Sometimes I still think maybe I oughta dump the rest of my friends and just delete or at least disappear on them, but I still can’t bring myself to do so. Especially not Mitch, Christine and Adonis on Facebook or Eileen and my VH sisters. I could disappear from my journal followers more easily than I could cut off my Facebookers. 

I am sure, however, that I’ll never again be open to new friends. I don’t care what they look like, who they are, or what they may have to offer either. The drama is just way too old for me and I’m tired of having to dump people or being dumped by them. 

In 2010 Lisa demanded I apologize for something I had absolutely no knowledge of so we could “move on.” Did she really want me to lie to her? And did she really expect us to go on as if nothing happened? As if she didn’t go from sweet and kind one minute to screaming false accusations the next? Well, she obviously can’t “move on” and neither will I where she’s concerned. 

It also still bothers me that so few people ever sought me out on Facebook and places like that. I mean maybe they did and just didn’t reach out to me. Or maybe they did reach out and I didn’t get the message. Facebook makes it very hard to contact people who aren’t in our circle. I’m making a point of not peeking in on Nane and a few others periodically, as once again, that’s just me going to them. I looked up and reached out to so many people over the years yet who looked for me other than Lisa until she ruined our relationship? 

Even my Italian parents. Yes, I loved the hell out of them and they loved me, but why couldn’t they – if they didn’t have a computer of their own – ask someone they knew to see if they could find me and see what was up with me? 

Other than maybe one or two people, no classmates ever reached out to me. No teachers ever reached out to me. No neighbors ever reached out to me (not that I’d want most of them to do so). And of course, Tom’s family couldn’t care less. 

Sometimes I envy him, though. Not just for being friendless, but for being family-less as well. I said I didn’t want us to have to go through another crisis without family, but what if we did lose the place in the future? How could Tammy save us when she has less money than we do? Furthermore, being on the streets wouldn’t be nearly as terrifying as what I went through with my health. 

I still have mixed emotions about my family. Sarah’s temper was a bit scary, and remember, her other aunt threw her out without warning. No one does that to their own niece unless they’re either batshit crazy or their niece does something pretty damn scary. 

When the subjects of God, the parents and Bill came up, as I knew they would, Tammy still showed signs of being in love with Bill and on his side even though she “understands why I did it.” I mean look at her eulogy to Mom alone. That shows that she’ll accept, love and respect an abuser just like Aly will be quick to embrace a lying nutjob. I’d bet almost anything that she is in fact friends with Molly. They may not talk regularly, and Molly may not be allowed online regularly, but their friends. No doubt about it. 

There’s also the unnerving fact that Tammy wouldn’t hesitate to get me in jail if the opportunity presented itself and she was pissed off enough to do it. Remember, she tried to sell her own kid out with the Workman’s Comp thing. If she can rake her own kid over the coals, why not her sister? 

So yeah, you could say I still have mixed emotions at times. I’m just trying to remain in the gray. Instead of contacting family daily or never, I just come around every now and then, especially with my nieces. It’ll be months before I hear from them again, no doubt. 

Later… 

Went bike riding but had to cut it short. My heart started booming and my ass was killing me. Not used to biking, not used to this seat. 

Then I ended up having an asthma attack. First one since last fall. I don’t know if there was something in the air or what, but after a half-hour of trying to cough up the wheeze and congestion, I finally got brave enough to shoot it out with the Ventolin inhaler I got from Dr. A last December. It’s still hard for me to just take medication in general, even though I was on inhalers for many years before quitting smoking (a preventative inhaler besides a rescue inhaler). I try to tough things out on my own, even if it means I have to suffer a bit, but it just wasn’t going away on its own so I shot it out. First time I ever used this inhaler. Nowadays they have counters. I have 203 puffs left, but hopefully, I’d have to live another century before I used them all up. I was afraid the thing would make me jittery and more congested, but it didn’t. It stopped the wheezing and congestion in an instant. 

Despite being run through the wringer a bit, emotionally I’ve been great. No anxiety or any negative emotions to speak of and I hope it stays that way now that I’ve fully recovered from the higher thyroid dose. That’s the shitty thing about that drug. You don’t get better the instant you stop. It takes about 3 months to really recover. 

I awoke in the night and made a mental note of all the dreams I could remember, but now I can’t remember a thing. Oh well. 

For now I am wondering what annoying project will steal my peace tomorrow. At least it’s been peaceful so far this weekend. I’m going to go enjoy the rest of the peace while it lasts. Perhaps a Netflix binge is in order.