Andy will be calling back any minute now. He had to go fold his laundry. Andy and I were talking with Karson and their friend Kim till he had to go fold his laundry. Then Karson gave me her number, then hung up cuz Kim wanted to ask me a personal question in private. She said she trusted Andy and knew I could be trusted by what Andy told her.

She asked, “There’s this guy I like named Mike who says he wants me but doesn’t call me. What do I do?”

I said, “Fuck him. There are always gonna be people you want who don’t want you and people who want you that you don’t want. Actions speak louder than words, so if someone’s actions don’t comply with their words - screw them and try finding someone where both of your feelings are mutual.”

Then I called Karson back who demanded to know what she said, but I wouldn’t tell her. I said she had to go out somewhere which was true. Then we hung up and we’ll all talk later.

I finished the library book I had to renew and now I’m on the other one.

I’m gonna go work on a letter to Kim.

I asked Andy if I could tell Tom his ghost story and he said that if I’m gonna tell him mine, I can definitely tell his, too. That’s the idea, but I don’t know if I will for sure or when.

Later...

I answered a question of Kim’s. She asked me where the G spot was located. I always thought that was a woman’s clit. However, the catalog that came with the vibrator showed a diagram showing it to be up inside near the bladder. It said it was hard to locate, but that stimulating it felt noticeably different than clitoral stimulation. This is news to me and now I’m curious to experience this myself. Who knows if I will but they had a G-spot stimulator for sale that looked like a dildo.

I talked with Andy, Karson, and Goofy, but Karson got pissed at us all as she always does, even though she loves every minute of it.

Andy and his friend Michelle are gonna go get more of Stevie’s garbage and I’m gonna read and watch TV.

Later...

I read and watched a movie. I also typed Kim’s letter and retrieved and sent a message to Alex. Andy was on the phone while I was typing part of Kim’s letter so he gave me some lines.

Tom just got up and is eating the hot dogs I just zapped him. He feels and looks much better today. Yesterday he didn’t throw up again, but he felt yucky.

I’ve been swimming on and off and due to being on nights lately, I’ve been skinny dipping. I’m still tanned, but when my schedule’s more towards days I’ve got to get out a little to keep it up. That won’t be too hard at this time of year as it’s been deathly hot between 108º - 112º. Gotta watch out for sun poisoning.

There haven’t been any more significant experiences with Robin. I sense her presence on and off. There is one physical and one emotional change, though. I’m still quite certain that it’s just because and not related to her in any way. It’s still worth mentioning, though.

If you’re like most people, you’d agree that my hair and eyes are my best features. Well, it’s kind of obvious that she likes my hair. This hair is a bitch to maintain. I normally wash it twice, then use either the detangler or the Infusium 23, then have to spend 20 minutes brushing through the knots. Well, the last two times I only washed it once and didn’t put anything else in my hair. Yet strangely enough, I could brush right through it in only a few strokes. Time will tell if all it is is luck.

Also, since this all began, or shortly after, like maybe July 2nd, I haven’t been upset or unable to deal with the fact of never having a kid. It’s not like I’m unable to deal with it every day, but I feel as if I’ve lived through it and gotten over it, even though I’ll always wonder what it would’ve been like. We’ll see.

I just asked Tom if he felt it was unlikely they’d allow a 16-year-old to stay alone in a cabin at a camp. He said, sure. If a 16-year-old was working in a camp, she’d need a place to stay. He said they wouldn’t necessarily have to put her with adults at all. A 16-year-old trying to rent an apartment or buy a house by herself is a whole different story. I’m still unsure about the possibility of her only being 16 back then. It really seemed like she was in her 20s back then. Hell, she could’ve been in her 30s, but I doubt that.

I haven’t decided yet if I’m gonna try to hunt down that camp today. I still doubt I can find them or get any info. It’s been a long long time, but we’ll see.

Later...

Tom just left for work and I called Maine info. As I suspected and was afraid of, there is no Camp Naomi statewide.

Here’s something that’s cool. I made the comment, “I’m not always gonna have periods” to Tom before he left (meaning when I get fixed). and he said, “You won’t get periods for a while, but you’re entitled to your opinion as I am.”

The cool part of it is that I didn’t feel pissed or sad and think, don’t lie to me or kid either of us! Guess it’s because I’m so used to this shit now.

Anyway, I’ll never know for sure now if this thing with Robin is for real, will I? My instinct says it is, though. I have yet to write a few more things we “talked about” but I’ll get around to it after I’ve had some serious sleep. All I know right now is that I feel a constant warm, wonderful, and content feeling regardless of what I’m doing and if Tom’s present or not. I used to feel love and security from one source - Tom. Now I feel love from two sources.

Later...

Tom asked me if I found out the location of that camp today. I told him they didn’t have anything statewide and he said they didn’t keep records of camp counselors. He did tell me to search the subjects on AOL and Prodigy and see if I can find a map that’d list smaller places outside of Portland. I tried, but couldn’t find anything. An “ask the staff” box came up, so I sent them a question about how I was trying to locate info on this camp even though I couldn’t get any number for it cuz I was trying to locate someone I had known there. I’ll just have to wait and see what they say. I don’t know how long it takes to get a response from them. Dead or alive, all I need is a number and a name to find out whatever happened to her.

That was really nice of Tom to offer to help me.

This weekend I told him I’d tell him about Andy’s and my experiences. Ultimately, I’ll probably never know for sure what really happened to this woman or if she’s really dead. All I can do is sum up which of the 3 possibilities feels stronger - my imagination, thought vibrations, or her spirit. Number 3 is definitely the strongest.

Even if I could just find out if she were dead or alive with no explanations would be enough for me. I’d like to make contact and say thanks if I could know she was alive, and I’d like to know how and when she died, if she’s dead, but if I could only start with knowing if she were dead or alive!

I asked myself if this entity/spirit could be someone other than her or my grandparents. “No way,” immediately comes to mind. If it isn’t her through being alive or dead, then I have one wacky imagination. One clever enough to have a rational person such as I am totally fooled.

I’ve been meaning to try to remember and write down anything else she said to me or that I told or asked her. I’ll do this later. Right now I have other things I want to do.

Later...

In this week’s TV guide, there’s a thing for monthly teddy bear figurines. It’s from the same company that we got our plates from for free. However, they no longer send you plates till they get your payment. This one says they’ll bill you with the first shipment. They know this address, but not Andy’s, so I asked him if I could send it to his place to give to me. Then he’ll get lots of NPN envelopes from these people, as I still do, which he can have. I asked him on his machine and will wait till he calls me.

This experience has heightened my curiosity. I may do some research on subjects like this and see what books the library may have about it.

Before I get into the stuff I discussed with Andy last night, let me say this. I questioned Dad today for the “special little book” I’m writing. I asked him to put his thinking cap on and tell me how old I was when I went to that particular camp. He said I was about 10. Also, he knew it was in Maine, but couldn’t remember where. He said it was some little village outside of Portland.

Anyway, I brought up the atlas on the computer and printed out the state of Maine. It didn’t list every single town and city, but if I do get curious enough to play detective, this may help.

All of Maine’s area code is 207, so that’s nice to know. MA is smaller than ME, but it’s got 3 area codes. AZ now has 2. All of AZ used to be 602, but now only Phoenix is. Well, the Phoenix area is, like Paradise Valley, Glendale, etc.

Did I ever mention the game I briefly remember Robin showing me that she and her dog played? She’d hide in the woods and the dog would always find her.

Later...

I was on the phone with Andy at 12:30 when Tom got up puking. He just now went back to bed and I hope his ordeal’s over with for his sake. I know the yucky miserable feeling of puking.

Last night Andy and I spoke for nearly 3 hours. Before I get into our “ghosts,” I’ll update his latest Stevie news. He and Michelle did another trash pickup. Now he has her phone number, her backup singer’s phone number, her friend’s number, and even her credit card number. That’s so stupid of Stevie. If I were famous and was gonna throw away any valuable info like that, I’d shred it up first.

He said a credit report shows some girl, as well as a guy, share her credit card and the guy bought $5,000 worth of stuff. He found the names of her dentist in Scottsdale as well as 3 other doctors who gave her prescriptions for pain, swelling, and congestion.

The funniest and strangest thing was an unopened letter from a fan. Obviously, she’s gotten mail before from this wacko. The weirdo wrote a corny poem and is a lesbian living in Scottsdale, who’s in love with Stevie. Stevie’s not homophobic and is bi, but this girl was quite corny.

Another girl wrote a short and dumb letter from New Mexico. She simply addressed it to Stevie Nicks, Paradise Valley, AZ yet it still got to her.

She also got a letter about doing some interview.

Osco is where she went for her prescriptions.

So, the weirdo from Scottsdale named Sally is gonna get a weird letter from me without any return address.

Later...

So Andy and I swapped ghost stories last night. He hasn’t had any more encounters with Greg but says his electrical stuff is screwy. Entities, spirits, or whatever you want to call them, have a way of affecting electrical stuff with their energy. He said if he hadn’t had his experience, then yes, he would’ve thought I was crazy. I told him everything that’s happened, which is more than I’ve written so far.

Before I finished my story, he said he doubted it was my imagination, but that it could be this - he’s felt the vibration of those he doesn’t see too much when they think of him and vice versa. He said it’s got to be with someone he knows; not Stevie, Linda, or Gloria.

When I finished, though, his final conclusion and belief were that she is dead, loves me, means no harm to me, and will probably be with me for the rest of my life. He made it sound like I was very blessed with a lucky spirit to have connected to me. Yeah, I feel that way too, but I don’t know. It’s just all so weird and unexpected.

He told me how to go about investigating her and the camp, which I already knew, but would they have info from 20 years ago? Would they give it to me if they did? Hell, I’m not even sure her name is Robin or what city or town the camp’s in if it still exists.

Andy said that for her to have her own cabin (or one with some other unknown person) she’d have to have been there a while and have some authority there.

Could she really have been only 16? This is the thing that seems the strangest, maybe even unlikely. Could my feeling on that be wrong? Did she send me incorrect info if she’s truly dead, or mix it up somehow? Did I misunderstand her?

Andy said that if I do and can contact them, to tell the truth. Tell them I briefly knew a counselor there who made me feel really good, as I was troubled at that time.

I’ll leave out any mention of writing a book. That may scare them and make them feel put on the spot.

Later...

As I find reasons to believe she really is dead and is spiritually with me, we’re thinking of each other (she’s alive) and sending vibrations to each other, or it’s all in my head, I thought of something I never realized or considered before. Paula B. Back about 7-9 journals ago Paula was really on my mind. I wondered a great deal about her and was missing her, as I suppose I always will, along with a few others. I wondered if she ever thought about me. Wondered where and how I was. The point is, is that the whole feeling was different. I never experienced sensations of her being here. Never got sudden and sure feelings of info from her that I shouldn’t and couldn’t know. She’s alive. She’s alive and either I thought heavily of her or we both did. But she is alive. I just know she, Jessie, Jai, and Steve are alive.

Later...

Hey! I think I just remembered her commenting on my dad being handsome when he came to get me. Was it Robin who said that? That’s a 50/50 guess, but somebody somewhere did say that.

Back then did she wish I were her child? Or older so we could be lovers? My first guess is a kid of hers, but not quite as a mother. More like a friend, but in her mind, we’re definitely lovers now.

Yes, I really think it could’ve been her that said that, but oh how I wish I could remember every single detail! Very slowly and with straining my mind, I’m remembering a few more things. I hope I remember more.

Andy should be calling any minute now. We gonna resume and finish last night’s chat.

I took down my journal chart which I had on the side of my bookcase. I replaced it with some pictures that were where I’m gonna have Tom mount my cabinet of drawers this weekend. He’s also gonna write in my paper journal this weekend. Maybe I’ll have him write in 91 since I have colors picked out for each page in there. That way he can take up as many pages as he wants. I retyped my journal chart and put it in my current letter binder. I haven’t done a running total of all my letters in quite a while. I think I’ll go do that.

Got a total of 437 letters right now!

Later...

Today was a good day and we had oral sex, as well as screwed. I didn’t cum, but was so close. That could be my fault, as I got carried away last night with that vibrator and came 3 times during the night.

Naturally, he didn’t cum and when I commented on waiting on the kid, he said we’re not gonna wait for anything, which makes no sense and doesn’t go with his actions at all. I didn’t question it, though. I’m beyond the what-does-that-mean stage. Let him play his game, I say.

He and I had so much fun recording today. I sang to the keyboard track he played to Desperado. He says there’s a music composition program out there that sounds so cool. I’ve figured out songs by ear here and there that I’ve either written down (usually just the melody) or remembered. Well with this program, you can sing into the mike and the computer will print the notes you sing. What a great and amazing program!

Andy was over to pick up today’s soaps I taped for him (now yesterday’s soaps). He said his VCR is now fixed perfectly and they demonstrated this to him when he had it fixed before he took it home. He didn’t stay. He was only here to get the tape, but he had said, “You look good tonight. Do you want me to take your picture?”

No, I told him, cuz I had no makeup on and didn’t feel like putting some on just for pictures.

Another line Tom said suggesting he wants to wait on the kid regardless of what he says popped into my mind. He said I really should improve on my “now or never” attitude. That my saying we’ll have a kid later than never is a big help to his “little problem.” I’m not even gonna bother to question him on this for two reasons. Cuz he’ll only insist I read his statement all wrong, and I know we’ll never have one. Therefore, it’s useless to really worry about what’s on his mind.

He went down on me tonight and tomorrow he says he wants to screw, but I don’t know. Yes, I love to screw, but even if I didn’t want a kid 100% of the time, it just feels weird knowing the guy’s only doing it for a hard-on. Then after banging away for 10-20 minutes, he’ll pull out, still hard as a rock, and say he’s ”content.” How weird! Is there any other guy like him? One who only gets hard, but never cums?

He hasn’t mentioned us sleeping together even on his days off and I know it’ll be a very long time until and if we sleep together. I wonder if it’s cuz of his so-called wet dreams. Is he afraid that I’ll feel and see that the sheets are wet and feel angry or hurt? This has just gotten to be way too weird.

He’s gotten a lot of shit done lately, but still, so many things are a joke. The bee machine. The cigarette machine. And now he says that in a week or so he’ll get the business license. Oh please! Give me a break! Who does he think he’s kidding?

I feel bad for Alex who broke up with Mary, but I had to laugh at one of the reasons why. I guess she cheated on him, but I guess she also had a problem with dryness. Then he said sorry to share that with me, which is no problem for me. I wanted so badly to slap back with, oh yeah! Well, my guy here says he wants a kid, we’re very ready and the time’s right, but he won’t cum! Never has, never will. What do you make of that? Not to mention what DES can do to a woman’s reproductive system and a God who doesn’t give a damn.

Anyway, getting it all out in here helps, as well as keeping focused on my many hobbies and the cons of having a kid. I will get through this phase. I’m sure others who can’t have kids go through their cycles too, and I’m determined to one day get over this. Just wish I knew when!

What shall I do now? Bead or read? I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out.

Later...

Holy shit! I cannot believe what Andy just told me, even though I know he wouldn’t bullshit me. He warned me that it’d be far out, but there was no way he’d make this up. I know him.

I haven’t wanted to think about or talk to anyone about Robin’s visit and it’s not that I couldn’t tell Tom, but I definitely want to tell Andy.

He didn’t finish his story and I didn’t tell him mine, cuz his friend Michelle came over. They’re going to go collect more of Stevie’s garbage.

We were talking about how he was scared to walk by his 6 or 7 visitors of his neighbor. Then he prayed and all was alright. They were friendly and didn’t give him any shit or say anything gay to him.

Again I asked why praying worked for him and not me. Especially big prayers. He said I really should get down on my knees when I pray and don’t give up on it, even if the prayers aren’t granted. He said praying for others helps, too. I have, though. I prayed for him to help Tom too, but if Tom’s so insistent and set on holding out, no one can help him but himself.

We’ll see, but anyway, as we were gabbing he said he saw something really weird. A shadow of what he believed was a black man appeared and disappear on a wall. He told me since he’s been there that he believes it’s haunted. He doesn’t know why.

I suggested he try to find out if anyone was murdered in there and he said, “That’s all I’d need to know.” Meaning he doesn’t want to know if that’s the case.

He mentioned talking to someone who reads palms and deals with entities, but we didn’t get into it too far cuz of Michelle’s arrival.

Here’s what he did say - one night he was lying wide awake in total darkness on his bed. He said he couldn’t see anything but could feel a guy crawl onto the bed from the foot of it. Then he raped Andy. He said it wasn’t painful like a real rape, but he could feel his dick sliding in and out of his butt. Then when he came, he rubbed his dick across the cheeks of his butt and he could feel that as well. He said even the next day it felt as if something had been up his butt, but there was no pain.

So anyway, he said it took him a while for a name to come to him, but finally, the name Greg came to him.

I can’t wait to hear the rest of this tomorrow. He said he won’t be home till midnight. I told him I should be up, so to call when he can. I want to share my experience with Robin with him and see if he thinks it was real or my imagination. Oh, I’d love to believe it was my imagination, but I’m about 85 - 95% sure it wasn’t. Well, at least she didn’t harm me or scare me. That shit with the knocking or tapping I heard when I asked God for a sign that he heard me was different. That scared me!

Andy said he believes everyone has a guardian angel and that they’re the ones who work for God and hear your prayers. Then they take it to God and he deals with it and makes a decision about it.

He believes in heaven, and I asked him where he thinks it is, and he wonders if they’re inside one of the planets we can’t explore. That’s an interesting theory or thing to wonder about.

He said you can’t fool God as Tom said. You know how I say that if you’re a druggie, an asshole, or don’t want a kid, you get one? Well, I certainly don’t want to be a druggie or an asshole, but I thought that if I could convince God that I was dead set against having a child, He’d grant us one, but I very seriously doubt it. On the other hand, I believe His intentions for keeping me childless are loving and protecting, too. Like He doesn’t want my worst fears about it to become a reality. Maybe it’s both. Maybe both my theories are right. Any other possibility eludes me at this time as to why He won’t allow us a child. If there’s another answer, it may take years to find it out. Some things that have happened to me that have been good, bad, or neither, have taken me years to figure out. I just wish more of my life could be dictated by me.

Later...

I hope to have no more encounters with Robin, but need I really be afraid if I do? Can she thoroughly know me and look in on me like I believe God can? Does she know everything I think, feel, believe, fear, hate, like, love, etc.? I always believed spirits of our dead loved ones could. I just hope they don’t when I’m having sex.

Can Robin read all my journals? Should I try to influence any contact with her? Maybe I shouldn’t cuz then if anything happens it’d more than likely be my imagination in a case like that. Right? I’ll have to think about it, but in the meantime, I’ve remembered a couple of other things.

I’ve also learned things about her I couldn’t and shouldn’t know, but I just know. I just do know them.

The night I talked her to sleep when I stood with her in her cabin she mentioned or said, “She’ll stay on the bed.” Meaning her dog, which I believe did sleep with me. Then something about how the dog liked me, which she said in the morning.

I wish that Polaroid she gave me was still with me. Better yet, I wish it were a picture of her she gave me.

There were two twin beds in that tiny cabin. I wonder who, if anyone, slept on that other bed normally? Perhaps that explains one of the things I now “just know.”

An adult usually slept there who was maybe sick or had to go wherever cuz she was only 16 when I was 9! When I suddenly knew this I said - 16! But how? I thought she was 20-25 back then, but I suppose a 16-year-old could look or appear 20-25 to a 9-year-old. That would make her 36 now if she were alive, not 40-something, and she died at age 26.

Would they allow a 16-year-old to take a 9-year-old overnight? Yeah, I suppose they would at a camp. I think I do remember her asking the counselor in my cabin if she could take me and the counselor saying something like, yeah take her.

I wonder why she was in that small cabin. Why not in one with other campers? Maybe she was a backup. Meaning, if a counselor in a cabin got sick, she’d go to that cabin.

I wish I could remember what we talked about. I think she was involved with the campers and their activities. Maybe sports. I was a really big storyteller back then with all kinds of tall tales. I believe I was trying to convince 1-3 counselors I was bionic at a picnic table. I wonder if she was there to hear that one. It had to have been the summer of ‘74 when I was 9. I called Andy to ask what year The Bionic Woman came out to make sure the years are right, but I’m quite sure they are.

Later...

Here’s what I know about Robin: It’s all good stuff. The only negs are she’s rather quiet. Not as quiet as Brenda was, though! Maybe not too intelligent. She didn’t have many skills, but she wasn’t stupid. She was always thin and kind of fit. She was never pretty and feminine, or ugly and dyky. She was plain. She always had her hair between her shoulders to nearly her middle back. Always a plain/casual dresser. No makeup, or the types of clothes I’d wear. No high heels, either. No drugs or violence of any kind. She was great with kids but never had any. Never married. Her income was mostly average. She had 1-2 roommates at one or more times on her own, then had either an apartment or a condo. Nah - maybe a duplex. Some kind of townhouse. She had an OK childhood. Never had many friends. She preferred to be alone. She wasn’t close with her family, but she wasn’t enemies with them, either. She may have been a Phys. ed. teacher at a school during the years. She had about two lovers and was gay.

Back when she knew me she either sensed or knew I had trouble at home and wished she could keep me. Not as a lover, though, at the ages we were. Now, she wishes we could be together if she were alive. She loves me and considers us soul mates that weren’t meant to be. This is all like - wow! Huh? I mean, it’s been 20 years for God’s sake, so I know it’s real. Especially when I hardly ever thought of her, even though I always remembered her. Why else would that experience have happened? Why else would I know all this information?

Later...

Thank God I’m not watching anything on TV right now. The pigs are swarming around right now in their helicopters like crazy and that interferes with the reception. Something big must be going down right now.

They say by Monday or Tuesday we could be in for some T-storms, so I hope there’s either nothing good on then or it’s no big deal to me if there is.

Got the clit vibrator today and I really love it! There’s still nothing like when Tom and I have fun, but the vibe is for when I get horny when he’s working or asleep it’s great. At first I thought to myself, this feels great, but I’m never gonna cum by this. I did, though, with no problem.

I got a surprise when I called Tammy’s today. It sounded noisy and I asked, “Have you got company?”

She said, “Yeah, I’ve got company”

So, I offered to call her back and she told me to hang on. Then I heard, “Jodi Lin!”

I was like - Dad?!

Yup, he’s there till Sunday, then he’ll be in Brimfield, MA doing the flea market.

He jokingly said, “I came here again cuz I like Tammy better.” I told him I was jealous, and I am to a degree, cuz I miss him and everyone else a lot.

Tom helped remind me that it’s perfectly OK to miss my family, they love me, miss me, and are proud of me, but Tammy needs them more. This is true, then Tom said, “Don’t tell Tammy this, but I think the main reason he’s there is cuz of the flea market.”

That’s true too, and we all know that.

I told Tom about some of the talks Andy and I had, and he found it quite interesting and funny. Of course, I never mentioned his black ghost or Robin and yes, I’ve had more experiences with her, but I’m not gonna get into it now.

Tom and I kind of both agree that it’d be awfully hard to fit billions and billions of spirits inside planets. I don’t think you leave the earth forever cuz then I wouldn’t have had the experiences I’ve had with Nana and Pa. I think you can be anywhere, anytime.

I’m psyched! It’s not definite, but in October or November, we could very well be going to California!

When I was talking to Tammy today I wanted to blurt out so bad that we’ll be there in May of ‘96. I didn’t though, cuz you never do know. No, I won’t be pregnant, but who knows if we’ll have the money?

Tammy says it’s hot and humid there.

I still have to see it to believe it, but she says she’ll use the tape we sent her to film them and just send that back and forth to each other. She says her hair is past her shoulders. Now that’s hard to imagine! I think the last time it was almost to the middle of her back was when she was in high school.

The Norah movie called Bullseye sucked and she was only in it twice for two seconds. The first time she didn’t look too good, but the second time she looked OK, wearing a nice pink bikini and her hair wasn’t too short.

I forgot to mention that Larry said Sandy returned the computer they had. It had too many problems.

About the sparklers; it was pretty funny. We hung up the American flag and set up the camera on the tripod. As he set the timer to take a picture, and as it snapped, the end of the flag was in his face and he was holding two dead sparklers. They went out before he could get it set up and the wind blew the bottom of the flag in his face. I can’t wait to see this!

We then set up the camcorder in case we botched up another picture which we did. This time, I don’t know if the flag was in his face, but he was holding the last of the 6 sparklers and it went out as the picture shot off. At least we have us both with sparklers on film.

I forgot to mention earlier that I began making a sequin T-shirt.

Just got an email message from Alex. He’s kind of sad and lonely now, as he broke up with Mary. This is too bad cuz he seemed so happy with her.

I wish there was a good movie on now, but there’s not. Guess I’ll go listen to music, do some computer work, or read some more.

I’ve got to soon begin 91, which will be my 5th book of the story, and probably the last as well.

I have so much to write about, it’s pitiful. Again, I wish I wrote when things were fresh in my mind. As time goes on and more stuff happens, my mind goes blank.

All had been fine and Tom said it looks possible for us to go see my family in the spring of ‘96. He told me that right before he went to bed, then an hour later, it hit me. One of those strong, sure, dead-set feelings I’m almost never wrong on. We are going to see my family which is great, but there’ll be no kid. He said, “If the kid is delayed we’ll go, but if you’re pregnant we won’t go. It’s as simple as that.”

We’re going. But I did figure as much anyway.

Despite all the pros of not having a kid, I was so angry as I was lying in bed that night. (two nights ago) Through my tears, anger, and frustration, I said, “God, I want to know why? What’s on your mind? Why are so many things in this world so unfair? Me and my friend Andy have prayed several times, but it’s quite obvious You don’t want us to have a child, so I’m not even gonna beg for one. I just want to know why. Are we too good? Not good enough? Is it not a good or right thing for us? Will it really ruin our marriage? Would it really kill us physically or mentally? Is it because we’re not losers, abusers, or druggies? Why, why, why?”

Then it happened. An experience I’ll never forget and will never ever tell Tom, or anyone else for that matter. Before I get into it, though, I’d like to mention a few other things that we discussed. I was confused by his telling me to never give up. Then why the decision to either get a hysterectomy or go on the pill in January? He said January’s when I decide if I still want one. (like he knew there wouldn’t be one)

I’d love to be as against it as I’m against gangs. Realistically, though, and like he said, I think I’m always gonna feel the same. I’m also gonna feel that he doesn’t really want one no matter how many times he says he does unless he ever cums. Maybe the reason why he insists he wants one is so I don’t believe he doesn’t. I asked him if he’d honestly tell me if he thought it’d be years from now until and if we had a kid and he said yes. Well, right now when he says he thinks I’m very ready, this is a good time, and that I can get pregnant, it means nothing to me till I see a certain action in bed.

Oh shit! Tom and I both forgot his promise to write in here. Oh, well, there are always other days. I’m starving now, so after I take a break I’ll write more later.

Later...

After I was letting God know just how angry I was, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with a calming, soothing, and comfortable source. No, it wasn’t my grandparents. It was Robin. I don’t know how I know or remember her name, but I just know her name is Robin M. She wasn’t by my bed long, but she said stuff like, hang on. God doesn’t hate you. Your remaining dreams will come true, etc.

First, though, I could feel her take hold of my arm, but not really feel it in the way that I would if Tom took hold of my arm.

She began by telling me she died 10 years ago of cancer, but that God makes the rules and that spiritually she was not allowed to connect with me in any way till now. She didn’t say why. She told me she always has and always will love me and that I was truly special to her.

I tried to ward the whole experience off. Tried to tell myself it wasn’t real. It wasn’t happening. I wish I could say it was all my imagination, but I know she was here. In the end, she said there were some things she missed about “life,” but that overall it wasn’t bad where she is, and that she’ll see me there someday, but not for a long time.

Larry called Sunday which is cool. The other Larry picked up another phone saying he needed it and Larry was teasing him saying, “What are you gonna do about it, big man?”

So when Larry told him I was on the phone, we exchanged quick hellos. He enjoyed the edits and the video.

When I said we were planning on me singing Desperado to music on the computer, he said to send him a tape. That shocked me cuz he used to hate my singing along with myself and most others years ago. Well, I’m sure that through talks with Mom and Dad and me singing on a few edits, he knows I’ve improved over the years.

He’s thinking of going back out on the road to stay and that eventually both Larrys will drive together and maybe own a truck or more. Yeah, I can see them driving together.

Later...

I’ve been doing quite a bit with the beads. I made 3 necklaces for my nieces which I’ll send out tomorrow, along with a letter to Kim. I made Tom a bracelet. I made myself a bracelet and a necklace and also a bolo tie. I made a strip of beads with the bead loom and plan on making a beaded barrette. We bought a barrette with nothing on it at the art store, as well as pin backings, needles, needle threaders, and silver metallic thread.

I still plan to expand on more ideas. I’m currently working on a coil bracelet that I’d wrap around my wrist several times.

Andy was over late Sunday night and agreed that I do look like I have a tan. I showed him labels, beads, and my 3-D journal.

Then I taught him the intro I figured out to an Abba song that I hate and he loves. We played a little keyboard and I forgot that I knew how to play If I Were You by Stevie. He taught me shortly after we met up again.

My day didn’t start off on a good note today. Tom said I was having a “crisis” cuz I felt feverish.

I was? Since when is feeling warm a crisis? It was warm in here, though.

He put a regular white blind up over the outside of the living room window the day I got the 60-drawer cabinet for the beads, so that’ll help.

I told him, though, don’t ask for me to tell you what bothers me mentally or physically if it’s gonna upset you.

Earlier this evening was quite a riot, though. He had to go to bed early cuz he’s got to get up early, so we lit the box of sparklers Ma gave us before it was dark.

I have been so very, very busy. That’s why I didn’t get to finish this book yesterday as I planned. The last two days have been very fun and productive. For some reason, my mind is blank as far as Thursday goes. What did we do? I guess not much. He worked and I did my usual routine. We swam and I made dinner. We screwed, as well as today. I’m still doing whatever I can to deal with knowing we’ll never have a kid (no matter what he says).

We were super busy yesterday. We set the bombs off at 8:30, then Tom, Piggy, and I went to a drive-through to get breakfast, then to Mom and Dad’s. Piggy was not only comfortable as usual with riding in the car, but he had a ball at their house. He still ate his lettuce, squeaked, laid down, and sat with me, and even Mom and Dad.

We took our camera over to show them and we took a picture of Piggy sitting with Ma in her chair. One copy will be ours and one will be for Ma. She’s got a picture frame of different animals that the family has or has had over the years. I’m sure she’ll add this to it. I brought her a picture of me I didn’t like. I also brought her some of my drawings to see and she liked this lion I drew so much that by using a program Tom wrote that scans it onto a grid, she’s gonna crochet it! What an honor that she liked it enough to crochet it. She also gave me pictures on grids of a squirrel and an elephant to shade for her. She photocopied these at the library to crochet. I’m gonna do the squirrel in natural colors and the elephant’s gonna be more far out. This is the least I can do for her for all she gave me, which is like - wow! For years this Mexican family who made and sold jewelry rented a nearby house. Whenever they’d go visit their family in Mexico, they’d leave their jewelry at their house. One day they left and never returned. Therefore, the jewelry’s been there for years with no one interested in it. I couldn’t believe it when she gave it to me. I was like - oh my God! Thanks so very much! There were millions of different beads in so many different colors. Mostly tiny microscopic beads, but there were some bigger ones. There were longer beads, colored glass stones, lots of silver chains, some clasps, raw and polished turquoise, and all kinds of sequins. Not just regular little round sequins, but bigger ones in the shapes of birds, flowers, moons, etc. There are markers for drawing on clothes or whatever. I never had so many beads in my life. I probably have more beads, turquoise, and sequins than anyone else in Phoenix.

Tom has a little cabinet of drawers where he keeps screws, nails, and bolts, and all kinds of things. Well, we’re gonna get one of those for me. I spent hours separating beads. Some of them were all mixed up, so I sorted them by color.

I told my dad and sister about it. And Andy, too. I’d like to make different people different things. My sister likes men’s double extra-large V-neck T-shirts. My mom’s an extra-large. I may make them a beaded sequin T-shirt. Mom and Tammy may like turquoise, but not beads. The kids will like beads, though. I also want to make Mom S. and Andy something. I’m gonna make Tom a bracelet with blue beads. Blue is his favorite color. There was also a tiny charm with a #1 on it which I’ll put on it.

After we came home, I rinsed off stuff the bomb came in contact with and he changed Piggy’s cage. He turned the mister on and we went swimming.

I put some of my drawings in plastic folders but I’ve got to get more. They’re great cuz they’ve got holes so you can put them in binders. They’re in a photo album. Also, they’re easier to take out than it is to take out of the photo album cuz they can rip easily from the sticky stuff in the photo album.

Later...

Later yesterday afternoon we went to the mall and ate. Then we went to Old America, an art store. I didn’t get a doggy mug this time, but the next time I do, I’ll be getting a golden retriever. What we did get were things to make two bolo ties. We haven’t quite figured out yet how to put it together and we may be missing a piece.

We got a bead loom so we can make wide Indian bands for whatever.

Lastly, I got a puzzle that goes well with Arizona. It’s of a guitar with cowboy boots, an Indian print blanket, a harmonica, and a few other things.

Our last stop was at the library where I renewed Shadows and picked up The Beauty Queen Killer, a murder mystery.

Kim sent me yet another letter which is nice since I won’t be hearing from Bob. She said she really liked the idea of me disguising my handwriting and saying I was a fellow inmate with a crush on him, but not Chassidy-connected, or else he’ll show it to his lawyer. Who cares if he does? It won’t do him any good.

Anyway, I’ll write back to her, as well as to Tammy and my parents. I sure do have a lot to tell everyone. I still have much more to write about too, but I’ll do it in the next book. The 3-D kitty journal which is #93.

Later...

Lisa and I had another phone music session. She got the songs I sent her and began singing a song she made up. I played the notes on the keyboard for her and told her what they were, and she wrote them down. She also had me play My Time Has Come on the guitar.

Now I’m gonna go start typing letters, then later I’ll write about Andy’s close encounter with Stevie Nicks.

Later...

Boy, am I getting tired. It won’t kill me to write a little more, though.

Tom said on July 4th he’ll write something in here. I made him swear to it!

As for Andy’s close encounter, here goes - he and his friend Michelle who’s also a Stevie fan went cruising around Camelback Mountain. When they drove by Stevie’s parent’s house they saw her Jaguar parked there. They wouldn’t go up and ring the doorbell cuz he does respect her privacy. He says she gives him enough time when he sees her in concert. Anyway, they went over to her house and it happened to be garbage night, so they grabbed a bag. I guess they don’t throw their stuff in dumpsters over there. They have no alleys for them, either. He said he found lyrics and notes she wrote herself.

He was able to learn she was recently in the recording studio here in Phoenix, is putting out a new album, and is going on tour soon.

One note made no sense to either of us. It said: decorate house, don’t decorate house, sell house, claim bankruptcy, buy condo, buy house back.

How can she be having money problems?

The other thing he mentioned was half a dozen $30 boxes of facial products she bought at an expensive department store.

I typed up letters to Tammy and my parents. Tomorrow I’ll do Kim’s.

It’s also nice to be back in a book this size so I can lay on my stomach to write. It’s comfier that way and it gives my back a rest. I can only sit slumped over writing for so long.

I like this kind of hot chocolate I got cuz it came with a separate pouch with a lot more marshmallows than you usually get.

Gonna go read and listen to music now.

Tom wanted to screw me yesterday, but I told him I could only handle oral right now, so that’s all we did. I told him why intercourse was getting more and more awkward for me. Also, that oral should be for me, my doing him by hand for him, and screwing for us. Meanwhile, although he said he agreed, I feel screwing’s only for me. We talked about it last night, but who knows what we’re gonna do?

This morning he apologized for saying mean things to me last night.

What mean things? I don’t remember him saying mean things.

I respect his belief that our sex life will continue to improve and that we can have a kid, but I don’t think he’s too happy with what I feel. He knows he and I can’t change what I feel, though. He wishes I would have the “you never know” attitude and not blame either one of us or be dead set in my mind that we can’t have a kid. I agree that it’s best for me not to blame either one of us, but I can’t make myself believe it’s possible. The only way I could believe it was possible would be if he came regularly and I still wasn’t getting pregnant.

Later...

Besides typing this up, I’ve got to get on with my 5th storybook which will be in journal 91. I began next week’s letter to my parents, but not Kim and Tammy’s yet.

Tammy and I were teasing each other yesterday over the phone. We each said we were bitches in the past and Tammy reminded me of how when she and Larry would feed me, I’d eat so slow that they’d eat my food.

Each of us had our own reason for why we had it the worst. I had it the worst cuz I was the youngest and got sent away, as far as I’m concerned. Tammy felt she had it the worst cuz of Larry kicking her around, which is an unpleasant memory for me.

Then sarcastically she goes, “And of course, you were so cute.”

As far as I remember, I was a chubby geek who was stupid throughout most of my childhood. I was always jealous of others cuz they were smarter than me, prettier, or had the kinds of parents I wished I’d had.

I’m not perfect, but nowadays I can say differently after years of hard work. I feel I’m smart and not too bad looking. I think most of us get smarter and better looking with age. I just never thought I’d know as much as I do or hold my weight steadily at or near 100 pounds for nearly 10 years.

Tammy and Tom were talking while I was still in the shower. She wanted to wish him a happy birthday. She told him she was trying to shoot a fox with a shotgun that kept going after their chickens. That oughta be a funny sight to see.

Later...

Andy left a message saying to wait till he tells me all about a feeling he had that came true. Oh, how I hope to hell it’s not something like him having a feeling that Bug would give my name to that pig, then she did. I will fucking kill her if she does, I swear! Anyway, he’ll call me when he gets up.

Later...

Andy should be calling anytime now. I only hope he doesn’t have horrible news for me. He told me in his message last night how he accidentally recorded over some classic scenes from his soaps.

I told him I have a theory or an idea. It sounds bizarre and doubtful that may be only wishful thinking, but instead of God having us go to court, maybe He’ll do something else. Maybe his accidental recording over that tape will be his punishment cuz God knows we sure as hell ain’t gonna do this again. For me, maybe it’ll be not ever having a kid, but that’s not in my cards anyway. We’ll just have to see.

I’m up to April 20th of my typing up this book. I did the dishes and went for a dip in the pool. As hot as it is, I’m gonna cook us pork chops, mashed potatoes, and maybe even butter noodles. I meant to say I’ll cook us baked potatoes. I think I’ll go read and do some word seek puzzles. Tomorrow my library book needs to be renewed.

Later...

I wish Andy would hurry up and call. I’ve been racking my brain trying it figure out what the hell he could be talking about, but haven’t been able to think of it. I suppose it could have something to do with the calls cuz he wouldn’t leave it on the machine for Tom to possibly hear. Maybe there was trouble at work for him, who knows?

When I suggested praying since it works for him, he said that God wants us to take responsibility for our faults. Although, I did pray to Him over the bogus threats the cop said we made. I know I’m not guilty of that, I told Him. The pig could be bluffing, though.

He told me he didn’t have a good vibe or a bad vibe. He said he had an unsure vibe. I sure as hell don’t know what to think or what I feel. It obviously isn’t gonna just go away, so I hope to hell it can be worked out somehow and that my name keeps the hell out of it. It’s not him I don’t trust. It’s Bug that we just can never be too sure about, but if she goes back on her word to me about not mentioning my name, she will be very, very sorry. And I’m not gonna warn her of this promise, either. I’m just gonna pounce on her by surprise in whatever way I see fit if need be. I only hope it doesn’t come down to that.

I’m so bored out of my mind now, so I guess I’ll go listen to some old tapes of conversations.

Later...

Well, Andy’s not up yet cuz I just called his VM and he hasn’t gotten my message yet. I’ll just keep waiting, but once again, I hope he calls before Tom gets home.

I think I’ll listen to the tapes another time. It’d be hard to hear with all the fans we’ve got on. The one in my room is noisy and the fan on the stand in the living room is semi-noisy, but the ceiling fans in the living room and back room are pretty quiet. Tom says that as soon as that big incentive check comes, we can check out a better AC system. That’d be nice cuz once it gets over 105º the EC is useless. Over the last few days, we couldn’t keep this place under 82º, but it’s better than the winter and the pool temp’s great. The AC we have isn’t efficient, as I’ve said before. When the monsoons come in August when it’s more humid, a million ECs would do us no good.

Later...

Andy called a few hours ago saying he and Bug haven’t heard anything from the pig.

What his feeling was all about was that last night he sensed pigs nearby. Later his neighbor told him they were called to a domestic dispute next door. He said thank God they didn’t knock on his door cuz he was smoking a joint.

I’m gonna tape his soaps for tomorrow and Monday. I don’t know what’s wrong with his VCR, but his friend Pam lent him a VCR that he was having trouble hooking up.

Tomorrow morning we’re gonna bomb. We’ll go through a drive-through, then to his parent’s house.

Tom got in around 2:30, then we went swimming and we just finished eating. I made pork chops and baked potatoes.

Later...

Well, well. We actually screwed. Believe it or not, I didn’t cum either, but it was awesome. The variety of his movements with his hands as well as his dick was pretty amazing. I think the only reason I didn’t cum was due to the heat and the moisture. Moisture makes his job easier, but my hand slips off my clit. Plus, I wanted to hurry up so he wouldn’t die.

I wish my hummingbird would hurry up and arrive. That’s the clit vibrator. Sometime after the first it will, I guess.

Now knowing for sure we’ll never have a kid has got me thinking more about my singing. Due to my being dumb enough to let myself get caught up in something that could never happen, I’ve neglected my music. If only always just for fun, I’ve wasted time crying over the impossible when I could’ve been creating music.

Tom’s 38 today and has found all his notes and his card. He’ll be home anywhere between noon - 5 PM today.

Unfortunately, he has an ear infection. I’ve been treating it with alcohol and peroxide, so hopefully that’ll cure it.

He’s been dismissed from jury duty, too.

I saw Gloria on Oprah. She sang well but does look awful chunky. Her baby’s cute, though, whereas most babies are ugly. Nayib’s taller than her now.

Andy finally got his 70s CD. I have some uncool news concerning him, but I’ll get to it after I check out a movie I taped.

Also, a cool talk I had with Lisa. Tammy asked why I didn’t tell her today was Tom’s birthday. I could’ve sworn I did in a letter.

Later...

Well, I’ve got two signs telling me I may be ovulating. I have quick, faint cramps and my temperature’s up. Well, it doesn’t do me much good anyway, with a guy who will never cum, does it? He can say he wants a kid a million times a day, but what do I say? He never really wanted it that bad. When and if he does - he’ll cum. You only ovulate for 1-3 days, so by the time we do get around to having sex, it’ll be too late. Plus, I still don’t know if it’ll be that easy for me to screw when I know that all that’s going through his mind is, don’t cum. Just take care of her. He’s even said how he’s easy, so why doesn’t he just have me stroke him by hand and go down on me?

I told him last night that I can see myself dancing from November - February. It seems logical. He said he disagrees and that there’ll be things going on here. Yeah, right. We both know nothing more will be going on here than what already does. Believe me, though. I’m busy enough with all my hobbies.

Yesterday I finished typing up the last journal! It took me a little over a year from 4/13/1994 - 6/27/1995. It would have been just under a year if I had not typed up my story journals and 69 with my people write-ups which I hadn’t planned to do originally.

My second word-seek magazine came yesterday.

Later...

Here’s my not-so-cool news concerning Andy. About a couple of weeks ago, he waited on a couple of young girls at work. One or both of them had a stepmother who they say’s a real bitch and was milking their dad’s money who had just died. The girls are from Florida and the stepmother lives in Sun City. Andy offered to call and say weird stuff to the stepmother and the girls were like, “Oh, could you?!” So on the night of June 7th, I believe it was, Andy called me and said he just called there once. Then he called twice more and we both said weird stuff. Nothing threatening or sexual, cuz we haven’t done that shit since around 1988. He did most of the talking and I might have read a few lines from journals. I know I said something like - The green leprechaun jumped off of my box of Lucky Charms and started singing to me.

So anyway, Andy called me saying he got a message to call a detective in Sun City and he called with me on the line listening. Andy did fine, except for being too slow in answering questions, not insisting it was a friend of Diana’s, and asking if his voice was heard on a tape of the conversation that the detective claims he has which is bullshit. I know it couldn’t have been taped cuz of the way he was reading our quotes from a report form and also cuz half of it was bullshit. We never said we’d burn the place down, or knew what the woman was wearing that day, and a few other things. The woman in Sun City must’ve thrown in a few lies and exaggerations.

When Andy asked if his voice was the one he heard, the pig said he’d have to run it through all this high-tech equipment I know they don’t have and wouldn’t use in a case like this even if he did have it. Also, if he did have a tape, he’d be able to say he recognized Andy’s voice. The pig also said the name of the stepdaughter is Claudia who he thinks is the main culprit in all this and that started the whole thing.

So, the stepmother suspects the stepdaughter, huh? And we never ever mentioned a connection cuz Andy swore he wouldn’t. Andy denied knowing anything about it which is good, and I told him I highly doubt it’d go to court, but if it did, I’d go with him. Also, if he was to be going to court, it’d be subpoena first, questions afterward in court. I doubt he’d be spoken to about it first.

Andy mentioned Diana’s name but said he doubted she would do a thing like that and she didn’t. She was just there in the room. The pig acted as if he knew her and Diana do have a record. The pig sounded like he just wanted to clear it up without it turning into a big deal, but I told him that he and Diana should deny it, even if it did come down to court and to keep my name out of it cuz of my record even if it’s just petty prank calls. Also, never trust a pig.

So, he had me call Diana at work and I filled her in on the scoop. She didn’t seem upset and said there’d be no problem. She’d just deny it and keep my name out of it.

When I got up at 5:00 this morning there was a message from Andy which he left at around 9:00 last night for me to call him ASAP. He had already gone to sleep, but I listened to his messages. There was one from Bug saying she was upset with him, I called her and so did a detective, and why did her name have to get dragged into it at all? Who knows why she was upset but I sure hope to hell my name didn’t get into it as she promised. I don’t know if I can trust her, although Andy says I can. I’ll have to see that for myself.

Although the calls were traced to Andy’s phone with *57, I told him this morning on his machine that if the pig calls back to say, “Look. Either charge me or drop it. I won’t say anything to you at all without a court-appointed attorney, so charge me or drop it and I’ll make sure no one gets access to my phone.”

I don’t know what to think about it. I don’t know if my name’s in it or what. Or if he’ll have to go to court. He only made 3 calls 2-3 weeks ago, so I don’t know if they’d charge him. This is Phoenix and not Deerfield, but time will only tell.

Later...

Tom got a birthday package from my parents. It looks like it could be a shirt. We’ll see when he gets home which could be at any time from now until 5 PM. I hope he doesn’t come home before I get to talk to Andy. The last thing I want is for him to be in this and to feel let down. I know how he worries, too. Andy usually sleeps from 5 AM-1 PM.

He still likes living where he is but says his neighbor’s music is still too loud. The guy’s a dealer and in a gang, so I hope it works out for him. This world has such a “hear me!” obsession.

A palm tree’s coming up in the corner of the block wall by the pool. Cool.

I’ll still write about Lisa and other shit later.

Later...

I talked to Andy and Bug and Bug said she was gonna blow off talking to the pig. I told them both never to talk to him again without a lawyer, but Andy called him back.

He said he asked Andy who the woman was singing on his machine, but he wouldn’t give out my name. Then he said the pig said he taped his voice, Bug’s voice, and my singing, is gonna use it to determine who the two voices belong to, will charge both people, he’ll hear from US West, lose his phone, and go to court.

Who the fuck knows for sure if we can really trust Diana who calmly and confidently swore she’d keep my name out of it. Andy still feels it’s all a scare tactic to try to trick him into confessing, and I sure hope so. If he’s willing to charge this second person, then why wasn’t he charged when I got in trouble for calls we made together on my phone back east? And with that asshole Ron in 1986? I told him that I know praying works for him, so he may try praying he doesn’t have to go to court. This pig can’t have us on tape. There’s no way, cuz then the little fuck would know that we did not make any threats. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but I hope Andy and Bug keep their mouths shut. I also happen to know it’s illegal to tape someone without their knowing it. I was charged with it.

Later...

Tom just got home and opened his package. Along with a card and a pretty happy birthday bag, were two flags. A huge American flag and one of a horse the same size as our Noah’s Arc one. It’s nice that they remembered how he loves horses. They remember a lot of things these days, whereas up to a few years ago, they didn’t remember shit. Either that or they just didn’t care.

I hope Andy doesn’t call anymore today. I really don’t want to discuss any more of this phone, Bug, and pig shit anymore right now.

Yesterday’s chat with Lisa was cool. We mainly talked about music. I had no idea I was in her discussions as much. She said she told her music teacher at school that she had a talented aunt who sings and plays the guitar out in Arizona. Well, that’s nice, but I reminded her how much I’ve been slacking off on my guitar.

She said in an unfortunate tone of voice, “I’m the only one in my family who likes to sing.”

I said, “So? I’m the only one in mine who likes to sing, but that’s OK.”

Then she said she was gonna take the $800 she expected to get from her bat mitzvah at age 13 and come out here by herself. Of course, Tammy had no idea about it.

She also told me about school and some trouble she made. She wishes we were closer so we could sing and she hates it there, too. She feels bad for not writing as much, but will now that school’s out. She said Tom has to write to her and she mentioned something about sending songs she wrote. She’s got 4 journals in which she says she sometimes swears in and calls her sisters little brats.

Anyway, I’m sending her all 19 of my songs cuz she says she can’t find any of them.

A little while ago, when I made Tom a hot dog, I jammed a candle into it which wasn’t the easiest thing to do. He was laughing his ass off.

Later...

We went in the pool and the Jacuzzi a little while ago, then Tammy called to wish Tom a happy birthday.

Bill had to go into the hospital again for tests, has chickenpox cuz he’s got no immune system, and Becky was crying like hell. Shockingly and amazingly enough, though, she maintained a sense of humor that she almost never has even when things aren’t going so bad. I’m getting tired so I’ll write about it later or tomorrow.

First though, we still haven’t had sex and I can’t say I’m disappointed about it, either. He did some touching in the pool, but he’s probably waiting till he comes closer to the end of his day when he’ll be more tired to make it easier to keep from cumming. He does that a lot and he probably knows I could be ovulating.