What will it be today, folks? Hammering? Sawing? Landscaping? More traffic? You might as well be in an apartment in this case. An apartment in a high-rise overlooking the ocean in Florida would probably be quieter than this place. The thing is, though, that I’ve noticed those places usually aren’t apartments but condos that cost at least a quarter-million dollars.

Hopefully, the van that was working in back won’t return after Labor Day to resume its pounding and sawing of whatever they were working on. It will be interesting to see if the planes are back to a full-time annoyance at that time, too. Yesterday sucked. I cooked to Bob’s blower. I peed to Lawrence’s sawing, and for THREE hours I worked to the tune of the trash and recycle trucks worming their way around here.

We owe around $700 to my dermatologist and he’s still paying off his MRI. Living in Cali, it’s a damn shame we’re not illegals because then everything would be paid for. But as I was telling a friend, you know how most of the country is, illegals and immigrants first, citizens second.

My body has slowly been resetting its weight, as it always does, through constipation. I don’t know what its desperateness to hang on to its weight is all about but there’s no way I could go over 155 eating the way I have been. It should help my BP and cholesterol scores, too.

My TMJ has been driving me nuts again but I don’t think it’s all about TMJ. I think it’s also damaged nerves since they couldn’t just leave me the hell alone and the way I was meant to be, and it seems the tube connecting the ear and throat may not drain properly.

Although I don’t know why, I’ve been having nightmares even though nothing bad is going on. Annoying at times but not bad. I’ve woken up several times the last two nights, even though I usually sleep better at night, although I don’t feel tired. My schedule has jumped fast this last week as it usually does when I’m on days. It’s almost like something’s in a hurry to get me back on nights so it can have fun using traffic to add to the wake-up calls.

Anyway, I forgot to write about the nightmare I had two nights ago. I don’t know why, but they were going to execute me in one week. All I could think about was getting ahold of menus because I wanted to spend my final week eating and sleeping, like I would be able to do either one of those if I knew they were going to kill me! But I was determined to get some good egg foo yung from the local Chinese place, LOL.

Last night it was about a serial killer in the area. They would call their victims first using this thing to electronically alter their voice. One night, it was my turn to get such a call. I was living in a house with at least three other people, but don’t know who they were.

I decided to play dumb in order to lure the killer out so they could be captured. It was then that I realized, when I thought of certain things that had happened over the last few days, that they had somehow hacked my computer and knew my every digital move.

I crept through the darkened house and used the bathroom. As I was exiting the bathroom, I heard the whirring sound of the electronic lock on the front door sliding open, even though I hadn’t heard the beeping of the code being punched in first.

The dream ended with me fumbling blindly in the dark and in a panic, screaming to warn the others in the house.

You know, although I can’t prove it, sometimes I get the feeling that someone with an awful lot of intelligence and cunning has hacked my computer and knows my every account and action within it. Someone like Aly. Not sure how she would bypass accounts with unrecognized browser notifications wired into their system, but it’s just a feeling I’ve had. If this is true and not me just being paranoid, then she’ll just have to sit and quietly deal with finding some things she may wish they didn’t find being as sensitive as she is. I would think all the protection I’ve got on this Mac would weed her out, but still. How does she not only find so many of my accounts, despite search services listing them, how has she known so many things she shouldn’t have known, smart or not? She knew when I was trolling Molly with Kathy on the old MyOpera. She knew every question I’ve asked her on Ask. Ask doesn’t warn users of unrecognized browsers and neither did MO. Makes me wonder if she’s read my private blogs, but let her. Let her get all upset by them if she’s going to hack into them and maybe even my PC as well.

Tom set up web hosting for his apps’ privacy policy and all that legal stuff pertaining to ads and whatnot. Hoping he’ll make more than enough sales to pay the costs and then some, but I still have my doubts. It’s not about how good you are in this case, it’s about the odds. There’s a lot of competition out there these days when it comes to apps, yet he seems pretty confident he can generate a few hundred bucks a month. Well, let’s hope so because I sure can’t!

I’ve been thinking of getting into web design but want to see how it goes for him first. Not my number one career choice but sometimes you just gotta take what you can get, especially when you’re stuck at home.

Once again I’ve given up on voice blogging. There’s always a problem with recording. Always. Every single fucking site has problems.

38 days till menopause!

My fingernails look better, and I polished my toes with one of the dollar store nail polishes to see if I get the same discoloration there. So glad Tammy has a medical background! It’s always good when a family member is knowledgeable in something you have no interest in because that way, if you do need help or have any questions, there’s someone you can turn to. If everybody was into the same things, that wouldn’t always be very helpful.

I still want so badly to tell her narcissistic brats off. All three of them. But I won’t do it out of respect for her. She’s had enough shit in life and despite any shit she’s put me through both directly and not, I don’t want to upset her unnecessarily. If I’m still alive and able to do so when she dies, I’ll have my say then.

I hope Hurricane Dorian doesn’t get her state too bad, but right now it’s not looking good. Part of me wishes I was there for the excitement since I love storms, but I’m also glad I’m not.

Since I’m posting journals on Tumblr that mention Jai, I looked him up out of curiosity, and if the information is correct, he’s been living in New York for the last 20 years or so. He’s on a street full of 6-story brick buildings that’s practically right on the Hudson. His building is sandwiched between that and the Harlem River.

He never became the doctor he wanted to be from what I looked up. Besides, I wouldn’t think a doctor would live where he’s living. It really doesn’t seem much different than Springfield. Just an ordinary apartment building in the city. But why did he go there and what is he doing? If he didn’t become a doctor, I wonder why. He certainly seems smart enough so if he didn’t change his mind then maybe something came up beyond his control.

He’s 56 now and doesn’t seem to ever have owned a house, been married or had kids, so who knows what he’s been up to all these years? I would think he would still be connected to the medical field somehow. I don’t remember him ever expressing any other interest other than fitness. We used to take walks together and he loved bike riding.

The email I sent to his MSN account bounced and no one answered the wireless numbers I tried. Can’t help but be curious as to what he’s been up to all these years and I’m sure he would be very surprised to learn I got out of the Northeast.

We really can’t go long without a project here, can we? Five-Star Restoration is at Lawrence’s place now, parked in the street between our houses. They do mold, fire and water damage removal. Thought I’d been hearing door-slamming back there the last couple of days. Today, I not only saw the van parked back there but they added some thumping to the mix as well. Knowing this will go on all day and no doubt be a multi-day project, I’m under the headphones. With these many houses this close it’s always a stressor as I get close to appointments, not just due to traffic, but dreading if someone breaks out a project at the wrong time. Really hope they’re done before I roll onto nights! I can’t express just how sick and fucking tired I am of having to hear it every time someone around here has a project.

Other than the usual annoyances, I’ve been doing much better these last couple of days. I have felt calm and did a half-hour of cardio outdoors and will soon do my strength training indoors.

Becky made it to Missouri yesterday. So happy for her! But envious too, since we’ll certainly never get to live in the place we vacationed in and fell in love with.

With this being the longest time since I’ve had to hear that loud car, I looked in on the punk’s account to see if I could learn why, but there haven’t been any updates since April. I’m sure the prick will be back one of these days, though.

I ended up being quite the social butterfly yesterday. I’m still wary of people as too many bad experiences have taught me that people can’t be trusted, but it’s nice to socialize every now and then.

I emailed Dixie early in the morning to let her know I would be available to visit if she wanted company and she said she’d call after a phone appointment with her doctor to discuss some blood test results.

When she called, I grabbed a container of pistachio nuts on my way out for us to munch on while we chatted.

On my way down, I spotted Bob and Virginia on their patio, so I made a quick detour to say hello. Virginia loved my hot pink tank dress and pink strappy shoes.

She asked what I had with me and I told her they were pistachio nuts and that since Dixie usually feeds me when I visit her, I thought I would return the favor. I guess they’ve met because Virginia said, “Isn’t that the one with the little girl that rides the Pride bus?”

I said, “Well, she’s 72, but yes, that’s Diane who rides the bus.”

When I got to Dixie’s place, she said she’d just eaten a bunch of pistachios, haha. Sure enough, there was a small plate of shells by her chair.

Then I was surprised by a few things she told me, though I’m not sure if she’s talking about who I think she’s talking about or if she’s even remembering things correctly. As she herself admits, her memory has really gone to hell.

She said that shortly after moving in, she asked Bob if her taillights were working and he was grumpy and in a hurry and all that. I’m just not sure if it really is Bob she’s referring to.

This was the motor mouth’s funniest…she and Santa hit it off right away, she said. But then she looks at me and says, “Does he look like my type?

Before I could tell her that she never told me what her type is other than that she’s been happily single for 30 years after 3 shitty husbands, she said, “No! We just get along well and find each other friendly and easy to talk to.”

Then she tells me that his wife, whom I had yet to meet, was to go to Texas to a wedding and leave him behind. But then she decided not to go because she was jealous that something was going on between the two or would if she left town.

LMAO! Anything is possible as I wasn’t there, didn’t see what happened, and don’t know these people well, but somehow this strikes me as highly unlikely. Unlikely that Santa’s wife got even a teeny bit jealous, let alone enough to keep her from attending a wedding out of town.

I also learned that Dixie not only has a daughter but a son as well. That one she is connected with and I guess he calls and visits about every week which is typical.

Then when I asked how Diane was doing, she goes, “I don’t care. I don’t know and I don’t want to know.”

She really caught me off guard for a minute there until she realized I was asking about Diane and not her daughter. She said she realizes she must sound terrible speaking so harshly about her own daughter, but she’s had it with the way wealth and cocaine use have changed her for the worse.

She said something about her daughter picking on things she did when she was a kid and Dixie said, “I wasn’t perfect and I didn’t do everything right, but I didn’t do that bad of a job.”

Again, I wasn’t there, but I do find it hard to picture Dixie as an abusive mother. I’ve heard plenty about what cocaine can do to one’s mind and behavior, too.

Dixie has admitted that most of her family has had problems with drugs and alcohol. Even Dixie used to drink heavily.

She both likes and doesn’t like living here and said that the Tuesday landscaping frenzies get to her, too. It’s worse on those days, even though it’s a daily annoyance that’s soon to get worse as the leaves start coming down.

She doesn’t know if she’s going to stay here permanently or not. She doesn’t even know if Diane will always be with her, but assuming Dixie dies first, she’s going to have to eventually go somewhere. Although Dixie finds Diane a challenge at times, she feels that she gives her purpose in life.

Diane loves living here but is terrified of the shower for some reason.

She also threw me for a loop when she said the doctor said her thyroid was high because when I asked her what her TSH score was, she said 88. As I told her, that would mean she was off-the-charts hypo and not the other way around. Hell, my own score is in the 30s untreated and that’s considered severe. Then she told me 88 micrograms was what they were lowering her dose to, not her score.

She’d been taking 100. Damn! I cannot imagine taking that! Eighty-eight damn near killed me and I can barely handle 75. That’s why I’m thinking I’m going to stick with 50 indefinitely and take a 75 only once a week. If the number of anxious days per month goes down, then that will answer my question about the dose.

As Tom said when I expressed my fears of never being able to fully treat my thyroid, I’m treating it enough. It’s true, too. My skin is soft, and my hair and nails grow fast. I have no hypo symptoms at all. Also, my T4 has always been normal. So my body is definitely not starving for thyroid hormone.

I was surprised Dixie didn’t have any symptoms of being hyper. She wasn’t having a racy HR, losing weight, the runs or anything.

I sure had the runs from hell myself yesterday and I’m not sure why. Probably the change in diet. I’m down to 152, but as usual, I don’t look it because I’m solid. One my height in the 150s is typically going to have a waist in the 40s but mine is a 36. So I’m no skinny-mini but I’m no giant either.

While Dixie chatted non-stop, occasionally not making much sense, I was happy to fetch her mail for her as I offered to so she wouldn’t have to get in her car and drive to the mailboxes since she can’t walk well. A little out of it or not, nothing positive to say or not, I always enjoy our chats.

On the way back home was when I met Santa, whose real name is Ed, and his wife Joan. They were sitting out front and their two dogs were barking up a storm when they saw me and then I heard one across the street go off as well. I’m really glad I’m not further down that street!

I told Santa he met my husband Tom and that I was his wife and we all started talking. The dogs had been abused before they rescued them. The cuter one was barking and lunging toward me on its leash and Santa said she didn’t bite and just wanted attention. She did stop barking once I patted her.

Joan liked my dress too, and I laughed at the thought of one day dressing in something really boring and surprising everyone in the neighborhood since this pink princess is known for her colorful fashions. Maybe navy, white or gray. The thing is I have almost nothing in those colors.

Yesterday I rearranged my bedroom office a bit so now I have a coloring station and office in one so I can color while I listen to docs being read. Then I can stop and edit whatever needs editing.

I have nearly 300 entries posted on Tumblr which has gotten one known view so far from Houston.

I’m up to the fall of 1990 when I was with Brenda, and boy I’ll tell you, my struggles to find women were absolutely ridiculous. Even back then when people were less open about it and it was harder to connect with other lesbians or bisexuals since social media didn’t exist yet, I shouldn’t have had such a hard time snagging a woman. Oh, I could have had the butches from hell, but the feminine and in-between women shouldn’t have been so hard to obtain. All I could think was wow, was that not meant to be or what?! Now that’s someone who wasn’t meant to be with women. Women weren’t even that out of reach 100 years ago!

Since slipping down the rabbit hole I have slowly climbed back out over the last couple of days. Yesterday I felt better than the day before and today I feel even better. I don’t know that I’ll ever know the exact cause of why I suddenly had more anxiety than I’ve had in months, but I wonder if the striped nail dream was a sign. Something bad almost always happens after I have a bad dream about myself or someone I know. It’s just not always what I saw in the dream.

Taking the day off from working out because my muscles are stiff. Probably going to take a walk down to Dixie’s place later and do more painting. Ran out of one of my blues but had some leftover paint from other projects and found a shade that matches.

Set up a blog on Tumblr where I’m slowly posting journals one entry at a time. It’s going fast because I’m not titling the entries or backdating them and they have a 250-post limit per day which I doubt I’ll ever reach because I still need to skim through what I’m posting even after doing a “replace all” of names and other things. I’m enclosing the dates the entries were written in the posts themselves. It’s just that I realized that as long as I change or drop last names and don’t have any sensitive info or anything that can specifically identify anyone, threats, slurs, or stuff like that in word-sensitive America, I’m not doing anything wrong. I am, however, keeping it pretty private. It’s one thing for a stranger to read that Tammy looked like shit on such and such a day but another for her to read it. I don’t want to offend anyone I personally know and care about, but if some stranger out there has a problem with me being liberal, for example, fuck them. Opted out of being searchable via search engines and created the account under a bogus email address so Aly can’t find it or anyone else that decides to look me up. The thing that sucks is that I can’t get my tracker to work. Oh well. Last I knew, Tumblr was pretty dead. It’s mostly for photos and music.

Feeling better today but still a bit shaken over yesterday. I guess all I can do is hope it was just an isolated thing and I’ll continue to have fewer anxious days. I’ll take a full dose on Mondays and leave it at that for a while.

Traffic woke me up once and so did a nightmare. When threatened in real life it tends to bring out the anger in me and make me feel provoked and ready to stand my ground and fight. Not in the nightmare, though. The guy there had me scared shitless.

I was alone with some old guy in a cabin in the woods that was pretty isolated. The cabin was tiny and square-shaped. I don’t know who the hell the guy was, but he seemed to be someone I was close to. He was thin yet seemed to be healthy and in pretty good shape.

It was nighttime, and when the guy opened the front door to the cabin, I saw a startled look on his face. I pulled the door open wider to see what had scared him and saw this hulking figure standing there. He was dressed in black and well over six feet tall. He simply stood there with one foot casually resting on the bottom of about 3 steps, not saying a single word. I couldn’t make out his features, his race, or anything. All I knew was that no giant in all-black came to a lone cabin at night without bad intentions.

The old guy slammed the door shut but didn’t lock it, so I quickly threw the deadbolt and ran to the back door to lock that too, even if the guy could have kicked his way in easily enough. The dream ended before I could get to the back door.

I was reading someone’s blog about how they get frustrated with “correct” terms changing constantly and how ex-cons are now referred to as parolees, the word “racist” is overused, and people are too sensitive. I can relate to this frustration at times. Now we can’t refer to an older woman as “old” or “elderly.” No, now she must be “mature.” But how long will it be before “mature” becomes the new dirty word? When will “curvy” be offensive? Colored people, black people, people of color, African American, not white… Well, like it or not, I prefer to stick with what I was originally taught. So, for someone who’s 53, I’m getting old. Oh, and I have about 30 lb. of fat on me and I’m not black. :-)

We took the car to be washed yesterday morning and got some things from Walmart.

Went walking together, and in case I didn’t already say so, I felt borderline anxious a couple of days ago, fine yesterday, and slightly wound up for a couple of hours this morning. I know it’s mostly because it’s Monday morning. As long as I keep busy, I’m fine. If I don’t, then I’m going to start worrying about the experiment blowing up in my face and turning out to be a bust and worried about getting anxious, which can actually make me feel a little anxious. So, trying to stay aware but not dwell.

I’ll probably be going to the lab on the 6th and a few days before that I’ll message Doc A, so she knows what’s going on, not that I expect her to understand or be too happy about it. But hey, my body, my life, my choice. :-) I’m always going to do what makes me feel best and not what makes the numbers look good.

We’ve been on different versions of a diet called Mary’s Mini. He’s losing weight, but as expected, I’m not able to lose weight which is fine because that’s not why I’m on this diet. It’s to lower my cholesterol and sodium intake which helps my BP. The nice side effects are money savings and no threat of gaining weight.

My diet is based on potatoes, fruits and veggies and just a little bit of dairy and nuts. It’s amazing how filling and nutritious potatoes are! I haven’t had meat in a while now and I’m not craving it either, even though it’s not like I’ll never have it again. I’ll probably have some fish after labs. I’m surprised at how well this diet curbs hunger. Sometimes I get hungry, but for the most part, it hasn’t been bad at all. I should be averaging about 1200 calories a day, maybe slightly more.

I had this weird dream that I got sentenced to one week in jail, although I don’t know what for. I didn’t know Tom, but my father and brother were alive. I guess you could get calls in this jail because I received a call in which this guy asked if I knew who he was. He sounded familiar to me, and I was desperate to talk to Larry once I heard his voice in the background because I had totally forgotten Dad’s number and needed to call him to arrange a time to be picked up once I was released.

I was admitted into jail on a Friday and by Monday morning I realized I could no longer say I had a week, but 5 days instead.

I wished I could get up earlier so I could be more awake for breakfast, but even though I got up later one day, I was still able to go to this cafeteria where bacon and eggs were being served.

Tammy has her second surgery today and hopefully she’ll have a health and home-hunting update from me once she has a chance to recover.

95% of the coding is done, according to Tom, for his next app. It looks like he will have to get a website, though, for legal purposes.

I don’t think Tom will make a few hundred bucks a month with his apps no matter how good he may be just because of the odds and it doesn’t seem like anything that would be “allowed” by above.

However, this place has been “acting” like the end times. Things always seem to be better for us not too long before we move. Like within a year or two if even that. Well, not only am I better but the place itself suggests the end of our time here is near. Like that car disappearing. It’s still noisy as hell here, but words can’t describe how utterly annoying hearing that thing coming and going was. It was like 10 loud cars in one. Plus, I make a friend in Dixie, and these are the kinds of things that would happen as the end gets closer. There still isn’t anything to say we’re going to make it out of here in a year or two, though, so I still have to assume we won’t be out until he’s at least 66 and that the fucking car will eventually return.

Dixie sent me, along with her famous niece and a few others, some funny jokes. “My stomach is flat, but the L is silent,” LOL.

Later…

April: 1 anxious day
May: 3 anxious days
June: 2 anxious days
July: 5 anxious days
Aug: 5 anxious days

Today is turning out to be my worst day in a while even if I’ve had worse. Above are the total number of anxious days I’ve had so far since the beginning of the experiment: 16 anxious days out of 140 days, which is an average of every 8.5 days.

I don’t like how the anxiety has been picking up these last two months and August isn’t even done. I didn’t jump to two full doses a week until August, but I still don’t know if the dose is a factor at this point or not. I wish I did! If it continues to pick up maybe I should just go back to 50s and stay there indefinitely. For now, I think I’ll drop back to one full dose a week. I didn’t keep track of every single pill cut I made, but I think it’s pretty safe to say I was cutting closer to 50 during April and May and closer to 60 after June. If it’s something in the filler, then I wonder if I should ask Dr. A if there’s a liquid form of this medication. I mean I can’t believe they have everyone who has a problem with the filler turn to Armour. If there is, bet I can guess what her answer will be… Go to Dr. O.

I’m really starting to believe I just may not be meant to fully treat my thyroid. It’s like something up there doesn’t want me treating it all the way.

I can’t help but think about and analyze the situation and I just want to cry. I feel so defeated and frustrated. If this isn’t the peri, then it’s either the filler or the medication itself. It can’t be the dose because even though I take a full pill every now and then, it’s not up to the full 75-dose in my bloodstream. That kind of rules out the dose at the moment and hopefully we’ll soon be able to rule out peri once I get into the menopausal zone.

Another thing it could be is that Dr. A is right about how anyone can be anxious at times. Maybe I really did develop an anxiety disorder for no reason, although the way I worsened on off-brands couldn’t have been a coincidence. Plus, there’s no doubt when I first went on 75s and then 88s that it was the medication, and I totally believe all the reports I’ve read online. This shit does cause anxiety for some people. I just wish I knew if it was the filler or the medication itself! I also wish I knew if I really could have developed an anxiety disorder but that one has always struck me as the least likely. Just something in my gut still says it’s on the medication for the most part.

Okay, but what part of the medication??? The filler or the drug itself? And why does it only affect me sometimes? Lastly, how much is the peri? Flares?

I just can’t see myself running to the shrink since they’ve never helped me yet. Prozac backfired, the blood pressure medicine didn’t do anything but make me exhausted, beta-blockers make me cold as hell and exhausted, and then there are other side effects. The only thing that was helpful for a while until I got too used to it was the Lorazepam but that wasn’t for this kind of anxiety. There are different kinds of anxieties that feel different and the Lorazepam was more for panic attack symptoms. These are waves of adrenaline that come and go on and off throughout the day in the center of my chest. The more I feel it, the more it fucks with my emotions. Since SSRI drugs make me suicidal, I just don’t see what a shrink can do for me. So why spend the time and money to go to some expat I may or may not understand just to get nowhere? I just don’t like to take medication. Too many side effects, and like Stacey said, one can still feel symptoms of anxiety even medicated. The last shrink I saw mentioned that as well. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with an anxious person seeing a shrink, I just don’t think I could benefit from one personally.

So much for those “end” signs. When I went through all the reasons in my mind why a shrink would be a waste of time and money, I realized that it may not be wise to say “never” where they’re concerned. Look at Amy. At first it didn’t seem like she was going to be able to do me any good and that I would be stuck suffering from a burning, itching crotch for the rest of my life. Then one day she worked miracles for me. So maybe after SSRI drugs backfiring, me getting too used to Lorazepam, BP meds being worthless, there is something else I don’t know about. Not going to call and schedule an appointment just yet, though. I’m going to wait until I’m postmenopausal because if I’m still getting “stabbed” at that point, then we’ve gone from 4 possibilities to 3 which would be the filler, the meds or me just becoming this way. I wonder if flares could be a factor. Dr. O didn’t seem to think so and if she was willing to admit what other doctors wouldn’t (except for my GYN), I would think she would admit that too.

I feel like I’m back to square one…questions, questions, questions…but never any answers. Tom assures me I’m not back to square one. I’m just having a bad day after many good days. I’d like to see it that way but it’s hard to. This is worrisome. It can only be one or more of four things…peri, and anxiety disorder separate from anything else, the filler or the meds.

I suppose that even though I’m now only 42 days away from menopause if I can hot flash, I can still have anxiety, but I realize that these symptoms aren’t magically going to stop at midnight on October 7th. Some of the symptoms can linger even after a year without periods, and I’m also older and heavier and that can make me have warm spells right there. Plus, I’ve always been temperature sensitive where I get too cold or too hot easily, especially cold.

I’m back to voice blogging on VoiceSpice which saves a nice neat little index of my posts, even though there are no guarantees they’ll remain there. Instead of worrying about something permanent and guaranteed, however, I’ll just use it while I can. If they don’t kick them off their server, fine. If they do, oh well.

LOL, I left some voice messages on Messenger for some people and it sounds hilarious. Creepy, distorted, underwater; but you can still make out what I’m saying. Even left some for Alyssa and my oh so wonderful loving, caring aunt and cousin.

Tammy thinks my nail discoloration is due to too much nail polish. Yeah, I’m sure that doesn’t help even though it’s a bit weird that it’s only on four different nails. I’ll go without polish for a while if I can stand to. I hate bare nails. That’s like being naked.

The planes haven’t turned out to be the regular nuisance I thought they would be but I’m sure that by the first they’ll be plenty annoying.

Yesterday we went to Sam’s and Rite Aid and later in the morning, we’ll be going to Walmart.

Went out walking for a half-hour at 1 a.m. and it was deserted and peaceful. Saw a few skunks, though, and heard what sounded like a big dog bark over the fence when it heard my footsteps running down the street. To be safe I sprinted deeper into the park.

Not much in the way of dreams but bits and pieces of whatever. I became really good friends with a black girl named Cheryl. I looked out the front window of our place and saw a couple of black guys fixing up their front yard and thought it looked nice. Then the guys were setting up a room in our house. I peeked in the room when they left to go get lunch and found that it looked like a combination of an office and a recreation room.

In the last dream, I had a female rat who had a baby and while I was tending to the baby rat, mom took off and fell asleep for the day somewhere in the house. I was a bit frustrated because I couldn’t find her, even though I knew she would find her way home on her own when she was ready to.

Felt good after three days of being too tired to work out to get out for 20 minutes. It was dry but a little warm. My joints had become a little stiff from those few days off. Just like too much isn’t good, too little isn’t good, so I think that anyone who can should run for at least a minute or two each day to keep the joints strong. Did this for a few minutes and briskly walked the rest of the way. This way it’s not such a shock to my body if I have to suddenly run fast. I work out whenever traffic will let me. If they steal my sleep and I don’t have the energy to work out, I just wait till I get caught up on sleep which I was lucky to do the last time around. I thought there would be some disturbances, but I slept with the earbud for the most part and no one was slamming doors to big trucks.

The bins are still in front of Ralph’s driveway and there definitely isn’t anyone living there yet, so the house probably did get flipped. Wonder what kinds of projects I may have to listen to in the upcoming weeks. I just hope we get out of here before Bob and Virginia pass!

I looked up his obit and there was nothing but his date of birth and death. He was 78 years old, but the guy was huge, and I mean huge, so it’s kind of no wonder he had a stroke. No mention of friends, family, work, hobbies…nothing. His last name was Arias. Hmm… Related to Jodi? She’s from Salinas which isn’t too far from here.

On the way back, I walked by Melody’s place to see what I could see. The usual black car and dark pickup were there, but there was also a white sporty car across the street that I think is the daughter’s. Sometime I’ll take a look at the bastard’s page to see if I can get a sense of what’s up and why he hasn’t come around. Hopefully, he totaled the piece of shit he drives but this is the type of person so needy of attention from anybody and everybody that he would only run right out and get something else just as loud. If he isn’t out of town, then he’s more than likely hurt, sick, or in jail.

For $20 we ordered a manual dicer, so this will save me a lot of cuts when making home fries.

New undies are good. A little loose in the booty and I could have probably gone down a size but would rather too loose than too tight.

My lungs got tight yesterday and I had to take a hit off my inhaler. It was probably some of the cleaning chemicals I used earlier. Didn’t like those two rounds of pain I had by my left shoulder blade either. I get that every now and then and sometimes I’m not sure if it’s connected to my TMJ.

I rarely lose more than a pound in one day, but I lost 1.5 pounds. Not surprisingly, I’m so fucking hungry today that nothing I eat satisfies me. Hate that feeling.

For the third time in a row, I slept shitty and the new neighbors in Ralph’s place have already woken me up by slamming vehicle doors. The sound funnels between our place and next door and reverberates underneath the house. Really miss brick on concrete as opposed to elevated wooden houses because they don’t conduct nearly as much sound. Can’t see us ever on a concrete slab again, though.

Once again I just wanted to get the fuck away from people and get out of the city, but running to the country won’t do me any good because if my sleep is as cursed as it seems to be, it doesn’t matter where we go. I actually slept worse in Maricopa than Phoenix with all the fucking sonic booms and loose barking dogs that would waltz onto our land.

I just want to be able to sleep, but I’m probably not going to be able to catch up until Saturday.

It was probably when they closed the door of the Penske rental truck they used to move in with that woke me up. Still don’t know who lives there or what they drive. Tomorrow is trash day and they have their bin blocking their driveway, so maybe there’s something parked on the street, but I can’t see it behind the bushes. I’m curious now. Going to take a walk out front and see what I can see.

Nothing. Not a single vehicle anywhere. Also, the for-sale sign is still up so maybe someone was just cleaning it out. Maybe it’s gone to flippers. This is not the place to be without a vehicle. I read that this place has a walking score of only 8. Takes over a half-hour to walk to the nearest store.

So they woke me up 4 hours into my sleep and it took me about an hour to get back to sleep. After a few more hours of sleep, I woke up from a rather chilling dream. In the dream, I inspected my left hand and found that three or more fingernails had a dark stripe running through them, a definite sign of nail cancer. Really hope to hell it doesn’t mean anything! I don’t think the dream means I’m going to get nail cancer, but more than likely there’s something coming up even if it’s not serious. I’d like to tell myself my accuracy rate isn’t that good but then I might as well tell myself I’m a tall, slim blond with a beautiful golden suntan.

Removed my nail polish and at first, the purplish discoloration on the three nails on the left seemed a little better but was more visible on the right thumb. Definitely not cancerous, though, or anything to worry about because the pictures I saw show that cancer is much darker, almost black. Plus, I have no stripes. It’s got to be either a stain or a fungus, I thought at the time.

But then I took a shower and the nails darkened. Afterward, it was most visible in my thumbs and I took a picture of the left thumb, which is the most noticeable, and sent it to Tammy for her opinion. It’s definitely the nail itself which now makes me think it’s a stain because I’m pretty sure fungus is underneath the nail and not in the nail itself. But why just a few fingers and why isn’t it growing out? The right thumb is definitely worse, too.

Aly’s dog was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and put on a low dose of the same medication I take, but the more she described the symptoms, the more I wondered if the diagnosis was incorrect. I’m sorry but as a hypo, I can personally say that it doesn’t cause you to have the runs or puke. If anything it causes you to be stuck a lot. Also, the dog is anemic yet I’ve never known hypothyroidism to affect iron levels. Weight gain, feeling cold, fatigue, brain fog, dry skin, and hair loss are the most predominant symptoms along with heartburn, water retention and wimpy periods if you still get them. As a male dog, I’m sure he doesn’t have to worry about that last one! I just hope the drug doesn’t take his heart on a terrifying joyride like it sometimes can.

While I still hear plenty of small planes and helicopters, the commercial planes are back to back-to-back flights in the mornings and nighttime as I figured they would be. So now I have that annoyance again until June.

Had to get some pet supplies on Amazon so I grabbed a 6-pack of what I find to be the most comfortable boy shorts and that’s Fruit of the Loom in size 7.

I’m more tired than I was yesterday. Woke up a million times just because and who knows how many times due to traffic.

Noticed a moving truck at Ralph’s place, so the new neighbors have moved in. Hope they don’t have a dog. Usually, it’s no problem here but some of them bark nonstop when being walked or out of open windows and porches.

If what I heard and saw was at their house, they have a loud car. Doesn’t surprise me with how popular they are today, even amongst older people. Even older people are getting less considerate than they used to be. All people care about is what they want and what works best for them. Not how it may affect others.

This is the longest I haven’t heard the mama’s boy, but given how much of a mooching slacker he seemed to be I still think it’s of no choice of his and that something happened. Yes, it’s nice until he returns, but because there are so many loud vehicles these days, one disappearing for a while doesn’t make much difference when you’re right on such a busy street.

sighs If only anyone could make long-distance moves anytime they wanted to. Then if I had to listen to it, I can at least do it where it’s always summer.

I’ve now beat my longest stretch of time between periods since going into perimenopause. Full menopause is just 46 days away!

The pigs are back in the living room. Although it was an interesting experiment, the biggest problem was that they dog-ear the corners of the liner, some shit would slip under the liner, then I’d have to make sure it didn’t clog the drain. It’s also harder to reach down over the step and into the tub as opposed to in their cage. With them in the living room by the air cleaner, I can go back to changing liners every other day. I’m sure the rats missed having them close by as well. Rodents would be a lot less work if you could either scoop their poop out like with a cat or make them do their thing outdoors like a dog. They’re cute as hell and bring a lot of laughs, but after these guys, I think I’ll take a break for a while.

Been researching different phones and was told it’s easy to block people on iPhones but they can still leave voice messages. Then that’s not blocked. I don’t understand why it’s not as easy to block someone on a phone as it is Facebook or Twitter or most other sites. Then Aly told me she has no problem blocking numbers on her Android through her Verizon prepaid app but that’s not what we have. At least I don’t get unwanted calls every day.

I swear her household really needs a break in the medical department! She’s had her share of shit, Cam’s had his share of shit, and now her dog is at the vet with stomach issues.

The pigs have been piss padded, and if all goes well, this will be the easiest setup for me, though not the cheapest. The second setup where I leave two-thirds of the tub’s floor bare is a definite NO. With the liners, the piss gets pulled away from shit and hay and absorbed below it. But with nothing to absorb it, trying to clean up wet shit and hay is a bitch. I had to scoop out as much as I could because I didn’t want to plug up the drain.

It took 2 pads to line the tub well and I’m really hoping I can stand the smell so I can change them every other day instead of every day. I’m tired of slaving over these guys. Rodents are high maintenance and a lot of work, so I’m always looking for what’s easiest as well as best for them without costing us a fortune.

Although it was late in my day and only lasted an hour or two, I felt a bit anxious last night. Perhaps ramping up my dose isn’t a wise idea and perhaps it’s still a factor along with generics. I know being on nights doesn’t help, quieter or not. The nights tend to bring most of us into a bit of a funk.

I did a little experiment out of curiosity and left a comment on every journal entry on the front page last night, and sure enough, not a single one left comments on my own entries. Some replied to my comments but that was it. I wonder just how many comments I’d have to leave before I started getting some in return, but then again, I don’t want that many people commenting because then I would feel obligated to return the favor and don’t want to spend all day reading/commenting.

Two days ago, after entering a contest on Facebook, I got a text from a local sweep that does home remodeling. I could kick myself for reading it because I knew this was a precursor to spam texting once they saw it was read and they knew it was a valid number. Sure enough, I woke up to a text today wanting to give me a 5-minute call, even though I specifically said “no” when asked on the contest form if I wanted a consultation call.

I replied letting them know I only wanted to enter the contest, not receive spam in the form of text, email, calls or whatever, and to please not contact me unless I win. They’ll probably pull my name from the contest but hopefully, they’ll honor my wishes to leave me alone because there is simply no blocking option on LG Androids. I think the only way I can block people simply enough would be to get an iPhone. I don’t understand why it isn’t a quick and simple tap to block someone or why you would include a blocking feature on your phone if you’re not going to let anyone be able to use it, but I’m considering both an iPhone and an iPad but mostly and iPad. It’s not like I’m getting calls and texts every day, so at this point, they’re simple enough to ignore.

Damn! First Aly and Cam are in hospitals, ERs, and Urgent Care, and now her dog’s spending the night at the vet. I guess he got into something that messed up his stomach. I swear that household is runner-up to Tammy with all the medical drama.

This time I’m glad I didn’t spot Dixie on her patio because shortly after I left for my walk, the stomach cramps began. As soon as I got back I had the partial runs.

This time the funhouse was dark but unlocked so yeah, it probably is open until 9 or 10. After all, Bingo is at 7:30.

Dixie figured out the fire stick but unless she’s got her times screwed up, has she gone Stacey/Kathleen on me with the bogus meeting games? She said she had the porch light on last night and was there from 8 to 9 but when I passed by at 8:50, it was dark and deserted. Oh well.

The potato diet I’m just getting into since it’s full of nutrients, cheap, and has little to no cholesterol and sodium, seems more doable than anything else I’ve come up with even if I’ve hardly gotten started, but again, the best I can do for myself is maintain. No matter what I do, my body still isn’t going to let itself under 153 lbs or so.

When I think of how much easier this seems to be, though, I can’t help but think of a dream I had not too long ago. In the dream, I was actively looking for a diet, was going to give up, then said, “Nope. I figured the anxiety out, I’ll figure this out.”

Well, it would be nice if I could just cut my losses and eat a menu that’s going to keep me out of the 160s without making me feel like I’m starving, so we’ll see.

I was thinking I could have a smoothie or an avocado, a bag of veggies, and two potatoes with popcorn and yogurt mixed in between. This will come to 1000-1200 calories, excluding coffee or wine. It would be less if I pulled the smoothies and avocados out and replaced them with blueberries. I’ll probably alternate between avocados and bananas but not make any smoothies for a while. If I have a banana, it’s 100 calories, but if I add a peach and coconut milk, it becomes 200-220. Should definitely not have to worry about breaking records with this, though, and that’s good enough for me.

I still have one more pig setup to try but if I had to choose between today’s setup (folding the liner and placing it at one end of the cage while leaving the rest bare) and yesterday’s, I would probably choose yesterday’s. Easier to roll up the liner and shake it out than to scrape piss, shit and hay off the floor of the tub. Tomorrow’s puppy piss pad day, so we’ll see how that goes.

I was browsing someone else’s journal at pictures they shared of their own guinea pigs when I got a great idea and that was to put our pigs in our garden tub which we never use. It’s a little bigger than their cage and if it doesn’t get too smelly, I think it might be easier to clean. I’m experimenting with different things like their fleece liners, puppy pee pads, and things like that.

I built them a little hideaway since the tree stump borough is a bit too small for such big beefy pigs. I swear I never had guinea pigs this big, especially as big as Blitz, my favorite. He’s much calmer than Rockefeller. I took a small tension rod and hung an old valance across it. It was a little too long and I didn’t want them getting tangled in it or peeing on the hem, so I trimmed it. I trimmed a few inches more than I should have but it’s still suitable enough and this way they won’t get caught in it or make a mess of it. It hangs down about a foot or so from one end of the tub and I made a little roof to make it more private by putting a piece of cardboard on top, resting on the rod and edge of the tub. I can fine-tune it later and make it look nicer, although how it looks doesn’t really matter as opposed to how it functions. That room gets a lot of morning sunlight also, so if they want some shade as well as privacy, they’ve got it.

I actually thought of moving the rats in there as well since that bathroom is so big and making that a pet room since I shower in the other bathroom. All I need is to get to the toilet and the sink in this bathroom. If I can figure out a way to block the back of the toilet, which the rats would hide in, this would be a safer playroom for them as opposed to the rest of the house. Well, not so much safer but less for them to get into or mess up. I’d rather pee on a floor I could mop than pee on carpet, but the rats are usually pretty good with keeping their business at home unless they’re marking something. But there shouldn’t be anything to mark this way. They could have a lot more freedom in there as well, but first I want to see how the pigs work out before I consider them. If it’s going to be too smelly in a room that’s big for a bathroom but small in itself, then I don’t want to double the rodent count in there.

Tom was kind enough to clean my blender blades for me which isn’t that easy, and I made him mashed potatoes to go with his dinners this week.

Haha, Poor Tom. I was teasing him about being able to eat between 1500 and 2000 calories without exercising and not gaining any weight. But he, with his perfectly working thyroid, has to eat less than 1500 calories to lose weight. He said he could probably come close to eating what I’ve been eating this last week and maintain the 10 pounds he’s lost so far, but remember, he’s a 5-foot 10-inch man. I’m a 4-foot 11-inch woman. I could probably eat up to 2000 calories with exercise, but I rarely eat that much anyway. That’s too much food for me like 1000 is too little. 1500 is ideal for me but too much to lose on.

Getting closer to labs so I’ve cut cholesterol way down but not as much sodium yet. Top BP number continues to be high while the bottom is slightly high as is common for my age. Especially at the end of my day. Right now, though, it’s not that bad.

The heatwave we were having has broken and I can go out for an evening walk later without melting. I’ve been running around this place topless in nothing but boy shorts and sitting in front of a fan, but now tanks and sundresses are tolerable, LOL.

Realizing Charlotte was getting up there in age, I checked to see if she was still alive and found that she died last December 1st at age 89. Kind of sad since she was one of the few family friends who were actually nice to us kids and seemed to really care without bad-mouthing us or anything like that. If she said the same kinds of nasty shit about me and my siblings that Aunt Ruth said, I never knew it. Charlotte just wasn’t like that whereas people like Ruth loved spreading rumors.

Tammy thanked me for the obit on Char. She didn’t know she died.

Knowing Judy was also getting way up in age, I looked for her and found she was still alive and 91 years old. I even found an article on her about fashion design and some school in NY. I never knew she had an interest in fashion or that she was an artist! I vaguely remember Baby Bargains, a store she owned for a while, but didn’t know she could draw/sketch. If that’s her work I saw, she’s WAY better than me, big gossiping motor mouth or not.

When I think about it, though, that’s not something my mother would’ve mentioned much. She was always jealous of those with artistic abilities that she knew personally. Went from a shitty to a fairly decent singer…she didn’t care. I could dance and skate…big deal. Shared some of my own sketches…so what? Shared some paintings and sculptures…not a word. She did, however, acknowledge that I taught myself ASL. Didn’t care about my spoken languages, though. I mean, so what if you can win karaoke contests singing a language you didn’t grow up with and taught your own self.

With so many people living well into their eighties and even their nineties these days, it almost seems like my parents died a bit young. It also worries me to know that women still live longer than men, I’m 8 years younger than my husband, don’t smoke, keep active, eat healthy for the most part, am just a little heavy, and am in pretty good shape and health. I won’t want to, but I could live 10-20 years after he passes and probably longer than anyone else in my family unless an accident or cancer sneaks up on me. Could still have a stroke or heart attack, but would likely live to 85-95 if I didn’t kill myself when he died.

Judy doesn’t do Facebook and I would never contact her any more than Andy’s brothers or sisters, but not only did I waste time saying hello to Phillip, I contacted Ruth as well. I’m sitting here asking myself why since there are other family members that didn’t treat me nearly as bad that I would totally ignore if they contacted me now. I really don’t do do-overs anymore. Yet, I contacted this woman who spread nasty rumors about me and even slapped me. Not sure what it was I said to earn that one, but this is when I stayed with her and her shit husband at the campgrounds in Connecticut before they kicked me out for smoking and letting a boy in my tent. Well, I don’t remember the boy ever harming me, but the boy was definitely not invited like they thought he was. Regardless, they made me sleep in their trailer the next night.

So, I don’t know why I reached out to her. I’m someone who’s always preferred to stick to the present, hasn’t felt a need to dwell on the past or let it affect me negatively because that would be letting the past win, and I’ve always focused on those who actually care and are presently in my life. Ruth-less was Ruth, though Dureen O was no better after giving me up to the state and telling people I attacked her with a knife (which changed to a hammer and then to scissors) because she very well couldn’t simply come out and say, “Hey, I just got sick of being a mom and wanted the house to myself and my husband.”

I know I’ll never hear from her or Phil because as far as they’re concerned, they’re always going to believe I’m guilty of what I’m not guilty of, and what I am guilty of (prank phone calls) will never be forgiven. I think that even if they didn’t harbor any resentment at this point, they still wouldn’t care about me any more than they would some stranger in the middle of Iran.

Some believe there’s an afterlife in which we’re scolded for not forgiving those we never forgave and for holding grudges. If that’s true then these two are in for quite a scolding, although I think we all have someone we can’t forgive for whatever. Like I could or would ever forgive the Phoenix people? Yet with most former friends and estranged family members, however, it isn’t so much a matter of me not being able to forgive them as it is me simply not wanting anything to do with them. I don’t hate them or wish bad things for them. I’m simply indifferent to them and consider them in the past.

Not doing as well as I thought with the anxiety after looking at my calendar. Yes, this is my best year so far. No doubt about it. But I’ve had a total of 8 days where I felt borderline or slightly anxious since July 11th. So, that’s still a little worrisome, but I’m going to continue on with my plans of slowly ramping up my dose and see what happens. Today I feel fine and Tom just thinks that I’m overly aware of how I feel after my scary experience and that I probably wouldn’t have noticed feeling a bit off under normal circumstances. Yeah, probably so.

Read an article about American Indians kidnapping and torturing white women to use as slaves and bargaining chips about 150 years ago, and it’s a reminder that they’re not all the perfect little innocent victims many think they are. None of them ever did anything to me personally, but many of them were actually quite violent.

Dixie is back to her usual chatty/whiny self. She hates the new firestick and finds it complicated and frustrating.

I guess we really aren’t the only ones who can’t move right when we want to and unless you own a place outright or you’re renting, it’s just not that easy to up and move. Then again, it isn’t always easy when you rent either. Not if you’re on unemployment during the worst recession ever like we were. The point is that Becky’s been planning the move to New Mexico for 6 years now.

Back from my walk in this gorgeous weather and hungry again, a sign I’m still youngish and healthy, and ready to pack in some tilapia, sautéed mushrooms, and an avocado.

Random memory popped into mind. Tom saying in the Phoenix House that the sex was so good it made him never want to cum.

So it was intentional? Or maybe at least some of it was? I guess only he can know for sure but regardless of how much may or may not have been out of his control, it was definitely a problem he had no problem with. I still can’t imagine why any man (or woman) wouldn’t want to come in the end. I can see delaying it since you don’t want things to be over too soon, but preventing it altogether? I don’t know, maybe it was in his control after all, and he denied himself orgasms to prevent pregnancy like I first suspected. Or maybe that, plus it was really something he enjoyed for some bizarre reason. Or maybe it was totally out of his control and him saying that was a form of denial to try to make it easier to deal with. Like I said, only he knows.

Another interesting Alyssa dream last night. We were living in an apartment building in a questionable part of town. I thought her apartment was the one next to us, so I put my ear to the wall trying to make out what the muffled voices I was hearing were saying.

I said to Tom with a laugh, “I never thought I would actually want to hear my neighbor’s.”

I was bummed out for us having to live in such a dumpy apartment and wondered if we’d ever own a place again. Then I wondered why Alyssa would live there of all places and assumed it was only temporary.

“This is a bad to average neighborhood, isn’t it?” I asked Tom.

“Yup,” he said.

Then I was invited to a party one night across the hall and realized that was actually Alyssa’s apartment and not the one next to us, only she wasn’t at the party itself which was held in the living room. Eventually, I wandered off to another section of the apartment, not realizing just how big the place was, and spotted her. She was in a long silky nightgown dunking a tea bag in a mug. Realizing I was naked with my hair in pigtails, I turned and ran back into the living room and dove behind a piece of furniture, hoping she wouldn’t recognize me if she noticed me.

Then one day we accidentally received a piece of her mail and thought about bringing it to her place myself, wondering how she might react if she recognized me.

Tammy is now 62 and I’m still worried about her. The bad vibe I have for her this year may not be as strong but it’s still there. This isn’t a dream premonition like the dream I had of her losing a lot of weight before she did in real life, and I didn’t even know that dream was a sign and an actual premonition at the time I had it. Sometimes I don’t know what dreams may have any real meanings whereas other times I get a distinct feeling right away that it means something.

The bad feeling I’ve had for when she’s 62 was never a dream but just a feeling, a vibe, or whatever you want to call it. I can’t say what it is, but I have a very faint feeling it may be heart-related. Can’t swear to that one, though. I only know something big is likely to happen within the next year and it’s likely not good. I wish I could say I had a hit-or-miss accuracy rate, but unfortunately, I don’t. Tammy’s had enough shit, so “good” at this or not, I’m going to hope for the best.

My book Heart of the Forest is now on Kobo, so that makes 12 books! The editing and submission of Rainstorm is next.

Been having triple-digit weather and even I’m getting a little tired of the heat. How did I handle the desert all those years? I guess I was younger and skinnier. Made for a nice swim earlier, though. This may very well be our last triple-digit day of the year.

The clubhouse and the parking lot by the pool were packed, so something was going on there. The good thing about that is that it keeps people out of the pool so we can have it to ourselves. There was just one lady there that we’ve seen before and she left not long after we got there.

We saw the Twenties parked there and when I mentioned them being social butterflies, Tom said, “Nothing wrong with that.”

That’s right. There is nothing wrong with that. Neither is choosing to be friendless or close enough to it as we do. As Tom said, too many bad experiences in the past are why he is the way he is. Same here. I’ve got years' worth of journals full of entries about friends gone bad. I adore the few I have and I hope they’ll always be in my life, but for the most part, I really do believe there’s more bad out there than good and it’s important to be careful. It isn’t just that. Even if everyone was wonderful, I don’t feel the need to have a large circle of friends like many people do.

It’s people like Andy who feel the need to judge others for not being like they are or “normal” that I have a problem with, but that’s part of why I’m not a people person. I may not be perfect myself - far from it - but there are too many liars and narcissistic, selfish, intolerant and controlling people out there, not to mention those who aren’t right in the head, which can be the trickiest to deal with, especially if they’re delusional. If someone accuses you of spreading a rumor about them, for example, even if you know damn well you didn’t, you can tell them you didn’t, but you can’t make them believe you.

The funny thing is that I make friends rather easily for one who prefers to stick to herself. I’m just selfish that way, I guess. I like to spend most of my time on Tom, my pets, and myself. :-)

Finished up the laundry and changed both the rats’ and pigs’ cages. The digital shopping list is next.

Feeling a little off tonight, though I don’t know if anxious is the right word to describe it.

Alyssa put on a new profile picture of her and her family and where most babies are an ugly mass of fat and wrinkles, hers is cute. Getting more convinced she’s not reading anything I send so unless I’m incredibly bored, I don’t know that I’ll continue sending my life updates.

Had a dream about my cousin Phil which put him on my mind. He and a girlfriend had a house and I stayed with them for a few days. When I left, I came back for something I had forgotten a day or so later while they were out. Finding the glasses I left in the spare bedroom upstairs, I started down the stairs when I heard Phil come in and thought he would be upset with me for entering the house when no one was home. Instead, he called out my name happily and I told him I had come for stuff I forgot.

Even though it’s going against my do not reach out to those who don’t give a shit rule, I messaged him even though I don’t expect a reply. I do miss him at times, though. He was sort of like a big brother to me.

Noticed that Dixie has been a lot quieter so I sent an email and will see if I get the few paragraphs I used to get or just brief responses like “nice pics” and “thanks for the update” with nothing else about herself, Diane or politics, as that might tell me something if I do. Remember those delusional people not quite right in the head I mentioned? Well, I’m not saying she’s one of them because I don’t know her that well, but I’m usually a pretty good enough judge of character to get a general sense of what one may or may not be capable of when I meet them and let’s just say that Dixie strikes me as much more likely to get accusatory over something totally imaginative or misconstrued than people like Bob and Virginia would. Again, not saying that’s the case and I can’t imagine why she may be avoiding me if she actually is, but that’s the problem with the mentally unstable; they’re as unpredictable as they are predictable. Anything can be a problem for them at any time, real or imagined. I’ll wait and see what she says, though, before I assume too much.