Tired of the poor-quality Lifetime movies on YouTube that I’ve been watching, I’m now giving Mindhunter a try on Netflix.

Chatted with Mr. Twenties yesterday who is painting their house silver with burgundy trim. When Tom and I were walking earlier we chatted with both of them for a minute when they were driving by the lake.

Saw Mr. Twenties again later on when we were trimming the African daisies in the front. The weather is gorgeous now. The only thing spoiling it is the plane game going on in the sky.

They’re doing a variety show which they’re going to be participating in. 25 years ago I would’ve jumped at the opportunity to join in, but since my interests shifted from singing and dancing to writing and languages I wouldn’t feel comfortable performing nowadays. It’s just not as fun as it used to be, even though my voice has improved with age and lack of smoking.

Today I’m not as confident that I’ll hear from Kathleen on Facebook as I was the last few days. I guess when you’ve recently seen someone you see things differently, but I agree with Tom in that I’m unlikely to ever hear from her. Even if she was attracted to me and even if there were no ethnic issues in her mind, I have my doubts simply because most people don’t follow through with what they say they’re going to do.

LOL, the rats were out loose and I had to make sure they didn’t charge the door when I was going to get the mail, even though these rats aren’t as curious about the outdoors as others have been. Even so, Bob was getting the trash bins of the guy who had a stroke and Virginia was getting their own when I told her that the rats might want to follow me to get the mail. She makes a face and goes, “Ugh, keep ‘em over there.”

LMAO!

I had a dream last night that Tom and I were walking somewhere. I was ahead of him. When I turned back I saw some young guy bump into him and I had a bad feeling about it. That was when Tom checked his pockets and realized the guy had swiped his wallet. I ran off in pursuit of him and was led into this doorless brightly lit room with a discarded purse on the floor that I assumed had been stolen.

“I’m going to beat the shit out of him!” I shouted.

“No you’re not,” Tom said as I realized the guy had disappeared into thin air.

Then Tom began doing something on a computer that sat on a table nearby.

Anyway, I could whine and say why couldn’t I have attracted Stacey and Kathleen before I was married, but I wouldn’t have wanted them then. I was a lot pickier as far as what I was attracted to in those days. It still would have been nice to have them until I met Tom.

Still a little sore when I eat but getting better. When Tom saw Deep at work yesterday she said she was sore, too. She needs six cavities and I guess something isn’t right with her jaw either. I’m lucky in that my jaw and bone structure have always been good. It’s the enamel that I got shortchanged on. Deep’s husband is also going to need a lot of work so the good doc ought to appreciate all the business we’re sending her way.

In Indian culture, they live with their relatives. The parents always go to live the rest of their lives with their oldest male child when he marries. I guess part of that is why Deep and her husband really spoil their two-year-old son, from what I hear. As in your modern-day parents who basically don’t believe in teaching manners and discipline, LOL. Good God, though, 5 people in one apartment? No matter how much I didn’t like being alone I think that might be overkill for almost anyone.

Tom says they’re going through and cleaning out their place because they have a lot of junk accumulated, and asked if I would want any of her scented stuff, which I always love, like lotions and perfumes. Sure, why not?

When I said maybe we could meet sometime, he laughed and assured me that we wouldn’t like each other. She’s religious which I don’t like, and I talk too much which she doesn’t like. I would definitely rather get together with Kathleen! She doesn’t shut up either but at least we have more common ground.

The way she said, “We’ll talk soon” at the end of her message to me gave me a slight spark of hope. I know that’s a figure of speech that many people end conversations and messages with but it was more in the way she said it. Besides, it just doesn’t seem like something you would close with to someone who isn’t returning to the office they work in until spring.

I think I might take a break from editing past stories until after November NaNo. That way I won’t feel rushed. I’m going to have enough pressure on me trying to write 1600 words a day to win NaNo. I don’t think I’ll win, though, not because I can’t write that much in a day but because I just don’t think I have enough ideas for the two stories I’ll be working on. Below is the synopsis for both of them, but only the first one’s info will be filled out on NaNo.

Synopsis for Stepping into Psycho:

You’re young, beautiful, and you have your whole life ahead of you. But then a tragic accident leaves you in a coma. Nearly three decades later you awaken to a whole new world. Many of the people you knew have died or moved on. You feel alone in a now-foreign world.

Only you’re not alone. Nurse Flora is with you. This sweet, frail, seemingly harmless nurse is determined to help bring you back to life.

And she’ll happily do it at anyone’s expense.

Synopsis for Roomies:

Two lesbian couples living together is fine. But what happens when one of them feels she’s with the wrong partner and the partner of the person she wants is in the way?

Felicia and Lillian are a couple. So are Sherry and Sage. Sherry has always desired Felicia. Sage eventually leaves Sherry. In Sherry’s mind, this puts her one step closer to Felicia. Now all she has to do is figure out how to eliminate Lillian.

A fun weekend ahead with Tom, chatting with Kathleen to look forward to, a record time without periods, a little weight loss, a lot of calmness… Trying not to think that things are a little too good to be true lately. I’m in the same situation I was in last year, only this time it involves Kathleen and not Stacey. I’m trying not to have the attitude that while bad things do eventually get better, good things also have a way of blowing up in our faces sooner or later.

The wildfires rage on in Cali and while it’s been a very devastating, sad and scary situation, we’re safe so far. They’re about 40 miles away from us. It was nice of people like Marie to care enough to ask. Of course, I haven’t gotten anything from my family.

Bob is working on something and has the garage door shut. I appreciate him having the door shut to muffle the sound even if that may not be why it’s shut.

Suddenly not feeling so calm anymore. Could it be that I’m not used to things going so well? My medication? Or is my paranoia radar turned on due to the silent message I got from someone in Maliheh’s town of Fayetteville? It wasn’t totally silent, though. During the 4-second message, it almost sounded like birds chirping as if the person was outdoors or something. After what they did to me in Phoenix I’m going to be paranoid for life! It’s just strange that I would get a call from there, even if it was likely a wrong number, after I get another spam/scam message from her Yahoo account. She’s so vindictive and the type that would no doubt do anything she could to set me up, but after all this time of ghosting me I would think she has better things to do. I sure hope so anyway. I don’t see how the police could get this number without hacking any of my accounts, and if they had they would have left a message just like they would have back in 2012. I ran the number and it goes to a Debra H. She doesn’t seem to be affiliated with the law in any way. I’m not gonna sweat it, though. All I did was tell Maliheh at her Gmail email account to take the responsibility of getting the damn account shut down because I want absolutely nothing to do with her.

When I was getting my green glow-in-the-dark nail polish from Joe yesterday, he was telling me that things were terrible the day before because he had so many packages to deliver. I told him I was in the dentist’s chair for 3.5 hours that day, LOL.

I was watching a video about a little girl who dressed up all pretty and left alone on the street at which time many people approached her with concern. Then they dressed her in filthy clothes and when she went back outside she was ignored. They did the same thing in a restaurant. When she was dressed up nice people gave her the money she begged for, but when she looked all bummy, she didn’t get shit.

It’s sad but true that looks still matter greatly in society and I won’t deny the fact that I’m 100% guilty of using my appearance to get ahead in life. I was never a beauty queen but if I hadn’t had the looks to be hired as an exotic dancer back in the 90s, I never would have ended up living where I lived which happened to be next to my future husband.

Same thing applies to today. I’m still no beauty queen and I’m actually a little bit heavy now, but I’m still just as flattered - maybe even more so because I’m aging - when a man or woman notices/compliments me. And yes, I’m still guilty of dressing to impress my husband along with an occasional lady like Kathleen, haha. If I don’t see her before my next appointment, though, I’m going to really throw her for a loop and surprise her with a little rattitude. Yeah, as in my rat shirt. :-) I’ll probably still have makeup on, though. If it weren’t for having to lie back in the dentist’s chair, I’d really surprise her with the hairpiece (long curls attached to a claw clip). But that wouldn’t be very comfortable for the dentist.

While it may not be fair that many people are overlooked in many different ways simply because they don’t meet society’s beauty standards, I still say if you’ve got something, use it. As long as no one’s being hurt along the way, I don’t see any harm in using one’s look to get what they want any more than using one’s skills or anything else. So however conceited some people may find it to be, I don’t mind going out of my way at times to give certain people a little something to look at. I don’t have to be gorgeous, but I don’t mind being a little less of an eyesore than I might be if I were less fortunate. Part of it does come from regular exercise, of course. As a short, aging Hashi, I would probably be a giant if I didn’t keep active.

Now here’s something I don’t get. This isn’t meant to judge or condemn any of those God-believers out there, but I don’t get the free will versus God’s plan thing. People say they have free will in one breath and that God has a plan for them in another. But isn’t that a bit contradicting? What’s the point of granting people free will if you’re just going to plan their lives for them? Am I missing something here?

For once I had interesting dreams. In the first one, I went to see a GYN who worked out of her house. She had several guests over at the time and some were playing pool. I kept wondering when she was finally going to bring me to wherever she examined patients, and when I finally asked her, she said, “You’re putting me in a strange situation,” or something like that, and I knew that what she was really saying was that she was too attracted to me to be my doctor.

“We could always be friends, you know,” I said.

“You would be up for that?” she asked, smiling brightly.

I assured her I would be, noting all the smokers in the room and picking up a cigarette and saying something about not smoking anymore.

In another dream, I was living in a Valleyhead-like place, but the place was a lot nicer. It was both cozier and homier and there was a lot more freedom there. I seemed to get along well with the girls, well, women and was getting a ride back to the house with one of my “sisters.”

“So if I went to someone’s house and then back to the house again I wouldn’t get in trouble for it? You can do that?” I asked someone, and they said yes.

Then I was at the house and asked someone sitting in the small living room if they would mind my dusting a bit, and they shook their head and said, “M-mm.” So I stepped into the small kitchen off the living room to fetch the dusting wand.

In the last dream, I was having dinner at a long table with several family members. I was at one end of the table. Two or three seats away sat Bill, and we seemed to be coexisting peacefully and I didn’t seem to harbor any hard feelings toward him, something that would never happen in real life. It’s one thing to respect my nieces from a distance. It’s another, if the cock were still alive, to put it in the same room with me. The issue also didn’t seem to be what it really was. I guess the fight had been all about a disagreement over my weight, haha. He said that his only problem back then was that people would claim I was small but he didn’t think so.

Yeah, whatever buddy. If I see you in the afterlife I’m still going to kick your ass for all you caused my husband and I to go through.

“Hi, cutie,” Kathleen greeted me as I entered my dentist’s office yesterday. Again a part of me thought she was just being friendly while my gut instinct said otherwise. Is anyone really that touchy-feely and full of flattering compliments that are just being friendly? LOL, if I were homophobic then the last few years would really piss me off between her and Stacey. Despite what my gut is telling me, I still seriously doubt I’ll ever hear from her outside of the office. I realize this doesn’t mean she hasn’t at least looked in on me. She likely isn’t going to contact me because she works for me, as Tom pointed out, even if she may not work for me in the way the doctor does. Or maybe she’s put off by my not driving or feels that her attraction is all the more reason to stay away from me because we’re both married. Maybe she feels a friendship wouldn’t be enough for her. But then maybe she’s crazy. As I’ve learned, anyone can be crazy, and sometimes that includes people who are some of the nicest and seemingly harmless people on earth. And yet again maybe she really is just being super nice, even though I’ve never seen her treat other patients the same way, not that I’ve seen her interact with every patient that goes in there.

I was there for 3.5 hours and it was definitely a rough ride. So I’m quite relieved that it’s over even though it ended up costing us $800 instead of $600. The fucking insurance company didn’t pay as much for the mouthguard as we thought. Sometimes I wonder what the point is of having insurance when you still have to pay a fortune anyway. If it’s going to alleviate some of my pain and sensitivity, however, then it’s worth it. Tom is wonderful in that instead of throwing up his hands and saying, “Damn, you’re an expensive wife,” he has no problem making sure I get what I need.

So I said to Kathleen, “Guess what color?” since she always checks out my nails. She guessed purple. Wrong! But she was still amazed by how tiny my glittery red nails were as she took them in her hands to inspect them, saying something about princess nails. She wore the same pale pink nail color she had the last time and the same dull lipstick, a matte shade of terra-cotta. I think she would look better in light pink.

“We’re on the same page there,” she said in regard to my comment on her sparkly lapels (I wore a sparkly top). LOL, other than that she was dressed just as lamely as she was the last time. She’s a sweetheart, but we’re definite opposites in appearance. She wore a white blouse with clear gemstones on the lapels. She had a navy pantsuit on over it which hung from her too-thin frame like it would on a manikin. She’s even skinnier than Stacey. They probably both weigh about 100 pounds but Stacey is 5’ where Kathleen is about 5‘6” or 5‘7”. She’s a very frail woman. Stacey definitely had the better body, and probably the better everything except for the height and eyes. I definitely appreciate Kathleen’s height and I think she has prettier eyes, even though I usually prefer dark eyes to light.

Instead of what I thought would be Shannan coming to get me, she came around and opened the door just like last time and said they had my room ready for me. Then it was show-and-tell time as usual, haha. She put an arm around my left shoulder, took hold of my right hand and held it out to show my dazzling nails and outfit to Holly and Michaela. “Doesn’t she always look so cute?” she said.

Keeping her arm around my shoulder as if I was disabled or something, I gave her a quick hug with the arm that was closest to her and said, “I wish I was as thin as you.” Well, maybe not quite that thin, but her response was, “You’re beautiful,” and then she stopped to show me off to the doctor, even though she was still working on someone.

What was both strange and funny is that her actions sort of mimicked the dream I recently had of her kissing me on my head.

Finally, I was seated in the last room down. It was as freezing as usual and she told me to let her know if I wanted a blanket. I thought I would be okay but when Holly went by I flagged her down.

“Hello, beautiful,” she said and I asked for that blanket. Hell, I could’ve even used my new gloves in that place! I asked Holly why they keep it so cold and she said they get hot while they’re working if they don’t. She and the doctor both laughed when I said, “Where are the hot flashes when you need them?”

The only real disappointment besides all the time and money was learning that Shannan left. All the doctor said was that she wanted to do something else, whatever that is. Shannan is in her 30s, so she has many working years ahead of her. Meanwhile, Tom and I are getting the impression that the new doctor, who I haven’t seen yet, will eventually take over my doctor’s patients. At that time I’ll make a decision whether or not to stay or go somewhere else. If this doctor is suitable enough, then I may stay there because I know the staff well and feel comfortable with them. I’d miss Holly cleaning my teeth and I would certainly miss Kathleen. I worry that she’ll leave too, though she’s a little old to be suddenly wanting to do something else. I think she’s older than I realized. I thought she was around 50, but upon closer inspection of those zipper lips (lines on the edges of her lips) and overall appearance, she could be between 55 and 60. Wrinkles are more common in skinnier people, though. By most people’s standards, she’s very average in appearance but her friendliness gives her an air of attractiveness. She was probably pretty good-looking 20 years ago. She does have nice teeth and eyes. It’s the rest of her that’s just there. She’s too thin and her nose appears half-moon shaped from the side. We were surprised to learn her beautiful teeth are crowns. I wonder if she got them because she needed to or just for appearance.

Again, I don’t expect to hear from her, but I’m surprised she’s still this friendly, and even more so with each visit. I don’t go back until March so this will be a true test as to just how much she wants to connect with me. If she did, then I would think I would hear from her somewhere between now and my next appointment. If I don’t hear from her before then, then I definitely never will. The fact that I haven’t yet makes me wonder if I’ve got her all wrong or if I’m right on but she’s hesitant for the reasons I already mentioned. I should know for sure either way by March. Even Shannan once brought up on her own coming to see my rats, and she also said she’d look me up but she never did. People will say things out of kindness or to put you at ease and make you feel more comfortable around them, but you definitely can’t take them literally. A friendship might still be nice no matter how she likes me.

Anyway, the office isn’t so white anymore because Kristi, the new Shannan, is Hispanic. She’s just sort of there. I liked Shannan better. She made me feel more comfortable and I definitely felt safe with her maybe because she was so big. Becky H once said that no one wants to hug a stick, and I see her point. Hugging Kathleen felt like hugging a stick.

Jessica said hello too, before the doctor came in and had Kristi scan pictures of my teeth for the insurance company. Tom may have a phobia of dentists but he sure would appreciate how high-tech things are there. They have some really cool equipment.

It took about a half-hour for all the drilling, maybe slightly less. It was no fun at all. The doctor used a different type of numbing agent that was also free of epinephrine but did a better job blocking pain. I still needed her to stop a few times to give me additional shots because it is still a short-acting drug. Just not as short as the other stuff.

She had Kristi insert this thing that kept my jaw open when she was working on the upper tooth because I kept zoning out and closing on her, LOL. It’s hard to continually keep your mouth open as wide as possible anyway, trust me. With the bottom one, it wasn’t as important.

They gave me large sunglasses to wear to keep the glare of the light out of my eyes as well as the powdery tooth fragment floating in the air. The smell was bad enough. I hate the sound of that damn drill and I’m so glad it’s over! It’s like metal train wheels screeching along the tracks. I still managed to go through the whole thing without any chill pills.

Once I was all drilled out, Kristi told me I could go ahead and walk around while they were printing my crowns. I went out into the waiting room but by then things were so busy that Kathleen and I didn’t have any time to chat. People were coming and going and when they weren’t, she was either on the phone, talking to the staff, or busy on the computer. This woman left at one point and Kathleen looked at her strangely as they left. In anger? Irritation? Frustration? Her expression was hard to read and I didn’t want to stare her down either.

I did learn that she has a daughter because during one of her phone calls she told someone, “Thanks, but I’m good for now. I had a birthday and my daughter took care of me.”

Kristi, “mesmerized” by my sparkly shirt and Swarovski-like bracelet, came and got me a half-hour later and I thought the crowns would be printed by then, but the doctor had actually been designing them. I forgot that part. Even though this 3-D printer is radically different than Tom’s, you don’t simply print things out just like that. They wanted to do a color comparison first and then they printed them out. It was so cool too, because while I couldn’t see the printer, they started it on the computer that was by the chair I sat in and I could see the progress and time counting down. Each one took about 10 minutes to print, but then I had to wait for it to cool down, so it was quite a long appointment. Like I said, I couldn’t see the printer but I could hear it. It didn’t make the obnoxious alien sound Tom’s does, but it sort of reminded me of an old dot matrix printer, only lower-pitched and less screechy.

So she finally seated the crowns and I was good to go. Kathleen was just getting off the phone as we were heading out the door, so I got to say goodbye to her. She never mentioned contacting me, so neither did I.

I slept with the mouthguard last night with no problem and awoke with no TMJ pain at all. It’s too soon, however, to get a sense of how helpful it will be. At least I know I won’t have to worry about grinding my teeth this way.

My gums and jaw are a bit sore today, understandably, but my bite is right on. At first I worried that the new bottom tooth was too tall. My bite seemed to only hit down on that side, but as Tom said, it was just the residual effects of the numbing agent giving me that feeling.

Since I’ll likely be canceling my shrink appointment, all I should have until I see Dr. A on my birthday is an eye exam next Monday, and then a trip to the lab for both of us on Tuesday. He’s having the standard routine tests done and I’ll have my thyroid tested. I’m certainly under 16 now but there’s no way I could be in the single digits. I’m too calm.

After the dentist, we stopped at Wendy’s and ate with the usual blasting music. I’m so sick of having music forced on me whether it’s stuff I like or not. I’m there to either eat or shop, not listen to music. But we didn’t opt to take it to go, so music is what we got.

I’m even sicker of the never-ending slew of projects around here. The general traffic and landscaping are enough. They were paving streets a few streets down, and loud vehicles and equipment were coming and going by the house the last two days. Now there’s a work truck at B & V’s and I wonder how much racket I’ll be in for there. Please tell me they don’t need to be tented! That was maddening from across the street, so coming from right next to me would definitely mean I wouldn’t be getting any sleep depending on when they did it. All the hammering and sawing would drive me crazy for damn sure. That’s not just a one or two-day job but more like a week or two.

They’re still cleaning out the house across from Jon & Carolyn, too.

OMG, Kathleen just left a message! No joke. Of course, I fucking missed it because I don’t always have the phone nearby. She called to thank me for referring Deep, saying she’s delightful and she can see how we’d be friends. She also wanted to see how I was doing. Also, it was wonderful to see me yesterday, call her if I need anything, and we’ll talk soon.

Will we? I hope so, but either way, I called her back and got sent to VM. I told her she must be psychic because I was just thinking of her (for real) and explained that while I’m glad they like Deep, I don’t actually know her. She’s Tom’s coworker. Out of curiosity, I’ll have to ask Tom what she looks like. I know she’s a lot younger, like around 30.

I just realized I got a text message from them with a link to review them but when I clicked the link it said that it was removed because it violates their TOS. Oh well. I’ve reviewed them on Yelp and Google+ already.

Okay, so to finally wrap up this entry which has taken nearly all day so far thanks to both my ADD and Kathleen distracting me (at least I’m having trouble focusing in a good way for once), I’m totally disappointed though not surprised that the really loud car is back after more than a week of enjoying its absence. They were probably just vacationing somewhere.

What else… yesterday was 15 weeks since my last period and all five pairs of my glasses have been cleaned in our ultrasonic cleaner.

Not at all looking forward to tomorrow’s dental surgery. I remind myself, as always, that anything is better than chemically induced anxiety, sprinkled with a bunch of wacky hormones. Anything. Damn, do I wish I could stand the anxiety (and I know it’s just a matter of time before it returns) so I could lose just 10 pounds. Just 10 pounds… that’s all I’d settle for at this point. But it’s just too awful of a feeling. It would be like trying to keep your head under water for 20 minutes or so. It’s just not going to happen.

I’m just about to cross the border of my 3.5-month no-period record. I would have to get to November without a period and to April without anxiety to really get any serious hope of being out of the woods as far as that goes.

My pit rash was much better until I shaved. So what am I supposed to do to keep it away for good, walk around with hairy pits for the rest of my life?

I was so full from yesterday’s meal at the IHOP that I didn’t eat for six hours, and when I did, it was just a small snack. I’m amazed that I woke up down 2/10 of a pound. I forgot to mention the gingerbread cocoa I had as well. They had pumpkin spice and gingerbread. I chose the gingerbread, and damn was it good! The mug it came in was huge too, almost like a soup bowl. It was topped with thick creamy whipped cream. One of the good things about not eating out regularly is that it makes it all the more special when we do. We just might return to the same place next time and get the same thing.

I’m not sure if I remembered to mention this or not, but a couple of mornings ago I took a walk over to the other side of the circle. The loud car wasn’t there but the quieter one was. If the house has been sold there are no signs saying that’s the case, so I really don’t know what’s going on. I’m sure that if the car doesn’t return, someone will get a motorcycle to make up for it, knowing my shit luck.

Since I’m going to be at the dentist for so long tomorrow, Tom’s going to read the book I last edited. After that’s published I’ll edit one more this month, then resume editing older stories in December. November will be to focus on NaNoWriMo.

We’re now 20 months away from having options as far as the earliest Tom could retire. It’s unlikely that he will at that time, though, because I don’t think we’d have enough money unless we wanted to live in a dumpy studio apartment back up and Klamath Falls. But it will still be nice to know we’ll have the choice 20 months from now!

After going on so many shopping sprees over the last five years, getting more than I need and just about everything I could ever want and getting that out of my system, I could easily stand to give up some things so he could retire early. If we’d remained broke it would’ve been harder because I would’ve missed out on so many opportunities. But now that I’ve had those opportunities, and now that the physical and emotional suffering I went through has made monetary hardships seem like nothing, I could easily give things up if I had to or wanted to.

But he’s still working and we’re still shopping. So… drain opener is on the way, along with glow-in-the-dark nail polish, an additional sticker for the kitchen, and a hanging crystal.

Looks like Maliheh never did regain control of her Yahoo email account because I just got spammed again and so did several of her contacts. I didn’t click the link because that’s a dangerous thing to do, but I’m sure it was either a virus, a phishing program, or a link to some kind of sex enhancer.

I’m a little surprised she hasn’t been able to contact Yahoo to get the account shut down if not back in her own hands. Just to piss her off, figuring it will get back to her somehow, I replied to her contacts, LOL. But yeah, unless she’s even more vindictive and heartless than I ever gave her credit for and it’s really some kind of an elaborate entrapment scheme, that account has been totally taken over. A few of her contact’s emails bounced. I’m not worried about it either way, but it definitely seems like she’s been hacked as opposed to any kind of game she’s playing.

On to Aly, the proudly owned submissive who just moved into an apartment building with her master and is just so pleased that the other tenants are in her age group. Yeah, Aly has never been into opposites. The more you have in common with her, the more she’ll like you. And of course the crazier you are and the more you’re willing to tell her what she wants to hear helps, too. If she was being truthful about her health conditions, and if I understood everything she told me, then according to my friend Kim, she’s looking at five years or less to live.

Why would she go from dating a woman to moving in with some guy as his sex slave, though, if her days were numbered? Maybe she’s in denial or she’s resolved to live her life as if she’s not dying and make the most of it and get whatever she can out of it before she dies.

I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for her with the way she’s treated me, but what a shitty hand to be dealt in life. First, you get breast cancer when you’re only in your 20s and you need a double mastectomy. Then you get this. I wonder if she would have treated me better had she not had these issues to deal with.

Later…

I saw Bob talking to a couple of guys who were under his house earlier. What kind of project am I in for next, and how much hammering and sawing will there be?

Chatted with Jon on Facebook and was stunned to learn he’s going to be 70 in a few months. Really thought Carolyn was my age and that he was in his late 50s, early 60s at the latest. He teased me by saying I was such a suck-up, but thanks anyway. I’m serious. They’re definitely older than I thought they were. No wonder they’re retired. When Carolyn told me they were retired I thought it was a little weird, but just figured they were doing really well and could afford to retire early. Carolyn thanked me very much for thinking she was my age, LOL.

In reading back on some of my ‘90s journals, I’m amazed at all the stupid things I did. Okay, I was still young, a bit naïve, and I still had some learning and growing up to do. But still… Making up some bullshit story for Marty about him falsely accusing me of prank calls just so I could have an excuse to lay into him and hope to purge the anger I’d harbored toward him for so long was kind of ridiculous. I should have confronted him face-to-face and been totally upfront and honest with him. I tried to in my teens but ended up feeling worse afterward because I lacked the communication skills necessary back then to find the words to express how I felt.

Had I been anything like I am now back then I would’ve kept it simple. Not in my teens but in my 20s. As in something like, “Threaten me again and it will be the last thing you ever do.” Period. As simple as that.

Really, who was God protecting back in the day by having me be so afraid to take a stand for myself? Those who threatened and screwed me over, or me? It’s unlikely the Martys of this world would have threatened me if I was like I am now. They wouldn’t mind seeing me go to jail for kicking their ass but they also wouldn’t want to go to the hospital either. Then again, many people underestimate others and overestimate themselves. Most men don’t think a woman can kick their ass. If there’s an afterlife, however childish and silly it may sound, I’d like to see both my uncles (and a few others) threaten me again. Oh yes, I would have loved to make some people just try to put their actions where their mouths were, but various circumstances prevented me from doing so. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it just because I was angry. It was never just about reflexively lashing out in the heat of an angry moment but also about getting a kick out of the shock I know they would have felt, and maybe sparing myself and others from their shit in the future because I would think they would think twice the next time around. But I was either too weak, too afraid, or there was some kind of hold on me. In Nancy’s case, my hands were really tied because she was the tougher one, and I would have lost my commissary and visitation either way. While others can get away with doing shit to me, I know damn well I would’ve been arrested had I shown any of these people what can happen when you threatened someone. That’s just my shit kind of luck.

I really hope I am never threatened again. I really do. One can only be forced by circumstances to turn the other cheek so many times before they explode. I don’t think I could stop myself from pummeling anyone who threatened me in the future no matter how much I wanted to. Even if it would be a total waste of time and not necessary if they were all talk and no action, I would be so fucking pissed as past memories flashed through my mind and I don’t think I could restrain myself. Let’s just hope I never have to find out. I really want to get along with people.

My God. Speech-to-text really makes it easy to ramble on and on, doesn’t it? What was intended to be just a few sentences is now several paragraphs.

Anyway, another stupid thing was the note to the people on the opposite corner of us in Phoenix with the yipping dog. Was I really that chickenshit that I couldn’t go straight to their door and confront them directly that I had to write up a note and sign it with a bogus name? I guess I was.

Oh, well. No sense in dwelling on these things, I suppose. What’s done is done and the past can never be changed. Only learned from.

I’m back on Dreamwidth. I would still prefer for most of the people I know not to find it, so I’m not sharing links and certain things like that. Another thing I like about it is that I can crosspost entries to LiveJournal.

He’s working a little OT and I’m soon going to unwind with my book. I’m going back to reading with my eyes as opposed to listening because Alexa sometimes has trouble syncing. This way I absorb the plot better and if I didn’t take in the last sentence or so due to being distracted or whatever, it’s easier to look back. I can also read when it’s noisy and when I’m having trouble sleeping but don’t want to get up and do anything.

Love the new soap dispensers for the bathroom sinks, but had to dilute the one for lotion with water. The lotion alone is too thick for the pump.

Maybe I’ll go in for NaNoWriMo after all and do two stories, each with 25K words. So… soon to be prepping Roomies along with Stepping into Psycho. While I should have no problem finishing the stories, I don’t know that I’ll win the hard count of 50K words that November NaNo has because I’m pretty busy these days and that many words is a huge challenge. I don’t think most people realize just how huge of a goal that really is. I should easily make it 25K-30K, though.

I’m too lazy to get into the ideas I have for the plots now, but that could partly be because I don’t feel all that great right now. My stomach literally feels like it’s going to burst that’s how full I am. I don’t think I’ve ever been this full before in my life. If I weren’t so disgusted by puke I’d be tempted to stick my finger down my throat to relieve what feels like a bowling ball expanding in my stomach, haha.

The food was absolutely delicious, though. We went to the IHOP and finished just in time for a baby to be seated nearby. It was quiet at the time but I’m sure it would’ve been a matter of time before its ear-piercing shrilly cries would have ruined the peace, LOL. Not that it was quiet in there either. The usual blasting music. It was actually at a reasonable volume for a full house but not for being nearly deserted. At least the music itself wasn’t that bad. They played 70’s stuff.

Tom got Birthday Cake pancakes which he said was kind of weird, plus bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. I got sirloin tips covered with mushrooms and onions, along with hashbrowns, eggs, and two buttermilk pancakes. I ate everything except for most of the hashbrowns which meant I consumed about 1000 calories in one sitting, something I almost never do.

After we left, we stopped at Raley’s and picked up a few things before heading home to a clogged kitchen sink. We’re working on that one. Meanwhile, Tom finished my bike. He had it on the bike trainer as he was tweaking the gears so they wouldn’t slip as much, and he added air to both bikes. We went for a quick ride and while that was fun, it was much harder on my overly full stomach. Bike riding really is better at night here. Too much traffic and dog walkers, some of which bark their little asses off at us, in the daytime. Also, it’s easier to see cars approaching from behind at night due to the spray of light from the headlights. In the daytime, it’s harder to crank your head and get a good look behind you, especially when the sun is blinding you. I swear, if I could keep a schedule I would definitely be on nights except for when I had appointments.

The problem with bike riding in such hilly terrain is that you have to do it regularly in order to be in shape for it, yet this climate isn’t ideal for that a lot of the time. We talked about getting electric wheels for going uphill, but we both agree that it would be better to invest in Segways or scooters or something like that in this terrain instead of adding to the bikes. We’re not going to bother with a golf cart because of the space it takes up and because those are very expensive. That’s the cost of the new roof we still need. I think Florida would be a better state for bike riding. It’s flat and it would be too humid most of the time for walking and running.

Norma’s husband Milton died, and I assume it’s from cancer, so I’m sad for her. And a bit worried, knowing that long-term couples tend to go within a year of each other. If her days are numbered, at least she won’t be dying young.

Yesterday I opened the front door for fresh air when I saw Bob out there. We started off talking about the weather and I said the mornings were too cold and he said something about not seeing me out walking. I said I usually go out late at night even if it’s colder then.

Then Virginia came toward him with a cell phone that looked 15-20 years old, and then she and I spoke as he talked on the phone. I was telling her about the solar windchime and asked if she noticed it in the evenings. She hasn’t.

She said she loves the weather and could soak it up forever. I agree that while the days are beautiful it’s still too cold at night. She went on to say something about Trump’s first wife’s location of choice to live and vacation in, and I said I wished we could live in Hawaii at this time of year and not come back until May. I mentioned not liking Trump and being surprised and disappointed that he even got elected in the first place, and Virginia said she felt the same and that she’s also liberal.

Bob finished his call and asked if he could “cut the hell” out of a tree on the back corner and I said he never had to ask and that he could cut whatever he wanted and to let us know if he wants us to cut anything. Virginia said she had a suggestion and pointed out this thing that looked like a giant weed toward the front and Bob cut it down in two seconds flat. I said I had room in our green waste if he didn’t have any room in his but he said he had room.

I know we don’t have anything hanging over the retaining wall that’s blocking their path, but I worry we’ve got things that might be making a mess or that they might consider a real eyesore. Perhaps I shouldn’t because it’s our place after all, but they’ve been so nice that I don’t want them inconvenienced in any way or to have to see things that they consider a negative to the outside appearance. Wish I knew exactly what they might like trimmed or removed, but I know if I asked they would simply tell me not to worry about it. When I tell them they can cut anything they want I hope they don’t see that as a lazy excuse not to keep up on things ourselves, but they did say they understood Tom works a lot. They also know I don’t like working with bees and spiders.

Virginia also said she’s “getting old and getting fatter.” Yeah, so am I. But if I were her age (85) I wouldn’t worry about my weight, not that I told her that, LOL. Seriously, though, when I hit my 70s, what would be the point of trying to keep my weight down and myself in shape with a husband who is nearly a decade older than me? I only want to keep from gaining additional weight now so that it doesn’t hinder my mobility.

I asked Jon if he and Carolyn ever hear woodpeckers, and sure enough, all they hear are squirrels running across the roof. We do too, but I don’t mind that. It’s the fucking woodpeckers that I sometimes hear at sunup and sundown that drive me crazy because it literally sounds like someone’s hammering. Most of it comes from the patio roof by the master bedroom. Amazing how we’re the only ones, though, huh? We are just so fucking noise cursed! At least traffic didn’t wake me up last night.

There was a truck with a huge trailer at the abandoned house across from the Twenties. They appeared to have stripped the place. I saw appliances, boxes, and tons of other shit in the trailer.

I hope I don’t jinx myself by saying this but I haven’t heard the young guy in that loud car in about a week. It’s ironic too, that it should disappear right after I make an anonymous complaint. If I had to guess, though, it isn’t because of me. They were here for almost a year and I can’t believe others didn’t complain long before I did. Even if they did, the most likely scenario is that Tom was right about it selling to someone who made an offer outside of the sites the house was listed on when it was on the market. Sometime I’ll walk back there and see what I can see. Or maybe the influencer struck again and the guy ended up totaling the fucking thing. Could be in jail, too. There’s no way to know at this time. I’m still putting my money on Tom’s theory about a private sale.

As much as I wish I could bring myself to stop for good, curiosity still gets the better of me and I sometimes look in on Aly’s tweets. IDK, I guess I also do it just because I can and because I have the time. In one tweet she said: I’m primarily self-employed but w/out birth control, my MDS and anemia issues would be horrendous. It’s not cheap but is so necessary for now

So Aly really wasn’t kidding about the cancerous cells in her blood and about talk of a bone marrow transplant, along with chemotherapy and the blood replacement thing to take out the iron in it or something to that effect. Deep down I didn’t think she was even though she tends to be a drama queen of sorts.

She’s also notorious for riddles and cryptic tweets. In a recent one, she mentions getting some news that will make the weekend stressful and kind of sad. I wonder if that could be health-related.

I did more research and if I read things correctly, she may not even live to be my age. She may not even make it to her 40s, but because she’s younger and that’s only a few years away, I think she will. It says that most people who get MDS are older and that only 6% of the younger population gets it. It’s also rarely cured, and depending on age and seriousness, your survival rate is usually 9 months to 12 years.

So is she actually “dying?” I don’t know, but the prognosis for life expectancy doesn’t look that good unless I’m missing something. Leukocytosis was another word she mentioned, but I’m not sure what the odds are on that. I would still think that most cancers are manageable enough, even if they can’t be cured completely, and that she’s got many years ahead of her. I know I shouldn’t care because she was a horrible friend who did horrible things to me, even if I was less than perfect myself. I’m just curious by nature, I guess.

Last night I dreamed that Tom and I were walking down a dark street at night. Houses flanked the road, which seemed almost in a semi-rural area. There were many trees at the sides of the road that were very tall. While I didn’t feel any wind down by the street, I could hear the sound of wind rustling the treetops way up above. When I commented on it, Tom said something about it being virtually cloudless, as if that explained the wind.

“Let’s move down here,” Tom said, and we picked up our pace.

I said something and then he said something about not wanting people to see the blue light. He wore a hat with some type of strange blue LED light on it.

I began running toward a steep hill and exclaimed, “Fun time! But not as fun as on the bike.”

Then in a split second, it was daytime and the hilly road turned into a waterslide. We slid down on sheets of plastic, and then in another second, the slide became a few steep steps. A woman with auburn hair stood on a step in front of us and Tom pointed to her hair and started talking about hair dye and the way it was cut and stuff like that.

Next, I was in a store or restaurant that seemed to be mine and going through some stuffed animals I had scattered about the place for someone’s daughter.

Lastly, I was trying to coax a large dog off a bed while laughing at a cute rat on some bookshelf.

Kathleen called and my first thought was that she was going to want to reschedule my appointment. Instead, she said my retainer was ready and that I could come in and try it on. I’ll give her a call later and explain that I wasn’t going to pick it up until my appointment next Tuesday unless I can go in this Saturday. Might as well wait till Tuesday, though. I’m sure they’ll be okay with that.

I almost didn’t confirm my appointment in the email I got to see if it would prompt her to call. Realizing how silly that was now that I’m totally sure I’ll never hear from her outside the office after having time to reflect on it and remember that she does work for me and that old patterns don’t usually change this late in life, I went and confirmed. But then there she goes and calls me at 4 o’clock, a few hours after I crashed.

From the sound of it, she may have already undergone that inevitable change. She sounded more serious and less cheery. In some ways, she almost sounded hushed and rushed. Not much of a difference yet, though, compared to how drastically Stacey changed.

Even though I no longer think she may like me and I don’t believe we’ll have a simple friendship, I still sometimes wish some unbiased person had witnessed our interactions to give me their opinion. In some ways, It’s hard to believe I was wrong about her being attracted to me. I was right about Stacey, after all, and I’m still a pretty intuitive person who picks up on these things and just things in general. But if I had five unbiased witnesses it sure would be interesting, being the curious person I am by nature, to see how many would say they thought she was or wasn’t just being friendly.

At this point, despite the feelings I got from her words, actions and the way she’d look at me, I don’t see how she could be attracted to me. She would have contacted me, unethical or not. While it would have been nice to have her as a friend I still think it’s easier not to bother and to just keep to myself. So, history repeating itself in a sense is a good thing.

Even though women can usually be friends with those they’re attracted to as opposed to men, who prefer all or nothing, the pattern is clear. The number of women who have blown me off or left the area if I didn’t leave first shows there’s a very good chance that something up there definitely doesn’t want me interacting any more than I did with them to begin with.

Last night’s dreams:

Worried that Dr. A might see my dream notes and become thoroughly confused if not worried for my sanity.

Flying low over a foreign country and reading all the foreign writing on the stores in buildings.

Being sent to a jail that didn’t seem anything like a typical jail for something I did to some company.

Tom works with a 30-year-old Indian lady whose native language is Punjabi. She was recently started on levothyroxine and I told him to warn her of what can happen on the stuff. While many people have had the problems I had, and have doctors that don’t warn them up front, most people take it without issue so he didn’t see the point in scaring her.

Anyway, she’s going to see my dentist the day after I see her. She said that when she scheduled the appointment (we’re surprised they’re getting her in so soon), they asked how she found them. I’m guessing she spoke to Kathleen. She said her coworker’s wife referred her and gave her my name. I wonder if I’ll get some kind of discount for the referral. A couple of years or so ago the dentist sent letters out saying anyone who referred anyone to her would get a $100 discount. Either way, she’ll be in good hands.

Tom wondered if the office was a little too “white” for her but if that’s the case maybe she should go back home. Seriously, though, I’m sure the staff will have no problem whatsoever with her. Not only do the vast majority of people not have a problem with those of different colors and cultures despite the media making it seem otherwise since it’s the haters we hear more about, but I’m also pretty intuitive in that kind of way. I highly doubt any of them would give a shit about color, nationality, or sexual orientation.

She does, however, know the people next to them who do henna tats which many Indian and Middle Eastern women get.

It was funny because she told Tom they asked him what they should call her. Her name is Pawandeep and I guess her family calls her Pawan while others simply call her Deep. LOL, Well, Deep is in deep shit if she accumulates a little too much thyroid medication in her system or has pocket flares within the gland. I don’t think she has Hashimoto’s, though. I think she had an entirely different situation. Some kind of growth on the gland. She also couldn’t stop gaining weight. I can’t lose weight without starving, but I was never at the point where I was gaining out-of-control, and there are no growths or enlargement of any kind in my case. Hopefully, she won’t have any issues with the meds, especially once she hits perimenopause.

I’ve been feeling well but I’m now full-blown watery. I hate this going back and forth with the water, but as I read, it’s part of crossing over into menopause. Really hope I lose the water eventually for good. The only thing that sucks about feeling calm is knowing that sooner or later the anxiety is going to get me again right along with another period. I’ve never gone longer than 3.5 months since I went into peri, and I only did that once. That was last fall. I would be really surprised to make it to the 20th of this month without a period. You know I never get any breaks and I never get off easy in any way. I’m going to have periods later than most women.

For the longest time, I criticized those who would come to this country and be too lazy to learn English. Yes, I still do think a lot of them are just plain lazy, but I’ve also come to realize that not everyone has the knack I have for languages. Tom, who is a genius in many ways and way smarter than your average person, could never become fluent in any language other than English even if he lived in the country that spoke it. So yeah, they’re not all “lazy.” Being around a bunch of mathematicians wouldn’t make me good with numbers any more than being around a bunch of cooks would make me a good cook.

We’re really excited about this thing that Google is about to release, being the tech junkies that we are. It’s an earbud with a microphone where I could talk to someone who spoke only Japanese, for example, and the voice would translate my English to Japanese for them and vice versa. That is just so damn cool! Maybe it would be fun to use when watching movies in foreign languages so we didn’t have to read the subtitles. Of the many languages I’ve studied, I don’t know any of the Asian languages so I could try it on that.

Our phones print out what people say in voice messages to us, so you don’t have to listen to the actual VM if you don’t want to. I’m amazed at how accurate it was given how fast Kathleen spoke the message she left me. She said over 63 words in 17 seconds.

I played it for Tom and he agrees her voice is a bit obnoxious because it’s high-pitched. It’s a very friendly-sounding voice but otherwise annoying. Stacey definitely had the better voice.

Today I have been smoke-free for 20 years! I’ve been fat ever since but if returning to a size 3 meant not being able to breathe all over again, I would gladly stay a size 10-12!

On the 27th of this month, I will have been keeping a journal for 30 years! So a couple of definite impressive milestones this month to be proud of.

We went out walking late last night and it was utterly freezing in the high 40s. I usually like to walk before I run, but I was so cold that I broke into a run right away to try to warm up. I never did, though, and so I’m going to get myself a hot pink 3-hole ski mask as well as pink and black microfleece-lined gloves. The pale pink knit gloves I have don’t really keep my hands all that warm.

Carolyn is 63 today. About 5 years older than I would have guessed her to be.

Just a bunch of snippets of dreams last night…

Heading toward an exit after some kind of event as a young woman in a sparkly leotard and lots of makeup closed a door as someone told me that the exit was for the performers.

Entering an arcade and wanting to play a certain game even though I knew it may put my computer at risk of getting a virus.

Me with another guy and a couple of kids on a swing set in a rural area (makes me wonder about the parallel lives theory again since an afterlife doesn’t seem scientifically possible) waving to a guy passing on a moped and thinking of the slower, quieter times of day in which to rest or do certain things if I wanted to.

Handling a typical soap dispenser.

While I’ve never personally owned a gun, I am all for the right to bear arms and even kill in the name of self-defense. But what happened in Las Vegas is terrible. Just terrible! The question is how to keep the right to bear arms and those arms out of the wrong hands at the same time. Until then, may the survivors heal as quickly and as efficiently as possible!

Last night I dreamed we were living in a regular neighborhood. There was a two-story house next to us and I knew that some people had just moved in and that I was probably going to have to ask them to curb their mutt’s barking as soon as I heard it, knowing they likely wouldn’t allow it indoors.

Sure enough, I was doing something in the kitchen when I heard a bark. I looked out the window and saw a smallish dog tethered not in their backyard but at the side of their house in the space that ran between our house and theirs. Knowing there was no way I was going to tolerate barking that was literally right outside our window, I headed over there.

Once outside, I spotted a woman who multiplied into half a dozen men and women in just seconds. They were in their 20s and 30s and after they introduced themselves they explained that they were renting the place. They seemed really nice, but nonetheless, I told them, “I love animals but I hate barking,” and asked that they move the dog away from our house. I don’t know how they reacted to this request because I woke up before they could answer.

Love how Alexa can now make phone calls. I could relax in bed and tell her to call Tammy or whoever. It was funny because I tested it by having her call me and as I spoke into the phone my voice was also coming out of the Echo. I still prefer email and messenger to live chats, though.

The old lady in Tennessee that I thought was ghosting me left a comment on my latest entry. Nothing about my books, though.

Although she doesn’t do it as often as the girls do, Tammy shares posts about missing those in heaven every now and then, and I’ve noticed she’s been doing it more lately since Bill died. Sometimes I wonder just who she has in mind when she posts these things, but she did mention dad in the last one.

Love my new rat mug. It’s a large heavy mug and the rat silhouettes are very distinct.

Tom printed a new hook for the mailbox key and wrote the word “mail” in pink with the 3-D pen. It looks damn cool!

Last night I dreamed that Kathleen was kissing me on the head, and then I guess I was living with my family in the house that was next to my grandparents. In fact, I was on my way over to my grandparents’ when I spotted a black bear cub running through the woods, which extended further between the houses than it did in real life.

Then I was inside our house handing my annoyed-looking father what looked like a stack of old vinyl records and asked that he find a way to recycle them.

We went to Toys R Us earlier only to find it surprisingly dead, reflecting the falling birthrate. So was the fact that they’re going bankrupt. Most things were overpriced, too. There were dozens of cute dolls and while a few of them were reasonably priced, many were $40 - $60. Not worth it, especially for plastic kids’ dolls. So it was probably the first time ever that I walked out of there empty-handed. They didn’t even have any children’s coloring books. Just adults’. This is okay, though, because I still have plenty of coloring books and plenty of knickknacks to have to dust. It’s just nice to get out.

At this time of year, the only time you don’t hear the freeway traffic at night is on Friday and Sunday night. Late last night I was thinking how quiet it was and then starting at 3:30, I could hear planes flying around for the next hour and a half. So I’m not even safe from that shit in the middle of the night. Right now I hear freeway traffic. I guess I’m not in for the TV tonight otherwise I would’ve heard it by now and they don’t usually fly two days in a row, thank God, so I guess it will just be traffic tonight.

The planes are just fucking ridiculous at times. I don’t know if this is a new thing or if we’re near an airport but I’ve never lived anywhere where I’ve heard this much plane activity. It’s definitely number three on my complaint list for LV.

Wondering how many more appointments it’s going to take Kathleen to become a whole different person, and I know damn well she will. Stacey is far from the only one that’s pulled that on me, too. The first time I remember it happening to me was when I lived on Woodside Terrace in Springfield when I called a girl who gave me her number at the bar. She didn’t just act like she didn’t know who the hell I was but also like she was totally annoyed by my calling her. But being the polite little sucker that I was back then I was nice about it. These days I would’ve been like, “Well, what the fuck did you give me your number for if you knew you didn’t want me calling?”

Sometimes I wonder if people actually like getting people’s hopes up and leading them on even if they’re doing it subconsciously and aren’t even aware of it, not that I think Kathleen is doing any such thing of the sort. But people, in general, do make me wonder. I’m not talking about those who have dumped me like Alison did. I’m talking about those who seem to want to be your friend (or more than that) that blow you off or suddenly change their mind for some reason.

Maliheh pulled the same thing on me when I called her in 1991, acting practically offended that I would dare consider calling her at the number she gave me.

My guess is that Kathleen chose to simply be “friendly” instead of saying she couldn’t contact me and why. Or maybe at the time, she thought she would but I’m sure a friend or coworker will talk her out of it as I suspect was probably the case with Stacey. I just find it hard to believe that Stacey kept everything to herself and didn’t seek advice from a close and trusted friend of some kind, but maybe she did “think it through” on her own. She did the right thing in the end. She didn’t do the right thing in the beginning. Or towards the end, I should say.

I’m never going to know Kathleen’s real reason for not reaching out to me in the future because I’m not going to ask, though my guess is that it will be for the same reason Stacey backed out; she may feel it’s going against ethics. When I see her in 10 days it will be interesting to see how she acts. Will she be her usual chatty, bubbly self? Or will she clam up?

When I sit and think about it, I don’t see why she would need or even want to have me as a friend. She strikes me as the type that has plenty of other friends she can go shopping with and whatever else she likes to do. I also think that no matter how much she may like the way I dress, that no, she can’t possibly be attracted to me. I’m overweight and aging and while I may not be the ugliest thing to look at, I’m certainly not the prettiest.

No matter how much you may love, cherish and honor our country, the flag is just a piece of material. It has no feelings or emotions. Also, the National Anthem is just a song. I think that sometimes we as people fail to keep things in perspective and focus on what’s really important. Instead, we get too caught up in material things, tradition and symbolism.

I was so glad when Walmart replaced our favorites. I was hoping they would. Now maybe they’ll leave the site alone for a while. I hate sites that are constantly changing, but being as big as they are there is bound to be many changes.

My pit rash keeps getting better and worse and better and worse but never goes away completely, even with hydrocortisone. Tonight it’s creeping down my inner arm. I might have to see a dermatologist. I can’t believe or accept that I’m always going to have all these rashes that are going to arrange from annoying to really annoying while being totally uncurable simply because I have an autoimmune disease. Perhaps a dermatologist can tell me for sure. It seems I have one thing after another. The appointments are backing off but not as much as I’d like. If life could stop giving me shit, I could cut them down even more.

The first night the solar wind chime bottles stayed lit most of the night. The last two nights, however, they’re not even staying lit for three hours. Bad batteries? Or not enough sunlight?

Lately, I’ve been alternating between two different walking routes. For one I head toward the back of the park and loop around, and the other I head toward the front of the park by the RVs. Each one takes almost a half-hour, depending on how much of it I run.