Welcome weekday pig worries…

Not!

Still not sure what to think where they’re concerned, but trying not to worry. It’s just not easy when you have a dream where someone knocks on the door and you say to your husband, “That’s 3 times this week.”

But was it the pigs? Or was it just the Jes pest?

Anyway, I won’t let them get me. I won’t. Not unless they kick their way in here and physically drag me outa here. They seem to have forgotten me, but that may be what they want me to think. Months can go by before the pigs come at you again whether you deserve them to or not and I definitely haven’t done anything to deserve their attention. That’s part of what makes this a little scary. Imagine if I had actually done something.

I saw that Molly made a few posts from her local library and her mother even emailed Alison to say that she would be getting back the computer she took away from her for badmouthing people online and making threats and to let her know if she says anything she shouldn’t be saying.

She’s not appearing on my tracker, but the library may have their cookies turned off.

sighs They say a mother’s love is unconditional. Well, usually it is unless you’re someone like Casey Anthony. But not everything and anyone deserves to be loved unconditionally if you ask me. Especially those that are hopeless. I really, truly believe Molly is beyond hope. I don’t think any amount of time, therapy or medication can change her. I think she was born crazy and she always will be. What’s the point of even letting these kinds of people live in society? Shouldn’t they be locked up with their own kind in a controlled environment forever so the outside world can be a little safer? I’m glad the mother is finally waking up where her daughter is concerned and has quit making lame excuses for her despite an understandable desire to want to defend her own flesh and blood. But daughter or not, the kid (and I will call her that because she acts like a kid even though she’s 28) is fucked up. Hopefully, her eyes will open even further and she’ll see that there’s no changing anything and will not so much as give up on her but will get her into some kind of institution. Does the woman really want to spend the rest of her life babysitting the nutjob anyway?

Maliheh never picked up the Webshots postcard I sent her unless they failed to notify me that it was delivered. I’m sure she’s having a rough life now just like she says she is, but I still think she’s playing with me much like Nane was. You gotta go by what people do and not what they say. Actions really do speak louder than words.

I was “reminiscing” about Nane in one of my Facebook notes. Wonder if Irene or Christiane mentioned it to her? LOL

Rain, rain, don’t go away. Rain, rain, keep Jesse away:) It’s not gonna stop him from running and gunning his truck, but it will keep him off of at least 4 of his 50 other vehicles:)))

Later…

I’m reading a book called Trapped by Jack Kilborn. It’s a good story so far, though I’m only 22% through it, but am a little disturbed by the author’s description of those with ADHD. Well, I have ADHD and yes, we have memory retention issues at times and a short attention span, but to say we feel no empathy or remorse and that we blame everyone else for what happens to us is pure BS. I won’t take the blame for someone else’s mistake, but I know damn well when I’ve made a mistake myself and I don’t mind saying so. I’m only human. Humans fuck up. As for empathy or remorse, of course I’m not going to feel bad for you if you should fall and skin your knees after you did me wrong. And like most people out there, the more you’ve wronged me, the less I care what happens to you. But I would most definitely feel bad if I wronged or offended those I care about. No doubt about that. And I empathize greatly when my loved ones and good friends are suffering. I think that the inability to feel empathy and remorse is a personality thing; not an ADHD thing.

It also disturbs me to hear some people refer to gays and lesbians as a “lifestyle.” If there’s any “style” in gayhood then there’s just as much in straighthood. To hear it referred to as an “alternative lifestyle” really pisses me off. Where’s the “alternative” to being yourself?

While I try to have a “to each their own” attitude and let people have their own beliefs, it’s hard to believe those who say things happen for a reason. I once thought this myself and sometimes I still do, but in most cases, I’m not so sure anymore. Good people suffer for seemingly no reason whatsoever. There is simply NO justifiable, sensible or rational “reason” why some kids are beaten to death by their own parents.

Nothing in the way of oink, oink and no warrants either. While it makes sense for them to give up on me as long as I don’t go to their jurisdiction, it also doesn’t make sense that they would give up on me with a history with this black bitch. Pigs, lawyers and judges break laws all the time. If they’re frustrated enough by the jurisdiction thing and they really want to get at me, they’ll find a way. They’ll be sorry. But they’ll find a way. My logical side knows it’s just a scam but my PTSD side knows otherwise. No one’s after me despite all she did to me in the past.

I miss blogging. I don’t miss the troll but I miss blogging and seeing who comes around and what they have to say. I feel like that’s something the pigs, blacks and Molly have taken from me, but I’d rather miss it for a while than deal with any shit that may arise from it until and if I see just how obsessed Arizona may or may not become with me. It’s not uncommon to think you’ve heard the last from the pigs about whatever, then boom! There they are come to haunt you again. Two times I was bullshitted by the police about things being “over.” I’d rather not have to but oh how I will be haunting right back if they tangle with me again!

I thought I might’ve had some dream last night that had to do with Tom getting a raise, but the dream wasn’t clear enough for me to say for sure. That would be nice, but he’s one of their highest-paid employees as it is and that makes it less likely that they’d give him a raise so we’ll see.

I also dreamed we were living in a tiny, dumpy old two-bedroom house in the city. It’s nice that it was a real house, though I don’t like that it was in the city or the “fog” that the closets contained, but yeah, that was one of its quirks, LOL. Foggy closets that needed their doors kept open in the wintertime to keep the mildew and musty odors away.

Still wonder if we’ll make it out of here this year or not. Maybe they won’t lay him off but maybe we won’t be able to get into an adult community either. And maybe all we’ll be able to find in the country that we can afford are dumps similar to this one unless we want a bigger dump in a seedy section of the city or to live on another shared property, and we don’t. This selfish bitch wants everything to herself:) It isn’t that we couldn’t afford to pay over a grand in rent; it’s that we don’t want the place sucking every last dime out of us like the motels and the Maricopa house did. In the past, it used to be important to me to have extra money for fun stuff. Nowadays it’s important to me in case we fall upon hard times, something we got especially good at.

Something good was going on in the dream I had despite the shabbiness of the house itself, only Tom was being secretive about it. Like he wanted to find out more about it, and then surprise me with whatever it was.

We’re done with the rain we had for the next week or so, which means warmer temps and a noisier landlord who will now have more options with which to annoy me. Instead of just his truck, he can now choose between the Harley, the dirt bike, the bulldozer or the ATV. I really gotta wonder just how many feet we need to place between us and our nearest neighbor in order to not have to hear from them every day. At just a few feet I pretty much expected it, but if they’re still annoying me from over 100 feet, I wonder if 10 miles would even make a difference so long as they’re our neighbors. beats head

I’m so fucking pissed right now I could scream! I emailed Tom a copy of this really cute rodent picture Andy had on Formspring, but he said it wasn’t visible. So I went through my ‘sent’ folder and found that many pictures I’d enclosed in messages weren’t visible either. Strangely enough, most of the invisibles were sent to Maliheh. I asked Maliheh to let me know if she’s been noticing this too and how often but I don’t expect an answer. The poor girl’s got so much shit going on I rarely hear from her these days. We don’t need to go back to daily chats, but I keep hoping that things will slow down and get better on her end so we can chat at least once a week. But I may not get an answer and so I may not know what she’s seeing on her end of things. I just know that I checked those messages after I sent them and the pictures were perfectly visible then. Today they’re not.

Also, I made up a bunch of “stationery.” These are pictures I’d lay down in the bodies of the emails and save as drafts, but many of those are gone, too. Ugh, I’m just so pissed! I worked long and hard on all that stationery. Maybe I need to stop doing so much for others.

Sometimes I wonder if someone somewhere is fucking with me. I really do. So we installed a PW on my entire PC. No one can do anything on it anymore without entering that PW first.

Got lots of rain and I even heard the frogs for the first time this year.

Despite the fact that I’ve moved every few months to a few years since I was 20, I just don’t see us moving anytime soon, but I think I already mentioned that. If this is where we’re meant to be for many more years to come, fine. I’m used to living in tiny old dumps and there could be worse places to be stuck in. I just wish I knew for sure because I don’t want to think, try or aim for something that isn’t meant to be. Instead, I would want to start thinking about sprucing this place up and customizing it to suit our needs. I hate to spend money on someone else’s place and I hate living with Jesse, but if that’s what’s meant to be then it must be for a reason, right?

After saying he’d tone it down, Andy’s already back to posting porn on his Formspring wall after just a few days of decent, classy, sexy and cute pics. This is some really raunchy shit he posts too, that I can’t believe he hasn’t been kicked off the site altogether. But when you know that risk is there and that it grosses some people out but still can’t seem to stop, that should tell you something about yourself. This is classic pervie behavior. It’s so sad to see him this way but it’s true. He just can’t seem to stop with the lewd and disgusting talk and pictures, especially pictures. Classic, classic pervert behavior. He’s made it no secret that he’s attracted to youth. Most straight guys are too, and look how many of them are perverts, rapists and child molesters? Maybe he wasn’t so innocent after all in the case that landed him in jail and on probation. The guy involved was only 22. Better than 18 which is better than 14. But still, he was almost forced to register as a sex offender and he acts like one, too. Only difference is this one’s deprived and not getting nearly as much sex as he wants because he’s after guys and not girls. Most people are still straight and sometimes girls are easier to lure because of it.

Die Hündin has her wall public and posted the same link to a German weather site about Hurricane Katrina to both the public as well as to friends of friends. What did she do that for? If your wall is public then why submit the same thing for friends of friends? I’m a friend of some of her friends yet nothing appears in the news feed. Maybe it’s not supposed to? Oh well. Who could ever figure out a woman like Marion Nane L?

I still miss Nane at times. Although I’m over most of the hurt and anger at being dumped when I could’ve used a friend the most (not that I didn’t have others who cared), and although I shouldn’t, I’m sure I’d be dumb enough to welcome her back into my life with open arms if she’d only reach out to me. LOL, even if she’d just end up dumping me the next time the shit hit the fan in my life, but that’s just how some people are. They’re there when you’re up and they run when you’re down. But I mean no disrespect to any of Nane’s friends that may read this and I still wish Nane the very best in life. I hope she hasn’t been dumped by Jim. It’s just that Karma has a way of biting us in the ass when we least expect it.

I’ve developed this gross nail fungus in my nails. It’s mostly in my toes, but I have a combination of thin nails, thick nails, discoloration, lifting, bending, etc. They all have sort of a milky white tint to them and hopefully, the stuff I bought will clear up the cloudiness and other uglies in a few weeks. Tom thinks it’s because of the long-term use of too much nail polish. If that’s so since I doubt it’s a sign of a deadly disease since I’m being sent to Florida so often in my dreams, I wish I could lose interest altogether in nail polish. Maybe if I come back a man or a butch in the next life I won’t have a damn bit of interest in the stuff. But in this life, muscular or not, I’m all fem – heels, flashy jewelry, dresses, perfume, nail polish and makeup. Not as much makeup, though, as when I was younger. I don’t think makeup looks as good on older people, and especially not the elderly. It makes them look clownish in a ghoulish sort of way.

Tom tells me I’m not fat, yes he will be a permanent employee someday, and yes, we will be insured (for less than $40 a week) before we’re old. Not sure I believe him on the first two. I still need a dentist, I still need a doctor who specializes in congenital atresia, and I might have to see a doctor for a prescription if I can’t clear this nail thing up on my own.

Except for just a couple of days over the last two weeks, my ear has been much better. I don’t expect it to last, though. The rain seems to be stirring it up as it is. We got some rain yesterday but today we’re really getting slammed. It’s really sheeting down hard against the windows so much so that if they were open we’d be soaked in here. I had hoped that Jesse would stay in tonight so I could enjoy the sounds of the rain and the wind chimes instead of barking and I got my way with that one at least for tonight. I threw on the dehumidifier for a while since I’ve now got wet clothes hanging on the inside lines.

It kind of sucks that I’m on nights now and not up to enjoy and take advantage of this rain making things quieter around here. Jesse still may run and gun that damn truck, but no one would be sawing or running around on ATVs, motorcycles or dirt bikes.

After spending the last 8 hours, cooking, cleaning and doing other odds and ends around the place, I’m going to waste time watching movies, reading, and neglecting my book. Well, after I do the grocery list I will.

I can waste time thinking and wondering, too. How about like why our moving to a retirement community this summer seems too “easy” and “too good to be true?” Oh, wait. Make that an adult community. Tom says a retirement community isn’t an appropriate thing to call them because that’s usually for those in need of assisted living.

But an 18-year-old is an “adult.”

Either way, moving to a – how about 55+ neighborhood? – seems sort of unrealish to me, like it ain’t gonna happen. I may be too young. Only one of you has to be 55 or up, but they like to keep their overall percentage of people at 55 and up, so we still may not be able to get in even if we can save up enough money, he’s still working, and they don’t mind taking us even though he’s just a temp. Maybe we could get around letting them know he’s just a temp, but hopefully they’ll understand that so are most people in Califuckedup. It would be just our shit luck that my age would be an issue since we’re not very good at getting what we want and our plans rarely go through. sighs Why do I have to be in my 40s? I want to be in my 50s right now! We could remain in the country, but it’s not only very hard to find a place on a piece of land that doesn’t have landlords or other tenants on it, but they’re usually over a grand a month in rent.

No Florida dreamin’ last night. Instead, I flew over a giant water slide and got it on with someone but I don’t know who. I don’t even know if it was a man or a woman, LOL.

It’s been almost two weeks since I heard from the pigs, real or not. Is it because they’re giving up on me or because they have something more sinister planned for me? Tom thinks that if I keep out of view they’ll let it die away. They better! There are no words in any language to describe what a big mistake it would be on their part if they messed with me. Some people really aren’t worth bothering with and I’m one of them. I just hope I won’t have to show them that. I have continued to pray them off every single day and by some miracle, something’s actually been listening to me so far.

We finally got some rain around here, though it hasn’t been much yet and it didn’t start till Jesse’s usually indoors anyway. I did hear him running around on the ATV for a few minutes, though, as the sun was setting. Oh well. I slept most of the day anyway.

I stood out on the porch at around 4pm waiting for Tom to come down the drive and breathing in that fresh mountain air. It was raining lightly at the time and the ground was barely saturated. It’s too cold here and it’s not as pretty as Florida but it’s still so peaceful and so beautiful when there’s no barking or loud vehicles running. Country living beats city life any day!

No scary meetings at work for Tom and no nightmares for me, so that’s good.

Been showered with all kinds of comments, hugs, kisses, and pictures from Irene, LOL. I guess she realizes that yes, Nane, whom she herself warned me about, and I are really done. Totally history. I don’t mind attention from her as opposed to some of the others on Facebook like Lori. Lori’s nice but the poor girl is so damn ugly. Not sure how with it she is either, but I don’t think she’s too far out in left field. Just ugly enough to shower me with even more attention. :(

Irene doesn’t get carried away and make me feel smothered or overwhelmed in any kind of way and she’s not bad looking. She’s one of those that’s ugly but she isn’t if that makes any sense. She probably attracts more women than men. She’s overweight and has short hair, but she has a pleasant face and a great personality. She seems to be very friendly and open-minded. I had to laugh that time she said she wondered if I were in love with Nane. No, not in love, but I definitely had feelings for her. I don’t know if Irene is bi like Nane, but that’s the impression I get based on some things she’s said.

The drama queen hasn’t been around much. Have I been making her nose bleed too hard or something? Molly had all kinds of aches, pains, nosebleeds, and illnesses when she was fucking with me and my friends and really pissing me the hell off, LOL. The drama queen hasn’t done anything lately, but that anger over the past still lingers. I think it always will to a degree.

Been thinking of shutting down my Yahoo account. Tom and I have been thinking of shutting down a few of our email accounts and we’ll decide what to get rid of this weekend. I use my mail.com addy occasionally and it’s not overwhelmed with spam yet, so I’ll probably keep that even though it’s a bitch to get into. But I never use my Gmail account anymore and the Yahoo account gets spammed to hell and back every day. I just can’t get it all to hit my spam box. Like I said, I really think someone used it to sign me up for all kinds of shit. The scammers are harder to get rid of than the spammers because they keep coming at me from different email addies that just won’t get filtered out. I’ve had the Ratgirl account for 12 years, though, so I’ll have to think about it. When I go back to sweeping in about a year or so I would want to use a whole new addy for it anyway. Rather than try to struggle to remember which sites I’m already registered at and update all my Robo passcards, it’s easier to just start anew with a fresh address even if it means re-registering for everything.

All but my mail.com addy has been hacked. My Gmail, Yahoo and a Hotmail account I once had 5 years ago were all hacked. The thing is that when I reported being unable to log into my Hotmail account they never even had the decency to respond let alone help me in any way. I never heard from MSN and never got that account back. Because of it, I don’t think I would want to bother with Hotmail, and Gmail’s not good either because Google has lousy security lately for some reason. I would probably create another Yahoo account if I was going to do anything at all.

Tom said to be sure I don’t go to the sites that have been signing me up for their newsletters and sign anyone up for them myself, pointing out that while he thinks it’s probably just spam, it could also be the pigs trying to bait me.

Yeah, I know that. Believe me, the pigs are the first to come to mind when anything suspicious happens, but I agree with him in that it’s most likely spam. The whole world has this email addy, thanks to my sweeping days and all the sites that sold my main email addy and the sites that were hacked like Sony and other big-name sites.

Later...

Made another book sale which is good, but still not able to get in the mood to work on my current book. When I’m not working around the house or working out, lately I’ve been watching movies, reading books, and writing in my journal. I’ve got to get off this lazy trend I’ve been on.

I keep telling myself I should also try to make at least $5 every weekday on MT to help ward off the next “poor” spell, but I can’t seem to do that either. Is it because he makes a lot of money and because I don’t like working so long for slave wages? Probably. But I also think I pretty much figure that fate is fate. If we’re meant to suffer again we will no matter what I do to try to prevent it or make it easier. But I am helping in other ways like by not overspending. I’m not very materialistic anyway these days and I haven’t been for a few years now. I get a few things here and there but nothing extravagant like I did for about a decade until around 2008.

Gotta wonder what it is with me at times, though, when half the time I gotta push myself to write stories even when I’ve got tons of ideas, yet I just can’t stop writing in my journal. Hope I’m not overwhelming my email recipients.

I have doubts that Tom will ever be a permanent employee anywhere and I have doubts about an adult community at times, too. Oh, I still hope to rent in one someday so I’ll know for sure what it’s like. But sometimes what I think will be the case ends up not being the case at all. We came to Cali thinking we would have better lives. We were wrong. Life is certainly getting better and in some ways, it’s finally better than it was in Oregon. We don’t have to pay utilities here other than propane. Tom doesn’t lose a buck an hour for insurance he’ll never use. The taxes aren’t nearly as high here. People get paid time and a half for every day they work overtime even if they haven’t worked 40 hours yet for that week. The climate is better. The area is quieter. But look how long it took for things to get this way and there’s no saying how much longer it will last.

Your average temp job is 3-5 months according to what I just read, and temps, which are used by 90% of the companies out there, are fast becoming the norm. The temp craze isn’t just about a shaky economy but also a great way to get out of having to pay benefits as well, just as I figured was the case. Few temps become permanent these days. Some people are temps at the same place for years.

Maybe Tom should think of skipping the temp companies and look for a permanent job on his own if he wants benefits we could afford and the vacation and holiday time he deserves. Especially if he’s still a temp past March. The only problem is - where do you find a permanent job in Cali??? And when are there going to be laws to protect temps or at least a means of giving them affordable insurance and at least some vacation time, especially if the healthcare thing falls through?

Having so many things not turn out to be as I expected or at least hoped they would be is what makes me have doubts and concerns about an adult community. I know without a doubt I would never want to return to the mainstream part of the city or any kind of attached living. Apartments and condos simply aren’t me. But what if adult communities aren’t as peaceful as I’m told they are? We also don’t want to be stuck in a tiny old trailer forever either, so as Tom said, we’ll just have to really do our homework if and when the time ever comes when the opportunity to do so is there. I really hope we get to live in a real house again someday with adequate space. I miss it so much!

I also have my doubts about ever again winning up a storm like I used to, psychic or not. I was 1 of 7K entrants to win the Caribbean cruise I won in 2006. Well, I didn’t enter for it but there’s this trip on Facebook where all you have to do to be entered is “like” them, a very common way to enter sweeps. But they have over 51K likes! :( That’s why I don’t think I can ever win like I once did. From 2005-2008 not nearly as many people entered sweeps or had FB accounts and not many sweeps were run through them. The whole world enters sweeps these days! sighs But all good things do come to an end.

Saw a movie that took place on a cruise ship and made me wish we were cruising again. Especially after learning that its toughest moments were nothing compared to semi-smooth days at the extended-stay motel. Swimming in what seemed like a wave pool due to the ship’s movements was so much fun. I also want to read and write on the private veranda we had where I’m safe from bees and spiders, LOL. I miss the ocean mist blowing on my face like when it was storming and we’d kind of hang over the railing. Hell, it was even fun waving goodbye to all the people too, when we disembarked from that Fort Lauderdale port, right where “the dream people” are hinting we might one day end up. As it is I don’t think we’re gonna make the Italy trip, something I have mixed emotions about. I still hate to travel. It’s a pain in the ass and when you have a sleep disorder, can’t take your sound machine with you, and wake up to every little sound, you tend to be dragging during the daytime. They also seem pretty hateful in Italy, too. On the flip side, the language is beautiful, I know enough of it to get by, and a change if only for a week might do us good. A week would be about all I could stand anyway. I don’t know how many other entrants I beat out on this trip; I only know I won it by accident. I wanted the runner-up’s $1200 necklace to sell on eBay.

When the treadmill breaks or we sell it like maybe for a lighter move to Florida, Ft. Lauderdale or not, I want an elliptical machine for sure. They were doing that on the cruise in the movie, too. I like how it doesn’t need electricity and there is no impact on the joints. Also, I didn’t realize this but I like the handles that you sort of pull back and forth while you’re using it sort of like you’re skiing. It would help work the arms even more. Or maybe after we get moved if it looks like we’re gonna stick around a while and we have the space and the treadmill stays alive, I’ll get it anyway. Both would be nice to have for variety, but it’s way in the future unless this thing does crap out anytime soon.

Irish homeowners now have the right to shoot intruders, so I just saw someone posted on Facebook.

But that’s the way it should have always been in every house, condo and apartment all over the world. Better later than never as far as doing what’s fair and what’s right, but I can tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’ll never allow any law to dictate how I can and can’t handle intruders. I’ll handle them my way no matter what any law says, and while I don’t have a gun, you can bet your ass I’m going to do all I can to kill them. Not scare them off, not hurt them, but kill them. Even so, I’d rather not have to do so in the first place.

Heard the usual slew of barks, chainsaws and loud vehicles, but nothing got to the point of making me want to strangle anyone even though I’m in the perfect PMS mood to do a little ass-kicking to anyone deserving of it.

Yesterday’s hunger pangs sucked. Why does my body need closer to 2000 calories and not the usual 1500 before periods??? I managed to stop myself at around 1600 yesterday but today I think I’ll just let it have the 2 million damn calories. I’ve already had 700 in the 4 hours I’ve been up and I’m still hungry. Maiale cazzo!

I’m pissed off for Andy now and the way some of these fucking cocks are playing with his head much like women used to do with me when I was last single and still sometimes do online. Really, what the fuck do some of these bitches expect when either in person or electronically they send me kisses, hugs, phone numbers that just might not be bogus, and then shower me with flirtatious words – for me not to think they like me? Some of them really didn’t but that was part of their sick, strange and totally unnecessary games. Unfortunately, this is quite common amongst both gays and straights. Not sure what the point is in making someone think you like them when you don’t or hiding the fact that you really do like them, but it’s still a common occurrence.

I had a dream I told some guy on the phone in German that I hoped Nane got into a car accident. I could never hate her that much to wish that upon her. I know she was attracted to me and had feelings for me. No doubt about that much. She spelled it out enough times for me. It was the up and down and going back and forth that got to me and had she not dumped me, sooner or later I’d have dumped her.

If someone who never claimed to like me one day fessed that they did or vice versa – fine. But don’t like me and dislike me and like me and dislike me and back and forth!

But Andy’s getting it worse than just some occasional online games because he is lonely, single and horny and doesn’t have a soul mate that loves him unconditionally when the online fun isn’t so fun anymore. I just wish, like he does, that they wouldn’t lead him on and play games. Like it was 20 years ago, sex is in, relationships are out. But must you say you’ll get together with someone you have absolutely no intentions whatsoever of getting together with? Really, what’s the point of that? It doesn’t make you money. It doesn’t guarantee you a longer life. So what’s the point???

At the same time, one can’t make be what simply isn’t to be. I hope that’s not the case for Andy, though, and that he just wasn’t meant to meet Mr. Right till later in life.

I’m also concerned about how perverted he’s become. Not that he’s literally any kind of pervert but all he seems to want to talk about is sex and it gets old. So do the disgustingly dirty pictures he loves to post. IMO these aren’t the least bit sexy or classy in any way. They’re perverted and gross. Why didn’t his appetite dwindle with age like most people’s?

I wonder if perhaps he’s coming on a bit too strong and that’s scaring people off. If people suspect you want a relationship and not just sex they tend to run. Same with if you come across as desperate and like you live, breathe and eat nothing but sex. Either way, that’s no excuse for their games. However, we can’t control other people’s feelings and behavior. We can make them not like us but we can’t make them like us. We can do things we think will make them happy and we can tell them jokes we think will make them laugh, but we can’t make them love us or lust for us. Maliheh wasn’t attracted to me 20 years ago. She isn’t now. And she never will be in another 20 years either. Give a sane hottie like her a brain tumor or disfigure their faces, then they’d be all over me and making me wish to hell they’d just go away and leave me the hell alone. There’s bad luck and then there are clear and evident patterns. I hate to say it. So much so that I’ll be sure to cut this part out of his journal copy, but I think he’s meant to spend the rest of his life alone. I just don’t know why. When I know why I wasn’t meant to be with a woman (not that I regret Tom) and when I know why we’re meant to struggle most of our lives, then maybe I’ll know why he’s meant to be alone.

Another troll-free day so far. She deleted all her Blogger blogs and her Thoughts blog and made one post apologizing for the things she said. Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts.

I went Florida dreaming again last night but it made no sense. I hope that just the fact that I dreamed of living there is what means something other than just wishful thinking because some of the details made no sense at all. For one, we were sitting on a tiny dock overlooking a man-made inlet. This dock was apparently ours and only ours but in reality, we could never afford to live on or by the ocean or any kind of an inlet like that where people have their own docks.

Also, Tom was saying that the last person he showed the house to (I assume in Cali) was this bitchy woman who complained about everything. I guess I wasn’t around when he showed the house. This is still another thing that doesn’t make sense. If we own a house it means we had enough money to buy it outright. Well, if we had that kind of money I doubt we’d buy a place in this state.

I just liked the fact that we were there:) I also like the record number of dreams I’ve been having about living there and that I hope isn’t just a reflection of wishful thinking. Do I think the dreams mean something? Yeah, I do. If I weren’t psychic and had never had experiences with things like dream premonitions, then I wouldn’t know what to think. But while I’d prefer the ones where I called my folks to tell them we made it safely across the country and nothing out of the ordinary happens, Florida dreamin’ is still Florida dreamin’ and – OMG, Ft. Lauderdale! I swear one of us mentioned Ft. Lauderdale!

Just looked on Google Maps. What a coincidence that it’s right above Miami. It’s closer to Miami than Naples where Aly said she might go, but there’s a road that shoots straight across the lower peninsula from Ft. Lauderdale to Naples.

Wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up in a Miami hotel while we looked into a Ft. Lauderdale senior rental?! Actually, it doesn’t really matter where in the state we end up if we get there. I just might not like it up by the panhandle where the weather may not be as nice or too far inland even though it’d be safer there.

Anyway, the best part of the last Florida dream was the sense of contentment I felt sitting on that dock. I sat Indian-style next to Tom who sat in a chair. There was a beautiful breeze and I marveled over the fact that I could throw on a bikini and go tanning if I wanted to even though it was the dead of winter and Miss Pale As Hell was never very good at tanning.

In another split-second scene, I was standing in front of what I guess was where we lived. I can’t describe the house I “saw” but the walkway seemed to have many flowering bushes flanking it. I was relieved to know the sun was setting so the bees hovering about them would soon fuck off.

I would really like to know who’s been signing me up for every newsletter in the world. Just last night I got a message from some company saying, “Welcome to so and so,” as if I’d just signed up.

Still no shit from the haters, pigs or anything connected to them and I hope it stays that way. I realized, for whatever it’s worth, that regardless of what they did to set me up and make me look bad enough for a “case,” there are two things they had last time that they don’t have this time – no phone call, no physical evidence.

Later…

Ever had an idea that’s so good but also so bad at the same time? Well, there’s this scummy trailer park not far from here. We’ll never have 100K to buy a house with, but I bet it wouldn’t take nearly as much to buy an old shit trailer (maybe even smaller and dumpier than this one) and buy a lot in one of these dumpy parks. Maybe 10-20 grand? Where it would be so good and so bad is that it would be good in that it would be ours to do as we pleased when we wanted to without having to have our schedules revolve around some pesky landlord. It would also be good in that we wouldn’t have any payments to have to make if we owned it outright, other than for utilities.

Where it would be bad is that I’d be absolutely miserable in some “cheap” trailer park. The noise levels would be so insane to the point that it made the noisiest moments here seem rather comatose. I would never be able to get any peace while I was awake and I doubt I’d get much sleep there either. Oh, the welfare bums that would be crammed like sardines into the place! We would also still be cramped into a tiny place, one that may even be smaller and older than this one, and we’d have to pay to fix whatever broke.

Tom had quite a scare at work yesterday. They called a bunch of people in for a meeting, and although I haven’t had any nightmares of a particular kind – the kind that spells trouble ahead for us – he thought they were gonna be told that they lost their contract and that they would all be laid off. Instead, it was just about changing bosses. I guess they shuffled them around from certain areas or something like that. Tom now works in two different departments. We just gotta hope they don’t slow down before the next 4-5 weeks or so! Not being able to move would be one thing, but not being able to get unemployment if they do lay him off is another.

Obviously, he’s never going to get a permanent job as long as we remain in this state. It’s all temps here. If you can come to Cali and get a permanent job, something up there really loves you! But as I told Andy, if those Florida dreams mean anything, then we’re moving there anywhere from soon to 11 years when he retires. However, I can’t believe I’d start having these dreams 11 years in advance. I would think we’d be 5 years or less away from moving there if we really do end up doing that.

Yesterday I didn’t sleep any better than I would have had I been in that dumpy trailer park, a motel or some of the apartments I’ve lived in. I kept waking up every few minutes, it seemed, but I never sleep as well in the daytime anyway. On the positive side, the less I’m up during the day, the less I hear of Jesse.

Today’s been pretty quiet. The car was still at the end of the drive, so we saw last weekend when we went out to eat, so I don’t know if it’s been sold yet.

I’m still sluggish with PMS fatigue and filled with enough water to shame the Sacramento River, but I’m doing what I gotta do. I just gotta really push myself to get things done.

I did some cleaning and a light workout but am continuing to laze out of working on my book. Part of that is due to staying up later and later when it’s peaceful enough to watch movies without arf, arf, arf! Like I said before, I can’t watch movies with sound machines, but I can write with them.

When I got up I was surprised to see the troll hadn’t been looking for me for over 14 hours. Then Alison messaged me to say she was surprised as well with a pleasant response to her message to the troll’s mother. Mrs. M said she was sorry and that she would no longer be bothering her or her friends and to let her know if she does.

That’s great that she’s finally acknowledged her daughter’s problem, and as Aly said, if she can help keep Molly away from us, great. But how long will it last? How long? She’ll be back. She’ll be back sooner or later and we both know it. All we can do is enjoy whatever time off she gives us.

Made up a bunch of cat drafts for Maliheh. She loves cats, so I send a picture of one with my messages and journals. I’ve got 180 drafts, though about 10 of them are for Andy. Where Maliheh’s into cats, Andy’s into porn, but I’m afraid to send any dirty pics. I tried sending one of these two naked guys running down the street, but he said he couldn’t see it. When I checked my ‘sent’ folder it appeared as just a tiny gray square making me think someone’s watching and taking it upon themselves to censor my fucking messages, so I’m not going to bother. He’ll just get a mix of random pics instead, but 100s of cats are waiting to help read my journal to Maliheh:)

Wow, it’s after 4pm and still no hubby. Could the guy be back to OT?

The food subsidy people told us what we figured they’d tell us since he made $3200 last month; to buzz off. I don’t think it will be that much this month cuz things are a little slower, but it should still exceed their qualifications.

Tom just got home. No OT. Just a car fire that slowed traffic down instead, but work should be picking up next week.

Between PMS, cold weather, hours of barking and living in what’s generally an unfair world that no one seems to even want to try to fix, I’ve got a lot of anger in me right now.

I was right in predicting Molly’s behavior which is rapidly spiraling out of control, and I don’t have to be psychic or have a psychology degree to know it’s only going to get worse till she actually does do something like kill her parents in her sleep like she’s written twice in her blog about wanting to do. It’s not her threatening her parents that pisses me off. I don’t give a shit about her parents. Her parents are nothing but enablers who won’t wake the hell up and smell the coffee where their crazy daughter is concerned. In fact, I wish she would hurt them because that’s probably what it will take to finally get this nut in a controlled environment so she can no longer stalk and harass people she’s obsessed with online.

It’s the fact that she’s been making more and more threats and getting away with it that pisses me the fuck off. I’m SICK of seeing so many people get away with threatening and harming others while those that do get in trouble have done little to nothing at all! That’s what pisses me off.

“She’s crazy,” Tom tried to reassure me, “and she is paying. Legally isn’t the only way to make someone pay for something. She’s miserable all the time and she has a miserable life.”

That may be so, but that’s not good enough for me. It’s just not good enough. I want to see her arrested and dragged through the mud and not left to continue getting away with the very same thing I was accused of and had to have my life turned upside down for. She’s sitting there threatening people at will and no one’s doing a damn thing about it! How fucked up is that?!

I couldn’t figure out why I was so sluggish all day till I realized my period is less than a week away. So my hunger levels are up and my energy levels are down.

Jesse was out all day so I got barking instead of loud motors to have to listen to, but there is some good news. Alison is cancer-free! Yes!

The temps have really taken a nosedive and we’re making up for lost time, you could say. It got into the low 20s last night! That’s super cold for this area. Tonight it’s to get down to 24º. wishes she’d moved to Florida The rain’s been bumped up a day from Wednesday to Thursday.

I’m just glad no one came to the door or emailed me in regards to the freeloaders. This helps ease some of my anger over life’s injustices in general. I’d rather be pissed at watching others get away with shit than see myself made to pay for nothing. I’ve been wonderfully relaxed, too. I can’t believe I was practically shitting bricks over the prospect of Molly’s mom coming after me but am oh so calm where the crazies, who have already screwed me over, are concerned. Maybe that’s because I resigned myself to the fact that hey, I am not going to have my life ruined simply because I may’ve hurt someone’s precious little feelings or offended someone who wasn’t forced to read my stuff, by simply expressing my opinion. When I think about the Mexican pig’s words – a case has been against you – I’m like yeah, yeah, play this game by yourselves this time. I did NOTHING wrong.

Never with me, never with them.

“Look towards your right,” Tom said as we eased onto the freeway earlier today. “Remember that?”

“Yes,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. I was surprised at the unexpected surge of bad memories that arose from seeing the old storage place, among a few other similar sites in the city. For a few seconds, I could see right where we’d park when getting or bringing things to store. I remembered how in my moment of desperate panic and despair when I thought we weren’t going to make it, I contemplated smashing our stuff, particularly the collectibles, because I didn’t want anyone to profit from our deaths. Even the old oak tree I fell asleep under for 45 minutes during that 36-hour stint of homelessness still had a sad, tired look about it.

I tore my eyes from the grim reminders before they swept out of view as we curved around and onto the freeway and looked through the windshield straight ahead of me. I reminded myself that we didn’t have to return to a Walmart parking lot or a seedy motel in Sacramento’s Northgate area and that we could retreat to our safe and mostly peaceful little retreat in the woods where our expenses are much lower than they were in the fall of 2007. A smile of relief and contentment crossed my face.

Why am I such a wimp, though, compared to Tom? He is so strong compared to his sometimes emotional basket case of a wife. I mean I know I’m tough in a lot of ways. Going through a lot of the rough patches in life I’ve gone through has made me stronger in many ways. But in many ways, it weakens the spirit. PTS is no fun at all. I still have nightmares about being stuck in places like motels, funny farms, jails and Valleyhead. I was stuck in VH last night, as a matter of fact. But I wasn’t a kid again like I usually am in these dreams. We were all the middle-aged adults we are today but we still had to be there for some reason. I’d rather the 20,000-dollar abortions.

Red Lobster was the circus we figured it’d be. Actually, it was worse since it was between lunch and dinner when we went and we thought it’d be a little better at that time. We ordered to go but still had to wait half an hour.

I got the stuffed mushrooms and he got peppercorn steak with potatoes and salad with ranch dressing. He doesn’t do salads, but his wife and rat do. So we all enjoyed our feast to the tune of the wind chimes going crazier than usual since there was a storm rolling in. I’m sure mine is the only rat that ate like a king today in the entire state of Califuckedup (yes, Andy, I know you’ll love that one).

Along with their signature Cheddar Bay Biscuits, the stuffed mushrooms were great and so were the mashed potatoes. Very buttery and creamy. The steak, however, was a bit tough, dry and definitely too peppery.

The troll is now wishing her mother would die too, along with Alison for calling her an ungrateful child. She sure does act like a child and she sure has a lot of hate and anger in her. More than I ever had at my angriest of times. She also admitted to stalking people, particularly Alison, and using others to try to pass messages to her. But the back-and-forth contradictions and hypocrisy live on. She wrote in one post that she was leaving thoughts.com because she feels like she is the most hated member there (gee, I wonder why) and that her parents don’t want her blogging anymore because of the shit she says. Yet barely an hour later she makes a post introducing herself as if she were brand new to the site.

Due to how cruel and horrifying her words have become, Alison contacted her mother on Facebook, though she admits it may not do her any good. I hate to say it but I think it will take something a lot more drastic than their darling daughter just threatening them before they wake up and smell the coffee where she’s concerned and stop defending and making excuses for her. Something’s going to actually have to happen like Molly actually harming someone. I wonder if it’s getting close to that point, too.

If I myself ever want to go back to blogging in peace I’ll probably have to do it under an alias and change the names of my friends and family as well. But I want to wait a while for those other reasons besides Molly. Yeah, tomorrow the pig stress is back on. I’m not scared, but I’m a bit worried. Tom assures me Arizona has no jurisdiction over me and that the worst that could happen would be the local cops questioning me, but let’s hope it doesn’t even come to that! Still, I’d rather be questioned than arrested, and worse… extradited, tried, convicted and jailed.

Later…

I deleted my thoughts.com blog even though it only had like 20 entries in it. I started to mark my profile private but then decided to leave it public because I’m curious to see when and if the troll will give up on checking on me. She’s still pretty consistent. Not every other minute like she used to check in on me when I was writing there, but every hour or so. Sadly, I think that as long as she can get online unsupervised, she’ll check all my abandoned/private/public sites every day for the rest of her life. That’s why going under an alias at an undisclosed location will probably be my best bet if I go public blogging again, along with changing the names of friends and family. I won’t even tell them about it. They can just keep on getting direct entries via email or Facebook. Public blogging, if I return to it, will be just for fun and not a means of keeping friends and family up to date like it used to be. From what I’ve heard, it’s okay to use a pen name as long as you don’t claim to be the president or anything like that.

I almost deleted my MD and MO blogs but couldn’t do it. Not something I can just “kill” easily anymore than the one on my hard drive and that’s a 24-year journal. Does one throw away 24 years of printed life that easily, even if some of it was no joyride? When October 27, 1987 rolled around, I picked up a pen and never looked back. Only difference is I traded pens for keyboards 5 years into it. Pink, purple, black, blue, red, green…I’ve discussed my days in so many different colors and in 5 different states. Well, more than 5 states and even more than just this country since I did do a little writing in Florida and at sea when we went cruising to the Bahamas and Puerto Rico. Would’ve done it in the Grand Turks too, had a storm not made the waters too dangerous to try to dock in.

Marie used to say that the best way to go out of this world would be with a beer in one hand and a woman in the other. With me, I’d take Tom in one hand and my journal in the other.

One of Sharyn’s sisters was down in Florida visiting her mom when she was swimming on her back in a pool and rammed her head against the side of it. The next day she felt woozy and was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that her brain was bleeding. She must’ve been swimming super fast and really rammed it hard!

We did more fine-tuning and setting up on my PC. It sucks too, cuz I feel like I’m learning computers all over again as I learn the new ways of doing things on the Mac. We swapped mice too, since mine was acting up. Mice and I don’t seem to get along. Glad I got a rat! Although he’s not usually stupid enough to do something he knows he’s not supposed to do when I’m watching, if I’m in the other room and he can get into it, he will. Tom and I were in one room working on my computer and I forgot that the rat had been out for a while in the other room. So I went to check on him and sure enough, the furry little pervert was pulling my panties out of the hamper.

Tomorrow it’s back to working off the weight I gained over the weekend. When am I going to stop doing that and stop gaining on weekends what I took off during the week?

I think of good things. Good things going on today and good hopes for tomorrow. And then the freeloaders and pigs pop into mind and ruin it all. Will they really just sigh and realize that yes, I am out of their jurisdiction and give up on me? Or will they refuse to let me go and then do whatever they have to do, legal or not, to get at me? Really, will I be forced to go down there and remove them from my ass somehow, some way, or will they just let me be and go chase murderers, rapists and child molesters?

How I spent so many years in the past wishing they would just forget about me! Always with me, always with them. That’s what I used to feel my whole life was and would be when it came to the haters and how they affected my life both directly and indirectly. Those I wish would remember me more often if ever at all never seem to do so while those I wish would just forget about me and go away forever cling to me like the most faithful of lovers.

To help ease my anxieties I try to let my creative side come out to play and make a game of the weekday stress I will go through for probably some time to come, especially since Tom’s not around then. Why couldn’t this have happened when he was on unemployment? Ah, but on the flip side, we’ve now got money saved to run with if need be. On unemployment, how could we run? We’d probably have to run to a cheap, noisy apartment, but it would be much better than jail, out of their jurisdiction or not. Yeah, I know. The PTSD is just making me paranoid. Like crazy paranoid.

So in my mind, I will have a gorgeous foreign bodyguard looking out for me when he’s not here. :)

It’s what they framed me with that worries me. Tom says there’s no point in worrying since I can’t control them and what’s done is done, but I can’t help but wonder and worry about it just the same, and whether or not there’s a connection between them and whoever was in my computer.

Tomorrow will make one week since the pig emailed me and if I hear anything else from the cock I’m going to go from concerned to pissed. But why oh why did the Mexican pig have to email the black pig to say a case had been made against me??? This one has me baffled as hell. Tom said they just pulled off addies I’d sent unwanted stuff to, but then why wasn’t the black bitch herself emailed? Didn’t she get unwanted stuff? Isn’t my hurting someone’s feelings, pissing them off, and bruising their ego what started this shit? I don’t even know that I did in fact email anything to the black pig. I know I sent a message or two to the company holding that contest when we were up in Oregon, and I know I bashed the cock on Rate My Cop but that’s it. And what about the one with the invalid domain? What the hell was that about? I’m suspecting it was a trap of sorts. I think they hope I’ll panic at the thought of the black pig being contacted in regards to me or that it’ll piss me off and make me contact him. But I know that even in the toughest state in the country they simply cannot make a “case” out of anything I’ve ever sent. It’s just not enough. Nothing I sent could possibly constitute as threatening or even slightly bordering on “hateful” in the kind of way I’m sure the black bitch wishes it did. Unless they made it look that way and this is what worries me most.

Tom says they can’t set a court date if they can’t serve me, but that’s not what I’ve heard. First of all, I think they can have me served if they really want to (probably at this address since this is the one tied in with the net), and secondly, I heard that a summons is still valid as long as they send it to your last known address whether you’re there or not. This means that they’re going to set a date for me to be arraigned, with or without my knowing about it just like they did shortly after we got into the Maricopa house, and then there’ll be a default warrant on me when I don’t show up. I’d love to check for warrants now since they usually arraign you within days of making a case, but I could be being watched. I want to appear as oblivious to them as possible if I appear at all. Tom still promises that going off the grid will do the trick because that way I don’t exist.

But I do exist and unfortunately so do these hateful, vengeful assholes that may not want to give up on me so easily and that may want to relentlessly pursue me as if I’d actually done something other than express myself and as if I’d actually hurt someone. They made me feel like such a criminal 12 years ago! Just such a total criminal. Even I had to remind myself at times that hey, I didn’t kill anybody. I didn’t even slap them. There’s no Failure to Appear on me so yeah, it was a scam. It better be!

looks upward and wonders Will God protect me this time? Or will He throw me to the lions, sit back and watch while He leaves me completely helpless against these whackos? Please, God! Please don’t beat me over the head with these people! It’s not funny. It wasn’t funny the last time. It won’t be funny if there’s a next time either. Please, please, don’t do it!

Today’s adventures in Computer Land consisted of trying a 30-day trial of one of Mac’s word processors called Pages and I wasn’t happy with it. So we configured MW some more in its virtual box. Still not sure if I’ll get Win7 and upgrade to that but I sure am tempted to at times. Mac = crap safer or not!

I am worried, however, about just what the hell they did when they broke into my computer. It’d be just my shit luck to have to go down for someone else’s evil deeds. That’s one of the few things that are much better about Mac. No doubt about it. Microsoft can, for example, decide to disable illegally obtained word processors if they want to from functioning in Win7. And that’s not all they can do. Windows is changing constantly and has many loopholes that allow them (and others) to get at your stuff and basically do what they want with it. With Mac, your stuff is not only much, much harder to get at, but your stuff is your stuff and no one can alter its settings or control it in any way. So again I gotta wonder – who was on my computer before I climbed out of Windows and why? What did they do? We know they were using me as a proxy to hide behind but to do what?

Not as much in the way of annoying vehicles today, but Jesse just had to come and go at least once on the motorcycle. It was barely 10am, though, and they’d already started in with the sawing. Jesse came down here on the ATV not just to check the pipes and tank in back but because he was worried someone may be sawing on the back of his land. The sawing did stop as soon as he came down here, but what’s up with all the damn sawing anyway? It’s never been this bad any other year we’ve been here, so why now? How much firewood can one possibly need in a place that doesn’t get that cold? It’s been so unusually warm that we don’t need the heat from around 10am - 8pm. It’s supposed to finally rain next week and I hope it’s more than just a drizzle! Especially during the daytime.

Why can’t I have the kinds of crazy, unrealistic and downright impossible dreams I had last night? Especially with my history of having too many bad dreams come to life. I was getting an abortion, apparently, and Tom told me to run back inside as we were on our way out, to get this coupon he had for a $300 discount on the procedure.

“How much is it anyway?” I asked him and he said it was $20,000.

“$20,000?!” I asked with surprise. “Forget it then. We’ll get rid of it ourselves.”

I was also floating on a raft on some strange-looking ocean, too.

Alison had a nightmare about Molly flying to Iowa to try to track down her ex who doesn’t want anything to do with her (she has mentioned this in her blogs) but instead she stopped in Nebraska and somehow knew her address. She showed up at her place screaming, “The cancer didn’t kill you so I will!” and then went on to attack her.

This really has Aly shaken up. Even though Molly’s supposedly got some kind of muscle condition, the sicko was an usher for a few years at a movie theater, so she says she would think she could still put up a fight if she wanted to, and is 6” taller than her. Aly’s short like me. She said that if she mentions actually heading to Iowa, she and Dustin will stay somewhere else for a while. Better to be safe than sorry, and she pointed out how I said I’d fear for her safety if Molly could get around easier and wasn’t as stupid as she is.

Molly Rose M, you are hereby welcome to come to NorCali any day. Really, I’d love a visit from you. I guarantee you I’m no one you could take. :)))

I should be working out right now but the pound I gained from that extra meal I just had to have yesterday is not very encouraging. I just can’t get up the nerve to “discipline” myself with cutting my tongue, puking or anything else. When I’m hungry, I just eat.

Jesse was amazingly quiet yesterday, but that’s because he was gone most of the day. This was obvious by the barking that started at 7am and tapered off a couple of hours later. I wonder if someone’s living up there with him and if they drove in in something quiet at around 9am. Jesse wouldn’t be so quiet if he was there and the dogs wouldn’t be so quiet if they were alone.

Later…

I made myself work my arms, abs and do at least a little running.

I’ve already heard that damn truck 3 times so far today but no barking. They could go ballistic tonight since it’s Friday if he decides to go out tonight. I usually keep the sound machines on throughout the weekends anyway but haven’t turned them on yet.

Wow, it’s gonna come close to hitting 70º today. It’d be a good day to air the place out a bit.

Maliheh has proven that we really can usually trust our gut instinct. I’ve been suspecting she’s basically been doing what Nane did by going longer and longer between messages and all that, so last night I sent an ecard that provides pickup confirmation (she wouldn’t know that) asking what was up with her. Sure enough, the card was picked up but not replied to.

Tom said she thinks she’s just been busy. So busy she can’t even send a quick message saying she’s alive and well? Besides, how busy can she be at 10:00 at night?

So I waited a while and sent another card giving her the last week’s worth of journals and it too was picked up. So yeah, she’s doing one of those slow fade-out routines. No doubt about it. In other words, she’ll probably email me soon to say she’s been sick or busy, but the gap between messages will widen till she one day disappears forever. I just don’t know if she’ll quietly disappear or if she’ll accuse me of some bullshit as Nane did in the end and then dump me. Oh well, it’s her choice. But it explains some things like why she never added me on Facebook. It wasn’t just about keeping me away from her friends; she could’ve hidden me from them. I think she forgave me, feels like she made up for the past by being my friend for a while, and now she’s slowly walking away since she’s sick of me and I was never her type anyway. There’s also the fact that she may’ve friended me long enough to see to it that her name was kept out of the book.

Even though Maliheh specifically told me she’d be my friend as long as I wanted to be hers, I realize you can’t always go by what people say. After all, Nane said it’d be a shame if I dumped her but then she turned around and dumped me. Twice.

Later…

Ended up hearing from Maliheh after all. Sure enough, she said she’s been sick and busy and wasn’t happy that I was airing out her business unless it was in just a private message to her in which case she was sorry for jumping to conclusions. I assured her I wasn’t discussing her online with anyone else, and she went on to tell me she wasn’t mad at me, once she’s someone’s friend she’s their friend, and she’s going through a rough patch with her mom and work that never ends.

Do I believe her? I just don’t know anymore. She sounds believable but I just don’t know for sure what’s going through her mind.

I’ve got a window open in every room. Heard someone drive up and set Brandy off for a minute, and then some thumps that I guess may be car doors. What is he doing now, dealing? Nah. He may be hard up for bucks since he has a kid, but I think he’s just typical where visitors are concerned. That’s one of my concerns about an adult community. Everyone but us seems to have company just about every day and sometimes many times a day. I don’t want to have to sit and listen to car doors slamming galore.

There goes the motorcycle which means there goes the barking unless someone’s up there. I’m gonna put the sound machines on nonetheless. This is the fifth distraction already and it’s not even noon.

Tammy hasn’t seemed to be on FB which is alright with me. Besides, if she’s like most people she’ll start a journal for a while but won’t stick with it. You have to really love to write to stick to things like journals and stories and this is the first she’s ever mentioned writing in the 46 years she’s been my sister.

Yesterday I was bummed, bored and void of energy. Not depressed or stressed but I was just in one of those lazy moods and because I just couldn’t motivate myself to do much, I was bored. I didn’t work on my story or do much of anything. I mostly watched movies, read and listened to music. Oh, and I did study some more of that ugly German and do the dishes.

Because I was in such a lazy mood without much energy, I wandered into the troll’s bullshit blog once again to find she’s supposedly recanted, saying she feels bad for wishing in her blog that Alison would die of cancer and is sorry for it. Then she admits to needing to get offline because she’s not acting responsibly, blaming it on having a mental illness and saying she’s trying to figure out what to do about it and how to get over her anger at her former friends. Every now and then she appears to know right from wrong and to be genuinely sorry for the mean and hateful things she’s said and with a desire to correct the error of her ways. But just hours or days later she’s right back to the same old shit with seemingly no concept of right and wrong, no guilt, no empathy, no compassion, and no desire to change. The sick and twisted obsession of stalking and reaching out to those who have told her to go away lives on.

Although I’m sick of public journaling and the time it was taking up to deal with “fans,” and am determined to stay out of Molly’s radar for the entire year, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she were right where she is now come the end of 2012 – living with her parents, jobless, and chasing those that don’t want a damn thing to do with her. She still checks for me multiple times a day on thoughts.com.

I did get a kick out of her writing something about being paranoid that we’re out to get her and are plotting against her with the police. It’s nice to see her paranoid for once! But that’s anything but true. The pigs don’t give a shit and I still think that most people that call them do it out of spite and not because they truly fear for their safety.

I feel bad for Aly and Kim and not just because the troll makes it hard for them to ignore her, but because from the sound of Kim’s tweets, she may lose her dad soon, and Aly’s in the hospital. She said just when she thought her health couldn’t get any worse she ends up with a lung infection. I just hope she’s cancer-free! She was supposed to get her test results today. That girl is so, so cursed physically! I don’t tell her this, of course, but Aly’s not stupid. She knows damn well God has it in for her just like He usually has it in for us. Only difference is God uses money to beat us down and not our health. Seriously, if there is a God at all He is so hateful, merciless and void of compassion that it’s scary. But I do try to avoid cussing Him out when the shit hits the fan for fear of Him spiting me for it by adding more shit to hit the fan with. He just seems so vengeful.

I changed usernames on Formspring and Twitter to throw the troll off and even protected my tweets. But then Andy mentioned my Formspring account being deactivated when I didn’t deactivate it. I sent those Formfuckers a message, but haven’t heard back from them. They’ve always been a glitchy site and I wonder if the name change has anything to do with it. Since I was never a big fan of the site I’m probably not going to fight too hard to restore the account. I know Andy liked my backgrounds and being able to post his favorite lines from my journals, but I can send graphics in emails and he can post faves in other places. Meanwhile, we can still play on his page; I just appear anonymous.

German grammar is such a joke. Not only cuz there are 12 different ways to pluralize things but because of things like the uses of the word come. We say “come here” whether it’s to someone we know well or not and regardless of how many people. But in German, you must say “kommen hier” if it’s formal and for those you don’t know well. The informal usage is “komm hier” for one person and “kommt hier” for more than one person. How fucked up is that? Kommen, komm, kommt… why can’t they all just “come here?!”

The descriptive gender words in romance languages drives me nuts, too. In Italian a fat woman is grassa while a fat man is grasso and a group is grassi. Why can’t we all just be fat! LOL