Feeling kind of blah now. The
nights are peaceful (somewhat) but they can be a bit lonely. But then so can
the weekdays when I’m alone. Sometimes I wish I was “normal” and had a job
instead of a sleep curse and driving phobia. More distractions would be a good
thing for me and make alone time more special.
Still calm but definitely
lightheaded. It’s ok. I’m used to it. Besides, if it wasn’t that it would just
be something else. Something that might be worse. Been pretty productive
story-wise, though, sharing bits and pieces in my story account.
No updates from Tammy or the
girls, even though Tammy has been online. I guess they just don’t have much
info yet. Gotta wonder, though… If the tables were turned and it was me in the
hospital, how concerned would they be? Not saying Tammy wouldn’t be concerned
but I wonder just how often they would ask for updates.
I looked at an aerial view of
Tammy’s place to try to get a sense of what may be making it so quiet there as
opposed to here. Well, she definitely isn’t as choked off by houses and
driveways as we are, and the streets being skinnier would probably deter as
much street parking. However, even though her park is half the size of ours she
is towards the entrance and I would think most of the people that live there
would have to drive by her place. Does Florida simply not have as many loud
vehicles? She should be hearing the same thunderous traffic we do. Where I’m
cursed with noise maybe she’s just blessed?
There are some houses in her
park that might be an ideal location but I still think that these days, with
people becoming less considerate, vehicles getting louder, and the population
rising, there isn’t much difference between an apartment and a house be it in
the mainstream or not. So like I said, best to focus on cost and the place
itself and not what’s around it when we move.
The sky was anything but
peaceful last night. What we’re pretty sure were police helicopters were
swarming around the area for about 40 minutes at 3am. Pretty sure I heard one
talking from a speaker. So they were probably in pursuit of a suspect.
Blood pressure was high
before bed but good when I got up. The French bread pizza I had before bed was
probably responsible for the rise in BP as well as the stomach pains I had
yesterday since it was a bit greasy. Definitely done with that stuff. I may not
care enough about being fat to count calories and put up with the hunger that
would go with losing weight that only comes right back, but I definitely need
to go back to reading nutrition labels if only for the sodium and cholesterol
content. I’d rather look like shit than feel like shit.
What was probably UPS ended
up waking me up as they went crashing into the speed bump. I fell back asleep
for a couple more hours, but still, I don’t think I’ve been woken up this often
since my apartment days. Used to it or not, it’s fucking ridiculous, daytime
sleeper half the time or not.
Geri’s evening party didn’t
get as annoying as I expected. That loud car left after visiting for an hour
like it did last night (from the other side of the circle), and one of Geri’s
visitors had an incredibly loud car as well that left shortly after that. Plus,
somebody’s mutt was barking for several minutes. Now, it’s quiet until the sky
drama begins, and between 1-2 a.m. when that semi-loud vehicle comes around
that delivers the paper.
Unless it’s for traffic, I
don’t like to break my stride, so Tom can go walking with me as long as he
doesn’t get stuck on paranoid and feel he has to stop me because some sensitive
pussy that I’m not even talking to might not like something I say. Yeah, that’s
another thing that bothers me. We’ve been on this blame trend worse than ever
before. These days everyone’s responsible for our own behavior but us. 30, 40
years ago you didn’t have people being blamed for people’s suicide attempts and
all kinds of other shit. I thought we were supposed to be responsible for our
own actions.
Another thing that bothers me
is the dual standards. It still seems that everything is okay for others but
not for me. These are totally 100% hypothetical examples, but say we were in a
restaurant and the people next to me heard me say something most people
wouldn’t consider politically correct, then got up and beat the shit out of me.
How much you want to bet that everyone, probably even Tom, would put the blame
on me and say it was my fault, I should’ve kept my mouth shut, and I was
responsible for my own attack and their actions?
Now let’s turn the tables,
again, totally hypothetical. Let’s say I heard them say something unkosher, got
up, and kicked the crap out of them (I wouldn’t give a shit what some stranger
said to another, though). Again, why do I think that somehow, I would get shit
like “you had no right to do that,” “they weren’t talking to you,” “you could
have just ignored it,” “you could have moved,” “you could have left
altogether?”
So it would all be on me.
Right?
I still don’t like the lack
of defense I seem to get compared to most people either. Again, a hypothetical
example, and defending me doesn’t have to mean one has to get all
confrontational on my behalf. But let’s say Tammy was like, “Well, how come you
can’t just set your alarm and get up at the same time every day? Huh? How come?
Why is it so damn hard?”
Couldn’t he at least say
(along with me) something as simple as how it’s easier said than done? That a
doctor wouldn’t have diagnosed me with CRD just for fun? That there is no
treatment or cure right now for it?
Sometimes silence really can
speak a thousand words. In other words, it can give people the impression that
he’s on their side instead of mine just like my not fighting the legal shit
sent the wrong message. Sometimes it’s what you don’t do/say that can hurt you.
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