Today was a classic example of how I don’t usually get the things I want, but I sure do a great job of getting what I don’t want. beats head Instead of hearing more from Nane, I got to hear from Marie instead. Argh! She tried to chat with me on Yahoo, but I blocked her.

Someone recently said I should be less forgiving. Well, I can’t exactly qualify for Miss Forgiving of the Century if I won’t forgive her, though it’s more that I don’t want to bother with her than that there’s anything to “forgive.”

She would complain about being alone, but as I quickly came to see, she’s alone because of how she is. Half a dozen times I went through the same cycle of shit with her, and had she stopped when she said she would, then we would still be in touch with each other today. But she didn’t and she was driving me crazy.

She told me a million times she loved me. But did she? Did she really? Or is she simply obsessed with whoever’s paying her the most attention at the moment?

Yeah, she probably did love me in her own way. And I’ll always love her back in some ways and I still think about her almost every day, too. But I can’t take the dozens of emails each day and the paranoid accusations if I don’t reply the instant she sends them!

She knew she had a problem, so she told me. But then why did she keep fucking up? Could her situation be like that of a smoker who knows they shouldn’t smoke and that it’s bad for them, but just can’t help themselves anyway?

I’d rather Nane or Maliheh email me twice as much every day! They wouldn’t automatically assume I was plotting against them and that I no longer gave a damn about them if I didn’t reply right away.

So I still feel the same – I’m sorry she was abused and has the illness she has. I do empathize with her and I know it’s not her fault. And maybe she really is powerless to help herself and control the way she is, even though she is in therapy and on medication. But that doesn’t mean I have to stick around and deal with it, does it?

So yeah, I’m still a bit of a selfish little ice princess after all, right or wrong.

I’m also frustrated at times, too. I have these urges and desires that can never be fulfilled and it gets old sometimes. I wish there were two of me like I was telling a friend earlier. I’d leave one of me here with Tom, my soul mate, and the other me would go out to play! I’d run over to Germany in a heartbeat if Nane would enjoy some company from my other self. And even though my other self would hope for more than just hanging out together, that other self would still be happy to hang with the tall, dark and lovely Nane!

I can just see some of you out there shaking your heads and muttering to yourselves, “I can’t believe this chick has the guts to bare her soul like this.” But yeah, I get horny at times too, and while I love my husband, we’re more like damn good friends as is usually the case with most long-term couples. Sex with the same person year after year gets to be too much like playing the same song over and over again no matter how good it may be. I could ask him to do me anytime I wanted, but just haven’t really cared to for a while now. It’s like I’d rather sit and wish for the impossible. beats head Maybe I’m crazier than Marie, LOL. Oh well, there are worse things in life than being sexually frustrated at times. Maybe that’s part of why I like writing stories; because then I can be and do anything I want, and go anywhere I want to go, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want to experience in real life what’s coming up in my current book!

What’s up with Maliheh lately? She made her first check of my blog at 6am her time yesterday morning. That’s early for her!

I sent Paul the second picture I downloaded of Nane that I’ve been drooling over and asked what he thought. He said she’s got great boobs and a cute nose, but her hands are odd. He says they’re powerful-looking with thick fingers. She also looks a bit scary and like she knows what she wants in life. I agree with all that he said, but I don’t know about the powerful, thick-fingered hands.

Even though I canceled my MySpace account (damn it) I can still look people up over there. Out of curiosity, I looked Nane up, and when I learned she recently turned 50 I nearly fainted with shock! I thought she was 10-15 years younger! Guess I ain’t lying when I say I’m attracted to older women, LOL. If I could create that other copy of myself, and if she was gay (or at least bi), she’d be perfect for me. Beautiful dark hair and eyes, 5’ 7” in height, another language lover – it doesn’t get much better than that! But I don’t know much about her. She could be a bitch for all I know (she smokes – yuck!), something else I seem to fall for a little too easily, LOL. She does look a bit intimidating in one of her pictures, but as I said, apparently that’s part of the turn-on for me.

She’s single, slender, and an atheist, too. And Nane, if you’re reading this and you don’t like my saying these things about you, let me know and I will edit it out and shut my mouth. :)

Got a message from Paula, who’s looking for a new job and still hopelessly trying to find Mr. Right. And I always tease her, of course, saying she just needs to change genders. That’s ok, I don’t exactly have it all together myself. Would I be blogging about lusting over someone in the East who probably hates me, and someone in Germany who’s probably as strictly dickly as Paula is if I did?