Irish homeowners now have the right to shoot intruders, so I just saw someone posted on Facebook.

But that’s the way it should have always been in every house, condo and apartment all over the world. Better later than never as far as doing what’s fair and what’s right, but I can tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’ll never allow any law to dictate how I can and can’t handle intruders. I’ll handle them my way no matter what any law says, and while I don’t have a gun, you can bet your ass I’m going to do all I can to kill them. Not scare them off, not hurt them, but kill them. Even so, I’d rather not have to do so in the first place.

Heard the usual slew of barks, chainsaws and loud vehicles, but nothing got to the point of making me want to strangle anyone even though I’m in the perfect PMS mood to do a little ass-kicking to anyone deserving of it.

Yesterday’s hunger pangs sucked. Why does my body need closer to 2000 calories and not the usual 1500 before periods??? I managed to stop myself at around 1600 yesterday but today I think I’ll just let it have the 2 million damn calories. I’ve already had 700 in the 4 hours I’ve been up and I’m still hungry. Maiale cazzo!

I’m pissed off for Andy now and the way some of these fucking cocks are playing with his head much like women used to do with me when I was last single and still sometimes do online. Really, what the fuck do some of these bitches expect when either in person or electronically they send me kisses, hugs, phone numbers that just might not be bogus, and then shower me with flirtatious words – for me not to think they like me? Some of them really didn’t but that was part of their sick, strange and totally unnecessary games. Unfortunately, this is quite common amongst both gays and straights. Not sure what the point is in making someone think you like them when you don’t or hiding the fact that you really do like them, but it’s still a common occurrence.

I had a dream I told some guy on the phone in German that I hoped Nane got into a car accident. I could never hate her that much to wish that upon her. I know she was attracted to me and had feelings for me. No doubt about that much. She spelled it out enough times for me. It was the up and down and going back and forth that got to me and had she not dumped me, sooner or later I’d have dumped her.

If someone who never claimed to like me one day fessed that they did or vice versa – fine. But don’t like me and dislike me and like me and dislike me and back and forth!

But Andy’s getting it worse than just some occasional online games because he is lonely, single and horny and doesn’t have a soul mate that loves him unconditionally when the online fun isn’t so fun anymore. I just wish, like he does, that they wouldn’t lead him on and play games. Like it was 20 years ago, sex is in, relationships are out. But must you say you’ll get together with someone you have absolutely no intentions whatsoever of getting together with? Really, what’s the point of that? It doesn’t make you money. It doesn’t guarantee you a longer life. So what’s the point???

At the same time, one can’t make be what simply isn’t to be. I hope that’s not the case for Andy, though, and that he just wasn’t meant to meet Mr. Right till later in life.

I’m also concerned about how perverted he’s become. Not that he’s literally any kind of pervert but all he seems to want to talk about is sex and it gets old. So do the disgustingly dirty pictures he loves to post. IMO these aren’t the least bit sexy or classy in any way. They’re perverted and gross. Why didn’t his appetite dwindle with age like most people’s?

I wonder if perhaps he’s coming on a bit too strong and that’s scaring people off. If people suspect you want a relationship and not just sex they tend to run. Same with if you come across as desperate and like you live, breathe and eat nothing but sex. Either way, that’s no excuse for their games. However, we can’t control other people’s feelings and behavior. We can make them not like us but we can’t make them like us. We can do things we think will make them happy and we can tell them jokes we think will make them laugh, but we can’t make them love us or lust for us. Maliheh wasn’t attracted to me 20 years ago. She isn’t now. And she never will be in another 20 years either. Give a sane hottie like her a brain tumor or disfigure their faces, then they’d be all over me and making me wish to hell they’d just go away and leave me the hell alone. There’s bad luck and then there are clear and evident patterns. I hate to say it. So much so that I’ll be sure to cut this part out of his journal copy, but I think he’s meant to spend the rest of his life alone. I just don’t know why. When I know why I wasn’t meant to be with a woman (not that I regret Tom) and when I know why we’re meant to struggle most of our lives, then maybe I’ll know why he’s meant to be alone.

Another troll-free day so far. She deleted all her Blogger blogs and her Thoughts blog and made one post apologizing for the things she said. Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts.

I went Florida dreaming again last night but it made no sense. I hope that just the fact that I dreamed of living there is what means something other than just wishful thinking because some of the details made no sense at all. For one, we were sitting on a tiny dock overlooking a man-made inlet. This dock was apparently ours and only ours but in reality, we could never afford to live on or by the ocean or any kind of an inlet like that where people have their own docks.

Also, Tom was saying that the last person he showed the house to (I assume in Cali) was this bitchy woman who complained about everything. I guess I wasn’t around when he showed the house. This is still another thing that doesn’t make sense. If we own a house it means we had enough money to buy it outright. Well, if we had that kind of money I doubt we’d buy a place in this state.

I just liked the fact that we were there:) I also like the record number of dreams I’ve been having about living there and that I hope isn’t just a reflection of wishful thinking. Do I think the dreams mean something? Yeah, I do. If I weren’t psychic and had never had experiences with things like dream premonitions, then I wouldn’t know what to think. But while I’d prefer the ones where I called my folks to tell them we made it safely across the country and nothing out of the ordinary happens, Florida dreamin’ is still Florida dreamin’ and – OMG, Ft. Lauderdale! I swear one of us mentioned Ft. Lauderdale!

Just looked on Google Maps. What a coincidence that it’s right above Miami. It’s closer to Miami than Naples where Aly said she might go, but there’s a road that shoots straight across the lower peninsula from Ft. Lauderdale to Naples.

Wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up in a Miami hotel while we looked into a Ft. Lauderdale senior rental?! Actually, it doesn’t really matter where in the state we end up if we get there. I just might not like it up by the panhandle where the weather may not be as nice or too far inland even though it’d be safer there.

Anyway, the best part of the last Florida dream was the sense of contentment I felt sitting on that dock. I sat Indian-style next to Tom who sat in a chair. There was a beautiful breeze and I marveled over the fact that I could throw on a bikini and go tanning if I wanted to even though it was the dead of winter and Miss Pale As Hell was never very good at tanning.

In another split-second scene, I was standing in front of what I guess was where we lived. I can’t describe the house I “saw” but the walkway seemed to have many flowering bushes flanking it. I was relieved to know the sun was setting so the bees hovering about them would soon fuck off.

I would really like to know who’s been signing me up for every newsletter in the world. Just last night I got a message from some company saying, “Welcome to so and so,” as if I’d just signed up.

Still no shit from the haters, pigs or anything connected to them and I hope it stays that way. I realized, for whatever it’s worth, that regardless of what they did to set me up and make me look bad enough for a “case,” there are two things they had last time that they don’t have this time – no phone call, no physical evidence.

Later…

Ever had an idea that’s so good but also so bad at the same time? Well, there’s this scummy trailer park not far from here. We’ll never have 100K to buy a house with, but I bet it wouldn’t take nearly as much to buy an old shit trailer (maybe even smaller and dumpier than this one) and buy a lot in one of these dumpy parks. Maybe 10-20 grand? Where it would be so good and so bad is that it would be good in that it would be ours to do as we pleased when we wanted to without having to have our schedules revolve around some pesky landlord. It would also be good in that we wouldn’t have any payments to have to make if we owned it outright, other than for utilities.

Where it would be bad is that I’d be absolutely miserable in some “cheap” trailer park. The noise levels would be so insane to the point that it made the noisiest moments here seem rather comatose. I would never be able to get any peace while I was awake and I doubt I’d get much sleep there either. Oh, the welfare bums that would be crammed like sardines into the place! We would also still be cramped into a tiny place, one that may even be smaller and older than this one, and we’d have to pay to fix whatever broke.

Tom had quite a scare at work yesterday. They called a bunch of people in for a meeting, and although I haven’t had any nightmares of a particular kind – the kind that spells trouble ahead for us – he thought they were gonna be told that they lost their contract and that they would all be laid off. Instead, it was just about changing bosses. I guess they shuffled them around from certain areas or something like that. Tom now works in two different departments. We just gotta hope they don’t slow down before the next 4-5 weeks or so! Not being able to move would be one thing, but not being able to get unemployment if they do lay him off is another.

Obviously, he’s never going to get a permanent job as long as we remain in this state. It’s all temps here. If you can come to Cali and get a permanent job, something up there really loves you! But as I told Andy, if those Florida dreams mean anything, then we’re moving there anywhere from soon to 11 years when he retires. However, I can’t believe I’d start having these dreams 11 years in advance. I would think we’d be 5 years or less away from moving there if we really do end up doing that.

Yesterday I didn’t sleep any better than I would have had I been in that dumpy trailer park, a motel or some of the apartments I’ve lived in. I kept waking up every few minutes, it seemed, but I never sleep as well in the daytime anyway. On the positive side, the less I’m up during the day, the less I hear of Jesse.

Today’s been pretty quiet. The car was still at the end of the drive, so we saw last weekend when we went out to eat, so I don’t know if it’s been sold yet.

I’m still sluggish with PMS fatigue and filled with enough water to shame the Sacramento River, but I’m doing what I gotta do. I just gotta really push myself to get things done.

I did some cleaning and a light workout but am continuing to laze out of working on my book. Part of that is due to staying up later and later when it’s peaceful enough to watch movies without arf, arf, arf! Like I said before, I can’t watch movies with sound machines, but I can write with them.

When I got up I was surprised to see the troll hadn’t been looking for me for over 14 hours. Then Alison messaged me to say she was surprised as well with a pleasant response to her message to the troll’s mother. Mrs. M said she was sorry and that she would no longer be bothering her or her friends and to let her know if she does.

That’s great that she’s finally acknowledged her daughter’s problem, and as Aly said, if she can help keep Molly away from us, great. But how long will it last? How long? She’ll be back. She’ll be back sooner or later and we both know it. All we can do is enjoy whatever time off she gives us.

Made up a bunch of cat drafts for Maliheh. She loves cats, so I send a picture of one with my messages and journals. I’ve got 180 drafts, though about 10 of them are for Andy. Where Maliheh’s into cats, Andy’s into porn, but I’m afraid to send any dirty pics. I tried sending one of these two naked guys running down the street, but he said he couldn’t see it. When I checked my ‘sent’ folder it appeared as just a tiny gray square making me think someone’s watching and taking it upon themselves to censor my fucking messages, so I’m not going to bother. He’ll just get a mix of random pics instead, but 100s of cats are waiting to help read my journal to Maliheh:)

Wow, it’s after 4pm and still no hubby. Could the guy be back to OT?

The food subsidy people told us what we figured they’d tell us since he made $3200 last month; to buzz off. I don’t think it will be that much this month cuz things are a little slower, but it should still exceed their qualifications.

Tom just got home. No OT. Just a car fire that slowed traffic down instead, but work should be picking up next week.

Between PMS, cold weather, hours of barking and living in what’s generally an unfair world that no one seems to even want to try to fix, I’ve got a lot of anger in me right now.

I was right in predicting Molly’s behavior which is rapidly spiraling out of control, and I don’t have to be psychic or have a psychology degree to know it’s only going to get worse till she actually does do something like kill her parents in her sleep like she’s written twice in her blog about wanting to do. It’s not her threatening her parents that pisses me off. I don’t give a shit about her parents. Her parents are nothing but enablers who won’t wake the hell up and smell the coffee where their crazy daughter is concerned. In fact, I wish she would hurt them because that’s probably what it will take to finally get this nut in a controlled environment so she can no longer stalk and harass people she’s obsessed with online.

It’s the fact that she’s been making more and more threats and getting away with it that pisses me the fuck off. I’m SICK of seeing so many people get away with threatening and harming others while those that do get in trouble have done little to nothing at all! That’s what pisses me off.

“She’s crazy,” Tom tried to reassure me, “and she is paying. Legally isn’t the only way to make someone pay for something. She’s miserable all the time and she has a miserable life.”

That may be so, but that’s not good enough for me. It’s just not good enough. I want to see her arrested and dragged through the mud and not left to continue getting away with the very same thing I was accused of and had to have my life turned upside down for. She’s sitting there threatening people at will and no one’s doing a damn thing about it! How fucked up is that?!

I couldn’t figure out why I was so sluggish all day till I realized my period is less than a week away. So my hunger levels are up and my energy levels are down.

Jesse was out all day so I got barking instead of loud motors to have to listen to, but there is some good news. Alison is cancer-free! Yes!

The temps have really taken a nosedive and we’re making up for lost time, you could say. It got into the low 20s last night! That’s super cold for this area. Tonight it’s to get down to 24º. wishes she’d moved to Florida The rain’s been bumped up a day from Wednesday to Thursday.

I’m just glad no one came to the door or emailed me in regards to the freeloaders. This helps ease some of my anger over life’s injustices in general. I’d rather be pissed at watching others get away with shit than see myself made to pay for nothing. I’ve been wonderfully relaxed, too. I can’t believe I was practically shitting bricks over the prospect of Molly’s mom coming after me but am oh so calm where the crazies, who have already screwed me over, are concerned. Maybe that’s because I resigned myself to the fact that hey, I am not going to have my life ruined simply because I may’ve hurt someone’s precious little feelings or offended someone who wasn’t forced to read my stuff, by simply expressing my opinion. When I think about the Mexican pig’s words – a case has been against you – I’m like yeah, yeah, play this game by yourselves this time. I did NOTHING wrong.

Never with me, never with them.

“Look towards your right,” Tom said as we eased onto the freeway earlier today. “Remember that?”

“Yes,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. I was surprised at the unexpected surge of bad memories that arose from seeing the old storage place, among a few other similar sites in the city. For a few seconds, I could see right where we’d park when getting or bringing things to store. I remembered how in my moment of desperate panic and despair when I thought we weren’t going to make it, I contemplated smashing our stuff, particularly the collectibles, because I didn’t want anyone to profit from our deaths. Even the old oak tree I fell asleep under for 45 minutes during that 36-hour stint of homelessness still had a sad, tired look about it.

I tore my eyes from the grim reminders before they swept out of view as we curved around and onto the freeway and looked through the windshield straight ahead of me. I reminded myself that we didn’t have to return to a Walmart parking lot or a seedy motel in Sacramento’s Northgate area and that we could retreat to our safe and mostly peaceful little retreat in the woods where our expenses are much lower than they were in the fall of 2007. A smile of relief and contentment crossed my face.

Why am I such a wimp, though, compared to Tom? He is so strong compared to his sometimes emotional basket case of a wife. I mean I know I’m tough in a lot of ways. Going through a lot of the rough patches in life I’ve gone through has made me stronger in many ways. But in many ways, it weakens the spirit. PTS is no fun at all. I still have nightmares about being stuck in places like motels, funny farms, jails and Valleyhead. I was stuck in VH last night, as a matter of fact. But I wasn’t a kid again like I usually am in these dreams. We were all the middle-aged adults we are today but we still had to be there for some reason. I’d rather the 20,000-dollar abortions.

Red Lobster was the circus we figured it’d be. Actually, it was worse since it was between lunch and dinner when we went and we thought it’d be a little better at that time. We ordered to go but still had to wait half an hour.

I got the stuffed mushrooms and he got peppercorn steak with potatoes and salad with ranch dressing. He doesn’t do salads, but his wife and rat do. So we all enjoyed our feast to the tune of the wind chimes going crazier than usual since there was a storm rolling in. I’m sure mine is the only rat that ate like a king today in the entire state of Califuckedup (yes, Andy, I know you’ll love that one).

Along with their signature Cheddar Bay Biscuits, the stuffed mushrooms were great and so were the mashed potatoes. Very buttery and creamy. The steak, however, was a bit tough, dry and definitely too peppery.

The troll is now wishing her mother would die too, along with Alison for calling her an ungrateful child. She sure does act like a child and she sure has a lot of hate and anger in her. More than I ever had at my angriest of times. She also admitted to stalking people, particularly Alison, and using others to try to pass messages to her. But the back-and-forth contradictions and hypocrisy live on. She wrote in one post that she was leaving thoughts.com because she feels like she is the most hated member there (gee, I wonder why) and that her parents don’t want her blogging anymore because of the shit she says. Yet barely an hour later she makes a post introducing herself as if she were brand new to the site.

Due to how cruel and horrifying her words have become, Alison contacted her mother on Facebook, though she admits it may not do her any good. I hate to say it but I think it will take something a lot more drastic than their darling daughter just threatening them before they wake up and smell the coffee where she’s concerned and stop defending and making excuses for her. Something’s going to actually have to happen like Molly actually harming someone. I wonder if it’s getting close to that point, too.

If I myself ever want to go back to blogging in peace I’ll probably have to do it under an alias and change the names of my friends and family as well. But I want to wait a while for those other reasons besides Molly. Yeah, tomorrow the pig stress is back on. I’m not scared, but I’m a bit worried. Tom assures me Arizona has no jurisdiction over me and that the worst that could happen would be the local cops questioning me, but let’s hope it doesn’t even come to that! Still, I’d rather be questioned than arrested, and worse… extradited, tried, convicted and jailed.

Later…

I deleted my thoughts.com blog even though it only had like 20 entries in it. I started to mark my profile private but then decided to leave it public because I’m curious to see when and if the troll will give up on checking on me. She’s still pretty consistent. Not every other minute like she used to check in on me when I was writing there, but every hour or so. Sadly, I think that as long as she can get online unsupervised, she’ll check all my abandoned/private/public sites every day for the rest of her life. That’s why going under an alias at an undisclosed location will probably be my best bet if I go public blogging again, along with changing the names of friends and family. I won’t even tell them about it. They can just keep on getting direct entries via email or Facebook. Public blogging, if I return to it, will be just for fun and not a means of keeping friends and family up to date like it used to be. From what I’ve heard, it’s okay to use a pen name as long as you don’t claim to be the president or anything like that.

I almost deleted my MD and MO blogs but couldn’t do it. Not something I can just “kill” easily anymore than the one on my hard drive and that’s a 24-year journal. Does one throw away 24 years of printed life that easily, even if some of it was no joyride? When October 27, 1987 rolled around, I picked up a pen and never looked back. Only difference is I traded pens for keyboards 5 years into it. Pink, purple, black, blue, red, green…I’ve discussed my days in so many different colors and in 5 different states. Well, more than 5 states and even more than just this country since I did do a little writing in Florida and at sea when we went cruising to the Bahamas and Puerto Rico. Would’ve done it in the Grand Turks too, had a storm not made the waters too dangerous to try to dock in.

Marie used to say that the best way to go out of this world would be with a beer in one hand and a woman in the other. With me, I’d take Tom in one hand and my journal in the other.

One of Sharyn’s sisters was down in Florida visiting her mom when she was swimming on her back in a pool and rammed her head against the side of it. The next day she felt woozy and was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that her brain was bleeding. She must’ve been swimming super fast and really rammed it hard!

We did more fine-tuning and setting up on my PC. It sucks too, cuz I feel like I’m learning computers all over again as I learn the new ways of doing things on the Mac. We swapped mice too, since mine was acting up. Mice and I don’t seem to get along. Glad I got a rat! Although he’s not usually stupid enough to do something he knows he’s not supposed to do when I’m watching, if I’m in the other room and he can get into it, he will. Tom and I were in one room working on my computer and I forgot that the rat had been out for a while in the other room. So I went to check on him and sure enough, the furry little pervert was pulling my panties out of the hamper.

Tomorrow it’s back to working off the weight I gained over the weekend. When am I going to stop doing that and stop gaining on weekends what I took off during the week?

I think of good things. Good things going on today and good hopes for tomorrow. And then the freeloaders and pigs pop into mind and ruin it all. Will they really just sigh and realize that yes, I am out of their jurisdiction and give up on me? Or will they refuse to let me go and then do whatever they have to do, legal or not, to get at me? Really, will I be forced to go down there and remove them from my ass somehow, some way, or will they just let me be and go chase murderers, rapists and child molesters?

How I spent so many years in the past wishing they would just forget about me! Always with me, always with them. That’s what I used to feel my whole life was and would be when it came to the haters and how they affected my life both directly and indirectly. Those I wish would remember me more often if ever at all never seem to do so while those I wish would just forget about me and go away forever cling to me like the most faithful of lovers.

To help ease my anxieties I try to let my creative side come out to play and make a game of the weekday stress I will go through for probably some time to come, especially since Tom’s not around then. Why couldn’t this have happened when he was on unemployment? Ah, but on the flip side, we’ve now got money saved to run with if need be. On unemployment, how could we run? We’d probably have to run to a cheap, noisy apartment, but it would be much better than jail, out of their jurisdiction or not. Yeah, I know. The PTSD is just making me paranoid. Like crazy paranoid.

So in my mind, I will have a gorgeous foreign bodyguard looking out for me when he’s not here. :)

It’s what they framed me with that worries me. Tom says there’s no point in worrying since I can’t control them and what’s done is done, but I can’t help but wonder and worry about it just the same, and whether or not there’s a connection between them and whoever was in my computer.

Tomorrow will make one week since the pig emailed me and if I hear anything else from the cock I’m going to go from concerned to pissed. But why oh why did the Mexican pig have to email the black pig to say a case had been made against me??? This one has me baffled as hell. Tom said they just pulled off addies I’d sent unwanted stuff to, but then why wasn’t the black bitch herself emailed? Didn’t she get unwanted stuff? Isn’t my hurting someone’s feelings, pissing them off, and bruising their ego what started this shit? I don’t even know that I did in fact email anything to the black pig. I know I sent a message or two to the company holding that contest when we were up in Oregon, and I know I bashed the cock on Rate My Cop but that’s it. And what about the one with the invalid domain? What the hell was that about? I’m suspecting it was a trap of sorts. I think they hope I’ll panic at the thought of the black pig being contacted in regards to me or that it’ll piss me off and make me contact him. But I know that even in the toughest state in the country they simply cannot make a “case” out of anything I’ve ever sent. It’s just not enough. Nothing I sent could possibly constitute as threatening or even slightly bordering on “hateful” in the kind of way I’m sure the black bitch wishes it did. Unless they made it look that way and this is what worries me most.

Tom says they can’t set a court date if they can’t serve me, but that’s not what I’ve heard. First of all, I think they can have me served if they really want to (probably at this address since this is the one tied in with the net), and secondly, I heard that a summons is still valid as long as they send it to your last known address whether you’re there or not. This means that they’re going to set a date for me to be arraigned, with or without my knowing about it just like they did shortly after we got into the Maricopa house, and then there’ll be a default warrant on me when I don’t show up. I’d love to check for warrants now since they usually arraign you within days of making a case, but I could be being watched. I want to appear as oblivious to them as possible if I appear at all. Tom still promises that going off the grid will do the trick because that way I don’t exist.

But I do exist and unfortunately so do these hateful, vengeful assholes that may not want to give up on me so easily and that may want to relentlessly pursue me as if I’d actually done something other than express myself and as if I’d actually hurt someone. They made me feel like such a criminal 12 years ago! Just such a total criminal. Even I had to remind myself at times that hey, I didn’t kill anybody. I didn’t even slap them. There’s no Failure to Appear on me so yeah, it was a scam. It better be!

looks upward and wonders Will God protect me this time? Or will He throw me to the lions, sit back and watch while He leaves me completely helpless against these whackos? Please, God! Please don’t beat me over the head with these people! It’s not funny. It wasn’t funny the last time. It won’t be funny if there’s a next time either. Please, please, don’t do it!

Today’s adventures in Computer Land consisted of trying a 30-day trial of one of Mac’s word processors called Pages and I wasn’t happy with it. So we configured MW some more in its virtual box. Still not sure if I’ll get Win7 and upgrade to that but I sure am tempted to at times. Mac = crap safer or not!

I am worried, however, about just what the hell they did when they broke into my computer. It’d be just my shit luck to have to go down for someone else’s evil deeds. That’s one of the few things that are much better about Mac. No doubt about it. Microsoft can, for example, decide to disable illegally obtained word processors if they want to from functioning in Win7. And that’s not all they can do. Windows is changing constantly and has many loopholes that allow them (and others) to get at your stuff and basically do what they want with it. With Mac, your stuff is not only much, much harder to get at, but your stuff is your stuff and no one can alter its settings or control it in any way. So again I gotta wonder – who was on my computer before I climbed out of Windows and why? What did they do? We know they were using me as a proxy to hide behind but to do what?

Not as much in the way of annoying vehicles today, but Jesse just had to come and go at least once on the motorcycle. It was barely 10am, though, and they’d already started in with the sawing. Jesse came down here on the ATV not just to check the pipes and tank in back but because he was worried someone may be sawing on the back of his land. The sawing did stop as soon as he came down here, but what’s up with all the damn sawing anyway? It’s never been this bad any other year we’ve been here, so why now? How much firewood can one possibly need in a place that doesn’t get that cold? It’s been so unusually warm that we don’t need the heat from around 10am - 8pm. It’s supposed to finally rain next week and I hope it’s more than just a drizzle! Especially during the daytime.

Why can’t I have the kinds of crazy, unrealistic and downright impossible dreams I had last night? Especially with my history of having too many bad dreams come to life. I was getting an abortion, apparently, and Tom told me to run back inside as we were on our way out, to get this coupon he had for a $300 discount on the procedure.

“How much is it anyway?” I asked him and he said it was $20,000.

“$20,000?!” I asked with surprise. “Forget it then. We’ll get rid of it ourselves.”

I was also floating on a raft on some strange-looking ocean, too.

Alison had a nightmare about Molly flying to Iowa to try to track down her ex who doesn’t want anything to do with her (she has mentioned this in her blogs) but instead she stopped in Nebraska and somehow knew her address. She showed up at her place screaming, “The cancer didn’t kill you so I will!” and then went on to attack her.

This really has Aly shaken up. Even though Molly’s supposedly got some kind of muscle condition, the sicko was an usher for a few years at a movie theater, so she says she would think she could still put up a fight if she wanted to, and is 6” taller than her. Aly’s short like me. She said that if she mentions actually heading to Iowa, she and Dustin will stay somewhere else for a while. Better to be safe than sorry, and she pointed out how I said I’d fear for her safety if Molly could get around easier and wasn’t as stupid as she is.

Molly Rose M, you are hereby welcome to come to NorCali any day. Really, I’d love a visit from you. I guarantee you I’m no one you could take. :)))

I should be working out right now but the pound I gained from that extra meal I just had to have yesterday is not very encouraging. I just can’t get up the nerve to “discipline” myself with cutting my tongue, puking or anything else. When I’m hungry, I just eat.

Jesse was amazingly quiet yesterday, but that’s because he was gone most of the day. This was obvious by the barking that started at 7am and tapered off a couple of hours later. I wonder if someone’s living up there with him and if they drove in in something quiet at around 9am. Jesse wouldn’t be so quiet if he was there and the dogs wouldn’t be so quiet if they were alone.

Later…

I made myself work my arms, abs and do at least a little running.

I’ve already heard that damn truck 3 times so far today but no barking. They could go ballistic tonight since it’s Friday if he decides to go out tonight. I usually keep the sound machines on throughout the weekends anyway but haven’t turned them on yet.

Wow, it’s gonna come close to hitting 70º today. It’d be a good day to air the place out a bit.

Maliheh has proven that we really can usually trust our gut instinct. I’ve been suspecting she’s basically been doing what Nane did by going longer and longer between messages and all that, so last night I sent an ecard that provides pickup confirmation (she wouldn’t know that) asking what was up with her. Sure enough, the card was picked up but not replied to.

Tom said she thinks she’s just been busy. So busy she can’t even send a quick message saying she’s alive and well? Besides, how busy can she be at 10:00 at night?

So I waited a while and sent another card giving her the last week’s worth of journals and it too was picked up. So yeah, she’s doing one of those slow fade-out routines. No doubt about it. In other words, she’ll probably email me soon to say she’s been sick or busy, but the gap between messages will widen till she one day disappears forever. I just don’t know if she’ll quietly disappear or if she’ll accuse me of some bullshit as Nane did in the end and then dump me. Oh well, it’s her choice. But it explains some things like why she never added me on Facebook. It wasn’t just about keeping me away from her friends; she could’ve hidden me from them. I think she forgave me, feels like she made up for the past by being my friend for a while, and now she’s slowly walking away since she’s sick of me and I was never her type anyway. There’s also the fact that she may’ve friended me long enough to see to it that her name was kept out of the book.

Even though Maliheh specifically told me she’d be my friend as long as I wanted to be hers, I realize you can’t always go by what people say. After all, Nane said it’d be a shame if I dumped her but then she turned around and dumped me. Twice.

Later…

Ended up hearing from Maliheh after all. Sure enough, she said she’s been sick and busy and wasn’t happy that I was airing out her business unless it was in just a private message to her in which case she was sorry for jumping to conclusions. I assured her I wasn’t discussing her online with anyone else, and she went on to tell me she wasn’t mad at me, once she’s someone’s friend she’s their friend, and she’s going through a rough patch with her mom and work that never ends.

Do I believe her? I just don’t know anymore. She sounds believable but I just don’t know for sure what’s going through her mind.

I’ve got a window open in every room. Heard someone drive up and set Brandy off for a minute, and then some thumps that I guess may be car doors. What is he doing now, dealing? Nah. He may be hard up for bucks since he has a kid, but I think he’s just typical where visitors are concerned. That’s one of my concerns about an adult community. Everyone but us seems to have company just about every day and sometimes many times a day. I don’t want to have to sit and listen to car doors slamming galore.

There goes the motorcycle which means there goes the barking unless someone’s up there. I’m gonna put the sound machines on nonetheless. This is the fifth distraction already and it’s not even noon.

Tammy hasn’t seemed to be on FB which is alright with me. Besides, if she’s like most people she’ll start a journal for a while but won’t stick with it. You have to really love to write to stick to things like journals and stories and this is the first she’s ever mentioned writing in the 46 years she’s been my sister.

Yesterday I was bummed, bored and void of energy. Not depressed or stressed but I was just in one of those lazy moods and because I just couldn’t motivate myself to do much, I was bored. I didn’t work on my story or do much of anything. I mostly watched movies, read and listened to music. Oh, and I did study some more of that ugly German and do the dishes.

Because I was in such a lazy mood without much energy, I wandered into the troll’s bullshit blog once again to find she’s supposedly recanted, saying she feels bad for wishing in her blog that Alison would die of cancer and is sorry for it. Then she admits to needing to get offline because she’s not acting responsibly, blaming it on having a mental illness and saying she’s trying to figure out what to do about it and how to get over her anger at her former friends. Every now and then she appears to know right from wrong and to be genuinely sorry for the mean and hateful things she’s said and with a desire to correct the error of her ways. But just hours or days later she’s right back to the same old shit with seemingly no concept of right and wrong, no guilt, no empathy, no compassion, and no desire to change. The sick and twisted obsession of stalking and reaching out to those who have told her to go away lives on.

Although I’m sick of public journaling and the time it was taking up to deal with “fans,” and am determined to stay out of Molly’s radar for the entire year, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she were right where she is now come the end of 2012 – living with her parents, jobless, and chasing those that don’t want a damn thing to do with her. She still checks for me multiple times a day on thoughts.com.

I did get a kick out of her writing something about being paranoid that we’re out to get her and are plotting against her with the police. It’s nice to see her paranoid for once! But that’s anything but true. The pigs don’t give a shit and I still think that most people that call them do it out of spite and not because they truly fear for their safety.

I feel bad for Aly and Kim and not just because the troll makes it hard for them to ignore her, but because from the sound of Kim’s tweets, she may lose her dad soon, and Aly’s in the hospital. She said just when she thought her health couldn’t get any worse she ends up with a lung infection. I just hope she’s cancer-free! She was supposed to get her test results today. That girl is so, so cursed physically! I don’t tell her this, of course, but Aly’s not stupid. She knows damn well God has it in for her just like He usually has it in for us. Only difference is God uses money to beat us down and not our health. Seriously, if there is a God at all He is so hateful, merciless and void of compassion that it’s scary. But I do try to avoid cussing Him out when the shit hits the fan for fear of Him spiting me for it by adding more shit to hit the fan with. He just seems so vengeful.

I changed usernames on Formspring and Twitter to throw the troll off and even protected my tweets. But then Andy mentioned my Formspring account being deactivated when I didn’t deactivate it. I sent those Formfuckers a message, but haven’t heard back from them. They’ve always been a glitchy site and I wonder if the name change has anything to do with it. Since I was never a big fan of the site I’m probably not going to fight too hard to restore the account. I know Andy liked my backgrounds and being able to post his favorite lines from my journals, but I can send graphics in emails and he can post faves in other places. Meanwhile, we can still play on his page; I just appear anonymous.

German grammar is such a joke. Not only cuz there are 12 different ways to pluralize things but because of things like the uses of the word come. We say “come here” whether it’s to someone we know well or not and regardless of how many people. But in German, you must say “kommen hier” if it’s formal and for those you don’t know well. The informal usage is “komm hier” for one person and “kommt hier” for more than one person. How fucked up is that? Kommen, komm, kommt… why can’t they all just “come here?!”

The descriptive gender words in romance languages drives me nuts, too. In Italian a fat woman is grassa while a fat man is grasso and a group is grassi. Why can’t we all just be fat! LOL

I am so pissed off right now between Jesse, the black bitch and Molly. Molly hasn’t done much to me directly lately but she is continuing to spew such hate and anger towards Alison that I’ve gone from feeling bad for Alison to literally wanting to beat the shit out of Molly for the mean shit she’s been saying, just words or not. She still jumps back to saying she wants to be friends and is missing her oh so much, but it’s getting to be more and more “I hate Alison and hope the cancer kills her” kind of shit and to not go to her blog because she’s such a terrible person, then she posts the link to it.

What the hell’s the matter with Thoughtsthat they sit there and let her get away with this shit? She’d never have been able to say this shit on the old Kiwibox site. It’s just ridiculous! And wrong and unfair. It only deepens my own anger and hatred toward the black bitch that can have me investigated and God knows what else while this crazy little shitster carries on with her usual shit that’s gone on for years. When did I ever say I hoped the black bitch would die and post links saying to stay away from her because she’s not a good person? Molly’s just one step shy of actually making threats. My God, I hope she kills herself or that her parents wake the fuck up! I’d love for them to wake up in the middle of the night to find their darling daughter standing over their bed with a knife in hand. Would they be such protective enablers then?

She finally wrote about the day she went off on her parents and got committed for it. She said her mother could’ve had her arrested for threatening to kill her but didn’t. Oh, but they can arrest me for what’s supposed to be the same thing, right? She said her father was in her face and screaming at her while pointing his finger. It had to do with wanting to see one of the guys she’s harassed for years up in Iowa who doesn’t even want to know she exists. He then took her by the wrist and made her sit in a chair after putting her in a headlock for threatening to kill her parents and then she said she called the cops on him. “I hate living with my parents!” she screams in her blog. “I have no freedom!”

How can say she has no freedom when everything is done for her? Her shelter and food and utilities are all paid for, she doesn’t have to work, and she’s allowed to sit on her ass all day and harass people online yet she doesn’t have any freedom? WTF??? Really, just WTF?!?!

But the sad thing about it is that she could never hold a job long enough to support her own damn self. She’s just too fucked in the head.

I love how she’s complaining about colds, nose bleeds and stomach pain. Gee, I wonder why! Have I been a “nasty influence” on the black bitch too, or has God been protecting her from that, too?

Just like she needs to stop reading certain people’s blogs, I really gotta stop reading hers. It’s like her addiction rubbed off on me somehow. But why read what’s only going to be the same old, same old fucking shit until she graduates to threats?

Let me bitch about Jesse before I get to the hater. He damn near drove me batshit crazy yesterday gunning and running vehicles on and off throughout a 10-hour period, but the car is gone so maybe it’s been sold. I heard like 4 different vehicles up there yesterday (truck, ATV, motorcycle, dirt bike), except for maybe the bulldozer, and of course there was a barking spree thrown in, too. He’s really taken what country living is supposed to be all about, and I just hope and pray that Tom doesn’t get laid off and nothing happens to stop us from getting out of here this summer. Things have slowed down at work. He hasn’t even had any OT lately, though they did say something about the first week of the month being slower.

Tom said Jesse didn’t seem to be around last Thursday since the trash was still there when he got back, and from the sound of the dogs which have been barking for nearly two hours, I’d say he’s out this Thursday as well. It really pisses me off to need sound machines going just to hear myself think and to be able to concentrate on my writing. Sometimes I just want to hear nothing but the sounds of nature but he won’t let me have that much unless it’s at night. Well, as long as it’s not a night that he’s out somewhere. They say it’s going to FINALLY rain next week. That’ll keep him off some of his vehicles, especially the Harley and the dirt bike, so long as we don’t get just a drizzle.

I don’t mind taking a break from public blogging to get away from Molly if only for a year, but it makes me feel controlled by that fucking black bitch down south all over again. I’ll do what I have to do in order to protect myself from once again being wrongfully arrested, prosecuted, convicted and fucked over, but still…here I am all these years later having to once again alter my behavior because of her.

Tom says they can’t serve me because I’m not in Arizona, I don’t use an Arizona driver’s license, and it’s not something like murder, but the dream I had last night was a little scary. There weren’t pigs camped outside the door waiting to legally kidnap and haul me away, but some woman called and informed me in a snotty tone that I would be receiving a summons to appear in court. Playing dumb I asked why and she said something to the effect of my blog pissing people off. I then made some kind of reference to Tom after hanging up about the possibility of me being in deep shit depending on just how many people that may be.

Tom keeps insisting I’m just paranoid, it wasn’t a real cop, and I’ll be fine as long as I stay off the grid. I hope he’s right. No, he is right! He is right because I will not let Arizona have me once again!

Anyway, it’s frustrating wanting to watch a movie now but knowing it’s pointless since the barking in the background will only be distracting.

It’s also frustrating when I can’t make up my mind. Continue to put up with this Mac crap as it is? Get Word for Mac? Windows 7?

My arms are a bit sore after getting the new equipment and working out much harder. The muscle I’m gaining is amazing! You can see muscle definition on my entire body, but despite all the running I do, my legs are the least visible of it, especially up in the thigh area. Yet any idiot can look at me and see I work out hard even though I could still stand to lose some fat and inches. I’ve decided to space out my days off. Instead of taking the whole weekend off, I’m taking Wednesdays and Saturdays off. That way I don’t have two days off in a row.

Tom said Jesse’s trying to sell an old car that’s parked out by the main road. That would explain all the engine gunning and loud motors I’ve been hearing since people are probably coming around to test-drive the thing. It would also explain why he’s been zipping up and down the drive on the ATV. I’m sure I’ll have to hear all about it today, too. :(

Looks like the troll, who deleted her blogs and has started over like she always does, is back to sleeping. It hasn’t peeked in my blog for 10 hours.

I have been thinking about the shitsters in Arizona (like I can help it) and I really wonder just what the hell it is they want to charge me with. I have gone over it again and again in my mind as far as anything I ever sent and I am 100% sure I never said or did anything illegal. I can guarantee that much. This means they’ve got to have set me up and altered something I sent with threats and no doubt racial shit as well. They had to have. Unfortunately, the race card works well anywhere in the country, but what better state to play it in than Arizona?

I’m pretty sure we’ll be finding out just what the bullshit charges are or at least what they’re calling them as I really think a summons is next. Just like that person we once knew got a letter about their case first before they got a summons. Any idiot knows that a few mailings and a phone call hardly constitute “stalking” but that’s what they called it. What will they call whatever it is I supposedly did this time and is it a felony or a misdemeanor? I don’t think Arizona has many things that classify as just a misdemeanor, but like I said, I think we’ll be finding out soon.

Threats are a possibility too, but I think they’ll just go right for the summons rather than threaten to arrest me if I continue to ignore them or something like that. I really think it’s already hit the courts or is about to because I still think the pig would’ve said “A complaint has been filed or made against you,” and not “a case.” I just don’t think we’ve heard the last of this or that they’ll give up on me that easily, off the grid or not. I just wonder what God will use to sic this hater on me again if that’s what He’s really going to do. Last time he used my sister. Who/what will it be this time? It’s just that things tend to happen the more you’re anticipating them. The more you’re expecting a particular email or phone call from someone in particular, the more messages you seem to get until then and the more the phone tends to ring. Someone who’s maybe looking to try to sell you something shows up at your door when you think it’s the company you’re expecting. So does this mean the pigs will come down here for something totally unrelated and scare the shit out of me while they’re at it? Seriously, I may have vowed not to let them get to me, but that would still scare the living daylights right outa me!

As we know, a judgment can be filed without the defendant present in a lawsuit, but what about a criminal case? Can they just decide what my so-called punishment should be without me there? One that could entail a fine that they help themselves to from Tom’s paycheck? Again, I can’t imagine how the hell I could be fined, jailed or even just thrown on probation for anything I’ve done. I’ve seen some of Molly’s blogs. I know how she behaves online and she too, lives in a state with barbaric laws/sentences. But since no one black is involved and God seems to love to protect everyone but me may be why she continues to get away with stalking and trashing people online like she has for close to a decade.

I just know I’ve been set up. Whatever it is they’re planning to nail me with, I was framed. No doubt about it. And you know what? I don’t know what’s worse – getting nailed for something you did do or getting nailed for something you didn’t do. I will admit, however, that the thought of the black bitch going to court all over again all these years later just to find I’m not there is a touch amusing.

And I never will be there! I can’t make God look out for me, but I can look out for myself and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them victimize, abuse or control me or my life ever again! I will not report to any court or PO cuz they said so. I will not be dressed in their funny little uniforms! I will not be kept from my home, husband and pet! I will not eat their bland or overspiced food! I will not shower in their cold showers! I will not live in their concrete and steel world! I will not pay them money.

I will stay right here in this dumpy little trailer until my husband and I are ready to leave it.

Thinking back on what happened last time around, was I even technically under arrest when the black pig hauled my ass to Phoenix or was I just being dragged in for questioning that I could’ve refused but didn’t know I could? While it was dumb of me to open the door (I really thought they were looking for someone else and that if I just showed them my ID I’d be okay) I just wonder if I was actually arrested yet at the time. I could’ve sworn Tom said something about the pig telling either him or the queen that it “hadn’t been decided yet whether or not I’d be booked.” Then someone at the PD told some woman pig to “just file it for now.”

I’m a curious person that likes to know how things work, fucked up or not, and I wonder if I could’ve refused to go with them that day or if then they’d have arrested me upon refusal. I’ve been racking my brains trying to remember if I was ever shown an arrest warrant or Mirandized and I honestly don’t remember either way. I know I was arrested half a year later by the Mexican pig for the little court call I never received, but did the other pig(s) arrest me???

Whether or not someone threatens me or comes to question me, how will they react to my not appearing in court? That’s what I wonder. I worry about it a little, too. Will that make them try harder to screw me? I’d like to think that no state would spend the time and money to extradite someone for whatever threats and racial slurs they may’ve inserted into my messages, but stranger things have happened.

I’m just so sick of people trying to fuck with me for expressing myself. Be it by phone, by email, online… I’m sick of being treated like a child and told what to do! No one’s told me what to do as of yet in this case, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let them start and let them seize control of my life simply because someone couldn’t handle what I had to say or because they had to falsify evidence against me for something I didn’t even do. I don’t kill people, I don’t steal from them, I don’t burn people’s houses down; all I do is speak my fucking mind! If you don’t agree with it, don’t listen! I am so, so sick of people getting on me for words and not actions. Why don’t they wait till I actually do something before they fuck with me, not that I have any desire to do anything to anyone? Not unless they give me a reason to.

I wonder if the pigs will try to friend me with a bogus profile on FB or something to see what’s going on with me. I doubt they’d go that far, but I won’t accept any strangers. I’m keeping the friends I have but am not open to new buds no matter how hot they may be. I miss the social scene but I don’t. The variety in people, countries and comments was fun, but not the drama that sometimes came of it.

Was just reading back on the summer of 2000. I was arrested around 7/17 and was supposed to be arraigned on the 31st. But the fuckers fucked up the paperwork so it was bumped up to 8/3. So I guess they arraign someone pretty quickly after deciding they have a case against them, real or falsified.

The signs were there all along. My dreams said it all. Yeah, I was reading back on some of the nightmares I had at the time. I just didn’t know I was psychic at the time! Not in that way. The thing is, though, if someone’s gonna come after me to arrest or question me I probably won’t dream about it till the night before. So just because I feel “safe” and “ok” about the situation right now doesn’t mean trouble may not be coming next Monday. I still think they’ve either set an arraignment date or are about to.

I don’t feel nervous but I guess I must be. Why else would I have shit 6 times in 30 hours? One more and I’ll plug my ass up for a day or two with anti-run pills.

The last thing I want to hear is Jesse’s daily barrage of engine gunning, but I’d also like to hear my surroundings, not that I plan to open up for any pigs. Unless Jesse lets them in or they kick their way in here or they ambush us in the drive, I have nothing to say to them.

Perhaps another reason I feel so calm is that I already made up my mind years ago that I would never let them fuck me over again. They got me once and they’ll never get me again. So let them make their “cases.” Let there be a thousand warrants, but this time they simply can’t have me.

Do I also feel calm because my psychic side (no bad dreams last night) knows I have nothing to fear like Tom says as long as I go off the grid? Maybe so, but if I’m kidding myself it isn’t going to be because I was dumb and naïve enough to open the door for them. They’d have to drag me out of here. And I won’t be honest with them like I was in the past by admitting to sending the journals, thinking the truth would set me free, so to speak, and that they’d leave me alone if I just “leveled” with them and told them what they wanted to hear.

Going off the grid is something I have mixed emotions about. I feel like they’re controlling me in a sense and I’ll miss seeing who comes around my blog and some of the comments I’d get, but I like the idea of a year or so off from the troll. I’m only blogging on Facebook – oh no! I hear the ATV. I hope he’s not coming down to tell me the pigs were questioning him about me! I think I’ll just blare the sound machine after all. Unless he really does come down here, I don’t want to hear his shit all day. I can’t concentrate on my writing and it’s just plain annoying even when I’m not writing.

So anyway, I’m only blogging for Facebook friends and via email for Andy. I’ve stopped all emails to Maliheh because I don’t know what the hell’s going on with her. I don’t know if I’ve been dumped or if she’s got some kind of crisis going on in her life, and right now all I care about is keeping crises out of my own life. Every time we get up, something or someone seems determined to pull us back down and I’ll be damned if I’ll let life or the people in it drag us through the mud again.

I may still tweet and do Formspring with Andy, but no blogging for about a year unless these sickos and pigs force me to acknowledge them. Tom guarantees going off the grid will do the trick, but I don’t know about that. I sure hope he’s right cuz there have been other times I thought I was done hearing from the law just to later find out I wasn’t. I dread checking my email, but again, ignorance isn’t always bliss. So yeah, even if they don’t come here I expect a slew of threats will be next. Call-us-or-we’ll-arrest-you type of threats. Then again, I don’t know that they’d be willing to let me in on anything else they may have in store for me from here on out.

I was mistaken in saying the pig emailed Tom, but I sure would like to know what the black pig has to do with this and why he was emailed. And how did they miss some of my email accounts?

I tweeted that I was unable to log into my main blog and that’s what I told others as well so they wouldn’t be curious and so that it wouldn’t look suspicious if the pigs were watching my online activity. I hate the idea of giving Molly the satisfaction of thinking she ran me off the site, but to hell with her. This is more important.

I know in my heart and from a logical standpoint that I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG other than to say things people don’t want to hear and that pissed them off, but I need to act like I’m guilty as sin to protect myself from Arizona and its crazy laws/punishments. Arizona is chock full of corrupt pigs, lawyers and judges. Well, the whole country is, but Arizona’s one of the worst. I know what it’s like to be legally railroaded and victimized and I will NEVER let it happen again. I will deny, deny, deny just like Tom said if I’m ever questioned. I will also say I thought it was a scam since it was sent to multiple emails and that I thought the person might’ve been in another country and didn’t speak very good English since they said they “worked” for the PD and not that they “work” for them.

Tom said the less I give them and the less I seem to exist, the better my chances are of not being hassled. But each thing I do can add up. In other words, they wanted to get me for earlier pranks I pulled on the blacks, but it wasn’t enough. It was the journal and the call that ultimately gave them enough ammo to screw me.

But what did I do between October and now to “give them enough ammo?” Or were they just planning a case all along?

That’s another thing that bugs me is the usage of the word “case,” along with the fact that this time the pig that’s on my tail is a Mexican. Figures, huh? But they’re the ones that usually go after us whities when someone plays the race card. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s been done, and God knows what evidence they may’ve falsified. Digital things can be easily manipulated. Tom said, though, that it’s just a police report from the statement the black bitch gave, but then why didn’t the pig say, “A complaint has been made against you” instead of “A case has been made against you?” That word really bugs me and I think they either already set a court date for what I guess would be an arraignment or they’re trying to find out my address to make a date and send me a summons. I don’t know if they need to know one’s address to do that, but I still think they could find out our addresses if they wanted to. And our phone numbers. I just hope that Tom’s right in saying that all he is is just a small-town cop trying to get me to put my foot in my mouth so they can nail me. The law mostly thrives on vengeance, not justice. If it were mostly about justice you wouldn’t have so many people getting off so easy or not even being charged in the first place.

We were talking about someone we knew in Oregon who had a full-blown criminal investigation going against them and had already reached the courts in which they were ordered but failed to appear. It was a felony, too. Anyway, Tom explained to me how they went off the grid and why they weren’t arrested and extradited being in another state and all that.

I just hope he’s right and that they’ll leave me the fuck alone! But I will say this… sometimes people can come to regret tapping one on the shoulder one too many times and forcing them to face them. Really, if you stick your hand in a hole in the ground, something just might bite you and make you sorry as hell:) Yes, sometimes fishing someone out of their little nest has a way of making us wish to hell we’d never gone fishing in the first place. And I promise that this time around I WILL make anyone responsible for turning my life upside down, should that happen in a legal way or not, sorry they were ever even born. I am, however, determined to do all I can to see to it that it doesn’t come to that but yes, I will kill for my freedom and I will die for my enemies at this point. Had I handled these people as I should have from the get-go things never would’ve snowballed and gotten so damn out of control! But I was too “nice” and “cooperative” and definitely naïve in some ways to stop the mountain from forming from the molehill. I just hope that for everyone’s sake, I don’t become an obsession to the pigs. I am white, like it or not, she’s black, and unfortunately there is history there.

Later…

I called my parents, wanting to see if Dad was feeling better. I’ve been concerned about him. Again, I know there’s nothing I could do from afar or even as his neighbor, but that still doesn’t mean I don’t care and worry about what’s going on. Fortunately, Dad himself answered. Ma was at the store. He said he was feeling better and he sounded it, too. Last time he sounded a bit winded.

He said he just finished my book and that it was good. Wow! That’s not only quite a compliment but I wasn’t sure he’d get through it, sick or not, LOL.

Why can’t we have a landlord that likes to do nothing but sit on his ass inside his house all the time? This isn’t the city for God’s sake! Yet nearly every day these woods are filled with the sounds of engine gunning, loud vehicles and chainsaws. I’m really getting sick of the daytime noise around here. I wish it would rain this guy indoors! But we’re having a serious drought. It hasn’t rained but maybe a dozen times since last May and I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will again. The 5-cast says the same thing it’s said for a while now – sunny and 60s. It gets down in the 30s at night, though, so it’s pretty cold then.

Been having congestion and it was more noticeable this morning for some reason. I don’t think I’ve been getting too carried away with my love of incense, but I’ll take a break from burning any for a while. After all, this shitbox is only 500 square feet.

I’ve been hit with writer’s block and hope to pull out of it this week and get back to work on my current book. It’s not that I don’t have enough ideas for the story; I just can’t focus at times. Like most writers, we have our cycles and these blocks tend to come in waves where we’re on a roll for a while, then we don’t write, and back and forth. I’m only consistent with my journal because that doesn’t take as much thinking. Also, when you have ADHD it can make it hard to concentrate when your efficient but noisy landlord starts gunning and running loud vehicles or you’re suddenly thinking of other things.

Like hoping things will continue running smoothly. Things were so bad for so long that I admit I’m not used to them going well for more than 5 minutes. But it’s now been a few months and I hope it will last while I fear it won’t. I try to suppress these fears, however, for our fears sometimes have a way of manifesting themselves if we dwell on them too much.

“Kate” was doing a fine job of pissing off and even making the troll rather anxious yesterday to the point that I thought she just might leave Thoughts after all. Instead, she just ran poor Aly off before I went off the grid. She is spewing hate and anger toward Alison like crazy. Well, she’s angry over a lot of things, but a lot of it seems directed at Alison lately. She simply makes it too hard for people to ignore her.

While I was never much of a people person to begin with, it was interesting seeing people from all over the world visit my blog and learning about their own lives. Some of them anyway. Most I don’t care to know as it’s the same old predictable shit that doesn’t interest me, but a few could be rather fascinating.

But Molly really spoiled the fun and the fact that she’s acting worse than even a 15-year-old typically acts at 28 years of age is not only sad but kind of scary as well. She’s been this way for so many years that I wonder if she’ll be doing the same thing 10, 20 years from now. It makes me furious to know the pigs can “make a case” out of me when there’s no comparison to anything I’ve done as opposed to what Molly’s been doing for over a decade now. But that’s just our unfair God for you. I’m sure she’ll continue to get away with it. He may punish her in other ways, but I don’t know if the torture of anger and depression over lost friends and exes is good enough. I think legal action should and needs to be taken against her to scare her straight, so to speak, if that’s even possible. If it’s not then she needs to be kept away from the internet.

At the same time, our twisted God/laws infuriate me, I giggle at the thought of her wondering what the hell became of me for the next year or so since I’ll probably spend at least the rest of 2012 off the grid. Well, she’ll see my posts on Twitter and Formspring, but she’ll wonder where the hell I’ve been blogging and what I’ve been saying about her. Oh, and one of her posts (she makes tons a day that are usually not much longer than status updates) said that one of the 5 reasons she wanted to be Alison’s friend was because they both wear makeup, LOL. That’s a good one.

I also liked how she statused that her mother was taking her laptop away until she could stop going to Alison’s, Kim’s and my pages. It didn’t last very long at all if she really did take it away.

I don’t want to dwell on trolls, pigs, blacks, courts, laws or God. I’m still asking God to protect me this time around, but I don’t know that He will in the end. I know that if he really wants to feed me to the wolves, He can and He will and there won’t be anything I can do about it. And so it is up to me to do everything within my power and control to keep the evil away.

I’m sick of the online scares as it is, so yeah, I’m kind of looking forward to keeping a low profile for a while. Online terrors like Molly, Molly’s mother and then the pigs, have gotten quite old. The only way to stop that cycle is for me to back off for a while.

Tammy, on the other hand, tells me she’s thinking of journaling herself. I’m surprised. I didn’t think writing was her thing any more than learning languages.

She said she was almost admitted to the hospital yesterday, is on oxygen and high doses of valium, and in need of bed rest. She also said it’s been hard on her and the girls emotionally.

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. If she’s not terminal, then why is she suffering so much? Either way, I still don’t know if I like the idea of her contacting me for tips on journaling. She’s getting too close lately. Too close for comfort. And every time she says she wishes I’d visit, I cringe.

“We’re never visiting her and she’s never visiting us,” Tom said.

Damn right! Tammy is a flame that if you get too close to for too long, you will get burned. There’s still a lot of anger there toward her. Tom said some warrants really do expire and I guess he’s done more research and would know these things. Battered woman’s syndrome or not, confused or not, had she not gone and sicced the pigs on me, the black’s warrant would’ve expired probably within a year and what was a then naïve little me would never have been abused by these sickos other than the shit we went through as neighbors.

Oh God, you can’t let them get me again! You can’t!