Meant to post this 17 hours ago so here it is now.

Started to feel a little borderline earlier and I wonder if I’m heading for trouble again. If I am, I hope it’s before the 15th, which is when I decide if I want to return to Dr. A. I used the Alexa app to create a checklist of topics I want to discuss with whatever doctor I do see.

Damn, I miss my old life! Well, not my old life but the old me.

Feeling stabs of anxiety in my chest makes me lean much more towards the meds as the main culprit than flares because even if I was flaring now I would think my TSH level would be too low to notice it. Still can’t believe peri could cause such intense anxiety but it makes a little bit of sense since I sometimes go a while without feeling it.

Always valuing the opinion of those I care about (unless they’re crazy), I asked Aly her opinion on the cemetery thing and seeing a new doctor. She believes in the paranormal but not so much in God. She said she thinks the cemetery affecting my health is possible but isn’t sure, especially since I don’t “feel” possessed or haunted in any way. I do sometimes wonder if there really could be something up there that’s picking on me but I’ve wondered that long before we came here. Also, it took a year before my problems started and not everyone here seems to be suffering as much. I still say it’s mostly the meds and a little peri.

She also said it can’t hurt to get a fresh perspective on my health. Worst-case scenario, the new doctor doesn’t help me but is definitely closer. Yes, I hate to start all over but I’ve been seeing Dr. A for 3.5 years now, and guess what? I’m still anxious. She may have tried to do something about it, but denying the medication is not helping me. If I’m right about it being the root cause then we need to go directly to the source and deal with that, not trying to cover it up with psych drugs that have side effects that stop working in time.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense is why I can sometimes go for weeks or even a few months without any significant issues. Also, if my thinning hair is a lack of thyroid and not the medication and age like I think it is, then why wasn’t my hair just as thin if not thinner before I was diagnosed and my TSH was higher than when I do a lot of skipping?

Speaking of hair, another thing I asked Aly’s opinion on is whether or not I should cut my bangs back. I’m due for a trim and I think I might just do that because of how thin it’s gotten and because I’m sick of it always being in my face. She said she’s seen pictures of me with bangs and thinks it makes me look younger. I think it makes me look fatter but I don’t care. Comfort is more important but as a side effect of that, it may look less thin and less gray with more of my hairline covered by them. So yeah, I think I’m ready to get “banged” again even though it’s a pain in the ass to keep up on. Sooner or later I’m going to want to keep it at the shoulders too. I definitely don’t have the patience I used to for long hair and I don’t have the hair I used to have anyway. No woman in her 50s, dead thyroid or not, has the hair she had in her 20s. It looks fried, shabby and witchy. It would be easier to dye it shorter too, but I’m not quite ready to cut it yet. The bangs, yes.

I was pissed off earlier because someone was having a party just over the wall. Carolyn says they don’t hear car stereos inside their house. Figures. But they do have new windows and they don’t have so many huge windows like we have in the living room. Also, Trisha is closer to them than Geri is to us and that would block some of the sounds. She could hear the little concert going on when she was out watering, she said.

We’ve traded in music for planes and the planes are getting louder lately, too. I’m not sure if they’re flying low or closer or if they’re different planes and maybe even helicopters. I’m just sick of how noisy my world has gotten day AND night. Where in the world can you go to get any peace these days that isn’t out in the boonies?

Aly’s traded in slamming doors, fighting adults and screaming kids for parking, traffic and trains but would rather the latter. Me too. But sometimes I just want SILENCE! Yet no matter where you live or what you live in, it seems life is noisy pretty much everywhere. Still find it hard to believe that it’s that quiet in the Twenties place. I think they’re either hard of hearing or they just don’t notice it as much, like maybe they have a higher tolerance for noise or something.

We were going to get these tests that run your DNA from your saliva that tells you what health issues you’re likely to have as well as where your ancestors originated from but then decided against it because the results are too vague and iffy.

Later…

“Dwell on the dead, miss out on the living.”

“Dwell on the past, miss out on the present.”

I totally agree with these quotes and I feel bad for people like Marie and my nieces, who are apparently stuck in a rut and unable to move on. I thought I was bad at moving on, and I am to a degree. If you had a hand in abusing me as a child, be it physically, verbally or emotionally, I will never forgive you. If you had a hand in seeking legal vengeance upon me in Arizona in the name of hate and revenge, I will never forgive you. And I definitely won’t forget.

However, I choose not to dwell on or focus on their actions on a regular basis like I did when I was younger. Why? Because nothing can change what they’ve done nor is that helping me in any way. All that does is let them win. But apparently, some people can’t get over shit that was done to them 50 years ago and have allowed it to interfere with their daily lives. As I learned, if I keep obsessing over shit that happened in the past, I’ll only miss out on what’s going on at the moment and it could affect my future, too.

Another thing that worries me a bit is how focused on the departed some people can be as opposed to the living. As much as I miss my foster parents, that too, is something I realize is pointless to think of or make a note of regularly because nothing can bring them back and I just think there comes a point in time when you don’t forget, of course, but you really do need to move on. If you don’t, you stay stuck in a rut and you basically miss out on the living. Sometimes I want to shake these people and say, “Hey! Come on, look around you. You’ve got good things going for you and people who are alive and care about you very much.” But I know it’s not my place to do so.

But still, I feel sad for those held back by their emotions and experiences, and while I’ve certainly been there myself, if I can find the strength to stop living in the past and be held back by what can’t be undone, so can they. I know some of the people I’m thinking of have seen therapists and while that can certainly help, the rest has to be up to us.

I could cry and bitch and moan about all I’ve lost and all that’s gone wrong in my life, and sometimes I do, but the more I do this, the more I lose sight of what’s positive in my life like the man who has always been there for me, my bestie, our upcoming trip to Hawaii and many other things. Our dearly departed aren’t coming back and nothing’s going to undo what some evil, insecure, jealous-driven or hateful asshole did to us way back when.

I rarely check most people’s profiles on social media, but every now and then I peek in on some folks in hopes of finding that they’ve moved on at least somewhat and aren’t so stuck in past losses and events that can never be changed. I think they would find life would be a lot easier on them if they did, but I also realize that everyone handles things in life differently and only they can decide when to let go of what - not completely but at least a little - and dive into the moment and the future as well.

So, here’s my own mix of negative and positive. I slept shittily and am still lightheaded, but no headache after using the rash ointment again today. Yay! Got the house clean, laundry done, workout completed, and now I’m looking forward to a fun, relaxing but productive weekend. Will be writing the night away, planes and freeway traffic noise or not. :)

Later…

One of the K-cup pods includes a mystery flavor. It has a big question mark on it. Definitely going to try that one when I get up. Got a Sleepytime tea bag ready for when they wake me up, too. Yeah, the little traffic bastards woke me up now that I’m rolling on to nights. The loud car didn’t visit so they didn’t wake me up but the garbage truck did.

First, I woke up a few hours after I crashed because I was going from warm to cold and was burning and itching. This was about 6 AM. So I got up and peed, wiped myself with a wet wipe, and then it took 2 baby Benadryl and 1 hour to fall back asleep. Never had any tea, though I did get up long enough to bitch to Tom about it on Skype.

I fell back asleep until 11:30 when the neck knockers woke me up which I still think is mostly due to my ears and being hyperaware, as Tom says, because my blood pressure wasn’t that high. The upper number is usually in the 130s.

Then in another hour, it was the garbage truck’s turn to wake me up. About a half-hour later I finally dragged myself out of bed, not wanting my schedule to jump too much and knowing that they’re going to fuck with my sleep for the next week or so that I’m on nights.

Been lightheaded on and off and totally regret not seeing the ENT sooner. Really hope she alleviates my lightheadedness when I do see her! Meanwhile, I’ve got another month of lightheadedness to go. Tom thinks some of it is still the peri. I’d rather that than anxiety. Anything is better than that. I’m stable so far today.

No music yet tonight but there are tons of loud planes that might be helicopters swarming about and I reckon they will until after midnight. The shit really does get old. No doubt that this place holds the record for planes, landscaping and traffic noise.