Tom has to work tonight, then he’s on vacation.

There are now 34 weeks to go till the freeloaders are out of my life forever. About 238 more days left and about 161 in which Scot could show up here, but I really doubt he will. I hope not, but if he does, I’ll know that there won’t be 20- or 30-something more months in which he could continue to do so. So, I wouldn’t like it, especially if I was sleeping, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world either. Yes, there are many worse things than Scot popping in.

It dawned on me that you really can write to someone in prison from Estrella and get a reply, so I told Mary about the time I wrote Bob and got a response and suggested she give it a try.

Little by little it’s been warming up. Maybe that’s why there hasn’t been any activity in back when we go out to water the plants. The bougainvilleas are still in shock, but the rest of the stuff is fine.

Since I decided I don’t like flags enough to get more once the rest of the ones I have get old and tattered, the palms will be good for telling the direction of the wind like the flags are. Especially when they get bigger and fuller. It’s hard to tell the way the wind’s blowing with the bushier trees.

My prairie dogs remember me from last year. Both they and the rabbits are pretty brave around us, but the prairie dogs are definitely the bravest. I stepped up to an open window, and down on the ground just a few feet away, a cute little prairie doggie stood up on its feet staring at me. Then I went out and fed it.

We turned the heat off for the year which means it’ll get pretty chilly in the early mornings for a while, but we’ll live. The heat’s now not coming on till 4-5 AM.

To my extreme surprise, I was up 21½ hours and only slept for 6½, yet wasn’t tired when I got up. Maybe I’m finally getting to that point in life where I don’t need as much sleep, as is common with age.

Anyway, here’s a rather sad, sarcastic, yet to-the-point poem I wrote earlier.

Because of Them

Because of them, suffered great stress.
Because of them, I could not live in peace.
Because of them, I shed many tears of sadness.
Because of them, I raged with anger and frustration.
Because of them, I lost faith in God.
Because of them, I was forced to turn on fans or music to drown out their racket.
Because of them, I could not always enjoy being outdoors.
Because of them, I had to sleep on a cold, hard floor.
Because of them, I had to return to the city I thought I had escaped.
Because of them, I could not live with my husband for six months.
Because of them, the last six months of my pet’s life were stolen from me.
Because of them, I was forced to eat overly bland or spicy foods.
Because of them, I had no privacy.
Because of them, I had to pee in front of others.
Because of them, I could not wear my own clothes.
Because of them, I could not sleep in my own bed.
Because of them, I was forced to take cold showers.
Because of them, I fell out of shape and gained weight.
Because of them, I lost many hours of sleep.
Because of them, I lost thousands of dollars.
Because of them, I lived in a world of concrete and steel.
Because of them, I froze my ass off.
Because of them, I got the flu.
Because of them, my newly straightened teeth shifted.
Because of them, I was forced to interact with strangers I didn’t care to know.
Because of them, I could not use my stereo, computer or other things.
Because of them, I had to deal with even more noise and chaos.
Because of them, I had to deal with some crazy, mean people.
Because of them, someone stole my heart and broke it.
Because of them, my husband also lost time and sleep.
Because of them, I was humiliated, degraded and treated as a criminal.
Because of them, I had to go places I’d have preferred not to go.
Because of them, I live in the constant fear of reverse discrimination.
Because of them, I can no longer trust the system.
Because of them, I learned that corrupt cops aren’t only on TV.
Because of them, I was forced to do things I didn’t want to do.
Because of them, I learned many new things I didn’t care to learn.
Because of them, I learned I was tougher and more capable than I thought.
Because of them, I became friends with Mary and Rosa.
Because of them, I have written and published things I may not have.
Because of them, nothing will ever be the same again.
Because of them, I WILL fight back if I am ever again legally railroaded.

I’m also going to put a copy of the letter I’m going to have Mary mail to Johnson in here.

Teddy Bear,

I have sent this letter in to Mary to give to you if you should return to Estrella while she’s still there because I’m trying to keep you out of trouble while I say what I wish to say to you, so please, if a sergeant should ever get a hold of this, just please make sure officer Johnson gets to read it, too. I want her to know just how much I’ve suffered on account of her rather poor conduct.

Yes, Teddy Bear, it’s me. Do you even remember me? The one you thought was too pretty to be a Jodi? The one you nicknamed Dawn? The one who called you Teddy Bear? The one whose heart you broke with your false promises of getting together a year after my ’01 release?

First I was hurt over what you did to me, but then I became angry. Especially after learning that there are other victims of your games and lies, which in a sense, is what’s inspired me to give you a piece of my mind. I had to do it, not because it can change the past, but because I hope it will cause you to think about what you’ve done and not make the same mistakes again. Life isn’t about avoiding mistakes altogether, it’s about trying not to make the same ones more than once.

So tell me, have you really simply wiped me out of your memory forever? And what about the property near my old place that was for sale that you asked me all about? Have you really forgotten the jokes we shared, the chats we had, etc.? Have you forgotten our joke about the dolls? Have you forgotten how I used to guess your name? I got new names for you, none of which begin with an R or would be appropriate to write.

For someone who’s considered to be pretty smart, I often wonder how I could’ve been so blind and dumb where you were concerned. And I thought you were oh so professional? Yeah, right! What kind of “professional” leads someone on the way you did with me? I know I wasn’t the only one and I know why you were transferred. I don’t want to “get you” and I don’t want to see you fired, but your behavior, looking back on it, was disgusting. Utterly appalling. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Don’t you ever feel the slightest bit of guilt? I was a human being you played with, not a toy. I had feelings, you know, and you really ran my head through the wringer. I was so, so hurt. I cried, brokenhearted for months when I realized you weren’t going to respond to the ’02 letter you told me I could send. No, I wasn’t going to leave my husband whom I love dearly, but I had hoped for and looked forward to some kind of relationship with you which you gave me every reason to believe would happen. Well, I guess it really is too late now, for I’m no longer even in Arizona. Now I know why you told me to wait a year after my release before sending that letter, too. As soon as you told me they had a 1-year policy, I became suspicious so I did some checking and found that wasn’t true. You only told me to wait, figuring I’d forget about you by then and how I wish I had, but see, you don’t understand the impact you had on me. It wasn’t just a crush I had on you, I fell in love with you and there was no denying it. One really can’t control who they fall in love with or how fast, nor does it matter if we don’t know the person too well, because I assure you, if I’d known what you were all about, I’d have avoided you at all costs. Flirting’s one thing, but must you tell people you’re going to get together with them when you know you won’t?

I busted my butt trying to breed you your favorite mice like I promised you I would, and what did I get for it? Totally ignored. The least you could’ve done was to call or write saying, “Thanks, but no thanks and I can’t make it to see you.” Instead, you blew me off completely as if I never existed. I mean, that was so cold, and you’re one of the last people I’d have thought would ever do such a thing. I thought you truly cared. I had no idea I was merely a game to you, and all on top of having to deal with why I was there.

I was there because I’m Jewish and I lodged a complaint against the wrong people with the wrong connections, unaware of the laws and my rights. I was tricked and manipulated by a public defender into pleading guilty for something I wasn’t even charged with and by the time I realized what had happened, it was too late, I was already convicted. And all for something I never should’ve done time for even if I had been guilty. Our old neighbors were black/Muslims, most of whom hate Jews, particularly them. They had section 8, were very loud, trashing our yard, etc., so we lodged a city complaint. They had a cop friend who typed a threatening letter, hauled me into the station, thrust it into my hands and asked if I’d seen it before. That’s how he got my prints on it. My point in telling you this is that first I had to deal with being set up and tossed in jail, then the media’s labeling me a stalking racist and having a field day making me their source of entertainment at my own expense with their fictitious tales, then you come along and shaft me all over again in a whole new way. There’s no excuse for what you’ve done. I trusted you, I loved you, and you used me while I was in custody. You, along with this corrupt cop and system, have really helped to shatter my trust of those within law enforcement in general and I have lost all respect and admiration for you. To me, you were very intelligent with such a vibrant personality and great sense of humor, but to you, I was a joke. Don’t worry, though, for I’ll be damned if I’ll always be the “woman scorned.” Little by little I’m overcoming the pain and emotional damage you’ve caused me and I will survive you, Officer R. D. Johnson, I will survive!

We watered the palms, and I swear Queenie’s grown half a foot overnight! The other one still looks the same. One of the bougainvilleas went into shock, but we think it’ll be okay. That’s a common occurrence when something’s been replanted in a new place.

Got a letter from Mary postmarked the 4th, but whether or not she’s still here is a mystery to me. I have a feeling she probably is. I wish she’d just get moved since we know Teddy Bear won’t be returning while she’s there, and then I can get on with sending her stuff to her and with writing to her in a place where nobody knows my name. She enclosed a draft and that’s it.

I also got my fashion and gold shoe boots. The shoe boots are nothing more than another few bucks wasted. First, I had to cut the backs of them just to be able to slip them over the doll’s feet, then they looked all funny once I got them on.

As far as the fashion outfit goes, it all worked out okay, but I was pissed at first. That’s because Robin, the woman I bought Alex, Eve and this fashion from, told me that Gene outfits would fit Eve. Not quite. The back of the strapless gown has 3 snaps and not one could make it around Eve’s waist. She’s fatter, even though she’s an inch shorter than Tyler and her friends. Then I tried it on Alex and found I could snap all 3 snaps, but it was loose at the top where it goes above her boobs and under her arms. So, it ultimately ended up on Tyler. I could snap only the top snap, but it looks best on her and goes perfectly with her gold/pearl earrings. The very light blue gown has pearl teardrop beads, gold beads, gold threading, and gold stars. It’s very nice and I don’t regret getting it. It came with a chiffon scarf (I’m not using it or the gold boots) and a pearl necklace. I put Mei Li’s light pink strappy sandals on her for now till I can give her Sydney’s light blue ones to better match the outfit once I get that doll. I can see why I thought it looked white online when it’s really what they refer to as celestial blue. In regular daylight, it looks like the color it is, but at night, under my 60-watt office light, it looks almost like an eggshell white with a slight tinge of blue.

I know dolls may not be Mary’s cup of tea any more than women are, but I’ll sure have a lot of pictures to catch her up on by the time I get the bulk of her stuff sent to her.

Eve ended up in Tyler’s original business outfit – the black wool skirt and white blouse. Alex is in a satin cranberry robe which matches her lipstick and nail polish well. Mei Li’s just in her pale pink teddy.

I’m determined to get out of having to do CDs altogether. I’m having too many problems with it. I went to make new backups of my MP3s, thinking I was adding more and more songs to the CD till it was full, while it was really overwriting whatever was there before. I thought CD-Rs couldn’t do that and that that was only a CD-RW thing. Nonetheless, if all goes well, I’ll back all my stuff up onto my other computer’s hard drive. I don’t think even we could be so cursed as to have two hard drives fail at once. If I could do this, though, there’d be no need for CDs. The 5 things I’ll have on both drives will be my journals, my drawings, my journal cover scans, and my graphics and music. Then, if we get either a portable MP3 player for traveling or one in the truck, I can use my music CDs there.

Surprisingly, I didn’t sleep as long as I thought I would. I slept just under 8 hours after being up for just over 18, and sure enough, something woke me up for a second at 8-something. I don’t know what it was. I woke up a lot of times. It seems the Melatonin causes me to do that, so I think I’ll skip it tonight. Besides, my schedule doesn’t matter right now. In a couple of days, Tom will be on vacation, and he said he didn’t have a preference as to when I sleep. He’s going to be doing his own thing for the most part anyway. Things I can’t really help much with, like his cleaning his office for the millionth time so I can get in there to dust and vacuum. I expect he’ll just want to relax in front of the TV a lot, too.

We were crashing like crazy on the net, but lately it’s been fairly stable. We’re thinking it may have something to do with the static on the phone, but soon it’ll be gone anyway.

I’m also having trouble burning CDs and even more trouble getting them from my work computer to my MP3 computer, so we’re going to run a cable under the house so the MP3 computer can be connected to mine, his and the TV computer.

Mary finally filled a floppy up with her stuff, so I’ll be sending a disk to her aunt to hang onto as well as keeping one here. If we were killed in a car accident and the shadow men of Florida stole her book, she’d be out of luck, so it’s good to have her aunt have a backup, too. You never know, some guilty Myra-like character could get paranoid, thinking Mary’s writing all about her evil deeds and tear it up while she was at medical or wherever.

Anyway, we were both pretty tired when we got up. We could’ve slept another 2-4 hours between the two of us, but we’ll be okay. He got more sleep later on and I’ll sleep a good 10-11 hours when I crash (I hope).

Once again Scot was out. I saw some other guy instead. I guess Scot’s been sick, though who knows why he was out the last time, too. Damn, though! That will make a month and a half that I don’t see him, assuming he’s there on the 19th.

Just 15 more reports. Where the water was once flowing steadily, it’s winding down to a trickle now. Once we get down to 10, it’ll barely be dripping. Then 75% of my life will belong to God and 25% will belong to me, rather than 45% to God, 45% to the blacks and 10% to myself.

I managed to get Chris some shoes that fit. They’re 10s. They fit well enough anyway. They extend a little past her toes, but not too bad. They’re Barbie sandals I slipped over her socks that go well with her windbreaker and culottes.

We also got two palm trees! I’m glad to finally have them and to be adding color to this otherwise dull land. They’re now planted out front. I can see one from my office window and the other from the living room, the windows I see out of most. One’s a date palm I call Palma and the other’s a queen palm I refer to as Queenie. Palma’s definitely the better-looking one so far, healthier and fuller, though they’re both still quite young. The date palm is about 3’ high now and the queen’s about 5’. Queenie’s a bit droopy at this point. That one will grow 25’-40’ tall and Palma will make it up to 50’. They were $16 and $21.

Hopefully, everything we plant will survive. For a week or so we’ll be watering everything to get things stabilized. Between the palms is where the pond will go. I mentioned getting a cute little statue or figurine like people often do for ponds, and Tom had me cracking up when he asked if I’d get this one in particular he once saw of a little boy peeing. Now that would be a funny one. Then we could invite Mom and Mary over!

We still have plans to get junipers, bird of paradise and more oleanders and bougainvilleas, as well as some petunias for color in front since we’re doing the front up more for looks and the back for privacy, and we may even get a prickly pear cactus (saguaros are too expensive). You can make multiple plants from one prickly pear plant.

Sure enough, Tom did have to play fix it on his way home from work. He got a flat tire which he replaced in the bank’s parking lot. Because it caused him to be way late, he was able to stop at the PO as soon as they opened to get the mug which is exactly what I pictured it to be. It’s way nice, and after I get the Esme doll with micro braids (I still want to get her ASAP, even though they don’t expect her price to change soon), I’ll get the remaining 3 mugs I designed. I should have them sometime in April.

I also got stuff from the Humane Society, finally. They sent 15 address labels, though we won’t need them as much as we used to, and a notepad.

Mary annoyed me by enclosing a note to send to José in prison in Florida because I told her I wasn’t going to cater to her friends, but in light of the huge favor she’ll no doubt be willing to do me at the end of the year, I told her I did it, though in truth, and I know this is probably going to be one of the most dishonest, meanest things I’ll ever do, I ditched the letter. I’m not going to play messenger with some prisoner I don’t even know.

Anyway, I’m a bit tired today, thanks to the freeloaders and the damn DVD I so stupidly rented that’s got to be returned tomorrow by noon. We agreed to hang up the DVD renting, either in person or online and just get HBO which is way cheaper. I’m tired because I knew that if I let myself sleep till 1:00 like I could have today, I wouldn’t be able to go to bed early enough, nor would I be able to stay up late into the morning, either. I just worry they’re going to boom me awake an hour or two earlier than I’d like tomorrow. They were flying today and yesterday. Fortunately, they waited till after I got up, but they could boom by tomorrow at 8:30-9:00, and I don’t want to get up till 10:00. I’ll snooze till 10:15 or so, but by 11:15, we’ll be out the door. We won’t be able to see Scot till 1:00 which means we’ll have over an hour to kill. We’re going to be bored out of our minds. It’s not going to take us that long to buy two trees, a pair of shoes and a snack. Perhaps we ought to eat at a sit-down place.

It’s really cool to see all the different license plates on cars. Especially at this time of year.

The fashion that I plan to put Eve in, along with the gold shoe boots, were shipped today, and the site I got Mei Li from answered my question of how long they plan to have the Esme doll I want on sale. They said they don’t expect the price to change anytime soon, so in that case, I’ll have it by the end of this month, beginning of next.

We looked around and found there are a couple more options for fencing. There are a range fence and a hybrid fence we may end up getting which will be better than strands of barbed wire. It’d be an even better dog barrier. Due to all the rain we’ve had, digging should be easy enough so we shouldn’t have to rent an auger. In fact, planting our 2 new bougainvillea plants and our 3 new oleanders was a piece of cake. Yes, we’re finally doing it; getting/doing things we’ve wanted to for so long! It’s going to take a couple of years, but those rentals will certainly be out of sight sooner or later. We’re only going to hedge about 150’ in back if even that. Since we never hang out at the very edges of our property, for example, it makes no sense to bother hedging it. Just so we can’t see them from the house and like 30’-50’ at the sides. That way, we can have privacy when we get a pool that may be off to the side of the house. After this, we’ll do a little planting on the south side to give us a little more privacy from next door, though we already have quite a bit. Large trees block their house from our view unless we walk way out towards the road.

We’re planting just inside the back wash closest to the house. We’re thinking we’re going to split this property in half when we go to sell, so it should be a rather appealing feature.

Wednesday, before we see Scot, we’re going to pick up a date palm and a queen palm for in front. We decided to landscape the front and do it up really nicely. Even throw in some petunias and pansies and maybe some other colorful flowers, but not till we get the palms stable and growing well. I don’t care as much for white, yellow and orange flowers. Especially yellow and orange. I’ll be getting mostly pinks, reds, purples and a little white for its brightness. Of the 3 oleanders we have so far, one’s pink, one’s red and one’s white.

Though our hedges will consist mainly of bougainvillea and oleander plants, we may throw in some junipers in line with the kitchen window which is where we can see the renters the most. They’re boring as hell, they don’t bloom flowers, but they grow tall, wide and fast which is what we’re after.

Tom also got the pipes covered with enough dirt that not even the biggest dog could lift them. Next, he’ll put a layer of cement over them. We might even get some pavers at some point. They sell them in Walmart’s garden section which we were at today, not to get plants but to look around and get ideas and prices.

Instead, we got other things. A caramel ice cream bar, peach-scented lotion, socks for next winter (not Hanes which turned all holy in no time), a pink sports bra, daisy paper for Mary whose favorite flower is the daisy, a simple, easy-to-use recorder that uses regular-sized cassettes, something we still have around here, and a smashing Barbie outfit. Yes, it is quite dazzling. It’s a rock and roll outfit that even came with a little plastic guitar, not that I cared to save it. I just wanted the fashion. The low-cut pants are long and wide at the bottoms like bell bottoms, and the top’s a halter that’s shorter on one side than the other. It’s turquoise with purple glitter. It glimmers brilliantly as you move it in the light. It came with purple thick-soled pumps. Some of my dolls have nicer outfits than I do!

Mary was so right when she mentioned in one of her poems that one can be happy in a dungeon without money. Meaning, no, money’s not everything and I’d gladly give up all material things and live with my husband in a noisy dive if that’s what we had to do to stay together. Love really is the number one thing. However, if you do have money to spend on fun things, it sure is a nice added bonus.

As far as Chris goes, this time I measured that damn doll’s foot which is 7”. She’s a biggie! Wednesday, I plan to take a little tape measurer with me into the store. I saw these cute little Barbie sandals I hope to get her if they have any that are 7” long. I know I’ll find something, though.

Later…

Just got an email from Tom. I got two letters from Mary waiting for me and something to be picked up which we assume is the mug. If it is, that sure was faster than the Little Buddy mug we got before Christmas.

We have revised bed plans, too. Tom found a site that sells that memory foam, but not the mattress. Just a pad that goes on top of the bed. So, it looks like what we might do is buy new inner foam to replace the worn foam inside the mattress cover at the side, then get an additional bed frame, all of which are adjustable to either twin, queen or king size. In other words, we’re basically going to try to split this king-sized bed in half. The airbags are separate, so they can each go in twin-size beds. We’ll have to either modify or get new covers too, which the airbags go inside. So, hopefully they’ll be identical twin beds side by side. The only difference will be that mine will have the memory foam on top and his won’t.

Anyway, if we can stop having to play “fix it” so often, we just may get ahead with things. As it is, we’ve been crashing a lot when we go online. We’re doing different experiments to try to figure out why and it looks like his computer’s the one fouling things up. When his is powered up, we crash. But it’s been down all night and I’m still connected to the net.

And the breakage curse lives on. Yeah, it took out the car’s water hose this time around, so Tom can’t dump recyclables today. Instead, he’s gone to Casa Grande to get a new hose and drop off the DVD that’s due back today. Before we get the truck running well enough to be licensed, we’re gonna end up having to put a ton of money into the fucking car!

Tom’s worried we may not be able to get a title for the green one. They fucked up at the DMV and wrote this truck off as having been crushed so if they won’t title this truck Tom will have to pull everything out of the green one and put it in the white one which, of course, will mean more delays. He’d have to rent a lift to pull the engine out as it’s not something people can do with their bare hands.

The woman at the site I got Alex and Eve and now Eve’s dress and shoes from, says she plans to ship Monday and will email to confirm. That will mean the stuff will come Wednesday or Thursday this time around and not Saturday.

Our other stuff shipped a couple of days ago, but it’s coming by regular mail which means it’s hit or miss. It may take us a few tries to get it.

Webshots took the money Thursday night, so I should be getting the mug on Monday or Tuesday.

Later…

Wow, the renters may not be home. There’s not one vehicle over there.

Anyway, I called Carolyn to see if she knew anything about Justin, but then Tom found stuff online saying that he got 15 years, plus a lifetime of probation. Also, it could take anywhere from 2-6 weeks to extradite him.

So she left a message while I was taking a nap, saying she noticed my number on her Caller ID, even though I didn’t leave a message, and said she’d be home all night. So I decided to call her. She talks as much as Paula, barely letting me get a word in edgewise, though she sounded quite nice.

At first I was a little wary about Mary saving my letters, some of which Carolyn’s got, knowing anyone could read them. But then I figured it wouldn’t matter if they did. I wrote nothing wrong or bad in any kind of way.

She doesn’t know exactly when Mary will be leaving, but my guess is that yes, this is it. Sometime this month she should be gone. The sad part of it is that she doesn’t know anyone in Florida, so she won’t be having any visitors there. Carolyn said she thinks they’ll pay for Mary to return to Arizona upon her release, but I don’t think so. I’ve never heard of them paying for transfers, though I’m sure they’ll allow her to make the transfer. She said she’ll let me know the minute she learns that Mary’s gone, but as I warned her, 90% of the time we’re online, so she’ll probably get the machine. Although it’s true that we really are online a lot, I probably won’t answer if I see her number cuz I won’t want to gab for an hour with her. That’s why I told her to leave a message and since she loves to talk, I’m sure she’ll have no problem with that.

She too, learned the hard way that the media’s never a friend, just like Misery had told me. She said all they do is twist her words. “Oh yeah,” I told her. “If you say pink, they’ll print blue.”

She surprised me by saying that she sent those bookmarks and religious things to jail. I thought she got them inside the jail. See, we can’t send stamps, we can’t send money, so this was why I automatically assumed that bookmarks and pamphlets were a no-no. If I’d known they were okay to send, I wouldn’t have sent them to Carolyn, but Mary never objected when I first mentioned my hesitancy in sending things that weren’t pictures or that were of odd sizes or that had multiple pictures like the religious pamphlet did.

She asked if I were Catholic and I told her I didn’t follow/practice any religion, and then went on to explain to me about a picture of the Virgin Mary with knives in her representing the sorrow she endured when Jesus was killed. Well, she sent this picture to Mary, but it got returned to her as “inappropriate.” We both had to laugh about that one.

She mentioned Mary’s mom being coo-coo with guilt which is good. I mean, it’s good that she recognizes she did wrong, but I don’t know if that’d necessarily mean it’d be a good idea for Mary to live with her. We both agreed Mary’s only faults are her poor taste in men and her running like she did, but at least Mary’s learned from it all. I hope so anyway, but we’ll find out by what guys she takes up with when she’s free.

She surprised me by saying that as much as she hated to admit it, Derek’s a good father despite the horrible way he treated Mary. The reason I was surprised was that usually, if it abuses the girlfriend/wife, it abuses the kids, too.

We also talked about Todd’s burning Mary and Michelle’s silent treatment. She too, tried to get Mary to stop writing Michelle, but as I reminded her, she was trying to get those pictures back of Gretchen that Todd has. Speaking of Todd, I learned something new about Todd too, though I don’t know why Mary didn’t tell me this herself. Maybe because she knew I’d chastise her for associating with him. Well, he supposedly spent 5 years in jail after being implicated in a robbery/murder in which charges were dropped. He’s still on probation, though I’m not sure for what. Anyway, as Carolyn was saying, and I totally agree with this, it could very well only be a matter of time before he gets picked up for something else. Something that could pull Mary down with him. See, I’m just not sure Mary gets it. I’m afraid that just like Paula, she might not break her old habits. Like I said before, it’s what she’s attracted to, not just what she attracts. She probably doesn’t even know it and would deny it if you even so much as suggested it to her, but she likes abusive men. It may terrify her, it may hurt her, but at the same time, she likes being punched, she likes being kicked, and she likes being called a worthless whore. It’s as sick as it is sad, but some people really truly do have this illness that attracts them to shit like that. In the end, though, it’s her life and she’s going to have to be the one to decide who she hangs with.

I was way surprised to hear her say that Texas and Florida are the two strictest states. Supposedly she got this from a cousin of hers who’s a sheriff in Texas. I thought the worst two were Texas and Arizona. Either way, I know firsthand that Arizona’s bad enough.

She said Mary constantly speaks quite highly of me, which was nice to hear. Mary’s so right when she says that you can know someone for years and think you know them inside and out, then they turn on you or dump you. This is why I tell myself, “I’ll enjoy the time Mary and I are friends,” rather than, “We’ll be friends forever,” cuz Mary may very well decide someday not to associate with me. If she does, she does, but meanwhile, I won’t be going anywhere. It’d take a lot for me to dump her. As long as I’m not pestered with the 1-3 visits a week I used to enjoy, or expected to gab by phone for hours, I see no reason to dump her. I’ve already told her we don’t like to have a lot of company and that I’m not the phoneaholic I was in my 20s.

The poor girl had to ride on the same bus with Monster, who said to her, “Mary, you were right. I should’ve listened to you all along,” whatever that means. Mary said she ignored him while some other girl yelled out, “Shut up, you monster!” Also, Mary gave a beautiful speech in court. She has a video with news clips on it, all of which I have yet to see.

Lastly, she doesn’t seem any more thrilled with her neighbor, a drunken guy. Something about him breaking her van window with a weed whacker that he’s too poor to pay for. She’d be too scared living in a rural, snake-infested place, though, she said, and of course, her husband Rick is quite ill.

As far as the car goes, we ended up both blessed and cursed. He never would’ve made it to Casa Grande and had to stop in Stanfield where there was just one more water hose left. Had the problem been what he originally thought it was, it would’ve cost $130 instead of $30, and that’s all well and good, but it’d be even nicer if our shit could stop breaking so much. He even had to stop and play phone at one point. He said there was tons of static so he went outside and wiggled wires around. It was fine when I spoke with Carolyn, though. We might each get our own cell phones and get rid of the regular phone altogether so we won’t have to deal with power outages, etc. If the number changes, I’ll give it to Mary and Carolyn, but I don’t know about Paula. Maybe it’ll prompt her to write for real if I don’t just like it did when we moved from Phoenix.

This has certainly been a wet winter! This is the fourth rainy/cloudy day in a row. Even so, we managed to bomb yesterday, so I feel a lot better.

We didn’t think to pick up fencing supplies, but we did rent a handful of DVDs. We’re not sure yet if we’re going to rent from Blockbuster, get an online membership, or order HBO.

If Scot doesn’t show up within the next 4 hours, then we’ll have skipped yet another month. At this point, I still think August 8th was his last visit. I just wish I’d known it and known that the test would be as easy as it was, as it would’ve taken a lot of stress off of me, but it seems upstairs’ favorite pastime for me is to see me get all worked up and worried for nothing.

Got two letters from Mary yesterday. She basically said not to fret over Teddy Bear (oh, believe me, I’m not) and that she plans to speak out on Andrew’s behalf at the sentencing which is today. I’ll look online later on to see what I can find.

Also, my theory was right; it was Chavez filling Mary in on TB. I got a kick out of how she said she wished TB would be transferred back there so she could make her wish she’d never been born. I’m sure she would, too! Anyway, if there are more delays, I’ll send Teddy Bear’s letter in for Chavez to give to her, now that I know it’s Chavez, someone I got along with well enough and think I can trust. After all, she passed kites between me and that bitch Hope.

If not, Tom and I agreed to ask Mary if she could mail it for me. Tom said, “I agree with you. If they’re going to pull any more stunts, it’ll be right before or after the probation ends, so don’t give them any ammunition.”

Also, it’d be risky having Mary send it now as I’m not supposed to associate with her. This is why we agree it’d be best and much less risky to have her mail it for me after 10/30, cuz if they happen to notice I’ve been pen pals with her all along, though I doubt they will, it’ll be too late to violate me. Also, if it comes from Mary, it’ll look less vengeful because, in truth, I don’t want to deliberately set out to get TB fired. If that happens, it happens, but my number one goal is to give her a piece of my mind. I know it won’t change anything. Still, I want her to know how much she hurt me. Maybe she won’t be so quick to toy with people’s hearts and make her damn false promises in the future! Anyway, if Mary agrees to do this I’ll send her the letter, the address, and a note containing what to say. I thought she could make it simple and say, “This is a letter Jodi sent me to give you if you returned to Estrella while I was still there. She didn’t want to mail it to you directly because she didn’t want to get you in trouble.” Then she can add whatever else she wants to add to it as long as it’s not something like, “I’m going to kill you if I ever see you,” but I know Mary knows better than that. She can just scold her for hurting me and let her know that we both thought she should have a piece of my mind anyway.

Tom has a point when he said that me sending the letter directly to Teddy Bear right after I get off probation could look vengeful and like I’m just getting back at people, but with Mary sending it saying I had wanted her to give it to her if she saw her, it won’t look so bad.

Doing it this way will mean sending only one copy, of course, and I hope she’ll get to read every word of it before the sergeant seizes it, if she/he does. Maybe I should have Mary add a note to whoever opens the letter, asking to please be sure that she does get to read it, even if it ends up with the sergeant.

Lastly, she says I do a good job with fantasy writing.

Later on, after Tom gets up, we’re going to order that gown for Eve, plus gold shoe boots to go with it. Then, I’ll save up $75 as fast as I can and hope the Esme urban sport doll with the micro braids is still on sale. If not, I’ll continue saving till I have $110, and get the Esme mesmerizing doll. I’ll eventually get Sydney too, so I can have the entire line in that series.

Later…

As I sit here and type up a clip of Mary’s all about how Justin and his buddy used to rob girls they dated, it never ceases to amaze me how stupid she was. I mean, she had to have known about this long before they were taken into custody. Probably before they got all that serious with each other, which should have been enough right there to tell her what she was dealing with. In this day and age, Mary may be more intelligent than most people, especially her age, but her past stupidity makes my dumbest moves seem not so dumb after all. God knows I have a lot of regrets. There are so many things I said and did that I wish I didn’t, and so many things I didn’t say and do that I wish I did, yet Mary makes my most naïve years seem like I was a mature genius. The question is, how many more years would she have hung onto Justin if they’d never been captured? Till she had more kids killed by him? Till she was killed? It’s so sick and so sad. I mean, she describes the beatings and verbal abuse as utterly terrifying, yet a part of her must’ve liked it in a sick, twisted sort of way to have put up with it for so long. It’s not like she was trapped. There were people she could’ve gone to. They too may’ve had their problems, but none nearly as bad as Justin’s.

I once heard someone say that it makes no sense to believe in life and survival if you don’t believe in death and killing, and that’s so true. She should’ve shot him dead and then run like hell without ever looking back, just in case the pigs decided to charge her with murder and not self-defense. One can cry self-defense, but whether it’s true or not, it’s hit or miss as to whether or not that’s what the incident will be labeled as. I wouldn’t take my chances. Nonetheless, dogs kill people twice their size/weight, and so can people and I think that’s exactly what she should’ve done before things got so far out of hand. Animals kill other animals in order to survive, and if we people are technically animals too, then we should kill when it means protecting our own lives or those of our offspring if we have any.

She liked it. She definitely liked being abused. Same with Paula and Tammy who would no doubt be miserable today all over again, wishing she’d never married Mark, realizing just how similar he is to Dick and Bill, yet deep down, perhaps in a subconscious way, getting off on it, destined to find one Dick, Bill and Mark after another.

As for Paula – she could beat the shit out of 80% of the population which is part of what tells me she’s an abuse junkie, too. That and the fact that she keeps getting the same types. Abusers may be all someone like her could attract, but that doesn’t mean she has to keep saying yes to them unless she likes/wants what she’s in for.

Also, the way Justin treats men versus women makes me think he’s gay. Though he’s probably the type to never admit it or act on it, I think deep down he prefers male company what with the way Mary’s described him. His personality sounds like a true sexist, and most sexists, such as myself (with the exception of Tom and a few others) are gay. Just the way he’s all happy and cheery with guys while he’s abusive and disrespectful to women tells me this.

Another fun day of shopping. Almost. We were going to buy DVDs online. They have this thing where you get them in the mail, enclosed with postage-paid envelopes to mail them back in, but since it’s $20 a month, we decided to check out a store in Casa Grande before we commit to any memberships. Especially when I’m not big on TV in the first place. I’m very picky about what I watch. It takes a lot to interest and entertain me, whereas most people will watch just about anything. In fact, we may bump the bombing up to tomorrow instead of next Monday and maybe check out a store while we’re doing that. We’ll carry the bitch in her cage, put it on the truck, and cover it with a sheet, and the guys will go with us in a tank.

I’ve worked very, very little on my story since I first began it. I just can’t think of exciting things to add to the story while we get to know each other, get it on, etc. Oh, well. There’s no hurry. If I think of more to add to it, I will. If not, I won’t.

I was right about Tom being against the Teddy Bear letter. He feels the pigs will use it to frame me or cause some kind of trouble for me, and that it’ll also get her fired. I don’t know about getting her fired, but I doubt the pigs would use it against me. This is an entirely different situation than me being handed a threatening letter by a black pig who was friends with the “victim,” also a black.

On the other hand, I never would’ve thought that a molehill could turn into a mountain and that I’d be sent to jail for half a year for a supposed letter either, so you never do know. I don’t want Tom to be all paranoid, and also, letting TB know how I feel, as nice as that would’ve been, could never change things and isn’t worth the possible risks, no matter how low they may be.

I’ll just tell Mary to tell the DO who knows her that she’s a real jerk for leading me on and breaking my heart by not seeing me just as soon as I hear of the next delay.

No, I’ll do better than that. I’ll send the letter to Mary to give the DO to give to TB. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, and now I want there to be another delay. Watch, though. Now that I’ve made up my mind to do this she really will leave this time around.

Since we agreed to go with barbed wire, and since Tom drives by hardware stores on the way to work, he’s going to start getting things little by little. A bushel of posts here and a bushel there, etc.

Now that the blacks are done with us on the home front, and since we rarely get people bugging us here, perhaps we won’t bother locking the gate. We’ll put signs out when expecting packages, telling them to leave them at the gate. Tom will talk to APS too, to see if we should do our own meter readings or what.

We’re probably not going to call a surveyor out to tell us the exact property lines as it’s pretty expensive and not worth the money when we can pretty much figure it out on our own. We may need to rent a chainsaw when we’re installing the fences to cut through the heavier brush around the washes, and maybe an auger as well. We need to pour in cement to steady the posts first, but we may not have to cement them all. Maybe just every other one. There are going to be about 120 posts in all and they’ll be 10’–12’ apart.

Tom was doing the puzzle I made for him, and naturally, he was doing it in slow motion. He made me one today with computer-related words, and of course I had it done in no time. I’m as great with word finds as I am lousy with crosswords.

Webshots still hasn’t taken the money for the mug, so that tells me I may be in for the same 2-week wait I was in for with Little Buddy’s mug before Christmas, but that’s ok. It won’t kill me to wait. Besides, it’s coming priority mail. Webshots is so huge that I can imagine just how many orders a day they must get on mugs alone!

Got quite a bit of updating to do. Most of it’s good, some of it is scary.

I was sitting at my computer last night when instantly, like a light switch, the spider vibes came on. I started at the north end of the house and worked my way down. Upon stepping into the little bathroom, the feeling intensified. I peered into the shower stall and there it was. This one was about an inch and a half. So I turned on the hot water and flushed it down the drain. At least that’s what I think I did. However, when Tom was up earlier today, I noticed what appeared to be a leg protruding from under the saucer we’ve had over the drain, but Tom insisted it was a scratch. Well, it wasn’t a scratch so we saw when he lifted the saucer. It was dead, but it was a spider. The question is, though, was it the same spider that survived long enough after I flushed it down by clinging to the side of the drain before coming back up to die? Or did it come up either the sink drain he forgot to close or the vent? The protruding leg didn’t exist earlier in the day or else I think I’d have noticed it. Either way, I said, that’s it. We’ve got to do something. So I cut pieces of screen and put them under the vents. They don’t make the perfect seal, but if these things are coming from the vents, it should definitely help. Tom still thinks the drains are the likely place. If that’s true, and I hope it is, whatever may be left living in them should be dead soon enough. Still, we’re going to bomb next week when he’s on vacation, and we also ordered vent filters from a catalog that might seal them up even better, along with making it better for allergies. That’s its main purpose, along with keeping things from falling down the vents, though that’s not a problem for us.

We actually did quite a bit of shopping today. We bought the 2-way satellite system for nearly $500. Someone will be out next week to install it.

Plus, we also treated ourselves to odds and ends from an online catalog. I got a bushel of pink scented roses, pink slippers, an ear wax removal thing to hopefully clean my fake canal, blind cleaners that will let you clean up to 6 slats at a time, a map of the US with slots to put the state quarters I’ve been saving, and a cheap $10 pair of pedals to use until they break, too. I should still jog, though. It works my muscles and heart harder, even though I know I’ll never be under 120 again in my life. Maybe not even under 125! I did lose 2 of the 3 pounds I gained, though, I know they’ll be back and that there’s no point in getting excited about it.

Tom got the truck running and even drove it around the land for a while. It still smokes a bit, though.

There are more things to write about, but I’m getting a little tired and have every PMS symptom in the book that’s physical. Fortunately, I don’t get the mental part of it these days, but right now I’ve got a backache and I feel like a water balloon.

Later…

I guess I’ll write some more. I’m not ready for bed or in the mood to do anything else. My tits are too sore to go jogging. Even with a good bra they still bounce somewhat. I miss my little mosquito bites instead of these 37” things!

Tom said that next month will be our final Bowflex payment, then we’ll never have to write another check again since we’re now paying all our bills online. That’s good since we don’t have address labels, and that way I can use all the stamps on Mary.

Tom pointed out that since the new house is about twice as far as the one that’s two properties across from next door, that house is probably 4 properties away which does make sense. That’d make it about 3,500 feet away. Still close enough to hear music in the open desert. Tom said he could hear what sounded like a worker’s radio coming from over there, but of course, I didn’t hear it in the house. It would have to be basey, like in a car stereo, to be heard in the house. I doubt I’ll hear their dogs in the house, but outside I might.

It’s been cool, windy and rainy which is part of what’s stirring up the spiders.

Anyway, Tom picked up my dolls yesterday, and I was wrong again. This is definitely Alex. I’d recognize the face anywhere. She’s also definitely black and definitely a redhead, and as funny as that combination may sound, it actually looks good on her. She has brown eyes and came with a green jewel in her belly button which I thought was a great idea and I glued a diamond in one of the Playboy doll’s belly buttons. Her legs, though, are kind of odd. They cross at the ankles if you have her in an upright position and spread outward in a seated position. She doesn’t have bending legs, though (she pivots at the waist), so she’ll always be standing. I have her leaning back with her legs crossed in a casual pose. Another thing is her wide crotch. It looks a bit odd, especially with her ankles crossed. To hide this, since her gold and white coat, which looks great on her in contrast with her dark skin, is rather open in front, I made a little skirt from an old black knit shirt. All in all, she’s a really nice doll. Nicer than Eve.

Eve’s just so-so. I didn’t realize her hair was as short as it is, but her brown hair is barely below chin level. It’s stylish, but I do prefer long hair. Her face is so-so. She has brown eyes and bendable legs. If I could, I’d either never have gotten her or I’d sell her for $20, but since neither is possible, I think I’ll make the best of her and buy her this really nice outfit from the site I bought her from for $15. Never have I found such a cheap site and I wish there were more like it! Anyway, all I have for her to wear right now is the cranberry satin Playboy robe that came with Karen.

As my luck would have it, both their stands are too tall for them. Their feet are a ½ inch above the bases. However, I’m using one of them for Karen who was never as steady on her own as Victoria is.

I decided not to bother getting any more Eve dolls, but I am considering adding the blond Barbie with the red hair tips and red gown that’s utterly gorgeous to my list. I doubt I’ll bother with Diva.

Last night we ordered the mug with Joy and Bailey’s pictures on it.

I just finished up some stuff for Mary. That visualization thing. I swear she must’ve copied the whole book! I was delighted to hear there’s no library in the Florida jail, though she’ll just write more poems and stories to make up for it. She loves to write! It’s not like she has much else to do anyway, and for someone who also loves to write and spent enough time locked in a cell as well, I can understand the constant need to write anything and everything. I just hope she doesn’t pester me about looking for stuff online or in stores to copy for her.

Paula left a message saying she got an additional year of probation and has two more cases pending. I still sense jail at some point, though.

She never said anything about the CD which kind of irks me. The least she could’ve done was let me know if she got it and if she had any problems with it or not.

Yesterday I asked Tom, “Why don’t you just call up Dave, tell him we’re just not sure when we’re going to get the truck running, and ask if he’d haul in the fences while we still have the money for them?”

Then he came out and told me that now that we’ve agreed to go with barbed wire, we can haul the stuff in the car, and I was like, well then what are we waiting for? Let’s get the show on the road once and for all.

I still have mixed emotions about us sleeping together. I still have no desire to get it on with him, nor do I want to have the desire to get it on with him. I don’t want it to be like it was in the beginning with me always wanting it while he’s full of excuses – he’s tired, he’s sick, he’s sore, etc. It really sucks to want someone with a barely existent appetite, just like it sucks to have someone smothering you all the time.

As for him, he still shows zero signs of desire himself, only he’d never admit that. Instead, he’ll blame either circumstances or me, even if it’s indirectly. Sometimes circumstances, fate, and other people really do prevent us from doing things, but there’s no reason, despite how busy we can be, for us not to get together unless neither of us is interested, and it really bothers me that he won’t admit his part in the lack of interest. There’s nothing to say I’m wrong about his not being interested, and I still believe I’m right when I said he also couldn’t admit his lack of interest in a kid. Yesterday, Little Fella was hounding me for attention. I made the comment to him as he sat on my shoulder that part of why I decided I didn’t want a kid was so that I could have a life and do things, and out of the corner of my eye I could clearly see Tom turn his head away as if to say, “I do not want to hear that subject.”

If I ever feel the need to “get it on” with someone again in my life, it’ll be with a woman with no strings attached. Meaning, it may be a good thing if she herself was attached. Tom is who I love, just not who I lust.

Supposedly, the latest story with the truck title is that it got mixed up or something like that and the guy claims he’ll get it squared away with the DMV, then leave it inside the white truck once he gets it, but I know he’s just telling stories. Why can’t people just say so when they don’t want to do something?!

In just two days I’ve gained 3 pounds, and of course, it could never be the other way around. I could never lose 3 pounds in two days. Because I was stuck for a couple of days and am due for my period, I’d like to think that maybe it’s water retention, but I don’t know. I don’t need much of a reason to gain weight.

I remember Mary once said in one of her letters to me how she had to work for her abs and for her overall appearance, but at least she gets results from her hard work while I work so hard for so little. I lose a few measly pounds that I have to struggle like hell to keep off, and that’s it. Meanwhile, no matter how much muscle I may build, it’s always smothered in globs of fat I know I could never lose unless I was sent to one of Hitler’s old concentration camps and starved.

I’m sending the last Estrella letter to Mary this week till she contacts me about the millionth delay.

Also, since she didn’t object, I’ll be sending questionable items to her aunt to hang onto that I don’t want to mail to jail.

Little Fella’s obsessed with me. Rats are supposed to be nocturnal, but unlike his roommate who sleeps most of the day, he’s always up wanting to come out, run around and explore, and get attention from me. He still loves to climb all over me.

A few more pictures of me were downloaded from my albums. Later on, we’ll order a mug from this site. Assuming I like it, I’ll order a few more, then get back to the dolls I want. I still may get basic Eve. The one dressed in a business outfit is similar though still different from Tyler’s. It’s a really nice doll. I pretty much only got the ones I should be getting tomorrow cuz it was the only site that had such a wonderful deal. I’m sure I’ll still like them, though. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten them. However, Business Eve and Saffron Sunset Eve will be much nicer. That’s why they cost so much more.

Anyway, I’m hoping the mug will arrive sooner than two weeks. The Little Buddy mug took that long because we ordered it right before Christmas. At least, I think that’s why it did. We’ll find out.

What is this black history month shit they’ve been advertising all month on my radio? That was supposed to be last month. It’s like every month is blackie month! Black this, black that, black everything!

Today’s the day Tom will be going on the roof to hopefully screen off the drainpipes with no problem. At least we haven’t seen any 6” spiders out here or those giant cockroaches. Tom says the cockroaches aren’t native to Arizona, so we shouldn’t see them out here. I often chide myself for being scared of something so much smaller than me, yet if a giant man came after me, I wouldn’t be scared, I’d be furious.

Tom almost got the truck running yesterday, but because of a cable he had disconnected earlier, he couldn’t get it started because he couldn’t remember which cable it was.

The CD player wasn’t broken. As it turned out, it was trying to read music burned at too high of a speed which is too fast for this 20x player. My burner/player in the office is 48x. I had been burning at 24x, but now I’ll burn at 12x like Tom used to.

Well, I saw the end last night in my sleep, so it looks like yes, everything will be ok. I dreamt of my final meeting with the cheeks. What’s scary, though, is as Teddy Bear taught me, the people you least expect to can suddenly turn on you. All he’d have to do is rip up and destroy my report sheet and claim I skipped. I doubt he’d do this, but it’s just as scary to know that sometimes people we barely know can have just as much of a hold on us as those we know really well.

I still have conflicting emotions about Teddy Bear. A part of me says, do it. Send the letter and get her fired. You’re the one that always bitches about how you can’t fight back against those who’ve fucked with you, yet here’s your chance.

However, I don’t want to get her fired which I can’t imagine being the case anyway. I just want her to know how I feel, even if it won’t change a thing.

A part of me still longs for her, as crazy as it may sound. Meaning, as much as I’ve come to dislike her for what she’s done to me and probably countless others, I’d probably be dumb enough to see her if she suddenly wanted to, though I know she never will.

I just can’t believe how wrong I was about her! I never would’ve thought in a million years I’d be just a game to her and that she’d be such a liar. She should go to bars if she wants to tell people she’ll see them that she knows she won’t. Meanwhile, if she’s got to flirt, can’t she do it without leading people on and making false promises?

There I was thinking she was the relationship type but had I met her under other circumstances and ended up getting together with her, it would’ve turned out to be nothing more than a one-night stand.

Even though it’s against my better judgment since kilns are simple with just a heating coil and since I’ve never had an oven break, I’ll get the damn kiln. One serious problem, though, and it’s gone. I’m not going against God and trying to do things he doesn’t want me to do only to end up punished for it.

Tom did the right thing by fighting to get our house payments lowered, but I still worry about what might happen to us for it. Remember, all it took was for me to look Jewish and lodge a city complaint to get thrown in jail. Along with being dumb enough to touch something a pig handed me. If prints could be moved/copied, I’d never send the Halloween letter, but I sent Tom a pretty Webshots postcard and asked him a few questions about it anyway. That way he can read it at his leisure. I asked if he thought it could get her fired and if he thought anything could happen to me for it, and if so, what. He’s even more cautious and paranoid than I am, so he may tell me something could happen.

Yeah, something could happen to me just for breathing. Nonetheless, I’ll take till Halloween to think about it and decide: do I take my chances and say what I’ve got to say? Or do I keep my mouth shut based on what-ifs?

Later…

I really hope the dolls are there by tomorrow as I just went to check to see if they’re still selling (they are) and there was a notice from the owner of that site/store saying that her mom died, so she’ll get to pending orders ASAP.

Later…

The good news is that the drainpipes are now screened off. There were 3 of them. One in the small bath and two in the big bath. Since we don’t know if anything is living in the part of the pipe between the water and the opening, we’re going to keep the drains blocked in here for about a week, giving whatever may be in there time to starve off.

The bad news is that he’s completely stumped with the truck. He knows what the problem is, but can’t find it. And something’s not trying to get in our way? Right!

At least there’s more good news. I downloaded a really cool program that lets you make your own word-find puzzles. I had something like this back in the old house and thought it’d be a really neat thing to share with Mary. I sent her a puzzle with names/words either one of us or both of us can relate to. If she likes it, I’ll send more, wherever she is.

I even printed out one for Tom with doll names, and one for his mom and Paula, too.

Kelly picked up my postcard yesterday but didn’t respond, so that tells me she doesn’t wish to be pen pals with me which is ok. Being pen pals with Mary is enough. I got some drafts from her today, but she still hasn’t answered my question about what else was going on with TB. I don’t know why she doesn’t always answer my questions. Doesn’t she scan through my letters when she responds to me? I just hope she’s getting all my letters. I worry about that when I don’t get answers to some of my questions.

My calves are a little sore still. I didn’t realize just how little the pedaling was doing for me. Jogging, as boring as it is, really does work the muscles and the heart more. So, losing the pedals was no biggie after all. Just the $70 we’re out, but you know God loves to see us lose money! He’s probably up there right now trying to figure out how to break me. It seems I have had all kinds of interruptions and interference over the last few years of working out. Especially since we got the Bowflex. What? Does he want me to sit on my ass and get gigantic? Well, I ain’t no skinny-mini. I’m still a pretty plump girl even though I’m now down to 125. That’s mainly cuz of yesterday’s water pill. Of course, I won’t shit today either.

So I’ve lost 8 pounds in 7 weeks. I don’t think I can get down to 105-110, but maybe to 115-120, though I still doubt it. It’d still be nice if I could drop under 125 at least a little as that’s when I really start seeing a difference in how I look and feeling a difference, too. It’s easier to get around under 125. I’m more flexible.

No nocturnal nightmares so far tonight. I’m sure they’re just outside the door, though, screaming, “Let us in! We know you’re alone in there!”

Got my shipment confirmation, so that’s good. They were shipped yesterday morning. From where I don’t know, but priority mail is supposed to be 2-3 days anywhere in the US, so it doesn’t matter. Hopefully, they’ll arrive without a problem.

Tom got his tools and installed my new mouse. It’s way better. The only thing I don’t like is the bumpy roller wheel. I can certainly live with it, though, as opposed to the jerky junk I was using before.

Soon, I’ll get Mary’s draft out of the way so I can give Kate my undivided attention.

Later…

Guess I’ll bitch about the latest thing of ours to break till the dogs come to bark over the pipes.

The fucking CD player in my MP3 station’s now broken! The biggest non-believer of curses in the world couldn’t deny we have a breakage curse on us. Tom has another one he can install, but this is fucking ridiculous. He said that at least we have the money to buy all this stuff, but what’s the point? Why have money to buy stuff that’s just going to break? There’s no way I’m getting a kiln with the way our shit breaks. I even wanted to forget about the recorder, but Tom said we’d only be out $15 if that broke. Perhaps I’ll get that, but no kiln. Besides, making dolls is such a hard, complicated thing. That’s why they’re so expensive. I don’t think I could learn all there is to learn to be a good dollmaker.

Speaking of complicated, I’m not watching this damn TV anymore either. Not with the way he’s got it set up. I expected it to be better and easier, but instead it’s enormously complicated and there’s always a problem. TV is no big deal to me, though, like music, writing and reading are, so it’s no big loss. He said we could rent DVDs and that he’d make a Dead Zone and Charlie’s Angels library for me to create stills out of, and that’s fine. As long as he’s the one dealing with it and not me.

Got up at 9:30 PM, about two hours before I’d have liked to, and my day has not been off to a great start. If there’s one area in psychism I’m just about 100% accurate with, it’s sensing the spiders. The moment I got up and stepped out of the bedroom, I had that all-too-familiar sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, telling me a nocturnal nightmare awaited me somewhere within this 2,100-square-foot house. I figured, why shouldn’t there be? I’m alone, after all.

I checked my bath. Nothing. I checked the kitchen, another favorite place for the damn things to hang out. Nothing. That left one more hot spot, though I wasn’t awake enough yet to think about it. Instead, I had my coffee, fed the animals, fired up my PC – the usual things I do upon waking up.

An hour later it was shower time. I stepped into the stall in the small bath, looked up at the ceiling, and there it was, my nighttime terrorist. I flew out of the shower stall and ran for the Raid. I sprayed at it, but it was useless. It was too high up and I was too short. Noticing the thing was barely a foot from being over the shower stall, I decided to grab the broom and try my best to swat it into the shower and I did, only I couldn’t see it! I beat the broom hoping it was just hung up on it, reached in and turned on the hot water. Still no spider. Even if it was curled up, I knew I should see something that big. Then I spotted it on the sunken ledge by his shampoo, stepped in, yanked the shower massage off the hook and scalded it down the drain.

I am so sick of these terrifying creatures! It isn’t just that they’re so big in diameter that scares the shit out of me, it’s their thickness as well. Assuming that they are coming up through the drains, I’m now going to get us both in the habit of keeping all the drains plugged when we’re not using them, except for the kitchen and washer. I’ve got upside-down saucers blocking the showers and stoppers plugging up the bathroom sinks and tub.

I just hope to hell they’re not coming up through the vents. I wish Tom could get up on the roof and put screens over the drainpipes and under or over the vents! Better yet, I wish he could just shove the whole house inside a giant Ziploc bag!

I’ve seen bigger than this one which was a little over an inch in diameter, but its fat body and legs were enough to make my heart jump so fast that if it could move, it would have been all the way back in Phoenix by the time I got the thing down the drain. And of course, now I’m all willied out. I have the creeps for the remainder of the day after spotting one of these things. I see them everywhere. On the walls, on the ceilings, in the cabinets, on the dolls, in the fridge, in the microwave.

I swear I will never have under-the-house ductwork again! If we don’t get rich off this place by the time he’s 55, then I just may very well be ready to go to a retirement community and listen to granny’s yipping poodle to the left, and grandpa’s screaming grandkids to the right. Better that than these terrifying creatures. Hell, I’d rather the old welfare bum pull up alongside the house with its bass thumping wildly, cuz then all I’d have to do is go out and break its neck like I should’ve nearly 7 years ago.

To make matters worse, my calves are on fire today after yesterday’s 5-song jogging spree (this tells me the pedals weren’t working my calves as hard as I thought they were) and all while I couldn’t find the thing, I’m jogging for fear of it taking me by surprise and running over my foot. Now my calves will be sore for a year!

We’re going to report first thing, then hit Walmart and Office Max. The cylinder head came yesterday after I went to bed (I never heard a thing, although he could’ve flown outside before the driver got a chance to knock), so Tom needs to get oil and other things.

My story’s going well, though I don’t know how far I’ll take it. I’m just writing whatever I feel like writing like Mary does. I started off with anonymous narration, but that was too hard cuz of the years of doing journals. I just couldn’t break the I, me, we, us, our habit, so I’m doing it in the first person.

Later…

Poor Tom. He got in at 4:30, and thanks to the blacks, he can only sleep till 7:15 (we’re leaving at 7:30). Someday. Someday the blacks won’t own us and dictate when we sleep, where we go, etc. I’m going to be pretty beat myself when we get in, thanks to them, as I’ll have been up for quite a while by then.

I toyed with the idea of telling the cheeks to tell his little friends at the courthouse that if I hear so much as one more word pertaining to this shit after 10/30, I’ll file the biggest lawsuit imaginable, hoping it would cause the arrogant corruptos to rise to the bait so I could catch them in their own fuck-ups now that I know the laws, and end up really rich. However, I’d really rather not play any more games after 10/30 with this state unless they force me to. I need to get on with my life, even if that means getting on to new problems as well. Besides, like most people, I don’t threaten, I just do. Anyone with half a brain knows that 90% of those who make threats of whatever kind are just blowing off steam. Those with true intentions almost always act without warning. I don’t need to make threats or give this state an ultimatum. Instead, I’ll let the ball be in their “court.” If they mean it this time about dropping it on 10/30, so will I. If not, I’ll either fight back the right way this time and win, or I’ll run and not give them the time of day.

I asked Tom, and he said going up on the roof, screening off and clamping the drainpipes should be no problem. It’ll be his first time up there. Better for this than to replace an old roof!

Not that I’d change my ways if they could, but I sometimes wonder if the renters can hear my music blasting at night. They gotta have single-paned windows in that old junker they live in. If they can hear it, they’re not reacting like most Arizonans would. See, in the East, you complain about your neighbor’s loud music. Here, you just turn yours up louder.

I got a letter from Mary with a draft she said to try not to have a hernia over (I haven’t gone over it yet) and let me know she’d pass any messages I may have for Teddy Bear to this DO (she doesn’t think I know her) to give to her. I told her thanks, but no thanks. If I sent in my letter for her to give Johnson, she may not do so. I want to send the letter directly to her so I can know for sure she gets it. As I asked Mary, though, how’s this DO in contact so often with Johnson if they’re working in different jails? Are they friends? Lovers? What?

I started getting cold feet about the letter idea, and told myself, don’t send this letter. Complaining is what got you in so much trouble in the first place, and this was complaining about someone who knew a pig. Now you want to take your complaint directly to a pig? You could be setting yourself up for your next long-term problem!

Now I’m not sure what to do. Do I take my chances with an officer already known to do what I’ll be talking about in my letter and who’s the same color, or do I continue to let it go?

They can’t transfer my prints; that much I do know. She couldn’t set me up by lifting my prints off the letter, smashing a window in her place, moving or copying my prints to the window casing, and then claiming I broke in.

And what if I get her fired? A part of me still worries about that. I don’t want to trash her life for doing what she did to me, not that she couldn’t get work elsewhere, even if she might not like it as much or get as much money. She broke my heart, not every bone in my body. On the other hand, I know better. County and government workers and very hard to get fired. She may be questioned, but that’s about as far as it’ll go, and no, I can’t imagine her coming and shooting me for it. Of course, I also couldn’t imagine her being a lying flirt, either.

Gosh, I just don’t know what to do! I shouldn’t worry about it right now, though. I mean, I’ve got 8 months to decide. All I know is that if I do anything, I want myself off probation and Mary out of that jail. She may be a heartbreaking flirt, but she’s not stupid. She’s going to know I got my info from Mary, and although she may never return to Estrella, I want Mary out of there first. Just one trip to Madison for a court appearance or hearing with Johnson on duty – well – you just never know what could happen to an Ad-Seg girl all alone, so I have to think of protecting Mary and not just myself.

I began my little story, and no, Teddy Bear isn’t my costar! I decided to use Kate. I’ve got about 7 pages done. I’m doing it by dates instead of chapters. Mary’s writing style has greatly inspired me to become a better writer. Now just let my punctuation keep on inspiring her and we’ll be even, I told her! To hell with worrying about spelling. The PC fixes that. Although its subject matter may be rather odd, I’d say it’s pretty well-written. As I said, Mary helped with that by showing me other writing styles.

Later…

Still no shipment confirmation, but the day isn’t over yet. Hopefully, they’ll still be shipped today, but I won’t count on it.

Scot wasn’t in today. Instead, I was seen by the same lady who got the honor of watching me pee. She seemed so nice. I’ll bet most of them are friendlier than Scot. Scot’s a pretty serious dude, though he’s improved with time. Maybe that’s cuz we’ve known each other for so long now.

When this lady asked if I was working and I told her I was a homemaker, she said, “Oh, so you do work,” I wanted to hug her. She agrees that too many people think all we do is sit on our asses and do nothing.

After reporting we went to Walmart where we got screens and pipe clamps for the drainpipes, among other truck-related items.

While he was gathering up this stuff, I did some shopping of my own. I bought shoes for Chris, but the damn things are too small. It figures, too. See, there are infant, toddler and children’s shoes, and I got infant-size when I should’ve gotten toddler. Makes me all the gladder we don’t have kids! What a bitch shopping for them would’ve been, and by the time you do figure it out, they’ve outgrown whatever it is you got them. Anyway, they were only $2, and I’m sure I’ll have some doll at some point that can wear them. They’re pink and black slightly stretchy sneakers. They have no ties or clasps of any kind. The feet just slip right into them.

While they had a surprisingly lousy selection of slippers and no sundresses, they sure had a lot of other summery clothes. They had some awesome shiny swimsuits too, but I’ll wait till we get the inflatable pool.

Instead, I got new underwear which I’ve been needing for quite a while. From the clearance section, I got a matching black bra and panty set with round colorful shiny sequin-like things on them, and then I got a shiny green pair of panties. Then I grabbed a 5-pack of string bikinis in white, yellow, blue, pink and purple, so I’ll be set in the panty department for a while.

At Office Max, they didn’t have any keyboards with built-in mice which we want for the TV. We also want to build a cabinet to put the keyboard, computer and monitor in.

I got a new mouse for my computer cuz the one I’ve been using really sucks. It has lousy control, and its side-clicker, which I have set to double-click, is fucked up. It either only clicks once or sometimes it clicks too much. This mouse has scrolling wheels and programmable buttons so I can choose what command I want to use them for. It’s a nice one and fits in my hand perfectly. It’s an optical mouse that uses no roller ball for better control. That’s why the thing was $50. Or was it $60? Either way, it was worth the money. I have very long fingers, but tiny hands, so it’s not always easy to find a mouse that feels comfortable in my hand. The mouse I use for my MP3 station is actually a child’s mouse.

We also looked at digital and old-fashioned little handheld recorders. After deciding that I have enough complicated modern technology to learn these days, I figured I’d settle for the old-fashioned kind. I didn’t get one today because we can get them cheaper elsewhere. The kind with microcassettes would suit my needs just fine anyway. All I need is a play, rewind, fast-forward, record, and stop button, as I told Tom. I only want it for leaving notes for journals, letters, or stories when my computer is turned off. I don’t need anything that will play select notes, since I plan to type in all the notes I speak in, the next time my computer’s on, then rewind the tape and start over.

“But this one will let you talk for 105 minutes for $10 more,” Tom said as we were browsing through them, and I was like, “How many notes can I possibly have, Tom? I’m not going to get into a whole conversation with myself. It’s just to grab it off the nightstand as I’m falling asleep and happen to remember something, then say something like "Remember to tell Mary to ditch Teddy Bear’s letter so I can play it back when I wake up and fire up my PC.”

Anyway, a simple one is all I need. Besides, the simpler things we buy, the simpler it’ll be to fix when they break. Getting an intricately designed pair of pedals makes for quite a nightmare to fix. I still don’t believe he’s going to be able to fix them, but that’s ok, jogging won’t kill me. It might even be better for me and give me more muscle and endurance as long as I don’t put too much of a bounce in it. I’m not going to drag my feet, but I’m not going to lift them all that high either. Not more than 2-3 inches. The most important thing anyway is elevating my heartbeat for a while to help keep my weight stable, even if I can never lose anymore.

After we got in and Tom crashed, the barking began. Knowing it was about the pipes, I ran out front and shooed off next door’s beast. Tom’s sleep was more important than any poor loser with sensitive eggshell-like feelings, though if anyone saw me run the damn thing off, I wouldn’t know it. I would still prefer it if I wasn’t seen, knowing how people are out here, cuz once we got the fence, they’d probably take a wire-cutter, snip an opening and shove their dogs through it just to get at me! Westerners can be so sensitive and so spiteful.

I know now why there were so few strays in Phoenix as opposed to back east. It was because of the strict laws out here. Also, most dogs out here aren’t cooped up in houses all day and night. They’re left to live outdoors so they can bother their neighbors. Here in Maricopa, I wonder – does anyone care? Does anyone give a damn about their dogs? Would they care if a snake bites them when they’re active? Would they care if someone shot them? Somehow I doubt they’d even notice they were missing, and if they did they’d have a new dog to replace it the next day, which, of course, would never enter the house.

Anyway, once we enter March I’ll be able to vibe whether or not the fences will be here that month, even if they’re not completely up, just like I did when it turned February. I had no fence vibes at all. I had fence vibes for the first week of March, but they’re fading. It’s like something wants to torture me with other people’s dogs!