I haven’t written for so long now and I definitely want to get back with it again. The last time I wrote, I didn’t mention ripping off part of the ‘s’ in the ‘Who Cares’ thing they have on the front of the cottage in black tape. We were seen there that day and right now Mom and Dad are on their way down and they’re going to suspect us for sure, but I know nothing, I’ll tell them.

Sure enough, Tammy knew the place was up for sale, but she says she doesn’t know why.

Bullshit. It probably has got something to do with the break-in they had this winter.

I asked Mom if they’re gonna be in Florida year-round and she said yes, but Dad says they’ll be back up here, but God knows when.

Jessie’s gonna be buying my chairs and couch, which I’m glad to see a friend get, rather than just anyone. After all, it was Nana and Pa’s. I’m psyched to get the newer furniture from the Longmeadow house. It’ll look a whole hell of a lot better.

I’ve been up 25 hours and I’m going to try to crash now, and when I get up I’m gonna write music to some lyrics Andy wrote. He’s the writer, I’m the composer.

Today at 9:00, I’m to clean Russ’s house, as far as I know. I’ll call him to make sure. Whether I clean his house or not, I’m going downtown to the bank to cash Carabetta’s security deposit check and to order new checks. Then after, I’ll probably do some shopping. I want to buy some jewelry.

Andy just told me it’s great therapy for him when I write. We’re both just spacing off into our own worlds right now.

I was shocked to see the for-sale sign on the folk’s cottage. I figured they’d be there forever during the summers. Of course, they’d never tell me, but I bet their favorite daughter knows about this.

Not much has happened since I last wrote. I busted my ass cleaning a huge house in Chicopee last Friday and proved to Jim that I’m worth way more than $6 an hour. I know I’ll get a raise from him soon. He’s already hinted at it.

Jim and I had a long talk, too. He seems really nice and is qualified to be a therapist, so I found out. He says I’ll be ok in his brother’s band, but I don’t know. We’ll see.

Jai was away this weekend and he just got back a few hours ago wicked tired and we almost fucked. What stopped us was his girlfriend. I don’t want to get involved with anyone unless they can devote themselves to me only. I know he’s attracted to me and I really like him a lot, but I’d still rather have a woman. Since I can’t, I’d rather stay alone.

Another thing that terrifies me is if we ever did get involved (if he gave up Jenny) and if he turned psycho or if something went terribly wrong, then I have to live next to the guy.

Bruce called me today pressuring me to get a girlfriend once in for all. Yeah, sure. I explained why I can’t get one. Not one I would want, anyway.

Jai’s the first decent person I’ve ever gotten.

I have a busy week coming up. Tomorrow I have a condo to clean and grocery shopping to do. Tuesday, Jai and I are going to my allergy doctor. Wednesday, I work again. Thursday, I’m not sure yet what I’m doing. Friday, I see Dr. Moshiri, then Jim’s picking me up from there to clean the same house I did last Friday. I’ll be doing that house every Friday.

Earlier tonight I finally got to see where Linda lives. She brought me over to her house. It’s pretty nice. She has nice furniture and a really nice stereo and she’s neater than I thought she’d be.

Jai and I continue to spend quite a bit of time together. I dressed up a little for him and he liked it. He fixed my gold-flowered bracelet and said, “I’m glad I fixed that. I like that on you.” 

I put on earrings too, and did my nails which are fairly long now.

I wonder where Nervous is? I doubt the building’s livable yet, so he’s probably on the streets.

I had started to write yesterday, but the phone had rung. I was pissed that day.

I was today too, cuz I had gone without my meds since last Friday, but I took them late this afternoon. Next time I want to try to go longer.

Tomorrow I think I’m gonna go down to Urgent Care cuz I have a yeast infection and a urinary tract infection. Wish I could figure out why the hell I keep getting them all the time.

Also, I need to go to the bank to report my new address and to Saratoga Drug for food stamps.

I wish to hell I had money to go clothes shopping.

Two nights ago I got a hell of a surprise from Nervous. He called, and right away I could tell something was up and he goes, “My building’s on fire.”

It took a minute to register, then when it did I thought - Sasha! She’s ok, though, and is here with me now. Nervo, I guess, was out on the streets all weekend and probably still is cuz the building has probably got to be either rebuilt or heavily repaired, and that’ll take time. I guess from what he says it was a really bad fire started by kids.

I had such a fantastic day. I am sitting right now out on the back porch where the sun’s warm and the breeze is gorgeous.

Jai and I talked for hours. It also occurred to me that I knew his brother Leo from school in Longmeadow.

Linda was over earlier and we sat out on the balcony wall.

Today I was up all day and very productive. Therefore, I feel much better. I cleaned all my windows, vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor and a few other things too, such as sweeping the porch or balcony or whatever it’s called.

Jai took his bike to a bike shop for some spokes for a bike wheel. He builds bikes. He left his door open saying he felt rude shutting his door on me. I really, really like him so much. He’s easy and fun to talk with and be with.

You didn’t dare leave home and leave your door open on Oswego St. It’s so safe and private here.

Early this morning I walked to Shopper’s Drug and it was so beautiful with trees and flowers, rather than graffiti, broken glass and Puerto Ricans gathered all over doing drugs and giving me the eye. Although, males will give you the eye anywhere, white or not.

I was quite pleased again shortly after the last time I wrote. I was not only able to play on the piano the notes I was singing to the song I wrote but also the chords and the left hand. I never knew I could do that.

I overslept today and was worried sick about missing my appointment with Dr. Moshiri, but thanks to Andy, I got there. He drove me home too, but first, he stopped at Newsstand to buy Billboard magazine.

Later on, after I came home, even though I was dead tired, Jessie and I went to Bradlee’s where I got this sexy teddy and then to Heartland’s Food Warehouse. I used quite a few coupons and didn’t get too much so I was surprised the bill came to $55.

Jai and I spent quite some time together. We had some very interesting talks and he taught me how to play the one song he knows on the piano, Let It Be.

I like him very much and I know he likes me, but he has a girlfriend and I’m not attracted to men. He’s not ugly, but cuz I can’t have what I want, I’d rather stay alone than settle. I’m coming to realize that I don’t want to give up my space and privacy by getting committed. Especially when I can’t have what I want to make it really worth it.

Andy was out all night with his friend Mary. He answered at 3:00 and said he couldn’t talk but would call me back in half an hour. Mary was probably right there in the room. She’s as opposed to our friendship as his folks are.

I am really pissed cuz for the third time in a row I missed Unsolved Mysteries, but they’re all repeats anyway.

A little while ago I went to McDonald’s with Andy, who’s probably out grocery shopping now and will be calling me back later. We’re still ranking on people with funny names.

This Friday, I have to see Dr. Moshiri, but after that, Andy and I may go to the beach.

Earlier today, Tammy (my sister) called to say she’s going to Florida and that if there’s any shit with Mom, she’ll pack up and leave. I told her Jessie’s surprised we haven’t disowned Mom and Dad and she said she wouldn’t hesitate to if need be, just like they disowned Bill’s parents. His mother is a real bitch, I guess. Sometime soon I’m gonna go down to see her with Jessie.

I called Mom today and she didn’t get pissed. She’s been so nice ever since Dad was here.

Nervous brought over a guitar he found which looked pretty useless to me. The neck was all smashed.

Later...

I put together a fairly decent song on the guitar in no time, even though it’s not quite finished yet. I just played and sang what I heard in my head and it really is quite nice. I’m gonna go try and finish it.

Not much has happened since I last wrote. Linda was over yesterday briefly, and I spoke with Andy, Jessie and Tammy.

Jessie was here Saturday night for a while, and like a jerk, I let Al come over while she was here and he totally ruined my night. He is such a cruel nasty loser. After they went home, I had an excellent talk with Jai next door. He is so nice. If I was straight he’d be great for me. We had a good talk tonight, too.

I invited Nervous over, which I do once in a lifetime, and he brought me some milk and a candy bar and helped me balance my checkbook. Hopefully, before the month is out I’ll have some extra money cleaning houses for this guy Jim P. He’s getting customers pretty fast. I spoke with him today about it.

I can’t wait till I get extra money cuz I want to go clothes shopping so bad. I want to get some really nice fashions.

I decided to do my outgoing message on my answering machine with me singing and playing the keyboard for a couple of seconds.

Earlier at 2:00, I called Dr. Walker but they were all out to lunch, then fell asleep and woke up too late to call again. Tomorrow for sure.

I realize I haven’t written for a while, and there is a lot to tell and catch up on, too.

Last Saturday night, Linda came over and she and I did some laundry. Then she fell asleep and like a fool, I went downstairs where Gracie used to live to meet whoever lives there, and it was this guy who was totally drunk. There was a girl too, but she said she didn’t live there and was only visiting. She told me to come in and have a drink, but I said I didn’t drink and that I had a cup of coffee upstairs, and she said to bring that down, but I wasn’t interested. Especially since I could see right away that this guy was looking at me with you-know-what on his mind. So I went upstairs and about an hour later, he pounds the hell out of the door, and cuz I was dressed inappropriately, I slouched down against the door and he goes, “My God.” He no doubt thought I was awfully short.

Then he said I sounded kind of grouchy and I told him he woke me and my girlfriend up. Then he says, “Oh, I just wanted to know if you needed anything.” I said no, and left him standing there totally wasted, and then on and off from midnight till almost 4:00, he pounded the hell out of the walls till I called the police and the landlord, which was definitely the right thing to do, cuz I haven’t heard from him. The whole building heard his racket.

Last Tuesday, I cleaned Russ’s house, and then that night Dad called and was talking unusually carefree and I couldn’t hear Mom in the background. He says, “I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

I said, “Yeah, sure,” and he said he was home. At first I didn’t believe him and said I’d call him back, but sure enough, he flew in to see Tammy and the kids and take care of business at the store.

He’s coming up to see my place tomorrow, and he bought me the Judds’ new tape and new batteries for my little piano. I was there at the house with him all day Wednesday and we had a great time. We joked a lot and he teased me as usual.

I played the keyboard for him and shocked the shit out of him. I also showed him how good my pitch is and how I can tell notes just by hearing them. He figured all I could really do was pick with one finger, no left hand, and play only one or two songs. I definitely shocked him.

When I sang for him he could see the improvement despite my nasal sound. He also agrees with my theories about Nana and Pa’s spirits guiding me, and feels I have what it takes to make it and should go to music school. I need to clear up my allergies first, though, and today I’m definitely going to call Dr. Walker. I’m gonna call the college, too.

I called Ma today and she was unusually friendly. I rambled on and on about my singing and piano playing, and can you believe she listened? I know it’s cuz Dad said something. I just wish I wasn’t so stuffed up cuz I know I have the potential to be a 9 or 10 instead of a 7 or 8, but I know I’ll get lucky and make it someday when I least expect it.

Andy says he’ll let me make a demo of my singing on his 4-track, but I want to clear up my allergies and improve first and he said, “You already have improved.”

When we first got together he didn’t feel I had much of a voice. All I could do until a year ago was sing on key, but it really wasn’t a voice. He doesn’t like Gloria’s voice for the same reason I don’t. Cuz it’s a voice that’s just there. It’s nothing special and there’s nothing to it. There’s no vibrato and it’s not strong sounding. I love her songs and her looks, though.

Then Andy said something that really touched my heart. He said, “Remember how I said I’d never be in the same band with you? Well, I have a feeling that very soon I’ll be playing the keyboard with you as the lead singer.”

That just made me feel so good. Plus, we should make it together cuz we need and trust each other so well. I’d feel safe with him, and he’d know how to handle almost any situation good or bad.

We discussed him taking me to a woman’s gay bar maybe this weekend. I’m skeptical, but I’ll go just to get out.

Later...

I just called Linda. She says that maybe later she’ll stop by for some tea.

I wonder when Jessie is gonna come over. She was really pissed at me saying, “When are you gonna be home for more than 5 minutes and have time for having anyone else over?” I told her yesterday she could come over, but she didn’t. I hope this weekend she can. She never saw Oswego St. either, and she agrees it’s about time we see each other more. I mean, we are good friends after all.

I can’t wait to get together with Andy too, and I especially can’t wait to go to the beach. This is my last year being white as a ghost.

Later...

I learned that I could have a kid by artificial insemination. Without being married or rich. It’s an elective thing and the sperm is donated by someone out of state which is great cuz I’ll never have to see the guy or worry about him trying to get the kid or bother me. I’ll never ever go to bed with a guy again or be one’s friend either. Of course I’m gonna wait a while, get a decent job and save up money.

Jessie says to make sure I have someone to help me. Yeah, right. There’s no such thing as me falling in love with someone attractive and decent that’d have me. Only ugly jerks are available to me, but I want to raise a kid myself, rather than get involved with someone, then break up with them and have them try to hurt or take away the kid out of revenge. The only thing that worries me is my family. Would they have DYS on my ass and check up on me all the time? If my mom pulled any shit like that, I swear I will disown her.

Earlier today I was at the house loading up the van with Dad for almost two hours.

Jessie may be over later. I doubt Linda will be.

Yesterday was a shitty day, but it ended up better. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed cuz of not taking my meds, and I got my period, but what really brought me to the boiling point was my father. He must’ve been in a bad mood himself. I don’t know. I just can’t stand his attitude at times. He’s gonna be 58 on April 5th. He’s getting old.

Then Linda came over and calmed me down and cheered me up at the same time. I had taken my pills before she came over.

I’m surprised Tammy hasn’t called to see how I am since I moved. I mean, with all the times I’ve called her she should be considerate enough to see how I am here. She never really called that much on Oswego St., either. I’m the one that always did the calling.

Bruce came over at midnight last night and we had a fairly nice talk, then cuddled in bed and had sex. He was very respectful, gentle and sensitive and after trying little by little I could take him inside me. It hurt a little and it didn’t excite me, but I did enjoy the experience somewhat. I know I can’t be pregnant cuz I started my period today while I was on the phone making calls with Andy.

However, Bruce feels he can’t handle me as his girlfriend, saying he doesn’t admire me cuz of my attitude and my needing to change more. I feel like all my life I’ll be “needing to change,” but he says he really cares and that I’m a good person and will be my friend. He also says I’m not too thin and am attractive with a nice body. I put on makeup for him for the first time.

Al and Jessie were gonna come over earlier, but Bruce and Linda were here instead, and Al got home late and needed to go food shopping. We all talked the other night on the phone and we had a really good talk. I’ll never forget, though, how much Al sucks in bed. He’s after Jessie now. She can have him!

No matter what, I still prefer a woman. Bruce isn’t ugly, and no, he’s not the typical male, but I want a female. I even asked Andy and he agrees. He says I’m definitely gay and there’s no way I could be straight. There is no way for sure that I could be sexually attracted to a man the way I have been to a woman.

Today I’m going grocery shopping and I’m also gonna finish my laundry.

I almost forgot to say that Andy and I had a hell of a time on the phone early this morning around 2:30 or so. We got some really funny names to rank on.

Someone swiped my green pen and that pisses me off cuz I like to write in different colors.

I left a message for the sicko to call at about 1:30 this afternoon, but he never did cuz he probably never went back to the deli afterward, so I hope to hell he calls today so I can get him all nervous and find out why he lied about paying Sasha’s vet bill. I knew the music book was a lie, too. Very typical of him when he can’t get constant attention and his hand held every day. It’s his way of seeking revenge. It’s so humorous, though.

Later...

I just called the Forest Park Grill and left a message for Nervous. We’ll soon see if he calls me. I’m also gonna bring up his spying. That’ll shock the shit out of him and he probably won’t be too happy that I caught him and know about it.

Later...

I found my green pen lying on the floor by the kitchen windows.

I just saw that bitch Rita come out of her car to go into her apartment. I felt like yelling something out to her but didn’t want the other neighbors to hear. I’ll only strike up a storm if she does.

If Nervo doesn’t call by 8:00, I’m gonna start my laundry, then go food shopping. I’ll first find out if Jessie needs to go and if we can do it together. I’ll probably just have to go myself.

Linda says I write funny which is true cuz I write so many different ways. I guess it goes according to my mood.

I hope that if Nervous calls, he’ll be in his nervous mood, and he usually is in the daytime, for some reason. I really want to get him going. It is so hysterically funny!

I forgot to get stamps last time I was at Shopper’s Drug. Next time I’ll get them, and I’ve got to get Dad a birthday card.

I wonder what happened to my period. It just stopped, but I guess I’m not surprised cuz I have such a screwy cycle.

Sasha just got up on the bed with this look on her face saying, “Why are you so busy writing? I want to cuddle.” She’s used to doing that at this time of morning anyway.

I got up today at 6:00 or so when the doorbell rang. I thought it was Andy, but it was Linda. She looked pretty tired and I think I probably talked her ear off, but I’m glad she came over anyway. She was doing her laundry down at the end of the street. She could’ve done it here, though.

I want to ask her if she’ll take me grocery shopping, but I don’t want to burden her. I probably do as it is with my big mouth, so I’m surprised she even comes over.

Sasha likes the balloon she brought over.

At about 9:00, I went over to Jeanie and Jay’s next door. They had a friend over from Locust St. who was from Longmeadow, but I don’t remember him. He knows my cousin Susie.

Tomorrow Jeanie’s gonna let me use her phone to bitch out the phone company. Apparently, they never disconnected me at Oswego Street and I have no phone here. I’m pissed! I called Andy from there and told him about it. Jessie, Tammy, Mom and Dad, and Tammy W. have probably tried calling me.

The gas guy comes tomorrow, too.

Well, I finally met the guy in Nancy’s old apartment. His name’s Jai Z and he’s very nice. We must’ve talked for almost two hours. Of course, I laid it on the line up front and told him I’m gay. He’s very accepting and considerate about it and seems harmless. He says he has a girlfriend and a lot of gay friends. I know he thinks I’m pretty, though, and he likes my singing. We talked about a lot of things and he says he loves to cook and that I can eat dinner with him sometime, but if he ever steps out of line, he’s dead. He seems nice, but so do most people at first.

He’s doing me a favor cuz he wants some of my boxes and will bring those he doesn’t use down to the dumpster.

He has a cat, too. This whole building has cats and dogs. At least they’re allowed here, unlike at Carabetta.

Linda came over earlier. I was so psyched to see her. We had a good time together. I really wonder what she’s got on her mind. I mean, does she like me? I just wish she’d open up and talk a little more. She’s too quiet. I don’t know why but I’m really getting to like her. It’s not that she’s attractive and of course looks aren’t everything but something’s there. I just wish she wasn’t always so serious and quiet. I also wonder if she’s capable of ever being affectionate and really interested in me and getting to know me more. I think she just doesn’t want to be hurt and of course, neither do I.

Another thing I wonder is if she’ll be supportive of a career in music. If ever I do travel someday out of town, will whoever I get be supportive and stand beside me? I mean, I really want someone to say, “Jodi, you have a voice so go for it. I want you to make it as far as you can and don’t ever give it up.”

I think I’ll stay up for a while and see if I get any visits from my obsessed fan out on the street.

I got up late like I knew I would and finally got this place vacuumed. It took forever with this carpet, and my vacuum sucks. It hardly picks up anything.

After that, I put up some of the curtains I got. I really wish I still had the shutters that were in this living room the last time I was here, cuz I put the old kitchen curtains in there and they don’t look too great. They’re ok, though, I guess. They’re better than nothing although I’d rather use them in the kitchen where I put the curtains I got while at Carabetta’s which look pretty stupid cuz they’re two different lengths. Now I have nothing for the kitchen door. Later I’ll put the yellow curtains in the bedroom. I’ll also need to put hooks in the other living room window. I only did one window in there cuz only one had hooks. The door has no hooks either, but first I must buy new curtains.

Where is Andy? I figured he’d be here by now. Maybe later.

I wish I had a fucking phone, but I will soon.

Woodside Terrace…

The movers came to move me out of Oswego St. at 8:15 this morning, and believe it or not, I’m totally unpacked. It looks beautiful and it’s ever so peaceful and quiet. I haven’t been this happy in a long, long time.

Last Tuesday, Andy was over to see it. He almost died. He also brought over the two pianos, guitar, stereo and a few other things for me.

I’d really like to sleep tomorrow, but I need cigarettes. I should also have Nervous come and haul my boxes downstairs tomorrow, too. Then I want to wash my curtains, bedspreads and clothes.

Jeanie, my neighbor in #15, is such a sweetheart. She reminds me so much of Nancy.

Sasha seems to really like it here where pets are allowed. I think my allergies will definitely improve cuz of the radiators which are much healthier than electric heat like at Carabetta’s.

I hope I get my mail here tomorrow and that it’s not still being delivered on Oswego St. I’ll go back and check though before I turn in my keys.

Nervous is never getting a security door key. Never. But I’ll tease him anyway by saying, “Oh, by the way, I keep forgetting to give you that key. I’ll get it soon.” I wonder if he might have a key from when he lived here. I doubt it.

Later...

I can’t understand why I can’t sleep. Probably cuz I’m just so excited and happy. I’ve got a lot on my mind too. At least I haven’t had too much coffee.

I wonder if Nervous has come looking up at the windows? I wouldn’t be surprised if he has. He’s gonna have an awful view cuz I’m up so high. All he can do is see if the lights are on. He’s no doubt gonna be really bummed out without a key and I really doubt he has a key from when he lived here before, cuz I’m sure that when he got evicted, he had to turn his keys over right then and there as the sheriff was cleaning out his apartment. The only other way he’d have a key would be if he had made duplicates. His mother or sister may’ve had a key.

He never paid Larry and John what he owed them or the electric and gas company. He still doesn’t have a phone and I doubt he ever will.

He asked to borrow my chain lamp if I wasn’t gonna use it. No way. And no way in hell will I put up with his nerve-racking visits here in this apartment where I am gonna better my life. I know I’ve gone back on my word time and time again about ditching him, but this guy is a very sick puppy who’s obsessed with me and has nothing better to do than be an asshole. I figured once I moved, it would be the best time to dispose of him. I’m sure after a while I’ll get some phone calls where he hangs up or says nothing. I’m not even gonna have him take my boxes down. I’ll gladly do it myself.

He’s supposedly buying me the music book Canciones de mi Padre. When and if he does, I’ll just buzz him in and tell him to leave it outside my door and to come back in an hour cuz I’m really busy, and when he rings again, I’ll tell him to wait a minute and then forget about him. He’ll probably ring about 10,000 times, too.

Later...

Guess what I just saw?! Nervous was spying in his sister’s car! I happened to be looking out my bedroom window when I saw this car drive up Locust, then turn around in the driveway of an auto repair shop near Dickinson, then it came down and parked a few buildings away from mine, then put its flashers on, then another car passed it. At first, I thought they were cruising for drugs or that the car broke down or they were waiting for someone.

So the next thing I know, the car drives closer and parks under my bathroom window and then I began to wonder if it was Judy’s car with the sicko driving it. Then, I saw that it was him when he turned to drive up Woodside. Then he came back from around the block and again parked under the bathroom. I knew it was him cuz I could see his bald spot and by the manner in which he was smoking and picking his teeth. Then a guy walked up to the car and said something to him, and he drove away without a word. The guy probably thought he was looking to buy drugs.

Is the guy out of his mind? How am I ever gonna get rid of him?

Later...

I fell asleep after the sun came up this morning. I had set the clock for 1:00, but I kept hitting the snooze till around 2:00, then as I was starting to wake up, Andy buzzed. When he came up here, he was surprised I had it all set up already and was really impressed. I made us a cup of coffee then we went to Johnson’s, Burger King, and Strawberries Records in West Springfield where I bought the soundtrack album Goya which only has one song on the whole thing by Gloria and some other guy.

Then on the way home, we stopped at Shopper’s Drug where I wrote out a check for a carton of Merits. Fucking $15! In another year or so, a carton will cost almost $20.

Guess what? Andy and I are going to the beach tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to going. It’s fun to get out and away and we love the beach so much. I’m sure it’ll be cold but I’m wearing my new bikini anyway. I’ve got the body for one now, that’s for sure.

Later...

Well, I just had a lovely encounter with Rita G on the first floor, who was here when I last was. I went down to the laundry room and forgot my keys, so I went up and knocked on her door to borrow her keys so I wouldn’t have to go all the way back up here, and she screamed in a loud, snotty voice, “What do you want?!”

Before I could even finish a sentence, she pushed me away and said, “Get the fuck away,” then slammed the door.

What a bitch! That was totally uncalled for. I think she got some prank phone calls a long time ago and thought it was me, but it wasn’t. I never could get her number. It’s non-published. I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’m gonna knock her one if she ever steps out of line like that again. I never did anything to her to deserve this. I’m not taking any shit from anyone in this building.

A little while ago, after I finished my laundry, I heard Eddie in the hallway downstairs. He might have been yelling at someone, as usual, and at first, I thought he knew I was back and was coming up here. I’m dying to see his reaction whenever we do run into each other. If he starts anything, I’m not gonna walk away or just stand there cuz he needs to know that as long as I live here, I will not tolerate any shit from anyone.

Later...

Andy just buzzed to say that tomorrow we’re gonna do something else cuz it’ll be too cold.

I wonder if I’ll see the psycho tonight. I’m sure he’s already been scouting around today anyway. What else has he got better to do?

I’m surprised that with the nicer view Sasha has that she’s not in the windows more often. Maybe she has been when I haven’t noticed. I’ve seen her a few times though.

Every time this refrigerator shuts off, it makes this funny noise.

Sasha just jumped up on the bed and is cleaning herself. She’s so cute, and everyone who’s seen her says so. She definitely is cuter than most cats.

Today has been somewhat boring but ok, nonetheless. I got my refill on my Navane and also bought a new flashlight cuz Fran stole mine. He probably thought I’d never notice, but now that he knows I did, I’ll probably never see him again. I also have to get a new calculator. I’ll never even get the money for the records I gave him.

I asked Joe at Saratoga Drug if he’d save me boxes. He said yes, and I’m to go there next Wednesday to pick some up. I gave them my new address for their prescription records.

The only bitch to moving is that there are so many changes to make. My license, the bank, SS, the post office, welfare, the phone company and God knows who else. I’ve got to take care of all that next week.

Ma says to watch the mail for two big envelopes. Probably the dress she says she bought.

I have so many expenses coming up with moving, cable, the phone and the dating service. I’m gonna cancel the cable but I’m not gonna pay them all at once. I’d rather only have a VCR although the reception is better with cable. I’m gonna have to pay for gas and electricity when I move too. I’m gonna have to really cut out my long-distance calls.

Later...

Where the hell is Nervous? I’ve left messages for 4 days in a row and I haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out screwing someone.

Russ called about cleaning his house on Monday morning at 9:00. The thing that petrifies me is getting attacked by a dog. He says there’s one large dog loose in the neighborhood, but that it doesn’t attack. I’m still scared. Ever since I nearly got attacked in Longmeadow, I’ve been scared to walk the streets cuz of strays.

I’m psyched! I’ve been waiting forever for this day to come. I’m moving! Back to my old place on April 1st. Russ called Mom and Dad in Florida, and they’re paying April’s rent, then from now on they’ll send Russ $140 a month, and I’ll pay $300. I’m paying to move me, too. I’m gonna be working for Russ cleaning his house, and his maintenance guy is gonna move me. Russ is gonna talk to him.

I’m so happy! Goodbye, Puerto Rico! Bruce is gonna help me by getting me boxes and changing my locks. Andy’s gonna buy my bars, cuz of course, I won’t need them, and Jessie’s gonna move my stereo and pianos and whatever else in her car. I’ve already packed tons of shit.

I ran into Linda today at the gas station and I told her about it and I’m kind of upset now cuz she was supposed to come over two hours ago and didn’t and I’m really getting to like her a lot now. She moved too, out of the house she and her ex-girlfriend owned.

You will not believe the horrendous experience I had yesterday afternoon at Friendly’s. I finally met Mary, and oh my God, what a disgusting, pitifully pathetic case! She’s so ugly! Blistery zits all over her face, braces, gross body, her clothes looked like they were 100 years old and had never been washed. She was so insecure, nervous and shy. The things she said were so stupid. She looks like an unstable, immature little kid. She was pulling her sleeves over her hands saying, “I’m so shy. People say I give them bad vibrations.”

When I went to reach for a cigarette, she jumps and I said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Would you rather I wait?”

She said, “No, it’s just that you’re so good-looking and I’ve never seen anyone more attractive.”

I thought to myself, Of course you’re saying that cuz you’re an ugly jerk. If you were decent or attractive you wouldn’t waste your time saying that.

I called Tammy and she said not to worry, and that that always happens the first time, before she went on to tell me about all the ugly losers she got before she met Bill.

I called Pam and told her and she sympathized with me and said she’d make it up to me by sending someone else.

I’m on cloud 9 about moving but hurt that Linda never showed up or called. She’s no Gloria, but I’m really getting to like her. Something’s definitely there. Just something attracts me, and I feel she’d be good to me.

I told Tammy I’d be moving and gave her my address. She seemed happy. Everyone’s happy for me.

Yesterday I fell asleep really early in the evening and then at 9:30 or so I slowly became aware of an unfamiliar voice on my answering machine, so I called back and it was a referral from Woman to Woman. Her name is Mary. Like I need to meet another person with that name! Haven’t I met enough people with that name anyway?

Well, anyway, she doesn’t really seem like my type. Just the way she was talking, her choice of words and attitude. I could be wrong cuz you can’t really get to know someone over the phone just by talking to them once. But it seems like I’ll never have what I have in mind. Maybe my standards are too high, but I want what I want.

She says she’s 5’ 4” with auburn hair and that she’s slightly overweight and wears glasses and lives with her mom in Westfield. Of course, I always get overweight people and I hate glasses and I wish she had her own house. She says her hair is long and she’s 27 years old and she’s never been with a woman before. Shit! I want someone who has experience with women.

I suppose whatever and whoever I get is always better than a man just so long as they aren’t another Mary D. Or as ugly.

Later...

Every single fucking morning at this time there’s some car warming up gunning its engine and I’m really beginning to consider going out there and knocking a piece of my mind into this guy. It’s ridiculous.

I can’t wait now, believe it or not, for the warm weather so Andy and I can go to the beach. I can’t wait to wear my new swimsuits.

I’d like to order this strapless mini dress from this catalog I have, but not a bathing suit cuz I can get one just as good at A.D.S. Fashions for less money. The dress costs $16, so I’ll just wait a while.

I filled out that application, so I’ll just wait and see what happens. I’ll mail it today.

Maybe I’ll call my hairdresser, Dee, to get an inch trimmed off the bottom straight across and also my bangs to get it closer to one length. I’d kind of also like her to take the perm out. I’m getting a little sick of it but it does look nice and she did an excellent job. It’s just that I hate how all the hair from the top of my hair is dead. The rest of it is very healthy, soft and silky.

I forgot to mention that I set up a time to meet with Mary at Friendly’s on Sumner Ave. this Thursday at 5 PM. She says she doesn’t know Springfield that well and if she doesn’t “forget” she’ll be there. I’ll probably call her tonight to remind her. I’m not going all the way up there for nothing, and it gets dark soon after 5:00.

The one thing I hate about waking up really early is that no one’s up and nothing’s open.

Tammy called me yesterday saying her cousin from Georgia is flying in for a few days.

My show Unsolved Mysteries is on tonight which I’m looking very forward to seeing cuz I missed it last week.

Later...

Stuart is on the phone now. He’s worried about going to court again for prank phone calls.

Right now I heard this really weird noise outside. Some kind of hissing sound.

Stuart said he’d get back to me later. I really want to get together with him and see how he looks now. He’s grown his hair longer in the back so he says. It’s been close to a year since I’ve seen him.

I pray to God I get my old place back. Stuart and I would be neighbors, and also Jo L still lives there. If Eddie bothers me I’ll pop him one, not caring how sick he is with Alzheimer’s disease.

To tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much better since Sasha left, but the new medication and the shots should hopefully help a lot.

Later...

I just got back from having a bite to eat with Stuart. He looks pretty good, but his hair doesn’t look longer to me. It still looks the same. He says I look too thin now. He’s gained some weight in the gut.

The most puzzling thing happened. Stuart went into Carabetta’s office to tell Shauna that he’d pay his rent soon. She looked and acted funny and said, “And you’re with Jodi.”

Whatever the hell did she mean by that? Stuart and I wonder. Probably cuz we’re both so flaky.

Earlier, before going out with Stuart, I spoke with Mary again and still feel she’s not really going to be my type. She seems to have a negative attitude and is very down on herself at times. I don’t feel we have anything at all in common. She doesn’t really interest me. She believes there’s no such thing as a permanent relationship cuz people change so much and that the average relationship between two women only lasts two years. She doesn’t want to move in with anyone either, she says.

I swear I’ll never get the one I dream of. In reality, it seems like the perfect love with the right woman is just too much to ask for. It’s not fair.

I hope the next two I meet will turn out better.

I sensed from what Mary was saying that most people find her unattractive. Sure, if she’s overweight and wears glasses. I hate glasses.

Jessie says she’s gonna spy on me when I go up to Friendly’s to meet her. I asked her if she really wanted to go see what she looks like. Then I won’t feel so alone. She is gonna take me up there but we’re gonna walk in separately, then after a while, I’ll pretend to notice her all of a sudden. Hopefully, if I don’t come home with Mary, Jessie can take me home. It’ll be dark then.

Later...

I just had a very long interesting talk with Andy about the book Helter Skelter. He’s gonna lend me the book to read.

I forgot to mention earlier that when I was cutting through the driveway onto Oswego St. after seeing Dee, I almost got killed. This car which I never heard cuz it was on my deaf side came whizzing by me and just missed me only by inches with a cruiser chasing it. They went around the block, then in back of buildings 25 and 21 no doubt thinking they could get out, smashed into the dumpster and then abandoned the car. It was 3 young black, a guy and two girls. Then Mattie and I were on our way inside when we saw them hiding behind the bushes under Dotty’s window. Then they ran again. It was either a stolen car or drugs.

I’ve got to get the fuck out of this neighborhood and fast. This place is crazy. You never know if you’ll be alive the next day or if in the middle of the night the building will be set on fire.

Andy and I had a blast earlier tonight on the phone ranking on people, then I got really tired, but I want to just stay up and write. It totally cleanses my soul.

I just spoke to Andy a few minutes ago which I wanted to do before I continue writing. While on the phone with him I looked back into my other journals and read him about the day we were at the beach and also the day he taught me how to play La Isla Bonita but I have yet to find the day he taught me Talk To Me or the day we met up again which was downtown at the Sheridan where he still works. He now works at the Holiday Inn. He needed the extra money to support himself with his new apartment.

Later...

Can you believe that after all this time I still remember all my other phone numbers? I don’t think I’ll change it again when I move.

I’ve called my old numbers before to see if anyone’s called looking for me, and sometimes they have. The guy at my first number which was listed said a few people called looking for both me and Michelle L, the fucked-up roommate I had on Locust St.

I wonder just what kind of life good old Crystal C is leading now. Everyone who knows her knows what a loser she and her sweet old boyfriend are. They’re definitely meant for each other.

Also, Mary D is always gonna live a very lonely life with her usual slew of non-stop problems. She’s also going to get her ass severely kicked with the way she is. She’ll never have anyone decent any more than Crystal ever will.

Good old Nellie R is gonna no doubt spend most of her life in jail. I never met anyone so sick, cruel and cold-blooded, but it ended with her knowing just what I knew about her and thought about her, and God help any of these people if I catch them on the streets.

Oh, and don’t I remember that black bitch Barbara T so well? The user probably lives out on the streets or in someone’s cellar.

I spoke to Mom earlier and I pray to God she can help me out of here and into my old apartment by April which is when Russ says my place will be vacant again. She claims there are a few people interested in the house, but I know that it might take forever for that damn stupid house to sell. She also said they might not be coming home until the end of May, and of course, this year I’m not going to Florida. I give anything to stay alone at the beach, but of course not. I’m still a little girl, Tammy’s welcome, but not me. Not even if I was straight and married.

Later...

Last night I fell asleep between the hours of 4:00-5:00 only to wake up at 7:00 to go to the bathroom. I thought I’d never go back to sleep, but I was exhausted, so I forced myself, then I woke up again at 10:30 to someone’s pounding or hammering. I couldn’t tell if it was upstairs or downstairs.

Dotty said the Puerto Ricans upstairs moved out. I hope not cuz they were really nice and I’m worried as it is about who they’re gonna put downstairs in Hank’s old place, and as you know, Carabetta takes anybody. Yesterday morning, I thought I heard footsteps upstairs and was hoping the older couple, Emanuel and Iris, were still there and that it was only their daughter, son and grandson who moved out, but I don’t know. Time will tell. Their names are still on the mailbox. It sure would be quieter if the kids only moved out. They used to run back and forth up there constantly, although I shouldn’t talk. They’ve never once complained about me or my music.

I was surprised Linda never called me yesterday and I even left her a message. I really hope she’s not interested in me cuz I hardly ever see her although that may mean nothing, cuz Mary used to claim how much she was in love with me and wanted me though I only saw her once in a lifetime. But of course, it was the biggest favor she did for me. Linda’s so ugly, too. In a way, she reminds me of Mary.

Later...

I had a long conversation with Bruce today and he made me realize there’s so much more to learn on the piano. Scales, keys, chords and all kinds of things. I really want to go to school to learn but I’m so afraid of failing and I really want to graduate with honors.

He says part of making it as a singer is being attractive and that I am very attractive. When I told him why I wish I were ugly sometimes, he said my chances would be zero if I were. I reminded him of how fat actress Roseanne Barr is, and he said that she’s an actress acting in a role that’s suitable for a fat person. I also told him Ella Fitzgerald was fat and he said, “Look how old she is.” So, he definitely has somewhat of a point. You use your looks and image to sell yourself, as well as your talent.

I am not feeling all that great today cuz of the pork I ate last night. I obviously didn’t cook it well enough. I feel pretty lousy and I took my meds too but I’m glad I don’t need to take them every day. I can go a day or two without them. What I need to understand is that I’m not just going to be able to stop overnight. It’ll take time but, in the future, I’ll need them less and less.

So far today I’m having an excellent day. I got up at 8 AM and went grocery shopping and already I’ve eaten a fruit cup, a sandwich, some baked stuffed scallops and later I’m going to have a pork chop and something to go with it.

Today I received that application. Before I fill it out I want to speak to my mom. I left a message on her machine for her to call me back.

I doubt very much that I’ll be going to Florida this year. She said something about coming home early this year. Yeah, sure. They probably won’t be home till May.

Guess what? Pam called from the dating service. She says she has a potential referral for me and that she’s going to mail me the information either today or tomorrow. I’m so worried cuz of where I live and my not having a job cuz if she’s decent that’ll really turn her off. You know all my fears and doubts. I don’t have to write about them again. I just hope she’s attractive.

I miss my cat so much and truthfully haven’t improved much since she’s been gone. If I move to my old apartment, she’ll love it. Nervous is taking her to the vet today for her yearly booster and exam. I hope she’s ok. She should be.

Tammy didn’t call yesterday or today but I spoke to Andy last night and I saw his car at his place as I was on my way up to Food Mart.

Again Linda called yesterday saying she’d call me back about coming over, but she never did.

Today I got into an argument with Jessie about her being paranoid about her coming here and parking in the back here. Oh well, that’s her problem.

I was wicked pissed cuz yesterday I slept all day and never did my grocery shopping and today there are no buses. I could get stuff at the gas station but I have no money. It’s all in the bank.

Very early evening yesterday Linda called and I asked her to come over and she said she would and that she’d call me later. So, I finally woke up again around midnight realizing Linda never called or left a message on my machine, so I called Andy and asked him to bring me a pack of butts and to come over. He did, and we had a damn good time.

When he first came over, he was complaining that his stomach hurt him and I started playing the piano and he was saying how he always wanted someone to play for him when he feels lousy. So I began playing Just One Look and said it sucked, but when I finished, he got up, slowly walked over to me and said, “What do you mean it sucks? That was so good. You weren’t even looking at the music. You’ve improved so much. The pain is all gone.”

That made me feel so good to hear him say that. He’s the only one that really appreciates my music. I also sang for him and he said, “Yes, you’ve improved and maybe I should just stick to the piano and let you do the singing.”

I then told him how we should go out and make it together cuz of how close we are and cuz of how much he knows about the business and he says, “Just maybe we will.”

I’d hate to go off and try to make it alone without him who I trust and know so well.

I got a kick out of a couple of weeks ago when I put on my new 2-piece bathing suit to show him how much weight I’ve lost and he was surprised all right. I haven’t even needed to take my water pill for so long but I’m a little scared cuz it’s the time of year now that I lose weight and I surely can’t afford to lose anymore.

I finally have now learned Words Get in the Way by heart without looking at the music and it feels so damn good! I also began playing Blue Bayou. It’s fairly easy.

Today I’m hoping Linda calls. I just left a message for Nervous to call. Last night Tammy called at fucking 1:30. She’s damn lucky I was up. Andy talked to her for a few minutes.

Right now I’ve got to go check yesterday’s mail to see if that application from Russ came yet.