My blog got a hit from Germany, though I doubt it’s Nane even though it was a direct hit or a bookmark. She hasn’t been on LM since yesterday, so unless she copied the link elsewhere when I gave it to her and has now decided to check it out, I doubt it’s her. If she were going to do anything, wouldn’t she reply to my message or re-send the friend invitation on FB before she checked out my blog?

She only ended up doing mine and one other person’s submission yesterday, then that was it. She was gone again. Hey, she was in an hour ago, so I just saw, and did two more, completely ignoring my message. So yeah, I’m 100% sure I’ll never hear from her. How’d she figure me out, though? Was I really that obvious?

Had you asked me last night at 6:30 if I thought something was wrong with my heart I’d have said “definitely,” and I would have even considered going to the hospital had we been insured and me not so exhausted. Even Tom suggested it, saying we have money now. But not that much money, LOL.

If you asked me right this very minute if I think something’s wrong with my heart, the answer would be that I don’t have a clue. I would still think that given my diet and lifestyle, I should be fine, but last night had me more convinced than ever that this just isn’t the case.

To back up a bit for those who don’t know me as well – I quit smoking when I was 31 in 1997. Just like with Maliheh, it came down to do or die, but for me, it was for a different reason and that was asthma. Being hauled to the ER by ambulance with tubes up your nose, breathing masks, and being terrified you’re not going to make it because you just can’t breathe, will certainly help get you off the ciggies! So I used the gum and toughed it out with the first 4 months being the hardest, and my weight shot from 110 pounds to 125 pounds for a while, but I could finally breathe. The wheezing stopped as soon as I quit smoking, but the tightness remained until we left Arizona. Ever since then, with the exception of some congestion here and there, my lungs have been fine.

“The chick with the muscles.” That’s pretty much what I’ve been referred to as for quite a while now. I really got into fitness big time after quitting smoking and have been at it – fairly consistently – ever since. “OMG, look at that lady’s abs!” I overheard a young girl once tell her friend in the supermarket. These girls couldn’t have been a day over 20 yet they were envying the knots in my tummy from all the years of workouts. I have to be careful when shaving my legs because of the lumps of muscles in them.

I have play-wrestled with past male friends that I basically tossed around like rag dolls. I threatened to beat the shit out of the manager at one of the motels we stayed in when we first came to Cali (yes, I know it’s wrong but I can’t help but laugh at remembering this poor guy) who was pissing me off when I was already in a foul mood. He ran. He did not challenge me, he did not call the cops, he just ran!

Yet despite being fit, muscular and scaring the shit out of people twice my size, I woke up last night with two of the top heart failure symptoms – palpitations and feelings of being smothered. This wasn’t the kind of tightness I would get with my asthma. This was different. I’ve had it before, sometimes when I’d be awake, though it’s definitely worse when lying down. It’s like I just can’t suck enough air into my lungs no matter how deep a breath I take. Unlike ever before, though, the palpitations were coming every 10-15 seconds. I was lying on my stomach, my preferred position, when the palpitations and trouble breathing woke me. I had the palpitations when I first crashed, but didn’t think anything of them as annoying as they were. It was a little better on my back, but best on my side. It took an hour for the palpitations to stop and I laid there for hours, dead exhausted before I could finally fall back asleep. I ended up being in bed for 14 hours total!

A while back Tom suggested it could be nerves, but there’s no way in hell that was about nerves! If anything I feel the least anxious since we moved here. No, money isn’t everything, but it sure as hell counts for something. But not even the night of October 11th of 2007, one of the worst days of my life, had me feeling anything like I felt last night.

When I got up my heart was a little racy and beating a little hard, leaving me feeling a bit winded, but ever since then, I have felt just fine. A little sluggish energy-wise, but that can be attributed to PMS. I don’t know what to think anymore. The symptoms vary and aren’t always consistent. I had no chest pain, but I sure felt like a machine that was malfunctioning for a while there. I wasn’t scared or in pain, but I was annoyed and wondering what the hell was going on. Just about everyone experiences palpitations every now and then and they are usually harmless, but this was sheer overkill. I really hope it doesn’t get to where it’s interfering with my sleep and my daily life on a regular basis. If so, then I guess I’m going to have to face the music and get in to see a doctor. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to live on all kinds of medications and always having to go to the doctor, so I would probably just let myself go if I had anything terminal that was “too much work” to deal with.

But I do worry about Tom and what he may have to deal with. If I died, then that’s it for me, I’m dead. And it doesn’t really matter when I die since there will always be people and things I’ll miss. But if I died now, Tom would be looking at a good 30 years or so alone. I would hope that someone would come along and they could settle down together and carry on with the dream of going home, but if you’re single at his age, you probably always will be no matter how sweet you may be. At that age, you pretty much have to settle for whatever you can get (within reason) be it in person or online, but I don’t think he would ever try to get out and meet people. He’s less sociable than I am, and I’m no social butterfly myself. But this guy doesn’t even have a Facebook account and things like that.

In the end, I think I’ll be just fine, but if not, I’m glad I got to reunite with some old friends and acquaintances and that I found Rosa, Eileen, Maliheh, and was finally able to forgive my sister. While I may always be sorry for my part in what went wrong with Maliheh and I, I understand that the past can’t be changed and that she and I will probably always disagree on some things that happened, but that’s ok. We don’t always have to agree on everything. But for as long as I do live, I will be her friend in cyberspace, and even though it’s not mutual, I’m still glad I found her. And I hope she will finish our story if anything prevents me from doing so.

I sang for a half hour or so to give my lungs a good workout. I’m a trained contralto and some time I’ll record myself singing in both English and Spanish and then try to figure out how to embed it into my blog.

When Tom gets home (I still can’t believe he’s working) I’m going to make my third and final attempt to psych out tickets like I used to. The last one was one step away from a big winner.