How did I get so bad emotionally and all for no good reason at all? I keep asking myself this. Anytime I’ve been anxious or depressed in the past it was always for a reason and never this intense that it felt so scary and hopeless.

Of all the theories we’ve come up with since it began 1.5 years ago, it still seems a mix of things, but mostly my body has to acclimate to once again having normal thyroid levels. Then there’s the perimenopause thing that could be playing with my emotions and sleep, and well, this all makes more sense than the thyroid pills themselves since I did have those good months, my labs don’t indicate numbers that could make me feel this way, and it’s unlikely the initial trauma is affecting me or that something’s eating at my subconscious.

If this is a medical condition as Dr. A said, how did I get it and when will it go away? Tom pointed out that I was on edge a lot of the time 20+ years ago, but then as my thyroid became low it took the edge off of things. Now I’ve got to learn how to “be normal” again without lowering my thyroid and putting me at risk of other health complications. This task may sound easy, but the time it’s taking to do so is anything but easy given how much suffering I have done. I feel like I’m never going to feel calm and fearless again, but I’m still a little hopeful that the Lexapro will soon help.

If there’s any progress at all it’s that my heart hasn’t been overly racy lately. I took the Lexapro toward the beginning of my day yesterday and found it made me drowsy and even a bit hungry, as someone said it did to them. But I otherwise felt calm throughout the evening.

Sure enough, though, I had a helluva hard time staying asleep. I started to overheat with a racy heart but kicked the covers off and was okay. But just a couple of hours after crashing I had to take a lorazepam to relax enough to fall back asleep. I just can’t stay asleep more than a couple of hours at a time. It’s horrible. I miss having my sleep be normal. Or at least what’s “normal” for me.

Tom thinks I’m getting into bed too early. I really should wait till I’ve been up at least 16 hours. It’s just that sometimes I lack energy or feel depressed over my situation and all I want to do is lay in bed. Like right now. I want to get into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just cry, even though the tears don’t always come. But I have to push my schedule around a bit more for my Wednesday morning meeting with Stacey.

Due to how drowsy the Lexapro makes me I’ve decided to switch to taking it before bed and see if that helps me sleep with fewer interruptions. I just fear it backfiring on me over the next week or two, which is still possible, and I dread being alone when he returns to work Monday morning. How I miss enjoying my time alone! I always loved my solitude as much as I love hanging with those I love. But now I would relish in what once annoyed the shit out of me… being around people too often. But not just any people. My workout buddies at the clubhouse are fine, but I would still feel more comfortable around those who know me and understand my situation.

I just hope I’m not hopeless because I sure feel that way at times. My anxiety was coming and going in waves when I got up. I hoped it would back off on its own, but when it didn’t I took a lorazepam about 6 hours later.

Next weekend we’ll assess my progress (if any) and decide when to travel and whether or not to skip the cruise. We may have to as shitty as I’ve been sleeping, and possibly even delay seeing my sister for a month as much as that would suck.

In sweeter news, hubby and I made fudge earlier. Since I haven’t taken anything so far today but my levothyroxine and lorazepam, I’m not that hungry. The better I feel, the more I want to eat. But if I’m stressed, depressed, tired, worried or anxious, it snuffs my appetite. I’m still a good 20 pounds overweight, though. For now, all I can do is just savor the hell out of those rare moments of calm.