Written yesterday:

Heading to the pulmonologist now. Really hope I can get some helpful answers. I also hope they don't have their AC cranked up as hypo as I know I am. I can't possibly be this cold and under 10. Something ain’t right, but we’ll find out after the first. 

Not looking forward to filling out tons of paperwork with blasting music or TVs. I miss the days when you went in, gave your name, number, and address, and waited in a quiet room.

VZ’s Summer Challenge is out. First ride is in Dubai, then comes rides in Greece, South Africa, Arizona, and Hawaii. 

Guess my long-term memory isn’t all that great after all. Was reading back in my 1992 journal about my brief encounter with Rosemarie and a discussion Fay supposedly had with her that I’d forgotten. In the laundry room, Rosemarie confided to her that she was in fear of Rick, who was watching her like a hawk and had beaten up some other girl. I could see that, too. I mean, he came off as a real aggressive asshole.

Fay also said Rosemarie did feel bad for what she said to me at the pool, but feared AIDS as well, to which Faye reminded her that straights can get that, too. Then it hit me for the first time in all these years—assuming she really did say that—why would she fear AIDS if she had no intention of hooking up with me? Well, I don't believe Rosemarie was interested in me, and probably not even any other woman, but I do believe she was under Rick's thumb. I also read how I saw them arguing one time outside their place.

I watch a lot of Lifetime movies and saw a movie about a kidnap victim, but the more I watched, the less I felt sorry for her. It’s true that eventually, she was not allowed to leave, and yes, she was raped, but after several years, her kidnapper did allow her out to run small errands. So not only did she have the opportunity to escape, but she could have alerted the guy’s parents living downstairs of her presence. In one scene, a cop showed up asking about her. If she could hear him, he could have heard her if she just yelled out. I get that she was scared and how impressionable we are in our teens, but come on. Even she was old enough to know she'd be safer on the streets than holed up in some raping asshole’s attic and accepting his marriage proposal like she did.

Written today:

I'm officially back in the 160s :-( If it isn't my thyroid, then what is it? My eating and exercise habits haven't changed. I know I'm only getting older, but I'm betting my thyroid needs tweaking again because I've been so cold. Plus, there are other symptoms. For whatever good it will do me in the end, I'm still trying to prevent that 100 mcg dream from coming true by increasing waiting time and vitamins.

If I'm gonna be fat anyway, I decided to splurge on some caramel candy. I won't overdo it, though, or the frozen dinners, because I don't want to become diabetic, and my blood pressure is high enough. The frozen stuff is just for when I'm too tired to cook and craving variety. It really sucks because the anxiety is the worst feeling in the world that comes with me being in or very close to the target range, but the fatigue is definitely much more debilitating. If I'm supposed to be a psychic influencer and not just a premonitioner, I really need to improve my skills at that and try to put a spell on myself as best I can to influence myself into or at least very close to the target range so I can hopefully perk up somewhat. I “psyched” myself off of regular use of asthma and allergy medication for a while, so hopefully I can influence my dumbass hormones as well.

We liked the new pulmonologist. What we didn't like was that we were sent to the wrong office. But luckily, we had just enough time and charge to get to the right one, which was where we wanted to go to begin with, and then back home. He's given me a referral to a sleep dentist.

He seemed very nice and very understanding, but said that I'm the only one he's ever known that's had such an issue with the chipmunk cheek effect. Yeah, I don't doubt it. I haven't been running around insisting my sleep is cursed just for the fun of it. However, they are lessening. I didn't notice any last night. But even so, it would still be good to have options. I asked him if, in light of my collapsed nasal valves, I could use a mouth guard in conjunction with a CPAP on its lowest setting, and he said I could. He too, uses the nasal pillow and has been using it for 14 years. The amount of air it allows up my nose to make for easier breathing is amazing. Might skip the chipmunk tape tonight and see how I do, even though without tape, they're a little more likely to occur.

We got the events under control, and now I wish there was a way to get the fragmented sleep under control but there wouldn’t be without taking a medication that would backfire on me. Whether I drink or not and no matter what I eat, I still wake up a lot unless I take clonazepam, and I can't take that every day for the rest of my life, unfortunately. I reserve what's left of my stash for when I'm really having a problem.

Anyway, Florida sure feels a lot hotter than it is, whereas California, Oregon, and Arizona felt cooler than it was, thanks to all the humidity. It was only in the mid-80s, but it felt like it was 100 degrees out there.

I was in such a good mood when we returned, having more energy than I expected, getting out in the sunlight, and getting the ball rolling toward finding other options, that I drank more than I normally do. I must have had two or three glasses of wine because I passed out earlier than expected. Now I can kind of understand that saying "passed out drunk." Got to admit it was kind of fun, and I would definitely drink more than I do if it weren't for Tom and his worrying.

It's a good thing I got up to pee when I did, otherwise I would have been thundered awake again. We had quite a storm, and it was a while before I could fall back asleep. 

Nothing exciting by way of dreams. Something about Tammy and the mystery girl getting sleep apnea. I hope not!