Today at 3:00, I have to see Dr. Osborne. That sucks.

Tomorrow I go for an interview at the school dept. I wonder what they will need me to do.

I just called Elizabeth who says she’s gonna have some photocopying but isn’t sure when she’ll have the stuff ready but will call me today or tomorrow to let me know for sure. Probably Wednesday.

Last night I called Tammy and even sang for her a little on the phone. I told her I wanted a music book for my birthday. Either Canciones De Mi Padre or Madonna. Hope she gets it.

I still don’t know what to get my family and friends but I don’t think I’m gonna shop till next month. Around December 1st I’ll start my gift shopping.

Later...

I just called Tammy and told her that Philip can’t bring me down to her place on December 3rd cuz he’s going to Mexico. If not, I’ll be on the bus.

Tammy said, “Just use Nervous. It’ll be only for an hour and a half. “

No way, I told her. He’s too pushy, never shuts up, drives like a maniac and I just don’t trust his car.

Tammy said she’ll get back to me.

Nervous says he’s gonna get me a keyboard but I doubt it, and if he does, he better not expect me to kiss his ass cuz things aren’t gonna change.

Oh God, what’s he gonna do when I move? He’ll just die. I’ll give him my address and number but I really don’t want to see him. I will, however, talk to him on the phone. Why not? He’ll be paying and he’s more tolerable on the phone than in person. If I ever let him see me inside my apartment or in the neighborhood, he’ll no doubt be awfully curious and will probably spy. I hope he does. The thought amuses me.

Later...

I called for bus fare info just in case and the prices are outrageous. $20 one-way and $38 round-trip. Ridiculous. I’ll get down there somehow.

In 20 minutes or so I’ve got to catch the bus downtown, then transfer to the Feeding Hills bus. What sucks is that I’m gonna have to wait for a half-hour for the doctor and then 40-45 minutes for the bus afterward.

Later...

I am now at Osborne’s waiting to see the “Wizard of Oz.” I think I just saw Debbie, the little jerk.

When I got off the bus I went to Dunkin Donuts cuz I knew I had time to kill and I’ll have plenty of it to kill after I see Oz, too. Before I got on the Feeding Hills bus I went into Johnson’s and bought more journals. A big one and a little one. The prettiest one of all has no lines.

It’s about 3:00 now and I hope he’s not late as all doctors are. But then again it really doesn’t matter cuz the next bus isn’t till 4:00. After I see him I’ll be damned if I’ll wait outside. It’s too windy. I’ll wait in here.

I’ve been thinking about moving a lot lately. Yes, I really do want to move. And fast. But it’ll no doubt take several more months.

Later...

I just saw Ozzy and now I’m waiting for the bus. He’s a really nice guy. He says I’ve come a long way and have been through a lot. He agrees I am a survivor and can handle anything. He also says I definitely must stop the Navane. He understands it’ll be difficult but that it’s important to reverse the tardive dyskinesia. He gave me some tea which I’ll finish now, then go to the bus stop.

Later...

I am home now and I just ate 3 pieces of chicken, some rice and some green beans. Next, I’ll take my meds and my vitamins.

Some crazy wacko was running her mouth at the bus stop about the shelter she’s living in and the job she wants. Some people are weird. Reminds me of Nervo.

Wednesday I can’t forget to watch my show Unsolved Mysteries. I missed it last week.

I wonder when the people’s daughter, son and grandson upstairs are gonna move out. Their footsteps are obnoxious. Drunkie downstairs would just love it.

This morning, shortly before 8:30 I heard the bitch next door go out for work and I called her to make her run back inside, then hung up. She probably thinks she just got to the phone too late and will be wondering all day who it could’ve been.

Well, tonight is when Ma calls so I’ll postpone my shower till after she calls. Tammy has to get back to me, too.

Later...

The phone rang, I picked it up and said, “Hi ma.”

The reply was, “Wrong. It’s Elizabeth.” She was laughing and said she certainly wasn’t expecting that. She says she’s got no work for me this week but next Tues. she thinks she does.

I also told her I was apprehensive about being the office manager but says she’ll hang around at first till I get the hang of it. Also, Cheryl will be there. She said they’ll make sure I know what to do and that I’m enjoying it or else I can do something else. I told her that I’m sure I’ll enjoy it and that once I get started it’ll be easy.

I just remembered Andy’s calling tonight too, along with Nervous, as usual. He’ll never fail to forget to call.

Later...

Dad just called. He sounds good. I told him what I wanted but I guess they’re sending me money instead.

I discussed the progress I’ve been making on my piano and told him the two things that were the most shocking. One, my getting the voice to sing and two, their being on my side.

I told him I pictured him being part of an interview someday where a guy says to my father, “She says she’s so glad she has enough money now so she can take you out to dinner.” I can just see the expression on my father’s face. Dad said it’ll come in time. He seems so sure of me.

Later...

Tammy just called. No one can give me a ride to Salem! I gotta go with Nervous! Shit! Damn! Fuck! Why do I always end up having to use that low-life scum? He’ll never shut up. He’ll get us killed or his car will break down. Well, just think, soon I’ll be moved and I’ll be through with him.

Andy better not call me when I’m sleeping or else!

Yesterday I had a long day at Channel 57. I canceled my check-up so I could work longer but will reschedule after Turkey Day for sure.

Andy called and told me not to think he died but that he’s had company all weekend. A bunch of relatives are coming to see his sister and her baby. So he won’t be calling me till Monday.

Tammy also called to say that she wants me to get a ride down to her place on December 3rd for a Chanukah dinner, then stay overnight and celebrate my b-day the next day which will be a Sunday.

How? I don’t know if Philip will be able to get me down there. I’ll never ask Nervous but Tammy said to just use him for the ride and she’ll send him right back home afterward. I never want to have to use him to drive me anywhere and take the chance of getting killed or his car breaking down and I couldn’t stand to put up with him that long. He’ll never shut up and he’s a little pushy bastard!

She says she doesn’t know if Mom and Dad are even coming home this winter for the holidays and the store. She says she hasn’t heard one way or the other. It doesn’t look like they’ll be coming back until April. But then again, I thought I remembered Dad saying they would be here one time in the van as he was bringing me home from somewhere. Every other winter they’ve come in.

I changed the bedroom around to the way it was before I discovered this spider nest.

I fell asleep very early last night but kept waking up for 3 reasons. One is that the phone kept ringing. Two is cuz I kept having to pee after taking my water pill. Three is I kept having these weird dreams.

Last night I had this really weird dream about Nervous. Apparently, in this dream, I owned my own home which had a basement and a first floor. I was in the basement which was a long room lined with small windows along a wall that was a little over my head. I was going through some old clothes when I heard a car and said to myself, That’s Nervous’s car. I know it is.

I turned off all the lights and stood behind some furniture in the center of the room and waited. Sure enough, I heard him shuffling through the grass and saw him walk up to the farthest window at the very end of the room where my stereo was. He just stood there and waited, no doubt hoping I’d come down to listen to my stereo.

Next thing I know he was in the cellar with me, the lights were on, and I was telling him I heard his car and saw him walk up to the window. He stood there laughing. Then there was a double-size bed near the stereo and I was lying on it starting to feel very sleepy and he was sitting on the other side of it. All of a sudden he had his arms around me and asked, “Is this wrong?”

I got up off the bed and said, “Yes, this is wrong. You sleep here and I’ll go upstairs to sleep in my bedroom. When you get up in the morning, wake me up and I’ll let you out.”

But then he started to get up off the bed and follow me and said, “Let’s talk.”

Then the phone rang and I said, “Who the fuck is that at this hour? You answer it.”

Later...

I called Dee to see if she could do my hair, and she said to come in at 11:00. I want it trimmed so that it’s one length, although I don’t think I look really terrible with my short hair layered. Maybe if I grew my hair long again I’d look too much like a little girl. I know I’ll definitely keep the front short with layered bangs, but I guess I do really miss my length and it’s gonna take me about 5 years to get it even and to the middle of my back.

I was thinking I may walk up to Shopper’s for my Femstat and have breakfast at the deli next door.

Later...

I just had my hair evened out and it looks really nice. I also bought this shampoo which she used to make my hair really soft.

I was also up at the deli where I got eggs and toast and some coffee. Tony, the cop I know, was there and as usual, he teased my ass like crazy.

Elizabeth is coming over tonight with envelopes for me to stuff.

I told Nervous last night to call me around 8:00 so he can take me food shopping.

I’ve got to tell Nervo about the dream I had last night. He should definitely get a kick out of it. Probably wish it could be true, too. Getting his arms around me, staying overnight.

I bought some more clothes from Goodwill. A bra, two pairs of sweatpants, pajamas and another nightie, which is so tiny and fits me perfectly.

By the way, speaking of the weight I lost, even Tony noticed it too. It’s a little scary in a way, though, cuz every summer I automatically lose 10-15 pounds. This summer I certainly can’t afford to lose one more pound! I’d be bones.

Mary Lou just called saying I needed to see Dr. Osborne Monday at 3:00 cuz I never saw Dr. Moshiri. That means I can’t see her and that sucks.

Also, I’m gonna write to Medicare about their crazy policy that the therapists can’t come to our homes. We have to go there which sucks cuz not everyone has a car and it’s not easy for the therapists either.

I just finished having a whole can of sardines, 10 pieces of bacon and a bagel with cream cheese.

Right now I must go call Elizabeth and ask her to please try to bring my paperwork earlier.

Later...

Tomorrow at 9:00 I have to go to Channel 57 to do the work I was supposed to do here at home. Elizabeth says she was having trouble with her printing machine. Also, Channel 57 voted me volunteer of the month, therefore I’m to have my picture in their magazine with a few paragraphs about me.

Tomorrow I also have to get a dental check-up at the Holyoke Mall. I would never ask Nervous to drive me with the sick way he drives, nor could I stand to have to put up with him that long.

Nervo may be calling soon. I don’t need or want him to take me to Food Mart.

I wonder where Sasha is. Must be hiding out sleeping either under the bed or under the couch or chairs in the living room. 95% of the time, though, she’s on the bed.

If I don’t get to sleep I’ll never make it to my appointment in the morning. Also, at 2:30 I have to see a GYN. A male. I hate these painful exams!

There are so many things up in the air right now and so many questions. What will happen in court? What will happen with the dating service? What’s my future gonna be? What’s gonna happen if no other medication but the Navane will work?

Later...

Well, Nervous called me at 7:30 but I fell back asleep so I missed my appointment. I rescheduled it for Dec. 1st.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be going to Food Mart. I’ve been out of soda and milk and want to get some TV dinners. Also, I should get some light bulbs cuz I have no more and if the lamp in the bedroom burns out, then I’m stuck.

This afternoon at 2:30 I’m definitely going to my GYN appointment to take care of this yeast infection. I’ll walk there. They’re not too far from here. I’ll probably leave between 1:45 and 2:00.

I wonder if that gay taxi driver, Linda, is gonna call today? I never know if Maria will ever call. Why can’t she just be honest? Why she ever gave me her phone number totally baffles me. It even shocked Andy. Andy says Maria hasn’t even called Bev.

I’ve got a package of bacon in the refrigerator that I think I’m gonna go make up now, along with a bagel for breakfast.

Later...

Believe it or not, I just got a call from the school department. This woman wants me to come in for an interview for volunteer work. She says she’s not in need of an interpreter but would like to discuss the possibility of me doing something else. That’d be great. It’ll keep me busy. I hope. I hope it’s full-time. I’m going crazy just sitting here every day going nowhere but to doctors and doing errands.

I spoke to Mary C also. She was watching a movie on HBO and says her son William is sick and she just brought him home from the doctor’s.

She said she may take a drive over later. Yeah, sure. She damn well better plan on giving me back my black sweatpants she took the last time I saw her. Either way, she is going to return them and never again will she be allowed to borrow one single thing.

I think now I’m gonna take a walk to the store. I’m dying for some soda.

Later...

I took a bath and shaved, then I ran to the store for some soda and a hamburger.

In a little more than a half-hour from now, I’m gonna start walking over to Ridgewood Terrace for the crotch doctor which I dread. Another male touching my body. It’s so painful, too.

The mailman just came, but not with Gloria’s records I ordered, so I sent them back.

Some stupid Puerto Rican is outside honking its horn as usual. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. After growing up in beautiful areas, I miss it, and it’s time to move. That is for sure. When I move I won’t have to worry about leaving my doors open or anything. I highly doubt I will associate with Nervous when I move. I won’t need him and it wouldn’t be the greatest idea for him or for me. He’ll always be lonely with no woman and no friends and when I move, or possibly before, maybe he’ll realize why. He’s such a sad case. Que lastima.

Later...

I am at the doctor’s office now and the secretary seems kind and reassuring but I still hate to go through this shit.

It’s almost 3:00 but the doctor is running late as usual. Aren’t all doctors always late?

Mrs. Witherspoon from the 4th floor drove me here. I called for a taxi but it never came and the dispatcher couldn’t page Linda.

Later...

Well, the exam went ok and yes, as usual, I do have a yeast infection.

The dispatcher could never page Linda the gay driver so I got a different driver to go home. It cost me $2.

It seemed so dark all day. Even at 2:00. It’s not even 5:00 and it’s already just about pitch dark.

I hope Elizabeth will be willing to meet me at Montpelier St. tomorrow night a little earlier when she brings to me those envelopes she wants me to stuff. She’ll never be able to see me nor I see her if it’s too dark.

I hope Nervous calls soon. I do want to go to Food Mart. Never would I ask him to take me anywhere during the daytime. That’s when he’s always in his fucked-up mood and is so agitated and acts and talks like a two-year-old. I wonder why the daytime makes him more nervous. Several mornings ago he was extremely wound up but I’m quite sure that was cuz Fran had spent the night which he’s been dying to do. The first question out of his mouth when he called was, “Is monkey brain still there?”

I wouldn’t put it past him to come down to Norwich and say, “My car broke down. Can I stay the night?”

He’ll never get to stay the night, and if he comes to see me against my wishes I’ll kick his ass.

Nervous brought Sasha back last night. I really missed her although I never thought I would. I just hope the inspector doesn’t decide to double-check. Unfortunately, Carabetta allows no pets. Which is stupid. What if they were animals? Would they like to be homeless and out on the streets?

Also last night, Andy came over to teach me more songs. I’ve learned Talk To Me completely now and he also showed me some of If I Were You. I know Sara completely but need to finish learning La Isla Bonita. I attempted today to learn the song Piano Man by myself from an old book I’ve had for ages but it sure isn’t easy. I’m sure I’ll get it someday soon, though.

Today Andy called, but the answering machine picked up his call cuz I was in the shower. I knew it was him right away by the way he was singing at the top of his lungs. He and I both are crazy.

Nervous will no doubt call later.

Today I went to see my new therapist Mary Lou. She was ok. Nothing bad, but nothing spectacular. I ran my mouth quite a bit to her and she says I’m interesting.

Also today I was looking to buy a denim mini skirt, size 14 in girls, but they didn’t have a fitting room so I never bought it.

Before going to see Mary Lou I had a few minutes to kill so I looked in Falcetti’s for a music book, but I didn’t like the way this Madonna book was written and they have a shitty music selection, so I bought nothing there either.

I’ve been tired all day and I think I need to go eat now.

Later...

Nervous called. He didn’t have much to say. Just the usual about how he’s so busy running around here, there and everywhere. According to him, he was looking in a music store in the Eastfield Mall where they sell Yamaha keyboards. I wonder why cuz I told him to forget about that and instead just give me $100 for my birthday and Chanukah so I can pay for my dating service. Both would be nice, but that’s a little too much to ask for and that’d surely leave him broke and he’d end up evicted again.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I have an appointment with my asthma doctor in which I’m gonna have a taxi driver, who’s gay, that I met over the phone drive me cuz there’s no bus stop near their new office. I’m curious to see what she looks like. Probably butchy. She sounds like it just from talking to her over the phone. She’s had a girlfriend for 5 years she said.

Yesterday morning I called Maria at the bank where she works cuz I couldn’t get a hold of her for quite a while, and as usual, she hasn’t called me. I can’t believe she ever even gave me her phone number. Neither can Andy. Well, anyway, she says maybe sometime this week we can go see a movie. Yeah, sure! Why can’t she just be honest?

Later...

I just got off the phone with Nervous and right now I’m on the phone with Andy.

Emily really pisses me off. She never calls and therefore I’ll be damned if I’m ever gonna call her again. She’s busy, she’s tired. That’s a lie. She’s got time for other people and places. Like her friends Maria and Sylvia. She totally ignored me when I went to see her up at Shopper’s. Especially when Sylvia came in, as I may’ve mentioned before. I’m not even gonna say goodbye when I move.

I called the dating service and she really reassured me, although there are no guarantees, but time will tell.

Friday I got a promotion from Channel 57. Instead of answering phones I’m gonna be the office manager. My job will be to help other girls with any problems they may have, tally up pledges and enter them into a book.

Wednesday of next week, Elizabeth is gonna bring over some envelopes to stuff.

Unfortunately, everything’s closed today but I’ll be going up to Shopper’s Drug today to see Emily.

Earlier this morning I scrubbed the kitchen floor 3 times as it was filthier than filthy, sang a little, and I hope to hell the inspector comes tomorrow and that Nervous calls so he can bring the cat back.

Am I very sorry I reunited as friends with Nervo! He’s his same old self. Pitiful. The way he drove to New Britain scared the shit out of me and he got us lost as usual after saying he knew where to go. I think maybe he did that deliberately, hoping they’d tell me it was too late whenever I got there and to come back another time. That way he could spend the day with me again.

He freaked out yesterday morning on the phone no doubt cuz Fran was here overnight, and after I get Sasha back I don’t want to associate with him again. I have learned my lesson. It took some time but he is a male and that’s the way they all are. Sick.

Later...

I went up to see Emily and I want nothing more to do with her either. She totally ignored me but when her pal Sylvia came in she jumped for joy. She’s totally abandoned our friendship. Ever since last year. But she has other friends she sees and calls all the time but she never calls me. Maybe she’ll get the hint when she never receives any more phone calls from me.

Believe it or not, I just got Mary C’s number. Yes, she’s still married to John and says she’s got 8 more weeks and 6 days till she has another baby. She says it’s John’s but told me a long time ago he couldn’t make anymore cuz he had a vasectomy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t by cheating. She’s cheated on him numerous times in the past. That’s why it surprised me when they got married.

Last night I took that medication again that Dr. Moshiri gave me and once again it put me right to sleep at 10:00. At 2:00 Andy called and I stayed up to reverse my schedule cuz yesterday I slept all day and never went to Channel 57. Today I have to go at 10:00, then at noon, I’m going to New Britain to that dating service. I have to be there at 1:00. But I couldn’t believe how that medication really calmed me down and took away all my anxiety.

Right now I have the hiccups.

Nervous bought me corrective tape cuz I typed him a business letter so I could easily erase any mistakes I made.

Yesterday morning I tried to call my sister but her line was busy for ages. I may call her tonight to tell her about today’s trip, but then again I don’t think she gives a damn. Oh well.

I called the doctor about my vaginal problem explaining I didn’t ever plan to have a relationship again with a male and that I preferred women and he said I shouldn’t even bother to do anything about the problem. He said not to force myself to do or be what I can’t. Do whatever’s natural for me and that’s being gay. I could never be straight and feel comfortable physically or mentally. Never. He’s right. He’s definitely got a point although I’d feel happier knowing that my problem was taken care of and it would surely help with everything else with a woman.

Nervous said he ran into Mary C and that she’s pregnant again. I’m not surprised, but it can’t be by John cuz she told me he supposedly had a vasectomy done. She’ll never make it with him cuz she has always cheated on him before, during and after their marriage and he’s a jerk. I never got her phone number but I don’t want it. She was never a friend. She only came over here when she wanted something.

I wish I could sleep now till 8:00 or 8:30 but I won’t chance it cuz I may never wake up and I must go to Channel 57!

Later...

I did stay up all night and right now I am at Channel 57 waiting for my boss Elizabeth who is still in a meeting.

After my work is done, and I sure as hell hope I get done before noon, I am going to New Britain.

Well, I am really very tired but I’d best ignore it cuz I have a long day ahead. I know I want to get something to eat either before my interview or right after. I’m starving! I’m so nerved up, too.

Andy says he’ll call me tonight and that he’ll be anxious to hear about how today will go. I’m quite curious myself about what will develop. Maybe not much. I think I’m dreaming an impossible dream which is something I seem to have done all my life and probably always will. All I get are jerks. Never can attract or hang onto the decent people.

I still don’t like the idea of spending the day with Nervioso. He’s a pain in the ass.

Later...

Sure enough, Nervous’s car did break down so he got a rental car and we are now heading for New Britain so my handwriting is awfully shaky.

Later...

Well, this place I went to definitely doesn’t seem like a rip-off but it is costly! $295, but to me, it’s worth it cuz as she agreed with me if you go to a bar all you’ll get is druggies and drunks who want one-night stands and may have aids. Also, I could put an ad in the Advocate for $35 and never know what I’m getting.

I filled out a personality questionnaire and discussed my hobbies, goals and interests and what attracts me sexually. All this info will be matched up with other woman’s info, and they will give me 3 people to meet that they feel are compatible with me.

I still have my fears and doubts, though. Will I ever find the right person? Someone who’ll attract me sexually like Gloria? If they’re the right person for me will they find me attractive? Will there be too many things wrong with the person? Will I get Miss Right and lose her cuz of my past or present problems?

Time will tell if this really is the answer or not. Another fear I have is what if the 3 women I meet are all wrong for me and I have to pay an additional $295 to meet 3 more? Can I cancel my membership when and if I find the right person? Will I have to pay a renewal fee? They weren’t very clear on all this.

I am now at the Laundromat.

I have a busy week. Tomorrow I see Mary Lou at 2:15. Wednesday I work for Channel 57. Thursday I go out of town to New Britain. And last but not least, Friday I see Dr. Moshiri, who I shall bitch out from head to toe.

Sometime this week I’d like to do some gift shopping for the family and also get my hair trimmed and basically just evened out.

Can’t wait till Mom calls tonight, I have lots to tell her.

Tomorrow morning I’m going to do laundry at Nervous’s rooming house. I told him to go get his breakfast while I’m doing it so he doesn’t bug me. He said ok.

Andy’s sister Marla flew in tonight from California with her 4-month-old son, so Andy was psyched.

I wonder when the hell I’ll ever move. Yes, I’ll miss people here in Springfield, but I really do want to hurry up and move so I can be near my sister and nieces. I sure hope I’m able to get a lucky break in music somehow, someway, with or without Tammy’s help.

I’ve got to get a much more positive attitude. I can’t give up my singing even if Tammy continues to think I’m hopeless or if I have a few failures. Being too negative so much is going to get me nowhere. It’s what I’ve always wanted. It’s time to be a doer, not a dreamer. It’s soon or never. I won’t settle for anything else. I love to sing and now have a voice I never thought I’d ever have.

I also really want to improve my piano, guitar and Spanish by studying more and practicing my ass off. No more being so lazy.

Nervous said he’s looking for a portable organ like Andy’s which I love to death, but it may be just too expensive and I surely don’t want to see him get evicted again. I’m dying for one, though.

I was supposed to call yesterday for an appointment today to have gotten my hair evened out but now I’ll have to wait till Tuesday. They’re closed Sundays and Mondays.

Monday night is when Ma calls. Also Monday I’ll have to call La Baron. They sent me a bill for $1,068 and I’m not paying a dime. They never should’ve let me into school without approving my application for financial aid first. I’ll also call the people I filled out the application with. They’re also responsible. She was supposed to have contacted me and it looks like I may have to take them to court and hopefully sue them for the $561 that I paid to get into Mansfield for my manicuring course. They should definitely pay me.

Also, Nervous is taking me to New Britain, CT to a service for gay women to meet other gay women. I just hope his car doesn’t break down in the middle of the highway or I’ll die.

Later...

I am still wide awake. I just did some reading and before that, I played my keyboard and guitar.

I ordered Gloria’s two Spanish albums Rio and Otra Vez.

Today, if I don’t sleep all day, I’m gonna do laundry, but if I do, I can always do it later on tonight.

I called Fran’s old foster father and left a message for him to call me. I haven’t seen him in ages. Why is it that he only comes to visit once in a lifetime? Last time was when he bought the TV from me.

Rather than go to Johnson’s, maybe I should go to McCrory’s in the Eastfield Mall across from my mom’s store. It’s bigger, better and much cheaper and they have everything. I’m almost positive I’d find some really nice things there for the kids and some nice things for everyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if I should call about getting my vaginismus cured cuz it would make me happy and maybe it’s just a waste of time being gay, even if it’s not a choice.

I’m cooking a piece of lamb. Actually, before that, I just walked in. I had been out with Andy.

I slept all day today and never got my laundry done. Never called Channel 57 or mailed this letter I wrote to someone, but Nervous is mailing it. He was over earlier and we had a nice chat.

Before 6:00 Cecelia came over. We had a nice chat too in ASL and I did tell her I was moving. She said hopefully she could come to visit me.

Anna next door woke me up at 2:00 this afternoon to ask me about a phone call she got very early this morning from some girl who knew her name was Anna, and I guess used my name, by asking her if she knew me, but Anna hung up saying, “I don’t know who you are.”

I know nothing about it, I told her.

I spoke to Nervous today who may know of someone to take Sasha. Also, I spoke to Andy who should be calling any second.

Earlier I fell asleep and dreamt that my mother sent me puppies in the mail. Weird, huh?

The stupid males in court today want desperately to waste my time and so this case is being brought before a jury of 6 and then possibly to trial. Either way, I’m sure it’ll be dismissed and by the time the final court date comes up I’ll be moved and they can have a default warrant out for me for the rest of my life, cuz what are my chances of being picked up if I were to come to Springfield for a day or two? None. And how many cops know me by face and name? Maybe 3 cops, and it’s very unlikely that we’ll run into each other.

Today I also confronted Pig Corcoran, or whatever the fuck his name really is, with the sexually harassing phone calls I got and asked him if he knew anything about it and he said no and that he wouldn’t do that. Yeah, sure. Quite a coincidence, don’t you think? I know it was him or somebody he put up to it.

I called that gay dating service for women, and according to them, their nearest offices are either Framingham, MA or New Britain, CT. No way to get there by bus or by anyone else. Tammy says they’re a total rip-off. She said she went through a Jewish dating service to find Bill cuz she wanted her children raised as Jews. But to me what you are is what you are, and I don’t believe in that or religion. People are people are people.

Tammy said to place an ad in the personals section of the Advocate but to get a PO box address. I may someday if nothing else works.

Guess what? This will come as a surprise to you as it did to me but I called Maria at work explaining that I knew and realized that I did wrong, and wanted her to understand and to feel free to confront me with any problems rather than to be scared and run away, and that once the problem is discussed, I would never make the same mistake again. I try not to anyway. So she said it was that I was too forward and scared her away and I then explained to her that when you’re alone so much and you get an opportunity to talk, you talk. I said that maybe I threw up my past in her face out of fear and that rather than be too shy I was trying to make friendly conversation for our first visit, and I also didn’t want to seem rude by ignoring her questions. She did seem to understand fully and mentioned my trusting her enough the first time we met to take her home with me and I said that I learned to tell the good ones from the bad ones and told her about Mary D, who attempted to attack me for prank calling her. She said that was awful and seemed to understand why I crawled into this little shell.

The sicko (Mary) came over for her record and started trashing the place before she turned on me, knocked me down, then ran.

I also told her what I heard about Bev and that I heard she wanted Bev, and she denied it, saying her lips were sealed and she wouldn’t repeat any of it to Bev. I told this to Andy who got pissed at me fearing there was a good 98% chance that Maria would definitely go to Bev and that Bev would go to Andy all pissed off. I did not realize at the time that what I said could be harmful but to me, it is a test of trust and honesty.

Maria told me that she doesn’t have many friends herself and sometimes needs someone to talk to and would like to go to the movies or the mall and that when I called her at work upset about the barrette she was about to apologize and explain why she couldn’t come over, but I didn’t give her a chance and hung up, assuming she didn’t care, and I explained she was right cuz of past experience.

Andy, however, does believe that she wants Bev and that she put a hickey on Bev’s neck, though Maria denied it, saying she didn’t know Bev well, didn’t see much of her and has only known her for 6 months. Well, time will tell whether she’s a liar or she is honest.

The thing she did that really shocked me the most was give me her phone number. I told her I was so sorry for calling her at work, her place of business and she said not to worry about it at all and that if I had a problem to call her at work or home. She told me she usually gets home after 6 PM on weekdays. I certainly am not going to bug her or burden her in any way but in the long run, I still believe this will never be a sexual relationship and that she is still young and unaware of her sexuality. Bev, boyfriend, or not, she just wants to be strictly friends and that’s ok. Better than nothing.

I’ve been up all night cuz I was afraid to go to sleep and not hear the alarm in time to go to court today for the little macho bully male pig.

I slept all night yesterday plus all day due to that fucking medication the shrink gave me.

I’m reading a book about people with sexual dysfunctions who go into therapy and use sex surrogates to cure their problems and I have decided to seek help for the problem I have where it’s too painful for a male to penetrate me which I read is called vaginismus caused by an obstruction or the walls of the vagina involuntarily tightening. I believe it would make me happier to solve the problem, and yes, I do sometimes wish I were straight and could marry a great guy and have a baby but it all goes back to my not being attracted to men. Yet I’d probably get an ugly female and I still believe that male or female I’d only get an asshole, and 98% of the males are assholes, so it’s mostly women that have assholes or are going to get them, not just me.

I know they don’t use sex surrogates here in Springfield. Most places don’t cuz they consider it prostitution, although I think in some cases, such as mine, it’s very helpful. I hope they can help me by just talking to me, but if I’m stupid enough to fall for a male, what if they rape me or beat me or steal from me or are like Ron, Nervous or Al? That’s all I get. What if I got another woman like Mary? I’ll never get a woman like Gloria. Never.

But I also decided that today I just might call that dating service for gay women called Woman To Woman. I hope I can afford it and if they give me a decent woman and I lose her or they give me a jerk, I want my money back.

I fell asleep last night right after I finished writing and got up today at 11:00, then went to the Eastfield Mall with Andy. I bought a slice of mushroom pizza and a slice of cheese pizza for Andy, cuz he bought me pizza when he came over the last time.

Before we went to the mall, we went to Main St. Records, and the guy there gave me $5 for some records I sold him.

We once again ran into Bill F at the mall. We had run into him before at the Holyoke Mall. I met him when I was in a foster home.

After we were done I had Andy drop me off at Store 24 where I bought milk, bread and a few other things to hold me over till I go to Food Mart Tuesday with Phil. Thank God I have plenty of cigarettes till I get paid cuz all I have left is a few dollars.

Monday I’ll get my $50 back after I identify Nellie on film after she swiped a check from me, the motherfucker! How dumb of me to trust her!

I see that internist at 11:15. I just got my Medicaid card in the mail today. After those things are done on Monday, I definitely need to try to catch up with my lawyer.

Tuesday, besides grocery shopping, I see my new therapist Mary Lou. I wonder how that will go and how she is. Probably ugly. I always get ugly therapists. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s harder to sit and talk to such an ugly face for nearly an hour as it would be a pretty one.

I’m just so sick of having to start over and over again with my life story to so many different people. Hopefully, she’ll be the last till I move. And I hope the shrink creates a miracle and solves my medication problems.

I’m really getting impatient about moving. I want to hurry up and get it over with. But I still don’t want to leave Andy behind. I was thinking of making him a medley of Stevie Nicks songs which is his favorite, but he says I don’t have to and that all he really wants for Chanukah is my friendship. Good enough.

I want to spend as much time as I can with my nieces when I move. And yes, Tammy too. I love being hyper and driving Tammy nuts. It’s funny. I can’t wait till Lisa gets older to teach her sign language, guitar and organ but I won’t get my hopes up too high about teaching her to sing cuz not many can or do or want to.

There’s a long time before Becky gets older. She’s so cute though. She does look like Bill and nothing like Tammy, although as I got older I came to look more and more like her in the mouth, but not the eyes. My eyes are bigger and gray-green. Tammy’s are brown-green. Pretty color, but not as big as mine. I wish mine were small and dark cuz it’s those big eyes that make me look so much like a little girl. My mouth is too small. Wish I had full lips.

Later...

I am totally bored right now waiting for Andy to call. I wonder where the hell Fran’s been, and I miss talking to Nervous.

I should’ve bought stamps today to mail my mail, and tomorrow Saratoga Drug is closed so I’ll take a walk up to Shoppers. It’ll give me something to do. The only problem with that is Emily’s gonna be there, and I just left a message on her machine saying goodbye, I’m moving, good luck with life and school. I did it cuz I’m so pissed at her for abandoning our friendship. If she asks, I wonder if I should just tell her the truth, although I’m sure it won’t do me any good. She’ll just argue and say she’s been busy and tired, but to me, that’s no excuse. She could at least make the time to call me if she truly cared.

I definitely have given up hope for a relationship. There’s just no such thing as the kind I want. Even if there were, they can’t live with me and I certainly can’t just pack up and live with them. I’d never move in with anyone cuz if things didn’t work out I’d have no place to go and if they lived with me and I kicked them out they’d either duplicate the keys or steal from me or try to beat me up or keep coming over and harassing me or calling me on the phone.

I was thinking of looking into a gay dating service I read about, figuring I could say to them, this is what I want in a woman and this is what I don’t want, but no way. I’m not paying money I don’t have for an asshole, and if I got someone decent, would they be attractive at all to me?

Later...

Believe it or not, Emily just called and we had a great talk. I can understand her and how and why she’s been so busy. In the end, it’ll be well worth it and she won’t need a subsidy. The poor woman’s been working her ass off like crazy that she’s got no time for herself either. I’m gonna miss her so much when I move but it’s nice to know that if I want to come into Springfield to visit, I’ve got a place to stay.

I explained to my shrink how frustrated I was about how the other medication affected me. He said he understood and is giving me something else. It looks like I’ll end up having to take something addictive in the long run. I guess that’s better than taking something dangerous and even he says I’ll probably need something for quite a while longer.

Well, we’re just about coming into November which means I’ll have to do some Chanukah shopping this month. I wish I had the money to buy everyone something nice, but no, of course not. Chanukah falls on my b-day this year which sucks.

This month I’ve also got to give Philip $15 for the stereo.

Later...

Next month will be a busy month with the pledge drive starting on the 28th for Channel 57. Also, the usual errands, groceries, laundry, appointments, and court.

I wonder when Mom and Dad will fly in. Or rather drive in. Probably at the tail end of November.

I notice that when I was younger I used to write just like my sister but now I write almost like my mom. I haven’t done my calligraphy for quite some time now cuz it’s so much easier and quicker to write like this.

Next month I think I may do my gift shopping at Johnson’s Bookstore. They have so many cute gifts there and also I’d like to buy 3 or 4 journals (books with lined paper like this). This is my fourth one (journal) but the first and the third ones were a rip-off cuz there are much fewer pages in them at the price of $8 whereas this one and the second one have lots of pages for only $5 and they’re so much prettier too. Yes, I’ll go to Johnson’s. They’ve got everything at excellent prices. I’d shop tomorrow at McCrory’s in the Eastfield Mall but I’ll have no money until next Tuesday. Andy and I are going there tomorrow. He needs to go to Sears.

Andy and I are such great friends and if it weren’t for him, God knows where I’d be or who I’d have to talk to. I’d be so lonely. Even up to this day he always says, “I’m so glad you made that prank call.” Yeah, that’s how we met up again, ha, ha, ha! I pranked him and he recognized my crazy laugh even after all these years.

Can you believe I was on the phone with Andy for almost 3 hours? Well, I was, but that’s typical of us. I had originally called him to say I wanted to go to bed and not to call, but he cheers me up and we have such interesting conversations. We never run out of things to say.

I’m really pissed at Emily. I mean, we were so close and we used to talk on the phone several times a day and visit each other a lot, and now it’s like I don’t even know her anymore. Not since I moved here and she started school and working like crazy. She won’t even make the time to be my friend anymore, and it’s sad cuz we had a good friendship. Oh well, it’s her loss, not mine.

I wonder when it will be time for me to move. After New Year’s? Before? When will I be going to Florida? When will I break into the music business? So many questions but no answers!

Today I finished my volunteer work at Channel 57, stuffing and addressing envelopes. She thought I did such a magnificent job that she took my name and number in case she needs me for anything else.

I’ve tried to get Nervous to call me by leaving messages with his mother, but he won’t call me. To tell you the truth, I miss him and I feel so guilty cuz in a lot of ways I was just as bad as he was. He was crazy at times and a real asshole, but I really used the hell out of him and that’s probably why he won’t call me. I miss the good times and our good talks, although there were also bad times that were not my fault. Maybe I’ll mail him a letter.

Later...

I did write Nervous a letter and will wait to see if he calls me.

Andy was supposed to call me over an hour ago but hasn’t yet, and I’m sure Emily’s not home.

If not tonight, cuz I’m just so exhausted, then definitely tomorrow night I’m gonna hit the Spanish books cuz I was doing so well with that.

Friday I see my new shrink who I’ll have to tell that the Pamelor doesn’t work and it made me dizzier than all hell whenever I stood up and that the Navane’s the only thing that’ll work. But how can I keep taking it with the tardive dyskinesia problem (involuntary muscle twitches, mainly in the face and neck)?

Debbie, the asshole that admitted to me she was in therapy only for the money did terminate me and my new therapist called and scheduled an appointment with me. Her name is Mary Lou.

I definitely should’ve kept the original appointment for January in court cuz I could’ve been moved by then and I would’ve skipped it. Males are such bullies. I mean, to arrest someone for a stupid phone call? See, I prank-called my old phone number and it turns out a cop has the number now. So I had to pay $15 to bail out a few hours later after sitting in a cell, alone, thank God. Oh, and after the cop threatened me. He said I threatened his mother in one of the calls and that I was lucky he didn’t know where I lived at the time. So it’s ok for him to threaten me, but it’s not ok for me to threaten anyone.

Coincidentally enough, I’ve been getting sexually harassing phone calls, and I know it’s either him or someone he knows. They think they’re so smart and so tough, them cops. And invincible.

But also, I’ve been getting calls for longer where they just hang up or stay on the phone for a few minutes. Could it be Nervous? I doubt he’d ever admit to it if it is. It doesn’t bother me, though.

Last night Andy came over and brought his picture collection of Charlie’s Angels. I was like - wow! He even had my favorite picture of all 3 in white shirts with a red background sitting at a table with a vase of red roses! I remembered every single picture and in such detail. He’ll only let me keep them for a week or two. Says he can’t get rid of them or give them to me.

I just finished singing to my stereo which Philip brought back this afternoon and it sounds great!

I am presently waiting for Andy to come over with some French bread pizza and pictures of Charlie’s Angels which I’m quite curious to see and see if I remember any of the pictures that I had years ago. No doubt I’ll recognize quite a few.

Also, I’m in the mood to make prank phone calls with him. I need a good laugh. Something to cheer me up and make me smile. I’ve been so bored today cuz I had to sit around all day and wait for the fucking inspector. But this inspector we have that comes around is very attractive. The kind I’d like to have.

I did some volunteer work today at Channel 57 and enjoyed it very much. I addressed envelopes which I must finish tomorrow, then stuff them with papers. Hopefully, it won’t take too long so I can call about apartments and see my lawyer about this new bullshit phone call case. I want to do some laundry too.

I’ve got to go try to call Andy, though he might be sleeping.

I still haven’t been feeling all that great with my nose all stuffed up and I’ve been getting very dizzy when I stand up quickly, and also, I still have these spells where I suddenly become feverish. Still not much of an appetite either. I am supposed to see an internist on the 31st but I lost my Medicaid card so hopefully, the new card will come early, or they’ll see me and let me bring my new card in as soon as I receive it in the mail.

Andy called and told me he told his mother we’re still friends and why. She knew about it when I first called his house, but she didn’t know we became friends. I guess she wasn’t thrilled with the idea at first simply because I’m Dureen O’s daughter.

He also had a talk with my mom, and he said that she said that I’ve got a sweet voice but that he shouldn’t encourage me to be a singer cuz she doesn’t feel I’ve got what it takes, and not to encourage me to live out my fantasies which are unhealthy. Andy said he disagreed 100%. Andy said if a person gave up all their dreams they’d be miserable.

My mother will never understand or accept me for the way I am. My dreams and fantasies are what keeps me happy and going. When you’re lonely you’ve got to fantasize that you’re special and someone’s here to love you as long as you can distinguish it from reality. And if I couldn’t face reality or be realistic then I don’t think I’d have survived for 3 years on my own all by myself. And when are they going to understand that just cuz I’d like to be a singer doesn’t mean I want to be famous? Not every singer has to be famous and I don’t think I’m ready or could handle fame for a long time.

I’m so pissed at Philip! My stereo is ready after being cleaned and I couldn’t reach him. What an asshole! See how irresponsible males are? Tomorrow’s Sunday so I can’t get it until next week.

Today’s not my day. Carabetta says that regardless of the doctor’s note, cats are not allowed and I need to get rid of her or they’ll evict me. I guess Tammy’s gonna take her and I also told Tammy that they’ll never allow me to keep her in Norwich so I asked her to keep Sasha permanently as a gift to all of the family from me.

I can’t have anything. No love. No money. No singing career. No animals. It seems things will never change and that this is the life that’s in the cards for me and that I am surely being punished.

So I smile and lie to myself and say, “Life will get better.”

Yeah, right!

Later...

I am starting this book the same day I finished the previous one about the awful day I’ve been having so far.

I’m so bored right now and later on, I should do more of a paint-by-number I’m doing for my nieces and I definitely should study my Spanish. It’s just that I’ve been so lazy to do anything but pace in and out of each room.

I’m desperately dying for romance and love but I know that’s not right or practical. To have a beautiful, kind, loving woman is fantasy, not reality. Sometimes I wish to God I was straight. I wish I could be attracted to a man the way I have been with women but they’re such jerks. Male or female, all I get are assholes. The good ones are either taken or just not interested in me. I’ve been so hurt so much in my life that if I got someone decent I’d probably scare them away. Decent or not I know I’ll never have someone I’m sexually attracted to, male or female. It’s only once in a lifetime I’m attracted to someone and it’s always someone I can’t have. Guess I have to settle for second best all my life. An ugly jerk. I wish I could stop my mind and body from crying out so desperately for love. I wish I could just be happy being alone all my life. It would give me such pride to be able to say I made it through life alone. To be independent. To support my own self. It would be great and that way no one could ever hurt me or say I hurt them.