Yesterday I felt so much better. My day started off slightly borderline and then I felt great. I didn’t take anything at all yesterday. Today I took my levothyroxine and sure enough, towards the middle of my day, I can feel the anxiety picking up. I still think the statins likely compounded it, but for the millionth time, what the fuck is wrong with me??? I thought about it and came up with 7 possibilities which I’ve listed below.

Low thyroid
Medication/brands
Hormones
Stress
Developed anxiety disorder
Location
Something else

Okay, now let’s analyze them one at a time. The low thyroid itself seems unlikely because my thyroid didn’t fail the day before I was diagnosed. I’m almost positive it was low for a few years before they tested it.

As I said, the statins may have compounded it and I don’t doubt that I’ve had issues with different brands. But these thyroid pills are Sandoz, so it got me thinking about the inconsistencies I read about and how generic manufacturers aren’t as consistent as name brands. Could my anxiety be worse because I got an extra potent batch? It’s still ironic that my problems with anxiety didn’t start until a few months after I started this shit.

As for hormones and stress, it seems a bit much to be those things. I’ve never heard of any case of hormonal changes that a woman goes through at my age being this bad and even my doctor said she didn’t think it was only about that.

Also, I’ve been faced with MUCH more stressful situations than moving and having appointments, yet I never went through this before. Besides, you typically handle stressful situations better with age, not worse.

Analyzing the possibility of developing an anxiety disorder…possible but unlikely. People do develop different disorders at different ages in life, so I realize that it’s a possibility even if it still seems unlikely to me. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s my gut instinct that’s telling me that’s not it.

Then there is the least likely possibility and that has to do with being so close to a cemetery or something about this house or the general area itself. That would be the best thing it could be, but I highly doubt this one the most.

The last possibility I thought of this some other underlying health condition that hasn’t been discovered yet that could be causing this but that too, doesn’t seem likely.

I think the main culprits are connected to the medications and wacky hormones but hopefully not that I developed an anxiety disorder or that it’s become how my body reacts to low thyroid because if the last two are even remotely possible, then I’m forever doomed for sure.

I just wish I knew what things were having a hand in it and how much of a hand they have! Really starting to fear this is never going to go away no matter how postmenopausal I become.

If I absolutely had to guess right now, I would say the number one culprit is connected to the medication somehow. I think there are probably just inconsistencies from bottle to bottle and maybe even from pill to pill, I don’t know. Runner-up to that would be hormones still changing.

I may skip again tomorrow and see how I feel. If I feel better on days I skip, then that tells me something. I haven’t decided for sure yet. Of course I don’t want to be anxious, but I don’t want to be hypo either. But to think my life is going to be a constant battle of Would You Rather? makes me want to beat my fucking head into the wall.

The only good thing is that if I continue to feel this way after the move, then I can narrow the list down to 6 possibilities.

Tom applied for a few jobs and there was a casino job he thought might actually be fun where you walk around with a cart with change for people and all that. Yeah, but I’d hate for him to be around all that second-hand smoke and I also hate the idea of him working before he’s vaccinated. It would also take time away from the prepping and all that and dealing with realtors. Really hope he won’t have to work until after the move and only if he wants to for extras like going on cruises.

I don’t think Virginia’s home. At 9 o’clock I looked over there and there wasn’t any light on, yet she never goes to bed that early. I hope nothing’s wrong for her sake, almost 88 or not!

The frames came today, and we framed the palm trees diamond painting I finished last night. It looks great! Had to put purple poster board behind it because it was a little narrow for the frame. The length was perfect, though.

The two unicorn diamond paintings came today as well which I plan to do for Aly’s birthday.

Ordered a 12x12 painting of various mandalas for myself and a set of 6 Freshly Baked fragrance oils - Blueberry Pancakes, Caramel Nut Muffin, Butterscotch Cookie Dough, Cinnabon, Chocolate Fondue, Creamy Nutmeg.

So I got really bad last night, and then it stopped. Just stopped. I don’t get it. It was almost like the panic attack without the panic where it peaked and then fizzled out. Only I didn’t have the racing heart, shaking, or feel like I was going to die. Just ran and got a big mouthful of turkey which I had forgotten I had.

Tryptophan seems like it helps better than alcohol. I hadn’t had any wine for over a week just in case it might have been contributing to my anxiety even though I didn’t think it was. But I picked up some Moscato today.

I read a report on some studies conducted and there are a number of reports of statin users reporting feelings of anxiety and depression. Not as much as irritability, but still. We know that for some reason I’ve gotten sensitive to medication and certain brands as well. And it’s quite a coincidence that I got really bad after taking the statin I took last night. So I’m taking a break again and this time it’s going to be for a lot longer than just a few days. I still think there are multiple contributors to the anxiety, but I think that could be a significant source and I don’t want to take any chances. I’d totally rather not be on statins and end up dropping dead of a stroke or heart attack than take statins and feel so horribly bad. If I literally could have snapped my fingers and been dead, I wouldn’t have hesitated.

Thinking back to how bad I was when I first started on both drugs in 2014, it kind of makes sense. If I was on the brands that make me more anxious at the same time and going through perimenopause, I can see where that would have created the perfect storm.

I decided to layer my hair and it looks a little better. All I did was brush the hairs from the crown of my head straight upward and trim the ends.

It’s Andy’s 59th birthday tomorrow so I’m going to wish him a happy birthday soon.

Nothing like begging a God who doesn’t exist (or doesn’t care to hear me) to please not let me be anxious just to end up anxious anyway. I’ve done everything I can think of to help myself yet it’s gotten me nowhere. The only thing I’m not willing to do is schedule an appointment with some foreign shrink that can’t see me for half a year to discuss drugs that are either addicting, have horrible side effects, or stop working after a while.

Yesterday’s anxiety was mild but it was still noticeable. Seems to be coming more toward the end of my day rather than the middle lately for whatever reason. That is, until today. Today I woke up feeling a mix of anxiety, depression, and fatigue but later perked up briefly. Was it cuz of the pot lotion? The anxiety oil? The dark chocolate? Something else? I wish I knew!

The darkness goes on with no end in sight. Every time I start to feel better, I get that weird feeling again. That anxious, depressive feeling. I just can’t believe I’m going through this shit and that I’ve become this way. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. It’s like something up there really wants me to have some form of long-term suffering or another. Just wish we could please go back to the days of it being external. If it wasn’t for this shit, my worst problems would be occasional boredom and noise.

Anxious or not, there’s still the stress of the upcoming appointments and plenty of stress over the move. So many things could go wrong, and well, things are never easy for us. Just rehoming the pigs may be harder than we thought. There are a surprising number of shelters that say they don’t take guinea pigs and there aren’t as many no-kill shelters as we thought there would be. We’re still going to contact a guinea pig rescue service but they may have to go to a shelter that will put them to sleep. Of course we would prefer for that not to happen but if God forbid it does, at least they won’t know it’s coming and they’ll die an easy death compared to a natural one. I wish we could all die by simply falling asleep, never waking up, and never knowing when it’s going to happen.

I still fear that this is more than changing hormones and am coming to doubt whether either medication is responsible for it because of the way the anxiety isn’t consistent. Oh, I still know I had problems with the thyroid medication when I first started it and I still think I did have some brand issues where that’s concerned but I don’t think the statins cause my latest round of anxiety. In fact, I went back on them tonight.

This is definitely the worst spell I’ve had in ages and it’s truly worrisome. It makes me wonder if there’s some other health issue going on that could be causing it. From what I read, not only can thyroid disease cause it but so can diabetes, heart disease and others. And again, it’s still possible I simply up and became this way and developed an anxiety disorder but I sure as hell hope that’s not the case and that it isn’t a forever thing. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and that things do change, but that’s not a hundred percent true. My thyroid disease is going to last forever and so is my TMJ.

I’ve had 17 anxious days so far this year. That’s about half as many as I had last year! Something’s wrong. This is absolutely horrible. The anxiety is getting more intense as I write this and I’m scared. My mind keeps pinging back and forth between all the possibilities… the meds, the brand, hormones, an anxiety disorder I developed, my thyroid, some other health issue… I feel like I’m about to go completely insane! It’s like I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I’m trying to keep from freaking out because I just don’t know what to do anymore. It used to be easy even when it was hard. It was easy because I knew what the problem was be it poverty or problem neighbors or whatever. But now I don’t know what the fuck my enemy is and what to do about it. I just know I’m tired of suffering and not knowing what the fuck to do. I just tried tapping and nothing helps.

“You’re such a good detective,” Andy told me because he never noticed the address on his cover picture, and the reason it’s there is that it reminded him of Connecticut. LOL, that’s exactly where I thought it was, too.

He missed me laughing at his weather. That feel-good kind of laughter, he said which always put him in a good mood.

He said he’s still sober, clean, self-employed, and happy with his life and where he lives. Yes, winter sucks but he can’t handle the heat as well as he used to, he told me. Neither can I but I guess that’s because I’m not young and skinny anymore and definitely because my medication can make you sensitive to heat. I still tolerate heat a hell of a lot better than cold.

He said he thinks of moving to the coast of Florida someday but doesn’t know if he actually will.

He also says he’s working on his food addiction. Yeah, I thought he might have had a food addiction way back when. Food was all he would talk about besides God and Stevie.

I’m not at all surprised Trump was acquitted again. Really, why bother to have these “trials?” They’re about as pointless as protests. It seems some people really are above the law. However, as much as I wish Trump would just drop dead, he really isn’t responsible for other people’s actions. Someone can tell me to kill someone all they want, but if I actually act on it, I’m the only one responsible for my actions. Not anyone else. These were grown adults who should have known right from wrong. No one forced them to riot. They chose to do it on their own. Trump may be a shitty influence that deserves to be slowly tortured to death but not directly responsible from a legal standpoint.

Aly says Kim finally wrote her and had a COVID-19 scare but is okay. Yeah, I figured as much. I knew she would be just fine. As horrendously huge as she is, she probably won’t develop any serious health issues until the day before she dies.

The pair of unicorn diamond paintings, along with frames for larger diamond paintings, and a small amethyst healing stone with an indentation for the thumb are on their way. Of course I don’t think it will work but it was only seven bucks and I’m desperate as hell.

So I did hear back from Andy but first things first…I keep ending up liking and wanting to keep the diamond paintings I plan to send Aly for her birthday, LOL. So now I have two owl paintings that were going to be hers. I’m getting a two-pack of unicorns for her instead that I’m at least reasonably sure I wouldn’t want to keep for myself.

We’re going to be getting some frames for the big one I’m still doing. I should be finished with it in a few days or so. He saw a tutorial on framing diamond paintings where you get colored poster board to slip behind it in a frame that’s bigger than the painting and you have that color for a border. That way you don’t have to worry about a precise fit.

Tom’s been slaving away at the floor in the small bathroom. The foam tiles are coming up easily and the vinyl tiles are coming up easily, but the adhesive isn’t. There’s a horrible sticky film all over the floor that he’s slowly trying to scrape and mop up. It’s probably going to take multiple moppings. Now he’s trying the carpet cleaner on it.

I finally ran out of patience with long hair and cut it off myself. It’s barely to my shoulders but looks okay and is MUCH easier to manage. It poofs out a bit but I don’t want to layer it myself. I keep it in a ponytail most of the time anyway, and a salon can straighten it out for me in a couple of months or so. I just didn’t want to deal with the length for another couple of months.

Good to see the critical cases slipping under 100K for the first time in a while. We should be a month or two away from vaccinations.

Aly and Cam did The Return to Sender spell yesterday and I’m hoping it helps them the way it’s helped us.

I remained calm yesterday which is something I have mixed emotions about. Of course I don’t want to feel anxious under any circumstances for any reason, but I also don’t want it to be a brand issue either. It’s too soon to say for sure either way, though.

So I awoke to a few funny memes and a few messages from Andy which sort of surprised me. I mean it did, but it didn’t. He swears it wasn’t him that said, “Jodi gets free stuff always” or “Tom’s the worker bee silly rabbit,” on MD years ago. Unless he did and simply isn’t remembering it, the one thing he’s never been guilty of is being a liar. He’s actually always been pretty honest with me.

I guess it could have been anyone since, after all, a woman in the US is seen as bad for not working as a woman in India is for not having kids. It just seemed a little too personal, almost as if it was someone close to me. And the “silly rabbit” comment seemed like something he would make as well. Doesn’t seem like any family members would say that, and those currently in my life aren’t judgmental otherwise they wouldn’t be in it. IDK, maybe it was a random reader. I’ll never know. But women do get bashed for having kids these days and twice as much for not having a job outside of the house, even if they still work from home. Other than when there’s a lockdown going on of course.

He admits to being judgmental and that his family and I have accused him of being negative and that everyone seems to expect perfection from him. He said why not just accept him as he is? Also, the thing that would bother him most was when I expect him to agree with everything.

I never expected him to agree with everything. Just to keep in mind that sometimes there’s a difference between an opinion and a fact. I think, though, that we all can be judgmental and negative at times, so I can understand that much. I mean even if we don’t always voice them, it’s only human nature to form judgments and opinions on what we hear and see.

He apologized for pressuring me to be in constant contact years ago. Aly used to do that to me too. He says although he doesn’t know why he was like that, he realizes it was wrong and says he’s just as busy as I was then. Well, I don’t know if I was always busy, but I do try to keep myself occupied so I don’t get bored and out of shape. Still, anytime I feel smothered isn’t a good thing. We all need some breathing space.

He said what he loves most about me is my silly sense of humor and that no one else has ever made him laugh as much as I have. But in so many ways my mind is creative in devious ways, many of which he participated in and that scared him and made him question being friends with someone who was capable of being that way.

Oh, the deviant shit I admit I used to pull in the past without blinking an eye that I would never even think of doing these days due to either feeling guilty or worried about Karma getting me for it. Like writing “fuck you” on Andrea’s IRS statement that was accidentally put in my mailbox at the Vista Ventana before returning it. But never think that deviance doesn’t live on in my mind, though, for it does. Oh, the things I do to some people in my mind!

Regardless, he always remembers our history and that it dates back to the late '60s, and loves being friends with people who knew him for that long. Precisely why I would never tell him that in many ways, Aly is the bestie he never was or could be. Because I know that would hurt since we’ve met face-to-face and go back to the '60s as opposed to a cyber friendship that goes back to 2008. But even though Andy will always be like family to me, I know which one I’d choose in a heartbeat if I had to!

2008 was the year he said Adam dumped him and he’s not sure he would ever want to resume a friendship with him but for some reason I’m different and he does want to be my friend. He said he visited Marla in 2018 and would have loved to take the train up to Sacramento once again. Yeah, I admit that would’ve been nice.

I think it would be good to keep in touch every now and then rather than be so all or nothing. I can’t say that I’ll ever consider him the bestie I once considered him to be but more like the bestie of the 20th century while Aly’s the bestie of the 21st century.

Oh, the obvious differences in their intelligence levels! He says he doesn’t know why I think he’s in Ohio. He’s still in Springfield, Massachusetts, and loving every second of it. Ah, but does he not realize the address on his cover photo? Obviously not, LOL.

He said he remembers when he sang me the song How Do You Do and I was so excited because I’d forgotten that song.

And again I forgot about that song, LOL…until he just mentioned it. We used to sing it to each other at the beach when we were kids, he said, although I don’t remember that much.

As far as that deviant thing goes, he mentioned a guy at the Vista that would call him a faggot and that I wrote a letter anonymously to say that I knew where he was and was going to come and get him, and then he moved in the middle of the night and we were laughing about it and all that. At first I had absolutely no recollection of who he was talking about. I’m still not sure I know who he’s talking about but it does sound like something I would have done. My best guess is the pervert who lived next to me when I had the ground-floor studio. Hated that bastard! And I hated the guy above me because he walked like an elephant. Andrea would end up worse than both of them, though. But he must be talking about Mark. Robert was the guy above me, but Mark…that must be the 6-foot-plus perve I, barely 100 pounds soaking wet at the time, must’ve scared off. Haha!

Mark was a definite hater, alright…gays, blacks, poor people…he hated them all. Didn’t we red-bra him, though? It seems like my parents sent a package and we took some of the things we didn’t want and left them by people’s doors just to baffle them, and I swear I took a red lacy bra that was too big for me and left it hanging on his door, LOL.

I mentioned putting the house on the market and he said with confidence that we’ll get a great offer in just one day because the house is beautiful, but I think he forgets that manufactured homes don’t have the value that on-site built homes have, plus it is outdated.

I would have had the answers if I’d just been able to speak clearly! I had the information in my dreams. I excitedly told the dream people our moving date but was so choked up with emotion and crying happy tears that I could barely talk. Right now I have a mild vibe about getting an offer in April and moving in June but it’s not as strong as the flying vibes and dreams I’ve had. He was comparing costs between flying and different ground variations and right now it is looking more likely that we will fly. If that’s true, it will be interesting to see if it’s first-class like in the dream and if the window is to my left.

Here’s the most interesting and amazing thing he told me. Well, we switched to leaving voice messages because it’s easier. He sounds great and very easy to understand, as always. Can’t deny that they put a big smile on my face just like when he would leave voice messages on the old-fashioned answering machines we had in our apartments back in the 80s. He thanked me for that classic laugh of mine.

Anyway, back when he started popping up in my dreams, I remembered how he once told me that people that know each other sense when they’re on each other’s minds and he would often pick up the vibes when someone was thinking of him and vice versa. I wondered if him being in my dreams like that all of a sudden meant that he’d been thinking of me. Well, it turns out that he hadn’t thought of me in months, and then last October he started dreaming about me a lot and asking himself what the hell is going on? Is she thinking of me? Is she going to come back into my life? And then he told himself nah, she’s never going to contact me ever again. But now, here I am. Way cool but makes me wonder why the termites are on my mind every day. I certainly don’t miss them and I would never under any circumstances ever take them back into my life for any reason, but I wonder if it’s because they’re thinking of me constantly that’s got them on my mind regularly or if it’s just my anger that has them on my mind so much. Probably the latter. I’ll get things off my chest when I feel the time is right and that will purge some of the anger even though I’ll never forgive them.

I’m getting a little worried about Aly because I didn’t hear from her all day yesterday and I haven’t heard anything yet today. She probably just had a bad day, and she does do this every now and then so I would be willing to bet I’ll hear from her later on this afternoon. I would think that if something was really wrong, Cam would let me know if she was unable to and that if she didn’t want anything to do with me for whatever reason, she would tell me even though she did ghost Molly. Or so she says anyway. She hasn’t mentioned her or Kim lately.

Went out walking on this pleasant cloudy day and it’s nice to see all the apple and cherry trees in bloom already. Now I’m just waiting for the anxiety to hit. Yeah, it got me yesterday for a few hours. So out of the last 13 days, I’ve only had one day off. Decided to stop the statins and see how I do. Really don’t want it to be a brand issue but we’ll see.

Yesterday a guy that works for the park said they were replacing our water meter with something that will allow them to read it at the front of the house. Oh, so they wait till he spends all kinds of time and money trying to keep them from slamming the trap door and we’re down to a few months before the move to finally do this? Another classic example of how things tend to have such shitty timing in our lives!

Did another 2-mile walk around the perimeters of the park. Just like yesterday, Fitbit said I had 39 active minutes and walked for 38 minutes. However, my HR peaked at 133 instead of 139.

It’s kind of frustrating to cross the street to avoid someone and their dog while we’re still not vaccinated, just to have them jump across the street as well a second later. Maybe I should start taking a mask with me, especially in the area where there’s more likely to be people out with their dogs.

It was gorgeous out at nearly 60 degrees. It’ll be close to 70 later on. The air was cool but it was warm in the sun and I wished I had on shorts and a tank top instead of capris and a tee. Tomorrow will be cloudy and we might even get some rain but with the weather gradually warming up, I’ll be taking the bike out soon enough.

The best news is that after 12 anxious days in a row, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday. While that’s great, I don’t want to get my hopes up because I know it’s only going to return. It always does. The question is whether or not it returns in a day or a few weeks. There’s still nothing to say it’s ever going to go away for good. I’d have to go for at least half a year before I could finally get my hopes up and that hasn’t happened yet. Each year that it doesn’t, I lose hope that it ever will. That’s okay, though. I’m still determined to accept and adjust to it and just appreciate those good days even more. It can’t be a forever thing because I’m not going to live forever in the first place.

Either way, it’s amazing how dramatically better things have been after placing the spell. I really hope my buddy will do it as well. It may not make life perfect but it definitely stops the extremes from happening and things from being worse than usual.

I did the pink flamingo diamond painting yesterday which looks beautiful. Still not sure I want to give Aly the first one of these six-by-six paintings I did which contains an owl, so I got another owl one I might do for her. This one is a little different than the first owl painting I did.

Last night I dreamed about an island but I’m not sure if we moved to it or were contemplating moving to it. We were trying to find out how much it would cost to have the car shipped there. Not from here, but because there was no bridge or causeway, we wanted to know what this ferry would cost that you drive your car onto and that takes you back and forth to the island.

A sign of some kind? I don’t know about that but now is about the time the premonitions would start coming as we’re now down to about a month from going on the market.

He found a cute little place on an island in a wooded area in the Bahamas that you could rent for $2,600 for 3 months, but as tempting as it may be, he couldn’t work there and we wouldn’t necessarily be able to get other things we’d need. Only in the US can you help yourself to the jobs and get all kinds of services. They’re more of a take-care-of-our-own kind of country and to be honest, that’s the way it should be.

My ylang-ylang oil came today so I just threw a few drops in the diffuser. Such a lovely smell.

Managed to sleep longer but still woke up tired. First, just as I was knocking off last night, my feet were cramping up. I got so frustrated I wanted to grab a ruler and smack the shit out of the soles of my feet. I guess maybe I’m low on potassium or something. Just as soon as the bananas hurry up and ripen up, I’ll have one.

Despite being tired, we went for a 40-minute walk around the park. It was a nice walk even though it was filled with the usual symphony of small planes, big planes, helicopters, loud landscaping, and barking dogs.

Spring is in the air. An apple blossom tree down the street is already starting to bloom. Doubt we’ll have many more nights in the thirties.

I’ve not only been tired, but I’ve been so damn cold and I’m guessing that’s because of the medication skips. Thank God I didn’t need this shit in jail because it usually takes weeks of fighting for medication to get it.

Can’t say for sure if I’m going to continue the statins, but it still seems unlikely for them to be the culprit since I’m not anxious all the time and when I am, it’s usually nowhere near when I took them since I take them a few hours before bed.

I got up at 8 so today’s anxiety will probably start somewhere between 4 and 6. I really realized yesterday that there really is a damn good chance that whatever the hell is causing this isn’t going to stop and that it’s never going away. So what do I do? Well, killing myself or living with it are basically my only two choices. That’s really all I can do. Nothing any doctor has ever given me has helped and nothing I’ve tried to do on my own has helped either, and when it has, it was short-lived.

The point is that I have to finally accept and understand for once and for all that the problem is very likely mine for life. I did read that you can have anxiety and other symptoms up to two years after your last period, but I can’t count on relief at that time or at any time. I really do need to learn to assume that this is the way I’m always going to be and just enjoy the calm moments.

I realize I’ve been approaching it all wrong and that trying to run from it and escape it is a waste of time and that I need to accept it, embrace it, own it, and just quit being a wimp and start dealing with it for once and for all! I’m looking at a very hard rest of my life, yes, but when it gets to the point where I just want to scream or burst out in tears, I must remember that at least I’m mostly healthy in other ways and at least it’s only going to be for around 20 more years and not 50. Yes, even a few more years is a very long time, but I can do it and I will do it. I can learn to adapt as I’m stronger than I’ve given myself credit for. I know I can toughen up to this and that one day, the anxiety will eventually become second nature to me and all I know. I won’t be able to imagine life without it! Maybe I won’t even want to because the more we suffer, the more it toughens us up and the more special the good times become and the more we appreciate them. Yes, I will admit that a terminal diagnosis would be easier in a sense because then I know it would be just a matter of weeks or months and not years that are very likely to turn into decades. But I will toughen up to this and I will learn to live with it!

I’m so cold today although I’m not sure why. I guess I’m just hypo after the few skips I’ve recently made. Don’t know yet if I’m going to automatically skip on the 1st and 15th of every month as I had planned. It’s going to depend on how much the dark chocolate and pot lotion continues to help.

We ran out to Rite Aid where he got a few snacks and I got more dark chocolate. Didn’t get any wine. That might have actually been contributing to my anxiety.

I just wish I knew why I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights. Usually, I sleep better at night. I decided to try that lotion infused with melatonin. But I’m getting a different brand and I’m getting it from Amazon, not Walmart. It will be here tomorrow.

I’m also getting some ylang-ylang oil and a small 6x6 diamond painting similar to the owl one I just did only this one is a pink flamingo. The only thing I really like about the owl that I did that I was tempted to keep was the glowing moon and the royal blue night sky. This one has the same color sky and moon, so if the colors are similar, Aly will get the owl for her birthday since she likes owls. The colors in the pink flamingo are definitely more my thing than the colors in the owl.

Going to be unpacking, reorganizing, and then repacking my collectibles. When I told Tom this, he said that’s exactly what he was thinking of doing with some of his computer and electronic-related stuff.

Slept shitty last night so I’m kind of tired today. Tired enough to take the day off from exercising although it’s good to do once a week anyway and Sunday is when I usually do that.

I don’t know, it’s like the crystal energized me and not only did I have trouble falling asleep yesterday but I couldn’t get back to sleep when I woke up to pee 4 hours later. I then dozed on and off for about 3 hours after it took me an hour to fall back asleep.

Could be because I drank right before bed but I’m out of wine and I’m probably not going to get more anytime soon.

I remembered that the Twenties sell rocks and minerals and I asked Carolyn if she believed in healing rocks and crystals or if she thought it was silly superstition. She says she finds prayer usually helps calm her but knows others who have said they work. She doesn’t have any, though.

Not too long ago, Tom found that there was some decorative raw quartz outside. I like how mine is nicely polished and smooth to the touch. Can’t say for sure if it’s going to do me any good since I started to feel a little wound up at the end of my day yesterday. Better to have a little at the end of my day and not a lot in the middle or earlier but I just wish it would fucking stop!!!

It’s the weirdest thing because I don’t know if it’s “anxiety” per se. The only symptom I have is these random adrenaline rushes in my chest. I did read that that could be a symptom of tumors on the adrenal glands but for 4 years? It was in 2016 that the panic attacks stopped and the adrenaline rushes started. I’m sure I’ve actually had them since 2014 when this shit first began but the panic attacks would have made the feeling not stand out as much because I had other symptoms along with it. But I don’t usually have a racing heart or other symptoms with what I’ve been having since December of 2016. Just a feeling of adrenaline coming and going in waves in my chest. Tom is pretty sure it’s anxiety and not actually adrenaline because then my heart would have to be racing. Also, my old endo would have caught any tumors when she did the special adrenal tests she did.

I still say there’s got to be some physiological cause for it and while we both doubt it’s a tumor, I just wish I knew all the causes, what to do about it, if it’ll last forever, etc. The cannabis lotion I got seems to have a calming effect on me but it’s short-lived.

Dark chocolate seems like it may help a little as well but I don’t want to get carried away with the sugar. Then again I’d rather be a full-fledged diabetic before I continued to feel this horrible and the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. Even a terminal diagnosis may not seem as bad because then at least I know there would be an end to my suffering. Don’t know if anything else would lie beyond but at least I would be done with any shit here.

So I know the potential causes could be changing hormones, low thyroid, build-up of meds, new brand of statins, but I still don’t know how to fix it.

He also thinks it could be me stressing out over my schedule, upcoming appointments, and the move. But then why did my body not react this way to stressful things in the past? He thinks it’s because we change with age and anxiety manifests itself differently than it used to.

Either way, my biggest fear in life right now is that this may never go away. No way in hell I can live like this for another 20 years or so. There’s just no way.

We went out for a walk yesterday and I was warm even with my hoodie even though it was only in the 50s.

I had this feeling in the outer corner of my right eye that there might have been an eyelash stuck in my eye or something. I had Tom look at it and he said it was irritated and like there was some kind of bruise or something. So I used his natural eyedrops and that helped soothe it. Oh, to have that be my worst problem in life!

I know I said I was going to wait but then decided to unblock Andy because I’m curious to see if he notices and has anything to say. From the looks of it, he’s no longer friends with Norma unless I just can’t see him on her friend list because he’s got his friend list set to private. Can’t believe either of them would ever unfriend the other.

Rats and Mexicans dominated my dreams last night. Or at least the ones I remember.

In one dream Tom and I were holding a terrified rat that was making sounds no rat has ever made.

In the next dream, we lived literally just a few steps from the Mexican border. I heard this strange humming sound and stepped into Mexico to see what it was and found myself in a very industrialized area. I then realized someone was working on something in a factory with some kind of power tool.

Dismayed to be so close to such noise, I stepped back into the US but not before some Mexican guy saw me and followed me to get on my ass for stepping over the border.

In another dream, I woke up tired but decided to go for a walk by myself anyway. It was really early in the morning and the sun was just coming up. Disoriented from lack of sleep, I started down a hill steeper than the one we have here and then found myself turning around to head back up without even realizing it. When I finally did realize it, I figured it would be better to head home because I was too out of it from lack of sleep anyway.

Once I got up to the top of the hill where the road formed a T and before I could head left towards my house, I spotted a group of Mexican guys across the street in a wooded area. I guess they were probably Mexican. Anyway, in that second, I realized I was stark naked. I crossed my arms over my chest and was horrified when one of them noticed me before I could make the turn toward my place, and started heading in my direction.

OMG, my husband is pure genius! I just remembered the Return to Sender spell which we reapply every now and then when things aren’t going well. We’ve done it maybe half a dozen times or so since he discovered it online in 2005. Well, I’ve either suddenly become seriously bipolar or the spell is already working because I feel tremendously better. Eh, I’m sure I’ll get stabbed again sooner or later but for now, I’m enjoying feeling better after starting off my day on an anxious note. But this spell really does help. It may not make everything perfect all the time but it does help.

Where he’s a genius is in coming up with the idea of getting a rental and a job when we get to Florida rather than buying a place right away. If we sign a lease for three to six months and he gets a job, then we could qualify for a place that’s closer to 200K instead of less than 100K where our options are much more limited. There aren’t many states like Cali where you can get over 4K a month and insurance and not even work. So our income is definitely going to take a nosedive in Florida, but I jokingly said, “Hey, maybe I’ll feel better then.”

It really does seem like we traded in money woes for health issues.

My only two concerns are whether or not they’ll accept us with what money we’ll have and whether or not we can get out in three or six months, but if worse comes to worst, we go back to the original plan and just buy a cheaper place.

What also makes this plan appealing is that it gives us a chance to test drive the climate without actually being locked in. Takes a lot longer to sell a place than it does to leave a rental.

Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in over a week. Just very minimal traces of anxiety toward the end of my day. I hope I continue on an upward streak even though it won’t last more than a week or two. But if I must continue to suffer on and off from this, hopefully, it will be just one or two days a month instead of over a week.

My rose quartz necklace came yesterday and even though I still don’t see how a rock can influence things, I’m willing to try almost anything once. Most people, or at least many people, say prayer helps them. It certainly has never helped me when it comes to anxiety. So hopefully it will be different with healing crystals. If this does help, I hope it continues to because some things only seem to help for so long, like tapping. Tapping still helps. Just not as much.

Anyway, the necklace isn’t gorgeous, but it is pretty. It’s so smooth to the touch. I don’t understand why the claw clasp is the most popular when it’s the hardest to use, though. Tom was kind enough to help me switch it to a toggle clasp. Much easier!

I can say this much for sure and that’s that if there is a God that’s knowingly or intentionally causing my anxiety or that at least has the power to help me but chooses not to, it’s a real shit. Just a real shit that I’ll never forgive. Ever. But could either one really be possible? I guess no one can ever know for sure but I sure as hell hope not! What kind of God would do that to a person? What kind of anything would?

I’ve gained back a pound since I ate more yesterday because I felt better. I had three meals instead of two. Most days my body functions and feels best with around 1500 calories which maintains my current weight. But when I dip down to 1200 or lower, it drops.

As we suspected, there are additional fees at the Savanna Club in Pt Saint Lucie, so it’s almost for sure that we’re not going to get in there. I figured as much. We’re probably going to have to do some settling but I think pretty much anyone does unless they’re rich. I mean, I think we can do better than this place, but I just can’t see us ever having a place that I absolutely love and that’s nice and peaceful most of the time. Just not in my cards.

I decided to go ahead and let Andy know how I felt about some things. It was a long message too, at over 3K words. Some of it I’ve already tried to get across to him before and as they say, you can tell someone something, but you can’t always make them get it. Whether or not it sinks in this time is on him and as I told him, I don’t think he’s a bad person but I don’t think we should go back to communicating regularly either. I admit that I was sort of the liar he would accuse me of being because I told him I wouldn’t block him yet I decided to in the end. I’ll keep him blocked for a year or so and then we’ll see if he happens to contact me or not.

I’m going to dye my hair for what will hopefully be the last time before switching to that Merlot shampoo and just focus mostly on the roots and not bother to cover all of it.

In last night’s dream, we were staying in a cottage on the beach my family and I would spend our summers when I was a kid. At least one other woman was with us.

I woke up early one morning and was shocked to find waves crashing just outside the window. “Oh, my God!” I said and then I quickly quieted as I realized Tom was on the phone talking business with someone.

When he hung up, I told him I never saw the waterline that high before. “I’ve known this beach since I was a baby. The water’s never been even remotely close to the cottages before.”

Then another woman got up and Tom was helping her mix eyeshadow to a specific color that would make her look less tired.

“I used to do that at times when going to doctors so they wouldn’t think I was on anything when in fact I didn’t feel well. You didn’t sleep well?” I asked the woman.

She said no because a turkey gobbling woke her up.

“Maybe Karma will get it and send a big wave crashing down on its head that will swallow it up,” I said. Then I could see that Tom wasn’t too pleased with my saying that. The woman said nothing, so I quickly added, “That is a joke, of course.”

Sometimes I wish we’d committed suicide in the Sacramento motel or in Auburn during the recession. Had I known what lay ahead, that may have been a real game-changer for me. At first I was happy we survived so I could learn more languages and meet some interesting people online as I have but was it really worth all the other shit awaiting me in the end? Sometimes I’m not so sure about that.

Yesterday sucked for about 4 or 5 hours. Tom reminded me to use my happy light, as we call it, and not just for a few minutes. It’s on ‘high’ right now and sitting on the desk.

So I decided to message Doc A and she was obviously on the portal at the time because she replied just minutes later. I described my symptoms to her and let her know that I wasn’t having panic attacks but an anxious feeling in the center of my chest and wanted to know if changing hormones could still be a factor. She said it could be a combination of both anxiety and hormones still changing and to call them if the symptoms persist to set up an office or video appointment.

Yeah, because she’s really helped me before? It’ll be 7 years this summer. I’m starting to feel really doomed in that I don’t think this will ever go away. I just think it will be better sometimes than other times. Right now is certainly not one of those times. Last year I was anxious for somewhere between 30 and 40 days total. Yet we’re barely into February and I’ve already had 10 anxious days. Not exactly feeling very hopeful. In fact, I feel quite hopeless.

Instinctively, I’m trying to think of everything I can to help myself. I searched Amazon for some things and Tom reminded me not to worry about money and just get whatever I want. I’ve never been able to understand how an object could possibly make you feel better but healing stones and crystals seem to be a big thing, so I decided to try one. I got a rose quartz necklace that’s supposed to ease anxiety. It’s a pleasant shade of light pink.

One of the bracelets I saw looks remarkably like the one I made. I guess lava beads, being dry as they are, are good for placing a drop of oil onto. But why not just drop it on you?

Many believe that praying to God works but if there’s anything up there, it isn’t listening to me. So maybe crystals really do work for most people but won’t for me. I’ll find out later today.

I also got another blend of calming essential oils. I’ve heard good things about hemp oil but with me being afraid to try things orally, and not knowing how they may interact with my meds, I’m hesitant to try it. But some people say all they need is a couple of drops and gone is their anxiety. However, Walmart has this lotion infused with cannabis that I’m going to try. They even have one with melatonin in it. Never heard of drugs in lotions but I guess it kind of makes sense when you think about it because the skin does absorb things. I’ll just put a tiny bit on my hands when I get it with this morning’s delivery to make sure nothing bad happens. I still have my phobia when it comes to things like that, but desperate feelings call for desperate measures, and believe me, if I can ever find anything that helps, I’ll buy a lifetime supply of it! Hell, I would become a full-fledged alcoholic if I knew that would help. But just like with prescription anxiety medication, you can still feel some symptoms of anxiety even if you’ve had a drink.

I was going to skip the levothyroxine today but decided to take it. I just cut the waiting time in half. Depending on how I feel today, I may drop the statins for a week or so. I still can’t say for sure whether or not they could be contributing to this shit.

It definitely seems that whether it’s by design or not, I’m meant to suffer one long-term problem after another. It seems as soon as one ends, the next one begins within a year or two. I can’t stress enough how much this is the worst one so far! Maybe it’s one of those 7-year curses that will end this summer, but I doubt it even though the freeloaders seized control of my life for about that long. Seems like the total time I wanted a kid added up to about that long, too. Being broke is harder to calculate because it was more of an on-and-off thing than continuous.

I swear my bird clock must be possessed. It stopped tracking time and chirping, and every time I would remind myself to replace the batteries, I would forget. However, it started working on its own recently. Maybe something got stuck within the mechanisms?

Anyway, I got up a few hours ago and now I’m going to hit the shower and work out and brace myself for the inevitable storm to come later in my day. I don’t know, maybe it’s time to put suicide back on the table but not until after I’ve gotten the chance to live in Florida for a while. Really, I can’t play this fucking game for the rest of my life. There’s just no way I can do it.

There’s nothing like waking up knowing that your day is going to suck at some point. Really, this anxiety is eating me up and sucking the life right out of me. I don’t understand why I still have these spells. Tom believes it’s a combination of things. I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s like nothing and everything makes sense.

We found a government site that lists the ingredients of medications. You can also report adverse effects there and they’ll actually investigate.

We found out that this brand of simvastatin was made by Lupin Pharmaceuticals. So that rules out Mylan and Lannett as being the makers.

What we wanted to do was compare ingredients in Sandoz levothyroxine versus ingredients in other brands, including the simvastatin I’m taking now. It appears that Sandoz may have bought out Lannett. We did find one ingredient in Mylan that isn’t in Sandoz. This ingredient is also in this brand of simvastatin. But the thing is that it also appears to have been in the last brand of statins I took that I had no problem with, and again, if either medication was responsible for my anxiety then why is it waiting mostly towards the middle of my day to get me and then back off the last few hours of my day? Sometimes I’m anxious early or late in my day but it’s usually centered around the middle of my day.

I cried for a few minutes yesterday, missing the old me but not my old life. I just wish I could go back to the days when my worst problem was noise or wanting something I couldn’t have.

I’d love to think it’s mostly about living here and that I’ll escape it when we move but I know that it’s just going to follow me no matter where we go. Besides, if it was connected to this house in any way or the area, why wait a year to get me?

I definitely had both problems yesterday morning because the planes were louder than usual. Even with the air cleaner running on high and sounds playing on my computer, I could still hear the rumbling. I don’t know if it has to do with the direction of the wind or what but it’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t ever expect to have a peaceful place to live but I know we can do better than this.

As I told Tom, yes, I’m nervous as well as excited about the move and all that but this never would have caused anxiety and affected me in this way in the past, and he pointed out that I wasn’t the same age when we moved before. He thinks most of it is still on my hormones and that they’re still changing but it still seems a little late in the game for that. I’m 50 fucking 5 for God’s sake!

Had more time to reflect on the Andy situation and I asked Tom his opinion. As always, he told me I had to do what I felt was best. But what would you do, I asked him. He said he would remain silent and that’s exactly what I was leaning toward. I think it’s better to miss the good times rather than invite more shit back into my life.

I fucking hate February. Because hey, we don’t have to listen to the same old shit enough of the time as it is during the rest of the year, right? At least it’s the shortest month.

Ooh, this is interesting. Remembering that Andy was never very bright, I unblocked him to see if he’d unblocked me at some point over the last few years, knowing that he wouldn’t be smart enough to know there’s a way to block those who have blocked you. At least last I knew there was, but things often change on Facebook so I don’t know if this can still be done. Anyway, I found that he had indeed unblocked me but likely figured I deactivated my account. The question is why did he unblock me? Was he simply curious, intending to reblock me after he checked to see what he could see? Or did he plan to reach out to me?

I’m going to leave him unblocked for now. Part of me wants to reach out to him, but as much as I miss him and will always love him and consider him like family and cherish many funny memories, he is who he is and no one can change him. If he was still as judgmental, paranoid, and accusatory as he was in his fifties, then I think it’s safe to say that’s how he’s always going to be.

We do have a mutual friend, so we’ll see if he notices any of my comments on Norma’s posts and then reaches out to me. Besides, it was me who reached out to him in Auburn, so we’ll see if he makes the first move this time around if there is a this time around. As I said, I can tell him what irritates me but I can’t make him get it and I can’t make him change either. That would be like someone trying to convince me abortion is really murder and to get me to change my mind where that’s concerned. Not going to happen.

Ended up feeling slightly anxious for a few hours yesterday. Skipped the levothyroxine today but took my statin yesterday. So far so good but it’s early in my day so trouble could be ahead for me in a few hours. Right now I’m guessing the statin isn’t connected. It’s likely just a buildup of thyroid meds and wacky hormones.

Maybe part of the reason I don’t get breast exams is that I just don’t want to do all I can to live another 20-30 years. I mean to do what? The same old things? I know that may sound selfish, though, to allow myself to die and desert Tom. He may be a lot tougher than I am but I definitely wouldn’t want to leave him alone so if I’m destined to go first, I hope it isn’t it until it’s almost his time!

But if I knew I was going to suffer from anxiety on and off for the rest of my life, death would be oh-so-very appealing.

Stacey surprised me. Sent her a message telling her that we plan to put the house on the market and hopefully move to Florida soon. I wished her well and thanked her for her help (even if no one could ever help me permanently in the end) and she replied saying she was safe, doing well, and wished me the best and all that.

He got a call for a job. It would be a really bad time to work and may bring us less money than with him not working, but there’s still a slight fear of the government coming after the money because he retired. Anyway, it’s an inventory job in which he said he wouldn’t accept less than $20 an hour. He’ll call them back and hopefully not sound very interesting to them.

I just want to get the fuck out of here!

Later…

When I glanced at Andy’s current profile picture, I first thought it was in Connecticut. But then I noticed the address in the upper right corner. I ran it on Google Maps and found it’s in Cleveland, Ohio.

Ohio? What the hell would he be doing there? He never mentioned anyone in Ohio. He’s listed as still being single, so I doubt he met a guy that he followed there.

Against my better judgment (yeah, I’m stupid and too forgiving), I messaged him. But don’t worry. Don’t even think for a millisecond that I would ever take the termites back because I wouldn’t under any circumstances. Andy’s worst crime is saying mean and hurtful things, not turning my life upside down and inside out like the termite has. There’s no comparison. I would never in a million years forgive and allow the termites back into my life. So no worries there. Besides, it doesn’t mean he’s going to respond. For all I know he’ll turn around and re-block me but if he does, he does. He’s still what many would describe as toxic to a degree. He was very judgmental and just not very and empathetic and respectful in a lot of ways. He could be kind of selfish too, but we’ll just see what happens.

Later…

When it hit me that Andy must have simply been curious or else he would have emailed me if he wanted to talk to me, I sent him a second message saying that I would go ahead and block Facebook messages since I realized that if he wanted to talk to me, he would have reached out to me. Besides, we became so different over time and well, he is who he is while I am who I am and I really should respect his wishes. I wished him the best and assured him I would never forget him.

There is a slight chance that he lost my email address and he wouldn’t have the sophistication to hunt that information down. He’s never been the stalker-ish type so there’s no way he would do a paid search for info.

I do have a few Ohio visitors but I’m pretty sure I know who they are and I can’t believe he would still have my Prosebox link. He could have bookmarked it but somehow I doubt he did much less join the site just so he could read me. He would have commented by now if he did.

I loved that he was loyal and honest but he was overly judgmental and insensitive in many ways not to mention pushy at times and not very empathetic. What he would claim as his opinion was often him actually being incorrect. And there was the opposite-doing that got to me. It was like the more I would ask him not to do a particular thing like gross me out with pictures showing me how big of a dump he last took, he would do it more. What kind of a friend does that? Shouldn’t a friend want to do more of what their friend wants within reason? Obviously, I wouldn’t expect him to stand on his head all day but come on. Did he really ever think I would be interested in the size of his dumps?

His being judgmental and insisting I was bullshitting him about this and that, particularly my sleep disorder, was the most frustrating and hurtful but his blatant lack of empathy could be as well. It’s like he was both empathetic and not. He feels horrible for the way blacks were slaves in the past and for those homeless in the cold, yet when Robin Williams goes and kills himself he’s just a spoiled selfish person who “threw it all away?” And when his best friend is sick for a little too long, that’s a problem too?

This is the kind of shit I just don’t need in my life. If you can’t take me at face value when I’ve never given you a reason to doubt me in the past and you run out of patience with how long I’m suffering, that tells me something about you.

Yesterday went from good to bad to good. I’ve only been up a little over four hours and so far, so good today but I don’t know what I could be in for a few hours from now. I just don’t understand why I’m having such an anxious spell lately! Many reports I’ve read suggest this won’t last into old age along with the fact that this is the most common age group for anxiety as the hormones and brain chemistry change. Kim says she’s been getting it for the last year which would put her around 50. Mine started at 48. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and I think of the things I had to deal with for years that eventually fizzled out but knowing there are no guarantees makes it hard. Maybe this really is the older side of me. The new me since 2014 that will be a part of my life for as long as I live. That could mean suffering on and off for as much as 30 years by the time I die. Logically it doesn’t seem likely but I just don’t want to get my hopes up either.

I took my levothyroxine today but yesterday I skipped the statin just in case there’s something about this brand that triggered it. I’ll take it towards the end of the day and see how I do. The only thing that doesn’t make sense about it being the statin is why it would wait until a few hours or more into the next day to get me. I’m still guessing the original poison just built up a bit too much in my system. Or maybe it was an age thing. I guess I’ll never know for sure. They also say that just having low thyroid can make you anxious but it had to have been low for years before I was diagnosed yet I didn’t have this then. So the best thing it could be would be related to going into menopause because eventually, things will change. The worst thing is the medication because I’m always going to need it. That much will never change.

Tom went to Rite Aid yesterday to pick up his blood pressure medicine and might have been around a “carnivore.” He didn’t get within six feet of them but he heard them ask if they did COVID-19 testing there. Well, why would you ask that if you didn’t think you had the virus? He washed his hands immediately after he got home. I never had a feeling about us getting it and getting seriously ill much less killed by it.

I had a series of dreams last night but I don’t remember enough about them other than to say we were flying somewhere in one of them. I don’t know where we were going. So that’s flying dream number two that I know of even though it’s too soon to say that we will fly for sure or that we won’t.

Due to where my schedule is at, we decided the second week of March is going to be when we reach out to a realtor. At the end of this month, we will rehome the pigs. I was a little annoyed with Tom because we were supposed to do that now but he’s really fallen in love with them and wants to keep them for a couple more weeks. A part of me will miss them as well but for the most part, they’re just smelly eating machines that are a lot of work and money. I’m going to feel worse for Tom than for myself.

His back is still horrible but slowly improving. He did some paint touch-ups in the kitchen while I slept and it looks great. He says we still have plenty of yellow paint and it’s still in good condition.