Ome.tv is an interesting way to waste time if you get bored or have trouble sleeping. Talked to a 50-year-old guy in New York in both English and Spanish. I’m guessing he was Puerto Rican.

Then I was going to chat with a younger guy in France who didn’t seem to know much English. Although I can read a bit of French, I never could get into the language so I can’t speak it. Just don’t find it pretty as most people do. Never would have learned German if it wasn’t for Nane.

The green doll eyes arrived and they’re much nicer than my own green eyes with flecks of gold in them that mine don’t have. Mine are just plain old medium to dark green that reminds me of moss or algae. They look surprisingly good on Gia but I don’t know that they would look good on Suki. Dark brown is still my favorite. The only thing I don’t like about the Gia head is how one eye is more open than the other.

It was the eyeshadow/liner stick that was a waste of money because it’s barely visible. Would have preferred blue or purple but they didn’t have that and I was curious to try it since it was cheap.

The precancerous spot on my chest is shrinking which I read they can do, so it might not need to be sprayed with liquid nitrogen. We’ll see how it is when I see Amy next month.

Haven’t gotten a robocall in over a week so maybe the blocks are finally working? Naw, I’d say more than likely the different scammers went down their list of numbers and found they weren’t going to get a response from this one.

I think part of the reason I’ve been tired lately isn’t just poor sleep but because I’ve been having too many processed foods again, so once I finish what I have, it’s back to cooking fresh stuff.

No anxiety today which is good and the experiment is still proving to be mostly successful since I’ve counted only nine days where I was either anxious or close to it since beginning it. In the past, my anxiety would last for weeks and sometimes even months. Brand was definitely a factor but dosage? I guess I’ll find that out when I one day return to 75s.

Last night I had the weirdest dreams. I don’t know where Tom was but Dr. O was living here. We were going to be going somewhere but first, she wanted to take a nap. I was doing things in another part of the house, which surprisingly looked exactly like this house looks when I realized after a while that she may have overslept. She was sleeping in the second bedroom, so I peeked in from the laundry room and saw she was just beginning to stir.

Then it seemed like we might have been in Springfield when she was taking me to her place. I expected it to be a house but instead, it was an old hotel that was converted into apartments.

Her dark curly hair was an inch or two below her shoulders instead of above and I told her I liked her hair longer. That was exactly what I thought the last couple of times I saw her. She was not only a brilliant doctor but despite having a stern personality, you couldn’t help but like her anyway. And even though most people would consider her average-looking, there was something about her I don’t know if I could exactly call attractive, but she did look pretty good for her 60s.

Then I had a dream Tom and I found out I was pregnant as we were walking somewhere. Tom told me the doctor wanted me to take this, too. Not sure what “this” was but when I asked why he said because I was older.

Then I was in a pool by myself totally unable to believe I was pregnant. I wasn’t showing yet but when I thought of all I would lose once the baby arrived (I don’t know why I didn’t just get rid of it since it wasn’t what I wanted), I was a little disappointed and worried. I knew I would have to give up a lot and that things wouldn’t be the same.

Was glad to finally sleep better after nearly a week and to have enough energy to jog down to the lake and back. As I was coming back up from the lake and turned onto Oak, I saw tons of cars parked on the outer edge of it and at first I was like, WTF? Then I looked down toward the first curve in the road and saw them prepping for today’s “road rage.” Yesterday they repaved the front part of the park, and the road we usually turn on when we come in the front gate was closed off, so he had to go the other way. It was open when he left early this morning.

I wonder if he’ll be able to get in on Thursday when our section is on for repaving? He may have to park down at the clubhouse or somewhere.

This fucking park, man. There’s always something going on here. Always.

Anyway, I didn’t feel any traces of anxiety yesterday but for a couple of hours earlier, I had mild traces of it. Going to see how I do until the end of the month and then decide whether or not I think it’s worth going back to 75s in time to push my TSH down under 10 for labs and all that. I’m not ready to call it a bust yet, but if it does get worse, then that puts me back to square one as far as trying to figure out what it could be. I still think some brands made it worse but I’m not sure about the dose at this point. I’m still hoping most of it is on me approaching menopause and that will be in just under three months if I can make it without another period. I’ve been hot flashing, so if I can still do that, I guess I could still get anxious and have those bouts of racing HRs.

Tom had a good point in saying that it seems to be less often and less intense lately. I suppose it’s unreasonable to think it would ever stop just like that, like flicking a light switch. Still, I really hope it’s connected to that and not the medication itself or me simply acquiring a medical disorder that makes me anxious on and off. If it was the medication itself, though, then I would think it would make me anxious every single time I took it, no matter what the dose or brand. Me just up and becoming this way for the rest of my life? I still can’t buy that one but I sure as hell hope not!

Yesterday was the first day I needed a Tucks in a while.

Hate the new Twitter. All they did was rearrange things and not give us features we could actually use. Hate the way my cover pic no longer stretches across the screen and how I can’t just hover over the name of someone and see their tweet count. There are some people I don’t actually follow but look in on every now and then. Some don’t always tweet and I used to be able to hover over their name and see if their tweet count had risen since the last time I checked. At this rate, I’d say they’re never going to let us edit tweets or make some private. A calendar would be nice to quickly jump to older tweets, too.

“I am a liberal Democrat and even I don’t see what is wrong with going after illegal immigrants who have ALREADY HAD THEIR DAY IN COURT and have been ordered deported and they are still here (that’s who they say they are going after, though if you are here illegally and happen to be right there when they find someone who should have been deported, they will be taken into custody too). I live in a sanctuary city and I don’t understand why we are protecting people who are here illegally. If I went to another country illegally, I wouldn’t expect them to protect me. And they wouldn’t.”

She’s wrong! We MUST protect our illegals and put them first and foremost! We must give these criminals things that we have to pay for, like healthcare. Hey, it’s only fair. So what if they drive crime rates and overcrowding up. So what if our tax dollars must go to support them. So what if this means longer waiting times at the doctors and a tremendous strain on our system. It’s that pregnant rape victim we need to control. It’s those awful gays we need to restrict. Really folks, let’s be a real country and keep supporting our illegals!

Yes, I was being sarcastic. I also feel like shit today for the usual reasons…I slept shitty and so I’m exhausted. Will write about yesterday’s trip to what turned out to be quite a park later or tomorrow. I don’t even know if I have the energy to clean or do NaNo today. Just gotta change the pigs I regret getting.

Later...

Here I am sentenced to bed rest for the millionth time after sleeping shitty, also for the millionth time. Woke up hot flashing several times and once due to traffic. I’m at the point where I realize it’s pointless to sleep with the bud because if I’m going to wake up a million times anyway just because of the stress of sleeping in the daytime in this place, what’s a few more times from traffic? I’m still going to be just as exhausted.

I was able to fall back asleep after being up for a while, but I feel almost as tired as I would have if I had not fallen back asleep. I don’t know why the additional sleep doesn’t refresh me but it doesn’t. I only know that my sleep is so fucking cursed that I don’t doubt that this is the way it’s going to be no matter where we live.

As much as I want to get out of here, it still seems like we’re trapped with no way out until he retires. I swear this only happens to us. He says it’s all because of owning a place but that’s bullshit. Tammy owns yet they’re getting out of there. We’re the only ones this has ever happened to. I just hope it isn’t too late when he retires because who knows what my health is going to be like then? Sleeping shitty two-thirds of the time can’t possibly be good for me. Again, I know I’m not going to sleep any better elsewhere since that’s just one department I’ve been seriously cursed in all my life in various ways, but whenever we move, I don’t know that I want to own anything again. When the nice couple next door dies or moves, I don’t want to be stuck for years when the motorcycle moves in. I want to be able to move easier if owning is what’s really holding us back, and I can’t deny that that is indeed a big part of it. We’ll probably only be able to get 30 or 40 grand for this place and if we lived off of that while we moved and he scrambled to get a job, by the time someone would give us a place, the money we would need for a down payment would be gone.

But again, I don’t know that I want to own because not only can you get out faster if you rent, but what if the climate does affect either one of us in a bad way? I don’t want to have to wait 5 to 10 years to get out. And since we’re going to have a lot less money when he retires, then we don’t lose hundreds or even thousands of dollars when things break like water tanks, air conditioners, and stuff like that if we rent. Lastly, we’re going to eventually get too old to keep up on things ourselves. So would owning really be a wise idea? I’m not so sure about that anymore. As long as we don’t live with our landlord, then we shouldn’t be pestered by them. The only time management can get kind of pesky is if it’s an apartment complex. But if we don’t live on-site, we should be okay. When we rented the duplex and then the house in Oregon, the management company never came to the house. They only sent the owner out to the second house when we called the office when the refrigerator crapped out.

Anyway, I want to work on my NaNo project, go for a walk, and do some cleaning, but I just don’t have the energy. I’m so tired of constant sleep issues holding me back! I’d rather be awake and bored shitless than too tired to do anything.

I’m lying in bed voice typing this entry on my phone but don’t know when I’ll get around to editing it on my laptop.

Yesterday we went to the park by our place real early but there was a guy with four huge dogs there, and while they probably wouldn’t have bothered us, I didn’t want to take a chance. So we went to Rusch Park, and wow. Playgrounds are nothing like what they were in the 60s and 70s! It was quite a park, all right. It had everything…swings, jungle gyms, a mini zip line, monkey bars, a skate park, a tennis court, a soccer (or was it a baseball?) field, and a pool.

I sat on one of the swings for a minute and it was a rather “powerful” swing. I guess the way it hung from a hinge instead of a typical hook was why it swung so easily.

I climbed on some of the jungle gyms and if it was scarily high to me, I’m surprised most kids wouldn’t find it a bit spooky, but Tom insisted it wasn’t that high and that kids would find it fun.

Took advantage of Cyber Monday and the Amazon credit we’ve accumulated and got an attachable bidet for the master toilet, but this one won’t have hot water because the pipes don’t run back there. The other toilet is by the sink so it would be possible to run out there but not the master toilet. Should still be okay, even in the winter. I just know I love them so much I don’t want this ass to ever be without one again, portable or not, cold or not.

I’m like a whole new woman down there! It’s almost like you’d never know I had such burning and itching for so long, so yeah, I was definitely over-treating myself. The bidet has helped tremendously as well because it keeps me fresh and clean and not even my groin area is irritated anymore and I don’t have “leaking” either. Maybe the leaking was just me not being able to get clean enough with just toilet paper. Not sure if my weight has anything to do with that or not, but I love how the bidet has made me feel so much better along with wearing all-cotton underwear. Real underwear and no g-strings, even though I still have a few g-strings I’ll wear from time to time because I’ll miss them. In some ways, those are more comfortable but then they’re also not.

Also ordered a pair of green eyes for the doll but it’s a nicer shade of green than my own eyes, and a combination eyeshadow/eyeliner stick to try.

A little later…

I’m a solar keyboard. Just like a solar keyboard needs light for energy, I stood in the kitchen window and let the early morning sun shine upon my face and it seemed to charge me up enough to clean one of the bathrooms.

I’ve been hot flashing more lately, which I seem to do more of when I’m tired. Would really love to stay up until five or six, but I don’t know that I can hold out that long.

I am both horrified and mystified by the country’s protest of ICE going after the illegals running rampant in this country, free to drive the crime rate up, cash in on freebies and hog our already burdened resources. Really, what the hell is wrong with people? Just what the hell is it I’m missing here because it seems to me we should be thrilled that ICE is about to clean up some of the country’s problems. Guess it’s a good thing rallies and marches never changed things and that those in power are going to do what they’re going to do anyway, whether we like it or not, cuz guess what? I don’t want our tax dollars paying for some criminal’s healthcare while we struggle to pay our own.

But God help the woman who should decide to terminate her own pregnancy, right? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I mean Tom pointed out that the abortion shit is about religion and that that’s always been about control, but I don’t understand why the hell everyone wants thousands of illegals to storm this country at our expense. That one has thus far flown completely over my head.

Because there’s fighting going on and their own countries? Well, why should that be our problem? If they can’t learn to grow up, get along, and stop fighting like it’s a sibling rivalry contest, why should we be expected to pick up the pieces?

Anyway, other than failing to understand my fellow humans, not much is going on at the moment. The weather has been nice and we’ve been in and out. Went to Sam’s yesterday and am going to a park early this morning and then to Walmart.

Ralph’s car hasn’t been hauled away, actually, but is sitting parked on the street on the trailer attached to the Oregon truck. I’m guessing it’s his son.

Hated that fucking car. It wasn’t nearly as loud as the mama’s boy’s and motorcycles, but it was loud enough. I was glad when he was no longer able to drive it. I just dread what may be moving in there eventually with loud vehicles being so common despite today’s technology. I don’t even know if I could do away with the earbuds even if the street was a hundred feet from the bedroom window.

A mix of good and bad with my health, but first, the Oregon trailer hauled the car away yesterday. The trailer is still there, though, so I don’t know what else needs to be done or how long they’ll be there.

For 4-5 hours last night, I felt a little on edge and was worried I’d be hit with a new round of anxiety, but wasn’t exactly anxious. Barely 6 hours into my sleep I woke up and had trouble falling back asleep. I was still tired, too. Amazingly, I was eventually able to nap for a couple of hours but it didn’t do me any good. I’m still tired and I’ve felt warm all night. Really thought I was over this shit with the sleep issues but apparently not.

Didn’t feel anxious tonight but my heart raced 4-5 hours.

We went out walking last night after midnight for about 15 minutes and never saw a single skunk so that much was good. Wanted to go bike riding today but not sure I have the energy. Don’t even know if I have the energy to go with him to Sam’s later on but I’m going to try.

Now my heart has settled down and I don’t quite feel as tired but I have this weird headache that Ibuprofen hasn’t managed to help with yet. It’s this throbbing pain in the space of a quarter by my right temple.

I don’t get for the life of me how one who’s anti-abortion can say that if God puts a life in one’s womb, it’s not up to us to extinguish it. So if their imaginary friend puts a tumor in someone’s body, should it not be up to them to extinguish it with chemo?

Well, you can relax with this reality check, people! Sex puts kids in wombs, not “God,” and shitty luck puts tumors in us as well.

Anyway, I had some vivid dreams while I was napping earlier. In one dream, Tom asked if I wanted something from McDonald’s while at this mall of some kind. I said sure because I was starving.

Then we took seats in these boots that had shelves that contained customers’ belongings. I stared in awe at all these shiny trinkets and Barbies on one of the shelves.

“Don’t stare too long,” Tom told me as I continued to check out all the colorful items.

I said something about Barbie’s measurements changing over the years and that they no longer use her old molds, and then there was this tiny creature (a mouse?) living on the shelves that poked its head out from behind something for a moment. We were surprised it didn’t try to escape and that it stayed obediently on the shelves.

I opened my laptop while we ate and blogged in Spanish.

Then I later went into a panic because someone stole this beautiful floral purse I had with a gold chain making up a part of its strap. Everybody hung their purses on these hooks, much like a coat rack, and when I went to retrieve mine, it was gone. This had happened before at a “community” purse rack but I thought that was a fluke and would never happen again.

Started to feel slightly on edge last night, but hopefully, it was only because I haven’t been trimming the pills as much and not because my experiment is about to prove to be a bust. Especially since they canceled my shrink appointment saying she wouldn’t be available that day and to call to reschedule.

No thanks. Not with the experiment still going well and with it taking ridiculously long to get into a shrink. Also, I wasn’t anything I could literally call anxious and I realize I’m not going to feel 100% perfect all the time, especially when I don’t sleep well.

When I got up, I trimmed my pill more toward the middle 3. The number 333 is on one side of the oblong pill. Lately, I’ve been trimming down to the outer 3, bringing it closer to 60mcg rather than 50. Today I trimmed it down to the middle 3. I don’t know that there was a connection, though. I am, however, getting really close to the critical point and if things are going to fall apart, that could be anytime now. Definitely both nervous and excited with August approaching! If I can get there and continue to remain stable, that’s when the real excitement begins!

I didn’t sleep that much better, but I slept longer which helped make up for any disturbances, so I feel better today as well as more rested. A thunk of some kind woke me up early in my sleep and then it was just because.

The flipper, relative, or whoever it is, is still working on Ralph’s place. When I got up shortly after 7, I heard scattered bumps and bangs. Maybe they’re the ones that woke me up if it wasn’t someone hitting the speed bump. The thing is they’re staying there overnight. They were just packing it in at around 7:30 and I could see that instead of the pieces of wood that were on the trailer, there were now a couple of trash bins and one in the carport. I hope to hell they don’t replace windows and I hope to hell even more they don’t do the roof! I hear enough shit around here!

Tom was laughing at my insistence that men who hate women are usually closet-case gays who can’t deal with their sexuality. He just doesn’t see the connection. Well, if you don’t like the opposite sex, that leaves only one other gender…your own.

Then again, who we’re attracted to has nothing to do with what we think of them as people. Being gay or lesbian is about being attracted to the same sex, not about how they treat us, otherwise most women would be lesbian for sure with all the shit men give them. I still think at least some of them are closet cases.

We also shared our different views on the fact that California is now giving free healthcare to illegals. When I read that, it really pissed the shit out of me and it still does. I’m tired of illegals and foreigners coming first. No wonder this country is so in debt. Giving freebies to criminals while honest, hardworking people who are from here have to pay thousands for their own healthcare needs definitely doesn’t sit well with me.

Tom says they’re doing it to save money in the end by giving them preventive care so they don’t have to go to the ER and cost a lot more money since no one is ever turned away from the ER no matter who you are or where you’re from.

I see his point but I still don’t agree with it. All that so-called preventive care eventually adds up and it’s our tax dollars that have to pay for it. I say deport, deport, deport! Treat them in the ER if you must and tell them to follow up in their own damn country or come back legally. Instead, for reasons I don’t understand, most of this country seems hell-bent on welcoming and protecting illegals.

I hate how people can pay to find my email addresses and what accounts I’ve signed up for, no matter how innocent those accounts may be. That is simply no one’s business at all. Why would you care anyway? Why would you want to find out what accounts a friend or someone has?

Speaking of friends, I accept that this is just the way Kim is, but it’s part of why I prefer to avoid the mentally ill, overly emotional/sensitive, and not quite stable in the future. I know that the so-called “normal” people can be a problem as well. After all, Nane turned out to be the judgemental bitch from hell, but those with loose screws are harder to deal with overall and more likely to turn on you if they think you’ve given them a reason to. I know some people are drawn to people like this but damn do they really make my head spin at times, LOL.

After Kim announced on Twitter that Rip Torn had passed and expressed in her journal that she found him funny and a talented actor, she asked me about him in a text message. I told her I wasn’t a fan of his and haven’t been into celebrities since the '90s.

The copycat turns around and says she was never into his stuff and hasn’t followed celebrities since the 90s and early 2000s.

Really? Then why announce his death, praise him in your journal, and have a million fan accounts for a million different celebrities?

I can kind of understand the psychology behind those who strive to be the opposite of others, but I don’t get the copycatting. Does she think she’ll lose friends if she doesn’t agree with everything they say? With the opposite-doers, it’s all about rebelling. They get tired of feeling forced to conform to the norm so being different is their way of making a statement. One that says, see? I can be as different as I want!

I can see where someone that’s interested in someone may be tempted to pretend they like what they like and don’t like what they don’t like, but I’m not seeing why Kim feels she has to be that way. She does the same thing with Aly, but no matter how many times you try to explain that it’s okay to have some differences, it seems extremely important for her to be right in tune with you.

Twitter says they’re about to roll out some changes like account switching and night mode. First off, we already have night mode options, and I see nothing about things we could really use like editing tweets and choosing to make some private. They’re too all or nothing. I could use the account switcher, though, because Twitter is one of the few sites where I have more than one account. I have the one I share with Aly and Kim, one where I log when I get up, and the other is just for me for everything and anything. It’s sort of like a micro-journal. I was going to make it public and just not mention it to anyone since I didn’t see the point, but Aly would only find it, so I’ve protected my tweets. Besides, some tweets really are private anyway.

Yesterday was the worst day of my life 5 years ago. Today we’ve been here 6 years. 5 more to go!

The lazy kid that lives here that Joy refuses to do anything about has come and gone three times in just two hours if even that.

Tired again today because again I slept shitty. Just kept waking up every hour or so. I don’t know if I can, because I’m tired, but I’m going to try to stay up as late as I can to push myself back onto days faster. The faster I get on days, the better I sleep.

Can’t figure out what’s going on at Ralph’s place. For a day or so there’s been a truck parked there with Oregon plates and a little trailer full of wood. I guess they’re replacing parts of the walls or floors since most of these places are getting old but it doesn’t say that it’s sold either. Maybe it’s a relative. If it was a flipper that bought the place, why would they stay there overnight and why wouldn’t the place say it was sold?

I just hope whoever buys it doesn’t have a loud vehicle! That fucking slacker punk is so loud I could feel the vibration beneath my feet in the bathroom when the damn cock went by. My God, when will its enabling parents push it out and make it get a life? They can’t be around for it forever.

Tom stopped at Whole Foods on his way home and got $10 to spend on Amazon Prime for doing so since they bought it, but the store is horribly expensive. He did say that there was this really cool-looking buffet in the middle of it so we’re both going to check that out sometime. I love buffets and it’s been a while since I’ve been to one.

Changed the name of my current book to Dumping Davina and lowered my word count goal to 15K because it’s probably going to be a short story. Like one I’ll sell for $0.99.

Because I’m tired today I’m probably going to take the day off. Since lowering my word count goal, it takes some of the pressure off, even though I should still hit 20K before the end of the month. I just didn’t sleep well. Nothing woke me up. I just kept waking up a lot as I normally do when sleeping during the day.

The Wrong Sister has also been published. Maybe I’ll design some more covers tonight.

Why must being tired make me hungry? I don’t understand the connection. Tom is going to stop at Whole Foods on the way home tomorrow because he wants to try it out. I like to change up my smoothie and meal ingredients each week. All my fruit went to hell at the same time so I can’t wait until the weekend anyway. First-time shoppers get $10 to spend on Amazon.

Things have been feeling so much better down there since using the bidet regularly and not treating it as much. I don’t even use the Tacrolimus anymore. Just a dab of hydrocortisone every few days. Don’t know how long it will last but I’ll be enjoying it while it does!

While I would love to have a woman president for once and for all, I’m not sure about Kamala Harris because of the way she’s always talking about getting extra privileges and first dibs on things for her own kind, just as I suspected she would. I don’t want someone that’s going to favor their own and not serve everybody equally. I’ll still take her over Trump any day. Hopefully, women will respect themselves enough not to vote for him. Anyone who mistreats women should never be forgiven, made excuses for, or made amends with. It’s not okay for them to abuse women and it never will be.

Aly went from leaving me thinking she was dying in the hospital (does she actually want people to worry about her?) to blowing up my phone.

Facebook made my Nicole account as fake. Then again, I’m not sure what happened because everything was private there. I noticed the Account Switcher disappeared and when I tried to log into that account, they said they noticed suspicious activity on my account, asked me to insert a captcha and then provide a picture of myself. So was it hacked? Or did Facebook go through my private posts and not like what they saw?

I tried to see if I could look in on that account from my real account and I can’t, so they’ve got it locked. Decided not to bother doing anything about it. When the time comes and I know my days are numbered, I’ll create another account to post the story and message anyone who may still be around, and hopefully, Tom will do it if I can’t.

My only concern is that they might have fed me to the wolves just like Google once did, if it was about the story, but I’d guess not since I never sent anyone anything. The story was posted privately with the plan being that I would turn it public in the end. But I never got any notices about them selling me out to the pigs because they were subpoenaed for info or anything like that, but so what if they did? Just like last time, I know how to ignore anyone who thinks they can become my mommy and daddy and tell me what to do simply because of something I wrote… Especially when it was written in private and not shared with anyone. But yeah, someone hacked it or Facebook got a little nosy. I wasn’t about to give them my picture when I’m not Nicole Hammond and I can always create another account later on down the road.

Had a couple of dreams that might have been glimpses into other dimensions since they were plausible and not a series of crazy, senseless scenes.

In one dream, I didn’t know Tom, and Kim was still with Mark who she recently split from. For some reason, they both left their place while they were separated. Mark eventually went back to their place. Kim and I were talking about the situation and she decided not to return. I was glad to hear this because I was hoping she and I could get a place of our own together, knowing that she would be very easy to get along with given her easy-going personality.

In the other dream, we were living in a park in a manufactured home but it didn’t look anything like this. It was a 4-bedroom home that was set a little further back from the street and we weren’t on the corner either. The closest street was in front. We didn’t have anything running in back.

There were three bedrooms in front and one in back. The front part of the house had the master bedroom on one end, then the living room, then a couple of smaller bedrooms. I was in the master bedroom by the neighbor’s driveway, Tom was in back. I thought about sleeping in one of the inner bedrooms that were two walls away from the neighbors on the other side to see if it would be quieter.

After thinking about it, I decided that today is the day I’m going to say fuck it and go public. So what if any present or future neighbors find and read my blog/journal? So what if any present or future doctors read it? So what if any prospective park management or realtor reads it? It’s not like I’m sharing some top-secret information that could be used against anyone in the wrong way. :) I just won’t share the link to it publically on other sites. Gonna shut down Hula Dancer, too.

This way I not only have a place to share links to our books and apps, but I can make it easier on myself by sharing from one place instead of multiple places. Copying and pasting to half a dozen blogs, both private and not, and then having to go around and make any edits I later choose to make, gets to be a bit much at times. So I’m going to drop Blogger once again and do my public sharing on Prosebox.

And now some good news and that’s that Kobo published the first book I ever got published on Amazon!!! They even gave me an ISBN number and everything and the publication process was way easier than on Amazon. I totally believe without a doubt that Amazon wasn’t paying me for all my sales, especially since I’m far from the only one who has complained about that. Paul said to let him know how it goes on Kobo because he makes five times as much on Smashwords as he does on Amazon. Yeah, that’s because they’re not paying him fairly.

I might also branch out to other publishers as well like Smashwords and Lulu. I was on Smashwords a long time ago but then I pulled the book I had there off because we no longer had that bank account and I had other things going on at the time, so I wasn’t really focused much on that.

Had to resubmit my cover because I screwed up the design. With Amazon you would upload your cover and then on their site you would add text. With Kobo you need to design your images beforehand. So I’m picking images from free image sites and then overlaying the titles and my name and things like that before uploading them to the site.

The Wrong Sister will definitely be next. Those that have read this book tell me it’s my best yet so I’ll share the link once it’s available in their stores.

Got woken up once when the bud slipped and something loud zoomed by. Just 5 more years of having to jam things in my ear when I sleep, though, right?

Finally got a hold of someone and made an appointment to see Amy for a follow-up on August 14th. If all continues to go well, I’ll cancel the shrink for August 29th.

Got another precancerous spot on my chest most likely thanks to the bitch making me spend my summer days on the beach as a kid till she gave me up. Probably didn’t know this would happen, though. The woman wasn’t very bright and I don’t know if they understood the effects of sun exposure back in the '60s and '70s.

The woman I thought was Kristy that Carolyn was pictured with that I asked about and didn’t receive an answer on wasn’t Kristy after all because she was tagged in other pictures by a different name.

Just for the hell of it, even though LG doesn’t let its users block numbers for some crazy reason, I tried the two numbers I found on ZabaSearch for Johnson but they were out of service.

Went to Goodwill earlier and found a couple of cute little fairies, but then accidentally dropped one, breaking off its arm so I didn’t get anything.

On the way back we stopped at a park near where we live that’s just past the golf course. I’ve been trying to think of places to go when I want to get out that don’t cost money and that wouldn’t have any tempting food we shouldn’t be having. So I thought, why not go to the park and enjoy the fresh air and swings? One is never too old for that, are they? But I don’t want to go play on the swings and slides with a bunch of screaming brats so we decided to go real early some morning, like maybe next weekend.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that Bob was in construction because until they get too old to really have a steady hand like he’s gotten to be, they make shitty neighbors. They’re always working on some loud, annoying project and always outdoors tinkering with things. Jesse was in construction and he was that way and then there was that contractor down the street who moved a few years ago. If you want to listen to power saws and hammering and other things, then a present or former contractor is a great one to have for a neighbor.

I was thinking about a dream I had in 1995 of my maternal grandmother telling me to pick new dreams and goals when I was all upset about not being able to have the kid I thought I wanted. Ever since then, I’ve wondered about the dream and if it could have been her reaching out to me from the other side. I don’t know, but there was just something about it. I just don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the way she said what she said. This was just days after she’d been dead for 9 years.

I don’t know if it meant anything or not, but if it was her, then it proves there’s no hell. If a woman could abuse her two kids into becoming abusers themselves and not make it to hell, then I’d say Tom and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. It would also show that our dead loved ones know everything that’s going on with us. Not sure I care about that one, but I definitely wouldn’t mind knowing there was no hell even though I would prefer to know there was absolutely nothing instead. I don’t want to be in any kind of afterlife. I want to just be dead when my body is clinically dead.

Last night I had a dream I was comforting a 48-year-old woman who started to suffer the effects of perimenopause. I’m so glad mine has gotten better! The hot flashes are tapering off and instead of having them throughout my entire day, they’re coming at the end of my day.

Figured out how to deal with my end-of-the-day boredom. I’m gonna fill in the time walking. I’m going to walk an hour earlier in the day just in case I don’t get so bored later on. But since I usually do during my last 2-3 hours, I’ll walk and do puzzles and watch shows at that time.

After pulling my ebooks off Amazon’s shelf when I, along with other authors, was being ripped off by “faulty” devices, I decided to submit a manuscript to Kobo. So we’ll see what happens! It’s the weekend, so I don’t know if they’ll have any readers around to go through it.

Very saddened to learn my bestie is back in the hospital again with another infection, cramps, bleeding, etc. Guess they’re trying to treat it with steroids. Never heard of infections being treated with steroids before. Really sucks that she’d just gotten out of medical debt and that she has to continue to suffer. Like Tom, she rarely swears, so when she said she fucking hates this, I knew it was pretty bad. Meanwhile, certain people go on with their perfect health and I know I should just shut up and be happy for them but it’s hard not to want to scream and shout, “No fair!” Kim and her perfect little 300-pound life whose worst problem is getting caught doing things she’s not supposed to do.

Looked in on Molly and was surprised she hadn’t tweeted in a few days. I know her birthday was on the 1st and she mentioned her mother being sick which I have absolutely no sympathy for whatsoever. She’s usually pretty consistent so my guess is that she changed accounts yet again.

Christine asked where my blog was these days and said she missed it. Decided to keep PB FO and reopen Blogger. Anything private I’ll share with Tammy on Facebook. I’ll keep it mostly generic and mundane in case any doctors or neighbors or anything like that stumbles upon it.

Maybe it was a waste of time, but I decided to say hello to Palma last night who is now a vascular ultrasound student. She really does like a variety of careers! She picked up my message but hasn’t replied.

Decided to run Johnson through ZabaSearch and was surprised to get hits in both Tempe and Phoenix with her first initial on one said to be 54 years old. I have a feeling it’s her, too. But she’s only a year older? I would have thought she was three or four years older. There are numbers listed as well. Thought about calling, but what would I say? “Hey, Johnson, remember me? Do you still flirt with female inmates? Are you even still a jail cop?”

With a last name that common, I doubt I’ll find out her first name, and even if I did, it would still be way too common. Sometimes I wish I had a common name as well and that I was a Mary Smith or a Kathy Jones.

So far, it looks like I definitely was over-treating myself because I’ve been feeling better these last few days. Had a little burning yesterday but an Ibuprofen took care of that. It definitely helps to use the bidet every time I go as well. I can see why people like them no matter what. It really does keep you feeling fresher and cleaner. We’re thinking of getting bidets for both toilets. If we really like them we’ll get one with a dryer in the next place.

The new boyshorts are comfy with one small exception. The seam on the left hip digs into my flesh a little.

I usually get wings or legs when I get chicken but last time around I got thighs and checked out some videos on different ways of seasoning them. I’m going to make one up later on with minced onions and garlic powder. Made one with paprika last night and it was okay.

Had a dream I was doing jury duty although I don’t know what the case was for. Some guy who worked for the courts was scraping what looked like caked-on dirt off of a footstool or something like that because it was supposedly evidence.

When I look down at myself and realized I was in a sports bra and a pair of shorts, I not only didn’t think that was appropriate for court but I wanted to change in case I was interviewed on TV. It turns out I was in luck because I brought my clothes with me, LOL, so I picked out a simple tank dress.

In real life, I never do jury duty. I tell them I have no faith in the system and it’s true, too. When your freeloading neighbors use their detective friend to lie, trick, deceive and manipulate you in every way possible and then falsify evidence that turns your life upside down before you’re vindicated with NO compensation and Mr. Piggy is given the boot, what do you expect? Lots of love and trust? Hardly!

It isn’t just what happened to me personally. My case was far from unique. People get beaten up and railroaded by the pigs all the time. I don’t think most people realize that more often than not, they’re not our friends. Sure, there are some that truly want to protect and serve but most are in it for the power play aspect of it. I once read that most people who get into law enforcement have anger issues and they choose that field so they can act out their aggression. Makes them feel big and in control and all that shit.

Derm’s office left a message saying Amy wants to do a follow-up in 4-6 weeks. Why didn’t she tell me that when we talked a couple of days ago?

Don’t know if a follow-up would do me any good. This is either going to go away on its own or it’s not. If it’s not, I don’t see what else they can do for it that they haven’t already tried. So rather than call them back today, I’m going to take a few days to think about it and weigh the pros and cons in my mind. If Tom didn’t have to take any time off to bring me there and it was free, then sure, why not? After all, I went to them for help so I should probably follow through.

On the flip side, he does have to take time off and it does cost money, and I think I’m out of options regardless of what it is. As she said, they can’t be a hundred percent sure.

Also, part of cutting down the appointments is to stop making them in the first place. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is by inaction. This is something that doesn’t always let me ignore it, but sometimes, not doing anything is better than trying to continually try to figure out how to fix something. I’d only have some other problem if it wasn’t this and that could be worse. If this does go away, I’m sure I’ll be replaced with some new long-term problem at some point. You know it always seems to be one thing or another and it’s always long-term. It’s never for just a few weeks or months.

For now, I’m taking her advice by changing undies throughout the day but every few hours is a bit extreme, so I decided 3 times is enough. After my shower at the beginning of my day, in the middle of my day, and before bed. I was having Alexa remind me 4 hours after taking my Levothyroxine to take my vitamins. Bumped that up to 8 hours so it falls in the middle of my day and that’s when I’ll change undies. This way I can do two things at once and will be less likely to forget.

Had mild burning at the end of yesterday and a little today, too. Using the bidet every time I pee instead of just once or twice a day. Tom’s guess is that after a couple of weeks without over-treating it, it will improve and eventually go away on its own. I hope so but my only concern is how long it’s been going on. Remember, I also have a little on my armpits. One pit doesn’t have any but the other has maybe one or two little red spots of irritation.

I racked my brain trying to think of all the different things that could be irritating me and another possibility, even though it doesn’t seem likely, is my shampoo. So now I’m making a point of leaning back when I rinse my hair and squeezing my legs together. That way any soap that does hit my body is going to hit my backside.

Definitely hope the dream I had is a sign that yes, I found the off switch to my anxiety! I don’t know where I was living, but in the dream, I had gotten up not too long ago and realized I forgot to weigh in. I started to tell myself it didn’t matter because I was never going to lose weight anyway. But then I said to myself no, I’m going to weigh myself. I figured out how to stop my anxiety and now I’m going to figure out how to lose weight.

In reality, there’s nothing to “figure out,” though. I’d have to have 1000 calories a day indefinitely to maybe lose weight and I can’t live that way. That’s just not enough food.

In another dream, Aly and I were somewhere outdoors lying on these couches that were facing each other, watching a large-screen TV. In order to forward past the commercials, you had to clap your hands or tap the ground. I was “clapping” through a commercial when Larry suddenly showed up and started tickling me playfully, making me laugh like a little kid.

Then there was some dream about trying to hold my schedule for a job and I was falling asleep, exhausted.

Lastly, I had a dream I was in a small room. I don’t know if it was a room in a building or a stand-alone place but it almost looked like a small studio apartment. There was a tiny kitchenette and a small room with a twin bed. The room’s only door was a slider and it was opened to allow in a beautiful breeze. I stepped outside which I knew to be the back of the place where a cat stood and gazed around me. I wasn’t in the city. I was somewhere in the midst of a countryside with lush rolling hills. The neighboring house was about 100 feet away if not slightly more.

Because the studio had no bathroom, I walked over to an outhouse that was about 30 feet away. I was disappointed to find that its wooden walls were gone and it now had these thin canvas-like curtains surrounding it.

I looked over at the neighboring property. My place was on the top of a hill. The land sloped down into a little valley and then rose again to where the neighbor’s place stood on top of their own hill. I saw a guy in his twenties to early thirties in a tux walking around the place. If he were a little further away I wouldn’t be able to tell he was wearing silver-rimmed glasses.

The land in back of the places also sloped downward and up onto other properties. I don’t know who was behind me but behind the neighboring property, I could see a house that was three or four hundred feet away.

Finally, I decided I wasn’t going to bother to pee because I didn’t think I had enough privacy with just the flimsy curtains billowing in the breeze.

Dear contest throwers: You have congratulated me on 5 complete strangers’ wins this week (as if I had anything to do with them winning) and spammed the shit outa me. So, I think it’s time to take a break from sweeping for a while.

I was surprised to get such good news from Amy yesterday that I was practically in tears of joy! I do NOT have LS!!! No cancer or fungus of any kind was found either. Instead, they think it’s some kind of contact irritation. She said they can’t be a hundred percent sure, but she’s going to have the path report mailed to me.

When I asked her if it was okay to use a dab of hydrocortisone every other day, she said absolutely and that would actually help it. Less is better, she also said. Tom thinks I might have really had LS or something but that the kickass steroid cream my GYN first gave me killed whatever it was and that because I wasn’t a hundred percent better right away, I’ve been over-treating it ever since which is prolonging the irritation. I hope they’re both right and that this too shall pass!

For now, she’s recommended I wear all-cotton undies only and that I change them a few times a day, so even though I already have about 8 pairs, I jumped on Amazon and got a 12-pack of boyshorts. No more thongs for a while, especially ones that are satiny or made of nylon and other non-cotton materials.

I looked at my size 8 Fruit of the Looms which are not only too big on me but they’re 60% cotton and 40% polyester, so forget those. Size 7 fits me better, so I’m wearing the Fruit of the Loom boyshorts in that size, and I also have some by Hanes. I was never sure which one I liked better, so since I couldn’t make up my mind, I got both brands. The ones coming Friday are by Alyce.

She also recommended sticking with Free & Clear detergent and I ditched my feminine spray as well.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense is how long it’s been going on, which for the most part, has been ever since we came to this damn place. I swear it’s like this house has been nothing but a physical curse on me!

Wouldn’t it be too damn awesome if all in the same year I solved this problem, figured out the main triggers of my anxiety, and hit menopause? Sounds too good to be true!

I was surprised by a message from Christine yesterday as well. She said some former neighbor with a foot fetish had been stalking her and that’s why she hadn’t been on Facebook. She figured that staying away would drive the pervert away. Why she would go to such extremes is beyond me, though. Why not just block the person and go private? Why would you have to not use Facebook? That’s what I’d do anyway if I didn’t arrange to meet the person and tear them apart limb by limb.

Watched the parade with Bob and Virginia and finally learned what Bob did before he retired. I was surprised, too. I thought maybe he had been some kind of lawyer or something like that but he was in commercial construction.

Virginia raised 4 kids. Wow! Didn’t know they had that many. But that’s what women did back in her time. I am so, SO glad I wasn’t in my 20s in the 50s or 60s so I wouldn’t have to deal with being pressured to have any. Dealing with judgments and cutdowns for not driving due to my driving phobia and not working outside of the house due to a sleep disorder that’s totally out of my control was enough, but I eventually stopped dealing with it. Really, I won’t put up with that kind of shit. The older I get, the less tolerant I become. As soon as I hear any cracks about who or how I am, I’m gone! Yeah, nothing like accepting yourself as you are even if you don’t always like it while the rest of the world just can’t deal with it, LOL.

I should be up tonight for the fireworks at the lake. I’m not going to go down to the lake but I should be able to see some of them from outside.

After the parade, we ran out to Rite Aid where I got some shiny dangly earrings for the doll as well as a better set of toenails for her because they’re very sticky, don’t need to be glued on, and are a better size.

We also got some treats and I got a jar of polish remover.

This cock not sleeping here while living here really gets to me at times. The little punk was in for an hour in the early afternoon and then came back from five to nine. Again, who the hell needs to see their parents every single fucking day? It’s like they want to annoy the neighborhood.

The urge to send an anonymous email to the office is there at times but I not only know it wouldn’t do me any good other than to vent but now I’m afraid to. if they figure out who I am, if they haven’t already, they’ll only spite us for it. Once again, just got to suck it up.

Kim found Hula Dancer. Damn! My last entry wasn’t even on the front page when she hit it so I don’t know how the hell she found it unless she was browsing through the pages of entries. There really is no hiding in public but Kim is dumb. So hopefully she didn’t put two-and-two together because then she may alert Aly to that account. I still don’t know that Aly isn’t having her search for me, copy and paste things for her, or somehow hacking into me.

Read an article about Ask users being redirected to scams and something about users being open to hackers. That may explain how Aly knew I asked certain questions she couldn’t otherwise know. There’s being smart and then there’s being smart. Aly always seems to know too much and I would be willing to bet that she knows a hell of a lot more about me, past and present, than I even realize. I don’t know how one can successfully hack that many accounts or possibly even my entire computer without Norton catching on or any other kind of alert built into certain sites like Facebook being triggered, but she’s got to be hacking some things because I just don’t see how else she could know so much.

I saw on Ask’s Twitter account that people are still complaining about the redirects. I still say Ask is deliberately redirecting people to cut down its users. Their servers are probably overwhelmed or something like that but they obviously have no intentions of fixing things if the last complaint was only days ago. I’ll stick to Curious Cat, dead or not.

I’m not going to ditch Hula Dancer but I’m going to make sure I definitely don’t mention Aly and Kim or use real names.

I would really love to be able to read Aly and Kim’s messages to each other. I’ll bet that would be quite enlightening and interesting!

Aly got home yesterday but all she did was sleep, she just told me. I’ll bet! She’s been in a lot of pain but says it’s getting a little easier. Meanwhile, 300lb Kim goes on with her perfectly healthy life.

I blocked every account of Kim and Aly’s that I know of from Hula Dancer, even though I know they can turn around and create new ones. I’m curious to see if Kim keeps returning.

My NaNo project is coming along well so far. I just wish I would stop getting this end-of-the-day boredom I often get. I have been struggling for the longest time to think of something other than the things I usually do every day to fill those final hours of my day when I find myself bored. It’s just that I’m 53 and not 8. I don’t find things new and exciting because I simply don’t see through the eyes of a child as I sometimes wish I did. If there’s anything I miss about being a kid, besides believing the adults knew it all, it was that I could really make things seem real. Playing pretend was so believable in ways that are just so silly and even kind of embarrassing at this age.

I have been looking for games that are similar to Sims that simulate real life but that aren’t so complex and damn near impossible to figure out. I just don’t know what else I can do but randomly wander around YouTube. I don’t want to join other chat or social sites. I don’t want to flirt with anyone. I don’t want to play games against others. I don’t know what I want to do. I just know there’s only so much writing I can do and so many puzzles I can do and things like that. If I do something too often, it will get boring.

Anyway, I’m now at the halfway point of the medication experiment. It’s still too soon to say anything for sure either way, and we may never know all the factors that caused my anxiety. I’m still going with perimenopause, medication brands and doses. Right now it’s looking good but it’s still too soon to know anything for sure. If I can get to August without anxiety, then the door to the mystery of what caused at least some of the anxiety will then be open a crack. It will be halfway open if I can make it to September and wide open if I can make it to October. Only then can I assume that yes, brands and dosages probably did have something to do with it.

While some claims of racism are totally true and honest, I still believe the vast majority of them these days are either intentionally made up or seen in places where it simply doesn’t exist. I think society has become so brainwashed and so obsessed with focusing on the damn subject that they’ve become paranoid to the point that they’re reading things in that aren’t there. I’m still so fucking sick of hearing about it!!! When oh when can we obsess about something else for a change? Hell, obsessing about cockroaches would be a breath of fresh air!

Bastard just came in. His schedule is still unpredictable. All I know is that no one should need to see their parents every day, especially one that young. Shouldn’t he be working during the week and enjoying his youth on weekends at clubs, with friends, or at least a fuck buddy if not a GF?

Starting to wonder if they’re having him come in multiple times a day to spite the neighborhood since they know damn well that at least two of us have complained. Two households, I mean. So many people are like that, though. You complain about them doing something and they do it even more. Again, I could really kick myself for bothering to complain. People simply expect to do what they want to do no matter what and I should have learned to accept this years ago. There’s always going to be shit going on in the world we don’t like and that we can never change no matter what we try to do about it. We can’t simply complain away life’s annoyances and the world’s problems. Just got to suck it up. We won’t be here forever. Of course, we’ll just be listening to someone else wherever we go, but that’s just life.

The little shit came in at 3:30 yesterday afternoon and left two hours later. I knew two hours with its mommy and daddy would never be enough for it, and sure enough, I’m pretty sure I heard it come back in as I was settling into bed. The question is how it left without waking me up since I didn’t use the bud.

Aly had the fibroids removed and spent the night in the hospital. Found a message when I got up saying she had a horrible night with lots of pain and bleeding and wasn’t sure if she would be discharged today. Haven’t heard anything since then, so I don’t know what’s going on with her.

Sent Alyssa another message yesterday with my life story. I’m still in my childhood. Even if she never reads them, I still do like to write so it’s a fun way to fill in those moments of boredom I sometimes get. Maybe in 10-20 years, I’ll be surprised with an actual reply but I certainly won’t count on it.

Chapter 2 of my book Gone (I still don’t know if I like that title) is now over 2K words. I changed some character names earlier.

Tom doesn’t think Ralph’s place will go to a flipper because they’re asking $130,000 for it.

Got the silicone pot and dish scrubbers and they work great! I use them mostly for pots. Love all the different colors as well… Pink, purple, yellow, blue, orange, green and red. Wish I had these in the trailer! Love how they can be washed in the dishwasher too, and how they won’t get smelly the way sponges and washcloths do.

I’m still waiting on a call back from my dermatologist’s office. How long can it possibly take to analyze a piece of pussy?

It’s CampNaNoWriMo day! But first, I’ll update this journal.

Yesterday morning we went to Walmart which was a pain in the ass as usual. Music was blasting, the place got crowded fast, and no one would give us service when requesting vodka. They keep their hard liquors locked up, but pressing the button for help didn’t do us any good and neither did actually going and getting anyone, so I put the OJ back that I was going to make caramel screwdrivers with and grabbed a 1.5-liter bottle of Barefoot Merlot instead.

It was shortly after this that I learned that unopened wine only lasts 3 to 5 days in the fridge. Therefore, since I only have one drink a day, I’m going to cook with some of it and make a Merlot burger.

Did a small online order and if they don’t have the caramel vodka, I’ll go to a liquor store. Had to get some fungal cream anyway, which we couldn’t find in the store. So hopefully I’ll have those things at the end of the day, plus a few TV dinners for variety that I really shouldn’t have. I put back the few pounds I lost after binging for a few days but I know I can lose that much, so I’m not worried about it. I’ll lose it during the week.

We were going to change the privacy window cling in the laundry room from prisms to what looks like a stained-glass window with blue flowers, but I ordered the wrong size. Maybe I’ll find a use for it elsewhere.

I’m back to using the fleece liners for the pigs because the other stuff really didn’t absorb odors well at all. I’m still glad I found it because I can use it for the rats.

Entered about 100 sweeps that expired at the end of last month. No win dreams. I’m probably going to hang it up for a while because they simply take it as an invitation to spam people and I hate getting other people’s win notices, so I’ll be going around and unsubscribing from everything if I don’t get a win notice this week.

In about an hour or so, I’ll call to see if my biopsy results are in, but again, I’m not expecting to hear anything I want to hear. I’m not going to hear, “Hey guess what? It’s not LS! And it’s simple to cure.”

No, I’m going to be confirmed that it is LS and there’s nothing I can do about it that I haven’t already tried. It’s just something I’m going to have to suffer with on and off for the rest of my life.