Haven’t backed my computer up since the 3rd, so I’m doing that now. I took it off the automatic timer cuz it would take forever and slow me down.

Ran a total of 28 blocks yesterday in 33° temps. My nose felt like a block of ice stuck to my face, but what ended up annoying me most was the little twig or weed that somehow got into my shoe and was irritating me. It was 5am, so only a few cars passed by during this time. A cop car was exiting the gate when I reached it and headed back. I couldn’t make out who was in it, but whoever it was waved and I waved back.

Running at night is both easier and harder. It’s harder to see the ground and exactly what your feet are coming down on as you run, but it’s easier to see cars coming cuz of their headlights.

Despite the cold, I actually worked up a bit of a sweat underneath my jacket and sweatshirt, so I found when I returned home. My cheeks continued to sting a while, though, as if they’d been slapped.

Woke up several times feeling as if I had cramps and was so sure that I finally had a full-fledged period going, but nope. I’m still spotting just like I did yesterday. The cramps weren’t bad enough to have to take something for them and were gone after I showered.

LiveJournal is down now. Gee, what a surprise. Reminds me why I stopped going there regularly. Too much change and therefore too many problems. Outages, pages not loading all the way, site running slower than a snail, etc. Really wish they’d get their shit together till I finished copying old journals. I could copy from my-diary but that one’s a little trickier to copy from and this way I can edit both journals at once. I’m not going to stress too much over something I wrote over 20 years ago, but I still like to double-check and make sure no full names are mentioned unless they’re famous people, of course. I also edit out any silly trivial stuff I don’t think needs to be there and clarify anything I think is poorly written. Still find typos at times, too. It would be nice if Andy eventually read through all the entries from 1987 till now to catch anything I might’ve missed, but if he thinks my stories are too long, he certainly wouldn’t want to read a 26-year-long journal!

Later…

Ended up chatting with Tammy for about an hour. LOL, getting off the phone from her is like prying a grilled cheese sandwich apart. That woman could gab all day and all night.

Despite all her aches, pains, and gripes, I do understand her frustrations. Not gonna share most of what we discussed publicly, though, due to all the sensitives out there. Too many people are pro-black and while I have the right to be me, I also don’t want to upset people either. So most of this will remain between close friends. Even they love blacks, LOL, but they know how I feel and why I feel the way I do, and they can handle it.

Some think my feelings towards blacks soured after they sought legal vengeance upon me in Arizona and wreaked havoc on my life and that of my husband, but it was actually the L.A. Riots that started to change my feelings. That was when I said, “Whoa, wait a minute now. Being pissed is one thing. Going around and taking it out on innocent people who had NOTHING to do with the pigs getting away with being Rodney King is another. If they wanted to attack someone, the officers should’ve been the ones they went after. THEY were the ones that were guilty. But when I watched with shame, disgust and sadness as they beat innocent people, destroyed property, and looted stores like crazy, I felt nothing but contempt.

Then the shit with OJ went down and then Michael Jackson got away with what I totally believe was indeed child molestation and the race card became the hip thing to play. Then what happened to me happened, then similar things to numerous other whites, and well, what do you expect folks? For me to pat them on the back and say, “Good job, guys, good job?”

While I feel terrible for those who were indeed honest-to-God slaves from way back when and for those who are hard-working, fair, and honest yet have truly been discriminated against, I feel nothing but shame and contempt for them as a whole. They are constantly complaining, into drugs, into crime, living off of people’s hard-earned tax dollars, crying discrimination where it doesn’t exist, and using their race to get ahead no matter who gets hurt in the process. Yet 98% of the country just loves them and is quick to make excuses for every little thing they do.

What. The. Fuck?

So that was part of today’s chat; how much she can’t stand blacks and seeing them on welfare while wearing these thick gold chains and driving fancy cars and all the other shit most of them pull. She’s pretty safe from them being out in the country, but she reads the news. She knows what’s going on in the cities around her, most of which always involve blacks.

She also hates Muslims, another thing I can understand. As I told her, though, some of the country will be quick to agree with her Muzzie gripes, but you’re not going to get much sympathy where blacks are concerned. Complain about them and blacks and whites alike want to kill you for it while they make one excuse after another for their behavior. “Oh, but they had it rough when they were slaves,” etc.

So did some of my ancestors when they were fried in concentration camps. But that doesn’t give me the right to slap the lady across the street just because of what someone else did who isn’t even alive anymore.

I don’t understand why people don’t see it, I told her, but things have been the way they are with blacks for many years now and I don’t see anyone putting their foot down any time soon. They acknowledge the Muzzies but they don’t see how many blacks are causing so much mayhem and misery despite the fact that we’re living in a time when more doors and opportunities are open to them than they are to whites.

I guess now she even hates Chinese people because a bunch of Chinese immigrants is being brought over from China to work in Indian-owned casinos there. I asked why they can’t just hire Americans and I guess it has to do with being Indian-owned and operated and out of the government’s hands. The government gave the Indians some land after taking theirs, so on top of their reservations, I guess their casinos aren’t governed either, which makes sense. They sought sovereignty from the government. Wish we could get sovereignty from the fuckers too, and that we too, could be exempt from paying taxes.

I can understand her frustration with all the damn immigrants, legal and not. My husband wouldn’t have been on unemployment for so long if so many of them hadn’t flocked to the US and hogged our resources and jobs like they have.

She complains it’s hard to understand the various foreign accents when dealing with sales calls or when she’s running errands and things like that, and I guess some doctor pissed Sarah off, too. I don’t know what nationality she was, but she couldn’t understand a damn thing she said when she went in for medication for her seizure and the doctor kept telling her to go online and do some research, then let her know what medication she wanted. “But you’re the one who’s supposed to be telling me this,” she told the doctor.

Like it or not, America isn’t always about being “American,” and English-speaking? Well, that’s hit or miss. She hates it when she gets sales calls from someone in Pakistan and tells them to have an American call her back.

I used to have a hard time with foreign accents too, but learning lots of languages has helped because the brain gets used to hearing sounds it’s not used to hearing with just English. She said that may very well be true, but she shouldn’t be forced to learn Chinese like some teachers in school there are unless she’s going to live in China. I agree. Language learning should be for fun, business travel, or because you’re going to relocate to a country that speaks a language other than your own.

The Chinese have come to us. Let THEM learn English!

She said she feels the Cubans down in Florida are very hard working, but hates Puerto Ricans for their laziness. They did seem pretty lazy when I last lived in the East. Can’t deny that much. Even the Mexicans work harder, though many of them still prefer welfare.

Florida. That’s where she told me some things that made me go, really? It wasn’t the most shocking thing she told me. I’ll save that for last. She and Mark are hoping to sell out in about 4 years when he retires and take their remodeling business down to Florida, which friends of theirs (though she admits they’re more like acquaintances) say should do better down there. I think it would too, since it’s a warmer climate. Depending on the economy I think they could get at least a quarter mil for their place. It’s a beautiful huge house on a 3-acre parcel.

The shocking thing is that she says (and Tom confirms this) that Florida’s much cheaper. Food, gas, the cost of living… everything. For some reason, I thought Florida was a very expensive state just like Cali. They must make less money there, though. Still, you never know, I told her, we may meet up there when Tom retires, but who knows what the state will be like by then or what will be going on in our lives?

Still… having family close by (even though Tammy can be a bitch) and the ocean, more rain, warmer winters, cool storms… the idea is appealing so long as a hurricane doesn’t go wiping us out. The humidity would suck too, but it’d be good for my hair and skin. It would be nice, if we really ever did make another long-distance move, to have someone we know waiting for us there. When we moved to Oregon and then to Cali, we didn’t know a soul.

She doesn’t know if they’ll get a condo or a separate dwelling, but she swears that she never heard a damn thing (other than landscaping) while she was there and she was there for months. She said the only thing you might hear is sirens on the highway. Those places would be built on concrete slab foundations so that would help any vibrant sounds, I suppose, like heavy footsteps. But no cabinets or door slamming? Wow. No TVs or music? Wow again.

Tammy is so different yet so the same. She is more positive towards me and encouraging and I don’t doubt that she’d help us in any way she could. She still has a vengeful side, though, and that’s a little scary. I don’t know the details but they used to be friends with a couple and I guess the guy was a well-known politician in the area. They got into it about who knows what and I guess the guy wrote some very mean things about her that really hurt. The guy supposedly called them swearing and making threats and then she called the cops. She admitted that if she could anonymously screw him over, she would. Yeah, that’s Tammy for you, though I think most of us would screw people that burned us bad enough if it were that simple. I just don’t think many people would admit this.

I kind of like to face my opponents out in the open when necessary as I did with the paper that slandered the shit out of me without even investigating any of the tall tales told to it. I emailed them long after I was vindicated (so they would see I wasn’t trying to gain anything from it) and told them to do a little digging. I don’t know if this was before or after the welfare bum’s black pig pal was booted from the force, but the point is that I told the paper, “You think I’m the only one? Well, just like a rapist doesn’t usually rape just one person, corrupt cops don’t usually legally screw just one person either. Do some digging into him and his friends and you just may be surprised at what turns up.”

These people hate whites 10 times more than I could ever hate blacks, and their BEHAVIOR – not color – has earned them some pretty ill feelings on my part in which I make absolutely NO apologies for. I am utterly shameless and guiltless when it comes to my feelings towards blacks, Muslims and some Hispanics. Even the Italians piss me off at times with all their gay-bashing.

It’s ridiculous and totally unfair how whites are often passed over for jobs that are given to blacks with half the experience and performance quality, simply because their ancestors were unfairly denied this, this and that a million years ago. Oh, and you want that job your white coworker has? No problem. Just tell the boss she/he called you a racial slur and voila! It’s yours.

Anyway, I don’t know if Tom’s going to retire at 66 or 70, but I do know this much. One of 3 things is going to happen. We’re either going to stay here forever. We’re going to move to Florida. Or we’re going to leave the country altogether. I have no idea which one of these will happen as it’s way too far in the future to predict, but I do know this much – we’re not leaving this house till WE decide to or we grow old and die. Not when any evil, hateful God says. I have never felt better since I finally stood up to HIM and have gotten HIM out of my life. Maybe I should’ve done so years ago and said, “Look, I don’t know why you’ve always had it in for me and personally I don’t give a shit. We’re not going to take the shit you throw at us anymore, and WE’RE taking the reigns of our lives, not You!”

We have stood up to Him! We have defied Him! And we have won! Our lives may not be perfect, but we now live in the house He never wanted us to have. We have the money He never wanted us to have. And while the rest of the world is marveling in His presence or light or whatever they want to call it, I am grateful as hell for His absence. If things could stay the way they are for a while, I’d be thrilled.

The most shocking thing she told me was that a few years ago she was in Florida. She was sitting with Dad while Mom was having her hair done. “How could you let her do it?” she asked him. “How could you sit back and let the emotional, verbal and physical abuse go on? Do you really think Jodi was the way she was cuz she had nothing better to do?”

She said Dad then balled his eyes out like a baby, turned to her and said, “I am so, so sorry.”

I didn’t even know this! I thought he’d defend that bitch till his dying breath. She held his hand a while and they never spoke of it again after that.

I don’t know who I hate more when I think of every slap, kick and insult she threw at me, her or God. Just the names Dureen and God are enough to make me sick. shakes with rage

Now it’s time for some cleaning and cooking before I read myself to sleep in my warm, cozy house that has more space than we’ll ever know what to do with.