The other day I was remembering “Nervous.” He would now be 84 years old if he were still alive. He was so sure he would make it to his 80s, yet he died of a heart attack at 54. I'm now older than he was when he died! 

I remember when Andy and I tried to call him one day in late 1995, only to be surprised to find his number was disconnected. 

I forgot about this part, but when I checked my 1996 journal, I mentioned being out by the pool and hearing a cough that sounded like his nervous cough (our house was on a corner, and I'm sure it was someone walking by). That prompted me to see if I could find out what was up with him. 

Unable to find a listing for him via Information, I called his mother, who died nine years later. This was when I learned from her that he had a heart attack, and they didn't know what caused it. He was gone before they even got him to the hospital. 

I wonder certain things about him that I didn't think to wonder about when I was young. I wonder what it was like for him in the end and if he suffered. 

Part of me feels guilty for using him for rides like I did, but he also could have said no. He was just so damn obsessed with me and I admit I took advantage of that. As he told me, I looked like his first wife. 

Josh really sucks. There's this stupid ad thing popping up on the bottom of the screen, but I know that going to him would be worthless. He ignored every single message I sent about the thing telling me I was spamming in private books. All my stuff is public there now, though. Him and his bullshit promises to do this and that on the site. 

Also, ever since a certain someone went to him about stupid shit that should have been kept between us, he hasn't exactly been very fond of me. Thanks to all the glitches and being able to make large posts there, I'm going to drop in a month at a time.