Still raining out. Hasn’t rained like this in years! I’d rather be on the beach in Maui, but it sure is keeping things quiet around here. 

Felt a touch jittery yesterday, but nothing serious. I’m fine now and I hope I stay that way. It’s been two weeks since my last chill pill, which might be a record for me. 

I just wish I wasn’t so torn on things at times! Should we get a kitten or stick to rats? Should I cut my hair to my shoulders or let it keep growing? It’s almost to the middle of my back when pulled straight. Do I try Nutrisystem for a month or do I just stay the way I am since I’m only a little overweight? 

Had a dream that I was in the house where I grew up that was next to my maternal grandparents. The only difference was that you could see into their backyard in the dream from the cellar window which didn’t exist in real life and wasn’t as huge as this one was. Nana was in her backyard leading an aerobics class or something. She saw me looking out the window at her and she mouthed the words, “Yes, you can do this too,” with body language that hinted at sarcasm. I was busy doing laundry, though. 

Later… 

Sometimes I still wonder about Andy. Is he really having memory issues, or just playing with me? His admission yesterday sort of confirmed that he likes to gross me out/annoy me when I commented on a pic of a hairy guy he posted being gross. His response was that he “loves showing me pics of hairy guys.” 

And other things he knows I don’t like or care for? I’ve wondered this at times. I mean it’s just a coincidence (or is it) that he posts a pic of pizza after I mentioned on Facebook that my meds were making me hungry. How about when I mentioned, also on Facebook, signs of those preoccupied or even obsessed with food and then he turns around and mentions what he’s having for dinner? There was something else he recently did that made me wonder, and well, I’ve had these same suspicions all along. 

The memory issues and the OMG stupidity are getting to me, too. How many times do I have to explain the same goddamn things to him? He last asked me if there were others I texted besides Tom. Just 5 hours earlier I told him I texted with Aly. I asked if he was reading my questions/answers in haste, and I get, “What do you mean, reading in haste?” I am so ready to beat my head into the wall where he’s concerned! Just what is it with him??? Early dementia? Just not paying attention? Not giving a shit? Playing games? This isn’t just an issue of forgetfulness, but an issue of stupidity as well. He just doesn’t get things you would think most people would get. 

I don’t know what’s worse at times, whether it’s intentional or not, the way he at least appears to go out of his way to offend or gross me out, his memory issues, or his stupidity. If he truly is suffering from memory loss lately, that can make him appear dumber than he actually is. I’ve thought of suggesting that he ask his doctor about it, but I figure he’ll just get offended as if I were attacking him and then counterattack by throwing my sleep disorder in my face or something. 

Although it’s conceivable that he could be playing with me with the memory thing, since I know that if he can play with me on other things he could with this too, but at this point I think his memory issues are very real. I just don’t know what’s causing it. My guess is all the years of being a pothead. It really does fry the brain.

Dear Levothyroxine: Thanks for making me feel better. I am no longer dizzy. I am no longer moody or anxious for no apparent reason whatsoever. I don't go from hot to cold as much. I'm not skinny but I have a nice hourglass shape and can now eat what I want without gaining weight so long as I run or ride my bike a few miles a day. My voice is no longer hoarse at times and the burning sensation is gone too. Now will you PLEASE STOP KNOCKING THE HAIR OUT OF MY FREAKIN HEAD?! 

The more I get back to my old self and think about Doc Sexy, the more pissed off I get. I know she told me my ingrown toenail might grow back, but had she done it right the first time around, we wouldn’t have wasted hundreds of dollars for nothing. 

Secondly, and as Tom pointed out months ago, I didn’t need a shrink (which I did not see), I needed a dose of medication that wasn’t too high for me. Giving me a low dose of lorazepam at the time was fine and even the counselor referral was ok too, but a shrink that can give me medication just so I can take a dose of another medication that’s too high for me? That’s just ridiculous! To think that she and two other so-called pros told me to keep on taking 75mcg when it was making me feel like utter shit really pisses me off. 

She was good for the biopsy I had done and she was good for the rash I had as well, so I can’t go so far as to say she was a bad doctor. She was great in many ways, but definitely wrong for me as a whole. Maybe if I’d had the problems I had years ago with asthma and allergies she would’ve been just fine, but with my current situation I definitely did right by giving her up and I definitely did right by dropping Dr. D and Sutter altogether. 

I also withdrew the friend request I had sent her, but I honestly doubt she even got it, or the message I sent her, knowing how glitchy Facebook can be. The message I sent never came up as being seen. Why would she read it and then mark it as unread? Most likely because she didn’t get it or the friend request, but it doesn’t matter. Hottie or not, I don’t care to be friends with her at this point, though I do wish her the best of luck in life. 

The wind is whipping and I forgot to write down my dreams as soon as I got up, so I wouldn’t forget them. Damn! 

We’re supposed to get 5” of rain today! That’ll keep things quiet around here as it should be for being a retirement community. All I hear is the wind and wind chimes right now. 

SMUD arrived at 8:30 yesterday morning, but didn’t turn off the power till around 9:15. They replaced the transformer diagonally from us that serves something like 9 houses. Didn’t realize our electricity ran underground, but it does. For someone who’s normally observant, it’s strange that I never realized till yesterday that there are no utility poles or power lines running from house to house. 

After they lifted the transformer off the truck with a crane and put it in place, the power came back on about 20 minutes later. In the meantime, I texted Tom, Andy, Tammy and Aly. That Google speech-to-text thing can get addicting! It’s fun to use, though not always accurate. 

Tom read an interesting article about rats. Unlike dogs and cats, which have been pets for thousands of years (well, dogs aren’t usually pets in the West), rats have only been pets for about 100 years. Rat catchers used to gather rats from people’s homes in the early 1900s, throw them in a pen with a dog, and then people would bet on how fast it would take the dog to kill all the rats. Disgusting and cruel! 

I also learned that more of the rats have names besides the hooded ones. Cream-colored rats with a spec of brown on the nose like my Sugar ratty are Himalayan rats. Dark brown rats with white paws and bellies like Romeo was are Berkshire rats. If they have colored heads with stripes running down the back like Hoodie, they’re Hooded. If they only have colored heads, they’re Capped.

After growing horribly weak and thin, especially over the last few days, Romeo finally died yesterday morning shortly after Tom left for work. I was surprised he hung on as long as he did, though I thought he’d make it another day or two. He now rests under the cypress trees. 

I’m surprised Sugar outlived him after having a stroke last May, but he’s only a month or two younger, so I don’t expect him to make it to the spring. 

Young Hoodie is getting to be a real attention whore, haha. 

Still torn about getting a kitten. They’d be less work and I like the idea of having a pet that lives more than just 2-3 years. They don't catch on as fast as rats even though they can learn some things. One thing Tom recently read is that they have an inability to think things through and will do things like climb to high places without making sure they can get back down first. A rat, however, is intelligent enough to think before climbing, and they will. I also don't know where I'd move some of these breakables to, so we'll see. 

Completed Dutch Basics 1, Basics 2, and Phrases, and now it’s on to Food and then Plurals.

I rejoined Tumbler a couple of days ago and couldn’t think of a creative username at the time, so I grabbed one of their suggestions – ButteryHappyLand. Tom got a kick out of it. I’m backing up entries by the month there. Meaning that a whole month’s worth will go in one long post. The posts will be separated by giant HD photos for those with large screens to enjoy. I’ve got the late 80s and most of the 90s posted. 

It just really annoys me when people follow me there or on sites like Twitter for all the wrong reasons. Meaning that they want me to buy something from them. They don’t have a genuine interest in my blogs/tweets. 

Tom and I are going to ride the perimeters really early this morning. Really hope my little heart can handle the hills! It should be ok with the gear wheel. I’m so glad he likes working out with me because I’m definitely not ready to go out there alone. 

Last night I dreamed I was lost in a huge building and asked a stout black lady for directions to get somewhere. She told me to take the elevator up a few floors and exit the back door. I guess the elevator had two doors and the place I was looking for was on a back floor. 

In another dream, I was at the home of my maternal grandparents. For some reason, I was terrified of Pa and believed that Nana was, too. I ran down the hallway and into a bedroom where I called the police on my cell. 

They asked me for the number of the house, but I couldn’t think of it. Finally, I just said, “Look for Berkeley Dr. I grew up there and my grandparents are in the house to the left.” 

It seemed like I was on the phone with them forever and I finally said, “Why hasn’t anyone shown up yet?” 

Just when I thought they’d hung up on me or the connection had dropped, the dispatcher said, “Some would say you’re the problem.” 

“What?!” I said with confusion and frustration. Not knowing what they were implying or wanting to deal with people who obviously weren’t willing to help me, I ran out into the living room to see if Nana was ok. She appeared to be asleep on the couch while Pa sat in a chair nearby. Although his eyes were open and glued to the TV, I thought he was asleep.

Although these rats have fooled me before and have defied death, I'd say Romeo's days are definitely numbered. He's anorexic, can barely move, and is old as hell in ratty years. 

Andy thanked me for not dumping him after he visited (I don’t know why he thought I would do that at such a time). 

After the guilt bit me on the ass after "frivolously" dumping people years ago simply because I needed to "clear my head" or "find my way" or because I "didn't need" a particular person in my life, I vowed to be a better, more devoted friend. I may get annoyed with some people at times just as they do with me, but from here on out, in order to qualify for a Jodi dumping, you must have the following traits: 

The inability to accept me as I am without trying to control, change or judge me (though this doesn't mean you can't kindly tell me the color yellow looks shitty on me). 

The ability to lie to me. 

The willingness to use and abuse me at will to suit your own personal pleasures. 

An obvious lack of compassion and empathy should I become ill, poor, pissed, mad, sad or fearful of something be it a pack of angry wolves or the paperclip in my desk drawer. 

If you do not have any of these traits then you do not qualify for me to stick my finger down my throat and purge you out of my life. 

So that’s basically it! I mean there are a few other things that could drive me away – making false accusations against me, becoming overly clingy/demanding, having major trust issues, which basically means you wouldn’t believe a damn thing I (or anyone else) said, or acting extremely moody/contradictory. It has always annoyed the hell out of me when people feel one way one minute, then another the next, on a constant basis, or when they can’t follow through with their word. Excessive repetitiveness gets to me at times too, when all people want to do is discuss the same damn few subjects all the time, most of which I know nothing about and probably don’t want to. It’s highly unlikely I’d let someone go for being repetitive, though. We all get hung up on certain things at times. Oh, and I could definitely do without stupidity and immaturity at times, too. 

Dreams: I had a pet snake that crawled under a friend’s chair which I pulled out. The friend ran scared anyway. I also had a puppy or a small dog and was watching a reality show where a woman met some people she’d known in her abusive childhood, and was saying she had forgiven one woman who was particularly nasty to her in school. 

In the last dream, I hadn’t seen Tom for 9 years, though I have no idea why. I asked him what his best and worst experiences were during those years. He said his best was a computer program he wrote, and his worst was a foot injury.

The Internet has become just as annoying as it is fun and useful. Everywhere I go I see nothing but links and comments about race, race, race! Nothing but race! Everything’s about race these days. Funny too, since true racism – true honest-to-God racism – is relatively rare these days, and the vast majority of racism claims are either fabricated or twisted in some way to be a lot more than it actually is. But why oh why are people – both blacks and whites alike – so damn blind to see this??? Perhaps they just don’t want to. Nothing’s changed for me, though, and I make ZERO apologies for my feelings either. Act like thugs and I’m going to see you as thugs. Keep on being responsible for over 80% of the crime in this country and crying racism when you don’t get your way and I’m not going to have an ounce of respect for you. 

Apparently, England doesn’t have the double standards America has with allowing blacks to shit on whites while crucifying whites for shitting on them (or who they imagine are shitting on them). I don’t know the details, but it has to do with something about a black athlete being charged with a racist Instagram message. It’s nice to see that it’s not ok for blacks to do what they accuse us of doing there, but damn has political correctness gotten way out of hand! Black or white, no one should be charged for something they say or write. What they do, maybe, but for words alone? If you threaten a minor, perhaps, but because you spoke your mind in a place no one was forced to listen/read? 

I’ve joined in Andy's canning excursion only we’re not going to go out driving to collect cans. Instead, we’re going to stop throwing ours in our recycling bin. I was bitching to Tom the other day that I wasn’t making as much as I’d like lately on the Turk. The Turk fluctuates, and the more you do the less you qualify for since they don’t want the same people doing the same tasks. I told Tom months ago that while I appreciate his offer to buy me whatever I want, I like to work too (other than keeping house) and don’t mind working for Amazon goodies and other fun things that aren’t necessities. So while I won’t quit the Turk completely, I will now also be saving and bagging cans and bottles instead of throwing them in our recycling bin. We were doing that just because it was convenient to do so and didn’t need the extra money. But we have plenty of room in this place to store the extra bags, so why not? Most of the things I like lately are under $50, so why not have the cans and bottles pay for them? 

I have felt sooo much better since going back on the meds. Never thought I’d say that, but as long as I’m not on a dosage too high for my body to handle, I definitely feel a lot less dizzy. Even my throat and anxiety are better and I’m not going from hot to cold as much. Funny how in the last couple of weeks I’ve felt the best I’ve felt in months after this very medication caused me a shitload of problems, and then even more problems after I stopped taking it. I haven’t even thought of chill pills lately. I still have plenty on hand as I’m not about to let myself suffer if I need them, but anxiety’s been the last thing on my mind lately and I hope it stays that way for a good long time! TFG what happened a few months ago didn’t happen while we were in Hawaii. What a disaster that would’ve been! 

Got my new HP 10” Pavilion laptop/tablet and it’s going to take some serious getting used to. It’s got Windows 8, so the first thing we did was beef up the security as best we possibly could. I’m no longer used to Windows, and less safe or not, it’s going to take some learning since it’s changed so much when I was last using XP and Vista. Vista was horrible, but I did like XP despite the crashing and viruses. I just hope I don’t get any viruses! This thing isn’t going to replace my big Mac but just be something I use in addition or when I’m not home. If there are any issues with it, I’ll just spend the grand or so it’ll cost to buy myself some safety and get something similar in a Mac. We didn’t pay much for this thing. It was something like $230 and $144 of it was paid for with our Walmart savings. No one wants to believe it unless they’ve had Macs for as long as we have, but Macs really are that much safer. It has to do with the way they’re built and how easy it is for people to get at your stuff. If outsiders can get in and access things, so can the viruses. 

Tom is coming up with better story ideas than I am lately. I have a rainbow-covered paper journal which I bought to take to Hawaii with me. Besides using it for the trip (and any future trips) I write quick one-page updates each month. The idea is to contribute to the little library the previous owners left here when we either move or die. That way if the next people want to, they can read about our lives here. 

“Should I mention that Andy said he sensed Gene?” I asked Tom. That’s when he said it’d make for a good story if someone moved into a house to find a book all about these supposed hauntings. They don’t believe it at first until they experience it firsthand, and of course no one else believes them at first either. 

The electric company is going to shut our electricity off for an hour Wednesday morning, which probably means 3 hours, and I thank fucking God I’ll be up at that time. I’d have been pissed as hell if I were to be sleeping. They’re probably going to replace a transformer or something. 

Dreams: First one I remember dealt with an old neighbor of mine named Jimmy. He lived below me in the late 80s back in MA. I was visiting him or something and he had an arm in a cast after a severe shoulder injury. The apartment I lived in on the 4th floor above him was also Andy's condo in part of that dream. 

A fleeting glimpse of a huge, old, ugly stainless steel microwave, and then Tom pulling me down next to him on a loveseat by a set of stairs while someone knocked on the door… and then a dream that took place here. 

I was home alone and in the living room. The dining room window was further toward the right than it actually is. I saw two dark-haired guys in their 30s or 40s with white dress shirts and dark pants walk by. I knew they were heading for the back door. Not wanting to be bothered, I dropped to the floor thinking I could at least observe them without them seeing that someone was actually home. 

Next thing I know they’re trying to pry the door open. The idea was to scramble to my feet and defend my home. I didn’t like that there were two of them, but doing absolutely nothing at all was no alternative. However, I couldn’t seem to push myself up off the floor. It was as if I suddenly weighed hundreds of pounds. When I finally did get up, I kicked the door shut just as it opened, but there was no one there. Thinking they’d slipped into the house somehow without me seeing them, I ran through the place in search of them, but I was alone.

Been getting views from Davis, not too far from here. It’s a college town. One of the hits from there said it came from the office of the president. Being a college, it definitely can’t be anyone I know. 

Looks like I tweeted about last night but didn’t blog about it. Well, we went to Denny’s and Walgreens. I was surprised at just how many people were out and about so late on a Thursday night. Dinner was delicious, though I’d have preferred not to eat it to the tune of 60-year-old Christmas songs blasting away. I was eventually glad for the racket since it did drown out those disgusting eating sounds Tom loves to make. Still, not everybody likes the same music and they shouldn’t force it on customers, even if no one’s forced to eat there. 

My steak was a bit tough but good. With it, I had French fries, scrambled eggs and pancakes. Tom got a cheeseburger and fries. 

At Walgreens, we both got some candy, and I got a set of 18 tiny bottles of nail polish, 5 of which are glitter topcoats, for just $10! I’d much rather have more small bottles in a variety of colors than fewer big bottles. 

Still doing my Dutch lessons. It’s way more similar to German than it is to English, but not quite as difficult because you don’t have umlauts. 

I moved the rats back into the bigger cage, but not the skinny-barred cage. I put them in the ferret cage. This way they can have more room and I don’t have to change it every few days. 

Speaking of the rats, I had a dream one of them was in a suitcase I had taken somewhere. Not that I would pack my rats in a suitcase, of course, haha, but in the dream the airline lost the suitcase and I was frantically trying to get help with getting a hold of it because I believed the rat would be dead in a day or two. 

In another dream, I was either staying or living somewhere where the weather was very summery. I stepped out of what I guess was a house and toward the road. To my right, the street ended a few houses down and I could see kids playing in that direction. To my left was a pool and straight ahead was the ocean. I seemed to be contemplating which one to take a dip in.

Although it puts me at risk of being stalked (since you just never know how people are going to react when you go off on them) I let one of my Prosebox followers in Michigan have it for bitching about me in one of her posts when her frustrations should've been voiced directly to me. It's ok to bitch in your blog about people. We all do it here and there. That’s what a journal is for; to write about the people, places and experiences of our lives. But still... she could have and should have come to me as well instead of being so damn rude, childish and immature about a lousy privacy error before she either hid or removed the entry! Did I go to HER? You bet. I'm not afraid to confront the source, and that’s just what I did. 

Meanwhile, I apologized to those who were put out by my accidentally flooding bookmarks, and who handled it like adults without acting like it was done deliberately or like I did something a helluva lot more annoying than just flood bookmarks. 

I thought about blocking her, but I usually only resort to blocking when I’m being trolled or spammed. So since I have nothing to hide, blocking isn’t necessary and hopefully, it won’t be in the future either, but that’s up to them. I know that like me, they have no children and they don’t work outside of home, so they have enough time on their hands to become a nuisance if they really want to at which time I will deal with them accordingly. I don’t expect them to make trouble for me, thus for themselves as well, but that’s what I thought about a couple of others who did just that for years. So… we’ll see. 

When I’m not accidentally uploading a bunch of drafts to a private book that I accidentally set as public, I usually make an average of 1-3 posts a day. If that’s too much for you, I told them, feel free to unfollow me. :) After all – and I mean no offense whatsoever to those I’ve met there who have been super kind to me – I didn’t go there to make friends. I use the site as a means of storing backups of my writings. Friends that come of it are just a byproduct of this action. :) 

I haven’t heard from Nane, and don’t care if I do or I don’t hear from her. I hope she won’t take that the wrong way if she reads my blog, but I’ve become rather indifferent as far as she’s concerned. Whatever happens, happens. I still feel she is a wee bit too hypocritical and judgmental for my tastes and I respect myself enough not to put up with that sort of thing. It wasn’t the first time I’d had this problem with her. Once or twice I will point it out to a person, let them know I don’t appreciate being treated that way, and then if they still can’t accept me as I am, I cut ties with them and move on. 

It’s ok not to like fish like I do, but must I be bashed and insulted for my own tastes? Also, making fun of someone for their fears or problems isn’t the way to help them deal with it. While we had a lot of good chats and she’s a very interesting and intelligent lady, she also showed me a side of her that can be very insensitive and lacking in compassion. There are 7 billion people in the world. No need for me to put up with those who have to judge and criticize half the things I say and do, nor is there any need to put up with others who don’t meet our expectations when we can just move on without bothering to try to change them. Like trying to get a mystery lover into romance novels when there are enough mystery lovers in the world! 

So… yes, I will talk to her if she can contact me while letting me be who I am, and yes, I will be ok with it should she choose never to contact me again.

Slept late for my 49th birthday today and am glad I did. That way we can go to Denny’s for steak and eggs late enough for the brats to be tucked in for the night, but a little too early for the drunks. 

I finished my Dreams book and will have a lot of editing to catch up on throughout the night, plus I try to take a Dutch lesson each day. 

Tom and I worked out together. I’m so glad he found a form of exercise he really enjoys, but damn do I miss riding the bike around the park! It’s been too cold, too wet, or just not a good time for that lately, and of course I can’t work out alone for fear of any heart explosions. It will be a while before I feel comfortable doing that, depending on how long I can go without it beating really fast and hard. 

I was surprised, delighted, and frustrated over the fact that someone on my first Ask account bought me a little birthday gift. :) The frustrating part was that they chose to do it anonymously, so I am not only racking my brains trying to guess who it could be, but I am unable to thank them. I would guess, however, that if they cared enough to buy me the gift, then they must know me well enough that they might read this. If they do… thanks whoever you are! 

Later… 

Spent most of my birthday sleeping, relaxing, reading, writing, eating and working out. Life is good, even though I'd skip to age 50 if I could. The number 4 is a very unlucky number, and I certainly wouldn't want to get any younger with a husband 8.5 years older. 

Andy had me cracking up the other day. Right before he left I asked him for a piece of gum. He said he hated to say no to me, but was low and the gum was like his cigarettes. I told him no problem. Yesterday, though, he said he regretted saying no after all we’d spent on him. We didn’t spend that much, but I get where he’s coming from, even though I really shouldn’t be having gum with my sensitive teeth anyway. Where it really got funny was when he said, “On the train, I wouldn’t let myself have that piece as punishment since Gloria’s pool wasn’t available.” 

Back in my 20s when I was into celebrities like most young people tend to be, I had a huge crush on Gloria Estefan. In cold, snowy, boring, old, ugly Springfield, Massachusetts where I lived at the time, I would often imagine to him what it would be like to visit her lush mansion in sunny, warm Florida. Andy would joke about me being her servant and how she could make me swim laps in her glorious pool to punish me whenever I’d step out of line, haha. So that’s where Gloria’s pool came from. :) 

In last night’s dreams, I was at a restaurant with a few people. I don’t know who they were, but we were getting pissed that the waiter left our tray of food just sitting on the counter. I got up to let him have it just as he finally brought the tray to our table. Then a baby started screaming nearby and the mother smacked it. Literally. Only each time she smacked it, it would start screaming in a different language. 

Then I had a dream I saw Teri, a Facebook friend, only Teri wasn’t Teri in the dream. She had some weird name instead, but I don’t remember what it was.

I’m so wowed by all this rain! I slept most of the day and had I gotten up to find Romeo gone after the dream I had, I just might wonder if there really could be an afterlife after all. 

Tom’s looking forward to once again having 4 days off. Not sure how much fun we can have together, though, LOL. We’re kind of on opposite schedules right now, but he can adapt a lot easier than I can, so we’ll see. 

His BP medication makes him cough, even though it’s a low dose. I told him that if they raised the dose he’d sound like a smoker and he said that if he keeps working out consistently he shouldn’t need them much longer. That’d be great. I’m all for choosing the natural way over drugs anytime that’s possible. If giving up eggs meant never needing statins again, so be it, but my cholesterol isn’t high because of what I eat. It’s high because of hypothyroidism. No wonder my old doc didn’t take the time to stress low-cholesterol menus with me until I came to learn and understand more about this shit. 

Romeo can be affectionate, but for the most part, he’s not nearly as friendly and as into cuddling as Sugar is. In the dream, though, I opened the cage door and sat down on the floor a few feet in front of it with a piece of bread in my hand. One of the rats climbed up to the top of the cage, but Romeo hobbled out and headed toward me. Instead of taking the food, all he wanted to do was cuddle. It was like he was saying goodbye or something, but he was still alive even though he was withering away to nothing really fast. 

Yesterday I dreamed they were collecting the trash. Only instead of the big garbage truck, the park was collecting it on these little trailers. Realizing I was late to put ours out, I started running up the hill with this big old garbage bin in tow. Someone on a trailer saw me and drove down to fetch both the trash and me. The male driver turned into a female driver who kept telling me that in order to climb up onto the trailer bed I had to first step up onto a white sneaker that was lying on its side.

Another rainy, quiet day, though I saw a service truck of some kind parked in front of next door and thought I heard scattered hammering earlier. 

Gonna work out with Tom when he gets in. He does the Wii and I do the treadmill. Indoor working out is so boring compared to outdoor working out, but this isn’t the ideal weather for going outside. 

Been less dizzy the last couple of days and I’m so glad about that! Those dizzy spells were really getting old. Hopefully, the meds will keep on helping without the anxiety and upset stomach. 

Tonight I’ll be reorganizing my “Dreams” book. I want to organize them by dates. Thought of rejoining Tumblr for the hell of it, but I don’t know if I will or not.

The test results are in and my cholesterol is off the charts at “cardiac risk,” and my TSH is 32.24. This means (for any newcomers tuning in) that my thyroid is severely underactive. It’s not totally dead but it’s close enough. No wonder I’ve been back to gaining half a pound a day despite working out and watching what I eat. Still not watching how much I eat, though, and that’s super important as I said in my last entry. That will have to be part of my New Year’s resolution, I guess. 

These numbers are pretty much where I was when I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I just worry and wonder how they’re going to get me normal without it damn near killing me like last time. Levothyroxine and anxiety/tachycardia don’t seem to mix well. My resting pulse is naturally high when off medication, so to be given a medication that speeds that up is kinda scary. It’s a little racy right now, but that’s mostly because I’m alone and because of the results. Not a good time to work out! 

I had thought eating foods low in cholesterol would help, but as one of my PB buddies pointed out, the cholesterol that rises when you have hypothyroidism is what your body produces and not dietary. It’s mostly my triglycerides that are high.

They called Tom’s phone and he explained to them that I only started the meds on the 27th when he could be home with me a little more, and so I will have to return to the vampire after January 15th. Then he was given a number to give to me for an endocrinologist. I requested Dr. O, as was recommended to me, and will see her on January 19th. 

I'm just glad they didn't hit me with some new disease showing up in my blood like diabetes or something. I know skinny people can get that, but I think that's mostly an obese thing and I'm not only just a little overweight (per ex-sexy doc's words), I'm also pretty active. Well, when my heart will let me be without making me feel like it's going to jump outa my chest. 

Because I only just started the 25 mcg on the 27th, I have to go in for more blood work after Jan. 15th. Since the 50's dropped me to 12, I'm guessing the 25's will drop me to 22-23. 

I figured I was due for some noise from next door. Was it the saw? Nope. The hammer? Nope. It was just their latest home improvement project; new windows. Tree-cutting, new ovens, carpet cleaning, new windows… what’s next? I’m just glad I slept in today cuz the window upgrading probably began fairly early. 

In the first of this month’s dreams, I was living or working at someplace with several other people. One person had on this really nice perfume and I said something like, “Someone smells sexy today.” 

Some people, including myself, were going to the store and someone asked those who weren’t going if they needed anything. A woman who might’ve been Nancy from Phoenix said she wanted to get some kind of sleeping pill that had a long and funny name. When I was at the store I was looking for it to try for myself, but all I could find were rows and rows of candy bars with some bananas sort of hidden behind them.

All I remember for dreams last night was a dark brown rat that resembled a younger, healthier Romeo resting on the carpet by the wall. I said something to Tom like, “Aw, isn’t that so cute?” 

One of my parents (dad?) may’ve been in my dreams too, but I don’t remember any details. 

It’s still cold and rainy, and the levothyroxine is already thinning my hair out. Might stop dying it for a while because the dye adds to the thinning. Being old and gray is one thing, but old and gray and bald? Well, I may not care what others think, but I sure am selfish enough to care what I think. 

Would I be ok if I stayed the same weight forever? Absolutely. But after thinking about it for a few months I decided a change, for variety’s sake, wouldn’t hurt and am seriously considering doing Nutrisystem next year. No matter how many times you try to explain to people that how much you eat is just as important – if not more important – than what you eat and how much you exercise, they don’t get it. They just don’t get it, even though cutting off those extra calories can be extremely difficult. It leaves you tired and hungry as hell, but is usually the only way to lose the total desired amount of weight, especially us older folks. Nonetheless, Tom and I get it. We’re active, we eat healthy most days, but we both eat way too much. It’s going to be hard to stick to day after day, week after week, month after month, but the food is great and provides great variety for those of us who aren’t great cooks. 

In my younger days I could lose on 1400-1500 calories, but these days I gotta drop it to 1000-1200 given my height, age and gender. But that’s only IF I decide to go for it. I’ve got a month to think about it. Like I said, keeping the extra 20-30 pounds won’t kill me either, and smaller amounts are actually harder to lose. The more you have to lose the easier it usually is in the beginning till you get down to those last 20-30 pounds or so. 

So do I or don’t I? And will my bum thyroid even let me succeed? Well, should I fail to succeed the money at least won’t be wasted because the food is still going to get eaten either way. 

I was cracking up at Tom earlier who said, “If I did Nutrisystem for a month I’d be out of food in just two weeks because of how small the portions are.” LOL, but it works if you can stand to stick it out and your hypothyroidism doesn’t get in the way!

We now know what happened to our Romeo ratty. I thought he was dying when I first saw him struggling to move since he is old. Then I thought he had a stroke, but came to have my doubts because his motor skills worked just fine even though he seemed to have lost the use of his back legs. It’s actually only one back foot that he lost. I don’t know how the hell this happened, but the other day (until recently I was afraid to get too close to him or move him in case he was in pain although he didn’t appear to be), his foot looked almost like it was shriveled up and as if his toes were rotted away. I know it sounds gross. I guess he somehow injured it, and animals then instinctively chew away the dead or rotted areas to keep from getting infections or gang green. Totally gross, I know, but I’m just sorry he suffered at least initially and I never even knew it. 

Slept in most of the morning. It’s been rainy and quiet. We decided not to paint the bathrooms today. We’re not only not in the mood, but it’s better to have bright sunlight for that sort of thing. Instead, we worked out and my heart responded normally. Still don’t know for sure what makes it boom so fiercely at times. I guess it’s either the thyroid or anxiety because no one who’s listened to my heart lately has heard anything wrong with it. I will just stick to working out with Tom for a while. 

Had tons of dreams but only remember a few. I’ll write them down later on. 

Got two voice messages from my sister and a text from Andy. Andy said the router’s fucked up and Linda doesn’t have a desktop. Then he and his nieces went to a café with Internet access and he checked in on Ask. 

Tammy's shopping around for a new car but being very picky and selective about it, which is a good thing. She’s still sore but recovering, and also asked if I knew what happened to Natalie and Al from the beach. They were another couple that used to be friends with my parents and owned a cottage right by ours. Andy said Al died in 2008. Also, some guy named Charlie is in our old cottage now and I guess he isn’t very nice. 

Later… 

So I was reading this article on why Maui living is cheaper than you think and a lot of it makes sense. There are things you wouldn’t think of, like how you go, “OMG, gas is so expensive there!” But how far do you actually drive in Maui? 

I think it would depend on what we would personally have to give up, as anyone would have to think about when considering that kind of a move. I still highly doubt it will happen, but yes, I would take an old dumpy place there if it was on the beach and there weren’t other houses an arm’s reach away. Otherwise, I would insist on a senior area. It’s definitely cheaper to rent too, instead of owning. Might not be many places for bike riding there, and I would want to know if dogs were treated as pets there. If they’re not pets, then what’s the point of renting some cute little affordable cottage on the beach if Fido’s going off round the clock to the left, and Spot’s doing the same thing to the right? Dogs must be pets there and pets only and not outdoor decorations, senior area or not! Wonder if they’re considered pets in Florida? They do have to be brought in as pets only where my sister is. They’ll really get on you if you leave them outside or let them run around loose on no leash, so she’s said. 

Still getting dizzy and sluggish at times, but anything’s better than a booming heart. 

It just occurred to me that I have never ever seen the lady across from our carport. Tom’s seen her once or twice, which is how we know there’s just a single woman over there. I’ve looked into her carport and seen her red SUV absent here and there, but I’ve never actually seen her. She doesn’t have much company or take off very often, but she has more company than next door. 

Two nights or so ago, I had a dream I was in the middle of some kind of group meeting or class. The woman heading it asked me what my weight was and I said, “Oh, about 105-110,” which was weird. I would never lie about my weight or my age or things like that. I tell it like it is without caring what others think. 

Then I had a dream my mother was alive and called to tell me about a couple who died, but I had no idea who the people were she was talking about. 

In last night’s dreams, I was either visiting or living in Florida and I was telling my sister about the Nutrisystem program I was joining. In reality, I am considering signing up next year and losing 20-30 pounds or so if I can get my body to do it. For the last several years I’ve only cared about being fit but haven’t done anything to actually lose weight. Maybe now it’s time, for variety’s sake, to shed a little blubber. I have another month or so to think about it. Even if I couldn’t stand to do it for very long or if my thyroid prevented me from succeeding, and it very well might, the food would still be eaten and so the money wouldn’t be wasted. Health, happiness, and fitness are still more important to me than numbers on a scale, but the food was delish and it couldn’t hurt to try it for a month. 

In another dream, Tom and I were moving all over again from our Phoenix house like we did in 1999. Only difference was that it had two floors in the dream. Tom was kind of sad, saying that the house held good memories, like how it was where we got married. Not literally where we got married, which was really in Vegas, but it was the house we lived in at the time. I pointed out that the house had shitty memories too, like what the welfare bums next door put us through.

In the last dream, I remember, we had a female and a male rat. We came home one night after being out somewhere and saw baby ratties present. We were baffled since the female and the male lived in separate cages. The female rat, which I picked up, was solid black. I inspected her for signs of having just had a litter, but she was pretty thin. So in the end we decided that someone broke in while we were out and deposited the babies in both cages, LOL.

Survived the first day back on the levothyroxine and have taken my second dose this morning. 

After I got up this morning we went to the lab. The girl who attempted to draw blood first had no luck. I don’t know if she missed the vein or what, but she had some guy come and do it and he had no problem. I don’t have any bruising or anything, but of course my heart started pounding for a minute there. I hate the tourniquet more than the needle, and the longer it takes them to find my miniature little veins, the longer it’s on. Tom remembered how they used a pediatric anesthesiologist when I had ear surgery in the '90s due to my tiny veins, but I don’t remember that. I take his word for it, though! I just remember I wet the bed since my 1-hour operation turned into a 5-hour operation, haha. 

I just hope my cholesterol levels are down since I started eating smarter. I really don’t want to go back on statins. 

Tom put the gear wheel on my bike yesterday. It will take some getting used to because you have to pedal more to go the same distance. Later on, we’re going out bike riding and hopefully, my heart will behave. My heart was racing a couple of days ago and I realized that if I had been on the bike or treadmill, or got on it at that time, that that would mean being in for quite a beat fest. 

Tom’s been having fun with his new toy – his 3D printer. I’m going to have him print a box for the rats to burrow in. Hoodie’s being an asshole. He’s not only taking food up to the higher levels of the cage knowing the others are too disabled to climb, but he jumps on their paper boxes and crushes them. The young fit furry bastard couldn’t care less about his roommates, LOL. 

Later... 

I saw that Duolingo added Dutch to their list of language courses and decided to jump in and start learning. Since I already know quite a bit of German, it shouldn’t be too hard because it’s so closely related to that language. Probably just as ugly, but learning languages is what I do. Wish I could get myself to focus on just my Spanish since multiple languages tend to “fuse” together and want to compete with each other within the brain, but I’ve now lost count of how many languages I’ve studied. I’m not fluent in most of them, but I know enough to get by. 

I’ve been horribly tired the last couple of days and I don’t get why. I didn’t have fatigue before going on the thyroid pills and now I do? WTF? Not sure what’s causing it, but hopefully I’ll feel perkier tomorrow so I can do more things. I’ve been so lazy today. We’re all entitled to a lazy day here and there, and it felt good to relax when I wasn’t doing laundry or out bike riding, getting blood drawn, or doing some grocery shopping, but I want my energy back! 

I shut the door because Tom is 3D printing now and the thing not only kinda stinks, but it makes this sick, alien sound that’s almost creepy. 

We rode the bikes over a mile and I can definitely say that the gear wheel makes a huge difference. You still get a good workout, though, and don’t feel like you’re “cheating.” My heart got a little boom-happy on the way up the “rollercoaster” as I call the highest point in the park, but coasting down it, I got to relax and let it simmer down. 

No more going out alone, though. I’m not even going to exercise alone in the house. He has to be here and awake, but he’s more than ok with that because he wants to join me on my workouts anyway. Tomorrow we’ll work out together again but do different things. He’ll do the Wii and I’ll do my strength training and then run it off on the treadmill a bit. I’m glad he doesn’t mind the motivation and the company because I do NOT feel comfortable working out alone. Not until I can go a while without any anxiety attacks overworking my already elevated heart. 

I haven’t felt anxious in a while now. I’m hoping that the longer I can be on the meds without incident and get comfortable with my new doctors, the more it’ll ease my anxiety. 

Later… 

Today ended up being a good mix of productivity and laziness between the two of us. We went to a dollar store after the lab, but most of what they had was total crap, though I did get a blue-patterned hair barrette and some cranberry-cherry body mist. Tons of Christmas decorations too, and I still don’t understand why I’m seeing this shit in November. Seriously, it’s not even December yet, but as soon as we headed next door to do the grocery shopping we had to listen to nothing but Christmas songs the whole time. Thank goodness I don’t work there. That’d drive me crazy to have to listen to that for two months straight! The day after New Year’s and out will come the Valentine’s Day shit. The day after that, out comes the Easter shit. If Christmas were the only holiday, would we start seeing decorations and singing Christmas carols in January? 

I have more to bitch about but I’m getting a bit tired. Oh well, let me bitch about my toe first. The ingrown toenail has definitely grown back and now I’m pissed that my old doc, sexy or not, didn’t do it right the first time around. Instead of “seeing if this would do the trick” and then promising to “really get it good” if it grew back, couldn’t she have done it right the first time so that I wouldn’t waste money and eventually have to deal with this shit all over again?

I started to wonder if something might’ve happened to Andy along the way, but he “liked” one of my Facebook posts, so I know he’s alive and well. Hopefully, he’s enjoying his vacation. 

Between Tom and I, and as Tom pointed out, we wonder if maybe he felt a little jealous seeing all we have which is WAY more than he’ll ever have, and if that got him a bit depressed. 

I’m back on the levothyroxine and hoping for the best. 

Tom printed a 3D swan yesterday. It’s blue. I’ll add some pink glitter polish to it and give it some sparkle later on. 

Took a nap yesterday and it was so nice to just be able to feel tired and allow myself to nap without having to worry about schedules or anything like that. It was also nice to let my body sleep as long as it needed to today. No pushing myself to stay up. No pushing myself to be up at certain times. 

Did a light 15-minute workout when Tom got home. Won NaNoWriMo too, and am now doing the editing. 

Tammy is recovering from her car accident and the girls are excited about getting an apartment in the area. She and Mark got them new beds. 

I learned from Andy that Charlotte’s Alzheimer’s disease has advanced and she’s now in a nursing home. His mother went to see her, but Charlotte only remembers her from when they were younger. “I didn’t know they were friends,” I said to Andy, but Andy said they’re not. Then why did she go see her? I asked, and others asked the same thing. I guess Judy kinda misses what they once had together before my mother and some of her fellow phonies in their little “high school clique” came and messed things up. My parents – especially my mother – really made life hell for some people. The way my parents pit people against others, including their own kids, was appalling in every sense of the word. As a 10-year-old kid, I didn’t get it, but as an adult looking back, I am ashamed and disgusted by the immaturity, the competition, and the needless backstabbing that went on during those summer getaways at the beach. 

Later… 

Anyway, it’s official! The Maui dream is on! Although this dream has a 0.1% chance of becoming a reality, I would love to be able to retire in Maui one day depending on how the money goes between now and retirement. That and other things. I still love the idea of moving to Florida and would gladly take that over staying in Cali for the rest of our lives, but why go for the silver if we can have the gold? And Maui WAS gold! 

As soon as I stepped off the plane I knew it was my special little spot in the universe. It was this magical sense of perfection and belonging that I felt every single day. The weather was perfect, there was an abundance of color everywhere, and the areas we swam in had waves big enough to keep things lively, but not so big they drowned you. There were no bustling freeways and the atmosphere was so laid back. No one was in a hurry and crime barely existed. 

The only negative was money. Not everyone there was rich, mind you, as the Walmart employees would be sure to confirm, but those are the ones that live in nothing little apartments. 

Again, unlike my dream of escaping New England, and then my Cali dream which went dormant when I made it to Arizona until the first Oregon snowflake rekindled it, I highly doubt this one’s achievable. Florida should be doable, but not Maui. Still, I won’t let go of it till he retires and we see how things are at that time. All my past dreams were either realized or faded with time for a number of different reasons. This one probably won’t fade, but it’s ok if it doesn’t get realized as much as I’d like it to since there is still Florida and I definitely want to live in a tropical climate someday, the one climate I have yet to live in. Florida’s climate fluctuates a bit more than Maui's, but it sure is cheaper. 

I felt like I found my ideal place on earth when I first moved to Arizona, but that was different. Anyone moving to a warm climate for the first time in their life would no doubt feel like they’d found their perfect home. But after living in and visiting different parts of the country, as well as other countries, I can truly say that Maui is it. If there’s any place better than that, then I don’t know about it right now. 

For now, even though California has its faults, and even though the winters are a bit chillier than I’d like, I’m going to enjoy the wonderful things I have here that I never thought we’d live to have. I have a big beautiful house in a middle to upper-class neighborhood filled with all kinds of fun/valuable things that many can only dream of. Most importantly I have true love at my side and am relatively healthy and fit. Got a thyroid that likes to be underactive and a heart that likes to be overactive, but nothing’s killed me yet.

I would love to go work out now, but not after yesterday proved I can still get these strange random booming heartbeats no matter what type of exercise I do. Maybe I’ll do a light workout when Tom gets in. After I go to the lab, probably on Friday, I will mention it in more detail to my new doctor and see if she can shed some light on why this is happening. 

I’m surprised I still haven’t gotten any texts or messages from Andy. I hope that means he’s busy having a blast! I’ll finish up with Andy's visit before the workers arrive across the street and disrupt the peace. 

So we picked him up at the train station, went to eat, went walking around the park, then we came back and chatted. He had many questions for Tom regarding his new Kindle HD, which he mostly uses to post pics in one of his 3 gay groups on Facebook. 

I was mistaken in thinking he’d come from his friend Juliet’s place. He actually came from Linda’s. Linda and his mother live in Alameda, and Marla lives in Hayward. He’ll still be seeing Juliet and will be in Cali till the first, and then he will be seeing his brothers in Florida in January. So, two vacations this winter for him. 

I was a bit surprised to hear him say that he was thinking of moving to the Bay area because he’d have more business opportunities there. It’s just that he’s sworn his condo would be his permanent home. Oh well. Things change. People change. It’s got to be up to him, and as I told him, be sure he thinks it through because he may never have the opportunity to own a place ever again. He understands this, though, and knows there are pros and cons to both renting and owning. He could get around 40k for his place and stay with Linda till he built up enough business. 

I crashed at around 9pm and they crashed an hour or two after that. 

Andy and I got up at 5am, and Tom got up a half-hour later. I could’ve slept longer, but I figured Andy would be up, and even though I knew he’d be just fine by himself for an hour or two, I wanted to get up anyway. 

Andy insisted that although he’s harmless, the ghost of the guy who last lived here was roaming the living room all night long and that he saw a flash of light in the kitchen or something like that. I don’t doubt that he can sense ghosts, but Tom and I both think it’s more likely a case of him just being in a new place and hearing things he’s not used to hearing. Maybe a touch of paranoia too, LOL. 

So we each did our thing online for a while, showered and then went to Denny’s. I wanted to try their peanut butter and hot fudge pancakes for the first time, and damn were they good! 

After Denny’s, we came home and chatted till it was time to take him to the train station. We laughed over old pranks we pulled and remembered our frustrating moments in gay bars. In my case, I got a lot of rejection for being both short and feminine. I was once an exotic dancer, just to give you an idea of how feminine I was/am. But I wasn’t about to throw away my heels, skirts and makeup and then run and cut my hair off just to please anyone. Most of them weren’t what I wanted anyway, not just because many of them had problems be it with drugs, alcohol or just life, but because I rarely go for that boyish or butchy look. If I did, couldn’t I have just gotten a man? But we did have our fun moments, especially doing karaoke, which I sometimes won. Yes, I was a singer and dancer before I turned into a writer. I’ve always liked to write; I just hadn’t made it my main focus till I met and married Tom. He’s the one that got me hooked on computers. This was back in the spring of 1993. 

Anyway, I spent the remainder of yesterday depressed, curious and frustrated over the latest exercise-induced heart boomer, so Tammy's call really cheered me up. I appreciated her words of kindness and encouragement. I really miss the days when I could simply work out and not have these issues. Never before last July did my heart do this shit when exercising. I’ve gotten cramps. I’ve gotten dizzy. But I’ve never felt like my heart would explode. 

Then Tom came home after that and I felt even better. He assures me I’ll get sick of him during his 4 days off. At this point, I can’t imagine that anymore. Sadly, I don’t like all this alone time that I used to just love. I used to love it cuz I think so much better when I’m alone and can accomplish a lot more this way. But if being alone means I’m more anxious, I’d rather not be alone so much. It’s bound to be this way for years, though, so I gotta just deal with it. 

In last night’s dreams, I dreamed Tom and I decided we’d go to a different country every two years. 

Then I walked into a restaurant of some kind to find my Italian mom alive and well. She was sitting in a booth with another woman. I went up to her, wanting to sit beside her, hug her, and see her for a few minutes, but found a small dog curled up on the seat next to her.

I have so much to write about, but if I don’t focus on my NaNoWriMo story I’m going to lose. In this entry, I’ll just say that Andy and I had a great visit, but will cover the details in another entry. For this one, I’ll just cover everything else. Then I must eat, work out, and tackle my story. I’ve still got over 7,000 words to go. 

First, my take on Ferguson, and just to warn you up front – I know the vast majority of you aren’t going to like what I say. Like probably 99.9% of you won’t like it, but you know what? Tough shit. Plain and simple. It’s my journal, no one’s being forced to read it, and I’m not about to choke back my thoughts, opinions and beliefs simply because they’re not in the “norm” and some people can’t handle it. Don’t like it… don’t read it… don’t comment… don’t come back. :) 

I was thinking last night that if the cop isn’t indicted, the blacks will riot. If he is, they will simply find something else to riot over. It seems that to them, racism exists where it does and also exists where it doesn’t. Unlike those who beat Rodney King, this clearly wasn’t about race. I truly believe without a doubt that the officer involved in this particular case believed his life was on the line. But with the black folks, it doesn’t seem to matter. And of course if it were a white person that got shot (as they do more than blacks since there are more white people in the US), it never makes the news because no one cares. Nonetheless, this case clearly wasn’t about race or else there’d be more than just one incident involving this cop, just like rapists never have just one victim. 

It saddens me that after all these years since slavery ended and blacks have been given beyond equal rights as they’re usually exempt from being charged with hate crimes and allowed to have things like black pageants and whatnot without being called racists, so many of them harbor so much hate and anger that they will resort to such violence when they don’t get what they want like a spoiled child often resorts to temper tantrums. Well, violence isn’t the way to accomplish things, and if you want those few people left out there who look down on you to like you, this isn’t the way to do it. People aren’t going to like you if you start crying racism over EVERYTHING and then go apeshit when you don’t get your way. But 95% or more of the population DOES like you and they DO accept you. If I were black I’d be appreciative of the extra rights, privileges and opportunities available to me these days and stop pitching a fit when things don’t go my way and I’d also stop taking advantage of the things I’ve been given in life. Yet some people remain unappreciated and unappeasable no matter how much you give them. Before you insist that black people’s lives matter too, remember that so do white people’s lives. This means that before you cry racism where you know it damn well doesn’t exist just because so and so pissed you off, remember that YOU TOO are hurting innocent lives when you do that. Two wrongs never make a right. 

That being said, I’m both surprised and not surprised at the verdict. I thought they would indict the cop to prevent a riot as they did by letting OJ and Michael Jackson off the hook, both of whom I believe were totally guilty as charged. On the other hand, cops do have extra protection and they do get away with shit all the time. However, in this case, I see nothing to suggest he shot the kid simply because of his color. 

In some ways, I’m just as disgusted with whites as I am with blacks because they’re protesting, rioting and looting right along with them on their behalf. It’s sad to see them lower themselves to their level like that, but I guess both blacks and whites alike believe that blacks should be able to commit crimes and get away with it these days simply because of their color. 

In other news, we moved the rats into the smaller cage now that two of them are disabled, and the 3D printer has arrived. It’s pretty neat, though it stinks when the plastic is melted. Maybe I’ll sculpt models of figurines, paint and sell them, but somehow I doubt there’d be much money in that. Tom’s bound to have more use for the thing than I will. 

Later… 

A few hours ago I had yet another workout scare. I worked my arms and abs for about 12 minutes. Then I jumped on the treadmill planning to stay there till I’d worked out a total of 30 minutes like the doctor suggested. When I had 10 minutes left, I had to stop and use the bathroom. As I parked my ass on the toilet I realized my heart was booming way too hard and fast for a lousy 3 MPH walk, which would mean that getting the gear wheel might be a waste of money. 

After I was done on the toilet I tried to tell myself to calm down, but that was easier said than done. What does your heart do when you are suddenly scared? It races. So it’s like a form of artificial fear. I called Tom and we talked for 5 minutes. This helped calm me down. I had been sitting on the couch. Once I thought I’d be ok, I got up and sat at my desk. Then I got up again to fold the laundry, but felt my heart starting to elevate again so this time I called him from bed and we spoke for about 2 minutes. He assured me nothing was wrong, it was just anxiety, and that my heart was beating as fast as it needed to. But WHY has it “needed” to be like this on and off since last summer??? 

So I took a chill pill at 10ish and 20 minutes later it finally started slowing down. I didn’t get up, though. I continued to lie there. The scary thing was when it started ramping itself back up again. So again I called Tom for a couple of minutes and have been mostly ok ever since. It still frustrates the hell out of me. I just don’t understand what could be causing this. Yes, I’m still nervous about going back on the levothyroxine but if anything I should feel less anxious today because the schedule stress is off and all that. Not having to try to force myself to stay up or fall asleep takes a lot of stress off of me.

The other day Tom said that these attacks may’ve still started up when they did even if I’d never been on any medication at all. Well, if there isn’t any connection to the levothyroxine, as hard as that still may be to believe, the timing sucks. I really thought it was ALL the levothyroxine, but now it’s more than obvious that that can’t be the case. 

When I go back on the levothyroxine, how the hell am I going to know what’s me and what’s the medication when my heart does freak out, though? Levothyroxine does elevate the heart. 

I’ll never again work out when I’m home alone. Never. If this shit – regardless of what’s causing it – hasn’t stopped by now, there’s a good chance it never will. I’d rather the lump-in-my-throat feeling any day over the racing pulse. 

An unmarked black pickup came to work on the house across from my new little office yesterday, and just as I knew they would be, they’re back today. They seem to be doing something underneath the house. It fucking figures, though. It totally fucking figures that as soon as I get settled in here, there is more distracting activity over there. A rainstorm video drowns most of whatever they’re doing, but I can hear banging every now and then. I still can’t believe how much noise and activity can occur in a retirement community. We can’t even go a month without someone having something worked on around here. 

Ok, maybe NEXT time my entry will be about Andy's visit. 

Later… 

After thinking and thinking about it, I don’t see how to avoid these random post-workout heart-pounders other than by just quitting working out. I hate the idea of not working out. I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want to lose muscle. But I just don’t know what else I can do. I may get a racy heart in other ways, but most of the time it’s been extreme was when I’d be working out. If a brisk walk that almost anyone can do who isn’t obese or in shit shape is going to make my heart boom so fiercely, how can I expect a gear wheel added to my bike to help me? No matter what type of exercise I do, every few times or so my heart’s going to beat like OMG. 

If it’s all about anxiety like everyone thinks it is, which makes sense to me at this point, since I’m not currently on meds and those who have listened to my heart didn’t hear anything scary, then this is obviously the new me. I’ve been this way since July. Why would things change now? Now I have to adapt to it and learn to work around it and how to avoid attacks whenever possible. One way is to stop working out. If an attack hits you when you’re just sitting there, that sucks, but when it hits you when you’re heart is already elevated from a workout, you feel like it’s going to explode. 

What alternative do I have? To get drunk before each workout? Take a chill pill first? 

Welcome to the new me, ladies and gentlemen! 

Later… 

Most of the details of Andy's visit won’t be shared because he told me a lot of private stuff that I know he’d want to be kept confidential. I also wouldn’t want him to feel offended when I say something like how awful he looked. It was great to see him, but he’s way huge in the gut and ass and is in unbelievably horrible shape. So much so that we had to walk real slow and he had to stop and rest after barely half a mile. Too much time on Facebook, no doubt. Even Tom could walk 20 miles if he had to and he’s obese, too. 

Of course we had to hear all about blacks, immigration, God, and celebrities, too. He yacked non-stop it was very hard to get a word in edgewise, and again I wondered about his memory issues and what else may be wrong with him that even he might not know about. He seemed very shaky at times too, and super paranoid. I almost wondered if he was still getting high here and there, but I didn’t smell anything on him and I would think he would have told me if he’d relapsed. 

He became a bit of a rambler back in Phoenix, but he just went on and on and on with these “wild stories” we don’t give a shit about. It took us forever to get him out of the restaurant after we were all done eating. Tom was patient and understanding, though, pointing out that I have so much more in life than he does and so these things may bore us but they’re exciting as hell to him. 

He’s made an astounding 50k in can collecting since he started in 2010, more than what he makes cleaning. His paranoia kicked in when he said he was worried the government was trying to get information from him on his income in the form of paid surveys. He even worried the MA food stamp people would try to find out information from me! 

Most of his stories were around his gay bar visits back in the old days, and of getting free concert tickets and backstage passes to meet Stevie. 

So after we got back from that shitty country restaurant, we walked around the circle and in back someone was using a circular saw like Bob’s. We heard not one, but TWO saws along the way, and even Andy agreed that’s totally obnoxious and shouldn’t be used unless it’s necessary. If they can designate space by the clubhouse for gardens, I say, then they can do the same for woodworking projects. 

The people working across the street did a little sawing too, along with the hammering and they just left. Let me guess… they’ll be back tomorrow too, right? 

So we rested on a bench by the clubhouse and then proceeded to cut through to the lake, but we forgot which side street led us there. We would have circled around and back up to the house, but Andy was tired, so we backtracked after we finally found the right street to the lake, which he loved and thought was very beautiful. 

“I see hope,” was the funniest thing he said to me when we rounded the corner and I pointed to our house just up ahead. I just wish I didn’t have major gas from the shitty food I ate and period cramps on top of it. My throat was sore, too. Did I really talk more than usual, or could that have had something to do with my thyroid? 

He didn’t eat most of the food we got because my schedule was such that we could go out to eat for both dinner and breakfast, and he wouldn’t have been there long enough to eat it all anyway. We’ll finish the rest of it off. 

I’ll also finish the rest of the visit later. I’m really beat after today’s workout scare.

Just a quick update. When Andy exited the train yesterday afternoon and we hugged fiercely for the first time in 15 years, it was wonderful! Then he cracked me up by saying I wasn’t fat. I fooled him, I guess, cuz I look bigger in my pictures, as most of us seem to do. I could still stand to lose a few but I keep pretty fit for my age. I try to, anyway. 

We went straight to a family-owned restaurant really close to our house and none of us were impressed with it at all, especially Tom and I. I got a T-bone and eggs with country potatoes. It was not only WAY too much food, but the steak was tough and they peppered everything. Tom got a burger and fries and Andy got a turkey club sandwich. 

For breakfast this morning we’ll be off to Denny’s after everyone’s showered.