If there were any lingering doubts or regrets about my “friendship” with Aly ending, they’re 100% gone now. Talk about exposing those true colors of hers! The ones she no doubt didn’t think I’d ever find, LOL. Yes, I'm glad I discovered what I discovered last night. It totally reinforced my gut feeling and my certainty in never wanting anything to do with her in the future. I vented to her one last time and now I’m going to vent in public one last time, then that’s it. We’re done. She’s a definite and permanent closed chapter in my life in which I’ll be happy to move on. Oh, I may mention her from time to time in the future. Just not in public. 

Part of this whole journaling thing is to document our experiences and the people we experience them with, and I promised myself I’d never hold back. I won’t share sensitive info, and I’ll respect your privacy and personal life if you’re someone I’m close to, but if you screw me over then you lose that privilege and I won’t feel I owe you the courtesy of not telling it like it is. I don’t make threats and I don’t post sensitive info and therefore I’m not doing anything wrong. Do I care if she reads this? Obviously not or else I’d make it private. I doubt, however, that she’s reading me. She read Molly before she accepted the nut back into her life, but that’s only because Crazy likes crazy, and she and Molly were/are both crazy. If I were the type to write how I fantasized about stabbing my parents in their sleep and that I hoped Aly’s cancer killed her, then I would be plenty readable. But whether or not she and her twisted cronies are reading this isn’t the issue. It’s all about me writing in my journal. Period. Onlookers are a mere byproduct of that, and I mean no offense in saying so. :) 

It started with CampNano, which I checked out to see when their next session was. Unfortunately, I forgot that they hold one in April, but will maybe catch them over the summer. When Aly dumped me she disconnected me from whatever sites we were connected on. But she forgot Nano. As I went to take the honors myself, I noticed she had a Twitter link on her profile. Needing to stay up to flip my schedule anyway, I passed the time by checking it out. Yeah, I knew her being sick of Twitter was a lie just like so many other things she's told me. I'm sure she's got tons of active Facebook profiles as well. 

Anyway, I clicked through to the Twitter account and found that it's got nearly 6,000 tweets and is almost a year old. I assumed she’s had the account all along but never told me about it. She and Kim are like that. They’ll create account after account and keep some secret from each other, mostly to two-face each other. That way they can be all sweet and kind to each other’s faces while bashing each other publically yet privately. 

As I read the tweets, I found myself both confused and insulted. One of them was directed at me, telling me “I’ve left you alone so leave me the fuck alone because I’m so done and over you.” 

WTF??? This was posted on April 2nd. Well, she dumped me on March 24th and we weren't even talking by April, so why did I need to “leave her the fuck alone?” Is she delusional or something? Also, the tweet was directed at me as if she knew I would read it. Did I ever communicate with her on this particular account in the past that she later changed the name on? I swear I’ve never seen or heard of this account before. I don't understand why she would act as if I was still in touch with her when she made it clear that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. Some people do dump others just to falsely flatter themselves with false allegations of them refusing to let go which makes them feel more wanted and cared for than they actually are, but then it hit me that Kim could’ve easily created an account in my name and harassed her from it. That is classic Kim, after all. She's even created accounts in Aly's name in the past as well as many others, but this is perfectly forgivable if you’re as crazy as Kim is. The fact that she also tweeted, “If you step away from someone and they go after you that means they care, right?” made me suspect this. 

First of all, I don’t care about her or what happens to her in life. Secondly, she didn’t “step away,” she dumped me. I’m just not sure why. I can only guess it has to do with me trying to point out Kim’s true colors to her, and how I got fed up with her clinginess and the guilt trips she’d put on me if I didn’t reply to her texts in 5 minutes. Over the years she went from ignoring me for days on end to smothering the shit out of me. 

Also, how did I “come after her?” Again, she’s either delusional or someone impersonated me because I hadn’t contacted her till last night. Fact: To assume I care is nothing more than false self-flattery. I don’t. I’m just documenting what happened like I would by saying I saw so and so walking down the street (not that I care), and then I’m moving on. If I later remember other details I’ll add them to the end of this entry rather than new ones. 

What I don’t get is the hypocrisy. Yeah, this was the insulting tweet that really got me rethinking people in general and gaining a better understanding of Andy's trust issues. The day before we left for vacation she tweeted, “If all goes well I shouldn’t hear from J for two weeks. Kind of excited about that!” 

Again… WTF? How fucking insulting! This was what she was really thinking while pretending to be my friend to my face and then getting all upset when I wouldn’t text with her all day long every single day?! How many others might be thinking the same thing that I thought genuinely cared about me? And I had specifically made a point of texting her while on vacation when on land, knowing she was struggling with depression, and assuming she cared and actually wanted to hear from me. This was when it really REALLY hit me just how UNtrue of a friend she was and that the only one that cared was me. So while she falsely accused me of “not thinking much of her,” it was really she who didn’t think much of me. That statement is now 100% correct, though. Sometimes we really do make people what we accuse/label them of being. Was she that scared of me for some reason that she couldn’t just tell me how she really felt? 

Being totally honest with myself, maybe I wasn’t 100% true either. The more she smothered me, the more I’d secretly wish she’d get a BF or something to tie up more of her time. I’d wish the same with Andy, hoping he’d trade Facebook and Ask in for a BF, but I knew both of them would be single all their lives with plenty of time on their hands. 

I can’t believe I was too blind to see Aly’s craziness. All these years and I really thought she cared and was smart enough to see Kim and Molly’s true colors. Well, she was smart enough actually. She just chose to ignore the red flags since she so obviously likes crazy people. She truly is drawn to a nut as some women are drawn to abusive men. I just didn’t get this at first and how she could continue to bother with them after voicing her suspicions in public accounts they were unaware of and actually seeing the evidence right in front of her face. No matter how in her face and obvious their phoniness and lies were, and the fact that they never gave a shit about her, it never seemed to matter. She’d just keep coming back for more. More lies, more phoniness, etc. Aly also noticed and even admitted that Kim lacked empathy. What kind of person wants a friend like that? Which, as she says, isn’t always there for her when she needs a friend. 

Speaking of that, even her own parents don’t think much of her. On her birthday she blogged and tweeted about how not one single person, including her parents, cared to remember her birthday. I wondered if she realized that was mostly her own damn fault as she threw herself her little pity party. I would have cared and I would’ve remembered her birthday had she not dumped me for being too sane, too honest, and not afraid to speak my mind where her “friends” were concerned and where her clinginess was concerned. I also realized that even if a thousand people wished her a happy birthday, she still would’ve complained. Enough is never enough for her. Even she tweeted a month or so ago that she’d given up trying to figure out what it is she wants. She’s just a very selfish, miserable, depressed, demanding person who is never going to be happy no matter who does what for her. 

Her intelligence and intuitiveness were what really fooled me, I think. I’ve never encountered a crazy person before who was delusional, paranoid, two-faced, spiteful, dishonest, negative and emotional who was also smart. She thirsts for the mental cases as if she feels that’s all she deserves, and maybe she does. She even loves to be abused sexually. 

I actually came to realize about a year ago that she wasn’t as stable as I gave her credit for; I just didn’t see the extent of it. Looking back on things now, a lot of things I found odd or confusing now make sense. 

As Tom pointed out, anyone can be crazy. He also reminded me that the things she told me weren’t true. I do believe, however, that she battled both breast cancer and now blood leukemia, and I do believe she was with the FBI. She worked Cyber Defense and then as a pervert analyst until the FBI realized how unstable she was and fired her ass. Her BF promptly dumped her and she moved in with her parents where she’s been for years. She was jobless for years too, but then started working as a nanny. She’s friendless and loveless and has nothing but emotional and health issues galore. 

She lied to me a while back and said she finally came to see Kim and Molly’s true colors and had forever cut ties with them. I was happy to hear this, not just for obvious reasons in that it was a healthy choice on Aly’s part, but because then I would be less likely to be caught up in any drama. Meanwhile, I would go days without hearing from her, led to believe she wasn’t active on Twitter, and that our only means of communication was via email. This was before we began texting. She’d always tell me she wasn’t online for days at a time and found it “less depressing” that way. Well, I don’t remember how, but I eventually stumbled upon a Twitter account of hers and there she was happily exchanging tweets with both Kim and Molly. 

Every. Single. Day. 

Although one has the right to pick and choose their own friends, I found it sad and odd that one who was supposedly as smart as she was would choose to spend more time hanging with those who were so mentally and sociably unstable as well as potentially dangerous. Remember, one’s on disability and one’s in a group home. Neither of them has ever or will ever reside alone. They’re always in someone’s custody and always will be. 

So I called her out on it and then dumped her. Soon afterward, I felt bad about it, shrugged it off and said, “Eh, to each their own,” and chose to focus on her good points if she’d let me, and she did let me back into her life. From there on out, I thought she’d be a little more honest with me and I truly did think she actually cared for me. I really did. Stupid me, though, huh? 

As time passed she became more and more demanding and moody, never satisfied with what time and attention I took the time to give her. She used to say that if you gave Molly an inch, she’d demand a mile. Well, Aly was becoming more and more a mirror image of Molly, minus the threats. She was clingy, depressed and suicidal, but little did I know just how two-faced, phony and insane she also was. But now her true colors are shining through as brilliant as the sunlight itself, and I cannot and will not ever forgive her any more than I knew I’d ever forgive Kim. I am so totally not open to any new friends either. Ever. If it weren’t for the guilt I’d feel, I’d dump my existing ones, but why punish them on account of her shit? If they dump me or give me a reason to dump them, well fine. But as long as they haven’t done anything wrong to me they can remain in my circle. My only rule is no newbies and no oldies. Aly, Andy, Nane, Maliheh and any others that are in the past are going to STAY in the past. This is why I try to be as unforgiving as possible. I forgave her just to get shit on even worse. Well, no more forgiving anyone for anything! 

Like I said, I can kind of see where Andy can be so mistrusting. I’m not as extreme as he is, though, otherwise I’d think everyone was a liar. Literally. He thinks even those he’s been closest to for years are liars, and maybe some of them are, but still, if I think someone’s lying or I’m “excited” about not hearing from someone for two weeks, then I probably won’t bother associating with them in the first place. I don’t do the toxic friend syndrome. 

Well, I’m not going to get so paranoid as to assume everyone’s a liar, but I’m not open to newbies as far as friendships go and I make no apologies for it either. I’m not ashamed to have just a few friends. I have enough self-respect to look out for myself. I know I deserve better than what Aly feels she deserves, but for her, it’s not just what she feels she deserves, but what she craves. She literally thirsts for the sickos. 

Just the fact that she’d constantly create and delete various accounts on Facebook, Twitter and email services was a red flag enough to make me wonder if she was doing something wrong. What was she running from? What was she hiding? 

Not surprisingly, she dumped the email account I’d emailed her at, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s changed phone numbers by now. She’s the ONLY one I know that has so many damn accounts coming and going, which is usually a sign one’s up to no good. Kim’s the same way, but I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the things they do together which are mainly impersonations, celebrity stalking/worshipping, stories and shit like that. 

Anyway, after discovering the Twitter account, I made sarcastic but honest replies to several of her tweets, laughing to myself at the thought of how she probably wasn’t expecting me to find the account, and thinking of her reaction to finding so many notifications awaiting her sorry ass. 

Oh, do let me share some, LOL. In one she said “I know J has health issues preventing her from losing weight, but I’m not her. I’m happy I can take 15K steps a day.” 

Well, so could I if I chose to or needed to, but more isn’t necessarily better. And she’s right… she’s not me. If she were she’d have the guts to be more honest and have some self-respect for herself. 

I wonder, though, if she realizes just how heavy she is or at least has been in the past. I know she’s lost weight due to the chemo and all that, but I’ve seen pics of her on Photobucket from before her double mastectomy when she was a 40C, and she looked it, too. She’s about my height and she had to have easily weighed at least 150 pounds. I just wonder if she either has a distorted perception of herself or plays down her weight. It may explain why there haven’t been any body shots of her in years that I know of. I’ve seen plenty of pics of her from her late 20s to early 30s, though, and she clearly had a weight problem at least back then. I’m sure I’m much bigger than she is right now, though. But what I was trying to tell her was that the older she gets the easier it will be to gain weight and the harder it will be to get it off and keep it off. That’s all I meant. 

I was LMAO when I got up this morning to find the reaction I expected to find… that she’d blocked me. I logged out and read her tweets just for kicks. In the midst of bickering back and forth with Kim about the same old problems she’s always had with her, but that she’s oh so addicted to, she said something to the effect of me failing if my aim was to make her cry. Actually, I had no specific aim. I was just venting for my own self-gratification. 

She also said something about me never finding her other online friends. 

I don’t care to find them. They didn’t do anything to me so I don’t care to find them, whoever they may be. 

“Was I supposed to learn something by this?” she asked. 

Naw. I’d say that if she can’t learn from the same damn mistakes she keeps making year after year then she’s pretty unteachable. Intentional ignorance? Or not as intelligent as I gave her credit for being? I guess only she knows. 

Kim’s just as fucked in the head as she is for not seeing Aly’s true colors. After all, they’ve been friends longer and had more contact with each other. I’m sure that even if someone spelled out to Kim the fact that Aly’s given me her address and told me TONS of personal shit about her and her family, she still wouldn’t believe it. She’s not the type to believe anything she doesn’t want to believe. She’s a selective believer, you could say. 

Really sorry I gave the split bitch my own address, but if it were ever abused, she knows I have hers as well. :) 

She also says she reported me. Gee, that hurts. Especially since I was about to deactivate with or without finding her account, as I just can’t get into Twitter these days, though I did try. Initially, I was going to use it for the highlights of my life, but it’s just as easy to track these things in Word. Word is safer too, in that I have more control over it. When we use other sites they can be hacked or shut down. I just didn’t want to deactivate till I knew she’d seen my tweets because I didn’t know if deactivating would delete all that or not. So report away, Drama Queen! 

Not saying I won’t reactivate in the future, but for now, I have no use for Twitter other than to maybe peek in on her (until she goes private or deactivates) just for shits and giggles at the twistedness of their “relationship.” She blasted Kim for “going on and on about me as now she guarantees she’s asking me to go after her now.” 

Wrong. I don’t care to waste time on Kim. That’s why I blocked all the accounts of hers I could find before I shut down. 

Here’s where it gets confusing. Even Aly doesn’t get it. Kim tweeted, “I'll just go to the P-word during her peak hours when she's around. She's doing this to be an attention-seeking loser.” 

What P-word? Aly’s guesses are “police” and “parent.” That’s more guesses than I have. 

And just what are my “peak” hours? Kim loves to hide so I can’t see her end of the conversation in its entirety. 

Kim also tweets, “Tweets deleted but still she bashes me no matter what. She's being an immature brat and I know what to do anyways.” 

Really? I haven’t “bashed” her (what she really means is me simply telling it like it was when she’d stalk and harass me) in quite a while. Any recent mentions of her are basically in connection to Aly. Ex: Aly’s obsessed with nutjobs like Kim, etc. 

Twice Aly’s insisted I’m driven by something “far more pathetic than just wanting attention.” 

I am? Come on, I want to hear what that is! Tell me! I’d really love to know. ROTFL, ok, call me utterly and totally childish where this is concerned, but this is getting beyond amusing and entertaining. Really this is totally fucking funny as hell. Oh, Aly, please don’t deactivate or go private this time around! Please don’t! I’d be in tears. Really want to know what’s driving me and what’s “more pathetic than a need for attention.” Let’s hear it from the Jodi expert. :) 

To Kim she tweets: “In all honesty, I don't care what she knows about at this point.” 

Kim sounds a bit paranoid, ay? 

She also tweets to Kim, “Huh? I did a couple of tweets this morning. I wouldn't say I'm giving her that much attention.” 

Uh, you gave me more than a few, I’m afraid. You just went and deleted them is all. Including the one where you insist I can’t take how happy you are without my negative, spiteful self in your life. 

Ok, that concludes the part of my life with the “happy” loser who will grow old and die alone after many years of living with Mommy and Daddy. 

Enjoy the crazies, Aly! 

Later… 

I’m kinda tired, mostly due to PMS. I haven’t even worked on my story or taken my language lesson. I guess that’s what I get for wasting time LMAO at some of society’s waste products. I can’t wait for tomorrow’s updates, LOL. 

Tom’s blood and apple juice numbers have all come back perfect… yes!!! He had his appointment today with his PCP (some Middle Eastern guy) as he does every 6 months, and all is dandy. His BP is only slightly high, and his low sleep HR isn’t dangerous in accordance with what his waking HR is. So where I’m a definite tachycardia, he’s not really a bradycardia. 

My numbers aren’t up yet. At least I know nothing scary came back in my blood tests or else they’d have called. 

I still get a little bummed out at times that no matter what I do and no matter what I eat, my weight simply won’t budge. The few pounds I keep gaining and losing every month isn’t really weight, but water. That tells me that my weight is literally locked in. Literally locked into place for life unless I either stopped working out and started stuffing myself to drive my weight up, or started starving to drop it, neither of which is going to happen. 

For me, it’s not about being skinny but about not having control over my own damn body, and that gets to me at times. But hey, I have a disease that’s not my fault and that’s not going away either. Doc Hottie did warn me that levothyroxine would not cause weight loss. But it did stop me from gaining so it’s not a total loss, and I know that spending too much time dwelling on the things I can’t change isn’t very productive. 

My hunger levels are going up due to the PMS, another thing I can’t change. Carbs definitely help get rid of hunger, though, better than protein, even though protein’s probably healthier. 

I eat healthy overall and I keep active, though I’m always going to be 20-30 pounds overweight, and right now I feel like I have a whole swimming pool’s worth of water on me. I’m way bloated! 

When we were out walking the other day, we noticed that the house next to the one the annoying contractor lives in has been taken off the market. The one that used to have a dog outdoors overnight and that probably still has little kids living there. Again, I don’t know how they can pull that off for as long as they have and get away with it, but it doesn’t affect me directly so I don’t complain. The trailer’s been coming and going more often, too. 

Even though I slept late, today was annoying as hell. Landscaping galore… motorcycles and other loud traffic roaring through… 

I not only received and enjoy my new facial cleanser/massager, but we also like the ultrasonic cleaner he picked out, too. We put our wedding rings in it and they’re noticeably shinier. We also cleaned our glasses.