Damn! Ten hours of live birth from all over the world next Monday. TEN hours! Next thing you know there’ll be channels dedicated to just childbirth alone. There already practically is. Again, it’s not that I have anything against it, I’m just A, sick of it, and B, I don’t want to chance rekindling old desires that could never be fulfilled. I still doubt I’ll ever want a kid again, but even so, it’s best to avoid the subject as best I can just like a recovering alkie should avoid bars. What that means is that whenever possible, I don’t want to see it, don’t want to hear about it, don’t want to read about it.

Childbirth isn’t people’s only obsession. It seems they’re pretty hung up on watching all kinds of medical, true crime and reality shows these days.

It’s been cloudy lately. They say it could rain by the end of the week.

Another day of torturous suspense as I still haven’t heard from Mary. Mary, don’t do this to me, girl! You gotta tell me something. I wonder who she’s getting her information from. Could it be Chavez?

Anyway, my first guess as far as what Teddy Bear’s in trouble for is sexual, and my second guess is that it involves some form of violence or force. Drugs? Nah, that seems unlikely. I mean, I can’t picture her into that.

Later…

The good news is that Kelly emailed me. I enclosed her message. In my reply to her, I said that perhaps we could be pen pals, or should I say net pals. Also, remember to ask if she has any questions.

The truth is that although I’m not attracted to her, I’m curious. Curious to find out just the extent of her apparent fondness for me. Just like I asked myself with Palma and Teddy Bear (Pérez was the only one I was sure of right away), is she just being friendly? I mean, she seems like a friendly person overall. I can’t imagine her being rude or aggressive to anyone. But could there be some hidden meaning behind her friendliness towards me? I mean, how many dentists play email with their patients?

Anyway, Kelly’s not ugly, but she’s not attractive, even though she’d probably be considered a little above average for her age. She’s slim with blue eyes and blond hair, but you know I prefer dark, with one redheaded exception. Her nostrils are also slightly upturned like Maria’s were. That’s why I called her Monkey Face. Even though Kelly’s no tall, dark exotic beauty or redheaded butch full of acne, she really is a sweet lady. She thanked me for the “cute and clever” emails, said she was excited just to type a message, and to let her know if it worked.

Kelly obviously didn’t spell-check her message to me, so I’ll fix her mistakes. Here’s her mess:

The bad news is that one of the power supply boxes in one of the new computers is broken. Of course, we just had to get a broken one, didn’t we? Anyway, Tom’s gone to exchange it before work.

The cylinder people called saying they shipped the new cylinder today which would put it here next week which would also explain why I had no fence vibes for this month. Done with the cheek’s visits or not, I always did say I vibed that they wouldn’t be here and up till between April – June.

Later…

Just got mail from Tom saying he exchanged the box (hope it works) and that I have one letter (from Mary). I hope it has my update!

Since I know I’ll never get below 127 pounds, I’m not weighing myself regularly anymore. I’m still going to be thrifty with the groceries, though, so I at least don’t gain more weight and have extra spending money.

Guess I’ll go listen to the song I just downloaded and burned all by myself.

Today’s the day Paula goes to court. Question is, will she be there to get the CD I’m sending? Yes, we got my computer/burner all set up. At first I thought something was wrong because the burner wasn’t reading CDs. Apparently, all it needed was for me to break it in a bit by opening and closing the door a few times. Maybe there was some dust in it or something. Nonetheless, I love it! It’s great to be able to do my own backups and burning. I have two backup CDs and decided to back up one once a month and the other twice a month. Meanwhile, I’ll back up current stuff on floppies pretty much every day.

It’s also nice to have a faster computer and more space. I had 5 gigabytes before and now I have 11. That’s 11 billion bytes!

Next comes the setting up of the digital TV system which Tom says will be a big, complex job. I believe that, too. This drive will be many times bigger than mine and will be able to hold 60-70 hours’ worth of shows. Tom says it’s the best you can get without being rich. This way, if I decide I don’t want to burn a particular episode of Charlie’s Angels I can just delete it from the hard drive.

Unlike the chair he broke, I couldn’t quite get this new chair he got for his office put together. I got some of it, though. He only got this chair cuz his was broken and it was dirt cheap, but we both agree it’s not the greatest chair. It’s leather, which sucks (it’s cold when you first sit in it), it’s too firm, and the back’s uncomfortable. It juts into my back just above the small of my back.

In order to get my computer off the floor, I had to put it on the printer stand next to the laserjet and move it back a bit. The way it’s set up now was blocking the big speaker that’s in this room, so I propped it up with an old speaker we don’t use, then put Joy on top of it, and she looks great there. She comes to about a foot below the ceiling (this is where the lowest part of it is) which is about 7’.

I saved a whopping $25 in my share of weekly groceries which means I’ll have a total of $45 come Friday. Makes me feel like one spoiled rich bitch! Anyway, I decided to get what I really like and not settle at all when it comes to getting more fashion dolls, not that I’ve settled with them as of yet. Anyway, to me, the nicest and most realistic-looking fashion dolls are the Robert Tonner series which consists of Tyler, Mei Li, Esme and Sidney, and I also like the Eve and Alex series. Eve doesn’t have any friends (just color/race variations) like Tyler and Alex do. Alex’s friends are Jade and Paris. I managed to find a site that has a brown-eyed, brown-haired version of Eve for $25, and a redheaded version of Alex for the same price (both dolls are sold nude). I can’t tell her eye color, though. They look brown towards the pupils and green further out. I’m going to order these real soon, then later on, I’m going to get this gorgeous black doll in the Eve series called Saffron Sunset that wears a flaming red chiffon gown. This one’s more expensive at $120, but hey, I like it a lot!

After I get the two dolls on sale, I’ll probably continue on as originally planned which means I’ll get the mugs, Dalene and the ballerina ornaments. Then I’ll get the black Eve. Lastly, assuming I’ve gotten the fashion doll kick pretty much out of my system save for whatever future Playboys may come out, I’ll probably work on the Ashton-Drake dolls.

Later…

I called Paula a little while ago, and fortunately, she’s home. I let her know her CD is on its way. I asked what happened in court and she said a lot of stuff, but she couldn’t talk to me about it at the moment as Miguel, her very perpetrator, was present. Lovely, I thought to myself. We both get to play court for our perps. Only difference is one wants to fuck her perp and the other wants – well – I think that’s rather obvious. But once again, I can want, but not have. Hey, no one gets it all!

Starting with excellent news – we got the new computers! One is for the TV. We’re going all digital. Now I’ll be able to record Charlie’s Angels on CDs. No more setting up or rewinding videos!

The other computer, of course, is for me. It’s going to be so nice to get rid of this agonizingly slow computer and to be able to burn my own CDs.

I spoke to Paula, who says it’s okay to send stuff if she does go to jail cuz she’ll definitely get the mail when she gets out. I let her know I was upgrading, getting my own burner, and that I’d send her a CD at some point.

Next comes the fences, then the kiln!

It’s no wonder I never heard from the dentist. I sent her email to the wrong address! Guess I’m the one that got stuck on stupid. I sent them again, so we’ll see if I hear back from her.

Oh, Mary, please hurry up and send me the Teddy Bear update with as much detail as possible! I want to know every single thing you know!

I wonder if Teddy Bear, once she knew she was in trouble, wished she’d kept her word about seeing me so she could use me for that positive reference I offered if she ever needed it. Too late now, huh girl?

Whatever it is she’s done, I doubt she’ll get fired. They always protect their own. I mean, I don’t know if this is true, but if it’s true that Palma slugged an inmate like I heard, look at what she got for it. All she got was a quick suspension. No charges, no firing. I believe the rumor too, because I heard it from more than one source and because of Palma’s aggressive personality.

I did get mail from Mary after all. Tom just didn’t get around to letting me know about it till after I shut down the computers. Got 5 envelopes with drafts and religious cards with a very surprising letter in one of them.

The smaller surprise of the letter was that she told me my body looked good in the recent pictures I sent and that I was in awesome shape. I’m in awesome shape, yes, but I sure didn’t expect to hear that I looked good. I mean, I didn’t expect her to come out and tell me I was a fat, ugly cow, but I thought she’d tell me I still needed a lot of work.

Anyway, I hope she’s on her way to Florida so I can send her her stuff and we can exchange letters a little more privately, so to speak. Meaning, in Florida, no one will know my or the Phoenix officer’s names that I may mention.

Speaking of one Phoenix officer – the big surprise was about Teddy Bear. To quote from Mary’s letter, she wrote: I have Teddy Bear updates, but I can’t tell you much quite yet because 007 is still investigating. I know almost everything about her. I can’t be sure if all my information is true, but I have reliable resources with whom she associates. Let’s just say Teddy Bear’s got issues and I feel you deserve better, Jodi. I really mean it. I’ll write soon with my update.

I was like, Teddy Bear, what did you do?! My first thought was that she and another inmate liked each other just like we did, only she went further with this one and got caught. If this is so, and if she was lonely and horny, why didn’t she come to me? Was I just too far away? Was this other inmate more convenient and maybe better looking, too?

My second guess is that she hit someone, but Teddy Bear? I know the woman had a bit of bite to her, but that’s more of a Palma thing, I’d think. She always seemed to be a rather dedicated professional, so I don’t know. I mean, I just can’t imagine her getting into trouble, unless maybe she herself is being set up for some reason, but who knows?

Whatever it is she’s supposed to have done, wouldn’t the 007 just love to know about us? I assume this 007 is something that investigates officers. I couldn’t find anything online about it, and Tom said that it’s an internal thing that would never be posted online.

I wonder if it’s a DO I know that’s been filling Mary in? Whoever it is, I think I might write Mary and ask her to ask this person if she’d be willing to give my letter to Teddy Bear, since she associates with her regularly enough. That is unless Mary doesn’t think it’d be a wise idea. I’ll trust her to use her best judgment. I guess it depends on what she’s done. Besides, Teddy Bear knows my address and number. If she ever really wants to get a hold of me, she knows how to.

I just wish I knew what was going on! Could it somehow be connected to me? I doubt it, but once I knew she was going to blow me off, I did wonder about my letter. I wondered if it could’ve caused anyone to think more went on between us than actually did.

Meanwhile, I guess all I can do is sit and wait for Mary’s next letter, hoping it’ll have more detailed info. After all, the suspense sure is killing me!

As I let her know, I’m so grateful to her. If it weren’t for her, I’d never know about this 007 thing, nor would I ever have known she even left there!

Later…

Tom found a link with an update online about Monster. My hunch was right as to why there was no obvious mention of yesterday’s supposed sentencing. It’s been delayed till the 28th (Mary’s letters were postmarked on the 4th and 5th, so she couldn’t have known about the delay at the time). Supposedly, he asked the judge if he could change his guilty plea and the judge said no. Then he asked to fire his lawyer and the judge said no. Finally, he asked for a hearing (I forget exactly what it’s called), and the judge said ok. So the animal’s still utilizing any delay tactic he can come up with, but I don’t know why. It’s not going to change the inevitable outcome in either case.

Tom says he thinks the spider may’ve come up from the shower drain, which might explain why so many sightings are in that bath. That shower rarely gets used cuz of the leak, and I know the fuckers don’t drown easily. As he explained to me, all drains have wide-open vents to the roof, so that’s how it might’ve gotten in. From now on I’ll be sure to run water down it more often, and even spray some Raid down, even if it might not be as powerful as I’d like. It’s just that I’d have thought it was too big to squeeze through the drain. Maybe if it’s that desperate it can squeeze its way through, cuz I’d have found something that big if it had gotten out of the shower, and it couldn’t have gone very far. It would’ve been sluggish from all the Raid and water.

Tomorrow Tom will spray the skirting and install the indoor/outdoor thermometer he fixed.

Anyway, I’m going to assume Mary will be in Phoenix at least until the 28th and go ahead and send her a letter. The poor girl must’ve been pissed as soon as she found out about the delay. I’m sure she just wants to get the show on the road, so to speak.

We discussed it and we decided we’d each take $40 a month for fun, and we’re also going to get new computers, the fences and the kiln within the next couple of months, cuz we’ll definitely have the money for it all. Also, we’re going to allot $90 a week for groceries, though I’ll still try to get as little as I can for two reasons; the extra money I can save, and cuz I should anyway, so I don’t end up like Roseanne Barr anytime too soon.

No new news yet on Monster from what I could see online.

Tom’s still fighting with the bank over the house payments but is still certain that it’ll be over soon and in our favor. He says he doesn’t think he’ll get the payments lowered back down, but that this will at least show them that we’re fed up and aren’t going to take any more, should they think of raising the payments some more in the future.

I hope he’s right about this since some people just don’t give up. So many more people would lose weight and quit smoking if they could put the same determination and discipline into making that happen as they do with fucking other people over.

Anyway, I’m quite bored. All I have to do is work out and clean the kitchen. Now’s when I wish I was making dolls or at least had some typing to do for Mary! There’s been no mail from her or anyone else connected to her.

Originally I had thought that the defense seeing her book couldn’t hurt her, and I doubt it will, but now I’m wondering about the part where she looks in the mirror at her beaten face and tells herself she’d broken every promise she ever made to herself about not being with abusive guys. In other words, it shows she knew what was going on. She knew she was with someone dangerous yet she stuck around. If I were her, I wouldn’t worry about it, though. I don’t think it’ll change anything one way or another.

I’m down a pound to 127. I’m regular, avoiding fried foods and sugar, and I’m working out more, so we’ll see what happens. I still think I’m too old to lose much more weight, let alone weighed down with too much muscle to do so.

Later…

Just had an utterly terrifying experience. I went to sit down on my toilet, and there in the shower stall was one of those big spider-like things the size of the skylight spider. What was even scarier was that I kept Raiding the shit out of it and drenching it with water and it still wouldn’t die! It was too big to go down the drain. So then I turned on the hot water and ran to get the fly swatter, came back and it was gone! I hope to hell it squeezed through the drain as the water heated up, and I am so spooked out right now! I’m like, oh please don’t tell me we’re going to get another slew of these things again! But I know that where there’s one, there’s more waiting to terrorize me. They’re always either in that bath or the kitchen. Only one was found in the utility. I’ll tell you one thing for sure, if I see more of them, we’re bombing with or without a truck. We’ll take the bitch’s cage outside, and take the guys with us in the tank if we have to. I really want to move to a place that doesn’t have anything bigger than Daddy long legs!

I wonder why no one’s emailing me lately. Nothing from Dave, nothing from the dentist, nothing from Tom. I had told him to email me and tell me what I may have from Mary since he got out too early this morning to stop at check, but I guess he either didn’t get around to it yet or there was nothing there.

Nothing online pertaining to Monster, so maybe they haven’t had time to write the story yet, twist things around, add a few lies, then get it online. Of course, there’s always the possibility that something came up to delay sentencing, too.

The good news is that Tom settled with the bank and got our payments lowered by $100 so that’s good. He mentioned raising our allowances. We should get at least $40 a month so then we can get as much as the freeloaders do. I mean, I know the money doesn’t go to the freeloaders, but the point’s the same.

I thought about it and realized that the numbers don’t add up. Tom said the house in front was about a mile away, but that makes no sense cuz then it’d have to be about 9 properties away since there are 5,000 feet to a mile, and there’s no way it’s that far out. Distance in the flat desert can be deceptive, but I still say it’s only a couple of properties away, putting it a little over 1,000 feet away.

I just hope that in 3 or 4 months from now when they’re all moved in that we have them damn fences up so their dogs can’t roam around on our land.

I’m pleased that the nighttime barking has ceased quite a bit. I got through a whole bath just a little while ago without one bark.

Slept till 1:30 today. No hunters, no booms. Just a new house. Yeah, maybe we will get rich off this place someday after all. It appears to be two properties in front of us. It’s a nice, good-sized house with a fancier exterior than ours. Meaning, there are dormers, peaks and other nooks and crannies. It’s tan-colored and I’d say it has about 3, but more likely 4 bedrooms. The good thing is that it’s too nice and expensive for Mexicans or blacks, but the front of it is facing us which means the house won’t be between us and their dogs and outside activities. On the other hand, they’re pretty far out there, so maybe the distance will counteract any noise that may come from them. After all, the house is far away enough that I could only tell that the front of it was facing us with the binoculars. They’re at least a mile away.

Still no email from Kelly, my dentist, so I guess she either hasn’t gotten her mail or she just got stuck on stupid.

I wonder what’s going on with Mary. Tomorrow’s Monster’s sentencing day. I told Tom to let me know if he caught it on the news since I never read or watch the news. I wish she’d just get her ass to Florida so I can start sending her stuff to her without anyone there knowing me! A part of me wishes she wouldn’t return to Arizona once she’s released, so I don’t have to worry about her pestering me, but I know she’ll be back here the moment she does get out. Oh well. If she gets to be a pest, I’ll just tell her so.

Paula left a message the night before last sounding incredibly pissed off, but I knew that that was just how she always sounds. All she said was, “Listen, I’ll be calling you tomorrow morning. Be sure you answer your phone.” So, I decided to call her, saying we got a phone card, and let her know that hey, I can’t always be by the phone whenever she wants me to be. I asked if she got the doll’s dress, and all she said was, “Yeah.” No “thank you,” no nothing. Like I said, I can only stomach so much of that pesky ditz, so I just send my monthly letters to her and ignore the phone 99% of the time.

The rats have started hanging out in their tubes, but they still don’t wheel. Good, then I don’t have to worry about it squeaking, waking me up, and needing oiling.

I still don’t think I’ll lose any more weight, but I think I may be onto something as far as that goes. I think pedaling for 30 or more minutes is much more effective than just 20. I got carried away yesterday and had 2000 calories, yet was down two pounds when I got up, after having worked out for close to an hour yesterday between the Bowflex and the pedals. It makes sense when you think about it after reading online like I did that it takes 90 minutes on a treadmill to burn 500 calories. Maybe if I stay regular and ride longer I’ll lose more weight, but I doubt it.

Later…

When the heat stays on as late as 11:30 and comes on as early as 8:30, you know we’re having another cold snap! It’s a good thing we didn’t get plants yet.

My vibes told me the guy Tom was to interview last night wouldn’t show up, and they also told me something was wrong with the cylinder. I was right on both. When he called the cylinder place in L.A., they said the one they received was damaged, so they’re expecting another in next week. Tom still thinks there’s a chance we can get the fences this month, but right now I don’t see anything going on for this month.

Another uneventful trip to see Scot. He’s still not mentioning seeing me at the house, but he is back to telling me how much time I have left every time I see him. He was actually right too, when he said there were 8½ months left instead of 9 since nothing’s going to be happening during the last two weeks. Not if I can help it, anyway. It’s just that I know they could push for an extension simply based on the fact that I express no guilt, but even if I was guilty, I still could never feel an ounce of guilt or pity for these people. They victimized me and they deserved anything they might have gotten from me, and if I were them, I’d thank my lucky stars that mail was all I did get. A lot of people would’ve given them something far worse to complain about than that.

We didn’t stop at any stores on the way back this time around.

Yesterday’s allergy attack was the worst one I’d had since I first went to jail. I felt miserable all day and didn’t even work out.

I crashed last night at 1 AM and slept peacefully till 10 AM, but I don’t know if I should let myself roll over to nights. They’ve been booming by like hell lately. Tom says it’s because we’re getting ready to go to war with our favorite enemy – Iraq.

My allergies were waiting to attack me the moment I got up, and they’re still pretty bad. I’d love to take some Benadryl, but the freeloaders won’t let me as they know it’d put me to sleep, fuck up my schedule, and prevent me from going out tomorrow on account of them.

Yesterday, just after I awoke at 8:30, I was surprised to hear hunters out there. I didn’t expect them to suddenly start up again this close to spring and on a weekday. Spring out here being more like early March, of course. They woke me up today when they started at 10:00, and I’d already been woken up once before by a loud engine at 6:30. It never ceases to amaze me at just how much I’ve been woken up out here in rural Maricopa as opposed to the city where it was so much noisier. But of course, there I took more measures to ensure my sleep, so part of it is my fault for sleeping with the fan on low. I’ll sleep with it on high tonight. I’ll hopefully get up at noon, take about an hour to wake up over coffee, then shower and be out the door by 1:30.

I’m just so glad I don’t have to report at specific times. If I always had to report at 8 AM or 2 PM, it’d make it so much harder on me and it’s been hell on me as it is, though I still feel freer than I have in years. Especially with the piss test out of the way and his lack of home visits. Makes me feel a little more like my life belongs to me in between report times. I’d still like Scot to cut me to once a month, but I understand his selfish reasoning for not doing so. If I knew I’d be likely to get more people the more I cut their reports down, I wouldn’t cut them down either. I mean, yes, he’s stricter and more of a stickler for rules anyway, but we’re pretty sure that’s the reason he won’t give me any breaks despite his knowing my being on probation is unfair, asinine and unnecessary. I always said in the first place God would make sure I had a PO that wouldn’t spare me shit, but at least he didn’t send me to one who was hell-bent on setting me up.

I just hope we can get through the remaining time without incident. Tom doesn’t think he’ll mention recommending I be let go come the next progress report since by then there’ll only be 6 months left, but yes he will. I know he will. First of all, it wouldn’t take 6 months to make a simple phone call to tell him I’m done with them, though that’d never happen, and secondly, if I’m right about him enjoying how much it bothers me to hear my perpetrator called a victim, then that’s all the more reason he will.

I just wish I didn’t spend so much time regretting the past since it can never be undone or changed, but I do. There are so many things I’ve said/done that I wish I hadn’t, and vice versa. There I was thinking I handled Mr. Biased oh so well when in fact I couldn’t have handled him worse if I tried. I said all the wrong things. There I was thinking I was helping myself by telling him exactly what had happened yet little did I know that there were such places on earth where so much could be made out of so little. Such little petty shit could be so exaggerated and so twisted. So blown out of perspective and proportion.

Why does it still piss me off to know that I never stood up to Hank on Oswego St. or Barbara in Norwich? Why does it still piss me off to know that I didn’t attack the black bitch when she came screaming at the door? Why does it still piss me off to know that Woodruff reduced me to feeling like a child being punished when she sternly told me I’d “sit there longer” when I demanded to be sent back to M Dorm after being left to sit in the cramped, hot visitation booth while she and other DOs rudely gabbed happily away as if I didn’t exist?

I swear to God I will be all over the next Nancy K with the balls to threaten me. I swear it! No matter who’s got a hold on me or what the consequences are, I owe it to myself to finally fight back. I can’t keep letting this one pick on me and that one pick on me or else I’m going to be just as miserable as I have been in the past. If I don’t start standing up for myself, I’ll either end up in jail again or left to fume over what my abuser got away with this time around. It isn’t “over” even if it is over as far as the freeloaders are concerned come October. Someone else is going to fuck me over and or threaten me. It may take a few years, but it’ll happen, and you know what? I’m fighting back cuz I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer or get locked up for them. I don’t know how I’ll fight back, but I’ll figure it out when the time comes. No more sending the wrong message to people, making them believe, like I did with the black bitch, that they can keep picking and picking at me year after year in all different kinds of ways and get away with it. Now these people think they’re invincible. Now they know that just out of sheer spite and hate, they could call the pigs, tell them I tried to harm them in some way and the pigs will pick me right up, no questions asked. They wouldn’t need any evidence to get me a second time around and if they did they’d just make it up. With me already convicted of “stalking” them, they know they wouldn’t need much. I’d still like to think they’ll quit while they’re way, way ahead and let me get on with my life in 9 months, and fortunately, I don’t have any bad vibes, but again, it doesn’t really matter cuz I’d never let them get me in the same position once again. As soon as I knew they were at it again, I’d be out of here. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of fighting and dealing with them either by myself, a public pretender, or a good lawyer we paid for; I’d be out of here, leaving them to fight their own fight all by themselves.

That damn Humane Society teased us yesterday by sending a big envelope that I thought would at least have address labels in it, but instead they wanted more money. Again I emailed them suggesting they send the stuff they said they’d send first, but again they’re ignoring me. I think it’s cuz we only sent $10. Last time we sent $15 and there was no problem. If $10’s not acceptable to them, though, then they shouldn’t have it as one of their donation options.

Later…

I decided I’d no longer suffer for the freeloaders and let them control me any more than they already have, and took a Benadryl. To try to counteract the inevitable drowsiness the stuff causes me, I made a non-decaf cup of coffee.

I also decided to put a hold on getting Perfect Portions for now. Now that I’m not getting frozen foods that are fried, and am eating low-cal TV dinners that have a good balance of nutrition, I may be ok. That’s what I lost weight on a few years ago, but we’ll see. I still may get it eventually.

I definitely don’t want to join Weight Watchers. Their food’s as spicy as jail food, their program is complicated and involves a lot of math, and they use a point system. Hell, I was on a point system for years between Brattleboro and Valleyhead. I don’t need to be on one again.

Amazingly, yesterday’s candy spree didn’t put a pound on me, but I’m sure it’s only cuz I shit my ass off. Had I been stuck, I’d be up 2-3 pounds.

It looks like I didn’t have the honor of hexing Mary after all. I should’ve figured God wouldn’t allow me such a wonderful gift anyway. I went and checked, and the dates don’t match. Meaning, she said her illnesses began the Friday after Christmas, yet I didn’t check out the presents and insults till the following morning.

Either way, what’s done is done, but I don’t intend to associate with her much from now on by email or in person.

The Dead Zone’s gotten to be way too boring and predictable. Childbirth, childbirth and more childbirth. Two episodes in a row of it. I still can’t figure out why our society is so obsessed with the subject. This is what the viewers want to see, though. It not only gets old like I said before, but I don’t want to see or hear about that subject for fear of it rekindling old desires, though I highly doubt it will. Still, a recovering alcoholic shouldn’t go to bars, and a dieter shouldn’t go to candy stores. Besides such popular subjects, the show needs more action and less talking, planning and building up to things.

Woke up at 127. I was going to say I can’t get below that, but I don’t know. I may wake up below it, despite the candy I’ve had today. That’s cuz I’ve been the opposite of how I was throughout January, which means I’ve been shitting my ass off. I’m actually to the point where I’m like, enough’s enough! I shit so much today that I doubt I’ll shit tomorrow.

The bag of candy I got has about 30 pieces that are a little bigger than Hershey’s Kisses. I had 10 of them and froze the rest so it wouldn’t be convenient for me to keep grabbing a few every time I pass through the kitchen.

Now to cover my day while I listen for new MP3s to download (hopefully). I got up at 8:30, an hour before the alarm was due to go off. At 11:00, we took off to the dentist. She really likes me, though I don’t know the extent of it. Let’s just say that I’m good enough with people to know she’s at least not homophobic if she’s never been attracted to the same sex herself. She’s a very friendly person who strikes me as a very tolerant and accepting individual. I’m amazed at just how much she likes to chat with me. Too bad she’s not as good-looking as Melanie was!

Let’s just also say that regardless of how deep her fondness is for me, if she had to dump half her patients and give them away to another dentist, I bet I wouldn’t be on that giveaway list.

“There’s feisty Dawn,” she said as she approached me after her assistant got me settled in the chair. She was so grateful to me cuz of the way my advice on how to speed up hair growth has helped her, which I noticed right away was about an inch longer. “I’ve been wearing braids, taking multi-vitamins, scratching my scalp, and my hair’s grown faster than it has in a while,” she happily told me.

She asked me about the dolls and rats and said she wanted to learn how to do email which her husband says is easy. I wondered then, how come she had an email account if she didn’t know how to do email, and why couldn’t her husband show her how to do it? Nonetheless, I offered to show her, telling her I’d email her and that all she had to do was type in what she wanted to say, then hit the reply button. I wanted to show her a good variety of the email decorations I have, so I sent one with a colorful background to which I added a couple of animations, then one with an animated mouse, and one with graphics that consisted of an ocean scene. I told her she could insert pictures if she wanted to and to click on the address I typed in if she wanted to get the same email software I’ve got.

I met her husband and her 11-year-old daughter who had just gotten her braces off.

She was, as usual, very complimentary of me. Especially my hair. She too, complimented my thick curls and even the gray, too. She said she wishes she had hair my color, rather than the blond she’s got.

We also discussed my working out. She and her assistant thought I was 110 pounds. I wish!

On my way out, she gave me the same full-size tube of toothpaste she gave me last time. Quite a generous sample!

After hitting the grocery store, we went to the PO and picked up Lily, my bronze ballerina who wears a gold tutu. Although small, she’s way nice. Nicer than I anticipated. I just may get more of these after all.

For now, my tentative plans are to order a mug on the 15th, then order the remaining 3 that I designed by the 15th of next month. Then I’ll concentrate on dolls. I’ll probably start with Ashton’s ornament ballerinas.

Tom and I did some comparing and some math and decided that if I could get my daily food cost down to $7 a day, we could save a lot of money to use for fun things. Because he can stand to live on basically just hotdogs, it only costs a few bucks a day for his food. Because I like a wider variety, I’m at about $9 a day.

For once, Dave not only sent one funny joke but two funny jokes!

After having shit two days in a row, I’m back to 127. If only I could keep regular! Then I just might stand a real chance of losing weight, but as long as I’m going to be stuck a day here and two days there, I’ll just keep putting back what I lose, for the most part. I’ll be doing that tomorrow as it is when I get my last big treat (a bag of mint/chocolate candy cups).

Mary’s improved with punctuation a lot, although she sometimes still substitutes periods with commas. She’s even putting spoken things in quotes which helps a lot. So often in the past, I’d have to back up and insert quotes once I realized the person was supposed to be speaking.

Later…

No activity in back at all today. Maybe that’s because of the wind. It’s been a very windy day which has cooled the temperature down quite a bit.

Tom showed me how to set up a 7.5 x 3 canvas for the mugs, and I don’t know why they said it would be time-consuming, cuz it only took a second to do. In the end, I decided it’d be cool to have pictures on both sides. There’ll be 4 mugs, but on the 15th, I’ll only order one to make sure there are no problems with it. One mug will have a picture of Houdini and Ratsy on one side with Oreo and Little Fella on the other. Another will have Lady nursing a baby on one side with the baby rats just as their fur was sprouting on the other. Another will have a collage that wraps right around, consisting of 4 mice and a shot of Scuttles. Lastly, there’ll be a mug with Joy’s picture on one side and Bailey’s on the other.

Tom insists that because I’m not more than 20 pounds overweight, it’s okay for me to lose weight this slowly. Yes, it’s true that the more weight you have to lose, the faster it comes off till you get within 20-30 pounds of your goal weight. Nonetheless, and even though I seem to be more regular, I won’t count on losing any more weight. I don’t think I’m ready yet to let it get too out of control, either. I’ll still exercise and eat sensibly.

We checked out Weight Watchers. It’s $60 to get started, then $15 for each month, so no, it’s not too expensive. I just don’t think I’m interested. At least not yet. However, I saw a rather interesting commercial worth investigating online. They have a web address as well as an 800 number to call. It’s called Perfect Portions. You place a menu (the contents of each meal) down inside a round dish. Then, on top of it, you put down a see-through plate with dividers, similar to a TV dinner tray that has a section for the main course, the veggies, the dessert, etc. This way your carbs, proteins and other things are divvied up the way they should be to ensure weight loss in a healthier, more effective way, so you don’t have to measure or count calories. I assume this would be a low-carb, high-protein diet. For those who want to get ripped and look really muscular, you’d have a diet that is rich in carbs.

You can mostly see my muscles in my shoulders, abs and calves. Depending on how I move, you can see some biceps and some outer thigh muscles.

When pulled straight, my hair is to the middle of my ass now. When left curled, it’s to the crack of my ass.

I figured out why the dogs are so obsessed with the pipes. It isn’t just the pipes themselves they want to play with, it’s the animals hiding inside them that they want to get at. The cat is out there right now crouched down and ready to pounce, should something good emerge from one of them.

The barking still continues to be horrendous. Especially for where we live. Once the sun sets, it’s terrible. The renter’s dog was barking so ferociously for attention last night at around 8:00 that I had to put on some music just so I could eat my dinner in peace. Again, I so do hope it improves as it heats back up. I think that the reason it’s not as bad during the daytime, especially during the week, is that people aren’t home as much. When they’re home ignoring the dogs, that sets them off more, knowing their owners are so close and can hear their useless barks for attention. Again, I don’t know how the owners themselves can stand it. If Pepper were here barking his head off just outside a window or a door, I’d want to strangle him! I’d go completely insane having to listen to that.

There have been a few more downloads, putting it to a total of 25, and they were all pictures of me.

Got mail from Mary today. She didn’t mention anything about when she’s leaving, so I’m still assuming she won’t be there much longer than about a week after the 7th. I sent another letter back telling her that once again I’m going to put a hold on any more mail to her unless she contacts me telling me she’s going to be there longer.

She sent another book of stamps which was very nice of her, and that same picture of her the media took that she had sent me about a year ago. It’s a nice one, though she’s awfully thin. I never did get any pictures from Michelle and Todd, though, so who knows if they’re just playing with her or what? So many people say so many things they’re going to do that they don’t.

Surprisingly, she sent more fantasy stuff she wrote which contains sexual fantasies between her and the soul mate she hopes to one day meet. I had thought she said she was going to get working more on her book which was part of why she had me send her a copy, so that’s why I was a bit surprised, but no problem. I have more free time now that I’m not proofreading.

I agree with her that fantasy is fun to write, though as I told her, I never saved anything I wrote cuz I thought it was stupid. Besides, I doubt she’d enjoy anything I wrote as it was about lesbian couples. I love my husband, but I am so not attracted to the male body, the male scent, the male anything! I do prefer the feminine touch, though not as feminine as I used to like. I like a woman who looks like a woman, yet who’s strong and that I know is going to make me feel safe.

As I told her, I’m glad to help out any way I can because if there’s one person I know who would never take my help for granted or who wouldn’t do me a favor if I needed it, it’s her.

Later…

We checked out Perfect Portions and I definitely want to try it. I believe the economy pack, which was what I think would best suit me, is something like $50. It is higher in carbs, though I think it’ll be alright. The balance of nutrition and what you eat is almost as important as how much you eat, and this will help with that a lot without having to count, weigh or measure.

We’re going grocery shopping Monday after the dentist, and that’s the day I’ll allow myself one final big-sized treat before committing myself to having no fun for quite a while. I can still take days off, but my weekly “day off” can only consist of a regular-size candy bar, a slice of cake, a few small cookies, etc. Not a trip to the China Buffet, a pint of ice cream or a giant candy bar.

I was sitting outside while he prepped the truck for the cylinder head we’re expecting next week and I heard the renters chatting (a woman and a man). And part of the corner of the house was between us too, so that tells me that had we been in back or by the bedroom side, we probably would’ve been able to hear what they were saying.

If we ever do get that inflatable pool we were talking about, hopefully they won’t spoil our peace too much. The bulk of the time we’re going to want to swim will be in the middle of the day when it’ll hopefully be too hot for them to be outside gabbing unless they get a pool of their own which wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they did. On the other hand, if I were to swim in the early evening, that’s when it could be a bit noisy.

Although they don’t seem like they’re going to entertain today, I’ve got the kitchen blinds shut. I didn’t come here to glance out a window to see 20 people. They’re definitely not an asset to this place. There are just too many of them and they’re outside too much of the time. It’s still peaceful as can be compared to Phoenix, but I’m really getting sick of the openness around here. Because of it, we can hear barking from miles away. If there were woods between us and the renters, we’d never know they existed. I find myself thinking more and more of a cabin in the woods if we can’t live on a boat, simply to avoid having to see anybody at all and to get even further away from people.

Finally, the last day of January has arrived. I don’t know why, but for some reason, it’s felt like this month has been dragging on forever.

My bangs are now to the point where they reach if I put my hair in a ponytail on the crown of my head, but if I lower it towards my neck, they can’t quite make it yet. It hasn’t even been a year yet, though, since I began growing them out.

Still haven’t heard from Mary. I won’t be sending her any more mail till I hear from her, wherever she may be.

In Webshot’s email to me, they said that until they change their system, they recommended something called a canvas, which they gave me numbers for, in Photoshop, to get around the centering issue. I guess this would put the picture towards the handle if it’s uploaded that way, though they say it’s time-consuming. I’ll let Tom check it out and let me know what he thinks. If we can’t get around the centered picture issue, I may forget about getting more mugs as I really don’t like the centered pictures. What kind of company would make mugs like that anyway, unless someone requested it? I’m really shocked that this is the only option they have, though they claim it may not always be that way. Let’s hope not.

When I expressed my worries about going back to getting too many things through the PO, Tom said priority mail shouldn’t be the problem regular mail can be.

I may not have heard from my Mary, but I heard from Tom’s Mary. My letter prompted her message. No, she never was offended by the pictures, she’s just been sick since right after Christmas with bronchitis, pleurisy, a sinus infection, and an ear infection. All one hell of a coincidence too, since I put a “sick spell” on her as soon as I pulled out my so-called present from her. During the first day or two that I was really fuming over the stunt she pulled on me, I didn’t wish she’d drop dead or anything too serious, but I did wish her ill. I closed my eyes tight and concentrated real hard on her being all sneezy and feverish and just plain old miserable. So to read what I read was quite numbing, seeing that there’s a 50/50 chance I did this to her. Do I feel guilty, if I did? Maybe just a little, but more so I’m curious. It’s definitely worth testing, but on whom? I wonder if I could put a sick spell on someone I never met like maybe someone at the bank Tom dislikes. I don’t know about that, though. I have a feeling that if this isn’t just a coincidence, it has to be someone I know and that I’m really pissed off at. I don’t see how I could place a spell like that on someone without being furious with them. Just how do I go about testing this thing, I wonder? Stand on a street corner and ask people to piss me off so I can see if I can get even by making them sick? Then again, I don’t need to ask anyone to piss me off. That will happen on its own. It always does. I just hope it’ll be someone I know. It’s hard, for example, to tune in to people I’ve never met that are fucking us over like the bank is with this mortgage bullshit. I don’t know who they are or what they look like, so I can’t imagine being able to inflict any kind of suffering upon them, and if my rather ill thoughts had any effect on Steven or Dan, I’ll never know it.

Anyway, whether or not this is something I’ve done or that just happened, since Mary has been damned in the health department pretty much all her life, I still would’ve preferred the pictures to have given her a taste of her own medicine. Instead, she thinks they’re oh-so-cool. Well, of course. The woman loves to have her picture taken and played with, so why wouldn’t she? In fact, I should’ve known she’d just love it. At least I didn’t give her the reaction I still think she wanted/expected from me for giving her a piece of my mind about her attitude and mouth at the casino.

Just like God’s compensating me after how sickly I was throughout most of my 20s with great health, he’s also compensating for my being skinny throughout most of my 20s with being fat now. Last night when I stepped on the scale only to find I’d gained 3 pounds since I woke up from nothing but 1,200 calories and a 20-minute pedaling session, I was so bummed and so frustrated and even pissed! I thought God was supposed to help those who help themselves. Another general rule that doesn’t apply to me or what? When I saw what I saw, part of me wanted to starve forever and another part wanted to say, Ok, you want me big? As big as I can be? I’ll just run to the grocery store then and eat everything in sight! It is so discouraging and frustrating to work as hard as I have all for nothing. There’s no reason I shouldn’t have lost at least 10 pounds by now, and to know that I’ll eventually gain a ton of weight whether I eat 1000 calories a day or 2000 a day isn’t very comforting either. Yet it’s getting more and more obvious that that’s where I’m headed; to end up between 150-200 pounds no matter what. It’s like it’s an inevitable fate I can’t avoid. God wants me to be big. I’m drinking lots of water, having 1,200 calories a day, working out, eating a low-carb, high-protein diet, so what’s wrong? What more can I do if doing the “right” thing isn’t working? And why should I deprive myself of weekly treats if I’m only gonna get bigger anyway? I’d literally have to starve myself to keep my weight even right where it’s at right now. I have no rights to my own life and now no rights to my own body. And I’m supposed to think he’ll let me do dolls? It’s all about what God wants me to be and to hell with what I may want. Why don’t I just be a good girl, give him what he wants, up my calories to 1,500 a day and just let myself get as heavy as he sees fit? If I’m not meant to be thin again, then there’s nothing I can do to change that. If I’m meant to be heavy, then it’d be as much of a waste of time crying over it as it’d be to cry over my being short. No one can say I didn’t at least try. If people like Roseanne Barr can get through life on the heavy side, then so can I. There really isn’t anything I do now that I couldn’t do as a heavy person anyway, short of rocking out. I could work on the computer, I could read, I could watch TV, etc. I could even keep my muscles strong with the Bowflex and the pedaling. I’m tired of trying to be something I can never be. From now on, if I’m going to work really hard, I’d prefer it to be for something a little more achievable.

Later…

Those fucking dogs! It’s a good thing there wasn’t any garbage in the burn bin cuz they got into it again. I went and picked up the few pieces of tin foil they tore out and replaced the lid. A couple of dogs were barking by the pipes this morning till I shooed them off, too. One was a huge poodle!

Once we get to around noontime, it’s so beautiful out. Makes me glad I am in Arizona between then and sundown.

I was thinking more about this odd coincidence here with Mary getting sick. She’d probably be quicker to believe I did it than I would be. She’s the one who believes attitude affects things (yeah, that’s why I lost the weight I was so sure I was going to lose) and that it’s a mind-over-matter kind of life we live, unlike me who believes more in fate. There have been too many things I was negative about only to achieve positive results, and too many things I was positive about only to achieve negative results to say that attitude’s connected, though perhaps it’s different for everyone.

Anyway, I thought of a few test subjects with a wide variety, though I highly doubt it’ll work only because I still think I have to be pissed when I do it and pissed at the person I’m trying to curse if I can really do it at all. In other words, while I’m pissed at one person, I don’t think I can curse another. Also, although I am pissed at the people who are fucking with our house payments, I don’t think I can blindly place curses on people I don’t know. If that were the case, I just might send the whole damn world to hell! That’d surely keep them off my ass.

The test subjects, since I certainly don’t want to test someone I care about (although most people are like milk. Eventually they sour), are going to be whoever’s fucking with our house payments, the cheeks (we don’t hate him, but hey, we don’t like him either), and this warped lady rat that’s just sitting around wasting space and money cuz Tom just has to disagree with me and insist we keep her cuz I don’t want to.

I remembered yesterday that I wanted more mugs from Webshots to replace my old, chipped cat/dog collection. I decided on a few more rat pictures and a mouse shot. Actually, it’ll be two different pictures side by side on a screen-sized background that I’ll upload when the time comes. Their mugs are $10 each for their 12 oz. mugs and I think I’ll get 4 of them. I’ll probably order them all at once too, which means I’ll get them in mid-March or sooner. Then that will be one more thing out of the way and I can concentrate on saving for dolls and clothes.

A nurse left a message yesterday with advice that wasn’t very helpful. Most of it is stuff I already know and do. She said the doc said to have 1,200 calories a day, drink more water, have low-carbs, try an over-the-counter stool softener he recommends (I didn’t bother writing down the name of it), and try Weight Watchers, too. Not a word about fiber.

I think I’ll just stay like I am for a while. My body wouldn’t be hanging onto its extra weight like this if it didn’t think it needed it. Besides, I could be a lot worse than I am, but like I said before, I’m pretty small and fit for a woman my age.

Later…

Tom’s in the shower now and I asked his opinion as far as what the doctor said. He says he thinks I should try the shit softener they recommend, and that maybe we can both join Weight Watchers. I wouldn’t mind the extra help of a program like WW, I had just thought it’d be even more appointments and a lot of money. However, they’re saying they’re not too expensive these days since you don’t have to buy their food, and you can do it online, so that’s the good point right there since not everyone can attend the meetings or wants to.

I also question just how complicated and or effective it may be and for how long. I mean, if things like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig really work, then why aren’t we all skinny?

I finally had a full flow today along with major cramps.

I also asked Tom’s opinion on the mugs. I’ve got 4 mugs picked out, and I asked him if he thought I should get one at a time, two at a time, or all at a time, and he says one at a time, so I guess that’s the way I’ll do it. After all, they don’t have any shipping deals the more you order.

These damn rats, particularly Little Fella, have been rather leaky lately. I never had such territory markers before! It’s gotten to be rather bad. Every time I pick up Little Fella, especially after he’s been in the closet, he’s wet. He even marked Tom’s bed! He thinks he owns the whole house.

I’m up a pound from last week to 127. Yeah, the diet’s going pitifully slow, and lately, I’ve barely been able to make any progress at all. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. It’s just too obvious. I can’t think of any reason other than to spite me that it would get in my way, but whatever it is, it’s definitely in my way.

I know slow progress is better than no progress, but I’d prefer the faster route. Especially since the general rule of slower weight loss not returning as easily doesn’t apply to me. I can gain it back just as quickly and as easily if I lose 1 pound a week, and having lost just 6 pounds in 4 weeks, I’m pretty close to that as it is.

What do you do when you’re doing everything right, but it still doesn’t seem to bring much in the way of results? I left a message at the doctor’s office, letting them know I’ve got my calories cut to 1000-1200 a day, I’m exercising regularly, I’m avoiding sugar and having very little starch, yet I’m stuck a lot and when I do go, it’s not much. I asked them if they could recommend something that wouldn’t add a substantial amount of calories to my diet, and Tom and I figured they’d probably tell me to take fiber supplements. The question is, will they work? Because if they don’t, nothing will.

On the flip side, I know I could look a lot worse than I do and that I don’t look like I weigh as much as I do. Today I wore the shorts I grew out of at 120 pounds over a year ago. If I weren’t working out like I am, I’d never be this size at 127 pounds. I’d be way bigger. So maybe I can keep getting fewer inches for the weight like I have been if I can’t ultimately lose any more weight. At this point, I’d settle for getting down to 110-115, which is what the doctor recommended in light of my muscle weight, but I don’t even know if that’s possible. Tom says that on a scale of 1 to 10, omitting my age, I’m about a 6 or 7 as far as my overall fitness level/appearance goes, and an 8 or 9 for my age.

I forgot to say that I got a kick out of Mary’s answer to Suzanne when she asked if she thought the experiences she’s been through have made her stronger and she said, “Yeah, ain’t that funny?”

And the experiences I’ve gone through have only made me want to isolate myself even more. Ain’t that funny too? If I never had neighbors again in my life it’d be too soon!

I checked on a map to see where Fort Myers is and it’s way down there on the Gulf side. Great location for hurricanes! I wonder just how much longer after the 7th she’ll be here?

Anyway, back to the diet thing; I really hope it is just a case of my needing fiber supplements. Somehow I doubt it’ll be that easy for me. Especially if I’m right in my belief about something up there trying to block me from doing what I’m trying to do. Even my periods are fouled up. I never got the period I was supposed to get, just spots. I’m not that late yet, though, so we’ll see.

The question is, is it cuz of something up there, or is it simply a lack of fiber? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Some would say God and or evil sources prevented me from being the singer I once wanted to be, and others would say, “No they didn’t. It wasn’t that you couldn’t sing or that something was out to get you. You just didn’t have the connections.” Same as the old baby dream. Some would say, “God and the devil didn’t stop you from conceiving, your husband did. After all, your fertility tests were fine. It was his infrequent cumming and his lack of desire to do anything about it that prevented you from conceiving.”

Anything’s possible, but I just don’t think so. I think God has his plans for all of us and that he sometimes uses others to control us, punish us, and achieve those plans. In other words, a normal sex life wouldn’t have changed destiny. It’s just that I can see it not being in my destiny to be a singer, to be a mom, and maybe not even a dollmaker, but not to lose weight? How can it not be in anyone’s “destiny” not to lose weight? If that’s the case with me then that just goes to show the extremes to which I’m controlled.

Paula left a message saying she has to return to court on February 11th but didn’t say what for or anything else about it.

If this month finishes up without the cheeks stopping by, I’d say we’re looking at a 70% probability that he’ll never be back to bug me here. After I got the piss test out of the way I really felt like I’d finally reached the beginning of the end. I only hope I’m not kidding myself. You just never know when it comes to the law. They’re famous for throwing all kinds of curveballs at you.

His not showing up lately, though, does make sense. Tom thinks the main reason they do house calls is to see if you’re doing anything wrong, and while that may certainly be a factor, I think the main reason is to see if you’ve run. Any normal, reasonable PO would figure, well, she’s only got 9 months left out of a 30-month sentence, so why would she come this far just to run now?

I already made an order from Ashton-Drake with the first of my budget money, plus silver change I had saved up. Yesterday I was browsing through their site to see what was new and there I found a $20 bronze figurine of a gorgeous ballerina named Lily. It’s 10½ high and posed unlike any of my porcelain ballerinas.

Unfortunately, it has to go through the PO, but we might get a tracking link for it. Tom will check later. We had a choice of waiting 6-10 weeks for it, or for just $4 more, we could have it shipped within 6 business days, so we opted for that which would put it here on the 5th. As with any doll coming to the PO, though, I worry it’ll make it to me without a problem.

I actually got a little color on my chest the day I sat out while he worked on the trucks, and I tried to today, only I kept getting assaulted by flies.

I cannot believe how many dogs we’ve got running loose in this town! Especially where there are so few houses. If this 10-acre lot were in Phoenix, there’d be 60 houses on it. Most of the lots within a 10-mile radius of our house are 10-acre lots, so where are all these damn dogs coming from and why won’t anybody in this state other than Mary allow their dogs indoors? There were 4 of them yesterday that cut through a corner of the land, then Tom said a little dog strode on over the other day. Yesterday I saw a dog I’d never seen before, and today I spotted a little puppy!

Because it’s been a while, I decided to send Mom a quick note, thanking her for the Christmas money, telling her about the pedals we got, and other trivial things. I also told her that if the reason Mary hasn’t answered my email is that I may’ve offended her with the superimposed pictures of her I sent, then I’m sorry, though at the same time, I’m not. I’m sure she’ll understand that I wanted to teach her a lesson by giving her a taste of her own medicine because I’m sick of her offending me with my own pictures. I explained to Mom that in light of how often she’s used other people’s pictures for this or for that, I assumed it’d be okay to do the same with her pictures. On the other hand, one can only spend so much time trying to please others or else it’ll drive them crazy, as I’m sure she’ll also understand. If Mary’s decided she doesn’t want anything to do with me, so be it. I simply can’t spend my time worrying that the things I say/do might upset others, and this is the truth. My days of trying to please others are over within reason. I don’t normally set out to deliberately be a mean, compassionless person, as I told her, but I’m not going to sit and cry over someone’s hurt feelings either if they don’t like something I do. As I’d tell anyone, if you don’t like me, don’t have anything to do with me, cuz if I don’t like you, you bet I’m going to do all I can to do the same. With my husband the rules are different, and as I told Tom, as long as he loves me, the rest of the world can hate me for all I care. I can’t deal with fragile assholes like Mary. She’s just gotten to be way too moody, sensitive, and non-tolerant for my taste. I don’t know if this has to do with the freeloaders or not, but either way, I don’t care anymore! Nor will I care if Mom doesn’t understand my letter and decides to brush me off too, though I think she’ll understand just fine. I have a strong feeling Tom and I aren’t the only ones Mary’s driven crazy with the photo sessions. I mean, this is no hobby of Mary’s. This is literally a full-scale obsession. Just one look at her walls will tell you that as they’re literally covered with pictures, mostly of herself and her nieces. There’s barely any wall space free of pictures. I’m surprised the bitch hasn’t plastered her ceiling with them yet! Meanwhile, I spoke my mind and all I can continue to do is my best with people. That’s all anyone can do.

Later…

Okay, it’s definitely, definitely next door’s dogs that have been doing the bulk of the barking, and as I just proved to Tom, they do come barking onto the land, so there’s no defending, playing down or making excuses for them. He kept insisting he’s never seen the dogs on the land, but as I told him, just cuz he hasn’t seen them doesn’t mean I haven’t and that they don’t come over here cuz they do.

It appears that while they still have the small black dog, they now have a medium tan dog instead of a medium black dog unless I just haven’t seen the bigger black one. The tan one was just standing there a little beyond where the car is parked barking at us as we stood on the front steps. I first heard it barking from my office. The kid was out there too, at the edge of their property. He was just standing there dumbly, not even calling the dogs or anything.

Tom said he wondered if it was barking at the cat, though I didn’t see the cat that usually hangs out here, and like I told him, they seem to do it just to do it. They bark on and off from sunset to sunrise. It’s been horrible lately. They used to keep their dogs on their land, but those days are well in the past now. The dog was barking like it wanted to get someone’s attention over here too, looking expectantly at the front door, wagging its tail. Yesterday when I shooed it and the black one away from the front of the house, it was wagging its tail playfully, happy to see someone and to get attention. It’s obviously like most dogs out here, been cast outdoors as if it were old furniture, ignored and neglected.

I just wish we could get that fucking truck running and the place fenced! We’d still hear them, but not nearly as much.

Woke up at 125½. So I’m averaging about a two-pound drop each week. Still kind of slow, but at least the weight’s going.

The weather’s been gorgeous. I sat outside for a while yesterday. Today we’re supposed to have a record high of 82˚. I don’t know if I’ll bother sitting out, though, as white as I am.

Now I’m not sure if the nighttime or early morning barking I’ve been hearing is the renter’s dogs or next door’s. When I poked my head out the side door at 8:00 this morning, it sounded like they could be coming from Dan’s place. It’s been bad lately, that’s for sure. Hopefully, it’ll get better as the weather warms back up. We still may have a little ways to go, but I doubt we’ll have any more freezes.

Tom ordered a new cylinder head, but now, who knows how long it’ll be before the truck’s running, licensed and registered? We may not have to choose between fences and the kiln in the end. I mean, the choice may be made for us, cuz if the truck’s not running we can’t get the fences unless we have Dave haul them.

Tom has a cold for sure this time around, but as usual, I’ve escaped catching anything. However, I slept rather poorly last night as my allergies kept waking me up. That’s been happening a lot lately where I wake up unable to breathe out of my nose. Tom says I shouldn’t open the windows so much. It’s hard, though, not to want to take advantage of letting fresh air in here when it doesn’t smell like shit. You spend so much of the year being shut up cuz of the heat, that it’s nice when you can open windows.

Tom gave me the first of my allowance money, as I call it, so that way I can keep track of what I’ve got.

I had Tom pick me up white paper at the grocery store. It’s thinner, but not much of a bleeder because I’m using a laserjet. Ink tends to bleed through it more than powder does. I should be able to print Mary’s stuff back to back without a problem.

I went and printed out the ’98 and ’99 journals just because I’m so sick of the fine-tuning job. Besides, who cares how I wrote what 5 years ago? The sick freeloaders and the courts might care, but I don’t. I wrote what I wrote, how I wrote it, and so be it. Those days are over with.

I reorganized my radio stations, knocking off the rap station I had on my list. I’m just so sick of hearing about gangs and violence. They are what they’ve made themselves. That’s all I can say.

Last night I could’ve sworn I heard this soft knocking sound while Tom was in the shower and I was in bed reading, but neither of us saw anything suspicious.

Tom got a couple of toner cartridges from work that were leftover, so that’s good, although I shouldn’t be printing nearly as much stuff now. I’ll actually be printing more for Mary than myself. For myself, I’ll only be printing out my current and future journals. I’ll probably do printouts every 3 months.

Midge, one of Barbie’s friends, has a “pregnant” version of herself. I thought it was cool and different, but understandably, it turned out to be a controversial doll. The idea was to promote family, and that’s fine. But what about being single? What about being gay? What about being straight and childless? There are other lifestyles to consider and it’s just too stereotypical. If you’re going to promote one lifestyle, you should promote others as well.

I was kind of surprised to spot it online in the first place. After all, we’re living in a time when work is in and family is out.

Tom and I sat down and discussed our new budget plans. We decided we should each get $15 every payday, which is twice a month, for spending money. We decided on $85 a week for groceries and that we’d split any leftover money. We’re also going to be setting aside money to save. We want to ultimately get $5,000 or so saved. His mom isn’t going to live forever, and should we need thousands of dollars like we did for the well, there’d be no one to run to for help once she’s gone.

So, we decided how much to set aside for various things. Maybe this can be an added incentive to lose more weight (I’m back to 126) as the more I save on food, the quicker I can get something.

I may not get any more colored paper for a while because white paper is so much cheaper. It’s $10 for 500 sheets of colored paper, yet for just $5 more I can get 1,500 sheets of white paper.

I was thinking I’d start with those $30 fairies from Ashton, then get a few fashion dolls, then probably save for some more Ashton dolls, since the HSC doesn’t have their dolls for nearly as long. For example, I know it’s no use to save for a $200 doll they may have that I like as it’d only be gone by the time I got the money saved. It’d take just about 7 months to save that much if I didn’t save on groceries along the way.

I finished the 1997 file.

Yesterday turned out to be a gorgeous day so I couldn’t resist strolling around the land. It was one of those days where it was rather warm in a T-shirt but too chilly for halters and things like that.

Since barbed wire is cheaper than grids, we talked about a barbed wire fence with closer gaps at the lower part of it to keep smaller dogs from getting through. We talked about having the bottom strand 6” off the ground, then an 8” gap between the first and second strands, then a 10” gap between the second and third, and a foot between the rest. If this doesn’t work, we’ll run a low-voltage wire around the base that will zap them away. Meanwhile, the big dogs, which are mostly what we’ve got running around loose here, couldn’t get in for sure.

I’m still not sure what I want first, that or the kiln.

Later…

The renters are making us feel anything but secluded today. Why must the most crowded rental be closest to us, huh? There are a ton of people out there right now. There’s got to be at least half a dozen adults and half a dozen kids. At least they’re quiet, though you can hear voices outside. Not surprisingly, the main attraction is the horse I still would’ve preferred them not to have gotten. They live their whole lives out front and at the right side of their place, the two sides exposed to us. Those in the other rentals probably can’t see them, though they no doubt can hear them. I appreciate the fact that they don’t play music for us, but still, why couldn’t a couple move in there who were out all day?

Right now someone’s running the horse round and round in circles again. I hope they don’t tame the horse so they can ride it. I don’t want them stealing even more of our privacy by cruising by the side and front of our house, even if they would be a couple of hundred feet away. I have a feeling, though, that if they really do end up being unhappy with this horse, they’ll just get one they can ride and be content with. They’re not going to just give up and waste the little corral they put up.

Tom says we’ll have oleanders and bougainvilleas blocking them out by the fall, but I don’t believe it.

He says that right now he’s going to see about getting the white truck running. I don’t believe that either, but if he’s able to, he’s going to begin making our new circular driveway we want in front and get the damn pipes covered for once and for all so no dogs can play with them as if they were these giant dog bones. Then, whenever we get the damn fences, which probably will be barbed wire, he’ll secure them with a cement covering so the monsoon’s hard rains can’t do what they did before and wash the dirt off of them.

Anyway, it’s another gorgeous, clean-smelling day out there so I’ve got the windows open.

I don’t think I can flip my schedule around in time for my dentist appointment on the 3rd, so I’ll be staying on days till after the 5th (the next freeloader day). I got up at 6 AM today and won’t let myself sleep later than 10:00 till then.

I just finished typing up a draft where Mary talks to one of Justin’s lawyers, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why the hell Mary would bother. He’s her enemy. The shit cock appeared all sympathetic towards Mary, only to tell Suzanne he was going to basically turn right around and stab her in the back by saying that she did it as Justin’s defense. Yet he himself admitted Justin was crazy and guilty as hell. How can he do that and then go home and sleep at night? I just don’t get it. I mean, there are some very warped human beings in this world, that’s for sure, and I don’t see why Suzanne would even think of having Mary talk to any of Justin’s defense attorneys or pigs. None of them are on her side.

I feel almost as bad for Mary for the way she’s been treated since losing Gretchen, as I do for her for losing her in the first place.

And another crazy thing is that the judge won’t allow Mary to mention Gretchen’s name or Justin’s lunacy, saying the jury would automatically convict him of Gretchen’s murder out of prejudice if she did.

But that’s what they should do. He is crazy and he did kill her, so why should anything be done to hinder them from doing the right thing?

I always said judges were fucked up for a reason, didn’t I? They’re just as bad!

Anyway, the wind’s now blowing easterly, which means that standing by the open kitchen window, I can hear voices here and there, but with my office on the other side of the house, I can’t hear them in there. It’ll really suck when there’s a house across the way, cuz I know it’ll just have to be a big family, they’ll just have to live outdoors and in front, and someone will just have to be home 24/7.

Later…

I just shut all the windows to keep the smoke out of here. Yeah, they’re barbecuing back there now, and I swear there’s got to be half a dozen cars there. They’re about the rowdiest I’ve ever seen them, but fortunately, I still have yet to hear music from them. I wonder if it’s a special occasion or if this is going to be a regular occurrence, particularly on weekends? And are they going to be this active in the summer heat? They’re going to have to be out at least a little more often than they were last summer to feed and water the horse, which Tom said he saw someone riding. I didn’t see anyone on it yet myself, though.

Again, nothing could ever be as annoying as city noise out here, but if we did have a pool and a porch in back or towards the side where the master bedroom is, it would not be very peaceful, and we’d sure as shit have no privacy. Not without those hedges.

Anyway, there’s no music and they’re not just a few feet away, so I may as well get used to their presence cuz they’re not going away. Not anytime soon from what I can tell and vibe.