The ball is officially rolling! We should be out of here in about 60 days or less! Hopefully. So excited but so bummed that I can’t share the good news with my bestie.

I actually had a mix of good and bad yesterday. It’s good that my shoulder is better and I can actually lift that arm without pain (although it’s starting to flare up again). But unfortunately, I was pretty anxious despite the excitement. Really hope it’s just the menopause talking and not the brand change but I decided that tomorrow, which is an old brand day, if there’s any shit I’ll finally take a few days off.

The meeting with Pierce went great. We might be looking at getting more than we thought for the place. He thinks 120K-140K. Also, he has a woman that he has come by when the people are gone to clean out the place, including whatever stuff is left behind. Her payment is that she gets to keep whatever she wants, so it wouldn’t cost us extra. So we may get out of having to deal with listing on Craigslist and people coming by to check things out the furniture we don’t want, and I may get to keep this bed right up to the last minute and just walk off without worrying about leaving unwanted stuff behind like I had originally hoped.

We also may still be able to fly first class which is always more comfortable and peaceful. Coach would be rocking with screaming brats at this time of year and then we would likely have to have someone sitting with us. I don’t want to get my hopes up for any of these things just yet but that’s what it’s looking like. We’re going to start with a listing price of 110K.

So after being surprised and disappointed that my vibe of us getting an offer in April was wrong, some of my other predictions could still be accurate.

He did make some suggestions. Remove the rest of the stickers as long as they didn’t peel the paint, with the exception of the murals. He also said we should declutter it a bit and move the couch to make that room appear even bigger, saying bigger and brighter are a plus. Lastly, wash the outside walls of the house.

I’m a little worried when they do inspections that they may find termites and other things to repair but these things shouldn’t cost more than a few grand to take care of.

Interestingly enough, his wife also has a sleep disorder and autoimmune disorders as I do so she understands what it’s like dealing with people who don’t believe her and think she’s just lazy or making excuses as many people typically do when they’ve never heard of something or don’t get it. I’m so grateful that he understands and is willing to work around my schedule! We even told him about the schedule program Tom wrote to help predict what it’s going to be when. It can usually predict up to six months at a time.

They are also a one-income household because his wife also can’t work but yet can’t get disability any more than I can because she didn’t work long enough to qualify. We have such a fucked up system! Disabled should be disabled no matter what your past work history is but I’m not even gonna go there right now.

Someone will be out Tuesday at 1:00 to take pictures and I guess that will be when it’s officially on the market and that for-sale sign I’ve been looking forward to seeing will be put in place. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here! A good 80% to 90% of my life here has been pretty shitty. Really, really hope my life is a hell of a lot better in Florida!

So now my eyes are tearing up with happy excitement as well as the sadness of not being able to share these moments with Aly who has now been gone for a week.

Things are otherwise looking up and Walmart even gave us 18 free eggs and a bunch of mozzarella cheese sticks that were probably part of someone else’s order, LOL. Guess something up there really wants me to get my cholesterol up there!

I shared the obit with Molly yesterday from my private account in the name of Kristine. Knowing she’s as gullible as Kim, I said she may want to reach out to Jodi and she did, saying it’s a sign from Aly that she wants us to get along and be friends.

I don’t know if Aly would want us to be friends and of course no one could replace her, especially someone like Molly, but I did it because I believe, after giving it much thought, that Aly would want me to.

Molly says she regrets being so selfish and self-absorbed that she didn’t notice or care what was going on with Aly in the end and is saddened by her death.

There are now 4 condolences on her obit, counting mine and Molly’s. Someone she went to school with and a couple.

Anyway, I don’t think Molly will bother me because the Internet isn’t what it was years ago and she has other people to obsess over, mostly guys and celebrities. To her, I’m just a friend to “talk” to, but as long as it’s not every other minute, I don’t mind and will pretty much handle her like I handled Kim. This is a different kind of mental illness that deals with mostly bipolar and emotional issues but crazy is still crazy.

She was born with weak muscles so her latest problem is that her doctor told her she had something called foot drop. Aly once told me she couldn’t run or ever learn to drive.

I don’t use sites where I have anonymous contact set up, so she’d be easy to block if she got to be a burden in any way, but again, I don’t think she will.

She’s still the same old liar I always knew her to be, though, which isn’t the least bit surprising. “Kristine” asked that she not tell Jodi how she found her but she did anyway.

In touch with the other Kim more often and sharing jokes. I miss her!

Nane hadn’t blocked me on Insta after all so she got my final messages and pics and then she blocked me, LOL. Either that or she temporarily disabled her account.

Aly’s sudden passing taught me that anyone can die at any time even when you least expect it. That means that the termite could die for real prior to us being out of here for just over a year but I’ve decided to take my chances and wait until then to share my final words.

After Pierce left I got a blog view from downtown Sacramento. There’s no way he could have found that account let alone that fast and I don’t see why he would be interested in researching either of us anyway. Then I remembered that I “accidentally” dropped my blog link on Doc O recently and wondered if it was her because it was close to where she works and I know that the tracking isn’t always that accurate. I also know, back when I used to be able to see her activity, that she’s constantly on Facebook playing games, even from work. But why would she only check out one entry If it was her? Better yet, why would she wait this long after I sent the message to read it? It was probably no one I know.

Lost the crown on my bottom right back tooth. The shit never ends, does it? Fortunately, it doesn’t hurt, probably because there’s an old filling in it. It’s a good thing too because I can’t get to my dentist until Monday.

Excited that the realtor is coming out today but sad that I can’t share it with Aly. It’s a guy too, because Peggy is retiring. Some guy named Pierce but Tom said he didn’t have an accent when they spoke.

Copy of Aly’s obit:

Survived by loving parents. Bob and Peggy; aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews, neighbors and friends throughout the country. Her time with us was precious and short. The family thanks the doctors, nurses and medical professionals who took care of her. Alison was a kind and giving soul, a care-giver. She loved her friends and family with all her heart. She loved walking Abbie {her dog} around the lake, and writing.

In lieu of flowers, please donate to Town and Country Humane Society or the Nebraska Humane Society. 

“Ali?” Hmm…I always spelled it with a y. She said only Kim and I called her Aly and sometimes her dad. Doesn’t say what cemetery she’s in. Noticed no BF or SO was mentioned. The family thanks the docs/nurses?! You mean the ones that didn’t help kill her? Thought Abbie was her parents’ dog, a cocker spaniel. She and Cam supposedly adopted two chihuahuas. Were they as fictitious as Cam??? They left out cooking and reading. She liked that too. Below is what I said but it has to go through moderation first, of course.

I live in NorCal and met Alison online in 2008. We became close friends and looked forward to meeting one day. We might have met already had it not been for the pandemic. Alison was an exceptionally intelligent and open-minded individual. She was very talented and creative and I always went to her for writing advice. It will be so weird not being able to check in on Skype and Twitter and share our day-to-day thoughts and experiences. We would chat about everything from our weather to what we were doing at the moment to what we were eating, shows and movies we watched, and books we read. I am truly devastated over the loss of her. It was heartbreaking to see her suffer from so many different medical problems for so long. I will miss her tremendously!

Earlier…

Tom just pointed out something interesting in Aly’s obituary that I totally missed. It mentions her having nieces and nephews. But how can that be if she was an only child?

I tweeted to Aly the other day if only to let her know I miss her. Still can’t believe she’s gone. She never got to receive my birthday gift even if she probably had a good idea of what it was since she was very smart. It’s amazing, however, that she had just hours to live yet was thinking of me when she made Cindy promise to contact me.

I dreamed Aly and I were messaging each other back and forth and she sent me a cute rodent picture. I don’t take that as a sign that she’s out there somewhere but just a dream. I swear I heard voices in the bathroom, though, and had I been able to decipher anything meaningful and it didn’t sound more like a guy’s voice, I would definitely be wondering. Could have sworn the first thing I heard was my name, then I heard what sounded like a few more words half a minute later that I couldn’t make out. I ran and checked the outside cameras but didn’t see anybody hanging around out there.

Although I don’t know why just like Andy doesn’t know why he wants to be my friend, I let Molly know what was up and shared the obit. I don’t know if Aly would have wanted me to do that or not but it’s done.

My shoulder hurts like hell! Figured I injured it doing pushups and so I made a point of not exercising that arm yet it’s getting worse. Pretty sure it’s a rotator cuff injury, but I’m not ready to sling it yet. If I change my mind, I’ve got the sling Tom used for his tendonitis. It’s worse lying down, and I woke up in pain several times. Ibuprofen only helps so much.

Had mild anxiety during some of the last half of my day yesterday.

Saw a video of an apartment building collapsing due to an airstrike from Israel and OMG! Even so, the Palestinians deserve everything they get. They have been instigating and provoking the Israelis to no end since the beginning of time. You would think they would have learned a million airstrikes ago not to pick on Israel if they don’t want retaliation tenfold. Maybe they actually like being blown up. I hope the Israelis destroy the entire country.

I wonder if the paper delivery car in the park we end up in will also be required to be loud. I know there are a lot of loud vehicles out there but the fact that every single one of them has been loud can’t be a coincidence. I think they just want something more audible in case any old folks are wandering around late at night. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it was that way in Florida too.

On the list of possibilities are Homosassa, Brooksville, Ormond Beach, and Port Saint Lucie. We’re still checking out different places.

I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here. I knew it would be any day now that Lawrence would cut his trees down and that was yesterday. It took them two hours to do it. I’m just grateful I was awake when it happened. So at least I don’t have that much hanging over me along with the sadness of losing Aly and the stress of the upcoming move. Another good thing about it being done is that the woodpecker returned due to the twigs the wind blew onto our place from his trees, which was probably where they were nesting. So it should keep woodfuckers away.

He’ll be calling Peggy the realtor later this morning. It was funny because even though the doll’s been “beheaded,” I thought it looked too much like a person lying on the couch under a blanket so he put her in the back seat of the car. I asked if anyone saw him and he joked about people thinking he was carrying out my body, haha, even though he didn’t see anyone.

NOTE: the part above the dividing line was written Monday morning. I was too tired to proofread and post it at that time.

Grief leaves you feeling so rundown in a way that is similar to when you have a cold. At least it does with me. I look horrible with my eyes nearly swollen shut from crying all night long. The heavy sadness also dampens my appetite. Anxiety does the same thing. I would rather feel better and go back to having to worry about my weight. That’s been on the rise. Although very slowly, it’s continuing to rise and I can only hope that it’s due to menopause and will stop soon. I woke up at another record high of 159.2. Got a bad feeling it’s only a matter of days now before I break into the 160s.

My heart is heavy with the loss of Aly and I’m depressed in general. I miss the days when things were new and exciting. I don’t miss my past problems but sometimes I miss the way I used to perceive and feel about things if that makes any sense. That’s part of why there will never be another Aly even if there could be. Even if I met someone who was a carbon copy of her, I’m not the same person I was when we met in 2008 so it just wouldn’t be the same. I’ll never have another really close friend whose loss could affect me in the way hers has.

I keep asking myself why I care. We never met and there were no guarantees that we ever would. Even if we did meet, we probably would have only seen each other a few times and that was it. So what good could we really have done each other?

Well, apparently a lot. Obviously, even strictly digital friendships can be rich with meaning and purpose as I’ve learned. Our words, our pictures, everything we shared. The things we learned from each other.

I still worry I’m going to spend most of the rest of my life bored, suffering, or both. I also worry that they’re going to find all kinds of things wrong with the house. We can never just plan something and do it.

Losing Aly has made me see that you really can’t count on things for the most part. I just never would have guessed she would die like this. I really thought we would have been friends for the rest of my life. But this is a reminder that just because I assume, dream or feel that something is going to happen in the future a certain way or at a certain time doesn’t mean it will.

I am so very grateful that I don’t have to go through this alone and that Tom has been such a love and a great support! Now that’s something I’ve always been able to count on. :)

And then I worry about Tom and I growing old and dying and what suffering we may do along the way and it scares me. I want to die first because I don’t want to die alone. But then I don’t want him dying alone either or being left alone if I go first. So it’s really hard. Aly’s death reminds me not to assume. I always assumed that because he’s a guy and 8 years older he would die first and I would kill myself at the same time or right afterward. But now I see that I can’t count on that happening for sure. It really is possible that I could develop breast cancer in 5 years or some other form of cancer and it kills me. Or maybe in 15 years, I’ll drop dead of a heart attack. I always assumed he would make it to his mid-80s but maybe he’ll die in a car accident in 10 years. Life really is full of unknowns as hard as that is to deal with at times. At the same time, I don’t want to know a lot of things, including who’s going to die first, how, and when.

Ugh, I keep clicking on Skype out of habit. :( This is just all wrong. She should be at school now and not leaving till noon my time. Then when I get up, I should have a message about her day that she left in the evening when she was unwinding and checking email and things like that. Instead, she’s in a fucking funeral home if not already in the ground. I don’t know how that works, though. I don’t even know if she’s going to be buried or cremated. I asked Cindy if she knew when and where the funeral was to be held. I’d like to look it up on Google Maps so I can see where she’s resting and hope to hear back from her.

Carol replied saying she was sorry and would let Kim know. Despite the fact that Kim lacks empathy in general, I think it really will hit her to a degree and that she’ll be sad.

More things make sense now that they’ve had a chance to play out. Plus Tom did some research to understand things better. This tumor had to have been growing for at least two years. In my early 2019 journal, she mentioned stomach issues. All those stomach issues that her doctor told her were due to Crohn’s disease, according to what Tom read, were actually because of the tumor. The chronic cough she had is also a symptom of cancer.

Damn, though! I wish she’d dumped me. At this point that would have been a hell of a lot easier to deal with than her dying.

I’ve heard many people say that when someone they’re close to dies, they take a piece of them with them and it’s so true. Aly was a big part of my life and a big part of me is now gone.

Again I wonder why. If there is a God out there that actively picks and chooses what happens to us such as when we die, then why? Why would you fucking take someone that had another 40 or 50 years left to live? Why would you do that to her parents? Why would you do that to her friends like me? Why, why, why???

If there really is an afterlife, then I hope those who die young are actually the lucky ones because they’re going to a place that’s so much better than this existence that they’re actually lucky to escape it earlier than most.

I think of all the stories I’ve heard about the afterlife. The usual ones… Floating through a tunnel toward a bright light. Becoming a light and a source of energy that doesn’t have a body anymore but doesn’t need or want anything and feels nothing but eternal love and peace.

Is this all just wishful thinking on the part of the living?

Oh, Aly! Are you in another dimension enjoying all the things you loved to do on earth that you were too sick so much of the time to be able to really enjoy? Are you able to look down on those you were close to? Please, Aly! If there’s any way you can send me a sign that you somehow go on somewhere, please do it whether it’s in my dreams or when I’m awake, even if it’s kind of scary.

But can the dead really interact with the living even if they do go on somehow? Probably not. If they could influence the living, we’d all be winning the lottery like crazy and nothing bad would ever happen to us.

Right now I’m trying not to worry but I worry that they’re gonna find all kinds of problems with the house as I said. Maybe we’re living in termite hell or there are other unknown issues that are going to delay the move for God knows how many more months or even years. I just want to get the fuck out of here! We may have good neighbors but I hate it here otherwise. The planes are driving me crazy. The commercials are worse at night again. There are dozens and dozens of them every day, along with small planes, and of course, there are helicopters as well. All on top of too much loud traffic too close for comfort. It’s too cold for me in the winter and I just hate this place in general. I can’t believe this was my childhood dream although that was SoCal and not NorCal. But even so…this house. This house has been where everything has changed and not for the good. I’m going to be leaving a whole different person than what I moved in here as.

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I never heard back from Cindy and Aly never sent me a sign in my dreams that she lives on somewhere. But life post-Aly must begin, as sad as it is. The Internet is never going to be the same without her!

Instead, I was woken up by traffic, slept shitty in general, and woke up tired. I’m not really surprised with all that’s going on.

I did dream of Alyssa, though. First we were walking somewhere and the next thing I knew she was lying on the sidewalk bent backward at a funny angle. I thought something was wrong at first and I nudged her with my foot. But then I saw through the blonde curls that were strewn across her face that she was smiling. She was just getting a kick out of what someone said that was walking nearby.

Then she had to drive me somewhere and she wasn’t happy about it because she wouldn’t speak to me. She just grunted in reply to the things I said as I tried to make pleasant small talk. But someone asked her to drive me somewhere and she felt obligated to that person. She would just mutter something like, “Oh” or “Yeah” whenever I said something.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, I finally said, I’m sorry, Alyssa (about the messages I sent her), and got the same reply.

Tom reminded me that most people believe death happens in threes. They sure seem to, alright, as I learned in 2012 when I lost both my parents and my brother. Well, Aly is the third death when you count Bob and Virginia. They all passed within 10 months just like my parents and brother passed within 10 months.

My bestie is dead. She really is. I’m devastated. Just totally and absolutely heartbroken. ☹ I never thought I could come to be so close to someone I never met. We always believed we would meet one day but now we never will. She got me like no one else ever got me other than my husband. She was so intelligent and not the least bit judgmental. She accepted me as I was and never tried to change me in any way or make me someone I wasn’t.

When I received the last chilling message from her telling me she was going to die and how it sucked because she hardly lived and that she hoped her dad or a neighbor could figure out her phone to let me know when it happened, I just assumed she only felt like she was gonna die. Hell, I believed I was going to die when I had that horrifying reaction to my medication. So I thought that’s all it was; just her feeling like or falsely believing she was going to die.

Once it got to 48 hours without hearing from her I knew something had to be up and that she wasn’t just having a rough recovery because she’d never gone more than a day without contacting me.

I just didn’t understand, though. How did you go from stage two cancer to death just like that? And then it hit me that it probably had to do with her stoma. I knew it was infected and began to fear that sepsis killed her.

It also hit me to check her step count on Fitbit. I knew she had her Fitbit with her and was going to check to see if the daily average step count changed after midnight.

I’m on nights right now and didn’t get up until around 8:00 PM. One of the first things I did was run and check my phone. I was delighted to finally see I had a Skype message. I grinned happily and tapped on the icon.

Only it wasn’t from her. It was from a woman named Cindy asking that I call her back. That’s when I knew for sure and my worst fears were realized. I knew Aly hadn’t contacted me because she couldn’t and not because she was simply recovering.

Even though I’m using speech-to-text, it’s probably going to take me forever to do this entry because my glasses keep fogging up from my tears and I have to keep taking them off to wipe them.

I called the number and was sent to voice mail, so I left a message. In the meantime, thinking I had my ringer turned on, I looked up her name and found that just as I suspected, she’s her parents’ neighbor. She’s in her 60s. I contacted her there and then found I had a voice message saying that Aly made her promise she would get in touch with me and also that her parents were able to be with her until the end.

My last message from Aly was just hours before her death. So she wasn’t exaggerating and she really did know that she was going to die. As Tom was explaining to me and as I’ve heard before when they first tell you you’re going to die, it’s very hard to accept and believe, but the doctor would have told her, probably during the 10 minutes between her final 2 messages. I guess the way sepsis works is that it’s a bacteria that blooms rather quickly and once it gets to a certain level in the bloodstream, there’s nothing they can do about it. With her being so frail in the end, her body just couldn’t fight it.

I’m bawling my eyes out like a baby. I haven’t cried this much in ages. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around the fact that it’s over. I’m never going to hear from her again, the friend I had for over a decade. We’re never going to share stories or what’s going on in our lives. We looked so forward to eventually meeting. But now I’m never going to be able to share our future move with her (we plan to contact the realtor Wednesday) and I know I’ll never have another friend even remotely like her.

I’m trying to tell myself that at least she won’t have to go through menopause. At least she won’t have to deal with her vision getting shitty and having to get glasses. At least she won’t have to deal with all kinds of shit that you go through as you age but that’s not much consolation.

Now I’m crying so hard that speech-to-text is having a hard time understanding me.

So where was I? Yeah, this sucks. This fucking sucks. It’s so unfair! Why couldn’t it have been some sick, lying, vindictive, vengeful, narcissistic person like my sister and her twisted brats? Oh, how I’m itching to give them a piece of my mind right now but I can’t while I’m here and risk them having us swatted. But hey, what’s the hurry? These assholes will live forever. There’s plenty of time even if it takes us years to get out of here. Maybe only the good really do die young. My husband’s a great guy so maybe he needs to start doing something bad every now and then to ensure he lives longer.

Aly had just turned 40 and now she’ll never receive the birthday present I sent since her birthday was on April 17th and she went into the hospital around April 1st.

Her parents are no doubt understandably very sad and angry now. I hope they sue this shit out of the doctor that misdiagnosed her and also the doctor who ultimately helped kill her. It’s just so fucking fucked up and twisted that she ends up in the hospital because one doctor fucks up and then another one fucks her up during surgery which ends up leading to her death. I’ve never fully trusted doctors and I swear I would never bother with them myself if I had a choice. But I don’t want to go into a coma or have a heart attack so I have to keep going to them for my thyroid medication. I need to see and don’t want to get glaucoma so I need to keep going to eye doctors. I have soft tooth enamel so I have to keep going to dentists. I have atresia so I have to keep going to ENTs.

Naturally, I have so many questions I wonder about. Did she suffer in the end? Was she scared? Is there an afterlife that she now lives in? Is it better than this life? Each year that goes by, the less I believe in God with all the shit that goes on in this world. Well, unless there is an afterlife and it’s a million times better than even our best of days on earth, God’s a cruel motherfucker to take someone as wonderful as she was. So what if she wasn’t always honest? I wouldn’t have cared at this point if she told me 100 lies a day, if Cam wasn’t real, if she was on the FBI’s most-wanted list; I just wanted her to be OK and contact me. I just wanted to hear that while she may have a rough road ahead, she would get through it. Not end up dead when she still had so much life left to live. She finally found her dream job which so few people do, just to be pulled from it and into her death. Just so fucking unfair!

Had to stop and bawl my eyes out some more. My eyes are gonna be swollen with all this crying but I don’t care. I just want her back!

It’s going to be so weird not checking in on Skype and never finding any tweets waiting for me. I can no longer email her copies of my journal, most of which I didn’t share publicly. I can no longer go to her for writing feedback or whatever. She would always give intelligent advice and it’s just gonna be so hard knowing she’s no longer around. I’m not letting go of her on Twitter. Unless someone shuts the account down, it’s the only connection I have left to her besides a few other sites, apps, and Skype.

I couldn’t find Kim’s sister Carol on Facebook but I found her dojo and sent a DM there so she could inform Kim.

Molly can go fuck herself. She’s just so fucked in the head. She’s obsessive, she’s constantly angry, and the drama queen from hell. I’m not even going to bother notifying her. Aly ghosted her in the end for a reason. She’s so self-absorbed. If there’s ever a day when she cares enough to even remember Aly, let her go look for her on her own just to not be able to find her.

Tom went to bed but then got up saying he couldn’t sleep because he was so sad for me. I could practically fix California’s drought with all my tears. ☹

RIP Alison Kara. ☹ There will never be another friend like you to share good times and rough times with, along with dreams, hopes, goals and ideas. ☹

Multiple times a day I check Skype, disappointed to find I have no messages from Aly but hoping to at least see those three dots start dancing, alerting me that a message is on the way. Hasn’t happened yet, though, and this definitely isn’t like her. I guess I’m really not psychic anymore because I had a vague dream about receiving messages from her but there’s nothing. Tom believes I’ll hear from her by Monday. I hope so! I mean, people don’t usually up and die just like that, do they? Can they really go from stage two to death that fast?

I wish to hell Cam could update me but if he doesn’t exist, then he couldn’t exactly do that, could he? Really, I don’t care if Cam isn’t real. I don’t care if she tells me 100 lies a day. I don’t care if she lives with her parents for the rest of their lives. I don’t care if she’s a wanted fugitive on the FBI’s most-wanted list. I don’t care if she’s really some Iranian chick who only used a picture of what I knew to be Aly. I just want to hear from her!

Other than wanting to get out of here and being worried about Aly, I’m remaining calm and I still haven’t skipped my med even though I’ve considered it many times. So this once again suggests it’s not the medication. I would definitely rather it be hormones, sugar, and booze because my hormones won’t be changing forever, and I can lay off the booze and sugar.

Thinking about Nancy inheriting Bob and Virginia’s house, it’s a reminder of just how wimpy my own inheritance was. I know it’s pointless to compare but that house sure is worth a hell of a lot more than 12K!

Also, unless I die first and he lives more than two weeks afterward, Florida will be the first state in which I’ll always have been in a little longer than him, LOL.

He’s now checking out a place called Ormond. There’s an Ormond Beach and an Ormond by the Sea. It’s a bit far north but it’s on the Atlantic coast and I like it better than the Homosassa and Brooksville area. Seems white enough and affordable, though probably not nearly as warm as the Port Saint Lucie area.

We’re going to be contacting the realtor on Wednesday. The question is when to contact the termites with my final message. I know I don’t want to be in this house when I do it but do I wait a year so that anything she may send here doesn’t get forwarded? I thought of not waiting a year so that I could return anything she may send but then it would have a Florida postmark on it. I doubt she would be smart enough or observant enough to catch that but I’m not sure I want to take the chance. Besides, if she can’t forward anything to us then there’s less of a chance of Tom finding out about it. I worried at first about sending something from the same state but again, nothing I’m going to send is going to be even close to illegal anyway.

My day started off borderline anxious, but I improved throughout my day yesterday. No sign of impending anxiety for today. Just frustration, concern, and tiredness but I’ll get to that in a minute. Depending on how I do on this brand, I’m going to wonder if maybe it really was a coincidence that I got anxious after changing brands after all. Maybe even the lightheadedness I would experience upon returning to Sandoz was also a coincidence. I just don’t know.

I’m tired because the fucking garbage truck woke me up if it wasn’t the recycling truck. I should have turned the sound machine up louder and put an ear plug in. I just wonder if I’m ever going to get back to the days when traffic didn’t wake me up and I didn’t hear dozens of planes and helicopters every single day. It’s getting to the point where those days are such a long-lost memory that I can barely remember them. It’s windy tonight and the freeway and planes are horrible.

I decided that unless it messes with our health in any way, the next place is it and where we stay no matter what it’s like there. The only way to get off this trend of being stuck in places as I have been for decades is to not plan to move. You can’t be stuck anywhere if you know you’re not going anywhere to begin with.

I just wish I knew when the hell we were getting out of here! It’s like come on, gimme a date. Even if it’s one I don’t like, at least I would know and I would have a specific goal and date to aim for and plan on. I’m tired of all the unknowns in the world.

I was bummed not to find a message from Aly waiting for me when I got up. Technically, she does skip a day every now and then but she doesn’t skip two whole days in a row. If everything really is alright and she just had another setback, then tomorrow is when I expect to hear from her. If I don’t, then I’m going to be going a little beyond worried. If it got to a week, I would look for an obit. If I couldn’t find one, I’d send a letter to her parents.

I would totally hate to lose her! Can’t imagine ever having a friend remotely like her ever again who was that smart, understanding, and non-judgmental. The only positive would be that I would have a little more writing freedom around the web but that freedom totally wouldn’t be worth the loss of her. Yes, I have Andy, but Andy just isn’t Aly like Aly isn’t Andy.

I don’t want to lose her! I don’t care if Cam isn’t real. I don’t care if she lies at times. I just want her to be okay!

Nane finally picked up my message on Instagram. But the thing is that it’s like she blocked me but she didn’t. I’m not sure what’s going on. Maybe it’s just not working properly? I noticed she was no longer on my list of those I’m following, even though I can’t see anything she’s posted because she has a private account, and assumed that meant it was because she blocked me. Yet I was able to re-add her and send her an additional message.

Found her on Skype too, lol, as I was looking up the termites so I could block them.

So I’ve had three red spots on my right shin for at least a year now. The smallest spot has doubled in size recently but there’s still no itching or bleeding so I’m not worried about it. Maybe it’s just dermatitis. Although the pictures I’m looking at right now suggest it’s not. I think the irritation I get under my wedding band could be contact dermatitis and I could have atopic dermatitis on my armpits when I shave.

Finished Three Days to Live and now I’m going to check out Buried in the Backyard.

I’m both surprised and worried by the fact that I’m going to be wrong on at least two of my predictions and almost certainly others as well. It’s just not like me to be that wrong. Tom says I’m still psychic but I definitely don’t feel like it right now.

We’re still doing this and that to help get rid of this damn place little by little. He read that all you had to do was spray bleach mixed with water onto the ceiling to get rid of old water stains and while it stunk the place up for a while, it worked!

He got wood-colored markers in different shades to touch up scuff marks on the cabinets.

Aly said I was right. The nurses won’t admit she’s in peri now despite a simple Google search telling her the truth. As I told her, I had to ask about it on my own, and 99% of what I learned about it was through Google searches. If it wasn’t for Google, I would really be lost on a lot of things. I mean, I still don’t know for sure that the anxiety is on the menopause and not the medication but I would be a hell of a lot more in the dark than I am now If it wasn’t for Google. Plus, I get to learn about other illnesses and conditions that other people have so I can understand what they’re going through better.

I don’t understand why so many doctors and nurses are quick to dismiss talk of perimenopause and menopause as if it’s some kind of taboo subject we should be ashamed of instead of a natural process that all women go through. I can kind of see them wanting to dodge, deflect and deny claims of anxiety connected to levothyroxine because there aren’t many alternatives but why be so quick to automatically assume a person is “just anxious” and prescribe psych meds? That just doesn’t work for everyone.

After thinking about it, I don’t think Aly’s in peri. I would think she’d go straight to menopause because when you have your ovaries, you go through the gradual decline of estrogen and progesterone and it’s a process that can take the better part of a decade. This could actually be a good thing for her, though. In scrapping her ovaries altogether, she might only be dealing with symptoms for closer to half a decade or less. I just hope to hell she’s one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get to experience the scary symptoms! It’s one thing to be uncomfortable but it’s another thing to be terrified or wishing you could drop dead.

She said she doesn’t think of herself as being secretive really. More like if she doesn’t share something it’s because I don’t see it as important to share but a new job is nothing to hide unless it’s illegal in some way. Also, she wouldn’t necessarily share some illnesses at first especially if she was still getting used to the diagnosis, and sometimes again if there’s something she doesn’t share it’s simply because it doesn’t occur to her to share. Lastly, she hopes that helps at least some.

Yeah, whatever. I get what she’s saying but how can it not occur to her to share a picture of her and Cam? How is it not important to give what’s supposed to be one of her best friends her address? Unless, of course, he either doesn’t exist or isn’t anything like what she described.

Didn’t like how she asked if my package got delivered and said that her parents forget to bring her mail to her. After all this time they still haven’t mentioned my package to her? It did say it was left by their door, so I hope to hell it wasn’t stolen! I would be SO pissed and I would never send another thing again.

Still watching Three Days to Live. It’s interesting but damn! Any judge that allows a convicted sex offender of any kind to be released should be held just as responsible as the offender when they repeat their crimes, and that’s guaranteed to happen from everything I’ve heard.

Earlier…

Had a few hours of mild anxiety after I finished the rest of my wine in the middle of my day yesterday. I’ll give it one more day. If tonight isn’t good, I’m definitely going to skip a couple of days. If that doesn’t help, I’ll skip a couple more.

Right now I’m back to wondering about the med. I hope to hell I’m wrong but I figure that if I feel I need to skip, I should skip and not worry too much about whether it’s a psychological effect or not because I’m going to eventually become post-menopausal enough to know for sure if it is the med or not. If it’s on the menopause, then I won’t always get anxious and therefore feel compelled to skip.

If it is on the med then I’ll have to hunt for a doctor who will believe me and would be willing to work with me to try to figure out what to do about it. I’m guessing the only thing I can do, though, is what I’ve been doing and that’s to make periodic skips. I swear it’s like something doesn’t want me having a normal thyroid just like it doesn’t want me living somewhere I absolutely love!

Tonight I have no wine and no sugar so I’m hoping for a better night. Started the Lupin brand and I’ll alternate to ease my way into it.

As a promo thing a horse racing site was doing, Tom was given free betting money. He won $60 and decided to just cash out there rather than gamble it away.

Had to order new reading glasses as these are just way too narrow for my head and squeeze my temples uncomfortably. That was dumb of me not to check the frame width first. 117 is too narrow. I need to stay in the 127-135 range. I got the same frame my progressives are only they’re blue instead of pink. Even though they have nose pads, they’re comfortable and fit me well.

I’m glad they have six colors of this frame because I can then alternate between three of them every time I need new glasses (until they stop selling them). Next time I’ll get gold, silver, and gray so that when I get the next set in pink, black, and blue, I won’t get the old ones mixed up with the new ones as I turn them into backups.

Those markers that stain scuffs on cabinets and doors work great. Also, there was termite damage to the back wall of the house and a section of the storeroom wall before we moved in here and that area was never repainted. Originally, he thought he was going to have to buy paint and do the whole backside of the house and part of the storeroom since he didn’t think doing a section would match the original paint, but when he was going through things in a cabinet that was left behind the storeroom, he found a gallon of exterior paint that’s still in great condition and that matches the house.

I think that if we ever get out of here, we’re just going to stay there no matter what it’s like. The only way I can not get stuck somewhere is if I go in with the attitude that it’s forever. So how do you get stuck somewhere you never plan to leave?

The only moving dreams I had were very vague. The first one had to do with me telling Tom that I had a dream about moving and I guess it was something positive even though I don’t remember what.

Then I had a dream that my parents were alive and visiting. They were sitting in our living room, wherever that was. Dad asked if it was noisy, and out of habit since I’d lived in noisy places for so long, I said it was. Then I remembered we moved and said, but not nearly as noisy as the other place.

Anyway, I’m more worried than ever about Aly. She left me a couple of very chilling messages. In the first message, she wrote: I just found out the chemo I’ll be doing isn’t curative, my lungs look better, I’m malnourished because of the cancer, and it won’t take much for me to get sicker. Will be going to the ER soon because my colostomy is infected or something and I may need surgery. Oh, and I’m getting another blood transfusion. This scares me. I’ve heard and read stories about people beating the odds but I don’t see that being me. Fuck this. Fuck it all.

Ten minutes later she wrote: I’m going to die. All they’re doing is giving me comfort care. It could be soon. This sucks. I’ve hardly lived. Well, maybe my dad or our neighbor can figure out my phone when it happens to let you know.

Although this was very scary to read, I’m really hoping she will pull through and that she is just freaking out because of all she’s going through. Anyone would freak out after all the medical shit she has had to go through. Since when is chemo not curative, though? It’s supposed to kill things, not treat them. Also, they wouldn’t have moved her to a rehab center if she was dying. They would have put her in a Hospice. Noticed she never mentioned Cam as someone to contact me if she dies.

I told her to give her father or anyone else she trusts my email address so I can be contacted that way. But Tom and I both agree she’ll make it. I don’t know if she’ll live to get old but even though anything is possible, I honestly can’t see her dying now. God, I hope not! I would be absolutely devastated and would miss her tremendously.

“We plan, Fate laughs,” someone wrote.

So true! This is why I wanna shake those that say we have free will. You can tell yourself that if that’s what you want to believe and if it makes you feel better, but for the most part, that’s just not true. I have free will in choosing pink lipstick over red. Big deal.

Until Fate laughs at us yet again, our next plan of action is to contact a realtor next week and see what they say. When she tells us what we don’t want to hear, then we consider hiring someone to redo the kitchen and bathroom floors. If that’s still not enough to help us get a decent offer, then we’ll do a complete top to bottom remodel of this place.

My new glasses fit well although the computer and reading glasses are a bit strong, especially the computer ones. I had to pull my monitor closer to me. The reading ones are a little snug but I’m only using those for drilling which I do in bursts.

It’s now been 7 weeks since I skipped my med. While that in itself is great, it’s still a little unnerving to know how low my TSH is getting. I still hold out the hope that the med was never responsible for the “stabbings” but only the booming heart when I first went on it, and the panic attacks.

I’m also trying not to worry about the new brand and just hope to hell the brand changes were really just a coincidence. I’m going to ease my way into it by alternating between what’s left of the old brand until it runs out.

Right now I’m neither anxious nor calm. I have a feeling that if I had a candy bar, though, that would push me over into the realm of anxiety. It does seem that things like hot flashes and anxiety have triggers that can induce them. Well, I don’t wanna pull the tiger’s tail!

The LMC network has been frustrating me lately because I’m all caught up on everything. They’re not adding new stuff as fast as I thought they did. They have these sections, Recently Added, Shiny & New, and Added This Week, but the thing is that the movies that show up there are rarely anything but “shiny and new.” Instead, they’re movies that have been there before which I’ve already seen.

So I’ve been watching Three Days to Live on Peacock. One of the problems with services like that is that they have stuff I’ve already seen, was never interested in, or that’s foreign.

Not much in the way of dreams. Just some vague dream about him calling Florida for jobs because his landlord ordered him to which I knew was Jesse, and then being skeptical about him having a hard time finding a job in Cali.

Then there was something about being seated in a fancy restaurant.

Another possibility hit me. Maybe Aly really is with a guy (I still say any woman can get one) but she’s describing him differently than he actually is. Maybe that’s what the secrecy is about. Maybe he’s a 300-pound ugly guy mopping floors in a school or something and she doesn’t want me to know this or see a pic of him.

Maybe she feels she’s with a guy she likes but still feels like she’s settling and like she’ll never get what she really wants, so she makes up this other guy that she thinks sounds better. Like a woman who has sex with her boyfriend or husband while she imagines someone else.

There’s a difference between private and secretive and for her to never show me a picture of the guy while I’m supposed to be considered one of her best friends doesn’t make sense unless she’s hiding something. So yeah, I’m a little suspicious as well as a little hurt.

Soon I’m going to make my complex but gourmet meal. I’m going to bake the fish, fry the mushrooms and onions, steam the broccoli, and zap the rice.

My 56959-word story is done! Casual Killer is kind of a silly and unrealistic story but it was something to do to pass the time since life seems to be one big old waiting game. I feel like I’m in Death’s waiting room at times. Like I’m just waiting to be admitted to the afterlife or total nothingness, depending on what comes after death. Anyway, while I’m in the “waiting room,” I’ll edit the story which I’m guessing will end up around 60K words.

I still can’t believe there are people out there so desperate for a good laugh that they’ll set up websites and send postcards with a picture of your house circled on Google Maps asking to buy it that have no intentions whatsoever of responding to anyone who reaches out to them. Is it really that funny? I guess so to some people. I don’t understand what kind of kick they’re getting out of blowing people off but we haven’t heard from any of the four buyers we contacted and I think it’s pretty safe to say we never will.

So we moved on to Plan B and that’s to go through a realtor. We always figured that’s what we would be forced to end up doing in the end anyway. I still wish I could be smart about it and remind myself that my dream house doesn’t exist, and any time I tried to go after a dream I either didn’t get it or I got a nightmarish version of it, so why bother? We really should just stay put. We have a house and we should make the best of it. We’re established in the area and have good neighbors for the most part. This is our spot on earth and this is where we’ll stay.

But then the stubborn part of me longs to be in a subtropical climate and misses the beach even if she can never live that close to one. Florida would be worse for boom car stereos and motorcycles and it doesn’t have Death with Dignity but it’s a lot cheaper.

Soundproofing material available or not, I am so sick of living in noisy places! I don’t expect much of an improvement since this has become pretty widespread and the norm in most places that don’t get too cold but what’s the point of enjoying the nights so you don’t have to listen to the daytime noise if it’s noisy all night long as well with a roaring freeway, planes, and a little bit of bass-thumping and other traffic mixed in? I hate it here and I don’t know that I can ever make myself like it. Yes, I’d be a little more comfortable if it was remodeled and soundproof but it still wouldn’t be Florida. I still wouldn’t be able to sit outside on the patio and get any peace. It would still be expensive. Plus, we would still have to deal with the regular water shutoffs.

I don’t think we’re going to get out of here this year but we’re definitely going to contact Peggy K as soon as I’m back to getting up at 2-3 in the morning. She’s with Lyon Realty. That’s what Brenda was with, the lady that sold us this place. She not only lives in the park but she’s a realtor who has sold many homes here. Most sell for over 100K but the lower ones range from 60K-80K. The thing is we still need at least 70 to get out of here and I don’t see us getting more than about 50. I don’t see us getting less than 40 but I just don’t know if we could even hit 60. That means that if we’re forced to remodel since it needs an updated kitchen, new windows, the walls painted, and new flooring, we won’t be getting out this year. The thing is that I know that things always take longer than you hope or expect so we might end up staying here until he reaches full retirement as originally planned.

I just wonder…at what point do we throw in the towel and give up?

Since I found that it wasn’t the Lupine brand of statins that was making me anxious after all, I’m going to go ahead and try Lupine’s levothyroxine which they have at Rite Aid. If worst comes to worst I can have Doc A state that I want the Sandoz brand and Amazon’s pharmacy will request that.

Was just about to post this when Tom and I started talking. We don’t need to take out a loan to upgrade this place if that’s what we’re going to end up doing. We can get what we need on credit. I was surprised to find we can redo the kitchen, laundry, and bathroom floors for about $400. Those floors would have to be vinyl flooring because they don’t recommend laminate in areas that get wet. We’re gonna wait for the realtor first and see what she says. We should be contacting her sometime next week. The most important thing is to make sure we have enough money to buy a place when we move and that we don’t get trapped in an apartment, which would be more expensive. We get trapped enough as it is.

Gennev did what I thought they’d do and told me they couldn’t give medical advice but offered me a free appointment to see if it would be anything I would be interested in, but now just isn’t the time. Their $ 85-a-month plan sounds like it may be ideal for me but we’re more focused on the house right now. It’s recommended for weight management, menopause anxiety, rage and depression, plus sleep and fatigue management.

They say to expect: A health coach trained in menopause, a personal care plan with 3-month goals, access to a doctor as needed, a supplement starter kit, 2 appointments with a coach per month, unlimited text, and improved symptoms in 3 months.

It’s tempting but with no guarantees, I don’t wanna spend that much money.

Another day of having to cram reality down my throat and remind myself that things could be worse. We really can eventually turn this house into a home. We’ve got a good neighbor next to us that could live as long as we do. And besides, who knows? Maybe one of us would have been eaten by a gator had we gone to Florida. Or maybe we would have lost the place in a hurricane. It sucks but hey, we win some and we lose some in life and I really think I can adapt and be happy with what’s meant to be if I just apply myself better.

Looks like I’m going to have to do just that with medication brands as well and settle for whatever. Knew this day would come too. Why is it that only my bad vibes are the ones that are allowed to come true? I knew we would still be here when Bob and Virginia passed, and we are. I knew we would be faced with all kinds of obstacles trying to get out of here, and we are. In a way, I’m almost surprised that the cork that flew out of the champagne bottle didn’t smash my face in because that would certainly add delays if it took an eye out or something. Again, why struggle for what isn’t meant to be when you can just make the best out of what you’ve got?

I don’t know, though, maybe the anxiety I experienced when taking a couple of other brands really was a coincidence. After all, I had kick-ass anxiety for two months in a row and that was on my usual brand. We asked the pharmacist at Rite Aid when we went to pick up his BP med if they’d ever heard of anyone mentioning any particular brands making them more or less anxious, and they said the only thing they heard is some people prefer the name-brand of Synthroid.

Why would they lie? They don’t have anything to lose in the way they might if they were doctors rather than pharmacists. Tom found that on Amazon’s pharmacy, the name brand may actually be cheaper than generics.

So yesterday I began to feel a bit wired and my heart was racy. I decided that I would skip the medication today but then I remembered the candy bar I splurged on yesterday. I really do believe sugar could be a culprit as much as Tom thinks the anxiety spells I had on the off-brands were a coincidence. Took my med today and so far so good. It’s a little too early in my day, however, to say for sure that I’ll remain calm all day.

Meanwhile, I finally told my story to Gennev, the menopause experts, and while I asked their opinion on things, I told them they could share the story with anyone they want. I’m sure they’ll want to sell me something while they’re at it. They have their own team of doctors and holistic formulas for different stages of menopause, depending on what your symptoms are. I don’t think there are many if any, symptoms I haven’t experienced. It’s just that some last longer than others. Or you learn to live with them and don’t really care. The ones that are noticeable and bothersome are the hot flashes and definitely the anxiety. Everything else has just sort of faded into the background if it hasn’t stopped completely.

I didn’t get any sweet treats at the store but I did get some wine. Going to make sure I don’t have it until the end of my day in case that too has a hand in making me anxious as I read it could. I would rather it interfere with my sleep than make me anxious.

Tom said there were a few cars along with Nancy’s next door and he saw someone bring something inside the house before I got up. I’m glad they didn’t wake me up but I really hope she’s not a company junkie to make up for the lack of other things I may not get from her.

We got new Sonic toothbrushes since ours were getting kind of old, and stuck here or not, the weather has been gorgeous. Warm and dry. This would be the perfect time of year for open windows and an evaporative cooler but even if this place had an evaporative cooler, it’s way too noisy here. I could barely stand to leave the windows open during parts of the daytime, let alone while I was sleeping, whenever that was. We’re having another windy day which means everything is louder. The freeway is roaring and the planes are amplified as well.

Last night I dreamed that outside the room of either an apartment or a hotel I was staying in, was some kind of animal akin to a bull although that’s not what it was. I really don’t know what it was but a part of me was tempted to piss it off just to see how it would react until I thought better of it knowing it could take its horns and plow right through my door if it wanted to.

The last two dreams I had were shitty. In one of them, I was wanted for something. I somehow met up with a group of about twenty others who were also wanted for various things. The plan was for all of us to escape to Mexico. I was all for it at first and then I realized that I didn’t see how 20+ people could sneak into Mexico unseen. Deciding I could get in more trouble if I was caught with a bunch of criminals trying to enter a country illegally than if I turned myself in or got caught by myself, I gathered my things and quietly slipped free of the group. I was a little nervous about it because I worried there were a few people who feared I would turn them in.

The last dream was the worst. Aly and I met at a hotel to vacation together somewhere. I was in the room by myself for a while wondering where she could be. I was growing concerned as it began to get late and was contemplating contacting her mother to see if she’d heard from her. But then Aly came in all pissed off. She began angrily throwing her stuff in her suitcase and I asked what was wrong.

She said she learned from other guests that I secretly hated her. Her eyes looked a little funny as she yelled at me, too. They were small and more triangular in shape instead of the usual ovalish shape people have.

I insisted that it wasn’t true and that I would tell her directly if I had a problem with her. But she refused to believe me and left me alone in the room to figure out how to get to the airport and all that on my own.

I read that if a feature doesn’t work on a website, it’s best to try their app. So I checked and found that on Facebook’s app, I was able to reblock Maliheh and Nane, and that’s the way it stays! Can’t imagine them ever unblocking me, though, if they haven’t yet.

The steamer he got really was a great investment. It was impossible to clean the mold that would build up around the bidets’ nozzles but this did a great job cleaning it. Also, I continue to be ever so grateful for the pieces of pumice stone that Andy sent a few years ago to get rid of toilet rings I would otherwise never be able to get rid of.

I can’t believe there are people in this world who get off so much on leading people on and blowing them off that they would set up “prank” sites, which is basically what these so-called home-buyer sites are. Unless they’re just looking for someone who’s desperate and will settle for anything they can get, I think it’s a damn shame that people get such a kick out of blowing people off much like some people do when they stand someone up on a date. Never could understand the amusement behind that one. Never.

But there is some good news given that we may be stuck here at least indefinitely if not forever. My wish came true about one of their kids getting their place next door because Nancy is going to be moving in in a couple of months after the Trust issues are dealt with. I caught her and her brother helping her sort some stuff and when she broke the news to me I told her that if she didn’t have a motorcycle, that would be great! She said it was just her and her two cats and that her parents used to talk about me all the time. She just couldn’t remember if my name was Jodi or Joy. So at least I won’t have to worry about motorcycles and other insanely loud vehicles much too close for comfort other than what I already have to deal with going down the street. I also can’t imagine her turning her garage into a woodshop so that much is good to know. I filled Mrs. Twenties in and she was glad to learn this as well.

The only other good thing in the midst of trying to remain positive which is quite a challenge at times is that the anxiety didn’t return with a vengeance like I thought it would when I had those couple of days where I had mild anxiety. Yesterday and the day before, I didn’t feel anxious. Doing fine so far today as well.

I know my TSH is in the single digits now which is a little scary at the same time I know it’s a good thing. I can tell because I’m warmer and my hair is thicker. My nails are long and strong but I’m going to cut them back soon because I just don’t have the patience to deal with the hassles long nails bring. Makes it too hard to use my phone and do what typing I still do.