Although it will probably take me forever, I’m going to try to catch up on the last few days after the both of us suffered through one of the worst illnesses we’ve ever had since meeting each other nearly 20 years ago. Damn, was that one seriously aggressive flu! I haven’t been that sick in over a decade. I’m not used to being sick, period. Since I quit smoking all I’ve had, for the most part, was ear and teeth pain and allergies.

Before I get into it let me go back and print a little retraction. I wasn’t quite right in saying that Andy treated a homeless woman to dinner, so he told me. She actually had an apartment. She just didn’t have a man to support her and her kids. Well, unless she’s disabled, she better hope to find a good-paying job because most women still get better support from a 5-year-old bra than a man.

Another thing is that I had to stop the Alli because that “bug bite” turned out to be an outbreak of hives. I have 3 big nasty raised red bumps on my inner right forearm that are sort of similar in size and shape to Cheerios, plus a smaller one on my stomach and one on my jaw. They itch like crazy and one is oozing. I don’t think they’re infected, though. The first one I got that I thought was a bug bite seems to be healing. It mentioned on the bottle to stop taking the pills if you experience itching but never said anything about bullous bumps, rashes or acne. Sure enough, though, when I checked online, I found others complained of the same side effect, but mostly on the face.

So once again Jodi gets punished for trying to find something to help her help herself lose weight. Being sick has taken over where the Alli left off and now I’m 143 pounds. I wanted to get to 110 but would have settled for 120. Instead, I’m going to end up at 300 if my metabolism gets any slower. Oh well. How often do I get what I want in life?

Because I’ve been too sick to write I may not remember all the details, but if I ever wished Tom and I had a nurse or someone helping us out it was when we were sick. Fortunately, though, he was a day ahead of me, so I was able to help him before the worst of it hit me, and he was able to help me, too. Surviving the storm together makes me so grateful to know we have each other for things like this. It would’ve been a million times worse to have to go through it alone. He is the most wonderful, most amazing person on earth!

He woke up sick Friday morning. Saturday night, I think it was, as I was falling asleep I noticed I had a tickle in my throat and began to cough, too. But I was too tired to drag my ass up out of bed to scald my throat with hot tea or something. Sure enough, I woke up the next day with a sore throat, and a bad cough and was achy as hell. After I showered and scorched my throat with hot coffee I thought I would be okay. Wrong! As I’ve learned, I can will away colds, but not flues. Just like Tom, I became so weak and all I wanted to do was sleep or just lay in bed. I could barely eat and my lungs were so congested. I had a bit of wheezing but the worst part was definitely the cough. Oh, how it hurt like hell to cough! Every time I coughed it would feel like a cat reached down my throat and clawed at it and tasted just awful. It was horrible. I couldn’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time and whenever I’d manage to pull myself up out of bed to try to do things, I’d be exhausted within 20 minutes and would have to lie back down again. Both of us had fevers of up to 101°, but I didn’t have the runs like Tom did. He called out of work on Monday. Fortunately, he has tons of time off. Tomorrow he’ll be taking off so we can both go to the eye doctor.

Just when I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever feel human again, my throat and cough began to improve yesterday, and today’s the first time I’m able to be up and about for a little longer, even if it means getting my period a week early (yeah, I’ve had one screwy cycle lately). I even did a load of laundry and am airing the place out a bit. My head is still stuffed up so badly that it’s dulled my sense of taste, smell and sound. Yesterday I had allergy-like symptoms with a stuffy nose and sneezing, but most of this flu was in the throat and lungs. It was one long, hard road! Even the rats were worried about me. I was afraid they’d catch what we had and die, but they’ve proven once again just how tough rats really are, something I love about them that most people hate, and that’s the fact that rats are one seriously tough animal to beat down! Sugar was wheezing a bit, though. When I finally felt well enough to go near them, they were all happy and ran up to me as if to say, “Yay! Mom’s back!” I hated to neglect them for those few days, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I let them run around loose a bit this morning. When I get more of my strength back, they’ll be out and about as usual.

We usually do our weekly grocery shopping on the weekends, but since we were sick, it got delayed. Tom decided to try this service Raley’s has where you load up your cart online and they gather up what you want in the store. Then you go and pick it up and pay. He loved it. They were super-fast, too. I figured the person gathering the items would be some 18-year-old kid that’d fuck up half the order, but nope. They substituted a couple of similar items that they were out of, but they did a great job. It’s free for orders of over $100, so maybe we’ll do this more often.

This is the longest I’ve gone without working out and when I finally do get the strength to return to it I’m going to feel so out of shape. :(

Jesse came down to get some chain from his shit pile. I opened the door to see what he was up to and when he spotted me he said hello and asked if everything was okay. I told him we’d been really sick with the flu and he said he heard it was nasty. He heard right!

Despite the dreams and vibes that said big changes were coming in April I don’t see how we can possibly be moving that soon. Too many setbacks. There’s just one thing after another after another. Tom still thinks we will, but I really wonder if something is either trying to stop us from making a mistake that’d make us miserable or if it’s trying to prevent us from something good. Nothing up there usually cares to look out for us, so I guess it’s trying to hold us here to block us from something good. That’s what it feels like right now anyway.

The good news is that Tom’s cold is mild and he has the whole weekend off. The bad is that he’ll need to spend it fixing his heel. Don’t worry, I told him, I know something up there is just trying to hold us back and keep us from moving. I told him months ago to expect all kinds of curveballs to be thrown at us. Unless God decides to drop a meteor on our heads, we WILL get out of here someday. It’s just going to be another year or two. For now, while I dread the next plumbing problem, I enjoy what I will no longer be able to enjoy once we do move – looking out the windows and seeing nothing but nature.

Anyway, Tom’s heel has been hurting him with the way they’ve been working him to death for so long. He needs to get a foot massager (I’ve always wanted one of those anyway), Epson salts, and new insole inserts for his shoes.

Now to bitch about my side effects and tech issues. The Alli’s side effects have finally caught up to me and I’ve had a yellow, oily substance in my number twos and slight staining on my undies. It’s harmless but annoying. I won’t buy any more Alli, though, once this bottle’s gone because I’m not going to lose any more weight.

I am so fed up with various website tech issues (especially on Facebook) that I realize that the fewer accounts I have, the fewer headaches. I can’t do anything anywhere without problems. If any account of mine is going next it’s definitely Facebook. I’m tired of all their changes as well as my messages and friend requests that don’t go through. Now some people can’t even see the things I post on their walls, so I’ve learned. It’s like I can only use some of the sites some of the time. Only problem is that if we really ever do move and we have a normal connection again, and if I ever do return to sweeping, I’m going to need a Facebook account because most sweeps are conducted there. That’s the way it was last time I was sweeping anyway.

Gosh, Tom’s cough sounds awful, the poor guy.

Anyway, nothing I’ve done on Facebook is against their TOS, so I know I’m not being blocked from sending messages and friend requests, and I know it’s not only me that’s had this problem. Besides, some messages won’t even go through to friends. But how am I supposed to try to connect with old friends or people like Jan if I can’t get through to them??? It’s frustrating as hell! Also, the site is running so damn slow that that alone is making me not want to use it.

One of my dreams in life was to sue someone if I couldn’t win a lot of money. Well, I got an email about a class action suit against FB. Apparently, I was featured in a Sponsored Story. I don’t know what “story” of mine they featured. Something I liked or shared, I guess. I first thought the claim had been filed due to a breach of privacy, but I guess that instead, it had to do with FB profiting off of stories. Hey, I always did say I felt like I was put here to make other people money and not myself. Like I said, I always wanted to sue someone or some company for big bucks, though this is anything but big bucks. It’d only be up to $10 if I choose to file (and I do) but if too many people file claims, the 20 mil FB set aside for this latest fuck-up of theirs goes to charity. I’m still going to file against their asses anyway. Those sponsored stories and suggested pages forced into my news feed sure are annoying as hell and this was why I left Twitter. Too much shit was being thrown at me that I didn’t want to see. If I want to like pages or read stories, I’ll do it myself.

I don’t know yet if I’m going to dump my FB account or not, but if I do I’ll let my closest friends know and make sure they have my newest email addy…until that one starts returning whatever I sent from it, too.

That’s another thing that’s weird and I don’t know if someone’s fucking with me or if it’s just the usual cyber glitches, but when mail.com returns some of my mail, they say my IP is blocked. But I accidentally sent a message to a friend that went through, and Tom sent me a message. Well, he’s got the same IP, so I don’t get this. Usually, when they block an IP it’s cuz of spam or phishing. But can’t they see that I only send emails to the same few people? I would have noticed if my account had been taken over by a spammer for a while, so I don’t know what to think. I’m just so frustrated that I wonder if just my other email addy and my blogs are all I should have account-wise. It seems the more I try to do online, the more headaches it brings.

Another thing that frustrated me was not being able to remember login info to our bank account so I could add that info to the claim form I started filing online. sighs I almost miss the good old days when life was simpler! For now, I guess I’m going to have to change my existing accounts using mail.com to my other addy, then I’ll shut the bouncing account down.

Just heard from a friend of mine and now I’m yet another step closer to shutting down on FB. Not just due to the glitches, but it’s getting kind of scary there. The latest scam is to set up accounts in people’s names, using their profile pics. Then they add their friends and beg for money. It looks like one of my online besties had that done to her. I friended an account I thought was hers that I was in the “suggested friends” section, but she says she only has one account. I can’t find that account, but I did find another one. I sent her the link. I’ll check for my name regularly so that if someone sets up an account in my name using my info I can report it ASAP.

One has major balls to do this to someone working with the FBI. Goes to show how much they either don’t know right from wrong or simply don’t give a shit what kind of trouble they get their asses in. Impersonating a pig is a serious offense. Impersonating an FBI employee online is no less serious. What’s the matter with people???

A quick reminder before I go. Just because I’m “getting along” with some people doesn’t mean we’re buddies. It just means we’re not having any problems. Period. This also means I would prefer it if you didn’t read my journal even though it’s public, and would like to ask that you please move on. There’s nothing here that should interest you. If you’ve come to see if maybe your name has been mentioned, you’re going to be disappointed. Unless you’re reading backdated entries I’m posting on other sites, but even then you may still be disappointed. Just please move on is all I ask. I can block IPs from my blogs altogether but would like to give people a chance to not visit it on their own before I resort to that.

Tom just got up and is still tired and hungry after 14 hours of sleep. He’s pretty sure he has the flu. He said people were getting sick like crazy at work and dropping like flies. Well, I hope that’s all it is cuz if my husband ever gets seriously ill due to being overworked by that place, I’m going after that company and the people running it. Yes, I just made a genuine threat. So sue me. :)

Later…

My two favorite men, my sister and myself aren’t doing the greatest right now. Tom’s been sleeping a whopping 17 hours due to this flu, only waking twice to eat, pee and drink. If his wife didn’t have a driving phobia she could do the grocery shopping. Tom has never complained, has always accepted me as I am and even said he’s kind of glad I don’t do the shopping regularly cuz I’d be tempted to overspend, but I still feel helpless at times. Oh well. I have what I have and I suppose it’s useless to beat myself up for it. I do my best and contribute in ways that are within my means. My mother (and others) were always quick to condemn me where my shortcomings were concerned and made like they were their problem as well, so I really appreciate people like Tom who love and accept me as I am. I can’t give you a ride, but I’ll tell you what those signs mean if we’re ever in Mexico, Puerto Rico, Spain, Argentina and places like that. Even some in Italy, Brazil and Germany.

Andy wants to get the hell out of Phoenix and never return. As I always said, good things have a way of coming to an end, and Phoenix sure did just that. The whole damn state did. He’s having trouble breathing and feeling let down by “friends.” He at least got to enjoy the warmer weather and was even nice enough to help a homeless woman out by buying her dinner. She didn’t seem to be on drugs or anything. Yeah, as my husband and I proved for a while 6 years ago, not all homeless people are lazy druggies or alkies. Some of them are just getting their asses whipped by the short end of the stick that is too often in the hands of society, fate and God. Well, we may’ve been a victim of the worst economic crisis in the US since the Great Depression for nearly half a decade, but we WILL get out of here someday even though something evil is determined to hold us back. A few setbacks and you figure it’s just life. More than a few and you start to wonder. Like maybe we ARE home. Maybe this is home at least until he retires and maybe THIS is where we’re meant to be. Only we’d kind of like to be where WE want to be, thank you.

My sister’s still upset over having to take oxygen and said that Walter’s going to be emailing me. Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ve heard this before. I just want to actually get an email from him! I know he’s done a great job and that doesn’t make me any less appreciative, but I just want to get this done and over with, even if we might not be able to get what we want home-wise no matter how much money we have saved.

We got approved for the credit card we don’t even want, but that’ll help us establish credit. I still worry we’ll just be going from one dump to another but if that dump can be ours, then it’s a better kind of a dump. I don’t see how it could be quite as dumpy as this thing, though. Cali parks don’t even allow mobile homes this old or in this condition. They can be ugly, but they can’t be dumps. Exterior doors like this, bathrooms like this…no fucking way. They inspect everything that’s brought in there and if you even so much as thought of bringing a trailer like this in there they’d laugh you out faster than fast. They want them built like homes, not traditional trailers. But I still don’t expect to have that much more space or niceness.

Every time I find something that I’m sooo sure will get these extra 20 pounds off, it proves to be a bust. I’m sick of this constant failure with diet and exercise! I work out hard, I watch what I eat, but I never seem to lose more than 5 pounds. I’m naturally heavy due to muscle mass, but I still have more fat to lose. Nonetheless, it seems that 145 is as low as I can go. Time to seriously consider seeing a doctor about what’s keeping the weight on. Diet and exercise with or without Alli should equal more than a 5-pound loss. Or maybe I jumped a pound in water. My boobs are getting sore which is a sign of water retention, and if all is back to normal with my cycle, I’m 12 days away from a period. Seems a bit soon, though, to start getting watery, though I often do.

If I absolutely had to go back in time and keep two subjects out of my blogs it would be any medical and legal issues I’ve had. Hearing people tell me my sleep issue is an excuse to be lazy gets old, and having people defend my perps all in the name of color is unfuckingbelievably insulting as hell. Anyone who knows me knows that if I didn’t really want to work or did something to someone I shouldn’t have done, I’d come out and say so. What can anyone do to me for it, come beat me up? Hey, I’m too lazy to clean the bathroom right now even though I should. Gonna come kick my ass for it? So my point is that I probably won’t divulge any further medical problems I might have in the future. That way people can spare themselves the self-flattery of thinking that I think they have some kind of power over me that could harm me lest I tell the “truth.”

One thing I’m definitely guilty of is being stupid. I mean really stupid! Marie left a comment (saying it makes you wonder, LOL) on my entry where I was wondering who the hell I was talking about missing after a year, and then I realized I had counted the years wrong and it was actually her I was referring to. Duh! She really has changed a lot, though, just like she said.

I noticed I’m getting more “likes” on my MyOpera posts from non-FB friends. Wonder who all the “likers” are?

Interesting dreams last night. My parents were still alive and my sister, nieces and myself were all visiting them. Mom pulled me aside and said it would really cheer Dad up if we could all spend some time with him cuz he was to be spending the next two months in jail, though I don’t know what for. Then I was helping to manage someone’s store (Jan’s?). Love how I can always keep schedules in dreams. Then it occurred to me that Dad would be in custody by now and that I simply couldn’t picture him locked up in a jail cell. I wondered if I should call the jail to see how he was doing.

Tom just got up and might have another cold. Geez, again? :( They better mean it this time when they say the OT is going to back off! Then again, everyone’s sick now except for me. He could kill it, though, if he’d just listen to me and burn his throat with the hottest liquid he can stand. When a cold starts in the throat, that’s the time to kill it.

Molly updated her blog about how tired she is, but no one left any comments. I noticed that Jackie S is following Aly on FB. Wonder if she knows this and how she feels about it.

I feel both sad and glad for my buddy vacationing in Phoenix, Arizona. I guess it’s okay to mention this, but he can always tell me if he wants anything edited out. I think it’ll be okay, though, cuz I’m not mentioning anything personal. Just that while he’s enjoying the weather there, he’s been bored and saddened by the lack of Latinos in light of the new laws there, and how so many businesses, homes and apartments are empty. Also, there are still beggars and cops everywhere. Ugh, I remember that! Downtown Sacramento has its share of beggars as does any major city, but I remember the pigs being everywhere I would look when I’d be out and about and how it was anything but a fun reminder for one who’d been run through the wringer by a bunch of white/Jew-hating corruptos. It was about a 20-minute drive to pick up our mail at the PO and we’d be lucky if we didn’t pass half a dozen cruisers on the way to and from the place, and this was out in the middle of nowhere! In the city, you couldn’t go a block without spotting the corrupt little turdballs.

Someone once said I’d love them if I had to call on them for an emergency. Oh really? I’m not so sure about that cuz wouldn’t I automatically be disbelieved if a black person went to attack me that cried racism and said I attacked them when it was really just me defending myself? Wouldn’t I somehow be blamed if I were raped and told that if I’d just worn my dress a little longer or not been at a particular place it wouldn’t have happened? So no, I doubt I’d have much love for any cop, most of which are high on abuse and power and not the “serve and protect” idea. Hey, none of them are going to enter the academy and say, “I’m really here to act macho and act out my aggression and to speed even when I’m not chasing anyone” and shit like that.

Anyway, the emptiness there is mostly the economy. As for the Latinos, I don’t have much sympathy there cuz many were/are illegals that drain our resources. Especially from those that truly need help. The drug cartel was killing off both civilians and cops like they were merely stepping on bugs, and in general, they just weren’t any real asset to the area. People don’t want to hear this, though, no matter how much the statistics are right there in their faces. Say bad things about whites, Jews and gays, however, and they’re all ears. There are still a lot of hard-working Latinos out there and it’s sad to see the lazy ones who resort to crime and welfare make them look bad.

So, while losing our home there ended up being a good thing due to the dangers from the cartel and old enemies, the taking of our home is one thing I’ll never forgive God for. That and the legal abuse were basically the final straw where God was concerned.

I have a friend that’s trying to conceive right now. She and her husband are so sweet and would be excellent parents. But they are a prime example of God’s cruelty and life’s injustices and unfairness with all the trouble they’ve been having. Meanwhile, I still see mean, crazy druggies having no problem at all. She wonders if God has some other plan for her. Well, she can tell herself this if it makes her feel better, but it’s her life, so shouldn’t she be the one to plan it? And what if it’s not for some “better” plan but actually a punishment? God truly seems to punish good and reward evil. Makes me wonder if I’d have spent half a decade cramped in someone’s trashy old trailer if I’d had kids I’d abused, beat the shit out of people, robbed people, and done all kinds of horrible things I know I could never do.

Later…

Something bit me a couple of days ago and it itches like hell. Can’t figure out what it is. No bite has ever annoyed me this long and my anti-itch cream has been worthless.

I’m more worried about Tammy. The autoimmune deficiency disease she has causes her to have trouble breathing and she blacked out the other night for the first time, scaring both Mark and herself and was at the hospital undergoing testing. I guess some oxygen company is to be delivering oxygen to her. Nothing I’ve read says what she’s got is deadly, but if she dies I’m going to really start fearing for my life after losing my parents and brother in the same year! What a frustrating way to live, as she said. I remember back when I smoked and had to be rushed to the ER with all those asthma attacks just how terrifying it could be. A couple of times I wondered if I was going to make it, but I never blacked out. At least I don’t think I did.

I feel bad for Andy too, cuz he’s having trouble breathing as well in Arizona with all the pollution down there. I remember that all too well, as I told him. I stopped wheezing after quitting smoking but always had a tightness that remained until we left the damn state altogether.

It put a smile on my face to think of Tom and I enjoying the new house and the rats running around playing in it. They love running up and down the space between the slider and vertical blinds, so if we have such a thing in the new place, the neighbors are really going to be in for quite a surprising sight, LOL. I just hope it doesn’t take much longer and that it really does work out and we’re as happy as we think we’ll be there. I don’t expect any place to be perfect, but I hope it isn’t bustling with too much activity in the daytime. We’ll finally be in a place where we’ll be able to stream movies and so many other things we couldn’t do for so long and I’ll want to do it without the annoying background distractions. My biggest concern is being able to sleep.

Yesterday I was feeling kind of down and out just thinking of life’s injustices and unfairness. While my parents once thought of ways to spend money that could’ve helped me, I had to spend a half-hour trying to figure out how to make room for a fan. Just one lousy fucking fan. Yeah, we ordered another stand fan for the bedroom. Besides, we’ll only need them when we move cuz if any of the rooms there have a ceiling fan it will probably only be the living room.

Still, some people have beautiful homes yet will complain if one single carpet fiber is out of place while my husband works his ass off all day just to come home to this dump. He may not be the complainer I tend to be, but it still saddens and angers me nonetheless. Life is so backward so much of the time – people struggle to conceive while others run for abortions. People fight to live while others throw their lives away. People who would love to work but can’t while others laze around on welfare that are capable of working.

We really ended up with a great pair of rats. They may not care much for Tom, especially Romeo, but they’re fun, playful, friendly and smart. They were off to a dumb start, but they’ve learned their names and other things as well, a reminder that rats really are teachable and can figure things out on their own as well. Sugar’s getting to be a bit of a mama’s boy when they’re out, LOL, nestling up with me and climbing all over me. He loves to explore and playfully bounces around the place, then he runs up to me for attention and burrows in the folds of my robe. They’re going to miss this thing in the summer! They’re copying my schedule a bit more these days too, staying up later in the mornings as I roll onto days. They didn’t crash till after 8am today. They’re naturally nocturnal, though, so I can’t expect them to stay up all day.

Facebook is at its worst ever with the glitches and it’s driving me crazy! The site is not only running in slow motion for me but there are still issues with sending/receiving messages and friend requests. I looked these issues up in their help section and it says that if you’ve sent friend requests that have gone unanswered or you’ve sent too many messages or spam or anything considered unwelcome contact, they can block you for a few hours to a few days from sending messages to non-friends and also friend requests. But it’s been way longer than just a few days and none of this applies to me so I would think FB would tell me if they were going to block me from some of their features, and it isn’t just me that’s experiencing this problem. What I don’t get is why the assholes won’t fix it!

Anyway, I probably should’ve said this yesterday when I shared the interview with Bill Cosby, but the only thing I disagree with is how he made it sound like all women have lots of “husbands” or men with the kids they have. Yes, fewer people are marrying, fewer people are having kids, fewer marrieds are having kids, more kids are being born to singles, and this is a trend we’ve been on since the 90s. But to me it isn’t one’s marital status that matters, it’s THEM that matters. I’d rather be born to one loving parent than two abusive ones. Who wouldn’t?

But not all moms are single by choice and I don’t think it’s fair to blame the woman if daddy runs as soon as he finds out she’s expecting, as is a very common occurrence. Statistically, most men don’t want the responsibility of children. They either don’t want to compete for the woman’s attention, don’t like the idea of smelly diapers – whatever – but if a man’s going to be dumb enough not to insist on BC if he doesn’t want kids, or goes and tells the woman what she may want to hear just to get her in bed, how is it the woman’s fault when she finds out he really didn’t want kids and that’s why he ran? It’s getting increasingly difficult to find a man who will not only be faithful but who truly wants kids. So that’s the one thing I can’t fully agree with Bill on. Some moms are single by choice, but some aren’t.

Later…

Just read the following paragraph in my journal in Word dated 1/24/11 that reads:

I’ve been missing her lately. No, not her. And not Nane either. The other her. I’ve thought of her every day since we stopped talking, but lately, I’ve been missing her more than usual and more than I ever thought I would. I’d just like to respect her wishes and not mention her name even if some people may be able to put two and two together and figure out who she is. But yeah, I miss her at times. I know, however, that to go back in time would be to start a whole new round of trouble. Trouble I don’t need. I have absolutely no reason, no matter what I may be told, to believe anything would be different now than it was a year ago. So I’d rather just miss her, wonder how she’s doing and hope she’s doing well. It’s easier that way.

But missing who? I have no idea who the hell I’m talking about. I know I’m not talking about Marie, Nane or my southeastern buddy. So who then?

Molly hasn’t updated her blog, but she did go in and delete comments and she did peek in on me. Until she makes an update, I can’t say for sure if Kim’s been scared off by my contacting her sister or not. I still think that if I returned to Ask, so would she. It’s hard to scare the crazy. If you have no sense of right from wrong, don’t think you’ll be caught or don’t care, why would you worry?

For an instant, I thought of having Kathy casually ask Kim how she’s been just to see what she may say, but I don’t want to get Kathy involved and I know Kim’s likely to lie about what she says anyway.

We’ll believe it when we see it, but supposedly they’re going to really back off on the OT at work. If they could do that and throw Tom on second shift, it would really help with getting a place and getting out of here unless something up there is so damn against us that no one will take us anywhere. I still think we can get a dump in a dumpier park.

Tried to call my Italian Dad yesterday morning, but one number was out of service and the house number just rang. He’s 84. I learned that much when looking up the numbers on Zabasearch. If I end up unable to get a hold of him I’ll send another letter in time.

Still no meaningful dreams lately, but they’re not as negative. Just a bunch of junk dreams that couldn’t possibly be signs of anything to come. These spam dreams are often just quick snippets of this and that – sleeping on a coil spring mattress that has coils poking through at me. Silvery moonlight glinting off of spider webs on grassy areas outdoors. Trying to convince some woman in her late 60s to let me move in with her by assuring her the 52-inch TV I won (that’s really a 32-inch) would look great on her living room wall. Letting a 6-year-old girl “beat” me up by practicing the karate moves she learned on me.

Tom still thinks we’re moving in April and that my dreams and vibes that suggested this are “reasonable.” To me, it still feels like we’ll never get out of here.

I’ve been neglecting the stories I know I said I’d get on with finishing or at least expanding, but I’ve been rather busy. I had to smile when my good Pakistan friend deactivated her Ask account because I did, LOL. I appreciate the loyal fan that she has become.

I re-opened my blogs (I will not pick up or respond to messages on MD) for two reasons. One is that Facebook is still running slower than molasses for me for some reason, so I don’t want to spend much time there. Two is because I don’t see that it could hurt anything if people can read my stuff but can’t make me “accidentally” interact with them like they can on Ask. So if my re-opening of my blogs has sparked any hope in you that I’ll reactivate on Ask, sorry, but I’m not going to do so anytime soon. For now, I’d like to stick to sites where I’m harder to contact and I have a better idea of who’s who and what’s going on.

Later…

Nothing from Kim on FB or MD, the only places she could message me. I think the real test will be when Molly updates her own blog. Kim almost always leaves comments. If she’s not using her blog to insult others, she’s using it to try to befriend Molly. Just like Molly, Kim seems to like to try to win over those who don’t care about her. Can’t tell if she’s reading my blogs since she likes to hide from my tracker, but my guess is she’s checking in every day. Same with Ask, to see if I’ve reactivated.

Andy had me laughing like crazy yesterday on FB in regards to one of Nane’s posts on my wall where she sends me an ersatz haus (replacement house) since we couldn’t get that other one. He said that maybe Nane could buy me one with her street fight wins since we’d joke about her going to have fun fighting in these other countries that seem to live for fighting. We’ll find out next month, cuz my German hottie’s going to TR for a week. Aber das Haus war mein Traumhaus wenn nur sehr groß!

The rats were so funny yesterday. Both of them were out playing with us in the morning before Tom left for work. They’re so damn cute, though Romeo still isn’t overly fond of Tom.

Tom says he’s “almost sure” we’ll be giving notice in March and explained why he thought this. I see where he’s coming from, but it still seems a bit soon, even though my dreams have been saying we were in for a big change in April. Then again, if we just take the damn dump we were meant for, we could be out of here even sooner than that! It’s okay. Really, it is. I’m used to living poorly and that “dump” will be OURS and we can fix it up the way WE want. This is because I realize that no matter how much money we save, our credit is always going to be an issue cuz we’re A, not going to borrow money because we don’t want to borrow money and we don’t need to borrow money, and B, we’re not going to pay off those trying to scam us. I’m not without compassion. I would still lose money to help a friend in need that I know would do the same for me. And I’m not greedy either. I would share some things with those I know and trust. But I do draw the line at letting those with ill intentions profit at our expense.

I read this interview with Bill Cosby and I couldn’t agree with this guy more about the way people talk today, especially blacks! It IS about behavior and not color, and it IS a shame people can’t speak proper English. It seems all races are actually getting sloppier and sloppier with their English, though, and not just blacks. Maybe it’s just the writer in me that notices these things, and I know that some people aren’t the greatest typists and find it easier to abbreviate and make shortcuts when typing as even I sometimes do, but it is so damn annoying to have to read so many messages and comments 5 times over just so I can understand what the hell they’re saying. The way so many people talk and write today is a shame and I’m truly embarrassed for many of them. Don’t they realize or even care just how dumb and immature they appear? People have taken being creative and unique to extremes that are getting to be a bit overkill. Anyhoo, dat, dis, aks… those aren’t real words. At least not in the English language. I say, talk right, folks! The way we write says so much about us. In most cases, it may not matter what others think and no one’s perfect of course, but if I were submitting job applications, manuscripts or looking to date mature, intelligent people, I wouldn’t want to come off like a 1st grader. I have no problem with unique names and old traditions dying out (like how most parents are single and most marrieds don’t have kids these days), but let’s speak English unless we mean to speak some other language altogether!

Nane and Irene are connected again. I didn’t think that after 30 years they’d stay away from each other forever.

My craziest niece (Lisa) is now 30, and I still haven’t heard from Jan. She doesn’t appear to have been around since the 16th, but who knows for sure?

Surprisingly, Kim didn’t comment to me through Molly’s blog and because Ellington, CT didn’t show up on my tracker list, I’m thinking it was Kim’s sister that was the hit from there and not Kim. If it were Kim she’d be showing up every day. Still, if Molly knows about my LJ blog, then so does Kim. Therefore, I’m not going to update it with current stuff.

I sprung the Justin account to life on Ask, curious to see if either troll would ask anything and they didn’t. I’m surprised. I wonder if Kim’s silence there and on Molly’s blog had anything to do with me complaining to her sister. It’s amazing how one sister can be so fit and successful and married with kids while the other is a fat mental case on disability and forever hopelessly single.

I would’ve done this entry sooner, but yesterday I was too tired, then I was too busy, and then my allergies just had to go off. Why are they acting up at this time of year? I’m guessing cuz it’s been warmer? The heat of the afternoon has been messing with my sleep, but I’m always too lazy to get up and crack a window. Oh, to have a house with a normal roof instead of this tin bullshit, and to have your standard 4” walls and an AC for when I’m not up to open windows. It seems like the only times the weather doesn’t mess with my sleep here is in the dead of summer when the windows have to always be open for the swamp cooler to work, or in the dead of winter.

I hope whoever we end up next to has an AC and doesn’t leave their windows open all the time. I don’t want to have to hear their mutts from indoors when they run up to open windows to bark at people walking by or smell their cigarette smoke.

I worried that if we didn’t get out of here soon enough, another crisis would occur and we’d be the ones to have to deal with it. Well, sure enough, I noticed the water pressure was low at around 2am and had to wake Tom up nearly an hour early to check for leaks outside. I’m so sick of him having to lose sleep for someone else’s old shit! And why do things have to break at the end of my day?

But there were no visible leaks outside. So he waited and called up to Jesse at 6:00. It turns out that a flap didn’t close right in his toilet and so that’s why it started draining the tanks. Next time maybe he’ll know to check this when he goes to empty that ass or the old hotdog. This is when I resolved to get out of here ASAP. I’m sick to death of all the problems here and not sleeping well in the daytime!!! Even if the weather is perfect for sleeping, in the back of my mind I know he may come down for whatever and I’m sick of it! Sick of the well (those are always an issue), sick of him, sick of his mutts, sick of the lack of space, sick of the internet, sick of everything! I don’t care anymore where we go so long as it’s not attached to anyone. Tom’s adamant about doing it right so we don’t swap in one problem for another, but I already know and figure I won’t sleep well in a park during the daytime either. Too much traffic coming and going. Most people come and go several times a day and they have company at least a few times a week, too. Delivery trucks, service trucks, trash trucks… I already know this will be an issue. It pretty much has to be in a place that houses that many people that close. But it will be ours and it will be bigger, and I’m sure I’ll sleep just fine at night. Besides, if it got to be overkill in any way we could add special padding under the bedroom carport that acts as a shock absorber. I can play the sound machine loud enough to drown out most sounds so long as no mutts are literally right outside the window or screaming kids that visit, but the vibration of all the car door slamming could very well be an issue.

Someday. Someday I won’t walk up to the sink and wonder if there’ll be any pressure when I turn it on. Someday I won’t take showers that smell like bleach half the time. Someday we will escape this bummery and our home will match us, so to speak, in that we will have what two people who work as hard as they can and to the best of their ability, truly deserve. God can’t hold us back forever. I won’t let Him. This doesn’t mean He won’t curse our new home with problems no matter how old it is. I know He doesn’t want us having our own place again, but tough!

Later…

The realtor called about a different home in that same park, but forget it. I’m not interested. The nicer homes are going to be in the nicer parks and I doubt the nicer parks will accept us so why bother wasting our time?

Besides, we’ve still got the management company in Oregon saying we owe them a couple of hundred bucks we don’t owe them, a common scam for management companies to try to make a buck extra in the end while spiting others by fucking up their credit. We always got along with them just fine, but I know that this is something they often do to everyone. No matter how clean and in fine condition you leave a place, they always claim you owe them money.

Then we’ve got some book club trying to scam us for $300 worth of books I supposedly got a few years ago. What books??? And where are all these books I’m supposed to have gotten? Tom’s still hoping he can dispute at least the books and that because we can easily afford it, we should just go ahead and pay the management company off. No way! Although not directly, we were already forced to pay those that fucked us over down in Arizona and I’m not doing it up here. Besides, that’s how you get taken advantage of. Give the blackmailer 10 grand and they’ll be demanding 10 more. I’m not going to let scammers profit at our expense just so we can get ahead in life.

My dreams have been too vague and erratic to possibly mean anything. In one dream I’m in a nice new, modern, spacious bathroom, while in a dumpy old place in the next.

Tom said the house we wanted wasn’t nearly as nice in person. When I saw the pictures I thought, ooh, brand new sculpted carpet, but he said it was actually old and worn. Also, when he went through the This is What’s Wrong papers, he found something bad with the electrical. It was okay for lights, but bad for computers. The park and the location within the park would’ve been ideal, though. However, no one has the “ideal” place unless they’re rich, so as I’ve always figured, we’ll end up in a dump in a dumpier park, but even the “dumpy” parks are nice. And if we have to invest 10 grand or so to fix and pretty it up, so be it.

I still feel like something is totally against us and is going to do everything it can to delay us from moving. Then when we finally do get our way it’s going to “punish” us for it. I think the best thing to do is just say “fuck it” and give it up for a while. We still don’t even have the money I’m supposedly still getting from Walter, and well, I’m just sick of this. I’ve had enough talking, planning, thinking, hoping and dreaming and I need a break. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is just to step back, remove yourself from the situation if you can, and take some time off. Meanwhile, things could be worse. We’ve got a home, we’re not on the streets, and it would be better if I just did what I can do to make this place as comfortable as possible and have the attitude that we’re going to be here for quite some time to come.

Things are otherwise going well. I’ve lost 5 pounds on my first two weeks of Alli and I can see where this is something that wouldn’t and couldn’t just stop working like a lot of things tend to do. It’s nothing one builds immunity up to because Alli always does what it was designed to do – block the absorption of most of the fat we eat. I love how it helps curb hunger too, and I don’t have to practically starve myself all the way down to just 1000 calories a day or work out for hours every day. They say to expect to drop about a pound a week, but I’m still hoping for two a week. That way I won’t have to buy the pills as much.

Sure enough, after being empty a whole year, someone made an offer on the house and Tom had to turn down her “silent” offer to make an offer of our own because I do not yet have the money we’re waiting on and am beginning to wonder how many more months it’ll be before I do. It doesn’t matter anymore, though, because we have enough money for what we can get. I realize that no matter how much we save, the nicer parks are going to turn us down for lack of credit no matter how easily we can afford to buy the damn place outright and afford the lot fees. So more than likely we will transfer from one wooden crate on a steel frame to another that’s in a dumpier, cramped park, but that’s okay. This is basically all I know and at least it will be ours. If we furnish it according to its size, the lack of space won’t seem so bad, though I would still like an extra bathroom. Tom still thinks we can get a doublewide that’s older, and that this may be better in some ways because that would be easier to make into exactly what we want, as opposed to a place with appliances and things that aren’t quite what we want but not bad enough to change. I can kind of see his point cuz even though I’d prefer pink carpet, why change tan carpet that’s brand new and in mint condition just cuz it’s tan? Gray or olive may be tempting, though.

A friend of mine said she prayed that we would get the house we wanted, but it goes to show that the “sky daddy” and the notion of being able to simply ask for what we want is pure wishful thinking. No one would want for anything if they could just ask, and as I always said, you can’t pray for what isn’t meant to be and you need not pray for what is meant to be. I understand people’s need to tell themselves otherwise, though, so they can feel like they have a little more control in their lives.

I still think we were fated – and yes, I believe in fate – to live in tiny dumps. Seems obvious enough anyway. On the bright side, those dumps are going to be on dirt-cheap lots that’ll save us a fortune, along with the heating/cooling savings. By the time he retires, we just may be able to buy an on-site house outright and we could have one last shot at something newer, bigger and nicer. So fine, let’s keep living like bums as rich as we’re getting and just GET ON WITH IT ALREADY! Damn, I’m sick of this waiting game. Another 6 months or so and I’m really going to lose interest altogether. I’m like that in that the more I just talk about something as opposed to actually doing it, the more I either lose interest or it just seems like a dream not worth bothering with. Just give us another bummy old trailer like this that’s OURS and that’s HALF the cost and let’s move on!

Meanwhile, I was pissed that the realtor couldn’t have simply said why she was calling instead of interfering with my sleep and schedule one more time, but since she did, I’ve been dragging since I got up at 2pm after not crashing till after 8am. I woke up a million times, too. Had more vague and obscure dreams about packing or talking about moving, but again I never “saw” where we went.

Still pretty tired and it makes me glad Andy’s on vacation and that we’re not doing Ask. I know he’d be looking for me or at least for a journal entry. I haven’t even posted today’s old entries yet.

I’m down 5 pounds now, and Tom says there’s talk of starting a second shift in March. We’ll believe it when we see it, though second shift would be ideal for moving.

Still nothing from Jan. Although it won’t do me any good, I complained to FB about the problems sending/receiving messages and friend requests. She doesn’t appear to have been on FB since the 14th, so there’s still a little bit of hope that she may get my message and friend request.

She must’ve been married at one point, presumably to a guy, because her maiden name is listed as Ogden.

I also got a half-hour visit to my LJ blog from Ellington, CT right around Kim’s area, so it was either her or the sister. Different provider than I knew Kim to have, though, so my guess is the sister. She must’ve gotten the link from Kim because I blocked her on FB cuz I didn’t want to discuss Kim with her, I just wanted her to know what her sister was doing, talk to her, and hopefully scare Kim off. I don’t think anything will, though, unless she’s physically restrained from going online because she’s back to playing “Janet M” on Molly’s blog. Does she really think people are that stupid? How dumb can you be to use an alias people know damn well is just an alias? Regardless, I didn’t block the sister’s group page, so she might’ve linked to my blog after linking to my page from there, but Kim still would’ve had to give her my name either way cuz I didn’t. Or maybe it was Kim herself. She’s been disabling cookies this long, though, so I don’t see why she’d turn them on now.

And Norma has a proxy. Yeah, I thought it odd that she never appeared to visit my blog before I turned it to friends only, but when she said she wished she had known what I was going through as a kid (how sweet of her, though I don’t see what she could’ve done), I gave her my bio link on LJ and saw she was going through a proxy.

Anyway, Kim probably would disable cookies before she went through a proxy cuz that’s less complicated.

Andy is now in the air and on the way to the desert!

Anyway, looks like Jan has no children and is in a relationship with a woman as of last year. Wow, I’m kind of surprised. So that married woman with 3 kids that I thought might be her really wasn’t her after all, just like the daughter Betsy had said when I went looking for her a year or two ago.

Jan was a pretty good-looking woman. What I usually go for – tall, dark, and older. She was part of the Klamath Indian tribe and was just an attractive lady overall. I got the feeling she was smart, capable of putting her foot down when necessary, but not mean or crazy in any way. What I like in a woman but tend not to get.

Thank God I could get a guy as great as Tom is or else I’d really wonder what the hell was wrong with me. And so I love women but choose men. I pretty much always have. Oh, I could get a woman, all right. She just has to be everything I wouldn’t want her to be.

Anyway, Jan had a cute little gift shop but eventually sold it to take her treasures online. She had given me a pen with the web address on it, but I haven’t seen the pen in a million years, so who knows where it is. I could never find her site, if she still has it, either.

In her profile picture, she still looks the same, but maybe with slightly shorter hair and maybe a shade or two lighter. Saw a picture of her woman and I would never peg them for a couple. Neither of them looks like lesbians. I know it’s a matter of personal taste, but I never liked the lesbian “dress code” anyway. Maybe that’s why I always had such a hard time attracting women. I refused to cut my hair off (above the shoulders) and act, talk, dress and walk like a guy. I was meant to be a woman, like it or not, but again, to each their own. To me, it just defeats the purpose of being attracted to women, IMO. I have always wondered about women who were attracted to people like Ellen Degeneres and KD Lang. Are they really attracted to women, or could they perhaps be attracted to men with pussies? I guess it depends on what’s important to you. I tend to look at people as a whole and I think that’s why I’ve always found women more attractive than men or women that look like men; because I like a more feminine look overall as a whole. Not as feminine as I used to but sort of in the middle. You can’t tell Jan’s gay, though I have seen more feminine.

Anyway, maybe that’s why I like to have a cyber GF or two. It’s my way of having what I can’t have. I keep them at a safe distance while I get to keep the man I would love even if he became horribly disfigured in a fire or something. Only problem is I don’t do much better of a job attracting good-looking, sane women with brains in cyberspace any more than I did in the real world. Then again, once I was married I did actually do a better job of attracting what I wanted; I just couldn’t have them. Someday. Someday I will have a friend with benefits and enjoy the variety of both worlds. I just may have to settle for a little craziness or a little ugliness cuz I ain’t hot enough for the hotties and am a little too batty for the sane ones.

I was thinking back on dream premonitions I’ve had that weren’t premonitions at the same time they were. I dreamt a friend’s Mom would die at the end of last year. Instead, it was my Mom who died. I dreamt my sister would die. Instead, my brother died. The point is that someone did die. Kind of makes you wonder.

Speaking of dreams, I asked for a sign in my dreams if we had any chance of getting the place we want as I was falling asleep. Well, I had a dream I was packing some stuff but never saw where we were going.

Meanwhile, the realtor left Tom a message asking him to give her a call but didn’t say why. God, I hate that! I hate people leaving us wondering what the hell they want. She probably got an offer on the house or needs to reschedule this weekend’s showing. Or maybe the place sold, though I don’t know why she wouldn’t have just said so.

She did tell Tom that she managed the park it’s in for 18 years and that she isn’t very fond of the current manager. I hope she’s not another Stacey! If it is we stand no chance of being let in without credit.

I was surprised to learn Dad’s still got the group home up and running. I thought they would have sold the business years ago, but it’s a family business that Mom’s Mom started, so I can see where it wouldn’t be that easy to just give up. Can’t imagine Freddy taking it over either. Freddy always seemed to be the exact opposite of his parents in that he came off as cold, macho and uncaring. Totally not the sensitive, compassionate type it takes to run the type of group home LaRagiones is.

Anyway, I’d help if I could if I were there. I was remembering how grown up it made me feel to help serve dinner to all the people. There were about 5 or 6 large round tables set up in the main room in front of the main house, and I would have fun carrying out all the plates of food. Or some of them anyway.

Although I will miss having public blogs and the anonymous fun on Ask, it’s nice to be free of the trolls and not “forced” to give them the attention they want, in a sense, when they would ask me questions I couldn’t know for sure was really them. The break from their annoyances is nice. Like shedding a heavy coat on a day that’s hot as hell.

But I don’t want to be in hiding forever, as forever is such a long time. Right now I’m willing to give up some of the fun I was getting from it in order to frustrate them by wondering where I am and what I’m writing about in order to give myself a break from the same old kiddy crap I’ve been dealing with for years. Kim, however, proved to be a million times worse than Molly ever was and Molly was plenty bad enough. Most of the time Molly was a silent observer, following me from site to site, but Kim was anything but silent.

What was almost certainly Kim, asked Andy why he lets me tell him what to do. LOL, yeah, that’s a popular one they’ve both asked me and other friends before. Whenever we deactivate an account it’s automatically assumed it’s because someone told us to. Andy’s account still exists, but he hasn’t been using it much, so the trolls assume it’s because I ordered him not to. I don’t care, of course, what he does as long as he keeps my name out of it. Bringing me up would not only defeat the purpose of doing what I’m doing, but in their twisted minds, it would give them false hope of me returning. I may “wake up” my account there periodically in the middle of the night when they’re not likely to catch me, just to keep it alive. I hate to throw the account away altogether, glitchy site or not. That way it’s always there as an option to use, though I don’t think a year of silence will do the trick. I really think a decade could go by and they’ll still be looking for me. Just maybe not every day. But sooner or later they’ll think to look for me.

Had that pain in the lower right side of my stomach that I suspect could be a cyst on my ovary that flares up every so often.

I hope the trip to Arizona perks Andy up. I’m sooo glad he’s clean! Not just for obvious reasons but because Arizona’s the last state a white, Jewish, gay person wants to get caught in and deal with law enforcement. He’s definitely the minority of the wrong kind for that state. Even though what happened to me can never be undone and not every single person in the state was responsible for it, I cringe at the thought of placing just one toe over the border of that state for just 5 minutes. So if my toes won’t visit that state, neither will I! Tom feels the way I do, too. I had some fun times there, did some really neat things, and saw some amazing scenery and storms, but I’d go back to Massachusetts before I went to Arizona.

Sometimes I wish my friends and some family members that aren’t already there could one day meet up and retire in Florida so we’d all have each other to finish off our golden years with, but that’s just a fantasy. Still, growing old with Tom may be wonderful by itself, but growing old with Tom with Andy down the street, and another friend up the street, and maybe another a few blocks away, sprinkled with some family members, would be heaven.

Later…

Someone in Chicago spent two minutes trying rather desperately to access my MO blog. Could it be Kim’s “sources” trying to get a copy of it for her since she can’t read my MD blog? And if it is, does that mean Kim doesn’t know about my LJ blog? I know Molly does because she accessed it when she couldn’t access my MO blog, but does Kim? Well, if she does, she’s not going to appear on my tracker because the little coward prefers to hide. Aly once said Kim had issues with someone in Chicago, but are they still friends? Whoever it was really wanted in bad to try for two minutes.

A part of me is amused at the idea of just Kim knowing about and reading a blog where she doesn’t know I know she’s reading it and I can throw in all these little stories to piss her off, but the problem is Aly and Kathy. I can’t do anything to Kim or Molly (like drop my LJ link on Molly’s blog) without them knowing about it cuz they watch what she’s up to too, even if they remain silent. I don’t mind Aly and Kathy knowing about most things, but sometimes I just don’t want people to know things. Not everybody anyway.

Anyway, I don’t care about Molly’s lame blog, but I do find Kim’s paranoia interesting and a bit amusing. For some reason, she’s trying to buddy up to Molly and seems to think that everyone who leaves anonymous comments is pretending to be her.

I have some friends who want to read my blog yet don’t have FB accounts. So now I have to decide if opening at least one of them back up to the public is worth it or not. Although I know my stalking trolls would gladly stick their nosy little eyes into it, they can’t contact me on most of them, though I’m definitely NOT going back to Ask anytime soon. That much I’m definitely going to stay away from for quite a while, but not just cuz of them. I’m sick of their tech issues and need a break. But what to do about my blogs… hmm… I’m just not sure yet.

Now here’s some good and bad news for two people who aren’t meant to live in nicer places. We could practically move tomorrow if we wanted to cuz Tom works with a guy who’s tight with the owner of a 55+ park here in Auburn. They’re old single-wides that are “well maintained.” But we would still be cramped in like sardines with flimsy walls and single-paned windows. Ain’t it amazing how easy it is to get what we don’t want? However, the monthly lot fee would be dirt cheap. We’d save an unbelievable amount of money, and well, it just may be tempting when the inevitable happens and the nicer places turn us down for not having credit. I’m not used to nice places anyway. If we had around 1500 square feet, just what the hell would we do with it? I’m not materialistic and have sold most of my doll collection. So is bigger, newer and nicer really better?

There’s another co-worker, a woman who once managed a park in this area, that’d help get us a place there, but it’s a family park. She said there was no barking and that the few kids are quiet.

Yeah, right. Until we got there.

Looks like I finally found Jan on Facebook who used to own the gift shop I’d buy incense from up in Oregon. Facebook is really pissing me off, though, with not letting messages and friend requests go through, so I doubt I’ll be able to actually contact her. I couldn’t contact Kim’s sister there either, so I went directly to the martial arts website she owns and teaches from and emailed her there. I’m sure she’d take her sister’s side, though. Yeah, Kim will say I’m the one bothering her and big sis will be quick to believe it. That’s why I didn’t give my real name and address. But maybe this will finally make Kim think twice before she harasses people. It may make her try to reach out to more of my friends/family, but they’ve long since been alerted to both her and Molly’s shit.

Sometimes I don’t know if Andy’s playing with me or if he’s just plain stupid. It REALLY bothers me that he answered one of Ask’s questions with: Jodi can still ask me questions here if she wants.

First of all, he should know the importance of not mentioning my name and that the more I’m mentioned, even if it’s not by me, the more they’ll come around. In their twisted minds, they’ll see it as false hope of me eventually returning. He said he deleted a question from the trolls AFTER he said he’d let me see it first, but wouldn’t say what the so-called question was. Like he doesn’t want to tell me or something. I’m sure it was just asking that I return there or whatever.

Secondly, I already told him I wasn’t going to continue on with questions there because they’ll know it’s me, and again, that will keep them coming around and using him as a means of trying to get through to me. Didn’t he read my journal entry about all this? He may not mind, but I do. I do NOT want to give these sickos the attention they want. Not directly, and not through him either.

Tom said Andy may like the trolls cuz he’s a natural troll himself. Yeah, I suspected that, but it’d be nice if he’d consider me a little more than he has.

I’m sorry he’s depressed right now and all that, but I want my name left out of things! Argh! Sometimes I wonder if I should just dump all my friends and go back to living like a hermit both in the real world AND online. It really gets under my skin to see my niece post: I have the most wonderful daddy in the world! He let me use his car because my heater is broken.

Yeah, well, her “wonderful” daddy had a big hand in ruining her aunt’s life for years, and her BIL’s, too. So to be reminded of this asshole isn’t a very thrilling concept.

Anyway, Andy became depressed in December and still is. He longs for the Mr. Right which obviously isn’t meant to be any more than I was meant to have kids, and he really hates winter. He’ll be vacationing in Phoenix soon and hopes that will perk him up. He just doesn’t want his broke friend there using him, nor does he want to stay with her. He said that last time her apartment was hot as hell and her kids were annoying him so bad and going through his stuff that he checked into a hotel. I also get the impression he’s not doing too well financially now, so why he’s going on vacation at this time beats me.

Later…

There was a good God in the sky today after all. Oh, I still don’t think we’re going to get the house we want, but not only did the propane people wait till after I got up to come refill us, but I also got a letter and picture from Harry, my Italian Dad! I was surprised. I didn’t really think I’d hear anything back and figured that if I did, someone may have to write for him as old as he is now. The letter reads:

Dear Jodi,

I don’t type so please accept this handwritten letter from your Italian Dad.

I loved your letter and appreciated it and how you cared for your Italian Mom. I am so glad everything is going so good for you and your husband. Sorry about your biological Mom and Dad. I am still trying to keep the group home going but it is very difficult without my Anna. She meant everything to me. I am lost without her. I am enclosing a picture of us.

I called the number you stated in your letter but someone said I had the wrong number. I don’t do computers or email. I am too old for electronic gadgets.

Once again I want to thank you for remembering us.

With all my love,
Your Italian Dad Harry, xxo

I saved a copy of the letter I sent and I did give him the correct number, so he probably misdialed. I’ll use the cell to call him sometime soon.

The picture is as nice as the letter, but Mom sure looks different as opposed to Dad! Dad hasn’t changed much, but I’ve never seen Mom with straight silvery hair swept to the side. I remember her with short jet-black curls. I never cared for the look, but perms were a big thing in the 80s.

Gosh, such mixed emotions going through me now – so happy to hear from him, so sad to know Mom’s gone, so guilty for not keeping in touch. Thank God I studied Italian so I could recognize the spelling mistake I was making when looking up their name online.

Still wonder about that “strange” night, too. Was Mom saying goodbye? Did my psychic side just sense something was up? Or was the timing just a coincidence? I think it’s a combination of the first two since I’m not really a big believer in “coincidences.” The rat freaking out for no apparent reason kind of helped convince me all the more that my dear Italian Mom was indeed here, saying farewell from the other side.

Deactivated Ask and turned my other blogs private/friends. Kim made up my mind for me when she asked me if I liked an actor I’ve known her to be obsessed with. She asked Andy a couple of questions too, and while they may’ve been harmless, that’s not the point. It wasn’t what she asked, it’s that she asked in the first place when she KNOWS I don’t want her contacting me OR my friends. Sometimes people just won’t let go of us and we’re the ones that have to do the letting go. Shutting down and going incognito was the only way I could think of to throw both Kim and Molly off my tail, though Molly hasn’t bothered me much lately. Kim’s the much bigger problem these days. Damn, I still can’t believe it! I’d never have guessed she’d do this to me. If only I’d known!

Andy may be disappointed that I left Ask, but I did it his way for a while and now it’s time to do it my way. It doesn’t have to be for forever. But if he’s right about them going away for good after a year of no contact, then I need to finally give them that year, and remaining public isn’t the way to do that. As I told Andy, I won’t be able to ask him questions there cuz they’ll know it’s me and will use him as a portal to keep the communication going. There are email, Formspring and other places we can keep in touch and share graphics and all that fun stuff.

I created a ‘smart list’ for select FB friends and that’s where I’ll share some entries from now on. Adonis and Andy aren’t on the FB note list cuz Adonis is on MO and Andy likes his emailed. I’m still going to carry on with my blogs as usual, too. They just won’t be public.

If I had to guess I don’t think even 5 years of silence will get these nuts out of my life forever. I think they’ll continue to look for me on and off all their lives. These are crazy people with no life and nothing better to do and no hope of ever having anything to divert their attention from those they stalk. They’re not just people being mean but that still have a life and can eventually have things to move on to.

I did it for other reasons as well and not just to escape them asking questions as if we were old buddies and shit like that. I did it cuz I’m sick of the glitches on Ask and to piss the trolls off. It’s going to really frustrate the hell out of them if they can’t see what I’m up too, LOL, though I believe they read my blogs for different reasons. In Kim’s mind, it was probably because she believes we’re damn good friends. In Molly’s mind, it’s to see if I’ve mentioned a friend of mine who used to be her friend as well.

Also, while I’m always careful what I put in public, these trolls don’t need to know what I am willing to write about online, even if it’s something as trivial as the soda I’m drinking.

I’m going to want to share pics of our new home eventually, and even if they don’t know the address, do I really want to let these trolls see inside our home? That’d almost be like opening the door to them in person and saying, “Come on in.” Only difference would’ve been that online they’d actually get out alive.;)

Later…

I’m totally dismayed but not surprised by Tom’s good and bad news after seeing the house today. For years I suspected that something up there has wanted us to live in tiny old dumps as if that was all we deserved. Well, when he described the house as being not perfect but totally ideal for us, it convinced me that nothing’s changed with this twisted “rule” because the park only accepts people with super good credit. It’s not just the house itself that’s ideal, but the park and the home’s location within the park as well.

Tom thinks we only have a 20% chance of getting them to give us a break and consider the fact that it’s been empty a year now and that if the owner gets tired of making the monthly payments, they’re the ones that are going to have the expense of having to repossess the house and fix any repairs that are needed, however minor they may be (flashing around skylights, chips in bricks, cracks in plaster, chips in an edge of the kitchen’s porcelain sink). Yet I know that people are greedy, stupid and stubborn. They won’t care that they could actually lose money that way. They won’t care that the monthly ownership expenses there are comparable to what we’ve been paying here for nearly half a decade. People’s rules and expectations are what they are and they don’t usually want to be flexible about them in any way.

It isn’t just the park’s standards and people’s stubbornness that makes me believe we’ll never get this house but the bastard above and His obsession with us living in little old dumps. It’s wrong, it’s unfair, and I don’t know why this is our “fate,” but there’s not much we can do about it other than accept what we can’t have and just continue settling. Whatever we do finally get will be too small, too old and too dumpy, but there’s got to be some park that will give us something better than this place that belongs to someone else, even if it’s not “ideal” or what we really want. But it will be ours.

Tom described it as being the Beverly Hills of parks, it’s that nice-looking and looks like you’re driving through a regular neighborhood due to how the houses are all at ground level. There was an empty spot next to it from what we saw on the satellite and we figured that since most satellite pics are old, by now a house had been brought into that spot. But nope. That’s a drainage ditch and will always be empty.

There’s more I could say about what Tom saw and discussed with the realtor, but why bother? It’s not in our “cards.” But it sure is in our cards to live cramped into shitboxes as if we were lazy little bums. Tom wants me to go see it this weekend, but I don’t see the point. He did tell the realtor we have no credit, but even she thought we should still go for it anyway. I guess Tom would rather go as far as we can with trying to get it and until and if they actually turn us down, but I say why fight for what’s not meant to be? I told him I’d think about it, though.

Later…

Andy agrees it’s ridiculous how the owners have different standards than the park’s. People want to sell their homes and are willing to work with those who at least don’t have bad credit and can afford the place, yet the parks want you to be perfect. If we did have great credit, what would they demand of us then? That we are able to stand on our heads for an hour? That we are able to run through fire, breathe underwater, and jump 20 feet off the ground? Makes me wonder if any park anywhere will take us unless it’s an all-out dump for all ages. Well, I’m sorry I didn’t have children to abuse to make me as “deserving” in God’s eyes as my fucked up mother was, but we will not live like bums forever! Fine, give us a dump with adequate space if that’s supposedly all we deserve and we’ll fix it up and make it what we want. It takes years to establish a score of 720 and I won’t do it. I refuse. I refuse to stay here and rent this dump from this pesky landlord for more years, even if he and his mutts have been quieter lately. God may feel otherwise, but my husband and I know we deserve better than this, especially after so damn long.

Speaking of that pesky landlord who’s been quieter, I figured the rising temps would bring him out and about more and they are. He was buzzing around on the ATV when I got up, and I know it’s just a matter of time before the motorcycle starts up again and he finds some reason to come down here cuz it’s been a while. Unfortunately, I don’t see any chance of getting out of here before the roofing excursion, and that’s going to be maddening if I’m on nights at the time. Then I gotta worry about the place falling apart on us while we’re still here. We have leaks everywhere in here! It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if the roof started leaking, too.

Gonna start taking melatonin again to try to hold my schedule on days as long as I can each time I’m on it. Right now I gotta hold it to make the waste-of-time appointment to see the house this Saturday at 4pm. I find the Neuro Sleep drink easier than the melatonin pills cuz one of the side effects of melatonin is that you wake up too soon. Well, just a few swallows puts me back out.

Tom said he’s going to see if the park will accept a deposit but I doubt they’ll budge. They’ll say something like, “Well, if we do that for you, we have to do it for everyone.”

Not if we all keep our mouths shut and don’t tell anyone you did it for us, duh!