Still no problems with the new medication dosage – yay! I’m not out of the woods yet, though. Far from it. It took 2.5 months to be a problem the first time I was on the 75s. I feel amazingly relaxed so far and if that’s the Prozac talking, fine. As long as I feel better! I am a bit nervous at the prospect of being alone tomorrow, though. 

I woke up warm a few times last night and for a minute there I was worried my heart was out of control again, but I was fine once I pushed the covers off of me and cooled off. Really wish memory foam hadn’t been invented, but I know that part of the waking up and being overheated was the menopause. 

Went for a short, slow bike ride and had no problems there either. 

Sometimes we ask ourselves why a certain thing is the way it is and we draw a complete blank. They don’t know for sure why some people get certain diseases any more than we know why most fears and phobias can eventually be overcome while most of us still have one or two that we just can’t seem to kick out of our lives. Why has driving always terrified me? I have never been in a car accident of any serious kind. Maybe in a past life? Not sure I believe in “past lives,” though. 

I once asked a therapist if I should keep trying to push myself to get past this particular fear. She said I did right by trying to overcome it the half a dozen or so times I tried to, but after so many tries it’s best to accept that it’s just part of who I am, we all have fears of some kind or another, and pushing myself too much on such a thing could only put my life as well as the lives of others in danger. I agree. The last thing I would want to do was panic on the road and kill myself and God knows who else. Besides, I’ve made it this far in life on foot, bikes, buses, and my husband’s car, so why change what works? 

I could probably overcome my fear of spiders by getting a pet tarantula and my fear of open heights by going bungee jumping or something like that, but the driving one is mine to keep, like it or not, and Tom and I are ok with that. Even if some others might not be despite the fact that it doesn’t affect or pertain to them. If I ever need a ride from anyone in the park here, I will make sure they are reimbursed by way of either cash or a favor. 

I couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope and even excitement over something he read that suggests they may soon have the answer to solving my type of sleep issues. They’re always doing experiments to find cures for things, as we know, and instead of the timing of when lights go on and off in order to help promote sleep at the proper times, they’re finding that color matters more than time. Switching the light to blue at night seems to help. Will have to look into it more as it is tested and hopefully developed enough so I can maybe get on schedule and get out there and work at least part-time even if it’s not financially necessary for me to do so with all he makes. That will be MY decision, though, when and if I am ever cured. Not society’s and not what’s “in” or “normal” or “acceptable” for a woman in the year 20-whatever. 

With my shit luck, though, I’ll be cured when I’m too old to work. The rolling of the schedule has at least slowed down a bit due to age. I used to sleep 10-12 hours fairly often, but now I rarely do. I’ve been sleeping the average 8 hours. If I could get it down to 6-7 that’d help a lot. 

I’ve lost thousands and thousands of dollars due to not being able to work cuz of this shit, and couldn’t qualify for disability cuz I am married, but mostly because I didn’t work enough when I was younger to qualify. It’s a totally twisted system. If one is disabled, they should get benefits whether they’ve worked a little, none at all, are married or single. But that’s one of the few things about modern-day marriages they still consider as “joint,” even though these days there is so, so much separatism within most marriages. But just like they wouldn’t give me food stamps if I had a shitty paying job thanks to Tom making good money, they wouldn’t give me disability with all he makes either. The biggest thing, though, is how little I worked in the past. It’s like that with unemployment too; the more you work, the more you qualify for. But disability should be different. At least I think they oughta change the laws on that. Especially when we have doctors that could vouch for us. 

Went to KFC yesterday and ended up walking out after no one would take our order. Part of that was because they were understaffed and the stupid kid that was dealing with orders had to correct some mistakes he made. 

So we walked around the corner to Little Caesars and ordered a small pizza, half mushroom for me, half pepperoni for him. He thought his was so good that he ate too much too fast and got an upset stomach. I had a dream he threw up, but he never did, so that’s good. I can’t usually eat more than two slices at once. 

I dreamed I was out walking someplace when I heard some other woman telling some people who had gathered about a crime she witnessed. I noticed that the criminal, another woman, was in the audience listening. “She’s so dead now for ratting her out,” I said to myself. 

I might’ve had another dream revolving around water. I don’t know if it was a lake or an ocean but I was in the water telling someone how much I’d love to live on a houseboat in Hawaii someday.

Someone was quick to remind me that whether or not there is a God up there, nothing is singling me out and picking on my health. After all, everybody gets something sooner or later. So if I were really being punished then nobody else would have any disease or health issues. Yeah, yeah I know, but it still sucks just the same until I get my body to tolerate the proper dose of thyroid meds. 

So far, so good. I took 5 mg of Prozac last night and it didn’t put me in a fog or anything like that. I might’ve had a slightly dry mouth and that was it. It’s just a temporary aid to take the edge off my anxiety while my thyroid meds are being worked out. Not something I’ll be on indefinitely. Unless I need anxiety meds for menopause or anything else, I hope to be taking just my thyroid meds by the fall and maybe – maybe – statins. We’re hoping that lowering my TSH will get me out of having to take statins. Doc O said the Prozac can take 2 weeks to really work at which time I shouldn’t, and therefore hopefully won’t, notice any changes for the worse. 

My first dose of 75 mcg of levothyroxine for this round began at 8am. If I can get past 4pm I’ll be a little more hopeful. Last time I made it to 8 hours and was just about to think I might be ok when a “heart attack” got me. The beta-blocker is on hand if my heart takes off on a run. As I told Tom, I’d prefer for that not to happen, but if it does, I hope he’s here so I can take the blocker with him around and not have to go it alone in case of adverse reactions. It’s a lot less scary to have any kind of a crisis with someone around versus when you’re all alone like when the first episode hit me last July. 

My only complaint so far today, which really isn’t a complaint, is that I’m a little tired. Probably cuz I had such a stressful week. I definitely do feel more relaxed than one would think I should feel considering what happened the last two times I was on the 75s. Tom thinks it’s going to work out this time, not just because of the tools I have on hand to help with “beat downs” this time around, but because they started me on 25s and then I was on the 50s longer, so my body had more time to get acclimated. The first time I was started on 50s and jumped to 75s in less than 3 months. 

For now… we’re going to KFC and hoping for the best!

Andy said his mother gets along very well with David’s wife and their daughter and she will basically ignore David while she’s there. She must still be really disappointed to have to return to that climate. She must also be grateful that she at least has several people with whom she can stay, even if she might not get along with all of them. Who could we ever stay with? 

Although Andy did wish me luck with the second appointment, I’m not surprised he told me he just skims the medical stuff in my journal because he doesn’t like to read medical stuff when he eats. But none of the medical stuff I’ve ever written is gory. I think it’s just because he’s not interested. He is as insensitive as he is compassionate. He has all the bleeding heart in the world for blacks when they were slaves, but no compassion whatsoever for people like Robin Williams. 

I am both fearful and hopeful for tomorrow. My fear is also turning to anger because I am sick to death of having to wake up and wonder if I will feel okay or if something scary will happen. I’m tired of fighting to get my body to tolerate the medication it needs. I’d still rather the symptoms of not enough thyroid hormone than any insane effects like I was having months ago, but it sure would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too, by treating this disease properly without feeling like shit along away. 

The key is to stop worrying and questioning every little thing I feel. It’s a lot easier said than done at times, but like the doctor herself agreed, ignorance is sometimes bliss. She wouldn’t even go over the possible side effects of the new meds with me other than the obvious… Sluggishness. Hopefully, I won’t have to live in a fog in order to tolerate the medicine that my body needs. That was my fear of seeing a shrink like my old doctor recommended. I didn’t want to become a zombie just to get healthier. I do want to treat the anxiety, however. 

So tonight I begin the new chill pill and then tomorrow it’s up to 75 mcgs. Fingers crossed! 

My dreams are turning negative again and I really hope that’s not a bad sign right there. It sure could be for Charlotte, though. I had two dreams in which I was told she was “missing.” Natalie was one of the informants. It was nighttime and I was running along a path that threaded its way between some buildings. There were lots of trees and shrubbery along the way and I’m guessing they may have been apartment buildings or condos or something like that. 

I spotted Natalie sitting just outside her door. The light beside her door illuminated her just enough for me to recognize her. I stopped, doubled back, jogged up to her, and said “Natalie? Is that you?” She looked up at me and I said, “It’s me, Jodi.” 

In another dream, I might have been telling somebody that I had no place to live and nothing to eat. Not a very happy dream at all.

The night before last I had rather unpleasant dreams. One dealt with us being tight financially, and the other dealt with being dragged back to court on account of the blacks. I was sitting in a room at a huge table with several others. I spotted a manila envelope on the table with several names on it, mine being included. It was the supposed evidence against me. I opened the envelope and poured out its contents onto the table. One of the things I remember being present was a Post-it pad. 

I assured the others that there was no way in hell I would be railroaded again. There would be no jail. There would be no probation. There would be no nothing. 

Andy told me his mother is moving back to Massachusetts because she’s not getting along with Linda here in California and there’s no room for her at Marla’s house. According to Andy, Linda, David and Gary are hard to live with. Yet she is going to live with David in Springfield. Why go from one person that’s hard to live with to another that’s hard to live with? And why not go to Andy? He’s always home. On the other hand, I’m sure most would agree that Andy is very hard to live with. He’s very hard to please, and given his selfish ways, he’s not usually willing to compromise. 

Kind of hurt that he never asked about my appointment, quite unlike Aly, but again, that’s just the way he is. For a guy who prefers to hear mostly happy things, he sure does read an awful lot of news. 

Later… 

Today’s appointment was quite simple compared to yesterday’s. My toe is healing nicely and “Amanda Knox” said that hopefully, I will be in the 90% as far as any unwanted regrowth goes, but to let her know if there are any future problems. I call her Amanda Knox because it hit me today that that’s exactly who she looks like. The only difference with this Amanda is that she is way too skinny and has a gap between her front teeth. 

I really thought once I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism that it would be a simple matter of taking a pill every day and forgetting about it. I had no idea it would be such a complex ordeal with such horrible and scary problems along the way. I just really hope to hell that the additional medication she gave me will help me tolerate the higher doses of levothyroxine. 

I think I might have gotten some names wrong in my last entry. The Fluoxetine is the chill pill I’ll be taking daily which is basically Prozac. The medication I will take as needed if the thyroid meds make my heart race is called Atenolol. 

I forget which one it is but one of these drugs makes teens and young adults kill themselves, so they don’t give it to young people. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, some medications really CAN make a person commit suicide. It’s not about them being spoiled and one day saying to themselves, “I’ve got it all, but eh, I think I’ll just throw it all away today for the hell of it.” No one in their right mind does that. 

I was also wrong in saying my endo has nearly 20 years of experience when it’s actually nearly 28 years of experience. I have already corrected that. 

Tammy confirmed that yes, she not only has to take statins but our parents and brother did, too. So it’s a family thing. My primary doctor wants me on low doses of statins every other day, but I want to wait until my next blood test, which will be before I see my endo again in June. 

Meanwhile, the fluoxetine starts tomorrow night and then the higher dose of thyroid meds starts on Saturday morning. Yes, I am still scared shitless. I really need to see that these new tools that the doc has given me help before I actually believe. Not saying she doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s just that for me, seeing is believing when it comes to such scary things. Had the problems I had been annoying, like the hair loss I’ve had, that would’ve been one thing. But feeling like you’re going to have a heart attack is a whole ‘nother story. 

That’s another thing I got wrong. Yes, the levothyroxine does cause hair loss, but only at first. She says I’m still losing hair because my TSH is too high, which she shocked the shit out of me by saying she’s seen as high as over 900 in some people. 

I’m just getting really tired of living in fear. Whether something up there is picking on me for reasons I’ll never know, or this is all just random chance, I am so, so sick of having to worry. I miss the days when I wasn’t so scared of what might happen. Oh, I’ve had stress in the past, but this is a whole new level of fear and anxiety that is really hard to live with, especially when I’m alone. Tom is going to make a point of leaving work earlier depending on my schedule, and hopefully, that will help until I get settled into whatever and also get my hormones checked to see how much of this anxiety may be caused by menopause setting in. Worst case scenario I have to remain on 50 mcg even if that’s not enough to get my thyroid up to optimal levels. 

Using part coding and park electronics, Tom made this really cool motion sensor that changes color given how close you are to it. What we want to do is make our color-changing tape light more flexible as far as what it can do, when and how. It’s in the hall to replace the nightlight we have plugged in there and I like how it lights the way for us when we walk by, but it doesn’t need to stay on a whole two minutes after we’ve passed through the hallway. That will be one of the things he’ll change. 

Got some nice little goodies along the way, which helps to balance out the worrisome parts of life. I really like my glow-in-the-dark yellow neon nail polish. I also like the latest erotic bronze statue I got, plus the things I got at Target today.

The idea was to look for new sleeveless dresses now that the weather is warming up, but I didn’t find anything I liked. Instead, I got a nice necklace with gold loops and a set of decorative lighters for the incense I shouldn’t be burning with the mess it can make. Love incense, though! 

I have a couple more silhouette wall stickers on the way of figure skaters. 

After Target we grabbed a couple of insanely greasy slices of pizza at Sam’s Club, and then we picked up our prescriptions.

My appointment with my endo was both enlightening and complex. I will try to remember all the details with as much accuracy as I can. She explained to me how my TSH and cholesterol levels could be up when nothing in my life has changed, but I’m not sure I get it. Tom understood because he is better at numbers. Basically, there isn’t much difference between a TSH of 13 versus 21 as far as doctors are concerned and the numbers aren’t as precise as I thought they were. Still, I need to be somewhere under 10. 

She said the problem is that I’ve been blaming all my symptoms on my thyroid and neither that nor the medication are the only factors in my case. She wants me to treat the anxiety as well as the thyroid. She believes my anxiety can also be due to the trauma of what happened last year as well as menopause setting in, which does make sense. I described my symptoms to her (the anxiety, going from hot to cold, waking up a lot during my sleep) and she wants me to schedule an appointment at the behavioral clinic so that they can test my hormones to see what else can be done to ease my anxiety. I swear these appointments are like cockroaches! One breeds another and another and another… Still, I should be appointment-free till June after tomorrow because that’s when my endo wants to see me again, and she said it usually takes months to get into the behavioral clinic. IDK, maybe my old doctor was right and I need a shrink or something, LOL. She did say that every one out of five people suffers from anxiety. I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person; it’s just never been this bad. I fear exercising will elevate my heart too much and I’m sometimes even afraid to be left alone. Not like I was a few months ago, but still, this is no way to live. I’m simply not ok with not feeling well. Some days are better than others, of course, when I feel like my old self. 

She had me swallow while she “strangled” me and my thyroid isn’t enlarged. I held out my hands as instructed as well. No jitters. So that much is good. 

She said anxiety can be caused by too little of the thyroid hormone as well as too much of it. Then she said what I both feared and knew she would say… I need to go up to 75mcgs, probably even 100. Only this time she has provided me with a heart medication of sorts (Fluoxetine) that is supposed to tame the body’s adrenaline and help keep my heart from racing. Gosh, I hope so! 

She also prescribed Prozac to take as needed. She said I could take that or the lorazepam I still have in order to take the edge off my anxiety if my anxiety levels go up. The adrenaline tamer is something I will have to take every day. 

I thought that the medication was what was causing my hair to fall out, but she says it’s actually because there is not enough thyroid hormone in my body. It is also why my skin is dry and I have water retention. My weight wasn’t up like I expected it to be, though. I was actually down a pound. 

I asked her if there were any particular foods or natural remedies I can take to help either my thyroid or my cholesterol and she said no, although she agrees that backing off of foods like eggs would help my cholesterol. My cholesterol mostly went up because of my thyroid crashing on me, and they also suspect I might have a defective gene running in my family so it’s a genetic thing as well. I asked Tammy if she or anyone else in our immediate family took medication for cholesterol that she knew of when they were alive. She hasn’t checked in on Facebook in a few days. Hopefully, she’s just busy and not sick. Doc A wants me back on statins every other day, but we’re going to wait till Doc O confers with her first to see if we should start that right away or hold off for now. I don’t want to take on too much too soon. I already feel greatly overwhelmed as it is. 

The doctor stressed my need to treat both the thyroid and anxiety, as I said, and asked if I had suicidal thoughts since some conditions can cause such thoughts along with certain life events and medications, but fortunately, I have not had that. I sure wonder what my purpose is in life at times, though. Despite that, my life is actually wonderful aside from this thyroid, menopause and anxiety shit. In fact, it would be damn near perfect if I just didn’t have these issues to deal with. She said that much was good because she would want to know about it right away so that they could deal with it properly and help me to feel better, but hopefully, I’ll never have suicidal thoughts. What would help me to feel better is being able to take the amount of thyroid medication that my individual body needs without severe anxiety. I really hope that the stuff she prescribed to help keep my heart from racing is going to help make the higher doses more tolerable, but I would be a total liar if I said I wasn’t scared shitless because I am. She tells me I worry too much and tend to overanalyze things and she is correct. But sometimes telling myself everything will be okay and I don’t have to worry isn’t always so easy, even though she assures me I’m not in danger and it can’t kill me. She said she has been treating people for nearly 28 years and has never killed anybody yet. That’s good, LOL. 

So I pretty much laid it all out on the table so she would have as much info as she could about me that may help her help me in a more efficient manner… my ear, my sleep disorder, the screwy periods, waking up a lot, anxiety, racing heart, going from warm to cold, etc. 

I’m sure there are more details that have slipped my mind, but the main thing is hoping that I can up my dose in a way that’s not going to make me feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Let’s hope to hell this adrenaline/heart stuff she gave me will help. The plan is to start it on Friday, then start the 75s on Saturday when Tom will be home. 

After the doctor, we grabbed lunch at Carl’s, then hit the nearby Goodwill in search of any goodies. He didn’t find anything, but I found a couple of cute figurines. One is a bright green porcelain ballerina fairy, and another is a tiny black doll that’s pretty realistic looking. She wears a molded magenta dress with a blue hem and a bright pink sweater. She also has a magenta hat. 

Tomorrow I will see the foot doctor to check my toe, which I think will be fine, and then Tom and I will both pick up our prescriptions. We are going to do a little shopping after that at Sam’s to get some things we need.

Survived yesterday’s 10-hour water outage, even though I didn’t feel so great for most of the morning. I am a little nervous about being left alone today, but I think I’ll feel more relaxed the later it gets. 

I’m not surprised that Jodi Arias got life, even though I think the death penalty would’ve been most appropriate. I don’t see why it had to take two hours to sentence the crazy bitch either. I thought victim impact statements had already been given. Besides, the judge knew what sentence she was going to impose long before the statements were even given, so nothing they could have said, as true and as heart-wrenching as it may have been, would have changed anything. I know how judges are… Once they make up their minds, that’s it. They’re very stubborn individuals who are very hard to persuade. 

The sheriff promised some kind of grand documentation of the seven years Jodi was in Estrella jail (after contradicting himself by saying that her so-called 15 minutes of fame was over), and while I’m sure it would make for an interesting read, I’m not sure how much of it will be authentic. People often lie and exaggerate when writing about those they dislike. It’s human nature. You know, sort of like the media? Yesterday was a good example of that when they said that Jodi stopped talking, turned, then supposedly glared at a baby who cried out in court. Well, I didn’t see any glare present on Jodi’s face. I think she was just distracted and turned to glance behind her out of curiosity. I would be kind of curious myself. After all, courtrooms aren’t exactly the place to bring a baby. 

They spoke of Perryville as being an awful place, and while it most certainly is no joyful place to be and I would rather be dead than spend the rest of my life there, I can personally say that it is going to be a lot better than Estrella. She is going to have a lot more freedom and options. Not at first, though. They usually start them in solitary for the first six months or so, and if you prefer to be alone as opposed to with a cellmate to keep you company, then that’s quite an ideal set-up right there. Many inmates will beg mercilessly and will not shut up. 

She’ll be bored, depressed and lonely, but the food and many other things are going to be better. If she is ever in general population we can hope somebody shanks her, but jails and prisons usually aren’t quite what they are on TV. 

Last night I had a dream that I was in a huge and crowded room where a dinner party was held in which the president was present. Only the president was a stout black woman in her 50s. I was talking to her with somebody else and they were talking about their weight. I said, ”Mine can’t be lost mostly due to a dead thyroid, but I don’t mind being a little voluptuous as long as it doesn’t get worse.” 

At one point the president gave me a hug for being there and then I asked her if I could get my camera and find somebody to take a picture of us. She said I could, so I went back to my table for two in search of my little pink camera. I started to worry it was stolen at first, but a few seconds later I noticed it wedged in between the condiments. I snatched it up and then went in search of somebody to take the picture for us but I couldn’t find anybody I knew. 

In another dream, I was talking with a really attractive redheaded woman who was speaking German, though I don’t remember what she said. As we spoke in German, another woman asked yet another woman how long it would take her to learn English. She told her it would take about 2 to 3 years. 

Later… 

Ever want to scream and shout and punch things? That’s how I felt for a while and now all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. 

My primary care doctor’s nurse called to tell me that not only are my cholesterol and thyroid numbers too high, but they’re even higher than the last time! Nothing has changed in my life, though. Nothing. I still try to limit treats to weekends, I have been watching my cholesterol, I have been exercising, and I take my medication daily. So what the fuck is going on? 

My TSH is up to 21 (no wonder I’ve been gaining weight even if it’s just a few pounds), my total cholesterol is 287, and my LDL (bad cholesterol) is 203. According to online charts, that is considered very high for my age group, and a risk to my heart, which is already at risk thanks to heart disease running rampant and my family. I wonder if some of the things I’ve felt lately are connected to that. I have a list of notes to ask the doctor tomorrow. 

The nurse said the doctor will decide what to do based on how tomorrow’s appointment with my endo doc goes. 

I am just so fucking pissed, scared and frustrated! I can’t take more than 50mcgs of levothyroxine without the killer anxiety and racy heart, so I feel like I am totally stuck either way. I know they can bring the numbers down to where they need to be, but how the hell can they do it without me feeling like I’m going to die while they’re at it??? 

A part of me is tempted to just say fuck it and give up on my health completely. But I feel like I would suffer either way. I will suffer if I try to treat this and I will suffer if I don’t. Tom said not to jump the gun and that maybe there are options we don’t know about, but I think that if they were out there we would know about them. Oh well, I’m going to die someday anyway no matter what happens in the end. Right now I am too distraught to do anything but cry and whine and worry my ass off.

Yesterday was a fun and annoying day. No, the annoyance didn’t have anything to do with landscaping or somebody running power tools. Instead, the park did something they never did before in the whole time we’ve lived here and I hope they never do again. They had a live band playing which could be heard in the house. I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t fucking believe it. This is a retirement community, not a vacation resort! 

I was lounging in bed reading when I first heard base thumping and thought somebody had driven into the park with loud music and parked behind the house. That’s when I remembered that it said in the newsletter that they were going to have a picnic and a live band today, but I assumed that the band would be indoors. They played behind the pool which is quite a ways away from our house, so that should tell you how loud it was. Even Tom, who’s a lot more tolerant to noise than I am, agreed that it was way too loud for the park. You couldn’t hear much of it in the living room, but you could hear it in the bedrooms. I felt like I was in Phoenix all over again next to the welfare bums who loved to sit outside blasting car stereos while they played basketball barely an arm’s length away from the wall of our house. Well, I didn’t come here for that shit. The daily landscaping is annoying enough, with traffic being runner-up. I hate it when people force their activities on me like that. I don’t make anybody listen to my shit, so it would be nice to have the same respect in return. On the other hand, if I ever did want to blast my music, nobody would mind as long as it was in the daytime. 

Another park pisser is that today is the day the water is going to be turned off from 9 AM to 7 PM. Really, REALLY hope this is it as far as these water games go. If they were smart they would have done it right the first time around even if that meant having to turn the water off all day so they could fix the whole park at once. Having to turn the water off for a few hours a dozen or so times a year could have been avoided. 

The garden tub is full for flushing toilets and we have plenty of bottled water. I wonder if they’re going to tear up any of the streets near our place? 

I slept a little better last night, though I’m surprised I didn’t sleep eight hours. Close enough, though. Today I have a bit of a sinus headache and allergies because I have been slacking off on my allergy spray. Gotta remember to take that at least every other day. 

I ordered some neon yellow glow-in-the-dark nail polish from Amazon with my survey savings. 

Damn heart of mine acted up again a little while ago. :( It started booming, I felt warm, had to do a #2, then I felt chilled, then had the partial runs, then still felt chilled and slightly short of breath. Could it be connected to menopause? Thyroid pocket flare? Upcoming doctor appointment jitters? 

Tom thinks I am just nervous about the water going off today and my two upcoming appointments this week. Well, the water going off can’t hurt me, but I am a little worried about the appointments, especially the blood work and the endo doc.

Andy and I were talking about what’s acceptable to us versus what’s not acceptable as far as friends and family go. I totally agree and understand how he says that he’s willing to put up with phony people in the workplace, but not in his personal life. As I told him, as soon as Person A decides to crack insults over my ear, and Person B thinks they have the right to insult and make fun of my fears or phobias, and Person C thinks it's their place to tell me that I'm wrong for liking wall stickers and rats, I’m gone. There’s nothing I can’t stand more than one who expects everybody else to tolerate and accept them as they are without judgment or criticism, then who turns around and hypocritically picks on and condemns others that are different than they are. Picking on people who rape, beat and murder is one thing, but picking on someone simply for their lifestyle, preferences, tastes, fears, appearance and beliefs is another. 

It isn’t that I would go running and bawl my eyes out over somebody who insulted my appearance and cry myself through a box of Kleenex or two; it’s the principle of the point. Any person who could or would do that to me or to anyone else, well, that pretty much tells me something about the person they are and I wouldn’t want people like that in my life. Without influencing him one way or the other, I reminded him that he has a right to pick and choose who remains in his life and who doesn’t. 

I didn’t know this but I guess Andy didn’t communicate with some of his family members for three years. This was during the time we weren’t connected. He feels they are not supportive of him, consider him a burden and an annoyance, and also consider his hobbies stupid and immature. Technically his imaginary band tour would be considered immature by most people, but it isn’t harming anybody. It’s not like he can’t distinguish reality from fantasy. 

Still, the guy is annoyingly immature at times so I can understand their reasoning as far as that goes. He’s a 53-year-old guy acting like a teenager. His immaturity comes out in much of what he says and does, and even in some of the pictures he posts. Personality-wise, he really is no different than he was 20 years ago. 

This sleeping shitty really does need to stop. Definitely going to mention that and this very heavy and crampy period to my doctor and see if there’s a connection to either menopause or my medication. Tom read that they can either get heavier or lighter as menopause sets in, and I did skip last month so it could be making up for lost time, so to speak. 

Last night really sucked because I not only kept waking up, but I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple of hours at one point. I took a Benadryl to help me get back to sleep. I don’t feel well-rested at all. If this becomes a regular thing it could really take my schedule issues to a whole new level that wouldn’t be any fun at all. I just can’t get my body to stay asleep and sleep straight through those eight hours I usually sleep. 

Tom and I went to Walmart earlier, and as always, before we got to the groceries I checked out both smelly stuff and nail stuff. Tried a couple of flowery testers and then I discovered Revlon’s transforming effects. I didn’t buy any of it because I wanted to research it first. Looks good. So does the scented nail polish they also now have. Will have to try some next time. Might get some neon-colored glow-in-the-dark nail polish on Amazon. 

I was looking at a picture of Marie’s latest girlfriend, Lori. What a butchie-looking lady. I’m kind of surprised, too. I’ve always known her to be with feminine women before.

The blood has been drawn and the numbers are in. Just gotta hope those numbers are good! They drew 3 vials for 3 tests… cholesterol, TSH and T3. They were much friendlier and did a much better job, too. Tina was able to draw blood on the first shot. 

The only sucky thing was that it was a longer drive and a longer wait. I had to wait over a half-hour; some of the time listening to this brat scream out at random, startling me and making me wonder why its mother allowed for it. Does anyone teach their kids manners and respect these days? Anyone at all? 

They also had it utterly freezing in there. It was still in the 50s outside yet they had their AC blasting. Their thermostat said it was 66° in the place. Brrr! 

So after the vamp, we grabbed breakfast at McDonald’s, which was just so-so. I got one of those breakfast platters. I was absolutely famished because I had been fasting since getting up 10 hours earlier. 

Then we got home, Tom returned to work, and I touched base with my sister on Facebook. 

They were paving some of the roads by the office, so we noticed, and I really hope they don’t do the roads around here anytime soon. They don’t seem like they need it, and that would be a very long and loud project to have to deal with. That’s not something they can do in just a few hours. 

With my period in full swing and not eating much all day, I fell asleep a little early. Sure enough, I slept shitty. I kept waking up every hour or two either because I was too warm, too crampy, or just because. I don’t know if this has to do with menopause or my medication, but I will mention it to the doctor when I see her on Wednesday. The good thing is that I usually feel rested enough when I finally do get up. 

Thanks to all the overtime Tom’s been working, we treated ourselves to a little bonus on Amazon, at his insistence. He got some electronics-related things and I got six decorative light plates to put throughout the house, plus another bronze erotic mini statute to add to my collection.

Tom’s going to work this Saturday, so I am fasting now and going to a different lab this morning instead of tomorrow. He’s going to leave work for a few hours today in order to take me to the lab and then take us both out for lunch. Luckily his being the boss allows him less flexibility. 

Whether or not this new lab we’re going to try has any rude vamps like that Asian bitch, I don’t know that they’ll have an easier time drawing blood for me since my veins are still tiny. You would think that they would have some way to deal with people like me. I mean they draw blood from kids, don’t they? Either way, I just hope the cholesterol and TSH numbers are down! 

Tom and I were laughing about the entry I did about how embarrassed I was to start my period when I was just 9 years old and how things that are such a big deal to us when we’re kids are shit we laugh at when we get older. Those few extra pounds I’m okay with keeping these days… I would never in a million years be okay with when I was 20 years old. These days I prefer food to hunger, although I was a lot less hungry when I was younger. Sure seemed that way anyway. If they come up with a magic pill without side effects in my lifetime, maybe I’ll go for it but until then… I eat when I’m hungry and work out 4 to 5 days a week. 

Still sleeping kind of shitty but I feel rested enough. Just one hour into my sleep I awoke with a nightmare. Our house looked totally different. I was in the bedroom making the bed when I heard an old-fashioned phone ring in the kitchen. I looked at the clock and found that it was evening, and figured that it was unlikely to be a sales call since it was getting kind of late. So I answered and it was Tom. He was working late and sounded a little funny, almost like there were two Toms saying different things at once. ”Who are you talking to?” I asked. 

”You,” He said. 

Then it was light outside and I stepped out of the kitchen and into the living room, which didn’t seem to have any walls. Also, next door’s driveway was literally right outside the place and I saw two young guys in their 20s or 30s that I knew to be visiting them. I caught a glimpse of one walking down their driveway for a split second before he went out of view. Then I turned to walk back into the kitchen when I saw the other guy standing in the middle of it. “WTF?” I shouted, then I woke up telling Tom to call the police. The idea was to have him call for help while I went after the guy, but unfortunately, I woke up before I got to kick his ass.

Norma once again shared an article about black people who were wrongly convicted of a crime. It’s sad that she, along with so many others, seems to only care when they’re black. 

I shared a story of a white woman who was also wrongly convicted, in hopes of reminding people that police corruption and legal injustice happen to ALL races and not to be fooled just because the media chooses to focus on one group nowadays. 

Another unarmed black guy was shot dead by a cop, which someone filmed and gave to the media. Naturally, the media is painting a rosy picture of the black guy. If he was so innocent, then why was he running instead of complying with orders to stop? Not that I’m a fan of cops with the way so many of them are violent towards ALL races, but if you run when they tell you to stop of course you’re going to get shot. 

As usual, though, race has nothing to do with it even though that's the first thing that comes to people's minds. I truly believe the same exact shit happens to ALL races who run when the police shout, “Freeze!” Only you don’t hear about those cases because, well, only black lives matter, right? 

Really, I am so, so fucking sick of hearing about this shit, but sadly I see no end in sight. First they want what we have. We give that to them plus more, and they're STILL not happy. Now they want to be able to be thugs without being shot. WTF? 

Damn! My period started. I was really hoping this was it, but on the bright side, it will relieve my PMS symptoms. These days that is worse than the actual period. An ibuprofen kills cramps but there is nothing that kills PMS. I've tried everything on the market and nothing works. 

The fucking park is going to have our water turned off for 10 hours on Monday. I am SO SO tempted to deduct from the space rent! Why pay 100% for 90% service? Thank goodness for the garden tub which will be filled, and we always drink bottled water and soda anyway. Pouring a bucket of water down a toilet flushes it so that’s why I’ll fill the tub. It sucks that I’ll be up during those hours, too. I hear insanely loud landscaping nearly every single fucking day and now this? Well, the office can go fuck themselves! 

In other news, I had loads of fun setting up the new blogs yesterday, but it sure is a lot of work and will take several months to complete. 

I have definitely made a full recovery and it feels great to be able to be left alone without the fear of something going wrong with my heart or whatever. I just hope the cholesterol numbers are down and that my endo continues to care more about how I feel than what the numbers say on my TSH results! I think she will. She seems like a really good doctor. There’s no comparison between her and my old endo. 

In last night's dream, I seemed to be awakening from minor surgery. I was startled at first by this hissing sound that greeted me as I opened my eyes. A feminine voice reassured me, which might have been my dentist's.

Jenny Seagrove, the English actress I’m connected to on Twitter, replied to my tweet about her dog. It sort of looked like a Border Collie, but she said it was an English Springer. It’s cute even though I’ll never be a dog person. 

Five ballerinas now dance upon the laundry room walls. I still have to take pictures sometime since we painted. 

We got a surprising amount of rain on Sunday as well as yesterday. What pissed me off was when a loud peal of thunder woke me up. I slept shittier than shitty, waking up constantly. That is one of the symptoms listed on the perimenopause list so maybe that’s part of why I’ve been doing that because I have actually woken up during my sleep before I was on levothyroxine. I thought I would need two cups of coffee to jolt me awake but one was enough. 

Tom read a language blurb that said that it isn’t that most people can’t learn languages so much as that they’re not willing to invest the time that it takes. It definitely does take a long time to get to the point where you know enough to get by. I’m only learning Dutch this fast because I have already studied German and my brain is used to learning foreign languages. 

Another thing I’m lucky to have that a lot of people don’t have is the ability to hear the language in the first place. It’s the audio equivalent of being visibly observant. Many people aren’t able to hear the subtle sound differences that aren’t present in their native languages, but for some reason, I can. Tom thinks it’s because I can sing. Even if you’re not the greatest singer but still have relatively good pitch to hear the notes, it would make sense that you would be able to hear both the major and subtle sound differences within the languages. 

Got a view on Blogger from somebody in Tom’s River, New Jersey who did a few variations on searches for God that I was so sure for some reason was from Polly. But when I double-checked, Polly’s listed as living in Orange, Connecticut. I swear the person has been in before and I thought they were the ones who searched for “abortion” and Polly’s name. 

Last night I had a dream that Paula was showing me her nails that she had just done, and then there was this strange repetitious sound that I’m not sure was part of the dream or if it was real. It was 6:30 at the time. Tom would have been home so I will have to ask him. 

In another dream, I was talking to an Indian couple (some of their friends and family were present as well) but they seemed to have a hard time understanding me. I said in a frustrated tone, “I’ve got to learn Hindi.” Then I remembered that Raj had said it wasn’t an easy language. 

In another dream scene was another Indian couple in which Tom and I saw the man propose to the woman. The woman accepted and we were very happy for them. 

Then Tom and I were lying in a back bedroom somewhere chatting. Dreamy music was playing from somewhere in front of the house and I commented to Tom about the music being very soothing. He agreed with a relaxed smile. 

Then Andy and a friend stepped into the room asking where something they wanted to use was, though I don’t know what. I told him he could use it but to look for it himself because I hated to look for things.

I began my period when I was only nine years old. Back in those days, one tended to be embarrassed by it and not so open about it as we tend to be these days. 

For both the third and fourth grades I was in what was cruelly known as the Retard Room. The “RR” wasn’t only for those who were slow, but for those like me who didn’t get that no matter how many times her mother may club her over the head with whatever object was handy and convenient at the moment, grinning through the classroom window while the teacher and students tore up the room in search of the little girl’s glasses that she hid, was simply unacceptable behavior. 

So I was basically a two-in-one… slow plus a troublemaker = doubly fucked up. 

During the fourth grade when my period started, I would take my “supplies” to the ladies’ room. 

“Jodi’s taking a brown paper bag into the bathroom,” one boy whined in a tattletale tone to Mr. Kelly, the school’s only male teacher back in the mid-70s. 

“It’s okay,“ Mr. Kelly said. 

Ok or not, my cheeks flushed with heat as I made my way out of the classroom, into the hallway, and down to the bathroom, horribly embarrassed that the teacher knew just what was in that little brown bag of mine.

Bye-bye periods! It was a not-so-fun 40 years, but I’m glad to be done with you… Woohoo! Unless another one sneaks up on me, it looks like this could very well be it. I sure hope so, but it’s only been two months. 

Your average American is overweight, yet so many people still pick on those who are heavy. You hear about gays all the time these days, yet there is still so much hatred for them. I don't get this world at times. I really don't. 

Desktop Nexus Wallpaper is down. They’ve been having problems for a few days now. I still can’t decide whether or not to have old journals visible on Blogger, and whether or not they should be in monthly formats or daily formats if I do. It would be kind of fun having a different theme each month… beaches, dogs, mountains, cats, waterfalls, horses… but I haven’t made up my mind yet. 

Anyway, I did 10 minutes of cardio by walking and running outdoors and then I did 10 more minutes of strength training indoors. 20 minutes is enough for somebody who’s not going to lose weight. 

I had a dream that I awoke one night and headed to Tom’s bedroom. Only his bedroom was at the other end of the house and not right next to mine. I stepped through the open door where he was lying awake in bed. He spread his arms invitingly and said, “Come on.” I went to lie down next to him even though I was suddenly aware of the fact that I had a ski vest on. 

In another dream, I went crying to Tom about how I reached for the phone to call my parents and then I remembered that they were dead.

Got the silhouette sticker of the gymnast I plan to put in the bathroom after it’s painted (she’s huge) and did 98% of the laundry room paint touch-ups. Had I been just a few inches taller I wouldn’t have needed Tom to hit the areas close to the ceiling. 

Some other day we’ll touch up the yellow in the kitchen, and whiteout the trim in the hallway and second bedroom where there are dabs of both pink and lavender. 

*giggles* Nobody would guess this house was in a retirement community. 

I’m a little pissed that the blue stopped working on the tape light. Well, we still have white, yellow, orange, red and pink. No green or purple either. 

Kind of surprised I haven’t heard from Andy since I’ve been up. I saw he was on Facebook for quite a while, then nothing. I assume he fell asleep around his usual time, but am a bit surprised he didn’t check in first. That’s ok, though. Things come up. People get tired. I’ll hear from him tomorrow. 

Had a fleeting thought that he might’ve found something offensive in January’s journal entries in which he asked me to email him, but if that’s the case, that’s his problem. Can’t deny that a part of me wishes he would start some drama with me I certainly don’t need, thus giving me a reason to drop him since he can be more of a pain in the ass at times than fun with his stupidity, immaturity and memory issues. I mean, I don’t deny he’s got memory problems. Three decades of weed will do that to you. 

I also wonder if his Facebook obsession is preventing him from canning. It’s like all he wants to do all day is post pics in his groups for gay guys to ooh, ah and “like.” 

Obviously, he shouldn’t be out there canning when it’s below freezing, but he was going out there last year in temps down in the teens. He says he only makes 10k a year cleaning, yet he can more than double his income by canning. So then how can he afford to take so many months off? I know he’s got a savings built up, but that much? 

Later… 

Well, Andy wasn’t offended but he sure is starting to offend me with his selfishness, complaints and lack of appreciation after all the hard work I put into his emails. 

Andy really makes it very hard to be friends with him at times. It is just so frustrating having half the things I say go down a fucking garbage disposal because of his memory issues. And I’m still not 100% convinced it is all memory issues because he has been known to actually get off on annoying and frustrating people in the past. 

We just recently agreed that I’d send him an entire month of journal entries in a single email in which I would divide dates with pictures for him. I specifically asked him how many entries he wanted per email and he said a month. I asked him if he was SURE he meant a whole month and he said yes. 

So he finally finishes up last year's entries and I send him January. Sure enough, and just as I feared he would, he tells me he's not thrilled to get a whole month in one email. I really wish some people would be more appreciative of all I do for them and that they would thank me instead of complaining! Now I do aim to please - don’t get me wrong - but when people go back and forth on shit we recently agreed on; that’s where it gets frustrating. Being friends with him just isn’t easy at times… his selfishness, his lack of compassion in some cases, his immaturity, memory and stupidity issues that damn near borders on senility. 

At the same time, I don't want to dump the guy. I just wish I were psychic enough to know if this truly is all due to something being wrong with his brain and not him deliberately trying to piss me off. It would still be frustrating even if none of it was his fault, but if I knew he was playing with me, then yeah, I’d probably walk because who wants friends like that? 

He told me he was out all night with his family yet clearly I could see him on Facebook all night. When you look in the chat bar it will tell you whether or not the person is on a mobile device. Well, it said “web" which I would think means he was on his desktop at home. It could’ve come up with that if he had taken his Kindle to David’s and accessed Facebook from there, but I don’t know for sure. It definitely makes me wonder. He was on Facebook all night long is all I am sure of. I just hope he hasn’t been lying to me and deliberately mindfucking me. 

I sent him February and March with one entry per email as his latest request goes, but that’s it, I told him. Once he gets to April he has to go to the blog itself. I just don’t understand why he’s been so afraid to do that. I think part of it is just his laziness and selfishness, but I also think he’s afraid of being tracked. No matter how many times I try to tell him that my-diary is tracker-free and devoid of “blinding” colors, it’s like he doesn’t get it. It’s like I’m explaining some big complicated math formula to him instead of something so simple. 

Later… 

As I just got done telling Tammy in a message, my toe is still healing and now I have a pulled hamstring muscle after touching up the painting in the laundry room. Climbing up and down the stepstool, reaching behind the washer and dryer in a funny position, and sitting Indian style for a long time painting under the built-in desk uses muscles I don't usually use. This will make four days of not working out which I'm not too happy about. I will have to get back to it tomorrow. 

Pretty sure I am having perimenopause. No hot flashes yet sometimes I do feel warm and I constantly feel like I have PMS and like I'm about to get my period any second. I just looked up the symptoms and this is normal and can last for four years. I could scream at the thought of PMSing for four years straight but I am excited about the periods stopping. I still think I will have more periods before they stop for good. Damn, though. God really does favor man. 

I am trying to decide what I want to do with Blogger. Some idiots think old stuff is present even though it is backdated, and there doesn't seem to be much interest in old stuff anyway like there probably will be 100 years or so from now. I have three choices. I can just stick to the current year, I can post a whole month in one entry, or I can break it up so that each day is in a single entry as it is on LiveJournal. Not sure what I want to do yet. 

Later… 

I finished watching all 15 seasons of The Forensic Files on Amazon Prime, so now I am watching The New Detectives. 

The first episode deals with finding the remains of casualties of war soldiers. I think it’s rather sad that so many young women and men chose this life of violence and senseless fighting, many of whom were fresh out of high school. It just seems utterly ridiculous and totally pointless the way they were going to combat to do nothing but kill and kill some more. I can see if somebody goes to attack your country or your territory and you are simply fighting back, just as you would if somebody were to try to invade your home. 

But many of these so-called wars seemed to be just for the thrill of fighting. Fighting over land that no one had yet to inhabit seems totally asinine when anyone could have lived there. I mean I’m sure there was plenty of room for both sides to occupy most areas. The world is a pretty big place and there were a lot fewer people taking up space a hundred years ago. 

It’s sad that these “war heroes” felt they had to kill, thus killing themselves as well. They could have been anything. Anything. They had their whole lives ahead of them and they could have done so many things in life other than being trigger-happy savage beasts. 

On a less gruesome and destructive note, I had a dream that I was lying on my stomach on a lounge chair by a pool. I looked up and saw my old (sexy) doctor sitting nearby. I wondered if she would recognize me and say anything, and what I would say to her in return if she did. 

Then I felt myself burning and got up to take a dip in the pool. On the way to it, two double beds suddenly appeared before me. I hopped up on one bed, jumped across to the other, and plopped down on my ass before springing off the bed and stepping into the pool. I then turned to face the doctor. She smiled at me seductively. 

Andy said he was at David’s last night and he did go on Facebook from his Kindle. Good, because if he had denied being on Facebook while he was supposedly not home I would have happily called him out as a liar. 

What’s not good is that he says he is so tired of David’s warped personality that he wonders if he needs some time off from him. He said he is not in a good way emotionally right now and that he can relate to how I once questioned whether or not I should cut ties with family as I have in the past. Well, if you feel the need to spend your time on Facebook while you’re visiting friends or family, then you’re obviously not having a good time.

If I don't get a period by the 6th, this will be the longest I have gone (two months) without one since they guinea-pigged me with various psych meds in my late teens causing my period to stop for three years. 

I started treating the superficial nail fungus I have in a few of my toenails, except for the toe they just removed the ingrown nail from. It just looks like clear nail polish that you brush on. Got to do it twice a day and hope for an improvement in four weeks. 

Getting a little nervous as my blood work approaches. I have made sure to get foods low in cholesterol this week leading up to it. Hopefully, the thyroid medication has brought my cholesterol numbers down so they will not want me back on statins. 

Got a quick message from my sister. She’s not liking the allergy shots and the effect they have on her, but she sounds a lot better. 

Got my third figurine from the Forever in Blue Jeans collection. They are cheap but very cute and durable. Right now I’m “turking” some decorative face plates for plugs and light switches. That means I use my survey money on MT to pay for them. 

So far for my FBJ collection, I have a father swinging his son, a daughter hugging her mother, and an expectant mother with a toddler. 

I also got a small black silhouette sticker of a gymnast on a balance beam and stuck it on the cabinet door of my desk. It looks nice there. 

The last thing we got was a motion sensor plug so that the rainbow tape lights light up whenever we walked down our long hallway. It’s almost hypnotizing sitting there watching the colors slowly cycle through, one morphing into another. 

In last night’s dreams, I was looking for a new therapist, though I don’t know why I wouldn’t just go to my old one if I ever felt I needed therapy again. 

I watched these strange machines wrap fabric containing prints of the American flag around these large baskets. I thought they were incredibly dull-looking. 

Then I was visiting some woman in her apartment who had another female friend visiting as well. The woman had 4 young children but none of them were home at the time. One of them, her son Cody, she said she had with a guy she was fearful of. She was afraid that he was going to come to the apartment. 

“But what’s there to be afraid of?” I asked, not about to be afraid of some guy I never even met. ”There’s one of him and three of us.” 

I saw what was the scariest Forensic Files episode last night, and this one had nothing to do with murder like their other episodes. Some people started off by saying that they suddenly experienced irregular heart rhythms, racing hearts, booming hearts and diarrhea. I thought to myself, boy that sounds familiar. Then they went on to describe other symptoms… jittery, anxiety, weight loss, loss of appetite, and I thought, wow, that really sounds familiar. 

To back up a bit… there was a section of the Midwest that was once known as the Goiter Belt. There was little iodine in the soil and because of that and other things people often developed enlarged thyroids. That was when the Mayo brothers opened a clinic to remove people’s enlarged thyroids. Eventually, diets improved and the thyroid problems went away. 

I’m not sure when it was, but not too long ago a bunch of people in the Midwest came down with these horrifying symptoms. Nobody could figure it out. One guy was told he might have cancer, and another woman was told she was having a nervous breakdown. Some doctor gave her a mood elevator and the next thing she knows her heartbeat is doing 160. 

Blood tests showed that these people’s thyroid hormone levels were 8 to 10 times higher than normal. None of these people had enlarged thyroids, though, and everybody was stumped as to why these people would suddenly have all these symptoms. Then one day a huge family got together for a meal and every single one of them but a little boy got sick with the same symptoms. The little boy was the only one in the family that didn’t eat meat. Realizing that the whole family couldn’t possibly be having a nervous breakdown all at once, they began to suspect the meat and inspected it to find bits and pieces of the cow’s thyroid mixed into it. They gave some of the meat to some rats, then they gave other rats different meat from a different area. Sure enough, the rats given the meat the family and others consumed came down with the same symptoms. But the meat that the rats ate was raw, and the people had eaten cooked meat, of course. So they cooked the meat and served 4 young and possibly crazy doctors a burger. They too, experienced the same thing. 

It turns out that when Synthroid hit the scene they stopped removing the cows’ thyroids and simply left them in the gutted meat. The FDA then made it mandatory that the thyroids be removed. Over 100 people were affected but everybody recovered and there were no fatalities. 

My heart truly went out to these people, knowing that I was probably one of the very few people watching this particular episode who knew firsthand what it was like and what they were feeling. The shitty coincidence of the timing is what made me think I accidentally overdosed (as opposed to being prescribed a dose that was too high for me). The very same day I wondered if I accidentally took an extra pill was when my problems started. Although I suspected the medication from the start, even I was a bit confused at first because of the way one tends to think that as soon as they stop a medication that’s causing a problem, the problems will stop too, when it actually can take months to recover. I suffered both physically and emotionally for four months. It was the most terrifying experience; even the weight loss part because nobody should lose weight that fast. Having the runs sucked, but the worst part was definitely the booming heart and the anxiety. 

Although I have worked through the trauma of those days, the memories are stuck with me forever. Those scary moments actually made the prospect of facing homelessness not as scary. I guess it’s different when the trauma is internal versus external, not that I would ever again want to be raked over the financial coals like we were a few years ago. 

As well as things are going now, I miss the days twenty-five years or so ago when death and dying weren’t a concern for me as it is now that I’m older. Oh, I had my share of problems back then, mind you, but I didn’t worry about dying so much. Perhaps that’s because I had yet to actually live. 

Memories flash through my mind in a blur… me suddenly running to the phone as my heart starts booming… my fingers shakily trying to dial the paramedics… me scrambling on shaky legs to at least get the door open, not knowing what was going on or if I would live or die. 

Relief flooding through me as the paramedics show up… confusion also rushing through me as I am hooked to a cardiogram… questions being fired at me, an otherwise healthy runner who does dozens of push-ups, ab crunches, doesn’t smoke or have a serious weight problem. 

So now I not only know what happened to me last year, but what happened to me has a name… thyrotoxicosis. 

Going to grab something to eat now, but I don’t know what. I only know I’ve had enough potatoes. You never know if there’s such a thing as potatotoxicosis!

Why would any gay person want to turn to religion? Not trying to pass judgment or anything like that, but actually trying to understand. I honestly don’t get why they would want to turn to something that condemns and bashes the hell out of them. I can sort of see maybe turning to God Himself if you believe in that, but turning to religion? Religion is the reason there are so many gay haters out there in the first place (along with tons of other problems in the world). So why I would want to turn to something that promotes hate and discrimination against my kind would be beyond me. 

Even turning to a God that could allow for such abuse for so long is kind of over my head, but the religious thing is WAY over my head with the way it’s so structured and hateful. You’re going to tell me in one breath that this invisible God loves everybody, and then tell me in the next that He considers my kind evil, unnatural, and worthy of hate and discrimination? No thanks! But that isn’t the only reason I’m not into religion. Yes, I’m basically unsure of or against most of what it teaches, but for the most part, I’m just plain uninterested. It’s kind of like with dancing… I don’t mind watching other people do it, but that doesn’t mean I feel the need to go out and join a dance club. I can observe, form opinions and harbor beliefs independently without actually embracing something as a whole. 

I personally feel that God is probably just a fantasy as is the tooth fairy to a child, and that the Bible is merely the opinion of those who wrote it, and that religion is little more than an organized hate group. I also understand that different people have different reasons for their individual beliefs, and that’s okay, too. I’m not for changing people’s belief system so much as I am for changing the way people can use their beliefs against others as they can in Indiana as well as many other places. 

Tom wants to get me a gift for putting up with all the overtime he’s worked. LOL, that man loves to spoil me. I’ve already got enough goodies on the way. Another figurine from the FBJ collection, and a couple of decorative wall stickers. We also grabbed the rats some bedding and a motion sensor plug for the rainbow tape light strip. The idea is to put that in the hallway and have that be our nightlight, instead of a traditional night light you plug in that’s always on. 

The overtime has helped pay for the home improvements and some of our debt, but he has decided that he’s going to cut back on the OT in a couple of months or so because while the money is great, it’s not really necessary to be working this much OT. We’re more than comfortable without it, and one has to have a life every now and then. I think that’s why neither of us would ever want to be doctors. Sure, they make a ton of money, but what kind of a life do they have to go with it since they work such strict and long hours? Even my dentist works 10 to 12 hours, 5 days a week. Money is great, but it certainly isn’t everything. 

I had a dream that Goldie and Al were alive and I was staying with them. I woke up one morning to find Goldie eating breakfast and Al sitting in another room. Rubbing my lower back I said, “Amazingly, I slept well.”

The Jes pest is going to get a little April Fools in the mail tomorrow (today). I wanted to give it time before I sent the peace of mind I have wanted to share with him for over half a decade in regards to the way his lazy ass refused to take responsibility for his own mutts. This way he is less likely to still have either of our numbers. 

I didn’t bother to keep physical evidence off the letter, but I wrote it in a very non-threatening and type of way that not even the most corrupt and eager-to-violate speech rights pigs would even stand a chance of getting me arrested, let alone convicted. Furthermore, I highly doubt Jesse would contact the police in the first place. I figured the Phoenix freeloaders might, but they’re not Jesse. Jesse may be selfish, but he never struck me as the vindictive type. Lastly, he’s as white as I am so he can’t play the race card. 

My only concern was him calling Tom’s cell. I kept the joke from Tom because I didn’t want him to get carried away on the paranoia train. My cell number is the one on the rental application, but Tom’s is the last one Jesse called. Hopefully, he’s not the type to save things like that. Even if he was, my guess is that if he even has the patience to read the letter, he wouldn’t bother to make a fuss over it, let alone call anyone. He would tell Maryann about it, but I think and hope that’s as far as it will go. 

Later… 

I wish I had something exciting to say, but I don’t. Life is running smoothly with a few minor annoyances along the way. My toe still hurts at times and I’m back to sleeping shitty where I wake up a lot. Sometimes it takes me several minutes to fall back asleep. 

I’m not liking this cool spell we’re having because while it may be easier for sleeping, working out, and saving money on our electric bill, I hate how chilly it is really late at night. 

Tom doesn’t know yet what’s going on at work, but hopefully, he will find out soon and hopefully, the dream I had is a good sign, too.