It seems Tom’s right so far in saying that all those wins I expected to get in January should start coming in now since it usually takes a couple of months. Yes, I got two surprise wins in the mail today. One was 3 tubes of lip gloss; one clear, one pink, one red. The really cool win was the Scrubbing Bubbles shower cleaning system. You hook it on your shower pipe and the battery-operated rotator sprays out the cleanser after the last shower of each day. You put the bottle upside down in the thing and it pierces its cap so it can go through the sprayer. It came with 4 bottles and these bottles are of a pretty good size, too. Once you push the button, it beeps for 15 seconds to give you time to get out of the shower and close the curtain so it doesn’t spray you. This was a $40 value, and the lip glosses were $6.50 each.

Tom’s also a real hit with winning Pepsi contests. This is who he won the Xbox from. He won a $20 check. Every minute they’re giving away $20 checks, so I would’ve been surprised if he didn’t win one, even though we’ve barely entered a dozen codes so far. The ones that are inside the bottle caps of the Mountain Dews I’ve been getting, that is, since he doesn’t like Mountain Dew. They have a 5-check limit, so hopefully he’ll win more.

March should be a fun month shopping-wise with the mannequin, a Tonner, a Barbie, some clothes from a catalog we got, and the sex toys. At least I can have fun by myself if we’re not going to want to have fun with each other.

When I look into the near future, such as the next 6 months, a smile comes to my face when I think of all our shopping plans, and I look forward to it. When I think long-term, however, I just want to cry. Or scream. Or both. I feel like our only long-term choices are to stay here and freeze for many more years till we can come up with enough money to buy a rural house in Sacramento, or get out of here faster, but be stuck back in Phoenix, so to speak. Back in the midst of a chaotic, always rocking city. Unless I win big time, I see no way out of having to go through the thorns before we can get to the rose. Meaning, we’re going to have to start off in the city where we’re either attached to loud, rude and obnoxious neighbors or at least close enough to feel like we are before we can get out of the city if we’re even meant to be outside of it. I’m still afraid that even if we could make it back into a rural area, something up there would just yank us by the throats and drag us back to the city yet again.

All I can do for now is hope no one comes to run us out of here and that we leave this house when we’re ready to.

I’m also looking forward to ordering the mannequin less than a week from now! It’s so hard to believe that it’s actually going to finally become a reality! I’m glad, however, that I didn’t get one 5 years ago. Not just because of all the moving, but because they didn’t seem to have any for under $400, and the faces weren’t as nice as they are now.

I decided that not only will I never write to Paula again unless I hear from her, but no more letters to Mary either until she writes me. And I still have 20 pages of the book they returned to send to her, too. I’m just sick of the one-sided friendships and pen-pals. If Paula wasn’t going to send a few bucks towards her stuff, she could’ve at least sent a letter confirming the package. She’s just so damn selfish! Why are the simplest of things so damn hard for some people??? As for Mary, she only writes regularly when she’s got favors to ask of me, but since I put my foot down on that, I rarely hear from her. Some friends I’ve got, huh? Well, when and if I ever hear from them again I’ll wait a few months myself before I respond and let them wonder just what the hell’s up with me if they ever do such a thing.

It’s been Maricopa-windy today. I’ve never seen anything like it in Oregon until today. It’s cool to hear all the wind chimes going berserk. At least the snow is just about gone.

Tom assured me that abortion can’t become illegal and explained to me how Roe vs. Wade protects women’s rights, etc. The problem with this damn country is that it’s 80% Christian/Catholic, and most of them simply aren’t like Mary who will express their opinions but will still allow others to be who they are. She’s no conversion freak. Sometimes I wish we were in some other country. Most other countries are of other religions and they think it’s wrong to try to get others to convert. They let others be who/what they are. Yet other countries don’t have luxury items and do all the shopping we do. If there’s one way and one way only that I can relate to my so-called “fellow” Americans it’s that I’m just as materialistic. Hey, I love stuff! If I didn’t know any better I’d seriously believe Dureen O was anything but Jewish! That bitch sure was one hell of a pushy control freak, but that’s why I don’t associate with her on top of her negative, abusive, hypocritical ways. Perhaps she was Christian in her last life to have had such a be-like-me personality.

Meanwhile, people will continue to accept and praise people like our lovely little crap rapper stars that kill people more often than most of us pee. That’s not even real music or talent. They’re just not true artists. All they are is a bunch of glorified gangsters. No, “ganstas” since they can’t talk right.

I still don’t know what irks me more – those who go out of their way to be like others, or who go out of their way to be just the opposite. I know I can’t stand anyone other than gays, Asians and Indians. Priests and pastors and other church-associated people make me sick. When they aren’t busy preaching bigotry, they’re molesting children.

Tom says it’s just a test case and reminded me that South Dakota’s such a cold place where nobody goes but the religious whackos, and therefore you can do crazy things like this in places like that, but that there’ll be a backlash and the liberals will overthrow them soon enough and that most places would never do such a thing. Especially since Wade vs. Roe says it’s a crime to stop women from having abortions that aren’t late-term. He assured me that women won’t lose their rights. I hope not because if they started making abortion illegal in more and more places, women would eventually lose their rights to birth control too, and a whole lot of other rights.

I think if anything that it should be the other way around and that they should be ordering forced abortions and sterilizations for crackheads, violent criminals and abusive people like Doe & Tammy. I still don’t think it’s all about whether or not it’s murder. That’s part of it, yes, but I think it’s also about control. If people can influence other people’s lives, they will. So if they want to control people then they should consider preventing babies being born to the wrong people.

They should bomb SD and show them what can happen to those who try to mold others according to their standards. That’d really scare them and make them think twice!

Oh, to win 60 grand! I’d settle for that just fine. Since temporarily being “suspended” from life and being jobless/homeless is a scary experience I don’t want to go through again, we could use 10 grand to live on till we found a house in California. With that amount, we wouldn’t have to take the first thing that was quiet at the moment, but that wasn’t set on a stage for future chaos. Then we could take 20 grand to get into the house, 10 more to get whatever we wanted for the house, 10 more to get all the dolls I want and things like new clothes, and 10 more to get a silicone doll. If anything this would be more than we’d need.

If I thought seeing headlines about the havoc the damn Arabs wreak on people pisses me off, well, seeing the headline I just saw certainly made my blood boil, too. South Dakota’s governor is “inclined” to sign a bill banning all abortions unless it’s medically necessary to save the woman’s life. That is so, so wrong, unfair and cruel! What a slap in the face of women. And this setback comes after I just read a poll saying that two-thirds of Americans are pro-choice. They won’t even make exceptions for rape and incest victims which is even sicker. Although women may continue to be too stupid to use birth control against unwanted pregnancies, and men may continue to have no willpower or self-control as far as not cumming inside the woman goes, or not cumming at all for that matter, no woman should be forced to give birth. No woman. It’s wrong and I don’t care what anyone says. It’s wrong. Period.

They’re going to have a real mess on their hands, that’s for sure. Not only are they going to make the overpopulation problem worse, but unwanted babies will be abandoned on street corners like crazy, and women will be killing themselves trying to perform their own abortions. How the hell can some say abortion is murder when the fetus has zero awareness??? If a doctor who performs abortions is a murderer, then so is someone who pulls up weeds in their yard. Why are people so damn stupid and ignorant?! We have no conscience till after we’re born. This is why we can’t even remember being born. It burns me up to see women stripped of choices and of the right to have a say in what happens to their own bodies and lives. I thought we crawled out of the dark ages long ago. Women should decide whether or not they give birth, not the fucking government, Supreme Court, president or anyone else! What is it with all these men trying to tell women what they can/can’t do with their lives and bodies anyway? I’m sick of women having to do this or do that all because some cock says she has to. These damn cocks don’t own women! When they aren’t busy trying to prevent a woman from conceiving, they’re trying to keep her from aborting. Anything to control women. They bitch about the world in general getting too overpopulated yet they want to stop abortions. How fucking twisted people are. Mississippi’s trying to pass the same law and they already have fucked up abortion laws. Women are required to have counseling first. I’d never let anyone tell me I had to be counseled for something I chose to do with my own life/body. I’d be like, it’s my life, my body, I’ve already made up my mind, so get rid of it or I will! And I would, too. On the other hand, if I found out I was pregnant when it was too late to do something about it, I’d be more inclined to talk adoption so we could save money and have a life. Besides, you gotta be on days only.

We can’t all agree on every issue there is, so why must it be one side’s way or the other? Why can’t people just do what suits them best and quit trying to control others and make them into who/what they are? Why is the world so damn black and white?! I’m so sick of people trying to force their beliefs on others. Why can’t those who don’t want abortions simply not get them and why can’t those who do want them get them while they all just leave each other alone? If abortion is such a sin in God’s eyes, then why did he give us the knowledge of how to perform it? For God’s sake, fetuses aren’t even babies! That’s why they call them “fetuses.” During the first trimester, it’s merely an embryo. During the second it’s a fetus. Only during the last trimester does it literally become a baby, but it still has no feeling or awareness. Any legitimate doctor or scientist can vouch for that. Do you remember being in your mother’s womb? Do you remember being born?

I read the comments people left about the article and they agree with me. One person asked, “What if your daughter was raped, impregnated and living in SD?”

That’s a damn good question! What’s in store next for women? Will they get their rights to vote revoked? Will they be told their husbands/boyfriends have a right to beat them? Would you want to be told you can’t get that painful wisdom tooth pulled because it’s a sin to remove something God supposedly put there and therefore you should be forced to suffer instead?

Meanwhile, the women of SD will no doubt fight for their rights back and I’m sure they’ll win too, when the people see all the problems this ban will bring, not to mention any violence that could also come of it. Most men are for abortion since they don’t wish to be fathers, and I’m sure that most who are involved in trying to ban abortion do it just to control women.

And of course it goes the other way around, too. A woman shouldn’t be denied a child if she wants one unless she’s proven to have abused children in the past. She should be allowed to try artificial insemination or invitro if she wants one and no one will let her have one, or if she’s gay, or if she just wants to go it alone. If these methods don’t work, she should be allowed to adopt.

It was never people’s opinions that bothered me so much as their actions. I learned a long time ago that if I waste my time worrying about what others think I’d have a very hard life. I don’t care if they think abortion’s wrong. I don’t care if they think gays shouldn’t marry. I don’t care if they think blacks should have more rights. It’s when they try to run other people’s lives according to theirs that I have a problem. People seem to believe they can’t be themselves unless they get others to follow their ways. I wish people would just do their thing and leave others alone!

One has to wonder if this governor has some kind of a death wish or something. If I were governor I’d never sign a ban like that even if I wanted to because too many more people are for abortion rather than against it and I’d fear for my life and that of my family, but you know how it is. It’s those in politics and law enforcement that tend to think they’re invincible when in fact it’s the other way around. That’s just human arrogance for you. I’d be afraid to be a cop because I would have sense enough to know that no, I’m not God just because I had a badge, but vulnerable because people don’t like being told what to do. They sure love to tell others what to do, though.

These horrendously loud, vibrant car stereos. That’s what they should be banning!

Someone else also wrote, “Yet they keep the death penalty.”

Yeah, people wonder why is it that it’s ok to kill killers (and I agree it is), yet a crime to remove unwanted fetuses that haven’t an ounce of awareness? It’s like you’re not a true American if you don’t try to control the world. Better yet, you’re not a true human being. Maybe we should be just like everyone else and hound the legislature to do something about these ungodly car stereos. Then we can go eat in burger joints in peace and move about our homes without it sounding like someone’s beating a hammer against the walls and doors every few minutes or so. I just don’t understand why we have laws that shouldn’t exist and laws that should exist. Why do we have laws allowing legal discrimination of gays yet no laws to enable us to live in peace?

I got the two adult star action figures and while they are fairly nice, they’re just too damn small. It’s a good thing I never got those anime figures because I know I wouldn’t want anything just 4” small. Even Barbie’s a giant compared to these dolls. I’d still love to win more if I ever won one of the certificates in the monthly draws, but it’s not worth paying for any more of them.

During the week I was off the Claritin I jumped from 121 pounds to 125 and now I’m back down to 123.

Walmart finally realized they never charged us the $130 for the bed platform and so they did so the other day. It’s just our typical luck. We never get any breaks in life. Except for the coupon I just won in an instant win game for a free DiGiorno pizza.

Haven’t got shit yet as far as the surveys go, but am I surprised? No, of course not. I may be allowed to sell things every now and then, but I’m definitely not meant to generate money regularly.

I wonder how many more months or even years it’ll be before I don’t have to see words like Iran, Iraq, Muslims, the Middle East, and Arabs in the news. Damn, it gets old! Seeing headlines about the US aiding Iraq in rebuilding their fucking shrines really makes my blood boil! I’m so, so goddamn sick of our money going to other countries when there are plenty of people right here that need it more, such as people that are homeless and forced to live in motels cuz their well-to-do relatives don’t give a shit. Can the US really lack that much self-respect that it’s willing to aid countries that try to kill people??? Well, if people are willing to put up with abusive friends, family, and lovers, why not?

It hit the 50s today. I can tell by the amount of barking and stereos I’ve heard. Yes, the drive for attention is a strong one. Another one I can’t figure out.

The 3 houses for rent in this area are still going for $800. However, if she can stay put next door and whoever rents the house on the other side can live in it rather than in the yard in between, then I’m all for staying, assuming we really can control the bugs when they wake up because not many houses go for $450. Period. Not many houses are this small and cheap to heat either.

The Asian lady sold the store where we got the bamboo plants so we’ll have to hope these last. We could order them online if need be, but I’d rather these live awhile. They really do seem to help, though I still fear it’s just a matter of time before we’re back in the poorhouse, as usual.

After a very uncomfortable cold snap that lasted a few days, we’ve warmed up to the 40s, normal for this time of year. It was so damn cold at night, though, that I had to run the heater in the bedroom continually and I was still cold. Usually, I can turn it way down when I’m asleep and buried under the comforter.

Oh, the things people do to make a racket. Big city, small town, you can’t do shit in peace anywhere! We walked up to the burger place right by where he works and were all set to eat there, but I couldn’t stand to do so to the crash and boom of some rude bitch’s bass parked outside awaiting its order, so we walked back and ate here. If I asked this before, I’ll ask it again – how the hell can these things still be legal??? Anyway, their burgers and malts are so-so, but the deep-fried mushrooms sure were good.

I got my candy from Harry & David’s today. It’s delicious. Tom will like the chocolate mint candies and the chocolate truffles, but not the chocolate Bing cherries.

I have been a bit hungrier and more congested since stopping the Claritin, so I’ll resume taking it on Friday when he does the grocery shopping. It’ll be interesting to see if it has any renewed vigor after a week without it.

We signed me up for another free email account at mail.com which I’ll use mainly for survey invitations. I’m even doing some in Spanish. I have my doubts about it, though, because so many of them either only enter you in sweepstakes or give you points that you can redeem for money. However, it takes a zillion points and lots of time to rack up enough points to do so. Some will only pay you if you pay shipping charges to try samples.

Signing in at a miserable, bone-chilling, teeth-clattering 12º. I wish I didn’t mind apartment life! To go to an apartment in Sacramento would be easy as opposed to renting or buying a house there. It may be quiet and peaceful here, save for occasional car doors next door and car stereos, but it’s sooo cold! The insulation under the house is a joke because the bathroom floor feels like you’re walking on an ice-skating rink and of course sitting on the toilet is like sitting on a ring of ice.

That car left next door shortly after I spotted it and hasn’t returned since that I know of.

I crashed at 3 PM yesterday and woke up cold 6 hours later. I thought my heater broke but found that when I went to pee the light wouldn’t come on. Meanwhile, most of the other lights and outlets worked just fine. So I went into the kitchen and heard Tom out in the utility room. We not only got a few inches of snow and are unusually cold for this time of year, but the wind was so fierce that apparently, it blew the snow onto one of the fuses. Both porches were completely covered in snow which is something I’ve never seen before. I’ve seen only a corner of it get snowed on.

I’ve been running hot water in the bathroom and kitchen sinks to keep the pipes warm every hour.

If I thought January’s wins sucked, February’s sure have been even more of a bummer. Tom thinks it’s simply too soon for me to hear about any wins from December and January. I just got a coupon I won 6 months ago for a couple of bucks off string cheese. I didn’t even know I won it and it was sent to the Shasta address.

I hit a rather insulting IW earlier. I got all excited first when it said I won a $20 Mattel toy, but the so-called toy is just a stuffed animal of a hideous, distorted creature that I can’t believe it’s even worth that much. It’s worth more than the DVD which was another one of their instants. I’d rather that than this ugly creature. It’s from some modern cartoon.

I hope my candy gets here next week. Meanwhile, I’m surprised to say that I actually did get that iPod. I really thought they were full of shit! It’s just a cheap iPod that doesn’t even have a display. It’s the Shuffle. Tom thinks it’s cool, so he’s counting it as the last of the prizes I owe him. He’s going to sign me up this weekend at a survey site for my second to last prize. Then for my last prize which will be about 8 more porn dolls, assuming I like the two I’m getting next week, and I think I will, he’ll get them whenever it’s a good time to do so. Thanks to President’s Day, we’re looking at a wimpier check.

I can’t wait till we can turn off the heaters. Oh, the savings we’ll rack up then! But sadly, we’re still 3 months away from any warmth – argh!

Well, I’ve definitely decided that cones/sticks really are the best way to go. The warmer and burner are just too inconsistent, and like I said if it’s going to smoke anyway, it may as well do it in a more efficient way. I’ll just wash the doll’s clothes as they get dingy.

We haven’t had as much snow, but it’s been miserably cold. I had started to say a few months back that this winter was snowier, but warmer than last winter - no way! This winter didn’t get as cold temperature-wise, hitting down at 7 degrees versus -7 degrees like last year, but last year the average high was in the 40s and this year it’s been in the 30s or lower. We’ve had way more days this year where it didn’t even get over freezing. I hate it here! At least it’s quiet. And thank God for this wonderful bed setup and the air cleaner being so much louder than the fan! Never have I had such a good daytime sleeping aid. You know you do when UPS, FedEx, and the regular mailman can practically knock on your head yet you sleep right through it. The air cleaner sits on the shelf that’s attached to the bed frame, so it vibrates loudly.

I just went to dump the trash and saw a gray car parked next door that I don’t think I’ve seen before and I’m like - not again! I do not want two cars living over there. They’re asleep right now. She still does most of her coming and going from 11 PM - 3 AM. I assume this is to pick up her mail, get junk food, and visit with others on disability.

I was glad to hear Tom say that the orders at work are picking up once again. The busier he is, the less likely he is to get let go. They let people go like crazy there, so he says. I would hope that God wouldn’t allow this to happen after watching us suffer through enough hardships. If he got let go, sure we could survive till he got another job, but gone would be all our extra money. See, there’s what I hope for and there’s what I expect. I hope to either win big or for him to get a huge raise or partnership or both, but I still expect to be poor and in noisy environments for the most part. I want to go to California and warm up, but I don’t want to deal with the noise, yet at the same time, I want to stay in this cold little dump where it’s quieter and where we have extra money for fun stuff.

The new cage is great. Not too big, not too small, and definitely escape-proof! I wish I’d gotten this cage from the get-go.

I’m up two pounds since I had to go and make a pig of myself two days ago. I had over 2000 calories. I don’t know why I have days like that where I’m absolutely famished and nothing I eat satisfies me. Next time I’ll wish I could binge till I puke. That’ll disgust me enough to kill even my worst hunger pains.

Since the Claritin hasn’t been working as well, I’m going to take a week or so off from it, see how I do, then see if returning to it renews its kick after having gotten it out of my system. I just got too used to it.

I’m reading a Dean Koontz book. He’s one of the best writers ever. The only thing I don’t like about him is the way he glorifies blacks and Hispanics and makes them out to be hard-working people.

This weekend we’ll be signing me up at a survey site. I’ll be one hard-working woman so long as they send me the surveys to take. I’ll try to milk it for every penny I can!

Every time I drop another pound or two my body thinks it’s starving since we’re supposed to be overweight when we’re older, and it fights the weight loss by crying out for food. I was so, so hungry when I got up that I could’ve eaten 1200 calories in one sitting! It took 1600 calories to kill most of the hunger. It’ll take a week or so for my body to adjust to the new weight.

The store in Hawaii where I ordered the Yuki figures sent an email saying they had no idea when they were going to get it back in stock and to let them know if I wanted to cancel the order. Just the other day they said they expected them this week, so I said yeah, cancel the order. Meanwhile, everyone else charges more for them so I’m getting a couple of those adult film dolls from this site that has monthly drawings where you can make one free daily entry, plus get entries for every dollar you spend there.

Things are still going well, but they could be better. The orders at Tom’s job have slowed down tremendously, I’m sorry to say. It’s not looking good for a huge salary or partnership, but I kind of figured as much. I still think we’re destined to spend most of our lives poor and struggling in noisy places. I’m almost tempted to put off the California move till he retires because moving long-distance has always been such a disaster for us. For now, I’m just continuing to enjoy the money and peace because the peace part of it may very well be gone soon. The house diagonally across from us, which also has a huge side yard like next door, has apparently sold. At least I don’t think it’s a rental. The people moved out today. This means that the dog or dogs that are inevitably going to end up there will be quite an annoyance to have to listen to whether we stayed here or moved next door. The yard is pretty much between the two houses.

A light came on next door just before midnight. At that hour I doubt they’re showing the place. The owner must’ve decided to check things out, though wouldn’t that be the rental company’s job?

The package curse may’ve been lifted from me, but not from Tom, the poor guy. His packages are either late or the contents are broken. He was looking forward to upgrading and getting a new motherboard, along with a DVD burner and other parts, but the motherboard arrived DOA and it burned up a few parts of his. Fortunately, the company he ordered it from is going to pay for him to ship it back, send him a new one, and give him a little credit. It was still quite a nuisance for him. He couldn’t use the new computer he was building because of the bad motherboard, and he couldn’t use his old computer because of the parts that got damaged. Hopefully, he won’t be put out any more than he already has been.

The Claritin still suppresses my appetite most of the time. Perhaps this is why I woke up at a surprising 119 lbs!

I still wish I knew why my wins have slowed down. I had nearly 20 in December and just 8 in January.

Things aren’t looking too promising at work, Tom says. The orders just aren’t coming in as fast as he thought they would. Yeah, I’m not surprised. I still think we’re going to be poor and living in noisy places throughout most of our lives. Why whatever’s up there has been so kind to us since moving beats me. I guess it thinks that even Tom and Jodi S need and deserve a break every now and then. But how long will it last? See, that’s the scary side to doing well; fearing you’ll get kicked back down. Especially since you’ve already been kicked down so many times before. There’s even a scary side to accumulating all the stuff we have and that’s knowing that we now have more stuff to lose, should we ever succeed in doing so like we nearly did when we first got here.

At least we know that if they fired him right now, the stuff we could sell on eBay would cushion us for a while, plus he’d get unemployment for a few months. Still, I’d rather continue to move ahead in life, not up and down and up and down like a damn yo-yo.

If there were two things I wish I could make myself do, it wouldn’t only be to keep a schedule but to love noise, too. We could buy a California house in two years if I did love noise. After I got the things on my list, we could put non-necessities in storage, then rent a room or a studio for $300 a month with everything included. We’d stop buying non-necessities altogether. Since he takes home two grand a month, we could put a grand a month towards the house, then set aside whatever was leftover from the other grand to use for fun shopping once we got into the house. If we did this for two years, we’d have enough money, and by then I could get current on whatever dolls came out along the way. I just want to get “home” in a rural place and have at least $100 a month for fun. It’s still hard to believe this will ever happen. Right now it’s looking like we’ll be city renters indefinitely.

In case I didn’t yet mention it, I managed to kill the cold within a few hours. It’s amazing yet weird how my body spits out the colds that try to set in. Is it really me doing it? Or is it something else?

Now if only my ear wouldn’t be under pressure half the time. I could live with the popping which I have 98% of the time, but the pressure really gets annoying. We still don’t think they’re connected. Tom agrees there’s nothing serious going on, but he thinks it could be sensitivity around the area where the frame was or migraines which can also affect vision. I don’t know what it is and I’m sick of trying to figure it out!

To my surprise, Webshots pulled a picture of me as a toddler in a bathing suit, saying they had to remove children that showed either partial or total nudity. But a bathing suit??? There are lots of community photos of children in bathing suits.

Got two surprise wins in the mail today. One is probably going to be useless to us. It’s six $400-off vouchers for 6 different items, mostly electronics. As Tom said, it’d be a good deal if the merchandise wasn’t so outdated and it was stuff we really needed.

The other win was a little better. It was the Cowgirl Chicks prize pack. That included 5 CDs, a sticker, a signed card by Trish Lynn, a battery-operated mini fan, 3 small pouches of cowboy Cajun seasoning (yuck), a hat, a pen, and best of all, a tin of peanut brittle. I thought these were country singers at first, but I guess they’re somehow involved in the rodeo.

We also played our last private sweeps, and both ended up winning in the end. He won a wheel and some other item he hasn’t decided and chosen yet. Me, I decided to postpone the armatures and have him get me those adult film star dolls for my last two wins, and of course he’s going to get me going with the survey membership thing, too. He just wants to wait till March when there’ll be less snow (I hope!) to make it easier to cash any checks I may get. I just hope my only choice in getting them cashed won’t be check-cashing places, because then I’d have to lose quite a bit of each check, and well, I’d be working for them, too! Nothing’s as old to me as doing for others and having them profit from me.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll like the porn star dolls. They’re the same thing as the playboys, only smaller and with molded hair.

The six 4” anime figures are on their way. They’re in rather suggestive poses, too. Much more so than the porn dolls because the porn dolls just stand in different positions. Yuki, the anime character, lays on her back in one figure, is crouched in a couple of them, though differently, is standing in one, is on all fours in another, and sits in an exercise position in one like she’s doing side stretches. She wears different molded outfits in each one, lingerie, underwear, a dress, a bikini, leather, and a bunny costume.

The really cool thing about the store I’m getting the porn dolls at is that they have daily sweeps! Plus, you get an entry for every dollar you spend at the store.

I’m getting more and more excited as Ashley’s order draws closer. Just 27 days to go! Gosh, life is one big countdown, isn’t it?

We also ordered the new rat cage earlier in the evening.

I guess evil may be on its way to being born because I saw a baby spider the other day. Also, it’s been warmer, up in the 50s.

I told Tom enough is enough of the sex talk because that’s all it is - talk. Neither of us is interested. Period. So why bother talking about something our hearts simply aren’t in?

On top of the usual ear discomfort and even feeling like I have a slight cold, the weather is terrible. We have more snow than ever! The snow’s up to the center of the wheels on Tom’s bike and we haven’t seen the grass for two months now. Just when it starts to melt, we get dumped with more.

I went out to shovel the walkway and noticed our dumpster was gone. I have no idea where it could’ve disappeared.

At least I am adapting back to cold climates rather quickly, as much as I hate them. The body has memory, so it could adapt back faster to what it knew for its first 26 years, whereas it took me 5 years or so to adapt to the desert. As quiet as it is, it still sucks that we still have another 4 months of cold weather!

Although my cold-like symptoms are very subtle, I’m determined not to let it settle in like I’ve been doing for 9 years now.

Instead of buying a new body pillow, I slit one end of the case open and plumped it back up by stuffing bits and pieces of foam I cut up. It was an all-day job that caused blistering on my finger from sitting there snipping foam for so many hours, but well worth the effort.

I got a letter from Mary a couple of days ago, but could Paula do the simple task of sending me a quick note to let me know she got the package? Of course not! And I even enclosed an envelope with a rat stamp on it so I could see what it looked like canceled out. Why are the simplest of tasks so hard for some people? God, I’d hate to try asking for something difficult! Anyway, Mary still doesn’t know when she’s getting out but hopes it’s soon. I have to wonder if they’ve been leveling with her. She says they can’t keep her there for more than 3 years. But is this really true? Or is it only what they tell her?

Got a reply from Backpacker, the people I won the DVD from that they want notarized. They say that while Backpacker doesn’t require the affy, their legal department does. Know what I think the case really is? I think the affy is just a clever way of hoping most winners won’t want to bother so that they don’t lose as many prizes. Same with the lotto Tom won.

We’ve decided to stay put at least until August. We both agree we really, really enjoy the extra money we get here and would especially enjoy the savings not running the heat would bring. I could get most of the stuff on my list! Besides Tonners and Barbies, there are these 7½” adult porn star action figures that are as realistic as the playboys. This is because they’re not sculpted but created by way of digital laser imaging scans. They’re exact replicas of their bodies, only scaled down much smaller. They’re pretty neat and while they don’t come with rooted hair, they have removable outfits. Their arms are jointed at the shoulders like Barbie’s, but they can’t move their heads or legs. There are also these Anime things made after some cartoon character named Yuki. The face isn’t as realistic, but the body is. There’s a set of 6 4” figures in different poses for $30. The average 7½” action figure runs between $15 - $35, depending on how intricate it is and the outfit.

I can’t imagine this being the case, but if next door is still empty come August, they’re going to be getting both desperate and worried, so that’s when we’ll jump in and try to get a deal. If not, I just hope no kids move in there if we don’t get the place! Or that if they do they’re either babies or teenagers. Anything in between that will call for many screaming fits in the yard, so I’d rather them be too young to play out there or at least old enough to be somewhat civilized.

Meanwhile, where are all these win notices I was so sure I’d be bombarded with after the first of the year???

The abortion rights people and pro-life activists are still duking it out. I still can’t understand the need for birth control or abortions. I’m not a man so I can’t understand how they feel or why they need to do their getting off inside the woman. I mean, if they’ve absolutely got to cum, can’t they do it in other ways other than inside the woman?

I was surprised to see a dog peering out the living room window of the house across the street 3 days in a row. I was surprised because it was not only indoors, but I don’t believe I’ve ever heard it. I really think the people who were blasting music over there when we first moved in have moved out. This would explain the reason I saw people bringing in all that stuff, including a washer and dryer. I just hope they don’t stick the dog outside all day when it warms up. The fences of many of the houses in the west wrap around to the front corners of the houses and so people going down the street would stir it up. There’s no way to keep it confined in the back of the house only.

Well, well. Grandpa Rod and Grandma Arlene have sent their granddaughter a birthday card from Springfield, Oregon with a crisp new $20 bill! Thanks, Gramps and Granny!

Then there’s also the $20 Tom won yesterday on a scratch ticket before he twisted his knee on his way to do the laundry. He didn’t actually fall down, but he started to slip and wrenched his knee while he was at it. It’s sore, but he’s still able to get around.

Not surprisingly, we still haven’t screwed. We have to “build up to it,” he says, but again, I’m just not so sure I want to. I love it when we lie in bed and chat or read together, and his backrubs feel wonderful, but I just don’t have the desire to have any kind of sex with him. I still have mixed emotions about his not cumming, too. While it would be nice of him to allow himself to do so every so often to be a little more “normal,” so to speak and to make me feel better for the same reasons anyone would feel better if they knew they made their partner feel good enough to cum, I don’t want the mess. Plus, it’s our ticket out of having to use birth control, no matter how sterile I may be.

I was having a hard time motivating myself to work out since I’ve been 122 for several weeks now, but I finally got myself to do so, reminding myself that it’s important to do it to stay fit and to keep from gaining the weight back.

I had a video card failure yesterday and Tom opened my computer to find it filthy. Not just with dust, but with sticky residue from the damn incense. After he cleaned the card, all was fine.

In spite of the snow and slush, we went out for pizza yesterday. It was a bit of a zoo, but it was nice to get out and the pizza was good, as always. His was pepperoni, mine was mushroom with black olives.

We peered in through the living room window of the house next door. I’m going back and forth between wanting that house so bad, to thinking it’d be best just to stay put. Even Tom’s tempted to just stay here till we can no longer stand it due to the lack of space (or if it gets noisy), but we both agreed to keep our eyes open. If the price is right and the house isn’t on top of someone’s yard or driveway, we just may go for it. The biggest reason we may stay put is for obvious reasons – money. From June through August when we don’t have to run the heat, I could have $400 each month for fun! That’d easily get the rest of the Tonners and Barbies on my list. Easily! This would leave tons of room for other goodies like the 2nd and 3rd seasons of Charlie’s Angels, desks, dining tables, a washer, a dryer, other dolls, more oils, and even a year of Harry & David’s Collection Favorites. For $300, I was thinking of signing on to get monthly treats delivered to our door for one year, most of which Tom wouldn’t care for, though he agrees it’d be a good deal for that price. The treats would mainly consist of fruits, chocolate and nuts. The only month I wouldn’t like would be January’s oranges. I asked if they could substitute that with honey mangos, but those are only available in May and June, so maybe they can give me peaches instead.

Next week we’re ordering a new cage. I’m sick of these oversized cages, one of which is easily escapable being a ferret cage. She got out a few days ago and was all over the place. It would’ve been fine had the little devil not dug up and flung dirt all over from the plants! This cage will be smaller, so it will be easier to clean and hide if the handyman ever had to come in here. The bars are also spaced closer together. It’s 18x11x24.

I totally believe without a doubt that we really do get punished for trying to change the way we are, even if it’s not exactly us trying to make the changes. First I get punished for them building me a half-assed ear frame in ’75 when I was 10, by causing me to have the problems with the frame that led me to the surgery I had when I was 30 and living in Phoenix where they removed the damn thing. Now I’m being punished because they built the canal while they were at it. I want to reach in and yank this eardrum out so badly! Adjusting the headphones had made quite a difference, but the last two days have been bad. Of course it’s also quite a coincidence that after I go and have braces to straighten my teeth they all start getting cavities like crazy. If I woke up tomorrow suddenly insured and richer than we are now and wanting a kid as bad as I used to, I would never have Invitro! Never in a million years. I used to think such procedures were okay or else whatever’s up there wouldn’t have given us the ability to do them in the first place, but maybe they’re not so okay after all. Or at least not for everyone.

I can no longer read without glasses, which sucks, but would I ever have any kind of corrective surgery? First of all, I wouldn’t have the guts to have them slice and dice my eyeballs, but if I did – no way!

Anyway, the house next door seems nice enough for its age, but the layout isn’t the greatest. The downstairs bedrooms are directly off of the living room, and the bathroom is like this one where you have to go through the bedrooms to get to it. The carpet’s a dull beige color, but it would hide lint better than this carpet. The worst thing was the huge single-paned windows. How asinine to have such a thing! You’d lose a lot of heat that way. It was so big that I was like, gee, why don’t you just make the whole wall of glass! The windows didn’t even appear to have any screens either.

It had its pros as well. I got the impression it may be cooler in the summer, and of course the biggest thing of all is that no one’s yard or driveway runs right up to it.

I just wish I could know how long we’ll be in Oregon, as well as how long she’ll live next door, what will move in if she moves out soon, what will move in next door if we don’t move in there, etc. These things would influence what we decide. I could stand to stay here a few years, but wouldn’t want to spend a decade here as cheap as this place is to heat and what with the rent being $450 and not $800.

I went out to shovel and noticed a rather disturbing sight; a light blue car parked behind the chick next door. The amount of snow on it suggests it stayed there overnight, along with the time. Meaning that it hasn’t moved yet. She’s no morning person over there, so she wouldn’t be getting up till right around now anyway.

Last night the bedroom got rather bright as I was settling in for the night. I could tell there was something parked right outside the front bedroom window, whereas the chick usually parks by the back bedroom window. When I looked out I saw a car backing out. I thought it was visitors leaving. Then I saw someone come in and I thought it was her, but it must’ve been the visitors, and the reason their lights were on for several minutes the first time around must’ve been because they were unloading things. Whoever it is, I hope they don’t stay long. I haven’t heard anything yet, but I hear one car’s doors and that’s enough. I don’t need to listen to two. I don’t see how the hell two people could live in something no bigger than a single-car garage anyway. I’m going to hope and assume it’s an out-of-town visitor. I’ve never seen this car before and I’ve always suspected her family may not live around here because small place or not, she rarely has visitors. I’m just glad they’re not connected to us!

It fucking figures! I shovel and it starts to snow.

I won an $8 pedometer radio and got a letter via FedEx saying I won a DVD. What’s strange is that they not only want me to fill out an affidavit for it, they want it notarized! Why would they do that for a lousy DVD?

Later…

The blue car left at 11:30. A young cock was driving, too young and all wrong looking to be a boyfriend as skinny as he was. Her boyfriend’s fat like she is and drives a gold car, as far as I know. Skinny guys typically don’t go for big chicks anyway.

Two hours later, she slammed the door to her place on her way out, then her car doors twice (I could see she put something in the back seat like maybe laundry), then she was gone. After all this time I’d say for sure that she’s not working. She goes out in the late morning to early afternoon for a couple of hours, then she stays in till late at night. I assume she’s running errands in the daytime or at night but who knows? Going out for munchies? Visiting friends who are also night owls?

I’ve been hearing what sounds like a saw down by the canal or across the canal.

Got my pears and Hogan’s Heroes DVDs. Guess the guy was for real after all. He says the Mash DVDs will arrive by the end of the week. The pears are boring but edible, and I’ll probably sell most CDs and DVDs I win unless either Tom or myself wants any. Why couldn’t I have won S2 of Charlie’s Angels?! And why can’t I win S3 of that when it’s released?

We will be ordering Ashley on March 3rd. That day can’t come fast enough!

I may get another warmer sometime soon because although the burner doesn’t smoke as much as incense sticks, it still smokes enough.

The more I think about it, the more I’m not so sure I want to move. That is if we stay in Oregon. I hope I’m right about California not being meant to be this year, as funny as that may sound, and that I’m wrong in assuming we won’t move next door for $650. Hopefully, that old saying about the rich getting richer will really kick in, and besides, I can’t believe I’d ever get so lucky enough as to get out of here after just two winters.

Yes, I hate this house, the summertime bugs and the lack of space, but things have gone so well here and this place is so much cheaper. Especially if we don’t license the truck. The only thing not licensing the truck may make hard on us would be eBay. I wish I knew when next door was moving. That may influence what we do, depending on what moved in afterward, along with next door. We’ll still keep saving money like we have been so that if the bugs get to be too much and the wrong people move in, we can get out right away, instead of having to endure 10 months of shit like at the duplex. I also still fear that rural isn’t meant to be and that if we moved to the country fate would see to it that they fired Tom or closed their doors forever, forcing us to return to the city yet again. I know it’s only a matter of time before the noise curse finds us. Until we either get rich or into a retirement community, our neighbors were meant to bother us 90% of the time, like it or not. For now, the chick next door is tolerable, there are no dogs allowed next door for whenever the hell that place rents, there’s no on-street parking, no driveways across the street, it’s cheaper to heat and easier to clean in here, and it shouldn’t get as hot as the duplex did in the summer, although I’d still probably need the AC in the living room. Most of all, I really like having extra money for fun and for saving. We’ll still keep a lookout for good deals, though, especially if we’re going to stay a while. Another pro to this place is the moldings above the doors and windows. They make a great place for the Barbies, even if they’re a bit high, and this way I don’t need to get shelves right away.

I can’t believe that having a big place was once so important to me! Even if we struck it rich right now I wouldn’t get a place as big as in Maricopa since I’d have to clean all that space, although it would be brand spanking new.

It could get noisy in the summer with music, barking and screaming in the yard next door if it’s rented by then, but I don’t see how it could get as bad as the duplex.

Tom said that this German company hasn’t made any more orders, and that’s a bit worrisome because their orders are huge, but there are tons of orders lined up for next month, so that’s good. The stage is still set to rake in the dough.

I had another vibe about that green house, if it means anything at all and that’s that it was built in the 60s or 70s, probably ‘69.

Although not cured, my ear is definitely better. The headphones were certainly a factor in the pressure, which has eased up tremendously since I made the adjustments to them. It makes sense too, considering that the pressure pains started shortly after I got them, 4 or 5 months before the popping began. So the popping isn’t related to the pressure after all. The popping was never a big deal as opposed to the pressure.

I hit an instant win earlier, so Tom will have another T-shirt.

The Tonner clothes are coming today, so I’m excited about that! What’s even more exciting to know is that the mannequin is next up on my list! I should have “Ashley” by March, assuming my vibes about us not moving till May are right. If a deal comes along before then on a particular rental, we’ll postpone her so we can use the money to move with.

Tom finally got his wheel in our last ticket contest. Once we get moved, assuming we’re still going to remain in Oregon, I’ll get him that and he’ll get me the things he owes me. He’s only going to depend on them at work for so long, though, as far as any hope for more money goes, which is understandable. They haven’t even begun talking about partnerships and such, and according to him, they would do so if they were thinking about it. I still say we’re destined to be poor most of our lives. The question is, will we be able to have our cake and eat it too, by finding a quiet place in a warm climate? Will we ever even be able to settle down for more than just a few years? Because of the sweeping, and possible survey thing, I need it to be quiet more so than ever so I can concentrate. There’s no way I could do this work with people screaming right outside the window. Or blaring music, or bouncing basketballs. Meanwhile, I’m just enjoying how quiet it’s been here along with the extra money, both rare occurrences in our lives.

Anyway, although Tom can certainly see the potential the company has to make money, it’s hard to motivate people who just don’t need it. The owners got like a quarter-million bucks when their father died. When I asked why they even bother to keep the business going, Tom said it’s because they feel obligated to carry on what their father started.

Tom’s still researching survey sites and says it looks promising so far.

I spotted this site that enters you into zillions of sweeps for a fee if you’re too busy or just don’t feel like doing it yourself. I don’t know what their fee is, but Tom thought it might be cool to see if someone at work would be willing to let me experiment with them free of charge to see if it’s something I could possibly get into, though I’d rather do surveys. On the other hand, if I entered people into sweeps, I could control the method by which I got paid.

He was asleep when I got up so I scratched off one of the two tickets he got yesterday and it totaled 50. We both thought for sure he’d beat that and that he’d win his wheel, but nope. Yet I didn’t win a Barbie either. Instead, we tied so nobody got anything. Guess I’m just the grandmaster sweeper of this household!

My ear has been better since I pulled the headphone’s sealer cushion off of that side, but it’s not cured. I doubt it ever will be as long as I’m not willing to spend around a grand to do it.

It’s a damn good thing I’m not sex-needy because there’s no way he’d want it today. I’m mid-cycle for one, and I’m not going to be up before he goes to bed so he can be too tired to do much.

We ordered me a new pillow as well as the Tonner outfits I thought I’d never get. That consists of 6 dresses, 1 skirt, 2 tops, 2 pairs of pants, and 7 pairs of multi-colored sandals. The skirt and shoes are on preorder, though, so I won’t get those right away. I’m excited to be getting most of the items come Tuesday! Then my new pillow will be on for Friday. I got a foam one this time so that it can’t bunch. Sometime down the road, I’ll get a new body pillow, too.

I don’t know what the hell’s going on with OLS lately. Are they picking on me because of all the complaining I’ve done over their nighttime outages or what? I found a list of sweeps and went to submit them, yet they deleted them. They’ve been deleting most of my posts, too. Oh well.

What is it with cocks and spitting? Some cock just walked by spitting all over the sidewalk. I can’t even begin to figure these creatures out. God, I’d have been such a little cock beater had I been straight before meeting Tom. I’d have lured them to my apartment, smacked them around a bit to surprise them, then just when they were wondering what the hell was up with me, I’d have beaten the crap out of them. Guys think they’re all big, bad and tough compared to us women, then sooner or later a bitch like me who’s fed up with their ego and their shit comes along and takes them down a peg or two. I would’ve gotten such a kick out of the utter shock they’d no doubt have felt cuz remember, before I met Tom I was barely 100 pounds soaking wet. I used to horseplay with guys like Fran and Andy and flop them around like they were rag dolls, so I can just imagine what I would’ve done had it been the real thing! I just wish I’d done something to that cock that nearly raped me, but having been so caught off guard myself that night, I couldn’t do anything more than panic and run, but at least I fought him off. Of course, I can say I wish I’d done something to a lot of people throughout my life. As angry as I was at the world in general, who knows how close I’d have been to being another Aileen Wuornos if that’s really how her name is spelled. Yet as I got older my rules changed. I won’t touch anyone that doesn’t touch me, my loved ones or my property, whereas when I was younger I’d pick on just about anyone for no good reason other than that life sucked.

I can’t even go a day without seeing headlines about Iran, Iraq or Muslims. Damn, it gets old!

Got yet another DVD I won. Maybe you really do get the DVDs you win after all.

I also received a surprise win notice via postal mail from a sweep that ended a couple of days before Christmas, yet another reminder that I might not hear about my New Year’s wins for another couple of weeks or longer.

Tom left a note saying I’d hate the win, which should arrive in 4-6 weeks, but if it’s what I think it is, I don’t think I will. It’s from a site that sells fruits, nuts chocolates and flowers. I won’t care for oranges or other citrus items, but I wouldn’t mind the pears and pineapples. I won a 3-month Favorites Club Collection worth $74. I don’t know if this means I’ll get things once a month for 3 months or exactly what the items will be, so I sent an email asking about it. Hopefully, I’ll get a response.

When I think of what I’ve been eating I think I should be losing weight like crazy, but not with this metabolism. I’m obviously not going to lose anymore, but at least I’ve been holding steady. The Claritin isn’t working as well to suppress my appetite. Perhaps this is because I’m getting too used to it. Maybe I’ll take a break sometime, hope not to make a pig of myself during that time, then return to it and see how it works. For now, I’m still a fleshy 122-pounder, and it’s a struggle just to stay 20 pounds overweight, let alone to try to lose anymore.

Here are a couple of things I don’t want to get my hopes up over, but that may prove to have favorable results. At least I hope so!

I got to wondering if perhaps these headphones, which I got shortly before my ear began acting up, might be the cause of the pressure I sometimes get. Maybe the pressure and the popping aren’t connected. These headphones are a pretty snug fit, so I removed the pad from the side of the bad ear, which helps to seal in the music and keep other sounds out (unless it’s a barking dog just a few feet away from you) to eliminate some of the pressure and vibration. I also threw off the speaker balance a bit, too. So far so good, but this could be just another one of those times when I’m teased with thinking the ear’s on the mend. I’ve learned, though, not to jump the gun just because I have a couple of good days. I need to go at least a week before I’m convinced it’s tied into it. Wouldn’t that be ironic if we paid him $150 just so I could be the one to eventually figure out the cure for my problem? At least the Claritin saved us more in food than we paid him thus far.

The other thing I’m wondering might add an extra grand or so to our income is if I joined a paid survey site. I read a survey site review, and while most of them falsely promise you’ll get rich quickly, you can make a little extra money if you know who to join. I figured that just like becoming a premium member of OLS upped my wins, well, maybe I’d have better luck skipping the free survey sites, which only enter you in drawings, and paying the one-time fee that some of them have which ranges between $30-$60. As they said, I won’t be bombarded with survey invitations right away, but the more time I put into it, the more I can slowly build it up. I thought I’d let Tom check into it some more, then maybe start with one of the sites they recommended and see what happens. The only other hassle would be getting paid because I’d have to set up a PayPal account as well as open a savings account. The membership buys you into their database of companies offering money for surveys and they each have their own payment methods. I hope to do just surveys. I don’t want to download software to test or to test product samples in which I’d have to pay the shipping/handling charges.

Later…

We learned what the win is all about. Once a month for 3 months I’m going to get something different. The first month will suck cuz it’ll be 5 pounds of oranges. The second month will be great – a pound of chocolates. The third will be so-so with pineapples.

We also had our own private little sweeps again with the football tickets, and I kicked his ass a second time. If he had won I’d have gotten him a wheel. But because I won, he has to buy me a survey membership as long as our research proves it’s worth it. If not I’ll settle for a Barbie.

I am so sick of OLS’s problems! It just goes on and on, even in the daytime.

Tomorrow’s MLK Day. As I told Tom, I’d like to know why the murder of this guy - one he basically asked for - means I can’t get my mail tomorrow. He said it’s not to remind people that they finally got their rights but to remind people that they once didn’t have any.

But we don’t need any reminders of how they once had no rights and now have more rights than we do. They do a good enough job reminding us of the past themselves every single day of each year. When are gays gonna have a day to remind folks that they still don’t have any rights and probably never will??? In 1000 years from now the blacks will still be rubbing the past in our faces and using it as a crutch and a weapon against us.

I finally got a letter from Mary. She said she’s sorry she hasn’t written, but she’s been so busy. I was like, how can you be so busy in jail? But as she says, she’s been meditating for 10 hours a day (damn!), exercising, writing, etc. Other than that she says she’s doing well, wished me a happy belated birthday and New Year, and said she was sorry we lost Blondie but is glad we’re happy with Tinkerbell.

We sort of had sex yesterday, if you want to call me giving him a cumless hand job sex. It just seemed like an awful lot of work for a hard-on, but cumming is not something I want him doing these days anyway, and again, it’s not just an age thing with him, but a choice, as far as I can tell. As for me cumming, I don’t know if I want to do that if I could. I mean, sure I could if he went down on me. But despite the fact that I don’t want him cumming as opposed to 10 years ago, I don’t want to be the man all over again. I was the man where sex was concerned and that made me feel really weird being the only one getting off and all that. That’s just not real life. I’m not saying there aren’t other couples where the woman gets off and the guy doesn’t, it just seems too abnormal and so odd. I think there are more people born without an ear like I was than there are couples like that.

Anyway, he talks of us slowly getting into it and sticking to it and all that, and I’m like, yeah whatever. I mean, sure I love the closeness, but I just don’t feel the excitement I once did. I think part of it’s age and part of it’s that it’s just far from new. It’s very common for one to lose lust for their partner after a year or so, no matter how much they’ve come to love them and don’t see them as this ugly creature from hell. What I really enjoy is just lying together and chatting. At the same time, I sure felt like a fat, ugly, unwanted person when we weren’t having sex, despite the fact that I never doubted his love for me.

I was thinking that I may one day get some sex toys for added variety and enhancement. These days these things can be ordered online. No need to order from catalogs, not that we’ve been getting any such catalogs in years. They have a few that seem interesting from what I saw on one of the sites. Besides your typical bullet vibrator for the clit, they have this thong with a vibrator to buzz her clit while screwing and beads that run alongside the opening for added stimulation for the guy. They also have one that stimulates the G-spot as well as the clit. G-spot orgasms are said to be very different than the typical clitoral orgasms and they’re supposedly very intense. I’ve always been kind of curious about it, so maybe I’ll get something for that. It’s not a high priority right now, though.

They comment at work that Tom smells so good. He explained my obsession with burning oils. Yes, all my sticks are gone, thank God. They really made a mess and they made me a bit congested, too.

Things are still going well, though Tom doesn’t yet know if there’s to be any more money made. He still feels certain that he’ll know within a few weeks, but let’s put it this way: They’ve been getting lots of orders, they’re about to lose two of their senior employees, and the partially nutty boss lady who’s trying to go without her anti-depressants has been absent a lot. This could all mean good things for Tom. God, I hope so! It’d be truly wonderful to have our futures financially secured, so it’d be one less thing to have to worry about in life, though I won’t count on it. For now, unless he does get more money or I win big, I still have to assume we’re meant to be poor and to live in noisy places throughout most of our lives.

I finally got a win notice for a 2-star premium sweep that ended November 30th, which once again proves that just because I haven’t gotten more win notices, it doesn’t mean I still didn’t get snagged at the start of the year. It just may be a while before I’m notified. Anyway, this win was for $60 worth of cosmetics.

I finally got all 8 lotions I won.

Until the Superbowl, Safeway’s having this cool contest. They’ve been giving scratch tickets with 3 rows of footballs, each containing 3 columns. You can only scratch one football in each column to uncover the number underneath it. If your numbers equal 100, you get a free store item. Well, Tom got two tickets and came up with a bright idea for our own little contest. He decided that whoever had the highest amount would buy the other something we wouldn’t be so quick to buy ourselves. Tom decided he wanted a wheel to race his car with if he won, and I decided he could let me call down to Jamie at JBS Dolls and buy me the armatures needed to assemble Chris and Haiku. Well, I beat his ass! But we agreed not to call until we get moved if that’s still what we’re going to do. My vibes still say our next move isn’t to California, so let’s hope I’m right because the only way we’d stay here would be if there really was a significant amount of money to come. If not, we’ll save and try to get out of here in the fall.

We’ve been averaging highs in the 40s, and amazingly it hasn’t dipped under 0 degrees. Not much snow lately, thank God, but lots of rain. Rain we wish we could get in the summer.

I didn’t stay at 120 pounds for long. Since that day I’ve jumped back up to 122, and truthfully, I don’t know if I’m going to lose any more weight. We’ll just have to wait and see. I just hope the Claritin continues to keep my appetite suppressed because I’ve been hungry these last few days, and whether or not I lose more weight, eating less really saves us a ton of money.

I was a fool to think my ear was on the mend just because I had a few good days there. It’ll never get better. I know that now without a shred of doubt, but I’ll be damned if I’ll play appointments as I did for most of my life. I’m not going to spend a fortune, rob us of our opportunity to move, then be given a whole new problem in place of this one that just might be worse. There’s no doubt about it, something up there wants me to suffer from one problem after another. Well, unless it has me get to the point where I’m forced to deal with it by breaking my bones or something, I will not give in to it!