It looks like I’m not going to be submitting any more books after all. He was taking forever to do the editing what with trying to find a new job and then with his computer breaking. Between that and believing that nothing I could possibly write could ever be allowed by God to get accepted and published, I decided to forget it and just keep it as what it was always meant to be – just a fun hobby. Then he said he wanted to rewrite the story because he thinks it’s that good and is worth developing, but I know him. He never sticks to things. Never finishes what he starts unless he has to. I agree that my story needs work and wouldn’t be accepted as is no matter what, but now I’ll always be curious as to what they might’ve said had we stuck to the original agreement, but oh well. I don’t have to get anything published. Especially since it would’ve paid shit. I’ll just keep having fun with it because I know that if God wanted me to succeed with anything like that, I would’ve done so by now. I’d also have had to do my own editing when he was too busy or didn’t feel like working on it, and I wouldn’t have liked that. Everyone needs an editor they can depend on. I also get the feeling he doesn’t want me to submit anything, though I don’t know why. If this is true, then he’s not going to admit to something like that, but it won’t kill me to wonder what Barb would’ve said. It won’t be the last thing I’ll ever wonder about. On the other hand, he did say we could submit what he rewrites if I wanted to. But will he really rewrite it? And is there really any point in submitting something that wouldn’t bring any money even if it did get accepted? At least if I continue writing for fun I won’t have the stress of having to perfect every little thing I write.

He took that test at the transmission place but still doesn’t know if he’s going to get the job. The test was a combination of personality and puzzle. For the puzzle, he had to fit 5 big pieces together and he said he did lousy at it because he was slow. He still thinks he got the job, but he’s such an optimistic person that I’m not surprised. However, he always did know and admitted that he had no chance at the big-paying job he applied for.

The stereos are driving me crazy today. I don’t know why, but some days they go by one after another really loud.

Anyway, I think what I’ve always thought – that we’re meant to be poor and held down, he’s meant to stay at MCX indefinitely, and we’re meant to stay in the city, very close to others. But I also know that we’re destined to make it to California someday. We’re talking about rural Sacramento as a possibility. What I mean by “rural Sacramento” is that it’s a big enough city to find jobs, but may have rural areas around it that aren’t a million miles away and building up. No city in the country is building as fast as Phoenix is. That’s why Maricopa built up so much in the 5 years we were there. The only thing I don’t like about Sacramento is that there are more blacks there than in Phoenix, but we’ve learned that we can move with no problem and therefore we don’t have to live with them. So if we get stuck next to any, we’ll split. However, if we can get in rural areas, they tend to avoid those areas because those areas aren’t good for gang activity and the gangsta hoe crap they’re into. If you want to be a good little gangster, you gotta stick to the city where opportunities to commit crimes are more plentiful. What much can you do in rural areas? Rob chicken coops? Anyway, I don’t know where or when we’ll go to California, but I know we’ll go somewhere in that state someday, my true home that I was meant to be in all my life. There’s not much we’ll miss in Oregon. We both like the summers, I like the tap water up here and he likes the winters, but other than that, there’s nothing for us here. He’d suddenly have to be offered a way high-paying job to hold us here, but money’s not in our cards, so that won’t happen. I miss both rural and big cities. I miss rural living and big-city shopping. Oh, the variety of stores big cities have as opposed to little shitholes like this! We’re going to look for a rural place in central or northern California where it’s less crowded and polluted, that is close to a big city, but not building up.