I have been through sheer hell. My hormones are going crazy. My body is trying to kick off another period, but can’t quite pull it off. From what I’ve read and been told I should be pretty much done with the period part of things by age 52 or sooner in my case. It’s the anxiety that’s killing me. The hot flashes suck too, but those are more annoying and uncomfortable. The anxiety can get to be both scary and depressing. Even when my heart isn’t racing I can still feel anxious. It’s horrible. I don’t understand why I did so well for so long and now it’s returned, but I am told that’s normal. I wonder if the dizziness and fatigue are going to return as well. Anything’s better than anxiety, but if I’m tired again lately it’s because I have been sleeping poorly or I sometimes have to take lorazepam.

The night before last I slept okay, but last night was horrible. I woke up on fire, heart-pounding fiercely. With the covers, I was too warm and without them, I was too cold, and back and forth and back and forth. It’s a never-ending cycle of hell all over again with no possible end in sight.

My first guess is the perimenopause, my second guess is my medication, and my last guess would be something wrong with my heart. Assuming isn’t the same as knowing, and it gets so fucking frustrating because I don’t understand why they don’t have tests that can identify this for sure is being perimenopause, as obvious as my symptoms are. I will know all I need to know about my heart on the 22nd, so that leaves the medication. The numbers say no way, but some of the symptoms are the same as when I went thyrotoxic. That’s what sucks about some things when the timing is shitty and things are occurring at the same time that can mimic similar symptoms. HR isn’t elevated enough and consistently enough for the meds to be at play, so Tom and I both suspect the peri.

I had slight heartburn and queasiness for reasons I don’t know before I fell asleep. When I woke up overheated and with a racing heart, I had the runs and felt short of breath.

Although I wasn’t panicking, I called Tom at work because I knew it would help to hear his voice. Once again I’m alone so much of the time and that doesn’t help. One can still suffer no matter who is or isn’t around, but it’s always a little more comforting to do it with your loved ones around. I’m not like I was 20 years ago. I can’t be left alone for such long periods of time anymore.

I try to focus on doing things and keeping busy to distract my mind from my worries, but that’s pretty hard to do when you feel so shitty that that in itself is distracting you from concentrating on anything. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in bed; another thing I read is common and that can sometimes be mistaken for depression. I’m in a depressing situation, all right, but I’m not “depressed.” Just going through the worst perimenopause ever and hoping my meds and heart aren’t also a factor.

I want to sleep until it’s over but there’s no escape in sleep when all I do is keep waking up feeling like I’m on fire and my heart’s about to jump out of my chest.

When I got up at one point to use the bathroom, I was surprised that there was no callback from Stacey… and then I remembered… duh! She’s at her private practice on Fridays, so she won’t pick up my message until Monday morning.

Sometimes I miss some aspects of my old life, but not the old life itself. When I was younger I tended to live more in the moment, and when I did worry about the future it was more about what I would do while I still had plenty of time left to live. Not that I don’t still have plenty of time left to live (unless this shit finally kills me), but I worry more about the end… growing old, suffering, death and dying, etc.

I would like to publish this now along with finishing the laundry, and doing the things I usually do during my day that I’ve either neglected or not done enough of but because the lorazepam has left me drowsy I’ll publish it later.

I told Tom about Stacey and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem worried or surprised. Stacey’s harmless, so I suppose that telling him that she’s attracted to me isn’t much different than telling him I’d like a drink of orange juice. He trusts me and he knows that he’s my number one no matter what. Not that I expect to do so, but I could hug her, I could hold her hand, I could kiss her, I could snuggle up with her and chat… but nothing she could ever say or do would get me to leave Tom, not that I could imagine her ever trying to.

So where two days ago was bad, I would describe yesterday as semi-bad, and today much better. I even slept better and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Between the end of my day yesterday and now I have felt okay, though I’m starting to feel a little off.

My boobs are also a little sore and I have slight cramps.

Christine confirmed that the perimenopause symptoms aren’t consistent, which is what I’m now guessing this is since the symptoms aren’t as extreme as when I had high thyroid, and I’m not experiencing a couple of the symptoms I had then. Plus, there are my numbers to consider, and I really shouldn’t have any problems on this dose at this point. Hot flashes, racing heart, butterflies in the stomach… that’s what I’m experiencing for the most part.

Things really have shitty timing in life. Because I saw that my TSH was lower right after my stomach went on the fritz and my heart started racing a bit, I thought it was the meds. It still could be, but it seems unlikely at this point. Especially since you really don’t get any days off when you go thyrotoxic. The symptoms are much more extreme, relentless, plentiful and downright severe. Being high on thyroid will “mindfuck” you as well as affect you physically. Where you can get grumpy and maybe a bit depressed going through perimenopause, having too much thyroid makes you feel fearful. Because I’m not having that or any lung tightness, I gotta go with perimenopause. I’m just tired of never having any sure, concrete answers! To assume isn’t the same as knowing, and this is just fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m going to be tortured at random on and off all my life or not. If it’s perimenopause, then I could have another 7.5 years of intermittent torture. Do you know how bad that makes me want to scream?

It’s such a huge disappointment after doing so well for so long. No wonder I was feeling like things were too good to be true.

My doctor is on vacation until after the New Year and her nurse, Zaradhe, is answering her messages. Zaradhe told me that after my stress test, they might consider ordering me a heart rhythm monitor that you wear and press every time you have symptoms. My guess is that I’m still heart-healthy, but this might be a good thing to look into.

Every time I get excited about not having to have any appointments for a few months, things come up and more are added. Like something up there wants to keep the appointments going. I now need to follow up two weeks after the echocardiogram with Dr. A to discuss the results and the heart monitor, plus I might be seeing Stacey, something I have mixed emotions about for reasons I’ve already mentioned.

I left Stacey a message at 4:15, but I never heard back from her, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office in her outgoing message. It was definitely her low-pitched, soothing, sexy, almost husky voice I heard, and that voice definitely didn’t say her hours had changed.

So yeah, mixed emotions. So much for my Valentine’s call, though life is never what we plan it to be. I would rather see her under happier circumstances, but it’s nice to know she’s there for me when I need her.

I’m still not sure whether I would prefer to see her just at her office or anywhere else. I’d love to be her friend and for her to be mine, but I have my hesitations about that. I just wish I knew what she was open to. I think that would help influence my decision, though to be honest, I’m open to pretty much anything. Even though I would miss her, I would be okay with it if I knew I would never see her again. At the same time, I like the idea of seeing her (wherever) every few months or so because she seems to really help keep me going. Not that Tom doesn’t do a fine job on his own of that, but she lends an extra hand that really enhances that, if that makes any sense.

Although this may be a silly thing to think and I know she wouldn’t judge me for it, just like Tom said she wouldn’t, I worry about her being disappointed in me for having this setback. I think psychologically if I knew I had an appointment with her to look forward to every few months or so, it might help even more. I really do enjoy our chats, attracted to her or not.

They had a Christmas party at work. They actually rented time at a place called Dave and Buster’s where they have a lot of cool games. They gave him a gift card we can both use some time, plus a restaurant gift card and a movie theater gift card. We haven’t gone to the movies in years and I can’t believe anyone still does.

Sadly, after doing so well for so long, the anxiety returned last night with a vengeance right after I made my last entry. Every time I think the nightmare is over, it eventually returns. I never would have expected this at this point on this dose.

Throughout most of the evening, my anxiety was borderline where the “butterflies” threatened to let loose in my chest. Just minutes after midnight I got really warm, my mouth went dry, I felt faint feelings of suffocation, I felt the urge to take a dump even though I didn’t just yet, my face felt flushed and tingly, my heart started racing into the triple digits, and then I started shaking like an epileptic. I went from hot to cold and back-and-forth. It took me about 20 minutes to get my heart down into the double digits, and about 40 minutes just to feel some semblance of calm.

Then I got hit with another attack and woke Tom up an hour early. So much for Stacey’s EMDR therapy, though it could’ve been a lot scarier than it was.

Yes, I did take a lorazepam.

All I could think was that my TSH got too low, and I didn’t understand how the doctor could say my thyroid was “better” if my T4 was down. Tom had to remind me that the TSH only measures how loud the pituitary gland is ordering it to do its job. It’s better in that the pit gland is now saying, “Okay, she’s still a little low on thyroid, but I accept that and I’m getting used to it.”

So both glands are making peace with each other. The T4 being down could explain the hair loss and dry skin, though that’s the least of my worries. Untreated my T4 was 0.9 and my TSH was 34. My anxiety was at its absolute worst when my T4 was around 1.4. Lately, it’s down to 1.1 from 1.2, but my TSH is also down. Tom insists that the T4 is the REAL thyroid number that matters and that he’s always heard that you can have anxiety even when your life is fine and even when you least expect it. Well, there’s definitely nothing wrong in my life right now, but this actually started slowly coming on about 5 days ago. It just didn’t come to a head until last night.

Either way, this ONLY happens on the drug. It was only AFTER I started levothyroxine that I began to have these attacks. Could perimenopause be more at play than I realize? Also, could perimenopause symptoms come and go like that? I asked Christine, who had bad anxiety before she was confirmed to be menopausal, if it was consistent or if it took breaks here and there. She’s probably in bed now, though.

I haven’t been lightheaded but everything has been worse this last week. I can’t say it was just stress over the appointment since the appointment’s over. I’m waking up more often and sometimes it’s with a racy heart. I’m just not as tired right now because I slept forever. I may have woken up a million times along the way, but I slept a whopping 10 hours or so.

Dr. A told me it’s a medical disorder causing this, but why would I develop this so late in life? I never had anxiety to this degree until two years ago, so why now, and is it going to torture me on and off at random for the rest of my life?

Although I’m sure she won’t agree with it, I not only let the doctor know what’s going on, but I also told her I skipped today’s dose just like I did a couple of days ago. I seem to feel best when my TSH is at 10, meaningless number or not.

Tom says there’s a guy in his 20s at work who had a bad flu or something like that and he went to the emergency room where he was given an inhaler. Ever since then he’s been having panic attacks for the first time in his life and has been missing a lot of work. Well, those inhalers are stimulants as is levothyroxine. Also, you can bet your ass it’s times like this that I’m glad as hell I work at home. I feel like my anxiety reflects in things around here, though. It’s not like I haven’t been able to keep up on things or function, but I’m not doing as much as I’d like to do. It’s been days since I worked on my By the Month bio or edited my story.

I still wonder if the weight loss and stomach issues were more due to anxiety building up and returning than a change of diet, though Tom’s pretty sure it’s the diet. Sure is weird if that’s the case because my body hasn’t responded to traditional dieting in years, and I really feel like I was having more calories than I should in order to be able to lose weight. Even when I was young I had to go down to around 1000 calories to lose. Either way, it was in my nature to be thin until my thyroid crapped out, but not afterward. It just seems like vegan or not, I shouldn’t have lost the 8 pounds, even if I can certainly afford to do so.

The only symptoms I’m not having this time around are the funky emotions where I get flashes of dread or suddenly want to scream, and I don’t feel like a semi is parked on my chest. I’m not always jittery either. I only get jittery when my heart races. Right now I feel perfectly calm, but I’m fair game any second to an attack, and things are always subject to change. Anxiety is very unpredictable. So long gone are the days when I believed something bad had to be going on in order for it to happen, and that you could control it.

I am still going to try my damnedest to control it as best I can by taking measures to do things that have a calming effect on me when it gets bad. Like maybe see Stacey, An idea I have mixed emotions about as I think she would as well. I have no doubt that she would be delighted to see me, but as I’m sure we both agree, it wouldn’t be under the greatest of circumstances. I really wanted to wait and call her in a couple of months just to say hi and let her know I’m doing well for the most part. Not, “I need to see you because I’m anxious again.”

She’s the Rolls-Royce of counselors, good-looking or not, and she’s a great lady who has a very calming effect on me and I love to chat with her. I just don’t want to be anxious again! I’m going to give it another day or two and see how I do, and then I’ll make a decision by the end of the week. I’m just tired of things getting in the way of my plans, even if life is rarely what we plan it to be. As fantastic as she is I’d rather never see her again (unless we became friends in the future) than to have to run to her because I’m anxious again. She is the anxiety expert, though.

I looked up what foods are rich in tryptophan other than meat, and found that beans and lentils are good sources of tryptophan as well.

My first thought was oh no, I’m going to suffer for three months just like the last time until I lower my dose, but I’m trying not to think that way. For now, I’m just going to enjoy the calm while it lasts. I just wish it wasn’t so scary when attacks happen even though I know damn well they can’t hurt me. The butterflies in the stomach are annoying and frustrating, but the racing heart gets scary. In a sense, it’s artificial fear.

So… Setting my fake fear aside for now, I have a new mattress on the way. It too, is a 13” mattress, only this one’s memory foam topper is infused with a cooling gel, it’s firmer, and it has a 10-year warranty. The mattress I have now came with no promises or guarantees of any kind. I got it almost 5 years ago and it’s sagging to the point where I’m starting to wake up with lower backaches.

Yesterday evening we went on a 15-minute walk down to the lake and back. It was cold and misty out, but nice.

Last night’s lavender sage bath bomb smelled surprisingly good. There’s one called Sinus Relief but I think I’ll save that for if I ever have a cold or flu again, which may be years from now. I rarely get sick in that way. While I’m not sick, though, I don’t want to come out of the tub smelling like Vicks.

I update Blogger every few days or so. Maybe because this entry is so long, I’ll update it tonight.

I dreamed I was riding my bike down a street that my dream self seemed to think was in Florida. I was stark naked as I pedaled down a narrow street with lots of dense palm trees to shade it. I came to a causeway and rolled over a narrow strip that was just wide enough for the tires and perhaps 6” long and onto the bridge. The bridge extended over the ocean and it rose upward to allow a boat to pass. Then it started to lower itself and I had to quickly stop the bike to keep from slipping into the water. There were other people around but they didn’t seem to notice my nudity.

I suddenly realized I didn’t have my phone with me and I wanted to go home before it got too late. So I started riding back and ended up inside someone’s house. There were three people sitting in the living room watching TV. I assumed them to be a couple and their teenage daughter.

“Oh, this is a private residence,” I said.

They noticed I was naked and had some questions for me. Unsure of how to explain it, I simply said that I was being paid a lot of money to do some dare, then I asked if I could leave now. LOL

I’m going to make this as quick as I can because I’m exhausted. I usually sleep better after an appointment because I’m relieved to have it done and over with, but I woke up a few times after sleeping less than six hours. The last time I woke up was due to a lower backache because my mattress is beginning to sag. I have a strong core since I work out regularly, so when my mattress gets my back aching, I know it’s time for an upgrade. I will describe the new mattress I’m getting another time.

While my cholesterol is still bad, I saw Doc A yesterday and she’s thrilled that my thyroid is better. So am I, but I’m also worried despite her assurances. I’m pleased with the weight loss just as much as she is, since losing weight helps with everything overall, as she said. Yet while this should be exciting, I still worry that my numbers are going to end up in a place that could leave me horribly anxious. It really, REALLY sucks to have to spend the rest of my life on a drug that has the potential to make me feel worse than I could ever imagine possible. But that’s just the way it is. After what happened I’m going to have this hanging over my head for as long as I live.

While I have been calmer overall this year, my anxiety is borderline right now, and of course I’m asking myself… is it just because I’m worried? Or are the meds affecting me even though my numbers don’t currently say they should be?

I think I’m just worried about those “what ifs.” I’m not always very good at telling myself not to worry unless something goes wrong. For now, I’m just trying to take it one step at a time and am applying Stacey’s emotional tapping regimen when I feel like I might be getting anxious. My HR is in the 90s and while that’s better than the triple digits, I like it best when it’s a comfortable 80-something. The 90s are more normal for me, though, like it or not. I just worry about my numbers getting too low, or any additional weight loss affecting that and how I feel.

My body is definitely acting like it once again has a metabolism. I don’t gain as much after eating, and the weight doesn’t hang on hour after hour afterward. Like I said, where this should be thrilling, it’s a little scary. Maybe a part of me also got used to being fat for so long. Despite the fact that obesity does run in my family, I never would have gotten fat had it not been for my thyroid. I’m simply not naturally heavy, though I have been heavy for years now. Before this, I spent most of my life average or underweight, though I did have a fat spell in my late teens due to a medication I was on.

The question is whether or not Stacey’s tricks would be as magical if I ever got as bad as I was when my endo tried me on 88’s. When something is medically induced it’s a lot harder to fight. Internal sources, as opposed to external sources, are always tougher. I would take the stress of worrying about money any day over health issues. Right now I’m just very thankful to be doing better and that my husband is, as he himself put it, “remarkably healthy.” He is obese and he does have high blood pressure, but he is otherwise healthy and determined to lose weight along with me. Fortunately for me, I don’t even have 30 pounds to go.

I’m glad I stuck with Doc A. The more I see her, the more I like her and feel comfortable with her as I get to know her and she gets to know and understand me. She’s a very sweet person.

She listened to my heart, lungs, and checked to make sure my ankles weren’t swollen. She didn’t pressure me at all about statins. I guess she wants to see the results of the stress test first. This is the only test I feel confident about, too.

For now, she’s going to test my thyroid again in March, but I won’t see her again until June, at which time I’ll have a full panel of blood work done as they do every year.

She refilled my inhaler even though I only had to use it once. Just because I don’t smoke doesn’t mean I can’t have an attack, and I feel comfortable having an inhaler available. I have had a few attacks since quitting smoking in 1997.

She also refilled that cream that my first doctor gave me for feminine itching.

I definitely feel more comfortable with her checking my thyroid regularly because the numbers simply aren’t etched in stone. They really can and do change. I just never thought my TSH would get this low on this dose.

For now, I guess I just keep eating healthy, keep active, continue losing weight, and hope for the best.

It’s kind of funny how it’s a known fact that obesity poses health risks, yet all four of the nurses and office workers I saw were obese. Not just a little overweight like me, but seriously obese. Guess that’s just the US for you.

The thing I look forward to most about losing weight isn’t appearance or health benefits, but mobility. Everything’s harder when you’re heavy, and I miss having a broader range of motion. I’m still fairly flexible, but not like I used to be and not like I could be if I dropped some weight.

Despite the fact that I will always have an underlying fear of medication in general, I was brave enough to let them give me a flu shot. Unfortunately, it’s only good for three months, yet flu season goes till June. I rarely get colds and flu, though, so I’m not worried.

So much for this being a quick entry, but I’m going to sign off for now.

Had stomach issues again throughout the night, but not nearly as bad as last night.

I guess I’m ready now to write about the dreams I had. The strangest one involved living in the woods somewhere and having to share condiments with Aly that were left in a pile on some old tree stumps. She also lived in the woods somewhere. I don’t know what state we were in or how I knew she lived there as I didn’t actually seem to see her in the dream other than on the cover of a magazine.

The magazine was called One Person and it was about people who considered themselves independent in a way that they didn’t need friends, and they considered people to be disposable whenever and wherever. Aly’s picture was on the front of the magazine. She stood in a confident and determined pose, which was visible down to her mid-thigh or so. She was thin and her hair was very short and very straight.

Out of the condiments, I noticed that she seemed to hog up this particular salad dressing, but was kind enough to leave me another bottle of similar dressing.

Then Tom told me that a house was soon to be built nearby.

“Where?” I asked him.

“Over there,” he said pointing through the trees.

I was immediately disappointed because I knew that this meant having to deal with barking dogs that would always be outdoors.

Then I was lying in a hospital bed somewhere, though I wasn’t asleep. I was lying on my side when two girls who thought I was asleep snuck up on me as if they were about to pull some prank on me. I yelled something at them and they ran off.

Then I remembered I was supposed to meet Stacey somewhere at 7 o’clock, though I don’t know where since she doesn’t see patients that late. I wasn’t at home but was able to glance at a nearby clock, wherever I was, and see that it was already 7 o’clock. I hoped that Tom had contacted her to tell her I wouldn’t make it.

Lastly, I had some dream about a missing child. A bunch of elementary school kids was in the movie theater and I was watching as the police hauled them out in a hurry and sent them over to their waiting parents. I guess they wanted to get all the kids they could home safe until they located the one that was missing.

Later…

I’ve now lost a surprising 8 pounds! The results of my TSH test were just as surprising.

I checked the health site early in the morning and found that my lipid panel had come in the previous evening. They were just then posting the metabolic panel.

Not much change with my cholesterol, which is still bad. When I read my TSH score of 7.75, however, I started off in shock, then I was pleased, and then I started getting a little nervous.

My last TSH reading in August was 10.14, and my T4 was 1.2.

My recent results are 7.75 and 1.1. I really thought my TSH might have floated to 11 or 12 because my skin and hair are dry.

My stomach is now stable, and as some of you also know, I had horrible stomach cramps, nausea and the runs yesterday and the day before. Initially, I believed it was the sudden change of diet.

So anyway, I’m sitting there looking at the numbers and then I thought about it… the rapid weight loss, the stomach issues… could I be going hyper again? I still do overheat in my sleep at times and my heart races me awake. I just don’t freak out about it because I know what it is.

So I Skyped Tom the info at work and he assured me I’m not even close to hyper and reminded me that they could’ve tested me the day before and gotten a TSH of 13 and then 10 the day before, since that one fluctuates. The real thyroid numbers that matter is the T4 and it’s down, not up. He assured me I was just nervous because I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow with Dr. A, and I later realized he was right.

He assures me the weight loss is because I went vegan, it won’t always drop that fast, and my stomach issues were the results of the treats I had after the lab. Not food poisoning, a stomach bug or me going hyper.

Fortunately, I feel a lot better now otherwise I might have trouble believing him. One of the biggest symptoms of being hyper besides the anxiety and booming heart is that you have a lack of appetite, you have the runs, and you lose weight quickly.

But then I thought about it more and realized that when I was actually hyper I didn’t have intense stomach cramps or nausea; I simply had the runs. Also, I haven’t been having any funky emotions, lung tightness or jitteriness. Yes, my heart can still race or beat a little hard at times, but nothing like when I was hyper. Your HR can soar into the 140s just sitting on your ass when you’re hyper. Trust me, it’s utterly batshit terrifying, especially if you don’t know what’s going on.

My only concern right now is how much accumulation I might be in for in the future. As I learned from Doc O, this drug can accumulate in the system, so I’ll soon ask Doc A. The last thing I want is for the levothyroxine to keep accumulating and dropping me under a 5. Around 7 to 10 are my personal ideal numbers.

My rainbow sweatshirt finally arrived from overseas and it fits great. It’s a medium and is slightly loose on me.

Oh, what a night I had last night! I ended up sick for the last eight hours of my day. Anything is better than anxiety, but it was one rough ride. It started with sharp cramps in my upper abs and moved downward. I had gas, cramps and nausea all night long. It’s a true miracle I never puked or had the runs. I felt so bad at times I actually wished I would puke.

I totally regret getting that burger and fries. I agree with Tom who says that it’s not so much because I had meat for the first time in so long, but more because I radically changed my diet that day and took in so much grease. From what he looked up, our food stays with us 24 to 72 hours. The junk food likely got stuck in my intestines and then yesterday’s food was probably forced to stay in my stomach longer than normal, thus causing the whole reaction. Another thing I had that my body isn’t used to was a big bag of popcorn. This wasn’t the diet kind either, but a full-size bag of buttery popcorn.

Ironically enough, though, getting sick has caused me to hit my goal weight for this week, which I didn’t expect to reach. So now I’m down a total of 6 pounds.

I slept horribly. I was too hot. I was too cold. Traffic was too loud. My belly continued to cramp. After about five hours of sleep, I got up to relieve my stomach again and took a lorazepam to help me fall back asleep. I slept longer but I woke up groggy because of the disturbed sleep and because the lorazepam was still in my system. These days I don’t take the lorazepam for anxiety since the anxiety has backed off, but every now and then I use it for sleep. Why not finish what I have left if I could use it at times?

I was almost afraid to eat today, but I can’t avoid it forever. Tom got me some ginger ale, so hopefully that will help. Better yet, I need to just stay vegan. It isn’t just meat that’s bad for me, but anything fried or battered. I just can’t eat like I used to and that shit wasn’t healthy anyway.

I have more to write about, but I’m still pretty out of it so I’ll do it later. Right now I just want to climb into my warm, soft comfy bed.

Our senior rat Cappy has died, but to be honest, I haven’t exactly shed any tears over him. He was a very antisocial rat. Never before did we have a rat that couldn’t live with other rats and needed to be separated from the others. But he did.

Despite being old at two years old, which is when they usually die, his death was kind of a surprise because he died so suddenly. You usually know a few days in advance when they’re going to die.

Now the other three which are now six months old can have both the upper and lower levels of the cage.

Tonight’s bath bomb was pumpkin spice and it was definitely the strongest-smelling one so far. This one turned the water a neon piss, almost mustard color.

I’m hungry as hell right now because I’ve got an appointment at the lab at 3:45 and it’s a fasting blood test. I wouldn’t have to fast if they were testing just my thyroid, but there’s a lipid panel as well. I didn’t get up until 11 AM, but 5 hours without eating is still a long haul. You can bet your ass I’m going to be loading up on cholesterol afterward!

This is such a pointless, stupid waste of time. I already made it clear to them that I’m not taking any more thyroid medication, and the more I thought about it, the more I’m sure I’m going to refuse statins as well. Forever I mean. Statins just don’t always prevent strokes and heart attacks. Tammy would know this firsthand. She’s been on statins for years yet that didn’t stop her from having a heart attack. So why take something and always stress about the side effects if I’m just going to eventually have one anyway? If I do, I still think it would be many years from now. My carotid ultrasound didn’t show any plaque, so I’d say I’m good until my 70s or 80s.

I spent quite a while yesterday sweeping the rest of these popcorn ceilings of their beloved dust and webs.

Exchanged hellos with Jon earlier who asked how our tech stuff was going. He said he didn’t want to say “nerdy” stuff and offend me, but I wouldn’t be offended at all and neither would Tom. We’re definite nerds/tech junkies, or whatever you want to call us. Jon said that’s something he admires because it’s a talent he doesn’t have. Tom is still much more knowledgeable than I am. My specialty is with words, foreign and not.

Today was bulk trash pickup. We tossed one of the old rat cages, a couple of old vacuums, and a couple of old portable heaters.

Later…

They were only a few minutes late for my appointment at the lab, but OMG! I guess even Russian parents don’t believe in teaching their kids any manners. I didn’t know they were Russian at first. I only knew it was both rude and ridiculous the way they let one of their brats scream so loud that I could barely hear the woman at the desk speaking to me.

It was afterward that Tom said I should’ve kept up on my Russian studies. I guess the lady at the desk was having a hard time communicating with the woman. I would have kept up on it if it weren’t such a pain in the ass not having a Russian keyboard. The language didn’t seem that difficult to learn.

This other guy could have used my sign language, which is almost as good as my English. He was deaf, and the woman had Tom get his attention while I was checking in.

Anyway, the guy who drew my blood was nice enough to use a butterfly needle at my request. I just find it easier to save them time than have them discover the hard way how tiny my veins are. I finally learned why, too. It’s bad genetics. One of my parents or grandparents had small veins. I guess you could really say I’m genetically screwed. Makes me wonder why my parents had kids, knowing how many problems the family had. On top of wondering why they had kids they never truly wanted in the first place and that they would ultimately abuse, of course.

He took four vials, two for my thyroid, two for cholesterol. Trying not to think of how shitty the results may be. I know the cholesterol is going to be bad; it’s the thyroid I’m worried about. Especially when its medication can cause some of us the kind of terror-filled anxiety you probably wouldn’t even feel if some psycho held you at gunpoint, as I was telling Norma when she recommended I get my heart checked every 6 months if I don’t take statins, due to the family history. I told her I was getting stress-tested soon.

The traffic was a nightmare, and there sure are some angry people in Cali. We pulled into the parking lot of Jack-in-the-Box when this vehicle suddenly stops right in front of us. I was in the midst of asking Tom why they stopped when this youngish plump blonde storms out of the passenger side and runs around to the driver (who I never did see) and starts screaming at them. Even though people don’t scare me easily, I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be the one she was screaming at. This bitch was livid as hell.

So I got the burger and fries I promised myself I would get after the lab and felt just awful afterward. Not much heartburn but I felt so sluggish and just yucky overall. The experience reminded me of part of why I went vegan. Initially, I did it to lower my cholesterol never knowing just how much better I would feel not to mention wonderfully regular. Never thought I would say this, but veganism is definitely the way to go. Makes me kind of pissed to know I loaded up on practically a year’s worth of meaty TV dinners. It was a stupid thing to do that I’m sure to regret, especially since I didn’t crave or miss meat nearly as much as I thought I would. Once it’s gone I’m only going to have meat at fast food joints, which I only visit once or twice a month if even that. Fruits, veggies, beans, rice, yogurt… that’s the way to go. Not meat, cheese, sugar, pasta, or bread. No salty snacks either, although sometimes I do give in to popcorn.

The vampire said red meats and citrus were good after having blood drawn. I was so hungry that I felt a little dizzy after the blood was drawn being on an empty stomach and all that. And oh, how grumpy I felt! Hunger makes me grumpier than PMS at its worst. He said the body produces something like 2 million red blood cells an hour, so I guess my body’s long since replaced the lost blood.

The Caddy has a fake convertible roof, which started to tear off and look really ugly, so he glued it back down with gorilla glue.

He has to work tomorrow, which both sucks and doesn’t suck. He doesn’t have as much free time as he’d like, but it’s more money.

I’m having a love-hate relationship with this weather. It’s rainy, cold, yucky and dismal. But it sure is keeping the peace around here.

I’m a little worried for the women of Ohio should the ridiculous “heartbeat” bill become law. It’s not just infuriating but it’s downright insane. Not only do most women not even know they’re pregnant at just six weeks when a heartbeat can be detected, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “life” with any form of awareness that could possibly be “murdered.” We have little to no sense of awareness until after were born, so if abortion is murder then so is pulling a weed.

I don’t get people. Most men are anti-children claiming that children are for the women, and many women these days are choosing careers over children. Yet we’re trying to strip women of their rights and make abortion illegal in every way we can? How fucked up is that? I don’t doubt, however, that abortion will one day be illegal nationwide. People are just that crazy.

I’ve been asked what I find attractive in a woman, and how feminine and I am as opposed to masculine, so I thought I would elaborate a bit on that if people must know. :-) Well, I’m pretty damn feminine… high heels, skirts, dresses, glitter, pink things, makeup, long hair (or at least nothing above the shoulders). Most days, however, I’m dressed both casually and comfortably. I’m all-woman either way.

However, I do tend to lean towards being naturally muscular, and I won’t hesitate, win or lose, to stand up to a man trying to harm me (or anyone I love) just as I would with another woman.

Since returning from vacation early in the year I have worked out consistently, not just with walking and running, but also on the Bowflex gym we’d recently gotten. I’m slowly but noticeably peeling inches, and one can definitely look at me and tell I work out. The muscle is most visible in my shoulders, biceps, abs and calves, though you can see some muscle in my outer thighs as well.

As for what I find attractive, I think I’ve always had a rather unique opinion of that and what I consider “attractive.” Those supermodels that most people find the most gorgeous… well, to me they’re attractive in the way a beautiful flower or a butterfly is attractive. They’re lovely to look at, but not something I consider a “turn-on.” My main type is typically older women who are tall and dark, and as long as the hair isn’t short in a manly kind of way and they’re not immensely obese, then hair length and body weight don’t matter much.

There have been some exceptions, though. I have found some blonds and redheads attractive, and then there’s Stacey. She’s got dark hair and eyes and she’s the type that could probably tan easily enough, but she’s anything but tall. Those warm brown eyes and sexy smile combined with her calm and intelligent personality are a definite winner in my eyes. Some might consider her plain and frail, but I think we all have our own definition of what’s “beautiful.”

Alison may not have tweeted for a couple of days, but she’s still using the account. She’s following more people and “liking” things. Then she did tweet something about having an allergic reaction on account of coconut being an ingredient in something she ate, and so the drama queen needed a Benadryl.

I was remembering back to the time I was oh so worried and depressed at the thought of her possibly dying of cancer, which she may or may not really have, and it was all for someone who didn’t give a shit about me in return. So basically it was all for nothing, and now a part of me wishes she would drop dead. Like I said, Molly may have been a crazy, stalking piece of shit, but I get how she turned on Aly and some of the things she would say to her.

Today’s bath bomb was blueberry. It turned the water a very vivid and pretty shade of Robin's egg blue. This one smelled the best, but the smell quickly faded.

Last night I dreamed I was staying in a huge hotel. I wandered out of my room without my glasses and was so blind that I couldn’t find my way back to my room. I would get in the elevator and keep getting off on the wrong floor.

Then in another dream, a girl in her 20s was talking on her phone and appeared to be worried about something. When she hung up I told her, “Look, the cops are never your friend. No matter how much we may mistakenly think so and wish they were, they’re usually not. So never tell them anything they don’t absolutely need to know.”

I stopped spotting, lost the extra water, and now I’m once again wondering if I’ve hit menopause. It’s definitely looking promising!

Later…

The panty pack arrived and they’re pretty impressive considering that every pair fits and each of the 30 pairs cost less than a buck. Some are loose and some are a bit snug, but their quality is great. They come in a variety of fabrics, styles and colors, but none are crotchless. There was one small and a few mediums, but most are large. There are a couple of extra larges as well. Still don’t care for some of the low riders, fat or not, because they give you the feeling that your underwear is slipping down.

There were a few bikinis and a few T-backs, but most are typical G-strings. Some are silky, but most are cotton. Some are solid colors while others have prints.

I hate panty lines and now that I’m not getting periods (I hope) I’ll probably switch from boy shorts to G-strings.

I Skyped Tom a picture of them, and I Facebooked Tammy and Marie pictures as well. I knew Marie would get a kick out of it. Prior to sending them to her, she sent me a picture of herself. While she looks like a lesbian, she looks great. Not an ounce of fat on her.

Last night I dreamed that Stacey was at what might’ve been a psychic fair. The dream took place in the past, which I saw from her POV. The psychic was telling her she would meet someone (I assume that someone was me).

“She’s in 2015,” I’m pretty sure the psychic said.

Then I dreamed that I was either just leaving or quickly stopping by what might have been a couple’s place. It was early evening and the sun had just set.

“Okay, have a good night, Jodi,” a dark-haired woman said to me in a serious, almost impatient tone as she saw me out.

I left on heels, carrying a colorful dress as well as a rainbow candy cane of sorts. I realized that I had a long walk home and that I better hurry up or else my feet would be killing me. I felt a bit overwhelmed at the idea of having to walk so far in heels.

Then I spotted a young couple I knew heading to their car and was thinking of asking for a ride when I realized I had my own car there. I seem to drive a lot in dreams.

Aly hasn’t tweeted in two days yet her Fitbit stats clock her at taking nearly 30K steps a day. Yeah, some cancer victim. Let me guess, though…she’s abandoned this account for another one? I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t have a way of knowing I was following her.

Speaking of accounts… I had no idea one of my old Twitter accounts was still activated until I spotted it following Prosebox’s Twitter account. Oh great. So Aly and Kim have had the luxury of playing victim all this time without me knowing it. That’s something God would allow for. I put it to sleep for good, so all their future accounts won’t be able to block it. I’m only using one account now which they’re unaware of.

I got my K-cup holder yesterday and I like it a lot. Today I’m getting the 40-pack variety of K-cups.

As for my tennis ball bath bombs… their colors and moisturizing effects are more noticeable than their smell. The grape turned the bathwater dark purple, the sandalwood turned it a cloudy piss color, and the snickerdoodle, which was infused with glitter, turned it a surprisingly vivid magenta. Tomorrow I will use the blueberry bath bomb, as I don’t take baths every day. I still prefer showers.

I watched the first six seasons of Pretty Little Liars, and now I’m watching season 17 of Law & Order SVU. Mariska Hargitay has always been my favorite, but I’ve recently noticed just how handsome Raul Esparza is.

I’m still spotting on and off as I have been since November 30, but I haven’t had an actual period since September 2.

A freeze warning was in effect until 9am. Some people covered their plants with blankets. Where are the hot flashes when I need them?!

Really hope it’s quieter today than yesterday. Yesterday I heard landscaping on and off for 6 hours and it was so annoying. I could also hear hammering, but only outside. Still… enough is enough!

Same goes for this mutt I hear every single fucking day. It may only be for a few seconds, but I just want to kick it! Unlike Geri’s dog, this dog yips ferociously. If this were left outside next to us in the mainstream I’d be killing it in no time.

Said hello to Carolyn yesterday, who accidentally left her key in the mailbox overnight.

Pinterest has undergone yet another makeover. Kind of getting sick of all the change there. I liked it the way it was. That’s why I joined in the first place. The thing is that the changes are pointless. Why don’t they make some changes people could actually use, like a better way to weed out duplicates, download pins, etc.?

Today’s the first day in a while where I’m running low on energy. I feel okay otherwise. I just wish I would either get my period or that my PMS symptoms would back off. I’ve been spotting on and off for a week now. When I see Dr. A in a week I’ll let her know, but I think she’ll just want to do a Pap.

I gained half my lost weight back and once again I realize that if I stand a chance of losing more than just a few pounds it’s going to have to wait until I hit full-fledged menopause. With cycles comes both water and hunger, and I know not all of the weight gain is water. If it was it would come right back off after periods, but since I have to slowly work it off, that tells me it’s weight gain from the extra eating done when my hunger levels are up.

It’s cold and foggy here now but that didn’t stop Bob from blowing leaves for over a half-hour. It’s definitely going to stop me from working out outdoors, though. Since I exercise most days, I might take today off given my lack of energy. Forcing myself to do the cleaning I want to do today will be enough, although I suppose I could put it off until tomorrow.

Two out of the three times we’ve ordered groceries online they made Tom wait 10 minutes before giving him the groceries. The whole point in ordering online was to save time and this doesn’t exactly save much of that, so if he’s made to wait again today when he stops after work, we’ll just go back to getting our own groceries. He books a specific time for a reason. If they can’t keep that time, then what’s the point?

Really wish I could come up with more story ideas now that I have such great tools to help me write them faster. Too bad there isn’t anything to help make editing go faster. Editing is still 80% of the work, and I don’t find that part much fun at all.

Last night I dreamed we were back in the Phoenix house. I don’t know if we moved back there or were just staying there temporarily. We hated it there, so we would never do either one. Nonetheless, the house had major electrical problems, and Tom would have to reset breakers regularly.

I woke up one morning to find the house very warm, tried to kick on the AC, but found it dead. I found Tom in the kitchen who said, “I’m right on it,” before I could say anything.

As he was stepping into his shoes, however, I said, “I hate this fucking house.”

I did hate that old dark house with its shitty layout and single bathroom that was just a few feet away from a pack of race-carding freeloaders, though I did like the pool/spa, private backyard, and being on a solid concrete foundation. The neighborhood was going downhill when we left in 1999. It started off fairly average when I moved in with him in 1993, but more and more lazy scum was moving into the area.

70 more days until I call Stacey!

“I’m well aware of the importance of this day but I just don’t have it in me to be so kind anymore,” tweeted the Midwestern liar before she deleted it.

Was she referring to my birthday? I was surprised she remembered (in her last message to me) that I was about to turn 51, but why would she care enough to call it “important” and say she doesn’t have it in her to be so kind anymore when she made up her mind months ago never to contact me again? She must be talking about something else. Her and her riddles!

She definitely runs low on kindness, that’s for sure. I never realized just how cold and heartless she could be till she dumped me. Dishonest, yes, but downright mean? Not until she decided I didn’t have anything to “offer” her as a friend since Aly obviously expects something from her friends because just giving our friendship and ourselves to her isn’t enough.

Weight is still slowly struggling to return. I suspect I won’t get a period till it’s all back, and that may be some time next week when I catch up on the cholesterol I’ve been missing. Yeah, after labs it’s off to enjoy chicken, beef, fish, cheese and egg-based meals for a while.

I’m dreading my lab results! Really worried my TSH is going to be up because my skin’s drier, my hair is thinner in front and seems to have stopped growing again. No one can make me take any more or additional meds, though. I’d rather live a shorter, happier unhealthier life than a longer, healthier one where I have to struggle with or at least worry about side effects from drugs all the time. As I’ve always said, sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to not deal with it at all, at least for a while.

She’s gonna hit me for female exams, too. sighs I just want the appointments to slow down! Two dental, two eye exams, and two PCP visits a year is half a dozen appointments. To add a mamo and a pap, plus any other specialists would be way too much. Even if I could keep a schedule, he doesn’t have unlimited days off, and we don’t have unlimited funds for all the copays and parking either.

Really hit the jackpot at Goodwill yesterday! Just when I thought I wouldn’t find anything of interest, I came across three 18” dolls with rather pleasant and realistic faces. They’re nicer than my American Girl-like 18” dolls only skinnier and all-vinyl. The other “fatties” have soft bodies.

When I got home I looked up the information embossed on their backs and found them to be surprisingly expensive. They’re from the Best Friends Club Ink collection, and most of the ones I found for sale on Amazon and eBay are going for over $100. Walmart has the Addison doll for $80. A few (probably used) were running between $16 - $40. We paid $12 total for this trio.

Gianna has blue eyes and auburn hair. Yuko, my favorite, is Asian. Then there’s Calista with green eyes, brown hair and darker skin. Not sure if she’s a mix of black and white or Hispanic and white.

They all came with tops and leggings with one of the leggings being footed. One of the tops fell apart after I washed it. Also, one came barefoot, one came with black shoes, and one came with a single pink shoe. I looked on Amazon for accessories and found a surprisingly limited selection. Depending on the style, they can wear a few of the fat doll outfits.

Another thing I like about these dolls is how jointed they are. They’re super jointed… elbows, wrists, ankles, knees… even the upper thighs so you can turn the leg out since they can only move front to back from the hips. They can bend a bit at the waist, too.

I now have so many damn collectibles that I pulled half of them off of shelves and dressers and boxed them up for a while. I figure that every few months I’ll switch off.

After Goodwill, we went back to Jack-in-the-Box where I got fries and raspberry ginger ale. I guess Tom must have looked younger that day because he didn’t get an automatic senior discount.

We went out walking and running when we got back, and sure enough, my hip was on fire afterward.

Did a small Amazon order because he had to get more cleaning solution for the carpet cleaner. I also grabbed some K-cups and a 3-tier storage drawer that holds 54 K-cups.

I’m also getting a surprise panty pack from China that includes 30 pairs of panties in a variety of styles and fabrics for just $28. It’s like a fun grab bag, though I don’t expect to like every pair, especially the few crotchless ones.

So it was a fun birthday and I got spoiled by Tom and lots of birthday wishes online. I was a little surprised Eileen didn’t remember my birthday and that Tammy didn’t call, but that’s ok.

Going to spend my birthday today out shopping as well as at home relaxing.

We went to Jack-in-the-Box and Walgreens yesterday. At Walgreens, I got pomegranate bath bombs, a leopard print car for the rats and I to play with, a sparkly headband, snacks, and light blue press-on nails with white snowflakes.

Because I’ve been craving variety after spending a month on a diet that consists of 90% vegetables, I got a large order of fries and a delicious salty caramel milkshake that really messed up my stomach. It was worth it, though. I would’ve had a burger instead of the shake except I can’t have any cholesterol until after the labs. I’ll be going there next weekend.

Where things got funny was when Tom gave a quick chuckle and said, “I think I’m offended,” as he showed me the receipt for our order.

“Senior discount,” it said, and I burst out laughing. Poor guy doesn’t even have to tell anyone anymore that he’s getting old.

On the way home, we drove by a cemetery that excitedly exclaimed, “New spaces available!” Like gee, that’s so exciting. Such a beautiful place that we ought to hurry up and die and use them up so we can stay there forever, LOL.

Woke up from a nightmare, heart pounding furiously in my chest. I took a lorazepam for the first time in a while to help get me back to sleep. Might as well use up what I’ve got left when I could use it.

I was visiting a younger couple’s house. They were perhaps in their 30s. The woman was scared of her ex who had been harassing them. I left the living room to get a drink in the kitchen when I looked out the window and saw a giant gold pickup suddenly pull in between their house and the next house even though there was no driveway there, and I ran to tell the couple who had been blasting their TV.

The woman ran to the back door and I proceeded to shut and lock any open windows. While I was doing this I was afraid that the woman wouldn’t take the situation seriously enough to call the police. I woke up wondering where my phone was and if I’d even brought it over.

Still spotting and still hungrier than usual, though yesterday wasn’t too bad with the hunger.

Got the leopard sheath dress and it fits well. It’s a little snug, especially since I’m bloated right now, but once I lose the water or a little more weight, it should be fine. It looks ok from the front, but when I turn to the side you can see that I’ve got my bloat on. My body is struggling to make up its mind whether or not to kick off one more period.

Not hunting for Aly’s Twitter account proved to be easier said than done once again, though she doesn’t know that I’m aware of it. I know it’s a bad excuse but at the end of my day, I got bored and was too tired to do anything productive.

Her only tweet since then was that she promised a Fitbit friend that she would change Twitter handles, which makes no sense, especially since Kim changed one of hers as well. Why would you promise anybody to change your handle unless you wanted to? I think she just doesn’t want to admit that I influenced the change should I find the account, and I did by Googling her bio there. Is she that stupid, or does she want me to keep finding her, even though I told her in our last exchange on NaNoWriMo that the next time she changed it I wouldn’t bother to look for it?

Another thing I don’t get is why Stacey’s son studied in Texas. He recently went to college there but is now living back in Auburn. If the family doesn’t live there anymore then why would the son study there? It hit me that she may have had Noah with another guy, but my research shows she’s married to his father.

I wish I’d known about intimate sets on Amazon before I got a 6-pack of Fruit of the Loom’s boy shorts at Walmart for $10 when I could’ve gotten a 10-pack for just $6 on Amazon.

In January when we do our next fun order, I’m getting a whopping 25-pack panty variety for just $25. Based on the reviews it’s like getting a surprise gift bag, so you may not like every single one. A buck apiece is a hell of a deal, though, for the variety of G-strings, thongs, bikinis, hipsters and boy shorts that are in it.

I’m up 2/10 of a pound. This is the slowest weight reset ever, and amazingly I’m not still starving after my first eat of the day like I have been the last 3 or 4 days. Thought I’d wake up a bleeder too, since I was crampy yesterday, but I’m not even spotting yet today.

Aly and Kim did exactly what I knew they would do and changed links on Twitter. I’m just surprised it took this long. Not sure why they couldn’t simply protect their tweets, but I’m not going to bother hunting the new links. I just don’t give a shit about them anymore. They’re both way in the past and that’s the way it stays.

Our laundry/bath tiles have arrived as well! The flower design in the centers is the same, just different colors. The kitchen flower is a dark pinkish-red with a green and white background. The laundry/bath tiles are mauve with the flower being a darker mauve.

It’s windy and cold tonight, so I will definitely be working out indoors.

The new heater I put by my desk is both compact and kick ass.

I also got my new 10-pack of assorted bath bombs. Love how they’re the size of tennis balls instead of golf balls. I used the grape soda first. The only ones I might not like so much are eucalyptus and whatever the sinus relief one is. There was also blueberry, sandalwood, Cinna bun-bun, cucumber melon, snickerdoodle, lavender sage, and pumpkin spice.

First I dreamed that somebody boarded up a large window in the center of a large wall because I complained that the work that had been done on the windows to the sides drove me crazy. So they were kind enough to just simply board it up rather than continue working on them, haha.

In another dream, I was on the road somewhere, maybe in the back of a van. I was on the phone talking to some young guy who said his girlfriend was everything he ever wanted and that he was set for life with her. I wondered if he was too young to be correct about that.

In the last dream, I was on probation for something when I suddenly realized I had failed to report for a while. In an attempt to cover my ass, I called and left a message with what I think was a female PO, saying that I tried to call her several times and was wondering why she hadn’t been out to see me. Then again, as I pointed out to her, it was only over something I said or wrote and not a violent crime that warranted being on probation in the first place, so I would understand if she didn’t bother with me.

Well, rest assured that I will never again allow any person, group or organization to legally screw me because of something I said or wrote that wasn’t threatening! If I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it, and no law is going to change that.