I guess I'd better do some updating before I get any more behind. I had quite a reaction to the Doxepin. Nothing dangerous or anything like that, but oh my God, let me start at the beginning!

Last night I had lots of mouth farts. Even with the mouth tape, air would accumulate in my mouth and I have no idea why because I slept untaped the previous two nights without leaks. I guess it's just whatever likes to curse my sleep.

The mowers woke me up on Tuesday, and then my mask decided to whistle me a little tune when I accidentally lay on the pinholes, which are there for exhalation ventilation as well as to keep you from suffocating if the machine stops in your sleep.

Anyway, it was almost 48 hours ago that I took the first Doxepin, and believe me, it was the last! I swear to God I'm never going to take another medication again other than my thyroid pills, even if they told me it was a matter of life or death. I’ll gladly take death because I am just so sensitive to medication.

So I took it at 3:30 in the morning two nights ago, crashed an hour or two later, and ended up sleeping for like 9½ hours. I woke up groggy as hell. Just totally out of it, and my brain wouldn't work right. It was a shitty feeling. I couldn't do much but lie in bed, and ended up napping not just once, but twice. Each time was for about an hour and a half. So now I'm up to a total of 12½ hours of sleep.

So when bedtime came around the next night, I figured I wouldn’t sleep long since I slept so much the night before, but I did. I slept 9 hours last time around and even had one nap.

It's just so fucking frustrating because it's like no matter what I do to try to help myself, it just seems to make things worse. All I do is suffer, and if something up there is trying to drive me to the end, it’s slowly but surely working. Knowing my CF is incurable has been pure hell on me emotionally as well as physically. Knowing it's pointless to try to help myself, I've said fuck it. I’ll just give up on myself till it’s time to throw the towel in for good.

The CPAP has stopped me from having noticeable breathing issues, but it's not going to restore my energy. The machine is no match for CF. I have a sore throat that's common with CF right now, too. Besides, I may not have as many events as I used to but I'm going to have almost as many leaks to make up for them, so I'm going to sleep shitty no matter what I do. The CF alone means shitty sleep quality anyway. No matter what I do or how I sleep, I'm almost always going to wake up not feeling refreshed. 

I literally broke down and tears, realizing that my life is basically over. The CF is a definite life sentence. Especially when it's gotten as bad as mine has gotten. No more trips. No more going out for walks or bike rides or even to the beach. Just going to the store and appointments has become a struggle. The rest of my life will be spent sitting around doing next to nothing. They call it pacing. I call it what it is... being forced to be lazy and miss out on life. There's absolutely no treatment or cure for it, so I'm basically just forced to spend the rest of my life being tired half the time which really sucks.