I almost got chapter 9 done yesterday, but then Marie’s shit, Jesse’s engine-gunning, and the excitement of my parents’ package distracted me.

Going in order of events from where I left off in my last entry – we got a fun package from my parents yesterday. There was a leopard print handbag that was even nicer than the gold metallic one I won in 2008. There was also some candy, cashews, gum, shampoo and a grill-like thing where you can make all kinds of things from cakes to cookies and burgers to omelets. Of course it was quite a task just figuring out where to keep it in this microscopic kitchen of ours, but we managed to squeeze it in.

I was sitting at my desk enjoying some of the nuts when the phone suddenly rang and I grabbed it, automatically assuming it was my folks. 

Wrong! It was her. 

“Don’t hang up,” Marie insisted, saying something about thinking I’d be asleep and that it would go to voicemail, but I cut her off by telling her I was sick of her shit before I hung up on her. I felt like such an idiot for not checking to see who was calling first, but I’m also not yet used to checking pop-up screens on computers either when I get calls.

I also got a message from the journal site, saw it was from her, and ignored it. They say sleeping on an issue is a good thing. When I woke up, I was sure I had done the right thing by letting Marie go. Again, I don’t hate her. I will always hope for the best for her and will probably think of her every single day of my life. But like I’ve said before, I have never forgiven anyone and not lived to regret it. To forgive means to continue the same old cycle of bullshit. It really does. It’s why I never spoke to Lisa again after she so rudely and insanely accused me of telling my father we started speaking sooner than we did. Even if I had received the apology I never received for her jumping the gun in such an unnecessary and immature way, I knew it would only be a matter of time before history repeated itself.

These are no longer sweet, innocent little girls, I reminded myself that day. These things are now all grown up and ready to lash out at the world. They’re ready to make the same mistakes they saw their parents make. They were abused, and after being forced to turn inward as minors as is usually the case with abuse, they’re now ready to take their anger out on whoever will put up with it.

Same thing with Marie. If she’s this unstable at 43, I’d say she’s pretty much set in her ways and is always going to be who she is. And I know we can’t change other people. They have to want to change themselves. I also don’t believe in trying to change or control others in the first place, but to just avoid them instead. Marie has a right to be herself the same as I have a right not to put up with her lashing out at me every goddamn week or two.

I realize that Marie may not be able to help herself and that she wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt, anger or drive me away. But she did say she “loved my fire” and some people do get off on ruffling people’s feathers, so maybe it was a bit of a twisted game to her, IDK. But my feathers are ruffled enough just knowing that we’re on our last extension and that if the jobs don’t come around by October, we’re dead. I don’t need additional aggravation hanging over my head while I sit here and wonder if we’re on death row because I’d be too much of a wimp to survive starving in the streets.

I didn’t want to be the same fool some women are who keep forgiving a man who either cheats or beats on them over and over and then apologizes over and over, insisting it will never ever happen again. I’ve been around enough Lisas and Maries to learn enough – yeah, that’s what spending too much time in funny farms does to you – and that’s that these people’s delusions tend to get crazier in time. At first they’ll go off on you over nothing. It’ll be the same old stupid, trivial shit at first, then it usually escalates into some pretty off-the-wall shit. Within a year or two they’d be accusing me of trying to hire their mothers to kill them, or insist they saw a tiny version of me swimming around in their toilets.

At first I felt guilty about letting Marie go, knowing that hey, no one’s perfect. But the problems were happening too often and I know I have every right to pick and choose who my friends are. As they say, we can’t pick our family but we can pick our friends. She’s a prime example of why I only have a few friends, none of whom live near me. There are too many more bad people in the world than good. If there weren’t there wouldn’t be so many injustices in the world. I keep people at a distance for a reason, and I only forgive the same person so many times for a reason as well. I hope she finds all the love, luck, happiness, good health and money in the world, but I have every right to disengage myself from people who continually upset or anger me in any way. If I forgave her right now she would just tell me she understood I’m busy. Then a week later she’d be insisting I’m just saying that because I’m bored with her and so it’s just a means of getting out of having to play email with her so often.

Or maybe I really do work full-time now. And maybe I don’t get the wages I should get and that I deserve, but it’s still work and it still pays. I also have many hobbies that I enjoy doing as well. Really. It’s true. I really, really do and I kid you not, LOL!

When I got up early this morning I thought my inbox and voicemail would be littered with messages from both Marie and Lena W, but they weren’t. Instead, I got an email alert saying I had a 48-second message from my folks. Dad left the message, actually. He just wanted to let me know they sent another package out yesterday – a big one – and I should get it next Wednesday or Thursday. This is perfect because we usually make mail runs on Thursdays. He said I didn’t need to call back and that everything was ok. He sure sounded tired, though, and almost out of breath.

It figures I had to not miss Marie’s call and just miss Dad’s call. He called just minutes after I had shut down for the day, and her call came about an hour before shutting down.

Today we got barking instead of engine gunning, so Jesse’s obviously working today. The dogs just aren’t barking as loud and as long. In the winter it goes consistently for 4-5 hours, then on and off for the rest of the day. For now, it’s just the first hour or two after he leaves, but I’m sure they’ll bark like they do in the winter year-round soon enough.

Anyway, I know journals are not only for recording the good times but for venting about bad things and bad people as well. However, I’m really sick of dwelling on negative, mean or insane people from the past and I want to just move on and try to focus on the good things and the good people in my life for whatever time I’ve got left on earth.

Lena, the bitch that screwed Marie over with the head games, sent me, Marie, and a few others some spam. It was only one message so far, but the girl’s going to live to regret it because I made sure to have her slammed with tons of spam of her own by signing her up for all kinds of newsletters and other shit. I even tweeted her full name and email addy letting people know she loves to talk dirty. Did a journal entry with it, too. So that ought to teach her a lesson if only for a while.

Marie said she was sorry for getting me involved in her mess. I told her not to worry about it.

Yesterday I got to thinking about all the things I’d won throughout the 3 years I entered tons of sweepstakes and contests, and I started missing those days. I only stopped sweeping because I stopped winning when the economy went to hell. For old-time’s sake, I decided to enter some sweeps yesterday just to see if I can turn on the wins again. If I can, I’ll go all out with it like I used to, but of course I’ll still stick to my main job as well.

I wrote most of chapter 9 yesterday too, so I’ve been really busy.

That’s it for today’s entry!

Later…

Guess this isn’t it for today after all. I just got yet ANOTHER one of Marie’s nasty emails loaded with all kinds of false accusations and paranoia. How did we go from, “I love you more than you’ll ever understand, Jodi Lin,” to this shit in just a matter of hours?! I can’t deal with all these sudden, unexpected mood swings and outbursts every week or two of my life. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m not kidding this time when I say we’re done. I don’t fight with people, I just dump ‘em. Right or wrong, I’ll only forgive a person so many times before I wash my hands clean of the aggravation. I don’t need people in my life with the maturity and behavior of a teenager.

She asked that I keep this to myself, but that’s another thing I’m sick of are the constant contradictions. She goes back and forth between telling me to write whatever I want, then begging me not to share it with my followers. But as I’ve said a million times before, it’s MY journal. And if you don’t like it DON’T FUCKING READ IT!

Not only is this right after telling me how much she loves me and seems to be in a fine mood, but right after she apologizes to me for getting me involved in her mess with Lena who started spamming us. This was the girl that led her on real bad by setting up a date with her and then running to hide when she went to her house. They worked together at Marie’s last job. Lena’s married with kids, but apparently bi-curious as well because they spent Marie’s last month there kissing and flirting. Anyway, the bitch plays with Marie’s head, then starts spamming us. So I’m not only kind enough not to chew Marie’s ass out for the shit this little head player’s sending me since she did give out my email without asking, but I have her slammed with tons of spam and newsletters in return for her fucking with us, and this is what I get for it.

Apparently, the “Marie” entry I thought we’d already discussed and resolved is still eating at her. Oh, and she’s sure my being busy is just a ploy. Lastly, she’s sorry she has issues and needs someone to talk to.

But how the hell does she think she’s going to get anyone to talk to if she’s a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with them, sweet and kind one minute, then a nutjob the next? No wonder she’s still alone at 43 years of age!

She signed off with, “Please take care and I hope you and Tom have a wonderful life and get what you deserve and want.”

And I hope she gets what she wants, too. She just can’t be a part of my life while she’s at it because she’s just too unstable. If you can’t treat me with the respect that I deserve and you feel you have to smother me obsessively and that I shouldn’t be entitled to do other things besides dealing with you while you call me a liar when I say I’m busy, then I don’t want anything to do with you.

So I’ve marked her emails as spam and have unfriended her from other sites. I’m sure she’ll try to call and message me, but it will all go ignored. That’s ok, LOL. She doesn’t live 3’ away like Joely N did, so she can’t MAKE me acknowledge her with all kinds of racket and vandalism.

Farewell, “Jamie.”

Later…

Marie’s contradictions and paranoia got old. I can see disagreements a few times a year, but a few times a month is a bit much for me. And it was always over the same old things. One can only insist they’re not kidding when they say they’re busy so many times. And one can only be accused of “ploys” so many times on top of it after they told them they “understood.” Write what you want, don’t share certain things. I understand you’re busy, it’s just a ploy! I’ll leave you alone for a while, I couldn’t hold back…and on and on it went, back and forth and back and forth! So yeah, it did get old having to explain and defend myself on the same damn things over and over.

I told myself, “She’s not going to give up on you so easily. She has a problem. It’s like an alcoholic that keeps slipping up. They feel bad about it when they do, they know they’ve got a problem, they realize they need to stop, but they can’t. They can only behave for a while, then boom! They fuck up again. She’s going to feel bad in a day or two and harass and stalk you every chance she gets till you either pay attention to her or she gets bored with getting no response.”

I realize this may be the case, but that’s okay. I know how to ignore unwanted contact. Hopefully, this time around will really be the real “eye-opener” she herself said our last feud was for her. Like I said, I don’t hate her. I’m not sitting here wishing her any harm. I just want to move on same as I have from others I’ve had to cut out of my life that were also a negative influence on me in some way.

Oh, and she may not be a drinker anymore, but she’s on head pills. If anyone knows that most shrinks are no better than dope dealers it’s me. Psych pills can really alter one’s personality and cause erratic behavior like she’s displayed. They make you who you’re not and provide a crutch as a coping mechanism. Until you learn to cope with your problems independently, the drugs are bound to make you do shit like she has. I still don’t see why the shrinks are even allowed to make the walking pharmacies they make of their patients. They definitely hold people back in life more than they help them.

Anyway, I only got 5 precious hours of alone time. God, how many more months is this going to go on? Am I the only one like this who can love and get along with someone really well, yet require more time alone? I’m the type that could spend days alone. While I’ve never missed being single, I really did enjoy a lot of the time I lived alone. I just wasn’t always so quick to admit it.

Jesse’s been out of work all week. Just the peace and quiet tells me that much!

I just wish this fucking weather would warm up and stay that way more than just a few days at a time, but it might become cold and rainy here year-round if that’s the trend global warming has in store for this area because not every place gets warmer. It’s almost May and it’s in the 30s out there!

Anyway, I know some people don’t want to believe this, but I really am too busy to write any more right now.

Ended up sleeping for 12 hours because I slept shitty two days in a row. I slept a little better last time around and woke up feeling more energized. My allergies were better too, though it seems I’ve swapped that in for a backache. Tom rubbed out some of the achiness before he crashed. Wish Marie could pick up where he left off! It was only a temporary relief, then the pain returned. I even took some Aleve for it, but it’s still present.

Tom has urged me not to work so hard, reminding me it’s ok to take a day off, especially on the weekends. I know I should, but I feel guilty if I do. I’ve been at this job since October 1st and haven’t missed a day since, though I don’t always make good money. Some days are just dead.

Between allergies and fatigue, I can’t say I feel too great right now. I have to have nose pinchers on – the kind for swimming – just so I can get through this entry without sneezing all over.

When we’re not feeling well physically it doesn’t do anything to help our mood, and so I’m rather irritable right now. Makes me almost wish She was here. Oh, what I could do to Her in this kind of mood! No, I’m not talking about my sister. Despite the hell she helped put my husband and myself through, for some reason, I don’t care to harm her. I wouldn’t reach out a hand to her if she were drowning, but I wouldn’t want to see her deliberately hurt. I should, perhaps, but I just don’t.

The last couple of days I’ve been on nights and I slept shittily. I wake up hot and then I’m cold when I am up. I’m sick of these cold nights and warm days! I wish it would stay warm all the time, but that’s not till June, and at the rate we’re going, we might not get there this year. It’s to be in the 70s the next couple of days, but then it’s back to the 50s and the rain. At least it’ll be easier to sleep when it’s cooler. I don’t know why I woke up hot. I had the window open and the fan going, though it was 79º in here and that’s a bit toasty under the covers. So I kicked off the covers, turned up the fan, and had Tom blast the cooler.

On top of that, I have been experiencing major fatigue and a period that just doesn’t want to come. It was due on the 21st, but all I’ve been doing is hovering between spotting and a light flow. This is the second month in a row I’ve had such a screwy cycle. I wish I could say menopause was setting in, but 44 seems a bit young for that. Don’t we usually experience that closer to 60?

Then yesterday – no, I’m not done yet – I noticed a faint but foul smell in the bedroom. Today I emptied the trash in there, thinking it might be something in that, but nope. The smell grew stronger. Then it hit me that one of the mice we poisoned was probably dead in the vents somewhere near the bedroom and that’s probably what I was smelling. So, since we’re not using the main heater, something I’m now more than glad for, I put packing tape over the vents. I hope this will stifle the smell, and the inevitable flies to follow, but I won’t count on it. We’ll probably have to seal up the other vents as well. Come to think of it, I think it is helping, and my nose is like a bloodhound.

Thank you, God, for caring enough and blessing us with a trashy old trailer as our only option in life, despite how hard we’re willing to work for more. Thank you for seeing to it that all doors for any potential opportunities have been slammed in our faces and will probably never open again for us at our ages. Thank you.

Yeah, we just HAD to be one of that 12%. 12%. What are the odds of being just 12%? Well, that’s just about how much of the population is gay or bi and I sure beat those odds too, didn’t I? I see a pattern there. Yup, a definite knack for “beating” the odds.

I don’t think Jesse was home all night last night, judging by the scattered barking fits I heard. Whiskey started going crazy right before 7am, so no more April to November break from the barking. I figured as much and that it would become a year-round thing. I just gotta get used to it, for once and for all, because I’m going to live in the West all my life.

When I got up this evening I thought he’d be out and they’d be going off, but I didn’t hear a thing.

I canceled my account on thoughts.com as Marie and I both came to suspect their site was somehow causing problems on our computers. My browser has been taking forever to load since around the time I joined them, and videos have been freezing up, although Tom discovered that Flash was responsible for the freezes. I thought the MagicJack was what was taking the browser so long to load, but I don’t think it is.

I’m probably forgetting something, but am feeling too blah to think that hard. As it is it’s taken me forever just to write this entry.

It’s just after midnight now yet I’m still hearing scattered barks since early in the evening. Is Jesse really still out somewhere? Or is he passed out drunk up there, oblivious to his surroundings?

Marie’s getting pushy again about bugging me with so much email. It just comes out in the snide remarks she makes. Like she’s trying to make me feel guilty for it. “How many emails before you get pissy?” And “Oh shit, this is email #3, so I guess that’s it for me today.”

I just ignore her when she gets this way. I don’t understand why she thinks we need to report our every single move to each other. Even if I had time for nothing but email – how boring! What new news could I possibly have for her in just a few hours or less? I wish she’d get a job where she couldn’t email me so damn much! She’s doing it from her phone. It’s like the only time she can’t pester me is when she’s asleep! I thought she’d be working, not able to sit there and email me all through her shift. But she works alone and there isn’t much to do. She told me on the phone it only takes her 4 hours to get everything done.

I was wrong in assuming MagicJack was $40 a year. It’s only $20 a year. That’s a hell of a deal, considering that the last call to my folks was $10.

I try not to pay attention to the news cuz it only pisses me off, yet couldn’t help but spot something about a fundraising dinner in a liberal-leaning Oregon town.

What liberal-leaning Oregon town? As far as I’m concerned these days, Tom and I are the only libs west of Illinois. We met a lot of nice people up there, but don’t be fooled. If given the chance, they’d jump just as quickly as most folks would for the opportunity to run, control and interfere with everyone else’s business but their own. They’d be just as eager to make other people’s decisions for them right down to what they did in the privacy of their own home.

It’s about time they started cracking down on illegals like they’re starting to! But when are they going to do something about those who legally obtain citizenship here and hog jobs and other resources that are rightfully ours? Until they take care of everyone who wants to invade this country, legal or not, they’re only dealing with half the problem. I don’t have a problem with people visiting for 3-6 months or coming here for schooling or certain work-related projects, but after that, you should get the hell out. And I shouldn’t have the right to live in Spain just because I like speaking Spanish and think that a place that’s more gay-friendly is more likely to be Jew-friendly as well.

Anyway, my periods are coming later and therefore my PMS is lasting longer. I’m totally exhausted today and have really had to push myself at the job site. There’s plenty of work to be done tonight, but as tired and as busy as I am, I doubt I’ll get to work on my story or do much of anything else. I can’t even muster up enough energy to work out! I know I should give myself a break. I’ve made enough money for today. But I guess I just like making money, even when I’m tired. It helps make up for the days work is slow.

So there’s a warrant out for God knows what in my dreams last night, then I’m featured on a 1-hour series about wanted fugitives, and I’m all worried about my folks seeing it and freaking out.

Then we’re living in the cellar of what seems like a spacious enough house. Only problem is that very few houses in the west have cellars, and for some reason, we can’t live on the main floor for a while. Guess something was wrong with it. It looked like a nice enough house to be holed up in its cellar for a while.

Those are the only two dreams I remember.

I saw the trailer for the movie 2012. I don’t see how the world could possibly end the way they’re predicting. I mean it’s just not scientifically possible for all these natural disasters to occur at once all around the globe. Besides, everyone thought the world would end in 1999 yet it didn’t. So unless there’s some evil force far eviler than I ever dreamed possible that sets out to deliberately destroy the world at once, these things just can’t happen. And since when do tornados pick on New York anyway? And why have it end so violently if something up there wants it to end then? Just kill the sun and we’ll all die in half a second!

I believe the world will end in 100-200 years thanks to the sick twisted towel heads in the Middle East who will probably be able to nuke everyone by then. It’s usually Iran, Iraq, Pakistan and Palestine that cause most of the world’s problems, so I’m sure it will be spearheaded by one of them. They hate everyone.

If I’m wrong, though, and the world really does end in a couple of years, well then I won’t have to worry about money struggles for 40 more years or who’s going to take care of us when we get too old to fend for ourselves. It would suck to have to check out, though, just one year prior to getting our pension money, but hey, whatever’s meant to be is gonna be. I’m ok with whatever it is, though the thought of dying and what may lay beyond has always frightened me. I would still love to see the movie!

I spoke with Marie! She sounded nervous, insecure and shy as hell. She was like Paula in some ways, giggling erratically. Only she didn’t ramble on and on and rapidly switch subjects. She was more focused. It was super cool to hear her voice live and to actually talk to her. She was on her break at the time. I teased her about the fact that she sounds EXACTLY like Aileen Wuornos. She got a kick out of it, though she also assured me she was no murderer, LOL! Of course she also sounds like this cop I once knew and picked on. I love her voice either way.

When she told me it was to be down in the 20s tomorrow night I lost it. I thought we had it bad! It just sucks that one of her roommates drives her batty at times. Guess that’s her compensation for not having to pay rent.

She totally flattered the hell out of me by saying she reads everything I write and can’t wait to read my book when it’s done. It’s cool to have such a loyal fan who happens to be someone I love and am attracted to.

Paul also said he looks forward to my “bestseller,” though I’m sure it will be far from a bestseller, LOL.

Marie and I were talking about how we still get angry at times when we think of those who have abused us in the past. Actually, I don’t “think” of them. They seem to randomly force their way into my mind when I least expect them to, and then I’m seething with the kind of rage that would undoubtedly end up sending me to prison for life if they suddenly appeared in the flesh before my eyes. That’s because the tables have turned with the hands of time and I’m now the one who could hurt them. Then again, I probably have enough anger alone to give me whatever strength it would take to break them in half. And I wouldn’t hesitate! Normally I can think ahead to the possible consequences my actions may bring, but not in their case if they suddenly materialized. I never want to see them again, but at the same time, I wish to hell they would show up here, though I know they never would even if they knew where I was. They wouldn’t have the balls to after screwing me over the way they did.

I remind myself that they can never hurt me again – not legally, not personally – and that helps. I don’t ever have to see my brother or uncle ever again who have caused my family a lot of grief over the years. And I never have to see anyone else in the family either. With my folks close to the end, it’s unlikely I’ll ever even see them again, but I’m ok with that and with keeping in touch by phone and mail for whatever time they have left, and I’m sure they agree.

For the longest time I worried about not being able to control myself should someone start shit with me at my folks’ funerals and that I may end up beating the shit out of them. But I already decided a long time ago (and I told my folks this) that it would be in everyone’s best interest that I do not attend their funerals. I can mourn their death from right here anyway, and all I’d be doing if I went back east would be getting in the way, putting myself in jail, and a few others in the hospital. My brother and uncle are getting up there in years now, and chances are they still smoke and aren’t nearly as fit as I am. They’d be too easy to hurt.

And then there’s my sister who later admitted that yes, she wanted me jailed for defending her and telling her abusive ex just what I’d like to do to him for abusing her and Lisa. She threatened me in a letter and phone call to Tom for sticking up for her, and she and the ex ultimately got me in jail for half a year, even if it didn’t have anything to do with her directly in the end. And then there are the thousands of dollars we lost on account of it all, so how the hell could I just stand there, smile, be polite, be “courteous” and not want to strangle her, too? A couple of rude messages from her kids are nothing compared to the hell she helped sic upon my husband and I.

I know my sister’s EXACT address. I could’ve faxed her local police department or sent the link to the site she threatened me on the same as she managed to do when she found out my whereabouts when we left Phoenix so she could send them to our door in Maricopa. But I chose not to be so childishly vindictive.

Same with the welfare bums in Phoenix. I could’ve called the cops when they were tossing sexual notes in our mail slot – a serious federal offense – and when they prank-called us, but I knew I could just ignore it and that no one could make me read or listen to anything I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel the need to spite them and to “get” them. Instead, I felt I had more important things to accomplish in life. And so I was the big one who turned the other cheek and moved on.

But put all these people in this room with me and the only “big one” would be the ones to survive my wrath. I would want them to survive too, so they could have to live with the memories of what I’d done to them.

I also used to worry for the longest time that if my parents left anything to Tom and I once they were gone, Tammy, being the executor of the will, would see to it that she kept our share and probably Larry’s as well. I don’t think my folks realize just how much she can’t be trusted. Of course she’s going to promise them she’ll carry out whatever their wishes may be, but I also know her better than my folks do. They don’t see her for the evil, selfish, vindictive, crazy bitch she can be, and maybe they don’t want to. What parent wants to see their kids that way?

It could be that my parents will die so broke that any money that may come from the sale of their home/cars has to pay off their debts, but I doubt it. I think my sister and her brood will get it all. The condo, the cars, the store, the personal items – everything.

But if that’s what’s meant to be, so be it. Ain’t nothing I can do about it. But by then we’ll either be dead or making what we need or more than what we need anyway.

I know, I know. I’m rambling on again about shit I’ve already been through. So why rehash it? I guess I just have to every now and then. I guess it just feels good to do this periodically because it’s good therapy for me. These aren’t things one ever forgets or gets over. You don’t help trash someone’s life and expect them to just forgive, forget and move on. It just doesn’t work that way.

Marie was telling me of how she uses drugs to help cope with her anger (the prescription kind that’s perfectly legal, of course), and while I don’t condemn her for coping in whatever way she sees fit, I couldn’t do that myself. Even if I had insurance which I still don’t expect to have for years, to me that’s like turning to alcohol or illegal drugs. No pill can make the problem go away, so I figure it’d be best to learn to cope on my own without the side effects, costs and addictions that can come with relying on medication. I’ve been there before and for me personally, life has been much, much better since I quit the pill-popping. If anything I’m calmer overall and much perkier. Again, though, to each their own. We all gotta do whatever works best for us, just like Mary turned to God as a coping mechanism.

Mary. Haven’t heard from her since Christmas and I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will.

Anyway, to sum it all up, when I worry about hurting Larry, Tammy or Ronnie, I remind myself that I don’t ever have to see those people again in the first place – and I know I won’t – and so there’s nothing to worry about, not that I’d feel guilty for kicking the crap out of them. Just worried about my own ass going to jail.

These people could get caught in a fire or a car wreck, and I wouldn’t feel any different than if it were some stranger in Wyoming.

And I’ve quit worrying about everything going to Tammy and the brood, too. I just hope that when she’s living high off the hog and if we’re still struggling like we were lazy bums who just don’t give a damn God will be a little bit nicer to us in the next life – if there is one – and compensate us for the unfairness we’ve endured in this life.

Paula sent a message saying she was lonely, and could I hook her up with a guy in the Springfield area? No, I told her, but she can try the Yahoo! personals or something like that herself.

My buddies at the incense/perfume site didn’t have CocoMusk or Hot Buttered Popcorn in roll-on options, but Elliot said they would be added. I want to get those when I make my next order.

Starting in July I should be able to put about $100 a month towards savings and still have $20 - $30 to play around with. Meanwhile, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it’s going to be years before Tom’s working again.

My day started off with me in a pissy-ass mood because I woke up both hungry and in pain. That back molar of mine has been driving me crazy lately. Tom and I can’t figure out why it just won’t die. I guess something up there likes to see me deal with chronic pain. I’m trying not to take pain relievers unless it’s really obnoxious so as to toughen myself up. Especially since the tooth is obviously not going to die.

Then I just had to ruin my free sample of Spanish chocolate milk by overheating it in the microwave and causing it to boil over and make a mess.

Then it’s cold and rainy again. We had a hailstorm for a while, but now it’s just cold and rainy. I worry this is going become a regular trend here and that it will no longer be warm most of the year like it’s supposed to be. Last night didn’t get as cold as I thought it would because it stayed at 57ºout there for quite a while. But then after 1am, it started dropping both inside and out.

Lastly, the dogs went off if only for a few minutes. Tom said it’s cuz they heard me throwing stuff around. I’m sorry, LOL, but dogs can’t hear that well and we’re not that close!

The heater breaking turned out to be a blessing because the oven has been doing a much better job of heating the place with very little propane. There’s no doubt that there are holes in the heating vents below the trailer. Since we’ve shut the vents we’ve had no mice in here, though most of them probably get in through the pipes.

On colder nights, all we have to do is set the oven to low and it cycles on and off and keeps the kitchen and living room comfy. I just use the portable in the bedroom. So now we should be saving a ton of money for however many more winters we’re here.

But how many will that be? And WHEN will we ever be allowed to get ahead in life???

Marie and I are going to have our first live talk tomorrow at 11pm my time when she’s on her lunch break. That ought to be fun.

Paula did send that picture she wanted to send and she replied to the message I sent her on Gmail. Justin created a new account for her since she didn’t like the name of the other one. I told her to contact me on Yahoo! since that’s the account I usually use, though I just might go with Gmail myself since my Yahoo box is being bombarded with spam to no end that just won’t hit the spam box. If I’m just going to get harassed to use that account, it may be worth switching.

So Paula sent a full-page picture of herself she printed from the computer with a floral border. It’s pretty nice. She said she’s also going to send money to cover shipping costs soon, so I can send her CDs and other stuff.

I’m going to send her a letter with the new number because knowing her, it will be 10 years before she does email again.

On a roll again with the writing after getting stuck in a rut and not sure where to go next with the story. I have trouble keeping things going. I don’t want too much action, but I don’t want it to be boring either. I think I’m now moving along at a steady enough pace, and Paul is quick to help compare US dollars to euros when I need him to since the story is set in Italy.

Tom had me cracking up last night. He said he started to read some of the story and said to himself, “Does she even have any idea that this makes absolutely no sense at all?” Then he realized that he was starting with the second chapter, LOL. I had been emailing him one chapter at a time, and I guess he thought he was starting at the beginning when he wasn’t.

Triond accepted and published my poem on authspot.com, but sure enough, it’s only generated 3 views and no money in the 15 hours it’s been there.

The weather’s getting cooler and cloudier. It was great for running today, but I can tell it’s going to be freezing in here tonight.

I’m now following the site on Twitter I get my perfume oils so I can know when they get in new scents to try.

Last night the economy was eating at me and really getting me down. I’d be fine one minute, then thinking about how those 99 weeks of extensions are almost up. Who I should send final letters and messages to if we didn’t make it started going through my mind.

Then today both Tom and Marie cheered me up with their assurance that everything will work out because there’ll either be jobs or they’ll keep the extensions going.

Marie’s such a sweetie in saying she’d take care of me if worse came to worse, but I don’t think she realizes just how much easier said than done that would be. For one, I couldn’t expect her to take care of Tom too, and I certainly wouldn’t leave him behind to suffer. I also couldn’t live with 1 smoker let alone 3 since she has 2 roommates. It also wouldn’t be easy to just go to her or for her to just drop her life and come to us. I know she would still do whatever she could and I really appreciate that. It means a lot to me. Especially since I know that no one else would give a damn, and those few that might, wouldn’t be able to help. Why is it that it’s usually those who can help that don’t give a damn anyway???

Marie left a message on my MJ last night. It was nice to hear that deep, totally hot voice of hers again. She sort of reminds me of Laurie, this cop I once picked on both by myself and then with Andy and Fran before leaving MA.

Jesse motorcycled out of here at 2:30. I’m surprised he stayed in that long. Tom said he heard the ATV softly buzzing about around 8am. I still wonder where he goes with it and why “Dick and Marie” were parked at the foot of their drive the other day. It’s not a private driveway. There are a few other residents that use the drive leading to their house. Their truck is an out-of-stater for sure. Tom said he can’t swear it was Arizona, though he thinks it was. We could only see the front of the truck so that’s how we know it’s at least an out-of-stater. California, as well as Oregon, requires plates in front. Oh well. If it was connected to “them” I would think that “they” would’ve pounced by now. And I accuse Marie of being paranoid!

Anyway, Jesse left and all remained quiet. The barking is definitely, definitely connected to the colder weather. No doubt about it. Maybe the damn dogs just need coats for the winter. Maybe that will “trick” them into thinking it’s warmer.

I exchanged emails with Paul, Jessie poked me, and work is slow. So I’m trying to work on my neglected story while doing laundry, but haven’t been able to focus yet.

Last night I had a dream that Emily B died of cancer. Hmmm…today Emily would be 65 years old. We lived a block apart when I first went out on my own when I was 20 years old, and our buildings were owned by the same people. We’d talk on the phone and visit each other, though I would usually go to her place since she was right by some stores I frequently shopped at. By the time I moved to the projects, we had drifted apart. I don’t even know if she’s still in Springfield, or even if she’s in MA. I hope she’s ok, wherever she is. I tried to look her up on Facebook but got too many hits on her name. My curiosity just isn’t strong enough to risk sifting through 500 possibilities.

Later…

Jesse just got back. I just hope the dogs don’t let me know it if he leaves in the truck later on. After all, it is cooling down out there.

Someone on one of the journal sites was talking about diet pills making them feel like shit along with crash diets. I told them they’re smart to forget the lose-20-pounds-in-14-days BS. Like several others have lately, they asked how I lost the 30 pounds I’ve lost so far.

The 3 most important elements are diet, exercise and Oolong tea.

To copy in what I told her, I found that the key is in scheduling the things I eat at 2-hour intervals and keeping my calorie intake the same. Back when I was having small things that were around 100 calories, then a big meal of about 500 calories, I found it stretched my tummy out and made me hungrier. Timing and portion size are EVERYTHING. It will take a few days to get used to it, though. Just work out 15-30 min. a day by running or riding a bike. Maybe do some ab crunches, too. Have one cup of tea a day. You can usually find a 100-bag box on eBay for $10, but your grocery store may carry it, too.

Lastly, if you get up at 8am, you’ll want to eat at 10am, noon, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm, 8pm and 10pm. Here’s an example of what I eat. Remember, the calories need to be 25-200 for each thing you eat and you’re going to eat 7 times a day. Drink water and calorie-free or no-calorie drinks.

1. 1 pork chop or chick leg/wing or a baked potato w/ a little margarine (about 200 cals)

2. 1 banana or bowl of oatmeal (100-160 cals)

3. A fruit cup. I usually get diced peaches (25-35 cals)

4. 1 Slim-Fast meal bar or shake (200 cals)

5. 1 vanilla ice cream stick with chocolate shell (130 cals)

6. Meat & cheese slices (around 100 cals)

7. Yogurt or an apple (80 cals)

It’s okay if you don’t like these foods. This is just a sample layout.

Tom and I are going to build a rack for my roll-on perfumes. I don’t think it’s worth buying one at the wholesale site for $50. This is definitely a better way to smell good smells as opposed to that messy incense, so I’ll probably accumulate a little collection over time. There’s nothing like smelling like a hot fudge brownie or a bunch of carnations!

Later…

Paul said he could see some of the ash from the volcano that erupted in Iceland, though not at night. Must seem kind of strange! He described how he writes in spurts and that’s how it is with me. Sometimes my stories are just crawling along and other times I’m tapping away at the keyboard so furiously you’d think I was playing the piano.

Marie and I chatted for a few minutes which I still like to do every now and then. I tease her about being a good dog who’s very trainable and she agrees, LOL. So she hasn’t sent a zillion emails since I can’t seem to control my curiosity when I see I have new messages. And therefore I’m getting more done, even if I still get lazy at times with my story. I’m going to try to crank out chapter 7 at some point today because work is slow.

Maybe I’ll publish this story with triond.com someday, though I would only get half the revenue it makes from what I read. Still beats the 5% in royalties most publishers are willing to share with their authors.

Jesse’s been gone since before I got up at noon and all has been quiet. Yeah, but will it be that way when he goes to work tomorrow at 5am?

Back to Marie – she really does have a heart of gold. While no one wants things to ever get so bad that they have to depend on anyone else, she was so sweet when she said that of course she’d help Tom out too, if worse came to worse with us, because she knows we’re a package deal and believes in helping friends. That is a hell of a generous, caring person! And she’s never even met Tom, and of course, she hasn’t seen me in 26 years. It will probably be 28 years by the time she gets out here, but better later than never. Gives my hair time to get some considerable length. It’s still not that long yet, especially when left curly. I’ve got the curliest hair in my family!

Ok, that’s it from the real world. Now it’s off to Never Never Land to see what other adventures I can create in my book.

Today has been warm and quiet yet Jesse’s not home. Maybe there is hope for a bark-free summer after all, but I won’t hold my breath.

Some days I just can’t do anything right. I accidentally hot-keyed in the cell number for Marie instead of the MJ number. At least I got to hear that hot, sexy voice of hers again. It totally turns me on. She’s got a very confident-sounding voice. She laughed and said that at least she got to hear what Tom’s voice sounds like, and she’s sorry for being a fucktard. LOL, at least she kept it clean. Tom’s cool and it’s not like he couldn’t deal with it, but it would seem weird having her leave a dirty message for me on his phone. On my phone, anything goes! As always, there’s just something that turns me on about the way she uses my first and middle name, though I don’t know what it is.

Back in my days of entering sweeps, robo wouldn’t fill in flash forms and so we set up hotkeys. Control + S fills in my address, Control + D my DOB, etc. The cell is Control + N, and N is just two keys away from V, so instead of pasting the new number into my message to her with the V key, I hit the N.

Then I had to fuck up again when I redid my outgoing message. I don’t know how, but when Tom tested it from his phone, you would hear me, and then the automated message. So after researching their near-worthless help center to learn to do something that shouldn’t have to be so damn complicated, we got my voice off and just left the automated one on. So when she calls tonight that’s what she’ll hear till I call her at work within the next few weeks or so.

She also sent a fantastic picture a coworker took of her. Her face and her hair looked great. It’s not too short. I never did care for those crew-cut styles anyway. She’s not at all fat either and definitely looks younger than 43.

She refriended me on Facebook, but I’m sure we’ll get pissed at each other again soon enough. It seems like every other month or so we lose it on one another for something or another. Somehow I think there’ll always be a place in my heart for her no matter what, LOL, and I’ll always be her girl even if we can never be together. I still hope she’ll meet someone that’s available and that will make her happy, but I also hope she will still think of me every now and then at least in the shower when she does meet someone.

I will admit I play with her at times in a mean way and push her buttons like when I put words like Marie, email, fucktard, obsession, crazy, misunderstands and paranoid when tagging one of my entries on thoughts.com. I deleted one of my nasty rants. Despite her jumping the gun on me and irritating me at times and my reacting with such lovely and creative tags, I would never want to deliberately and knowingly hurt her in any way. I care too much for her and would rather completely ignore her than burn her in any way that goes beyond colorful tags.

I still want to see her too, even if it may not be such a smart idea. I guess the best thing to do is wait till she’s got time and money available, then decide this.

Eileen took her granddaughter, now in her terrible twos, for storytime at Barnes & Noble. But the kid started kicking the other kids and so they had to leave. I replied by saying she sounds like I was as a kid!

I was glad to hear the people that got screwed out of their unemployment and who had exhausted all their extensions are getting paid back for the weeks they lost, though I hope no one had to hit the streets before they could get paid. At first I asked myself, “What do you care if those people got screwed? You hate most people anyway, and you know most of them are probably assholes.” But knowing they got paid gives me better peace of mind for Tom and I.

I spent some time vacuuming and rearranging under the bathroom and kitchen sinks. What a mess those mice make! I think a rat must’ve been in there at one point. Some of the turds were too big for a mouse and none of our rats have ever been in there.

I love this summery weather, even if it may not last long. The trailer doesn’t get any newer or bigger, but I just love all the fresh air and the privacy we have here!

My Mac has officially been MagicJacked! Tom wanted to look at microphones since my microphone doesn’t work in Windows, which is what I prefer to use over OSX, but I didn’t see the point in getting one.

I gave Eileen and Marie the number, which is easy to remember, and Marie’s gonna leave me a message when I’m asleep. It would be nice to have her voice in my voicemail, as much as we get on each other’s nerves at times. I’ll call her on one of her breaks sometime soon enough.

They didn’t have an Auburn prefix; only Marysvale, Folsom, Paradise, Roseville, Chico and a few other places. I think I chose Chico.

I called my folks and spoke to them both. I told them we didn’t have the new phones yet so we couldn’t all talk, but we’d be getting them soon. Best Buy didn’t have the set we wanted, so we’ll probably order it online. The cashier, who looked to be in her late 40s to early 50s was pretty funny, referring to Tom as “sweetheart” and “love bug.”

I accidentally talked over my folks as there is a lag. When Tom called to test it from his cell phone when we were setting it up, I could clearly hear his “hello” over the phone a second after he actually said it. He says I shout on the phone, too. Oh well, LOL.

Anyway, backing up to when we were out before I get back to Mom and Dad, we also went and picked up the perfume roll-ons I ordered (that Love spell by Victoria’s Secret is to die for), and then to McDonald’s where we got our first real treat in a long time since we began dieting. We don’t like to do fast food too often anyway as it’s costly and unhealthy if you get to doing it as often as we used to. Keeps it special this way anyway. I savored that burger even though it had the pickles and relish I asked them not to include. The rat ate it instead and loved every bit of it as well as some of the bun and a French fry. The fries were delicious too, even though they were cold and soggy, and my caramel sundae was way awesome.

So Mom, Dad and I talked about a variety of things. I asked them what they thought of the healthcare reform thing and they said it was good, but glad that by the time anything could affect them in a bad way, they’d be gone. Yeah, it’s kind of sad to be relieved that my parents will be gone so they won’t have to suffer, but that’s just the way it is.

They said it’s getting hot there again after having the worst winter ever. This has certainly been our worst winter and spring in Cali, but it was warm today.

Their poodle, Max, is going to be 7 tomorrow.

We also talked about the package they sent and they said they’ll be sending another one in a week or so for both Tom and me. It’s a good thing this place has a closet 3 times the size of the two we had in the Oregon house! And that I’ve got lots of spare hangers.

We talked about the economy, too. As I told them, I wish I was one of those who never worry about anything unless trouble is actually upon them, but I’m a major worry wart by nature. I worry about them stopping the checks before the jobs return, and I worry about who’s going to take care of us when we’re older.

Thousands of people have already run out of extensions and it’s sad that this country won’t take care of its own. Yet it will be quick to cart millions off to terrorists in Palestine.

They said they were always determined to never have to depend on any of their kids, and while I understand this, I assured them that if they ever needed a place to stay, they could stay with us. I told Mom I would just have to chase her around with the rat every time she nagged me too much about my comforter not matching my drapes or some silly thing like that.

How things change with time and age! I think the vast majority of us spend our 20s making stupid mistakes, wasting money, dressing like sluts, living in the moment, and basically not caring about anyone else. Then we get older and we scramble to save, we take fewer risks, we swap in the wild clothes for something more casual, then we worry about our future and our parents.

I don’t know where that adventurous side of me came from. It seems Tom brought it out of me, though I doubt he was aware of his own boldness at the time, yet we found we had this adventurous side we never knew existed. Then together we took risks and lived on the edge. I regret it just as much as I loved every single crazy, hectic minute of it. We know that had we never done some of the things we’ve done, we’d always be left to wonder what it would have been like.

Growing old both excites and terrifies me and I’m not afraid to say so. I wouldn’t mind knowing that I’ve only got a handful of years left to worry about money and the world’s twisted unfairness. But the thought of dying – alone or not – and what may await me on the other side, if there is “another side,” really scares the heck outa me.

Anyway, we are doing our best to save what we can without depriving ourselves completely of life. We all gotta live a little. This doesn’t mean spending hundreds of dollars on all kinds of crap, but the occasional fast food runs we make are nice. I turned to Tom a few months ago when we first discovered the Turk and began to save, shook my head and said, “This could all be for nothing. If we don’t survive this economy, all our savings could be for nothing since we couldn’t possibly save enough to survive on if they stop the checks in October, so let’s live a little along the way.” And he agreed.

She pointed out that Tom, as my husband, is obligated to take care and provide for me. And he always has. But if they stop the checks before he can get a job, it won’t be his fault.

Anyway, when life gets me down and I think of how we may be forced to choose between being homeless and hungry or simply killing ourselves, I try to focus on what we do have and not people being uninsured, poverty, legalized discrimination, or our much-needed money going to other countries. Yeah, we might have to kill ourselves next October, since I’m just not tough enough to go hungry on the streets, but not today. Not today.

If we do survive, my dreams in life are simple and that’s just to have a modest house in a few years with a few grand in savings. I don’t care if I never become a published author that makes millions of dollars. I don’t care if PCH never comes to our door. And I don’t care if I can’t stay thin all my life and learn more languages. If these things still happen – great, but I’m already officially in the quadrilingual zone, and I’d say that’s more than most people can claim. I remind myself of these things when I dwell on my shortcomings. I don’t have 5K in savings right now and I may have vision and sleep problems, but I could write this entry in Spanish or Italian and I could sign it, too! Woo-hoo! I can even sing about as good as your average pop star, excluding the extremes like Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston and Barbara Streisand.

I still can’t believe there are still people in the world, like Mike Huckabee, who actually believe the efforts to allow gays and lesbians to marry are comparable to legalizing incest, polygamy and drug use. That’s like saying the efforts to raise money for cancer are comparable to beating the crap out of one’s wife and children! Someone needs to show this loser the statistics. 82% of the child molesters in this world are straight males. And drug use and promiscuity are no more or less present in the gay community than in the hetero community.

Marie admitted she felt hurt and that’s why she lashed out at me, though her door is still open to me. As I told her, she didn’t do anything wrong in the way that my sister and the sick twists in Arizona have, she’s just annoying at times with her silly paranoia and sometimes too many messages when I’m trying to work. As I reminded her, no one’s perfect, but if she can just take what I say at face value and understand my busyness has nothing to do with her, that would really help. It’s not her fault, as I also told her, that I can’t always control my own inbox-diving habit and that I keep checking and responding to emails when I know I should be working. I need to learn to stay outa my inbox when I’m busy. But I get paranoid as well and start thinking that if I let so many hours pass by before I check/reply to messages from her, she’ll think something’s wrong or I’m pissed at her. Nonetheless, I’ll work on keeping out of my box when I’m busy.

Alison totally knows what I’m going through with her. There’s this girl who’s been stalking her online and joins every single site she joins. She says these types are toxic and never happy. That is a very good way to describe Marie as much as I still, and probably always will, have a place in my heart for her.

The question is, did she set up an additional account to “comment” on her entry to make it look like others sympathized with her because I tell her she’s driving me away? The thing that made me wonder is A, the user name is jodiecolts. Well, my name’s Jodi without the e, and the Colts are her favorite football team. B, the account is empty. There’s no user info. No location, no DOB, no nothing. While it’s not impossible, it also seems strange that she would get a comment after just a few entries while I have over 20 entries and 0 comments. C, this person has just one entry that was left a couple of days ago, saying she still misses her husband after 10 years and wonders if she should go back to him. She even has a poll asking what people think. Marie left a comment on the entry empathizing with her and saying she still hopes “her girl” comes back to her. The writing style is a bit different, but if it’s her, she may’ve gone out of her way to make sure of that.

We’ve got yet another round of mice we’ve been trapping. This place has been absolutely terrible as far as mice go. Once in a while would be fine, but here it’s one after another. Again, I can totally see why they couldn’t keep anyone here.

Also, our little freeloaders in back are shooting again. I can’t swear 100% that it’s them doing it, but it’s the same gun that’s been a problem before. They fired a single shot. Then another shot a minute later. Then 3 shots in rapid succession a minute later. I just hope this isn’t going to be a regular thing!

Heading out soon to get the MagicJack, pick up the mail, and enjoy a treat of burgers and fries!

Apparently, Marie and I are done with each other and that’s ok with me. She needs to move on, and I’m sick of dealing with her drama. Again, I care about her very much and wish her the best, but no relationship – be it friends, cyber, or live-in – should be this much work. I can’t deal with her paranoia anymore and her reading things into the things I say that aren’t even there. I just can’t.

She’s convinced that my asking that she cut down the number of daily emails to me because I’m busy really means I’m bored with her and want out. Oh, I want out now, alright. But it’s only because I’m tired of her childish mood swings and expecting me to play email with her every chance she gets to do it. She just couldn’t understand that I need to be doing other things in life, and sometimes I just don’t want to do email or even anything computer-related. Sometimes I just need a break.

Oh, and I have a roof over my head and food to eat, but I’m still not happy, she says. Yeah, and if I keep playing email with her so much of the time when I should be working, then we won’t have a roof over our heads or food to eat, and if we do, it won’t be by much. And no, I’m not happy being on unemployment for a year and a half. This isn’t the “ideal” life or what we came here for.

She just doesn’t get that just because she’s got free time when she’s awake and a lot of free time at work, doesn’t mean I do. I really think this is why she dropped out of class. I think she was so focused on me that that’s part of why her grade dropped. Unless she’s got a set time she has to be in class, these classes are online and open 24/7, so how her new shift can be to blame as she says makes no sense. But like I said, maybe there’s something I don’t know.

So instead of being understanding, she took it all wrong and handled it very childishly and immaturely by going off on me and then deleting me from sites we’re “friends” at. I hate to admit it, but she’s kind of doing us both a favor. I really think she needs to move on. Not just because she overwhelms me at times with all the attention, but because she needs to meet someone who can give her what I can’t. Or at least try to meet someone who can. A relationship may not be meant to be for her, but she’ll never know it if she’s glued to her inbox playing email with me all day.

I’ve decided not to read/answer any of her future emails/feedback to me, and if I have to mark her as spam, I will. I doubt I’ll follow her journal either over on Thoughts. Her overbearing ways, paranoia and misunderstanding of my intentions so much of the time have just gotten to be way too much for me. I wish her the best of love, luck, money and happiness, but that’s it, I’m outa here.