Since Molly’s sister thought Alison cared so much that she notified her that the troll would be home and online till the 19th, I thought it a bit strange that she hadn’t shown up on my tracker. I got a couple of visits from someone in Weslaco but found that the person had XP and not Win7. I didn’t think anything of it till I saw they were accessing old posts and that their provider was Road Runner like Molly’s. Also, when I pulled up the map I saw they were right outside of Harlingen, so that’s when I knew it had to be Molly. She’s probably at a relative’s place though it’s not uncommon for our locations to change even if we’re always at the same place. Today it’s saying I’m in Elk Grove.

Mark is really, really hell-bent on making Facebook shittier than ever. Yes, the Zuck sucks. I was talking to Nina, the woman in Sarajevo who runs one of the nature pic pages I subscribe to just learned that you now have to pay for “likes” and how it’s getting harder and harder to reach people on FB. I know. I can’t even send non-friends messages half the time. It says it was sent to their ‘other’ box since now the cheap bastard wants us to pay for hitting their inbox, but never appears as ever being read. The few friend requests I’ve sent to people I once knew aren’t even being received.

As I told her, I’d love to drop FB and I would in a heartbeat if there was a better way to keep in touch with friends and family. Only it wouldn’t be that easy to convince everyone to keep in touch either by email or on other sites. It’s just not as convenient or as fun for people to keep in touch via email. So as much as I hate it it’s not something I can just up and leave, but you bet your ass I will if they ever do start charging us a fee! That’s where I definitely draw the line even if it’s just a few bucks a month. Facebook doesn’t need more money. The Zuck fuck doesn’t need more money. I’m not going to pay selfish, greedy assholes in which enough is never enough. The bastard’s a billionaire and doesn’t need our money nearly as much as we do.

What sucks is that all good things eventually do come to an end. I can’t think of many sites that haven’t gone to hell and changed for the worse. Even air freshener goes to hell. Glade made it so their sprays quit working before the bottles are empty, and Airwick’s stuff now makes me cough. It’s gonna suck when Febreze trashes their products as well.

Tom just got up and said that’s what they always wanted to do is charge people to use their damn site and all its glitches. Says it should be a long time, though. Well, I’m definitely gone when it happens! They are going to lose sooo many people if they start charging people. I hope people will want to keep in touch in other ways, but hey, that’ll be a good test of just how much they care. :)

Because I have accumulated so many pictures I got some really cool software yesterday direct from Apple’s app store for $10. It’s easy to end up with duplicates when you download so many pics. This software hunts for dupes and similar pics as well.

Been having spells of lightheadedness and at least partial runs and I don’t know why. I don’t get dizzy, though. The room doesn’t spin and I don’t experience sensations of vertigo or anything like that. I just get a funny feeling in my head and sometimes my ears ring. Like with most symptoms, if I try looking them up it tells me I have all kinds of diseases. Let’s see… my digestive tract is bleeding and I think I may have an unusual heartbeat, too. Oh, low blood sugar. Can’t forget that one.

It really is getting warmer and drier each year. We don’t usually have windows open round the clock till around mid-June, but here it is, not even mid-May yet, and we’ve had them open for days.

Today’s Maliheh’s birthday and I’ve made sure not to wish her a happy birthday, of course. If she can forget my birthday I can forget hers. Only difference is that she forgot mine because she never cared enough to think of me by then in the first place, having realized she’d gotten what she wanted from me.

I’m now starting to wonder if Mary’s claim of me supposedly having another blog to bash her in was bullshit. I first thought someone was impersonating me, but I can’t find anything and it’s not like you can deactivate on MO in a single click. You have to put in a request, which can take weeks. I have found nothing with my name or username like the one I have. So why would her little informant think it was me if nothing in my real name or username comes up anywhere?

If Molly’s been online at all, she hasn’t been to my blogs unless she’s keeping under radar, something I’ve never known her or her mother to do before. She’s probably forbidden to go to certain sites, especially ones where she does a little bashing of her own. I do have regulars in her state, but not her hometown or the one she’s been living in.

Had to block Lori again after stupidly unblocking her. While I usually prefer the more honest route, I chose to block her and let her think it was a glitch rather than unfriend her. If I unfriended her she’d want to know why and I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings by telling her she’s a fucking pest. Really, no one’s ever pestered me as much as she does. She rarely has anything interesting to say, she repeats herself over and over, and she just drives me crazy. She’s not unbalanced or anything. She’s actually a very nice woman. She’s ugly as hell, though. Typical of what I get showering me with so much attention. They’re always either crazy or ugly or both. I don’t need to ask her if she’s at least bi to know she has a thing for me. She made that plenty obvious. As I said, we all fantasize about someone being so into us that they follow our every move. Just not to the point of driving us crazy with 10 comments, 10 wall posts and 10 messages every single day! And when oh when are they going to be sane and smart??? They don’t have to look like they stepped off the cover of Vogue, but still… the same old shit gets old. Makes a person feel ugly and like that’s all they deserve the attention of, whether they’re happily married or committed or not.

Just minutes after I reconnected with her she managed to leave 5 posts and comments and a message in just a few minutes. I looked and found I could block her from seeing what others post to my wall since she loves to butt into my conversations with others, but I can’t stop her from posting or commenting on posts unless I block everyone from doing so. So that’s why I had to cut her off completely. She just won’t quit smothering me. A few times a week is one thing; a few times a day is another.

Had two dreams that we visited Tammy. Although my dreams don’t seem to mean shit anymore, it was a little alarming. For one, we wouldn’t visit her unless she couldn’t come here. If she couldn’t come here that would mean we really are trapped here indefinitely, although she could stay in a hotel. More than likely, though, it would mean she was too ill to travel. I also didn’t like how she shrunk down to nothing in my arms as we hugged each other when I arrived. She started off as her usual self, but then she was sickly thin when I pulled back.

Later…

“This is your home,” I keep trying to tell myself. “Accept it, love it, embrace it, and quit whining about what you can’t have instead of appreciating what you do have.” Yes, it’s scary to admit something up there can hate us so much that it feels we don’t deserve a home of our own no matter how goddamn hard we work and no matter how much we save, but I am still bound and determined to learn to make the best of it and focus on the good things. We may never have a home of our own that we truly love – just isn’t meant to be – but we will always have each other. Besides, a 55+ park would probably be even noisier than here with that many people that close together. Mutts barking out windows and while being walked would certainly have gotten really old really fast, and a community with on-site homes might’ve been even worse since they have yards there. They wouldn’t leave the dogs out overnight there, but what’s to stop them from doing so in the daytime? So maybe something’s actually looking out for us, IDK. I just know that it’s time to catch up on cleaning and shit like that, which I’ve stupidly neglected month after month, thinking we were getting out of here any day. We’re going to be here indefinitely. The sooner I accept that the better. Bringing myself to unpack things is going to be harder than cleaning but I can do it and I will do it.

I have been scolded for preferring to keep a journal publicly and told that it’s “sad.” And I am sad by the fact that so many people find my own personal choices and preferences sad. Aren’t there more important things to be sad about?

Actually, there is. What’s “sad” is that my husband and I can have 16K but no home of our own. The funny part was when we were out yesterday. On the way to and from Mel’s diner where he got an omelet and I got ribs, we went by some car dealerships. Some were used and others were for lease, but we were laughing at just how many of the cars we saw that we could up and buy outright if we suddenly wanted to. We are definitely, definitely not poor right now. Only in our living quarters are “poor,” LOL. The question is how long will we have money?

Another sad thing is how many people mention separate bank accounts from their spouses. I can see maybe one joint, one separate, but so many couples these days are so big on separatism and independence. What’s the point of getting married then? It used to be that what was his was hers and what was hers was his. But now most of society has decided that Tom’s money is HIS money, not OUR money. Does that mean I shouldn’t share my inheritance with him, or is it ok to do so because I didn’t work for that money? I can see having separate bedrooms for those who are light sleepers, separate baths, and separate vehicles, but the shit’s still BOTH of yours, for God’s sake! Shouldn’t what matters the most be that the couple has what they need and not which one “earns” it? It’s a good thing most marrieds are skipping kids these days. I would think this attitude would instill even more selfishness in what’s already enough selfish, spoiled little brats out there.

Yeah, it may be wrong not to work if both people are able-bodied and don’t really need the money, but if they’re happy and they don’t have a problem with it, then why should we? I just don’t get why it is that how other people live their lives can be more important to some people than their own lives, things that don’t even affect them personally.

I used to be guilty of worrying about others more than I should as well. For a while, I tried to encourage Andy to make more friends to fill in for when I wasn’t around on Ask since he’s more into the site than I am, but then I realized he’s a big boy. He can decide for himself when to make more friends and what kind of friends, just like I’ve decided (without guilt) that I don’t want to make additional friends. The cyber world isn’t much different than the real world. Most people suck shit on and offline with their phoniness, their lies and their judgmental ways. I’ve met a lot of sweet people that I hope to always be friends with, but the trolls and assholes out there aren’t worth the drama that would come with meeting more people.

I think that the only thing different about the virtual world is that we can’t physically reach out and touch the people we interact with. But other than that, what’s different about it? What’s really, really different about it than the real world? If anything it brings people even closer on a deeper, more personal level. I wouldn’t even know Nane existed if it weren’t for the internet. I used to write journals by hand when Andy and I lived in MA. He could’ve read it every time we got together, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as convenient as it is in cyberspace. He can go to my blog any time of day or night with or without me knowing about it. Those Fleetwood Mac pics he loves to collect; sure I’d see some of them on his walls when I’d be at his place, but when he has it as a background picture on Ask or a cover photo on FB it’s harder to miss. When I cut ties with him in 1999 (yes, I know I’m an asshole for it and some of you out there, even if it has nothing to do with you directly, can hate me all you want even though it’s been owned up to and apologized for years ago), it was easy to simply vanish into thin air without a trace. Online it’s different. You can delete and ignore people all you want, but if they really want to get at you, it’s a helluva lot easier to do so online. You can run, but you can’t always hide very well online if someone gets obsessed with you. If anyone knows this it’s me. But that’s my point. There isn’t much difference between cyber and reality. You just can’t hug, screw or kiss the person you’re in touch with.

The blur of chocolate and vanilla fur rolling round and round as the rats play put a smile on my face, though I’m still in a foul mood. Still entertaining fantasies of making the streets of Auburn a little bit safer one pervert at a time, too. A perfect stranger donned a black robe 13 years ago and decided I was something I’m not. Cleared in the end or not, maybe I oughta live up to some of these false labels people like to stick on me. For now, does the spider I killed in the bathroom count?

Tom still wants to keep looking but I still don’t see why we should bother. It isn’t meant to be. I get that. I accept that. I don’t like it and I don’t get it but it is what it is. Everything’s either too expensive, too far, or we get outbid.

After a month or so I’d love to ask whoever got the place if the mutt next door barked that often, curious to see if it really would’ve been the problem I feared it would be, or if it was just an occasional thing.

So much for laughing at the idea of giving Jesse “bad news” soon. Yeah, you little pest. You ain’t getting your bad news anytime soon. Lucky you.

I’m shocked, relieved and bummed out to say that we were outbid on the “barking” house. I figured that if the bastard above would be on our side with anything it would be with getting a noisier place since He seems to love to sic all kinds of extremes and flukes on me where that’s concerned. But now I know that it’s not about getting us into a less-than-ideal place, it’s about us owning. Period. The bastard doesn’t want us owning anything at all. I should’ve figured as much. Would He have seen to it that we lost two places in two states and have been renting for the last 9 years if we were meant to ever own again?

The realtor couldn’t tell us what the other people bid, of course, but she asked if we could bid higher and while we could’ve afforded to bid over the 15K, it wasn’t worth it for a 1977 place with no fridge/washer/dryer.

Tom said he’s actually thrilled because he couldn’t help feeling like it was a settlement. That’s WHY I went for it. I said to myself, well, we can’t get what we want, so let’s try what we don’t want. The house itself would’ve been ok, though a bit old and big, but I was very worried about the mutt barking out that side window every chance it got and a little worried about the field in back. It was just too close to the mainstream. Anything could’ve been going on back there and within the properties, you could just make out through the trees. Still, while you can get a place further away from the mainstream than that place was, whose place isn’t going to have mutts barking out its window if it can’t live outside? Almost no one chooses cats or to go petless over having a dog.

In some ways, the barking may be worse in those kinds of parks. You wouldn’t hear the same dog going off for 5 hours, but you’d hear more dogs more often as they were being walked down the street. Had they been allowed to keep them outside all the time, you’d hear the mutts next to you more often, but you’d never know Fido down the street existed cuz he wouldn’t be being walked by your house half a dozen times a day if he could just stay outside his own place 24/7. The only place that would’ve been peaceful (except for people stopping to pick up their mail) would’ve been the Newcastle place, but I knew good and well the bastard above that everyone thinks is oh so wonderful would never let us have that.

So when you can’t have what you do want and you can’t have what you don’t want, you’re obviously not meant to have anything at all. Tammy said if ever there was a loving couple that deserved a nice home, it’s us. But that’s just the thing. Our lovely God is backward. It’s those who don’t deserve things or don’t care one way or the other that are the ones being blessed with whatever. Nothing and no one is going to just give us a home and it seems we can’t bid on one either, so as I told Tom, I officially give up. I don’t want to look at any more places or even discuss them. This is where we were meant to be and this is where we’ll stay. Time to get real and focus on what is meant to be instead of striving for what isn’t, and focus on the positives of this place instead of always bitching about the negatives. Even though I barely have any room to unpack them in, the few bins of shit I so stupidly packed months ago will be unpacked and either set back up or thrown in drawers sometime next week. And I’ll just continue dealing with the slow-as-molasses connection. It hasn’t killed me yet. A lot of people in life don’t even have that much, and it’s still quiet here most of the time. I’ve lived in places MUCH noisier than this. The apartments I’ve lived in and the house in Phoenix were a total circus compared to this.

Even though barking is everywhere, I am a bit relieved because that mutt would’ve been even closer to us than Jesse’s mutts, and I never wanted to be flanked in like sandwich meat like that by other houses. They were probably closer than the welfare bums were to us in Phoenix, and we would’ve had neighbors on two sides instead of one. Here, I can breathe easier even if we may be cramped inside the place, and although I’d have been willing to give it up and use headphones, think I could’ve blasted my music there? Renting still has more advantages than owning. Especially when it’s getting harder and harder to get what your home is worth if you decide to sell it. What could we have gotten for that house if we sold it when he retired, 5 grand? 3 grand?

Tom thinks something up there was protecting us from making a mistake and feeling like we settled. I disagree. I think if it wanted to guide us to the right place it would’ve done so months ago. “We didn’t have the money months ago,” he said.

Fine. Let him waste his time looking for what doesn’t exist for us. I’m staying right here. That means getting on with my life… having the rest of my dental work done, getting my thyroid checked out, etc.

Later…

To think that something up there has had so much hate for me since I was a baby is a little scary. No, it’s a lot scary. If it’s really true that something up there plans what happens to us, I must’ve done something really horrible somewhere to have deserved the kind of childhood I had and the problems I’ve been faced with as an adult.

It hit me that thanks to being cursed with this sleep disorder, we couldn’t even have a dog of our own if we decided we wanted one. You kind of have to be available every day to let it out, you know? So the bastard has managed to take even that from me. So many opportunities and doors have been slammed in my face due to all the limitations this fucking thing has put on me.

Again, I’m just trying to focus on the good in life and to remind myself that being stuffed in someone else’s bummy old dive isn’t the worst thing in life. Another decade and we’ll try again when he retires. Probably get the hell out of the state. On life’s positive side, I have someone who loves me unconditionally, shortcomings and strengths. Unless they too, decide to dump me, I have good friends who at least seem to really care about me and accept me as I am. As far as I know, we are both in good health. As much as we are hated from above (especially me), money’s the last thing we need to worry about right now. So it isn’t all bad just because we can’t have a home of our own unless we want to settle for another dumpy old single-wide in a park that would actually make the “barking” place seem rather spacious.

Another concern about this park just occurred to me. Of course I can’t voice this concern to Tom because, despite all the shit the Phoenix white-hating black assholes put his wife through, I don’t think he can see that yes, yes, yes, like it or not, blacks are usually more trouble than whites. Maybe he doesn’t want to see it.

Still, my point is that I dread ending up with them. Totally. They may not be welfare bums, but still… They may not all be loud, rude, obnoxious, selfish, inconsiderate sickos that hate whites and play the race card every goddamn chance they get, but still…

What if? What if we end up with these kinds of shitsters again? What if I’m seen scratching my nose as I go out to grab the mail or something and it’s mistaken for an obscene gesture? What if they too, have friends in high places that they complain to? No one’s going to believe me for shit. So then what? Then what do I do?

This is a “poor” park of sorts. It may be in a nice neighborhood, but with the space rent being so low it’s quite a welfare park of sorts compared to Lakeview Village or the Diamond K Estates. It’s called Oak Grove Estates. Boring name. Regardless, if blacks and other “minorities” are going to want to own and in a 55+ park, this is where they’d be. Even if that park had just one black person in it, who do you think would get it? It would be just my shit luck to either end up next to it too, or for it to end up next to us.

Later…

Tom called the realtor and told her we thought it over and decided we want to make an offer. We didn’t tell her this, but while it might not be the most peaceful location, we like the house and neighborhood. Also, it’d be the cheapest place we’ve lived in since being married that wasn’t a rental. It’s definitely the smartest, safest way to go economically speaking, other than that dumpy, cramped park we both hated.

I’m not going to elaborate much more until and if the bank accepts our offer, and I think they will. If I’m right in suspecting it could be noisy, then why would anything up there get in our way considering the fact that it’s seemed to love to see me in noisy places almost all my adult life? And when I say “noisy” I don’t mean maddening like Phoenix or Norwich was. I mean barking mutts being walked by or barking out open windows. Maybe some traffic noise, mainly car doors, but that’s about it. I know I won’t have to worry about overnight barking sprees, screaming kids bouncing balls an arm’s reach away for hours at a time, or loud music that no sound machine could possibly hope to drown out.

Tom’s signing the papers tomorrow at 5:00, but we probably won’t get a yes or no till next week.

The OT is winding down at work, which “fits” with us being about to get a place. I mean, now that we defied God and beat Him at His own game, why would He want us to be able to furnish it and make all the upgrades we want to make that quickly? Better later than never but it will probably take us a couple of years or so since cutting his OT cuts our income in half. He was making in OT what he was making in regular pay. BUT… on the flipside, we estimate the overall expenses there to be $100 - $200 less than it is here. We have two savings accounts, so we’ll probably split whatever we save each month. Half will go into one account, which will be for emergencies, or surprise expenses that may come up, and half will go into another account that will be for whatever we want.

I’m both excited and nervous. Again, I’m a little dismayed to have someone’s carport run alongside our place, and I really hope that dog doesn’t spend hours just going off in the window over nothing, but I’m excited to have adequate space, cable, full-size appliances, a pool to use, places to bike ride or walk to…

Assholes or not, it’s going to be weird not being able to call my parents to tell them all about it, wherever we end up.

I grin at the idea of knowing what bad news is headed Jesse’s way soon enough. I won’t miss him or his mutts, even though they’ve been quieter for 4 or 5 months and I’m just going to listen to new ones at the new place. They just won’t be big dogs left outside 24/7.

Do I want to be buddies with my neighbors? Nah. Friendly but not friends. Friendly enough that you can go to each other in an emergency, but not so friendly so as to invite potential trouble too close to home. Mixing neighbors with pleasure can end up backfiring the same as mixing business with pleasure can. We’re going there to live anyway, not socialize. We love spending our free time alone or with each other. Still hope my sister gets to visit, though. Speaking of her, I’m a little worried right now. I haven’t gotten any messages, voice or text, in a while now and I wonder what’s going on. Something must be up to keep her quiet this long, so if I don’t hear anything in a week or so, I’ll see if I can get any info from Sarah.

I’m not sure I want to continue using my LJ blog for voice or text posts because I don’t have the blessing of changing my mind with that blog and going friends-only or private except for future posts. I can set different security levels for individual posts, but as a non-premium member, I can’t make the nearly 5000 posts I’ve got over there private with one click if I suddenly wanted to. To go back and set each one to private would be a lot of work, and I see no way to deactivate the account either. I don’t care to dump that account now or make it private, but I’m not sure I want to use it in the future.

Tom woke up unable to sleep cuz his mind was racing. “It’s too much,” he said, “regardless of all the barking.”

Yeah, the house is kind of steep for what it’s got to offer. It’s spacious, but it’s old and the damn thing doesn’t even have a refrigerator or a washer and dryer.

Today’s events (now yesterday’s) explain the lack of positive moving dreams. The only dream I remember was receiving a handwritten letter from Nane. Along the sides of the pages, she doodled all kinds of cartoon characters. I told Tom I was going to write back with all kinds of drawings decorating both the letter and envelope.

The funniest part was the end where I was saying how silky soft her letter felt. “Look how soft this paper is,” I said to Tom.

“Yeah, that paper probably cost more than her rent,” he said.

Later…

So France was the last country to legalize gay marriage (yay) and it looks like the next US state will be Delaware (yay again).

The jury did the right thing and convicted Jodi Arias of 1st-degree murder. Now if they could just continue doing the right thing by killing the bitch, that would be even better. But even if she does get the death penalty, the chances of her actually being killed are slim. At least she’ll never be free again, though. After cases like Casey Anthony and OJ, you worry for a minute there that this admitted, obvious cold-blooded murderer, is going to get off on some stupid technicality or because they’re black.

Last night my frustration and confusion over this house thing started to turn to depression. I was left feeling like we could only have what we didn’t want and could never get what we did want. I’d still prefer a newer, nicer, bark-free place, but that’s just a pipe dream. Well, then again, we could take out a loan for a newer nicer place, but since that too, would include barking, we decided against it due to the added time it would take. It would take another month to 6 weeks just to get approved, and the odds of finding a place with space rent as low as $510 is slim unless we remained in Auburn.

The realtor called back (I forgot her name) to let us know the exact numbers on things like space rent, sewer, trash, etc. They were lower than she originally quoted which was basically a guess. So Tom and I asked ourselves, do we make an offer and leave it to fate, or what? I say we make the damn offer as turned off as I was by all the barking because it doesn’t get much quieter or cheaper than that. Not for us it doesn’t, anyway. We can’t know what’s going to happen with our credit and when, so rather than waste time waiting for what isn’t meant to be or what would at least take even longer to obtain, we might as well jump at this opportunity. Other than the noise and the ugly paneling that’s in most of the place, the place is more than big enough and has just about everything we need. We’d want to install dual-paned windows in time, though we like the solar screens the place has, which help keep it cooler and that you can see out of but not into. Tom described the carpet as worn, and while it may not be perfect, I thought it looked pretty good and I loved how plush it was. They used really soft padding underneath.

Worst-case scenario we have to keep sound machines on during the daytime and maybe even soundproof the left wall of the place due to that dog barking out the window next door. Tom thinks, though, that it never would’ve gone off had we not walked around the place. Tom heard someone leave the first time he was there and said the vehicle wasn’t ferociously loud but was average. They didn’t make a show out of slamming doors real hard, gunning engines or blasting any music. They just jumped in and left.

Tom thinks we’ll hear a few barks once or twice a day. I say 6-12 times a day for 5-10 minutes, but I’ve lived with worse. The mutts have to be walked, and every time someone pulls in there it’s gonna hit the window and go ballistic. These dogs, who are never allowed indoors, used to bark 10 hours a day back when Jesse was working, so I’ve dealt with worse. If I’m right on how often the barking will occur, it shouldn’t add up to much more than an hour a day of barking, something I can adapt to easily enough or at least run sound machines if it gets to be a bit much. I may have to limit certain activities to the nighttime that require a quiet background, but oh well. I’ve had to do this before and I can live with it. As soon as I saw the place with all the space around it in Newcastle, I knew damn well and good that nothing up there would let us have anything that ideal.

Why do so many people prefer dogs, though? I just don’t get why people would want to have animals that are so damn loud. Then again, I could also ask that of those wanting kids. Why would anyone want something that will cost them more money than they’ll probably ever have and steal their peace and life? Having once considered a kid of my own, plus the move to Oregon, were definitely some of my biggest what-the-fuck-was-I-thinking moments.

Anyway, I think we’re going to get the barking house, as I’ve dubbed it. God would just LOVE to see us in an old place with lots of barking, though the house is far from dumpy and it should be quiet at night. Don’t know what condition the roof is in, though, so Tom will have to check it out if no one beats us to an offer. Maybe we’ll have a home inspection done and get the carpet cleaned. The only thing I don’t like, besides the barking, is that this place will damn near drain all our savings. But Tom did the math and said there’d be no risk of losing the place even if they laid him off that day. Oh, the noisier it is the less likely we’d lose it, alright, LOL. God only seems to want to take the newer, nicer places away from us. Worst-case scenario, new furniture and other non-necessities would have to wait. We’d have to change the locks right away and get new appliances, though.

So, God, we’ll take this 1977 barking house if they’ll accept our offer, but it will be OURS and no one’s going to take it away from us until and if we decide to sell it. Not even You.

My jail blog still gets accessed regularly and Maliheh’s now at the point that she won’t even open my email. Damn. Now I can’t tell her off as I planned to in another month or so.

Alison said she got a message from Molly’s sister Sarah, letting her know she’d be home till the 19th, is doing well, etc. As she told her, though, she cut ties with her years ago for a reason, doesn’t give a shit how she’s doing, and doesn’t want to be contacted again. She hasn’t shown up on my tracker yet.

Later…

Been meaning to do a Mary update and explain why I wanted to make it clear that I have just one account per site except on Ask, thanks to the trolls who wouldn’t leave my friend and me alone.

I’m the curious type who analyzes and wonders about things. Mary and I have always written about each other in our blogs and neither of us minded. If she has a problem with what I’m going to say in this entry, though, tough. I don’t use full names or sensitive info and I’m not making any threats, so I’m not doing anything wrong. I have the right to say what I’m going to say, and since we’re no longer friends I don’t feel I’m obligated to her in any way.

So I ruled out anything I wrote in my blog as being why she would dump me all of a sudden with no explanation. Those on parole aren’t supposed to mingle with ex-cons, but I’m not an “ex-con.” Even if I hadn’t been vindicated, the charges would’ve been dropped to a misdemeanor in the end. An ex-con is considered to have felonies on their rap sheet.

Unable to guess what the hell was going on, I logged into LinkedIn where I totally forgot I’d set up an account there in a bogus name. Not something I normally like to do, but I was looking for someone I couldn’t find on Facebook. I don’t even remember who it was or if I ever found them. I only used the account for a day and haven’t logged in for years. At first I wondered how the hell Mary found me but then realized all she had to do was look me up by email. It’s a no-brainer.

Anyway, here’s what she had to say. Apparently, she received a message on MO that I was “two-facing” her and speaking unfairly about her in a second blog. But I don’t have a second blog. My first thought was Kim, who’s obsessed with impersonating everyone from people she knows to celebrities, but it seems a bit steep even for Kim. I’ve never known Kim to set up an account as someone, bash someone that person supposedly knows, then go point it out to them.

She said she left MO cuz of all the lame people and that she dumped me on Tumblr cuz she was “irritated” with me and needed space from me. She said that she felt it best to just silently walk away rather than cuss me out. But there’s an in-between she should’ve considered. Instead of jumping the gun or cussing me out, she could’ve had the decency to at least ask me about it. Shame on her for not knowing me better! Man, I’m sick of all these trust issues and paranoia so many people have and the way they jump to all kinds of false accusations and assumptions without even checking things out. Besides, we knew each other for years. If she felt like she couldn’t talk to me and that she just had to automatically take the person’s word for whatever, then our friendship was never what I thought it was to begin with. I can understand how hard it can be to trust people in general, but people she’s known for years??? If you can’t take them at face value, then who can you take them at face value? Really, I can’t stand people like this who are that insecure. They’re almost as bad as dealing with the crazies.

I’m TIRED of having to defend and explain myself to those who should know me better. Maybe next time she’ll learn to investigate rumors and check into things first before she makes up her mind about people. I don’t need this type of drama in my life and I have more important things to do than babysit people’s feelings and have to take them by the hand and say, “No, no, that’s not the way it happened. I’m not lying to you. I swear!” Those days are over for me and I told her that if she wants space, fine, she can have it because I don’t want to hear from her again. We’re done. Period. I can eventually forgive her, but I don’t want to resume our friendship because this isn’t the first time something like this has happened and it’s a matter of having self-respect for myself. I can forgive and resume friendships once – maybe twice if they’re real lucky – but 3 strikes and you’re certainly out for good because I know damn well you’re just going to keep pulling the same old BS on me no matter how many times I forgive you.

Crazies, liars, false accusers, those that like to piss me off for negative attention… ugh! It gets old at times and sometimes I wish I didn’t have any friends at all. Fewer headaches that way, for sure, but I can’t dump people for no reason. I used to be able to do that, but the me of today has to have a good reason to cut ties with someone. Unless they do something really big or too many smaller things add up, I’d feel too guilty for letting people go needlessly. Not that I would lower myself to being friends with people like Fran and “Nervous,” but I can just imagine what it would be like with them in cyberspace. What a nightmare, even though one of them is dead. They would no doubt keep annoying and offending me just so they could get off on reading about it in my blog till I was smart enough to catch on and get rid of them. They definitely thrived on pissing people off and getting negative attention.

Anyway, I don’t know what informants Mary’s got spying on me these days, but she told me she could find anyone cuz she’s got an associate’s degree as a paralegal and specializes in doing research. Then why the fuck couldn’t she research this other blog, forward the link to me, and ask me about it?

Oh, and she unblocked me on FB. Gee, that’s nice of her, huh? I’m unblocked but I’m still a two-faced liar, right?

The person behind the blog said something about not wanting her to be happy. Now why in the world wouldn’t I want her to be happy??? I have said nothing in my blog I wouldn’t say directly to her. She knows what I think of her associating with abusive and even potentially dangerous people, and she knows what I think about her not learning to do things for herself. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help in tough times, and it’s not her fault the economy is so bad she can’t find a job (on top of the fact that she was behind bars for 14 years and most employers don’t care for that), but she does tend to use people. She did it to me for many years, but for the most part, I didn’t mind. I didn’t mind typing up and editing her book drafts, but I did put my foot down when the stamps and ink started adding up and she asked for favors for friends, people I didn’t even know.

Anyway, that wraps up my “friendship” with the woman who told me countless times that she loved me and considered me to be the sister she never had. I had no idea she had so little trust, faith, and confidence in me. It is really, really insulting. Why would anyone want to be friends with those they feel they can’t trust anyway, and who would set up a blog just to smack them? I can smack someone anywhere. I don’t need to set up secret accounts to do it.

Meanwhile, I’m looking into locating the bogus account and who may be behind it, but haven’t found anything yet. As soon as I do, though, MyOpera will be notified and I will see to it that they investigate and have it shut down.

Today turned out to be a very disappointing day. I was reminded that we can escape loud car stereos, we can escape screaming kids, but barking is the one thing we’re not going to escape no matter where we go. Yeah, talk about a dose of reality to remind me of this sad fact!

Although I had a bad feeling about the house all last night and when I woke up today, I wanted to go into it with as open of a mind as possible and not jump the gun. Well, as it turns out, it’s not the vacant land behind the place that turned me off. It was all the ferocious barking from the mutt in the window of one of the neighboring houses. It was so bad that even being half deaf I could hear it inside the house we were looking at. Not sure, though, if their window was open or not. The house we looked at was closed up, but we could still hear the fucking thing loud and clear.

There wasn’t any car in their carport, so clearly the owners weren’t home at the time as I would think – I would hope – that any decent person would shoo the damn dog out of the window that took a shit fit like that in it. Then again, maybe not. A lotta people don’t mind the racket any more than they mind if their neighbors mind.

I wasn’t surprised, though. And “coincidentally,” Tom never heard any barking the first time he looked at the place, and the realtor, who was visibly upset, said she never had either. I believe it. It’s me the so-called noise curse is aimed at. The empty space in back didn’t seem as worrisome as it does by satellite. Could any barking, music or other sounds be heard from back there? Maybe. But I think whatever you could hear would be pretty insignificant compared to a mutt going apeshit in a window 10’ away from you. It almost sounded like it was tied up outside!

No mutts jumped out at us in the house on the other side, but I’m guessing that’s because the owners were home. You can’t see their carport from that house, so I couldn’t say for sure. To think that every time we went outside the left side of the place and every time the mailman came around or people were walking their mutts or they had company, this thing would go crazy, is really sad. But technically the owners aren’t doing anything wrong. They have every right to allow their dogs to bark out their windows. There’s just no getting away from it. IDK, maybe it’s time to stop running from what I can never escape and just deal with it. I could adapt to the racket for once and for all if only I’d just let myself, and on days it got to be a bit much, well, that’s what sound machines are for, right?

I don’t know if we’re going to take this house or not either way, but knowing that nothing up there would allow us the incredibly ideal location that Newcastle house we saw was in, lack of cable or not, we’re not ruling it out either. I’m trying to just focus on the house itself and the neighborhood. The neighborhood was safe enough, and the house was nice enough. It didn’t take my breath away and make me go, “OMG, this is gorgeous!” But it was adequate enough. I don’t want to continue staying here month after month where our expenses are higher, waiting for what we can never have. We can’t afford a house on a deserted island, or a house in the middle of a 10-acre ranch, but I can’t expect not to hear barking with that many houses that close either. As I asked myself, would you rather that alone? Or to return to the mainstream where you have even more dogs that aren’t allowed indoors, plus screaming kids, plus loud music? Well, I definitely don’t miss the large families, the college kids, or the welfare bums that would make our lives a living hell at the expense of our hard-earned tax dollars. Well, Tom’s if you want to get real technical. It’s just that as a married couple, you’re a team, and so you tend to say “we” and “our” and “us.”

Another thing that sucked was that the electricity was turned off and it was a cloudy day. Therefore, it was hard to really see that much. It was a bit old and big for us, but other than that damn paneling we’d want to paint out and brighten up, I liked many aspects of the place. Those 6-12 barking fits I’d hear each day that’d last 5-10 minutes and add up to over an hour a day may really suck, but I think there’d be a lot more good in it than bad. It can’t possibly be noisy at night. We’d have to see it with better lighting.

Also, closing costs were twice as much as we thought they’d be, and they want to raise the space rent by nearly $100 more than we expected, too. So again, I don’t know if we’ll take this house. I only know that I am getting seriously sick of this shit. It’s frustrating when every place has a problem while every place that has major potential is either too far, too expensive, or gets an offer before we get a chance to make one. There’s no doubt in my mind that we’re meant to live in noisy places that are just ok, but at least it would be ours and a few hundred bucks cheaper a month than this place. Besides, nobody’s dog is going to bark 24/7.

So far the only two places I’ve seen in person that really spoke to me and really grabbed my excitement were the Newcastle one and the one with the fucked up roof that was insanely big.

Tom wants to look at a smaller, older doublewide in Newcastle tomorrow. It’s in the same park the ideal one was in only it’s almost right on the lake. Not sure we could see the lake from the house, though, and while it is a corner lot, a road wraps around it and I may actually have more trouble sleeping there than in the barking house. With sound machines going and the bedroom being in the back, I should sleep through all the barking just fine. This one, I’m not so sure of, though. Still… as frustrating and as long as it’s been taking, we keep looking and looking and looking…

We’re having a surprise cool spell with some rain, but after tomorrow it’ll be warm and sunny again.

Thinking of seeing the house tomorrow, and again I’m wondering, are we going to see our home, or are we wasting our time? Even if we agree to take it, we don’t know that they’ll accept our offer or that the park will accept us. The fact that it’s been a while since we’ve heard from the credit people about the one negative thing left on the report we’re disputing is a good sign, though I still don’t expect to get into our favorite park. In that park, we’d have to buy something we could afford outright because the space rents are higher. Coincidentally, they haven’t had any such thing since I got my money.

I still say we’re safer with something that’s not totally ideal. If it’s at least somewhat noisy, we wouldn’t be as quick to lose it. I know it may sound funny, but I still feel that the more we like a place, the more something up there will be tempted to take it away from us. I have lived in somewhat noisy to insanely noisy places almost all my adult life, so it’s obviously A, important to whatever’s up there that I do so, and B, meant to be. I’m not saying this place would be “noisy,” but I still wouldn’t be surprised if dogs and kids could be heard in back at least somewhat. Or at least “happen” to be heard when we happen to get there if we do go there.

One of Tom’s coworkers said she used to live in that area and that empty space has been there forever. She said it’s a mellow neighborhood and the only nuisance would be the traffic because there’s a high school and a grade school in the area. This may be true, but she can’t possibly know what can be heard in that house. Only the houses along that strip would know if there’s any significant noise from in back. Things can start off quiet and then change. I’ve noticed that most of the neighbors who have moved in next to me started off fine, then 4-6 months later they would change for the worse. Do I think someone will build a house in that space if we move there? I don’t know, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they did. Andy said his mother said location is the most important thing, but I think that’s only part of it. The right location with the wrong neighbors can make a world of difference.

But I don’t want to judge the place without seeing it first. I like the pics I’ve seen of the place, the way Tom described it when he saw it, and the lower space rent. Knowing how noise tends to follow me no matter where I go and that if it weren’t one thing it’d just be another, I think we should just focus on the house and overall location. No one can count on always having good neighbors anyway. You could move in with good neighbors who end up moving a few months later. It’s happened to me enough times to know this. Homeowners tend to be more civilized than renters, so to be surrounded by owners for once instead of always having at least one rental next to us, will be a refreshing change. I don’t know that none of the houses in back are rentals, though, and they can still have barking dogs and screaming kids, but we’ll just have to wait and see what vibes I get from actually seeing the place in person tomorrow afternoon.

It had been a long time since I checked MD’s most popular list, and so I checked last night and found I’m back on it. I had fallen off when I stopped using MD for a while. I’m sure my stalkers help keep me on the list now that I’m using the site regularly enough. That reminds me… I’m still torn between continuing with public journaling, or dropping it to at least semi-public when we finally do get the hell out of here. It’s just that one of my stalkers is a corrupt ex-cop. I don’t know for a fact that he’s stalking me. The pig isn’t going to let me know if he is, of course, but it’s a very real possibility. Then again, maybe it’s better to risk one of these nuts showing up at my door so I can get them out of my life for good, not that I’m going around posting sensitive info or anything like that. It’s just that the more I say about wherever we end up, the more likely I am to be found, so I have to be careful, even though he’d probably have already come after me if he were going to do so. Sometimes I wonder why he hasn’t. I cost him his job after all. But then I know I’m not the only one he victimized through the law. Therefore, if he went after everyone who had a hand in his firing, wouldn’t that make him more than obvious? Well, I’m not running and hiding, either way.

Someone asked if I ever get picked on for not driving. Sometimes, but not too often. Not like I have about the sleep thing as people are just like that at times. If they can’t “see” it or understand it, then you don’t have it. Period. Not unless you mention basic everyday aches and pains like headaches and period cramps, or more common diseases like diabetes.

In the early 90s, I had a one-nighter with a girl named Ann Marie right before I left MA, then another one right after I moved to CT, and she had a very hard time accepting my driving phobia. One night we spoke on the phone and after I hung up I was sad to realize we’d spent the bulk of the discussion with her harping on why it was oh so bad that I didn’t drive, and listing all the reasons why I should drive. I also realized that she was a lot unhappier with her own life than I’d initially given her credit for, for I still believe that those who judge others aren’t very happy with their own lives. If it doesn’t affect you directly, what do you care? And if you are put out by it to a degree and you have a problem with it, then do you really care about the person?

Just days after her “lecture” I ended up having both a mental and physical breakdown and would be hospitalized for a week or so before moving to Arizona. Had I stuck around, though, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to see her again. She was only interested in what she thought I could become, not who I was. It’s ok to ask a person about something or suggest something to them, but if you don’t get the response you want, let it go, ok? They are who they are and it’s probably for a reason. No, I’m not perfect, and yes, sometimes there are things I want to change about myself – some of which I can change and some of which are out of my control – but my shortcomings and imperfections are part of what makes me human.

I don’t see a problem, for example, if a couple with a lot of money chooses not to work. If it’s a mutual agreement that’s not hurting anyone, who are we to judge them any more than we should judge who people marry? How couples live should be up to them. Yet everyone’s so big on being “normal.” They’re afraid to be who they are, even if that’s a bit unique or if they may be seen as weird. As they say, those that don’t mind matter, those that do mind don’t matter. As I’ve learned in life, those who pick on others, be it for being fat, poor, blind, deaf, or something else, probably have the same exact problem.

When Alison said she read my MD journal from the beginning but found it hard to follow, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. I really was a shitty writer back then. I stated the facts, but not the details, leaving one to wonder who the hell certain people are and all that. But little did I know in 1987 that my journals would one day be available for the world to see. I certainly didn’t write them with that in mind, so I didn’t bother to explain much.

Still no weekend barking, though I did hear about 20 seconds of barking Friday night. Something probably temporarily stirred them up, though, cuz if he’d taken off and no one else was home, there’d have been a helluva lot more than just 20 seconds.

My dreams didn’t tell me anything about moving, but my mother was alive again. She lived in an apartment for old people. It was small and only had a living room with a kitchen along one wall, plus a windowless bedroom. I was thinking of ways to get her back to the Land of the Dead without getting caught when I woke up.

Tom is doing an experiment he read online to get rid of pit stains on shirts. You soak them in white vinegar for a half-hour, then you wash them. Bleach is actually supposed to be bad for them. They also need to be air-dried when doing this treatment.

Today’s South Carolina’s turn to look at my jail entry. Oh, now Canada.

Tom saw the house and said he liked 90% of what he saw. I’m to see it on Tuesday. The only negative that could turn out to be a very serious negative is that it backs up to about an acre of empty land. I’m sure that if we took this place something up there would be quick to see to it that a house with large loud mutts kept outside 24/7, was put up. Could be a little noisy right now as there are a few houses that are between 150-300 feet away, so I’d expect to hear some barking and kids in the distance. Wish I could show Nane and Andy but Google and Bing are off on its exact location and it’d be hard to describe to them exactly where it is.

Anyway, despite some noise from back there and the potential for even more, I’m taking the first place that will take us. If it was against a parking lot or a playground, then no, but I know the “perfect” place doesn’t exist and that all places are going to have some negatives. I know this may sound funny, but the more ideal it was, the more I’d fear we’d lose it somehow.

Only the master bedroom (which Tom said is so big the bed will look like a toy in it), is in the back. I have to sleep with sound machines anyway just to drown out his snoring, the microwave, planes and other small/distant sounds, so since that room would only be occupied when sleeping, it wouldn’t matter. That room would buffer the rest of the place from anything going on in back.

No sense in going into detail about something we might not get, so I’ll just say that it goes with the dreams more than the Newcastle place did. It’s an 18K short sale house in which we were thinking of offering 15K if the park will take us and they’ll accept the offer. That is, assuming we both agree we want it after I see it. The realtor (another typical blond 40-something) is going out of town, so it’s not going to have many showings between now and 4:30 on Tuesday afternoon.

The space rent is low and it’s a 1440-square-foot, 3-bed, 2-bath with a screen room. Well, that’s what she called it anyway, even though it had finished walls and windows. This isn’t included in the square footage.

The house doesn’t look dumpy, but there is paneling throughout, some of which was painted. The carpet is a little worn, but not too bad. We’d probably replace it as soon as we could, though, plus upgrade the windows. We’d have to get a refrigerator, washer and dryer right away cuz this place doesn’t have one. It only has a dishwasher. That’s all I’ll say until and if we do get it for sure. Well, besides the fact that this one wall would be perfect for a mural. :)

After I see the house – assuming we both decide we want it – I should get slammed with dreams if this is it, and I should know it before we know it. :)

Today it was Mesa, AZ along with Methuen, MA to access my jail entry.

Mary and Maliheh are still ignoring my email, and Kim’s back with the questions on Ask. Yeah, I knew she would be. This time it was to ask where Andy was.

I slept 7 wonderfully solid, dreamless hours. I can’t believe how well I slept. I wouldn’t need as much sleep if I could sleep like that every night.

More good news – Tom has the WHOLE weekend off! We still plan to be pretty busy running errands and checking houses.

Today Chandler, AZ accessed my jail blog, again, probably by Googling it.

So the jury’s begun deliberating the Jodi Arias case. I have a feeling I won’t agree with the outcome. Arizona, along with so many other states, doesn’t seem to take violent crimes nearly as seriously as they should while they take non-violent ones very seriously. So, since the law rarely seems to do the right thing, I’m guessing she’ll be out in 25 years or less. If the jury is smart, though, they’ll see her for the 1st-degree murderer that she is and promptly stick a needle in the bitch. I just can’t see that happening, though. She might get 1st degree instead of 2nd, but I can’t see her getting the death penalty. Even if she did, so what? They’re not going to kill her. That’s why I had to laugh at reports that boast and brag about how “successful” the DA was in getting some other woman the death penalty. If he’s so successful, though, then why is the killer still alive 13 years later? So before he or others brag about his accomplishment in her case, wait till the bitch is dead, ok?

Even if she does get 25 years, well, 25 years is a long time. If 6 months could seem like 6 years, 25 years has got to seem like forever.

Tom’s got an appointment to see a place at a park we’ve never been to tomorrow at 9am. As always, since he’s the one who has to qualify, it’s not critical that I be there too, unless it’s got major potential. We’ll both be going on Sunday morning to run errands and look at places.

Neither Mary nor Maliheh has picked up my email. I wonder if they’re both going to just forever ignore anything that comes in from me. Still can’t believe Mary would turn on me like this. Maliheh yes, but Mary? I say she was threatened by her PO.

I slept absolutely shitty last night and am a bit tired today. Not sure if I feel up to doing my daily run. For now, I’m just writing and doing some housework. I was plagued with tons of negative dreams all night long. I don’t get them either. Other than Tom working enough OT for us to live off of and things taking forever to happen, life is great. Yet I had dreams about how slow the move is taking, and a couple that may’ve involved me being in trouble of some kind. I can see the dreams about moving, but being in trouble? I haven’t broken any laws and my worst “crime” is that I sometimes say things people don’t like or agree with. So if these dreams have any meaning at all, I’m obviously missing the point.

Tom drove by an older yet nice park on the way home yesterday and if anything he’s even more confused. Well, I’m getting more and more frustrated and wondering for the millionth time if we should give up or just grab something we can buy outright right now. I’m tired of waiting on things like credit reports, to see if we can qualify for a loan, etc.

I can’t shake the feeling that something up there would rather see us continue to live like bums in someone else’s trashy old trailer, and if I’m right, that’s kind of sad and insulting. Even a bit scary. What could we have possibly done to make whatever’s up there be so against us?

I guess Tom is confused due to all the options out there, but I don’t think we’ll have many options in the end. I still think we’re headed for an old dump we buy outright in a park that’s not as nice but also not as picky about credit. As I told Nane, though, even that “dump” would be spacious and heavenly compared to this, and I wouldn’t mind not having mortgage payments and fixing it up. I just want a place that’s OURS and not some pesky landlord’s.

Alison brought up a very good point. Because Mary blocked me from her main account, she may not have seen the comment I left on her advocacy wall. I totally didn’t think of that. She’s also ignored my email and hasn’t appeared to check in on MO or my blog there. But if it weren’t for my highly intelligent, observant and wonderfully sane friend, I’d still be worrying something was very wrong mit dem verdammt hündin.

I thought about it some more last night and decided that this is it. This is the second time she’s walked out of my life and I’m not going to have people just casually breeze in and out of my life or only come around when they want something. I stopped hearing from her about two years before her release and figured she either dumped me or was ordered not to contact me since we were cellies in Phoenix. But then when she reached out to me on Facebook last fall and I told her I thought she’d dumped me, she said, “Are you kidding? You’re like a sister to me.”

So why someone that always told me how wonderful I was, how much they loved me, and that I was getting along with just fine, would suddenly up and cut me out of their life, is beyond me. But it doesn’t surprise me. That’s what Kathy and Maliheh did, so I guess it’s only a matter of time before I find out who’s next. My own parents started dumping me when I was just 15, so it’s nothing new. Just weird at times. Especially when it’s those you least expect.

First I was curious, then I was worried, and now I feel both betrayed and angry to have been discarded like an old dishrag. So if she reads my MO blog, she will know that I wish her well but do not want her back in my life. Part-time friends aren’t my thing and she’s part of why I stopped making any new ones. I have enough friends right now (until they too, disappear).

Despite having bitched about those with multiple FB accounts, I almost wished I had one too, so I could see for myself if I’d been blocked or they deactivated. I’d still be thinking something scared her offline if it weren’t for my informant.

I also wish I were telepathic so I could know what my friends REALLY think of me. But that’s never been one of my departments in the psychic world and lately, I’m beginning to doubt I’m psychic at all. Oh well. I’ll be around until they get sick of me.

I was telling Andy how I could understand some of the German in the movie I saw last night and his reply of “danka shein” nearly had me spitting coffee all over my monitor as I had just taken a sip of it when I read that.

Yesterday Nane taught me 3 new words, blöd, Schmetterling and troslos. With her in my life, I can’t help but keep learning, haha. I giggled to myself when I remember Ida suggesting I learn German and I said, “That ugly shit? No thanks.”

Guess it’s a little late for that now, huh? It may still be ugly, but it’s still fun, too. The only part that’s no fun at all is the damn grammar. I am one doof Mädchen in that department.

Yesterday’s trip to the bank was probably a waste of time. I still think in the end we’re going to have to settle for an older, dumpier place that we can buy outright because I’m not so sure we can get a loan. Also, if we can get a loan the amount and the interest rate may be too high for us to afford on top of the space rent, so this is why I have my doubts will end up in our top pick of parks and a nicer, newer place. That and the fact that nothing ever works out easily enough for us. Nobody gives us anything and the cookies never happen to crumble in our favor, making things run smoothly for us. There are always all kinds of obstacles and delays thrown at us to make the ride bumpier for us and to ensure that we don’t quite arrive at the destination we wanted.

But that’s ok. Even the oldest, dumpiest of homes will be heaven compared to this little old shitbox, and a can of paint can cure those snot greens, piss yellows and diarrhea browns that were so popular in the 60s and 70s.

One house that was listed yesterday was not only old and ugly, but it claimed to have 12K worth of cigarette smoke damage and that the owner died “peacefully” in it since the Full Disclosure laws require them to report such things. That wouldn’t bother me, though I don’t know about a place where someone was murdered. Then again that probably wouldn’t bother me either. I’m still not sure there is an afterlife that could really spawn evil spirits that could haunt places. If there was such a thing as life after death, then why haven’t our loved ones or friends who have died made a point of letting us know about it? Why aren’t we sure of it if it really exists? Being unaware of something may not mean it doesn’t exist, but I have my doubts at times on this one.

Tom discovered another park about 30 miles south of Sac that isn’t a co-op park where everyone owns a share, but where you own your home AND the lot it’s on. That would be wonderful, but it’d take him nearly an hour to get to work. Funny how the best of deals just “happen” to be out of reach. Again, whatever’s up there that’s determined to hold us here isn’t going to pave the way home for us. It isn’t going to make it easy at all. But we still have to try to see if we can get into our preferred park even if it’s a long shot, and see if we can get a loan for a nicer place. If it’s looking hopeless by the end of the month, that’s when we’ll grab something in a decent enough park that we can afford outright. As long as everything in it works and the guts of the place are in sound order, we can give it all the cosmetic surgery we want.

There is some potentially good news, though, and that’s that we still haven’t heard back about the credit dispute (the rental company in Oregon saying we owe $200). Tom said that the longer it takes, the more likely it is to be removed from your credit report. They have to contact them and ask them for proof we know they don’t have, so hopefully that’s what’s taking so long. It’s a common scam rental companies pull. Instead of refunding your deposit, they claim you owe them instead.

Later…

Forgot to say in my last entry that, unlike some branches, our local bank “happens” not to do manufactured home loan deals. They’ll only do them if you’re buying land to put them on, not looking to buy one in a park. So it’s either a personal loan or no loan. I’m still going with no loan in the end and buying a place outright. I think that’ll be our only choice, but on the bright side, we won’t have mortgage payments on top of space rent to pay.

It’s weird glancing at other people’s journals that are older than me and reading that their parents and all their siblings are still alive. I don’t miss my parents or brother, but with just one sibling and a few nieces and cousins left, my family sure is shrinking. I may have a couple of aunts and an uncle out there still, but they never gave a shit about me.

Still no word from Mary, who completely ignored my wall post on her advocacy page. Whatever’s going on with her, though, I’m not going to sweat it. Although I may wonder why she’s avoiding me, I know she must have her reasons, whatever they are. So I have “unliked” her page, and I will either hear from her again or I won’t.

No weekend barking at night last weekend, but the scattered barks I’ve been hearing during the daytime tells me that whoever was staying with the Jes pest that left, hasn’t returned.