I had a damn good idea. At least an idea that I think is damn good. We’ll have to see what Tom thinks about it when he gets up. Well, I would prefer for Walmart to hire Tom, even if it means 1-3 years more in this going-nowhere town. But here’s what I think we should do if they don’t. He said he’d be eligible for unemployment in April which I assume would be for 6 months (we’ll have to check to be sure). So he quits MCX in April and begins collecting. We don’t pay April’s rent (by the time they can evict us our lease will be up). We use April’s rent and the unemployment to U-Haul us to Redding. There, we go back to playing motel/storage till we can rent a house and he can get a job (a job in which Oregon couldn’t garnish his paychecks for that last month owed cuz we’d be in California). This time we’ll be smart and rent a motel room by the month and not by the day/week. The last thing I want to do is go back to playing motel/storage, but if the end result is a city with jobs for him, stores for me, a warmer climate, and a state I’ve always wanted to live in, why not? I think this is a damn good idea if Walmart blows him off (I don’t like the fact that they told him not to call them). It would be easier if Walmart called him, hired him and then transferred us, but when do we ever get to do things the easy way? So I say we should go for it and get out of here if they blow him off. He said he doesn’t mind living in California, and I know I belong there. My experiences there may not always be nice any more than they were nice in Arizona, but I look at it this way - I said life wouldn’t be happening for me and that I wouldn’t really get ahead in New England and then I said that about Oregon a few months after we got here and I was right. I also said just the opposite about Arizona and I was right, despite the few nightmares mixed in with all the fun wild, wild west adventures I had. So, the point is, if I’m saying good things will happen in California, why would I be wrong? Being psychic is like being a singer. I can get rusty, but I can never not do it at all. I may not be as detailed as I was in Arizona, but when it comes to overall things, big things, important things, I think I can be counted on!

I just wish we could stop “drifting.” All I want in life is a secure job for him and a secure place to live. A job that doesn’t treat him unfairly and a home I can comfortably live in without the neighbors butting into our peace. All else after that would be a bonus, be it dolls, incense, etc.

I don’t have any vibes right now about Walmart, moving or getting my book published (which has been delayed due to Tom’s not feeling well), so I guess I’d have to go by logic and say “no” to all because they’re things we want. I don’t think Tom cares if we move, but I’m sure that just like me, he’d like to work at Walmart and see my book get published. I’d like for him to work at Walmart and for us to move more than I’d like to see my book published because there’d be no real gain to getting it published. However, there’s opportunity in Walmart, and our moving could be a blessing in the end. I don’t know how quiet even a house would be if we got the wrong neighbors, but I’d rather the wrong neighbors in a house than in a duplex. Maybe Bev’s fated to move in June and trouble’s due to move in then, but if we split in May, we’d be getting out of having to be attached to it.

Later…

Tom pointed out that my idea isn’t so great because if we didn’t pay the last month, we would be losing the $450 deposit.

Oh well. I tried.

Not surprisingly, Walmart hasn’t called. You know we cannot have anything we want, no matter how reasonable or off the wall, so why bother submitting the manuscript or moving? We’ll just stay right here in this duplex till and if we can ever own anything. We can forget about California too, as Tom was right when he pointed out that I’ve had worse experiences in other states. It may be too cold here, but in Oregon, I never had to go to jail or a funny farm, never had a cigarette/pill addiction, never had to deal with my family, never wanted a kid or to be a singer, never felt deprived sexually cuz I’m content/used to being Tom’s friend, never had a cold/flu, never had a killer asthma attack, and never puked. If my only troubles in Oregon are being cold, broke, and 25 pounds overweight, why not stay in Oregon? Since I’m so sick of moving, the only way to stop doing that is to stay where I don’t want to be. If I feel this strongly that we’re meant for a lifetime of heavy-duty struggling and not having what we want, I don’t see how I could be wrong. I think Tom would be a fool to give up his job. Why trade in one minimum wage job that doesn’t do raises or normal insurance for another? And for one that may not be as secure. At least this job is secure. He’s getting these shitty-paying jobs because they’re what’s meant to be, so why don’t we just struggle along in this duplex till the queen dies and hope she cared enough to leave him something?

There is another option and that’s that since he’s not likely to get higher pay in K-Falls, we could lower the rent. This would mean cramming ourselves into that $300 studio and really being where I don’t want to be, but I’m such an old pro at struggling and being where I don’t want to be that I can’t imagine life any other way. Sometimes you just gotta accept things the way they are. Especially when you can’t control or change them in any way. So we should just make the best of what’s meant to be. It will probably take some stress off of us if we just relax and resign to fate.

I knew we wouldn’t be back to rural living anytime soon because lost things often take years to get back if I can ever get them back in the first place.

I was setting up Haiku and her arm fell off, so she’ll have to be redone properly just like Chris. They really fucked up on her! PG dolls are better put together than she was. I decided it was time to let the Palas know what shitty dolls they make. With all the times in my life that I’ve been forced to suppress myself, I look forward to any chance I get to speak out. I’m just itching to tell the queen just what I think of her and her perfect little daughter, but I don’t just in case they do continue to send birthday, anniversary and Christmas money, and just in case the bitch does have the heart to leave something to Tom if she can ever hurry up and die. Better yet, I don’t want to talk. I want to throttle the mother-fucker! This is someone who could care less if her own son dropped dead. In that sense, she’s worse than Doe and Art cuz they would’ve at least helped us out as often as we needed it. While Doe and Art may have other traits that are much worse, that’s really fucking cold when you don’t even give a damn if your kids live or die. Doe and Art may not have cared if I suffered at times, but they never wanted me to die. At least not to my knowledge they didn’t.

I was surprised to find myself down a whole 3 pounds. So it was mostly water bloating me out. I learned that tea is like water pills. It really flushes the water off quite well. I’ve been having backaches, though, so I’m back to doing more crunches, even if they push my gut out rather than pull it in taut. However, I did quit the extra 20-minute workout because I didn’t seem to benefit from it in any way. Now I’m just doing a half-hour a day, 4-6 days a week. Nothing ever changes with exercise other than that a bare minimum keeps me out of the 130s as long as I don’t eat 2000 or more calories a day. It also helps keep me strong, fit, flexible and agile and it gives me stamina too, so I can’t say there are no benefits to it at all. It just doesn’t make me lose weight/inches.