Ok, this is too fucking spooky. I just went into the bathroom to pee, glanced at the counter, and saw that the little round mirror on the front cover of the diary I was recently given from India was cracked. A single slightly wavy line now runs across it. But I never dropped it or bumped it against anything! Nothing heavy fell on it either. I’ve learned that if you look hard enough you’ll find that there’s a logical explanation for things, which doesn’t involve any magical gods, fairies, angels or devils, but I can’t find one in this case. It’s almost spooky. Isn’t a broken mirror supposed to represent the start of a seven-year curse? The only thing I can think of is that it might have weakened over time from handling and pressure and it finally cracked. 

The only thing in my life that includes angels is the adult coloring book I won in an Amazon instant win. Like I said, these days you have a better chance with instant wins than you do with random draws. Funny too, because I was just thinking how I have enough coloring books to last a long time and won’t need to shop for anymore for quite a while. 

Andy picked a fine time to drive me away with his arrogant, know-it-all attitude because Ask completely changed the look and function of their site. It’s absolutely horrible and I know he would be pissed. Both of my accounts are now deactivated. 

I don’t miss him at all or checking in and sharing pictures like we did for years. It was fun while it lasted, but there are so many other sites to share/view pictures on. I certainly don’t wish him any harm, but I don’t miss his repetitious and obsessive ways. Or his immaturity, selfishness, and airheaded ways. It’s no wonder he has remained single all these years. Until he can grow up, get over his trust issues, and stop being so judgmental and assuming too much, he will likely grow old and die alone, but hey, it’s his life. It’s not up to us to change people. All we can do is decide who we wish to have remain in our lives, and who it’s time to move on from. I always try to exercise my best judgment when it comes to these things. If I’m going to cut ties with somebody it’s going to be for a damn good reason. I’m not going to walk away because you fart too much or because you might think tarantulas look cool. I just got tired of the little insults and annoyances that added up over time, and when one is offended one too many times, it’s time to move on no matter how much they may be missing the point. As they say, we can explain something to someone, but we can’t make them get it. 

Got a friend request on Facebook from a beautiful woman named Lana who bears a remarkable resemblance to Alyssa. This one has nicer eyes, though, and appears to be married and living in Nevada. The account looks legit and all that, but I’m still curious as to how she found me. I sent her a message and will decide later on whether or not to add her. 

A while back Alison noticed a “Khayos” as one of the NaNoWriMo writers on their account on Twitter and brought it to my attention. At the time I doubted it was her because there was no mention of her obsession with rescuing feral cats. Just for the hell of it, I tweeted to her: Khayos from Kiwibox? 

After not thinking I was going to hear from her, she replied with: Yes! OMG, a kiwi? 

So Aly was right, and I followed her. We’ll see if I hear anything else from her. Her real name is Amber. She’s the one I kind of used to have fun bickering with on the old KB site, however childish it may have been. She was one of those who was attractive at the same time she wasn’t. She was in her early 20s at the time so now I’m guessing she’s in her late 20s. 

Last night I had a very depressing dream about Kevin, a.k.a. Nervous. I gave him that nickname because when he felt challenged or you dared to disagree with him he would literally become nervous and shake all over. He was the guy that was obsessed with me back in Massachusetts in my 20s. He was a lot older than me. He died in the mid-90s of a heart attack at age 53. 

I admit that in real life I did and said some mean things to the poor guy. Apparently, I reminded him of his ex-wife. Anyway, I admit I took advantage of his fondness for me and used the guy for rides, favors and money. Andy used to joke and say he sometimes wished he had his own personal slave like that. I didn’t have as much compassion or as much conscience back then, unfortunately. I would never bother with the guy these days, especially since the attraction wasn’t mutual. He was tall, mostly slender, and very ordinary-looking. 

He was about 46 when we met. The landlords were bombing the building and ordered everybody out for a few hours. I had two guinea pigs and no car. He was getting into his little maroon Chevy Citation when I bravely opened the passenger side of his car, piggies in a cardboard box, and asked if he wanted company. This was in late 1986 or early 1987. Our “friendship” took off from there. 

He was argumentative and arrogant, but damn was he loyal. If I asked him to jump off a bridge he probably would have. Like most of us in our youth, I could rarely go anywhere without getting hit on, so if anything the dork kept most of the guys at bay for me. Other than Tom, and very few other male exceptions, I still prefer women. 

In the dream, however, I was living with him. I’m not sure if I was forced to or if I felt obligated to live with him because of how I treated him in the past. Of course I would never trade my husband for anyone no matter what history we may have and no matter what they looked like. But it seemed I did just that in the dream and was determined to get over Tom and deal with my depression and sadness over missing him. It was almost like I was punishing myself. 

The dream started with Nervous and I discussing what we liked and didn’t like in bed, even though it was understood that just like in real life, our relationship would be strictly platonic. I told him that as long as he wasn’t verbally or emotionally abusive, I would stay. 

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” he said as far as putting tasty treats down there before – uhem – actually going down there. 

“To each their own,” I told him, “but that wasn’t my thing.” 

Then I was walking across a grassy area toward where he stood because he said earlier that he needed my help with something. Several other people were around and I suddenly became aware of the tight red dress I was wearing. I wondered if people found me sexy-looking or just fat. 

He spotted a snake nearby and hit it with a shovel. When I approached him I asked if he still needed my help and he said no. 

I turned and walked away and realized it was noon, Tom was due to visit one time to see where I would be living and say our goodbyes. Again, very, very sad dream. 

I also remembered in the dream that my sister and others were coming to see me and I felt tears well up in my eyes consisting of a mix of sadness as well as excitement. 

The second dream I had didn’t last as long. My parents were still alive and I had just returned to an apartment after visiting them. I lived alone and didn’t seem to know Tom. Panic gripped me when I realized I didn’t have my keys or my smartphone, and I raced back outside the building where several people were present. I asked if anybody had a cell phone I could use. People began to ignore me at first, but finally, a kind tall, slim black lady pulled a cell phone from her bag and held it up to me. That’s all I remember of that one.

In one of my dreams last night Tom and I got into bed. He said something about being tired but still able to go a long way and then he asked if I was ready. I knew he was asking to have sex. I said I was, but then without thinking about it I rose from the bed and sat at a nearby table separating these orange rocks or beads by size. Then I felt bad for suddenly getting out of bed. 

Nane was in one of my dreams and it was strange because I was seeing the dream through this other girl’s eyes. Nane and I were supposedly an item in person and I watched this girl approach her as she sat by a lake where she and I had just been swimming. The girl said she had something really important to tell her about me. Nane looked wary for a second and then the girl told her that she believed I was psychic. Nane sort of laughed at that point and said, “Oh, I thought you were going to tell me she was seeing someone else.” 

In another dream, I was living in a huge house with a huge family, and I was also on probation and taking classes all day. My routine was to check in with my probation officer on the way to school each day. However, I couldn’t fall asleep one night. I sat in my room and when I saw it was 3 o’clock in the morning I started to get a little worried about how I would get enough sleep to function for the day. By 5 o’clock I’d pretty much given up. I fell into bed exhausted, trying to think of the best excuse for why I skipped checking in as well as school, figuring “I was up all night” wouldn’t cut it, getting old or not. 

Later… 

I’m still dealing with burning and itching right around where I pee and wondering just how correct Alyssa was with her enlarged hair follicle diagnosis. Should I be THIS itchy? I just wonder if I could have infected piss. I used the cream she gave me, then later a Vagisil wipe, then I rinsed off in the tub and I’m still itching. Usually one of these things helps it. Perhaps I need to use the cream twice a day for the full two weeks instead of just once a day here and there. 

It will be interesting to see if my white blood cell count comes back too high when they do blood work on me in May. If this is still irritating me when I see A in June, and I’m sure it will be, I’ll bring it up. Anything is better than killer anxiety, though. Still, why must I always suffer in some way or another? Why can’t I get a break for a while? I’m now beginning to worry more about what problems I may have on vacation than how hard my sleep issues may be on me. 

A coworker from India returned from a visit home and brought back gifts and gave Tom a gorgeous pen and little diary, as she called it. India’s really big on glitter, and colorful, shiny things, which I just love. I will use it to jot notes of whatever dreams I remember when I get up. Then we’ll eventually move someday and I’ll leave it here for the newcomers to try to figure out what the hell it means. ;) 

The damn drain is now clogged after I fed it the remainder of my cod. What’s the point of having a disposal if all it’s going to do is choke on the fucking food we feed it?! Never should’ve gotten a new one. Gonna treat this sink just like most sinks I’ve had from now on… disposal-less!

Tammy confirmed that she did get my message (and isn’t on BP meds) even though it’s appearing as unseen, so yeah, the doctor could have (hopefully) gotten my message. Either way, if the doc stumbled onto my Facebook page from there and then into my blog, she did it in a way I can’t see. 

Had a bit of a rough night last night but fortunately, it didn’t last long. I was watching TV when I noticed my heart was racing and beating a little hard. I got up and lay down on the bed but it continued to do so. Then my stomach hurt and I ended up having the runs. I took a Lorazepam after that, but I probably didn’t need one because my pulse seemed to start slowing down before it had a chance to set in. In fact, I was sitting there doing some coloring and thinking that it wasn’t going to make me drowsy when all of a sudden I felt intense drowsiness come over me. I climbed into bed and was astounded to sleep over 12 hours. I haven’t slept that long in years! 

I woke up for a minute when the power cut out for a few seconds, kicking my sound machine off. Tom said there was a huge storm while I slept with tons of wind and rain. He also saw next door’s vehicle in their garage, so I guess they’re not on vacation. The garage light went off last night and it’s not on tonight. They were probably just at a Christmas party somewhere. 

I wish Christmas was in the summer. It’s too cold to go riding around the park at night, so you don’t see much of the pretty lights and decorations unless you’re in a car. I miss riding around in the middle of the night, but we’re soon going to have plenty of reason to work out inside. We’re getting a new Bowflex home gym!!! We had one in 1999 which cost us $1200. As with any form of activity, it won’t make you lose weight if you’re not willing to cut your calories low enough to do so, but it definitely builds muscle and gets you in shape. Only these days you can get one that’s even better than the one we had and all for just $385. *twirls excitedly* 

I mentioned to Tom how I kind of missed having one, and that I thought of getting one. This got him thinking about it and he was shocked to discover how much cheaper they are. I thought the cheapest one was $450, but nope! So we rearranged the living room since it’s something like 100” x 72”, and moved the treadmill closer to my desk so I can watch my show while I use it. Thank God for closed captioning since it’s a bit loud. 

Anyway, last night I felt really cold. I was cold everywhere, especially my hands and the tip of my nose. I began to wonder if I was going a little hypo again, though I’d rather that than the constant hell I went through both physically and emotionally when I was on a higher dose. But then I got warm right before my heart raced and I wondered just the opposite. I mean my T4 couldn’t have dropped that much or else I’d feel a lot worse a lot more often. Still, I’m tired of these scattered spells here and there. That’s two heart “beat downs” in less than a week. Really hope to hell this doesn’t happen when we’re on vacation. I’d rather be a little tired than feel like shit. Just like last time, though, it happened after I ate quite a bit, so I really have to make sure I don’t overeat or even let myself get slightly full. 

Tom believes he can and will lose weight, but I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never have the willpower to put up with the hunger and sluggishness of lowering my calories consistently to lose weight. But we’re both determined to eat healthier, not overdo it, and he wants to become more active. He’s not as good with sticking to exercise routines as I am. He feels this will motivate him. Plus we also made more room for him to use his Wii easier. 

Thank God for huge living rooms too, since it now houses a desk, a huge L-shaped couch, a treadmill, a rat cage, two 6’ fake trees, and soon our new home gym. So I’ll be a ripped fatty, LOL. 

Also grabbed a few more fairy and animal figurines for my collection of 70-something pieces while he got some things he needed (on Amazon). 

Had to return the pink Sakkas dress I ordered because it’s too big on me. The purple top I got fits fine, though. 

I also had to switch back to my old mouse because I just didn’t like the feel of the new one. It also had a problem with the wheel clicker occasionally zooming out my windows instead of opening things in a new tab. 

I checked out ant farms and wonder if it may be an interesting thing to have and observe. I laughed when I thought of my sister, who would no doubt say that only I could be interested in such a thing. LOL, well, it’s better than spiders. 

Anyway, I’m finishing up the remaining granola bars and crackers and am slowly switching over to healthier snacks. I don’t know if dried fruit is as healthy as fresh fruit, but I got a little of both. Plus I have fish for meat instead of chicken and beef. I got soups, pasta, beans, and other high-protein foods, plus cherry tomatoes to snack on as well as dried peas. Dried cranberries are just ok, but the pineapples and banana chips are better. For fresh fruit, I got blueberries and grapes. Trying to do everything in moderation and not eat unless I’m really hungry. Not famished but hungry. Really hope this will lower both my cholesterol and BP! Will find out in May. 

May. 

Damn, that seems so far away.

Their garage light is on next door. Wonder if they’re just out tonight or on vacation. Vacation would be nice as that’s a week or two off of hoping Bob doesn’t do any loud projects, even if it means that light has to be glaring through the kitchen window till they return. 

So I won another coupon for another candy bar. Not very exciting, but better than no wins at all, I guess. 

While I am always consistent with my journal, I have continued to be lazy as far as creative writing goes. Maybe my dreams would make good writing prompts in which to create silly but fun short little stories around. I don’t mean the dreams that only last a split second either. I mean more like last night’s dreams. 

In one of them, I was walking with someone somewhere. It wasn’t here in the park. There were many people around, including Alyssa. I spotted her ahead of me but didn’t say anything to her. Then I started feeling dizzy and commented to the person I was walking with about it. I knew Alyssa heard me and I wondered if she’d want to help being a doctor and all that, or if she would just ignore me. The dream ended before I could find out. 

In another dream, a heavy young woman kept insisting she knew me from a town called Pleasant, but I had no idea who she was. We were at a large restaurant in which I thought Tom accompanied me, but when I glanced away from the woman, I found my mother at my side. She guided me into another section of the restaurant with these ugly chandeliers hanging all over the place and ordered some rather disgusting-looking food. 

“Is that chicken?” I asked her. 

She said it was, but it was just “mashed” instead of in a roll. 

In the last dream, I was stuck in some weird coed jail. At least the “waiting room” was coed. I was observing a guy who was propped up on a built-in cement bench sound asleep. He suddenly woke up and told someone with a laugh that since he was never assigned to a room, he never had to leave that bench whether he was asleep or not, until his release. 

Shortly afterward I was moved to a room with rows of beds. The room wasn’t very large, though I don’t know how many roommates I had. Then I was given my mail for the day in which I received an anonymous letter. The letter started off saying horrible things (I’m not sure what), but then it went on to enclose a handful of very beautiful nature scenes, leaving me as baffled as ever.

Wrote out a very different shopping list than I’m used to writing because this time I’m paying attention to nutrition labels and not calories. I got as many things low in cholesterol, fat and sodium as I could. 

Last night I dropped one of the frozen dinners I’ll no longer be getting and what a fucking mess! Mashed potatoes were everywhere… on the counter, on the cabinets, on the floor, even in the recycle pail. I had to dump the items in it and wash out the pail. Then I mopped the floor. 

Partly due to dropping the food, we decided to move the microwave out of the cubbyhole and onto the counter. Steaming food seeped through the plastic and burned me, causing it to slip out of my hand. This way I can yank things right out onto the counter to cool, instead of having to carry it over to the counter while it’s piping hot. The toaster oven and can opener are now living in the cubbyhole. We just swapped their places as the microwave is now where they were. 

Tom picked up my inhaler on the way home from work, and wow. They’ve gotten pretty high-tech since I last used them in the early 2000s. They now have puff counters. Still hope I don’t ever have an emergency bad enough to need any of the 204 puffs available to me, but they’re here if I do. 

Less than a week after I began sweeping again I hit my first win, if only for a coupon for a candy bar. I realize that these days, due to all the competition out there, one would have a much better chance with instant wins as opposed to random draws. 

I just wish Roboform didn’t suck. It used to be great and then it got worse before I stopped sweeping regularly about 6 years ago. I would’ve thought by now they’d have improved it, but nope. Half the time it doesn’t work properly. 

I haven’t been remembering much of my dreams lately. Just scattered bits and pieces, which make no sense. 

Sent Doc O a Happy Holiday message on Facebook and I not only didn’t get a reply, but it doesn’t appear to have been seen either. Because she never got it? Or because she doesn’t want me knowing she saw it? Hmm… Tammy's messages are also appearing as unread yet she’s been on playing games. I’ll have to ask her if she got my question and ask if she’s on BP meds.

Well, this is kind of embarrassing. Just seven hours after telling Dr. A how wonderful it’s been being anxiety-free, I had a panic attack. I got into bed just before midnight and noticed my heart was beating a little fast and hard. I thought maybe it was just because I had recently eaten. Meanwhile, life is good and I wasn’t worried about it… until it took off racing like a racehorse. Scared the living shit out of me too, and of course I was trembling uncontrollably as the adrenaline raced through my body. Since my current thyroid dosage can no longer affect me this way, I worried for a minute that I really was having a heart attack, but fortunately, Tom was home and he calmed me down relatively quickly, knowing it was just anxiety. He’s pretty sure I was just worried about my blood pressure. 

Whatever it was, it's a very disappointing setback. Just when I thought I was free of these things for good, I’m reminded that I’m not totally exempt from them. They can strike anytime, anyplace. 

So I took one of the lorazepams I was so sure I wouldn’t ever need again and fell asleep an hour later. I expected to wake up with my heart racing a few times throughout the night but I actually slept quite well. 

Doc A also asked me about a pap smear, but it hasn’t been three years yet. She asked about a mammogram too, and I said I’d pass for now. Then she asked about a colonoscopy. I’ll definitely pass. She said to let her know when I’m ready. LOL, no one’s ever “ready” to have their boobs squeezed and cameras shoved up their ass. 

Later… 

We now have a possible travel plan. It’s just a matter of exactly when he receives his new passport. Royal Caribbean takes off on January 30th, which is a Saturday, and goes to two different cities in Mexico. We’ve learned that the tickets actually get cheaper if you wait until it gets close to the date of the trip, as the cruise lines push to fill up the remaining rooms. We would just hate to book this trip and then find that he doesn’t get his passport in time. I don’t understand why these things have to take so damn long in today’s day and age, but they do. 

This trip would be for four nights, and we’re probably going to fly first class too. As short as I am, I don’t need the extra legroom, but it has so many other benefits, one of them being that you’re less likely to get stuck next to screaming kids. As long as they’re not sitting up front in the coach section, since there’s only a thin curtain between the two sections and not a soundproof wall, you get a more peaceful flight and much better service. Another benefit is that you only have two seats on each side so I wouldn’t have to climb over anybody other than Tom (I like window seats) to go to the bathroom or anything like that. It’s also easier to find seats available in first class since a lot of people can’t afford it. 

His research found that Celebrity X cruises tend to be the most expensive while Princess is the cheapest. Cruises tend to be wild no matter what, so we would rather skip Princess, figuring there’s probably a reason why they’re so much cheaper. Like maybe that line is reserved for the rowdiest and rude of cruisers? 

I was thinking of going almost vegan. As a friend and follower pointed out, anything from an animal is going to include cholesterol. I’m not saying I’ll give up stakes and fried chicken forever, but I’m going to try to focus more on pasta, potatoes, fish, fruits and veggies. I know I’ll never lose weight. I’ve gotten too old for that shit and I still have hypothyroidism. But one is never too old to eat healthier. Still working out most days, though. Tuna has less cholesterol than chicken and of course chicken has less cholesterol than beef. Salmon, sardines, tuna and mackerel are pretty healthy, and of course white skinless chicken is better than dark chicken with skin. The problem is that’s the only part of the chicken I like, so I’ll back off of the chicken for now as well as eggs, bacon and red meats. I just have to go easy on the pasta because it’s high-calorie. Just because I can’t lose weight doesn’t mean I want to gain it either, although I’m not holding back for a second when we’re on vacation! 

My snacks would usually consist of 90-calorie granola bars or small bags of crackers. No more of that as items like that have trans fats in them. I printed out a list of foods high in trans fats. I’m considering dried fruit for snacks. The Mayo Clinic says they’re healthy as long as they don’t have partially hydrogenated vegetable oil. 

We usually only do fast food two or three times a month, and last night on the way home from the doctor we agreed that that would be our last run for quite a while. If I were single I wouldn’t care if I died now or in my 60s or in my 80s, especially since I have no kids. But since my husband has another 30 years or so left to live, I don’t care to desert him so soon.

My appointment with my PCP went smoothly and I am so glad to not have to see doctors again till March! Dentist in March, ENT in April, endo in May, PCP in June. Will have an eye exam somewhere in there, too. My vision’s been noticeably worse lately. 

Anyway, traffic was the usual nightmare, especially coming back. We worried I was going to be late because Tom accidentally went to the lab instead. Realizing we had to go to Roseville instead, we raced as fast as we safely could and got there right on time without a minute to spare. 

So I went through the usual process of checking in with the now-familiar staff since I’ve been there 4 times already and was given the same checklist that the shrink gave me just yesterday. I thought it was a bit weird, but filled it out anyway. It asks if you’re feeling worthless, like hurting yourself, having trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, etc. Do they now give this to everyone, or did they just want to compare today’s answers to yesterday’s? Either way, I didn’t mind filling it out. 

The doctor came in wearing one of those masks the dentists wear. She had a cold even though she didn’t sound sick. 

My BP is still up, though I don’t know why. The high number was 160. Whitecoat syndrome? Or is this going to be my next problem? My guess is it’s still normal most of the time, but she asked that I check it at home periodically and let her know if it’s 140/90 or higher. I don’t care if it is. I don’t want any new medication! 

She said I looked great for my age, and even the shrink said I looked younger than 50. Really? *shrugs* Benefits of being fat, I guess. Stretches those wrinkles taught. As for the weight aspect of it, I told her I’ve given up. I can’t do the low-calorie thing day after day, week after week, month after month. I can only try not to gain any more weight. 

She said not to stress about it and that it’s all about portions and having half of your plate be a salad. I still don’t see myself ever losing much weight, if any. Young me was naturally skinny. Older me is naturally heavy. I do intend to eat healthier, though. I knew eggs and red meats were high in cholesterol, but she also warned me against fried foods and cheese. I didn’t know these things were high in cholesterol, but the fried foods definitely make sense. Also, the obvious… avoid overdoing the fast food and trans fats. 

I’m hopeful that my thyroid, BP and cholesterol numbers will be great when I go to the labs in May, but somehow I doubt the numbers will be ideal. I’m still going to do my best to get them as close as I can, though the T4 should be good. Really, REALLY don’t want to have to take any additional medications. She knows I still fear medication in general. You can work through a traumatic event such as what I went through and you can get better, but I don’t think anyone ever fully gets back to where they were before a traumatic event. 

I filled her in on the highlights of my meeting with Dr. L and asked about menopause and she said I’m at the age where you usually enter perimenopause. 

I also told her about the asthma attack I had and she called in a Ventolin inhaler for me, and to let her know if I ever need it more than twice a week. Hopefully, I’ll never need it, but after that kick-ass attack for the first time in a decade, I like knowing it’s there just in case. 

This was the friendliest the doc’s ever been since I’ve seen her, and again I wonder if Tom’s absence had anything to do with it (I left him in the waiting room this time). They always seem friendlier when I’m alone. We got to talking about our upcoming vacation, and how I danced in my 20s and became an author. She said that now she’s curious and will have to look me up. LOL, and assuming she’s got cookies enabled, I’ll be watching to see if she links into my blog. :) 

She said she’s been in the country for 10 years. The climate in Ecuador must be so much nicer, though.

Finally got to meet with the shrink today. Doctor L was very nice. I was a bit irritated with all the traffic we had to deal with going to and from Folsom, then the noisy waiting room, but we didn’t have to wait long. 

What was surprising was the appearance of the place. It looked like the typical medical building Mercy would have and not the small office like what Dana and Stacey had with plush chairs. I also didn’t meet with the doctor in the same room where the nurse took me to take my vitals. My BP was a surprising 170/80. This alarmed the doctor a bit, though I assured her I was just wound up about seeing a new doctor, and when she had the nurse take my BP again on the way out it was 150/80. It’s almost always normal. I’m sure right now as I write this it’s 120/80. In looking at my BP measurements since switching to this medical group, 144 was my highest. 

Anyway, after the first round of vitals, I was taken to another office where I expected to have to wait for the doctor, but the doctor was already there. She’s a tall, slim woman with dark hair that was piled up with a claw clip I liked that she said she got in Hawaii. She’s from Guatemala too, but I didn’t have any problems understanding her with her accent. 

She asked for some past background, and even though I didn’t see what it had to do with the here and now, I told her a little about my bio family, the foster homes and Valleyhead. Even how I would cut myself as a teen and jumped out a window and broke my arm. The system was very different then, as we discussed, and the stigma was even worse. Instead of receiving help for these things I totally regret doing, I was ostracized and made to feel even worse. Shrinks were also too quick to drug their patients up instead of getting to the root cause of things by talking and taking other healthier, safer measures. 

I told her I felt that for the most part, it was a waste of our time and money to see her because had my old doctors simply listened to me and not withheld so much information from me, then we could have just lowered my thyroid medication dose the first time around and 95% of the anxiety I was referred to her about would’ve backed off. She understood, but at the same time said they were a caring group and were just looking out for me. 

I told her about my old endo, of course, and the drama I went through when my T4 got too high. I said that while I fear medication in general and tend to be prone to side effects, I’m fine on my current thyroid dose and am ok with taking low dosages of lorazepam as needed, but only as needed. I hope to never need the stuff again, but it’s still nice to know I have it if I do. The bottle I have is over a year old now, since I got it from Alyssa, which I’ll refer to her as now, and so she called me in a new one and said I could get refills from my PCP. Hopefully, I’ll never need to do that, though. I hate being dependent on things other than oxygen, water and food same as anyone else. After I broke my cigarette and Navane habits in the '90s, then I became dependent on sound machines, then lotion, then lip balm, then glasses, then thyroid medication, and now anti-bacterial soap so I can have a slightly itchy crotch instead of a seriously itchy one. 

I thought we were going to talk more about what happened that led to my referral to her as opposed to the past, but she asked a lot about the past and my family. When we hit upon the subject of my sleep disorder she asked if I’d taken any action where that’s concerned and I said no because it wasn’t much of an issue since I work at home and there isn’t any cure for it, but as she said, it might be a good idea to look into it since I can never know how it may help in the end. Yeah, maybe so, and it definitely would be more convenient to always be on days. Just not right now. Right now I just want to enjoy the fact that after tomorrow I will be appointment-free till March! Yes! 

Then it was off to Jack’s for burgers and fries where some pissed-off black guy was shouting that he was tired of waiting for his tacos. I wondered if he’d pull a gun out and get trigger-happy, but fortunately, he didn’t. 

Still entering sweeps, most of which are pretty crappy these days compared to years ago. They just don’t have as many big prizes anymore, and again, I don’t feel I can win like I used to. 

The park and Bob have been very annoying during the daytime. People are constantly landscaping, along with the park, and Bob was using his saw really early yesterday morning I think to repair his trellis or something. 

Tom trimmed the Cypress trees and put a lot of stuff on the street this evening for tomorrow’s bulk trash pick-up. The old toilets, a couple of chairs, a water dispenser, the old disposal, the boxes the toilets came in that are filled with tree clippings as well as old hoses.

This can’t go on, I realized earlier as I sat deep in thought by the window. If you’ve had this many doubts this often over the years about your friendship with Andy, then maybe it really is time to move on. 

It’s true. We’re just too damn different. Our only common ground is collecting photos, and our tastes in that differ as well. Never expected or wanted anyone to be a carbon copy of myself, but you gotta have at least some common ground, don’t you? He’s him and I’m me, but that’s so very hard for him to accept and deal with. He automatically assumes others feel, think, believe and do the same things he does, and I have to remind him that hey, we’re not all needy of this and that. We’re not all into the God fantasy or being chased by devils because we don’t embrace Him with open arms. We don’t all want tons of friends. We’re not all oozing with jealousy. We’re not all obsessed with weight and appearance. We may be when we’re younger, but most people grow up and quit worrying about how others see them. 

But if he believes the sky is gray and you say no, it’s blue, then you’re a liar. 

But it isn’t just about us being different. It’s about me being offended, frustrated and annoyed time and time again. I get tired of the insults. Tired of the negativity. Tired of his know-it-all attitude. Tired of waiting for him to catch on and get things. Tired of having to repeat myself, even if he may not be pretending to be forgetful as a way of mindfucking me and further adding to my frustration and annoyance. I understand his years of smoking pot led to severe memory loss and maybe even his ability to process and learn things. He’s not very perceptive and he can be incredibly paranoid, too. 

And no, he was never stupid. But he’d often say stupid things that just made me want to reach out and slap him awake one too many times. I will always remember and appreciate the good times, but I’m feeling more and more like it’s time to move on. I may not be perfect myself, but I’m tired of his negativity just because he’s so miserable and unhappy with his own life. I’m tired of the immaturity. I’m tired of the repetition. I’m tired of the stupidity, intentional or not. Again, not that he’s literally stupid, but more that he acts stupid at times and makes me feel like I’m talking to a 15-year-old. 

We met up for the second time in life when he was 26 and I was 22, yet I feel like he’s forever 26 while I’ve grown, matured and moved on. We all have an “immature” side of sorts. But his star-struck ways and dreamy obsession with celebrities, for example, is something you do in your teens and 20s. Not your 50s. 

I’m also tired of him thinking he knows it all where I’m concerned. Yes, he knows me very well. Give him a dozen dresses and ask him which one he thinks I’d like best and he’ll almost certainly hit the nail on the head. But he doesn’t literally know it all any more than I do and when he keeps insisting he knows something he doesn’t, that’s where I get annoyed and even offended. When you keep insisting something’s the other way around (especially when the other person should have a much better idea than you do of just how it is), you’re basically calling them a liar and that’s offensive. Like me insisting France isn’t in Europe. No matter how much I may believe that I’d still be 100% incorrect. 

Even though he’s apologized for the HORRIBLY mean and false statements and assumptions he’s made concerning my sleep issues, my driving phobia, my husband, the people that screwed me in Arizona, and my MIL, the hurt and anger have stayed with me. 

When you expect people not to judge you but then you judge them for the number of friends they have, for example, that’s not only offensive, but it seriously makes me question the value of your friendship. True friends don’t prank call the shit out of someone they knew was dirt poor at the time, stalk and harass them online, then claim they’re anti-revenge, then say the many mean, untrue and hurtful things he’s said to me over the last few years and insult my husband while he’s at it. My husband and I have never once judged or condemned him for the way he is. We’ve always accepted him as is. Obviously, I can no longer do that, but that’s the difference between him and me… he judges, critiques, condemns, pushes and tries to change those he feels should mirror his ways more than they do. I just walk away from them altogether. Period. He can be just as lacking in compassion and selfish as he can be compassionate and generous. So many times on Ask I’d mention doing this or doing that and would feel a little hurt when he wouldn’t ask me about it, or how a doctor’s appointment went. I felt like he just didn’t care at times and like it was all about him. 

I was ready to drop him after the second offense, but the guilt of having dumped him after 11 years or so back in 1999 ate at me and I felt obligated to put up with it. But now I realize and remember WHY I cut ties with him in 1999 in the first place, and that’s for the very same reason I’m doing it now. I didn’t feel guilty for letting my abusive mother go and I’m not going to feel guilty for letting him go. Really, it’s ok to pick and choose our friends… without guilt. I can walk away despite the things I said and did wrong in the past. The past is the past after all and can never be changed anyway. Sometimes we really do gotta look out for ourselves and do what’s best for us, even if that means throwing in the towel and moving on altogether. But for a while, I couldn’t do this. Why? Because I felt so bad for dumping him 16 years ago, that’s why. I also knew his mother and sisters would take it hard if I let him go again, but you know what? I don’t care what they think. No disrespect to them, but again, sometimes we just gotta worry about ourselves and not what others think or how they’re going to take things. How they react or feel about things is up to them and not my responsibility to prevent or control. 

It isn’t just the big things, but the little things that irritate me as well at times. Maybe it shouldn’t as I realize this isn’t harming anyone, but when he’d post pics of teens or college kids flipping the camera off, for example, I couldn’t help but think how immature it was. I mean, this is the kind of silly thing a young person gets off on and finds amusing, not older folks. Again, I realize there’s no real harm in his doing this, but it does tell me a thing or two about his personality. 

It all started when I excitedly told him about the job I started and instead of getting a “Good for you!” or a “Good luck,” or an “I’m happy for you,” I get, “You’ll be sick of it in 3 weeks for cutting into your daily grind.” 

When I assured him it wouldn’t and why, he continued with the negativity and the arguing, insisting he knew me well. Yeah? Well, I know myself even better. This is the same work I did from 2005-2008 and I loved it (I told him I’m entering sweeps for someone else and a few other things when in fact Tom’s just giving me $100 a month to sweep for him which is a very decent amount). It also didn’t interfere with my day-to-day life at all as it only takes a couple of hours a day to do and I don’t even have to do it all at once. I only stopped because the economy went bad and I stopped winning. 

At the risk of sounding negative myself, I did tell him that I don’t think I can win for us. I’m going to try my best, but honestly, it’s not so much about the economy as it is about the competition. When I was supplementing our income, mostly in Oregon, by sweeps and contests, you typically had a few hundred to a few thousand entrants. Now you’ve got many, many thousands, and even millions in some cases. 

Win or lose, I can still write, read, listen to music, watch shows, interact with friends online, clean the house, care for the rats, spend time with my husband, take showers, eat meals, exercise, go out to stores, and live life. 

But everybody’s a liar to him. That’s just how he is. He may truly prefer his solitude same as I do, but did he ever think the reason he can’t get that many decent friends or a BF might be because of HIM? Just like blacks aren’t always shit on for being black, maybe he’s not shit on as much as he may think he is for being gay, but for being annoying. 

Well, he may know a lot, but he doesn’t always know it all and not everybody’s lying to him. He flatters himself too much if he thinks he has enough of a hold or any kind of power or authority over others that they would feel the automatic need to lie to him about things. As if he could use the truth against them somehow? 

I did tell him earlier that I was contemplating taking a break from him (though I think a permanent break would be best) and he went into his typical counter-attacking mode by saying something about me pissing him off 2 years ago for whatever reason, and how he almost thought of taking a break from me then as well. I don’t remember what he’s talking about and I don’t care. It was when I realized I didn’t care that I knew I was losing my desire to continue putting any work into our friendship, which gets to be more work than any friendship should be and a little too often. As they say, when you lose the will to argue, the friendship has worn off. Why tell him he’s the same exact guy he was at 26, minus the pot and ciggies? He’ll not only turn it around and say the same of me (though I wasn’t a pothead), but he won’t see what I see. I don’t know if he’s not smart enough to see that he’s never grown or matured as a person or intellectually or if he wouldn’t want to see it. I only know that one can’t make people see or believe what they don’t want to. It’s up to him to be the one to take a good long look in the mirror without bullshitting himself. No one can do that for him. In the past, I would at least let someone know why I was walking away from them, but as I said, I no longer have the will or the desire to argue, defend or explain myself to him. I’m just going to make a clean break. Any further messages, emails, comments, calls or postal mail I may get from him will go unread and deleted/dumped as soon as I know it’s from him or a name I don’t recognize. I will give him the journal copies I set aside for him since he’s always been afraid to go directly to my blog for some reason, claiming it’s “too hard” to keep track of where he left off that way. 

I wish him the best of luck and I hope happier times find their way to him soon enough and that he will someday see life in a more positive way, work through his trust issues, and be less offensive to others so he can have all the friends he thought I should have. I’m sorry he lives in a shitty neighborhood and that the people he cleans for are homophobic sickos who shit on him as well, but I don’t feel the need to be all negative just because things are going well for me and not for him. Looking ahead at what may go wrong with a particular plan for the sake of looking out for yourself is one thing, but always being negative is another. The guy totally sees the glass as half empty. 

Lastly, I get tired of having to pick, choose and censor my words, be it directly to him or on Facebook, knowing how paranoid and sensitive he is, always taking things personally. 

Later… 

Just thought I’d do a private entry while Tom is out picking up our prescriptions at Walmart and getting a new passport. Well, now that he found the cards you’re supposed to use if you lose your old passport, he can at least get the process underway. Hopefully, it won’t take too long. If worse comes to absolute worst, we’ll just go to Florida only. 

I wish there was an option to do some private tweets instead of having to be all or nothing. I could use Histofme for the private tweets or just save private things for private entries. I definitely feel a sense of freedom in my writing now that I have cut ties with Andy, and I also don’t feel a shred of guilt for doing it either. I’m confident I did the right thing. Having to censor journals online is one thing, but I would also want to add things in for him or edit out certain things and it was a real pain in the ass. I did so much for that guy and for what? Because he was too stupid or too afraid to go to the blog? Maybe even too lazy? Even Maliheh would say she was “spoiled” into getting it via email. 

Anyway, I was a little surprised that while he didn’t deactivate his Ask account like I deactivated the one I used with him, he blocked me on Facebook. Then I realized it was probably because of Norma. This way he can do to me what he did to his brother and say all kinds of nasty things about me without me seeing Norma’s response to it. At least I think that’s why he did it. 

If it were five years ago I would worry about him harassing me and maybe those I’m close to as well, but I don’t see him doing that nowadays, to be honest. I sure hope that by now he’s at least above and beyond that kind of childish revenge anyway. 

His shit has really made me appreciate Aly’s friendship all the more. She has never falsely accused me of lying, made fun of my fears and phobias, come off as insensitive, tried to judge or change me, or argued every other thing I say. She’s never been pushy and she cares enough to remember the things I tell her and to ask about what’s going on with me. 

I got a friend request from a stranger. No, it’s not connected to Andy because the request came in before he knew I dumped him. I asked if we had spoken anywhere before and they answered in Thai. Google Translate let me know that they were spammers. Wanted to sell me some diet shit or something. The person ended up doing me a favor because I learned something from them. Facebook now has the option of making the message appear to be unseen unless you click “Accept” to allow them to know you saw it. I clicked “Decline” and I immediately thought of Doc C. I seldom get spam so I have no idea how long this feature has existed. All I know is that in the past if you wanted to read something it would appear as having been read, but you could run and mark it as unread once again once you were done. 

So she and Nane may very well be reading my messages after all. I haven’t sent Nane a message in a long time and I have no desire to in the future, but I still wouldn’t mind giving Dr. C a piece of my mind where the meds and anxiety were concerned. Maybe I should let her know just how much info Dr. D withheld from me and that she was wrong in blaming most if not all of it on me instead of where it belonged… on the meds. Not that I have anything against her or think she was a bad doctor in general. But maybe she can learn from me and it might help others she encounters who are going through the same thing. 

I still peek in on her out of curiosity from time to time, and she’s still with the black guy. In fact, he must be from DC because she mentioned that she went there and met the family.

Yesterday we took the bikes out, but after just one trip around the circle, I had to come back. It's just too damn cold out there! Really, I don’t want to ride till the spring. I’ll stick to treadmilling for now. 

People are starting to have more company due to the holidays and that gets annoying with all the car door slamming. 

We installed the new garbage disposal yesterday and a handful of other things around the house. 

This morning we went to Walmart but didn’t get much. I wanted to find a long shirt or sweater for my black leggings and asked the girl what she recommended. She laughed and said, “Let’s get you out of the plus size. You’re about a medium, right?” 

I said yes and she showed me some options, only I wasn’t impressed with anything I saw. There were almost too many choices, making it seem overwhelming and like I didn’t know where to begin since everything seemed to blend in. I realized I’d be better off shopping online where I can search for specific styles, colors and measurements. 

I’d rather be laughed at than run over. Yeah, some psycho on a moped tried to run me over in my dreams last night. Only we were indoors and I was standing in the middle of a long corridor in a large building somewhere. I was with someone, though I don’t know who, and since they were riding too fast to stick a leg out and kick off the bike, we had to scramble into an alcove as fast as we could.

Now that the economy is better, Tom is going to be “hiring” me to enter sweeps for half a year or so and to manage his AARP and Coke Rewards accounts since I have more free time than he does. I highly doubt I can win much of anything with literally millions of people entering for things at just a simple click of a button, good economy or not, but I’ll enter anyway. It’s about the number of entrants more than the economy. When I was winning you’d have a few hundred to a few thousand entrants. Not 100K to millions of entrants. 

Went to Michael’s yesterday and I swear I never saw so many coloring books and one spot in my entire life. I ended up getting six of them… butterflies, flowers, abstract, etc. 

Got a GREAT deal on a shot glass display case I intend to use for my animal figurines. The ones that will fit in any way. It was half off so it only cost $30. Those things usually run around $80. 

It was kind of weird that they had pajama bottoms being an arts and crafts store, but I loved the ones with the rainbow-colored leopard spots, so I grabbed that and a bright pink-orange T-shirt to go with it. 

Lastly, we got the prettiest pair of scissors we ever had, LOL. It’s got a pink and purple design on the handle along with blue rhinestones in the center and blue blades. 

I spent most of the rest of the day eating a lot and being lazy. I deserved it. One doesn’t turn 50 every day. Then I dreamed that Hoodie started purring like a cat, haha.

As usual, I only saw the headline and didn’t read the article, but some black actress has been charged with assaulting a 17-year-old. How black is that? And let me guess… I go down for 6 months, plus probation for a fictitious letter all because my “victim” was black, but this black chick will get a slap on the wrist, right? Famous or not, rich or not, black or not, I’ll never understand why violent crimes are taken so much less seriously than things people supposedly say. Even theft gets harsher sentences. Still, the blacker you are these days, the less likely you are to be held accountable for your actions. 

I just don’t understand not only why we don’t do something about our deadly Muslims, but why not these violent, vicious, hateful, race card playing, rioting, looting blacks, too? Together they have ruined so, so many lives. Yet we keep making excuses for the blacks because they had it rough 100 years ago. Well, so did my Jewish ancestors! These two groups need to be addressed and dealt with appropriately! 

So now I’m half a century old! Pretty damn amazing and exciting considering that I once doubted I’d ever make it to 30. 

I don’t remember turning 10 or even 20, but my 30th birthday sucked (we were having the sex/baby fights we’d often have back then), my 40th was ok, and my 50th is great. I’m not talking about just that day, but my overall life at the time. I didn’t start journaling till I was almost 22, so I’ll have to look back to see what I did that day. I only know I was in the Pacific Northwest at the time. Turned 10 and 20 in Massachusetts, 30 in Arizona, 40 in Oregon, and 50 in California. What state will I turn 60 in? 

I saw a headline about something about diabetes medication that could extend your life to 120 years. I definitely must keep active and keep my weight down so I and less likely to become diabetic! As it is my hubby’s 8 years older, though his family medical history isn’t nearly as bad as mine. 

My birthday wishes actually started on Facebook at 3:30 yesterday afternoon since I have friends overseas. It’s funny how they start off in other languages, and then switch to English. LOL 

I slept well and will be going out today. My heart did race me awake a couple of nights ago, but I had to get up and pee anyway, and it slowed down really fast. Getting overheated or going through menopause is going to do that to me at times, anxious or not. 

We got some good rain yesterday but today will be 60° and sunny. If it’s under 70° it’s too cold. 

Tammy and I exchanged Facebook voice posts. They’re a pain in the ass, but easier than typing. It’s also easier than chatting live by phone because even with a cell, going to the bathroom if you need to is still a pain in the ass. Facebook is more convenient. 

She’s been having fun gardening and shared some pics. Wish the outside of our place looked as good! She’s got the perfect amount of plants. Here it looks like they tried to sloppily jam in as much as they could fit. If I could snap my fingers I’d have mostly white gravel with a few scattered palms. 

She still deals with the pain of that fibromyalgia which is said to be a very complex disease that affects the entire body. Damn! And I thought having my thyroid attacked was bad. She also said something about a procedure they’re going to do on her legs, and if it works they’ll cut some nerves so she’s not in as much pain every day. They oughta cut my ear nerves that they damaged, but I’d hardly describe what I go through as excruciating as it is in her case. Mine’s just annoyingly uncomfortable and it’s not constant. 

Mark will have to work some of the time, but she’s looking forward to showing us around and showing me some pics. I don’t know why, but at first, I thought it had to do with our parents, and well, no one wants to spend much time discussing those they don’t like for whatever reason and that was abusive to them, right? But she assured me the vacation will be all about us, and that the pics consist of the girls and some of us when we were younger. I felt bad for assuming incorrectly, but hey, it happens at times. As I told her, though, I would never deliberately try to offend her. We’re too old for that shit, and without negative influences butting in and trying to pin us against each other like our parents and brother often loved to do, having an enjoyable relationship as sisters should be much easier. 

Oh, I can tell you that the day I get to run into my big sis’s arms and hug my nieces for the first time in 24 years (she thought it was 27 or 28, though 24 is still too damn long), it’s going to be one serious emotional moment. It’ll just be the opposite this time; I’ll have less hair and more of me. Haha, she’s never seen me 24 pounds overweight or with glasses. 

Going grocery shopping today, as well as out to some stores, and this will be the first time I will buy foods based on calories AND cholesterol amounts, in an effort to bring my cholesterol down even more.

This is my first entry with my new solar keyboard and my new dress. The keyboard is easier to adapt to than I thought it would be. I can see why Tom would love his. I’m glad I got mine in silver instead of black. The keys are more visible in dimmer light this way, even if I rarely look at them. The only key I’m not seeing is a refresh key. Love how it’s wireless and can stay charged for up to 3 months even in darkness. It’s definitely worth it for any Mac user, though I suppose they may have one that’ll work with Windows. 

So sad about the mass shootings in San Bernardino. Yeah, let’s all “pray” for them even if they’re dead now, because “thoughts and prayers” really do help keep those crazy gunmen in check. Seriously, I know one has a right to their own personal beliefs, but sometimes you just want to grab a needle and pop people’s little fantasy bubbles. I'm not for banning guns altogether as I believe in the right to bear arms for personal protection, but we definitely need to start doing background checks on people. REAL background checks. 

Got a call from my PCP's office yesterday. First I thought she was calling to tell me she called in a statin prescription, which I definitely don't want to take with all the medication nightmares I've been through. However, all she said was that it was better (the thyroid meds brought it down) and to do the labs again in 3 months. Yes! As I told her, and plan to tell Doc A on the 9th, I’m actively doing things to help it even more by watching how I eat. I’m just relieved to know she’s not going to try to push statins on me when I see her. I just want to ask her a few questions about menopause, get an inhaler in case of an emergency, and get out. 

I also got a call from the shrink’s office. My first thought was oh no! Don’t you dare cancel on me. I just want to get you over with! But all they wanted was to bump me up an hour on the same day. No prob. 

Yesterday was surprisingly quiet with one disappointment. The house that’s off by the driveway corner of our house is for sale and it’s a house with a garage. I’ve only heard sawing from that particular garage 2 or 3 times since we’ve lived here, but since that’s what most old people seem to think that’s what garages are for I dread what may move in there, not to mention all the traffic as they show it and move. With my shit luck, they’ll have a loud car stereo or a motorcycle. 

Chatted briefly with our really nice mailwoman who delivers on Joe’s day off. That’s our regular. She loves this route since she can use the bathroom at the clubhouse, has no side streets, no vicious dogs to worry about, etc. She tells Joe to hurry up and retire so she can bid on this route. 

On the way back from the mailboxes, I caught Bob as he was pulling his golf clubs from Jim’s trunk. So that’s where those two go, huh? Anyway, I waved to Jim and Bob called out a hello. I then asked Bob if he’s had any problems with theft in the nearly 30 years he’s been here. Never, he said. That’s when I told him my bike was stolen and he was quite shocked, pointing out how he leaves his bike out all the time. Yeah, but what I didn’t tell him is that his is a boring typical bike. Mine was a definite eye-catcher. 

Speaking of bikes, I was riding one in my dreams last night, only its front wheel was bent. 

Then someone tried to tell me that the cast of the show I watch, Criminal Minds, were really FBI agents in real life.

I was all set to do an entry, fingers poised over the keyboard. But then I realized I didn’t have anything to say. The only thing I can say is that the landscaping drove me crazy from 7:30 yesterday morning until around noon. I could hear it in various sections of the park. I still can’t believe how much daytime noise I hear here. It’s just ridiculous at times. 

I also got a message from an Amazon seller saying that one of the animal figurines I ordered was out of stock. Then why did they have it listed? 

My new keyboard arrives today and I’m hoping I can get used to it easily enough as I don’t usually do well with change. 

I guess that’s it. I think I will go watch my show while it’s still dark and quiet.

I didn’t read the article, but when I saw a headline about a black guy being arrested for making threats against whites, it put a smile on my face. It’s about time they were held accountable for threats against us, just like we’re held accountable for threats against them. NO group should ever be allowed to threaten another. It pissed me off how we would just laugh off their threats for the longest time. Well, the more you allow someone to get away with something, the more they’ll do it. We can’t say we're striving for equality if we allow certain people to do things that we don't allow others to do. The double standards simply aren’t fair. 

Because my cholesterol is bad but not THAT bad, I’ve decided to eat healthier and less of it, too. I prefer natural remedies to pills and I think I can get it pretty damn close to okay. You know that IF diet I mentioned being the only thing that works for me? Well, I don’t want to damage my metabolism any further by not eating for the first 8 hours of my day, so I’m having little things along the way to “trick” my body into thinking it’s not being starved the first half of its day. Most importantly, I need to back off the red meat. 

An important function key on my keyboard is getting stuck a lot, so since Tom recommended the keyboard he’s been using which is specially made for Macs, we ordered me one. Only his is black and mine will be silver. Its batteries are sealed inside and should never need replacing. It’s wireless, and solar charges in both natural and unnatural light. I’ll have to keep my nails shorter with chiclet keys, but it’s a full-size keyboard with a very similar layout to the one that I’m so used to. 

Tom was amazingly productive on his days off. He took apart and cleaned the treadmill. He also tightened a bolt that was causing the platform to rattle a bit. Then he printed out tablet stands on the 3D printer. 

Really hope it’s not as noisy as yesterday was. Between the park doing the streets and common area, and Bob, I had to listen to over an hour of landscaping and it’s totally annoying. But the house across the street is on for today and I’m sure others will be running something loud somewhere. If it were up to me I’d always be on nights unless I had appointments. 

I had a dream I was visiting my nieces. Becky had to run some errands, so I hung out with Sarah and the 2 or 3 kids she was babysitting. It was Halloween and we were making costumes. She asked if I figured out what I wanted to be yet and I said no, and that with my luck I wouldn’t figure it out until it was time to go. Then she went to give me a hug but I quickly pulled back because I spotted a spider on the wall behind her. She grabbed a can of bug spray and started spraying the wall furiously, LOL.

We went to Walgreens real early in the morning and it was a miserable 28°. I should have just stayed home, but I do like my Dollhouse Pink lipstick. This is the 4-hour Megalast in the form of a stick instead of the 8-hour Megalast that you brush on. Not only does bright pink look much better on me than I thought it would, but the stuff is perfect. It's not dry and stiff or all over my teeth. I haven’t had to moisten it with lip balm either. 

I spent the last couple of days fine-tuning the cross-posting to Blogger and LiveJournal. I had problems with margins, picture sizing, and paragraphs disappearing on me, so rather than copy the text from Word, it seems to work better if I just do it directly in an email and then copy it to Word. 

I might have to get a new keyboard since there is an important key that doesn’t want to work very easily lately. 

A couple of nights ago I heard gunshots at about 1:30 in the morning. Tom usually checks national and international news so I asked him to do a quick check of the local news and see if anything happened at that time. A couple of people did shoot and kill each other in a south Sacramento restaurant, but that was a whole 20 miles away. Could I really hear that far even though the timeframe was right? 

Someone asked me if I believe there’s anything up there that picks and chooses what happens to us, or if I think it's all random. The truth is I don't have a clue. All I know is that I hope nothing up there would actively choose for bad things to happen to us, but again, I don’t have a clue. 

My dreams were anything but pleasant last night. In one dream I had to kill an intruder and it took me forever to do it because I was doing it with nothing but my fists and feet. It looked like I was going to be the one to be killed at first, but when I thought of never seeing Tom again or getting to visit my sister, it gave me the strength to deliver the blow that would knock them unconscious. Then I could stomp on his neck and kick his head in since my chokeholds didn’t seem to work. 

In another dream, we were at some lodge or something. There was like a community room and then people's bedrooms kind of surrounded it. Some guy was hanging around who made me feel kind of uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be alone. I started off playing some game on a handheld device with half a dozen or so people around me in that room as well as adjoining rooms. But then when I looked up after a while I saw that I was alone. I quickly gathered up my stuff and ran into our room where Tom was asleep. At first I worried the guy killed him, but once I felt confident that he was sleeping and not dead, I got into bed as well.

“I would rather make enemies being who I am than many friends being who I’m not.” 

Great quote, whoever wrote it. 

Winter is upon us full force and the only good in it is that a lot of spiders have been killed off as we finally hit freezing. I hate it otherwise, and the thought of spending that many more years here kind of makes me want to scream at times. Oh well. At least it doesn’t snow here. 

I also realized I like this house better than any house we’ve ever had together, regardless of climate or what you can hear outside of it. I hated the layout of the Phoenix house, and while the Maricopa house was newer, two people simply don’t need 2170 square feet of space, even if they like to collect a bunch of junk. It had a very unique layout, and it did have a few positive traits over this house, but for the most part, the layout and spacing of this house are much more ideal for us. 

Some of the fairy elves and animal figurines started arriving and they’re so adorable. The bird lady is just okay, but the figure skater is fantastic! The golden retriever puppy and the otter are so adorably cute. 

I had another dream where Simone was suddenly back living with us and I was determined to keep her this time around. But then my determination was shot by the realization of knowing that sooner or later my asthma would flare up and I would have wheezing and congestion all over again, and that she really couldn’t stay. 

Then I had a strange dream where Tom and I were riding in the car somewhere at night. Suddenly, all the numbers digitally displayed along the dashboard were upside down. We pulled into a parking lot somewhere and I saw a cop car slowly go by with its lights off I wasn’t even sure at first if it was a cop car or not. I wondered if they were on the lookout for an escaped convict in the area. 

Then I was the escaped convict. I don’t know what I was convicted of, but I apparently managed to break out of prison somehow. I was in a busy diner watching a news broadcast about myself on their TV. The woman spoke of how I was smarter than the average inmate and how I managed to fool them because I had been observant and understanding of many things. I appreciated the compliments on my intellect but wasn’t thrilled with the fact that they seemed to know my whereabouts.