I’ll have to ask Tom to turn up the thermostat on the water tank. I can’t get the water for baths or showers hot enough since it’s cooled down.

When I went out yesterday morning to feed the birds as the sun was coming up, it was freezing.

Andy sure has a big crowd at his place. I just called and right away he said he couldn’t talk, but thanked me for calling. So, I left him a message. At least he’s in a good mood and will probably call at some point during the night.

I’ve decided to use the remaining 12 pages in 91 to chart my asthma. Remember how I said I was using the peak flow meter? Well, Tom made a graphics chart so we can do it on the computer, too. I’m supposed to be at 415. I mean, that’s the best for a female my size, but I’m usually around 350.

Got mail from Kim today. A quick letter from her with 6 Bob letters. Nothing new or funny from Bob. Gonna go see if I got any email from Alex and maybe watch some TV. I should polish my nails, too.

Later...

I haven’t finished the medley yet, but I probably will during the night. I’m starting with a variety of artists, then I’ll do Gloria and Linda’s stuff.

Wow! Only 26 pages away from journal 100.

Jesus Christ! Remember how I had my upper or lower (I can’t remember which) wisdom tooth pop up or down for a day or two? Now my upper one is popping outward to the front right in the gum line.

I guess I don’t have to wake Tom up at 5:00, seeing that he just got up.

I still haven’t fired up the computer yet, so I think I’ll go do that.

Later...

I did some typing and some singing and worked some more on the medley.

Yup, the M’s moved out of state. Information only had one Dean M just outside Phoenix, but it was non-published. It could still be them, though, cuz if they’re hiding from anything or anyone, they may want a non-published number. If they moved to Idaho, he may be staying back with a friend or relative till the house sells. Tom says it’s not necessary to stay back till it sells, but who knows just what those weirdoes do?

Andy called this morning doing what he does best – discussing his problems with others. He had a fight with Pam. She supposedly scammed him by selling him shitty weed.

Still hanging in at 102. Of course, it’s best to lose weight slowly, so by mid-November I’d like to be 100. Perhaps 98 by my birthday.

Out of all the times it’s been easier to deal with never having a kid, this has been the best. I’ll probably always write about it and year after year I’ll probably always write about Tom’s not cumming and how he always says he will cum soon, then make excuses for why he didn’t, but at least I don’t feel like I’m gonna freak out, get all emotional and burst into tears. I guess I’ve just learned from past experiences not to fight what is or isn’t in the cards for me and to just accept whatever can and cannot be. Fighting for the ideal woman all those years which wasn’t meant to be and I knew wasn’t meant to be sure was exhausting. I don’t miss those exhausting, upsetting, and frustrating fights. It’s too soon to say how I’ll feel about fighting it out in a doctor’s office in ‘97, though.

Anyway, I’m a bit bored right now. I don’t really feel like doing any of the things I could do, like dust or vacuum. I’m not awake enough for that.

Also, speaking of fighting, I still can’t get up the nerve to pray to God cuz I’m not sure if it’s worth it with some of the shit that goes on in this world. The worst He can do is make sure we really never get any of the things we want, but what if He gets mad and makes shit go wrong? For example, Tom says that in God’s eyes, our having a child is morally correct. But how can He? If He really thought this, Tom wouldn’t be the way he is and we’d have one. I believe God considers it a definite no-no for me/us and in being persistent for one, I’m afraid of something happening. I feel like I’m asking for something that God’s shown me to be a very obvious no-no, not meant for me at all. Is it really bad or harmful to pray for something God won’t ever allow you to have? What do I do? Should I dare even take a chance?

I wish I could feel Robin more. I wish we could communicate more about more things.

How can I at least ensure myself that I’ll deal with it better and better with time and that I won’t return to constantly being hysterical about never having a kid? How can I get my husband to admit to his games and his never wanting a child? How can I ever get and keep a normal sleeping schedule? How can I ever quit smoking forever? My life could’ve been perfect if it weren’t for these things. Wouldn’t my life be perfect now if it weren’t for these 4 issues as well as the singing? Or would I have other problems instead to deal with? Would I just wish I could do or have other things instead? I wonder. At least it’s better than all the problems I used to have and there are a lot of people out there with a hell of a lot more and worse problems than I’ve got. Believe me, I know I really truly am very blessed. I understand that no one gets all they want. I know that’s not realistic, practical, possible or logical for anyone to get every single thing they want.

Later...

Oh, my God! I absolutely don’t believe it! My mother quit smoking 3 weeks ago. I would’ve bet my life that she’d never quit. She was as sure that she could never quit as I am that I can’t. I asked her if it really is swapping one misery for another and she said she thinks of smoking a lot, but it won’t be forever. She said she got really sick, had to go to the hospital, and then she gave the doctor her cigarettes and that was it. She went out and got a needlepoint kit to keep her hands busy.

I said we all have our weaknesses and strengths and that right now my weakness was not being able to quit smoking. Who knows, I told her, me and others thought I couldn’t do other things I’ve done, so maybe someday, and her answer was - that’s right. Anyway, I’m really happy for her.

Dad was bummed about how America’s Funniest Videos only played the tape for 10 seconds when he had 9 minutes of it and he thought the winners weren’t funny. I agree, but life isn’t fair. It’s sort of like the way the lottery works. You win if you already have money. You don’t win if you don’t have money.

I talked with Tammy too, who says all’s well.

Later...

I’m only gonna jot down a few things, then it’s off to bed cuz I’m beat.

I don’t understand. I’ve had a full period which still hasn’t completely stopped, I’m not constipated, I’ve hardly eaten, yet I’m still quite bloated.

I was sitting outside and it was so peacefully quiet. It’s great not to want to go out there, but worry that their dogs or kids will ruin the peace. Now I can concentrate on writing out there, doing word search puzzles, etc. I know, though, that it won’t last forever and that the noise will be back. I’m so lucky that no one’s moved in yet. I really thought that house would sell right away. For every quiet and peaceful day that goes by, I fear that all the more I will be severely compensated. If only I knew Robin wasn’t a hoax and that her spirit was real for sure and that she was right when she told me I have nothing to worry about. It would take some stress and worry off of me. Meanwhile, there’s no need for me to worry till the kids and dogs get there. Then I’ll deal with it. For now, I’ll just enjoy the peace till it’s shattered. I should’ve saved on the computer the letter I sent the M’s. I would have if I’d known they were gonna move since I’m gonna need it eventually.

For a while there it looked like I may hit 100 on the 8th anniversary of these journals, or writing I mean, but I guess I could hit 100 as soon as tomorrow.

Shit, I just realized that by the time Halloween comes, I’ll probably be asleep when the damn trick-or-treaters are out. Even if we turn the lights off, someone may still be dumb enough to ring the bell or pound on the door. The doorbell wouldn’t wake me up but knocking probably will. Maybe I’ll throw the couch cushions into the music room, along with the fan, and crash there. The music room isn’t at the front of the house. Although, then again, I do believe I can recall sleeping fine through Halloween of ‘93 with the fan. We’ll just wait and see.

I’m really having a fuller period, so that’s good. I’m still hanging in at 102 pounds.

Later...

Tom’s sorting some electronic parts till the pork chops I’m making are done. I’m not eating any, though. I’ve had a TV dinner, some fried shrimp, a few mini blueberry muffins, and a granola bar. I’ll eat another granola bar before bed.

For a few minutes, Tom played his game last night. I played along too, as I don’t mind every now and then. I told him last night that getting down to 175 pounds didn’t seem to be something that was him. So he said he was gonna prove me wrong about that and the kid.

Uh-huh. Right.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sensed Robin. I’ve even tried to reach her but to no avail. What was the purpose of what happened with Robin last July? Will I ever sense her as strongly again?

I rearranged my binders earlier and I have decided there’s no need for me to keep printing out the journals I type up. All I wanted was backup copies in a fireproof form. There’s no use in me using up so many ribbons and pieces of paper and binders which will take up so much space as time goes on. So, as of now, I’ve got 5 binders full of journals, 1 of letters and 1 of stories and 1 of a variety of things. Stuff like the edits, my songs, etc. Basically, all I’ll use binders for from here on out will be for letters.

I wonder if my planner has a hidden purpose for my writing journals. Could there truly be some unknown purpose? If I died right now, the only person who I could see reading them would be Andy. Tom would be busy or put it off forever. If we had had a kid and I died of old age, it probably wouldn’t be interested after living with me for about 18 years. Plus, if the kid was like most people it wouldn’t be interested in reading someone’s journals. I think most people would rather read regular story/education books.

Since we got a few more fonts a few months ago, I decided to go through them and make a list of the ones I like for Journal 100.

Today was a good day, even though I slept late. Tom had fun at the tracks today but didn’t win. He says his mom would really like for me to go sometime and that she and I would probably take the shuttle bus they have and go to a swap meet.

Tom and I started to play around with Andy’s 4-track and I even heard myself sing backward.

Andy was telling me how he’s only gonna get 6 free therapy sessions, then will have to pay for it. He’s only gonna take the 6 free ones. I know therapy can help, but he’s in a similar boat that I was in. A therapist can’t give him money and the man of his dreams. At least he’s in Arizona, has a nice roommate, a car, and can hold a job and schedule. I agree with Tom that he’s survived through worse shit and things will get better. I hope they do, anyhow, cuz he deserves it.

So far I’ve been 102 lbs all day today. Last night was weird, though. I fluctuated from 102-104. I weighed 104, ate a bowl of cereal cuz I was so damn hungry and then I weighed 102. Tom weighed 208, then ate bacon and Hamburger Helper then he weighed 212.

Today I sure flowed heavily, but I needed to since my last 3 periods were so light.

I told Tom I’d be flowing heavily for sure today so he thinks I’ll be mid-cycle on 11/5, but I really will be on 11/3.

In my letter to Bob, I asked him to make sure he let me know when he gets those puzzles and Robin’s story (Reunited Love). In his letter to me which he dated 10/17, he said he was “looking forward to getting the puzzles and my story.” Not, “I got your puzzles and story.” He should have gotten it by the 17th if I’m remembering correctly when I sent it so I hope to hell he gets it. I hope I didn’t put too little of stamps on it (I put no return address label on it) and I hope no guards stole it.

Later...

I’m almost done making the best medley I’ve ever made.

We just screwed on the couch. We both like the bed better, though. I couldn’t cum cuz I couldn’t reach enough of my clit due to the angle.

I took down 4 puzzles that I had hanging by nails and thumbtacks and put them back up with that two-sided sticky stuff. I have 8 more to redo but have to wait till we can get more of that stuff.

It’s a good thing I don’t care to constantly change wall decorations cuz once they go up, they’re not coming back down. Who knows how you remove this stuff?

Things have been OK with us which is nice. Last night he said again how things are ready to roll. He always says that and always will. At least things are fine the way they are right now. I think the only thing Tom should do is accept the fact that we are gonna need to go to a doctor to have a kid in ‘97 as long as he’s unwilling to cum. He denies this. He’s either in denial or knows he never plans on going through with going to a doctor in ‘97 and I sure as hell hope that isn’t the case. Not unless I decide for whatever reason that I don’t want one. What I think will happen in the long run (or between now and ‘97) is that he’ll either confess to never intending to have a child or he’ll cover it by saying he’s decided it’s not what he wants. This is what I really truly believe will happen. He’s not gonna very well stall it without giving me a reason after 4/1997. He’s got to come up with and tell me something.

Larry called Wednesday night, as I said before. I only spoke to him cuz Sandy, Larry and Jennifer were asleep. He loved the envelope I last sent him and he said he saved it. The one with the tiny colorful lines on the front and the: Oh no, Tammy called! On the back with changeable markers inside of musical notes. I just sent him another letter with flowers on the front and fish on the back. I also wrote, “This letter sent at 87º,” and then I drew a snowman with a long flowing scarf, sort of like a banner and on it, I wrote, “Are you ready for the snow?!” He said it was only 38º at the time we were talking.

He bought a trucking business. There are 10 trucks for starters that will be delivering all kinds of things nationwide. He won’t be driving, though, but may possibly have to come to Phoenix on a business trip. He’ll be in Florida this weekend on business and will be seeing Mom and Dad.

I’m shocked, but he said that if he is invited to Lisa’s bat mitzvah, he will go. Sandy probably won’t go.

I got a kick out of how he said he saw Dad on America’s Most Wanted. Now why didn’t I think of that one?

He also asked: Why do blondes have long tampon strings? The answer is: So that the crabs can go bungee jumping.

He and Tom said hello to each other, too. I think that’s basically all we chatted about, but if I remember more, I’ll write it in.

Later...

Tom asked me if I’d try going with no cigarettes for as long as I can on the 30th. I wish I could get him to cum regularly in exchange for it. In fact, he may find it a perfect opportunity and take advantage of that situation to cum once. Cuz then I’ll have to go 24 hours with no cigarettes, then he can go back to never cumming. Nah - he’s too stubborn to cum and very against that baby. Especially with us trying to go back east in May and money being kind of tight.

He better not lie about cumming, though, before the 15th. Maybe he’ll cum by my hand. That way I can see it and it can’t get me pregnant. I’ve given up on trying so many different things to make him cum. I’ve also given up on trying to discourage it too, cuz usually when you try to encourage/discourage him one way, he goes the other way and has admitted this.

I’ll just wait and see if I can get him in to see a doctor in 17 months. This deal, though, really has helped to give me peace of mind and to make me less anxious, stressed out and trapped. All that could happen is that he could refuse to see a doctor when the time comes or stall it.

Later...

OK, I’m now in between spotting and fully flowing, so I guess it’s enough to consider myself at mid-cycle on the 3rd of November. However, I’ll let Tom know it fully began on the 22nd, which it wasn’t supposed to till then anyway. This is the 3rd month in a row of getting my period early. At least I had no bad emotional PMSing. I did mention having a little more than spotting and he suggested I not mark it till the 22nd, so he’ll believe I’m mid-cycle on Nov. 5th. I wonder how it works. I think that even though I’m only a little beyond spotting that it still does count as the start of my period. Anyway, I marked it in 83 as beginning today, but we’ll see how he acts on both the 3rd and the 5th of Nov.

We screwed earlier since he can’t go down on me for a while cuz of the crotch cream. First we tried doggie style which didn’t work, as it never has with me. So, we screwed in our regular position, and as always, he stopped when I came. He really acted like he felt left out, but personally, I think it was all an act. Don’t get me wrong. He chooses to be left out, but he brought up wishing he could be taken care of and how he doesn’t always have to stop just when I cum. Then why did he? I believe he’s only saying this cuz I’ve mentioned how sex is only for me. Sometimes he feeds off of what I say. However, I’ve gotten used to our sex being the way it is, as I’ve come to accept that it is the way it is and that it’ll never change. Especially what with knowing we can go to a doctor for a kid in ‘97. I’d have preferred to get the kid the old-fashioned way, but this is how it’ll be unless there’s something irreversibly wrong with me, or if he comes out and tells me he really doesn’t want a kid and that he’s sorry he led me on and let it get this far, or if he puts his actions where his mouth is and he cums.

Dr. Rausch reminded me that it’s important to get a negative pap with my being DES-exposed. That, I feel may either never happen or may take forever to achieve, but when I call to make an appointment with Dr. Rugg I’ll mention being mid-cycle to Tom on the 5th and that I’ll try to get as close to that as I can.

Later...

Yes, I officially have a normal period going here. Good. It’ll make me feel better. I could use a normal heavier period for a change.

I am so very accurately psychic when it comes to periods and Tom’s cumming. I know I’ll win our bet. I know I’ll get periods in November and December. Part of it is logic too, Tom’s actions, and the way God works.

Last Wednesday, Law & Order was a new episode, so I guess they had a problem of some kind with the previous show.

Later...

Shit! My body’s acting like it did 10 years ago when I’d barely eat and gain weight or stay the same. Up till recently I could gorge and stay the same weight. All day yesterday I was 104 and here’s what I ate: one TV dinner, 1½ Slim-Fast milkshakes, one granola bar, popcorn and coffee.

When I got up today I was 103 till an hour ago and all I had today was: 2 pork chops, a baked potato, half a Slim-Fast shake, a yogurt, a granola bar and coffee (sour cream & margarine with my baked potato).

So why the hell am I back to 104 when I’m not constipated and am ragging?! I must do what I did 10 years ago and starve for 3 days to shock my system, and speed up my metabolism, then hopefully I won’t have to worry even though I’m nearly 30 and not 19.

Later...

I just did a little test on the computer. Earlier I was copying and pasting my songs into the file that’ll be Journal 100, but it wouldn’t let me print them out without popping up a message to me saying there was an error in that application. This made me fear I wouldn’t be able to type a page in jour100 and print it out, but luckily I had no problem. I typed up a page, printed it out, then threw it in an NPN envelope.

Three more days till my period. Great. Then I can get some of this water off of me and my tits won’t be so sore. In a way, I wish my periods weren’t so light. I know that’d call for more cramps, but it may help my tits to be less sore and it may help me be less watery. Plus, there’s always Ibuprofen for the cramps.

I know Tom really wants to go back east this May. I can tell it means a lot to him, therefore, all the more reason why I know he’ll never cum. It means a lot to me too, and if I were pregnant now, then who knows how many more years it’d be before we went to see them.

Also, money’s tight now. We’re far from starving and he says we can afford a kid, but I’m not so sure.

I believe he wants a kid (or at least I want to believe he does), but I believe much, much more so, that he’s having fun playing this game and will play it till ‘97. Then, he’ll no doubt stall on making a doctor’s appointment which will probably stop me from wanting to go to a doctor, then it’ll be over.

I’m still having an easier time dealing with not having a kid ever, due to our agreement as silly as I know that is. I’ll never be able to get this guy in to see a doctor with me. No, I’m not gonna bring up the injection to the doctor tomorrow. I’ll just let Tom play his game. It’ll only be for 17½ more months.

I told him, though, that on 11/15, he’s gonna have to face the fact that he can’t win our bet and I’m not giving him another month, cuz he’ll ask for another month until the day he dies.

Damn! I’ve been having a bad lung day and night. It had been fine for the last 2-3 days. Maybe it’s the oil paintings. I swear that shit will never dry. I also finished the fish mural and sprayed clear spray paint over that.

Later...

I’m in the bedroom now and this room still smells of paint.

Tom’s going to the racetrack with his folks on Saturday to try to further his luck, and he wanted to show them our paintings. However, I’m not so sure they’ll be dry even by then.

During an episode of Little House on the Prairie yesterday afternoon, a commercial came on to order videos of the show. So, I called their 800# and they didn’t ask for a credit card and told me they’d send a bill later. So, hopefully in 3-4 weeks, it’ll get here.

Tom may do computer work for Eldon this Sunday since I’ll be asleep for most of the day.

Anyway, Andy was over, as I said earlier. Tom and I were experimenting with the 4-track he lent us when Larry called.

Andy liked the paintings, the fish art, and he really thought the giant cat was way cool. I showed him journals he hasn’t seen, as well as Dad and another video. He too, got a kick out of people’s clothes and hairstyles from nearly 30 years ago.

We sat outside on the bench swing and talked while Piggy was down by our feet eating grass.

I also helped him find some notes and chords to a song he wrote using the keyboard and the guitar.

He says he can see that I’ve gained weight. Well, believe me, I intend to do something about it. Being fat is part of being a mom for the most part, but I’m never gonna be a mom, so I have no reason or excuse to weigh 104 pounds. At 104 I look 120. At 100 I look 115 and at 95 I look 110, so I guess I’d like to get down somewhere between 95-100.

Tom says periods are a way of cleaning a woman’s body and that minor infections are usually flushed out by periods. Either way, I want it gone and I don’t want to be infected constantly like I used to be. Especially during times I was sexually active. I may have a husband with a low sex drive, but I still hope I’m not paying for and being compensated by the few times we manage to get together here and there. When I asked Tom if God was getting me due to wanting a kid, he said he wouldn’t get me over something natural and morally correct. Well, if it’s so natural and morally correct, why won’t he let Tom let himself cum and let me have one?

Anyway, I gave Andy back the pink lace shirt to give to Pam. Also, about 12 NPN envelopes for him to mail.

Only 60 pages left, then I can begin typing the coyote one. Can’t believe I’m 60 pages away from journal 100!

I’ll write up on my chat with Larry some other time. I’m a little tight-lunged right now and I just want to go relax.

Later...

The doctor’s appointment went OK today. He told me to take an extra 6 hits a day of the Azmacort if I’m having trouble. Last night I sure was tight and wheezy. He also recommended stuff for downstairs, so I got over-the-counter stuff. I also had a flu shot in one arm and a pneumonia shot in the other.

They weighed me at 105 pounds, even though I’ve shit and only had one granola bar and one TV dinner. So, I got 6 Slim-Fast shakes and am on a diet till I get between 95-100. I don’t understand my gaining weight when none of my habits have changed and I can’t be pregnant. Even Andy noticed although he says I still look OK and I still look solid. Could it be related to stopping the Theo? Maybe it’s just age. They say around 30 is when a woman begins to fall apart (unless she’s had a kid before then). Infections down there can bloat a woman, so hopefully after I use the cream and get my period, I won’t be such a balloon.

I’m coughing up shit now, so that means that I’ll probably be sneezing tomorrow.

An EC was put on next door. Tom says there’s no way it’ll cool the whole house cuz it looked small.

Tom agrees with me that there’s no chance the place will be empty for a year. The weather’s been very warm for this time of year. In the 90s, rather than the 80s, so once it cools down another 10º - 15º, I’m sure the kids and dogs will move in then. It’s still October, though. An unlucky month in some cases around here. October’s when the M’s moved in and when the music crowd gave their concerts 2-4 times a week for nearly 6 months.

I found a better way to put up my puzzles, rather than to tack or nail them up. There’s this clear gel-like stuff that’s sticky on both sides. When I use this, it sags less. I may take down about 12 of them and put them back up using this stuff. If we ever do move and they get ruined - fine. I’ll just start a new collection.

I’m pissed. I have another infection downstairs and Tom has sores in his mouth. Another thing to get in the way of our sex life. Also, I feel so punished. What did I do to get another infection so soon? How can I stop them from coming so frequently? Is this my punishment for having sex whenever we do, and wanting more sex when obviously something doesn’t want us having more sex? Is this my punishment for wanting a child?

Till today Tom’s been saying he didn’t think I had an infection, but I just knew it before it flared up. My woman’s instinct really is accurate, so I know I’m gonna be right about us needing to see someone in ‘97, even though he says we aren’t gonna need to. Luckily, though, I have an appointment with Dr. Rausch tomorrow so hopefully, he can take care of it. Hopefully, he won’t have to give me an exam. Eventually, he or Dr. Rugg will probably want to do an exam, though.

Andy came over today. He brought his 4-track recorder to lend us to create whatever with.

Tom just got home and will be watching TV for 2-3 hours.

I didn’t finish writing about the oil painting stuff cuz I got lazy. Tom and I did our first painting together of a mountain with a lake and pine trees. They weren’t the best, but they came out pretty good for beginners. I hate pine trees, but they sure are fun and easy to do. The same with grass. I thought grass was painted by spending weeks going over every little detail. Not so, though. All you do is tap the brush onto it. It’s easier than drawing grass, cuz then you have to stroke out each individual blade.

The second picture I did was a winter scene. Again, I hate those, but they’re easier to do. There are only two things about this one I don’t like. The snow has too much blue in it cuz the Turpenoid is dirty and I couldn’t clean the blue off the brush well enough, then load it with just the white. Also, the tree I did, in the end, looks like a tree a first-grader would do. In the first picture, my background trees didn’t come out too well.

My third picture was of 3 pine trees that I did on a very small piece of stretched canvas, (stretched over a wooden frame) smaller than this book.

I’ll be back to write about Kim and Andy after a cig.

Later...

Kim sent me a letter on pretty paper with musical notes. It had a matching envelope. She enclosed Bob’s letter, the one she read to me which he happily took advantage of her sharing her “sexual” fantasies, and wrote all about his. Also, she enclosed 11 stamps. That was really nice of her.

I may have forgotten to mention this, but she’ll be sending a video someone shot of her skating at a roller-skating rink with Doug in Vernon, CT that I can keep. I’ll be looking forward to that. Eventually, I’ll send Kim and Alex a video of stuff we’ve already recorded in and around the house, as well as Dad and me at age 4 at Passover.

Later...

Andy called today with some interesting news. Yesterday he was at an intersection when the light turned green. He didn’t go, though, and two cars from the left and the right came flying out of nowhere. They didn’t even slow down when their light was yellow. Wow. I asked him why he didn’t go and said, “I don’t know. I guess I was just very aware cuz of the dream.”

Something sure was looking out for him saying it wasn’t his time. I told him to make sure he told me if he ever has a dream with me and Tom in it. Wouldn’t that be a trip if he had a dream I was pregnant? I know it wouldn’t mean anything, but it would be funny.

Tom’s home now and is eating and watching TV to clear his mind from the stressful drive home.

I am happy to say, though, that Tom finally mowed and did the sink.

I do have a lot to write about, so I better keep going so I don’t get backed up.

We saw Dad last night on America’s Funniest Videos. He was only on for about 10 seconds, but it was cool. Andy didn’t get to see it, so I’ll show him our copy when I see him. Eventually, I’ll mail Kim a tape of stuff we’ve already taped, along with Dad. Anyway, the bird went into my father’s mouth up to its neck and was chirping.

Later...

I asked Tom why he didn’t hit me for sex when we returned on Sunday. He said his leg was hurting all day. I believe him, but I still say there’s an outer source of some kind out to make sure sex is infrequent as well as the same as it’s always been.

Earlier, though, he walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes to try loosening the stiff muscle. Then he went down on me before bed.

Sunday we went to the art store and here’s what we got:

1. A small tabletop easel

2. 8 tubes of oil paint - Van Dyke Brown, Alizarin Crimson, Phalo Blue, Titanium White, bright red and yellow & green.

3. A putty knife (it’s not really shaped like a putty knife, though)

4. Liquid white (basecoat)

5. Turpenoid (you can’t clean these brushes with soap & water)

6. A 1” brush, 2” brush, a fan tip brush and a liner

7. 2 big canvases, 2 medium canvases and 3 small canvas boards

It all came to $96.85.

Yesterday I talked with Kim and Andy.

Kim sent me a letter with about 4 letters she got from Bob which were boring. No classic lines like the bunk bed incident. She read me Bob’s letter she got in response to the fantasy letter she wrote to him. She’s finally playing with his head. Bob totally fell for it and is on cloud 9. He asked her to tell him more fantasies and asked her sexual questions.

I don’t know if I wrote about the letter I’ll be sending him, but I’m going to be telling him that someone refusing to give me their name and tell me how they got my name and number called me. They say they have a relative who’s an inmate there who’s gonna bust his way into Bob’s pants.

Anyway, Tom went down on me last night and was in a fine mood when I got up. He even mentioned doing the yard and asked me if I could clear out the sink so he can bleach it, so we’ll see. He’s at the racetrack now with his parents. Before he left we both screwed and had oral sex. I won the bet as I knew I would.

Now, if we have sex regularly enough with no fights, I’ll fool him again and say I got my period a day or two sooner to see if I’m avoided mid-cycle. I don’t understand why he’d need to avoid me, though, since he won’t cum.

Last night before going down on me, he was in long enough to take care of himself, but not before sex today. He did go in right after to shower, so he probably got it out of his system then.

Last night I got to thinking. I said to myself, OK, the baby desires have been easier to deal with since our agreement, but it’s my brain! Therefore, I should be the one to control its thoughts and desires. I really wish I didn’t want to be a singer or have a kid, even in the smallest way. My life would then be so much easier and sex wouldn’t be frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, though, it’s still rather humiliating for him not to cum at least every other time to show me he’s pleased by me besides just saying he is.

I know I’ve painted a horrible picture of Tom over the last several journals, but believe me, other than his sex/baby games he’s a wonderful person. If he weren’t, I wouldn’t be here and the security and things he provides me with that I need or want wouldn’t matter.

Later...

Another dream has come true. I always wanted a typed journal. I mean with a cover and of this size, not the typed versions of my journals on full sheets of paper in binders. I keep calling the coyote journal a wolf, but it is a coyote. Anyway, that’s the spiral one I just got. Tom and I tried to set the margins properly, but he was on his way out. On his way out, though, he said, “You’re a smart girl. So, you figure it out, then you can teach me.”

I was like, “Me? Teach you something about the computer?” Well, I am proud to say that I did figure it out on a piece of paper I cut to the same size the pages are in that book. Then, I detached a piece that I typed up and put back in the book. It looks oh-so professional. As if I bought the book that way, and I can’t wait to show him.

Later...

Tom was quite impressed with the typed page I did in the coyote book. I’m gonna make a change, though. Instead of doing the remainder of the journals my parents sent next, I’m gonna type the coyote next, do the fish book, then the other two my parents sent (the dog & angel).

Tom says he should have our sex bet extended another month. I told him he’ll always need another month. He said things are starting to get so much better, though, that he feels it’ll be no problem. He’ll always say that, too.

I do feel, though, that things will be better between us and that’s what we both want. There’s really nothing left to fight about anyway. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels.

The day’s gotten even better since I last wrote. Tom won $300 at the racetrack! He filmed a few races, too. He didn’t film his parents or himself cuz he wanted to wait till I was there. I made a deal with him that I’d go with him once a year when the weather cools down.

Tomorrow we’re gonna go shopping for art supplies. He said he doesn’t want to get anything cuz the only thing he wants is too expensive.

Also, we got a letter today from a big company that distributes all kinds of software and shareware. What they say they may do is put the PrintBIG program on a disk with other programs. We won’t get any money for it, but we’ll get a free copy of this disk and more exposure. They’ll let us know after we sign an OK form.

I saw two paint shows this morning that I have saved on tape. The first one was of a woman using acrylic paints and painting roses and Santa. It really didn’t look too hard.

I really loved the second show even better. The guy’s name is Bob Ross who’s done this show for 11 years. He uses oil paints and in a half-hour, he painted this ugly, yet amazing and beautifully done winter scene.

I want to try oil painting so badly. We need to buy paints, brushes, poster boards, a palette, and an easel tomorrow.

Someone was next door earlier, but it was probably the Realtor and maybe a kid of his. Earlier there was cardboard up over all of the windows which is weird. Now the blinds are back up, but they’re shut.

Here we go again. I’ve got to compete with that damn TV while he insists there was no opportunity. He said his leg was stiff all day and that may be true, but God! I swear this guy has got the aches and pains of an 80-year-old. From what I remember, his leg didn’t get stiff till well after we returned from shopping and he could’ve initiated sex before that.

Got up at 8 AM, but am already getting tired.

Dad left a message. They didn’t make the top 3 but they’ll be on America’s Funniest Home Videos this Sunday.

I don’t believe it, but then again I do. The week before last they aired the first new Law & Order show with the new pig. Last week it wasn’t on due to some special. This week’s TV guide said the second new show would be on, but no. They had to put on an old show instead.

Tom and I are doing better, but there are still a few things that bug me and confuse me. What else is new, huh? It seems the more I ask him to do little things, the less he does them. I asked him nicely at a time when he wasn’t busy if he could please bleach the kitchen sink since bleach bothers me. He said he would, but I know him. I know him. He hasn’t done it and he never will as long as I mention it. Maybe he likes to be asked the same thing a few times around. Maybe he just doesn’t care. The bulk of his words just don’t go with his actions.

Last night I asked to make two compromises with him. 1. For him to clean the back room if my parents ever came out, and I’d smoke outside unless it was storming. 2. For him to not trash the house if we ever move, and I’ll never smoke inside no matter how the weather is. Shortly after he got home and worked on the back room until he went to bed. See? It’s either work or sex with the guy. He can’t mix the two. I also felt like he was punishing me. Cuz I asked about the back room, he wouldn’t have sex with me. Yet he says he feels spited and punished? I feel that enough of the time.

Last night I woke him up cuz I was angry and confused over some of our conversations. He cleared up what I misunderstood, but was pissed. I agree I should’ve spoken up earlier, but I’m almost sure he’d have been pissed then, too. It’s like it’s getting harder for me to talk to him without him getting emotional. Our argument didn’t last long and things were fine shortly after. He was watching TV, then came in to turn his alarm off. Some of his behavior is still asinine and unnecessary. The reason why he turned off his alarm was cuz he had no intention of going back to bed which was so stupid and neither of us was still upset. I feel he did it to be more tired, so it would be all the more obvious that we were not having sex. All he needs to do, though, is just not initiate it. He does that a lot of the time anyway and is quite capable and good at it. I told him that if we didn’t have sex over the next few days, I’d try not to accuse him of punishing me. His answer was for me to try to remember that. See? That tells me that yes, he’s already made up his mind that we won’t have sex for several days and he won’t even wait and see if he’s caught up on his sleep to perhaps have it after work tomorrow. We’re back to the same old shit of occasional sex over shit that’s done and over with. And he says to move forward after a bad day and that the next day is a new day? He oughta practice what he preaches.

He says he’s not “evil” and that he’s not trying to deliberately dupe me in any way, but could even someone who hasn’t had my past experiences not be so pessimistic, defensive and paranoid?

Why me? I ask this again and again. Why do I always have to have some weird, strange, different or abnormal situation to deal with? Can’t things just be normal? Can’t Tom just be like other guys? I once thought I could never have even the smallest dick inside me, but 3 months later after trying, I got over it. Why can’t he get over his fear of cumming? Why can’t he get over this so-called block, whatever it is? True that he doesn’t say he can’t like I did, but I don’t see him try like I did.

I just can’t help but believe by his actions that everything he says is a joke and that he really wants none of the things he says he does. Not the kid, not the music, not the business. He says the Robin case isn’t over but I know it is. What about the business he says he wants so badly? If he wants it so bad, then why hasn’t he shown me anything to do yet?

And he isn’t trying to make me wait on things?

I shouldn’t have read my story onto a tape. First of all, he’s not gonna listen to it. Secondly, I should give him right back what he gives me. I should’ve never done it or waited for several months. I should’ve made it a joke like the bee and cigarette machine and so very much more.

Will he ever film me signing all those signs I typed up? No. I will never ever do any more big projects for him unless I want to do it. I don’t care how selfish that sounds, either.

Remember all those computer magazine articles I typed up over a year ago? He’s never touched them.

Later...

I haven’t prayed, so why the desire to have a kid is easier to deal with, beats me. Maybe it’s cuz of our agreement, but I like and need it to be easier. I have a very strong feeling, though, that if I said nothing until the end of April of ‘97, he won’t bring it up till I do. I also have a very strong feeling that if I truly decide by April of ‘97 that we shouldn’t bother, he won’t utter more than a quick “OK.” He won’t be urging me to change my mind. He won’t put up one second’s worth of a fight if I do say that. He won’t shed one tear or say, “Too bad.” If I truly decide to forget about it, it’ll only be due to his actions which shows he doesn’t want it. I can’t and won’t force him to be a father.

During a moment of frustration about a month ago, I said I didn’t want a kid and his answer cracked me up. He said, “I’m not gonna make you have a kid, so tell me if you don’t really want one so I can see to it that we don’t.”

Oh, but I think he’s done a fine job of seeing that we don’t since our very first screw. Like we have anything to worry about?

Two days ago, we finally had oral sex. He was in the bathroom for about 15 minutes before going down on me. Long enough to relieve himself, and he never wanted to screw.

Later...

I just left Andy a message telling him of our agreement and how Tom feels we won’t need to see a doctor, but I do unless one or both of us decide to forget it. I asked him to let me know if he feels we won’t need a doctor, we will need a doctor and go to one, or we will need a doctor, but not go to one.

Yesterday they put new carpet down next door, but I haven’t seen anyone there today. Just a guy leave at 8:00 this morning. They left there with 5 little kids and waited till now to recarpet? Especially with the way kids destroy things? Tom says they’re really having trouble selling the house so they’re doing stuff to improve it.

I forgot to mention that there’s a gorgeous, modern 2-bedroom house for only about 50 grand next to Tom’s parent’s house that’s been for sale for a year. Oh, how I’d love for the house next door to be for sale that long! I still have a feeling it’ll sell by the time it gets cool enough for kids to be out 24/7. Right when I go to do the block wall their kids and dogs will be raising hell in the backyard. Or maybe the kids will be out front. It seems that kids play in the front of their houses more so out here. The longer it’s vacant, the better, but as each day passes that it’s vacant, I fear harsher compensation.

For over a year I haven’t heard the dog across the street. But very occasionally (less than next door’s dogs were on their quietest days) I hear it. Coincidence? Nah - God’s gotta do something.

Tom says they may have gotten a rare and great deal on a bigger house if the M’s stayed here and that’s why they split. Yeah, she’s probably pregnant with the 7th kid by now. I still feel they may have been up to something. It’s one thing to have such a large family that you can’t afford to go anywhere other than to church on Sundays, but they obviously never even went to parks or places that were free.

Later...

Better one of us than none of us, but it seems to me I’m the one that comes up with ideas to help us. Would we be sleeping in the same room if I hadn’t thought to put the beds side by side? I doubt it. Would we ever go to a doctor if I hadn’t thought of that? Almost certainly not.

My smoking habits are still the same, but my schedule flipped back to days pretty fast this time. For the last 3-5 mornings, probably more, I’ve been getting up between 6-8 AM.

Tom’s home now so I’ll write more later. I’ll have plenty of time to since we won’t be screwing around.

Later...

Tom went to bed a half-hour ago, but that’s good so he’ll have 12 hours to catch up on his sleep. He might even wake up before 5 AM.

We discussed loading all my journals into one big file so the computer can make the journal index I had started.

Later...

How fucking frustrating! Why can’t I just be one of those who draws what she sees? I wish I could be like Nancy H and Tara T were yet I can very seldom do a decent enough drawing.

Now I’m gonna write about a discussion I had with Andy yesterday. He’s told me that he’s had experiences with déjà vu during his dream state, but very rarely of danger. He says it usually involves everyday stuff, but this dream was different. He had it a week ago, and I have no bad vibes, so that’s good. In his dream, he saw two cars plow into him at an intersection. He’s pretty sure he didn’t survive it and it appeared to him that it was painless and that his soul was released. He saw all this in his dream from an aerial view.

Now I can finally try to begin to catch up on all that’s been going on. I really need to make myself write during my tough times when my thoughts are fresh in my head. I’ll try now to go through each day and explain what happened and how I felt and why I felt the way I did.

I had a case of mild diarrhea. My stomach felt like a Theodur belly cuz I was nerved up and hadn’t had too much sleep.

One of the biggest factors that made me upset during different parts of the long weekend (yesterday was Columbus Day) was how much I felt Tom was punishing and teasing me with the issue of sex, and how I felt that the TV was more important than me. I told him if he’s teasing me with sex I’ll tease him right back. I asked him why he couldn’t watch TV for a while, then take 45 minutes or so out to have sex or at least just cuddle before moving on to do computer work.

So he went on to explain certain things about himself so that I could better understand him and he told me that what I do with that information is up to me. After all this time, he finally comes out and tells me that my taking the phone off the hook before sex turns him off cuz it’s another thing that’s too planned.

Everything turns him off, though, trust me. He said it’s not fun for him to have things be in planned steps. Like turning off the ringer, turning the fan on, etc. He not only wants sex to be spontaneous, but he wants all that revolves around it not to be so planned either. He also wants to not know where our cuddling will lead to. Meaning, he doesn’t want to know that it’ll always necessarily lead to sex.

I told him I do understand this but that there’s still always something turning him off, there’s always an excuse and I don’t feel he’s putting that much effort into upping the frequency of sex, yet he sits there and tells me he loves to have sex with me cuz he loves me and is attracted to me. I feel that he’s had plenty of opportunities to initiate sex at different times throughout the weekend. After he comes home from work, eats, unwinds and digests, why can’t he initiate it then? Why does he have to watch TV and do computer work? TV and computer work is fine, but if he really wanted to, he could squeeze time for us in between this.

I do have some very good and amazing news that’ll shock you as much as it shocked me. News that really gives me more peace of mind and has me feeling less at a dead-end and up against a wall. Well, I got him to agree that if I’m not pregnant by April of ‘97 we’d go to a doctor Now this may sound good, but I’m sure there’s a catch knowing him and how he loves to procrastinate. He was gonna mow the lawn Saturday. Yeah, right. At least he planted the daisy seeds. Anyway, knowing him, who knows how long he’ll stall on making the doctor’s appointment when we do get to April of ‘97? Also, who knows if a doctor can really help us? What are they gonna do? Stick a needle in his balls, draw his cum out and shove it up me? Nonetheless, this agreement has me feeling much better. All I have to do is make sure he sticks to it. He promised to and I’m gonna make sure he does keep this promise. Then again, I may feel in April of ‘97 that I’m pushing the guy to do something he really doesn’t want to do, even though he says differently, and let him off the hook. Maybe I’d feel too guilty to make him keep this promise. Not to mention how mad, depressed and led on I may feel, too. Or maybe the best thing that could happen will happen and neither of us will want a kid at all. Still, this has made it easier to deal with. I told him that the only thing that had me wondering was the fact that he chose 18 months. That seems like a long wait for someone that says they want a kid. He told me that April of ‘97 seems so long to me cuz I feel it’ll get to the point where we’ll have to go to a doctor, whereas he doesn’t feel we will have to see a doctor I know it’ll come to that point and by the time I can get him to make the appointment, get in to see a doctor, and hopefully get something done about it, we’re talking two years or more.

Then he goes on to say that I get my way with almost everything which isn’t true, otherwise we’d have a kid, we’d be in business full-fledged, I’d be a singer and all the things we said we were gonna do would be done including the back room which I know he never really had any intention of doing since day one, regardless of what he says. Maybe cuz he feels this way is another reason for him to deliberately stall on things we say we want or I say I want, along with forcing me to be patient and unspoiled. He tells me that I imagine these things about him, but up till now, it’s still hard for me to believe that I could have such a wild and active imagination due to his actions. What else would anyone think?

If he plans to cum at any point, at this time I’d say he’d start doing so at the beginning of ‘97.

The longer we go without sex, though, the easier it is in my mind to just keep it that way. I didn’t truly want to give up on our sex lives, but like I told him, if it’s just gonna cause fights and be the same old shit that’s not too frequent but filled with excuses and turn-offs, then I don’t want any part of it. He says we’ve got to break the cycle of how we screw, then we fight, then we screw, then we fight. Well, maybe if he’d make more time for it, not have so many excuses and turn-offs and weird quirks about it and show me he really appreciates what I do to him by cumming every now and then and put some effort into trying for a kid, we won’t fight as much. This does seem to be the only thing we do fight about, after all. That and his procrastinating and being a slob. I know he doesn’t appreciate some of the ways I talk too, but I’m not perfect either. I just hope we can both work on these issues together and make them better once and for all.

If we have sex before I’m mid-cycle next month, I’ll have to do my little test again. I’ll tell him I got my period a day before I really do and see if he avoids me or only does oral sex to me 14 days after I say I started my period. I know it wouldn’t matter even if we screwed when I was really at that 14-day marker since he won’t cum, but I want to see how much longer this already lengthy pattern continues.

Yesterday we got along much better and got out of here. We went to his parent’s house. First we went to get frames for two oil paintings done by some relatives of theirs who live in Michigan. They were beautiful and I’d really like to be able to do this. Tom and Ma said they didn’t see why I couldn’t with my ability to draw and Tom said that there’s a show that shows them do an oil painting of the same size of 12 x 16 in half an hour. I’m surprised that all it takes is half an hour. I thought it’d take weeks. I’d like to do scenery including palm trees, and cactuses, then eventually something like ballerinas, teddy bears and flowers. So, after Tom got them into their frames, he went out to help his dad work on one of their cars.

While they did that, me and ma hung one of the pictures since one’s going to someone else, and I glued a chain onto a stained glass hanging she had.

She gave me a thick foam-like thing to slip my pen into. This way, when my right index fingernail grows out, it won’t dig into my thumb.

She also showed me the kitchen seat cover she made. Their kitchen chairs are just like ours and I’ve been wanting to make coverings for them since they’re old and beat up. She told me there’s a place called Sass that has really cheap material and some of the elastic I’d need for the seat part so it fits snugly over the seat part.

Lastly, she had a big wide ugly oil painting of an ocean scene that had been on her living room wall since I’ve known them and she gave that to me to use to try painting on. You can paint over the old paint.

So, after we were there for a little over an hour, Tom dropped me off at home, then went back to his parent’s to work on the car for a few hours.

When he came back, we went to a bookstore. I got a really cute fish one with prisms on it and then a hard-covered one with a spiral side. I studied it carefully and it looks like I can definitely detach the papers, print them out, then put them back on the spiral part with no problems.

Tom’s doing what he does 80% of the time he’s home - watching TV. I told him there’s nothing wrong with doing something he enjoys, but he complains he doesn’t have enough free time to get things done. I told him he should do stuff while he watches TV. He can play the TV on the computer while working on whatever in the back room.

He says he wants to get back into having sex again, but it seems the TV’s more important. I think he’s getting me back for not wanting sex with him for a while. I really was having fun teasing him with it and giving him a taste of his medicine for making me feel teased with you know what for so long. Also, as fun as sex can be for me, it always hurt me emotionally.

We made a couple of decisions yesterday. I fully intend to live up to what I agreed to, but he better live up to his end and not make me a naïve, foolish sucker in the end! What he agreed to is that we can see a doctor in about a year if I still can’t get pregnant. After a year, he better not keep stalling. If it’s ever not what he wants I’d rather be hurt by him telling me that than be hurt by him leading me on.

I realized, though, after we made this deal that I could have given him a reason to keep holding off for another year. If he really does want one, but planned all along to wait, he could be saying to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to wait another year and I’ll cum right before it’s time to go to the doctor cuz there’s no need for me to see a doctor when I could cum all along.”

If he really doesn’t ever want one, I hope he’ll be pressured into telling me soon enough cuz he can’t keep making excuses for why he doesn’t cum for too many years. I just hope I don’t get hurt by this one in the end, although it makes me feel so much better that he’s agreed to this and more hopeful. I still say that if our unfair God does grant us a child it’ll be years from now.

I wish I could take that injection till he cums. Tom said it’s my body so it’s up to me, but that it’d make it harder for him to cum cuz he’d be upset over not having a family. Then once he came and I stopped the injection he said he’d feel pressured to make a baby. I asked him why he didn’t feel pressured now about making a baby and he says he’s getting over it. Yeah, it really shows! I think the real reason he prefers me not to get the injection is so he can tease me with the issues of cumming and a baby. If I had the injection, all he could tease me with would be the cumming issue.

Andy and I were right after all on a couple of predictions we made. About a week ago I told Tammy that I had a bad vibe concerning Bill, but nothing too serious. Sure enough, she told me yesterday that Bill has a bad cold.

A couple of days ago Andy said he sensed some form of mail that’d make me happier than usual, but he didn’t know what. He said maybe a 20-page letter from Sarah or Gloria’s intro kit. I asked Tammy if she’s sending me any mail and she said next week probably. Great! I hope it’s a video of them and in and out of their house. According to her, a lot has changed with the house.

Gloria just released a new album on September 26th. God, she’s fast! I don’t get how she’s so fast with a husband and two kids. She’s faster than Linda who never had a family. It’s called Abrienda Puertas which means opening doors. I hope it doesn’t suck like Mi Tierra did and like Linda’s last album.

Tom and I just had a wonderful chat, but I’ll get to it later.

It’s fucking freezing out! Practically overnight. It’s amazing how it went from scorching hot to so very, very chilly just like that.

With my luck, the day I begin painting the block wall will be the day the kids and dogs move in next door.

I’m in a generous mood, so if our sex bet is still on, I’ll extend it another month till November 15th. He’s gonna lose!

Later...

It’s so peacefully quiet out. If the M’s were still here and if I’d never spoken up, the kids’ screams would be heard on and off all day from inside their house with their windows open. Then, from about 3 PM-6 PM, they’d be right outside here going crazy. It’s warmed up pretty fast out there, but summer is surely gone.