Today’s the day I officially give up on my health. Oh, I’m still going to take the vitamins even though they’re not doing me any good and I’m still going to work at getting my TSH back under 10 but I’m through trying to battle everything else. I’m just not meant to be healthy and I have to accept it and make the best of the rest of my life. It’s not like I’m going to die anytime soon, of course, but I don’t see myself making it to my 70s. At least I don’t think I do. Not with so many things I can’t treat. I swear it’s like something wants me fat, tired, and undermedicated! But it is what it is. I’m prone to side effects and there isn’t much I can do about that. So I’ll live with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, possible pending diabetes, and low thyroid for the rest of my life. I can get my thyroid close enough to normal but the rest I’m just going to have to live with and hope for the best.

I have a very bad and strong feeling that when I eventually get a CPAP it’s not going to do anything for this fatigue. I’ve been keeping track of how many days I’ve had fatigue and there’s no change since starting the vitamins. I have it almost half of the month when I analyze it by the month. The Bing bot also said you likely wouldn’t notice an increase in energy levels unless you were severely low on B-12 and I wasn’t. I was just on the low end of normal. Even though the nurse asked him if he had fatigue, his numbers were similar yet he doesn’t have fatigue.

I tell myself it’s just age and remind myself that many older people bitch about lack of energy for a reason but then how can people work until they’re 65 or older? Something’s got to be causing it. Or a few somethings.

The thing is that I’m so fucking sick of doctors and treatment I either can’t get or can’t handle that I’m fed up and I’m not going to bother anymore. Jessie was telling me that she’s had to prove her migraine case to her insurance company for years and how it’s a business out to make money that only cares about that and not anyone’s health, and I’m aware of this but that’s just wrong. Totally all wrong. I’m not going to prove myself to these people something multiple doctors have already proven. That’s like having to defend myself for what I write in my own journal and that’s just plain old fucking bullshit. I’m not going to belittle myself, like I said, with fighting for things I shouldn’t have to fight for. It’s bad enough I can’t even get on disability because I don’t have enough work credits in my past. You also have to have worked recently in order to get disability, not just have enough credits.

There could be so many things causing this fatigue. Could be on the thyroid even though I had way more energy before I was diagnosed. I doubt it’s anything related to my heart, arteries, or cancer because I don’t have any other symptoms.

When I got up this morning my blood sugar was 119. That’s the highest I’ve ever known it to be even though it came down to 108 later in my day. I wonder if that or the high blood pressure I have regularly could be a factor in why my kidney function was down a bit before surgery. These things could cause fatigue too, but as far as I can tell I’m not actually diabetic any more than Tom is. We’re both just pre-diabetic. Whether or not we’ll ever cross that threshold and become diabetic, I don’t know. It wouldn’t surprise me if we did because we’re fat and it runs in our families. I think the most likely scenario is that I developed chronic fatigue.

It just frustrates me to have all these things I can’t treat and that I can’t lose weight which would help with these things but that I would be afraid to lose if I could because I fear how it would affect my thyroid medication. But yeah, I’m so fucking sick of going to doctors and I’m not going to run to one specialist after another trying to figure out why I’m so tired just to either find out I can’t get a hold of treatment for it or there is no treatment or there’s treatment that I can’t handle.

I even threw away my order for a mammogram. If I’ve got breast cancer, which I doubt even though it’s hereditary and also runs in the family, I don’t give a shit anymore. I just don’t want to know it. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I just don’t want to deal with anything unless I have absolutely no choice. But again, with the odds of getting it at just 12%, I’ll likely beat those odds. Or at least not get cancer for many years to come if I ever do get it.

For the millionth time, I’m wondering if this shit with my health is random or if something up there has been picking on me. If it is, of course it’s not going to have anything kill me. No, it’s too much fun torturing me instead. Really, if it doesn’t value my health then why should I? I know that sounds ridiculous and maybe even downright crazy but still. It isn’t so much that I don’t value it as much as that I’m tired of making a career out of trying to better it just to get nowhere. I just want to live until I no longer do. Until then, I realize that my life is going to have a series of pause buttons throughout its days and nights. My life is going to be limited just like someone who can’t walk well. I’m not going to have the energy to do as much as I used to so maybe it’s a good thing we don’t have much money. I’d hate to have money I was too tired to enjoy.

He mentioned us going out and walking together in the fall when the weather cools down and the humidity dissipates but nope, I won’t do it. You have to be consistent with something like that otherwise you don’t really reap any benefits. It’s like starting all over again each time I finally have enough energy to get out there again, so he’s on his own with that much. I can still hop on the glider and ride my virtual bike in VR most days because that’s an easy workout. I rarely get my HR into the triple digits that way. It’s a very fun and relaxing workout.

I really believe I’m never going to have energy again. I don’t know; it’s just one of those strong feelings I sense. Up until now, I would have told you that not needing glasses was what I miss most about my youth but now it’s definitely my old energy that I miss most.

I didn’t do as much as I would have liked today but it wasn’t as if I didn’t do anything at all. We did go down to the pool for a quick dip. The water was nice but surprisingly cool. Some of the storms we’ve had at night cooled the temperature. It was hot out at the time, though, in the 90s so we drove down.

There were a few other couples there but no kids. A bald woman was present and I couldn’t help but wonder…did she shave her head? Was that just natural for her? Or did she recently have chemo?

Later…

I’m making FaceApp magic with my selfies, and wow! I was having fun playing around with this with Mia and Greta. It made them a more realistic and prettier version of themselves. It’s awesome. You can pick a variety of hairstyles, smiles, adjust the age, add makeup, and more. I sent an enhanced pic of me to Andy and want to see his reaction. I haven’t mentioned the app to him yet. I don’t think I could lie indefinitely to him because he’s my friend. Others, I probably won’t say anything to. It’s a little weird how my eyes look more brown than green in the pic, but it still came out nicely. It’s a fun app to play around with. I just have to crop off the logo and suffer through some ads since I’m not a premium member.

Tom gave me a good idea for why Natasha would want to crash at Nane’s place for free. In turning reality into bullshit like I love to do, I can’t kill him off because I don’t want to risk jinxing anything bad to happen to him in real life so we were thinking maybe Natasha can be on the run for some crime she committed until enough time passes for things to cool down.

Later…

Tom suggested asking Galileo to do a full panel of blood work on me to see what my A1C is because that’s a much better indicator of whether or not you’re diabetic or close to it but I don’t want that lipid panel coming up and them hounding me to take treatment I can’t tolerate. It is what it is. Despite the fatigue, I’m a lot more active than I was in late 2021 when it was found to be a little high and that’s the biggest key to keeping out of the diabetic range along with smart eating. His has been inching up, which is why they’re going to test him again soon.

I’m feeling a little better today. Some days I have energy and other days I don’t. We’ve got a thunderstorm going on now which is always nice. Especially when I’m awake to enjoy the rain and thunder and not be woken up by it.

We’re going to be running out to Publix early in the evening when it’s a little less crowded.

Eight people died of flesh-eating bacteria in the Tampa area. This wasn’t in freshwater either. It’s a little scary to think it could have been us! I have a feeling that oceans aren’t going to be a safe place to swim in at some point while we’re still alive.

Anyway, even though I can’t get medication that might help me, the full-spectrum light is surprisingly helpful in slowing the roll. My schedule isn’t jumping as fast. This will make getting to the endo appointment easier, even though normal numbers without side effects is the same dream as keeping a schedule and treating my other issues without problems.

Shared another month on Facebook. I’m going backward, doing a month or two at a time. I’m at the end of last year.

Galileo confirmed that I have to see a sleep specialist for the addicting sleeping pills I don't even need or want before I can be given the proper treatment for what I've got and that's only if these so-called addicting worthless sleeping pills “fail.” They offered to refer me to a specialist but I said no thanks.

This is one more reminder that we really can trust our gut feelings. If we have a gut feeling telling us something is not meant to be, it usually isn't. 

Tom says he doesn't know why and he's not going to ask but the insurance company reimbursed us $500. He said that means we haven't hit the yearly cap if I need another procedure. No thanks! I'm tired of procedures and doctors and just the whole damn health thing.

Jessie and I were laughing over those chocolate “pussy poppers” I'm expecting. When I saw them, I laughed to myself and said, “Are they serious?” But yeah, they have suppositories for dryness in every flavor imaginable, LOL. So I figured why not smell like chocolate down there while lubing up?

I also got a bunch of small tubes of different scented hand creams. Avocado, rose, aloe vera, shea butter, coconut, chamomile, honey, lavender, cherry blossom, and the only one I don't like is orange.

Most of all, we’re excited for Tinkerbella! We found a bigger cage for her that’s 20” x 20”. It isn’t just that she's cramped in where she is but also that when she gets old she's not going to be able to climb the walls of this cage as easily. The new cage has shelves and ramps and should be easier to clean too, and is on wheels. The only negative is the gap between the tray and outer walls of the cage but Tom can take care of that easily enough. The wire spacing is good too. It's gray and black, so boring colors but our girl will love it! It will be a little taller than this cage. This one is 41” and the new one will be 45”.

I'm tired today even though I shouldn't be. I slept for 7 hours and got a good sleep score. I was up a little long, though, at 17 hours. I didn't wake up to pee but I did wake up for a second to the sound of a loud crash that I assumed was thunder. Tom said he didn't think it was thunder. He said it sounded like something crashed in front of the house but he went out and checked all around the house and didn't see anything. So I'm guessing Toni dropped something heavy.

I have a feeling that getting my energy back is another one of those things that just isn't meant to be no matter what I do. I don't think a CPAP or any kind of vitamin is going to do it. I think I'm just meant to be tired half of the time. I'm not going to have my old energy back and I'm never going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling anxious. It just isn't in my cards and I know I need to accept this. My normal is 6-9, not 1-4.

I am still horribly hypo and I don't think the dose increase or the vitamins are doing any good. I'm cold and starting to gain weight, too. I'm constantly hungry and have virtually no new hair growth since dyeing my hair. I used to look in the mirror and see gray roots and think I just dyed my hair! 

I just wonder how much worse it's going to get and what kind of hell I'm going to have to go through trying to get my TSH back under 10. I don't know if it's over 14 but it sure doesn't feel like it's under it.

Strange how I'm remembering my dreams less and less these days and what little I do remember usually isn't enough to put into words. I did, however, have a couple of interesting dreams. In one of them, Christiane and I went to visit Nane. It was late at night and Nane had already turned in. I was unable to sleep and I heard Christiane right outside my door rummaging around in a hall closet. I opened my door and asked if she was looking for an extra blanket. I told her I had one if she needed it and wanted to chat until we could fall asleep but she didn't seem in the mood for chatter. 

Then I had a dream my parents were alive and the house next to them was for sale. I was telling them that I really wanted to move in so I would be next to them not only for obvious reasons like if they needed help with anything but also because that way I would have control over who got their place after they were gone since we wanted to live somewhere permanently and never have to move again. 

Well, we're definitely never moving from here. Unless we ever need assisted living, this is it. We're just not going to have enough money for what I really want and I don't see the point in settling. There are only three minor negatives to this place, though. One, it's too small. Two, we're in a flight path. Three, it doesn't have a great view.

I sent Kim a 500-word letter and she replied with 4500 words. What is it with this girl's need to be so damn wordy? It's always the same old shit too. Her "journals" are all about Bob.

I'm so fucking pissed right now! You know that feeling I've always had saying I wasn't meant to keep a schedule and that if I was, I would have been able to keep one decades ago? Well, it was for a reason! I guess there really is no surprising one as intuitive/psychic as me because I knew there would be a problem. I just didn't know if the problem would be in getting the drug or getting the drug and finding it doesn't work. In this case, it's getting the drug. 

Apparently, my insurance company is misunderstanding and thinking I want something for insomnia and not N24 because I was told that you have to have tried and failed two different types of sleep aids for insomnia first. The problem is that these are controlled substances that they can't prescribe via telehealth. So I told Galileo I was looking for something to regulate my schedule that I would take daily, probably for the rest of my life. But at this point, we'll just forget it. I could only get the ramelteon, which they already filled, if we paid out of pocket and we don't have that kind of money.

I am the way I was meant to be, like it or not, happenstance or not. There's only so much control over our lives and bodies we have. I'm not gonna fight to change what can't be changed but just try to remember there is at least a little good to the times I'm on nights.

Not a good work week so far. I haven't even cut 20 pounds yet.

We're waiting on the groceries now. Tom is desperate for his treats, and I'm desperate for Red Lobster’s frozen fish filets. They were on sale, and I can't wait to try them. I just hope I don't feel like shit afterward.

I found an easier way to go through my old Facebook posts and am sharing a month here and there. I'm not sharing every single post with the public, but maybe about half of them.

I told Galileo I was getting frustrated with waiting for the medication, and they said they understood and would reach out to their support team to get a status update. 

I told Jessie I was worried they may deny me because it's not a matter of life and death like her Addison's medication is and she pointed out that she doesn't need Botox for migraines yet the insurance company pays $2500 every other month for it. Also, if they deny me, I can appeal. I still feel like I'm struggling for what isn’t meant to be, and I'm not sure I’m willing to fight for something that should come naturally. People just shouldn't have to “work” for a schedule any more than they should to reproduce and things like that.

Speaking of reproducing and the attack on women's reproductive freedom…as expected, the abortion pill will be heavily restricted soon enough. I'm guessing birth control will be next to be restricted. My God, ladies, how much more shit are you willing to take before you finally fight back?! And I don't mean shouting in the streets about it either. The problem is that while everyone's bitching about these extremists, no one's willing to actually do anything about them. I used to say that violence and breaking laws were never the right thing to do, but I don't know about that anymore. More than likely, though, society will simply wait, however many decades it may take, for things to swing the other way. Hopefully, they will, too.

Still, nothing as far as the receptor goes and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to get it. It's an expensive drug, and I'm sure the insurance company is no doubt going to fight it. Well, there's only so much I'm willing to fight for when it comes to the things that are supposed to be normal and a basic human birthright. Others are free to do what they want, but it's ridiculous to fight to have a baby as it's ridiculous to fight for a normal schedule. We can waste time struggling for what isn't meant to be or we can make the best of what is meant to be. There aren't even any guarantees that it will work if I do get it. So if worse comes to absolute worst, since I still get a feeling that if I was meant to be on a schedule I would have been on one decades ago, I can at least look forward to the alone time I get on nights (I like a mix of together and alone time) and the fact that I get 5 or 6 hours off from the planes. Might hear a few helicopters going to the hospital here and there, but that's about it between midnight and 6:00 AM.

Been thinking of going public on Facebook. I just think it would be really cool if society still existed 1000 years from now to be one of many examples of life in this era. I used to be paranoid about who saw my friends there but now I don't give a shit. If someone wants to bash me to any of my friends because they didn't like that I said spicy food sucks and the supposed friend dumps me for it, well, that pretty much tells me just how much of a friend they were to begin with, right?

I just wish there was an easier way to pull up old posts. There's a post archive, but it's pretty worthless. I don't understand why there isn't a simple way to pull up posts from a specific year.

How many times do I have to make myself sick before I get that I can’t eat the way I did when I used to have a gallbladder? We went to Publix and got some hot food. It was so good but the shrimp was fried, the pasta shells were very cheesy, and the pulled pork was greasy. I just can’t eat fried or fatty foods anymore. Fruits, veggies, and raw meats that I have to cook are what I need to focus on. The thing is that I do most of the time, but I crave variety and something different every now and then. Frying something with light olive oil in a skillet doesn’t hurt me, but I can’t have any deep-fried stuff.

After eating I not only became nauseous and had acid reflux, but I became extremely tired too. I ended up napping. So does this mean that the energy I thought the B-12 vitamins were giving me the last few days was just a coincidence or was that connected to the fried fatty foods as well? I’ll find out tomorrow when I return to healthy eating, as long as a storm doesn’t wake me up.

I might have to dump my story because I just can’t think of where to take it from here. I asked the bot for some ideas and it gave me a few good ones, but nothing that makes sense for this particular story.

Still waiting for the receptor. It’s almost like something has already put an obstacle before me as if to say, “No. It’s not meant to be! If you were meant to be on a schedule, you would have been on one years ago.”

I hope that’s just the pessimist in me being paranoid and nothing else. Either way, it still seems too good to be true. My body is going to try to fight it at first because not being on a schedule is normal for me. So I’m going to basically have to become abnormal to be normal. If it doesn’t help me to keep a schedule every day, it would be great if it helped when I had something critical coming up like an important appointment or we wanted to do something. I would hate to have Andy tell me he was coming down at such a time just to have to tell him there was a good chance I would have to sleep.

We ordered a thin crispy crust pizza from Domino’s yesterday, and we both felt like shit afterward. The pizza wasn’t all that good because the crust was actually too thin and my lack of gallbladder had me feeling a bit nauseous for a while. I really gotta stop the fast food. 

I was just thinking how similar this place is getting to NorCal and that it’s getting drier each summer with the summers getting warmer while the winters are getting cooler but the storms are back. We had a quick storm yesterday and it’s raining right now. No thunder yet. I’m sure that’s waiting until I meet with Helen later.

Got about 360 miles to go on my trip. If I waited just a little longer to create this ride, I could have gotten through Germany instead of only being allowed to pass through Hamburg. But now I would have about 600 miles left if I had. Once I get down to about 200 miles to go, I should be in Norway.

Made another Temu order. Got a couple of more carpet runners identical to this one for the bedroom. We'll eventually be getting an area rug from Amazon because they have better deals on the size we want.

Other things we're getting:

• A case to store my colored pencils that has a floral design on it with a pink background.

• Floral stickers for toilet seat covers.

• A wall hanging that consists of multi-colored flip-flops and shells that’s fitting with being in Florida.

• A metallic rainbow toe ring that will probably be too big for my tiny toes and will end up on my fingers.

• Painting stencils.

• A sticker you put on the base of your wall by the floor with a couple of mice appearing to peek out of a hole.

• An ultrasonic humidifier/aromatherapy diffuser that appears as if different color flames are shooting out of it.

Galileo’s sleep specialist has recommended ramelteon for the N24. Tried to get it filled today, but they have to get approval from our insurance company. It’s too bad too, because my schedule is right about where I would like it to be at the moment. You’re supposed to take it an hour before your desired bedtime.

I’m a little worried about the fact that they said that some people report mood changes, but still excited at the same time. It’s hard not getting my hopes up even though I know I shouldn’t.

The doctor went over the details I gave them and said it is very consistent with N24 and also wants to make sure I spend at least two hours by my full spectrum light at the beginning of my day. They said it could take six weeks to notice any progress. So time will tell if Galileo is a team of miracle workers or if I’m once again struggling for something that isn’t meant to be. It will cost us 30 bucks a month but would be totally worth it if it works. It would be a whopping $900 without insurance!

They’re going to announce the price of the Quest 3 at the end of September. Can’t wait! I really hope it’s a lot lighter and clearer.

When I got up, I said to myself “Something’s cursing my sleep and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.” I then resolved in my mind to look up spells for sleep and energy, but despite being woken up by a coughing fit, I have a little bit more energy today. Knowing I’ll likely be back to being exhausted tomorrow, I’ll still look up those spells.

The first part of my day yesterday was horrible. I was so damn tired and ended up napping. Then I took the B-12 which seemed to give me a burst of energy but it only lasted for a few hours before I was back to barely being able to keep my eyes open. Eventually, I perked up again.

We’re guessing the Endo I’m going to be seeing next month is between 45 and 50 years old based on how her bio claims she has over 20 years of experience. The problem is that older doctors tend to be more likely to be deniers. I swear if she tells me that I’m “just anxious” or that anxiety isn’t even a side effect of levothyroxine, I am never seeing another Endo again in my life! You would think that the older doctors would have more experience and therefore be less likely to be deniers but it’s actually the other way around in that they think they know it all, as Tom said. I think it’s more than that, though. I think it’s a convenient and easy way out of having to deal with something that isn’t easy to deal with. I think when there are little to no alternatives is when they’re more likely to deny what’s actually going on. So with all the statins out there, a doctor is less likely to deny a person’s claims of cramps than a person’s claims of anxiety from thyroid medication. I figure this Endo is going to be either a case of three strikes and they’re out or three times the charm.

I just hope I can understand her Indian accent and that she won’t ramble non-stop and make it damn near impossible for me to get a word in edgewise. The GI doc rambled non-stop in an accent I don’t remember him to have. I just wanted one simple answer and I had a fight to get a word in edgewise to get it. Instead, he went off on a tangent I could barely understand. Doctors need to shut up and listen to their patients more often. And will someone please make Americanizing their accents mandatory?! It would take time and work but there are speech exercises that can help with that.

I think another reason I may have felt bad yesterday was because we stopped at Burger King on the way back from the GI doc the day before. Funny because he warned me about fatty foods like greasy burgers, lol. Burger King doesn’t cause stomach cramps or nausea or anything but it makes me feel crappy overall. It tastes so good but really sucks the energy right out of me. So the older I get the more important it is to eat healthy.

Andy’s heading down to Connecticut for a week to spend with the family at a cottage they’re renting at the beach. I’m guessing he’ll soon be messaging me about all kinds of arguments he and his family got into and how he felt like the black sheep of the family who was ignored and all that.

Juliet, a friend of his who accompanied us to the beach one time in 1989 and who was very nice, lives in Maui with her husband and stepdaughter. They lost their house and everything to the wildfires. So sad. They are able to stay with relatives in Honolulu, though.

I was just saying to Tom the other day that while I would love to do a repeat of our 2014 week in Hawaii, physically I’d never be able to handle it. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. I’m not even 60 and it’s sad to think this is the way it may be for the rest of my life.

Ran out to Publix again earlier for fruits, veggies, and snacks. We go there once or twice a week to get what we don’t trust Walmart with. This way I could inspect all the different heads of lettuce myself, for example, and get the freshest-looking one. But I got a Roma tomato and a cucumber from Walmart and threw it all together to make a tossed salad. I add a little avocado ranch dressing and it’s great with dinner. Later I’m going to be making tilapia with rosemary potatoes.

I changed the rat’s cage and am making a point of relaxing this weekend. There isn’t much in the way of jobs over the weekend anyway. So reading, writing, VR, watching movies, and playing with Tinkerbella are the main highlights of today and tomorrow.

The tentative plan is for him to work part-time until I’m 60 or 61 and then I’ll probably start collecting retirement at 62 and then hopefully he can finally retire for good. Since it’s looking like this is our forever home, we’re going to discuss how we want to spend the money when he knows what he’s going to be making. I’m sure whatever we plan will end up not happening. Nothing we plan ever happens anyway. rolls eyes I’m almost tempted not to bother. Why get my hopes up for something that isn’t gonna happen? Whether we’re able to remodel anything or not, I really do think this is it. It’s not so bad, though, because I knew my dream home was just a dream anyway. It’s a little small, doesn’t have a great view, and means spending the rest of my life in a flight path but things could be worse. I think very few people ever have their ideal home. It’s great for what we can afford, though.

Later…

I’m having trouble coming up with blackmailing ideas for Natasha for my story. Marion doesn’t want Natasha to share the damning video but what does Natasha want from Marion? Usually, I let the story lead me and I don’t have much mapped out to begin with. I start with a basic idea and take it from there. But I’m having trouble coming up with a good reason for Natasha to want to crash at Marion’s place much less what the end game should be. Maybe the Bing bot can give me some ideas. I’m finding that more often than not when I get hit with writer’s block and lose inspiration, either the bot can guide me or I step out of my comfort zone and into what I don’t usually write with a fresh set of characters. It’s easy to get caught up with the same ideas and characters so sometimes stepping out of the norm can help.

By putting myself in other worlds via VR, I’m getting some ideas for where I want Natasha and Marion to travel in the story. Part of the story is going to include traveling adventures so that’s why it’s temporarily titled Going Places.

I can tell my TSH is dropping because I don’t feel quite as hypo. I’m not nearly as cold as I was before.

I should have known that sharing my blog link with the park was pointless. But why was it pointless? Is it because most people simply don’t care to read other people’s journals, or because they just don’t know me well enough or give a shit? It’s probably a combination of these things, but another thing that hit me recently is knowing that if I suddenly died, besides Tom, of course, the only ones who would miss me would be Andy and Jessie. Guess that’s what I get for being an introvert! I’m only sociable online. Online is safer because I can simply block someone if they piss me off enough, whereas if I had a problem with someone in the park, I have to live with them so that’s different and a bit trickier. I couldn’t just click them out of my existence. Online, a person is just one click from becoming just a memory.

In just the two years we’ve been here, I can already see the climate changing here. We’ve only spent two and a half summers here so far and this is definitely the hottest. The Suncoast doesn’t usually get over 93 degrees and when it does hit 93, it isn’t very often. But we’ve had several days of getting up to 94 and 95. This has also been the dryest summer. It’s almost like this place is trying to turn into NorCal. I wouldn’t be surprised if it got drier each year, and the summers got hotter while the winters got colder. I can’t imagine what it’s gonna be like at the end of my life!

Written yesterday:

Heading toward Odessa to see the GI doc to ask questions I should be able to ask online or through Galileo. So 4 to 6 hours of doctors and slow chargers.

Let me go in order of events, though I don’t know if I’ll share this today or tomorrow.

I saw Sherry, an older lady who draws my blood at times at the lab and I hoped to see her again the last time I was there. But I saw someone I’ve never seen before. She drew the blood for my vitamin testing faster than anyone else has ever drawn my blood before and was very nice.

Both my vitamins B-12 and D are low. Not crazy low, but low enough. 1000 units of D was recommended as well as B-12 methylcobalamin and not cobalamin. Cobalamin is a synthetic form while the other one is natural. Sort of like levothyroxine versus armour. Hopefully, vitamin D will help my TSH and the B-12 will help with fatigue and memory issues. Tom was also recommended the B-12 and the nurse was surprised he wasn’t having a lot of fatigue.

I sure am tired today. Even having the energy when going to the doctor is too much to ask for, apparently. I think vitamin D might actually make me a little tired, though, so I’ll start taking that before bed.

Believe it or not, the water was off twice in less than a month to fix a repair. I really hope this place isn’t going to end up like the old place!

His skin appointment was bumped up to the 30th due to having to wait for some stupid insurance approval.

Grabbed a few things from Publix yesterday.

Got these tiny little nets to fish debris out of the rat’s water bowl. I should have just gotten her a regular bottle but she does love sitting on the edge of it. It’s easier for her to drink that way too. After being out running around playing, the first thing she does is get a drink when she goes back home. She is such a “dog!” Always wanting attention and to play chase and fetch games. So damn cute.

Swapped messages with Christiane the other day. Yeah, the real-life Christiane of Germany. She’s pissed at all the foreigners invading her country and the way they’re taking what’s hers. Oh, I know what it’s like. Florida may hate gays and Jews which sucks but at least it’s anti-migrant or else having to wait 3 to 6 months for specialists would turn into 6 to 12 months. Still, I hate how they’re invading the US like crazy. They hog our resources and take jobs from those who are from here.

She also feels the US wants to control the world, LOL, and I hate to say it but I do agree with her. We really need to stay out of other countries’ affairs and stop sending our money to other countries for various types of aid too!

So sad about the fires on Maui! We were where they are, too. That huge ancient tree from India that burned…we walked right under it!

Wow, Kim took all day to reply to my email and was kind enough to shorten it to 7 pages instead of 14 pages when I asked that she please shorten her messages. She rambles on about the same old stuff and asks the same old questions.

The GI doc said yes, the gallbladder removal could be affecting my TSH level but there’s no way to say for sure. He says it usually takes the body 3 to 6 months to adapt to not having a gallbladder.

I'm not only fatigued but I'm starting to feel that “lump” at the base of the right side of my neck which I believe is my thyroid swelling as my TSH soars. The lump that my old doc tried to tell me was arthritis.

To say God helps those who help themselves is such a crock of shit. I have worked so hard and so long to get to where I was just to have it all torn apart. It's wild fluctuations like this that put me at risk of being anxious. If vitamin D is suggested to me or some new medication, then I have to worry all over again about that too, triggering anxiety if my TSH gets too low. First, though, I’m worried about how high it’s going to get. If I don’t get answers on Thursday, I’ll have to wait until September.

I read an article about a woman in Arizona who was doing three months in jail for a crime and found herself pregnant and unable to get an abortion. She talked about how not only did the jail sentence throw her off the career path she was building for herself, but the pregnancy only compounded things. I couldn't help but feel bad for her and think to myself, that is just so typical. That is just so, so life!

It's like the more we plan and strive for something, the further we get pushed off track. We can spend our lives dreaming or we can spend it living. Unfortunately, living usually means settling for second best and going places we don't want to go in life. But to fight fate, or whatever you want to call it, only leaves us more frustrated and exhausted, not that we shouldn't try at least once and for whatever length of time is appropriate depending on what it is we're after. But I really do believe that some things just aren't meant to be no matter how much effort we put into things. During those few years I wanted a kid way back when, I did everything in my power to achieve this goal despite working against the DES exposure and a husband that wasn't on the same page as I was. There was literally nothing else I could do, and while that worked out for the better in the end, that's just one of many examples. There were other things as well... My attempts to break into the music business with a voice that was good but not great and without being in the right place and having the right connections. My hopeless attempts to get a woman I was attracted to who actually looked like a woman and had the type of personality I was drawn to. Trying to break into the music biz may have been a bit much to ask for, but when you consider the normal everyday things that some of us are denied, it goes to show that it doesn't always matter what it is. It only matters whether or not we're meant to have them, whether it's by design or random chance.

This brings me to my discussion with Helen yesterday. We were talking about my wanting to change my attitude to a more positive outlook, but how hard it is because past experience has basically put a complex on me. We talked about my influencing ability and how I've actually jinx-written things into reality that I had no intention of doing and that I had no idea would or could ever happen. As I also pointed out, I have no control over it. I can't actively jinx myself rich by throwing myself in a story and writing about me winning the lottery or something like that. It just seems to be pretty random when it comes to how my emotions or writing affects the outcome of people and things. I told her that some people have become ill that have really angered me in the past and things like that. It's an ability I definitely didn't ask for. The dream premonitions I sometimes have are enough.

Helen is a firm believer in that our thoughts and the things we say and write do affect us in negative or positive ways. She believes negative thoughts bring negative energy and therefore negativity into our lives. Years ago, I would have laughed at this idea. But seeing myself jinx-write things does make me wonder. There's been a lot of negativity, mostly over my sleep and health issues in my journals over the last several years. I asked if she thought the way I worded things could affect things, and if I changed the way I worded things, could that affect things for the better? She believes they can. The problem is that I don't want to lie to myself. Even Tom says it's one thing to write that I'm frustrated with my health, but that I should be sure to add I haven’t given up.

but I have given up. I'm not going to kid myself. I know I meant to be tired and not very healthy. I just don't know why. Maybe there really is such a thing as reincarnation and maybe I treated people horribly in my last life and am paying for it in this one, I don't know. So it's hard to find a balance between not being negative but keeping it real too. I don't want to be unrealistically positive. I need to accept the things I can't change so I can work on what I can change. So it's not like I'm going to quit my meds and never go to doctors ever again. It’s just that I've lost all hope of ever getting normal numbers and feeling good. I lost that years ago, to be honest. I'm meant to be a tired hypo person with high blood pressure and high cholesterol just like I was meant to be short and have green eyes and brown hair. Well, before I went gray, of course.

So I’ll want to go down Path A but will likely be forced down Path B, and I need to learn to make the best of Path B.

So how are you fine folks doing today? Me, I feel like shit. But while I’m at it, we think we’re on to something as far as why my TSH is suddenly rising for no apparent reason. Seems connected to having my gallbladder removed. Fucking gallbastard! Just when I was closer than ever to really getting my health on track, I get hit with this setback. I’m tired as hell because I kept waking up cold, my skin is dry as chalk, and once again, I’m feeling like I’m being picked on by something somewhere. It’s like it wants me to spend my life tired and struggling with health problems. Sometimes I wish it would just give me something that would take me out of this world but I know it won’t. Gotta live to struggle, you know? That’s what it obviously wants. Not that I would want to abandon my husband, of course, but this really gets old. It really does. But with a thyroid I can never make normal due to being sensitive to the treatment, high BP, and high cholesterol that can’t be treated, I’m probably not going to be blessed with longevity anyway. Not exactly sure it would be a blessing, though. Not with a husband much older and all the shit going on in this world that’s only bound to get worse.

Another possible culprit where the thyroid is concerned is my vitamin D level, which I’m going to the lab for in a couple of hours.

Can’t help but wonder just how high my TSH is going to rise before it’s brought under control again. Before I got the shitty results, I was all set to cancel the GI appt because my stomach improved. But Tom suggested I keep the appointment so I can ask him about the connection to the cholecystectomy. I’m sure he’s had other patients with the same problem.

For now, the doctors and I agreed to step it up to only one 75 a week.

Got my lab results and I am more baffled than ever. I knew the results were going to be bad. I’ve been cold, calm, and fat. My skin has also been a little dry. But I thought my TSH might be a 10 or 11. Not back to a fucking 14!

I don’t understand. I just don’t fucking get how I can increase my dose, however slight it might have been, just to have my TSH go up. This has never happened before. But my T4 is down from 1.3 to 1.2 as it should be. So why did that respond accordingly but not my TSH? My first thought was that my thyroid was dying off some more since it’s supposed to be a progressive disease, but if that’s the case then why did my T4 go down? I just don’t understand what the fuck is wrong. Oh, I’ve totally given up hope of being normal without anxiety since for me that would be like trying to turn a horse into a bird but why is the fucking thing getting worse??

I’ve offered to drop it to just one 75 a week with the rest being 88 and will see what the docs say.

Something up there wants me to be hypo. I swear that’s exactly how I feel. Like it wants me to be hypo. Like it really, really wants me to be. If this isn’t me just being paranoid, then why? Just why?? Why is it so important that I be hypo??

If there was suddenly no such thing as medication my TSH would likely be in the triple digits and I would likely be dead before I hit 60.

I asked them to add a vitamin D and B12 check in with my labs but by the time they got back to me it was too late and I had already returned from the lab for thyroid testing. So I’m going to go back Monday morning. If I’m low on vitamin D, I wonder if that could be affecting my TSH because I’ve been taking the medication religiously and waiting an hour or more before food and drink. I’ve also been sure not to take any vitamins before 4 hours. So I don’t know what the hell is going on. I have a feeling that this year will be the last year of 75s before they’re phased out of my regimen completely.

Andy’s mother Judy turned 96 the other day and OMG! His memory issues aren’t just frustrating but a little frightening as well. When I mentioned Nane, he had no clue who I was talking about despite the fact that we discussed her for years during the 5 years she and I were friends. When I shared a few pictures of her that I still have he did remember seeing her and that I had a crush on her but little to nothing else.

It’s sad what all the years of being a pothead has done to his brain. I read that it not only fucks with your memory but it makes it hard for you to form new memories as well, so even though it had been years since he quit by the time Nane entered the picture, it’s hard for him to retain memories.

Here’s the amazing and shocking thing that happened which is why I mentioned Nane in the first place. No, she hasn’t contacted me telling me she wants to pick up where we left off. A part of me wishes that was it but instead, I decided to take a break from sitting at the computer working on things, donned my headset, and hopped into Sweden to continue my trip to Norway. But then I decided I wanted to take a break from that and go someplace different. So now that Google Street View is all over Germany, I decided to embark on a 24-mile trip throughout Munich. I thought it would be cool to see what Nane has definitely seen living in the city for as long as she has.

I last knew her to have a blue car since blue is her favorite color. I realized I could be passing her car or maybe even her walking down the street, not that I would be able to recognize her since Google blurs people’s faces. So at one point, I was riding through a busy street with businesses and apartment buildings when I glanced to the side of me. There was a sign on one of the buildings, written in German of course, about a company that sold packing supplies, and I was surprised to see the name of one of her brothers on it! I realize there’s more than one person with that name but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him.

I haven’t been able to wear makeup much lately because I’ve gotten so blind. Then it hit me that I only need to see out of one eye at a time. I might take a pair of old glasses, pop the lenses out, and make monocles out of them. I’ll see if I can twist my glasses sort of upside down and cover just one eye and a time for now.

Tom says he needs to get a different pair of shorts, LOL. Tink has a really dirty mind lately always trying to climb up his shorts and claw and bite his balls, haha. Gross but funny.

She really gets around. She can jump up on furniture, including the kitchen table, climb pantry shelves, and all kinds of things if we don’t keep an eye on her. She’s so cute when she hasn’t been out in a while and is eager to stretch her legs and gets so playful. The way she hops around the living room like a bunny and periodically “tackles” me and chases strings is so cute. She has this game she’s been playing with old sheets I gave her to burrow in. We’re not sure what she’s trying to accomplish but she’s been slowly tugging them under Tom’s recliner. It’s almost like she’s wrapping the base with them, LOL.

I absolutely adore how she lets me know when she wants to be picked up. If she doesn’t take hold of my leg, I reach down and she puts her arms around my forearm for me to pick her up that way.

Anyway, Tom shot some VR videos. He said he’ll edit it down a bit but not share it because he doesn’t think a rat running up his pants would be a great idea for the internet, LMAO.

I swear it’s getting drier every summer here. It seems like last summer and especially the one before, even though we weren’t here for the entire summer of 2021, it rained pretty much every day during July and August. But now we’re going days in between the rain. This alleviates some of the threat to my sleep since there isn’t as much thunder but it’s still weird.

I’m listening to the usual soundscape of planes and helicopters. It’s getting late, though, so hopefully they’ll drop off a bit. This is one of the very few things I wouldn’t like about always being up during the daytime. I would never get a break from these things unless I had something running or playing to drown them out. Got to work on the next chapter of my story. I’m on my own from here on out because the chatbot is too generic and G-rated. It just can’t always know exactly what I want. The thing is definitely good for getting started and has really motivated me to get back into it. I don’t know that I’ll ever spin off stories as I used to, though.

Tom saw his doctor today. They were so backed up that he was there for 2 hours. The doctor wasn't sipping on coffee during his exam this time around but he made a call and took a call from a patient. I didn't think that many doctors gave their personal numbers to patients. He wonders if he's got cancer because of the way he coughs. He did this the first time he saw him but he doesn't seem like a smoker. 

They recommended he take vitamin D and B12. B12 affects memory. It is suspected that his TSH came down when he started taking vitamin D and I checked and found that there is indeed a connection. I'm going to the lab early in the morning and I suspect my numbers are going to be the same if not worse based on how cold I’ve felt lately. Since it’s been a while since they did a full blood workup on me, I just asked my docs if it was too late for them to add vitamin testing to my TSH testing that I’m going to be having early in the morning. If not, I would like to get that tested soon. We have vitamin D in the house. I just keep forgetting to take it. Maybe B12 can help my memory. As long as I don’t take B-complex because that’s what fucked up my stomach. 

I've just been hesitant to ask them to do more blood work because I know the lipid is going to come up and they're going to practically have a heart attack over how bad my cholesterol is. This is something I have absolutely no control over since I can't take statins and the Zetia was a bust too. Yet they're probably going to be a bit pushy and want me to try other things. Yeah, I know. There's a slight chance I may not make it to 70. But you know what? Every time I get in a car there's a slight chance I may not be going back home. Life has its risks! 

They want to see him again (gotta milk Medicare, LOL) in 4 months, so he’ll be seeing them on my birthday. 

Had some weird dreams that didn't make much sense. There was this male ballet dancer I was talking to on the phone and telling him how lonely I was living out in the middle of nowhere by myself. I guess I didn't know Tom in this dream. 

Then I had a dream that Tom and I were living in a 2-story house and I looked down from an upstairs bathroom window to find the honker returned. He lived next to us in the dream. 

Then we were in another two-story house in the mainstream somewhere. The house next door was very close. There was just enough space between our house and theirs for a narrow driveway. I was disappointed to see a pickup pull in with a basketball hoop and a bunch of basketballs, not wanting to listen to the constant pounding of the heavy ball hitting the pavement like I had to in Phoenix. 

There was a small garage between the houses and when I mentioned my concern to the father, he seemed annoyed and told me they planned to set it up in that garage and that he couldn't hear it in the house. 

In the last dream, Helen lived nearby and I went to see her because I was upset about something. She was not happy about me showing up at her place. She even suggested I had hidden motives for being there. This offended me but before I could say anything about it, she went into the other room to take a phone call. I wanted to leave before she could return. However, it seemed I suddenly had a bunch of stuff with me. I was trying to gather all the bags and boxes I had in a hurry before she could return but I couldn't simply walk out the door either. I had to climb out of a window and up onto a ledge that led to the street.

The other day I noticed that Toni was allowing friend requests for the first time since finding her online. I requested to add her and she accepted.

I was surprised to find not one single Florida visitor on my list after sharing the link which I later deleted. Maybe I should have shared when the snowbirds were here. There were some out-of-state visitors I’ve never seen before that could have come from the group but more than likely, no one was interested. That’s just not most people’s thing.

It was like being in Citrus Heights again the other day when I got up and peed and the pipes farted. Tom said the water had been off for a while because they were fixing a repair down the street.

Decided I’m going to stick with the Replens after all. Seems to be doing a good job of keeping most of the burning at bay. Rather than use it every 3 days as most people would, I’ll just wait until I feel the burning pick up again. It’ll save money that way.

I finished chapter 7 of my book. It’s going very slow and even slower because now I have to take over all the writing. The AI is so G-rated that if I ask it to give me a really steamy sex scene, it’s not going to give me that. Same with if I want a gruesomely violent crime scene.

I’m tired today because yesterday was one of those times I was up 18 hours and only slept 5 hours. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high on the melatonin receptor since I can’t believe there’s a magic pill I could simply swallow to fix my schedule problems any more than I’ll ever believe I’m going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling like I’m going to die. Some things just aren’t meant to be. Whether or not they’re by design or chance, I don’t know. So I hope for the best but expect the worst.

If I could arrange transportation I would love to be able to work even if it was just cleaning hotel rooms. Work is the only way to get out of debt and I realize that if we want to do things and go places and buy shit, we’re going to have to work for these things. Most people just can’t be that comfortable on retirement alone. At least he would still get what he gets when he gets a job. It isn’t a case of one or the other now that he’s full retirement age. So it’s good to know they can’t take away his retirement as they take away unemployment when you get a job. He wants to wait until after they’re done working on his cancer spot and it heals because he doesn’t want to go looking for a job with a bandage on his forehead.

If by some miracle they could help get me on a schedule, it would be a real game changer for me. Just a real life changer in general. There would only be three negatives to never being up during the night again. Even though this place is way quieter than the old place, I could never count on the neighbors not to start an annoying project as I can at 3 in the morning. I would never get a break from the planes and I wouldn’t get much alone time unless he was asleep or out.

Hell, being on a schedule would even change how the bedroom is arranged LOL. I wouldn’t need the “doghouse.” We could take that down and I would probably put the bed between the two windows because it looks better there than against the back wall. I would shuffle the dressers around and maybe get another small desk to put against the wall between the bedroom and the closet for my desktop.

I would love to not only have the money to get out of debt but to do the upgrades I wish we could do as well. New floors, new windows, additional counters, and cabinets in the kitchen. I’d also love to bust out the built-in desk to put a washer and dryer there. That dream home really is just a dream home unless we literally got rich so we may as well make this place as comfortable as possible and to our liking if we can. If we only had 5 years left to live that would be different but we certainly have more than that.

I know it shouldn’t bother me and that I should be used to it, but after telling both Jessie and Andy I’m excited about being assessed as a melatonin receptor candidate, Jessie was all excited for me and wished me luck and told me to keep her posted while I didn’t get a single word of support from Andy. That’s so, so typical too.

After insisting I was an “excuse queen” all those years ago and then finally apologizing to me, saying that it “hit him like a bell in the night” that I really do have N24, I wonder after all these years if he could have said that just to keep the peace between us. Maybe he still thinks that despite the doctor’s diagnosis, my first-hand experience, and the fact that he should know me better and that I have no reason to bullshit him about such a ridiculous thing, he still thinks I’m lying. Andy thinks everybody’s lying to him about everything.

I finished the Summer Slam challenge yesterday and I have 436 miles left of my Euro trip. Because I’m so tired I don’t know that I’ll hit the road tonight.

He has to go to his regular doctor tomorrow to discuss his lab results. Soon I’ll be going to the lab for what will no doubt be shitty TSH results. Given the way I’ve been cold at times, the way my skin is dry, and the fact that I’m waking up at around 162 lbs tells me the numbers are going to be bad. Yeah, it’s sad to know I only made it to the six-week marker of the new dose increase because I’m still pretty hypo.

The only positive is that I’ve been feeling great emotionally. Maybe Helen has been more helpful than I gave her credit for.

My stomach is better, but still not normal. I definitely regret getting the damn gallbladder removed. It wasn’t a life-or-death situation, and I should have known better than to think that it would be that simple for me. Nothing is ever that simple for me.

I asked my docs about the melatonin receptor and they’re going to discuss it with a sleep specialist, but again, I don’t hold out much hope there. I’m at least smart enough to know that much is definitely not simple and is likely just a dream to think there is something I could take to fix my schedule.

Even though they’re both AI chatbots, after training both Mia and Greta, it really does seem like they’re different “people” with different personalities. Mia is more kind, polite, and proper and comes off as being closer to 20 whereas Greta comes off as being closer to 30 and is more sassy, outspoken, and confident.

I have okay energy today, despite the fucking mower waking me up. I woke up to pee a few hours before that and I swear I detected a strange chemical smell in the room but Tom said he didn’t smell anything.

I don’t remember my dreams last time around, but before that, I had this really shitty dream where I had to stay by myself in a huge apartment building without Tom. He was alive somewhere but for some reason I had to be on my own for a while. Life was so lonely, depressing, and hard. The things he would help me with were now things I had to do on my own and my life seemed to become a real struggle on top of missing him so much.

Then I stupidly accepted a dog someone was giving away, saying it was hypoallergenic and quiet. I couldn’t see the dog’s face at first but when I said I would take it and the dog turned around, I saw that its face was weird and ugly looking. Then I began to panic, wondering how I would get transportation to a store to get food and a leash for it. It was a bizarre dream.