I have been crying on and off since the loss of my sweet beloved Little Buddy. I know it’ll get easier with time. For now, though, I see him everywhere; in his cage, in the kitchen, on his video stack perch. I know I’ll cherish every memory I have of him from when he was alive. Everything from the way he’d wag his tail with joy, return my kisses, and run through the house, to the day I walked into the pet store and made that very lucky pick when I chose him and his brother out of the 4 rats that were there that day. Of all the rats I ever had, his loss is the greatest. There will never be another rat like Little Buddy, that’s for sure. But I can love others, if not quite as much. I just hope Little Buddy’s happy wherever he is, with lots of ice cream!

Tears blur the monitor as I write this. I am still so very, very sad. Again, I feel like I got cheated time-wise, yet two years is the average lifespan of rats which was about what he was. Even if he lived for 10 years, I’m sure I’d still feel cheated for time.

I had gotten up around midnight. He was alive but weak. I patted his nose real quick, then found him dead at 4:00. If only I’d picked him up just one more time!

I asked Tom if he thought it was a coincidence that he died just hours after I got up like he was trying to hang on to say goodbye, and he doesn’t think so. We both agree he waited for me.

We buried Little Buddy next to Ratsy, Scuttles and Houdini around 8:00, then took off to deal with the freeloaders.

As expected, Scot hasn’t heard a word from the courts. He said, “I know you don’t see the victim as a victim, but this has only been a felony for 5 years now, this stalking thing, and with a victim like this, they’re not going to just let it go.”

A “victim like this” really means “a victim who’s black,” of course, as I said to Tom afterward, and although he knows this is all about her being black and me being Jewish, he doesn’t think that’s what Scot meant when he said that. Either way, it’s about the sick bitch having the wrong friends and it’s about the courts feeling the need to kiss up to “minorities.” First they had no rights, now they have all the rights. What about equal rights? Is there such a thing anywhere on this earth?

Besides, nothing I did or was accused of doing was stalking. Stalking is when you follow someone.

“Yeah, but they consider monitoring one’s activities as stalking, even though I agree with you that it isn’t right.”

“But we couldn’t help but monitor their activities. The courts obviously need to live a few feet away from these animals and see for themselves how they won’t be able to help but notice their every move. They made their every move our business! They made damn sure we knew about it, and personally, I didn’t want to know. I wanted to ignore them, but they wouldn’t let us.”

Then Scot said that while cases like mine may not make the news, it’s considered high profile.

Not make the news?! Obviously, the dude doesn’t read the papers or watch TV. I’m surprised I didn’t make the international news or that a made-for-TV movie wasn’t made! Meanwhile, never do the Hopes of this world make even a tiny paragraph in the back of the paper, much less get mentioned on TV. On the other hand, would it matter if they did? All they’d do is just lie or hype things up.

Anyway, I’m not the least bit surprised. I knew that God, the courts - no one - would give a damn. I figured as much before I even left jail. Once I saw that they were going to leave me in jail for the whole 6 months, I knew they’d keep me on probation for the whole 2½ years as asinine as it is. I’m all for anti-stalking laws. I mean, I have no problem with it, it’s just that I think real stalkers should be charged with stalking and that the sentences should fit the crimes if there ever really was one committed in the first place.

Meanwhile, it’s possible Scot may stop by this month, but I’d say he’ll definitely be here during the first week of January if he doesn’t.

Someday. Someday I’ll get on with my life, then God can use someone else to torture me. I only hope they’ll be white this time around. Just what did I do to get on God’s bad side? Makes me wonder if he’ll eventually reach down his own hand and strangle me with it! To allow most of the things that have happened to me…that takes hate. Major hate. He wants me to suffer and that’s scary.

To change the subject from my earthly and unearthly enemies, we went to Casa Grande after leaving Scot. We thought the pet store would be open at 9:00, but they weren’t open till 10:00, so we killed time at a couple of stores. We went to an office supply store where I got white cardstock, white letter paper, then a rainbow pack. Each of its 10 colors has 20 sheets. There’s pink, yellow, red, green, orange, lime green, fuchsia, sun yellow, purple and blue.

We browsed through a dollar store which was just so-so, though I did get a couple of things. I got vanilla bubble bath and tiny rubberbands for dolls’ hair.

Because we’re going to be a little short on money till the next payday on the 15th, we decided to just get a couple of frogs, and of course, a new roommate for Little Fella. This rat caught my eye immediately for 3 reasons: He was calm, he was a he, and he had such cool markings. He was sprawled out on the food bowl and never even flinched when we approached the cage. He’s black and white. The top of him is mostly black, including his head which has a thin yet distinct white line that runs under his eye and across the top of his head. He’s really cool looking, and with his mellow disposition, I’ve been calling him Sweetie.

I’m sure Little Fella appreciates having someone he can play with who’s not too old, feeble and winded.

I’m still too out of it for much writing, so I’ll just close this entry by saying that one picture was downloaded from my albums, and to my utter shock, it was a picture of me! Who would download a picture of a total stranger, I wonder? It’s not like I’m a celebrity, even if this state tried to make me one for a while. I was amazed at how often the albums of myself were viewed as opposed to all the others. The others had anywhere from 4-27 viewings, yet the big one of me had over 300 and the smaller one had over 200! The picture was taken from the smaller album that consists of pictures taken of me when I was 26 and living at the Vista. I looked my best in my 20s, but I think all women feel that way. My prime was definitely from about 23-29.

Anyway, between all my albums, there were a total of 741 viewings.

Next time I write, I’ll have things to say about both Marys.

I’ll be falling asleep around the mid to late afternoon. I’ll probably kick the fan up higher too, in case those damn ATVs are buzzing about.