Again with the morning company and barking. The dog only barked once, but once is all it takes to wake me up, depending on how deep of a sleep I’m in and what ear I’m laying on, so rather than struggle to stay on days, I think I’ll use earplugs when I’m sleeping during the daytime.

The company stayed for an hour, maybe a little more. And I was just about to praise her for not having much company, but just like Bev, she seems to have it a few times a week. As long as 6 little kids don’t go stomping around over there, we’ll be ok.

I’m getting pretty convinced that Mary’s lack of letters is because she can’t get anything out of me, so I’m going to stop the letters permanently unless I hear from her.

A couple came and mowed us down. I was wondering when they were going to mow. The grass was getting pretty tall.

We’ve revised our moving plans again. Neither of us wants to live with Patty, Freckles and next door, no matter how quiet they may be overall, for another 16 months, so we’re going to give notice in either September or October. Our first goal is to try to bust out of this state this year, which would mean we’d leave here at the 1-year marker of moving into this duplex. If it doesn’t look like we can get out this year, and I have my doubts, we’ll move into a house around here a month earlier. The reason we don’t want to move now is that the rates are cheaper in the winter. Plus, we want to save money to get out of having to have a lease. Money makes them go away, and in that case, we wouldn’t be losing any because we’d get the deposit back. We think we can have a grand saved up by then, which would be enough for a deposit, on top of first/last month.

For me, desperation or rage is often the key to my success with things like weight loss. However, as an adult who doesn’t care what others think, I’ve had a hard time motivating myself to lose weight, as opposed to when I was a child with a mother taunting me all the time. Well, while the desire to get out of here may not be as bad as it was in the NHA, PHX or jail, it’s high enough. Therefore, it should motivate me to save money by getting very little food, which should drop me some weight. I’m even determined to save money by toughing my teeth out and putting off the fillings as long as I can. In fact, I’d like to tough it out till I lose the damn teeth. I’m sick of the cavity game. So much so that I’m dead serious about wanting to lose my molars, which is where I mainly get cavities.

If every day could be like yesterday for as long as we’re stuck here, then it wouldn’t be so bad. It’d take a lot of stress off of me. Patty was quiet all weekend, save for 1 backyard bark and some in front while she was cleaning her van, which she’s parking in her garage more often. I’d rather 100 barks in front than 1 in back because of how the bedroom’s in back where I spend most of my time.

It was dark and rainy all day yesterday. Not even a peep out of next door was heard. We’ve been having a lot of rain and clouds. The kinds the locals hate.

If you asked who I think is better, Bev or Patty, I’d agree with Tom and say they’re about equal. It’s the fucking dog that keeps Patty from winning over Bev. Patty’s definitely more of a weekday/morning person. There were visitors, banging and barking this morning. A dark blue pickup, which I saw last Friday along with a maroon one, was here for about an hour. I don’t know if it was a friend, a nurse, the housekeeper or what, but I wish she’d quit leaving the dog unattended in back when she has company. Normally, she stays by the door and is ready to let it in before it gets the chance to bark at the door, but when she has company, she gets distracted. It was only a couple of barks which I wouldn’t mind at all if I were always on days, but I’m not. I’m going to have to live with other people’s dogs for as long as I live, so I better get used to it. The banging wasn’t anything like the kids, so that’s good, but still, I want to bust us out of here like YESTERDAY! I know Sacramento will be just as noisy, if not noisier, but it’ll be warmer!

What I don’t get is why she would knock on the door to apologize for the barking, just to be allowing it to happen over again a few days later. Gee, what a hypocrite!

We walked up to the grocery store on Saturday. We also checked out a couple of video stores to see if they had season two of Charlie’s Angels, but they didn’t. I guess we’ll have Walmart order it for us. The less we have to get by mail, the better.

We also stopped in a store that sells tons of beads and fragrance oils, along with Indian and hunting-related stuff. This red fox fur they had for $75 was way nice. I especially liked the tail.

The best news of all is that I got the oils on Saturday! Bob’s never been that fast. The 6 trial scents have yielded 2 fantastics, 3 so-so’s, and 1 bust. The Hugo Boss and Magnolia are nothing like Bob’s. The Angel is, but it’s like the newer one. The Caramel’s just ok, but the Pecan Pie and Jasmine are fabulous! So the plan is to get the Charlie’s Angels DVDs next month, then more oils a couple of months after that.

We also “shook up the earthquake” in my book yesterday and made it more intense, but when we’ll ever get it submitted, I don’t know. I still get the feeling he’s stalling for time.

Although it took us until nearly mid-May to hit the 70s, that’s just what the weather report says we’re going to do tomorrow. Finally! And of course, I have mixed emotions about it. It’ll feel better and do our electric bill a world of good, but a part of me wishes it was cold and snowy so people wouldn’t be as likely to hang outside. So far, mom and daughter next door haven’t been as bad as I thought they’d be, but it’s not summer yet, so we’ll see. I don’t know about next door, but my vibes say mom and daughter will be here till we move. That’s both good and bad, I guess. I mean, they have no rowdy kids/dogs, but I still have to deal with their doors. I guess I just gotta deal with something no matter where I am. I just don’t understand God’s obsession with me having to live with people. And so damn many of them, too. Having an average of 3 roommates for the two years I was at Valleyhead should’ve been enough of a sign telling me that that’s what I’d be in for, for the most part, though back then I slept just fine with all the shit they had me doped up on. It was getting up in the mornings that was hard.

Anyway, the only thing I heard from her yesterday after the outburst from the dogs was her washer/dryer. She must’ve been drying something heavy because I could hear it clunking away.

Today I noticed before 6 AM that her van wasn’t there and thought – great! No morning banging. But then I saw a dark blue pickup and heard her talking to someone in the utility area, along with some bangs. About an hour later the truck left. I’m guessing she parked in the garage to make room for it, though she could’ve slipped out, came back in the pickup, then left in the pickup, planning to take her van back.

I like being on nights as much as I like being on days. Days keep me from being woken up, but nights are so peaceful around here. Even more so than Maricopa was.

I was all set to give next door a stamp of approval, and maybe even consider her better than Bev until a little while ago.

Then yesterday I saw the dog out back at just after 6 AM, but it didn’t bark. Then I decided in the afternoon when I saw her in the yard doing what appeared to be picking up dog shit, to take the direct approach rather than stage an accidental meeting. So I went out saying that I thought it was time I met the new neighbor, and introduced myself. Her name’s Patty and she is on disability. She said her dog, Freckles, who ran up to me barking, yet was friendly, is a service dog that is 13 years old. I told her that if she and her dog are as quiet as they have been, then I hope they’re here as long as we are. She said we were so quiet ourselves and seemed grateful for it, and that she too, uses headphones. She has a housekeeper come out once a week to clean for her and the state pays for it. In fact, that’s who she thought I was at first because she says we sound the same.

She’s lived in Ohio and southern California, but that was many years ago. I told her where we’re from and that we’re saving to move to California. She also says it’s usually warmer by now, but that they’ve had snow in June and July here.

I still can’t believe they allow those on disability to have dogs, vans and cars like she and Bev have, but she said Freckles is a service dog that she’s had ever since she was a baby. We only spoke for a few minutes cuz all I wanted to do was settle my curiosity, though she never did say how long she planned on staying and I didn’t want to pry or give her the idea that I’d be her buddy. She did say to let her know if we needed anything and I said she could do the same. So I thought, yeah, she’s cool, and hopefully Freckles will stay cool, too. She didn’t give me any wild or partying vibes. She’s not as high-strung and doesn’t seem like the type to be a company freak, so I thought that just maybe we were finally being compensated for past assholes we were stuck with, though I still can’t wait for a house in California!

Then, just after 8:00 this morning, I heard more than the usual scattered and subtle bumps and bangs from over there. I could hear the dog barking, but through the walls, it was pretty muffled to the point where it was no big deal. Still, this told me something was going on over there. At first I thought oh no, Bev’s grandkids are back! But when I pressed my ear to the wall, I could hear another adult woman chatting with her. There was no other vehicle parked in the driveway from what I could see unless it was hidden by Patty’s van, so the person was either picked up by Patty or they walked over. She didn’t come alone, though. She came over with a huge black lab much like the one an associate of Bev’s had! They were both barking at the back door to be let in. I don’t know if they heard me yell “Hey!” over the racket, but so much for thinking she may be a better neighbor. Barking dogs would be just as bad as Bev’s grandanimals shaking the place apart. I just never get to live in peace no matter where I go, and I never will, though today’s got me contemplating giving notice once again. It’s just that that could be taking a worse gamble than staying here would be, to say nothing of how it may set us back financially. Besides, I know Tom would prefer to stay here. I’m hesitant to move too, but apartments, duplexes, they’re just too bangy. I didn’t come here to play roommates, which in a sense, is exactly what we are.

I just wish she’d wait for the damn dog at the door. It’s when it comes up to the door to find no one there to let it in that it goes off barking. I’m so sick of being tortured by other people’s dogs and kids! If it’s not one, it’s the other. It never fucking ends. Never. Now the pressure to stay on days is on. The barking really echoes loudly within the confines of the patios. I swear people shouldn’t be allowed dogs unless their nearest neighbor’s at least a half-mile away! They’re just too damn loud.

Anyway, I don’t know who this is. I don’t know if it’s the housekeeper, a friend, a relative, or what. I just hope to hell they’re not staying for a few days! I’m sure they’ll be there for at least most of the day. Therefore, I’ve got the stereo going in the bedroom. It’s not blasting, but it’s going to be if I hear any more barking.

I heard whoever it was go out back with a wind chime and then call out, “I found one” (probably Bev’s old hook).

I hope to hell this person doesn’t come around regularly, because if they’ve brought the dog this time, then they always will. What kind of housekeeper would bring their dog, though? Not this one, I hope! Because if this is the housekeeper, then that means I’ve got to deal with it once a week and even that would be way too much.

I’m just so sick of going through this shit. So fucking sick of it! I don’t make neighbors a part of my noise, so I really wish they wouldn’t make me a part of theirs. As the pizza lady said, though, people just don’t care. They’re going to do whatever it is they’re going to do and to hell with whoever has to deal with it. God, I wish I could stay on days! I’d still have to put up with the noise distracting and annoying me, but it couldn’t wake me up. Not as long as it wasn’t a round-the-clock thing. At least she has a schedule. She seems to sleep from around 10 PM-6 AM, so at least I know that those hours are likely to be peaceful. The afternoons and evenings seem to be pretty quiet, too. She’s definitely a morning person. I wonder if I’ll be early to bed and early to rise when I get old. I doubt it. I mean, I just can’t imagine myself doing that every single day. Being without a schedule is just so much a part of who I am.

If there’s any good news it’s that my oils have been shipped. I can’t wait to try them! They apparently got the money order yesterday, as we figured they would. I could get the oils on Saturday, but more than likely on Monday. This site, unlike Bob’s, has an order status feature that actually works and it was cool to see it go from “on hold pending payment,” to, “in production, will ship soon,” to, “shipping today.” They sent me emails when each thing happened, too.

Later…

Here’s a happy update. After an hour of going bump, bang and bark, though not consistently, there was a knock at the back door just after I finished vacuuming. As soon as I opened it, Patty said she was so, so sorry, and explained that her housekeeper brought her dog over to see if it would get along with hers. Why the hell she’d care if it did or not, beats me, but anyway, she said her housekeeper won’t be bringing it around again and that she told her, “My neighbor just got done telling me how quiet I am which makes me feel all the worse. I don’t want trouble with neighbors.” So I told her it was no big deal and that I really appreciated her letting me know what was up, cuz I was wondering. I just hope there aren’t regular outbursts from over there! For now, though, she’s back to being cool (I think). A part of me still wishes Bev were here. Her animals only came around occasionally, but this dog is always here.

We only spoke for a few minutes and I thanked her again for filling me in and said to let her know if I get noisy myself. She said, “Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. You’re as quiet as a mouse.” I get the impression she doesn’t want us to give notice till we leave the state, which is good if that’s the case, cuz then she’ll be more considerate. I don’t want to gamble on an Oregon house for the same reasons Tom doesn’t, as much as I didn’t come here to play house-sharing.

Yesterday we walked to a Laundromat we’d never been to before which is right by Fred Meyer. It was a long walk. About a half-hour each way. I felt a little strain in my left hip and a lot of strain in my left ankle. In fact, my ankle is still killing me. At first I thought it was age because I used to walk to school in Longmeadow, and of course Valleyhead made us go on walks, and I was fine. But then I realized that Tom has no problem and he’s 8½ years older. He says it’s just a case of me using muscles I don’t normally use. I guess that’s why variety in exercise is so important. He went through this when he first started riding his bike, but now his muscles are getting used to it.

It drizzled on us all the way and was even cold at times despite the heavy jacket and gloves I wore. I was like, what’s wrong with this picture? What’s wrong with it is that it’s May and I’m still fucking cold! I can’t wait to get out of this state. Especially since there’s snow on the ground right now! Snow in May? That is so fucked up! Nonetheless, it was good walking weather, and the blooming flowers and cherry and apple trees were pretty to see. They seem to really like tulips and daffodils here. Meanwhile, it’s been pouring since I got up 3 hours ago. I’m glad it never rained hard on us.

Tom had to wait a little while for a washer, but it only ran for 32 minutes, so it wasn’t too bad. We never bothered to dry the clothes. Instead, I hung them around here when we got back.

While he was washing the clothes, I got a few things we needed at Fred’s, including the other doll in the My Scene series I wanted which was on sale for $10. This one’s Barbie and she’s wearing purple. She came with a spare outfit which is just about the nicest Barbie-n-friends outfit I’ve got. It’s in the top 5 anyway. The dress she has on is a purple satin dress that goes over one shoulder and has an angled hem. It’s sheer at the waist too, making it look like two pieces from a distance. Her spare outfit is a pink metallic top and a black skirt with zigzag stripes of pink glitter. Her shimmering black shawl makes a great halter for the Tonners.

Anyway, I’m glad I did the walk, as sore as I am. It was fun and it was good to get out and get exercise and fresh air.

On the way back we stopped at a convenience store for snacks and he got a lottery ticket that won $7.

The lady next door not only didn’t have company over the weekend but she was gone for most of it. Can’t complain about that!

I’ve been having a lot of nights where I only sleep for 6 hours. As long as I don’t get too tired, I’d love to be able to sleep for only 6 hours. It’d help me maintain a schedule tremendously.

Although we are going to keep our eyes open in case there’s a hell of a deal that may come along, we’re thinking we may just stay here till we can get out of this damn state, and hope for the best along the way. That would mean the neighbors staying put and not being replaced with nightmares, or becoming nightmares themselves. Meanwhile, we’re not locked into a lease, so if it gets bad here, we’ll split, even if it sets us back a bit. I’ve lived enough places in my life that were a nightmare, so I won’t put up with any shit here. I just hope I won’t have to and that we can go straight to rural Sacramento from here, skip the motels, etc. That may be asking for too much, but if we can at least stay here till we leave the state, then that’d be one last move to have to make along the way. I just wish I had more singing privacy and could blast my speakers. Oh well. I can make do as I have been for another year or a little more. I just hope it doesn’t end up taking us a few years to get out of here. We still have to deal with my teeth either way, and his shit of a mom isn’t going to drop dead anytime soon. She won’t go till we’re settled in California and not as bad off as we are today. My vibes still say she’ll be 86-87, and she won’t even hit 82 till August.

Time to go do my daily sweeping!

Later…

The Phoenix and Tempe letters to Marilyn have been returned as “undeliverable as addressed.” What? Does this site print wrong addresses or something? The Scottsdale one is still out there, so I’ll just hope she got that one, though I highly doubt she did. Same with the sick black bitch. Yeah, I found her. I finally found her. That’s real fucking bold to allow your address to be listed after you got someone thrown in jail. That’s wanting to be killed for it! I doubt she had the brains to think of that, though. If anything she was hoping I’d start up with the journals again so she could get me thrown in jail a second time. But still, could you bait yourself like that after doing what you did? I couldn’t. I’d be too scared to and I don’t usually scare too easily.

Anyway, I sent a quick note to 3 different addresses, one being in Surprise, compliments of the user in Florida. I used some of those postage-paid envelopes I was supposed to send to her friend. At least this time around, associating with her paid off, but just the fact that she hasn’t written and won’t even do me the favor of connecting Hope and me after all I’ve done for her goes to show how truly selfish she is, like most people in this world, or so it seems.

The note was brief and meant as a little scare-tactic, even though I knew it’d be short-lived since I couldn’t possibly have the blessing of doing what I said I was going to do, and that was to sue her and her cop friend for setting me up. Just for her to know I hadn’t forgotten her and knew where she was (assuming any of these addresses were current) was what I was out for. Besides, I promised myself I wouldn’t let what they did scare me from exercising my right to free speech, and that’s exactly what I did. No threats, no racial slurs, just my constitutional right to speak my mind. Meanwhile, if the black pig wants to put time, money and effort into hunting my ass down through Tom’s social security number or his family, I’m ready for him. Yes, this time I’m ready for him, and in the end, I can promise just about anyone that he’ll end up saying, “You know, I am so sorry I ever bothered to find that girl!” if he ever does have the balls to find me. It’ll depend on how suicidal he is. Some people have death wishes, that’s for sure, because cop or no cop, finding me would be a definite death sentence for this mother-fucker. He’d have to make something up, though, because after learning all I have about the laws, thanks to them, nothing I did could possibly call for grounds to come after me. I even handled the letters and envelopes with gloves and used tap water to seal the envelopes, so if they came after me, it’d only be because they hate white Jews as much as I hate blacks.

In the end, I know God made sure none of those letters got to her because they would shake her up, and we know how God not only loves blacks these days but also loves to protect anyone who’s fucked me over, so I’m sure she never got any of them. If I’d been dumb enough to write something they could get me on, then yes, He’d make sure she got one of them then. But if all it could do is piss her off or get her all worried, then no. Her feelings are much too important as opposed to my welfare. Oh, and of course I wrote no return address, so if they ever noticed the Oregon postmark if they got any of them, who knows?

Did I tell Tom? No way! I secretly mailed them from the next block that has an outgoing slot on their boxes. Well, I started to, but then I ran into the mailman as he was doing our own box and he took them from there. I’d never tell him even a decade from now, that’s how paranoid he is. If he knew about it now, he’d still be paranoid they were going to come after me when he was 80. I’m paranoid, too. I mean, these were very determined and obsessive people after all. But life must go on and we must live our lives as we see fit. We can’t let sickos like this scare us and bully us out of taking a stand for ourselves and doing what’s right. I believed firmly that I was doing the right thing by contacting the Arizona Republic and the sicko, and so I did. I don’t know if my email was read any more than if my letters got to the sick bitch, but I did what I felt was best and now I can move on a little easier. Not as easy as I could if they were either made to pay for wronging me or killed, but at least a little easier.

Starting late in my day yesterday, my ankle got better, but both hips have been on fire ever since. I still don’t see how I can get this sore just from walking. Had I walked 20 miles, or run, or gone by bike, then yes, I should be sore.

I see so many pros and cons of staying versus renting a house. I know we’d be taking a gamble either way because we can’t know for sure that it’ll stay quiet here until we can get out of this damn state, nor do we know if it’ll be quiet in a house. Or stay that way if it at least starts off quiet. Although we’re unsure of what’s going to happen, and although my vibes say we’re not giving notice on the 1st, I know there’s a slight chance I could be wrong, so I guess I’ll do a pros/cons list. Sometimes it helps to see them written out, though I know that can still be deceptive if you have a few small pros versus one huge con.

The pros of staying are spacious rooms, good neighborhood, good neighbors (for now), close to stores, each room has its own heater, good shower/toilet pressure, would save money by not moving unless he could find someone reliable or we moved close enough to here to chance taking the truck, bedroom is blocked from street, busy street, garage. That’s a total of 10 pros.

The cons of staying are wet/moldy windows, electric heat, far from work, connected to next door which calls for banging/music, the dog next door, neighboring duplex too close, next door’s doors, expensive, no vent in the bathroom, no self-cleaning oven or self-defrosting fridge, no dishwasher, can’t send/receive mail at the door, no singing privacy, can’t blast speakers. That’s 14 cons.

Tomorrow would be the earliest I could hear from Marilyn if she got my letter, and if she turned around and wrote back the instant she got it. Somehow I doubt I’ll be hearing from her. Not because she got the letter and decided not to respond, but because she didn’t get it in the first place. Oh well. I tried.

Tom used a large duffel bag to stuff our laundry in and rode his bike to a Laundromat he’s never used before which he said was very nice. He was only gone for 1½ hours. He’ll have to make two trips a week, though, just like with groceries. Once we get moved, we’ll get a washer for sure.

I haven’t heard the dog since the other day. When Tom gets up I’ll ask him how things were with it being a Saturday. I crashed at 11 AM, so I wasn’t around for the most part.

I’ve had severe bloating lately and I can’t figure out why. Most days I’m not overeating, though I could still afford to cut down greatly, and I’m just about over my period. I guess it’s just fat.

This morning at 8:45, I saw and heard the dog barking at the dividing fence. I’m sure it was barking at one of next door’s many passings, if not their cats. The woman softly, yet firmly told it to hush. Then after a few more barks, she said, “Come on, Jelly Belly,” and it turned and ran inside.

I was like, fuck this shit! This dog may not be a problem like the Arizona dogs, but I’m sick of being forced to live with other people’s dogs and kids. They’re not my dogs/kids, so I shouldn’t have to be the one to hear them. That’s why I have none of my own; so I don’t have to hear them. Instead, I’m stuck having to deal with listening to everyone else’s, and it gets old. It really does. I better get used to it, though, because Sacramento’s no doubt going to be quite noisy. The warmth should be worth it, as long as we’re not next to what we had in Phoenix. We checked the satellite map and they appear to have rural places close enough to places he could work. The question is, would we be able to afford to rent something like that? Or would we be forced yet again to live wedged tightly in with others and their damn dogs and kids? The dogs down there are going to be kept outside 24/7 by most dog owners and that’s about 90% of the population.

After I heard the dog and they went back inside, I stomped around for a few minutes, hoping she’ll be like, well, you know, it’s awfully soon for me to start racking up complaints here, so maybe I’ll take the dog out in front.

I’m not only sick of dogs and kids, but I’m also sick of this home-all-the-time bullshit! Why can’t we ever be next to someone who works? And why can’t they come up with some real spyware? The kind that not only lets you see the basic design of a city or neighborhood but also detail, too. That way, if there was a place we were thinking of renting, we could see what the neighbors were up to and get to know things like if they had dogs, kids, and massive amounts of visitors.

So I did what I thought I was supposed to be able to stop doing in ’99, and I rearranged the sound machine to help ensure my sleep. I propped it up so that the sound shoots straight on my pillow, rather than upwards. I’ll never be able to sleep without both the fan and sound machine during the daytime. Never. And if I’m wrong about that, then certainly it’s years away from now.

She seems to be mostly a morning person. That’s when I hear more scattered little bumps and bangs, but nothing unusual for being attached to someone. She did laundry at just after 7:30 this morning but didn’t hang anything out. It would’ve gotten rained on anyway.

She also seems to go to bed around 10:00 on weekdays and 11:30 on weekends, though I don’t know why she’d stay up later on weekends when every day is the weekend for her and every day is the weekday.

I’m a little apprehensive about what weekends may bring, along with Memorial Day, and what company may have to be my company, too.

We got a priority mail package delivered here in the name of Dorothy C. We’ve gotten mail for her before. I thought it was the last person in here, but then when we opened the package, which was mailed from Hawaii, we found a Mother’s Day card from her granddaughter. From what Beverly told me, no one who was in here before us was a grandmother, so we’re assuming it was whoever was in here before the last people. If you don’t know that your grandmother moved over what would be a year ago, then you deserve to have the package you sent her opened by someone else! At first Tom was paranoid about it because priority mail is marked as delivered. After I pointed out that the PO’s not going to kick down the door and demand to search the place for it, and that all he had to do if asked was say he brought it to the PO since the box was too big for a mailbox and since the PO doesn’t have cameras like banks to prove/disprove someone was there, we opened it and found souvenirs along with the card. The first thing we pulled out was a boring canvas with individual pockets for mail, bills and coupons. The second thing was a pair of wooden magnet sandals which was kind of cute, so we kept those. I didn’t expect anything too exciting for free, but they’re cool.

Tom thinks that out of every 500-600 sweepstakes entries, be it one-time entries or daily entries, I should hit something. We’ll soon see. If I don’t hit anything in 3-6 months, then I’m not going to bother doing all this work for nothing. For now, I have a sweepstakes system where I do all the daily sweeps until they expire, then I check out the new ones for the previous day. They don’t all come out at once. They come out throughout the day, so that’s why I wait until the next day. At midnight I’ll check yesterday’s sweeps after I do the daily ones. I wish there was a program that would sign me up for every sweepstake out there that I’m eligible for, and as often as each one allows entries.

I decided not to bother saving/spending $40 a month. I just want to get out of this duplex and then out of this state! Until then, I’ll mostly just get oils. Smells are my #1 thing right now anyway, and I’m now plenty used to not getting much in the way of dolls other than an occasional Barbie which would only take up more room when we pack to move.

We’ve had lots of rain. The apple trees look really cool now with their blossoms.

I was just waking up when I heard a faint bark, followed by a louder bark that probably would’ve woken me up, so once again and even though we rarely hear the dog or the lady over there, we’re on for giving notice on the 1st. More than likely, she opened the door to let it out to do its thing, then it went up to the door when it was done and barked to be let in. It’s clearly an indoor dog, thank God!

Tomorrow we’ll be mailing off a $20 money order for 6 1-oz. bottles of Caramel, Pecan Pie, Jasmine, Hugo Boss, Magnolia and Angel oils. Hopefully, nothing will be out of stock, and putting them in the mail and mailing them to me won’t be such a challenge for them. They should ship by next Friday and I should receive them by the Friday after that, but I’m sure I’m going to have to fight for them. If not the PO will screw up.

Tom’s building up to riding his bike to and from work nicely. His legs are rock-hard. It’s a good thing those things don’t turn me on or else I’d be in trouble. I’d be on my own for sure if that were the case. A few people offered to drive him home, including his boss, because it was raining. He turned them down, though, because it was just a little drizzle. It’s good to know that he could get rides if he had to. There’s a guy that lives just up the hill and drives by here all the time.

The new neighbor continues to be quiet, but it’s too soon to say if she’ll stay this way. I wish I were psychic enough to know if it would be quiet here until September of ’06, which is when he thinks we’ll be able to go to California if we save $50 a month and only take $40 a month for ourselves. I’m definitely going to wait and get the mannequin down there. Getting it here would only delay the move and it might break along the way, let alone hog up space in the trailer. We want to get a little U-Haul or something to pull behind the truck.

I hope we only have to suffer through just one more winter here and that it’s a mild one. According to what they’re saying, we came right at the start of summer last year. So, 6 more weeks of shivering. It’s 5-10 degrees warmer in MA, and they don’t get so cold at night like we do.

It was so wonderfully weird discussing the budget/savings plan to move to California. That was only done in my fantasies before, but this time it was for real!

I’m still sweeping away at the sweepstakes. Hopefully, I’ll know in a few months if all this work is going to pay off. I wish they had a program that automatically entered you in all sweepstakes available, and continued to enter you as often as they ran them. Some are daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and of course, some are just a one-time deal. I had to pull a few pranks like I did at the celebrity sightings site. Never did it say anything about penalties for fabricating sightings. It doesn’t reward you for your supposed sighting, but still, I couldn’t resist coming up with a tall tale about my meeting Kate and having a one-nighter with her, so here’s the story:

I was 28 years old in 1995 when I met Kate Jackson, then around 45 years of age herself. I am a lesbian who had just had a fight with her girlfriend one summer evening. I was in tears and so I went to my favorite place to be when feeling down – the beach. There wasn’t much activity on the beach, which was a bit odd for June, though it was also after 10 PM. I sat crying with my face in my hands. Suddenly, a woman asked me if I was alright. I looked up and recognized Kate Jackson right away. I couldn’t believe it at first, but it was her, alright. She was dressed casually in jeans and a T-shirt. I looked around me, expecting her to be in the company of others what with her being a star and all, but she was alone. I guess because she was getting older, she felt more comfortable venturing out alone. I briefly told her what happened and she asked me if I was “just friends” with this woman. I assured her we were more than that. That’s when she said, “Well, maybe a night of fun is all you need. Maybe you just need to come up for a fresh breath of air with no strings attached.” I always suspected Kate was either a lesbian or bisexual, and this night would more than confirm that!

I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details because I don’t know if that’s allowed, so I’ll just say I had quite a night, alright! One I’ll never forget. I was nervous at first, but ended up having a great time. She wined and dined me in a quaint, cozy little cottage on the beach which she said was a friend’s, and then we got rather intimate there for a few hours, mixed in with pleasant chatter and mellow music.

When it was over she told me to forget that place forever. Okay, I told her, but I’ll never forget you, and I never have! I’ve only told a few close people about this night, and one of them doesn’t even believe me, but hey, it really, really, did happen!!! It’s no joke. So you could say I had more than a sighting, but quite an encounter instead!

It’s May and I’m still cold! Especially at night. Oh, I can’t wait to go to Sacramento!

So far so good with “Pam” next door, even though she does have a dog. It’s a fat, older medium-size dog, but it hasn’t been a problem. At least not yet anyway. We’re dubbing her Pam because she looks like her. When I got a better look at her I could see that she really is about 50 and her hair is all gray. Sure enough, she doesn’t work. Yesterday she had company twice before I got up, but all Tom said he heard was the front door and some hammering. He did hear the dog bark once too, probably at the company. All day today, I never heard a peep out of her or her dog, though I didn’t get up till 2 PM.

Tom enjoyed biking to and from work but says it was rough getting up the hill coming home. He should be used to it in a week or so.

I’m signing up for tons of sweepstakes. I must’ve signed up for over 300 already! All this work better pay off!

Still at the Duplex (now with Patty)…

The lady next door has already begun moving in. When I got up at 4:30, I saw her van here along with a utility truck. I don’t know how long she was here before I awoke, but I don’t think she’s got any furniture here yet or that she’s staying overnight, unless she pulled her van into the garage where I can’t see it, and is sleeping on an airbed like we are. All I saw her bring in were some clothes.

I don’t see why she’s got the handicap thing hanging from her rearview mirror. She seems to be able to walk, though I haven’t seen her walk enough to know how well she walks.

I hope she doesn’t keep the back light on all night once she does get settled. Light on one side is enough, though if she’s got her blinds open and her place lit up all night (which she doesn’t strike me as the type to do), then at least the patio blinds will filter some of it. I only have blinds in that window. If I had another wool blanket, I could put it up there, but I doubt I’ll need to.

Anyway, I only caught a quick glimpse of her and thought she was closer to 40 with her hair dyed blond, but Tom, who caught a glimpse of her when he was coming in, said her hair was all gray and she looked closer to 50. One thing we do agree on is that she’s big. Probably bigger than Bev.

We’ve only heard a few bumps and bangs so far which mostly seem to be cabinet doors. We don’t think she’ll be a problem, although it could be a couple of weeks before we know that for sure. The reason I don’t think she’ll be a problem is for one, I have no bad vibes. Secondly, we’re no longer trapped here. If we were, then she’d probably be a problem, and although this could really be a calm before the storm, I think it’s a peaceful sign of the “end times.” We’re now certain that after sticking to a weekly budget of $40 a week for groceries, we can give notice in June. So, our agreement is that if things are bad, we definitely give notice then and get out of here in July. If not, we can stick around to take our time so we can be a little pickier as to where we go, though I’m not that worried about that. I just want to get detached from others and away from next door’s doors. I don’t want a nice place because a nice place would cost more money and delay the move to California. I don’t mind taking a place in a neighborhood that’s not as nice as this one as long as people don’t force their daily happenings on me and include me in them. I hate it when people make me a part of their lifestyle! It’s not as customary here, so I’m not worried about dogs being outside 24/7, kids screaming constantly, etc. The worst we may get is someone coming and going with a loud stereo. This is a nice neighborhood that consists mostly of older people, so that’s why none of the houses around us have anyone coming and going with that. If we get in a poorer, younger neighborhood, then we’ll get that, but I’ll deal with it. So, as long as we don’t end up next to a pack of freeloaders, I don’t care where we go. I would still prefer a busy street. Tom can get a temporary license for the truck or rent a U-Haul if we need to, but he’s decided we’d be better off keeping it because California is strict when it comes to registration and all that, so we’ll sell it there.

Not surprisingly, I haven’t received anything for the contest, though we’re more convinced that those coupons had nothing to do with them. Tom checked online to see if anyone ever complained about them and was unable to find anyone. I think it’s just a case of the usual bullshit where I have to fight to get things through the mail, so I’ll email them Thursday and begin the work of getting the prize to me.

The fact that Mary’s letters have slacked off makes me think it’s either because she’s upset that she can’t use me, or upset that I’m not like her on issues like abortion, the pope, etc. Maybe it’s a case of both, but tough shit, as I always say. I can take her or leave her, so next Friday, I’ll let her know that that’ll be my last letter to her until I hear from her if I don’t between now and then. Who knows, though? Maybe it’s not a sensitivity issue or a case of her feeling I’m worthless to her and not worth writing if she can’t enclose any favors. Of course, it could also be that Martha reported receiving fewer stamps and envelopes than she should have, but again, tough! With all I’ve done and spent on her, I think I’m more than entitled to what stamps and envelopes I kept.

Later…

Although I slept 8 hours, heavily falling hale hitting the bedroom window woke me up at 3 PM, along with thunder.

I got up to find that Tom finally got his bike for $50. It’s a red men’s bike with spots of blue and silver. So Bob practically took my incense money and bought him a bike with it! How kind of him after all the waiting and screw-ups I had to deal with. So next up is the washer, getting out of here, getting my teeth taken care of, getting me a bike, and then getting the bed. I would like for the mannequin to come after that, but if I haven’t gotten one yet, what’s to say I ever will?

I got my so-called “gift certificate” from the contest, and was quite disappointed. No wonder I won and got the thing. It’s just a certificate for $50 off their overpriced and boring items that can be made up with anyone’s picture you choose. That person will then get a few bucks of royalty payments. Of the 3 rat pictures that made it, and I’m shocked to say that it doesn’t look like Bailey and Barbie made it, he likes the one of Scuttles holding a piece of carrot in his hands best. You can get pictures made up on calendars, tote bags, sweatshirts, puzzles, greeting cards and stickers. Tom thinks it’s cool because it’s free, but hey, if someone handed me a piece of dog shit, I ain’t about to be appreciative simply because it may be free.

I got a letter from Mary and was stunned to read that she should be gone in less than two months. She didn’t elaborate on any details, but according to our online research, the sick cock was going to use the insanity defense only to change his mind. It looks like now it’s a question of whether or not he’s going to spend the rest of his life in prison or on death row. I guess this means he’s going to plead guilty, in which case Mary won’t be needed to testify. What I don’t get is how a mother who allowed her child to be murdered could possibly walk, as much as I want to see her do so, after just 5 years. Another thing I don’t get is that while she was given 15 years for the Arizona case, which would mean she’s got to serve 5 of it like she has, just what is it that she was supposedly sentenced for in Florida in ’03? We read this online, though it provided no details. Maybe her being “gone” in less than two months really means gone to prison, though I doubt it. I think she’ll be out soon which would be pretty damn close to when I predicted she would be.

The only other thing Mary told me is that she’s “taking a close walk with God.” That’s her problem right there. Nothing up there loves her. You don’t have the child of someone you love killed. You just don’t do that. While it’s easy for me to say that if it works for her, great, should she really be kidding herself with the idea of a loving God? There is no loving God!

She also says she’s been focusing on court and to please understand that she may be a lousy pen pal because she’s so busy. Nonetheless, she thanked me for taking the time to write to her. I still think she isn’t writing much because she can’t send José letters to me to send to him. That’s another thing; she says she doesn’t want to talk about him because he weighs too heavily on her heart. That’s okay. She’ll just get out of there and pick up with her old ways. There’s nothing to say she’s really changed as far as that’s concerned. I think she’s going to pick up one loser after another that she’ll think she’s so in love with, and go back to spitting out kids like crazy. That’s what Mary G does. She takes up with women-beating criminals and has kids with them.

Tom says the woman next door had been moving in with the aid of a couple of guys in a pickup that seemed to be in their 30s, and was surprisingly quiet, though after I got up, we heard scattered bumps and bangs that you really can’t avoid too easily when you’re moving in/out. Even so, one of the guys she had over walks like an elephant. I hope to hell he doesn’t visit much, but judging by how old he looked, I’m sure he’s her boyfriend and that he’ll be over twice a week or more till he convinces her to marry him. At least she’s dogless, though it’s too soon to say whether or not she’ll blast music and have kids over raising hell. I’m a little worried she’ll have a lot of company, though. This is because she’s got the patio set up much like Bev had it with a grill and chairs. In fact, she’s got two grills. Tom, however, pointed out that that’s just how everyone here sets up their patios, and well, Bev never did any barbecuing after we moved in and next door probably hasn’t barbecued more than half a dozen times. I just feel like I have no privacy when people are outside around here what with my room being right smack in the middle of the lot.

From the sound of it, she probably has a washer, and whether or not she has a dryer too, I’m sure she’ll hang clothes out back every few days. I had a few fleeting moments where I wished Bev hadn’t moved simply because I knew her and her habits. Well, I’m not stressing with bad vibes over this one. Especially since I know we’re not trapped here, but this is bullshit. It’s total fucking bullshit. I was supposed to have left this turnover stress behind in late ’99.

Anyway, Big Mama (she sure looks like she’s had kids) and the elephant were out chatting on the patio for a few minutes. I was worried she was going to leave the light on all night. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if she had, but I prefer it off. The elephant left around 10 PM, then she shut the light off and left about 15 minutes later and made me think she wasn’t coming back tonight. But she did return not long afterward, and when I looked out my bedroom window across to hers, I saw that her light was out by 11:30. So one of my two vibes seems correct so far. I sensed she would be the early-to-bed, early-to-rise type, but 11:30 isn’t that early. However, I was right in sensing she’d park in the driveway and not the garage. That van just may be too big to even make it in there. On the other hand, a lot of people don’t bother to park in their garages when it’s not too cold or too hot.

I just hope she doesn’t have a lot of company, blast music, and live out back, though if all goes well we should have just 60 days left here! Then all we’ll have to do is hope we can find a house without someone else’s driveway right outside the bedroom to make up for next door’s door-slamming. We may be more likely to get screaming kids and barking dogs, but at least they won’t be attached to us and I can blast my music all I want.

We know better now, so when we move to California, we’re going to rent a motel by the month and not by the day or week (this is the part I’m not looking forward to) until we can get into what will hopefully be a house and hopefully after not too many months in the motel!

Oh, to have single neighbors who work second or third shift, who sleep all day, who have no kids or dogs, who rarely have company, go outside or blast music!

Oh, Marilyn, please get one of my letters! And please write back! This would be pretty awesome if she did. Her, Mary, Rosa and Misha were definitely the best of the cellies.

An article I read says black chicks have a higher likelihood of heart problems if they’ve been discriminated against, or think they have been anyway.

I heard them go back and forth at 3 AM last night. I still can’t figure out when they sleep. I hear them in the morning, I hear them in the afternoon, I hear them in the evening, I hear them in the middle of the night. There’s got to be more than just the mother and daughter there.

I checked out reading glasses when I was last at K-Mart. They do a good job of magnifying small print, but they don’t push things back away from me. That’d take a prescription, and my eyes still aren’t bad enough for that yet, not that we could afford to be dealing with that right now anyway. Whether or not we move anytime soon, and I doubt we will, our top priority is getting my teeth taken care of. Then we can move on to saving for the bed.

Tom saw an ad in The Nickel saying that the liquidators we once went to have to be out of the building by the 1st, so everything must go. This Saturday he’s going to check them out and see if they have any bikes or washers, but as I told him, we rarely get any breaks in life, so don’t get your hopes up too high. As it is I’m wondering if I’ll ever get anything for the puzzle contest. If that’s the case, you bet I’m not going to do any online contests! Not if they won’t give me whatever it is I win.

Today we got the most rain on any day since coming to this state. It rained almost as hard as it does in Arizona, something we wondered if it would ever do.

We got over $50 in savings in K-Mart coupons in the mail today addressed to me. At first we thought it was my so-called prize since they said they’d send a “$50 gift certificate.” Well, I hope this wasn’t from them. There are some coupons we could use, but most are worthless to us. It came from California and the picture people are in MD, so hopefully I’ll still get something we could use. Either way, it’s been agreed that not this Friday, since it’s a rent week, but next Friday, I’m going to try a few of those SOS oils once and for all.

I lost another two pounds, but the first few always peel right off. I won’t lose any more for a week or two at this point, and the hunger and the struggle will be immense!

Fortunately, I haven’t been down in days. I’ve been back to my usual self; content with our lives as it is except for our income and where we live. I slept till 2 PM today, and it’s days like this that not only make me glad I don’t have a kid but that I don’t have a job as well.

I hope Marilyn not only gets one of the letters I sent but that she writes back, too!

Now that the sun’s creeping around to where the bedroom is, it should kick the heat off for the next 10 hours or so, though the sun keeps hiding behind clouds.

I had a dream that I was in an art class. We were oil painting. The teacher told us to paint ourselves as we see ourselves. I painted myself on a leash that was held by someone in a group of featureless people. Above was a face, which I assume was God’s, smiling down at the scene with approval.

This is how I feel a lot of the time, so I just may paint this scene for real if I were in an art class.

Charter will be out sometime after he gets off work to hopefully find out why we can’t get online and to credit us for the time lost.

I decided to pull the foil out of the bedroom window since the folded wolf blanket does such a good job of keeping light out. If it keeps the daylight out, it’ll certainly keep their floodlights out. The thing is, though, we’ve been having so many cloudy days that it won’t warm up this room enough to kick the heat off for long. Normally the clouds are nice after having 12 years of constant sunshine, but I kind of wish it would clear up in the afternoons to let the room warm up on its own, but that won’t happen until it gets warmer out there. From June to August it’ll rarely rain and by then it’s warm.

The walk to BK was cool in just a T-shirt, but nice.

Bev’s taken everything from the back patio but the privacy blinds, so I pulled them over the railing. They hang from a beam that’s right smack in the middle of the two patios, centered about the dividing rail. By pulling ends over the rail to our side, they look more like they’re ours. The old lady never went to check out the back as far as I know anyway. It’s now been since Saturday that Bev was last here, and unless we run into each other in this tiny town, I don’t expect to ever see her again. Like always, since we’re going to have to live next to a home-all-the-time person, I just hope this next lady’s older and not a child in a woman’s body like Bev was!

Later…

The problem appears to have been the modem, which was Tom’s first guess, so they gave us a new one at no cost to us. It’s nice to have a problem for once that doesn’t cost anything! So we’re back online and doing the usual, though I decided once again not to bother with Memolink.

No letter from Mary. Little Miss Sensitive is probably upset that I’m still pro-choice and anti-pope, but she’ll get over it.

I did get a letter from Bob, though. They finally moved him to Shirley where their medical prison is. Since the cheap bastards won’t give him a lung transplant, they’ve got him on oxygen all the time instead. I get the feeling this is the beginning of the end. That’s what Tom thinks too, reminding me that it’s just like with his father before he died.

There have been a couple of good things to happen for a change! We did get the money order back, though they took $12 for recovering it. Still, $65 of incense for just $12, that’s a great deal even if I did have to wait forever for it, but that’s probably why. You know we never get any breaks in life for nothing. I still don’t think it’ll help spring us out of here this summer, but that’s ok. I’m used to being where I don’t want to be. This isn’t Brattleboro, Valleyhead, Phoenix or Estrella, so I’ll survive. I don’t exactly have bad vibes pertaining to what’s moving in next to us, but still, I don’t like the idea of having to get used to a new “housemate,” so to speak, but hey, if we get any shit, we’ll just dish it right back.

The other good news is that I may’ve found Marilyn! I found this new search engine that’s pretty good. It gives people’s middle initials as well as their birth dates. Some don’t have dates, but most do. Well, I found 3 Marilyn Ms all with a birth date of 1956, which fits. She was 44 when I was 39. There were addresses for her in Phoenix, Scottsdale and Tempe, so I’ll send letters to all 3 addresses. I started off by letting her know who I was and that I was her last celly at Estrella before she was released in February of ’01. I explained how I found her and that we moved to Oregon. I gave her my address and email but explained that I didn’t have my cell phone activated right now. I told her I’d love to hear from her and have missed her a lot! She was so cool. She made me laugh so hard at one of my worst times in life. I told her this too, and how I loved how she used to laugh at just about everything I’d say, and swapping jokes with her. I let her know I’ve got tons of new ones for her if we end up pen pals. I didn’t bother to get into what’s been going on with me until and if I hear back from her, and I hope I do!

Mary would be so furious to know that I’m mailing the letters to her in her envelopes. Not only because I kept some of the envelopes I was supposed to send to her friend Martha, but because she didn’t like Marilyn in the end. I guess Marilyn called her crazy and she took it personally. I got to know Marilyn enough, though, to know she was only joking, but that’s just Mary for you. Very sensitive. I enclosed one of my fancy envelopes in each letter for her to use if she gets at least one of my letters and wants to write back. I don’t know if she’d want to, despite how well we got along, or even if she can read and write to begin with. She was funny and easygoing, but not overly bright. She wasn’t on disability for being able to grow a beard as well as most men can, so we’ll just wait and see what happens.

As usual, we’re having computer problems. This time Charter’s the problem because we can’t get online. They’re coming out tomorrow afternoon to do God knows what.

We walked to BK today and did the first chapter of my book together, so chapter one is officially ready for submission once we do the other 29. What a stupid idiot I was to even think that horrible horror book I wrote in 2000 could be even remotely publishable. I read that I thought that when I was looking something else up. How naïve of me to think that! I don’t even think this book will make it, despite the fact that it is a good story and it is well-written. There may be no money involved, which I’m not meant to have anyway, but God does have a no-success-for-Jodi rule on me, so to speak. I don’t know why, but I guess He must have a reason. On the other hand, I don’t have a serious desire to become a writer. It’s something I could take or leave, so knowing that, perhaps the book will make it just like the pictures did because I never “dreamt” of being a photographer. At least Barb will tell me why she rejects it if she does, and I’m not going to struggle for something that’s not meant to be. I learned years ago that that’ll only depress me and maybe get me in trouble, so if it doesn’t make it, I’ll just keep on writing for fun. If I’m meant to be a broke homemaker, then I gotta stay a broke homemaker. Period. I so totally believe - no, I know - that if I were to try to fight fate, I’d be in for it. Writing isn’t worth the fight to me anyway. I can do for fun what maybe would’ve made me a few bucks a year otherwise. And if I continue to write for fun, I don’t have to try to be so damn perfect.

Mondays are our typical laundry day, but by next Monday, the truck’s license will be expired. Tom said, however, we can drive short distances, say to pick up a washer at the Salvation Army, versus Goodwill, which is further away. At first I didn’t like this idea, figuring that if we get made to pay for things we don’t do wrong, how would we get away with something we did do wrong? But I think it’ll be alright. Despite the high pig activity around here, I doubt we’d get caught in front of one long enough for them to really notice the expiration date. That’s not a high priority for them as opposed to other traffic violations.

I look forward to not only having a washer but having bikes as well. While having to resort to walking and bikes may be a major setback, especially at our ages, we at least both agree the exercise would be good for us. He’s especially looking forward to it because he can’t stick to indoor activity like I can. I never miss more than two days in a row each week, if even that. It doesn’t make me skinny, but it keeps me fit, strong, agile and more flexible. It also helps keep me from gaining weight, though I have hit 130 pounds because I’ve been overeating lately. This is why I’m going to start a diet tomorrow, and hopefully – hopefully – get down to 120 pounds. I don’t know if I can do it because at this age 120 pounds is worlds away from 130 pounds. I mean, I know I could, but can I stand the hunger long enough to actually get down there? We’ll see. Anyway, he has to get a bike first, then I’ll get a bike whenever. It’ll be too cold most of the year to really enjoy riding anyway.

I know we’re not moving in July. Again, God wants us here as much as He wants us broke. I don’t know why it’s so important that we live so close to others, but I’m not about to fight it and ask for more trouble. I’m just going to stay put till we leave this damn state, and instead of dealing with any problem neighbors we may have while we’re here, maybe I’ll have them deal with me for a change. I’m sick of moving around anyway, and why should I be the one to move just because most people can’t shut up?

Meanwhile, we’re still going to save up enough money to do my teeth with. Then I guess the next thing to save for would be a bed, and then a propane heater for the bedroom to save a good $40 or so a month. Electric heat is a killer!

Last night I was thinking about how Meagan’s achieved a long-time woman, a child, a great job, and a house, all at barely 20 years of age. I was like, hey, what’s wrong with this picture? This chick’s still practically a kid and she’s got all this, yet we’re nearly 40 and 48 and we’re sleeping on what’s pretty much nothing more than fancy pool rafts, for God’s sake, and our only pieces of furniture are two lawn chairs and a few beat-up weather-worn tables. I know I should be grateful that we’ve at least got our health and each other, but well, some people really seem to get it all and we’re just not one of them. It’s like God’s playing favorites or something and this really bothers me.

I don’t know how she’s going to do all this with a child, but she’s going after her master’s while she’s teaching. So anyway, I was depressed last night and couldn’t figure out why, but I knew it was connected to the news of Meagan. I said to myself, “But you love Tom and you have no regrets about marrying him. And you know leaving him wouldn’t be worth an occasional piece of ass because you know you were never meant to be with a decent woman in the first place. If you couldn’t get a decent woman in your 20s, how would you at nearly 40 years of age? Besides, even if you could, you know the thought of leaving Tom would kill you. You love him too much to leave him for any woman, no matter how gorgeous she may be, so why are you depressed?”

And then I said to myself, “You know you don’t want a child. After the initial excitement of seeing it and holding it for the first time, you know the high would quickly wear off once the reality set in of just what an overwhelming responsibility and expense you would be faced with. You don’t want the smelly diapers, the not being able to have 5 minutes to yourself, the noise, the chaos, and to be tied down in such a way, so why are you depressed?”

Lastly, I said to myself, “You know you’ll own a house again one day. That much is in your cards. The great job, no, but the house, yes. It may be way in the future, but it’s there, so why are you depressed?”

So I thought about it and I thought about it and couldn’t figure out the reason for the longest time, and then it finally hit me. Wanting or not wanting these things isn’t the issue; it’s that I was never given a choice in the first place. No, I don’t want to leave Tom, and yes, I’m ever so glad we met, but God said, “No, you will not have the woman of your dreams.” I’ve often wondered if he made me a man’s woman so I could have medical insurance back when I always had something wrong with me, and to tease me back when I did want a kid very badly like I did the first 3-4 years of our marriage. I may not have wanted a kid for many years now, but again, it both hurts and angers me that back when I did God said, “No, you will not have a child.” He may’ve done the right thing since I would’ve lived to regret it if I had, but the point’s the same. He stripped me of my right to choose, and it’s things like this that make me resent God. And these are far from the only things I had no say in. I feel that more so than most, I’ve been a puppet on a string, destined to go only where fate and others say I can go. Why can’t I be in the driver’s seat of my own damn life for a change, other than when it comes to what outfit I’ll wear tomorrow or what songs I listen to? Being able to choose my cinnamon lipstick over my pink lipstick is great, but how about being able to choose to have a child if I suddenly wanted one again, without the stubborn husband in the way, even if I wouldn’t enjoy motherhood and if we’d struggle even worse? How about being able to be an author if I chose to? How about being able to keep a schedule? How about being able to have normal sex with my husband if I wanted to, or get the pink sculpted carpet and the trash compactor we got fucked out of having back when we moved to Maricopa? Huh? How come? How the fuck come Jodi can’t have what Jodi wants? How come if I want something, somebody or some circumstances out of my control have to overpower me and see to it that I fail to succeed if I don’t fail to succeed on account of a stupid judgment call I’ve made or something like that? I just don’t get it. Did I keep someone from the things they wanted in a previous life or something? How can a good God allow me to have experienced the hardships I’ve experienced throughout my life? Or not step in and help me if it wasn’t Him that “ordered it,” so to speak, as part of my plan? I can see a few hardships every now and then. That’d only be normal, but enough’s enough! I wonder just how many others feel the way I do. Does Meagan feel as blessed as I feel singled out and picked on? Or does she ever feel like she settled with her girlfriend and that she’s unable to break away? Will she come to regret having a child? Will she end up so cruelly fired and lose her house and all she built up over the years? Will she be kicked down over and over again and have to start over a zillion times? Is God or some person waiting to tear down whatever she achieves?

I feel so unique in my life between both my childhood and my adult life, though I know I shouldn’t. Logically speaking, I know many others have abusive childhoods and similar problems as an adult, though I still feel so alone anyway. Especially with his not cumming (even if I’d prefer him not to so long as he doesn’t mind) and the schedule problem. I think more people have a deformed ear like I do than this shit! I try to remind myself that I’ve got many good things on top of the bad. Most people can’t teach themselves foreign languages, even if my signing and Spanish aren’t perfect, and they can’t sing like I do, even if I’m just a 7 on a scale of 1-10.

Sometimes I want to break down and cry because they say it makes you feel better, and sometimes it does. However, I’m afraid that by doing so I’d only be giving whatever’s up there cursing us what it wants – a good laugh at my expense. No thanks!

I miss my old pictures so much! The celebrity ones that my spells “brought to life,” whoever they became in the end when I was between 9-26. Sure I can talk to Tom when I’m down, and I do, but I don’t want to overdo it and bring him down too, and the rat couldn’t understand. The pictures not only could understand, but they didn’t “talk back” or condemn me for the way I felt. Wait till I tell Mary that the pictures coming to life thing is actually a reality! If anyone would believe me, it would be her. I can tell her anything, and if she didn’t think this was crazy, then she wouldn’t think anything I could tell her was crazy. She may be too trusting, but she’s not dumb. Maybe she already figured out that Angel Eyes had a grain of truth to it. I know it was as real as this computer and that the celebrity pictures weren’t really “celebrities” in the end after I did whatever it was I did to transform them if they weren’t already transformed on their own somehow, another reminder that God’s gifted me as well as cursed me, even if the ratio is way off.

It appears Bev’s pretty much done here because she hasn’t come around much the last couple of days. Just long enough to put the trash out yesterday, and to pull the bins in today.

I’d say Lucky Surf is just as much of a scam as Memolink was. They didn’t respond to my email about claiming the little prizes I didn’t even know I won until I thought to check the ‘my winnings’ section yesterday at their site. All it was is stuff like a few bucks off at Overstock and jewelry stores which they never emailed me to tell me about. These are what I’ve gotten for the times I hit 2-4 of the 7 numbers. I inquired about it yet still got no response, but it’s okay. I’m not a jewelry person and Overstock doesn’t have anything exciting either. Neither are the other free offers I’ve won. I don’t need a coffeemaker or a razor. And of course, these offers aren’t “free.” There’s always some catch like we’ll give you the coffeemaker and the razor if you buy something from us. Meanwhile, I’ll have to write to the picture site in Maryland, since there’s no email or phone number, as to why I never received my $50 after May 3rd.

The two plants I had in Arizona seem to like Oregon as much as I don’t. Just when I thought the palm would never grow, it shot up about a foot! It came up to my hip before and now it’s at my chest. The Walmart palm is still slowly dying off.

Today’s a nice day for a change. Almost 70º and the nicest day so far this year. The heat hasn’t come on for a while which will greatly help our electric bill. The Friday afternoon barbecue session should be gearing up any moment.

Not much more than a week to go of being able to enjoy having the whole place to ourselves. I just hope Bev wasn’t wrong about the older lady moving in! I also hope to hell nothing came up that’s going to prevent the older lady from moving in, but even if she does, she could have more company than Bev, most of them obnoxious. There’s no saying for sure what we’re going to get until it gets here, but I know not to jump the gun if things are off to a good start. This is because people often start off fairly quiet. Then, once they get settled, they tend to let go, so to speak. Well, I hope they don’t go too crazy, because I still don’t think we’ll make it out of here. As I told Tom, if we can’t get out by July, I ain’t going. Not until we can get to California. I’m not going to “fight” to get out of here, and if I’m not meant to get out anytime soon, I’m not going to bother trying. Something up there wants us broke and with people, so broke and with people is how we’ll have to stay.

Later…

Still no washer, but today’s been the cheapest day here so far. The heat hasn’t been on in hours! I even decided to raise the foil an inch in the bedroom window that faces west by mom and daughter, to let the warmth and light in. Also, the main reason that sill has been staying so wet is that it hasn’t been getting any light or warmth. So I pulled the pieces of cardboard out and tacked up a wool blanket that I folded the long way in half. I’ll roll up the ends during the daytime. It’s still going to be brighter than I’d like at night, but it’s worth the savings we’ll get by not needing to run the heat as much. According to our old digital thermometer, it got up to 76º in here. It was nice! The temp is now dropping, though, because the sun just dipped down behind next door’s roof. Had we been on level ground, though, we’d have lost the direct sunlight a half-hour earlier. I can see where this side would be warmer in the summer, but it’s a trade-off because it’s better for the winter. I should’ve invested in drapes as soon as we could when we got in here. I knew we weren’t moving in May and I don’t know that we’ll make it out of here in the next few months either. Anyway, I’m amazed I haven’t heard a peep out of next door.

Later…

Tom got an email back from Meagan. She provided him with her current address which will be good until June, in case he needs to use her for a reference, though I still say God won’t allow him a better-paying job. Meagan, however, is doing way good for someone so young. She’s still with her long-time girlfriend, they’re making a ton of money, they’re having a place built, and now she’s pregnant. We assume she had artificial insemination, of course, but you know, I have to wonder – how did two women who started off with the same goals end up leading such different lives? Not that I regret meeting Tom or being unable to have kids, but still, I have to wonder. She and I both wanted to be with other women and have a child through artificial insemination as young women. She got to be with a woman and have the child. I didn’t. Why is that, I wonder? Why was it so important to God that I be a man’s woman, even if we evolved into nothing more than friends?

And why is it so important I don’t do the things I once wanted to do or want to do right now? Meagan wanted to be a teacher. She became one. I wanted to be a singer. I didn’t become one. Again, no regrets about not doing something I know I would’ve ended up hating with all the people and traveling involved, but can’t I ever want to do something I want and end up doing it with no regrets? It doesn’t seem so!

God may let me publish a book because it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if I didn’t, though He won’t let us have money because He knows I want that. We both do, for that matter, like most people in the world. He won’t even let us have the bike and washer we want! And I know we won’t get an old dumpy SUV or minivan any time soon, even though they’re practically giveaways here. Especially since he’s going to be forced to stop driving the truck in a couple of weeks because we won’t have the hundreds of dollars to renew its license. This means we’ll be limited to walking or taking buses just like I was back east. Why oh why do I keep getting thrown back in time and in so many ways??? Can’t I ever move ahead and stay there? I’m sick of the setbacks and I’m sick of having to start over what fate and others tear down. He’s nearly 48 and I’m nearly 40, yet we’ll be reduced to buses and walking all over again! Oh well. At least it’ll be good exercise and save us a ton of money since gas prices are insane.

Meagan said the sick cock that fired Tom for not being a religious freak quit because he knew he’d ultimately be laid off. Yeah, and I’m sure God led him straight into another great-paying job.

I just don’t understand why I’m so destined to be this puppet, pushed to go in life in places I mostly don’t want to go. If I set out to do a bunch of things I didn’t want to do, I’d bet I’d succeed then for damn sure. I just don’t get it. If I want to go right, why is God so quick to say, “No, you’re going left.” With the good things I have going for me in life, I don’t know if I can say He hates me, but He sure as hell doesn’t like me! There’s no doubt about that or anything anyone can say or do to convince me otherwise, and I’m not about to kid myself and try to tell myself I’m wrong when I know in my gut that I’m not. I was never good at brainwashing myself, and again, I don’t know that I’d want to be. Wouldn’t I only be kidding myself?

Although it only made it up to 53º today and the heater wasn’t off as long as yesterday, it was still off for a few hours. I wish I’d have thought to let some western sunlight in here months ago, just like Tom wishes he’d have checked Meagan’s whereabouts before applying for jobs. Again, it makes me wonder if we were guided into not thinking about these things sooner to keep us from making/saving money. If my gut instinct feels as strongly as it does, could I really be wrong? Somehow I doubt it. Besides, it isn’t just what my gut tells me, it’s logic. I mean, it really is rather obvious. Nobody loses this much without some force being against them.

I just wish I could snap my fingers and have us be in California with Oregon totally behind us! I’d settle for that much. Then, once we’re there, we’ll assume the queen will live on forever (and she just might!) and we’ll save for an old shit single-wide on our own. That way, we won’t end up wasting our time waiting for nothing if the selfish bitch leaves him nothing, but if she does, it can go towards the remodeling.

Just one more week of “living alone,” then in comes what I hope is a nice, quiet old lady with as little company as we have, though I doubt anyone in the world has as little company as us.

Tomorrow we’re going to walk to BK, then go over my book together. Then on Monday, I’m going to start a diet. I don’t feel like going hungry for the year it would take me to get thin, so I’ll settle for dropping 10 pounds for starters. I’m sick of the tight clothes, the big heavy tits, and the “pregnant” belly that doesn’t go away no matter how much I crunch it. I’ve simply been eating too much. My exercise has been adequate, but my calories definitely need to come down. I just wish I wasn’t always so damn hungry, but our appetites do expand with age as much as our metabolisms slow down. God definitely designed our bodies so most of us over 30 could be overweight!

Hopefully, by June 1st, we’ll know if Bob ever found the money order, because if he didn’t, we’ll get most of the money back.

We got mowed and edged on Monday by an older guy. It wasn’t all that loud, so I could see how I could sleep through it so long as the fan was on.

Bev was here with Romeo yesterday, but only for a little while. I think she’s pretty much done with all the cleaning and getting rid of things, though the patio blinds and one of her wind chimes are still here.