Gotta stop the Lexapro because it’s making my shitty sleep even shittier. It was like, OMG! I’ve also noticed this scratchiness in my throat and wonder if that could be the flu-like symptoms someone mentioned.

Throughout my day I was stable and didn’t need any lorazepam, but during my first two hours of sleep, I flitted in and out of sleep constantly, only to wake up with my heart booming up a storm a few hours later. I was hot as hell, too. Tom and I totally believe this is perimenopause setting in. No doubt about it. I’m late more and more often for my periods, too. I’m supposed to get it tomorrow, though I doubt I will. PMS with menopause setting in is a real double whammy of emotional and physical hell, all right.

I called Tom who helped calm me down and then I took a lorazepam to help me fall back asleep. Because I kept waking up so much I ended up sleeping a long time. When I finally got up I felt more depressed than anxious, as well as hopeless. How long is this going to go on???

All I could do was lie around going from hot to cold as I do in my sleep. I had no energy to work out or do much of anything. Even this blog entry takes effort. Typical of me when I’m PMSing, but it’s more than that. It’s called sleeping shitty with menopause and whacky hormones that just don’t make you feel like yourself anymore, along with a head full of worries sprinkled with anxiety. Waking up for a second here and there is one thing, but when am I EVER going to be able to do it less often and WITHOUT the beatathons???

Doc A assured me she’d refill my lorazepam when I need it, and that’s better than nothing, but I think I’ll pass, once again, on the SSRI drugs. Maybe a hormone supplement would be better for me. I’ll eventually discuss that with her. Meanwhile, I see Stacey tomorrow and she can help with the psychological aspect of things.

For now, it’s raining hard and steady here and that’s always soothing to hear. Plus we still need the rain. I am definitely going to take it easy today. Even I deserve a break every now and then. The house is clean and my online work is done, so I can just veg out in bed and read. This cold wet weather is perfect for it. Aly and I can text each other, too.

I’m afraid to go to sleep later, of course, so I’ll stay up as long as I can. It might help me sleep better that way anyway. I might try sleeping without the covers, too. Maybe even follow a yoga vid on YouTube. This has been suggested to me, even though I’m more of a cardio/strength training kind of gal.

In last night’s dream, I wonder if I was homeless or something. I was sleeping on a tiny bench or cot in the corner of a small room in which anyone could enter, so I’m guessing it was in a public place. A guy approached my bed and woke me up. He seemed drunk and filthy. I yelled at him to get away, but couldn’t shove him very far with my hands as he was knelt down by my head. To achieve a better angle, I curled my body up and kicked him away instead.

Then I went back to sleep, but when I woke up again I was pissed. I got up and looked down at the floor where he lay on his back. I straddled him and started punching him in the face as I shouted, “You stupid son of a bitch!”

But the guy never moved, and so I ran out of there assuming he might be dead.

In the second dream, Tom and I were riding in the car. I was complaining that today’s music is boring and he suggested we go to K-Mart to look at what CDs they have (as if that’d be different from what’s online, LOL). I said, “I’m trying to think of what songs I can’t find MP3s of.”