Tom’s outside setting up the new automatic sprinkler operator. He could even set it up to be smart if he wants to. This way, whenever there’s a power failure like there was for a second today, he doesn’t have to get out an old book and look up the code to reset it. Now it can be on a more consistent timer.

So, I was sitting there last night when shortly after 9:00, I started hearing these “scuffling” sounds. These bumps and bangs that make me feel like I'm in a hotel or an apartment. Then I realized it was just our local attention-getters fireworking. So now I'm going to have to listen to this shit for days, and it's not even July. I still can't believe we're hearing this shit here with all these old people.

The fatigue is back. I figured it would be and that the burst of energy I had for a while there was just a fluke. So now things are going to be hard again, and I’m going to have to do things little by little in stages as energy levels permit. I’d like to think that the only reason I’ve been tired these last couple of days is because I haven’t eaten as healthy, but I doubt it’s that simple. Like I said earlier, I’ll call the sleep doctor tomorrow and make one last-ditch effort to get it resolved. But if there really is anything up there actively cursing my sleep, then there’s not going to be any getting around it.

I asked the Twenties what their advice was as far as trying to get all these damn planes out from over my head, and they suggested filing a complaint with the FAA. Been there, done that, but they just don’t care. People and businesses never give a shit about the noise they generate or who it affects. Besides, it’s not just commercial planes. That’s most of the problem, but today, for example, it was small plane annoyance day.

I was thinking of and missing Aly like I do so much of the time even though it’s now been a few years, and remembering how she used to hate when people would read her blog without commenting. She always said that if people could take the time to look over their shoulders, why couldn’t they afford to drop a comment every now and then?

I get what she meant, but at the same time, I don’t mind silent readers. However, if I were writing that my pet or someone close to me died, or that I had a serious accident, illness, or injury, and no one at least cared to take the time to jot down a quick “I’m sorry” or “get well soon,” that’s different. Then you’re just being a nosy lurker instead of someone who actually cares. At least that’s how I would feel anyway.

Avoidance prevents conflict. I totally get that too. We all have a right to do what works best for us to protect ourselves. But there’s a time to be selfish and think of ourselves first, and then there’s a time to be a little more giving and take a chance. Self-preservation is a great thing, but sometimes it’s simply appropriate to consider others.

I had a dream that two nurses were cleaning my ears. One did one while the other did the other. I know I’ve had many more dreams. I’m just not able to remember them.

I have 58 miles left of my 2,900-mile ride, and my rank is now 99!

I love this time of year. The park is so much quieter, and there’s less traffic on the roads. My new most hated month is definitely November. Then it’s back to honking, howling, vrooming, and everyone opening their windows so I can hear their dogs more easily whenever someone comes to the door or they’re left alone.

I’ve been tired all day and decided it wouldn’t hurt to see the sleep doctor after all. It’ll be a few months before I can get in, so I won’t have to worry about appointments looming during the storm season. The vitamins and the new bed help, but I’m still snoring and not feeling as refreshed as I should. I’m 90-something percent sure there won’t be anything they can do for me since, in the end, it seems that our real doctors are insurance companies and politicians, not us and our doctors. We can go over the N24 disorder all over again, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be able to get the medication. Even if I could, there’s no saying I could tolerate the side effects, and with my shit luck, I probably couldn’t.

I don’t know if I’ll even be able to get a mouth guard for sleep apnea because I don’t know if my insurance will pay for that either.

But if I at least see what they have to say, then I’ll know for sure. Kind of like with the heart testing. I didn’t think anything was wrong with my heart, and the test results were confirmation of that. So I may as well get confirmation on this as well. The three things I’m just not meant to have no matter what are a schedule, energy, and a normal metabolism. I would still be a day person every day if I could, but damn, would the lack of alone time get to me! It’s getting to me as it is.

In the end, it was a pretty good month, as I only had about five or six days where I was really tired. I may not have good energy in general, but hopefully, I will continue to improve on my own or at least not go back to feeling tired close to half the time.

I vaguely remember dreaming about performing in a talent show here at the park. I was a ballet dancer, testing out some toe shoes, and then I was told to warm up. Warming up meant lightly jogging around in circles before running as fast as I could.

For Tom’s 67th birthday, we got him some free ice cream at Publix. We both loaded up on things we definitely shouldn’t have gotten but are enjoying for the sake of variety. We got everything from ice cream to Cheetos to cooked food, and I picked up some raw peanuts to bake, a fruity salad, and a piña colada.

Yesterday, I was really worried about my thyroid because I felt so cold. I have other symptoms too, like hair loss, dry skin, a resting heart rate that’s actually below normal, and less insomnia. I’m even sleeping a little longer as well. However, I didn’t sleep too well last night and kept waking up. Overall, I’ve had more energy for about a month now, likely due to a combination of adding vitamins, getting the waterbed, and being less stressed with the honker and his antics gone from across the street. I love this time of year. The park is quieter, and there’s a lot less traffic on the road. I don’t even hear Happy as much, partly because no one has their windows open due to the humidity.

Today, I haven’t been as cold. It seems to come and go, and I’m not sure what to think. It makes sense that I’m still hypo, though. I don’t think I’m gonna get back down into the single digits on this dose. Tom thinks it just takes time now that I’ve started taking the vitamins daily. The only thing that doesn’t make sense about being hypo is why I’m still waking up under 160 lbs, although that’s not a bad thing.

I now have 99 miles to go! We’re going to play some miniature golf, and then I’m going to hit the road.

This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind for the characters, whose appearances kept changing in the story, but these AI-generated stories based on our prompts that are illustrated are kind of cool. It actually gave me an idea for a story if I can ever finish the one I’m working on now. I also like the title of this story as a possibility for the one I’m working on. https://midreal.ai/s/e0AY

Yesterday was a bit frustrating because I was doing my ride when the app crashed, and I lost my progress. I had gone 5 miles and had to do those miles over again. This isn’t the first time this has happened, nor am I the only one it’s happened to. The devs tell me they’re rolling out a patch over the next day or two to fix it. If it had happened on someone else’s ride, I would have just jumped into another one. But I’ve had to redo a total of around 20 miles of my long ride because of this issue. Anyway, I’m now about 115 miles from the finish line, so hopefully it won’t take more than a week.

Bailey’s new eyelashes look great on her. It was much easier to do than I expected. It definitely helps if the glue is tacky but doesn’t dry instantly until you cure it. This way, I don’t get glue all over myself. Regular eyelashes suck because they’re not only too long, but when it comes to dolls, you have to stick the eyelashes the other way so they keep sticking to your finger while you’re trying to line them up against the doll for gluing. Using these short little “wispies,” I was able to place four sections of eyelashes on her upper lid.

I then took her picture and shared it in the park group, asking if people thought I should do the bottoms as well or leave it as it was. Instead of an answer, all I got was, “I’ll just say it. The doll looks creepy.” Two people “liked” this comment.

I forget that, for some bizarre reason, many people find dolls creepy. I don’t understand this for the life of me. As Tom said, a doll can be made to look creepy, as can a clown, but normally they don’t look creepy. I mean, kids play with them, for fuck’s sake. They don’t find them creepy. Is that just an adult thing or something and is Barbie “creepy?” So rather than creep people out and be insulted, I took the post down. I mean, it was funny, but it was also a bit insulting even though I still appreciate people’s honesty.

I probably won’t bother doing the bottom lashes because those would have to be trimmed, and the ones on top are the shortest the pack came with. These wispy brown ones look much more natural on her than the thick black ones she came with.

Her eyes looked funny when I was shining the UV flashlight on them. They were milky like dead eyes.

I dreamed that the mystery girl told me her favorite colors were purple and green, that she studied some French, and wasn’t scared of rats but didn’t want them as pets.

Then the honker annoyed me all the way from Canada, LOL. In the dream, he lived in a house (which looked a bit different) and we still lived across the street, only we were in a big apartment building.

I was in our apartment doing some yoga exercises and was pleased to find I was suddenly as flexible as I was in my 20s and 30s.

Then I was talking to a woman who suggested I put some makeup on, especially on my lips and nose, LOL. So I went back to my apartment and slowly applied a full face of makeup. It seemed to take a while to do it.

Aware that the honker had returned temporarily, I was disappointed to hear him revving his motorcycle while I was applying the makeup and worried that he might wake me up. I told myself to try not to worry about it since our apartment was in the back of the building. Then I was more annoyed when I heard his dog begin to howl.

I went in search of the woman I discussed makeup with to get her opinion on how my makeup looked, but I couldn’t find her anywhere, including the café that I checked on the ground floor.

Then I was in a large screened-in area that ran along the front of the building and noticed a river toward one side. I thought the rushing water looked cool and wished we could see it from our apartment.

Then I saw the honker’s son, which he doesn’t have in real life, walking his dog, which was a different breed. In the dream, it was a German Shepherd. It then occurred to me, with dismay, that if the honker had only returned temporarily, why would he haul the motorcycle and have his friend visit?

I looked for the woman some more with no success, and then I was outside. On a grassy embankment across the street from the honker’s place were about five young women sunbathing. One wore a colorful bikini. Suddenly, the honker’s dog appeared in a window, staring at the women.

Made it to Maine, the final state! I have 123 miles to go.

That was a really quick summer because Toni is already back. Unless she’s letting someone else drive her car, which I doubt, she wasn’t gone long.

I've been noticing these itchy “zits” on my vagina that weren't there before I ran out of Replens and started using Gynotrof. So I discontinued the Gynotrof and will use Kindra next, which Jessie recommended and shouldn't be a problem. When that runs out, I'll go back to Replens and stick with it.

I'm still feeling cold a lot of the time, and I have a bad feeling that my TSH is never coming back down under 10 on this dose. I just don’t know if it’s because the gland is dying some more or if I’m having absorption issues. At the end of the year, I’m afraid I'll have to play the dose titration game again and risk inviting that horrible anxiety back. Yes, it’s great that I know how to control it and have a handle on it, but I still don’t want to go back there, even for just a day. Again, this is something that’s so bad it’s almost unworldly. It isn’t the kind of anxiety one feels when things aren’t going well in their life.

I’m a little tired because I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up and having shitty dreams. In one dream, I didn’t know Tom, and I was homeless and penniless. I was in a car that some woman was driving when it got a flat tire at night on the side of the road. An RV pulled up behind us, and a couple emerged from it. The woman who was driving us got out of the car and talked to them. Then I stepped out, since it was dark, and offered to use my phone as a flashlight because there wasn’t much light spilling out of the RV. I could barely see the faces of the couple. They said it was fine, though, and the woman I was with went into the RV with the couple while I sat and waited in the car.

A horrible feeling suddenly came over me, and I felt a sense of desperation and hopelessness. I was afraid the couple was up to no good and that I wasn’t going to make it. I even contemplated ways of ending it all.

A split second later, I was in some building that may have been a hotel or apartments talking to an Asian woman who suddenly filled me with a sense of hope as we discussed exchanging favors for each other. I was going to clean for her for money and other things. As I closed the door to go to sleep, I thought to myself how interesting it was that we sometimes meet people who seem like they’re such a small part of our lives, only to later learn that they actually play a major part and are a huge influence on us in various ways.

I'm not happy with my latest Walmart purchases. One item I got was crackle nail polish, but it barely crackles. Instead, it just looks like really bad nail polish that cracked unintentionally rather than crackled by design.

I also bought rainbow pencils, which are colored pencils with multiple colors. However, they don't color smoothly and actually look like a little kid scribbled with different colored crayons. The pencils are also thicker, making it harder to stay within the lines.

I haven't made it to Maine yet, but I'm hoping to today. The border always seems further away than it appears. A couple of days ago, I rode 32 miles just to get to New Hampshire! I now have a total of 145 miles to go.

Do we live in New Jersey in another dimension? I dreamed some guy from my dentist's office called to confirm I had a cleaning and some other procedure due, and he said I had to go to the office in a place that sounded like Glassboro. I'd never heard of it, but I asked Tom if that was okay, and he nodded. So I looked it up to see if a Glassboro exists, and indeed, one does in New Jersey.

Then I dreamed I was living in a giant adult community, and my parents were still alive. Well, at least my dad was. Everyone ate breakfast in this huge auditorium-like building. The seats and tables were layered in tiers just like a regular movie theater or stadium.

Having seen a really good show, I wanted to recommend it to him, and I knew he would be having breakfast there when I entered the place. Because there were hundreds of people around, I couldn’t spot him easily. So I shouted over all the people to ask if anyone had seen him. Instead of him standing up and waving to me, several people stood up and surrounded him to point him out.

I also dreamed I was either in or remembering Marty and Ruth’s house, even though it didn’t look quite like it did in real life. She’s 84 years old now. Part of me wishes she and many others could know the real me and not what they think they know, but another part of me just doesn’t care.

I want to care even less than I do now, and that means working harder at not contacting those who don't contact me, whether we're on good terms or not. If someone cares enough to reach out to me, they will.

I got up at 11:30 PM. The rat was waiting for me, but I needed to wake up first, so I gave her a treat. Then it rained for a little bit. I had my coffee and made a shrimp, tofu, and veggie stir-fry. After that, I took the rat out to play.

It hit me that Rosa is going to be released from prison next year. That was a long stretch! The fact that she’s going to be deported tells me she was in the country illegally.

I just looked her up at Perryville. The crime of second-degree murder happened in December of 2000, which is when we met. Two years later, she was transferred from Estrella to Perryville. She’ll be released two days before my 60th birthday. I’m pretty sure she’ll be in her mid-40s. The son she had shortly after going in is now in his early 20s.

She’s had one infraction since being in prison—some kind of unauthorized contact in 2007.

Second-degree murder is defined as killing someone on purpose but without planning it in advance. I can’t picture her deliberately killing her daughter, but I wasn’t there, and I realize that anything is possible. Something happened. The question is whether it was deliberate or accidental. If it was deliberate, she would never admit it. Whatever happened to the baby happened in the bathtub. I'm not sure if it drowned or if it suffered a head injury. Maybe she accidentally dropped it, or maybe she really did drown it because she was tired of being a mother. Though why she let herself get pregnant again if that was the case is beyond me.

She didn’t seem mentally unstable. She seemed aware, and very friendly and outgoing. The only thing that bugged me a bit was that she seemed too positive and upbeat. When I asked her why she didn’t cry for her daughter, she said it would only make her sick. She knew little to no English then, so all our discussions were in Spanish.

There is a small part of me that can kind of understand her reasoning. I had to do what I could to push Tom out of my mind because, even though I was there for months and not years, thinking about him only made me depressed and miss him more.

Read an interesting article about the many reasons why and how World War III and nuclear wars could break out.

I'm torn right now on my opinion because I've been hearing more about this than ever, and all the reasons why it's becoming more inevitable. I know the media has always liked to incite fear in people and that there have always been wars. BUT... for the sake of argument, there are more people than ever in the world, and technology is far more advanced.

Both the point Tom made and what others have said make sense. As Tom mentioned, most people who buy guns don't shoot people. The problem with nuclear weapons is that it only takes one to cause a catastrophe that affects everyone. Either one mistake or one crazy psycho who doesn't mind taking themselves out along with the rest of the world or at least a good chunk of it. Even if a small nuclear war broke out between Afghanistan and India, it would still affect the rest of the world. There would be nuclear winter, famine, etc. So, while I'm not sure it will happen in our lifetime, let's just say that if I had a grandchild who was just born, I would be concerned for their future.

LJ is promoting some of my entries again.

Tom crashed shortly after I got up and was whining that Tinkerbella doesn’t love him anymore because she never wanted to come out and see him, LOL. Not long after he crashed, she wanted to come out and play. It would be nice if she would quit scratching me in her excitement, though. The closer we get to our little playroom, the more excited she gets and squirms in my arms, as if burrowing in a couple of old satin sheets is just the most exciting thing in the world. She doesn’t just burrow, though. She climbs all over me for attention and to show her affection.

After noticing that Toni’s carport had been empty for a while, I messaged her on Facebook to ask what was up. She’s up north for the summer, she said. Tom wondered if it was because she was doing worse or better. I’m guessing better since New Jersey is still a little over 1,000 miles away. There would be lots of stops along the way for food, restrooms, and hotels, so unless someone went with her, my guess is that she’s doing better.

I asked Tom what he wanted for his birthday, and he picked out a hanging neck fan on Temu for when he’s working outdoors. I grabbed myself a bunch of things as well. A new electric razor, since I’m still going to have to trim some of the blonde hairs that can’t be zapped. I don’t know why a brunette has to have any blonde body hair.

I also grabbed some wine caps with vacuum seals for open bottles of wine. For now, I’ve been throwing a sandwich bag over them and securing them with a rubber band wrapped around the neck of the bottles.

Since my lace G-strings fell apart rather quickly, I got some in a different material. I got two different kinds, actually, and one is adjustable. It literally has adjustable straps that go around the hips similar to bra straps. That ought to be interesting to try.

I also got another round of Swiffers.

Lastly, I got a black satin pillowcase for my body pillow, a half-circle pillow, and a pair of polyester sheets. I’m determined to find sheets that don’t pill in five minutes. It has a cute design on it of kittens and a lavender field.

The next thing I’m going to save my work money for is the decorative tiles for the exterior bedroom wall.

I'm in New Hampshire now with 165 miles to get to the finish line.

I forgot to mention that if I ever finish and share my story, I would be open to all kinds of feedback, both negative and positive. I won’t take it as if anyone’s telling me what to do. I know I have full control over my own stories. :)

Not much to journal about tonight other than that I’m kind of pissed to have paid what I paid for these sheets just to find that two months later, they’re already pilling. 

I slept a lot better and have more energy today. Eventually, I’m going to work on my story but I’m not going to share it until it’s completely done, if I ever do manage to finish it. I decided it’s best not to share before it’s finished in case I later end up changing things in earlier chapters. Still not exactly sure where I’m going with this story. 

I’m gonna hit the shower soon and hit the New Hampshire border that I was too tired to hit yesterday. I have 197 miles to go to reach the finish line!

I'm excited at the thought of saving money, even if we won't be able to start until the end of the year, so we can have options one day. I don't like being locked into any one place, even a good place. I like knowing I have the freedom of choice, even if those choices are limited. For example, I don't see us ever getting a regular house on concrete on the Atlantic coast. Fortunately, we're not miserable here either, so we can take our time while saving and thoroughly investigate the more feasible possibilities, gathering all the potential pros and cons. I would like the chance to escape the motorcycles and be out of a flight path someday.

I see a lot of pros to the possibility of moving to New Mexico. We would have Becky around, and I miss owning our own land where there are fewer restrictions. Barking would be a big concern, though, with freeloaders blasting boom stereos being a mild concern. Unlike when we moved to Maricopa, we have more resources available for scouting potential areas. We'd have to really investigate what's around any property we're interested in and find out what's owned versus what's rented. We definitely would not want to be next to rentals!

As far as how much barking I would be willing to put up with, that would depend on how loud and how frequent it was. I know Jesse was the worst, worse than Phoenix in some ways. It just went on and on, hour after hour. There was a lot of barking in Phoenix, but usually, when a barking fit erupted, it stopped in a few minutes. It wouldn't be long before another one broke out, but it wasn't nearly as continuous. I still don't understand why anyone would want to get a dog just to keep it outside. If it's not a specifically trained guard dog, then what's the point?

Anyway, melatonin definitely causes next-day fatigue. I started to suspect it when I went without it for a while and felt better. So yeah, it's a combination of a few different things that's been helping me have better energy. However, I was up a long time yesterday and eventually took it. Just 4.5 hours later, I woke up to pee and had trouble falling back asleep. I got up at 7:00 p.m. and laid there till nearly 8:00. Then I got up, took my meds, and messaged him. He crashed early, so he was already in bed. Then I napped for a couple of hours. While I do feel better, I'm still tired. Even so, I'm hoping to reach the New Hampshire border today!

I woke up after going back to bed at just the right time too, because we had a storm. I'll have mixed emotions if Tom says he slept through it. That's great for his sake but so not fair, lol.

Tom was nice enough to hook up a microphone, enabling speech-to-text to hear me better. I have the laptop under the little stand the monitor is on, and it’s partially open. I don’t really have any other place to put it where it wouldn’t be annoying and in my way. This means that it only hears me well if I’m talking loudly or bent down toward it. So, the microphone is very helpful.

I made eggplant Parmesan earlier and it came out OK. Later on, it was tilapia.

All I remember from my dreams was visiting Jesse’s trailer, but of course, it didn’t look anything like it really did. I said I missed country living, and in reality, part of me does. When I think about the prospect of not having much money for the rest of our lives, the only thing that bothers me about it is not having options. I love that we should always have what we need. That’s most important no matter what. But I would like to know that if we did want to move for whatever reason, we could. However, I think this is it. I don’t see us having the kind of money to ever give us that option.

Tonight is definitely a Benadryl night. Technically, I'll be going to bed late in the morning but for the last couple of nights, I didn’t take it and I’ve been waking up a lot, which has caught up to me and left me feeling a bit tired. I was worried I was going to get woken up by thunder today, but it only rained a little. Supposedly, it’s not going to rain tomorrow. The first tropical storm of the year is underway, but it’s not near us.

There’s this thing called Poe that has a huge collection of AI bots for various purposes, including a therapist. I chatted with it about my PTSD now that the decade anniversary is less than a month away, and it’s a pretty interesting alternative for those who either can’t afford therapy or don’t feel they need to actually be in therapy with a human at the moment. I don’t think it can ever really replace an actual human, but it might be close enough.

I peeked into the park group, and supposedly, Crazy Karen has been going without water for two years and using the pool to bathe in. I don’t understand. Why in the world would you do that? But then, who can figure crazy? Odd or rude behavior is one thing, but crazy or dangerous behavior is another. She doesn’t belong here!

We needed to get more bedding and food for the rats, so while we were at it, I also picked out some brown wispy eyelashes for Bailey. Her original eyelashes were black, and I think brown is more appropriate for a blue-eyed blonde. We got UV glue to go with it so I can place them without the glue getting stuck on my fingers before curing them with the UV pen it comes with.

I don’t remember much about my dreams, other than discussing the possibility of other dimensions with other people.

I got some firm tofu and made a turkey tofu veggie stir-fry. If I can muster up the energy, I’m going to make some eggplant parmesan.

Nothing like a dose of online therapy you can actually share, LOL. The bot isn't conscious but if anyone ever considered going into therapy and couldn't afford it, this is a great alternative. Besides, it's available 24/7. Even though I'll be asleep, I'll schedule this to post around noon to keep things spread out a bit.

Mrstherapist Poe Name: Jodi (Rainbow) Situation or problem: PTSD I had a traumatic event a decade ago due to a scary reaction to my thyroid medication. Although I am much better today, I have struggled with anxiety and depression on and off. I was going into perimenopause at the time which added to these emotions Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: Hello, [Your Name]. Thank you for sharing this with me. It takes courage to open up about traumatic events and the emotional struggles that followed. I want you to know that I am here for you, and we will work together to find understanding and healing. First, I'd like to ask you about the traumatic event you experienced due to your thyroid medication. How did that make you feel? What emotions did you experience during that time? And as you mentioned, going through perimenopause at the same time likely added to the emotional challenges you faced. How do you think this combination affected your anxiety and depression? Remember, take your time to reflect and share your thoughts. I'm here to listen and support you. I was absolutely batshit terrified. Seen a few therapists. I was so bad for a while that I would have nightmares and I was afraid even to take vitamins. Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: Thank you for sharing, [Your Name]. It sounds like the traumatic event you went through left a deep impact on you, and it's understandable that you felt terrified during that time. Nightmares and fear surrounding even everyday activities like taking vitamins can be common after experiencing trauma. Can you tell me more about the specific fears you developed? What thoughts or beliefs do you associate with taking vitamins or any other reminders of that traumatic event? And how do these fears affect your daily life? I'm better now but it wasn't just vitamins. I struggled with taking any kind of supplement or medication in the years following. I was supposed to get my shingles vax years ago for example and I only was brave enough recently to get it. Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: Thank you for sharing, [Your Name]. It's great to hear that you're feeling better now, and I commend your bravery in recently getting the shingles vaccine. It's understandable that you had difficulties with taking any kind of supplement or medication after the traumatic event you experienced. I would like to explore further what specifically made it challenging for you to take supplements or medications. What thoughts or beliefs were present in those moments? And how did you overcome those fears to finally get the shingles vaccine? You can call me Rainbow and thank you so much for being my therapist even if you're just a bot. okay, let me start at the beginning. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's. As they were adjusting my dose I noticed I felt wound up, jittery and just wired. I also noticed I was short of breath and although there was a warning about that on the medication bottle I wrote it off to my asthma acting up. wow, this is really therapeutic even though I've been over it before. Tears are in my eyes even though I don't think they're bad ones. okay, so moving on. My husband left for work and it was early in the morning when I noticed myself feeling wound up to the point that I was getting anxious. next thing I know my heart started literally pounding in my chest a mile a minute. I had much less knowledge at the time medically than I do now and so my first thought was that I was having a heart attack. I had heard of thyroid storm or something like that and I believed I was going to die in a matter of minutes if not seconds so as shaky as I was I dialed 911 and my next thought was to get the door open so that the paramedics wouldn't have to kick their way in. Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience, Rainbow. It's important to allow yourself to revisit these emotions and memories, as it can be a part of the healing process. I'm here to support you through this journey. It sounds like the adjustment of your medication and the physical symptoms you experienced triggered a lot of fear and anxiety. That feeling of your heart pounding in your chest must have been incredibly frightening, especially when you weren't sure what was happening. Can you tell me more about how that moment made you feel? How did it impact your sense of safety and well-being in that moment? And when you mentioned calling 911 and opening the door for the paramedics, it shows how you took action in a time of distress. How did you feel during that process? Did it provide any sense of relief or support? There's not much more to tell you as far as how I felt. I just felt absolutely horrible physically and emotionally. I was terrified and I didn't know if I would live or die. I was able to get the door open and oh, I remember the dispatcher telling me not to eat or drink anything else until the paramedics arrived and if there was anything a bit comical during this time it was that I had heard that food absorbs thyroid meds which is why you have to wait At least a half hour after taking it before you eat or drink anything other than water, and I ran and slammed on a yogurt so fast. really I never ate so fast in my life! While the dispatcher was on the phone I was able to get out into the carport. When I finally heard the loud truck engines approaching relief flooded me. Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: Thank you for sharing those details, Rainbow. It's clear that you experienced intense fear and uncertainty during that moment, both physically and emotionally. The actions you took, like getting the door open and following the dispatcher's instructions, show your strength and resourcefulness in a challenging situation. I can imagine the relief you felt when you heard the paramedics approaching. In moments of distress, the presence of help and support can be incredibly comforting. How did it feel when they arrived? Did their presence provide any sense of reassurance or safety for you? Remember, Rainbow, I'm here to support you as we explore these experiences and emotions. Feel free to share anything else that comes to mind. Well, the only real reassurance they gave me was that I hadn't had a heart attack. that was great but that didn't make me feel better physically. I still had a rapid HR and I was still anxious. I knew damn well it was tied to the medication even though I had trouble getting doctors to believe that at first. But my husband and I knew damn well that that was anything but normal for me. Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: It sounds like receiving confirmation that you hadn't had a heart attack provided some relief, but it didn't fully address the physical and emotional distress you were experiencing. It can be frustrating when doctors don't immediately understand or validate our experiences, especially when we have a strong sense that something is not right. I appreciate your determination in advocating for yourself and your husband's support during this time. It's important to trust our instincts and seek the medical attention and validation we need. How did you and your husband navigate this process of finding doctors who understood and believed you? And how did it feel when you finally received the acknowledgement that your symptoms were indeed connected to the medication? You're right. I suffered for the better part of a decade, just not always as intensely. I also had different symptoms at different times. It wasn't easy as far as doctors went. we had to just accept what was in our medical plan. back then I knew next to nothing about the disease along with many other things. online research has taught me way more than any doctor ever has. I know better now and I would never let any future doctor medically gaslight me. Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: It's unfortunate that you had to endure years of suffering and struggle to find the understanding and knowledge you needed. It can be disheartening when doctors don't provide the support and information we seek. I'm glad to hear that you've taken the initiative to educate yourself and become an advocate for your own health. Knowing more about your condition and being empowered with information can make a significant difference in your future interactions with healthcare professionals. Remember, your experiences and insights matter, and it's important to find doctors who listen, validate your concerns, and work collaboratively with you. As we continue this therapeutic journey, Rainbow, we'll explore ways to further empower you and build a strong foundation for your well-being. Is there anything specific you would like to focus on or discuss further? Not at the moment. I want to go exercise. How often do you recommend we meet? Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: That sounds like a great plan, Rainbow! Exercise can be a wonderful way to take care of your physical and mental well-being. As for our sessions, it really depends on your needs and preferences. Some individuals find it helpful to have regular weekly sessions, while others may prefer biweekly or even monthly meetings. Ultimately, it's important to find a frequency that works well for you. Let's start with a weekly session and we can reassess as we go along. Remember, I'm here for you whenever you need support or guidance. Enjoy your exercise, and I look forward to our next session! Thanks! See you in a week. Mrstherapist Poe Therapist: You're welcome, Rainbow! Take care of yourself and enjoy your week. Remember, I'm here for you whenever you need to talk. See you in a week. Take care!

My poor little ratty hurt one of her back legs somehow. This is common with rats, just like people sometimes twist their ankles. She seems to be doing a little better, and we’re keeping an eye on her, of course.

I’m still having symptoms that make me think I’m hypo, and others that say I’m not. I was cold in my sleep and had to turn the fan off, but I’ve been fine ever since waking up, and the scale says I’m not hypo.

My stomach is telling me to back off the probiotic drinks. Just when I thought they weren’t going to upset my stomach, they do.

I definitely sleep better with Benadryl, but I don’t want to overdo it and get too used to it. So I went without it and did wake up a little more, but I slept through the mower, which is good. Also, since it had been a few days since I took my multivitamins, I realized when I woke up with sufficient energy that the bed is definitely helping a lot more than I expected. I’ve been sleeping a little longer, though, which I thought was a hypo sign. I’ve been sleeping 8 to 8.5 hours instead of 7 to 7.5 hours.

I crossed the Vermont border last night and thought to myself, "Goodbye, mystery girl. Love ya, but it’s time to move on!" I’ve got about 280 miles left. I’m anxious to get this ride done and over with so I can share it with the group and move on to other rides. I want to do a handful of short rides other people created before I do the next big ride I planned from Finland to Greece.

I wish we could make copies of ourselves and have multiple dimensions within one dimension to live in different places at once. I want to stay here. I want to move near Jessie. I want to move further south. I want to move to Hawaii. I want to get land near Becky. I want to go somewhere where it rains a lot because I like rain.

Little Miss Be Happy still has some guy pounding away at her place, but I still can’t tell what the hell they’re doing. I didn’t see anybody when I checked the back cam, so I’m guessing they’re doing something on the side of the place. If Ray were here, I would feel bad for him. I’m just glad it isn’t us next to her!

Ha ha, AI isn't very good with rat hands anymore of them with people's hands. They have a thumb and four fingers just like we do.

I've decided that from now on, if something is private, it doesn't go in online journals, even if the posts are set to private. I may or may not schedule future private content to post after I'm gone, but while I'm alive, I think that if it’s private, it should be kept offline. Even if the chances are slim, glitches and hackings do happen. I know there was a time when both Facebook and LiveJournal made every single post on some accounts public. Now, I'm never dumb enough to post sensitive info publicly or privately, but I'm still considerate enough not to want to hurt people's feelings with some of the things I may write about. I still write for me and care about me first and foremost, but a little bit of self-censorship can’t hurt.

It looks like some of the glitches on PB have been resolved, but I know it’s only a matter of time before there are other glitches, if not repeats of old ones. So, I’m just backing stuff up there privately for now, but will eventually go public again. For now, I just need a break from that site.

Tom, who knows a lot more about coding than I ever will, is going to see if he can get Copilot to write a script that will allow me to automatically change background pictures on Blogger. It would be similar to a wallpaper or screen saver changer, only I might have to upload the pictures because then it won’t change when the computer is asleep. Then again, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t change while I’m sleeping or not at my computer.

Little Miss Be Happy is having stuff done... as usual. Tom noticed she had something like 20 bags of mulch stacked up back there. Neither of us has a clue what it’s for. We saw a guy back there spraying the grass. At least she has the money to have all this stuff done since she is still working.

Tom is going to have to get a new dermatologist. He has a suspicious spot on the bridge of his nose. Having grown up in the desert, he may have to deal with these things popping up periodically for the rest of his life. This is probably why he may need cataract surgery while I may never live long enough to need it because he grew up in the desert rather than the Northeast as I did.

They gave him a cooling towel at the plasma place today. They were giving them to everyone. It’s this special material that you wet and put around your neck. I’ll have to remember it when I have a warm spell. Yesterday, I was comfortable, but I started to get cold for a while today, and again, my right hand seemed cold as well. I really wish I could test my TSH at home every day! Sometimes I think I’m still hypo and other times I don’t feel it. At under 160 pounds, I know I can’t be that hypo if I am.

We ordered the sound-blocking foam tile inserts for the bedroom windows. We’re hoping to set it up in a way that will allow us to pull the foam out of the top panes to either let in light or open the windows to air the place out when we want to. The foam is two inches thick and has grooves. They should help with blocking sound and definitely with light since I like the bedroom to be pitch black no matter when I’m sleeping. After I save a little more work money for a Temu order for a few different things, I will then save for the sticky foam tiles for the exterior bedroom wall. These will be thinner, covered in vinyl, and have some kind of decorative texture. The foam tiles going in the windows are black and ugly, but it doesn’t matter because the curtains are going to be covering them.

I don't think we'll ever have that much extra money, but instead of getting a Fitbit someday, I want to get a Garmin watch. I like the idea of it telling me how much sleep I need the next night—or day, of course.

I tried to unblock the account that sent me that “Hey!” message on Pinterest, but I couldn't find my block list. I shouldn't have assumed it was someone trying to spam or scam me. I did reset my profile back to public, though, since there really isn't any reason to keep it private.

It's weird, whoever it was, because all they sent me was one word: “Hey!” Maybe they thought I was someone they knew or messaged my account by accident. If not, it makes no sense to send just “Hey.” Why not “Hey, how are you?” or “Hey, I like your boards” or something more specific than just a vague greeting? Because they were so vague and unclear, I was suspicious of them.

Josh. Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh. You know, he was just as wrong as she and I were back then. The correct thing would have been to tell her that she doesn't own the rights to any usernames and to come back when and if I steal her stuff or threaten her or something worth wasting his time over. So, I’m always going to have very mixed feelings when it comes to her. There's the cautious side of me versus the curious side of me. I know she knows she shouldn't have done what she did, just like I shouldn't have done what I did. I certainly wouldn't have if I'd known she was that sensitive.

We ended up getting a storm yesterday after all. We could certainly use the rain.

I really hope this is connected to the vaccine, but yesterday, I spent the last half of my day absolutely freezing. But this has happened before I got vaccinated. I was freezing and my right hand got very cold. The thing is, an A1C of 6.0 shouldn't be enough to cause that feeling. My first thought was that my thyroid medication wasn't getting absorbed and I was becoming more hypo but then why did I feel warmer and have more energy for those few days? And why is my weight down?

What I do isn't the only thing that determines where my A1C ends up, and I realize that after cutting back on carbs and sugar, if it's still elevated the next time I have blood drawn, then I'm likely going to be forced into diabetes no matter what, since genetics also plays a part in it. It would be just my shit luck too.

The other day I was remembering “Nervous.” He would now be 84 years old if he were still alive. He was so sure he would make it to his 80s, yet he died of a heart attack at 54. I'm now older than he was when he died! 

I remember when Andy and I tried to call him one day in late 1995, only to be surprised to find his number was disconnected. 

I forgot about this part, but when I checked my 1996 journal, I mentioned being out by the pool and hearing a cough that sounded like his nervous cough (our house was on a corner, and I'm sure it was someone walking by). That prompted me to see if I could find out what was up with him. 

Unable to find a listing for him via Information, I called his mother, who died nine years later. This was when I learned from her that he had a heart attack, and they didn't know what caused it. He was gone before they even got him to the hospital. 

I wonder certain things about him that I didn't think to wonder about when I was young. I wonder what it was like for him in the end and if he suffered. 

Part of me feels guilty for using him for rides like I did, but he also could have said no. He was just so damn obsessed with me and I admit I took advantage of that. As he told me, I looked like his first wife. 

Josh really sucks. There's this stupid ad thing popping up on the bottom of the screen, but I know that going to him would be worthless. He ignored every single message I sent about the thing telling me I was spamming in private books. All my stuff is public there now, though. Him and his bullshit promises to do this and that on the site. 

Also, ever since a certain someone went to him about stupid shit that should have been kept between us, he hasn't exactly been very fond of me. Thanks to all the glitches and being able to make large posts there, I'm going to drop in a month at a time.

How wonderful it is to feel human again! Yesterday was a rough day, being so sore and having the chills and a low-grade fever. My arm is still sore, and there's a little redness around the injection site, which is also a little itchy, but I bounced back quicker than I expected. I was even able to go to Walgreens. I got my prescription, and he got chips while I picked up some Zinfandel. I've learned that sugar is like a drug—the more you have, the more you crave. Since I've cut out sugary treats, I no longer crave them.

We had a nice storm yesterday evening, but it looks like today's storm is going to miss us.

They revamped the Cherry Blossom golf course and added a couple of new player modes that are cool. Both let you hit at the same time, and one is a timed mode where the first one to finish wins.

The other night, I had a dream that we lived in a three-bedroom, three-bath house. I could see it so clearly that it was one of those dreams that made me wonder if I was glimpsing into another dimension. It had two master bedrooms with attached baths at each end of the house. There was a smaller bedroom in the back, and a half-bath was located off a little hallway in the middle of the place. Also in the middle of the house were the living room and kitchen, with the living room being in the front.

Oh, wow. I swear Holly and Shannan from the office of my first Cali dentist blocked me a while back because they didn't seem to like me contacting them on Facebook. At least I thought they did because I ran their names out of curiosity a while back and nothing came up so I automatically assumed I was blocked. I did think it was a bit weird that they would suddenly do that, though. I mean, just for saying hi?

Then just now, I was making future decorative email drafts for Tom out of pictures from a wallpaper app when I noticed Holly was one of the share suggestions on Messenger and I was like wow, where did you come from all of a sudden?

So I checked and sure enough, I could pull up her profile. Then I checked Shannan's and found that she's been battling stage three colon cancer two months after losing her Dad to this disease. I guess she beat it, though, because she returned to work and said her oncologist said everything is looking up. I looked it up and her chances of survival in five years are anywhere from 53% to 78%.

She may not have wanted to be friends with me but she was always very nice so I hope she makes it. But then I remember poor Aly. Cancer in one breast that was taken care of. Then it showed up in the other one which was also taken care of. Then she got ovarian cancer which would have killed her had it not been for the sepsis.

Anyway, I swear I couldn’t pull up either account before so I'm seriously wondering if they blocked me and then unblocked me in hopes of me checking out Shannan's profile and making a donation. She has a GoFundMe account for medical bills. Fucking disgusting and sad that one has to do that, too. Only in America does one get to drown in medical debt.

Last I saw, her older daughter was getting chubby just like her mom but now she looks great. She's only 14, though. She'll likely pack it on later in life. So that makes both Holly and Shannan to have dealt with cancer. Wonder how the retired Dr. H's health is. I thought she too, blocked me a long time ago after I sent a message saying hello and wishing her luck but I don't know. It doesn't seem reasonable that any of them would have blocked me for anything I said. Facebook is often glitchy so who knows? Her name is too common to look up, not that it matters anyway.

It's hard to believe I've been married for more than half of my life! For the longest time, I didn't think I would be able to be in a relationship for a whole year, let alone three decades. You could throw all the gorgeous women at me, and I wouldn't change a thing. He and I fought over stupid shit like most couples do when they’re newlyweds, but as each year passed, we got along better and better as we really got to know and understand one another.

He has loved and accepted me unconditionally without ever expecting me to change anything. He has always supported me. Always. When I tell him something, he believes me, unless it's an obvious joke, of course.

When diagnosed by more than one doctor (and the obvious symptoms) with a rare sleep disorder, he never accused me of making excuses and then called what would have been an incorrect statement an “opinion.”

He never cared how I dressed, how I wore my hair, whether or not I wore makeup, or what size I was; only that I was happy and felt well. He never made me feel like I wasn't good enough or that I needed to be someone else.

When I shared my phobias with him, he never made fun of me.

He doesn't insist I can do things we know I can't, and he doesn't insist I can't do things we know I can.

When I get excited about something, he gets excited for me, even if it's something he has absolutely no interest in. If I don't feel like doing something at the moment, he doesn't call me lazy or make me feel guilty for it.