they went back to their old shit. They would’ve thought wrong.

Later...

I feel like it’s Monday morning. A regular Monday morning, that is. God, I wish that were true.

Anyway, I watched the doll show and no Glenora. They had a couple of OK dolls, though. I wrote the code number down for one of them just in case. She’s a 24” doll named Giselle and she’s $50. The only thing I didn’t like about her was the frilly thing she had on her head. It was some kind of hat that might have had feathers. I wonder if I’ll be able to get the damn thing off her head if I get her, what with the way they glue/weave hats on. I don’t know why, but it seems that doll makers are obsessed with putting things on the doll’s heads. You almost never see a doll with nothing on her head. She was a ballerina-type doll and although her outfit was gorgeous, once again, it was blue. Blue seems to be the number one color for doll clothing. They had a lot of William Tung dolls (the guy who made Glenora), but most of his dolls were hideous. They had a 36” doll for just $119! She was pitiful, though. Short hair, shitty outfit.

For variety’s sake, I put Bailey in the floral dress with the purple trim that one of my teddy bears wears. It doesn’t exactly go with her blue hair bows, but I don’t want to take them out in case I can’t get them back in too easily. I cannot believe how realistically and well she’s sculpted! Even her knees look real. I have the front part of her dress sort of bunched on her lap so you can see one of her knees. I brushed out her hair and was amazed to find how easy it was. Just like with Anne. Wish mine were that easy to brush out! When I got Bailey undressed, what I saw was a little scary. The breastplate that the head sits on wasn’t attached to the cloth body very well. It didn’t seem to be, anyway. It was only attached with a few thin strips of cloth. Well, it hasn’t fallen off yet and if it does, it looks like it could be reattached easily enough provided that the head and breastplate don’t smash to pieces first.

I wonder just how close to the sex we had in the first couple of years Tom’s planning on following. If he’s gonna do exactly what we did the first couple of years, we’re gonna have sex for me and get me off. He’ll go down on me, but he won’t cum or go on top. We’ll do only the side position and instead of going on top after banging away on the side for a while, he’ll stop either when I cum or when he feels like he’s been hard long enough. Meanwhile, he’ll never go on top. As I told him, he’s the boss in bed. Always has been, always will be. So it’s up to him what we do, but if I have to wait two years, depending on how close to the past he wants to follow through with this thing, I’ll kind of miss his being on top.

The mice are acting really weird and I think there’s a damn good chance that they’ll never use the aquariums again. They’re ignoring everything I stored away for a week or so. They’ll only stay in the two Play City cages that they’ve always used. They did this when I took away and then put back another Play City cage that I haven’t used in ages. After I took it away for a while, then put it back, they wouldn’t have anything to do with it. But why? This is weird, huh? Well hopefully, the babies will use it once they can get around on their own.

Later...

As much as I rank on this house, there are a few good things about it. Take the little living room window, for example. I’ve always loved the square window that’s between the big window and the door with its thick translucent glass. It’s exactly one square foot and Barbie fits in it just nicely. I put her in there for now, since Bailey’s not holding her now.

I really pity the next people to live here. Not just cuz of the dogs and cuz they’ll have to deal with some ball games that are so close, they’ll think someone’s throwing a ball up against the house, but cuz the freeloaders will go back to their old shit for damn sure. I don’t know if the cock will move back in, but I’m sure they’ll return to blasting their music. And I’ll bet you the sick fucks will hope that the new people will complain, however reasonable the complaint and politely made it may be, just so they can start the whole spiel all over again and knowingly and intentionally harass and blast that music till it pisses the people off. That’d be a dumb thing to do, though. Unless the people just don’t mind having their walls thumped with bass, or do it themselves too, what if the new people are even less tolerant than me? What if they do beat the snot out of her and her cronies like I wanted to and almost did numerous times? What if they complain to the city and end up getting evicted since that’d make the third complaint that I know of?

Oh, great! Bandit’s down in one of the aquariums. Maybe they will use it again, after all.

I have a feeling that this 3-day weekend won’t be completely peaceful. They gave me two quiet weekends in a row, so I think that in their minds, it’ll be time to make up for that peace. Remember I know just how these fuckaroos operate. You don’t even have to be good with people to know how they operate, cuz they go about it in such an obvious way. Right now, I sense that Sunday or Monday could call for some shit, and God knows I’ll be up to receive it, too.

And who knows what the renters and our local bangers may do, although lately, it’s been great as far as stereos go in general. I’m also stunned to have not heard/seen more of the collie kids lately either out back, on the street, or next door, but like I said, I think they got into a fight and that explains why the girl that’s about ten years old, that used to use their hoop, hasn’t used it.

Later...

I did something I haven’t done since gaining and losing weight. My metabolism must be soaring. Well usually, if I take a day to pig out, I’m a pound heavier the next day and I don’t lose that pound till after I’ve stopped eating. Well, I pigged out two days ago and woke up a pound heavier. Then yesterday, I ended up pigging out too, but woke up at midnight a pound less at 109! Maybe it’s cuz I slept for such a long time. You do lose weight in your sleep. Well, you should. I wasn’t at first. When my weight peaked at around 125 pounds, I’d wake up at exactly what I went to bed at. Anyway, here I am being compensated for waking up a pound lighter by being stuck. First day in weeks, even close to a month, that I’ve been stuck. Not even the last two times I took a water pill caused me to be stuck. I was gonna cheat, had I woken up at 110-111, by taking a water pill. Gets me back down to 108-109 a lot faster than doing it the old-fashioned way. Maybe I ought to go online. I noticed that being on the phone or being online seems to get those number twos rolling. I’d always have to take a dump right when I’d be in the middle of looking up something on the web.

Andy left a message saying that he got the letter and money I sent for his birthday.

Later...

Just like we’re taking a break from sex to try to have it be more special, new and exciting when we return to it (although I know better), I’m taking a break from picture screensavers to use some of the regular ones.

Tom got this really neat sponge that’s attached to a slim stick that you put soap into. It seeps into the sponge as you do dishes. It’s really cool, but I can’t hang it where the sponge is dangling down, cuz then the soap just seeps through and runs out. I have to lay it on its side.

I asked Tom if it would be OK for him to decide when it’s best to go back to sex (since it’s usually him who makes most of the decisions concerning sex) and he agreed, but I hope it’s gonna be a while yet. Just like mixing business with pleasure complicates things, so does mixing sex with relationships. My love for Tom just isn’t sexual, anyway. It’s emotional. And I don’t want the sex thrown into the picture to complicate things. On the other hand, there aren’t reasons why it could complicate things as much as there used to be. It used to be that it bothered me that he didn’t cum, especially cuz it used to be that I wanted a baby. It used to be that he’d play games and refuse to even go in there at times. But now that I’d prefer him not to cum, don’t want a child, prefer sex part-time on weekends, goes in there we go to screw, there shouldn’t be arguments over sex, since the sex itself has gotten to be mutual. In the past, though, it was pretty much on his terms only and I didn’t like his terms much back then. I just have no desire to have sex with him, plain and simple. I love him and want to be with him forever, but I love to talk with him, do things with him, etc. Not fuck with him. It isn’t the predictability of the sex that bores me, it’s the sex itself that bores me, and I’d really rather just take care of myself.

As I was telling Tom yesterday, I have some worries that eat at me at times, but don’t we all? It’s really weird and a bit frustrating, cuz when I’m miserable I spend my time wishing for better times, and when I’m happy I spend my time fearing I’ll be miserable again at any moment. I just hope and pray to God that I never find myself wanting a kid again. It’s not like I could do something about it if I did. Most couples can do something about it and can be helped if they’re having a problem. However, I’m a freak case cuz of Tom. This doesn’t mean, though, that if Tom were suddenly normal in bed this would change anything, cuz I’d still be a freak case, but then it’d be cuz of God.

I didn’t express this to Tom and I never would, but as much as I’m anxious to get Ma off to join Dad, and on with our lives (hopefully), I don’t look forward to being treated like shit. Maybe things will be different this time around and I sure do hope so, cuz he really treated me like shit when his dad died, and he really took his sorrow out on me. I understood. It’s not like he meant to do what he did deliberately, but he’d snap at me, lie, make ridiculous excuses for his behavior, and say I said/did things I didn’t say/do, etc.

Porky and Ratsy are playing now. The rats play like kittens and it’s so cute!

We didn’t thoroughly check out land since it’s kind of soon, but we got a general idea of the area and it’s beautiful.

We went to one of the casinos we’d been to before and had pretty much the luck I predicted, which wasn’t much. Tom did win $175 at one point, but he put most of it back. I both lost and broke even. I’ve got a really good accuracy rate when it comes to sensing out machines that I can hold my own on for a while, but not win big on. I’m sure that’s because neither of us is ever destined to win anything big. At one point, I had to decide whether or not to keep on gambling, or to stop at the $40 I’d just lost, but then Tom gave me $40 of his, so I still have $60 left. Guess this means I’ll be getting a doll again soon, but not too soon. I doubt I’ll be able to find Glenora again, and it may take a few shows to find a doll I want. Most of their dolls really do suck or are boring.

Anyway, we both had fun and I gave my diet a break to have two candy bars, a bag of Fritos, and a large order of fries at Jack-n-the-Box. Gained a pound for it too, so now I have to really cut back.

I came up with a wonderful piece of bullshit. You know, for the freeloader file? In this story, we are the blue car that comes to pick her up in the mornings. We got the same car, same color, and we were waiting for her early in the morning. It was still dark at the time, so she hopped right on in the car without even looking, assuming it was the usual car and driver that takes her to wherever she goes. Then I wrote about how she took a lisping tizzy fit similar to the one she took on me in real life, and then we dropped her off way out of her way in Tucson.

We’re gonna wait till it gets lighter earlier before we follow the bitch. Tom wants to wait down on 19th Ave. And follow from there. Less chance of getting detected, I guess, not that I really care. I don’t think he wants to or really ever intends to follow her to see where she goes, but you know Tom - just can’t say "no" too easily to things he doesn’t want to do. He just goes along with you and is like - yeah, yeah, whatever.

Seeing that they gave me two quiet weekends in a row, I have a feeling that this upcoming holiday weekend will change that pattern.

The renters had their white car towed away the other day, according to Tom. They’ve been great, too. I’ve only heard their music three times and it was nothing compared to what the freeloaders would give me. I also don’t hear their dog barking 24/7.

Andy did just what I knew he’d do. Damn! He really wants to be a loser. He really wants to stay in the same old rut he’s been in since 1988. He blew off that job. What a shame. It would’ve been good pay and good benefits, but hey, if he doesn’t give a shit and if he doesn’t want to work, no one can make him. But why doesn’t he just become a full-time dealer? If he has no problem with druggies and with dealing to those he knows, and if he doesn’t mind giving up pensions and benefits, which is obviously the case, why doesn’t he just deal his life away, so to speak? That’s all his life is anyway - pot, food, and phones. Mixed in with a little TV and music.

I decided that there is one song on Linda’s new album that I do like, after all. It’s called Heartbreak Kind.

After we came home at 7:30, we took off again at 9:00 and went to the pet store. I needed a heavy-weight bowl like Velvet’s got for the rats, and rat/mice food. So I got a bowl with silhouettes of rabbits and ferrets on it.

Then we went to check out what kind of Fancy mice they had in stock, wondering if they had none or just males, but guess what? They had two females that are probably pregnant, and I got them! Yes, Katie and Ashley are cuties. Katie has the most white I’ve ever seen on a Fancy mouse. Ashley looks a lot like Spot did. So now I have 8 mice and hopefully, I’ll have about 16 by March 4th, since they carry litters for 3 weeks at a time. Well, if they’re pregnant, they could be a week or more into their pregnancies, so 3 weeks would be the max. They were in with males, though, and they are old enough to conceive. They look to be about a month old. They’re no babies, but they aren’t quite full-grown, either. They could even be a little more than a month. They’re about Star’s size, my one and only mouse that didn’t quite make it to full-grown size. They’re sisters.

I didn’t take pictures of Katie yet, but I got a couple of cute ones of Ashley, which I’ll be sending Tammy and them guys.

Lastly, we went to the bookstore, and did I ever tell you about this pest that works there? Good, God! I can’t shop there anymore. Besides, it’s time to explore a new store anyway.

For all I know, she’s some lonely lesbian who thinks I’m just beautiful. If not, she’s obviously very lonely and very bored. That’s not much of a job she’s got, organizing books.

She’s shorter than me, with a plain/ugly face, boy-short hair, and totally typical of what I’d get pestering me. I mean, leave it to a pitiful thing like this to be all friendly and wanting to talk to me.

Anyway, the last several times I’d go into the store, she’d be bugging me by asking if she could find this or find that for me. Totally annoying! I couldn’t concentrate very well on finding good books with this thing hanging around me acting like she was all infatuated with me and dying for my attention.

I was a little firmer with her yesterday and let her know that if I needed something, I’d ask. Meanwhile, she was trying to get my sympathy by bitching about her flu and her stomach, but after a minute or two of giving her the silent treatment, she fucked off. Still, if I gave her my whole day, she’d sit and gab to me all fucking day long. If I must run into people who are like this periodically, can’t they look like Melanie and be a little more worth it? No! Of course not! Being both psychic and good with people, I have a feeling this poor lost, lonely soul has a touch of the old me in her, though. I picture her living alone and maybe even being on SSI. She’s forever single, not too many friends and if so, not ones you can count on and that even have half a brain, and she’s constantly hard up for bucks.

Later...

Jesus fucking Christ! I cannot believe how hexed I am when it comes to toilets! Not only do you have to hold the button in that flushes the damn thing for something like ten seconds, but now it’s leaking in back from the bass of the tank! Well, fuck this shit. I’m not even gonna give in to this hex. I’m just gonna turn the other cheek on it and hope the fucking thing will stay functional enough till we’re out of here and that it doesn’t affect the sale of the house. Tom has enough maintenance jobs in store for this house. He doesn’t need any more. It’s like, he fixes three things, then two more things break. He never really gets ahead. I just know too, that things that shouldn’t need to be fixed for 10-20 years will be breaking in the new house right away. What is it with me and toilets? Why am I hexed with toilets? Sex. Toilets. Free will. Where’s the connection? Is there any? Does any of this shit mean anything beyond just the basic fact that I’m hexed within these departments?

Later...

I forgot to mention that I got carded upon entering the casino. I was surprised, too.

Katie sure is a wheeler. She’s been wheeling for hours, it seems. She also has such a small amount of brown. Only her rump and one side of her face have brown fur.

The girl at the pet store, whom I’ve seen before, offered to take the male babies provided that her usual breeder doesn’t load her up first. It’d be just my luck that this breeder would give her a ton of mice the day before I went to bring them in, too. She said Siamese mice are really pretty. Never seen them. They’re supposed to be light brown with darker brown around the ears.

I got a kick out of how I said (after I got Anne) that I wasn't gonna get Rapunzel cuz Anne blows Rapunzel away. No, she doesn't. Not even close. I don't know why I thought that. Maybe I did cuz I hadn't yet seen Rapunzel in person.

In the card file thing, where I have index cards of pet info, tel. numbers, etc., I created a doll card too, and put the dates in that I got each doll.

There are two doll shows that I know of on the Home Shopping channel. There's The Doll Outlet and Gallery Of Dolls. I check out the dolls on the Gallery of Dolls earlier. They had a lot of dolls I'd seen on other shows of both these doll shows, but no Glenora. The new ones I hadn't seen before either sucked or were just so-so.

At 3:00, I'll be getting Tom up. We should hit the casinos by 4:00. Then when we're done gambling, unless we lose real fast, the sun should be just coming up so we can check out the nearby land.

Speaking of me playing detective, well, both Tom and I have a little case going. The assignment is about following that bitch and finding out where she goes during the week. That ought to really creep her out; her reading about that.

What I'm gonna do, is find out who the hell's driving her to wherever she goes lately. She's had three different drivers - Bill, the cock, and the lady in the light blue car. I'm also gonna verify which direction they take off in. That way, we'll be parked a little way down the road ready to follow them when I see her current driver go by. Bill comes between 6:15 and 7:30, so I'll be on the lookout during those times.

Woke up at 109 pounds.

Tom didn’t get picked for jury duty, fortunately.

Got my CDs yesterday. All but one came, cuz Pure Dance 1998 was out of stock. Linda’s new album, just like the last one, has not even one good song on it. I will never buy another album of hers again! I’m finished with her. She just cannot come up with hits like she used to. I’ll keep the album anyway. There were four CDs I didn’t like and if Tom doesn’t want them, I’ll have him bring them to Mary’s house so that anyone who wants them can help themselves. Or maybe Andy will want a couple of them. One’s a Marvin Gaye album, one’s the Grease soundtrack (which I thought had other songs on it that I’d like that I don’t have on other CDs), and the others are oldies. The shittiest of the oldies. The ones I like are these two Fleetwood Mac albums. One is of them performing live, the other’s other artists doing some of their hits. Got one of Heart, Hall & Oats, Janet Jackson, Styx, The Mamas and the Papas, and a couple of disco albums.

We didn’t have sex during the weekend. I guess what Tom’s doing is understanding that the sex got a little old, and therefore, he’s giving me a break from it, although we haven’t literally gone “back to the basics,” so to speak. He’s taken this really well, though, as no other man would, and for this I’m really grateful. He’s one of a kind! I don’t know when we’ll return to sex. I guess I’ll leave that up to him. I know that sex, when we do return to it, will be predictable, but hopefully, the urge to get off with him and not just with the vibrators will have returned, but I’m afraid deep down that this is where I’ll stay. Only time will tell, though.

My little night prowler stayed home last night, and it looks like he will tonight, too.

Later...

I’m a little tired this evening. That’s because I only slept for six hours. Seeing that I’m just a hobbyist and a homemaker, I can certainly live with it. Especially since it doesn’t have to be for four months that I’m deprived of my sleep.

At this point, I believe there’s either a 50/50 chance one of us has something wrong in the plumbing department or a 50/50 chance nothing’s wrong at all. It’s either one or the other. I’m not totally sure something’s wrong, I’m not totally sure nothing’s wrong. Whichever it is, it’s God’s will and they both mean the same thing, whether I ever want a child again or not - a child will never be. It’s not destined.

Tom guesses that by the year 2000, I’ll have a total of 12 dolls (not counting Barbies). That sounds reasonable. He guesses that by the year 2001, I’ll have 75 dolls between those I buy and those I make. That many?! I’d say more like 15-20 by then, but we’ll see.

His ma gave us $100 each to gamble with, which we’re gonna do probably tomorrow morning. This was very nice of her. I’m gonna try to get a doll either way. Meaning, I’m gonna try to only gamble $30-$40 so I can watch the next doll show and see if I can get one I like, but as far as Glenora goes, I think I can pretty much write her off as a lost cause. I don’t think we could find her if there are any more of her left.

Tom took Ma for her appointment today. Now they’re worried about her heart, I guess, so they did a test on her and are gonna do more tests to find out if a valve is leaking or what. She said she won’t have a triple bypass done if she needs one. I don’t blame her, although those aren’t such a big deal anymore. But still, why put yourself through it if you don’t even have two more years to live?

Last Friday I left Andy a message after he told me he was gonna start that job with the bank Monday, to leave me a message Monday after work to let me know how it went. As figured, though, there was no message. Like I was surprised? Right! He probably never even showed up for work. Anyway, not only did I not get a message from him over the weekend, I didn’t get a message in response to my asking him if he wanted the CDs I don’t like. Is something wrong? I don’t sense it, so to speak, and I hope not. Maybe he did go to work and is just too busy to discuss it.

Later...

I’m reading my last book now and will need to go to the bookstore this week. I’m reading The Guardian which was based on the movie that Norah was in where she looked her best in 1990. At first I wasn’t gonna get too many books based on movies I’d seen, because then I’d really know what the book was all about. Books are pretty predictable as it is. However, the book versions are slightly different than the movie version. There are some twists and turns. So, since I’m getting tired of getting ten books only to end up liking half of them, I may as well get books that I know I’ll like.

Tom told me all about his day in court. He said he was sitting in for jury selection on two different trials. The first one was a guy charged with aggravated DUI. The judge would begin by asking a series of questions. The first was “Do any of you know me or my family?” I joked to Tom that he should’ve answered, “Yeah, I know you! You were my daddy in a former life!” There were questions asked like “Does anyone here not drink?” (because the case was about drinking). So Tom said he didn’t drink, then he was asked why he didn’t drink. He said it was because he didn’t like the taste of alcohol or its effect on the body. That disqualified him immediately.

They were asked if any of them were related to anyone in law enforcement, and Tom jokingly thought about saying that his wife works for the FBI, since I’m always spying on the freeloaders and investigating this and that, in a sense.

He said he was surprised at how many professionals were there. There were several doctors and lawyers and other so-called hotshots. He thought there’d be more lower-class people. There was a cop too, as a potential juror who was asked if he’d automatically side with the officers testifying in a case. He said yes and the judge said: “Leave.” Typical, typical pig too, to side with a fellow officer no matter what.

He said the second trial was one black that beat up another black. Tom said he feared he’d get picked for this trial cuz he couldn’t answer yes to any of the questions asked. One of the questions asked, naturally, was “Is anyone prejudiced?” I was kind of surprised no one answered yes. I mean, this may not be 50 years ago, but still, there still are and always will be, people who hate blacks. Or “African Americans.” Or “people of color.” They keep rewording their so-called description. They were “colored” in the 70s.

Speaking of blacks that I consider assholes, after President’s Day, which will be on Andy’s birthday on the 15th, there’ll be a whole six weeks before the next holiday - Easter! Can you believe it? A whole six weeks. Wow! Will they act up and make complete assholes of themselves like they did last Easter? If they know what’s good for them, they won’t, cuz last Easter, they were despicable! They blasted in and out, they had ten kids playing ball for what was it? Three hours? It couldn’t have been more obvious that it was aimed at me.

Tom went to the racetrack today. I told him that I strongly vibe that neither of us is destined to ever win anything big. I told him he wouldn’t win anything big today, but to have fun anyway. Then he swore he’d change destiny and win $200 and find that doll I want and get her. I was asleep when he got home, but when I got up, I told him, “I told you so.” Sure enough, he not only didn’t win anything, but they also canceled the races after four races.

Between a water pill and watching what I ate, two days ago I woke up at 108 pounds, and today, 109.

Did up a letter to Tammy.

For Andy’s birthday, I’ll be mailing him a wacky letter with a $20 bill stuffed inside.

I set up Bailey in yet another pose. For a long time, she sat on one of the stereo speakers. Then I put her on the floor with one hand on a stuffed wolf, then later holding Barbie by the back of the neck as she stood on the floor next to her, and now she’s kneeling by Maria. I didn’t think this doll could kneel, cuz I thought her knees weren’t bent enough, but obviously I was wrong. Since Bailey and Maria are about the same size/weight, I weighed Maria just to see how heavy this doll was. She’s only three pounds. I was surprised. I thought she’d be closer to five.

The little night prowler should be out and about any time now. Porky still walks around the outside of his cage at night.

Just broke the second dog cup I ever broke. Of course it had to be my three Dalmatians, one of my favorites.

The weekend was quiet. I'm surprised the freeloaders let us have two weekends in a row of peace with no ball games or anything. Guess they feel we've been paid back enough for the roofing noise, cuz remember, she wasn't home throughout most of it.

The neighborhood was quiet today. Didn't hear the renters. Didn't hear the freeloaders. Bill was next door, but that's all I saw from over there. Is Bill really that lonely with no life at all? Or does he know and resent in any way shape or form just how much he's being used by that bitch?

Just when I thought my period was over, I've had spotting today. What? Am I gonna go the other direction and have my period, then spot, rather than spot first, then get my period?

Well, Tom is officially on vacation. It rained today too (at least my lungs are better), but at least for his sake, you can almost always count on a beautiful weekend in Arizona, cuz he wants to go to the racetrack Sunday. Tomorrow, he’s gonna shop for fun stuff for himself. He was supposed to do this a while back, but for various reasons, he never got around to it. He needs a new wallet, and maybe he’ll pick up a new computer game or something.

You know how I said something always comes up on his vacations? Well, two days are shot already, cuz he has jury duty on Monday, and he has to take our daughter to the doctor next week, too. At least his mother was kind and generous enough to offer to pay for us to go to Laughlin, but we decided against it. We don’t want to spend six hours on the road each way and not sleep well. Well, I wouldn’t sleep well. We’d rather go to the casinos on the Indian reservation and while we’re at it, we’ll check out some land in that area. If there’s any available to check out. We’ll have to look online.

A really loud stereo just thumped by, so I lost my train of thought. Where was I? Well, let’s just say we don’t have any big plans for this vacation. I just hope it’s a pleasant one.

I don’t know if we’ll break our routine of weekend sex and have it during the week since he’s on vacation, but to tell you the truth, I really hope we don’t. I mean, I don’t see how going back to basics and doing the backrub scene and all that is gonna make a difference. What it is is plain and simple - it’s old. There really is no big problem here to figure out, after all. It’s just that sex is no longer new and exciting to me. At this point, if I need to get off, I can just get off with the vibrators. There’s nothing new to explore and experiment with him. Also, although sex is predictable, it’s familiar and comfortable.

I also want to do right by God and be a responsible person (along with helping to prevent something from happening that I don’t want to happen). Meaning I don’t want to have mid-cycle sex even though God’s seen fit to it that I cannot conceive. It’s sort of like having cops. OK, so you have them around to protect you, but should you still dump the responsibility all on the cops and assume that just because they exist, you can be stupid and irresponsible and go walking around alone in a bad area of town in the middle of the night? That’d be ridiculous. People still have to do the right thing and be responsible for their own selves no matter how well-protected they already are.

There’s a doll show going on at 8:00. I’ll be checking it out.

I’m having a serious setback with the weight. Woke up at 113 pounds! Yeah, I have been eating too much. Isn’t it scary, though, to see how fast I could undo nearly a month’s worth of work? I could eat my way back up to the mid-120s in time for my next appointment with Melanie on the 22nd and be the same size I was when I first saw her. No prob. Anyway, I’ll be pushing myself really hard to make sure I don’t have more than 1000 calories. I even took a water pill to give me a head start, even though it’s after my period. Yeah, my period’s just about over. I’m gonna be sooooooooo hungry. Food is all I think about! Those Chromium Picolinate pills became more and more worthless, so I’m on my own as far as dealing with hunger pangs go. It’s either go hungry or eat and get fat. Real fat. I’m gonna go hungry till I’m about 40, but after that - I’m gonna live it up. No, I’m not gonna eat like a pig and eat nothing but junk, but I’m not gonna deprive myself either, and spend so many hours being hungry.

Later...

Well, I peed off nearly three pounds and am down to 110½.

Tom says Mary’s got some sort of problem with her stomach or intestines, but that’s all I know. I know she’s gonna live, but I don’t know if she’s gonna need surgery.

Tom and I were debating over whether Bill really ever had lymphoma. He insists Bill wouldn’t shave his head and that that was real chemo baldness. But guys aren’t into appearance like women, so if he wanted to pull some bullshit lie for attention that required him shaving his head, he’d do it. Maybe the sick fuck really did have it, but I like to say he lied about it. I mentioned his lying about it in a letter to Tammy and she never insisted I got the wrong idea, so who knows for sure? The point is, whether or not he did have it, I guess you could say there’s a little Dureen in me who likes to add lies to the truth out of anger and hatred. Although, this is human nature in a way. So, besides admitting certain things about Bill that are true, I kind of like the idea of calling this little shit a liar and making up shit that never happened, to add to shit that did happen. I love to hate people like him.

Andy left a message telling me he was mugged by five people. Thank God he wasn’t hurt. He said he knows where they live and that he’s gonna have some guy in the neighborhood take care of them for him. He’s gonna have one guy take on five guys? Right!

Then he told me some good news, but then again, it’s not good news, cuz he won’t let it be good news. Through the temp agency, he’s gonna be working at Bank One (as a clerk for 7:50 an hour, Monday through Friday, 8 AM-5 PM) for what they say is to be three months, but he says will end up being only three weeks, cuz of jobs they’ve said before that would be for three months that turned out to be only for three weeks. As Tom said, this is a good job to have and if he does a good job, they’ll hire him permanently. But he doesn’t want a permanent job and he doesn’t want full-time work. I don’t care what he says, he only wants part-time work in different places. He may keep a job for a while if it’s part-time, but if he were given a full-time position, he’s gonna set himself up for firing. He’ll open his mouth and practically beg to be fired.

Even he’s admitted to liking little vacations and having free time to bum around. Is he always gonna be such a sad sad case? Such a loser?

Porky’s become quite the prankster. He’s taken to walking around the outside of his cage and for the last three nights in a row, I caught him on the outside of the cage and had to yell at him to get back inside. That little shit! It’s kind of cute, though. It’s like the little devil knows just what he’s doing too, cuz he seems to usually do this only when I’m around to see it. Sort of like a cat getting negative attention by climbing on a table it’s not supposed to be climbing on, knowing its gonna get yelled at.

This is the second day in a row that I haven’t heard or seen anyone other than Bill from next door. She’s not out partying or doing something tonight, though, cuz there are lights on inside and no porch light on.

Tom brought up a good point about them if they were to move first, which I highly doubt and don’t sense. He says they won’t do anything to the house. He said they may play loud music while loading up, but they wouldn’t do anything to the house. He said burning it down is out of the question, cuz it’s awfully hard to burn down a brick house. True. But they still may smash windows or do other vandalism.

Later...

The good thing about the doll shows is that at the beginning of each hour, they show a quick preview of the dolls they’re gonna sell. So at 9:00, I’ll get a preview of the last hours’ worth of dolls. So far, none of the dolls are impressive. Just their prices. There was a 24” vinyl baby doll, not that I’d want it, for just $17!

Last night, at the same time as the night before, that guy from the Embassy Suites hotel called back with his vacation deal shit. I told you he would. I’m good with people. I didn’t let him get any further than where he was calling from before I went off on him. I knew it was him, though, by what time it was, and I also recognized the voice instantly. Tonight, I took the phone off the hook and will leave it off till 9:00, cuz I don’t want to be distracted by the phone constantly ringing. I’m surprised the little fuck didn’t leave a message last night. Maybe hearing a man’s voice discouraged him, but somehow, I doubt this.

Later...

I saw the rest of the dolls, and they were all either shitty or so-so, till I saw Glenora! Oh my God! She was 24” at $70 with ordinary hair just to the waist and an ordinary face, but her outfit! It was like - wow! It was a mint green colored crepe skirt with a matching top, but what made this doll so unique was that her stomach was exposed. The top is sort of like a midriff. It was beautiful, and there are just not enough outfits like these. She had on nice lace shoes and was holding a basket of flowers. She was really nice.

They had a 33” doll for just a little over $100. You could never get a deal like that in the stores! The store’s dolls that are around 30” are usually $400-$500.

Didn’t like Nightmare’s Child, so I’m now reading Billy and it seems better so far. It’s about a child who’s stalked and abducted.

Two days ago I told Tom that I had a moderate-strong vibe that his sore throat would finally, after nearly three weeks, go away. He told me today that it’s almost gone.

Once again, Bill left at 4:30, but then I didn’t see any cars since. Guess the bitch slipped in while I was listening to music or something.

Anyway, I thought I’d write till the slew of sales calls that’s to hit any sec now distracts me. Hopefully, the renters won’t distract me anymore tonight, either. Yeah, the white car just banged in, but not with all bass. All drums. Still, it wasn’t loud enough or often enough to do something about it. I thought it was the silver car next door at first.

Once again, these renters are so damn weird! I think there are something like three adults living over there. I think one was inside or going inside, while a guy and a girl stood outside in this damp rainy weather hugging. Why the fuck would people want to hug outside on such a miserable night?

Tom told me to get him up if it went beyond just a drizzle out there so he could go up in the attic and see if he could see where it was leaking, so I did.

Amazingly, the back room’s not leaking at all. Not yet anyway, but as I told Tom, we’ll never be allowed to fix this roof. It will always leak somehow, somewhere. I don’t know if this roof is forever hexed to anyone who may ever live here, but I do know that as long as we’re here, we won’t be able to fix it. I told him this a long time ago and so far, my vibes haven’t failed.

He insists he was stupid and put a section of the roof on backward while he was tired. Whatever. It’s God I’m pissed off at, though. He’s so mean to Tom. He’s so mean to us. He just won’t help us help ourselves. To me, it’s just like Tom would’ve worked as long and as hard as he did to put the new roof on, only to have some sick fuck come and tear parts of it up. That’s how mean God is. Or something is. I never was one to swear it was God for sure, but if there is a good God of any kind up there, why is he allowing some evil source to do this if it isn’t him that’s doing this? Could the evil source perhaps be stronger than he is? We just want to be left alone. We don’t need these constant setbacks. I warned Tom, too, of the consequences of going against God. If he tries fixing this roof, it’s only gonna get worse. Or something else will go wrong. Then he said that there were two leaks, and when he got one to stop, the other got worse. See? This is exactly the kind of compensation I’m talking about.

I asked him why he wastes his time and sleep trying to fix something that can’t be fixed, and he said that it’s in his nature to not stop trying. Could’ve fooled me. Then if he’s the one wanting more sex and a kid, why’d he stop trying for full-time sex and a kid? (not that God would allow him/us to do this or that that’s what I want) His lame excuse was that you can’t get pregnant during your period, which I have now. True. But neither can you if you don’t screw a woman when she’s mid-cycle, get off in her, and aren’t fertile (or are fertile, but not allowed the right to choose to conceive if you want to). He said that’s why he wants us to go back to basics. He says it’ll up the sex and all that. I don’t want to up the sex, I want to just enjoy it. Also, we can’t up the sex, cuz we can’t change our busyness and schedules.

This period has been the most normal period I’ve had in months and I haven’t needed any ibuprofen. I did have spotting yesterday, so I thought I’d do that till around Saturday or Sunday, but nope. Although it’s still short and light compared to most women (God could never let me be like most women!) it’s normal enough for me. I wish all my periods could be like this. Although the PMS did catch up to me in the end, it was physical. Not mental.

I’ve slacked off on my exercising again, so I want to get back with that even if they don’t do much for me. For most women, as Tom pointed out, they’d help. That’s because most women are trying to get close to my size, but since I’m already where most women are trying to go, they don’t do much for me. If I were 140-180 pounds like most women, then I’d notice more of a difference from these exercises. I’m still heavier than I have been. Woke up at 111 again.

If there’s any good to this rain, it should help clean the air and give my lungs a break from being tight, even if it’s only for a couple of days.

Andy called and left a message saying, “Sure, sure, sure, lonely, lonely, lonely.” 

Gee Andy, I really needed that. God, people and the things they do just for attention and just to be acknowledged. Of course, as I knew would be the case, not a damn thing about my losing Ziggy (I told him about her on his machine yesterday). Not even a simple “I’m sorry” from the selfish thing. He’s another one I contemplate walking away from when we move. I just don’t need him. I don’t see why he needs me, either. I mean, he’s still in Springfield and I’m not. I may not have made as many changes as I’d like, but look where he is and look where I am. It’s not that I look down upon him and consider myself better than him, I just don’t consider us to be as compatible as we used to be. We don’t share the same interests, routines…nothing. But I don’t want to try to control or change him. He doesn’t have to be just like me. I want him to be himself and do the things that make him happy. I just want to move on, so to speak, as I have. I just feel I’ve outgrown him.

Tom says there’s something serious going on with Mary medically. He wonders if she may have some kind of cancer or growth within her liver. Oh, God! Just what she needs. Just what this family needs. If she’s got cancer of the liver, she’s dead. Why God? Why the good people? Why do the good people get cancer while the sick fucks like Bill G get curable cancer? Mary may be a user, but she’s still much better than your average person. Just like Tom’s mom and several members of Tom’s family. Mary, Dave, Tom, and I have a full enough plate between having to deal with dad, and now mom. We don’t need problems with Mary, too. I don’t have any death vibes, and God help us all if I’m wrong, as strong as the life vibe is! Where would Ma live? I can’t picture her staying with just Dave and his son who comes on weekends.

As Tom said, though, this is Mary’s own fault. You can’t live on grease, and that’s exactly what she’s been doing for so many years, but she just doesn’t care. She refuses to eat anything other than McDonald’s. In a way, I envy her and her carefree ways. I wish I didn’t give a shit about what I ate and how I looked and how cluttered and dirty my house was. No one that eats at McDonald’s every single day with such dedication, gives a shit about how they look. She’s got a man’s attitude, and if there was one thing and one thing only that I wish I had that most men have, that’s that I wouldn’t give a damn about how I looked or what I ate. I’d let the house be trashed and not care, either. Mary’s house is one of the filthiest, sloppiest, cluttered, disgusting, ugliest houses I ever did see. Not the house itself, but what’s inside the house. She gets this from her parents, though. Tom’s the same way. It’s just that I won’t let him be, except for the back room, cuz I can’t stand to live in such a filthy cluttered mess. It’s depressing. I like things neat, pretty, uncluttered, and organized.

Maybe Mary will bypass McDonald’s on her way home from work one of these days, clean her house, and cook a nice meal that they all eat as a family at the dinner table. Not at the TV. But Mary’s gotta be Mary. We can’t lecture her like a little two-year-old and tell her how to eat right. Maybe she’s one of those who intend to live it up and who believes in having fewer better years, rather than more tougher ones where you deprive yourself of stuff you love. Some people are like that to the extreme, some are like me where they’re half into being health-conscious, half not. Some are health freaks.

To start off with some sad news - Ziggy died. She was gone when I got up at 11:00 this morning. I knew yesterday afternoon that she was on her way out. I’m glad she went as fast as she did cuz with guinea pigs, it takes several days. She was my favorite mouse and sometimes I wish rodents lived as long as cats and dogs, but as Tom pointed out, that may make it all the harder. Tom buried her out back by the palm tree in the corner of the yard by the pool. There sure are a lot of animals out there. Two guinea pigs, two mice, a rabbit, a hamster, and a cat.

In better news, last night I got a great idea to pose Bailey holding a Barbie doll, so it looks like I’m gonna have a few Barbies after all. Up until last night, I didn’t think I’d ever get Barbies since they’re only 11½ inches long, but I like the idea of letting Bailey hold her at some point, and their outfits are just too nice to resist. But I’ve got a different idea of what’s collector’s Barbies and what’s not. Most adults collecting Barbies are getting ones that cost $40 and up and usually have their hair up in a bun of some kind or a French twist and gowns a lot like what the porcelain dolls wear. My brand of collector’s Barbies has really long hair that isn’t piled up in some form or another and that wears shorter, more colorful dresses, and costs only $10-$20. Also, I don’t leave her displayed in a box like most Barbie collectors do.

Barbies used to be basically white with blond hair, but then they got politically correct and made a variety of colors. I want to get a black Barbie too, and one of these days, probably after we move, I want to go to a regular toy store just to see what’s there, cuz I’m gonna have my own set of rules and decide what I think is a collectible doll for my collection. If I see a really nice doll, I’ll still get it even if it’s dirt cheap and made of vinyl.

Anyway, they had about ten different Barbies at the store. If I remember right, they were all blondes. One had colorful hair, but as much as I like colors and it would’ve been different, I just didn’t really dig it or its outfit. Barbies may have better outfits, but not every single one of them. There were a couple with pink dresses, but one had these tacky jewels on it, and they both had shorter hair that was about to the waist. This Barbie that I got has blond, straight hair almost to the knees. Her dress isn’t pink or mainly pink, but it’s beautiful nonetheless and shorter than any other doll’s dress that I have. It comes to the middle of the thighs and it’s got several different colors. Mainly purple. It’s short-sleeved and snakeskin-like. You can see the shiny scales. It’s got horizontal stripes of white, purple, red, pink, orange, and yellow. She had purple boots which I didn’t like, so I took them off. She has purple earrings and a purple ring. Since Barbie’s fingers aren’t separated, it’s kind of stapled on. More like an earring is put on.

She came with stud-like decorations in a cute little clear plastic case with flower, heart, and butterfly designs on it. That’s why the hair’s so long. To decorate it with beads of letters and jewels in four different colors - pink, blue, yellow and orange. I think this would look tacky, though, so maybe I’ll wait till I have a doll with a suitable dress to use them on. It comes with a thing that looks like a paper puncher that squeezes them together since little kids’ hands aren’t that strong, but I can use my hands with them. They go on like earrings.

I’ve got Barbie standing in the living room on the rack that holds the Nintendo games for now. I want to let Bailey sit with the little wolf for a while first.

When I realized that that’d make three dolls with long straight hair with bangs between Bailey, Barbie and Anne, I decided to give Anne a change for more variety. I didn’t have anyone with just one braid, but now I do. At first, I did the braid straight down the back which I wanted to pull in front so you could see it better, but it wouldn’t quite go. It was too stiff. So I braided it sort of off to the side so it’d go around the front better. I think I got it looking like a braid that’s pulled in front, rather than a side braid. I put a blue hair bubble in it since she’s wearing blue and no one else has a hair bubble. I’m building up my variety.

Bailey, Summer Dream, and Patrice look the most realistic. Out of my porcelains, Anne has the most colorful face. She has the brightest lips and eyes. Patrice and Barbie are about the same - 12” long, but Patrice is shaped and proportioned more realistically.

Been getting a lot of mail from Ashton Drake. They’re sending ads for dolls they have pictured in their catalog. A bigger picture of these dolls with more details about them.

Later...

Just cooked some ground beef and added sloppy Joe sauce to it for Tom for when he gets up at 11:00.

Today’s the first day in weeks where I’m stuck. This is typical PMS, though. I knew my period, which is starting now, would be late cuz of how easy my PMS was going. A few days ago, it got bad, though. My back’s killing me, I’m super bloated, and my tits are really sore. I’m not gonna get any real relief for a few days, though, cuz of course, I’ve got to spot for 3-4 days first. Can’t I just go back to getting my period normally? God, what a pain playing this spot game! I can’t wait for menopause.

My weight’s not doing too well. Part of it is cuz of water retention, but I also ate too much these last few days. I’m trying to back off the calories and get back to around 108-109 pounds. I’ve been 110-111.

Tom insists I’ve got a better body now than when we met. I’m glad one of us thinks so.

I was wrong in saying the smallest vibrator couldn’t get me off, cuz it did. I also further checked out the thing I’ve got that’s supposed to simulate sucking and it didn’t feel too bad at all.

We were gonna screw around Monday, but I just couldn’t get into it. We finally talked about my lack of appetite and all that. He took it well. I was afraid he’d take it personally and think that I love him any less cuz of it. I love him more and more every day. I’m just bored with the sex. I told him I wondered if it was due to my not wanting a kid anymore, or cuz of its predictability, and he said he’d think about some ideas to help. He seemed confident and not worried at all about it, which helped to relax me, although I myself wasn’t overly worried cuz Tom’s sexually tolerant. If we couldn’t screw for a year, he’d handle it just fine.

The next day he told me he had a possible solution, which is going back to basics. Meaning that we don’t need to change the sex (not that we could or he would be willing to, which is fine cuz our sex is fine as it is) but we need to be more physical with each other. Go back-to-back rubs and stuff like that. That sounds like it may be a great idea. I guess all couples need to do this every now and then. I used to think that only couples who were falling out of love needed to do this, but I see I was wrong. I’m not sick of him. I’m just sick of the sex. Better that, though than of him.

Evie got a full-time job at a daycare center. Great. I’m happy for her. I know she wanted to get the hell out of the house and make extra cash.

Porky decided to stay home last night, I guess, unless he went climbing around on the top and outside sides of the cage and I didn’t know it. He’s such a cutie. He’s not quite all brown. I describe him as having a chocolate body with vanilla feet and a tail tipped with vanilla. Yes, he has white feet and a touch of lightness on the tip of his tail.

I really hope we can look for land during his vacation and get out of here before June’s out! Of course, we’re gonna have to lie a little to anyone that we show the house to if they ask about noise. It’s quiet most of the time as far as music and people go, but not dogs. At night it’s usually OK dog-wise, but if they hear the collies, and they probably will, and ask if they bark much, no will be our answer. If they ask about the neighbors, we don’t know them. I’m certainly not gonna tell them, “Well the city bum next door’s a real sick bitch and God help you if the boyfriend moves back in, cuz if he doesn’t pummel these walls with his bass, he’ll do it with his car doors. He’ll slam them over and over again several times a day that you’ll think something was thrown up against the house. In fact, they’re both so rude and selfish what with the way they harassed me, that I had to complain to the city to shut them up.”

Another thing I noticed about the houses in Arizona is that their driveways can also fit two cars parked in them, but bumper to bumper. Not side by side like the driveways in New England. Guess that’s just part of how obsessed they were with getting these houses so close. Anything to save room width-wise to jam the houses together almost like teeth.

Later...

The renters were a little bit of a problem Monday night, but not too much for too long. It’s still nice to know they’re across the street and not next door. I’ve seen two women, a guy, a teenage girl, and a little girl, associated with that house. However, I don’t know how many people live there. There’s usually a red car and a white car there.

Remember how I said the guy played music for a while when he was working on the white car? It was nothing compared to what I used to get regularly from the freeloaders, but it was annoying enough. I got the same thing from the guy with the white car Monday evening, a little louder, for about five minutes. This time, though, I looked out at the guy, and with it being dark, he saw me. Hopefully, his seeing me sent the proper message to him, but time will tell. That’s what they want, though. They want you to notice them. That’s the purpose of owning one of these stereos. So others hear it.

That I know of, there’s been no music since, but I don’t have a bad vibe from these people. I mean, maybe once in a while I’ll hear their music, but I don’t see it ever becoming like the freeloaders. If I hear them as much as a few times a week, though, I’m not gonna bother complaining to them. First of all, it won’t do me any good. Secondly, we’re out of here soon enough. They’d have to play it loud enough to be heard over the fan and wake me up before I’d make them shut up for sure, do it real loud many times a day like the cock did, or for long periods of time. Meanwhile, a few minutes a week won’t kill me.

They’re so fucking weird, though. Both cars, but especially the white one, are in and out several times a day. Who knows when they work? I saw some weird shit yesterday, too. A woman I’ve never seen before loaded the back of the white car up with God knows what. I saw her make two trips. She seemed to have a long bag of some kind on the first trip, and a big empty red pail or basket on the second trip. Then she got into the car, started the engine, but sat there for about five minutes before pulling out. I thought I saw her swaying as if music was playing, but I couldn’t hear anything. Then a few hours later, she returned in a whole different car that I’d only seen that one time.

In the late afternoon, the white car was parked on the street with something pretty indescribable hitched to it. It was like a long, rectangular cart. It was about ten feet long and three feet deep.

In freeloader news, that’s another weird topic, cuz I’m totally lost on what the latest routine is. Usually, it’s pretty obvious, but now, I don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. It used to be obvious enough who’d pick up the bitch and bring her back, but now I don’t know.

The cock, who would sometimes visit with some other dude, are the same guys that went from the cranberry car to the silver car. At least I think they are. Guess the cock felt it was time for some car changes and that maybe explains why I haven’t seen the dark gray car he’s had for a while.

Anyway, Bill left at the usual time of 4:30, but did he leave the mistake at home alone till the two guys pulled in in the silver car a few minutes later? And did these guys pull in with the bitch? Anyway, the silver car played music today, but it was very soft. Totally acceptable. I saw a guy holding the mistake by the driver’s door when I glanced out and thought the guy had just gotten out of the driver’s seat and taken the mistake out of the back and into the house, but obviously, it was someone else and the driver never left his seat. I don’t remember who the guy with the mistake was, but the bald passenger, which I think is the cock, came to the passenger side of the car, took out something that looked like a black cloth briefcase, then went into the house. Then it came back, hopped in the passenger seat, and off they went. The bitch must’ve slipped out of the car before I noticed them, but why are they leaving the kid alone like that? Well, these people are sick, after all. It’s something they’d do.

Later...

The sales calls had backed off cuz I took a day out to tell them all to fuck off, but this evening, they started picking up again. I don’t want sales calls distracting the hell out of us during his vacation. His vacation is at risk as it is, with God making sure things come up to fill his time up with things we’d rather not fill up his vacation time with. The fucking calls are so distracting as it is in the evenings when I’m trying to write or read.

Anyway, I thought I’d put some effort into backing them off for the vacation, not that they won’t happily harass us again soon afterward if I can manage to back them off throughout the vacation. A guy called from someplace offering bullshit vacation deals and I told him to fuck off. I knew, though, that he’d call right back. I could tell by the tone of his voice and just my good judgment of character, that he’d try calling back for the last word. I threatened him too, and a male’s ego feels threatened when challenged physically by a female, so he called back twice, but as soon as it rang and I saw it was him, I quickly picked up the receiver and placed it right back down again. I’m sure he’s only given up just for tonight, though.

I know God is doing this to me for all the people I harassed via phone, but what about the music? Were the freeloaders to pay me back for people I’d bother in apartments with my stereo? I guess I must’ve bothered more people than I realized with my music.

I started a book called Nightmare’s Child, so I think I’ll do some reading now.

I’m going to finish the book Visions of Terror, but first, I’m gonna update some stuff.

I didn’t get into my chat with Andy yet. Well, when I first called, he was doing one of his favorite things - eating. So he called me back when he was done, and we chatted about the usual.

I was right, Andy’s not going back east. The reasons he told me about his decision to stay here, were the exact reasons I figured he’d stay here for and that I recently wrote about. He said he feels too much at home here, doesn’t want to give up his house or this weather, and wants a relationship with a kid who smokes pot and cigarettes. What kind of maturity and stability can he get from an 18-year-old pothead, though? Doesn’t he feel he deserves better than some doped-up, immature kid?

He also said he lectured Barbara Nicks for standing him up. He was to meet her at her house to give her a Stevie demo, but Barb kept making excuses. Andy keeps insisting they’re friends, but it’s obvious to me that she’s not a true friend and she doesn’t want him at the house, even though he’s been there once before (but they talked outside). Anyway, he lectured her about her not leveling with him. I agree that she should just come out and admit it if she doesn’t want him at the house, but he can’t make her be or do something she doesn’t want to be or do.

He’s living alone now, still not interested in working full-time, and yet he’s all paid up on his bills and rent till March. When I asked him how he managed to do this on just a few hours of work a week, his answer was, “Something you wouldn’t approve of.” I knew right then and there that he was dealing. Yeah, he’s selling weed. Only to people he knows, but still, I hope he doesn’t get caught. I don’t think he will, though, cuz Andy’s always been super lucky at getting away with things. Remember? He’d make just as many, maybe more, prank calls, yet who was the one to get trapped over and over and over again? Anyway, he’s doing this to supplement his income and he says that throughout 1999 he’s basically gonna be a bum and keep living as he has been. Does this mean that at the turn of the century, he’ll seek out a full-time position that he won’t set himself up to be fired at? Even get a man and not a boy? Someone clean? If he wants someone clean, though, he’s gonna have to clean up himself. You know how it is, druggies want druggies, non-druggies want non-druggies.

My nose is all scabbed up cuz of the allergy attack I had the other day. My lungs are back to being tight again regularly. Especially at the end of my day. Tom says it’ll improve once we move. God, I hope so! I feel like I’m gonna be like this every day for the rest of my life.

I got sick of doing subject indexes, so I decided to take a break from that for a while. It was more work than fun. I saved what I began this year, the last few months of last year, and 1987-1990.

Fortunately, I’m not sore today. My teeth are usually sore 3-4 days after seeing Melanie. She put a wedge in where that one really crooked tooth is on the bottom to rotate it. So, till I see her again, I should just have random soreness. Usually, you go for a while without feeling much soreness anywhere, then you get a sore tooth. This means it’s getting ready to move. Then another tooth gets sore and it moves, etc.

It’s really weird when Melanie takes the bands off when she goes to change them (the bands are what do the pulling). When she takes them off, my teeth feel like they’re being pushed in the opposite direction, when in truth, they’re not being pushed at all without those bands.

Today I dusted and vacuumed the bedrooms and the living room. I cleaned the bathroom and wiped down the stove. Tomorrow, I’ll do the microwave and the countertops, but I don’t think I’ll bother with cleaning the refrigerator and the oven till we move. Same with the tub.

I didn’t change Velvet’s cage yet, but I changed part of the rats’. I washed down their shelves which were loaded with piss and shit and which stunk like hell. I didn’t change the sawdust in the bass of the cage yet, but I will soon.

It seems Porky, the little shit, has taken to squeezing through the bars of the cage and walking around on top of it. When I yelled at him he went back inside, so hopefully he won’t be an escape problem. I don’t feel like he will be, but we’ll see.

Once again, Ziggy doesn’t look too good. She is getting old.

I changed the mice’s setup by omitting the aquariums. Seven mice don’t need all the space they had, and this really gives me a break till we get a dishwasher. It’s cute and cozy and kind of neat for a change. Right now, they just have the biggest and the smallest of the three Play City cages, and the maze.

I loaded up the mice’s aquariums with their cute, colorful toys. Their accessories and all that stuff. I put all the T-tubes and straight tubes in the middle-sized Play City cage, and the curves in a box. So they’ll be organized and packed for when we move.

I’ll leave this strictly up to Tom, but as much as I love Velvet’s cage he built, I think we should just use it while we’re here. I think Velvet should be in Ratsy’s old aquarium when we move. That’s all he needs, cuz he doesn’t do anything. As big as he is, he just sits there, so he doesn’t need extra room. I’d have to change it more often, but it’d be worth it.

I called and asked Mom what she’d recommend as far as dusting my dolls are concerned. She agreed with me that because feather dusters are best on hard surfaces only, and since I can’t take a wet rag to their hair and clothes, I’d be best off taking them outside and shaking the dust out of their hair and clothes, so that’s what I did.

I put some of the dolls back in different places/poses.

I really wish I not only had more dolls Bailey’s size but as poseable as she is, too. That’s the difference, once again, between a $300 doll and a $50 doll. I had Bailey sitting on one of the living room stereo speakers, but now I’ve got her sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, leaning against it. She has one hand sort of on her knee, and the other on a stuffed wolf dog I’ve had for a while. She looks so natural. She’s so well-proportioned, unlike some of my other dolls. Maria’s knees are kind of low and her feet are too small if you ask me, but I still love Maria and am glad I got her. There are so many different poses I could set Bailey up in, though. I had her lying down on the footstool with her hair hanging off the side, reaching upward as if to be picked up. This looked so cute, but I can’t leave her there and there’s really no other place in this house to pose her like that. She’s still sitting next to Maria and they’re such a great contrast to each other. Bailey’s dressed so casually in her little sleeper, while Maria’s all decked out in her fancy, shiny satin outfit with her sparkling fan and veil. It’s too bad Bailey’s wrists and elbows don’t bend too. Then she’d really be poseable.

I cannot believe how quiet the weekend was. Not one car door, person, ball bounce - nothing. The lights did go off when I checked at just after 9:00, so the bitch was there, and Bill’s here today as usual.

A silver car pulled up briefly just after I returned from Mel’s. As with the cranberry car driven by two guys, the driver, whom I couldn’t see, stayed in the car. I never saw who the passenger was either, cuz I didn’t actually see the car come or go.

Last night, at around 8:00, I was sitting at the computer when I heard a bark. I could tell it was close by and I’m thinking, Shit! She did it. The bitch actually went and got herself another dog for me to listen to, but I’ll just call and have the city kindly remove it. Then it hit me - why didn’t I sense it coming? I didn’t sense it, and changes among neighbors are one of my hot spots. So, I went out back and heard it again. I couldn’t tell for sure where it was coming from but was beginning to think it wasn’t quite loud enough to be just three feet away. So I got it going by slamming the recycle bin cover over and over again to get a sense of direction. It was then that I realized the old man replaced his dog, and I knew he would, too. So, that’s why it was sort of close, but nowhere near close enough to be next door. This dog shouldn’t be a problem cuz it doesn’t have a shrilly bark and we’ve got a garage and a street between us. Also, that’s the only time I’ve heard it bark, so for me to only hear that much over a 24-hour period tells me it’s not a big barker. It’s nothing like the dog the freeloaders had, and certainly nothing like the collies.

Went to see Melanie today and it was much easier than the last time. Maybe that’s cuz I took four ibuprofen pills an hour before seeing her.

She said my hair looked cute. I had thrown it up in a banana clip. She also noticed my nails, but as I told her, I plan to rip them off and be done with them since they’re such a pain. I asked her how she dealt with hers and she said she’s had them for so long.

I told her I was amazed at how fast my teeth were moving. The bottom teeth were so crooked that they overlapped. Well, now they don’t and they’re all straight except for one tooth.

The doctor came in and checked my bite and agreed that these teeth are flying. I asked how much longer on both the top and bottom braces, and he started teasing me by saying, “Well, the millennium…” Mel and I laughed. The bad news is that the top braces can’t come off till around July. I thought they were coming off in March. The good news is that the bottom braces will come off in July too. I thought they wouldn’t be off till December. He said something about using the braces as a retainer, but we’ll see. It’s cool that I get to get both the top and bottom off at the same time.

Just called Tammy to say hi, but she wasn’t home. Lisa answered, but was busy on the other line so I happily let her go, cuz I’ve had enough of the phone for one day cuz I talked with Andy for what seemed like ten hours. At least Lisa’s doing well. She sounded well enough anyway and said all was OK.

I’m still contemplating mailing Dureen, Art, and Larry certain journal excerpts just for the hell of it, but we’ll see. I still have plenty of time to decide this. If I’m gonna do it, though, I’m not gonna bother to involve Tom by telling him about it, and I won’t do it, if I do it, till we’re no longer at this number and address.

We didn’t get to screw around yesterday, but this time it was cuz of me. My allergies were going off like a son of a bitch, so Tom and I will get together after he gets up, which should be anytime now.

As I jokingly, yet sarcastically told him the other day - it’s pretty funny how the guy who claimed to get off most of the time now gets off very rarely since he’s been confronted.

Tom’s right. These renters across the street are weird. Really weird. They had some furniture and some paintings and stuff like that scattered about their front yard today as we were leaving for Melanie’s. Shortly after returning, the stuff was gone. We thought they were maybe setting up for a yard sale, as odd of a time as it’d be for that, but who knows what the fuck they were doing? Re-carpeting maybe?

There’s this afternoon barker that’s been rather annoying, so during the peak afternoon hours, I keep the fan on. I think it’s coming from one of the houses across the street, but I can’t tell which one. It’s not quite loud enough to be directly across the street, but I don’t think it’s in the old man’s yard.

That silver car showed up next door again and I could see what appeared to be the same two guys that were in the cranberry car. This time, though, one of them wasn’t just dropped off to run into the house and back out again, it was dropped off to stay. It had a red cap on backward. Was it the cock? That kid I spoke to on Tizzy Fit Day?

I called Andy since it’s been a while since we chatted.