I knew there was something about today’s date that bugged me till it hit me - today’s the day back in 1981 that I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat where I stayed prisoner till December 17th. God, it’s been 18 years! It’s funny how my mother could finally admit in the end that Brattleboro was a mistake, but not Valleyhead. Yet Valleyhead was much worse.

Let me update next door before I get into our exciting but hot trip out yesterday.

Shortly after my last entry regarding the freeloaders, in the early evening, we were up to 4 vehicles over there. The white pickup, the blue pickup, the silver car, and even the van. There was no music, but we were both suddenly surprised to see so many vehicles over there after it had been pretty mellow there for a while as far as that goes. The van ended up staying there overnight, but I don’t think the silver car has stayed there the last two nights. Last night it was just the white pickup as far as I know, although the blue pickup was visiting. Right now the white pickup and the silver car are here.

The city was next door again yesterday, and again, the pickup was on the street to make it look like it didn’t live here. Anyway, I think they were up on their roof again.

I’m kind of surprised Tammy hasn’t kept calling since that message she left about wanting to work things out.

I’m not surprised, though, that Andy didn’t leave a message during the weekend. He seems to be making sure to leave messages only every other weekend.

Before we left we used that kick-ass, smelly primer that really seals and boy does it ever! Yes, we definitely should’ve used it to begin with. We then switched to the cooler to vent the fumes. Before leaving, I put bowls of ice in the animal’s cages, even though I knew they’d be OK and that they’re more tolerant of humidity and temperature changes than people are. Dogs are left out in 115º weather.

I was in and out of Mel’s quickly. Just 27 more days of these braces! The only thing that can delay the braces from coming off (since my two front teeth are moving back after all, and she didn’t say there’d be a problem) would be if I couldn’t make it or if the doctor decided to play musical appointments on me.

Mel said she liked my hair better this way cuz it was spunky (some of my curl has come back).

On my way out I told Tisha I had wanted to wait till after the braces were off before I had my teeth cleaned, which are now due to be cleaned, but she said I didn’t need to make an appointment for that because cleaning is part of the disbanding. Good. Then I can get both things done at once and all I’ll have to do is go back for retainer checks and fillings.

The ride to Mel’s and to the home dealers was very hot and humid. Although they said it was only to be 104º it felt like 115º. Naturally, Tom who’s a native and tolerant to heat was insisting it wasn’t that hot or that humid. Yeah, right! They gave me some water once I got to their offices, and Tom was laughing later on about how they thought I was going to pass out.

Leona was there and available to deal with us, which seemed to take forever. We had a zillion forms to sign.

There were two disappointments, as far as we were concerned. One was that the washer and dryer weren’t included in the house. They could order it, which they did, but it’d be on a separate delivery. Not with the house like the carpet and the dishwasher will be.

Also, she made it sound like it’d take more like 3 months to get into the house rather than 2. Tom says it’s unlikely we’ll have an apartment layover and I don’t vibe it. God, I hope not! (I told them they should think about having apartments just for people who do have layovers) Apartments in Arizona may be modern and cheaper, but they suck!! They’re so damn noisy. Kids are outside screaming constantly, and the walls are paper-thin. At least this time around, if we do get stuck in an apartment, I’ll have Tom with me and it’ll be for a very short time and I’ll have the fan, rather than a wimpy clock radio to sleep with. Having people next to you or below you can be just as bad as having people above you. You can still hear people’s doors and cabinets closing that are next to and below you, as well as people’s doors, cabinets, and footsteps above you. I know how it is to have someone who walks like an elephant living above you and to have one pissed-off butch next to you! Even if they’re not noisy, and aren’t deliberately trying to stomp around and slam shit, you can still hear them moving about just fine. A box fan should drown out the blowers and mowers they use every day, but a clock radio? Forget it! Just forget it. Remember, I should know.

There’s always the chance that we may not get approved for the loan, and if this does happen, we’ll have to drop this house, get our $1,000 back, and go somewhere else. Even though this model’s the best and the most original, it wouldn’t kill us to have to go to that place near here; the second place we went with that older lady. They had some really nice Cavco models, which wouldn’t be settling in any big way. Certainly not at all compared to this house and where we’ll be living.

We’ll be buying land within the next couple of weeks. We’d be pretty much done with the prep work if a certain somebody had kept up on the garage, but because there are mountains of junk in there, he’ll have to clear that out first. That’ll probably take longer than anything else we’ve got to do around here, like finishing the packing and the yard work. We still have to paint the trim and do a little bit of edging in the house.

Later...

Tom just got in and is in the bathroom now. He said the silver car is here. Fucking lazy assholes! Not only do the freeloaders that live here not work but neither do their associates. They’re all the same, I swear to God! Tom said he’s not sure if he’s gonna write to the mayor since he basically had intended to use the mayor if the house had problems selling which we’re sure it won’t and since it wouldn’t change anything. Sadly enough, there’s probably nothing that can be done to stop these lazy bums from using society to live off of, but I need to vent. It’ll make me feel good, nonetheless, just to write my frustrations to the city and that’s exactly what I intend to do once we’re moved.

Later...

Tom’s gone to bed.

The van’s gone now, and the silver car and the white pickup have been coming and going.

I was just in the old music room checking out how the primer did when an adult male yelled out something that startled the shit out of me. Fucking cock! The fucking adults can be just as loud as their many mistakes. The little Mexicans were working on the van that is in the carport, after all. Them and their fucking working on cars! I’ll bet they work on cars that don’t even need to be worked on. So what is this now? Three vehicles live there now? Anyway, those little lazy shitfucks really piss me off. You don’t know how hard it is to restrain myself from going over there and giving them a piece of my mind about their sick, rude, inconsiderate, lazy ways!!!! Makes me just want to beat the shit out of them! It’s no wonder so many people do beat the snot out of these people. How can they carry on the way they do and not expect to be hated? It’s one thing for someone to have a different lifestyle than I do, which is fine, but when it’s forced upon me and when I’m used, we’ve got a serious problem. If they want to yell and play music, they shouldn’t force it on others or use them to live off. If it weren’t for my promise to Tom, us moving, my having a record, and being a middle-class citizen who’s no longer on disability, I would be bashing their faces right into the brick wall of the house! Really, I’d take them by the nape of their necks and bash their fucking heads right into the bricks! Also, I could hear the faint strains of music, but only in the music room which I’m not in 99% of the time, and which was baseless. They better not be testing me, though, cuz if that music gets louder and bassier, they’re gonna get it!

How many years can they do this, though, and just bum around at the taxpayers’ expense? Aren’t there any laws and limitations? Can they really get away with this forever? I thought I heard something ages ago about how they were changing the welfare system and making it so people would only be on it temporarily till they could become financially independent, and would be cut off after a certain amount of time even if they remained unemployed.

I’m not done with yesterday’s outing, but let me just cover a few other things first.

I mailed Andy a copy of the floor plan of the house we’re getting, along with pictures of me before and after I cut my hair. I had Tom show copies to Mom and Mary, too.

I told Tom I don’t mind sex every other week, but my crotch does. If I do it too much or too little I get irritated down there, and once a week really suits me best these days. I thought it’d be best to just wait till after we’re moved and settled, but he said we could screw tomorrow. Why doesn’t the thought of that excite me? I mean, there’s just no looking forward to it at all. I guess it’s because I know what he’ll do. I know what his every move is gonna be. He’ll be on the side for a short time, and maybe he’ll go on top, although it’s doubtful on a Wednesday, and neither of us will cum. It’s like we mechanically go through the motions without feeling a damn thing. Although I know he has to get a little excited or else he wouldn’t get hard. I still can’t believe his resistance after all these years! Now that’s being determined and stubborn! Imagine all that excitement year after year which you don’t release? God! And he can’t always privately release it right away after we screw either, cuz he knows that’d be too obvious. Sometimes he does, though, in the bathroom or in bed alone. And all he would’ve had to do all along was insist we use birth control from the get-go, and he could’ve had fearless, fulfilling sex ever since, but like I said, I want him to be happy. Even if I still wanted a kid and could conceive, I’d give that up just so he could be happy and not feel like he had to change or be controlled, although I also think it’s his nature to have a low drive and low energy in bed.

Now here’s something that makes no sense whatsoever. He bitches to me that he doesn’t want me to say he won’t do whatever, then I don’t, and he still doesn’t do it. How can he expect me to take him at face value and assume he’ll do what he says he’s gonna do if he doesn’t? He still hasn’t ordered the CDs he said he was going to order, yet I never said he wouldn’t in the first place, so see? He even doesn’t do the things I don’t say he’s not going to do. He can’t blame his fears/procrastination on others. And he doesn’t want me saying he won’t do something he says he’s gonna do? Well, what does he expect? I guess it’s an obsession with him.

Anyway, we made the last-minute changes we wanted to make with Leona. I put back the carpet in the bathrooms, but still want the dining area in vinyl. We’re still not sure just where the edges of the vinyl will be since it’s an oddly shaped area. Meaning, the kitchen, dining area, living room, and den, are all kind of connected. We are getting a regular tub with a shower in it for the second bath, which comes with a pretty, decorative, lacy shower curtain that’s not really a shower curtain. It’s gathered at the side, and of course, it wouldn’t keep water out. At first I thought we better take the one we’re using here, but then I changed my mind upon realizing that it’d clash with the tulip wallpaper that’s going in there. So, I’m just gonna get a clear or a plain white shower curtain to use inside the decorative one. This bath has a skinny window that doesn’t open, but it’ll sure be nice to have natural light in there. Tom said he wasn’t too thrilled with the low sinks, though. I’m trying to get one of the sinks in the master bath omitted and shelves put in its place, but if I can’t, I can’t. In this bath, you have a sink in the southwest corner of the room from a doorway’s point of view. The tub’s in the northwest corner and next to it is another sink, then a tall skinny cabinet, then the toilet, then the shower stall in the southeast corner. I’m hoping to do away with the sink that’s to the left of the doorway and get another set of cabinets there. Then there’ll be even more space for sheets and bath accessories. Then it’ll just be a question of what things should go in which bath. Some things will be best in both baths. For example, I want both baths to have pails. The second bath only has space under its sink, but as Tom said, he can get a medicine cabinet for $30 if he really wants one and put it in himself.

Tom’s gonna do the cable and phone jacks himself after we’ve furnished the place. We did agree to their outrageous fee of $105 to wire the master bedroom, den, and my office for ceiling fans, but they don’t supply the fans. That’s OK, though, cuz we have 4 fans. We’re also gonna do our own awnings for the windows or whatever we want to stick on windows and doors. We got a 5-ton heat pump. Wow, that’s big. This one’s 3½.

Later...

Jesus Christ! There goes another vehicle I’ve never seen before pulling out of next door. I’ve lost track of how many vehicles have been in and out of there, but it’s got to be at least 25-30. It was a light tan-colored pickup. A newer smaller one than the cream-colored one with the rails that has been staying here lately. See? I was right when I said they’d not only not work and be loud assholes, but that they’d have a lot of “friends.” Assholes always know lots of assholes. It’s back again now. I know these people have something to do with drugs. They’re still doing their bullshit work on the van that Mexicans are notorious for. As long as I stay out of the old music room, which I have no need to go into but to put his clothes away after I wash them, I can’t hear their voices and their soft Mexican music. If their voices reach the living room and kitchen and if their music becomes their loud Mexican music, then they’ll be hearing from both me and the city, but definitely from me.

I suppose the blue pickup, which showed up here late afternoon yesterday, will be here to join the crowd any sec now.

Later...

I just might not finish yesterday’s outing today after all.

Andy’s been fired. I called his machine to see if he’d gotten the message I left earlier about yesterday’s outing which he did. If he was still working the hours he said he was, he wouldn’t have gotten the message yet. So, he’s already been fired, huh? I knew he’d make them fire him if they didn’t lay him off, but that could be the case instead. He could’ve been laid off.

Anyway, I finally got to pick out colors. There weren’t a zillion choices, but it was still fun, and having more choices may’ve made it all the harder to choose. The only thing I wasn’t too happy with was that there were only two floor choices. A wooden plank design, and white. I chose white but would have preferred soft pastel colors. Again, things show up against white, but at least it’s much more bright and cheerful than brown. And the deep dingy yellows, oranges, and browns that are in this flooring.

I don’t have a list of my choices, so I’ll list them according to memory. Out of the dumpy carpet they had, they had spruce, denim, and spice. I chose spice, a wine-red shade. The denim sample dot looked way too dark but when we saw it laid out in the model, it looked lighter, so I’m sure that this spice carpet won’t look as dark laid out, either.

I chose whitewash cabinets, and for the countertops, I chose a design that consists of a splattering of little speckles of two different shades of white. This was the only acceptable choice if you ask me. The rest were hideous.

I chose wallpaper for the kitchen and bathrooms of a faint tulip design.

Pompeii White was my choice for the vinyl walls which I couldn’t do wall art on even if I wanted to. It’s a totally different texture than drywall.

They had about 16 exterior colors in neutral, blue, and green shades. The body of the exterior of the house is going to be Scandinavian Blue (light blue) and the trim will be Everest White (bright white). The two roof choices were brown and white and I picked white.

The valances get a little complicated, but fun, like Leona said. You pick out a packet containing 3 designs. I chose the Catalina packet that contains a solid blue color, colorful flowers, and colorful lines crisscrossing one another. Blue is the predominant color in this packet which I think will go well with the spice carpet. I like contrasting colors. However, you don’t tell them where you want which design. They decide that and they also decide whether or not you get balloon-shaped valances, straight ones, or ones that are draped over a rod sagging in the middle with its ends hanging off to the sides. I think they’ll put the solid blue ones in the den and living room that are draped over the rod, flowers in the kitchen, master bath, master bedroom and retreat, and lines in the other bedrooms and bath. As Leona said, if we don’t like the way they do it, we can change them around or replace them. I want to get white blinds for all the windows except for the two bedroom windows. Those will get shades cuz they keep light out better. They may look funny with valances, though, so I may get long curtains for these windows. The master bath has two big windows too, but I can always shut the bathroom and retreat doors when I’m sleeping during the daytime if I want to keep light out.

Later...

No wonder the freeloaders were out and about working on the van (I think they’re done for now) and having company today. It was only 102º. In fact, I think this is the coolest day we’ve had in a while. The cooler it gets, the more they’re gonna be out. The less company they have, the better I feel. Even though there’s been no music and there doesn’t have to be any company for there to be music what with that stereo they’ve got in their living room, but it’s just better to have less of them around. The more of these Mexicans you throw together, the more trouble and noise can come of it.

Later...

Damn! Here we go again. Vehicle number God knows what has come and gone. An old dark red Grand Prix pulled in with two guys in it who didn’t get out of the car right away. Chester came walking up to the car a couple of minutes after they pulled in. Just as I was wondering if I was gonna see a drug transaction go down, the two guys got out of the car just as some guy was pulling up and exiting the silver car. The two guys in the red car then hugged the silver car guy, then all 4 guys, just kids between the ages of 18-22 or so, walked towards the house. Both cars are now gone but will be back any sec, of course. The van and the cream pickup are still here, though, but what is this? The weekend? Is something going on? Or is this just how they’ll always be when it’s under 105º? Is the blue pickup coming any sec, too? I just thank God the ranchero and white car have disappeared and I hope to hell it stays that way while we’re still here. I went out back before the silver and red car left, expecting to hear tons of screaming, but all I heard was soft, baseless Mexican music.

The silver car just returned. It looks like Chester’s arm is still a boo-boo. The driver got out carrying a beer. Drinking and driving, huh? Way to go, freeloaders! Way to go!

How many fucking people are living there?! There’s got to be at least 4-5 adults and 4-5 kids.

It’s still a 50/50 guess as to whether or not the city discussed my letter with them. I want to say yes, they did since there’s been no loud bassy music heard all throughout our house, but then I want to say no because it’s still overcrowded with a ton of vehicles coming and going and staying there overnight. As long as they keep their music out of this house, we’ll be OK. Even though there hasn’t been blasting music or a ton of door slamming, I wish they’d drop down to having just the van if they have to have a vehicle be there. All these vehicles get me all nervous.

Until the next slew of vehicles comes in, I’ll write more on the house.

We got to see the model again and it was so much bigger than we remembered it to be. It’s hard to tell from the floor plan layout, but the corner just outside the master bedroom is huge. Huge enough to hold a hutch full of dolls if I wanted. I had just thought of that idea right before Tom brought it up, too. Also, I was half wrong in saying the spare bedrooms were smaller than the music room. The music room is about 12x12, and all the spare bedrooms are 10x13. So it’s shorter one way, but longer the other way.

The front door has a small diamond-shaped window, and I forgot just how fancy those kitchen shelves were! They’re the cabinet tops, actually, which have pretty gold and wooden rails running along them. Plants would look great up there, but maybe my collector’s plates would too. I’m gonna have to get plate holders for them.

The pickup didn’t return till 2:40 yesterday, then it left again 20 minutes later. By that time, I had pretty much quit paying attention. Once again, as is the case 80% of the time, my vibes were right. As I’d sensed, there was no trouble. If the kids have been out after dark raising hell, I wouldn’t know it. I haven’t been up at that time lately and checking, but somehow I doubt they have been. There’s been no music, either. The pickup ought to be making its first trip out any sec now.

Later...

Tom’s at work now, as usual. I swear he’s there more than he’s here! Normally, he doesn’t go in till 7 PM on Sundays, but he had to go in at 6:00 this morning. There goes a whole day lost to prepping. I’m excited about going to sign the contract tomorrow after seeing Melanie, and he better be right about us getting out of here in 60 days no matter what! We’ve agreed to go as low as we have to till the house sells.

It’s a damn good thing I’m not like I used to be - horny and wanting a kid. We’re down to sex biweekly now. Thank God the vibrators are there for if I really feel the need to get off. It’s not that often that I get all that horny, but when I do, I find it’s easiest to just quickly get off and get it over with using the vibrators. This isn’t just because of Tom’s lack of availability, but also, although my husband is no dog, I just don’t have much lust for him. No, I don’t wish I could be with an attractive woman either, just with my imagination and fantasies, which I find to be more reliable and more of a turn-on. So I guess you could say I find it more appealing to be with an attractive woman in my mind and use either a vibrator or my hand, which I can depend on to please me the way I like to be pleased with no excuses or conditions. Like I said, I love Tom emotionally. I love him for him, not for his body.

Just washed my hair. God, it’s so easy and it dries in no time! I can’t believe this straighter hair, though. The last time it was this length it was really curly, then the curl straightened out a little as it got heavier with length. What I wonder is - since it’s wavy now, does that mean it’ll be only slightly wavy if I let it get as long as it was again? And will my sides quit growing at around waist-length like before and let the back keep going and going past it? Will it really be healthier and look better if I don’t dye it or straighten it? You never know. I thought my shortness of breath would go away with quitting smoking but it didn’t. Well, my hair sure as hell is healthier right now! It’s like silk from roots to ends, unlike before when it would go from silk to straw. It’s just too damn thick! Of course, there’s always the chance that it won’t grow back or will grow back much slower than before. Wasn’t it Kim who said something about cutting her hair when it was really long and not being able to grow it back? She’s had it down to the middle of her back, though, these last few years, so who knows?

Later...

I can’t believe we’re already up to 2:00 in the afternoon and the pickup hasn’t moved yet! That and no other vehicles have come or gone that I know of so far today.

Later...

And the weekend company has arrived. I knew they had to have some company, although I don’t know if this is company as opposed to Deb borrowing the blue/green pickup. All I heard was one car door and all I saw was her. She was pulling up a plastic bag from the back of the pickup. No music, though. What? Is she borrowing the gold car and now this pickup since the van’s not around? What’s wrong with her using the white pickup that’s been here since the van’s been gone?

Later...

At 4:30 Deb and 3 guys took off in the blue pickup and guess what’s here now? The white pickup that’s been here, the blue pickup, and the van. A couple of guys are leaving right now in the blue pickup. What? Do they feel the van’s been gone long enough to fool the city? Or did the absence of the van have nothing to do with the city letter?

Anyway, I’m a bit lonely now, what with having been up nearly 12 hours without Tom around. He left right before I got up. Sometimes I’m even lonely when he’s here and when I’m not alone. That’s because he spends so much of his time at home watching TV when he’s awake. I try not to bother him and I try to let him have his TV cuz I know how important it is to him and that he doesn’t spend the time alone that I do. He spends it with the people at work, so I figure he needs a break from people and I try to give him all the space I can.

I swear, though, that something wants to tie him up from spending time with me. First it was his mom that was sucking up all his time and now it’s his job. Maybe it’s for the better, though, cuz the more you miss someone, the more you look forward to seeing them. Perhaps we’d get on each other’s nerves if we were around each other too much. It’s not that we don’t get along, but he can be so sensitive over the dumbest things at times and he gets moody.

I feel like he too, has lost that initial lust and fascination with me that I had had with him, even though he’d deny this, but isn’t that normal? Don’t the lust and the eagerness to see each other wear off in time, along with the curiosity and all that?

The blue pickup’s back now. I should’ve known it would be.

Tom evened my hair out and did a wonderful job. Now I have a total of about 16 inches gone and it’s about 8 inches above my waist and 4-5 inches below my shoulders. I intend to leave it alone for a very long time, but meanwhile, I’ll enjoy having it be much less of a burden and I’ll pamper it this time around, too. It’s so nice having even, healthy hair for a change.

Tom worked an unbelievable amount of overtime yesterday. I told him that we can’t afford to have him have no time to do anything but work and sleep during the week, and that weekends weren’t enough to get out of here, but he said we’re moving by the time 60 days is up from Monday no matter what. I hope so! I do vibe it strongly, thank God. He’s decided to take a week to find someone to buy this place privately, but only a week. After that, he’ll call in a Realtor. I hope to hell we can sell it privately, but I won’t hold my breath.

I still wish they’d stop treating Tom at work like he’s some sort of machine. He’s a human being who needs a life. I fear all the time he’ll have a sudden heart attack cuz of all he does for that fucking bank. And that excludes errands and all the prep work he’s been doing.

Pies aren’t the only things that can make life messy. Larry will learn that when he pulls the stuff out of his manila envelope. He’ll be getting a sequin shower.

Tom was out earlier doing some yard work. He’s getting the pool cleaned up now, and he also put some more gunk on the roof. Nothing can permanently seal up this leak while we’re here; just stall it.

No silver car overnight last night next door. Also, I never saw the gold car yesterday. It was quiet all day. Just the pickup came and went. The only other thing to come was a city van. For the first time that I know of since they moved in, the city finally came out. The guy that came went up to work on the cooler. The stupid freeloaders probably think it doesn’t work when in fact it does work; it’s just too damn humid to be noticeable. Being well over 200 pounds probably doesn’t help, either. Anyway, I took a picture of the cooler opened up on the roof while the guy was probably getting something from his van, and one of the pickups and the silver car parked on the street/driveway (of course, no vehicles were there when the city van came). I’m sure they’ll enjoy seeing this!

Since there’s been no music (other than the soft bout in the gold car) and no antics from the kids, I’d still say that the city probably did talk to them regarding my letter.

Later...

Wow. What a long time for next door to remain without a vehicle there. The pickup’s been gone over 3 hours now, and who knows how long the silver car’s been gone.

Tom says he found the leak in the car. Great. Now God can go break something else within the car for us to have to deal with while we’re trying to get out of here. Tom got stuff to fix the car’s AC yesterday and even considered putting off signing the 60-day contract for a week but decided against it. Good. I’d rather sweat than be here longer than necessary.

The sooner we can move, the sooner those Mexicans and these blacks, among others back east, can get their little packages. Also, the city can get its final letter from me. Not only does Tom intend to give the mayor a piece of his mind (so he says) but I intend to let the city know just how furious I am with the way these rude lazy bums carry on at our expense, even if it doesn’t do me any good other than just to vent my frustrations.

Speaking of these such people - every time I think I’ve got the freeloaders next door figured out, they throw a curveball at me. Tom says a small, old sports car stood next door in the carport all night (I just couldn’t see it cuz I’m so short) and it’s here tonight, too. That’s why I’ve heard car doors and then got all confused cuz I couldn’t see a vehicle of any kind. The pickup’s still on the street, too, but that’s why it’s been parked on the street. Maybe they aren’t trying to make it look like no cars live there and maybe the city didn’t even bother talking to them regarding my letter.

The only other thing I saw yesterday was Chester and some guy getting out of the pickup. It looks like Chester got a boo-boo and has a bad arm. His forearm was bandaged and he was wearing a Budweiser T-shirt.

I got a kick out of Andy’s message he left me yesterday from work. Yeah, now he’s even calling from work. That’s because he just sits there most of the time with nothing to do, but this job won’t last long. Even if it wasn’t a temp job - all jobs are temp as far as Andy’s concerned. He’ll make it a temp job and he’ll quit if they don’t let him go themselves before too long. Anyway, Andy starts off by saying, “I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard my voice.” I’m like - yeah, a whole 4-5 days! He makes it sound like it’s been months, although to him, not talking to someone on the phone for 4-5 days is like months. At least he’s not calling constantly and bugging me to let him come over so he can use something or have me do something for him.

Later...

Pick-up - recently left on its first trip of the day.

Later...

Pick-up - just returned.

Later...

Unbeknownst to me, till I just checked, the pickup left again, and so did the silver car. What I’m curious to see is if Deb has the nerve to come banging in and out again even louder than yesterday in the gold car.

Ratsy’s been here a whole year today and Velvet’s about a year and a half old!

Tammy left a message saying she wanted to work things out. I knew she’d call before we got out of here. Well, that’s sweet of her and I hold no hard feelings towards her, but I don’t care. I just don’t care. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt her or angered her, and it’s even funny how she last went off on me (I wish I taped it), but I simply have no desire to kiss and make up and associate with her. I need to break that never-ending cycle with her as I did with the others and let her go. I have to move on. It doesn’t mean I hate her or that I don’t want her to have a wonderful life. I hope her life is full of good health and happiness. Meanwhile, she doesn’t need me. She’s got others that are there for her when she needs to talk. People she has more in common with than we do.

Later...

What a gorgeous morning it is out there. It’s the driest it’s been in ages, too. It won’t last long, though. As soon as that sun gets visible, it’ll be a sauna. I do not look forward to seeing Melanie and signing the contract Monday (the money came) in a car without AC, but it’s got to be done and it’s worth it. To think that Monday will finally be the day I have the honor of picking out valances for the new house, the cabinets, etc. is so exciting! I can’t wait!

The pickup is on the street now like it usually is. It went out for a little while yesterday afternoon, though. Also, a white car I don’t think I’ve ever seen before was here yesterday in the driveway getting worked on. Mexicans love to work on cars, but this was no old junker like the Puerto Ricans back east had. It looked like they were changing a tire, and the hood was open, too. They left shortly after I spotted them at 5:00 and I have a feeling that if I hadn’t sent in a certain letter, they’d have blasted Mexican music while doing their shit.

Anyway, I still don’t know if anyone moved out or where the van is, but I do know that they’re trying to make it look like whoever drives the pickup doesn’t live there. Why else would they keep it parked on the street all the time? Especially when there’s no van coming and going in the driveway. I’ll bet it’ll park in the driveway on Sunday, though.

My guess as to the situation is that due to my letter, they canned the music and the kid’s antics. Then they loaned their van to the person that owns the pickup and borrowed the pickup so they could still get around with the intention of parking it on the street to make it appear that this pickup visits a lot. I think they’ll swap back in time.

Later...

Tom was right - that guy does walk around the neighborhood a lot. The bearded guy who looks a little like his brother that was inquiring about the freeloaders. I don’t see how anyone can stand it now. It may’ve been a warm and dry sunrise, but now it’s deathly hot and humid.

I hope Tom isn’t as beat and as sore as he was yesterday due to the conversion going on at work. I feel so bad for him. There’s always something going on with that bank. They treat their employees like machines at this job. They don’t give a shit about running people ragged, and I worry about him all the time. What if he has a heart attack cuz of all the hours and work he’s doing for this fucking bank? Will he ever really have a normal job with normal hours? Or is he forever hexed in the workplace? There should be laws to protect how long and how hard you can work people. People need to have a life. However, when he’s home, he’s usually too tired to do much. At the same time he’s got way more stamina and control over his schedule and how long he stays up, he’s like an old man. He has no energy. It’s a damn good thing I’m not the nympho I used to be, wanting mutual sex, cuz I’d be seriously deprived if I were. The main part of his holding back and being hesitant in bed has always been fear of impregnating me, but another part of it has to do with his low energy and drive. He has very little energy and drive when it comes to things like that. This is one reason I believe the sex would be the same even if I had a hysterectomy. Also, he’s so stubborn and determined to make sure he never changes or admits his fear of impregnating me that he’d make sure he didn’t change as a cover for that if I had to have one. He wouldn’t fool me, though.

If his mom gives us that $5,000 when we move, it’ll get us all we want to get for the house, but Tom said she didn’t say when she’d do this, let alone that she was going to do this for sure. Well, any decent human being would not only not say something like that unless they intended to do it, but they would see someone moving as the right time to do it. Especially someone who was moving that helped her move. I don’t know, though. The decent Marjorie that I knew died when Dad died.

The pickup came and went a few times. It’s been out now for over an hour.

Later...

Debra and Chester just returned. The pickup’s in the street, of course, and it looks like they were unloading bags and boxes of groceries.

Wait a minute…That may not have been Debra. A little girl of about 6 years of age and a woman who was definitely Debra just pulled up in the driveway. Debra had her hair in a bun, so maybe the other woman who got out of the pickup was Fanny.

Later...

Debra just left in the gold car with 3 kids - two girls and a boy. The boy was about 8 and the girls were around 5 and 12. The older girl could’ve even been around 15. I now believe that this car is owned by Debra’s parents. She was playing music softly. I didn’t even know this car had a stereo like that. Anyway, it was very soft, and if she knows what’s good for her, she won’t dare turn up the volume any higher. So then that was her that thumped in, huh? I thought it was someone driving by that turned down one of the side streets, but obviously it wasn’t. Well like I said, if she knows what’s good for her, it won’t get any louder. She’s so lucky we’re moving, though! So lucky! If it weren’t for us moving, she’d have to start looking for a new place to live real soon.

Yesterday morning at 7:00, the pickup moved from the driveway to the street, but no other vehicle showed up that I know of, and the pickup’s still on the street. It no doubt moved there at that time to make it look like it was visiting and not living here as it seems to be lately.

I didn’t hear any voices or music, but I saw and heard Chester bopping around in the carport. I don’t know what the fuck he was doing, but I do know he had old, rusty metal chairs up against the block wall in the carport, cuz I could see their reflection in their living room window. I heard things sliding about, but I still can’t say for sure what’s going on.

I spoke with Kim yesterday who’s doing both good and bad. Bad because if she had her way, she and Mark would’ve worked out and they’d have kids now. Good because she finally ditched Walter. I told her he’d keep on resisting having kids and that he was full of shit telling her he wanted them just to keep her. I guess he finally leveled with her about his not wanting kids, and so she did what most women would do when it comes to guys who lie about that and she left him. He was also in a bad car accident and became withdrawn. She went through a lot with Walter and was fed up. She wastes no time moving on, though, cuz she’s already seeing a guy named Jim who plays trombone in an instrumental band and wants kids more than she does. Kim joins the band at times with her flute. She’s staying in her apartment in Northampton and is soon to be sharing it with an international exchange student from Spain.

I hope this roommate works out and that she gets her Mr. Right and that her Mr. Right will want kids, but see what I mean? Every time she thinks she just might be about to get her dream, something fouls that up. I see a familiar pattern here. I even asked her this time if she thought that maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but for her sake, I hope it is.

Tom said that his mom was thinking about cashing in some CDs and she asked Tom if he thought it would be unfair for her to give Mary and him $5,000 each, and not give to the others. Well, I think that’d be fair since Mary and he are the only ones that do anything for her, but as Tom told her, it’s her money and she has to decide what to do with it. As I told Tom, though, I wish she’d stop talking and just do for a change. I’m tired of us doing for her, then having her jerk us around. She’s so fucking rude and selfish! We do for her and then she says she’ll do for us, but she doesn’t. I guess it’s easier to say things than to do them for most of us. It’s one thing for Tom to say, “whatever happens happens,” but another for him to cum when I’m mid-cycle. I’ll bet these journals he’ll never cum again during that time. Especially since I don’t want a kid. I’m not saying he’s wrong to not cum, I’m just making a point. Sure it’s easy for him to tell me that whatever happens happens, but as soon as I hit mid-cycle, or close enough, that statement’s not so easy to live by, obviously.

I can’t wait to move! I’m sooooooo excited! I’m looking forward to even little things like being able to just dial AOL without having to string wire.

Tom said I did an excellent job of cutting my hair. Yeah, I did. It still needs some evening out, but not much. He said this looks great, but he likes it better longer. Me too, if it weren’t so dead and uneven and such a pain. He rated my old hair a 9 and this an 8½. I was surprised he rated this an 8½. I thought he’d rate it a 6 or 7.

What’ll be interesting to see is if such a big haircut shocks my hair out of growing. It shocked the curl out of it. The average hair growth per month is half an inch. In just over two years it could be back to where it was, but then again, it seems that my hair grows faster in Arizona than it did back east. I don’t know why, but that’s just what seems to be the case. We’ll just have to wait and see what it does and what it looks like if it’s ever as long as it was again. For now, you can bet your ass I’m gonna enjoy how easy it is to wash, maintain, and deal with.

The pickup left at 6:00 and returned shortly after. It’s still in the street. I guess it will be all day.

Reporting in with 13.5 fewer inches of hair! Yeah, I finally got sick of being bogged down with it and cut it from the crease between my ass and thighs up to my middle back. I was just so tired of sitting on it, kneeling on it, leaning on it, getting it caught in food and things, and having it be a bitch to deal with. It’d take me forever to braid/unbraid it, to brush out its knots, and it was a bitch to sleep with. I couldn’t wear it in a high ponytail or a bun cuz it was too heavy, and it was too long for me to handle getting the damn thing into a French braid. It’d take nearly an hour to dry after washing it.

Now, though, it’s still long and feminine and I can do so much more with it. I can braid it without having to pull the braid in front of me, I can get it into the perfect bun, it takes no time to wash, dry and brush, and it looks so much healthier. I pulled it to the sides and put rubber bands in just below where I intended to cut it, and then I cut the two sides just above the rubber band. I cut approximately half its length off, and believe me when I say I’m going to take care of it this time! No killing it with straightening irons! That way, if I want to grow it back, it won’t be as shabby or as uneven, hopefully. As long as I don’t get trim-happy along the way, it’ll be back to where it was in two years from now if that’s what I decide to let be the case. I did a pretty good job with the initial cut which I did right after he went to work. He’ll have to even it out, though, like he agreed he would which will probably pick it up to about an inch above the middle of my back. I was surprised at how it dried up. I thought it would dry up really curly like it was a decade ago when my hair was this length, but it dried up wavy instead. It looks like how it looked before my 20s - just wavy.

I think I’ll save one of the bundles of hair, and send the other one to Tammy along with the stuff I intend to send her when we move.

Later...

Tom and I agreed I’d paint the baseboards in the bedrooms and the living room. The parts that don’t have artwork on them and need to be primed first. I went and prepped the rooms by pulling out furniture and boxes away from the walls. I did a bit of vacuuming, but I don’t intend to get painting till sunup. This will be one less thing he has to do and one step forward to being done with the prepping. Tom’s gonna put vinyl baseboards in the kitchen and the bathroom. The back room never had any baseboards, so that’s how we’ll leave it.

We’re filling the pool back up now since Tom already repainted the steps. Once it’s filled, he’ll clean the leaves, twigs and gunk that’s in it. Then, all we’ll really have left is yard work, packing, and ditching old junk we won’t be taking with us. The packing I’m doing can’t be finished till we’re right about to move, but it isn’t much. Just the things we need to use till then. Tom, though, has a shitload of packing and dumping to do within the back room and the garage.

I’m totally, totally stumped as to what the hell’s going on with next door. At 1:15 yesterday afternoon, the cream pickup and the gold car showed up, then left an hour or two later. When I got up at 11:00, the gold car and the van were here, but they left shortly afterward and haven’t returned since. Shortly after they left, the cream pickup pulled in and has been there all night. There hasn’t been any music or wild antics of any kind from over there, so that’s all that really matters.

Tom said something about someone way down the street getting a new dog, but I have yet to hear it.

Later...

It took 2½ hours, but I managed to move shit out of the way, paint the living room and bedroom baseboards, then get shit back in order. Half the living room I didn’t do, though, cuz it needs priming, and only a little part of the bedroom didn’t get done. All of the music room is done, though.

At 7:00, someone moved the pickup into the street, but I have yet to see the van or any other vehicle. I did hear someone bopping around the carport, though. I didn’t hear any voices, but someone was out doing something.

Yesterday’s sex was utterly boring and predictable, but I just live with it. I want him to have the sex life he wants. I feel it’s the least I can do for him after all he’s done for me and given me. Besides, he already knows I’d prefer more oral and less screwing and continues to ignore this.

Andy finally called, but it was a cool message he left. Not a message asking for bullshit favors like I thought he’d leave. For now, he’s given up on the button, but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised about that. After all, didn’t I say that was just to get me to check on it during the weekend till I gave him the reaction he wanted and didn’t get?

Anyway, he’s still at this temp job he’s been at for 2-3 weeks now, and he likes it cuz he can go on the Internet at this job. No wonder he hasn’t been more insistent about coming over. I don’t have anything to offer him if he’s got the Internet right there at work.

The cool part of the message is that he’s now working for Barbara Nicks. He and some friends helped clear some furniture out of her crafts store for $8 an hour even though they only worked a couple of hours, and now he’s gonna be doing yard work for her at the store once a week which he’ll be sent a check for $100 monthly for. I’m really happy for him and I hope he’ll keep this up! I think he will, though, being the connection to Stevie and all that. He’s in now, as he says. He’s getting closer to Stevie, and I still think they’ll meet. I mean really meet. And it won’t be just a quick hello at a concert. Anyway, I left a quick reply letting him know I was pleased for him.

According to my countdown, I have 35 days to go until these braces come off. However, I’ve got a vibe that’s getting stronger by the minute saying I can forget about that. Not just because the greedy rude doctor may decide to play musical appointments with me, but because my two front teeth aren’t moving. All the other teeth moved fast, but these teeth, which were the only teeth that were even to start with and that got thrown off after the braces went on, just won’t even out again. Maybe this won’t be a problem, though, but we’ll see.

Tom replaced our old, ugly, non-standard, out-of-date AC grill yesterday. The old one was non-painted metal and this one’s painted white. It looks much better and more modern. Also, now we have a standard size, so we can get filters for under a buck at a grocery store and know it’s gonna fit.

Computers are another thing I’ve been hexed with. Especially in the last handful of months. Tom had to redo my desktop and it was a bitch having to try to remember everything that was there and in the start-up menu, but at least I didn’t lose any journals or pictures. I didn’t bother this time to change my icons. Every time I do, I just end up losing them, so I’ll stick with theirs even if they’re ugly.

I made some pretty neat collages yesterday that were hard and time-consuming to make, but fun and worth it. I made a collage of dogs, cats, flowers, cactuses, palm trees, and an assortment of animals and scenery.

I thought it’d be neat to have a layout of all the places I lived in as an adult, so I went into a program that lets me draw with lines and made some cool, but disproportionate layouts of the Norwich, and the 3 Springfield apartments I had. I couldn’t do the Deerfield one, though, with all the alcoves it had. It was still an interesting thing to experiment with.

Since we probably won’t be able to “do the dream right,” so to speak, and get all we want for the new house right away, I’ve prioritized the list, making the computer desk I want, the exercise machine, kitchen set, living room set, bedroom set, and the table for mice/GP the top priorities.

In March, Tom plans to cash more stock and says we can each take $500 to blow. Cool! I love the idea of going back to that mall store where I got Bailey twice in less than a year! I can’t wait and am so excited to get new dolls, move, set up the new place, etc.

Yesterday, about 6 hours after I went to bed, at around 6 PM, there was a power failure. Being the light sleeper that I am, whose mind is just as alert to what’s going on around her in sleep as well as when she’s awake, I woke up the instant it happened. I figured the little kids would come out and raise hell, but they didn’t, and the power wasn’t off too long. The kids haven’t been raising hell and there hasn’t been any music heard in here and I’m not surprised. However, I don’t know anymore if the reason the van’s been gone is cuz it’s not supposed to be there. If there isn’t supposed to be a vehicle here, then why has the cream pickup been here since yesterday morning? It’s weird too, for vehicles to arrive at 8:30 in the morning over there, but that’s when this pickup came and it doesn’t appear to have moved since.

Also, I was wrong when I said Tom saw a new, white pickup over there Saturday. He said he saw it there Friday. The city has cars, vans, and pickups, and it could’ve been the city, but I don’t know. All I know is that this last weekend was the least stressful since they’ve been here, and it was great.

Later...

Tom just got in and helped me get my drawings and BMPs onto a CD. It took a few tries, but unlike making audio CDs, making data CDs works. Now I don’t have to use them till I lose them, cuz it’s only inevitable that the hard drive will go on the fritz again sooner or later and destroy all my wallpaper pictures and more.

The pickup left at 7:30 and hasn’t been back since. Tom suggested that maybe they swapped vehicles for some reason. I don’t know cuz if it was Deb and Chester using the pickup, why haven’t they come and gone constantly like they do with the van? If the van and pickup don’t show up today for more than a few minutes, then I’ll think the pickup was there for them to use to go somewhere if they needed to go anywhere yesterday, and that yes, they were told to get rid of the van or lose the house. Meanwhile, leaving at 7:30 in the morning on a weekday is the time to leave if you don’t want to get caught and look like you still have a vehicle of some kind. On Sundays, though, they won’t check up on them.

Also, I forgot to mention this earlier, but the gold car visited yesterday. Tom said that when they left he saw the kids, but didn’t hear them, and confirmed that there was no music played from over there that could be heard in this house.

I’d still say it’s quite a coincidence that the van disappears and the kids shut up two days after my letter goes out. Right now, I’d say it has to do with my letter, I am the first to complain, and they do care about getting evicted. I could tell any talk of going to the city made Deb nervous from the get-go, and I’m sure that’s why the overnight noise stopped, and the Ranchero and white car disappeared, too.

Tom doesn’t believe God is vengeful or loving. He thinks of God as a creator, not as something that controls our lives one way or another. He believes in meant to be and not meant to be, but just because. Not for a reason. I disagree, though, I think God does control our lives and that things that are meant to be or not meant to be are so for a reason. If he’s right, though, this world sure is full of an awful lot of delusional people. If you think about it, though, everyone wants to believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, so why not add in God, huh?

The reason I don’t think things happen just because is that it’s too ironic how certain things in my life have been timed. As if something up there was always looking out for me survival-wise, despite the pain and punishment it’s inflicted upon me. Isn’t it pretty ironic, for example, how I wasn’t cut from disability till after we met? How that impacted tooth didn’t show up till after we met? How my ear didn’t really start to get to me till after we met? This is how I know Tom’s wrong when he says that I haven’t conceived just because I haven’t conceived. The reason I haven’t conceived, thank God, is cuz something up there knows I could never handle that level of pain and a life with a kid. The only thing about that that doesn’t make sense is the fact that I still have my parts. Then again, I’m sure that just because a woman can’t have kids, doesn’t mean she has to lose her parts cuz of it. It’s just that usually, when a woman can’t have kids, it’s because she’s had some female problems or has had to have something taken out. You don’t have too many cases like Linda’s where she couldn’t conceive for no apparent reason, and I still don’t think it’s got anything to do with his cumming once in a lifetime or that there’s something wrong with him. Whatever’s wrong or not wrong, good or bad, wanted or not, things do happen for a reason. God, or whatever the hell it is, has our lives written out for us day to day from birth to death before we’re even born.

I still haven’t heard from Andy. Wouldn’t it be funny if he was the one to dump me after all? Sometimes, if a person thinks you’re gonna dump them, they feel it best to beat you to it and just get it over with themselves and so they end up dumping someone before they get dumped. People would rather be the dumper than the dumpee, but I hope he’ll see it more in terms of me walking away and letting him be him, rather than me dumping him. I suppose that’d be hard for him, though. Anyway, I made my call to him last Monday and let him know we could talk, and it’s up to him from here on out to either call or not call. If he’s dumped me, so be it. I want him to be himself and to be happy, so I’ll let him go if that’s what he wants, as I intended to anyway.

Tom said that while I was asleep he only saw the van once. He said it came in for a few minutes, then went back out. There was evidence of someone being at the house yesterday when he was up on the roof, though, cuz clothes were hanging out on their line. He also said that he could hear soft music when he was coming back from the store, but that once he got inside the house, he couldn’t hear it. Lastly, a car he couldn’t see, cuz it was dark at the time, came and honked 6-7 times, then left.

Went online and got a list of V. C. Andrew’s books, who’s dead from what I read.

Later...

Tom got a manual can opener that’s supposed to be better and longer-lasting. It leaves smooth edges on cut covers so you don’t get hurt, but I don’t really like it. When we move I want to get a new electric one cuz ours is dulling down and getting old. It’s just over two years old. Art and Dureen got it for us when they were here in May of ‘97.

The van hasn’t been next door since I got up at 8:30. That’s at least 4 hours that it’s been out! It’s never been out that long before, has it? Hmm… Could this be the result of a certain letter? Somehow I doubt it, but it’s too soon to tell. I mean, I just don’t know anymore if that van was supposed to be there or not. If they truly are married, then I’d think he would be allowed to be there. I don’t know about Fanny, though. Well, the weekend should tell me more about what’s going on and if there have been any changes or not. Changes such as music coming from that house. I knew that stereo would be a problem. I told Tom that it would be as soon as he saw it and told me about it.

Tom says that where we’re moving to, people really want to avoid their neighbors and just like me, they want peace and quiet. Therefore, this is why they aren’t going to make a scene and be heard with stereos. I hope he’s right! They sure are desperate for attention here in the city, though. Everyone wants to be heard and noticed.

Later...

Tom just got up and is going to get us some fast food. On the weekends, I sometimes pig out on fast food.

Tom said the van wasn’t next door when he was up, either. He says all he saw was a white pickup over there. Didn’t the city have a plain, unmarked white pickup? I think they had a plain, unmarked white car, too. Anyway, if I’m right about the van not being there cuz it wasn’t supposed to be, although it’s premature to assume so, then that proves Tom wrong about two things in a good way. For the van to suddenly disappear after my letter went out just two days ago, proves I was right about being the only one to complain, cuz if the van disappearing was cuz of my letter, why mine and not anyone else that may have complained before me? See, I don’t think anyone else complained. Remember, this is Arizona. You don’t complain out here. Not unless you’re from the East. Also, it proves Tom wrong about a city complaint stirring them up even more. As soon as I saw that my threats quieted them down, I knew no city complaint would make them act “blatantly illegal.” They do mind getting evicted, fortunately, and I’m very glad Tom seems to be wrong so far.

We’re going to look at land Monday morning and narrow down our choices, but we can’t go sign the 60-day contract Monday cuz the fucking check hasn’t come yet. Why do things like this have to take so long these days? Especially when it’s gonna be a direct deposit?

The little animals didn’t come out to scream this evening, but that doesn’t mean it’s cuz the city told them to quiet down over there. There are a few nights that they don’t come out anyway. I’m just glad I threatened them, cuz I still firmly believe that the cease in the noise from their all-nighters and the lack of the ranchero and white car is cuz of what I warned them I’d do. I guess tempers do get people somewhere, but naturally that Hispanic cunt wasn’t about to come out and admit that the fact that I practically blackmailed her and her associates had her nerves in a frenzy.

I was watching a documentary about rehabilitating killers and it really burns me up! You cannot rehabilitate a killer! OK? You just can’t do that! Especially when it comes to premeditated killers. And if seeing adult murderers do a measly few years in jail burns me up, seeing the teen murderers get even less really burns me up! These animals should be cremated and then have their ashes flushed down the toilet. Instead, they take millions of our tax dollars to hopelessly “rehabilitate these hopeless monsters. Then it burned me up even more when the so-called “therapist” said that it’d be hard for this teenage boy who killed his mother every one of her birthdays and when he has kids and they ask about his mother. And he will have kids, too. That’s the thing that really enrages me. God will see to it that this beast has kids. I don’t know why I bother to watch these things.

Look how fucked up our society is, though. Tom works his ass off just to give a good chunk of his earnings to “rehabilitate” these lost causes who can’t be helped any more than you can train a rat to sing, and so the freeloaders next door can sit on their asses all day and all night while they get catered to at our expense and given a free ride in life.

Tom says that every time I mention his mom, I complain. I guess he does have a point. It seems that ever since we found out that Dad was dying, she changed. Death changes people, it seems. Just look at how weak, depressed, mean, vindictive, defensive, hateful, spiteful, two-faced, and conceited my brother became after Larry died. Larry’s always had these traits in him, but they sure did come out really strong after Larry’s death.

I may have no choice but to cut my hair soon. I’ve been getting a lot of headaches, and personally, I miss being able to put it up in a high ponytail or clip it up or put it in a French twist, or put it in a bun, and not feel like I’ve got a brick attached to my head. I miss being able to wash, brush, and sleep with it without it being such a pain in the ass, and it still looks pretty shabby and uneven most of the time. Well, we’ll see. It’s only hair, though, and hair grows. I can always grow it back if I want to after cutting it. I did hear that cutting a lot of hair at once can prevent it from growing back and so can childbirth. Yes, childbirth will stunt your hair, but I don’t know if I believe that a big cut will do that, so I’m not worried. It’ll grow back if I let it, and if I don’t trim it so much in between like I did last time, it should only take 6-7 years to get back to where it’s at now.

I still haven’t heard from Andy, since I left him that message last Sunday night. This could mean one of several things: he’s mad at me for some reason that he only knows about, he’s assuming our friendship is nearly over anyway, he’s busy, or he’s dead. I highly doubt any of the last two. If he were dead, someone would’ve notified me, and he’s so rarely ever busy. The guy’s only been busy maybe 10% of the last decade. Well, we’ll see if he just happens to want attention over the weekend, but he should know I won’t fall for the bullshit I’ll-drop-the-pants-off-for-you-to-sew-the-button-on game.

Later...

When I got up at 8:30 I expected to see next door’s driveway and part of the street lined with cars, but it’s a ghost town over there. It’s dark and there’s no van over there. They function at night in the dark for the most part anyway, but the van will be back and I’m sure some company will be in tow. If the kids were outside earlier raising hell, I wouldn’t know.

I’m reading a book right now about a stalker who calls his victim and reads Bible passages, and oh my God! How can anyone read this shit? It’s so full of vengeance, hatred, blood, death, pain and punishment!

I’m sort of doing stomach exercises again, but the discouraging part of it is that I know I can only go so far. The flatter and stronger your stomach gets, the longer you have to work out to keep it going. Getting a stomach that looks like these instructors you see on exercise videos, takes many hours a day. I still don’t have it in me to work out that long.

Linda Ronstadt is 50 years old today.

I watched a doll show since it’s close enough (I hope) to be getting all the possible choices I can for when I can make a buy. There was another 38” doll named Tiffany that’s a possibility, but she’s about $100 more than Ciara. She too, has only 300 pieces of her. This one had a nicer face and the same color hair, but it was straight. She had on a coral dress. Her hair was the same length as Ciara’s; to the waist.

They also showed that Indian doll. She’s beautiful but not worth buying. She’s only 16” tall and has a painted face that’s not all that great. I like glass eyes versus painted eyes. Her outfit is nice, except for her headdress, she’s a full-porcelain and was $128. Only a few bucks cheaper than the Sacajawea and Pine Leaf dolls I want from Ashton-Drake. She had hair to her knees, but I already have dolls with hair that long. The Ashton-Drake dolls are more unique (especially Sacajawea who sits with a papoose on her lap) than anything I already have and they have better faces.

Later...

Our roof’s leaking again in two places and our washer’s now broken on top of the blown AC. I never should’ve “rebelled” against God and sent in that letter!

Later...

I got Tom up and he got the washer going again, so I don’t know what happened. He said even if it did break, all we’d have to do is pull the old washer out. Yeah, but that’d just be one more time-consuming hassle we don’t need right now what with all that’s going on.

Tom, who swears we’re not gonna hear our neighbors when we move, says I’ll have a problem no matter where I go. Well, there certainly has been so far. I know all places, things, and people have their pros and cons, but yes, it does seem a little overkill for me. But I can’t help what’s destined for me either, and it’s more than obvious to me that God decided that one of my main cons in life would be listening to other people’s noise. And to hex me or both of us when it comes to plumbing, electronics, sex, roofs, and cars.

Tom says that when he put the sealer on, he didn’t put any under the AC and that that’s where the leak came from as the wind blew the rain under the AC. He says he’ll take care of it Saturday morning, but why should he bother? It’ll only keep on leaking. Like I said many months ago - it cannot be fixed and if something up there will ever allow it to be fixed, it won’t be by us while we’re here. The more I think about it, though, the more I doubt God’s the cause of this leak. I’m starting to wonder if it has to do with either the spirit of a dead person who once lived here or negative energy coming from anyone who used to live here that’s still alive. I’ve always felt negative energy from this house and wondered if something bad happened here. I’m not saying I think anyone died in here, but we already know from the marks on the outer bedroom doors that kids were locked in the bedrooms. They were locked in where they couldn’t go to the bathroom of their own will. That alone tells me something right there; if you can do that to kids, you can do worse than that. There are also scratch marks on the lower inner bedroom door that suggests some kind of animal was trapped in there and tried to claw its way out. The marks suggest this was a constant occurrence, too. Anyway, having a brand-new house is good because there can’t be any negative energy in it but our own (God, I hope not!) and we know no one could’ve been murdered in it.

Here we go again with the car problems - the AC went out. Tom’s gonna stop at the place he got the car at tomorrow and get an estimate.

Later...

The freeloaders were driving me nuts so I threw my headphones on. I mean, their fucking screaming was overriding the sound machine, the fucking mother-fucking freeloaders! God, I hate them!!!!!

I woke up at 5 PM, looked out front, and said to Tom, “What’s all this company doing here on a Wednesday?”

There was a cream-colored pickup with a dark plastic bag over its passenger window, and the blue pickup. I just thank God there’s been no white car or ranchero! He said there was a huge storm and that since some of the roads are flooded, they may not be able to get around. Let me guess - they just had to get stuck here.

Anyway, Tom said there was a huge storm with a ton of rain (he said there wasn’t much thunder which explains why I slept), but that there were no leaks (he put some stuff on the roof a few days ago). How could it not leak, though? I mean, that’s incredible! Then again, God knows we have other shit to fix, like the car’s AC. Yeah, the scammers at the dealership wanted $900, so it looks like we won’t have any AC in the car till after we’ve moved. We can’t afford for him to take time out to play car now, we have to move! I want out of this shit house and I want away from these Mexicans. Those fucking freeloaders - aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhh!

There hasn’t been any music, but shortly after Tom went to bed which was shortly after I got up, out they came to scream and act like the wild animals they are. And of course, everyone else on the street was quiet, being the normal, civilized people they are. Only the freeloaders had to make a scene. Only the freeloaders that just have to be next to me!

The cream pickup left at 7:00, but the blue pickup’s still here. Meanwhile, the city should’ve gotten my letter today and they should talk to these assholes tomorrow.

Later...

Amazingly, when the cream pickup left, it left. The blue one came and went twice, and right now, there are no vehicles there. Even the van’s out. Will the van return by itself? Or will there be more company tonight?