I still can’t seem to have a discussion with Tom these days without him snapping at me or getting impatient. I always commended him for being so tolerant and accepting, but lately, it seems he always has a problem with me. Most of the time I try to either ignore it or walk away when he starts getting huffy with me, but enough’s enough! I wonder why he even wants me around if I’m making him so unhappy. Since I’ve expressed these frustrations of mine before, it’s obvious that nothing will change, so I better learn to adapt to his ways. There’s no violence or kids involved so I can get used to it. I’ll just try to avoid him more often and talk less. I’ve tried to change too, and not do or say things I think might bring out his irritation and impatience, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we talk if I don’t seem to get something he says right away, or if I say something he disagrees with, etc. It’s really frustrating, and of course, talking to him hasn’t brought a response like, “Hey, I’m sorry. I’ll work on it.” Instead, he counterattacks me, saying how much it bothers him when I use racial slurs. When I asked how come it didn’t bother him when I use words like butch and fem, he said it would if I used them in a hateful way and I’m like, after all I’ve been through, how can he not expect me to feel the way I do about welfare bums? How can he still say he doesn’t judge by groups? Can’t he see just how many of them are fucked up assholes? They’re vindictive losers stuck in the past. Nonetheless, I said I’d work on it, but did he say he’d change his ways? No, because he has no intention of changing, I’m sure. Besides, he always turns the gripes on me. If I were to say I was pissed at him for 3 different things, he’d conveniently find 3 different things to be pissed at me for.

I’m going to be playing a joke on Mary. I’ve copied in some dream segments from back in ’99. I didn’t tell her they were dreams I was documenting, though. Instead, I’m making like I’m telling her things that are going on. She is going to be one confused girl!

He sent Meagan a text message and she sent one back saying, “Hell has begun,” but didn’t elaborate, so we don’t know what she means by this.

I got my first Spanish text message today. I kept hearing this beep that I thought was the computer, but then Tom got in with my med refills and said it was probably my phone. My message was an ad for a new messaging center. I hope we don’t have to pay for these sales calls too often as much fun as translating them is.

Anyway, this is day 3 of seeing no spiders. It’s amazing. It truly is. They’ve never gone away on their own before once they started showing up every day. If I now have the power to will spiders away, then it’s a wonderful gift from God for sure as you know how much spiders creep me out!

All the houseplants are doing well and showing signs of growth. I still can’t believe I ever got interested in things like dolls and plants. I don’t know what shocks me more; the things I got interested in, or the things I got uninterested in.

When I think of how seldom I’ve heard music in this house since I left jail, as opposed to when we first moved in, it makes me wonder if the music was really an omen or something. It’s like something was saying, “The people you’re reminded of when you hear this base aren’t through torturing you yet.”

Those damn abortion protesters! They really piss me off. If they’re so pro-life, then why are they out running around killing abortion doctors and nurses? They need to mind their own business, live their own lives as they see fit, and let others do the same as well. I’m sick of people sticking their noses into other people’s business and trying to control everybody else. Everyone wants everyone else to be just like them and it really gets old. It also burns me up to hear them say it’s against God. To me that’s such a crock or else one, God wouldn’t have created such a thing as miscarriages, and two, he wouldn’t have given us the knowledge of how to perform abortions. God isn’t against anything under the sun or else it wouldn’t be under the sun in the first place.

Anyway, I haven’t heard or seen any activity at the new house. I doubt I could hear anything without being outdoors anyway as I never heard the rental when it was first hauled in and worked on from inside the house. This house is almost as far from us as Dan’s and it’s not on the edge. Tom was able to see this when he drove out to work yesterday. He says they’re almost in line with next door, but they are closer to us than to Bitter Root.

There were 4 prairie dogs barely two feet away from me today. They almost took food right out of my hand which I believe they’ll do in time.

There’s a new shoot coming up on the plant with the big leaves. It practically shot up overnight, because as observant as I am, I’d have noticed it yesterday for sure.

When I thought about my recent discovery of being able to heal and make sick, I thought I’d try and see if I could will away the spiders to delay bombing and so far it’s working. I didn’t see any spiders yesterday and none so far today either, though I’ve only been up 6 hours.

I had a dream that got me thinking. Well, I dreamt we got a summer cottage near where our summer cottage was in Connecticut. It may be nice to have two homes someday for real (in different climates) if we don’t make enough money to get a houseboat. We’d have to wait to do this when Tom was retired, but it wouldn’t matter where we lived in Arizona at the time. We could do this living here, in a retirement community, anywhere. I know there are places that get cooler during the summertime with lakes and oceans that are closer to us like Washington or Colorado, but I think I’d prefer to go to territory I’m familiar with like the east coast. I know that there, for example, the spiders don’t get any bigger than daddy longlegs. I wouldn’t want to be right on the beach like we were in Old Lyme, because then there’d be more people around and we probably wouldn’t have a cellar, but maybe something that was 10-20 minutes from the shore would be nice. The place wouldn’t have to be big or as nice as this house. We’d get shitty furniture, cheap plastic plates and cups, and have it sparsely decorated. I’d only have a few dolls that were my least favorites. All we’d really need would be two rooms. One with a couple of twin beds in it, the other with the TV and computer. We’d share the computer and I’d have a portable MP3 player. We’d get vinyl furniture so it’d be easy to wipe clean after collecting dust throughout the months we weren’t there.

I think I’d like the variety of living in two different places in two different climates. I’d like to have a few months off each year from the intense heat, allergies, scorpions, big spiders, etc. The only negative would be that we’d miss out on the monsoon season which we always thought was cool, but if we returned around Labor Day, we could maybe catch the last of the storms. The other negative would be the humidity, but we’d be spending most of our time either at a beach somewhere or indoors in the air conditioning so it wouldn’t matter anyway. We’d fly to and from there too, and use rental cars. The one thing I’m not dealing with again is either city life or the freezing cold and snow! Tom’s with me on that, too.

Later...

Tom just got in with some shocking news. He was fired! This is the first time in his life he was ever fired, too.

First of all, I still haven’t heard from either Bob or Mary. I hope no one’s been fucking with my mail, but I doubt it. I also wonder if perhaps Mary simply used me long enough to mail her stuff to her in Florida, then to mail the José letters, and has now decided to dump me, figuring I’m of no more use to her but I doubt that, too. I mean, if that’s the case, that’s the case, since people do come and go throughout our lives, but we’ll see. I’d miss being pen pals with her, but then I wouldn’t have to worry about her becoming a pest on the outs if she did dump me. Still, I think she’s just been busy exchanging love letters with her current violent criminal of choice.

Anyway, Tom surprised me by coming home just after 9:00, just a few hours after he left. At first I was like, “Now what are we going to do?” when he told me the scoop.

His answer to that was, “Well, we’re going to get a lawyer and sue the hell out of them.”

Neither of us sensed this was coming, so, because I don’t have bad vibes and have been having dreams about suing for large amounts of money, maybe this will turn out to be a good thing. The bank has 30 days to send us our $5,000 - $6,000 of pension money, and of course, if they don’t, that’s another point in our favor.

The bullshit reason they gave him for firing him is that he wasn’t doing his job, but we know that’s bullshit since he not only worked overtime for free and did his own job, but he had to do everyone else’s too, every time they’d be too lazy to show up for work.

The real reason he was fired is that he’s not Christian. Again, this state is a haven for Christians and those of color, not non-Christians or gays. See, he had complained about some Easter events they had going on and it’s his job to keep religion out of the workplace which can be tough at times what with how damn pushy so many of them are. He says Meagan’s next (he left her a text message letting her know he’s been fired) and that they’re always firing gays.

His only concern is how to prove most of the things they’ve done wrong. He can prove some of them, like how they treated him differently from this other supervisor. The first thing he’s going to do is file discrimination charges to not give off the impression that all he’s after is money, even though he is, then he’ll seek out a lawyer, but only if they’ll agree to take on his case without receiving any money unless he wins. How easy it’ll be to get someone to take his case will determine just what the chances are of us winning anything. One good thing is that the bank already banned religious festivities before Tom lodged his complaint. It’ll be a little while before we can get a lawyer, though, since the discrimination charges will have to be investigated first.

Andy had warned me of how conservative Arizona was, and now I’m like, conservative? This state’s beyond conservative, it’s downright prejudicial. Nonetheless, we’d be happy to be shit on and discriminated against if it’ll make us money for once and not get one of us thrown in jail. God’s proven to be a very compensating God, so maybe he’ll turn the tables for us and let us gain from people’s hatred and vindictiveness for once if we’re going to be forced to deal with it. I mean really, all our lives we’ve suffered on account of other people’s shit, so a little profit would really be a nice change of pace, and to tell you the truth, I’ve been having feelings of approaching some sort of turning point in life, and as long as it’s not a bad one, like my being framed for someone’s murder on another planet, then fine.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to prove all the overtime Tom did for free since they’re the ones who keep all the documentation. We may have to have their records subpoenaed to prove even more wrongdoings.

From what Tom read, it’s a cut-and-dry situation and it looks like they’re going to have to be really stupid to fight it and draw the publicity to themselves and not reinstate him. If they do reinstate him, he’ll have to take the job back so he can still try to sue them. Them reinstating him would be an admission of wrongdoing in the first place. It’d be better if they were dumb enough to fight him, though, as that’d up our chances of winning big. Most people are stupid, so we’ll see.

Meanwhile, he said that if worse came to worse, he’ll just get a new job in Casa Grande.

“But with a serious pay cut,” I said.

He said, “But if I work two jobs, I’ll be working the same amount of hours I worked at the bank and get the same amount of money.”

“Yeah, but we don’t want you to be married to your next job either,” I said.

He said, “But at least I’d get paid for it.”

How true!

I just hope this is a good thing and that God won’t once again protect our perps. I really do hope we can sue in the end, even if it takes time. I always did have the feeling I may one day be involved in a lawsuit or close enough to it since the person involved would be my husband, and that if any money was won, it’d be a huge amount. Like hundreds of thousands or even millions. Then, instead of buying a kiln and spending my time making dolls, I’d just buy all the dolls I wanted and spend time doing things like maybe water-skiing, visiting other countries, getting a tummy tuck, maybe whacking off this turkey neck, and more. If I can’t have this in the end, at least I can dream. It sure would be funny, though, if we ended up rich from suing the bank before we got a chance to make money off this place, and the bank’s in the habit of being sued, believe me. Lots of people have sued them.

I’m just glad I don’t have any bad vibes, and since I’m primarily a doom psychic, I guess that’s a good thing unless God’s blocking me from sensing any pending trouble so I can be caught off guard and unprepared.

I’m just glad that if this had to happen, it happened after the freeloaders got the hell out of our lives. It wouldn’t look good for him to start a new job elsewhere and have to take monthly days off. Either way, perhaps it was just time for him to move on, and knowing how much easier it is for him to talk than to do, maybe this is what it took to get him to move on. Every time he said he was going to look for a job in Casa Grande, I was like, yeah right! He doesn’t usually do things unless he has no choice. Same with the sex. In 50 years from now, he’ll still be saying he wanted to screw all along, and I told him this.

“Yeah, but now we have no excuse. I’m not working 6 days a week anymore.”

He’ll find one. Besides, even if we did screw, we’d just do it a few times, then a long time would pass where we didn’t, so I’d rather not bother. I’m content with fantasy for now, though a part of me is still bothered that I’m not bothered by my lack of desire to get it on with him. It also bothers me to know that my feelings don’t seem to bother him, but they never did when it came to sex so why should they now? Most people would feel horrible to know they turned their partner off in the way he used to with me, or horrible to know when they at least left their partner unsatisfied, but he didn’t mind. In fact, he seemed to find it rather amusing. Lastly, it still sometimes bothers me that he expects and assumes unfair and unrealistic things of me. An example of that is how he expects and assumes I’ll just say “what the hell” and stay celibate for the rest of my life simply because he’s not interested and can’t come out and say so. If he’s not interested, that’s fine, but he shouldn’t expect me to never get it on with a woman if I met one worth playing around with just because he’s the way he is. While he certainly has the right to be the way he is, so do I. I doubt I’ll ever be interested in getting it on with anyone, but my point’s still the same.

Still, like most people, I also love to fantasize about what I’d do with lots of money if I had it. Wouldn’t Jamie at the doll store be shocked when she asked, “Ah, you’ve come to learn to make dolls after all?”

And I’d be like, “No. Actually, I’ve come to buy about 50 dolls, so get your order forms ready.”

Anyway, we’ll at least be set till September if he doesn’t get a job somewhere till then. I just hope that whatever happens, it won’t mess up our allowance too much or screw us out of the fences and kiln, but see, that’s something God would do if I’m as right as I seem to have been about him not wanting me to do what I want to with my life. It’s like he’s been my worst enemy. Wouldn’t let me sing, wouldn’t let me be a mom, wouldn’t let me have a woman like Kate, wouldn’t do a lot of things. We’ll see, though. Maybe, just maybe, the tables really are going to turn in our favor and we really are going to be compensated for our hardships, though I know I can’t count on that. If I were smart I’d tell myself that all that will happen is that Tom will be told he doesn’t have a case, not because they don’t believe him, but because he can’t prove it, and he’ll just get a new job in Casa Grande and we’ll be set back in life for the millionth time. And believe me, I am so sick of the setbacks and the way people use and abuse us and get away with it!

Tom didn’t get the pictures. Obviously, he was either too busy or there were too many people around. He was going to take pictures of a particular plant in the building that’s just like mine, only bigger. I wanted to see what it looks like, but I’ll just wait and see when our own grows.

A few evenings ago it rained hard for 5 minutes, then sprinkled the next evening. I was surprised as it’s a rather unusual time of year for rain.

I haven’t been working on my story, but I’ve been catching little typos and discrepancies that I’ve been fixing.

Last night I heard some really weird sounds coming from under the house as I sat in my office. My first guess is that it was either caused by a snake or a rodent, but I don’t know cuz it seemed like something bigger than that would’ve had to make the sounds, but nothing bigger could be under there. I haven’t seen any holes leading under the house big enough for something like a rabbit and it certainly couldn’t have been a person messing around under there. That’d be a dangerous thing to do out here in the dark at this time of year what with all the snakes and scorpions we’ve got here, and they’d have to rip the skirting off to get under there, something I would’ve definitely had to have heard.

I changed my mind and decided not to get the Leptoprin for a few reasons. For one, Tom doesn’t want me taking it since it is for the significantly overweight. Secondly, I don’t want to spend money on something like that at this time. Lastly, I said I was going to accept myself as I am and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Being chunky won’t kill me, and if I ever do want to lose more weight someday, I’ll probably do it by not eating every other day. I won’t starve more than one day in a row, though, or else my body will think it’s starving and will start eating my muscle.

The last bomb treatment we did in here was worthless. I don’t know if it’s because we used 3 bombs rather than 4, but that probably is the case. I’ve been seeing spiders every day. Fortunately, though, they’re fairly small. We probably won’t bomb till around our anniversary when we go to Red Lobster. If they were big, we’d bomb as soon as we could.

Mom gave Tom her famous $20 bill during his last visit which sort of surprised me. I added half of it to my allowance which is now up to $20 (I’ll be ordering a few mugs by our anniversary) and am planning on getting an assembled fairy with my membership discount with half of our anniversary money which will be $25.

Tom said I must be slipping because Mary seemed healthy enough. Well, just as soon as she pisses me off again with either her big mouth or her camera, she won’t be.

Later...

I went out and looked and there is a hole by the master bath big enough for a rabbit to squeeze through, which is what Tom and I both think is what made the racket. He’s heard it too, and rabbits are big enough to make such noise and they’re also nocturnal. How cool it’d be to have an X-ray machine that’d allow us to see what was under all parts of the house!

The car’s on the fritz, as usual, so Tom stopped at Wal-Mart for a part he needed and grabbed a plant watering can. It’s a pretty one with pink flowers with a gold handle and spout.

We’re now using the little tape recorder I got for messages to each other that we don’t feel like writing down on the board. I told him I still might use the thing to leave notes to myself, so I’ll leave those in Spanish so he won’t be confused, thinking I’m talking to him when I’m really talking to myself.

Tom should be sending me a text message anytime now to tell me if I got any mail. I hope the only reason I haven’t heard much from Mary lately is because of money shortages or all the commotion around her and not because my being a potentially dangerous kind of psychic has scared her. I know some people get spooked by those who can predict things, heal people or make them sick, but I can’t help my abilities any more than I can help my height. It simply is what it is, but I try to use it within reason. Meaning, I’m not going to strike every human being in the world sick just because I can. If no one’s done me any harm, then there’s no reason for me to be harming them. Anyway, I’m sure she knows better and that’s not it. I’m sure she’s just too stressed or waiting on commissary money. That’s why she hasn’t sent stamps yet. And who knows? Perhaps she thinks my abilities are cool.

I think I accidentally forgot to replace a racial slur in one of her letters too, which I usually change, not because she couldn’t handle it, but because we’re living in such sensitive times and you never know how the people checking the mail might react. Then again, the East is much different than the West. Meagan and her girlfriend are supposedly moving to Massachusetts cuz they’re sick of how Arizona treats gays. They have shit for rights out here. Like I said, the West isn’t very kind to gays and Jews, but it’s a great place to be of color. Except for Texas. Texas has no place in its heart for naughty welfare bums.

I’m going to have so many unused minutes on my phone come July 15th, that I might give the number to Paula after all so she can call me with her man/law troubles. I mean, I might as well use what I pay for. First, though, I want to see if her calling the old number just to get a disconnection message prompts her to write a letter for real.

Now for the biggest news of the day. There’s a new house across from next door! It looks identical to the one further out that came in a few months ago. It looks to be a 3-bedroom. I’m psyched about the value it adds to our place, but again, the more people, the more potential for trouble and noise. They’re bound to be white as it’s a brand new house so that cuts the potential for music, but I am a little leery of their dog. Once they move in and deposit it in front, which is facing us, it could get a little noisy at 450’ away. Without woods, you gotta get closer to 1000’ to lessen dog barking, but there’s a good chance that I may hear it and their kids even over the louder computer fans we now have, and I should definitely hear them outside, just like I could if the renter’s kids and dogs were making a ruckus if I were out there. So it’s one of those things I have mixed feelings about. The more people, the more money, but the more people, the more dogs and music I have to listen to. However, there are only so many houses that can be noisy to us as opposed to in the city where you’re closer to so many more houses what with the way they’re packed in so tightly. You can’t put more than one house per acre out here whereas in the city the average spacing is something like 4 or 5 houses per acre. We do suspect, however, that there are more houses coming on that lot because of the way this house has been placed so close to the edge of the property sort of between us and next door, and because Tom said he saw other stakes in the ground over there. I doubt they broke it up into 1-acre parcels, though. My guess is that there’ll be 2-4 houses in the end. As for privacy, they don’t steal much. Only if we were out by the north side of the house would we see them well. From the living room window and my office window, I can only see the front door and one living room window. From Tom’s office, you can see a bedroom window, and from his bedroom, you can’t see it at all. I thought they’d be in plain view where we park our car and trucks, but nope. Can’t see them at all, thanks to our giant mesquite tree. It’s the one that ultimately ends up in front of us that will eat our east-side privacy. Even so, I am so not ready to listen to their dog in here which I know damn well I’m going to be forced to do so they better put some value on us! At least we know what to do if anyone turns out to be a significant problem. We’ll either put up with it or get out. We sure as hell won’t be writing city letters or complaining directly to them. I’m not going to jail for anyone ever again. Arizonans cannot handle complaints. You could even get shot for it out here like that guy did that bitched to this other guy because his cattle were traipsing through his land regularly. He not only shot him, but he torched his house as well.

In my next letter to Mary, I’ll be asking how badly bleaching her hair damaged it. We’re going to be dying our hair during the July 4th weekend. Tom’s going to be dying his blue and he’ll want to dye it to a normal color when he goes back to work. I’m either going to dye mine purple or blue or maybe go with a dark brown. If the bleach is going to fry the hell out of it, then I’ll go with the more normal color. If I kept my hair the same length, it wouldn’t matter. Then again, if I did end up frying it, it wouldn’t kill me to cut it to the middle of my back what with how fast it grows. My hair would now be to the crease between my ass and legs if I hadn’t trimmed any of it since I left jail.

Tom’s at work now. He’s going to be writing up one of the lazies that was out twice last week, making him have to do their work for them.

Tom said it rained really hard for about 5 minutes at 4 AM and asked if it woke me up. Nope. Never heard a thing and I slept with the fan on low, too. I sleep with it on low when I’m sleeping more during the dark hours and on medium when I’m sleeping more when it’s light. This is to help drown out the prairie dog’s squeaks.

I see a lot more roadrunners making runs for prairie dogs lately, but I only saw one get caught once and that was last year, I think.

That same baby black snake came to see us yesterday while we were watering (one of the bougies has started to bloom!). This is the one that jumped up on the steps with Tom. I misunderstood him about that, too. It didn’t jump up on the bottom step from underneath, it jumped from the side up onto the top step as he stepped onto the top step, then it slithered on down the steps. It’s a good thing these kinds of snakes, which I think are king snakes, are harmless because it was right by his foot. When we were watering, we were only a couple of feet away from it. It came towards us, then went into a small bush. I was standing really close to the bush trying to see it when it came out, froze a minute when it realized I was so close, then slithered into a bigger bush. From there it peered out at us. I was so close I could see the fork in its tongue. Then it left the bush and disappeared, probably down a hole.

The regular phone is now disconnected. We’re now strictly cellular. We’ve each got about 180 minutes left on our phones which doesn’t expire till mid-July, so we have no phone expenses to pay till then.

Back to being $19 in debt. That’s because Tom got his second present – a $10 shake mixer. I’m glad to get it for him, though. I know he wanted it and I wanted to use my money to get him both an anniversary and a birthday present. June 15th will be our 9th anniversary, though we’ve known each other for a decade, and the 28th will be his 46th birthday. Anyway, it mixes by the glass. Only problem is that most of our glasses are too small, so he’s going to grab a few plastic cups from the grocery store.

Yesterday, Tom had a funny experience with one of the kingsnakes. It startled him but didn’t scare him because he knew it was a harmless snake. Apparently, it jumped up on the steps with him from underneath the steps as he went to enter the house, then leaped off the steps and ran around the corner of the house.

It appears there were either surveyors or buyers out looking at the property in front of next door, so maybe there’ll be a house there soon.

It also appears, much to our delight, that all 5 of the poplars are going to make it, and maybe one of the elms too, but the Sharons, the tulip trees, and the lavender bush are history. Oh, and the bougies and olies are still alive, too.

I could see the kids in back on a teeter-totter at 5:30 yesterday afternoon. I was surprised to see them out and about then. It’s still pretty damn hot at that hour. I still don’t like the fact that there are so many kids and dogs back there. One of the things I looked forward to leaving behind in the city were the sounds of screaming kids and barking dogs, and although I can’t hear them in the house, I worry they’ll steal some of our peace once we do get pools and porches built to sit on, though they could never be as loud as in Phoenix and I’d rather that than bass thumping inside the house. I have nothing against kids, but I always thought their shrilly voices were utterly obnoxious, to say nothing of yipping dogs. The dogs out here aren’t too bad, though. Especially in a house with 6” walls. They usually only bark when they hear something, whereas in Phoenix, there were always sounds, so the dogs there got stirred up much more often. I still think we’ll eventually get one of our own, too.

I created a few Kate Jackson photo albums, but they magically disappeared, so I think that might’ve been Webshot’s way of saying “Uh-uh.” But why didn’t they just tell me so? Why didn’t they email me or something?

We got that free CD connected to that special offer where you get 10 free CDs after you buy one. The CD that came was by No Doubt. They’re a pretty good group. I ripped a couple of songs of theirs I didn’t have.

I thought there’d be a ton of stuff from Mary waiting to be picked up today, but nope, just one envelope with a one-page letter. She just said the usual – she was stressed, doesn’t know anything about the trial, etc. I guess she hasn’t been working on her book much with all the noise and commotion around her. It’s okay, though, if she only sends me little chunks here and there. Since I’m working on my own book and hope to finally start learning to make dolls within the next couple of months, I’m not exactly bored.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Bob. I really hope he got the stuff I sent him.

Later…

I did get an email from Webshots after all, and yes, they deleted the Kate albums saying it was a copyright infringement issue. I was surprised to see they really do check up on people’s albums and that fast too, since someone else has had Kate albums for some time now, but once again, that’s just more proof going to show that I can’t get away with shit. Oh well.

Tom was a couple of hours late in getting home this morning. He left a message to tell me he was finally on his way at 5:00 and to please stop making his employees sick. He knows they make me mad, but I’ve got to stop making them sick. When he got in, I assured him it wasn’t me making them sick, it was the little work curse that’s been put on him designed to make him have to work longer and harder. The only one I’ve been making sick is Mary. However, he thinks my anger towards them really is making them sick. Could be. I mean, it is an ability I do seem to have.

Wow, I had a guestbook entry left over a month ago and didn’t even know it till I just now checked. They stopped sending my weekly stats when I changed email addresses and I didn’t think to check for guestbook entries till now, after updating my account info. Anyway, she said I have beautiful dolls, come visit her site, her mother died and she’s selling off the dolls she had.

I checked out her dolls. The dolls are as shitty as her spelling, but it was still cool to get the message.

I made a few Kate albums, but there have been no viewings as of yet. I’ve been to tons of Kate sites and no one, and I repeat no one, has Kate pictures nearly as nice as mine. No one that’s made their own captures is nearly as nice as mine.

It now appears that all the houseplants have crept up an inch or so. Tom says they have the same tropical plant at work only it’s a few feet taller. He’s going to take the camera in next weekend and take a shot of it so I can see what it looks like.

I’d say the renters never did have a bunch of company after all. Two the of half a dozen or so vehicles they’ve got back there have been sitting with their hoods open for ages, so I’d say they either got old junk to restore as we did or are fixing them for someone. I never see them out much anymore, though, since it’s been really hot, so I guess it’s going slow.

My faithful red friend was supposed to arrive yesterday. I’m very rarely late for it, but at least I can’t be pregnant as I still do not wish to have such a hectic lifestyle. When you have a kid, you automatically become a slave to that kid, and after having been a slave to my parents, those in Brattleboro, then Valleyhead, then jail, plus others along the way, I only wish to be a slave to Tom and myself from here on out till God gives ownership of me to someone/something new.

It looks like one of the outdoor palms might finally be growing, and so are two of the houseplants.

Been on a major roll with my story thanks in part to my love of writing and partly due to Mary’s inspiration. I have the rest of it all worked out in my mind. Once it’s complete, I’ll write a brief summary account of it here.

As usual, two people called out of work so now Tom has to do their work for them and suffer through another very long day. See, this is what I meant when I told him that while he doesn’t have to be a confrontational bitch, being nice and tolerant won’t help either. I think they’re taking advantage of him. Perhaps it’s time to put his foot down with these people and lay down some ultimatums. Something like having only so many call-outs per month or else they’re automatically fired.

Free of cost, I joined the Fairy of the Month club online. It may be rather interesting and a lot of those little fairies are so adorable. They have kits that may be good for learning to make dolls. I certainly don’t want to start with any of the very expensive dolls.

While Maricopa residents went to report today, I went to sleep. I enjoyed every moment of it, too.

The renters are doing their outside activities in the early evenings these days due to the heat. They were burning trash this evening, plus a couple of evenings ago. This is how I know they’re out there, though I kind of figured as much. Indoors with the windows shut, I couldn’t hear anything.

The single silhouette I did on the wall by my office door has faded a great deal. That wall gets more light than the one where the other 3 are. This is okay, though, as I don’t like how this one came out, or the one in the retreat.

I never did order those beauty supplies I was going to order. Instead, with the little bit of stock money we just sold, I ordered a handful of things from a gift catalog – wind chimes, border punchers for decorating stationery, etc.

I would be so stressed out right now if I had to report tomorrow. You don’t know the relief of knowing that I don’t really have to! My schedule’s all wrong for it. I’d have the pressure on me to decide if it’d be best to push myself to stay up late enough to report in the morning, or if I wanted to short my sleep and do it in the afternoon.

Of course, it’s no coincidence that my allergies have gotten worse since being freed from the freeloaders.

I still can’t believe it all happened and God let it. He let it all happen when nothing I did or was accused of justified a microscopic fraction of the sentence I got.

I got a letter and a quick draft from Mary. Damn, her mother’s warped! She tried to get Mary to have a miscarriage in the hospital in light of what the baby’s father was all about, and this much I can understand, but when Mary fell and she lied to the nurses who came running in, saying that it was Mary who insisted upon getting up and about when she wasn’t supposed to except to use the bathroom, I was like, what a sicko! And she protected the bitch, too. She protects the bitch like God protects those who do me wrong, and this is why I seriously believe she enjoys the abuse. This bitch so deserves to be disowned! We all gotta draw the line somewhere, but Mary simply has no lines anywhere.

She says the girls there won’t leave her alone. Yes, I can just imagine how the poor girl gets hounded for attention since so many inmates can’t seem to entertain themselves, and how much begging she must have to put up with. Just 12 hours in Florence and one woman wanted me to contact her sister to let her know she was in custody, while another wanted to give me her new car for bonding her out.

Although it might take a century or two (you know how long it takes to write a book), it looks like I’ll be finishing this book after all since I now have a damn good idea of where I’m heading with it. In fact, I think I just may try to either publish the thing myself (since trying to get a publisher isn’t so easy, especially with the kind of story I’m writing) or see if I can find a site online where people post their stories for others to read and give any feedback they might want to give. I don’t know if such a site exists, but it seems reasonable that one should. I don’t expect to have any luck with it or make any money off of it, but can it kill me to try?

Because I’ve decided to change it from just a love story to a love story that slowly evolves into a story of obsession and danger, I decided that Spring Romance is no longer an appropriate title for it. It is now titled Love in Disguise. I’ve also gone and changed any known names like Estrella Jail and Kate Jackson. I kept the Kate, but changed the Jackson to guess what? Johnson, ha, ha, ha!

When you think about it, it’ll be very much like Mary’s real-life story, only there won’t be any kids involved and the story will be about violence in gay relationships versus straight ones. I’d also like to kind of use part of her story that I found, in my opinion, to be particularly terrifying – the part where Justin kicked the bathroom door down that she was locked in behind. That was really scary to read that I can’t imagine actually having to experience it for real!

After Kate terrorizes me for a while, I’ll be rescued by an Indian woman. Gay, of course.

For what Mary will find the best news of all – I found her murdering, criminalistic soul mate. Well, Tom did. She provided more information to help find him but still won’t tell me why he was convicted of second-degree murder. I guess she never will, but it’s okay. She doesn’t have to tell me anything she doesn’t want to tell me.

Anyway, we got a computer print-out of the address he’s at in northern Florida and other general info, including a listing of his many tattoos and where they are on his body. He’s listed as white and looks white, but has a Hispanic name. I just hope she gets what I’m sending as I don’t know what their rules are as far as receiving computer info, but if worse comes to worst, they’ll return it and I’ll resend it in letter format.

I called her aunt, too. I got her machine and left the info on it, just in case she happens to talk to Mary before she gets my mail.

The Humane Society sent another pad and a small sheet of address labels, but still no cards. This time I got cats and dogs versus wolves.

I found an ugly 2”, brown centipede or millipede of some kind on the bathroom floor. I don’t like this – finding bugs in here right after we bombed.

The current holdup on the truck is his having trouble getting the wiring to the taillights straightened out, and one of his people at work being on vacation. They always, always have something going on with them. If they’re not on vacation, they’re calling out with various excuses, leaving poor Tom to have to work 6 days a week and us to have less time together to do the things we want to do. He mentioned me “taking care of him sometime soon,” but I just ignore this talk because I know he doesn’t lust for me any more than I lust for him (but I sure do lust for the younger Kate Jackson! Oh, how I’d love to get it on with her!).

Meanwhile, Tom’s either one of two things. He’s either been getting it on with someone else on the side, though I don’t know how he could manage to find the time to do so, or he is what he’s always appeared to be since the day we met; a guy with a barely existent appetite.

I still don’t think we’ll resort to having Dave haul the stuff for us and have to have Mary come out here too, cuz she can’t let Dave go anywhere alone. It’s like she doesn’t trust him or something. Every time we’d order pizza when I’d visit, both of them had to go get it and I’d be wondering why it took two people to go get pizza. Maybe he’s a slut or something and she feels the need to keep an eye on him. He does strike me as the type to spread himself around.

I had an awesome idea, but don’t know how I’d go about putting this idea into action. I thought it’d be so cool to make the bedroom ceiling look like it’s aglow with stars when it’s dark in there. It’d be so cool to find a glow-in-the-dark marker or something that’s invisible in the daylight or when the lights are on at night.

It now appears we’re going to lose all the mail-order plants except for a few poplars and an elm. Next spring we’ll get bigger poplars. The wind snapped them right in half. Getting bigger ones will be more expensive, but very well worth it. We need all the shade we can get out here. By the end of the summer, we should have a good idea of when the oleanders will be big enough to block out the renters which are a total eyesore. There’s a whole shitload of cars over there. I don’t know if they’ve got out-of-state company or if they’ve taken these cars home to repair them or what. A couple of them do have their hoods open. They’re not out much in the heat of the daytime.

I was watching TV last night, and you know, it really irks me to hear of certain kids referred to as “illegitimate.” That sounds like you’re implying that the kid isn’t truly human or something. And it bothers me when they introduce a woman as a single mom. Who gives a shit about her marital status? Lastly, it really irks me how they went all out and had this huge search for a missing pregnant woman. She got so much attention and that’s fine, but knowing they’d never go all out like that for a motherless hooker or something like that, really bothers me. Not even I’d get nearly as much attention. For one, God would be guiding and protecting my killer to make sure they never got caught, and anytime Tom asked the police what was up with the investigation, he’d no doubt get something like, “We’re working on it, but we just can’t get any solid leads.” Meanwhile, my file would be stashed somewhere where it was virtually forgotten about if it wasn’t lost entirely or dumped.

I just hope there isn’t going to be any divine interference as far as getting the kiln goes, but I know that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be, and if not, it won’t. That’s why I know not to bother praying; because God’s already got his mind made up as far as our destinies go.

Tom and I had a pleasant evening together. We chatted, did things around the house, and played with the rats. They sure were happy to be spoiled with both of us being present!

He’s going to his ma’s later on today and will see what he can find out as far as what Doe and Art may be sending, but more importantly, what might be being sent to them. If he can’t get it through to them that my life is none of their business, nothing can. Again, perhaps she hasn’t sent them a damn thing, but I will feel so, so betrayed if I find out she has. And pissed. Especially after I asked her kindly not to, explaining that what she saw in the restaurant was only their public faces and that after living with years of abuse, any contact with them would make me very uncomfortable. But I know you can’t ask most people shit. Not even the simplest, reasonable things. People are always going to do what they’ve got to do. If she is filling them in regularly, why would she put these people, whom she only met once and doesn’t know from a can of paint, before her own daughter-in-law, her son’s wife? And of course, Tom will defend and make excuses for her if we find out she has been sending updates.

I’ll just sit and wait to find out what we can and hope that whatever she does tell us is the truth. She could very well say she hasn’t sent anything when she really has.

God, how I hate how my folks always, always have to know my business! I mean, what are the odds of them finding out about the freeloaders’ warrant from where they are? About the same as the odds of a pig coming out here to discuss Tammy with me with a warrant out there after having no police contact for 10 years, save for the time the freeloaders called the pigs on us. So once again, God made sure that such freak odds allowed them to know my business because as Tom agreed, the pigs would have mentioned the warrant to Tammy after she called to defend the man who was supposed to have abused her and beat her daughter. They’d have mentioned it as a means of “consoling” Tammy, by letting her know they were after my ass anyway.

It’s like they’re still a part of my life, even with me way out here and after I’ve ignored them and cut as many connections as possible. And I thought the welfare bums were a case of always with me, always with them! I wish I could find out I’m just being paranoid, but I very rarely get this paranoid without a valid reason. Besides, I already know from past experience that they’ve taken lengths to keep tabs on me before. I don’t know why my business is so damn important to them, but it has been in the past, so I don’t see why that’d change. I know I shouldn’t give a damn, but it really bothers me to know that these people could very well know every time I pee! I totally regret giving them mom’s address, and sending them emails and regular mail back when I did this. It makes me wonder who I’ll come to regret giving my number and address to next.

Well, at least they can’t do anything. I’ll just keep that in mind. They can get pictures of my fat face that I don’t want anybody seeing, they can hear that I’ve been jail-free like a good little girl for a couple of years now, but they can’t do anything. At least I sure as hell hope they can’t, and I better hope I’m not missing anything here cuz these people are only 71 and 72. Young enough to do anything they might be able to do that I can’t foresee. They’ve easily got another 10-20 years left of their sorry existence.

In the past, I didn’t bother putting spells on them because I was just so indifferent to them, but maybe I should. You bet your ass I’ll be spelling his mom if I end up hearing anything I don’t want to hear! In that case, I’ll want nothing from her. Nothing. Just her immune system.

Later…

Tom assures me I have nothing to worry about as far as mom or Mary sending them anything which is fine because I can’t keep worrying about it. I have to live my life. They have no power or hold on me and they never will again.

I’m going to go work on my story. I think I’m going to kind of take Mary’s idea, which is a good one. Only instead of there being a jealous psycho trying to come between Kate and me, I’ll still turn Kate into a psycho, but maybe have another woman rescue me from her in the end.

After the groceries, I had dropped to a debt of $9, but now it’s up to $19 cuz I got Tom a present that can be for either his birthday or our anniversary, both of which are next week. It’s software for searching for all kinds of things like MP3s, movies, etc. I may also get him a shake mixer that blends shakes by the cup.

I just got a 15-pack of big manila envelopes and when Mary’s stamps arrive, I’ll slap some on and send off the non-book stuff and the few book pages I threw in. I’m down to two stamps so I want to keep them for individual letters. If they don’t come by the middle of the week or so, I’ll get some more.

The wind snapped one of the poplars in half which I doubt will grow back, and the wildlife tried digging up one of the palms. Except for poisonous plants, we have to start getting bigger trees from now on.

I’m still $11 in debt, so hopefully Mom will give Tom one of her famous 20s for us to split, but I doubt it.

Tom missed playing his electric guitar, so he bought some guitar strings today, but first he had to repair a broken fret. I still don’t miss the guitar or keyboards all that much. My interests have totally changed, save for the singing. I still sing regularly. I also still have my big and small keyboards and my two guitars.

The site I found online agrees that I am 20 pounds overweight. After typing in a small bone structure, a height of 5’, and a weight of 125, it said my BMI (body mass index) was 24. It said I was 28% fat and should be 18%-23% fat. Also, I should be 92-104 lbs. I’d settle for just 110-115 at this point!

Tom got me my cell phone today from Verizon Wireless. I’ll be sending Mary the number to give to her aunt, but I’ll put a hold on Paula for now. It is way cool. A little complex, but cool. I can choose between 25 different ringtones, set different ringtones for specific people, and program people’s names, numbers, street addresses, and email addresses. It’s got a few games and screensavers. The screen and numbers glow a gas flame blue color, unlike Tom’s boring black phone. Tom taught me how to do text messages using the phone, but it’d be easier to do on the computer. It’s got all kinds of stuff on it, though I haven’t learned everything yet.

It’s 30¢ a minute during workdays, 15¢ in the evenings and on weekends, and 5¢ for text messages.

Summer has hit with a vengeance. The AC is now needed night and day. I expect our electric bill will triple itself anytime now.

I’m still waiting for Mary to tell me why Jose’s in jail and how they met. I mean, what’s the big secret and why didn’t she tell me about him sooner than she did? She says the soul mate letters pertain to him. Well, why didn’t she just say so then?

At least I’d never have to worry about her or Paula stealing Tom from me, not that he’d allow himself to be stolen. It’s just that Tom’s too nice for Mary and too white for Paula.

In Mary’s letter that I got yesterday, she says it’s so noisy where she is and she’s always tired. She’s now sorry she came to Florida and says she’d take the peace at Estrella over the shit she’s living with now, despite the better treatment. It really sucks that she has to live through it with no radio to help drown some of it out. I agree with her; I’d take the quiet over the better treatment. Hell, I’d take Estrella simply for the radio alone if I had to be in one place or the other.

She finally confirmed that no, she doesn’t have all the poems and affirmations, so I’m going to send her all her non-book stuff, plus some book stuff to hopefully close some of the gaps.

I still continue to sneeze and have a stuffy nose every day of my life. It really gets old, but I know there’s nothing I can do about it. At least the nasal spray keeps me from sneezing non-stop for up to 24 hours like I used to.

As I was sifting through a joke site with jokes geared towards various groups of people, I was surprised to find just how many people feel as I do about certain groups. I guess it’s just because Arizona’s so pro-minority that it makes you feel like you’re the only one that’s anti-minority, or better yet, as I should say, for equality. I was like, where were all these people when virtually every person in this state was kicking my ass with the poor, poor black shit, never questioning the blacks’ credibility for an instant? People not only exchange jokes here, but they bitch about being joked about, and then those that joke about them bitch about them bitching. Someone asked a damn good question – why are they there if they don’t like what they read?

Anyway, the more I learn about them, the more prejudiced I become. They weren’t even actual slaves in the way they want us to believe they were. They were sent here willingly by their own people in Africa and whatever other countries they came from. I’m sorry they decided they had such a rough time here and didn’t like it in the end, but then why didn’t they go home once they were freed? I guess they preferred to stick around and get revenge on us.

And I too, am sick of the reverse discrimination no one wants to address. They’re just too damn busy addressing us picking on them, whether or not we’re really even doing so. When we want to honor our white heritage or have a white TV channel or a white whatever, we’re mean, evil racists, but it’s okay for them to flaunt their color and have their black pageants, black TV and radio stations, etc.

Later…

Tom just left for work. He asked me if I had any bad vibes when I got up and I told him no. He said he had vibes about someone in his family dying, then said that maybe it was someone in my family, though we wouldn’t find out right away.

“We wouldn’t ever find out, not that I’d care to know. We don’t keep in contact,” I said.

“But I’m sure they’re still exchanging holiday cards with my mother and would send a letter there, figuring you’re still part of the family,” he said.

“Well, that’d be a strange thing to figure after all the years I’ve ignored them. How many more years of silence would they need to figure out that I’m not a part of the family? And why would I care to know who died? Like what could I do about it?”

It makes no sense for them to exchange cards when they barely know each other and when they know I want nothing to do with them. I think they’re just doing it to get information. I know that somehow, someway, they know every single thing that’s gone on in my life since I dumped them, just like I know they used Kim to spy on me and report back to them. They probably even paid her to do it, too. My folks have always been just about the most persuasive people I’ve ever known. I don’t know why they’re so damn obsessed with me and my life, but I try not to let it bother me. It’s not like they could use anything they could know against me, but I do thoroughly regret giving them mom’s address.

Tom claims he doesn’t think Mom’s answering any of their cards since she can’t write, and I did ask her not to contact them, but I don’t know. She’s proven herself long ago to be a very selfish woman who will put her own desires before others. Besides, if she couldn’t send them updates and whatever pictures they have, Mary could, which strikes me as something she’d do out of sheer spite. Mary doesn’t like me any more than I like her, but the difference is that she can’t make me sick like I can make her sick! Yes, Tom talked to her earlier and she’s still having her problems. The stomach flu was the latest. Ha, ha, ha!

You’ll never get better, Mary, never!

Anyway, I know I should tell myself that if they’ve just got to gossip and swap info – fine. Let them. They can’t hurt me. I don’t ever have to see or talk to these people again. Never again can or will they take from me or hurt me in any way shape or form. They lost that power years ago.

In other news, the renters have a ton of company but have remained pleasantly quiet. Voices can sometimes be heard outside the house, but that’s about all. There are like 6 different vehicles there right now. I still look forward to blocking them out. They take a lot of our privacy.

Later…

The more I think about it, the more of a nagging feeling I’ve got that says Doe and Art are fishing for info, and who knows how much Mom or Mary are giving them? See, what bothers me so much about the idea isn’t that I’m ashamed of anything they might find out about me or that they could use the information against me, but that they’ve used spies to keep them up to date before. It’s like an obsession they can’t let go of. Who they are also makes it an unsettling idea, too. If it were an ex-friend, lover or an old teacher, then I wouldn’t care so much cuz they didn’t put me through 32 years of hell. Having suffered so much abuse on account of these people makes it more unnerving. It’d be like Mom exchanging cards with an old boyfriend of Mary’s who abused her before she met Dave. That’s how uncomfortable I am with the idea. I wish Tom could get through to them, if they truly are answering any mail from them they may receive, that while they can’t control what they may get from them, they could at least stop writing them because of how it makes me feel. I don’t want these people to know a damn thing about me. I don’t want them hearing my name, getting updates, getting pictures, etc. There’s no reason they should get any mail from Arizona at all. They are strictly in the past. People I knew long ago along with thousands of others who have come and gone in my lifetime. They don’t need to “keep tabs” on me, nor do I wish to know a damn thing about them. I wasn’t kidding when I said I didn’t care if they were happy, sad, healthy, sick, dead or alive. Their lives are their lives and mine’s mine. If I wanted to associate with them, I would’ve called them a long time ago. This isn’t just about their evil deeds being unforgivable, it’s about keeping myself unavailable to them to abuse again. They may not be able to punish me by taking away my stereo and they may not be able to label me a nut as soon as they get fed up with my uniqueness and have me funny farmed and drugged, but I’d still have to listen to them try to control me verbally. I’d still have to be pulled in the middle of the he-said-she-said bullshit, and every time I’d hear and see them, I’d be reminded of just what they stand for and what they’ve done to me. I have enough horrible memories of them as it is. I simply cannot be connected to anyone who has harmed me the way they did. I have a little more self-respect than that. Besides, they’re just not my type. Meaning, I simply have nothing in common with them, Tammy or anyone they know.

Having spies report to them is nothing new. They used Kim as a spy and I know they’ve had their little spies in Springfield, too. Also, think they wanted me to move down to Connecticut cuz they thought I’d have such a wonderful life there? No way. They wanted me there where their favorite daughter could give them my life story. Or at least her version of it anyway. I don’t know why it’s always been so important to them to know what’s going on with me, but it’s always been that way. They always, always know my business. Always. I don’t know if it’s just boredom within their own lives that makes them want to stick their noses into other people’s lives or what, but it really bothers me. Andy was that way, too. His own life wasn’t very entertaining at all, so he made his life other people’s lives by gossiping about everything they’d say and do.

Another thing that stands out in my mind pertains to Mary. When we were over there one day, I asked her not to share our number or address or any info about us. Instead of getting something like, “No problem,” or, “Sure,” or “Okay,” or some kind of comment, I got nothing. She just kind of looked downward with a strange look. I don’t know if I could call it a guilty look, but it sure made me wonder at the time if she might’ve known something I didn’t.

Mary sent a gorgeous friendship card. It had a floral plastic overlay in front which I detached and put on a cabinet door in the kitchen. It’s cool that she can get things like that in there. They certainly didn’t have cards on their commissary list in Estrella. They didn’t have half the things they’ve got. There’s so much where she is in Florida that I’m really shocked they don’t sell radios. A radio is the ultimate escape from all the noise and commotion in jail.

Tom saw a little baby bunny this morning when he got in from work. I was wondering when we’d see baby bunnies. After all, we’ve got baby prairie dogs.

I began recording some vocals again since I now have a faster computer that can sync up with the karaoke music. Maybe I’ll still end up making a CD.

In the fall, after I’ve had a few more months to buy some of the less expensive things I want, I’m going to get these weight-loss pills called Leptoprin. It’s expensive at $90 for a month’s supply, but it seems pretty powerful and promising as opposed to most of the scams out there. I suppose the worst that could happen is that it doesn’t work and I waste even more money and stay chunky, but I won’t know till I try it. Although mostly geared towards the significantly overweight, you can use it to lose 15-20 pounds as I’d like to do. It’s not recommended for those wanting to lose as little as 5 pounds. I figured it would be worth the money if I could get the weight off faster and easier without either the painstaking slowness of a regular diet or with a crash diet. With this, I should be able to keep my usual routine of 1400-1800 calories a day, plus my exercise and still lose weight. At first I was against losing weight, figuring that if I were suddenly 100-110, my body would simply reset itself back to the mid-120s in a matter of weeks due to my age, but maybe it won’t if I watch what I eat and keep up with the exercise like I try to do anyway. See, my problem isn’t just an older, slower metabolism, it’s hunger. You get hungrier with age as well as have your metabolism slow down. It takes a lot to fill me up and when I do get full, I don’t stay full for too long. This stuff’s supposed to help suppress the appetite. Tom thinks it’s a scam and that it’ll be harder for me to keep the weight off this way, but I don’t think so. It’s all the same to me. Meaning, it’ll still be a challenge either way. I’ve found that regardless of how I lose weight, if I start eating too much, it will come back. I can crash it off, I can lose it slowly, but it’ll still come back if I start eating more than 1800 calories a day. About 1500-1600 is suitable to maintain my weight at my age and height as long as I work out. If I quit working out I’d have to drop it to 1300-1400, but I wouldn’t want to stop working out. I like the muscles and feeling firm and tight underneath this mushy flab.

The only negatives to this stuff, besides its cost, is that it causes jitters, dry mouth, anxiety and insomnia, but as long as I’m not the queen of appointments like I was for the bulk of my life, I can live with the insomnia. Besides, I’m not going to be on this stuff for too long. It’s the jitters that I’m most concerned with, but they say most of the side effects go away after the first week, according to the handful of reviews from Leptoprin users I read online. My thorough research on this product looks good, but like I said, I probably won’t get it till around the fall.

I’ve got my heart and mind set on the Leptoprin and the kiln. Not even God can stop me this time! He has enjoyed seeing me fail as much as he’s enjoyed seeing me suffer, but not this time. No, this time he’s very much on my side because he has no choice! My life and body belong to me. It should’ve become mine when I turned 18, but I guess 37 is better than never at all.

I got mail from both Mary and Bob. I knew Bob would write me back, too. I’m not going to write him as much as I used to or like I do with Mary, but I don’t mind sending letters once a month or so. He may be annoying at times the way he can talk like a typical male slut, but he’s never done a damn thing wrong to me. That much I can give him. If it hadn’t been for him, Deerfield might’ve killed me or driven me completely insane!

He sent Tammy’s letter, though the idiot fucked up and said so, rather than, “That really sucks about your neighbors,” like I asked him too, in case I read the letter to Tom. Tom was asleep when I got up to read the letter, though.

I still don’t have any bad vibes pertaining to Tammy, Teddy Bear or the freeloaders, though they could just be biding their time. Right now, though, I sense nothing. I’m not going to worry about them anyway.

Since Kim remarried and had a son, he’s only heard from her twice, the last time being 6 months ago.

He’ll be 68 this August but still hasn’t said when he’s getting out, where he’ll go, and what restrictions he’ll have to live with. He did say he contacted a total of 325 lawyers since being in there and all turned him down but one. That one, however, wants a million dollars, win or lose.

He says his sister and brother are fucking him over with his social security checks. I don’t know, I guess they’re keeping the money for themselves. What I wonder, though, is if he’s got no one, like he says he doesn’t, how does he get money without working? At least I don’t think he works.

He asked if I still sing and dance and if I’d send some pictures. He’s going to be getting a big envelope with a lot of goodies, actually. I’m sending pictures, jokes and my autobiography in which I changed a lot of names. Of course, he’ll know the bulk of my life story. It’s mostly the jail stuff he’ll want to read that he won’t know in such detail. He’ll get quite an eyeful pertaining to Teddy Bear!

He must think I’m a hypocrite lecturing him about his dirty mouth (the good old sexist in me wouldn’t care if he were a woman) after I’ve gone and sent him dozens of dirty jokes! I guess he can say what he wants, but hopefully use his best judgment. I’m not the welfare bums. I’m not gonna get all hot and bothered by words. If I don’t like anything I read, I can do the mature, adult thing and not read it. Besides, I don’t want to sound like Dureen with all her dos and don’ts, and of course, I don’t care about swearing.

He asked about Tom and told him to tell him how lucky he is to have me and that he hopes to see me before he dies.

He says he and Tina only exchanged one letter which I was surprised to learn. I thought they had become regular pen pals for a while there.

He has a gay, deaf celly he gets along with which he’s grateful for after having “9 of the worst,” as he puts it. He still sounds really miserable and lonely which is why I decided to keep in touch every now and then. No one writes him and he says he can barely breathe without guards ready to throw him in isolation. Of course, if I had to be locked up, isolation would be my blessing with the way I prefer solitude. I am not a people person, that’s for sure!

To cover the highlights of Mary’s letter – she’s happy I’m off probation, and being the compassionate person that she is, she got a little misty-eyed when reading my letter to Teddy Bear, but the piece of mind I’ve been dying to share with her for ages has been sent.

“See, Jodi, God answered your prayers,” she said in regard to the probation termination.

Yeah, AFTER 6 months in jail, thousands of dollars, 100 hours of community service, a zillion reports and then some. And all the while his precious little welfare bums get to get away with perjury and all their other evil deeds.

The letter she sent was number 6, but I don’t remember ever getting a number 5. I’m seriously thinking I’m not getting all her letters, though she’s gotten all of mine so far. Still nothing about poems and affirmations, so as I told her, I’ll assume she did get them.

She said Jose’s letters look great and that she feels bad that she can’t send me $50 (I thought she was going to have her aunt do that). I told her not to worry, and that a book or two of stamps was sufficient enough. After all, she’s my friend and I wanted to help her. She says she’ll take me to buy tons of dolls and even a kiln with money she makes from her book which is really sweet, but again I assured her that while I know she may want to do a little something for my typing which is fine, she doesn’t have to go all out like that. Besides, I really think I’m going to have that kiln way before the book’s published. See, I decided that one could do one of two things; they can either want something bad enough to do it, or they can not really want it all that bad and make excuses. Well, the truck and fences are still our top priorities which we’re well on our way to getting taken care of. After these things are done, then our other tasks shouldn’t be as big. We’ll do things like panel over the ugly sheds, fix the master bathroom shower and wallpaper that room, redo the fucked up living room mural, and add porches and decks. These are things we can do at a more leisurely pace. However, the sooner we get the truck licensed, the sooner we’ll have something to haul the fences which I’ve been wanting ever since we came here. It’s going to be way nice having something to haul large items in.

We decided our best bet would be to build a little kiln shed outdoors. Kilns can go in houses, and there’d probably be no problem, but we’d feel much better with something that gets to be over 2000° outside the house and not inside it.

This month we’ll be getting my cell phone and ditching the regular phone. The reason we each want to have our own phone is so that I could contact him, if the need ever be, with my own phone if he were out doing errands or whatever. When I asked if he got an unlisted number on his, he said you couldn’t get cell numbers anyway, and explained to me how it works. It’s nothing like a regular phone. They assign you a number and activate it when you buy the phone, but you don’t get bills or anything. You buy time in minutes. We wanted to go this route because we use our phone so little. It’s cheaper to pay for what we use than to pay for all kinds of stuff we don’t use. We’ll have Caller ID and voice messaging, though. I don’t care anymore for things like call-waiting and 3-way. It only costs a nickel to send text messages, too. You just go online, type in the number you want to send the message to, type in your message (you do have a word limit), then send it. It’s way cool.

Anyway, the prairie dogs run right up to the steps as soon as I go out to feed them. Even the bunnies don’t take off running when I go out there, though they’re not nearly as brave as the prairie dogs.

I don’t usually see myself from the waist down, but when I had the closet door open prior to bombing, I saw myself from head to toe in the full-length mirror that’s inside the door. My calves look great from all the jogging! Totally defined. Especially from the side, but from the front you can see how bow-legged I am. My thighs remain my worst physical feature being fat and poorly shaped and what with the skin folds I have around the knees (same with the elbows) from many extreme weight fluctuations.

Yesterday evening was a little expensive but fun. At 6:00 we set the bombs off, then Tom, the rats and myself took off for Casa Grande. Our first stop was Dairy Queen. Sitting there eating in the car and hearing all the city noise with one stereo after another going by made me all the more grateful we don’t live in the city! To be able to leave civilization behind and come home to peace and quiet is a wonderful thing for someone who once couldn’t help but know her neighbor’s every move.

When we hit the grocery store, I was surprised to find an Osco inside it. I ended up getting a $5 sundress with palm trees, vanilla sugar cologne, pouty pink lipstick, and a gorgeous angel figurine for $30. I went from being $17 in debt to $41, but it was worth it because we went over our $90 grocery budget. She’s 8½” seated, so she’s not too small. She has amazingly realistic detail within her hands, feet and pretty much everywhere. I don’t think she’s made of porcelain, but rather some form of plaster or alabastrite. There’s no wig on her or clothing glued on. She wears an off-the-shoulder mauve dress with pale pink wings and caramel-colored hair. She sits upon a big leaf with scattered flowers and mushrooms and has a pink floral headband. I didn’t bother to put her on my doll chart as I never bothered to chart Barbies and figurines.

The dress, which is size small, fits well. In fact, it’s even a bit big on me.

The last of Mary’s letters are going out tonight. I do so hope she gets everything I’ve sent! She should now have everything I had of hers, pictures and all, except I’m still waiting to hear if she ever did get the poems and affirmations or not. There are 60 pages of those, and I’ll mail them in a big envelope if I have to.