I fell asleep at 10 AM and awoke about 4 hours later with a period that was just like the last one. Lots of cramps and flow. I really felt like shit both physically and mentally and was very tired. I did get back to sleep about an hour later and got up at 8 PM.

Got that package from my parents. There was a camera, stuffed animals, recipe cards, dry-erase markers, a small lamp, a tape measurer and candles.

There was also a paper bus that no doubt came from Larry. I remember he’d give me things like that when I was younger. There were more cups and pens from the casino in Biloxi Mississippi, an AOL disk we don’t need, and a metal stand of some kind that we can’t figure out what’s used for.

There were two flower-shaped plates with green flowers painted on them and a block of wood wrapped in nice paper with a message on it saying that this was a gift that could never be opened.

There was this deco with sand and water in a square, a thin piece of glass, a metal bird, and a metal tree-like design on a rock. There was a 3-level wire basket that I was wishing I had last night. I put it up over the sink and now I can stash potatoes in it, instead of keeping those on the floor.

Lastly, she sent pictures and several picture frames, and a very tiny friendship book with short little friendship poems.

Let me describe the picture frames, then I’ll describe the pictures. There were two small picture frames that were absolutely adorable. They were of windows with pretty colors and flowers around them. Then there was a clear plastic one, a small dull-colored one, a light wood-colored one, and two matching metallic ones with gold stripes.

In the matching ones, there’s a picture of Lisa and Becky. No picture of Sarah. There’s only one of her and that’s with Lisa and Becky in one of the pretty window frames. They’re hard to see, but from what I can see of Lisa, she’s really starting to look like a young woman. And Becky does not look fat or homely at all. Just a bit plain, as do Sandy and Jen, but Sandy really does have a dynamite figure for being in her 40s and for going through 3 pregnancies. It’s nice to finally have a picture of her and she, the two Larrys and Jen, are in the other window frame. A picture of Ma and me, then one of Dad and I are in the clear one, a picture of Tom and me is in the dull-colored one (I looked horrible as I always do in pictures), and a picture of Tom and my folks are in the light wooden one.

As for loose pictures that I put in photo albums, they were mainly scenery shots that they took on their trip here.

In other news, it looks like Tom put the rest of the puzzles in my world and I made a list of the ones I don’t like so he can delete them off the hard drive. My desktop just got way too crowded with icons and it was really starting to obscure my wallpaper pictures, so I put everything except for my AOL, word processor, CD player, and the 3 computer functioning icons, back into Mystery’s world menu that you get to by way of the start menu programs.

Later...

Tom says the dryer is fixable, but not worth fixing, so we’re gonna have to get a new one.

I had to sew a button on Andy’s work pants for the third time. This time I used a button with 4 holes and did many stitches, so this button could now only come off if he either yanked it off in a fit of rage or if it was hexed. I stuck the friendship book in the pocket of his pants for him to check out. I think he’d like something like that.

Hopefully, the weekend will be no noisier than the usual door slamming when their weekend company comes to see them.

There’s quite a dust storm going on right now. I guess this means it’ll rain eventually, along with thunder and lightning, and I’ll have to play the game of making sure the water leaking from the roof lands in the buckets I’ve got set up and not on furniture or other stuff.

Yesterday I took the tin foil out of the living room window. Since he obviously never intended to put up the sound blockers and since they’re not needed at this point, I figured it’d be nice to have a bright living room. I like it pitch dark for sleeping, but when I’m awake, I like bright sunny rooms.

I’m very happy that my period just decided to start, cuz of how sore my tits have been. Early relief is nice and I figured it’d come early, but 4 days early? Last month it was 3 days early. Is it gonna be 5 days early next month?

Is everything OK, or is God trying to show me that he’s about to end this baby ordeal I’ve been going through for years now by having something go wrong so I’d need a hysterectomy so as to give me permanent closure to this and to get my husband to deal with my sterility, too? Since Tom won’t believe I’m already sterile, is this God’s way of letting him know I am? By having something go wrong now and reinforcing that a doctor would do us no good?

Well, I know I’ll never have a child and that it’s not meant to be, so I’m all for God destroying my plumbing since there’s no need for me to have to deal with periods. Go ahead, God! Kill it all!

We finally screwed yesterday, but naturally, he lost his energy really fast and was coughing all over. He’s still coughing up the last of the cold, but it’s a good cough now. Before, nothing was coming up.

I saw an ad in the TV guide for something I want soooooo bad. I couldn’t believe it was just $100. I thought it’d be 2-3 hundred. It’s this thing you clamp onto a piece of hair and it painlessly removes hair forever. Oh, how I’d love something like this! It’d be great to do my eyebrows, underarms, a few lower stomach hairs I get, legs, bikini, and pussy area and maybe my widow’s peak, too, and never have to ever worry about doing them again. And Tom may very well never have to shave his face again. That hair removal thing really sucked. It wouldn’t pluck out all the hairs and it’d grow back much faster than they claimed it would. In fact, I left Andy a message and told him to ask Laura or Michelle or anyone if they want it. This isn’t one of those things I want to just give away, but I’ll probably never use it again, so I told him I will take $25 for it.

Yesterday, T-Bear, as I sometimes call him now, found the “treat hole.” There’s a hole in the side of the new cage that’s for putting the red wheel up that it came with. Since he uses his pink wheel only that’s downstairs, I don’t have this wheel up. Before, I’d hold a piece of food to the hole and he’d ignore me, but yesterday he noticed me and it was so cute and funny how he’d keep taking pieces of food and stuffing his pouches. First, he started with one pouch and it was so funny, cuz he looked like he’d been punched in the face with one side sticking out. Then he filled the other and when they were both filled to capacity, he went to the part of one of the tubes that he sleeps in and emptied it all out. He’s finally gotten to like lettuce, too. Then I took T-Bear out and put him on my table. Then I got Piggy and put them side by side. It was the cutest thing I ever saw and they went right to work on cleaning each other. Then, T-Bear stood up with his front paws on Piggy’s back. Then I put them both in T-Bear’s cage and they cleaned each other there and took drinks. Then T-Bear went wheeling and I took Piggy home to his and Bunny’s cage. Bunny was outside at this time. Yes, T-Bear needs a roommate and we’ll get him that black gerbil one of these days.

The longest part of my hair, which is all but the sides, is now to the middle of my ass. The middle of my ass! It’s really moving all of a sudden. It seems like it stalled forever when it got to be about 3” from the crack of my ass, but now it just keeps going and going. It’s still very dry, dead and frizzy and I’d still like to even it out, but I’m gonna leave it alone for a while, cuz now I’m curious to see how long it’s gonna keep moving like this and to where it’ll end up. I don’t know if I really ever want it below my ass, so when and if it gets there, I’ll chop it to the top of my ass, I guess.

I downloaded 30 puzzles from AOL a few days ago and Tom unpacked and installed a few of them. I didn’t realize it was so time-consuming and so much work, and as we know, he has very little free time. So, I’m gonna have him teach me how to do this to save him time. Plus, I’d like to do it, anyway.

This is quite a shocker I realized, but I think that the two dogs and next door’s dog, actually are taken inside at night. I always used to hear the two dogs at least 5 times throughout the night, but for quite a while I haven’t and I haven’t heard next door’s dog at night, either. I could be wrong about this, but the reason I think there’s a chance that they’re not even out there at night is that I didn’t hear any barking when I threw that note inside that big pen that had gum in it over the two dog’s wall at night. Also, I threw an ice cube over next door’s wall a couple of nights ago to see what it’d do and I heard nothing. Not even when I dumped the recycle stuff into the just emptied bin and that makes a hell of a racket. Anyway, I haven’t heard any night barking for ages now.

Last night I drew a picture of a girl that came out fairly well. It sort of looks like one I did in my first sketchbook. So, I’m sending it to Marty and Ruth with a quick hello note.

If my folks mailed me that package on Tuesday, it should be here tomorrow, so I’ll be looking forward to it.

I wish that 80s CD would hurry up and arrive, too.

When I got up yesterday, I called my folks and wished them a happy anniversary. They had just brought home tons of Chinese food and were enjoying that and watching the news. It was a quick call, cuz I didn’t want to tie them up.

Ma also said she’s using the regular PO to send a package that should arrive on Friday or Monday. I think it stands a chance of getting here Saturday, too, since we get mail on Saturdays unless they don’t do packages on Saturdays.

I’m very happy for Tom’s mom, cuz she got a really nice new VCR and we’ll be getting something like it too, eventually.

Also, I’m very very happy for Tom who said that last night at work, his ear began to crackle and drain. He said he feels like a whole different person since yesterday, and at the time he said that he said he should be exhausted. So, that’s why he’s been so tired. Cuz his body was finishing off fighting this ear infection that began as a cold. Well, that’s all well and good, but how long will it be till he gets sick again? Till he’s so busy that he’s beat again? And when will he show any sexual desire for me?

I knew there was something familiar about yesterday’s date. Nervous would be, I believe, 55 if he were still alive. Today’s my parents’ 46th anniversary and wacko Fran’s birthday, too, and I think he’s around 34.

I just did my best piece of wall art ever and I can’t believe I did it so fast, cuz it’s big! The length of it is almost from the floor to the ceiling and even wider than that. I did this in the bedroom. In there, there are two closet doors. There is about 3 feet of space between the two doors and a little bit of space on the other sides of the doors. I drew a vine with leaves that appear to be draped over and strung across the doors. In the middle of the doors, connected to the vine, I put a big red rose. Below it, I did a smaller orange flower, and then under that and close to the floor, I put a larger pink flower. Then, I got really lucky and added a great shot of Bugs Bunny eating his carrot. He stands parallel to the floor and he’s over 4 feet tall.

Now I have the usual stuff to discuss and believe it or not, I’m having both happy thoughts, as well as frustrating and scary ones. Usually, it’s one or the other, but if I can’t have all happy things going on, at least there are some hopeful and happier things mixed in. The question is, though, is this just another delusion? Am I falsely getting my hopes up for nothing? I ask this, cuz I seem to be an expert at it. There are no guarantees in life and I know my track record for trying new things, so although I do hope and wish deep down for the better, the last thing I want to do is tell myself that a bed is the answer to our sex problems and dreams.

You see, I thought that Tom saw what I saw in getting the new bed and that that was simply to be able to be closer, more normal, and to have the convenience it’d bring. However, he says he’s sure that that’s what’d help us to have more and normal sex and a kid (remember, he still thinks I’m fine). He explained to me that most couples sleep together, are on the same schedule, and screw at night, before bed, in the middle of the night, and in the morning. Since we haven’t had that, I guess this is why things have been the way they have been. I still won’t rule out the possibility of him having fears at any time, and I certainly won’t rule out God having anything to do with the way things have been. Once again, the more normal something is, the harder God seems to make me have to work for it and that’s the frustrating scary part. It’s easy to say we’ll get the bed and we’ll sleep together at the same time, but can I? And will that really make a difference in how much we have sex? And will that really make him cum more?

As much as I want that bed and want to be on the same schedule he is and am gonna try my hardest, I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna manage this. He says he wants the same things I want and I guess that he didn’t bring up taking out a loan for the bed a long time ago, cuz he figured I wouldn’t go for it (or maybe he wasn’t ready for this change till now). When he first came last July, he said he was sure I’d be pregnant by the New Year. I asked him why he now believes that this is the answer if we’ve been wrong before on other ideas we’ve had, and I guess he just felt the way he did back then if he wasn’t just talking.

It’s hard not knowing what the future holds in some cases and not knowing if this is just another impossible dream that’ll just have me feeling like a fool and a failure in the end, who’ll just end up saying how I should’ve known better than to hope.

I know no bed can make me pregnant. Sterile is sterile bed or no bed, but will God just let us have this added normality and let us be sexually? I hope so and that’s the problem. I very seldom get my hopes up cuz I’m such a pessimist and when I do, believe me, it’s a bust.

I asked Tom if he thought it’d make a difference in the sex if I slept when he did and got up when he did, versus laid down with him till he fell asleep, then got up, then laid back down with him as he was getting up and he said yes. He said that that didn’t mean that it’d be hopeless if I couldn’t get on this schedule, I’ve tried for over 10 years to get on, but that it would affect it.

I’m also not too happy with the way he’s been rather short with me lately. I don’t know if he loves me less than he did in the beginning or if he’s not as attracted to me, but he seems like he’s having a harder time being as patient, tolerable and accepting of my ways lately (when I cry, repeat myself, or go on and on about being happy about something, etc). After being down and literally hopeless for so long, as far as our dreams and more happiness go, I was really psyched up when he explained this bed thing to me, so over and over again I told him that even though seeing is believing for me, and I still feel God’s sealed our fate as far as the kid goes and that I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna get on whatever schedule he’ll be on, I feel the most hopeful ever, about our dreams and happiness. He said he knew; I’d told him enough times. I told him that that was just my way of expressing myself and that I thought it was better than me crying. He said he didn’t think it was much different. Well, then if he doesn’t really like it when I cry or go on about how good I feel over something, how am I gonna know what to say and how often to say it? I mean, he knew that I was this way before we got married, and even though I love this guy to death, hope this bed really does help us, I feel like I’ve got to change my whole personality and my whole life. Meaning, I have to pay closer attention to what I say and how much I say it, so he won’t get frustrated with me and lose patience and tolerance, then I have to figure out how I’m gonna get on a schedule after all this time.

I’m not saying that I don’t still love Tom and that I’m perfect. I know that I, too, can be impatient and that I can get frustrated with him and lack tolerance, and I’ll work on that the best I can, but maybe the word communication should be changed to either fight or argue. It does seem like the more people talk, the more they fight and argue and maybe you really do have to fight, argue, yell, and get angry and frustrated to get your point across, so maybe I ought to just keep more things to myself. I love this guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him no matter what, but I wish the squabbling over the same few issues could stop. For once and for all. Cuz I don’t need it anymore.

I just want to move on. I just want a normal sex life and a child. Is that too much to ask for? Yes. As long as it’s me asking for it, it’s too much to ask for.

There’s going to be a meteor shower at around 10:00, so in a half-hour, I’ll get him up from his nap. He’ll be leaving tonight at 12:30.

Later...

The shooting stars were nice to see, although I only saw a few and for only a second. The lights in the city make them hard to see.

Tom mowed the grass. It really needed it, but cuz he was sick, it hadn’t been getting done. It looks nice freshly cut.

I know the truth. That this bed will not change anything. I wish to hell it could and that I could be pleasantly surprised with both a great sex life and a child, but I know God and I know my fate. I also fear that Tom doesn’t just think it’ll change anything, but he knows it won’t change anything and is just teasing me with false hopes.

Also, I love my husband dearly, but today was one of the classic examples of how he uses the lamest excuses that I just can’t buy, as to why he can’t screw. Just 5 hours after he’s been up, he’s saying he’s already tired. He’s tired? He’s tired!? Well, is this guy ever gonna wake the fuck up? He said that driving stresses him out and tires him out. Well, no wonder he’s tired every day. He drives every day. So what - we have to have him get rides, take buses or cabs in order to be able to keep up with me sexually? He tells me he has more energy now at 40 than he did at 20. That’s scary. What’d he do then - only screw once a year? This man has tremendous energy for staying up long, adapting his schedule, doing physical projects for hours and much more. But he has no energy for sex? He’s got to be like an old man in bed? How can he have so much energy to do projects that are quite physical and all the other stuff he does, yet act like he’s an 80-year-old man in bed most of the time? I just don’t get it, so maybe he will be right. Maybe the answer is the bed and that’s what he’s needed all along. If this bed doesn’t change anything, as I fear it won’t, then nothing will and all the more I’ll feel he’s full of shit. That he doesn’t desire me all that much and that he really doesn’t want a kid. Each year that goes by that we’re in this situation, I find it harder and harder to believe anything he says. And of course, there’s no help from God.

I wish to hell that I could know that God never intended to keep me from my dream and that he was just waiting for this bed, but no way. That sounds too simple of a solution. Just too good to be true. I just can’t imagine a bed changing anyone’s life like that and I still know I’m sterile. So, even if he’s right, and we have more sex and he injects me like crazy, there still won’t be a baby. I can’t wait to see his reaction to that. Will he still be saying I’m OK? Or will he acknowledge that I was right all along and maybe bring up the subject of a doctor? I know I’m still very very hesitant about that idea, cuz fate is fate. It won’t do us any good and knowing that we lost thousands of dollars to a miscarriage and to be reinforced of God’s unfairness and cruelty, won’t do a damn thing to help my mental state. I’d hate to think that God could hate anyone so much as to hex their sex life, not allow them to conceive when it does go normally, then have them lose a doctor-made baby that they spent thousands on, but look at Jon Bonet Ramsey. Here’s this gorgeous 6-year-old girl that was in some beauty pageant and look what happened to her. She was raped and murdered. That takes hate. From two sources. The man that did this and the source up in the sky that allowed it to happen. And people say these things happen for a reason? Oh, bullshit!

Tom says it’ll be a month or two before we get the bed. I hope so and I also hope he does the roof soon. If he only had more time and didn’t have so many things to do for so many other people. Again, is this one of the many reasons why God just won’t allow us a kid?

Tammy says it’ll be a while before we can see Sarah’s pictures on the Internet and that she sent a video to mom and dad of their chorus and around the house. She said she’ll have Mom and Dad send it to us, then we’ll send it back to her. We’ll see about that.

Although Sarah never struck me as the type to get modeling offers (if she really did), I’d say she’s the best-looking of the 3 and that Lisa’s just there and that Becky’s rather homely. Again, I wouldn’t tell Tammy that, cuz that’d be mean.

Larry says he doubts he’ll be calling Tammy on her birthday.

That’d really make her day. No, she won’t be too happy about that.

Mary and Dave drove Mom to Red Lobster and Tom and I met them there. Then Mary and Dave left and we took Mom here. I showed her the art stuff, the journals and the animals and Tom showed her stuff on AOL, then brought her home.

He got two more straight tubes for the new cage and that allows for much more flexibility in designing different setups and it looks better. I could still use 3 more, though, then with the exception of the gerbil and the other cage Play City makes, I won’t need tubes or other stuff for quite a while.

He went down on me today and I enjoyed it very much. I’m still very wary about getting back into sex and the shit it brings about, knowing that while Tom can ask me what’d make me happy, and I can say that more sex + more cumming by him + proof of who’s really right (even though I know I am) = a happier me, is just a dream and nothing will ever change. I know there’s no chance of a miracle allowing me to get pregnant, therefore, I wish he’d cum more so he can see that I know what I’m saying when I say I’m sterile, so he can help me deal with it better. Then we could sit down and discuss how much we want a child and the pros and cons of taking a chance on a doctor (once again, though, I know that’d never get us anywhere). There’s no beating God, that’s for sure. And is Tom gonna do what he asks, then gets told will make me happier? Oh no. Of course not. He’s too wrapped up in his own fears and in his own reasons for being the way he is. Well, he decided when he’d cum in the first place, so maybe, just maybe, he’ll decide it’s time to get off on a full-time basis. The only problem with that is that we just can’t have sex full-time. He’s just too busy, too tired or too sick and our schedules don’t always match up.

Like I said, something wanted things the way they have been and the way they are for a reason and it can’t be no “testing” period. For this long? I don’t think so! This spells out the word curse to me and even if Tom were suddenly functioning normally in bed, whatever’s up there would make sure that I had a problem develop. It obviously decided long ago that it’s either me or who I’m with, but there’s no way in hell, no matter how hard I try to see that this couldn’t be so, that I’m not sterile. I’ve got to be sterile. I just know it. The evidence is all too evident. But as long as he’s his stubborn, fearful, busy, sick and tired self, we couldn’t do anything about it even if God would let us.

The weekend was quiet, but today their dog did get on my nerves. Especially when I was hanging out clothes (the dryer broke), cuz the clothesline is right by the wall that divides the two yards and therefore, I was standing just two feet away from the damn dog.

Well, it’s either that or the music. God’s not gonna allow me nothing at all to have to listen to and a dog can be fanned out and it can’t wake me up. I’m not gonna give them the reaction they want by doing anything to them or to the dog, cuz that’d just bring back the music, then things would get real ugly, and I’m not going to jail for a bunch of selfish assholes. Even if I didn’t touch them, but just hurt the dog, someone could see me, but if they didn’t, they’d know it was me, then I’d be in hot water and get arrested.

Sometimes it even barks more than the two dogs do at this time of year, so I can only imagine how the winter will be. From now on, I don’t go out back unless I need to. Not with dogs on both sides of me to have to listen to, even if that old man’s dog doesn’t bark too much, then kids screaming on monkey bars. They haven’t been around much, but as soon as it cools down they will be.

At this time, I’m pretty sure it’s that guy I saw talking to some other guy that’s moved in there. A woman wouldn’t use a few boxes to move in, cuz you know how women have way more shit than you can put into a few boxes unless you’ve got lots of computer-related and electronic stuff like Tom’s got. There is a chance that this person and the dog could be there only temporarily, but that’s a long shot. Their weekend company and the car that lives there have been quiet, so I know this dog has got to be for me as a trade-in for the music. That’s why I’m not doing anything about it, besides the fact that I don’t want to get arrested. I can compromise.

Since no one here lets their dogs in their houses, what do they do with them? I mean, they just sit outside with no love or attention and are abandoned all day and night, so what do they do with them, other than feed and water them and clean up their shit? Maybe this is another reason we don’t have a kid? How would it sleep? I wouldn’t think it would do so very well with their dogs, the two dogs, and with them slamming their car doors 3-4 feet away.

We went to Red Lobster yesterday instead of today, but there were two more people than we expected. Mary and Dave went, too, and I’m glad they did, cuz you know I really like them a lot. Dave was his usual joking, laughing, funny self and Mary and I had hamsters and cages to talk about. She sure was grossed out, though, at the sight of my lobster.

I was the only one to get a lobster. Tom and Mary got cheeseburgers, Dave got chicken and Ma got pasta with crab meat.

Ma’s face looked better than I thought it would, but her voice was very very raspy.

It wasn’t noisy in there, either.

They got a kick out of Bunny swimming in the pool, which I told them. Especially Dave. Speaking of that, we filmed him today, but aren’t too happy with how it came out. It’s not enough of him swimming and he sort of ran into the wall and out of view. Next weekend, we’ll shoot again and it’ll be sent out by the end of this month, if not sooner.

Today was horrendous at Dr. Nielsen’s office. He’s taken on many more patients (that’s why his rates have dropped) and we had to wait nearly an hour in the waiting room, then another half hour in the exam room. It was ridiculous and I’ll never see him again. He said my ear looked great, there wasn’t much to clean out, and that I can go a year before my next check-up, as long as I don’t have any problems.

Then we went to Andy’s. His door is a perfect match for our door frame height-wise, but the width is a half-inch short. Tom says, though, we could make it fit OK. David’s now in CA, but when he returns, since he’s the only one we know with a truck, we’ll call him to haul it over here.

So, we chatted with Andy for a few minutes, then left to check and see if they had tubes at Walgreens. They didn’t, as we figured, but there we got a video cassette for filming Bunny.

Then we went to Staples, which is an office supply store, and got a video mailer, and manila envelopes and I finally photocopied my drawings for Larry, Tammy, and their families. They’ll each be getting 29 drawings. I’m sending all Tammy’s to her in a manila envelope and I’ll enclose a few in each of Larry’s letters. That’ll take 10 envelopes.

Then we went to Jack-n-the-Box and came home.

While we were on our incredibly long wait for Nielsen, I told Tom that I felt the happiest I have in a while and that I felt we’ve been getting along great since we haven’t had sex. He disagrees, but I know it was all an act just to disagree with me and perhaps even to make me feel guilty so I’d go back to that so he can play his games. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I don’t have somewhat of a bummed feeling every so often over the fact that I know we could never have the kind of sex life I wish we could’ve had, as well as a child, but hey, it didn’t happen. It just wasn’t meant to be. If we start with the sex again, nothing will have changed. Our sex life settled into being what it’ll always be about a year ago and God made his decision about the baby when I was born, so why go do something that’s unfulfilling and that brings about so many problems and arguments?

Later...

Back again to having mixed emotions about his mom. Appointments for me and her have not only kept him from getting enough sleep (this is what I meant when I said we are a family of 3), but it’s also gonna cause us to put our lives on hold. He still hasn’t done anything to obtain that loan for the bed or the supplies to fix the roof (hopefully, and the fucking thing’s leaking now cuz it’s storming), and he puts off enough stuff on his own. She and her problems won’t help this, but somebody’s got to take care of her and Steven and Carol are out of state, Dave and Mary both work, Ray and Nora don’t care and David and Evie have two little kids.

Tom’s worried about her, though. Today they took a bone marrow sample to be tested and Tom thought it was quite a coincidence that a blood doctor who’s also a cancer specialist, had to be the one to do it. He said all the others who were there in the waiting room were there for cancer problems. The doctor’s going on vacation for two weeks and she has to wait two weeks for results. I think that if the doctor suspected she had cancer, he’d have said so, and that she wouldn’t have to wait two weeks for that. Tammy said that if they suspected she had cancer, they’d know in a day or two and call her. She also said that he might want to call them next week and demand results. It just doesn’t seem right for any doctor to do any kind of testing (especially if he suspected anything bad), leave the sample there for two weeks, then come back and test it, then call her with the results.

It doesn’t look like we’ll be picking up with sex again. Again, he says he wants it and a kid, but I still say he’s full of shit. As for me - well, it’s one thing to sit and wish for a normal sex life and a kid and another to know you’re not fated to have that. So, as much as I wish things could be different, I can’t say I’m anxious to return to a screwy sex life that only causes problems and more fights. When you can’t change something that’s bad, it’s best to get rid of it if you can and decrease the amount of problem-causing things.

Yesterday Tom told me he was miserable. It kind of went without saying that it was over not having sex, even if I didn’t buy it. I asked him, then why he hadn’t appeared to be so miserable and why hasn’t he spoken up about it? His excuse was that he had his way and I had my way. Well, he’s told me before about things that didn’t make him too happy, so why wouldn’t he this time? Cuz maybe he’s really not all that miserable after all, huh? I still say he’s got zip of an appetite for sex, and zip of a desire for a child, and that he’s enjoying every minute of this. Well, I hope he enjoys it a lot more than he did playing sex games and teasing and lying about what we did in bed each time and his deliberately not cumming much. Our sex life peaked and settled into what it was gonna be the day he first came. It was never going to change anymore, and I didn’t like the way it was, so what can I say? I mean, I liked his going down on me and when he was in there, but is it worth it? Is it worth all the other shit it entails? No. It isn’t.

It looks like tomorrow will be the day that we go to Red Lobster and that she visits, which I’m really looking forward to. The only shitty thing about going on the weekend is that I know that restaurant will be full of screaming kids since no one cares to teach their kids proper behavior. Yes, it’s certainly a kid’s world out there now, whereas when I was a child, it was an adult’s world.

Oh, and I can’t believe I forgot to mention this, but the day we got Teddy Bear’s new edition, our phone bill came. Tom took one look at it and said he no longer felt bad about the $40 from Mary. Apparently, airports charge an outrageous fee to call collect and it was $21 for 8 minutes, but only $6 for Bob’s collect call for 12 minutes.

Well, today I got two unavailable calls just a few minutes apart. The first one, I just picked up the receiver and hung it right back up. I picked up the second one on the second ring and it went dead. Yeah, someone’s gotta be playing games, but Tom disagrees.

I just saw a black guy talking to a white guy at the end of next door’s driveway. I don’t think I’ve ever seen either one of them before and I wonder if the black one is the one that owns the maroon car and is living there now. He seems nice, from his cheerful expression and the way he talked and kind of reminded me of Steve. He doesn’t seem like a music blaster and he does seem the type to respect others and care about not bothering others.

In Kim’s last letter to me that I recently got, she said she thinks she and Walter are done cuz the age difference is getting to him. That’s too bad. I told her, though, that if you truly love someone, you accept them, age and all, and that maybe he never really truly loved her. She also said this is the first time she’s gonna be dumped and not the dumper. Wow! It was 50/50 with me, but I think I spent much, much more time rejecting offers than getting dumped or dumping others. Most people that either dumped me or that I dumped were those I was friends with. Not lovers or playmates.

Yesterday and today were pretty funny with Bunny and Piggy swimming. Bunny can get out by way of the stairs, but Piggy has to either be taken out or at least put on the wall that divides the pool/spa, then he can hop out from there.

Today I put Bunny in and I began with him in the middle of the pool by the wall. He swam down to the far end, saw he couldn’t get out down there, so he turned around and swam up to the steps and got out.

Yesterday, though, I had Piggy in (I had him in today too, but he wasn’t nearly as funny as he was yesterday) and thought he’d just want a quick dip to refresh and clean himself, then go home. Nope, he wanted more than that. After the first dip, I stuck him on the wall, knowing he’d be OK for a while cuz he was wet. Well, he didn’t exactly stay there, that’s for sure. A couple of times he shook himself and slipped off into the pool, but more so, he leaped off into the pool! It was so funny to see him keep diving off into the pool till he got tired of it.

I’m looking forward to this Sunday. Ma’s gonna take us out to Red Lobster and come here to see the wall art and animals. Tom says he’s pretty sure she wants to see the wall art most of all. Wow, that’s nice.

I have an update on Ronnie and Larry, but I’ll write about it later.

Later...

OK, let me finish up with what I have to say about Ronnie, then I’m done with that bastard, I’m sick of hearing about him and talking about him as well. He was an aggressive, macho piece of shit I always loathed.

Ma called last night and asked me why I wanted to send this letter. I told her I had my reasons, then she said to please accept her request that she’d like me not to. I said I would respect her wishes, but then I asked her how she could have anything to do with her brother if she knew he hated her own daughters. She said she doesn’t. I don’t know if she’s lying, but if I knew for sure that she respected and cared more about his feelings than her daughter’s, yes, I’d be upset about it cuz that’s not very fair.

The point is, is that after we hung up and I thought about it, I felt embarrassed for myself, and knowing how long it took me to gain any self-respect, I asked myself why I’d even want to bother with someone like this. Well, I don’t. Anyone who has to hang onto shit that happened a decade ago and ignore you for so long isn’t worth it.

The only thing I did was mention to Larry when he brought up how Ma should’ve called Ronnie over something I can’t remember, was that it was too bad that the past couldn’t have been left there and that there was never any contact for so long, but since it’s been that way for so long, it’s got to stay that way and I know that. It’s not like we squared our problems with each other away 10 years ago, then kept in touch and I explained all this to my folks and to Tammy, too.

Anyway, Larry’s still pissed off at Tammy and at mom and dad for the way they seem so insensitive and like they just can’t deal with his loss. Other than that, he was putting in a new dishwasher when I called and other than his grief, he, Sandy and Jen are OK. Sandy was at her mother’s when I called and Jen was in Virginia Beach for a couple of weeks with a friend.

I was so happy to hear Larry tell me that it was to be 40º tonight there. Not only cuz it was so funny, but cuz I miss my cue to give him my laugh at his shitty weather and he even seemed glad to hear it. I told him I didn’t mean to sound selfish, but that I looked forward to him having happier days. Not just for his sake, but cuz I miss our jokes and giving him my crazy laugh that he always loved.

Got an email from Marla and she asked me to zap over my songs again, cuz the last time she went to check them out and reply to me, her system crashed.

She told me she enjoyed the beach, then something about Charlotte. I don’t personally have anything against Charlotte and she never did anything to me. Maybe that’s cuz I do know she does have a big mouth and therefore, I’d watch what I’d say so it wouldn’t get back to my mom, but Marla hates her. She said she accidentally said hi to her when she was shucking corn. She thought it was Natalie or someone else. Then she said she said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say hi to you. I thought you were someone else and as far as I’m concerned, you’re dead.”

Then she said Charlotte said, “I know you don’t want to talk to me.”

Then Marla told her she’d talk to Shelly and Scott, but not her.

All’s still cool with next door. A few spurts of about 2-6 door slams here and there, but that’s it. I hear the dog, too, in spurts, but it’s like that old man’s dog. Meaning, it doesn’t bark nearly as much as the two dogs do.

Even though I’m now happy to know that that’s not Mike living there, he was doing their yard work, as I said, so she still didn’t believe the letter. I knew she wouldn’t, but I couldn’t resist.

The phone’s ringing now, but I’m ignoring it. Nothing but sales calls and Andy at this time and Andy and I just exchanged messages. He just doesn’t get it, as far as my not wanting so many calls goes. This phone company is so fucked. When someone leaves you a message, that also has voice messaging, it says you can hit 8 to reply, but it tells me I can’t reply to non-subscribers. But he is a subscriber.

I just checked the box and this is the second unavailable in a half-hour's time today. Even the pushiest sales calls aren’t made on a daily basis, so I wonder if it’s someone we know who’ll know it’ll just say unavailable, but neither of us has any enemies that I know of. Any enemies I used to have are from years ago and they’d have to find out I’m married and my name somehow, so I don’t know what to make of it. I did pick up on one of those calls once and it was some long-distance phone company and they said they wouldn’t call the same number daily, but most of the calls don’t ring long enough for me to get to the phone. The consistency of the calls, combined with the fact that they only ring 2-3 times, makes me wonder if it could be someone from the past. The only one from my past that I had problems with who knows where I am and my name would be Jenny C. But if she’s working sitting behind a switchboard all day, bored out of her mind, why would she bother? She never called every day and let it ring 2-3 times in the past. I don’t see how it could be Fran, either, cuz it wouldn’t say unavailable. When she and Larry, then Larry and I discussed our talking, writing and my sending her that phone certificate, I knew deep down, and Jenny knew, that she never intended to call in the first place, so I’d think she wouldn’t bother calling this way, either.

Anyway, Tom’s still got a very bad cough and if he can’t cough this up in a few days, he’ll go to a doctor. I kind of wish he’d see one anyway. A check-up couldn’t hurt, it’s been a while since he’s had one, and maybe he could get some answers as to why he’s sick and tired so much of the time. Then if he fixed that, and were awake and healthier more often, God would step in and do something else to steal our time away. Again, why does God have to stick problems with sex or a not frequent enough sex life on top of my having to deal with the fact that I’ll never have a child? Can’t he just leave all to be well and good in bed? He sterilized me, so what’s he worried about? And even if I weren’t, God can do anything. So if he wanted me childless, he could make sure nothing ever hooked. Guess I just gotta keep on paying for the attitudes of the Jews thousands of years ago.

Earlier, I told Tom, “I know you love to disagree with me and I know how stubborn you are, but notice how much we’ve been getting along better since we haven’t had sex. This way I can’t say you’re playing games and I don’t have to worry about there not being enough sex, either.”

Naturally, he disagreed, but he tried to soften it down by saying, “I’m not disagreeing with you just to disagree with you, but that time we got all frustrated with setting up the new cage (I’ll get to that after), we both took it into consideration that I was sick, so we didn’t push it, but hadn’t I have been sick, we probably would’ve fought more.”

I’m not saying any marriage is perfect or without arguments of some kind, but before, most of our squabbles were over sex and a kid. And even though us fighting over sex and the kid wouldn’t change things, without the sex, there’s no fighting over that.

Then I asked him what he wanted to do, A - keep going without sex, or B - accept the fact that after over 3 years we just weren’t meant for a full-time, normal sex life or a kid and just deal with it and take what sex we can get when we can get it. He said, “C.” Damn this stubborn, unrealistic, bullshitting, arrogant, joking husband of mine! Of course, C means more sex and also, of course, he still thinks I’m OK. I still don’t know if he really believes I’m OK or knows I’m not, but doesn’t want to admit that to either him or me, but still, why is it that he too, wishes for the impossible (whether or not the things he says he wishes for are true or not)? The only difference is, is that I know my dreams are impossible. He may too, and I still think he might and also that his heart isn’t in what he says he wants. Yes, God has the final say over what someone wants, but if he wanted sex more often, he’d have put forth more effort a long time ago for that. So like I said, if full-time normal sex hasn’t been the case yet, it’ll never be the case, and the same goes for the kid. Things like that don’t suddenly, or even slowly, change in this day and age. God and Tom, but mostly God, made up their minds on how things are always gonna be about that.

I talked to Tammy earlier, but first let me say this - obviously this deal with Lisa and her chorus and solos which was very hyped up cuz she would’ve sent the videos of it if it were just as she said it was. I think Lisa sings OK, has great potential, and did have a solo but not as grand of one and as many of them as Tammy claimed, and like I said, she and Lisa gave two different stories about that Broadway thing. I know my sister. When she can’t brag about something wonderful going on with her, which isn’t too often with all she’s gone through and continues to go through, she uses her kids to get attention by them either being ill or being involved in something wonderful. At least she’s doing better than our mom did. Better to falsely brag about your kids or to exaggerate something going on with them that’s good, rather than to talk bad about your kids and cut them down to others.

She claims that Sarah got a legit modeling offer and that they’ll represent her for a year. She doesn’t know what’s going to be going on, though, as far as what they’ll use her for. She said it could be magazines, movies, etc. Tammy said she is a beautiful child who’s very photogenic. Well, I hate to say this and this is something I’d never dare tell my sister even if I was pissed at her and I know I could be wrong, it’s just a matter of my opinion, I haven’t seen but two pictures of Sarah and not her in person for many years, but I really don’t think she’s that beautiful. I’ve seen lots of beautiful children on TV and in magazines and Sarah doesn’t look anything like these children. I still hope that this is for real and that it does work out, cuz I want Sarah and all of them to be happy.

Tammy said that yes, when Mom and Dad die, they will be buried in MA and that she told Mom and Dad that if Ronnie’s there, she’ll shoot him herself. Good for her! Yeah, I meant it, too, when I said that if he’s there at their funerals, I’ll personally remove him myself and maybe even kick his ass.

Later...

Yesterday we got the cage I’ve been wanting for Teddy Bear. Mary was a little off on her description of what it entailed, though. It does come with a wheel and 2 of the 4 holes don’t have connectors. I forgot that there’s a side hole too, so you can connect it to other cages. I have it connected to Mary’s cage. The new cage is great, and I love it, but we need a few more straight tubes to run up to the upper levels easier. I also got a hideaway, too, and it’s nice.

Play City makes 3 different cages with different designs and originally, I was gonna get the other one they make (since I have two), a maze that you can attach to these cages, and another male hamster. Now I’ve decided that I’ll drop the maze. I mean, I’d take it if one fell in my lap, but I don’t think it’s all that worth it. Instead, I’ll get that other house and one of those black gerbils I saw and liked. They’re about the same size as Teddy Bear and they’re not nocturnal. So when I’m up at night, the gerbil would be crashed, but Teddy Bear would be up. When I’m on days, Teddy Bear would be crashed and the gerbil would be up. I don’t see why they couldn’t get along and live together. If a guinea pig and a rabbit can, why not a hamster and a gerbil?

The reason I decided on a gerbil instead is for the variety and cuz of how Gizzy-proof I realized this cage is now. What with the way it’s now set up with that floor tube running down, there’s no way something with a tail, which can jump so easily, could escape.

Also, I know Tammy is not only hurt by the fact that Larry hasn’t contacted her since she saw him in January and over the fact that Ronnie’s been such as asshole who’s been living in the past, so I’ve decided that if I can bring about or restore any more peace in this family, great. If not, we and Ronnie will just continue to ignore each other. So, I’ve typed a letter for Ronnie and am mailing it to my folks and asking them to mail it to him. I hope that just this once, they’ll consider my feelings over his and get it to him, but I don’t know. I’d feel like they cared more about his wishes than their daughters if they didn’t get it to him, but I have to respect their decision.

Should they mail it, give it, or read it to him (I enclosed our number and address), I’m also curious as to what reaction/response I may get over it, but I highly doubt there’ll be any. You never know, though, cuz I didn’t expect that card and candlesticks from Marty and Ruth.

It was a quick letter and I told him my two points were that I was sorry that we’ve had problems in the past, but that they’re also in the past forever, and am sorry we haven’t been able to keep in touch here and there over the years. Same shit I went through and let Marty and Ruth know. I also told him that what happened with him and Tammy is none of my business, but that I was disappointed to know that they couldn’t have at least said, “Hello. How are you?” to each other last January.

I emailed Tammy and let her know about this and also left my folks a message about it, too.

Last night Ma called and said that Mary left $40 for us at her house for taking care of her hamsters and that she had meant to leave it there before. That’s a lot of money for just taking care of her hamsters and for doing a few other odds and ends! That’s really, really generous of her, but then Tom explained something to me about the way his family works and I ended up feeling guilty, too. If you mention that you’re going to buy something that some other family member is into, they give you the money. Ma’s into sewing, for example, so if Tom said he was going to go shopping for sewing supplies, Ma would give him the money for it. If Ma was into journal writing and I mentioned that I was gonna go get some, she’d give me the money for them. This is weird, but I wish I knew this, cuz if I had, I’d have never mentioned being about to buy that cage to Mary. From now on, though, I’ll watch what I say. I asked Tom if we should give some of the money back, but he said that when someone gives you something, you should politely accept it. Well, that sure was very nice of her and I’m grateful and we’ll definitely use it for the cage, as I’m sure Mary hopes and expects I will.

Once again, this intermittent sex really sucks. I know it’s just a matter of a week or two before something else comes up to steal our fun away. Even if we didn’t want a kid, it’s frustrating to have to settle on taking what we can get when we can get it. And even if I were OK, getting me pregnant would be like my trying to shoot a cigarette out of someone’s mouth with a bow and arrow from 40 feet away. Babies are made by constant screwing and getting off consistently, so we wouldn’t even have a slim chance if I were OK.

I wasn’t too thrilled with something Tom said last night. He said to take care of myself so we’d have more opportunities for sex, but then he turned around and said he knew I’d been doing well after I said I’ve been fine and I’ve been taking care of myself. Well, if he knows I’ve been fine, then why haven’t there been enough opportunities? Cuz he and God don’t want there to be and cuz Tom would rather indirectly pin it on me and cry no opportunity. I can tell he enjoys this, too, no matter what he says. It was like he had a smirk on his face last night, enjoying every minute of my bitching about our situation (not that that’ll ever change it), but I still know that no matter what he says, he still doesn’t want a kid that bad, isn’t nearly as horny as I am or most others are and like the sex in spurts.

Well, if we’ve always had full-time sex on a part-time basis, we always will. And if I still haven’t gotten pregnant in this day and age, I never will. He’s the one that needs to take better care of himself. He’s the one who’s had 3 colds this year. He’s the one who’s tired a lot. Even Mary said that he was never like this before, so that convinces me even more that something up there wants to keep us from a full-time, normal sex life. And it’s usually when I’m mid-cycle, too, and cuz I’m sterile, why is it acting like I’m not? Why have it so the cards usually fall out in a way that keeps him from cumming at prime time? I know a part of it is Tom’s own individual fears and doubts, but still - it makes no sense when you’re sterile and if Tom’s so sure due to experience that he gets off more the more he screws, then knowing that, why doesn’t he put more effort into screwing more? He’s gotta be afraid of something.

Other than that, things have been fine with us and this week, we’ll be seeing Dr. Nielsen on Thursday and we’ll also be going to get the cage, to the library, to photocopy my drawings and hopefully to measure Andy’s door. I also hope that next weekend we can film Bunny and I got Home Video’s address last night. I think they said that all tapes must be in by October 1st for the new season, but the sooner the better. And also, the pool will be too cold by mid-September.

Later...

I just gave Shelly a call. She sounds much better than she did the last time we talked and she really is a strong and brave one. If it were me in that situation, you know I’d just want to give up and curl up and die, but she’s still sure that there’s a Mr. Right out there for her. Even after all she’s gone through.

She has 3 kids she does daycare for 5 days a week so she’ll keep up with that and will move soon. She’s definitely finished with Todd and she doesn’t want to stay at the house and live with her mother, so she’s gonna hunt for an apartment, till she can get her own house.

Not a peep out of next door yesterday and I don’t expect I’ll hear much today, either, what with how the weather is. It really stormed like hell from about 3 AM till sunup. It’s still drizzling out now, too. It’s really cooled the temperature down, though.

Tom just left to go see if his ma wants to go to church and I expect he’ll tell everyone like he said he would, what I did earlier. When I was little, my brother and sister dared me to eat a dog cookie and so I did. It wasn’t that bad, but I’d never tried one of those pig/rabbit pellets after all these years. So, I tried one and it was so gross! I ran for the sink and spit really fast. Meanwhile, Tom got a kick out of it and was laughing his ass off.

Tom was explaining to me all about his stock options at work and how he’d know when it was the best time for us to move. Yeah, that’ll be like 5-10 years from now.

He has some different kinds of Bibles around here and I asked to see them when he gets better, cuz I want to see if they can give me any sense of understanding of my situation, although I highly doubt it. Not much in this world makes sense or can be understood, and I think it was meant to be that way. He was also explaining more of this pay for the sins of our forefathers’ shit and according to him, it’s not a Jewish relative of mine I’m supposed to be paying for that fucked up in some past generation. It’s cuz the Jews from thousands of years ago were supposed to have had a bad attitude and stopped believing. Oh, so I can’t have a baby cuz the Jews of 4000 years ago lost faith? That’s sick. Totally fucked up and sick. I thought God was supposed to be for people having freedom of choice. Some freedom and choice I’ve had throughout most of my life, huh? Still, if God wants people to choose their own ways in life, shouldn’t that include whether or not to have faith and whether or not to have a child? It’s my body and my life, so why can’t I choose what the hell I do with it?

Like I said, I believe in God. I believe there are both good and evil forces, but I don’t know if they’re both from the same origin or not. I don’t know if God is both evil and good or if God’s good and there’s an evil devil at work. But if God’s the evil party, too, then he’s got a real problem and people should re-think and re-evaluate their views of him. And if he’s not, and if it’s the devil’s work that causes a woman to be sterile and all the other bad things in this world that go on, then what’s the matter with God? Is he a wimp or something? Why can’t he overpower the devil? If he’s the master in the sky, then what’s the problem? He can’t destroy the devil? Or won’t he? Or is it him that’s got a lot of the devil in him by his own free will?

In one of the books I was reading, this guy was saying how it seemed more than obvious that God doesn’t care and there’s something up there that has the sick capability to laugh at a much-loved baby choking to death on something. Yeah, I believe that. I really really do. And I also believe that something up there is laughing really damn hard about my sterility, too. Each time it really gets to me, and on those days that can be worse than some when it really has me emotional, is its happiest days where it’s laughing so hysterically.

I still don’t believe this sterility is to protect me from what a child can do to our lives, cuz if God can do anything, you’d think he’d know how much I wanted a child, give me the child, then make sure I could handle it, but no. So, that’s how I know this is a curse. If it were meant to help and protect me, I’d think I’d be OK with it and not have such hard feelings over it. Something up there’s trying to hurt me. Curses hurt and whatever it is, it wants me hurt by this and this sterility is meant to hurt and it does. Some days are worse than others, but this is no “let’s protect and help and save Jodi and her husband from the terrible forces of a child” thing. This is a punishment, fully intended to make me feel all the emotions I’ve ever felt about it.

So, when are we ever gonna have sex again, I wonder? Yeah well, I’m just so sick of this sex in spurts thing and I don’t care who is or isn’t at fault. It’s not a question of who is or isn’t to blame. It’s a question of my being sick of the fact that I can depend on my own self for sex, but not my husband. That’s rather sad if you ask me.

Once again, if something up there wants to act like there’s a pregnancy to dodge most of the time, so will I. I’ll help it out by making sure I’ve got something that hurts or that I don’t feel well the next time I’m in the prime time that doesn’t even exist for me. Why not? I may as well play along in this game, too.

I changed Teddy Bear’s cage around again and I can’t wait for that new house! The one that Mary has a couple of. It’s bigger and it’s got a hole on the side of it so you can feed them treats. I’ll want to get a wheel to put inside it, too.

Later...

I just talked to Mary cuz I wanted to ask her how much these cages normally cost, where the best place is to get one, and what they come with. Unfortunately, they don’t come with any wheels or tubes, but they come with ring connectors. The rings that connect the tubes to the house. These are very different than the rings used to connect tubes to tubes. I’m really looking forward to getting this house and it not only has two tube extensions on top, but one in the floor, too, so it’ll go straight down into the aquarium.

No naughty freeloaders on door-slamming frenzies this weekend, but guess what? I was wrong and Tom was right about something. Mike isn’t the one who owns that maroon car, apparently. Tom kept saying something about a brown car (it’s gray, though, as my husband’s colorblind). He said he saw him doing yard work yesterday and that this gray car is what he’s now driving. So that’s why it’s been so quiet. Well, Mike’s been quiet, too, but whoever’s living there, isn’t Mike, unless he has two cars. So that time I saw a white car and a Jeep, must’ve been while Mike still had the Jeep and was visiting, then he must’ve recently got this car. So that explains the dog suddenly showing up that doesn’t fit the description of the kind of dog Mike said he was thinking of getting (although, I still wouldn’t be surprised if this dog wasn’t bought in regards to me), and the U-Haul and the boxes. Cuz like I said, he never used those to move in or out before.

My belief is that whoever lives there and owns the maroon car is a female. It’s almost always a guy thing to go blasting car stereos. This could be a good sign, too. If it stays as quiet as it has been since this person moved in, then this may mean that they’ll stay quiet and be less likely to party, unlike Mike would have. Also, if they do stay as quiet as they have been since last fall, I want them to stay there and it looks like that’ll be the case, cuz why would someone get a roommate if they were planning on moving out so soon after? This will also hopefully deter Mike from returning for good, cuz it’s a 3-bedroom house. Therefore, if it’s a roommate there or a relative, you figure that the kid’s got one room, she’s got another, and this other person has the last one. Not that Mike couldn’t sleep on the couch or with her, but things may just very well be OK after all.

Another reason I think it’s a friend or relative who’s a female and not a new boyfriend is cuz Tom said he saw him doing yard work. So, if it was a new guy, why would Mike come to do their yard work? That’s something that guys usually like to do, so I’d say it’s her and some other female in there. I don’t know if she doesn’t drive cuz she’s afraid to like I am, or cuz she can’t afford a car, but my guess is that with a house and a kid to support, she can’t afford a car and that’s why she’s got the roommate. To get rides from this person and to share expenses with them. I haven’t seen this mystery person yet, but maybe one of us will.

Mike was here today too, and he was quiet, so yeah, I really think that everyone that they know conspired to swap the music for the dog. As soon as they see they’re not getting the reaction that they expect from me, I wonder what they’ll do then, cuz it’s not just this roommate that’s suddenly quiet. It’s him and any company that they have, too.

Yesterday Tom had a fever but is doing better. As long as he doesn’t overdo it, he’ll be fine till he gets his next cold in September.

A few days ago, Andy left us a message saying we could have his security door (I don’t know why), but he said it’s in his carport and we can just go get it, or else he’ll have his landlord haul it away. I’ve been wanting one of those, so we’re gonna measure our door frame, then go measure his door, cuz if it doesn’t fit, there’s no sense in us hauling it over here. We’d have to get someone with a truck to haul it over here if it’ll fit. I hope we end up getting it, cuz our front screen door is an old beat-up piece of crap that’s torn badly.

My lighter with the pretty picture of a cactus died, but I managed to peel it off so I could tape it in the inner cover of my journal for decoration. I also taped in cute pictures of a dog and a cat. The HS sent me an appointment book.

After having my little computer world the same setup for so long, I finally made some changes to it. I made copies of my games and put them on my desktop. I picked out pretty icons to go with them and it looks nice and colorful. I thought it’d really obscure my wallpaper pictures, but it doesn’t. You can still tell what pictures are behind all the icons, which are evenly spaced both horizontally and vertically across the screen.

Right now I’ve got some old tapes playing of some old funny fights with Fran and Nervous. Boy, did they love to fight like kids for so long! I played some for Tom earlier, too.

They’re still behaving next door and if things stay peaceful for another week or two, then I’d say it’s safe to assume that things will be OK and that yes, they got the dog in regard to me.

Tom said that yesterday he thought he heard some car doors, although he heard no voices or music. Yeah, he probably did. There’ll be more company with him there.

I should’ve screamed at them a long time ago. Sometimes, asking a person something nicely just doesn’t cut it and you’ve really got to let them have it, in order for it to sink in, even if that means using your fists.

I know these kinds of people, though, and I know they got this dog that I finally got a glimpse of, on account of me. It’s a bigger dog than I thought it was. Its bark sounds like that of a small puppy, but this is a medium-sized dog. Maybe a beagle of some sort, but still, imagine getting a dog just cuz you think it’ll piss off your neighbor? They might as well just stick it in our yard, cuz they don’t even give a shit about this dog. No one in Arizona does. All they do is leave them outside 24/7. Yesterday, I was out in the afternoon when it was well over 100º and I heard a few barks a couple of times. That is so cruel!

Anyway, what I meant by saying I know these kinds of people is that people like this don’t stop doing something that pisses off people without going and doing something else. There’s a reason why the music suddenly stopped and why the dog came at the same time and right after I went off on them, too. They had to have said to themselves, “OK, we’ll shut up with the music, but if she thinks we won’t replace it with something else, she’s wrong.” I know they had to figure that a dog would get on my nerves, cuz I remember asking Mike if he had a dog and was telling him about the two dogs next to him. At that time, he was mentioning getting an expensive dog that couldn’t bark and that’d certainly not be going outside. Well, this is no expensive dog, it does bark (even if it’s a joke compared to the two dogs), and it is certainly outside all day and all night. As long as those two dogs exist here, no dog can bother me like those dogs do. Those two dogs bark constantly, but this one doesn’t (I’m sure that must disappoint them, too).

Still, these people are doubly cruel. Cruel to leave it stored outside all the time like an old piece of furniture, but even more cruel to get a dog, not cuz you want a pet to love and to care for, but to use it against a neighbor. Still, this is a fine swap over the music. I wonder, though, when they see that I don’t bitch about their dog, which I’m sure they’re anxiously awaiting so they can have a damn good laugh, will that mean they’ll return to sticking the music on me? Well, if they do, I’ll put a stop to it. Trust me on that one.

Once again, though, what with the weekend now here, I’m nervous, but not as nervous as I was last weekend. Each weekend that passes without any outbursts, I’ll relax about them more and more. It’s been great not to know they exist except for their car doors, also in regard to me, I’m sure. In the past, they’d never go in and out of their car. A couple of nights ago (and I know it was his car and that they had no company, cuz I can just tell), they played musical doors and slammed their car doors about 4 times. I’m sure that this weekend I’ll hear 20 door slams, too, but again, I’ll take that or anything over the music. If that stereo wasn’t so bassy, that’d be different. Then I could deal with it a whole lot easier.

I don’t believe this fucking shit! Tom’s got yet another cold. What’s he gonna do? Get a cold every two months? How convenient, too, that he gets this when I hit mid-cycle. As if he’d rather come up with some excuse as to why he can’t screw at such a scary time for him, rather than play games. Once again, I sit here and I wonder - does he really have a cold? Or is he just acting? And how much of this is God-related?

Even if he really did want more sex, and I know he doesn’t, there’s always one thing after another and he’s always got a problem. I may have a screwy schedule, but there’s no way we could have sex regularly if we both wanted to, cuz there’s always something right there to make sure that we don’t. Is this my punishment for the letter? I mean, I just cannot depend on this man for sex. I can depend on him for food, to pick up my meds, and other things I need, but not for sex. It’d just be so much easier if we could be on our own sexually. Like I said, the sex with him is getting old, it’s too damn predictable, it can’t make a child, so if I just took care of my own damn self, I don’t have to worry about any game playing, or him or God interfering, and this can be done regularly.

Tom says he thinks it’s cuz of lack of sleep that’s brought on this cold. You can’t get a cold after only one or two days of lack of sleep. I know what it is. He’s so sure I’m fertile, that he’s scared shitless and feels that this is his only way to avoid sex. He’s also trying to spare me the grief of reality being further rubbed into my face, too, by avoiding sex now, but that much I can appreciate. All this worry over nothing, though. If he’d just quit being so stubborn and so obsessed with his games and with disagreeing with me, and see that I am truly sterile, he’d have a lot less stress hanging over him and he wouldn’t have to worry so much and make up excuses to dodge this and dodge that. There’s nothing to dodge. Therefore, I don’t know why he and God act like there is something to dodge most of the time. Every now and then God and Tom allow Tom to get off at the right time, but most of the time they both act like there is a pregnancy to avoid. Tom’s fears are totally unfounded and a part of me wishes he would get off 5 days in a row at the right time for many months, so he could see this, but he’s just too damn scared to. And he’ll never admit this, either.

I just went and looked and from what the journals say, Tom’s last two colds were in March and June. So every 1-3 months he’s gonna have a cold, huh?

Later...

For the first time in my life, I wish drugs didn’t come with the complexities they come with. I always thought that those who turned to drugs were wasting their time and only hurting themselves, cuz drugs don’t solve people’s problems. However, what about those whose problems don’t or can’t get solved even sober? Not taking drugs didn’t make me the singer I once wanted to be. It didn’t give me the woman I wanted. And it certainly won’t unsterilize me. So, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be nice to take something that’ll bring up your spirits and mood while calming your emotions. It’s not that simple, though. Where would I get the drugs? What drugs would I take? Where would I get the money? What would I do about its addiction and side effects?

Nothing’s ever that simple. There are simple facts, but never simple solutions or simple answers. My being sterile is a fact, but there’s no solution to fix that. There aren’t any sure answers as to why, either, but only theories.

Tom always says that life will go on no matter what, but it hasn’t. It has, being the fact that we’re still both alive, but it hasn’t. We get new gadgets and things like that to improve the house, the computer, the animals, things like that, but that’s where life stops. I can be with Tom for the rest of my life and get new things here and there, which is great. I can always do my hobbies, but is there anything else after this? No. Not at all. We’re gonna get this bed, but what does it mean? It means feeling a little more normal since most couples do sleep together. It means having the convenience back of being able to walk right up to the side of the bed and lay down. It means being able to have a nightstand by the bed, instead of a little shelf. But does it mean more sex and more normal sex and a child? No, of course not. No way. Nothing else will change. Life will still go on with our lives being exactly as it has been - sex in spurts, problems with sex, sterility, his job and my place in the house. The only difference is that we’ll be sleeping together. Sometimes, though, he’ll have to sleep on the couch, cuz us sleeping together means me being woken up by his snoring every night. Therefore, I’m gonna need to catch up periodically. He understands this, though.

Later...

For the last few days, I haven’t heard any car doors from next door, but I’m sure he’s still there.

Earlier I did some reading, played some computer games, listened to music and just now, I rearranged Teddy Bear’s cage again.