Today’s Nane’s 51st birthday. I hope she has a good one, whatever she’s doing, which I assume is working. Although she and I will never have the bond that I share with Tom and someone else, that woman is like a drug to me! She’s an addiction of sorts, LOL. I tell myself it’s pointless to bother with her but I just can’t seem to help myself. The way she simply “tolerates” me instead of really caring about me is enough to tell me I should move on, but it’s just not that easy. She says she’s busy and just isn’t into writing like I am, and maybe that’s true, but after a year of being friends with her, I honestly can’t think of any time she sent me a message on her own. They were all in response to something I sent her first. But if one year later I still have a crush on her, who knows how many more years it will go on, LOL? She’s just so damn hot!

Andy predicts she’ll dump me someday. That’s what I thought she’d do when we had our little disagreement a few months back, so we’ll see. I’m still not sure if she was deliberately playing with my head or if she was just joking, thus unknowingly confusing me and playing with my head.

Andy pointed out that if the Israelis nuke the Palestinians they would be nuking themselves, too. That’s true. He’s got a point there. I wasn’t thinking of that when I wrote my last entry. But I am thinking how horrible it will be once the terrorists get the technology in hand to nuke everyone because they wouldn’t hesitate to nuke themselves in order to nuke others. Some folks aren’t just mean, they’re crazy. The president of Iran has already said he’d love to bomb Israel even if it meant losing several million of his own because there’d still be enough people to sustain his warped population. Fucking Arabs! I hate ‘em all, I have absolutely NO problem whatsoever in saying so, and I don’t care how sensitive this country’s gotten as far as saying the slightest negative thing about a non-white. If you’re fucked up you’re fucked up no matter what/who you are.

Andy just emailed me saying he fell asleep around midnight, woke up a few hours later and discovered his lights on downstairs which he always turns off before bed. He said he went down, turned them off, went back upstairs and heard his door open and close minutes later. Two more minutes and he got up the nerve to go back downstairs. No lights on, but what did they do? he wonders. Poison his food?

He’s totally creeped out. I’d be scared too, and I don’t scare easily! Wonder if it could’ve been his mom. She lives next door. I could barely stay online long enough to reply before the connection cut out for the millionth time. As I told him, I’d tell him to call the pigs, but knowing how corrupt most of them are, scratched that idea. They’ve already given him enough shit just because he’s gay.

I was bummed out earlier not just because of how our lives are right now, but because the more we complain about our shitty internet service, the more they harass us and I’m now beyond thoroughly convinced we’ll NEVER have reliable service as long as we live here.

To add to my already shitty mood were the fucking dogs and again I wish someone would complain but know they won’t. I thought that being a Sunday night we could have some peace around here, so I turned off the sound machines around 9:00. Just minutes later, they started up, and I knew that if they were going off at that hour, they’d be at it till the wee hours of the morning and they still are even though it’s after 1am. I almost wish Jesse would complain about the rent splitting just so I could have a reason to really tear into his ass.

Not that it would do us any good since whoever filed the formal complaint that was filed on account of the dogs before we got here did them any good, but I wish I knew of a way to complain anonymously. After all this time I doubt he’d suspect us. But the courts would want to see both parties in court and they would want proof which would be hard to provide. I can’t go in there with a tape of all the barking because that could be made anywhere, anytime by anyone. And they can’t send someone from the courts to hang out with us for 6 hours once or twice a week when the little fuck takes off. Furthermore, all Jesse has to say is that when he’s not home there’s “nothing he can do about it,” as unrealistic and as untrue as I know that is. He doesn’t want to do anything about it. But sadly, it’s widely acceptable for those to cease to take responsibility for their dogs when they’re not home so long as they aren’t roaming loose or attacking anyone. Loose dogs and attacks are the only things one can do anything about around here. Barking and disturbing the peace is totally acceptable.

I was thinking of how Maliheh was asking me if I’d had any dreams of her having a heart attack or sleeping in her truck since she got into an argument with her landlord over her staying in the rental she’s in now. Yeah, I may’ve forgotten to mention that but I guess they had an agreement for her to stay a few more years, but now the asshole’s talking about selling. The point is that her concerns have me realizing that she doesn’t have anyone to support her any more than we do. She may have friends in a sense, but not true friends who really care and who would go out of their way for her like we would if she needed a place to go. I guess part of that may be her own doing since she is a loner and she is still a bitch, LOL, like it or not.

Later…

There are more people unemployed in the state of California than there are gays and lesbians. That’s pretty sad, ain’t it? And the scary dreams are starting up again too, but first I’ll cover the funny one. I don’t know what the hell brought this one on but instead of wishing Nane a happy birthday like I did in reality, I dreamt that I wrote on her wall: I hope every single lesbian in the city of Munich hits on you for your birthday.

LOL, remember she’s changed her story and is “not into women” even though her words have said otherwise, she had a one-nighter and liked it, and a belly dancer for her last birthday party. I’m used to being jerked around by women like her, though, and interestingly enough it’s never been the other way around. Meaning I’ve never had a woman I’ve been friends with for a while one day come out and tell me they more than like me. They only go from saying or seeming to more than like me to just liking me, LOL.

The dream was still kind of funny. I’ll have to use that line in a story somehow. I told Nane about it too, but in a private message of course. I don’t think she was on Facebook yesterday to get her wall full of birthday wishes. She must’ve gotten 20 of them! Why do I have a feeling I won’t even get as many as the drama queen got and that was about 10? And why do I have a stronger feeling that Nane won’t even care to be one of the 3 or 4 that do wish me a happy birthday? Oh, I almost can’t wait for my birthday. Just curious to see who really gives a damn.

Now for the less-than-thrilling dream. I was leaving Andy’s place in Springfield after visiting him. Then I was walking around Springfield (it sure looked like Springfield anyway) and didn’t seem to know Tom at all. Instead, I lived by myself in a two-story, two-bedroom place that may or may not have been attached to someone else. I entered this place which makes no sense for someone who’s supposed to be poor since it was kind of nice, and then I felt chilled. My first thought was to grab a sweater instead of turning up the heat, but then I decided to turn it up figuring my folks would help pay for it.

Then my mother called to tell me she talked to the “food stamp lady” and that she would be over any minute and so I should hurry up and finish whatever food was left in my kitchen.

“I have 3 cans of soup left. I can’t eat 3 cans of soup at once, ma,” I told her.

“Then hide a couple of cans in the bathroom or something. The number of food stamps you get will be determined by what’s in your kitchen.”

LOL, another ridiculous dream in that that’s not the way they determine food subsidy amounts, but still, it makes me wonder if perhaps something’s trying to remind me that I’m always going to be stuck in the past no matter how hard I try to jump into the future.

When I’m in a good mood I feel blessed for many reasons. But when I’m in a bad mood (which seems to be too often these days) I feel singled out, cursed, picked on and punished in just about every way imaginable.

Tom and I were talking last night about why he thinks our lives will get better and why I don’t think they will. I listed off my shortcomings and bad experiences which make me feel all the more like a freak and a bit of a fluke of nature, but as funny as this may sound, a part of me is glad I had the miscarriage I had during the summer of ’98. Not just because a kid would’ve been a horrible addition to our lives and I came to really value my freedom being the selfish bitch I can be, but because I just might feel all the more like a freak had I never been able to conceive in the first place.

The odds of having this kind of sleep disorder alone are one in thousands. Forget about the deformed/deaf ear, the husband who couldn’t always function in bed, the driving phobia and all the other shit I went through and still am going through. So that alone can make me really wonder just what the hell’s up there that thinks I’m such a worthless and undeserving piece of shit.

While guys tend to be pickier about a woman’s appearance, women tend to be pickier about personality and what kinds of problems one may have. No wonder so few women wanted me! And the few that did were flat outa their minds themselves. I hate to say it for I know it may sound horribly judgmental, paranoid and even discriminate, but if some woman came out and told me they had feelings for me the first thing that would cross my mind is – what’s wrong with her? Is it drugs? Or is she just nuts? I know it wouldn’t be fair of me to do that, but I can only think of a few women that like/liked me that didn’t have any faulty wiring. One’s sort of in the east, the others were corrections officers, LOL.

But Marie, Brenda, Linda – they were all on drugs or suffering some kind of mental illness. Kacey wasn’t a skitzo or on drugs, but I think it’s safe to say that that’s why she dumped me, LOL. There also isn’t a damn thing wrong with those I like that don’t like me back (in that way), though I also realize I’m attracted to a certain type of woman. Bitches who aren’t mean or abusive but who aren’t afraid to take a stand for themselves and speak their minds.

At the same time 99.9% of the women that like me are out of their minds, I can’t help but wonder how the hell I got so damn lucky as to nab a guy like Tom. They may have different standards and expectations, but learning that I could get someone after all who was both sane and smart, even if it was a guy, was a real boost for my self-esteem.

Anyway, something needs to be done about both our internet provider and about Jesse, but I just don’t know what yet. Those dogs didn’t shut up till 3am and I don’t think anyone’s been living there at least over the weekend. Tom said he didn’t hear the motorcycle for two days and there’s no way he wouldn’t ride the damn thing in this weather. I think the dogs only shut up when they did not because he came home but because they just got too tired to keep on barking. It’d be like a person shouting for 6 hours. But someone needs to make him take responsibility for the damn things even when he’s out. Hours and hours of barking once or twice a week is just ridiculous. It’s rude, it’s inconsiderate, and it totally defeats part of the purpose we escaped the city in the first place.

I should find out any minute now if I’m going to be in for 6 hours of barking tonight or not. If so then I’ll have to blast the sound machines and skip out on tonight’s language studies as well since I need a quiet background to do them in.

I’m still doing the silent read-through of my story and going as fast as I can. Too much time off between readings can lead to inconsistencies in one’s story. Mitch (Paul) was laughing when I said I found an error right off the bat in someone’s age. He said he knows what that’s like. One of his characters got the prior day’s events backward, LOL. In a few days, I will run the story through the electronic reader as the barking permits.

We finally got the $500 I won and can now fill up our propane tank, but I’m really wondering if I’m going to win anything good again. All I’ve been winning lately is piddly crap or shit I can’t use.

And what if my dream of him landing a job next month is wrong? After all, the good dreams are always hit or miss.