The average American now inherits $177,000, I just read? So God let my mother shaft me in death too, huh? 

Bastard. 

Then again, my 12k was just fine cuz it was all we needed to get what we wanted – a home of our own. It may not be perfect, but it’s all ours, baby. So if there really is a God and life isn’t all happenstance, He can keep the remaining 165 grand. 

After I dusted the living room earlier, I stood back and slowly gazed over the cavernous room and was like wow, all this is less than a year and a half! One good job, one determined bitch, and two dead assholes can really go a long way. I am a very lucky gal! 

We’re definitely not hurting for money right now. Hubby just spoiled me with TONS of birthday gifts. My wall statue came last night and it’s beautiful. Thinking it too will go in the master bath, only this one above the garden tub. 

Got an email from Mercy to sign up at their online site and I did. Seems better than Sutter’s. You can even upload a little avatar, LOL. Don’t see how to refill prescriptions, but I’m sure there’s a way. They said the site is new so they’re still setting it up. Hopefully, I won’t need the damn thing much anyway! 

Still waiting for them to call us about an endo referral. They said that could take weeks. I’m still going to try to get into the doctor the receptionist recommended. 

There’s more I could write about but I’m kinda tired. I was up 20 hours yesterday and only slept for about 6. I feel ok now, but for a while there I really felt overwhelmed by all that’s going on. Schedules, appointments, medication worries… it was just getting to me. But for every one stressor in life I have a dozen blessings, and this I try to keep in mind.

As I mentioned yesterday, Romeo, who is now old for a rat, appears to be dying. I soon realized he'd had a stroke. Not sure we'll lose him anytime soon, even though he can't go on much longer due to his age. Meanwhile, I was asleep when Tom got in. He thought he was dead, went out and dug a hole, then came back in and saw him move. Thank you, Romeo, for not being dumb enough to let your daddy bury you alive!!! 

Felt well till I’d been up 8-9 hours yesterday, then I felt some anxiety kick in – racing heart, shortness of breath, dizziness – and took a chill pill. It relieved all my symptoms and I felt so much better. No wonder people get addicted to the stuff. The only thing I hate about it is that it makes me drowsy. Anxiety is unpredictable and can hit me anytime when I least expect it. I’ve been fine so far, but if it kicks in later on I’m going to just try to tough it out so as not to hinder my schedule goals. I need to push it today and as it is I’m probably going to be dragging a good 4-5 hours or so before I want to crash. I fell about 15 minutes short of today’s goal, but it’s still looking good. Worst case scenario I crash a few hours before Andy does when he’s here. He’ll have his new Kindle to play with. Well, after Tom shows him how to play with it, LOL. He said the Wi-Fi is hooked up but he has no idea how to operate the thing. 

I’m so glad we have two Kindles. The Paperwhite is great for reading in bed, and the Fire is great for reading while on the treadmill. The design of this treadmill is perfect for it. I just wish the digital display lit up. I can also play music on it as well as read, so that’s nice for the strength training part of it I do before my cardio. 

Again I had another successful 30-minute workout. I already feel much stronger, fitter and energized. 

Still wish I knew what was causing this anxiety that I never had to this degree in my life. External sources? Chemical imbalance? Both? 

Two of my three birthday gifts have arrived. The outfit for my Adora doll is very pink and very shiny. Looks even better than it did online! 

My perfume is lovely, too. However, it’s not the one I had in mind. Apparently, this is from a collection and I got the wrong one. 

Last night I dreamed of one of the characters in my book, Jan, who happens to be based on a woman named Jan that I knew up in Oregon. She used to own a gift shop till she closed it to go all-digital. Jan is a lesbian. The dream was very vague, though, and I can’t remember much about it. Something about seeing her hugging or kissing her GF, then me later telling her when we were alone that I’d be jealous if I were single. Jan was/is my usual “type,” tall and dark, but I sensed that she could be a bit of a bitch at times. 

First hotel dream I had in a while, too. In the dream, I woke up to find Tom was out somewhere. I got off the bed, which was against the wall a few feet in front of the door. I could hear the housekeeper close by and wanted to hurry and shower before she got to our room. We were due to leave soon anyway. 

I turned around, surprised to find a lamp or a fan on a stand sitting on top of the bed I’d just gotten out of. I couldn’t remember placing it there, but didn’t make much of it. 

I headed into the bathroom and started to approach the corner shower stall when I heard voices and felt outside air blowing into the room. There was an “opening” to the right of the shower. Then I turned into a small room to grab a towel. There were heaps of towels and only a few folded ones that appeared clean, so I grabbed one and retraced my steps. The cement floor was a bit uphill, as they never leveled the ground before they poured the concrete floors.

Just when I was thrilled to do 10 minutes of strength training and could already feel my body strengthening back up, followed by 10 minutes on the treadmill, I discovered Romeo’s dying. He is very old now so I’m not surprised. I’m more surprised that Sugar is still alive. He’s pretty old too, and had a stroke last spring. I wonder if Romeo had a stroke (that and tumors are common rat killers) because when he crawled into the burrow, he was dragging his left leg. Even though Romeo wasn’t the greatest of rats, I still feel a pinch of sadness. 

Anyway, to back up to yesterday; it was a productive yet shitty day. I was both tired and dizzy all damn day; the dizzy spells being related to the hypothyroidism. Probably didn’t eat right either. 

Then I had a schedule scare of sorts, you could say. Despite being exhausted I managed to stay up 18 hours. But after 4.5 hours of sleep, I woke up. Not sure if a vehicle woke me up, something flying by, or if I woke up just because. It took me two hours to fall back asleep for another few hours. I had to take Melatonin (that was brave of me) to knock myself back out. Had I not been able to get back to sleep it might’ve messed up my schedule for Andy's visit. 

Woke up sort of groggy but an hour or two later I managed to perk up. Only one dizzy spell so far today, but who knows how I’ll feel later on? I just miss the old me that could go more than a day or two without feeling off be it physically or emotionally. 

I’m psyched for my online friend who has what I have and is feeling so much better since starting her own medication. I hope that’ll be the case when mine starts in a little over a week. I just have to make sure they don’t give me more than my body can handle. 

Although we won’t do most of the cleaning till the end of the week, Tom took off the shower doors in his bathroom and really got the things looking better. The people that last lived here were very lazy and years of calcium and shit like that had built up on them. 

Later… 

Maliheh apparently checked out one of my blogs, (funny cuz I swore I dreamed about her last night) or was in her email folder where she stores my past emails to her. Most likely the email. I don’t understand why either. If she wants nothing to do with me, then why save them? It was definitely her, and I was wrong about her moving like I thought she did. She’s still on Wright Ct., a short dead-end road. The other times she came in were probably when she was out somewhere. Surprised she’d use Windows, though. 

Did she specifically open an email of mine, or did she just access the area they’re stored in? Whatever the case, it took her 2 minutes to do whatever she was doing. It’d be funny as hell if someone hacked that account. 

One thing I’m sure of… I want nothing to do with the vindictive, phony bitch. 

As for Doc Hottie, she was definitely on Facebook last night because she changed her profile and cover photos, one being with the guy she’s with. The friend request still says it’s pending, and my #1 guess still says she never got it. Thanks, God, for your never-ending obsession with keeping the hotties away from me unless they’re on the other side of the world. You’re wonderful. *rolls eyes* 

Anyway, I’ve made one last-ditch effort to flag her attention. If this doesn’t work, then it wasn’t meant to be. One thing I can’t stand to do is struggle or work at something that isn’t in my cards. I’ve always known we weren’t meant to be friends, but I still had to try just in case there was a million-to-one chance I was surprised. 

What I did was I shared a picture of hers containing a leatherback turtle. I figured she’d be more likely to be ok with that than if I shared a picture of her or someone else. I commented about the picture being “cool,” though the fucker’s uglier than ugly, and said I hoped she got the friend request and to please let me know if she’d rather not be added so I could cancel the request. Certainly, both God and Facebook would allow the share to appear in her list of notifications, right? Right? I just hope they’ll also let me know it if God forbid she does try to add or contact me. My guess is she might get a share notification but will choose to ignore it. 

Later… 

The good doc hasn’t bitten my final piece of bait. Wow, she is really either doing a great job of ignoring me or she is totally in the dark, thanks to glitchy Facebook or maybe just God Himself. My guess is God doesn’t have to “break” things, but just make sure they don’t work. She may have not checked in since I shared her turtle pic, so right now I’m still leaning toward her not knowing of my request and messages. If I don’t hear anything from her in a few days, then yes, she’s got to be ignoring me. I can’t believe she wouldn’t at least get a share notification when I shared her pic.

I would have beaten my wake-up goal had it not been for a loud-assed truck waking me up, but I at least made my goal. Wish I could snap my fingers and have it be the 23rd! Not just because I’m excited to see Andy, but because having to maneuver my schedule for as many things as I’ve had to for a while now is very hard on my body. I need to stay up till around 11am if I’m going to make tonight’s goal. That’ll be hard. I’ll pump some caffeine into me later and will hope for the best. 

Another thing that’s still hard on me for reasons I don’t get is that damn bike. The plan was to ride 2 miles around the circle, which would be 10 rounds. After just 4 rounds, though, I had to stop because my heart was booming. My God, WTF is wrong with me?!?! The doctor said I could do 30 minutes 5x a week yet I had to stop after just 10 minutes of riding around the circle, which is almost flat. WTF?! How/why did I become so weak and out of shape all of a sudden? I could feel every muscle in my legs pushing and straining. The gear wheel hasn’t arrived yet. Really hope that helps! 

I've been in the same 5-pound weight range for half a decade now and have tried to be as consistent as I can with keeping moving except for when I felt REALLY shitty, yet it feels like I haven't worked out in years. :( The only difference is that I didn't panic this time around when my heart took off at airplane speed, now that I know and understand a little bit about how the heart works and how it stops beating when it’s having an attack instead of beating fast. 

That burning that occurred in my throat after the ride was as baffling, frustrating and alarming as the booming heart. Like my thyroid was leaking acid or some shit. I’ve had this type of burning sensation before, too. 

After I rested a while I did 5-10 minutes of a mix of light jogging on the treadmill and strength training exercises for the arms, legs and abs, including those killer wall sits. Of course I could only “sit” for about 20 seconds. :( 

Later… 

Tom replaced the plastic ceiling panels in the kitchen and the ceiling looks sooo much better! I’m glad one of us is tall too, LOL. 

He also got me some awesome birthday presents on Amazon, even though it’s still a few weeks away. Another one of those awesome erotic wall sculptures, Faith Hill’s Soul2Soul Vintage perfume, and a pink sequined dress for one of my Adora dolls. He definitely spoiled me big time. :) 

Decided to do two 25k-word stories instead of one 50k-word story. Story #1 is done! It is called The Other Side of the Nightmare. Next up is reworking my abandoned manuscript for River of Implications, which I outlined in 2010! 

Had a weird dream last night where Tom and I were at a beach called High Wave Beach because the waves were very “high” and would crash upon the shores. You had to be careful not to get too close to the shore of this particular beach or else the waves would literally swallow you up. 

Then I dreamed that Nancy, the bitch from jail that threatened me, was staying with us. As always, our house didn’t look like it really does. Before she fell asleep on our living room couch she ate some candy bars and then asked where the two were that I had. I just shrugged and said I didn’t know because I knew she’d want them. Tom didn’t pick up, though, and instead he said something about them being behind the door. So when she wasn’t looking, I found them behind some door and shoved them under some clothes in a dresser drawer. 

Later on, she was asleep on the couch and I was up fretting over her and how much I wanted her to leave. I was afraid of her, though, and didn’t have the guts to order her out. I also didn’t want her to know I was going to go to Tom about getting rid of her, so I had a dilemma to make. I would be asleep by the time he got up, so I could either wake him up to kick her out at the present moment, or I could leave him a note ordering her to leave. I decided to write a note, but every time I started to write, the words would blur into each other. 

Later… 

Andy and I discussed his memory issues, which have been OMG HORRIBLE. I’ve noticed it this past year especially. He said he told his mother two years ago that he thinks he’s losing his memory, but she doesn’t seem to think so. I told him to tell her that with all due respect, YES he is! Really, it’s been scary bad. I think she had moved to CA by the time it really started getting bad, and no, I don’t think he’s playing with me. God, I hope not. Not sure which would be worse in that case, having a friend deliberately annoy me (in which case they wouldn’t be a true friend), or having something be wrong with him. 

It’s been terrible, though. As soon as I got up I checked in with him and told him I would’ve beat my wake-up goal had it not been for being woken up by that truck, but that I did at least make the goal (and I told him what that goal was just yesterday). A short while later I get, “Did you just get up? I thought you’d still be sleeping,” and I’m like, we just fucking went over that! 

This is becoming a regular everyday thing with him and I constantly have to explain and remind him of things over and over and over again. I told him not to hesitate to mention it to his doctor and reminded him that most people choose polite over blunt. I’d be willing to bet others have noticed it too, but haven’t said so, just like most people wouldn’t admit to someone that they were fat. But we’re close enough to be honest with each other, and I interact with him enough to see there’s a definite problem. But only he can either ignore it or look into it. I can only point out what I see on my end. 

Later… 

Having a rather rough night tonight. First my heart booms during my workout. Then my throat burns. Then I feel a bit gloomy, especially after reading that entry about the grandmother suffering as she dies of cancer. Now I’m lightheaded as hell, short of breath, and sick of being alone so much of the time. 

Sometimes I wonder if the levothyroxine permanently fucked me up and if I’ll ever feel better again whether I do or don’t take it. What if this is it? What if this will always be life as I’ll know it for the rest of my life? What if I never get better? I mean it’s great that I went a few weeks with no chill pill and it’s great that I didn’t panic when my heart was booming really bad on the bike, but where my heart should be filled with happiness and my head filled with good thoughts, I am instead filled with head rushes, booming hearts, burning throats, and emotionally off. 

I feel like everything’s reversed itself from when we were in Auburn. Where we were poor during most of the time in the trailer, now we’ve got money. Where I felt pretty healthy emotionally and physically, now I don’t. Where Tom was a constant presence, now I rarely see him. Unless we’re both on days during weekends, I never see him during the week. If I’m on nights during the week, he’s sleeping. If I’m on days during the week, he’s working. I’m alone WAY too much. This is not helping my emotional state. It also serves as a reminder that I could never live alone like I once did many years ago. 

I’ve been alone since I got up just before 6pm. I’ll see my husband for a few hours this morning before I crash, most of which will be spent under his headphones watching movies. 

I don’t want to cry on his shoulder when I do see him, but I don’t want to keep things held in forever either. It only makes it worse when I do that.

The good doc’s friend count is still at 325 and there doesn’t seem to be any activity in her account since I sent my request. So for all I know she may not have checked in tonight. Can’t believe she’d skip the entire weekend, so if I’m not accepted by Monday, then I think it’s safe to assume the request probably never went through. Oh, how brief the hotties I meet in person are in my life! That can’t be a coincidence. It just can’t be. 

Gotta admit I’m kind of surprised I’ve gone this long without new trolls latching onto me, but I’m not worried about it. I know how to block those I can block and ignore those I can’t block. Definitely surprised, though. It seems to go hand in hand with blogging. 

Really hope my thyroid hasn’t become enlarged, as it can if left untreated too long. Treatment begins in about a week and a half (after Andy leaves so Tom can be here with me and I don’t have to deal with worrying about that while trying to enjoy my company). It just seems like there’s a tightness in my throat at times. I have an old turtleneck I wear when dying my hair and the last time I wore it, it felt noticeably tighter around my neck. Yet I’ve been in the same 5-pound weight range for about 5 years now. It seems more noticeable when I’m lying down. My new primary didn’t say anything, though, when she felt it, so maybe it’s just anxiety. 

Speaking of anxiety…although I had no racing heart, I ended up getting a bit anxious at the end of my day yesterday. I was up forever because I had a second cup of coffee toward the end of my day (I usually just have one when I get up) and between that and worrying if the damn gland was enlarging, I had to take a chill pill to calm down enough to finally get some sleep after being up 20 hours. At least I ended up getting up later than I planned to which will help prepare my schedule for Andy easier. 

I will be having lab work done soon and seeing my primary again in mid-February. An appointment with my new endocrinologist will be scheduled soon, but I’m sure it’ll take 2-6 months just to get in to see her/him. 

I’m psyched for my sister, even if I’m still not sure just what it is she’s doing. She mentioned something about training to become a victim’s advocate, then something about getting badges from the district attorney’s office and maybe sitting in with those who have committed felonies, misdemeanors or with juveniles. Again, I’m not sure what her role will be, but I’m guessing it has something to do with supporting victims of crime. I’m waiting to hear more details about it, but hey, if she can help make a difference in our corrupt and twisted system, more power to her. How the hell is she doing all this on disability, though? 

Later… 

Read a very sad and terrifying entry I almost wished I hadn’t read about a woman who watched her beloved grandmother suffer a horrible, horrible death from lung cancer. This was a woman who was totally devoted to God and all that. Loved and trusted the hell outa Him. But the granddaughter is now understandably pissed off at God for letting her suffer so horribly in the end. She said she was actually begging God to kill her as she struggled in pain, anxiety and fear in the final hours. As the granddaughter said, she suffered so much the last 15 years that she didn’t understand why He couldn’t just let her go peacefully in her sleep. Why did He have to put her through that one last time and what did she ever do to deserve that, etc.? I agree that the “God works in mysterious ways” line doesn’t cut it. Especially in such an extreme situation like that. Neither does the “Oh, He just has other plans for me” when one’s prayers are denied. I mean, what other plans? To suffer to death? Great plans! 

I won’t even get into the whole thing about how IF there really is a God He’s not always the nice guy people want to think he is, because people will refuse to believe what they simply don’t want to believe. That’s not the point right now. The point is that this is twenty-fucking-fourteen! Where the hell were the doctors and nurses during all this? You mean to tell me that with medicine as advanced as it is today they couldn’t have spared her all this misery?! If she was as wonderful as the granddaughter at least made her sound, then it pisses me off all the more to know how easy my own abusive shit of a mother had it in the end. 

Secondly, this is exactly what I fear the end has in store for me as well. I don’t know when, and it may not be lung cancer or any kind of cancer for that matter, but I’m afraid the bastard’s going to torment the shit out of me in the end much in the same manner. I’m sure He’ll think it’s really fucking funny, too. 

*sighs with confusion and frustration* Am I agnostic or atheist??? Well, as Dana would say either way; you’re not facing anything like that right now – today – this moment – so just focus on the here and now.

The friend request to Doctor Hottie has officially been sent! In response to my message on the health site, she said, “Thank you for letting me know. Good luck with everything. Take care.” 

Was the “take care” a sort of a brush-off, even though she didn’t tell me not to contact her on Facebook, or was she just being polite and professional? I mean, I suppose that because it is a health site, after all, she can’t just say, “Sure, no problem. See you there!” 

Guess I’ll find out soon enough. At least I hope so anyway. All I’ll be able to tell is if she accepts or denies it. If the request still says it’s pending, I won’t know if she’s ignoring it or didn’t get it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t get it. I was never joking when I said I really think something up there goes out of its way to keep me away from those I lust for, especially if they live near me. Not sure why, though, when all it has to do (assuming it’s all-powerful) is just make sure we never meet in person again. Really, what difference would it make if she was just 5 minutes away from here if I could never see her again other than online? 

Wonder how she felt when she read my “Dear John” message? Was she happy? Bummed out? Indifferent? Wish I could say she was thrilled because she would prefer to be my buddy than my doctor, but I know better, LOL. Chances are the request will remain pending and unseen forever. If not, denied. Those would be my first two guesses anyway, even if there’s always room for a tiny shred of hope for me to be pleasantly surprised.

Alison just told me that a friend request can still appear as pending even if it’s been denied. Wow. I didn’t know this. Eh, I don’t expect her to get and accept the request, but I can’t say I didn’t at least click the “add friend” button and try. 

How did Andy become so damn forgetful and so dumb? Really, he seems way more forgetful than I’ve ever been at my worst and I just get so tired of having to go over the same damn things with him over and over again. On Wednesday I told him I had an appointment and the next day he asked where I went. I told him should rethink using full names on Ask because the site is Googlable and could lead people to us that we’d rather remain hidden from. Less than 24 hours later he says he dreamed extensively of Shelley R, spelling out her last name. 

Sometimes I don’t know if he just doesn’t pay attention (he admits he’s no fan of reading and would prefer pictures), has something wrong with him that makes him seriously forgetful, or if he’s just doing it to annoy me. He has done that in the past. No matter how many times I tell him I’m not interested in the graphic details of his daily dumps, I have to hear them anyway. He’s a genuine opposite-doer who loves to rebel. It’s part of why I try to appear unfazed when he does something that I at least suspect is done to try to annoy me. If I let him know it bothers me, he’ll do it some more. Makes me wonder at times just how true of a friend he really is.

I’m so nervous about tomorrow’s doctor’s appointment with my new primary that I may take a chill pill for the first time in about 3 weeks before bed. I’ve had anxiety coming and going all night that’s been more annoying than scary, but that I could still do without. It may help me sleep better, too. Don’t know if I’ll take one right before I see her or not. 

Yes, it’s nerve-wracking seeing a doctor I don’t know and have never seen before, but nothing’s got me more terrified than the thought of returning to thyroid medication of any kind. Or statins and anything else for that matter. Treatments, procedures and medications can be a lot scarier than the actual disease! 

If they find some new problem when I get around to having blood drawn, I will absolutely scream. I won’t have much of an update tomorrow, and whenever I do get around to doing an entry, it may be late in the evening. 

Just over 21k words for my NaNoWriMo story. I’m trying to get as far ahead on that as I can to make up for days I’ll be too busy to write. Sometimes I get bored with my story, but it does help me to keep my mind off of things to a degree. 

After tomorrow is when I make the big schedule flip in preparation for Andy. I joked with him earlier saying, “Just think, the next time you hear me bitch about having to stay up long hours to reverse my schedule it will be because of YOU!” LOL, at least it will be for a worthy cause. 

Wondering why I haven’t heard from Tammy about her MRI. Hopefully, she’ll leave me a message tomorrow. 

They weren’t kidding about the rain. It’s just now starting out there from what I can hear. We’re supposed to be in for a mix of rain and clouds tomorrow and a high of 64°. Kinda wish I could be in Hawaii or Florida till the spring. 

Later… 

My appointment is over! No more appointments this month – yes! It went pretty much as expected. Lots of paperwork to fill out being a first-timer and a little bit of a wait in the waiting room of about 10 minutes. Doctor A was very nice. Shorter than me too, which is something I don’t see very often. 

My BP was slightly high, but that was mostly because I was nervous. She felt the glands in my neck and my stomach as well. Didn’t take my temp or look in my eyes and ears, though. 

Even though I was hoping I could work with just her, she is going to refer me to an endocrinologist after all. The lady at the desk referred me to one that she sees and says is wonderful and will spend all day with you if that’s what you need, so I’ll probably give her a call at some point, and of course there’s lab work that needs to be done too, and an eventual ultrasound. 

I told her what happened after being on 75mcg of levothyroxine, and sure enough, she gave me a prescription to start at 25. This drug takes time to build up in the body and she doesn’t feel comfortable with me going without any medication at all and reminded me how it can raise cholesterol levels and put you at risk of a heart attack and all that. Hopefully, my cholesterol numbers will be at least a little lower since I’ve made a point of almost never having eggs, bacon, red meats, and other high-cholesterol foods. She also recommends what I already do – at least 30 minutes of exercise 5 days a week. For a while, I was at 3-5 days for 20 minutes because I was paranoid about elevating my heart too much and then having an anxiety attack on top of an already elevated pulse. 

The only problem is that technically the racing heart isn’t a “side effect” of the levothyroxine but what they want. They want to elevate your heart. That’s the whole point of taking it; to get your metabolism moving again. It was more than likely that my not being used to that effect was what spawned all the anxiety attacks. Still, be it from the medication or my own anxious self, I don’t ever want to experience anything as intense as I did for a while there. It wasn’t just annoying, it was scary. 

Doc C was right, though, about the levothyroxine not being as responsible for me going into freak-out mode as I first thought it was, and of course this was reinforced after I stopped taking it yet continued to have symptoms. I think the higher doses, however, do feed the anxiety a bit and that I’d be better not going over 50mcg. So I’m pretty sure it still had at least a little part in influencing it. 

Gonna miss Doc C big time!!! She was one of the kindest (and prettiest) docs I ever had. I let her know online why I had to cancel her, that it had nothing to do with her personally, and that I hoped to catch her at some point on Facebook (unless she responds telling me not to add her there). 

Doc A wants me to continue my counseling but not take the lorazepam unless it’s absolutely necessary. It’s probably going to be several months before I can feel comfortable enough with no anxiety medication here and there and without seeing Dana. I signed a release form so they can request my records from Sutter, and also a form that lets them test for drug abuse. Lorazepam is addicting and some people get carried away with it. Believe me, I don’t want to get dependent on the shit. It’s just for when it gets bad. Last night I took one for the first time in a few weeks because I was anxious over today’s appointment and knew I would have trouble sleeping if I didn’t. When I was actually at the doctor’s office I realized how silly it seemed to be all wound up last night since everyone was so nice, but sometimes we get nervous and we gotta do what we gotta do. 

They do have an online site, so we learned, just like Sutter had. I was glad to learn this. It makes things way more convenient. I’ll be setting that up later on. 

I’m not going to start the levothyroxine till a few days after Andy leaves when Tom will have 4 days off, so I don’t have to be alone. 

While I’m not at all looking forward to going back to medication, appointments, and all that shit, I just feel sooo much better now that I met my new primary and can know I’ve got the rest of the month off! Well, almost anyway. The only pressure on me now is flipping my schedule for Andy, but Tom says that will be “easy.” I hope he’s right because he said aiming it for this week’s appointments would be hard, but it wasn’t. Oh, I would’ve slept later if I could have, but I wasn’t drop-dead exhausted or anything like that. 

Just hugged and kissed Tom good night and now I want to go hug and kiss my rats. :)

Had a TERRIFYING nightmare about Tom. In the dream, I noticed he’d been having trouble breathing all day. Then it seemed to worsen and right as I was about to ask if he was ok, he clutched his chest in pain and started muttering incoherent words. I was going back and forth between trying to make out his words and then chanting, “Please don’t kill him, God, please don’t kill him, God,” as I raced for the phone. 

In another dream, next door painted their house red, but the house looked totally different and much bigger than it really is. It had two floors. I said to Tom, “Wow, they must really have a lot of money to hire people to paint both inside and out for them. How much would that cost?” 

Then Tom comes up with some ridiculous amount like 20k and next I see two unfamiliar cars in their driveway. In the dream, it’s early December and I realize that Bob and Virginia are probably on vacation and the cars belong to their kids and grandkids who are housesitting for them. 

So I guess the smoke detector does see me after all. A ring of white light appears around it when I walk by but only when it’s dark. Too bad the light isn’t brighter cuz then we could do away with the nightlight below it. It’s not that bright at all, though, so I don’t see the point in it.

Although I awoke the usual 6-8 times during my sleep for a moment or two, I feel well-rested. Can’t remember my dreams, though. Actually, there is one dream that wasn’t very nice. 

I don’t know why, but I was living in a rural area and called the paramedics out. While I was waiting, a male cop called that I seemed to know and that I seemed to think wasn’t too happy with me for some reason. I said something about calling for paramedics being hit or miss where I lived, and he said he “guaranteed” they’d be coming. I thanked him and hung up before anything else could be said. 

Still not sure I’ll win this year’s NaNoWriMo with all I have going on, but I wrote more than I thought I would last night. 

The purple zebra blanket arrived today and it contrasts beautifully with the room’s dark pink curtains and mint green walls. This blanket won’t be used till the spring, though.

Just a few more days now and I’ll be messaging Doc Hottie to let her know I won’t be seeing her anymore. Aw. That is unless my own experience with Mercy turns out to be a nightmare. Then I’ll return to the hottie and just ditch Dr. D for someone else. I don’t think that’ll happen, though. 

She sure has a lot of Facebook friends. Like 325 of them, and she does seem to check in several times a week. She rarely posts anything so unless you watch her friend count, it seems like she’s hardly ever there. Her nurse mentioned her being off in early December, so my guess is that she’ll change profile pics and cover photos taken wherever it was she went during that time, or at least more recent pics, even if she doesn’t travel. 

If by some off-chance she lets me add her, I wonder how likely she would be to see what I post with hundreds of friends on her newsfeed? 

I only have 22 friends. I’m VERY picky about how I add on Facebook. 

Heard from Kim again after a long time. I almost deleted her too, cuz I didn’t think I’d hear from her again. All she said was her birthday (last September) got a little crazy, her son had an injury, and she likes our living room set. I posted pics of that yesterday.  

I may not be as appearance-obsessed as I used to be and like most people are, as I prefer to focus more on health, happiness and general comfort, but I still like shopping just as much as most people do. 

We have a new wheel for my Cruiser bike coming with a 3-speed hub on it to make going uphill easier. As I said, if you don’t live in Arizona, don’t get a cruiser! Big mistake. Tom said they originated along the SoCal coastline where the land is flat. Well, it’s not flat here. Besides, if you have tachycardia you don’t need that much of an incline to overdo it and really get your heart feeling like it’s gonna jump out of your chest. 

I also got a violet zebra-striped blanket that will actually fit this bed (it’s for the warmer months) and a set of sky-blue jersey sheets. 

Tom installed our new smoke detector. When we tested it I thought it was going to have all these fancy sirens and shit, but it just makes a high-pitched shrilly sound like most of them make. What’s cool about it is that whenever it goes off, it will call you in case you’re not home. It also talks you through its test and will first give you a verbal warning if it detects smoke. If it’s not a real fire and you wave your arms in front of it, the alarms won’t go off a few minutes later. It lights up when you walk by but it’s not bright enough to make a nightlight for the hallway, and I’m too short anyway. 

Really not sure I’m going to win this year’s NaNoWriMo as I am just so, so busy. 

Tomorrow I meet with Dana, and then we’re going to go to Target on the way back. We were going to go today, but figured it would be less crowded on a Monday. 

There’s more I could write about, but I don’t really feel up to it now, so I guess that’s it for now. 

Later… 

Got to Dana’s office barely an hour after rolling out of bed. Although I felt more relaxed than the last time I saw her, she could still see that I was a bit anxious, especially as my doctor’s appointment looms closer. I could be back on thyroid meds as soon as Thursday. :( Anyway, this is the third time I’ve seen her. I will probably see her 2 or 3 more times, and then HOPEFULLY I will be safely back on medication with no serious anxiety issues. 

After leaving her office we went to Target where I got another one of those 1-piece PJ sets I like. This one doesn’t have a hood like my leopard one. This one has snow sledding penguins against a very light mint green background with scattered snowflakes. 

For just $6 I got a cute mini-doll with green eyes and auburn hair. They make these mini versions of these 18” dolls and she’s one of them. She wears a pink trench coat over a black and white striped shirt with jeans and pink-tipped tan boots. And no, I don’t care who has a problem with me getting a doll at my age, even though adult doll collectors are quite common. I like Lana, so people with Nane's attitude will just have to deal with it. :) 

Tried a Soul 2 Soul Vintage tester by Faith Hill and love it! It stands out and doesn’t smell like most perfumes. 

Tom decided he does indeed want to get the 3D printer he’s been thinking of getting, and told me to think about what I want for my birthday. Then, we agreed to take a break from shopping till the summer. This doesn’t mean we can’t buy flooring or other home improvement items, but we’ll take a break from most of the fun stuff. 

I’m torn between another one of those erotic wall statues and an amazing clock I saw at Sam’s Club where we went after Target. On the way out I spotted this shiny Seiko clock with Swarovski crystals that play songs every hour. It’s from the Melodies in Motion series. I looked up a YouTube vid to see how it sounded and what it did. The numbers spin and the crystals light up and sparkle and all that. While it is a very pretty clock and it sounds nice I don’t think I need a 100-dollar clock. 

He had a hotdog at Sam’s while I had a delicious slice of cheese pizza, then we picked up his blood pressure medication and grabbed a few things. The pizza later gave me the runs because it was so greasy. Sure was good, though! 

As usual, I woke up several times throughout my sleep. I know I had tons of dreams but can only remember a few snippets – me singing loudly, and then coming home to a house that looked nothing like this one just to find myself baffled by an upturned fake tree. Wondering how it got toppled over while I was out, I searched the place for signs of a break-in. 

The only other thing I remember is waking up in what looked like our Maricopa home to find Tom snoring on the couch. He’d apparently fallen asleep after watching TV. He soon got up and told me, with a smile on his face, that he was “shocked” at work. At first I thought he was going to come out and tell me they shocked him with an unexpected raise, but I guess “shocked” in this dream meant they felt an earthquake at work. He said certain people in Arizona would feel it in the future too, though I don’t remember what types of people were supposedly going to feel it.

I peeked into the garden tub as I went to use the bathroom just now. Spiders sometimes like to show up there. Talk about mixed emotions. I hate the things so I don’t want to spot any, but at the same time, I almost wished I did just so I could have fun drowning the little booger. 

Poor Tom. He has a few teeth he needs either pulled or filled, but he is absolutely terrified of dentists. He hasn’t been to one since way before we met in 1993. I told him I’d go with him to my wonderful dentist if he wanted, and he goes, ”How would you laughing at me help?” I promised not to laugh. Well, maybe afterward I would, haha. 

Really hoping to get an invitation to buy Amazon Echo’s “Alexa.” It’s an awesome device that when given vocal commands will gather info for you from the cloud. Things like the weather, how to spell words, and so much more. It will make grocery lists for you, music playlists, and an endless possibility of things. Because we’re prime members we can get it for just $100. 

I walked about a mile earlier and passed two neighbors who were out by the side of the street on the other side of the circle. One was a lady who had exterminators out for beetles. I don’t know her name so I’ll refer to her as the beetle lady. 

The other woman lives at the house where these two little girls often visit and this damn mutt always barks at me when I go by. I’ll call her the dog lady. 

Well, the beetle lady was chatting with the dog lady as I went round and round the block. They said hello to me. On my last round, the beetle lady said, “Look at her going round and round.” 

I passed them, spun around on my heel, and said, “Actually, you guys have been chatting for about a mile now.” 

The beetle lady laughed and the dog lady said, “That means we’re good neighbors.” 

The polite part of me agreed aloud. The evil side silently thought that the beetle lady would be an even better neighbor if she took a frying pan to that damned mutt.

Today’s the day we get our new living room set! First one in a decade, since I don’t exactly count the futon we had for the 5 years were in the trailer or the couch that was left here. 

I went out for a walk around 3:30. It was a gorgeous, dry 75°. As I walked down the street, a guy that was out raking leaves kinda looked at me funny. Then I circled around the block and passed by him a second time. That’s when he introduced himself as Ray and asked if I lived on Radiance. This guy’s about 4 houses down from ours. 

So I told him where we lived and he was surprised at how long we’d been there and that he hadn’t seen me before since he knew literally everyone in all 32 houses on the street. So well that he could even tell me there were 17 widows, 6 widowers, and that the average age on our street was in the 70s. I guess the woman across from us is Canadian, which he teases her about. We were, from what somebody told him, referred to as the “young people” that moved in on the corner. 

He was very friendly and talkative. When he asked if we were the ones with the Caddy, I said yes. He said he noticed that cuz he has one, too. His is a year older than ours. We’ve actually seen several caddies in this park, old and new. 

His wife, Lenora, is the editor of the monthly Crier. He said old people are opinionated and therefore quick to call with both comments and complaints. The slightest grammatical error and they’re quick to call, LOL. 

He’s been here 4 years and asked how I liked the park. I told him the same thing I’ve pretty much thought since we moved here; it’s a beautiful park, but it’s a bit noisier than I’d like during the weekdays. 

Then he mentioned how one of the houses we looked at, which is directly behind his house, was flipped and how they were doing renovations 7 days a week on it. He said he and others complained about the contractors coming in every single day, and that it’s backed off ever since. 

Wish they’d back off the landscapers and the woodworkers! I told him I sometimes found it distracting to hear someone landscaping one minute, someone getting some kind of home improvement done the next, and then someone sawing and hammering. I later came to regret mentioning Bob and his saw, realizing it may sound like I’m bashing him behind his back. He even went on to point out how close the houses were and all that, and I wonder if Bob mentioned my going to him about the sawing. Even more so when he told me not to hesitate to go to his place if I ever wanted any advice or had any questions. 

I might just be totally paranoid, but while I hope I haven’t offended anyone, I’m here to live. Not make friends and meet my neighbors’ approval. I have just as much right not to hear loud power tools barely a stone’s throw away, as Bob does to use the damn things. But it would be nice if the guy had enough consideration to close his garage door while he’s at it. :) 

Other than the little things people (and those that come to service them) may do to annoy me at times, those I’ve met so far are very nice. We still see Hazel sweeping from time to time, but I haven’t seen that guy, Ron, that I met our first summer here down by the lake. 

Later… 

Our new living room set has arrived and it’s beautiful! So glad they didn’t have the chocolate brown and we could get the cream-colored one instead. It goes PERFECT with our carpet. 

The only thing that’ll take some getting used to is how incredibly firm it is, and the leather backing and base. But for its price, it is an awesome deal and it looks so great! As Tom pointed out, Andy will probably want to sleep on the chaise since the other part of the couch is a bit narrow unless you pull the cushions off the back. Still, it’s even a bit narrow for me. 

So the living room is now complete and this weekend we will be getting new plastic ceiling panels for the kitchen. Still got more to do, though, over the next few years – finish painting, pick up a new kitchen set, replace the toilets, medicine cabinets and shower doors, etc. 

I went to change the rats’ cage last night, and sure enough, as I was bent over scooping, my heart beat fast and hard. It was a lot like what happened on the bike. I went to lie down and then a light, but noticeable cramp hit me that was centered behind my left breast. This lasted about 5 minutes. After 5-10 minutes, I got up and was fine. What was UTTERLY AMAZING was that I didn’t panic and wasn’t even close to running and waking Tom up over it. Still, was this really “normal?” It may’ve been beating as fast/hard as it needed to, but it shouldn’t have “needed” to in that case. I was scooping rat shit. Not running for my life. Definitely gotta mention this to the doctor next Thursday. 

Tammy, who loved the living room set, is having an MRI done on her neck. I guess she might have a pinched nerve due to age and arthritis. She also said something about training to become a victim’s advocate but didn’t elaborate.

Tom said I could do Nutrisystem if I wanted to but that being back on medication will cause me to lose weight. 

It will? That’s not what happened last time. Last time I didn’t lose till the side effects got to me and made me too sick to eat as much (I have since regained those 5 pounds), I told him. As the doctor herself said, the meds don’t make you lose weight. They just make your body more likely to respond to dieting. Only there’s no way I can stand to have just 1200 calories a day, medication or not, so I don’t expect to ever lose. 

What’s more important is avoiding those nasty side effects. That was a really, really rough 3.5 months. Still feel that damn lump in my throat, though, but find it hard to believe it’s anxiety because why would that be the only symptom I felt? Could be, though. I have a lot on my plate right now. Just the usual schedule stress along with the medication fears. Kinda hope I’m not put back on meds till after Andy leaves. I don’t want to deal with worrying about what side effects I may get while he’s here, or worse, actually having them. The added stress may make lining my schedule up even harder as well. 

One thing that was disturbing was an excerpt from late January that I found in my journal. My memory isn’t all that great right now so I decided to look and see if I mentioned any racy hearts upon first going onto the medication (before they upped my dose and the real nightmare began) and I did mention it racing a little. Oh great. Just great. Right now a little is a lot to me as nervous as I am about that. 

Stumbled across a site that gives sample business cards for free so I designed 10 cards with my email addy and links to my blog, Twitter, Facebook, and Ask account. Don't know who the hell I'd pass these out to, but they’d be cool to have. 

Woman in Nordstrom: Abandons child so she can assault a woman who asks her to quiet her brat down and gets away with it.

Jodi S: Goes to jail for words on paper. 

One more reason to hate God.

It has been a record-breaking two weeks now since I’ve had any anxiety and needed the lorazepam. Still nervous about meeting with my new doctor and more than nervous about returning to medication. That hanging over my head is no fun. I swear there might as well be an invisible person here shaking a pill bottle at me with an evil grin on their face, hell-bent on reminding me what I cannot escape forever. And what should happen when I try to eat less? Oh, just those damn head rushes again. 

Didn’t get to wake up in peace this morning. They really love to have their carpet cleaned around here. If I heard correctly, someone was getting theirs cleaned somewhere in back. Then I heard movement from Bob for about 45 minutes. Things were being banged and dragged around and then something metallic clanked to the ground. 

“Watch,” I said to myself, “next comes the sawing." And sure enough, the fucking thing started up not even one month since we had our little discussion about this. Pretty sure it was October 11th when he was last at it.

I figured the peace wouldn’t last long. Some people just don’t give a shit about others. I know most would say he has a right to do this and all that, but I still say it’s rude to be doing this shit with someone else’s wall just 15 feet away. I could still hear it loud and clear in the laundry room with the doors shut that’s how loud it is. Gotta have the fan and music on to drown it out completely. It didn’t last long, though. He did tell me he’d let me know when he’d be doing a lot of sawing. Well, I don’t know what his definition of “a lot of sawing” is, but I sure know mine and it isn’t much. 

Speaking of Bob, in one of last night’s dreams, Tom was doing some landscaping project that took several days and each day Bob would make a point of coming over to chat with him. Tom found it a bit annoying after a while because it was very distracting. In reality, Bob would never do that. He says hello when he passes by but that’s about it. He’s like us… friendly but not sociable. 

I also had a dream of swimming in an indoor pool somewhere that was chilly as hell. When I was at the deep end I looked down and saw tons of dirt on the bottom of it. 

Then I passed a tall younger woman somewhere who was wearing a top that was sexy as hell. I told her that if her hair wasn’t so damn short I may actually be turned on and she said, “You’ve known me 4 years and you’re just telling me that now?” 

Never cared for women with overly short hair. Some look good in it, but I think it detracts from a woman’s femininity in most cases. 

Later… 

Irene is so sweet and funny, LOL. We were chatting earlier and I filled her in on the basics of why Nane and I split up. There are some things, however, Nane told me that I promised to keep a secret and I will always do so even if I never hear from her again. 

She said she couldn’t believe our friendship was over forever. Yeah, sometimes it’s hard to believe that myself. We were quite close for 4 years, after all. But if it is, it is. 

What was funny is how she’s so sure we’ll get back together around January. Not because I don’t believe in psychics, as Irene’s said to be. Or maybe it’s not that she’s psychic, but I know she’s into the supernatural and all that. If it weren't for my own experiences with dream premonitions I'd probably call her verrükte and laugh my ass off at her, insisting that no one can know the unknown. Yet on and off in scattered patches, I seem to have an uncanny knack for doing just that... knowing the unknown. 

I don’t know what the future holds where Nane is concerned, but I’m ok with whatever’s meant to be. It will be interesting to see if she’s right, though! 

It was kind of ironic that Nane finally picked up my last message to her during my chat with Irene. Was Irene filling her in as we spoke? It’s ok if she was. Just noting the strange coincidence. 

Did a half-assed version of my usual bike route yesterday with Tom, making a point to walk uphill. My heart didn’t feel like it was going to jump out of my chest, but it was beating a bit hard. Tom assured me that was normal, it was beating the speed it needed to beat, he could tell by how I looked and sounded that I was ok, etc. 

And I was. I mean I didn’t feel bad or anything. I also realized, upon placing my hand on my chest, that my heart wasn’t beating much slower than the night I hit 161, so maybe Tom was right and I really did overdo my workout that night and was just extremely hyperaware. Going up these hills on a Cruiser is an incredibly fierce workout, in shape or not. It’s very, very hard to get a bike uphill with no gears. 

I was on levothyroxine the first time I had a “heart explosion,” so that could’ve raised my pulse a bit, plus I was having severe anxiety at the time as well. On or off medication, anxious or not, I don’t know that I’ll ever return to my old kick-ass, 2-mile route. I’m not a skinny kid anymore. I may just do the 1.5 miles and walk the bike up the steepest sections. It might be better that way anyway. We work different muscles when we ride vs. when we walk so this would give me some variety and work different muscle groups.

Beat the alarm by 15 minutes and even fell asleep earlier than I expected to last night. I awoke with a headache centered upon my right temple, though, and while my anxiety has been gone for two weeks now, the usual worries were present. I just fear that returning to medication is going to bring all that anxiety right back, but I also figure that if worse comes to absolute worse, I simply don’t take any medication. If the side effects and anxiety or both are still a problem, I just won’t take anything. It would be years and years before leaving my thyroid untreated became a serious problem. Meanwhile, the extra weight is mine for life whether I’m on meds or not, the dry skin and memory loss issues aren’t that bad, so it’s not like I can’t survive without medication. 

I don’t know how my cholesterol is doing, though I would assume the numbers aren’t too high since making a point of watching my cholesterol intake. Either way, I can’t live forever. Sooner or later something’s going to kill me. But I’d rather 15 more great years than 30 more shitty years. 

We’re hoping that now that I’ve been officially diagnosed, this doctor will opt to treat me herself and not send me to a specialist. The fewer doctors I have to deal with, the better. It’s less confusing that way. The only reason the last doc had to send me to a specialist was to find out exactly what type of hypothyroidism I had. Despite this disease being quite common, I have a feeling she’s going to send me to a specialist anyway. 

Tom and I were out walking yesterday and found exterminators working on the corner house opposite ours. The lady that lives there said they’re going to tent it due to beetles. Hope they don’t come running over here! 

Tammy asked to read some of my earlier journals and where she could find them. I told her I worried she might be offended by some of the less-than-kind things I’d say about her in the heat of the moment when I was younger, but she assured me she understood and is always there for me. I really appreciate it, too. :) 

Noticed lately that the outer edge of my lower lip has this bluish-purple tint to it. Wonder what that could be about? Probably just age. I have to use a magnifying mirror when applying mascara that’s how blind I am these days, and OMG, the wrinkles I’m starting to get! LOL, I am really starting to age and show it, too. Even my hands are starting to look old. 

Saw that Doc Hottie was on Facebook last night adding a new friend. Oh, so she does check in during the week, too? I figured she’d only be on over the weekend. Maybe doctors have more free time than I thought. 

I added a friend of the guy who added me from Thailand last night to see if they’d get and accept the request. They did. Then I realized that was stupid of me, whether Facebook has been glitchy or actively controlling who I can and cannot contact/friend. If I go to add a friend of a friend, why wouldn’t it go through? But since I already sent the doc two messages, which appear not to have been delivered and received, the odds of a friend request going through to her are slim. I’m sure God will also help see to it that it doesn’t since He really seems to have a problem with local hotties. But why, though? It’s not like she’d come over when Tom was at work and drag me into the bedroom, so what difference does it make? I never could’ve had anyone I met in jail in Arizona, and I never could’ve had anyone in Oregon either except for maybe Jane. But Liz, Jan and Randy were never a possibility. Even if she accepts it, I don’t expect to ever see her again much less get it on with her, so then why is it such a “sin” to be connected to the hotties? Nane was hot yet we were connected. Ah, but God knew we never met in the past and we would never meet in the future either, so I guess that’s what made it “ok.” I’ll never see the doc again, but I once did. I suppose that’s enough to make a world of difference, right God? 

But I won’t know for sure what happened when I see that the friend request hasn’t been accepted. Unless she tells me on MyHealth not to bother with her, she may very well get the request and choose to ignore it. What do I think will happen? I don’t think she’ll have anything to say about it either way and that she’ll either not get the request or will ignore it altogether. 

Then again, there is a way I could tell if it was denied or ignored/not received, actually. All I have to do is check her timeline. If I find it’s no longer pending at some point, then that means it was denied. If it’s always pending, then it’s either being ignored or it was never received. As for the last two, there’s no way I can ever know that for sure. I’m sure some people wouldn’t want to actually go and deny a request for fear of hurting anyone’s feelings, so they may choose to just let it sit there.

Judging by how much I’m hearing the wind chimes, I’d say it’s a bit windy out there today. 

Going out walking at least a mile later on since I’m still hesitant to take the bike and get my heart going more than I’d like. My weight’s climbing a bit due to not exercising as much, so I gotta get back into it. I’ll work my arms and abs, too. I’ll wait till Tom gets in before I go out walking in case he wants to join me. 

Gotta clean the master suite today and work on my story more now that NaNoWriMo got their shit together for what will hopefully be the last time. Major issues updating story word count. 

So much for thinking I didn’t sleep long anymore. I slept 9 hours, though I still woke up several times along the way. I woke up tired after 6 hours of sleep yesterday but perked up a few hours later. Last night I fell asleep an hour earlier than usual, since I’m usually up 16-18 hours, and slept from midnight to 9am. I’ll probably be up till 3 or 4 tonight, so only 6-7 hours of sleep for me next time around since I’d like to be up by 10am tomorrow, too. 

Had a dream that Alison and I went to the movies together. I don’t know why, but the place had a shower room, LOL. We were going to take showers and I realized how embarrassed I would feel to do such a thing in front of her. 

At least I won a gold medal in the next dream. I took skiing lessons of all things and ended up being such a great ski jumper that I won a gold medal my very first time in the Olympics!

Feeling pretty overwhelmed right now with this sleep disorder curse that seems to get worse and worse with age. I used to be able to flip it by 12 hours a week relatively easily enough with little to no effort. Now I’m lucky if it shifts more than 6 hours a week, but of course, trying to hold it in the exact same spot is out of the question, too. So it’s just incredibly frustrating to have to live with, and knowing there’s nothing they can do for it sucks even more. I wonder if I’d even want to go on living if the rest of my life weren’t going so well. 

Anyway, I’m getting up 4 hours behind my goal. I wanted to stay up closer to 5am and sleep till 1am, but instead I crashed between 2:00 - 2:30. After 6 hours of restless sleep, I got up at 9am. There’s no way I can flip it in 10 days, so my new goal for getting up over the next 10 days is 10am, 10am, 11am, 11am, noon, noon, 1pm, 1pm, 2pm & 2pm. Then, between the doc and Andy, I’ll push the hell out of it. Worst case scenario, I have to crash early when he arrives, but I figure he should be pretty jet-lagged by then anyway, plus 9pm will be like midnight to him. 

I’m going to have to let both Dana and the doc know that I can’t handle any more appointments this month. I am just way too damned overwhelmed. Every curse I’ve ever had was escapable at one point or another, but not this one. I know this is pure fantasy, but if it could keep slowing down… and slowing down… just a little more… and a little more… then I could actually hold the schedule and move on to wonder how the hell I’d get to work since the nearest bus stop is miles away. I wouldn’t have to work, of course (as long as he keeps making good money and I can at least work at home), but sometimes knowing we have options is more important to us than actually acting on them. Yes, it was my choice in the end not to have kids. But I didn’t appreciate the bastard above deciding for me before I settled in on what I wanted. 

Unless, of course, those who believe life is all about random chance are the correct ones, and nothing up there is making our decisions for us. Then I guess I’d have nothing and no one to blame but fate. We’ll just never know for sure why I only ended up with one miscarriage under my belt. Was it the DES exposure? The years of various medications? My thyroid? 

There’s been a change in Andy's plans just like there’s been a change in my schedule. He said he decided not to ask for Fleetwood Mac concert tickets in Sacramento. Therefore, his sisters Linda and Marla won’t be picking him up here on the 24th. Instead, he’ll Am-Track it to SF. Tom will look up and let him know the nearest train and bus station (in case he chooses the bus) when he gets home. 

Personally, I like this arrangement better. Nothing against his sisters, but I didn’t really want to entertain them as well. The idea is to see Andy and visit with him, not his sisters. 

Here we go again with the mystery plane orbiting round and round for God knows how many hours. Not nearly as annoying as Bob’s beloved power tools, but it does get old at times. The thing is that I found a video with a couple of other residents in the Sacramento area complaining about the same thing, and supposedly, no one knows who it is or why they keep flying round and round. This has been going on for weeks. The anchorwoman said the DEA denies it’s them and the plane’s call sign is blocked. I find it hard to believe that absolutely no one knows who it is or why it’s been flying around so many hours at a time in the same damn pattern. I hear it for hours in the daytime, and I hear it for hours at night. I used to think it was police helicopters, and yes, they’re out there at times, but I’ve come to realize that most of what I’ve been hearing these past weeks is that same small plane. 

Just realized that video goes back to last March. Still, why are there so many planes flying around here night and day? Phoenix wasn’t even like this. 

When we were at Target yesterday we grabbed a high-tech smoke detector that speaks and has this nice blue glow to it that might be a nice nightlight for the hallway. Right now I have a nightlight plugged into it. It’s like a long dark tunnel at night without something illuminating it. Anyway, for $100 this thing better not go off every time I cook or warm something up in the oven. That’s why we ditched the old one. 

We stopped at Dairy Queen on the way back for blizzards.

Yesterday was a peaceful day. In the morning some small plane was circling the area and that was a bit annoying. Then the sky pigs hit the scene for a little while in the evening, but that was pretty much it. 

Was kinda surprised to find that Mary peeked in on my blog last night. Pretty sure it was her anyway. 

Looking for yourself, girl? You won’t find anything current because you’re in my PAST. :) 

Got a quick view from Molly too, on LiveJournal. She must be bored. She once told Aly she only checks my blog out when she’s “bored.” 

Got some light bulbs for the dining area and they’re said to last at least 22 years. Wow! 

Still feeling good other than the occasional “lump” in my throat kinda feeling, and what at least seemed like a bit of a racy heart after 3 rounds on the bike yesterday. Tom insists the thyroid has little to do with it and that I’m just super hyperaware right now, but that my heart elevated in a normal way that it should for the amount of exertion we put out. IDK, it still seems a bit extreme to me, but maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just super aware and overly anxious after the levothyroxine made it race the way it did. I’ll have to ask the doctor about that. And why I get so many damn head rushes, too. 

Later… 

Gonna get working on my NaNoWriMo story soon. I’m trying to do as much as I can to make up for those days I may be too busy to write. I have one visit, two appointments, and God only knows how many more appointments before the month is out. I expect the next several months to be full of appointments, actually. Eventually, I’ll have to get blood drawn, get a thyroid ultrasound, and then deal with my teeth and eyes. This isn’t counting anything else that may arise along the way. So… I’m currently on chapter 3 and over 4k words in my story. 

Another thing that’s got me stressed out is my schedule. It just won’t roll as fast as it used to because I’m not sleeping as long these days. Trying to stay up to flip it is tough at times and having to set the clock back an hour didn’t help either. 

We went to Target earlier and I got another Whisper lipstick by Maybelline. It’s the only lipstick I’ll wear. I just don’t trust lipstick in general these days with all the lip-plumping shit they put in some of them that make my lips sting like hell. I now have Made it Mauve, Mad for Magenta, and One Size Fits Pearl. Wanna grab Orange Attitude next. 

I also got an adorable 1-piece PJ set with a leopard print and amazingly it’s a size small. It’s even got a hoodie with little cat ears and whiskers. I tried on another brand and the bottoms were loose in the waist and snug in the ass. Then I spotted these 1-piece sets that I’ve always loved but haven’t owned in years. They’re good for those nights it’s under 50°. I can then drop the heat from 72° to 68°, which Tom doesn’t mind. He says he’s fine anywhere between 60° and 80°, LOL. 

If this thing shrinks in the dryer I’m going to be pissed I didn’t get a medium. Maybe I’ll get another pair in medium either way since I wouldn’t exactly be swimming in a medium, and I didn’t like the other designs they had in size small. I don’t care to be bedecked in Christmas trees. So if I can’t get small zebras or penguins, I can probably get them in a medium. Still, I’m surprised I could get this big old body into a small. 

I was telling Andy how we’re the only ones that see my fat and he said no one tells a woman she’s fat. Well, I’d hate to think two health professionals would kid me, but I’m not only not as mistrusting as Andy tends to be, but I also realize that different people perceive things differently. People’s standards of what’s thin vs. fat vary, but fat or not, how I feel is most important to me. 

Anyway, other than the pressure of keeping schedules, changing schedules, juggling schedules, and hoping for no bad reactions the next time I’m back on medication, life is good. And even better with hot chocolate with rainbow marshmallows… yum!

Kinda sucks to start off NaNoWriMo with tech issues, but when I entered my current word count, some of the stats were blank. 

Not sure I should’ve accepted the friend invite from whoever the hell it is that friended me on Facebook from Bangkok because I really don’t want to serve as an English teacher for them. I guess they work at a hotel there and want to learn more English. Upon first glance at the writing on their wall, I thought it was Hindi till I found that it was actually Thai. Not one of my languages! I doubt I will ever learn any of the Asian or Arabic languages because I hate the way they sound. German’s bad enough. 

The new serving tray arrived yesterday. It’s the perfect size for drinks and has a lovely design of flamingos by the sea. 

It rained really hard yesterday and in the middle of the afternoon, it was so dark in here I had to turn the lights on. 

The upcoming appointments and visit from Andy may be well worth it, but it’s been hell on my schedule having to stay up so many hours each day to push it around to where it needs to be. I totally hate God above for cursing me with this, as it is my one and only inescapable curse. Even my mother was eventually escapable. Bad neighbors and pretty much everything bad that I’ve had to deal with, save for this, has been escapable at some point or another. But this is one I’ll never be able to run from. I will never forgive the bastard for this shit, as if I haven’t had enough other shit to deal with in life. If it weren’t for this sleep curse my life would be damn near perfect! *sighs* But no one’s life is ever perfect, is it? Still, this is the one thing that can never be fixed, cured or escaped, but only dealt with and worked around to the best of my ability. 

The only change I’ve noticed in my sleep habits is that I rarely sleep more than 8 hours these days. I think this is an age thing because even Tom’s noticed he’s sleeping less. He would often sleep 10-12 hours, like I would, after being really tired. Now we sleep 7-8 hours, tired or not.