I’m not sure if I mentioned this in public or not but a week or two ago I had a dream that I would get more than just 2-3 grand once my parents’ affairs were all wrapped up. It was a feeling I continued to have even when I was awake. I figured I would receive around 5K, though Tom still thought it’d be 2-3 grand. So when Tammy left a message saying she had a lengthy talk with Walter and that while it could be a little less or a little more to expect around 10K, I was quite shocked and pleased! That’s more than my biggest win! Then I burst out laughing at knowing that another month or two from now, that money combined with our savings will make us worth around 15-20 grand while my parents are a big fat nothing. What a refreshing change, huh? I almost wish they could come back to life and appear at our door, wanting to be let in out of the cold with no clothes, food or money to their name. Then I could say, “Nah, we’re too busy thinking of all the things we could do with your money.” LOL

Before anyone thinks of insulting me by suggesting I thank God or apologize to Him when I thought we’d get nothing…don’t. That’s like being told to thank or apologize to a rapist for giving me money I never expected he would give me. I’m grateful as hell to Walter and to all those who had a hand in seeing that we got anything at all, let alone as much as we’re looking at, but that can’t change the past. What’s done is done. No matter how many heartfelt “I’m sorrys” God may care to drop down from the sky long enough to give me, it can never make up for all the abuse He allowed my parents to inflict upon me. When any God or human being sits back and lets someone abuse someone without doing a damn thing as far as stepping in and intervening, that person is not only just as guilty, but they’re basically saying it’s okay. Well, it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay when my mother slapped me around. It wasn’t okay when she called me a fat idiot who would amount to nothing. It wasn’t okay that she made me so depressed that I wanted to die. It wasn’t okay that she finally gave up on me and sent me away, even before the state took me away. She should have been properly punished, but since God thought it was A-Okay for her to do what she did, she never was punished, and if she never was punished here, why should I think she would be in any kind of an afterlife? If it’s okay here, why not there, too?

Same with the shitsters that legally screwed me. Yes, I was vindicated, yes Mr. Corrupto was dealt with, and yes, they should’ve been made to pay back the money we lost on account of their hate and vengefulness, and while money would’ve been nice and helped a bit, no amount of money could’ve paid us back for the time we lost together. You can’t put a price on time and you can’t put a price on mental anguish either. There may have been more I could’ve done as far as counter-legal action against them, but then I’d be stooping just as low as them by being just as vindictive, and these are the kinds of people that kill people and that have the connections to cover their asses and get away with it, too. And there’s no doubt in my mind that God would give them any added protection they needed. Remember, it’s okay to wrong Jodi S. So unless I am literally forced to take action against them or anyone else in the world, the safety of my husband and myself come first and foremost.

For me, it’s not so much about the money as it is what my parents can help do for us after not helping nearly as much as they should have and could have back when they were alive and we needed it most. We would’ve saved up enough to buy a place on our own; it just would’ve taken a few months longer.

Anyway, Walter’s doing this for nothing. I didn’t realize he knew Dad and I had assumed he had been paid up front. Again, I’m very appreciative of all he’s done! As soon as I receive the check and know his email address I will send him a hearty thanks and my book and blog links as promised over the phone a few months ago. It might be another month or so, though, cuz they’re now in the tax phase, the final phase. At least they don’t owe much there cuz they didn’t make much in the end.

When you set aside the fact that they weren’t always very nice people, it’s kind of sad to see their lives get picked apart and torn down piece by piece till absolutely nothing at all is left. And at the same time, I blame my father for protecting my mother right along with God, I know that if he could’ve shot someone who tried to kill me, he wouldn’t have hesitated even if he knew it would mean he’d go to prison for the rest of his life. sighs So, as usual, there are a lot of mixed emotions going through me now. Maybe it would be easier said than done to let them starve in the streets if they could come back to life, but it’s a funny thought to think of them out there nonetheless with absolutely nothing. Right now, though, I am mostly happy and grateful. And stunned too, to think that barely a year and a half ago we were thinking of the best way to die with some comfort and some dignity as opposed to dying hungry and cold on the streets, not knowing that a miracle would save us in the end and that a happy ending awaited us.

As I’ve learned, all we can do is our best, and sometimes we can survive while other times we can’t. But we did in this case, and now it’s time to happily move on to making new plans. I’ll get to that in another entry since this one’s getting kind of long. I just know that soon enough, the rats won’t have a nicer home than we do, and that if I never see another piece of paneling again once we do move it’ll be too soon!

Later…

Because Tammy was a lot older than me and our parents took off a lot, she was sort of like another Mom as well as a big sister. Sometimes she spent more time looking out for me than our own mother did, and I know she’d be the first in line – and probably the only one – to want to take me in if I were suddenly a vegetable in need of regular care but didn’t need to be hospitalized and didn’t have Tom. It seems so, so long ago that we’d lie on the grass as kids and gaze up at the clouds. We’d each decide what animal or object the clouds resembled depending on their shape.

Losing 3 family members in the same year, even if they won’t be missed, has brought us closer. I think that now that she’s gotten away from abusive men, and the evil mother that pitted her against me for God only knows why has died, there shouldn’t be any problems. We’re different in the way we think and believe and we have different skills, hobbies and interests, but we also have a lot in common at the same time.

I may never again be a phone person but it will be nice to get the computer phone up to speed once we’re gone and to be able to know it’s an option. I could use it at the computer and still get things done while we talked, instead of having to be glued to a shaky cell that wastes minutes in the kitchen. That’s the only room we get decent enough reception in.

But why doesn’t anyone want to talk for just 5-10 minutes? LOL, everyone wants to talk for an hour or two.

I also had a dream Tammy was in a few nights ago but didn’t think much of it. It still may not mean anything, but in the dream, I had just woken up and found her sitting in the living room reading. I said I had a dream where I was cleaning the kitchen of the house we want and hoped that was a good sign.

In reality, I don’t think that house will be available by the time we gather all the money together and start actually talking to people. However, I should soon start “seeing” things in my dreams to give us more of a clue as to where we’re going, the closer it gets. I did for the last two moves anyway.

Florida still has to wait till he retires cuz we don’t want to throw away such a great-paying job, regardless of the crazy hours. It’s not just the great pay, but the health and vacation benefits as well as bonuses and the 401K we don’t want to give up either. Plus, he’s looking at another raise in a couple of months. If it was your typical 24K job without benefits, then we might split.

It still stuns the shit out of me how well we’re doing even without what I’m to get from my parents. I was getting sick of renting, yes, but I meant it when I said I would’ve gladly settled for just enough to get buy with. The necessities are what really, really matters. Everything after that is just a bonus. So it’s quite a surprise to be blessed with all this extra goodness.

It’s going to be so nice and so much fun picking the place out and setting it up and decorating it! My only concern is all the car door slamming jolting me awake when I’m on nights. Yeah, I’m still worried about that. Once we’re in, we’re in. It’s not like we could turn around and sell it in a week or two, and where would we go anyway? So we’re going to have to take our time and pick and choose wisely as it’s going to take some serious getting used to having so many people that close to us as it is. Tom can adapt to pretty much any living situation, and of course, he can keep a schedule. Worst-case scenario we’ll soundproof the place if it’s too apartment-like. It’s much easier and cheaper to do these days, and the cool thing about the amount of money we’ll have is that after the place is all paid for, we should still have money left over to get things for the place AND jump-start the savings back up again. We still want to save most of the money that doesn’t go to necessities. I’d like to have at least 50K saved when he retires, and if he keeps making the kind of money he’s been making, that should be doable enough. We might even have closer to 100K. 50K would be enough to get us to Spain or Florida. I don’t know about Spain, but there are senior parks in Florida too, where we could buy something comparable to what we buy here, so long as we don’t end up not liking it.

I still sometimes miss being in a real house on a concrete slab, but that would up the risk of dogs being left outdoors more often to have to deal with, even in an adult community because it would be easier for people to get away with there than in a park, and if most people in the west don’t have to allow their dogs indoors, they won’t.

I still hope I can adapt to the car doors since 95% of the population has company almost every day, and even if they didn’t, they still come and go multiple times a day. Especially those who aren’t working. With a couple of short-term exceptions, we’ve never had working neighbors. They’ve always been on disability, welfare, students or retired. Some of the people will still be working where we go, but I’m sure each household will have at least one person who’s not working.

So just like I had to adapt to this loud water tank that ignites with quite a thump (it still wakes me up at times, though I fall right back to sleep), I’m going to have to get used to the people coming and going, the delivery and service trucks, the landscaping, and people out milling about. They may not be hanging outdoors sipping iced tea and playing gin rummy when it’s in the 40s any more than when it’s over 100°, but people still gotta walk their mutts.

I’m hoping the regular sound machine will be enough and that I won’t have to blast white noise from an off-dialed radio station out of the stereo, since the walls should be thicker and it should have dual-paned windows.

Sometimes you can never know how a place will be until you’ve lived in it for a while. I thought I’d sleep just great in Maricopa in the middle of a 10-acre ranch. But I was wrong when we learned the hard way about sonic booms and were surprised with how many people (not counting Scott) came to our door.

Getting a nice place won’t be the issue. It’s getting a nice place in the right location that could be a bit of an issue, and of course there’s still the park people to possibly worry about. They should accept us, though, if we pay for a place outright. I hope so anyway.

Both rats know their names. When Tom called Sugar, he came running but Romeo didn’t.